Thursday, 29 April 2010

The Shetland Giraffe

An absolutely huge Spider is taking a sojourn in the Kitchen sink this morning. He is not the size of a dinner plate - not unless you happen to be a greedy Borrower - in which case you will probably be off to get your Darning Needle sword in case he comes round your house next, but he is BIG.

I like Spiders. Picking up on a thread from yesterday they are also a bit Ninja the way they scuttle across the floor on whatever mission they have from Arachnid HQ. I like the way they lurk in corners - obviously surveillance - for months on end. Talk about going deep under cover - very sophisticated.

These are not missions without risk. A lot of these guys and girls are caught by the enemy and the treatment they get is straight from the CIA "Bumper Book of Interrogation Methods, Fully Illustrated, Pop Up Edition". Hurled from 2nd floor windows, flushed down WCs, or given a terminal beating with a tea towel.

Lets stop and take a few moments to remember the fallen.

I hope that somewhere there is an Arachnid Forces Garden of Remembrance where Incy Wincy's name is forever engraved on an imposing granite slab. Don't forget Charlotte too. She was a civilian but she gave everything to save the life of an innocent piglet. And, of course, the Nameless ones!

Here at The Pile they are tolerated, but it was not always the case. When 30% and I first met she was not keen on Spiders. She wasn't the type to scream in the style of a 50s Silver Screen Angel ......

..... but it is fair to say that she definitely wasn't keen.

Early in our relationship a young Spy der (its not clever - its just coincidence again) had taken up his first mission in her bedroom. He was keen and in very good shape. He had a lot of potential but not if 30% had her way. "There's a huge Spider in the Bedroom. Do something about it" came the command.

I did what any red blooded male would do........

......... Later that evening as we retired there came an expression of alarm followed by "I thought I told you to do something about that Spider". "I did" I replied - "I've called it Dave".

"WHAT!" she responded. I confirmed that I had christened it Dave and from now on it should be referred to as Dave. 30% was not impressed but I stood firm as Protector of Arachnid Special Forces recruit #342/579 aka Dave and within a few days 30% had "got with the programme" and was referring to him as Dave too.

By giving the little devil an identity she actually came to regard him more as a pet than a pest and now is pretty cool where spiders are concerned. I know aversion therapy is supposed to work but my techniques are a little more sophisticated.

Ah - the giraffe. Sorry - I got distracted.

Yesterday I got to thinking about extinction and how, whilst it is a natural event, extinction as a result of man is not a good thing.

I therefore thought why don't we use all of our intellect and Bio Tech to create some new species to replace any that go extinct. In fact it should be part of international law.

This is where I came up with the idea for the Shetland Giraffe. You must have seen Shetland Ponies - small, shaggy, hardy, ideally adapted to the harsh climate of the Shetland Islands. Well how about the Shetland Giraffe......

.... recruit a team of scientists and using a combination of artificial selection on naturally short@rsed giraffes and genetic manipulation (possibly using Okapi DNA) I reckon before long we could get Giraffes that stood about 5' high and were a bit stockier and therefore able to handle colder climates. How good would they be - you could keep one in the garden and they could be introduced in to a much wider variety of habitats than Savannah. This is the future.

I do have a strong affection for Giraffes after my first face to face contact when I took TP to a Safari Park and was amazed by how gentle and huge they are.

Having sorted that out I then went further. Once they've sorted out the Shetland Giraffe they need to look to getting some commercial funding to keep this project running. Pets, I thought.

Do you know anyone who keeps a lizard. They are not the most entertaining of pets. Good to look at but not much fun on a country walk. So.......

...... Why not take the Giraffe Model and apply it to Lizards. Again, artificial selection combined with genetic manipulation with the aim of breeding a Diplodocus that gets to about the size of Jack Russel. Obviously the long tail and neck will make him seem a bit bigger.

How good would that be!

Apparently they ate conifers so imagine a Christmas Morning when his cute little face pops out from under your Christmas Tree contentedly munching on a mouth full of needles. The perfect pet and no need to take the damn tree down to the tip after 12th Night.

1 comment:

  1. "......... Later that evening as we retired there came an expression of alarm followed by "I thought I told you to do something about that Spider". "I did" I replied - "I've called it Dave"."
    Thanks for that, now have to clean coffee from my monitor, keyboard and iphone.