I'm off ...

It is the last working day of the week and I just needed to dodge bullets for the next eight or nine hours before I can forget about it all for the next ten days.

The working day started with a quick call to the poor chap who is providing holiday cover for one of the SMIs and has ended up with a monumental task to finish off. I tried to make life easy for him by giving him some leeway to throw additional resources in to his solution in order to receive the necessary tick in the box from his Lords and Masters.

Next on the Agenda was a follow-up call with the Business Unit and Project Executives after Monday's informal review. In the intervening period I had updated my cost bridge and highlighted additional justifications for our increased cost. I talked the two Execs through the significant changes and the call went well. The Senior Executive advised that he had been concerned after Monday's call but was far more comfortable following today's presentation. He even sent me an instant message later in the day advising that he felt I had got things back on track and promised a share of any deal team bonus.*

This call also covered the hand over of this project back to the Account Team. As I mentioned on Tuesday, a significant number of new deals are expected in the very near future and this renegotiation is to be passed back to the Account Team to progress. I now have a steer on the deliverable I need to, err for want of a better word, deliver before I can go and do something with less politics and fewer fuckwits** in the mix. Hopefully I should be clear of this nightmare in the next two to three weeks.

I then had a couple of hours clear of any appointments so made a quick trip over to the Auction House to collect the items that 30% had bid on earlier in the week. I came home with a diminutive ivory carving of three fighting cocks and an unfortunately still functional accordion that caught TP's eye.

The rest of the day was spent on necessary pre-holiday must do activities ...

• I performed the hand-over of chicken and cat care duties to Village Idiot & LSW***
• I performed the hand-over of my work duties to a colleague who will mind the shop next week
  
• I sent the Exec's unsolicited note of gratitude to my manager in an attempt to re-balance the recent differences of opinions that seem to be developing between us
• I made repeated trips to the stop cock for Andy & Steve as they installed a temporary fix to the leaking copper pipe in the bathroom.

By five o'clock the last e-mail had been sent, pet and livestock care had been sorted and the house was no longer likely to dissolve. I shut down my instant messenger application and took the dogs for a early evening walk around the Three Miler.

For the next week, the only time I will use a laptop will be for my own pleasure or benefit ... Fantastic.

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* I won't be counting any chickens!
** A New Business Deal does not have the complication of having to work with an existing Account Team. Everything we have done needs to be cross referenced back to what is done today and this complicates, constrains and slows everything down. As for the fuckwits, it is not just me that categorises the departing Project Executive in this way ... why do you think she is departing!
*** LSW - Long Suffering Wife

Getting There?

Looking back over the day I did not feel that it had been particularly positive and a large gin was poured when 30% arrived home from work. However, as I jot down the events, I really should feel more positive especially as the working week will end tomorrow and from Friday we are away for a week on The Gower.

My plan for today was to ind time to nip over to the Auction House and pick up a couple of items that 30% had won but, as soon as I looked at my diary, I realised that this was an impossibility. I had a series of non-urgent but essential calls over the course of the day with gaps in between that were just too short to achieve anything significant. Bugger!

I started the first call of the day only to find that the host failed to turn up so took the opportunity to crack the whip behind the SMI who has still not managed to finalise their project element.

I then had a few minutes spare and investigated the recently discovered leak further by pulling down part of the ceiling in the back porch. The drip is very regular and the weather is dry which made me doubt the diagnosis of rain water ingress via the waste pipe vent. I guess that I was just hoping for the best but the more I look the more I think that we have a proper leak somewhere. I phoned 30% to discuss and she called Andy & Steve to discuss their approach to the bathroom refurbishment, which seems to be the focal point for the increasingly large damp patch upstairs. A&S confirmed that they had done a proper job but were more than happy to nip over at lunch time to have a look.

They arrived and were their normal cheerful selves. Within minutes they were drinking tea and peering in to the recesses of The Pile. After a quick inspection of the loft they informed me that it was necessary to cut in to the boxed in pipework in the bathroom and I gave them the thumbs up, just happy that progress was being made. After twenty minutes they had discovered that an old copper pipe had developed a pin prick hole and was spraying a constant mist of water on to the now sodden wall. They advised that they will apply a temporary patch tomorrow and find a day or so when they can come in and do a full repair including replacement of the full length of the elderly copper pipework.

It is fair to say that, despite the fact that this is a significant amount of work, 30% and I are both extremely relieved that the cause of the problem has been identified and we can now progress with repairs.

Back at work I was again scouring my project costs looking for errant sums. I contacted an American colleague about a significant cost that I hoped could be reduced and awaited their response. The cynic in me thought that my request would be rebuffed but I was wrong and half an hour later I had the go ahead to remove the best part of another million pounds from my project. This may be the final piece of the bridge that we need.

I ended the working day with a phone glued to my ear for ninety minutes on a training call. When the phone battery finally expired I asked myself why I had bothered to attend the call as I know that I didn't listen to a single sentence and spent the time dealing with emails and other exciting things.

So there we have it, a reasonable day, the source of the leak has been located and repairs arranged. I managed to reduce my project costs by one million pounds and the end of the week is one day closer. I also managed a late walk around the Three Miler with T&M.

I guess, on analysis, the day went better than I felt it had.

From Spanning the gulf ...

.. to New Horizons.

It is fair to say that, with hindsight, today demonstrated the child like approach Dante's Senior Daemons have towards their clients. Current ones are like old toys and are only played with under duress. They are soon chucked in the back of the toy cupboard and forgotten when a trip to the Toy Shop looks likely.

Tuesday's mission was to complete the "bridge". Basically this is a multi-tabbed, brightly coloured spreadsheet that presents the costs of the two iterations of my project, the costs that are actually being incurred delivering the current service and attempts to explain any differences in terms of new client requirements ...

... or fuck ups that we made, intentionally or unintentionally, when we delivered a price to delight in November last year.  That low price did the trick and client decided to proceed with Dante's Nine Circles of Hell as their sole supplier of choice but now the Hell is attempting to explain, or preferably remove, any cost increases.

The day went well and by early afternoon I had imported new sets of costs and added the additional scope from yesterday's flash of genius stroke of luck. With the careful application of smoke and mirrors my numbers were starting to look quite good indeed. Difficult discussions would still need to be had with the client but there is enough wriggle room for some "if you buy that we will also include this" type conversations.

Late in the afternoon I found time for a walk with T&M before returning and wrapping up with the EMEA Sales Exec as he is about to take time off and it will be over two weeks before we are both back in work. To be honest there is not a lot to do in that time and his final email, late in the day, diminished the amount of work even further ...

... it now looks like this deal will be tidied up and put in ice until the client is ready to sign. No major reviews are to happen until that point so all I have to do is get my bridge approved by the Account and Sector Execs and ensure that the SMIs all have their appropriate ticks in boxes. 

The reason for this sudden change in approach; a Senior Sales Director is calling out a significant number of deals about to come in and basically he doesn't want to waste time and resources on this pile of shite. I am now wondering what I will end up with when this pipeline starts to flow.

Away from work Chippy Ian called round this evening to give us a Professional opinion on the leak/damp situation. He thinks my conclusion is reasonable and that we should start with capping the vent pipe and then waiting to see if things start to dry out ...

... looks like my shopping list now includes a Dehumidifier.

Building Bridges

Today I had arranged to meet the EMEA Sales Exec at the nearest Circle of Hell to present our still unattractive numbers to a Business Unit Executive. The walk-through went reasonably well and after ninety minutes we closed down the call with a handful of actions to progress ...

... Basically we need to explain, or preferably remove, five or even six million pounds of cost and so we started to scratch our heads. We had already made a reasonable dent in this cost increase over the past two weeks but were still a couple of million quid short when I had a moment of realisation. The sun pierced the gloom as it dawned on me that it could be argued that the costs of supporting a recently acquired subsidiary company had not been fully costed in an earlier iteration of my solution but were so now.

We set to with a spreadsheet and a calculator and within a couple of hours had a much improved bridge to move from one set of costs to another. The only issue will be how much of this bullshit explanation the client will accept. Actually that is not the only issue. We know that I have a cost reduction from one element of my solution and an, as yet, unknown cost increase from another. We are currently guessing that these will give a further million pounds of cost increase to explain away.

I may have about seven hundred and fifty thousand pounds tucked away for this eventuality but, for the moment, I am keeping my gob shut.

I wish I had an inside project

Sunday featured a leisurely start as TP's rugby match had been cancelled due to the snow and ice. I made the most of this and wandered about the house drinking coffee and taking in the news bulletins. At a little after nine o'clock the 'phone rang and, after listening to 30%'s half of the conversation, it became apparent that the transfer of funds had made it through to the Dealer and her new car could be collected. There was therefore a period of enforced loitering until I was commanded to chauffeur her a few miles down the road at eleven o'clock sharp.  I left her filling in forms, drove back home and took T&M out for a walk around a bitterly cold Three Miler. We arrived home wet and frozen an hour or so later and were greeted with a warming lunch.

In the afternoon I headed out to the garage where I planned to select and prepare some elm for my box frame project. It was bitterly cold in the garage and a complete mess after the recent sessions on TP's electric ukulele. As a result I abandoned my plan and set to tidying up the mess and trying to restore some sense of order* ...

... it is fair to say that there is still some way to go but the tools are back in their proper places and there is far less sawdust on the floor. 30% and I have agreed to have a good couple of days at it, possibly taking advantage of one of the two Bank Holidays in May. I think that 30% thinks that it will just be a case of emptying as much as possible and giving it a good sweep through but I would really like to get an additional work bench thrown together and move some of the contents in to the front cellar to give me more space. I think that I will need to start chipping away at some of the smaller jobs to make it feasible to clear it up in a weekend.

 As the afternoon turned to evening I reached the point where I could make no further progress without starting to take items out of the garage. It was way too cold to start nipping in and out so I gave up, returned to the house and lit the fire instead.

Sunday evening was spent in front of the TV and my mind turned towards the week ahead. It could go one of two ways; steady or complete chaos. Knowing my luck it will be the latter ...

...looking on the bright side the EMEA Sales Exec is under the knife on Wednesday and Thursday and my Easter break starts on Good Friday so it will only be four days of pain.

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* I find it interesting that, despite my quite clear requests, TP has yet to find his way in to the garage to pack tools away or sweep up piles of mahogany saw dust.

One step forward, two steps back ...

Last week TP noticed a patch of damp appearing on a wall on the Landing. This was concerning for a couple of reasons. Firstly, damp is usually found rising from ground level and secondly it was appearing on an internal wall. Today I performed some preliminary investigations and think I may have found the cause but have also left Chippy Ian a message to come over and give me a professional opinion.

I think that the leak may have arisen following Andy & Steve's bathroom refit back in 2010.  As part of this job they fitted a new toilet which involved removing the original WC and then splicing the new sanitary ware in to the original vented cast iron waste pipe. I have suspicion that they have left the upper portion of the waste pipe open at both ends which has allowed rain water to trickle down and, instead of running in to the waste system, is now seeping in to the walls causing the damp.

This is bloody annoying to say the least as it will as a minimum involve redecoration on the landing and could also necessitate tiling and decoration in the bathroom. It is of little consolation that the two rooms underneath have yet to be refurbished so at least there is no re-work there. And none of this work can be progressed until the leak is fixed and the damp is dried out.

Actually it is not bloody annoying I am really very pissed off about this. The upper story of the house had been completely refurbished and was looking splendid and now two of the rooms will look like crap for a good few months until this fuck up can be rectified.

Other stuff

We had further snow overnight and I awoke to a partial covering and snow continuing to fall. Fortunately the roads were reasonably clear as first job of the day was to take 30% over to collect her new car. That didn't go well either ...

... firstly the Dealer's card reader refused to operate which meant that 30% had to resort to internet banking to transfer the payment. Then the bank's fraud detection systems kicked in and refused to transfer the funds until 30% had contacted them in person via a 'phone number that didn't actually work. In the end we came home and I left 30% to sort things out whilst I took T&M for a walk around the snowy lanes.

Upon my return it transpired that 30% had managed to shift the money out of her account and we now just needed to wait until it landed in the Dealer's account. Unfortunately this didn't happen today and it looks like it will be early next week before we collect her car.

After lunch I recruited the assistance of 30% and TP and glued the kid leather lining to the inside of my box frame project. It needed all three of us to keep the leather taught whilst applying contact adhesive and positioning in the shallow box. It looks great and will make a perfect backing for the spear heads. It is just a bloody shame that I had planned to hang this on the landing wall where there is now a monstrous damp patch.

30% and TP then popped in to Stratford to pick up a case for the now completed ukulele whilst I completed the aforementioned damp investigations. They returned a little before four and by this time I had lit a fire and had started winding down.

Thoughts on a bad deal

Overnight there was a light snowfall and I awoke to half an inch of wet snow on the lawn. It didn't look like it would be around for long and most of it had disappeared before lunch time.

On the work front things were steady, straying towards quiet  and, to be honest, I did nothing to disturb a quiet day. The deal is due for an informal review with a Business Unit Exec on Monday. As a result I spent  time pulling together "facts" and figures in an attempt to allow a three-way comparison of two solution iterations and the current costs of delivering the service. To be honest this review is a little premature as two elements of the solution are still being refined. One has identified significant reductions whilst the other is likely to see a rise in cost. I am attempting to underplay the cost reduction and emphasise the possible increases in order to prevent the EMEA Sales Exec saying or doing something rash.

He wants to be in a position where we can preferably remove, or at least justify, cost increases over the price we presented in November and December last year. This is virtually impossible especially in view of the fact that rash decisions were made previously and costs were "scrubbed" to make a price point. Now we are presenting a firm price those costs need to be restored inflating our price. The fact that this is a contract renegotiation means that the client will not sign for a price higher than the one currently contracted for.

I have no magic wand and I think it will be down to the Sales Team to use weasel words and smoke and mirrors if they are to get the client to sign on the dotted line. In reality this will end up with a contract being signed with more aggressive delivery obligations and little or no extra revenue to fund them. I have attempted to insert protective terms in to the contract to provide a degree of protection but, in a five minute interlude this afternoon, I noted that the terms that had been inserted were as watertight as a colander. The interesting fact was that there were some quite tight terms for my colleagues in the Asia Pacific region but EMEA was not well supported. I am now wondering whether the EMEA Exec has been less assertive than he should have been ...

... whatever the reason the EMEA team are likely to be screwed within six months of this getting signed. The only possible salvation will be to attempt to address these contractual issues in the local agreements. Who knows whether this is feasible or not?

Away from work I took a walk with T&M and knocked off before five o'clock. By the time 30% came in from work I had the log burner up to temperature and thoughts of work were rapidly evaporating from my mind.  The early evening saw a trip over to Littleton Auctions to preview the lots but there was nothing to persuade us to bid in person. I have an inkling that 30% may make a couple of on-line bids though.

I hope she doesn't win that bloody accordion.

Have the screws arrived?

For most of this week this peculiar question has become TP's greeting upon his return from school. No "Hello Dad" or even "Hi" just a hopeful "Have the screws arrived yet?"

The reason for this is that the final stage of the electric ukulele project is to affix the chromium plated neck plate to provide reinforcement of the neck to body joint. This little metal plate was another challenge that fell to me ...

... full size guitar neck plates are freely available in the UK but this diminutive component could only be found on-line in Canada* and arrived in an amazingly short space of time for the princely sum of $8. Having obtained the neck plate the next task was to find chrome plated screws of the exact length and pitch to fix the plate to the body. I thought that this would be a simple trip to the nearest DIY store but after a few minutes on-line I realised that these were specialist items.** I eventually found a specialist firm in the Manchester area that would provide me with ten 32 x 4 screws for the best part of eight quid. Eight bloody quid for ten screws! I only need four of the damned things and the rest will sit in the garage for eternity. However they were needed and the order was placed last weekend.

The screws arrived this evening and I assisted TP with the drilling of pilot holes and fitting the plate. Twenty minutes later he had the strings back on and the little guitar plugged in to his amplifier. It looks and sounds great and we are hoping that he is is rewarded with a good grade*** for his Resistant Materials GCSE.

Why couldn't he make a table like the other Kids?

---

* and for some strange reason I appear to be the only person in the house who can a) use the internet to find things like this and b) have a Paypal account to buy the damned things
** is a pattern becoming apparent? TP's project needs a component so TP's Dad searches internet, locates, orders and pays for component
*** and for the rest of my life I will claim a good 45% of that grade

Fuming

I finished today later than expected and was quite annoyed ...

... for the past few weeks I have been tied to a bloody laptop trying to turn a fucked up Account in to a silk purse of an opportunity for a client. I have been piggy in the middle between a Sales Exec that wants it to cost virtually nothing, a Delivery Exec who wants me to add more and more expensive resource to cover her skinny arse and an Account Executive that hasn't got a fucking clue what she is doing. I think it fair to say that it has been a trying time.

So, when a Sales Exec crawled out of the woodwork and asked me for ten minutes of my time and a quick call I wasn't overly keen to get involved. The reason for my reticence was that she wanted me to reacquaint myself with a piece of work I did nine months ago and then compare it with seventy five pages of material that  she had thoughtfully attached to her e-mail. She went on to advise that there was a possibility of her needing a refined solution within the next 4 weeks.

Realistically her "ten minutes" was going to be an hour or more and her urgent need for a solution was going to require a full team so I politely advised that I was very busy and pointed her at the Resource Manager who would ensure she got the support she needed.

I stupidly copied my new manager on my response and late in the afternoon he called to basically slap my wrist and advise that I wasn't showing a "can do" attitude. As a result I was required to jump tracks and spend a couple of hours looking over a pair of documents and a very Rough Order of Magnitude costing that I threw together last July.

I wish I had just ignored her mail and pretended to be somewhere else.

I can see... that pin down there

From a work perspective today was a bit of a write-off. *

My day started with a trip to the local hospital for my annual eye review. This involves tests way beyond the normal chart of ever decreasing letter sizes and featured pressure tests, determination of corneal thickness and a full visual inspection of the blood vessels in my retina. It may sound horrific but it is all painless and after more than forty years of tests like these the Specialist advised that my retinas were in fantastic shape and consequently decided that future annual tests were not necessary as the regular retinal photography should pick up any problems.

The aforementioned eye test requires that my pupils are dilated to maximum size for the retinal examinations and it takes up to six hours for them to return to normal size and function. During this six hour period one is hypersensitive to bright lights and focusing on fine print is an impossibility. As a result working, with the exception of the occasional call, wasn't feasible until late in the afternoon.

The second reason for writing off Monday was that most of the SMIs I needed to interface were not at work. As a result things were quiet but blurry vision meant that I couldn't take much advantage of this enforced hiatus.

I had a couple of calls; the first was with the EMEA Sales Exec and last weeks moment of sanity seems to have taken hold and it now looks like we will finalise the solution over the next two weeks and will take it through the Delivery review process when I return from my Easter break. The second call was from my new manager who had obviously had his ear bent by his manager following the briefing call I had with her last Friday. He wanted an update on the status of the project and what assistance he could provide. After telling him the history of the project and the recent move to sensible timescales it was very tempting to tell him that his offer of assistance would have been more valuable three weeks ago when we were right in the shit but I tempered my response only giving him the right hand barrel on the shitty approach to resourcing and the fact that at least three of my SMIs work part time.

This second call wasn't a complete waste of time as I did manage to negotiate a "day off in lieu" following the intense hours I have recently worked. This means that I can take a full week off at Easter rather than having to work one day due to insufficient holiday.

Late in the afternoon my eyes returned to normality and I took T&M for a walk and then cleared my in-box. I then did something that I haven't done for far too long and rattled a few pots and pans in the kitchen. The result was a Chinese spiced beef curry and it will be served for dinner tomorrow.

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* or was it? First action of the day was to send out a speculative resume. Whether it will lead to anything remains to be seen.

Busy but relaxing

Sunday started reasonably early too and I was out walking the dogs by nine o'clock and 30% took responsibility for dropping TP off at the rugby club. I had finished my walk by ten which gave time for a coffee before 30% and I returned to the club to watch the game ...

... and what a game it was. The pitch was very wet and, with two evenly matched sides, there was some incredibly sustained play for much of the match. At the end of the first half TP's team were five points to nil and TP claimed those points with his single try. The second half was equally tough and the opposition managed to equalise with a final score of 5:5. TP had a cracking game playing at both outside centre and full back and was involved in several of key defensive and attacking plays. At one point he picked up the ball from near his team's try line and ran it twenty yards or more up the pitch before being tackled in to touch by the opposition. In the muddy conditions he slid several yards in the liquid mud coming to a rest at our feet.

Leaving the club it was back home for a quick lunch and then 30% and I were out again. This time it was for a trip over to Broadway. We had seen an auction advertised for a local well know country house hotel that was about to have a major refurbishment. The few on-line pictures looked interesting so we headed over to see if the reality was anything like the catalogue descriptions ...

... unfortunately it wasn't. Basically the lots managed to convey an aura of a tired hotel that was unlikely to get repeat business. It all quite depressing and the eye candy catalogue items were not quite right and likely to fetch high prices. We left and dropped back in to Broadway for a chat and coffee with the Oranges & Lemons clan.

Ian O&L and I had a lengthy discussion about work and 30% and Rachel disappeared to talk about far more interesting things. As the afternoon loitered on the edge of evening we were forced to say our goodbyes as we had a dinner invitation at 30%'s parents' house for a belated celebration of her mum's birthday.

30%'s new toy

Despite a shattering week, I found myself awake a little before six this morning and thus had a very gentle start to my day with ample quantities of coffee and a healthy dose of TV news. 30% joined me a little after eight and forty minutes later we were stepping out through the door to go and see a car ...

... this one was at a car dealer only three miles down the road and was being sold by a friend of 30%'s brother. We were somewhat reassured by this and hoped that the adage you don't shit on your own doorstep applied, especially as 30% had placed a deposit on the car unseen.

I wandered around the little Audi in the rain and was pleasantly surprised at how good it looked for a ten year old car. The paintwork was not far off immaculate and there was only a slight dent in one of the sills that needed attention. We then took it down the road for a quick test drive and, as far as the Saturday morning traffic would allow, the engine and gearbox seemed good too. The only issue was a slight pull towards the kerb which we mentioned on our return. "No problem" said the Salesman "I'll send it off and have the tracking and 50 point check done as part of our sales preparation". I wandered around the car again and could see nothing troubling about the car. The rear disks would need changing at some point in the future but, as I keep telling 30%, what do I know, I'm no mechanic.

In the Office 30% reached a decision very quickly. If I am honest I think she knew she was going to buy it before she had even driven it and she will be collecting her new toy next weekend.

Back at home I entered a period of forced loitering; waiting for an appointment for a much needed haircut. As I mooched around the house I gave TP some assistance with the finishing touches of his electric ukulele project. My appointment was delayed by a good thirty minutes and so, by the time I climbed from the chair and paid my fee, the time I had set aside to walk T&M had been reduced to an inadequate duration and consequently further hanging around took place.

I eventually walked the dogs after lunch and returned feeling absolutely shattered. I settled on the sofa to watch the Italy vs Ireland Six Nations match and awoke about two hours later as the Wales vs England game was about to start! It was a fantastic game and was about the last thing I did today that is anywhere close to being worth recording here.

I guess that I am just so tired by the past few weeks at work that I really needed to just wind down.

A moment of sanity?

After banging my head against a proverbial wall for the past few weeks I have either reached the point where the EMEA Sales Exec is finally seeing sense or I have just damaged my brain so badly that I am now in a coma and living in an imaginary world constructed by my own wrecked frontal lobes.

I spoke to him fairly early on in the day  and he reported that he thought yesterday's sessions in London had gone well.* He then advised that he had had some discussions with the US Sales Exec and the Daemon** who manages the Business Unit that this deal falls within ...

... I think is is fair to say that is was these latter discussions that had really improved his mood as it looks like the pressure to finalise the EMEA costs has waned and he is now talking about taking the time to do things properly. I am all for this but if yesterday's sessions showed one thing it demonstrated that much of my solution was in a reasonable shape with only two areas that looked "iffy".*** With a fair wind I should get these sorted and be in a position to get this stage of the deal sorted before I take a weeks holiday starting from Good Friday.

With this glimmer of sanity illuminating my day I set about the normal series of calls and communications that would attempt to resolves today's set of issues. There is little else to say about the working day apart from the final briefing call with my second line manager where the Exec and I attempted to get her on board to assist with a particularly tricky issue that will most definitely require her support. ****

The big news of the day was on the home front, 30% may have found herself a new car. There is a small car dealership a few miles down the road and they have an Audi TT that may meet with her specific criteria,***** She has reserved and inspected it, rather than inspecting it and then reserving it, and a test drive is arranged for tomorrow.

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* I could have sworn that his face looked like Thunder when I left and raced for the 19:22 from Paddington
** Now there is a sarcastic, bullshitting wanker if ever there was one.
*** one looks to be over costed and the other under costed. In view of the fact that I prepare models built from estimates one nets out the other so my total number is in the ball park.
**** a trifling matter of a few Service Level Agreements that we can't actually meet.
***** or it may be that she has just got bored with scouring the internet for every single Audi TT for sale within a 100 mile radius of home

Two Days in One

Up until today I had been making an effort to keep this working week under control and had been making reasonable progress. Both Monday and Tuesday were acceptable in terms of hours worked and included time for walks with the dogs.

Wednesday arrived and could probably be best described as the calm before the storm as Thursday was to be a war room session down in London to scrutinise and hopefully reduce my solution costs. I really could not believe how quiet Wednesday was. I had a few evenly spaced calls, the usual hassle from someone in India, who doesn't really know what is going on but needs to make a fuss in order to justify their presence, and very little else. By the time the clock had struck four I was chopping kindling and and settling down in the lounge in front of the log burner.

Thursday, however, was the complete opposite. I was out of bed before six and trundling over to Evesham in a freezing Land Rover to make the ten to seven train down to Paddington. I then spent a good forty minutes negotiating a tube system that featured a temporary closure at Paddington due to volume of passengers and a halted Jubilee Line train at Baker Street due to a "Passenger Incident" at London Bridge. I eventually wandered in to the war room at about nine thirty to hear the dulcet tones of IM issuing from a conference phone on the table. I ignored him, and the call, and set up my stall ready for the day. At this point I had already accumulated over three hours of travelling time and the working day had not yet started. It was going to be a long one.

The aim of the day was to review my solution costs with each of the SMIs, the Delivery Team that are currently providing service and the Sales Exec ...

... and that was the problem. The Delivery Guys wanted  more men on the ground and the Sales Exec thought that we could do it with 4 poorly trained simians from a location in the Far East. It is fair to say that the day was long and hard and not very fruitful. By six o'clock the SMI's had sensibly switched off their Instant Messenger applications which forced a close to the day.  If I hadn't stood firm the Sales Exec would have had me ringing them at home and having calls running in to the evening. He really does have no sense of personal space and time. As a result there will be more calls tomorrow to try to get to the bottom of this mess.

 I think the interim position is that the costs were actually higher than when the day had started. We have a better understanding of them and are able to justify much of them but the Execs face on my departure was the most thunderous I had ever seen him.

I did warn him this is how it would go.

It was another three and a half hour journey home which netted out at a fifteen hour working day; two days in one.

Still Stalled

Tuesday continued in a very similar vein to Monday* ...

... the crunched numbers were given further analysis so that we truly knew that we are in the shit rather than, more sensibly, working on a plan to get us out of the aforementioned excrement. At one point in the day I had a brief discussion with the Sales Exec and I candidly mentioned that I was at a loss to see where we were headed with this analysis. I was somewhat taken aback that he admitted that he wasn't clear either. I need to stress that my surprise was at the fact that he admitted this to me, as his actions and statements have been lacking direction and leadership for a good few weeks.

The lack of a plan has meant that I have refused to work stupid hours each day. I can see no point in doing crazily long days when, for the moment, we are stood around looking at a bloated corpse of a deal. As a result I have made sure that I have taken an hour out the day to walk T&M around the Three Miler. On that subject all I can say is "Christ, it is bloody cold out at the moment" with bitterly cold winds and snow flurries coming in from the Continent.

Towards the end of the day a conference call was held with some senior interested parties and, as usual, they all stood around and poked the corpse with a stick hoping to make it ooze. At an opportune moment I took to the stage and outlined an action that might get the numbers in to better shape. Basically we need to remove cost and there is only one way that this can be done. The SMIs will get nowhere taking resources out of their solutions because they don't have the on the ground knowledge to know whether they are removing fat or cutting out critical organs. We need to have the Delivery Executive involved to sanction each and every head that we remove from the solution. As a result it looks like I will be having a long day in London on Thursday.

It was an early dinner this evening as 30% and TP headed out with the ukulele to see Doctor Dave. I filled this time crunching further numbers and chatting the the Sales Exec. At about half past eight the two returned with smiles on their faces ...

... apparently the volume control had failed and Dr Dave had simply bypassed the control making the ukulele reliant on the amplifier for adjustments. This is great news as the deadline for submitting this project is rapidly approaching and short of getting a new control box I was at a loss to help him.

---

*Apart from not having a trip to the Artrix in Bromsgrove to see Marcus Brigstocke's Brig Society tour. It was basically Brigstocke telling us that he was a posh bloke, but not as posh as David Cameron or Gideon George Osborne and how the Big Society concept hadn't really worked. I have to say that it was "OK" and raised a few laughs but, as a set, it didn't really hang together particularly well and I saw similarities to Mark Thomas' Peoples Manifesto concept so question the originality. The biggest laugh of the night was given to a member of the audience who told Brigstocke he was a Fudge Packer in response to an enquiry about his occupation. Sorry Marcus, it was funny but only 6/10 funny.

Stalled

Monday started with a very early call to the EMEA Sales Exec. I explained about my inability to prepare for a major review and attend his escalation call at one and the same time and he finally, but briefly, grew a pair of balls and informed me that I should cancel the review. It has taken this bleeding idiot the best part of a week to make this decision despite having arguments and evidences piled in to his in-box. On Saturday evening I even gave him a specific action to let me know one way or another by Sunday evening ...

... and yet I still find my self talking to him before I have even had breakfast today. What a Prick!

The day rumbled on and the reason for the current situation is that the costs are too high, the client wouldn't accept them, and there are contractual terms we are unlikely to be able to deliver so the Delivery Organisation will not accept them either.  For some peculiar reason the EMEA Sales Exec is only focussed on reducing cost and seems to ignore the fact that Delivery will not approve the solution.

As a result of this I have spent my day extracting and comparing cost figures to give him a detailed view of how bad the cost situation is. From my perspective this isn't really telling us anything we don't already know. It is just wasting time telling him that we are precisely £347,281 up in a certain area rather than about three hundred "K".*

 At present we are stalled with an inability to turn costs in to a compelling price and a Delivery Organisation that does not view the solution favourably. To get this machine** moving again we need to reduce costs and garner approval from our Delivery teams. His role is to pull together advice from all parties and put a high level plan and set of actions together to achieve that.

Piss arsing around with a spreadsheet of doom is not going to help!

---

* This is an example and not the magnitude of the real problem. Please believe me when I say that are cost increases are SO much  worse than this.
** Do not be thinking "finely tuned racer" instead one should picture a rust ridden heap that has just spluttered to a halt outside the Scrap Yard.

I wish he had chosen to make a table

I wandered through Sunday periodically checking my e-mail in the hope that the Sales Exec would see sense and cancel tomorrow's review call. The time not spent in front of the laptop was passed undertaking normal domestic duties ...

... first order of the day, after a Mother's Day breakfast of eggs in various guises, was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M. Upon my return all three of us gathered to bath the dogs. 30% and TP were on bathing duties and I was responsible for toweling them dry.

Next job was to complete final assembly of TP's electric ukulele. TP soldered the various components together and a single string was strung for testing purposes. The mini guitar was plugged in to his practice amp and we were rewarded with a significantly louder plink, plink, plink from the plucked string. Encouraged, we inserted the volume and tone controls in to the body and retested ...

... Nothing, Fuck! Well that is not wholly true, varying the tone or volume controls on the ukulele did have an audible affect on the amp's natural background hum so we knew that some form of connection was there but there was no sound. After a fruitless hour of connection checking it was time to call in an expert and a friend of 30%'s Dad will have a look at it on Tuesday evening. He has had a lifelong involvement with guitars; playing, building and selling. Fingers are crossed that this is an easy fix.

Frustrated by my inability to create sound from a lump of Mahogany, I retired to a freezing garage to sulk. The results of this session were the box components for a glazed, box frame I have designed to display the Spear Heads we acquired at Littleton Auctions a few weeks ago.

The box is basically a ply and softwood construction with the sides rebated to hold the base. The corners are screwed and glued but joints. It was assembled in the warmth of the house and now sits in the corner of the office drying. The next stage will be to line the box with tan coloured kid leather as a background for the spears. Then it will simply be a matter of mounting the spear heads, fixing the box to the back of glazed frame and chucking it on to the wall.

As the evening wore on I checked my e-mail one last time and noticed that the Sales Exec had invited me to a call early tomorrow when I really should be preparing for an Executive review call. The call he had set up had the potential to start to sort out the mess we are in but he hasn't made the decision to cancel my review call.

As a result I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and will need to make some very early calls in an attempt to rectify his cock ups.

Ignoring the Life Ring!

As we tucked in to a Chinese takeaway the 'phone rang. We ignored it and allowed the answerphone to do it's job ...

... it was the EMEA Sales Executive wondering if I could take a call this evening with him and the Pricer. I returned the call and grudgingly agreed to have a call at eight thirty. At the appointed hour I dialled in to his conference bridge and we started to discuss this train wreck of a deal. He was concerned about the increase in price over our last presentation in December last year and I was forced to remind him of a few conveniently forgotten facts ...

... Basically this deal wasn't properly solutioned when HE first led it in 2009 and then last year there was some cavalier scrubbing of cost to make the price point dictated by the client. Now we are being asked to provide a firm price it has been necessary to re-insert those costs to ensure Delivery capability. Like all Salesmen he really doesn't want to  go in with a high price and I can actually understand his position but my job is to protect Delivery and the only way I can cut cost is to reduce scope and that aint yet happening.

A short way in to the call it was decided that we should get the Lead Sales Exec involved and so the call became Transatlantic in nature...

... After doing our very best to get the American Sales Exec up to speed* he realised that there was no way the Client would sign up to our new price when the current price was far more palatable and contractually committed until the back end of 2016. He repeatedly stated that he would like to cut out the EMEA part of the bid so that we could go away and put something together that was an attractive Business proposition.**

This was our Get out of Jail Card. This would stop the train on the very edge of the collapsed canyon bridge. Would our EMEA Sales Exec take this gracious offer ?

Oh No. The stupid dithering idiot still wants to go through reviews that will fail and result in a price that is around twelve million dollars higher than it is today, rather than taking a few weeks and doing the job properly as opposed to chucking it together in 4 days flat.

---

* A monumental task for he literally hasn't a clue about the EMEA Services or Solution
** i.e. Cheaper for them, Deliverable for us

Taking a gulp of air

It has been nearly a fortnight since I put "pen to paper" and the reason for that is twofold; firstly after a twelve or thirteen hour day stuck in front of a laptop the last thing I have wanted to do is spend even more time pecking at a keyboard and secondly, the ins and outs of a badly assembled IT Services Outsourcing deal is never ever going to be fun reading.

Fundamentally I have spent most of the last fortnight stuck in my office with a 'phone stuck to my ear on back to back conference calls. At the same time I have been trying to communicate with a team of frustrated SMIs via hastily assembled emails and poorly spelled instant messages. It is fair to say that it has all been pretty shitty. The time line for this deal means that I am assembling a solution and costs whilst the requirements are still being negotiated and that means that  a) my solution is not going to align with what the client want and b) my solution may well not align with the contract finally agreed and that well mean that the Delivery Guys will be deep in the shit if this ever signs!

The Sales team are ignoring our carefully constructed arguments and solid reasons to stop, take a breath and do things properly and, as time has gone on, things are starting to unravel as the issues that have been ignored finally come to a head.

This sounds awful and I have to say that I am not really having fun but it is nowhere near as stressful as I had expected it to be. I think I have finally realised that this isn't worth getting worked up about. Basically what happens is I follow the process until we get to the eleventh hour. At that point I have a solution which is probably about 80 - 90 % acceptable with a few objectionable features that prevent a contract being agreed. At the eleventh hour a review happens, the objectionable features are exposed and an Exec somewhere starts shouting. People then start running around and all of the objectionable features either get accepted or forced in to a contract...

... and that basically is another deal completed.

To be fair last weekend was reasonably free but I did put in a couple of hours on Saturday and Sunday to keep on top of things.* I was unwilling to tie myself to the laptop for the sake of my own sanity and, more importantly, last weekend we were joined by a young visitor...

... Joe spent a couple of days with us while his Mum was in hospital for a scheduled operation. It has been quite a while since we had a "nearly eight" year old in the house and I have to say that he was an absolute pleasure. He ate like a horse, drank tea by the bucket full and  was willing to just join in and go along with our weekend agenda. After TP's teenage grunts and monosyllabic nature an eight year old's chatter and questions were quite refreshing.

This weekend has only just started and one of the first things I did was get outside and walk T&M. The long days of this week have meant that I literally have not stepped outside the boundaries of The Pile and TP has been on dog walking duties. It was nice to be outside in the fresh air but if I am honest work did keep creeping back in to my head as I wandered around the Three Miler.

I returned to an empty house as TP had headed in to Worcester and 30% was spending the day with Jules at a Spa in Malvern. I therefore settled down at the laptop to finalise my presentation for Monday's eleventh hour review before lunch. The afternoon saw a fire get lit and a small repair was performed on TP's electric ukulele...

... I think it will be a takeaway for supper tonight.

---

* This is not actually true. There is no way you can keep on top of things at the pace these deals run. All you can do is hope and pray that you focus on the right emails at the right time. To give some idea of the pace, a standard day will have six hours of scheduled conference calls plus impromptu discussions in the gaps between. There will be one or more contract schedules to review and comment against and these can be eighty pages in length. Finally, there are the technical issues of the actual solution that need to be addressed to. I just prioritise and pray I don't get caught out.

Long days ...

The past few days have been very long and can mostly be described as back to back telephone calls with the odd interval where I can take a pause for breath.* I am forced to extend the working day in to the evening to clear the incessant flood of urgent e-mails.

I attempt to multi task on conference calls and handle instant messages and mails but have to be honest and say that I am kidding myself if I am taking in the conversations that rattle on in the background in the background.

This is not the way to deliver a quality product and, without a doubt, something important is going to be missed from our project.  As a result I am attempting to ensure we keep on track and that my arse is covered when it all goes tits up.

T&M are also disgusted as we only managed to make it out for a walk on Tuesday.

---

* There have been a couple of occasions where a cordless 'phone with a mute button has allowed me to take a pee during a two and a half hour call.

I'm not sure Dante's is very good at this!

Monday was my first day back at work and from first impressions it didn't look like anything much had happened whilst I was away. The tasks I had asked to be progressed had been shuffled forwards, never as far forward as I would have hoped, but at least they had gone in the right direction. However the final requirement information I was waiting for was still not available.

I spent the day catching up on progress, linking up with colleagues and clearing the backlog of email. Late in the day, about an hour before I needed to finish to take TP to the dentist, I attended a call in preparation for tomorrows face to face with the client. As the call progressed it rapidly became apparent that the timescale for this project had been reduced from a highly challenging and extremely risky fortnight to about a week and a half ...

... and to make matters worse that "week and a half" starts today even though I don't have final requirements.

I took TP off to the dentist and considered various tactics to get Executive support for this nightmare, whilst I got a close up view of just how deep the roots are on a lateral incisor.* It was then a case of a hurried narrative of 30%'s day, supper and a further couple of hours in front of the laptop, including a chat with the UK Sales Exec, catching up on the time I lost carrying out out Paternal Duties.

The next couple of weeks are going to be Hell but I suppose the positive view is that it is only two weeks rather than four!

---

*CRINGE!

Always read the fine print

Once Sunday stared rolling 30% subtly made it clear that she quite fancied a trip down to Bath to view a car she had found on a dealer's website. As a result I got the dogs walked early and by eleven we were ready to set off down the M5 ...

... for some strange reason the drive down seemed to take forever and if I hear that bloody Sat Nav say "in point six miles take the second exit off the roundabout" I swear I will launch the damned thing through the window.*

We eventually arrived and had a look around the vehicle. On first inspection it appeared to be in great condition with a low mileage and the interior looked beautiful with the Baseball Leather seats that attracted 30% to it in the first place. I took a peek under the bonnet and noticed that the engine oil was absolutely disgusting and this started to flash amber lights when we started to peruse the accompanying paperwork. It's last service was only about four months ago so with such a low mileage I would have expected the oil to look fresher than it did ...

... and when we read the Audi Service Technician's recommendations on the Service invoice further concerns manifested. The car need somewhere in the region of two thousand pounds spent on suspension replacement and a cam belt change. By the Dealer's reaction I am guessing that a) he may not have looked through the paperwork with as much attention to detail and b) that sheet may well get lost before the next Punter walks through the door. The Service Tech's recommendations were backed up by advisory notices on the MOT so it was time to walk away.

We arrived back mid afternoon after taking a diversion through Tewkesbury just to escape the tedium of motorway driving. A fire was lit and TP and I made further progress on the Resistant Materials project; the wood filler was sanded smooth, glue was mixed and the neck was finally fixed on to TP's lovingly crafted solid mahogany ukulele body.

I'm back at work tomorrow ... fan-bloody-tastic!

---

* This was heard repeatedly as we skirted Bristol and headed on towards our destination

A cold day with a chance of badgers

Saturday was a quiet day. I took the dogs out mid morning and then gave TP some assistance with his electric ukulele project. He is at the stage where the body needs to be sanded down before the neck is attached. I must admit that the piece of salvaged mahogany he acquired looks fantastic now it has been finished and a coat of wax should really bring it to life.

After lunch 30% headed back in to Evesham on a mission  and left me to my own devices. I spent an hour or so drawing up some plans for a box frame to display the spear heads we bought at auction a couple of weeks ago and then wandered out to the garage to check on materials. I have most of the timber but will need a few fixings and sheet material before I can make much progress.  I also think there may well be some intense "head scratching" when I get to the point of mounting the spear heads and assembling the frame.

With that finished I lit a fire and settled down for a lazy afternoon. Some time later 30% returned from her trip to Evesham having successfully negotiated a price on an item we noticed in the old indoor market yesterday.*

We are now the owners of a stuffed badger. He is in lovely condition and simply needs a mount constructing to display him properly ...

... I must see if there is any more of that mahogany bench top going spare.

---

* it has long since closed as a market and now optimistically describes itself as an Antique Centre. Junk Emporium is a little closer to the truth.

Here's a story ...

About thirty years ago my cousin had a monumental row with her mother and stormed off with her boyfriend. If you knew either of them that spat would have come as no surprise as both of them were quite spoilt in their own way.

Now I appreciate that, as stories go, that isn't much of one, but I haven't finished. To this day neither Mother nor Daughter have had any contact.* They have lived separate lives, each cut off from the other. Sadie, for that is my cousin's name just packed her bags and disappeared, setting up a new life with her new family.

Many years ago Bad Man Senior attempted to get in touch with her and I recall that a meeting did take place but no bridges were built and, after that brief encounter, she returned to her chosen life. That must have been more than fifteen years ago now and in real terms she is now just a distant memory. A childhood friend that was as close as a sister in our pre-school years but is now just an uncommon name that rarely surfaces in my thoughts ...

... until today. First stop of the day for 30% and I was Littleton Auction rooms where the table yet again failed to make an appearance. We then headed over to Evesham for a wander around a couple of sale rooms and found a possible. ** Anyone who has read The Journal will know that Evesham is my home town and that I have developed a disdain for the place as it has deteriorated over the past thirty years. We therefore set out for Craycombe Farm in an attempt to lift our spirits.

At Craycombe Farm we wandered around the Antique units and were thawing out in a very expensive establishment when we got chatting to the Proprietors. They were an elderly couple and, after a lifetime of Antique Deals, were as pleasant and trustworthy as a pair of underfed Vampires. As 30% enquired about the cost of having a table re-finished I watched as the wife quite openly and repeatedly encouraged her husband to increase his estimate for this task. It transpired that their son ran an associated antique restoration business and the Vampire Queen was ensuring he got his blood too. As we chatted further we mentioned that our next stop was to visit Jim who runs the wood turning business on the Farm.*** At this point they asked  if I had attended Prince Henry's High School as their son had briefly been a pupil there and also knew Jim.

I explained that I knew Jim through his wife Rose and the conversation wained. We made our excuses and left, never once turning our backs on the blood sucking duo. As we walked around the corner we bumped in to Jim and were soon stood in his workshop catching up on each others' news and chatting about our day. We recounted our conversation with Vlad and his undead Queen and Jim happened to mention the name of their son; Carl**** ...

... somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain a neuron glimmered ... Carl, Carl ... the glow increased and, one after another, neurons started to fire. I knew that name. Why did I know that name? I asked Jim if Carl had any notoriety and he shrugged and said that there was nothing he could think of. Suddenly, out of the blue, it came to me. "Does he have a wife called Sadie?" I asked. Jim looked somewhat taken aback and confirmed that he did.

So, after the best part of thirty years, a chance encounter with a pair of blood thirsty dealers followed by a chat with a friend and I come within a whisker of a cousin that I haven't spoken to for a generation. Will I make contact? I was going to say probably not but I know that the true answer is no. We have both drifted too far apart for a reunion to have any value or meaning.

---

* I believe my aunt may have written a letter in an attempt to make the peace but nothing came of it.
** It's back story suggested that it could be had for much less than the asking price and it would need that discount as a re-polish would be necessary to restore it to it's former glory. In the end we decided not to make an offer as, after laying out a 6' x 4' rectangle on the dining room floor, 30% MAY have finally realised that a four or five foot diameter circular table is the better option.
*** Jim, as in Rosie & Jim.
****surname redacted in a half arsed attempt to preserve anonymity

Other stuff
Today I also briefly had possession of my new helmet until close examination showed that I had been sent an ex-display item with a scratch on the brow. The damned thing was rapidly repackaged and sent back with a request for the new helmet I had actually ordered.

30% and I filled our afternoon by making a huge batch of pea and ham soup until it was time to collect TP from school after his Austrian skiing trip. He had been delayed by coach problems, missed ferries and diversions to avoid motorway crashes and arrived about four hours later than expected but reported that the resort was fantastic providing the best snow and apres ski entertainment he had ever experienced.

It is no wonder his nickname is Spoilt Bastard.

The search for THE table continues ...

The search for a dining table continued today with visit to Stratford. After taking T&M for an early morning walk we headed over to the home of the Bard for a wander around an Auction House, I have to be honest and say that I am getting more and more confused as 30% is sending some very mixed messages. The tables she says she REALLY likes are in tip top condition, highly polished and with an asking price as high as the gloss on their surface. However the tables she directs my attention to in Auction Houses tend towards either scruffy or totally impractical.

Today was a perfect example. We had visited this Auction for a viewing of a dark oak table she had seen in their on-line catalogue. Let's put aside the fact that I didn't like the carved edge and legs for a moment and consider the fact that the fucking thing was over six feet long at it's shortest and with it's six extra leaved added would reach a length of over fourteen feet. It was totally impractical for a room that is only 12' x 14' and matched neither the chairs we have just sent to be re-upholstered nor the fire surround she insisted remained as focal point in the dining room ...

... "but the Auctioneer's estimate is three to four hundred pounds" she reminded me. I silently said "yes, and that is because a) it is pig fucking ugly and b) no-one has a room or enough chairs to accommodate the monstrosity. It was totally inappropriate for the house and the clutter of the viewing room would not allow a close inspection either.  Talk about a pig in a poke. I toned down my true opinion by several notches and we moved on to the next table. This one was oak and was very scruffy. The top was badly scratched and would need a complete re-polish. It was a million miles away from the tables she admires on-line and I simply advised that we could do a lot better.

We finished our perusal of the lots and then nipped out of town to visit another Dealer 30% had located on the web. She had forgotten to read his web site so I hastily made a phone call from a lay-by near his house and made an appointment to view his stock. He had a couple of tables that had potential but our two minutes of notice meant that much of his stock was stacked in a poorly lit warehouse, so we left making promises to make a further appointment when he could move our preferred tables in to his viewing room.

In the post-viewing analysis it became apparent that 30% did quite like the look of one of his tables but the price put in the same bracket as one she lusts after in the wilds of Yorkshire.

Lord, give me strength.

In the afternoon I did my utmost to stay out of the biting cold and set up a temporary workshop in the house. I finished the glazing of my oak picture frames and inserted the mounted photographs. We now have a trio of portraits of T&M and need to find wall space to accommodate them.

In the late afternoon I finally found time for a nap in front of the fire and in the evening 30% then moved on to her equally haphazard search for an Audi TT. It is fair to say that her automotive selection process is just like her approach to furniture buying.

A minor mauling by a shark

As I set out on one of the very few motorcycle rides I took last year I noticed that some of the trim on my aged, but immaculate Arai Quantum F was starting to come away from the helmet shell. I have had the helmet for over ten years and, to be honest, it was well overdue for replacement but my limited annual mileage, it's great condition and the price of a new lid all have repeatedly persuaded me to put it off for yet another season.

That season has finally arrived and, after taking T&M for an early morning walk, I set off to the wilds of Hinckley as that was the most conveniently* located helmet superstore.** The reason for travelling to a major retailer was to try on as many helmets as possible to ensure great comfort and fit. To a non-biker I suppose the closest experience is buying a pair of shoes ... they need to look right, they need to fit perfectly and they have to say the right thing about the wearer. Then, in addition to this, imagine if it were illegal to be out and about without shoes so you couldn't just take them off if they started to rub.

As I mentioned at the start of this entry, it is more than ten years since I last bought a helmet but I can still remember the experience. *** Each helmet manufacturer uses a slightly different shaped shell and, as a consequence, some helmets fit better than others, so there I was in an Industrial unit on the outskirts of Hinckley trying on helmet after helmet ...

... I can report that nothing has really changed. The following facts sum up my helmet buying experience;

1. Bikers have the most appalling taste in helmet graphics
2. I don't know what happened to the wearers of AGV and Bell helmets in their formative years but am guessing that their heads were bound and compressed in some way
3. Shoei's are good fit BUT just not good enough
4. Why is is that every Shark helmet I put on bends the tops of my ears over?
5. Arai helmets fit me best.

As a result I tried to walk away with a size L, gloss black Arai Axcess II lid but was advised that they were out of stock. I wasn't particularly disheartened as the Internet is full of on-line motorcycle gear retailers and I was now assured that Arai helmets still fit me better than anything else out there.

Once home I found a retailer that was happy to sell me a new helmet with free delivery for twenty five pounds less than the establishment I visited ...

... so I ignored that, added a hundred quid to my budget, and went and bought myself a replacement Arai Quantum instead.

Other Stuff

The afternoon was spent freezing my whatsits off in the garage routing the rebates in the two oak picture frames I have made. These have now been sanded and given a coat of wax polish and hopefully I will find time tomorrow to glaze them and mount the pictures.

---

* can 45 miles away be classified as convenient?
** They really do exist.
*** and the location; Farnborough. I took a minor diversion when down in the region for a meeting and spent a happy hour spending the insurance money**** received after dropping my Shark on the garage floor.
**** plus another tidy sum from my bank balance

Sauce for the Goose?

30% was good to her word and made an appearance shortly after eight o'clock this morning.* After breakfast I nipped out to the garage and glued and cramped the picture frame that I had started yesterday. We then nipped in to town for a whizz around the supermarket, and a couple of other errands.

On our return we lunched and afterwards I happened to mention that I might take a nap on the sofa. 30% gave me a look and was about to say something but rapidly reconsidered and uttered "it doesn't matter". Now I have enough sense to know that when 30% says it doesn't matter what she is not saying DOES matter. I enquired as to the nature of the thing that didn't matter and it appears that my proposal to have a Tuesday afternoon kip on the sofa was not a good use of our holiday and I should be doing something more ...

I did try pointing out that her viewpoint could possibly be viewed as a tad hypocritical in view of yesterday's mega lie-in but this was simply met with a withering look ...

... Oh well, the dining room door has now been sanded and coated with liquid wax.

---

* Her normal reluctance to rise reminds me of a saying BMS used to chide my elder sister when she was in her teens; You'll lie in bed until the crows build a nest up your arse. Then you'll wake and wonder how the sticks got there.

Staycation; Day 3

On Saturday I mentioned the fact that 30% does like a lie-in and described Saturday's extended sleeping session as Gold Standard. Well if that described Saturday's inability to get out of bed, God knows what term I should use for today's session ...

... I wasn't exactly up early myself but managed to let out and feed the chickens, take a leisurely breakfast, make bread*, walk the dogs, re-salt the belly pork, order a load of logs and take in most of an hour long television programme before she sheepishly surfaced at eleven thirty.

We had an early lunch / late breakfast and then I loaded a set of 6 dining chairs in the the Defender and we drove them over to Sally; our Upholsterer of choice. The plan is to have Sally give the chairs a light clean and re-polish and then re-upholster with a grey green leather that we have recently purchased. We drank coffee and exchanged news with Sally before nipping in to the outskirts of Worcester to see whether Dave the Stripper had anything interesting in his shed.

Fortunately, for the sake of our wallets, Dave had nothing that caught our eye but one of his men was able to help me out by providing a couple of strips of mahogany that can be used to repair the damaged dental moulding on the corner cupboard we acquired on Saturday.**

Back at home we had a couple of hours of the afternoon left. 30% set to on the corner cupboard and gave it a good going over with furniture cleaner and I wandered out to the garage ...

... in the Autumn I had made a start on a trio of oak picture frames to display some prints of T&M. I had managed to complete the first frame but numbers two and three had never made it off the drawing board. Well today I made a start on putting this right and can report that frame number two is glued up and cramped on the workbench and the components for frame number three are cut and will be glued up tomorrow.

---

* the bread maker has a three and a half hour cycle to produce a loaf and it was out and cooling as her Ladyship made her first appearance of the day
** I can report that after twenty four hours in the house the door closes. It is snug, but it shuts.

Staycation; Day 2

After crowing about having a freezer drawer full of Guanciale* and subsequently cramming it in to virtually everything she cooks, 30% reported yesterday that we were running short of home cured bacon. She offered a plea to the Gods to encourage Kathy H-R to slaughter a couple of pigs** whilst I took a slightly more direct approach ...

... and that is why the first job this morning was to bone a piece of belly pork and start the dry curing process. By the end of the week this will be a fine piece of streaky bacon hanging from a hook in the kitchen. A week further on it will be ready for slicing or cubing.

Next job on the list was to get T&M exercised so it was out and around the Three Miler. Upon my return I spent a lazy morning pottering before we sat down to a lunch of scrambled eggs and bacon on toast. I wouldn't normally be so precise about my repast but 30% pointed out that everything on the plate had been produced here at The Pile; home made bread, home cured bacon and eggs courtesy of the chickens.

In the afternoon we continued our hunt for a table and visited a couple of Antique warehouses over towards Stratford. Neither had what we wanted but we did end up purchasing a fine reproduction oak Captain's chair upholstered in black leather. It looks much more appropriate in front of the desk than the crappy pine chair I currently use.

At this rate this holiday is going to cost us a bloody fortune.

On the way back home we popped in to an Antique shop tucked away on a back road between Stratford and Alcester. As we walked in I noticed a copper lined, mahogany planter that looked rather familiar. I was certain I had seen it for sale at Littleton Auctions a week ago and we asked the proprietor if that was it's origin. He sheepsihly admitted it and almost*** looked embarrassed when I commented that I now knew his margin and knew how far he was likely to move on his prices. As we wandered around 30% noticed an oak arts & crafts sideboard that had also interested us at the auction. It had sold for £85 and was now on offer with an added coat of furniture wax for more than £360. It will come as no surprise that we made no purchases at this particular establishment.

With the afternoon drawing to a close we headed home, lit the fire and settled in for the evening. Supper was eaten from our laps and loose plans were discussed for the rest of the week.

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* A bacon made from cured pigs' cheeks
** None of her customers want the head so we get them given to us
*** the word almost is important. He was, after all, an Antique Dealer

Staycation; Day 1

Saturday started abruptly at seven o'clock ...

... that git of a son of mine had left for his skiing trip yesterday without bothering to cancel his repeating alarm as a result 30% and I were awakened ready for school. 30% can sleep on a clothes line in a hurricane but once I'm awake, I'm awake so I dressed and wandered down stairs ...

... after multiple cups of coffee, release of poultry, the early morning news and my breakfast I realised that 30% was in for a gold standard lie-in and that I may as well do something constructive with my time. I rounded up T&M and took them for a walk around the Three Miler. I arrived back home a little after eleven o'clock to find 30%, still pyjama'd, preparing a Spaghetti Bolognese on the stove.

We discussed our plans for the day and an early lunch followed by a tour of the Leominster Antique shops was settled upon. We had a pleasant time in the little Herefordshire Market town and saw plenty of splendid pieces of furniture but none of the tables were the one. On our return we stopped at a roadside cafe and Antiques barn as we descended from Bringsty Common.  As we mooched amongst some gloomy containers we came across a dusty mahogany corner cupboard. It was in great original condition and the only issue seemed to be that the door would not shut. The container was unheated so our guess was that the door may have swollen in the damp and was now binding on the face frame. It's price was very attractive so we took a punt and popped it in the back  of the car.

I just hope that the door shuts after a few days in a centrally heated home.

I'm outta here

It is Friday and my last day at work before a week's holiday. I think it fair to say that I am so glad to be away from work even though I know that I will return to a complete and utter nightmare. The reason for this is that my current project is running behind schedule due to delays in finalising the client requirements. Everyone knows that we are at least a week behind in our plan and everybody but one is freely admitting it. The problem is that the One is the Lead Sales Exec in America.  In his heart of hearts he knows that he is not going to get this signed by the end of March but there is so much Senior Executive focus on this deal that he cannot be seen to paint the true picture ...

... as a result he spent a merry forty five minutes on the phone last night attempting to apportion blame to this side of the pond. We stood firm against his unjust criticisms and pointed out that his minimalist approach to communications and ludicrously short timescales for review of documents* weren't really helping move things along. To make matters worse the Client in Europe is not really focussed on progressing this deal as they are under contract for another forty months so an extension is understandably not at the top of their to do list. In the end he did what was expected and promised to improve the trans-Atlantic communications and to apply pressure to the client where vital information was not forthcoming. **

 The realist in me recognises that we are going to be worked like slaves to achieve the non-achievable target and then there will be a last minute extension. This is why I am taking a week off; first, it allows me to recharge my batteries and secondly, it is one less week of dealing with bullshit. This is not a mature approach. Rushing this project will introduce errors and the last minute extension will be used to get Senior Executives to mandate the release of an imperfect product rather than taking it at the appropriate pace and delivering a decent proposal. In view of all of this I did my best to do some preemptive arse covering and had a briefing call with my Second Line Manager this afternoon. ****

By six o'clock I had run out of steam couldn't be bothered to do any more.  I set my out of office, changed my voice-mail message and turned off my e-mail application.

Bollocks to the lot of them.

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* in his diatribe it became apparent that when he sent over a document for us to review what he expected back was comments along the lines of that's great, go for it.  What he most definitely did not want was expert analysis and identification of areas of risk that could expose Dante's to excessive cost or poor service delivery.
** I equate this statement the same degree of trust and belief as I do the response the cheque is in the post ***
*** This is the second biggest lie in the history of mankind. The first is no Darling, I won't come in your mouth.
**** I hope that a) she read between the lines and b) remembers we had the conversation

A change of plan

30% and I were both really looking forward to a week away in Pwll Du Bay, so it came as a disappointment to learn that our tranquil week was likely to be somewhat less solitary than expected ...

... The owner contacted us to advise that the building works on the cottage had overrun and that the drilling for the ground water heating system was likely to be a backdrop to our week on The Gower. The main reason we go there is because it is so quiet and people free so the idea of spending time with a band of merry Ground Works Contractors was absolutely not what we had in mind.* I should point out that she did offer a partial refund but in the end we decided to cancel and re-book for Easter.**

As a result 30% and I will be having a staycation next week. We have no real plans but I am guessing that we will get a few jobs at home completed and have the time to actually go out and hunt for the dining table and possibly a new car for 30%.

The one thing I am sure about is that I am most definitely not telling Dante's about my change of plans. As far as they are concerned I am away on holiday in the wilds of Wales.

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* especially if the weather was appalling and we wanted to spend the day at the cottage in front of the fire.
** there is a possibility of better weather then too

Oh Joy, it is Monday.

A couple of inches of wet snow had fallen overnight and the garden looked quite attractive in the early morning light. However, signs of thawing were already apparent and it didn't look like it would lie on the ground for long.

Work was it's usual endless riot of laughter and amusement. Today's big news was that my request for replacement of the individual assigned to provide holiday cover had been ignored. As a result only two of the five days I am away will be covered. To make matters worse my deputy only works three days a week so I either need to perform my hand over on Wednesday or, more realistically, spend Friday evening writing a War and Peace email attempting to describe how to keep this shit* on course.

Of more interest were the lots that 30% collected from the Auction House at lunchtime; the coal box looks fantastic after a quick polish and is now sitting beside the fireplace in the dining room. As for the African spear tips, they too are very attractive and today's game is to lay them out in a pattern that would look attractive as a framed mount.

You could do some mischief with these

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* this is not a typo

Anyone know how to make an electric ukulele?

Sunday's weather forecast had never sounded promising; cold and wet, turning to snow later and the Met Office had certainly got the morning's weather spot on. There was never going to be a dry spell today and I also had a lot to do so I bit the bullet and took T&M out for a soggy walk whilst 30% drove TP over to the rugby club for a training session.

I was out and back by ten thirty and spent a merry ten minutes toweling down the dogs before thawing myself with a cup of coffee. 30% was back by about eleven and I got her to help me carry yesterday's trunk project from the garage in to the house where I applied a coat of wax polish. This took up the remainder of the morning and I finished as lunch was served.

The afternoon was spent back out in the garage assisting TP's with his electric ukulele project. Today's objective was to prepare the solid mahogany body for the electronics. A socket was drilled out for the jack plug and the mortice for the volume and tone controls was chiseled out. We also got the holes drilled through the body for the wires connecting controls, jack and pick-up.

This took most of the afternoon and it is fair to say that it was most definitely not the weather for working in a large unheated garage. As a result my next priority task was to light a fire and thaw my bones in front of it. As the daylight faded the rain turned to sleet and then snow ...

... looks like I will be drying off the dogs AGAIN before I go to bed tonight.

I need a break

Saturday seemed to be a day of fetching and carrying combined with frustrating loitering.

The day started with me running TP over to a nearby Paintball establishment to link up with his rugby mates for a team building activity. Having completed this paternal duty I returned home for a coffee whilst 30% and I entered a few on-line bids on a local Auction house's website.  We had attended the viewing yesterday evening and there were a couple of items that we quite liked, however neither of us thought hanging around an auction room on the off-chance of being successful was a good use of our morning.

30% has hopes of finding the table at this fortnightly auction but I am not so sure. I appreciate that a table might come up but the general condition of the lots suggests that there is a quality gap between what she is looking for and what tends to be up for sale. Then there is the factor of how long she is prepared to leave the dining room without furniture. To be honest I  think a bargaining session with a relatively local antique dealer is more likely to be fruitful.*

With our bids made I donned hat and coat and took T&M for a walk around a drizzly Three Miler.** On my return my next task was to pop over to the local feed store and pick up some shavings for the chicken coops. I returned and found myself with one of the aforementioned periods of loitering ... 30% advised that she would be getting lunch in about half an hour and so I was left with 30 minutes to fill. Every task I had on my to do list would fill much more than this and so I kicked my heels and hung around frustrated a not being able to get on with anything.

After lunch I finally succumbed to 30%'s unsubtle hints*** and clipped T&M's faces. Having got this ten minute job out of the way, I then paid a call on BMS and SMS. The reason for this visit was manyfold; to catch up on their news, to reduce our glut of eggs, to borrow a router for TP's electric ukulele project and to collect my exchanged Christmas Present. We chatted and drank tea as the afternoon passed and I realised that TP needed to be picked up.

Next stop was the Paintballing site to collect a cold and soggy son before heading back to The Pile. It was now about four o'clock and, as I said at the start of this entry, all I had done was fetch and carry and loiter for five minute spells before my next task became due. When we got home the auction results had finally listed on the internet and we now appear to be the owners of a fine mahogany coal box **** and a collection of African spear heads. *****

It was now nearly five o'clock and I didn't feel like I had really achieved much so I wandered out to the garage to take out my frustrations on a few pieces of timber ...

... a couple of hours later I was pleased to report that a stripped pine trunk has now been sanded and given a coat of wood reviver and will be ready for polishing tomorrow.

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* although more costly than she would like.
** Note to self: I saw C&M walking the Three Miler earlier in the week and C was pushing a trundle wheel. When I asked he confirmed that he was measuring it to see whether it really was three miles in length. I must remember to ask him what his findings were ... and it is true of C that once a Quantity Surveyor, always a Quantity Surveyor.
*** Hello Darling, does your face need clipping? repeated ad nauseam
**** in need of nothing more than a coat of wax polish
***** in need of mounting in some sort of box frame

Easy come, easy go

A couple of hours later there was another knock at the door. I fought my way past two frenetic canines and opened the door. It was yet another middle-aged lady* and she too was lacking the expected parcel, stylus and electronic pad. "Hello" she said "Have you got my chicken?". I confirmed that I had and that it was merrily pecking away in one of my runs. She then went on to regale me with an unnecessary narrative of how distraught her daughter would be if the bird could not be found.**

I then threw her a curve ball by suggesting that she came back when it was dark as it would be far easier to retrieve the roosting bird from the coop than to chase it up and down the run. She showed signs of  a visible mental hiccup as she assimilated this suggestion,  agreed to my plan and departed.

As I returned to my desk I considered the fact that from her perspective it might have looked a little odd that I was not prepared to instantly return the abscondee to her less than perfect care. However she was obviously unaware that I have a fucking job of work to do and have far better things to do that run around after middle-aged women and their errant poultry problems.

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* actually there were two of them but one of them remained silent and looked as if she really didn't want to be there.
** I did what any man would do here and tuned 80% 90% 95% of this wittering out and waited for a gap where I was expected to insert a vague non-committal response.

Receiving stolen goods?

This morning I was sat at the desk mulling over various tasks and how to progress them effectively with as little personal effort as possible when I heard a knock at the door. "Ah" I thought "that must be the upholstery hide that 30% has ordered for the dining room chairs". I rushed to the door, fighting my way past two barking poodles, and found a middle aged lady stood on the step. With a keen eye I took in the lack of large parcel or stylus and electronic pad and quickly came to the conclusion that she was no Delivery Driver.

Her next question took me aback slightly; "Do you keep chickens?" she asked. I replied in the affirmative and she then advised that she had found one in her garden and from her non-expert description I decided that it could be one of our Marans. I grabbed a pair of shoes and followed her down the road passing the time of day. As we walked I started to think that this was a bloody long way for one of my birds to have strayed. Your average chicken is not generally an adventurous creature. Provided that there is food and water, a place to lay eggs and decent accommodation they will come home to roost each and every night. The phrase coming home to roost is perfectly true of Galliforme behaviour. To have reached this lady's garden this bird would have needed to cross at least eight or ten gardens and a couple of estate roads. I kept my concerns to myself and chattered away ...

... eventually we reached her house and I was shown through to the garden. There on the patio, pecking at scraps of red pepper, was a Maran hen. With a turn of speed that surprised the owner, I had the hen captured and tucked under one arm. As I was walking through the house saying thank you and so forth the hen shifted in my grip and splayed one wing and it was at that point that I noticed that it's wings had been clipped. I pointed this out to the owner along with the fact that this proved that the bird was most definitely not one of mine. She advised that if I was happy to take it she was happy to see it go so I left ensuring that she was aware that I now labelled her as some dark, nefarious trafficker in stolen poultry.

As for the hen, it is now in the run with our dozen legitimate pullets getting itself on the outside of as many layers pellets as it can stuff in to it's crop. I made a note of her address and mentally considered dropping off half a dozen eggs as a thank you. Mind you, if the bugger doesn't lay, I also know where to take the damned thing back.

A suggestion?

I rarely make reference to happenings deemed  newsworthy as there are plenty of real and virtual pages covering them but today was a slow day so I have a suggestion for UK food producers ...

... have a chat with your packaging company of choice and get two extra stickers produced; one saying 25% off and the other stating may contain horse meat.

Problem solved.

Going nowhere fast

I checked out of my hotel and was in the Office bright and early this morning.  As with yesterday, I bumped in to one of my colleagues on arrival and we settled to clear accumulated emails before today's meeting. During our conversations it became apparent that the sessions planned for Thursday and Friday were only 2 hours in duration. We both agreed that this did not warrant me staying in London for another two days and that a conference line should be made available for me to dial in to. I was delighted to not have to use Dante's God awful booking system to locate a hotel for tonight and looked forward to being at home, however late in the evening that might be.

Today's sessions were slightly more relevant to my role but it was apparent that there is a significant gulf between Dante's view of when the new Agreement will sign and the client's time line. Our Sales Guys want this done and dusted by the end of March but the Client doesn't expect to have a clear statement on requirements for two or three weeks at least.* These requirements are key to finalising my work and if I was to make a bet I would say that a late April signing is going to be challenging enough.

The workshop finally folded mid afternoon and by half past four I was Oxford bound on a commuter filled train. I had escaped any official actions from the workshops but had a personal list of activities and enquiries I needed to progress.

 At the moment there is a distinct lack of clarity on this project. Everywhere I look I see misunderstanding and contradiction.  I also hear a lot of waffle but no-one appears to actually be creating targets or objectives and steering this in the right direction.

This badly needs some focus and planning.

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* and, if you ask me, that is bloody optimistic

Why am I here?

As intimated yesterday, it was an early start this morning. It was probably worse* for 30% as she had kindly volunteered to drop me off at the station and was therefore hauling her arse out of bed for no personal gain.

I managed to catch some sleep on the train down to Paddington and crossed the city without delay. At around nine thirty I walked in through the electronic security barriers at one of Dante's principal Circles of Hell and found myself  face to face with the Imps, Daemons and Clients** I was there to meet... Perfect Timing.

Let's forget sequential event recording here and drop back to the end of last week. There was an extreme lack of clarity over the need for me to be in London. The main driver for my attendance was a series of Client workshops held over four days and it was hoped, note  HOPED, that these meetings would clarify the changes they require to their service. There was no real detail on objectives or outputs beyond the first two days. The net result of this lack of clarity was that the Lead US Sales Exec had already declined to attend and I responded by reducing my hotel booking to a single night with the intention of taking stock on Tuesday ...

... I am so glad I did. Today's meeting was attended by more than a dozen senior client and Dante's managers and executives and featured the standard, unimpressive, corporate sandwiches and nibbles. The hourly cost of the attendees must have been colossal and was inversely proportional to the output of the session. It most definitely did not identify required changes to the service and was actually a mothers' meeting of uninformed individuals recounting half truths over historic service issues. At the end of the day not one actual action or direction had been set to address any of the problems. It had just been a lot of hot air. It became apparent during the meeting that the Client Team had no knowledge of the what they had procured and expected a completely different range of services to be delivered. To use an analogy they had bought a boat and were now wondering why they couldn't use it to drive in luxury from London to Birmingham in two hours. Dante's weren't getting away from the session without criticism either. It was apparent that they had made no effort in educating the client in what they had and, more importantly, hadn't procured and also had made no effort to assist the customer in rectifying the gulf in expectations. During the day there were also intimations that the some of the individuals running the service had been derelict in their duties.

I did my best to remain to attentive and, during breaks, to negotiate an escape route back to Worcestershire tomorrow evening. I have to report that, so far, I have made no significant progress but the hotel is fully booked for Tuesday night ...

... I am not yet sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

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* I may have mentioned before that she is NOT one of nature's Larks
** I suppose I should use an alias term for Clients and Customers. I can think of a particular word beginning with c that might suit