Tuesday, 18 June 2013

The grass is always greener ...

Now I have been around long enough to know this idiom well and be aware that generally the word "not" needs to be inserted in to this phrase.

At the moment this metaphor is a recurring theme in my life but today I really was in a grass is greener situation. Let me explain ...

... Last week I stayed at a Holiday Inn and it was OK, nothing great, but it was perfectly acceptable. This week it had no available rooms so I was allowed to book a room that was not featured on Dante's list provided I observed tight spending limits.

As a result I find myself fifty yards away from last week's hotel at a Travelodge and it is an experience that I never want to repeat again EVER!

To call it a shit hole would be paying it a compliment. I can honestly say that it is the cheapest, tattiest arsehole of a place that I have ever encountered and remember I have slept in a mobile home in Monument Valley that smelt of horse piss ... By comparison that place had charm

The room is the most depressing, tatty environment and is long overdue for refurbishment. The walls are perforated by screw holes where infrastructure has been removed and plastic rawlplugs still protrude from the holes. The furniture is made from laminated, particle board that has several unexplained holes where the laminate has come away and the board beneath has been picked at by a succession of depressed "guests" leaving craters an inch or more in diameter. All of the furniture appears to have been soaked with water at some point in its history as the edges have swollen and bulged showing more chipboard peeking out between laminate and edging strip. This has proved to be an irresistible temptation to previous residents too and this to has been picked at repeatedly. The room has the unmistakable odour of air freshener attempting to cover up cigarette smoke and if I highlight any more of its faults I am concerned that I will enter a depression that may take years to recover from.

To make matters worse I had to wander across the car park* to dine at the Holiday Inn as the Travelodge has no restaurant** I therefore was able to experience briefly how green the grass can be before trudging home to accommodation only marginally better than a cardboard box under a bridge on the Oxford ring road.

Roll on Friday.
* Which has a separate fee! How may hotels do you know where the cheapskate fuckers make you pay for car parking?
** although, based on the state of the room this is probably a very, very good thing

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