Wednesday 9th April

By five past eight we had breakfasted, checked out of the Thilanka and were walking through the Mango orchard towards the car.  

Pruned just like the apple and plum trees at home

Our first stop was a short walk from the Sigirya rock where Ajith had arranged for us to have an elephant ride. We mounted by means of a platform constructed in a conveniently placed tree and had a forty minute ride that took in a short section of forest and marshland as well as the road that leads towards the Lion Rock. 

30% and Me, in heavy disguise ***

The Mahout's assistant persuaded me to buy a bag of stubby bananas and, as we ambled along, our ride would reach up over its head for me to place a fruit between the finger like tips of its trunk. 

After post ride photos and bananas we left and headed for our next stop...

... After an hour or so of dodging Tuk-Tuks we arrived at an Ayurvedic Herb Garden and were given a guided walk around the plot. After seeing the plants that provide us with so many of the spices in our kitchen at home we were treated to an Ayurvedic head, shoulder and back massage before some "gentle" persuasion to buy some of the spices and oils from the garden shop. 

Nutmeg & Mace

We then had another session of weaving around Tuk-Tuks and trucks as we climbed up towards Kandy. Here we lunched and the spent longer than I would have chosen perusing sapphires at a Gem shop. Surprisingly 30% would not be persuaded by the prospect of beautiful multi carat orange sapphire being wrought into a fine pendant and we left without making a purchase …

... although the Gem Store manager did comment that the ring bought from Littleton auctions on Saturday would sell for ten times the price we had actually paid. 

It was the a short drive, or rather it would have been if Ajith hadn't got lost, to the Tamarind Gardens where we will spend the next two nights

The Tamarind Gardens is a ten acre working farm in a poor village where the main industry is dolomite mining. It has basic accommodation and allows tourists to spend some time living like a local and getting involved in local projects. The farm is owned by an ex UK civil servant of Sri Lankan origin and his wife, who is a Tea Planter's* Daughter. They are a delightfully quirky pair and have thrown themselves into this Eco tourism cum working dairy farm project. They are also involved in a local project to install water tanks for all of the local families so that they can make best use of an intermittent water supply**.

Sunrise at The Tamarind Gardens

We spent the remainder of the day getting to know them, eating a fine home cooked meal and sharing a few Lion beers. 

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* Don't be fooled by this job title as it is a masterpiece of understatement. The Tea Planter is actually the Estate Manager i.e. The guy who runs the plantation.

** the water tends to flow from the municipal system at around three in the morning and the locals have to stay awake, repeatedly trying the tap and then filling whatever is at hand when it eventually flows.
*** I am the front half

Monday 7th / Tuesday 8th April

After a kip on arrival at the Cinnamon Grand, 30% and I headed out into Columbo via the hotel coffee shop. Here I sampled a much needed double espresso and the Sri Lankan equivalent of a pork pie. Both were fantastic and refreshed we headed out for a walk around the city centre lake. It was nice to be doing something after being cooped up on an airliner for so long but it was not so energetic as to exhaust us. After taking in the sights, that included Pelicans and a Snake Charmer with a Cobra, we headed back to the hotel and dined at a nearby restaurant on some of the finest curry I have ever had.

After two days with little sleep we hit the sack early as we needed to be ready for our driver at eight o'clock on Tuesday morning ...

... Tuesday started with breakfast buffet worthy of a 5 star hotel. We then checked out and met Ajith in the lobby. 

We then had a four hour drive from Columbo out to Dambulla where we visited the the Golden Temple. This 1st Century BC Buddhist Temple is sited high on a hill and is reached by climbing many steps. It wa exhausting on the heat but the five temples were an incredible reward. They feature 150 statues of Buddha some of which are carved from the living rock of the hill. Each temple was originally an open cave beneath a rock over hang but have now had temple frontages built to enclose these once open caves. The interiors are magnificent and every rock wall and ceiling still bears the original 2000 year old art work and decoration. 

The Golden Temple, Dambulla

The Buddha, meditating

Ceiling detail at The Golden Temple

 After taking our fill we headed back down the hill to the welcome cool of the car. 

We then had a short drive to Sigiriya; The Lion Rock. This is a rock monolith that stand many hundreds of feet above the surrounding countryside. Back in the 5th Century the King laid out ornamental Water gardens within a moat at the foot of the rock. He then had stairways built to the summit where his palace complex was constructed. I am sorry to say that we only made it up as far as the lions paws which is about two thirds of the 1200 steps but it was absolutely pissing down with warm tropical rain and I had expected to be carried up as they did for the King fifteen hundred years ago. 

Sigiriya, from the surrounding plain

Fresco detail, Sigiriya

It was claimed there were originally 500 paintings

The Lion Gate, Sigiriya

We are now back at our hotel; The Thilanka Spa in Dambulla watching an amazing electrical storm light up the sky. 

Long Haul

Sunday 6th / Monday 7th April

On Sunday morning 30% and I breakfasted, completed our ablutions and carried our suitcases downstairs. 

I then spent forty minutes sealing the door ways in the Hall in preparation for Andy & Steve's visit tomorrow. I had to leave this job until just before we left for the airport because the Hall is the hub of the house and once sealed up dust tight* upstairs is inaccessible and moving around downstairs involves detours through the garden.

The Inglenook & Door to the Stairs

Note extensive use of Hardboard and Duct Tape
to protect the 18th Century Flagstones

Instructions for Andy & Steve

Once that final job was completed, we climbed into the car and headed over to Birmingham airport to catch our flight to Dubai. 

The flight was slightly delayed and we left Birmingham at 2.45. Six hours later we landed in Dubai (local time 11.45) and had a two hour wait for our connecting flight to Colombo. 

The Dubai to Colombo flight was only four hous in duration and we landed at eight thirty in the morning local time. 

It is fair to say that we are both pretty shattered after the journey and we had a worrying time at the luggage carousel when one of our bags was literally the last one out of the cargo hold. 

We were met at the airport by Ajith our driver and were soon being chauffeured through a palm filled landscape towards The Cinnamon Grand Hotel. 

After a couple of hours sleep we both felt marginally more human but it is fair to say that we won't be doing much today. 

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 * Hopefully!

We really ought to be packing

Saturday 5th April

Today is 30%'s birthday and we should either have been celebrating or throwing clothes into suitcases for tomorrow's flight. Instead we had a very long list to get through and had to hit the ground running ...

We were out of the house before nine o'clock to drop 30%'s Audi in at the garage where it's ABS sensor will be repaired while we are away. On the way home we dropped a box of items in at the local charity shop and then paid a visit to the vets where T&M had their booster shots and annual check up. 

We were back home by 9.15 and had already checked three items from the to do list. After a quick coffee it was time to divide our efforts ...

30% headed off to the hairdresser for extensive pre-vacation attention while I headed over to Littleton Auction Rooms to sit on a chair for a couple of hours ...

I ought to explain that we had popped over to the viewing yesterday and had been rather taken with a few lots and I was there to place a few bids.  We didn't start too well and I dropped out of the bidding for a Monk's Chair as it neared £200. Things looked a little better when a ring 30% rather liked was bought for a remarkable price. I then had a long wait for my next item so I settled down in Lot141 (rattan cane chair) and enjoyed a coffee, a bacon sandwich and the theatre of the auction room. 

After about an hour our next lot came up and I successfully acquired a pair of old monochrome prints for twenty five quid and it was then but a short wait until the main lot came up ...

It was a beautiful 17th Century inlaid oak coffer and it would have looked fantastic in the hall but I, along with the rest of the room, baulked at the starting price and it received no bids. I paid, collected my two lots and headed home. 

As 30% and I ate lunch I recounted my auction tales while she admired her new precious*. I had been appalled that this beautiful piece of furniture had been used as a seat and picnic site by Auction goers that didn't recognise the quality of the piece. To cut a long story short I rang the auctioneer and made a post auction offer of the price he had tried to start the bidding. A few minutes later my bid had been accepted and I was heading back into The Vale to collect a fine antique. 

By the time I got back it was mid afternoon and we had a short break with 30%'s parents who had arrived with birthday gifts and best wishes.

After they had departed it was time to. Drop T&M off at a local lady who will care for the while we are away before attending to the vital job of sealing up the doorways leading from the hall in an attemp to control the inevitable dust that will be produced when the plaster is removed next week. 

Whilst I did this 30% headed in to town for a few last minute items ... And a Chinese takeaway. 

We ate in front of the TV and then finally headed upstairs to pack. It had been a long and busy day, and perhaps not 30%'s ideal 50th but I am sure the next two weeks will make amends. 

---

* you need to say this in your best Gollum accent

Wrapping Things Up

Today was always going to be one hell of a day.

The first activity of the day, after essential refueling with strong, black coffee and toast with Marmite, was to take TP to school. Now it has been many, many months since I last did this and on this occasion it was not because he had missed the school bus ...

... today I took him in to school because there was no way on Earth he was going to manage to get two huge suitcases on to the Local Authority provided transport. The reason for the excess baggage was that today is the day that TP heads off to Zambia for an exchange visit*. The jammy little sod gets to visit Victoria Falls, head off in to Botswana for a short Safari as well as experiencing both town and village life in Zambia. He will get involved in projects in local schools and hospitals and it should be a fantastic experience for him.

As I bade him goodbye in the school car park I gave him some wise words to ponder; "Don't sleep with rabid Monkeys, Bats, Cats or Dogs and don't get bitten or scratched by a Prostitute. He can't go far wrong with quality advice like that.

Now don't be thinking that 30% and I are going to be pottering around The Pile with long faces, worrying about TP and the potential mishaps that could befall him in Deepest, Darkest Zambia ...

... Oh No! As soon as we had got his precise travel dates 30% was scouring the internet to find a holiday for us to celebrate our 50th Birthdays, mine was back in December and 30%'s is tomorrow. She has come up with an absolute cracker and at lunchtime on Sunday we will be boarding an Emirates Jet and heading off for ten days in Sri Lanka.

So it will come as no surprise that I am doing my best to wrap up my current set of projects and hand them over to the colleagues who will look after them while I am away. It is fair to say that one of them is a complete monster and I will be battling with it until the very last minute. Today has been spent preparing a slide deck for presentation to a couple of Assistant Vice Presidents with the aim of securing support to allow it to be finalised, priced and presented to the client.

Work has been incredibly busy for the past few months and there hasn't been as much leisure time as I would have liked either because as soon as Sri Lanka was booked 30% thought it would be a really good idea to get Andy & Steve in while we are away to "sort out the Hall" ...

It sounded so simple when she put it like that but the list of activities that needed to be completed was horrendous and meant that we first had to complete the Office refurbishment (plastering, carpentry and redecoration) so that the furniture in the hall could be restored to its proper home.

This has left the Hall just about empty and I could then lay a temporary floor to protect the Slate flags when the plaster rubble is cleared next week.

We have arranged for Andy & Steve to come in and strip out the room then 30%'s Dad will pop in and sort out a few electrical issues. Once he has finished he will contact A&S and they will return and re-plaster.

All being well, we will return from Holiday refreshed and the Hall, which is the final room to be refurbished, will be one huge step nearer completion.


... "All Being Well" ...

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* Yes that means that some poor unfortunate Zambian will get to experience the delights of The Pile and all of its joyful inhabitants at some point in 2015 when the return leg of the exchange takes place.

Ne'er cast a clout 'til the May be out

Hmmm!  As I prepared to take T&M out for a walk this morning I looked at my hat, hung on a door handle in the hall, and thought "it's April, I won't need that today" …

… so I rounded up the dogs, filled pockets with bags and treats and headed off around the Three Miler. I reached the top of the hill about a third of the way around the walk and felt a few drops of rain hit the top of my head, within a hundred yards it was pissing down. As a result I did a swift one eighty and headed back home.

Those Yokels knew what they were on about when they cobbled together these simple sayings. I wish I had paid more attention.

Oh, and I'm not dead.

Trudging Forward

Monday; the first day of week #2 and how did it go? ...

• I worked from home and successfully connected to the Piano Moving Systems
• I slogged my way through four hours of on-line training
• I finally managed to access the Expenses System after hassling a colleague in Finance for PC config instructions
• I managed to lock myself out of the e-mail application after carelessly misreading a login prompt (several times)
• I made a new friend in the Help Desk and regained access to e-mail
• I took receipt of my shiny new Blackberry Bold 9900* 
• I was assigned to shadow a project and set up an introductory call with the Project Lead

By the end of the day I was, once again, frustrated by

• the piecemeal approach to gaining systems access 
• the lack of consolidated New Starter guidance notes, and 
• the lack of progress, as yet, on gaining job specific knowledge and skills ...

I constructed a "to do" list and logged off. Fortunately a good walk around the Three Miler did much to remove the worst of my irritations...

... and Marauder and I enjoyed a few proper Blackberries.

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* This new 'phone looks great but is of absolutely no use until my Corporate Card arrives which will then allow me to contact the Neat & Tidy Piano Mover's UK Service Provider of choice and order a SIM card for the damned thing. (see comment above re piecemeal access to systems).

Weekend Round Up

This is going to be a short one as I have shit to do ...

Saturday morning involved an early walk around the Three Miler as rain yesterday evening meant I couldn't be arsed to take them for a walk after work. In the afternoon 30% and I headed in to Redditch where we completed a few errands including paying in the cheque from the Kennels to cover our vets fees after Tyson's stay there. I also picked up a headset from the Office Supply store as many of my work conversations, going forward, will be VOIP * rather than traditional Land Line.

Back at home 30% and I dragged a lamb carcass from the fridge and started the mammalian anatomy exam that results from buying one's meat in the whole. I should explain that I picked up the carcass from Kathy H-R yesterday evening and shoved it in one of our fridges out of the way overnight. It was supplied as  a loose selection of joints, chops and offal and the final task before freezing is to identify, pack and label the meat. I even got keen and boned the two breast joints before freezing which meant that T&M got some choice morsels and this cut has more recipe options when it emerges from the freezer in due course.

In the evening we collapsed in front of the TV and watched a couple of films before retiring to bed.

Sunday also started with an early walk around the Three Miler as rain and gales were forecast for later in the day. I then headed over to see Bad Man Senior and took along half a dozen eggs and a portion of Liver, Bacon and Onions.** BMS had been taking care of the end of season glut of tomatoes and gave me a portion of his home made tomato soup and a large bag of ripe tomatoes. Having exchanged produce we chatted and drank coffee before I headed over to the Rugby Club to collect TP from his Sunday morning training session.

We then lunched before I got busy in the kitchen and made a large batch of Pean and Ham soup. The great thing about the recipe I use it that it involves a 3 hour long simmer on the hob which gave me ample time for a Sunday afternoon snooze on the sofa.

The rest of the day was filled with pottering and odd jobs before we dined  and I prepared for week#2 at The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers.

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* VOIP: Voice over IP telephony
** BMS loves Liver and Bacon but SMS is not a fan. As a result it is rarely on BMS's menu so 30% always cooks him a portion whenever we have it.

Buy shares in Gillette

Well, I've made it to the end of the first week so I suppose it is time to spend a few minutes summarising week#1...

... I have met my new manager and am slowly acquiring the software and UserIds that I will need to do important things like claim expenses and fulfil my job function. This is a frustrating process for a number of reasons. Firstly these are tasks that only ever need to be done once. As a result they have been completed and long forgotten by my colleagues. Consequently it often involves a combination of questions, intranet searches and Help Desk calls to take each baby step forward. Secondly any request to the Help Desk or UserID request is an overnight job so each relatively simple task still takes a working day to progress. Finally I am acquiring generic knowledge rather than job specific know-how so have reached the end of the first week and have a laptop that is in reasonable shape but still have only the tiniest jot of knowledge about how to do my new job.

A shiny set of chisels does nothing to allay the concerns of an apprentice carpenter. He needs far more than that to knock out a reproduction Chippendale.

The rest of my time has been filled with on-line eduction courses to provide me with background information about my new client and the Piano Moving Services we provide to them. These have been OK, but there is only so much dry material delivered in a Dutch accent that I can absorb  before my attention wanders and I wonder whether I will have absorbed sufficient detail to pass the multiple choice exam at the end.

The final shock to my system is that I have shaved nearly every day this week* after working predominantly from home for the past ten years or more. The only day I wandered in to the office without having dragged a Mach3 around my chin was on dress down Friday when apparently the only attire not accepted is a Football Shirt. There is absolutely no chance of me breaking that rule but I plan on going in next week as the back end of a pantomime horse.

---

* This is probably more times than I shaved in the month of July

We meet at last

Wednesday started an hour earlier than it should have done as I needed to be down in The Capital at The London Depot to meet my new Boss. In my previous life I would have shaved the evening before to minimise the farting around in the dark hours before dawn but I even scraped a razor around my jaw this morning and attired myself in my smartest Business Casual.

The day was fine. Basically it allowed my Guv'nor to eyeball me, and me him,* and he seems to be a pragmatic and likeable chap. In between the plethora of calls and we had a few chats and started the building of a working relationship. Apparently the plan is for me to spend the next few days completing the various induction and education courses and I will then be assigned to shadow the completion of a project before I am assigned one of my own. This was obviously reassuring as I have, on previous occasions, just been thrown in the deep end with the a token lifeline of a couple of names to contact for guidance!

My day finished just after five and it was a quick journey around the Circle Line to Paddington where I was delighted to discover that the next train home left at ten to six. I was soon seated on the train and promptly fell asleep, waking in the vicinity of Oxford. As darkness returned my stop was announced and I disembarked at Evesham.

Within half an hour I found myself sat on the sofa getting myself on the outside of an enormous G&T and a healthy portion of 30%'s famous Sausage Sorrento.

---

*prior to today all of our contact had been by telephone

Quote of the Day

"He's been here twenty five minutes and has a new laptop, a new laptop bag, a corporate charge card AND has a Blackberry on order ... I've been here twenty five years and get sod all!

I think 30% uttered this in jest.

From this it can be deduced that my User ID and password have finally been set up and I spent much of today attempting to familiarise myself with the basic tools of the trade. The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers have a similar suite of Office Tools to Dante's Nine Circles of Hell but use different tool providers. As a result each and every tool has broadly similar functionality but delivers it in a slightly different way.

If I thought that driving a different car on the right hand side of the road two weeks ago required a brain reset this is an order of magnitude beyond that.

By the end of the day I had started to pick my way through the email and instant messaging systems and had even tracked down an individual that could provide me with the password for my corporate charge card application...

... Thus far I have only had to make two calls to the Help Desk!

Piano Moving for Beginners

TP came home last Thursday with a worried expression...

After his first couple of days in the Sixth Form he had decided that perhaps A-Level Maths wasn't for him and his teacher was neither supportive nor encouraging too. Personally I don't blame him so we had a chat and he decided that Geography was a better choice. TP made contact with the Geography Teacher, who was an absolute star. Over the weekend we had a number of 'phone calls with him and he even analysed TP's GCSE results to reassure TP that he had the capability to succeed with this choice. Maths was deleted from the timetable and Geography rushed in to take it's place.*

The net result is that TP needed to be at school at the crack of dawn  slightly earlier than usual this morning for his first Geography Field Trip. I therefore needed to rouse him at six thirty so that I could drive him to school by quarter to eight  in order to catch the coach for a day of River Studies.

I then turned the car around and returned home to collect 30% and T&M  and we headed in towards the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers Depot. The reason for taking T&M was that they had an appointment at the Dog Groomers and not, as I had hoped, that Piano Moving was a Dog Friendly Industry.**

There is not a lot to report about Day #1. Things were a little disorganised and there were long periods of inactivity but I am sure that the pace will quicken tomorrow. Basically an HR systems glitch meant that my User IDs and passwords were not available so, whilst a shiny new Dell Laptop was sat there waiting for me it, the final tweaks and personalisation could not be completed. My new manager has reassured me that things should be sorted by tomorrow but his advice was not to rush in at the crack of dawn.

The main observation I have following my first day as Shifter Junior is that renaming of the PC Guy's lair might be worth considering following the recent activities of Operation Yew Tree!

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* Music Technology may well need to be replaced by Computer Studies but TP doesn't seem concerned about this possible swap
** Everyone knows that no-one should walk beneath a suspended object and apparently a Baby Grand can do a lot of damage if it falls on you. ***
*** I understand that it wont look that good either

Weekend Round Up

So, I find myself sat a keyboard attempting to summarise the last few days of my holiday in advance of putting on the Brown Cotton Warehouse Coat as worn by all Piano Shifters. To be honest I haven't really done much and just enjoyed taking it easy  ...

The early part of Friday was spent hanging around at home waiting for a delivery that had failed to happen while we were away on holiday. The parcel eventually arrived late in the afternoon and I am now in possession of a Made to Measure shirt courtesy of M&S and I can report that it is fantastic. I have spent a lifetime in shirts that either strangulate me but fit my arms and body or fit nicely around the neck but look like I need to pump a huge amount of iron to develop a corresponding gorilla-like physique ... basically I am a short arse with a 16.5" neck. The new short fits perfectly and I could even go as far as wearing it trendily untucked* without it looking like a mini dress.

With the shirt tucked away in the wardrobe it was far too late to nip over to the Littleton Auction viewing as 30% had a clashing appointment. As we considered alternative uses of our time I noticed that my wallet wasn't where it should be and started to search likely alternative locations. I eventually gave up and started the process of cancelling bank and credit cards** when 30% located it on the floor beside the vegetable rack.*** Fortunately I had only cancelled my bank card and can survive on credit cards until the replacement arrives.

Friday evening saw us head in to Redditch to see Milton Jones at the Palace Theatre and I can report that it was a fine show but the repetitive one liners became hard work after a while, probably due to my Jet Lag. A change in the tempo and structure of the set would have made it seem less arduous. It was still a great evening and Milton gets a well earned 7/10. His Support Act; James Acaster also deserves a mention as a name to watch out for.

Moving on to Saturday; 30% and I rose early and headed over to Littleton for the viewing. After a swift wander round we realised that there were a limited number of lots and didn't even bother hanging around for a coffee and a bacon sandwich let along the start of the Sale. We were home well before lunchtime.

In the afternoon I took T&M for a walk before heading out to the garden and finally dismantling the trampoline; outgrown by TP. This is destined for the O&L residence where it is hoped that the O&L Juniors will spend may happy hours fighting over who pushed who and the fact that their turn was shorter than the other siblings ... Happy Days.

Our plan is to convert the freed up space in to an open fronted garage extension but there is much garden clearance, ground works and builder consultation to take place before that dream becomes a reality. However the space is the perfect location for a small garden incinerator and Boy do we have some materiel to feed in to it!

Impossible though it seems, Sunday was even less productive than Saturday and apart from delivering to and collecting TP from rugby Practice and walking the dogs I did very little, other than a few odd jobs and errands to avoid 30%'s ire ...

... I did also collate envelope of necessary documents prepared to hand to HR at The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers tomorrow morning.

---

* Perish the thought!
** whilst smugly congratulating myself for having the foresight to note down card numbers and cancellation 'phone numbers many years ago in case of this very situation
*** She did say that she thought something fell down when she was doing something there earlier in the day!

Stop Press

At little after midnight a cat's meow was heard as we settled down to sleep. 30% reached out in the dark and as her hand stroked the cat she was able to confirm that it had a tail. This meant one of three things ...

1) Eddy has miraculously regenerated his missing tail over the course of the last hour
2) The Ghost Cat* has certainly got a lot more confident, or
3) Bloody Noggin has finally decided to come home

The lights were turned on and a very noisy ginger and white cat started to perform circuits of the bed.

Hello Noggin.

---

* Ghost Cat is a VERY timid black cat that regularly haunts the house and garden. We know that it comes inside and helps itself to Noggin and Eddy's dinner and also sleeps on one of our sofa's but all we ever see is it's backside as it scarpers through the cat flap and it occasionally skulking in the garden.

Still No Sign of Noggin

Whilst we were away we left Village Idiot in charge of chickens and cats and he has done a fine job. All the hens are present and correct and he has thoughtfully taken away their eggs as he didn't want us to return from America and eat stale eggs by mistake.*

Eddy** was delighted by our homecoming and we cannot walk past him without him yowling at us to encourage us to pick him up. After scratching his ears for a few minutes he is satisfied and we put him down only for him to demand similar attention again no more than a quarter of an hour later.

Noggin, on the other hand, is conspicuous by his absence and 30% is already starting to fear the worst. Her first question after any period spent apart is "Have you seen Noggin?" and every opening of the cat flap has her sit bolt upright like a Meerkat only to be followed by a slightly disappointed "Oh Hello Eddy, go and find Noggin".

We have both independently scanned the road for signs of the worst possible scenario and are only slightly reassured by the lack of cat pancakes. We have also chatted to Neighbours and they too report minimal sightings but also no road mortalities.

I guess we have to just sit and wait.

The rest of the day has been spent in post holiday activities. I can report that the washing mountain is now a molehill and that the store cupboard and worryingly low gin stocks have now been replenished courtesy of 30%. I have mown the lawn, exercised T&M and also had a hair cut in preparation for next Monday.

It is fair to say that today has been taken at a leisurely pace and has had a constant unspoken concern about the bloody cat.

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* VI assumes "scrumping rights" when taking care of livestock and gardens. Actually I should point out that this is written for comic effect and he was told to take the eggs as the last thing we wanted was to return to an egg mountain. Mind You, he frequently turns up with Rhubarb over the course of the Summer and I know he hasn't got any growing in his garden!
** Eddy Percent; our three legged, tailless cat ... say it aloud

Back Home

The final two days of our holiday were spent heading back from the Finger Lakes region towards Newark. We spent Monday night in a town called New Windsor. The reason for selecting this fairly anonymous location was it's proximity to a large Discount Designer Retail Park so we spent Labour Day evening shopping. It was absolutely crammed and also gave us a massive attack of Deja Vu ...

... Basically it was a larger version of the retail outlet at Bicester Village in the UK.  "Ah" I hear you say " You are just drawing a loose comparison there". Well No, Woodbury Common Premium Outlets was EXACTLY like Bicester Village right down to the layout and architecture. The only difference was that Woodbury was about four time the size of the UK equivalent. I am guessing that the same company is behind both outlets.

As for the shopping, I can report that our first impression wasn't particularly positive but that didn't stop us taking a second look on Tuesday when things were much quieter. We ended up spending a few more dollars and came away with a few "must have" items including a pair of Converse Baseball Boots for TP and a Thomas Pink shirt and a pair of cufflinks for me. 30% was frustrated not to be able to track down the hand bag that caught her eye on the previous day.

We then continued our drive back towards Newark Liberty Airport and boarded the 19.10 flight back to sunny Birmingham.

We arrived back to a fine day and first task was to take a very keen TP in to school for his first day in the Sixth Form. It was then a case of taking in more coffee* and doing the normal post holiday activities that involve emptying cases and repeated filling of the washing machine. By mid morning neither of us could wait any longer and we headed over to the kennels to collect T&M.

We were all delighted to see each other but I was concerned to note that the hair around Tyson's eyes was wet and matted and didn't look at all good. When I enquired about how long her eyes had been running I got very vague responses from the Kennel Girls and the owner and this left me feeling somewhat concerned about the level of care the dogs had received.

To cut a long story short I took Tyson up to the Vets on Wednesday evening and the diagnosis of conjunctivitis came as no surprise. I am now £55 worse off and Tyson is on antibiotics and eye drops for the next few days until the infection clears up. As for Marauder, she was just in desperate need of a bath, flea treatment and vast quantities of affection.

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* I got very little sleep on the flight back

I must be having a good day if I look under 21

Monday 1st September 

We started today with a drive in to Ithaca and a wander around the Farmers Market. It was held in a purpose built open sided barn at the edge of the lake and seemed to be incredibly popular with the local Middle Classes ... Pretty much like every other Farmers Market in the Western World. 

It had the usual array of organic vegetables and small scale agricultural output combined with "hand made" products and was a fine Sunday morning stroll. I have to say that the multi-coloured arrays of produce looked fantastic and I was amazed to see Cotswold Lamb and Belted Galloway Beef so far from their Counties of origin. 

After the market we drove a short distance to The Robert H Treman State Park and I can report that it was $7 well spent. Our first stop was the Lower Falls and these were only a short stroll from the car park. 

We then drove to the other end of the park where we walked just under a mile along the Rim Trail to view the Lucifer Falls. These were quite splendid and TP literally took the plunge and swam in the pool at the foot of the falls. 

Unfortunately our return via the Gorge Trail was not possible due to storm damage a month or so back so we had to retrace our steps along the Rim Trail which included 150 steps to ascend from the gorge to the rim!

It was mid afternoon And my breakfast waffle seemed a long time ago. Consequently we stopped off at Glenwood Pines for Ithaca's best burger ... I can report it came a close second to the one I ate in a Diner two days back and I will be filing a report with America's Trades Descriptions people shortly. 

Having eaten late in the afternoon we decided to go with a TV dinner; nuked in the motel room microwave and eaten in front of a film. The aforementioned Chinese meal was purchased from Wegmans Supermarket and this is where the title of this entry has a modicum of relevance ...

,,, 30% was desperate for a glass of cider so a bottle was selected and presented at the checkout desk. "I'm sorry Ma'am I can't serve you alcohol" was the reaction from the girl at the desk. I assumed it was because she was a minor and headed toward another desk with the bottle as she suggested ,,,

... We eventually managed to buy the cider after 30% had presented her driving licence AND a Supervisor had confirmed it's suitability as evidence of age. 

Now we may be wearing well but we are both in our 49th years and there is no way on earth that either of us is ever going to pass for a minor even with extensive cosmetic surgery. So why the fuck does a supermarket demand evidence of age from someone who is clearly not a minor?

Not impressed, not flattered, don't get it!

Taughannock Falls

Saturday 31st August 

This morning we headed out to Taughannock Falls for a second look. We drove out and parked up in a pull in up on the rim of the gorge. From there we walked the rim trail which, after a mile and a half, put us at the start of the Gorge Trail ...

... it was then a further mile or so to the foot of the falls. 

Apparently higher than Niagara 

The falls were splendid but the return hike was hard work with temperatures in the high eighties and humidity levels to match. We arrived back at the car somewhat wilted and were truly glad to turn the air con to max. 

After the falls hike we headed across town to check in to another motel and then filled the remainder of the day with some gentle shopping and dinner at a "Sports Bar". 

Crossing back over the Border

Friday 30th August 

Today we packed our cases and left Niagara Falls heading for Ithaca; home of Cornell University. 

One Last Look at The Falls

On this occasion the Sat Nav took us through downtown Niagara and it truly was like Blackpool. The part of town where we were staying looked quite restrained by comparison. 

We crossed the Rainbow Bridge back in to America and drove through the Immigration checkpoint in no time at all ... Usually I pick the slowest checkout queue at the Supermarket but this time I struck lucky!

It was then a drive of one hundred and sixty miles down towards Ithaca in The Finger Lakes region of New York State. 

As we neared our destination we took a brief detour to view the Taughannock Falls which plummet 215 feet in a gorge very close to town ... I'm guessing we may be taking a walk up to see them at close quarters tomorrow. 

After checking in to our motel we took a wander down in to Ithaca but I am afraid it didn't have a huge amount to offer. The central shopping district was filled with ethnic and craft stores ... All very nice, but not selling anything you would want to buy!

As we wandered home we nipped in to a Diner to escape the heat and humidity and seek rehydration. It was a Fab little place and, as we found out later that evening, it served amazing fast food.  

Lazy Day

Thursday 29th August 

Thursday had been designated a "chill day" by 30% which meant that there was no driving or other organised activities. 

We walked down river towards the American Falls but the humidity combined with temperatures in the high nineties was exhausting so we headed back to the air conditioned comfort of our room and took in the sights from there ...

... I may have had a brief kip. 

I also persuaded 30% to invest ten bucks to get a fist full of hotel wifi accounts and passwords and she spent the time wisely bragging on Facebook ...

... and also finding us accommodation in Ithaca for tomorrow. 

The evening was taken up with a pizza and a wander down to Horseshoe Falls to check out the night time illuminations. 

I quite liked Niagara. There is bugger all to see other than the falls but they are impressive and change depending on time of day and angle of view. It is many years too late to avoid development around the falls and on the Canadian side, at least, things could have been oh so much worse. Overall I'm glad I've seen them. I'm not sure I would come back but I'm glad I've seen 'em. 

Day 6: Binghamton to Niagara Falls

Wednesday 28th August

There is not a huge amount to report for today as most of it was spent in the car travelling 280 miles from Binghamton up to Niagara Falls. 

The forested hills and mountains that were the backdrop to yesterday's drive gave way to farming country and fields of maize and open sided barns filled with dairy cows took their place. 

In the afternoon an eagle eyed 30% spotted a Walmart from the freeway and we took a detour for this now mandated element of any US road trip ...

... An hour later we exited the store laden with jeans, T shirts and other sundry items. 

Back on the road we drove some more and in the mid afternoon arrived in Buffalo on the US side of the falls. This was the point that we learnt two things ...

.... 1) We DO have Canadian maps in our Sat Nav and 2) the aforementioned GPS unit appears to be set to direct us through the shittiest, most derelict part of any town ... Buffalo's steel works no longer work!

We looked out over Lake Erie as we drove towards the Canadian border and managed to persuade TP that it was no deeper than 2' 6" at any point. 

By four o'clock we were settled in our hotel room that has a fine view of both sets of falls. 

Later we took a walk along the park that leads right up to the edge of Horseshoe Falls before returning for dinner and an early night. 

It is fair to sy that I was shattered after the drive. 

Back on the road again

Tuesday 27th August 

After packing our cases we wandered around the block before settling once again in The Murray Hill Diner for breakfast. It was then a case of checking out and trundling our cases a few blocks West to Penn Street Station where we caught a train out to Newark Airport. 

We arrived around midday and headed over to the Avis office to pick up our car. After a few minutes familiarising myself with the Chevrolet, and realising that there  was nowhere to stick the Sat Nav suction cup bracket, we headed out of the conurbation towards Newburgh.  

The buildings and blocks were replaced by a landscape of rolling, forested hills with the occasional clapperboard house within sight of the road. 

Newburgh was about 75 miles from Newark and is home to the delightfully tacky Orange County Choppers that provided ten years of material for the American Chopper TV series. There was no sign of the disfunctional Teuttle family but the store cum showroom cum cafe was an interesting diversion and made a welcome break after an hour and a half on the road. 

After taking our fill of Choppers we hit the road again with the aim of reaching Binghamton, a further one hundred and twenty miles nearer our next scheduled stop at Niagara Falls. 

The road wound through the Catsgill Mountains with a view of forest to the horizon and an empty highway. This was in complete contrast to the city scenes experienced earlier in the day

As the afternoon progresses we played roadkill poker to fill the time. I made a good start with a raccoon and a porcupine but 30% managed to play a live deer that no one saw but her. She then went on to turn her single deer in to a pair when a doe crossed the road less than 75 yards ahead of us ... She was winning hands down. A discussion developed with the aim of formalising the rules of the game and TP announced that nothing could beat a dead bear ....

....  until I pointed out that a Full House comprised three dead bears and a mangled, blond teenage girl. 

This was much more fun than I-Spy. 

We eventually arrived in Binghamton at around seven, checked in to a motel and hinted down a Diner before collapsing in front of the TV. 

More Sightseeing

Monday 26th August

This morning we started walking uptown along Lexington and stopped off at a Deli for breakfast en route to Grand Central Station. 

We wandered around the station foyer for a while and TP and 30% found the Apple Store therein where they lingered fondling the electronic goodies. 

After exiting the station we continued up Lexington and within a short while the Radio City Music Hall sign could be seen up ahead. We had now reached our next destination; The Rockefeller Tower. The tower was built during The Depression and is famous for the photograph taken during construction of the Steel Riggers eating lunch on a girder hundreds of feet in the air. 

We checked out the shops on the basement level before purchasing our tickets for The Top of The Rock. The elevator ride to the 67th floor was a journey in itself as the elevator carriage had a glass ceiling and the shaft was studded with blue lights that accentuated the high speed ride to the top. 

The views over the city were fantastic and without the crush of fellow tourists that we experienced yesterday at the Empire State Building. The icing on the cake was that the view also included the aforementioned skyscraper. We wandered around the observatory platform and ascended a couple more floors to the uppermost deck where a 360 degree view of the city could be enjoyed. 

We felt neither crushed or hurried at the top of The Rockefeller Building and descended when a few drops of rain started to fall from a sky that threatened a downpour. 

We continued our walk uptown and stopped for a coffee in the foyer of The Nearest Circle of Hell in NYC before wandering on to The Central Park Zoo via the vast glass cube that is the Apple Store. 

The zoo was a relaxing break from the hustle of the city and we spent a couple of hours wandering around this petite menagerie. We saw most of the exhibits but I must admit that I am developing a theory based on the fact that neither the Harbour Seal nor the Polar Bear could be seen in their enclosures. A coincidence ... I think not!

After the zoo we wandered out of the park and headed for the nearest subway station wearied by our day in the city. Dinner was eaten close to our hotel as we were too tired to explore further. 

Sightseeing Essentials

Sunday 25th August 

This morning we breakfasted once again at the Murray Hill Diner before walking a few blocks West to board a subway train down to the Southernmost tip of Manhattan. 

We found ourselves at Battery Park where we took a ferry out to Liberty Island to view the Statue close up. 

After an enjoyable hour walking in the sun we headed back to Battery Park and took  return trip on the Staten Island Ferry ... it would have been rude not to as it is, after all, a free service. 

The afternoon saw u s take a stroll through the Financial District and we took in Wall Street and the famous bronze Bull Market statue amongst the many sights. Some of the older buildings in this area may not have the height of the newer towers of steel and glass but the y have an ornate grandeur that is simply stunning. 

We closed out our afternoon by walking out to the East River and partway across the Brooklyn Bridge before we turned around and rode the subway back up to 33rd Street. 

After dinner we walked a few blocks North and took in The Empire State Building. The view of New York's skyline from the 86th floor observation deck was incredible but it was incredibly busy up there with a constant crush of sightseers jostling to take in the city at night.  

So, after this busy day, how did I close things out? A few beers and a movie on TV? ...

... Well basically "yes", but there was also a brief session spent vigorously pumping  plunger in our hotel suite's lavatory ...

... Thanks TP

A walk in the park

Saturday 24th August 

As to be expected, I woke early this morning and loitered until TP and 30% entered the land of the living. Fortunately their body clocks were still on BST and neither of the slept too late. 

Shortly after eight we headed across the road to a nearby Deli for breakfast and a double espresso and a short stack with sausage set me up for the day.  

We then headed down in to the subway in an attempt to get uptown quickly and with minimum effort.* I think it is fair to say that our first trip was relatively successful in that we headed in the right direction but selection of an Express train rather than a local one meant that we somewhat overshot the 81st Street station and had to double back on ourselves. We eventually arrived at our destination have been treated to a peculiar piece of performance art involving two women having a very deep and meaningful argument for much of our journey. 

81st Street is the location of the American Museum of Natural History and we spent much of the day wandering through it's halls and exhibits. The high points were the dinosaur galleries and the live tropical frog exhibits both of which stood out in a museum that does nothing by half.**

We left the museum late in the afternoon and walked across the street and in to Central Park. Once in the park we walked in a roughly South Westerly direction taking in the sights and sounds as we headed back in the direction of Times Square. 

The park was exactly as it appears in every movie scene ever shot there. It was filled with New Yorkers and tourists enjoying this fine sunny day. People talked and walked, rode and rowed and played, occasionally in plaid, in this fine open space set within it's encircling range of concrete and steel mountains. 

Considering how much walking we had already done in the day we were incredibly keen on exiting the park and decided to walk back to the hotel ...

... It was only later that I realised that from 81st Street to East 34th is at least 50 Blocks!

We didn't walk far in search of dinner this evening. 

---

* overground transport is far from rapid due to traffic and pedestrian volumes

** by way of an example; the African mammals hall features eight mounted elephants as it's centrepiece 

A Letter from America

Friday 23rd August

We were out of bed shortly after five o'clock this morning as we needed to be at Birmingham by seven to check in for the 8.55 United Airlines flight to Newark. 

Seven or so hours later we emerged from US Customs and caught a shuttle bus to the Affinia Dumont Hotel at the junction of Lexington and East 34th Street. Our suite is up on the 17th floor and has views of the Chrysler Building only eight blocks away to the East. 

After dumping our bags we headed out and made out first tentative exploration of NYC. The Empire State Building is a couple of blocks West of our hotel and we passed it as we headed up towards Times Square. We dipped in and out of Stores as we wandered and Macy's was one of our stops. Jet lag and general tiredness started to kick in and we looped back via the Chrysler Building as we headed back towards our hotel. 

I feel that I should give my initial impression of New York City and basically it is a city, ignore the hype and that is exactly what it is; a city, no more, no less. I'm not saying I dislike it but it is just a large city with it's particular set of land marks and customs and I look forward to exploring it over the next few days. 

So far I can report that the hamburger I ate at a nondescript delicatessen was amazingly tasty and put British "gourmet"  burgers to shame, I was delighted to find 10 dollars on the sidewalk as I wandered the streets and ecstatic when I discovered that the local Deli sells Leffe Blond ...

... Belgian Lager and Summer in New York City, is there a better way to start a holiday. 

And I haven't even mentioned the topless  young lady I encountered in Times Square!

Life Events

Thursday 22nd August

Today was significant for both TP and me. In the case of my one and only son, it was GCSE results day, whilst in my case it was my last 
"working day" in The Nine Circles of Hell. 

The plan was for 30% to take TP in to school to collect his results whilst I loaded T & M in to the back of the Defender and took them over to the kennels where they will spend the next twelve days in the eccentric care of Chris and Yvonne. 

Theoretically both missions should have had the same duration so I was slightly concerned to return to an empty house. My mind went in to overdrive and I started to imagine worst case scenarios. Basically TP needed a minimum of B grades to allow him to enter the Sixth Form and study the A-level subjects of his choice. Unfortunately he had not bothered to develop a back- up plan so if he had failed to make the grades we had half a day to make alternative study arrangements.

I am delighted to say there was no need as they arrived home twenty minutes after me and reported a fine set of results with TP attaining his predicted grades in all of his subjects...

...so he will be studying maths, physics, chemistry and music technology when term starts in a couple of weeks. 

After sincere congratulations and 'phone calls to grand parents we lunched and then I headed over to The Nearest Circle of Hell to return my lap top and pass. 

Fortunately my manager was not able to make the trip to see me off in person and had tefloned this task to a far more pleasant manager. We chatted as he ticked off the various items on his check list and it became apparent that he thought my decision to leave was wise. We also learnt that we both worked for the Inland Revenue at the same time and that he managed the DCS Engineer who provided much of the on site support for the systems and infrastructure I managed in Nottingham back in the 1990's...

... It is a small world!

I finally left the Nine Circles of Hell after a farewell chat with Grand Dad Jack* and headed in to Redditch to collect the oven element. 

It will therefore come as no surprise to learn that I then spent half an hour sprawled on the kitchen floor putting the oven back together. 

The remainder of the day was predictable too as holiday preparations were completed ...

... We have an early morning flight out of Birmingham to New York tomorrow. 

---
*I will miss the old sod. 

I love it when a plan comes together ...

... unfortunately today it was a case of almost, but not quite !

A few weeks ago an element failed in one of our ovens and, from previous experience, I was aware that I was looking at a sum in the region of one hundred and twenty pounds to get a man out to fix it. For this expenditure all I would get was a new oven element installed and I thought I might be able to get better value for my money with a fairly simple plan.

I ordered the element from the cooker manufacturer and once I knew approximately when it would arrive I booked in a mobile cooker cleaning service to come and give the beast a damned good going over. My plan was simple; during the cooker cleaning the oven would be dismantled and cleaned and all I had to do was halt proceedings for five minutes whilst I installed the new element and Bob's your Uncle' I would have a sparkly and fully functioning cooker for about the same price I had been quoted to come and install a twenty quid element.

This morning a very nice Gentleman arrived at The Pile and spent a good four hours giving our range cooker a thorough valeting and was more than happy for me to interrupt proceedings to install the new element ...

...Unfortunately the morons that manufactured the cooker managed to dispatch the wrong element despite being provided with both model and serial numbers. A quick phone call ensured a replacement would be here in the next few days but I now have the internal components of one of our ovens forming an interesting art installation on the kitchen worktop until it arrives.

The Completer/Finisher in me wasn't happy with this state of affairs so I headed in to Redditch to see if the local Domestic Appliance Spares Shop had an element in stock ...

... "it'll be here tomorrow Mate" was the reply I received. I ordered it working on the principal that it is always useful to have a spare and this way the oven will be restored to full functionality before we head off for our Summer Holiday.

I'm guessing that tomorrow could be a very busy day what with packing, dropping T&M off at the kennels, collecting TP's GCSE results, returning my laptop to the nearest circle of hell AND fixing the cooker.

Other Stuff

TP arrived home after his few days away in Cornwall and we "christened" the pristine hob by cooking the puff ball that I foraged a couple of days ago. It was lovely sliced, coated with bread crumbs and pan fried in butter. We served the mushroom slices topped with fried eggs and accompanied by home cured bacon.

It was very much a home made supper.

On becoming the invisible man ...

The main activity on this morning's agenda was my Exit Interview with my manager. It came as no surprise that this was completed with a complete lack of flair and a minimum of interpersonal skills on his part and basically involved him reading items from his managerial checklist with the occasional pause for me to provide the appropriate confirmation.

After 15 minutes were were finished and I was somewhat taken aback to find myself formally placed on Garden Leave with clear instructions not to enter any of the Circles of Hell without prior permission from a Daemon. Neither was I allowed to have any "business contact" with any of my colleagues from that point forward. Within moments of my interview ending an email arrived in my inbox covering the terms of my Garden Leave and, with the exception of the final sentence which thanked me for my contribution , the rest of the letter read like I was under suspicion of committing the most heinous of crimes ... Fucking Charming!

I finished off a couple of final deliverables and took one final peep at my inbox. It was interesting to note that my Manager had cancelled my access to an application that allows remote access to my email. Under the terms of my Garden Leave I am to "remain available for [Dante's] to communicate with" so how the hell does that work? 

My manager cancelled my mobile phone* over a week ago and has now removed my ability to access e-mail from home. How the fuck am I supposed to make myself available for Dante's to communicate with? Perhaps I am to use this spare time to develop my telepathic powers!

I should point out that I need to meet up with another manager at the nearest Circle of Hell on Thursday to return my laptop and at present only know the time of the interview as a room number was missing from the invitation ...

... Looks like I had better brush up on the mind reading skills pronto!

Feeling slightly bruised by this unnecessarily brusque handling of my final couple of days I wandered away from the laptop and decided to do something else instead ...

... I crammed myself in to my leathers, hauled the Ducati from the garage and headed over to a Vehicle Bodywork Company in Bidford on Avon to get a quote for the repairs to my recently scuffed fairing panel. I had a lengthy chat with a much tattooed gentlemen who introduced himself as "Dagger" and it was agreed that I should leave the spray job until the beginning of Winter and then drop off the damaged panels for him to paint at his leisure. His estimate for this work was a very economical eighty quid.

I left Bidford and then headed over towards the Nearest Circle of Hell in the hope of persuading Grand Dad Jack to come out for a natter, as he had frequently expressed an interest in perusing my bike. It came as no surprise that GJ was away from his desk on one of his extended tea breaks and consequently he was not answering his 'phone.

I headed back home and after putting my bike away I took T&M for our usual walk around the Three Miler arriving home to find 30% putting the finishing touches to supper.

I'm really not sure how I feel about today.

---

* This is the 'phone that I bought but that he refuses to allow to be "unlocked' from Dante's preferred cell 'phone provider. I wonder how annoyed he would be to know that the handset is now unlocked and my new Sim card has been accepted. There are several ways to skin a cat.

Why are you carrying an Ostrich Egg?

As to be expected, things are very quiet as I walk towards the perimeter of the Nine Circles of Hell. Consequently my most significant deliverable this morning was a Bolognaise Sauce that was later piled on a heap of spaghetti for supper this evening.

As the morning petered out I took an early lunch and then headed over to the local DIY store to pick up a few bags of dry mix concrete. It was then a trundle over to BMS's residence where the aforementioned concrete was wetted and mixed before being applied to his drive to form a more gentle ramp in to his garage ...

... apparently his mobility scooter is the lowered suspension model and it bottoms out when he enters the garage at speed.

All being well, he should be able to make high speed departures once the concrete has set in a couple of days time.

The remainder of the day was as quiet as the morning. I had a brief kip on the sofa before heading out around the Three Miler with T&M. As I wandered along the lanes I saw a white, almost spherical shape in the verge and headed over for a closer inspection. I was delighted to find a fresh puffball mushroom and carefully pried it loose from the earth as they make good eating. I spent the remainder of the walk looking like I was carrying the spoils from an Ostrich nest raid.

30% and I are alone at present as TP is spending a few days in Cornwall with one of his friends but we were joined this evening by Sally the Upholsterer with the curtains for the dining room. We had a pleasant evening catching up on each others news although it would be fair to say that Sally has had a rough time recently.

Supervision Needed?

For the past few days 30% hasn't felt quite right and after a morning wandering around the shops in Worcester we returned home and she took to her bed. It soon became apparent that she had picked up a bug and I was left pretty much to my own devices with regard to catering and entertainment.

The entertainment was easily covered and I lost most of the afternoon to a hideously long snooze on the sofa. I then attempted to banish the post siesta drowsiness with a walk but rain drops started to fall from a leaden sky and the Three Miler was more accurately described as the Three Quarter Miler this evening.

I then needed to prepare "Dinner for One" and, after a wander around the kitchen, settled upon a omelette as eggs were in plentiful supply. Four eggs, a slice of ham and some cheese were rapidly formed in to a perfect omelette and a couple of chunks of crusty bread provided a perfect accompaniment to this sofa supper.

As I pondered the variety of sweet and savoury fillings that can be folded in to an omelette I wondered whether Marmite would work.

Is this what they mean by Garden Leave ?

I had one and one half days of annual leave to take before I emerge from the Nine Circles of Hell in to the blinding sunrise of a new job. Yesterday afternoon and all day today have been strategically booked to dissuade any of my colleagues or managers from attempting to give me anything to do. My logic is as follows ...

... No-one is going to expect anything much from me  in the last week, or rather 4 days, of my penury in Dante's Inferno. However, in my penultimate week, the Daemons might be less forgiving, so I have booked my remaining leave to minimise their opportunities for giving me work.*

Before I recount today's activities I probably need to fill in my activities over the past few weeks. Basically I decided to take Garden Leave whether Dante's liked it or not. My approach was as follows; I decided to perform the bare minimum that I assumed would avoid me being on the receiving end of any irritating complaints. This involved me dialling in to the early morning team call where I announced my presence. I then said nothing more unless I was asked a direct question. Needless to say, none were asked and my interpretation of this was that I was not required for the rest of the day and I metaphorically wandered off to do something far more interesting.***

Obviously I didn't have a Team Call today and, after a leisurely breakfast, I dealt with a few items of personal paperwork and accounting before heading over to Bad Man Senior's residence. The plan for today was to collect BMS, several lengths of timber and his decrepit garden gate. All being well the timber would get assembled to form a new gate and BMS and I would have a relatively relaxing day pottering in the garage with a leisurely lunch roughly around the mid point ...

... and that is exactly what we did. By four o'clock I was loading a new garden gate on to the Defender's roof rack and we headed back to the BMS residence where the gate dropped neatly on to the original hinge pins. After a swift cup of tea courtesy of SMS I attached the latch and bolt and the gate was as good as new.

All I need to do now is spend and hour or so tidying up the garage.

---

* According to their own "guidelines" I should be on Garden Leave but for reasons kept to themselves they seem content to leave me "working" ** on a Client Engagement.
** Snigger!
*** My lawn looks lovely and there is nothing better than an hour's kip on the sofa on a warm afternoon.

Where are we going to hang it?

Saturday started with a trip over to the picture framer to collect the small oil painting that we acquired at Littleton Auction a month ago. It looks fantastic now it has been framed and all we need to do now is decide on where to hang it.

After collecting the painting from Evesham we headed over to Redditch where 30% attended an eye test and I decided to refresh elements of my work wardrobe. After all, I suppose I had better look the part in view of the fact that any reputation I had means very little to my new employer.

We arrived home in time for lunch and then I have to admit both 30% and I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I awoke as the heat of the day started to wane and took T&M out for a circuit of the Three Miler. Upon my return it was time to tidy myself up as we had decided to sample the menu at one of the Pubs in the Village.

It is well over a year since we last visited this Hostelry and it has had troublesome times. Tenant after tenant has failed to make a viable business of it and in the past few months the freehold was finally sold. It has been purchased by a local couple and they have made a sound start on re-establishing the business. They have tidied up the entrance, designed a simple but elegant pub grub menu and appear to run it with a level of enthusiasm borne making a significant investment.

We had a good meal in pleasant surroundings and I took slight pleasure in noting that, as we left after our meal, The Bull's Head appeared to have significantly more trade than the other pub sat on the Village Green.

There are some Tossers about

At present the Engagement is in a phase of back-to-back telephone calls each and every day. The calls are to establish requirements and hopefully the client will actually decide not only what they want but also when they want it too.

"Now," I hear you ask "why would one be interested in attending these calls?" Initially I had the same thoughts; Why would I want and sit with a phone glued to my ear listening to material that had no real importance to me? Especially after the delightful prospect of Garden Leave lay shattered like a crystal glass impacting on a cold stone floor. These are all very good and valid points but the way I see it is as follows ...

... If I MUST continue to work on this deal then spending all day on a conference call is the least worst option. All I do is dial in, announce my name and say absolutely nothing for the remainder of the call. I leave the windbags at Dante's to fill each sixty minute slot with noise that I pay no heed.This leaves me time to have Instant Messenger conversations with friends and colleagues and explore and progress the activities I need to complete as part of my exit plan.*

After all, if I have spent seven hours of the day on a series of conference calls it would be churlish in the extreme to expect a significant output of work products in the same time frame.**

So that is how I propose to fill the remaining fourteen working days at Dante's. Actually this number has now been reduced to twelve and one half working days as my complete and utter bell-end of a manger has finally deigned to respond to my Exit Plan e-mail and it is fair to say that a couple of his responses have annoyed me somewhat but he did grudgingly confirm that my leave had been pro rated and that I had an extra day and a half to book.

First I had better explain that, after giving notice on Monday, I was advised that he needed forty eight hours to get things in motion. I felt that this period expired around midday on Wednesday and so was somewhat disappointed to hear nothing at all. After all, I am only going to resign from Dante's once while he, as a manager, should be expected to experience it on a number of occasions. *** I didn't know what processes should be taking place and was looking to him for guidance. Actually a formal acknowledgement of my resignation would have been polite and professional too.

In this information vacuum I started to work my way through my perceived set of exit actions and fired off a few e-mails to my manager with pertinent questions. All I got back was a holding reply which told me nothing. I then picked up on a conference call**** an utterance that suggested that my manager was off work next week. I therefore sent him an e-mail asking for a formal response to my questions and nomination of a managerial deputy during his absence.

In response I got a snotty email that carried the absolute bare minimum of information and there was one answers that infuriated me ...

... I asked if I would be allowed to port my work mobile 'phone number when I left Dante's. I also asked if my 'phone bought by me through a company scheme could be unlocked thereby allowing me a wider choice of service providers after departure. I should say at this point that both of these requests are documented as permissible in the Leaving Dante's Checklist.

I was therefore somewhat taken aback when he replied advising that in the circumstances he was not prepared to authorise. Now I can grudgingly accept that he might decline porting my 'phone number as there could be a conflict of interest due to the relationship between Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers but I can see absolutely no reason for him not authorising the unlocking of my handset. The phone is my personal property and is restricted to a particular Service Provider because it was bought through a company scheme. There is no conflict of interest in allowing me a wider choice of mobile 'phone services in the future.

Basically he is either taking a dog in a manger attitude or just doesn't have the intellect to have understood what I am actually asking for.

Still, as they say, there are several ways to skin a cat and I am now in possession of the IMEI number that will allow me to choose any provider I like.

It is annoying about the number porting though.

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* There is probably a goodly chunk of cyberloafing too. That is a lovely turn of phrase
** Pot calling the Kettle Black? ... possibly
*** actually, the way things are looking, he could be doing it a lot more in the next few months
**** amazing that I was actually listening!

A Bleak Outlook for Some?

It is fair to say that my plans for a long Summer off work have come to naught and a managerial decision has been made that I will continue in my current role for the next two weeks; working alongside the chaps who will take over. I still don't get to escape then as I am required to hang around like some moth eaten chimp* in a supporting role until I finally emerge from the Circles of Hell on 22nd August.

Apparently a certain Idiot Manager has decided that my departure bears no significant risk** to the Engagement hence I am to stay in post. What this really means is that Dante's is critically short of people following their recent cull of personnel and basically they haven't got a pot to piss in when it comes to resourcing. It is a very strange place to be working at present and it is not only the cull that is impacting staffing. A number of key managers are moving on and then there are the occasional voluntary departures like mine.

Now the news that I am leaving is out in the open a number of colleagues have commented that I am doing the right thing and have intimated, some more openly than others, that they, or people they know, are thinking about doing the same. A discussion with a manager revealed that he had lost over 22 people in the cull. Each and everyone of them had gone on to find a new role with an increased salary. One of them achieved a 100% pay rise. I asked him if he had managed to retain a critical mass to allow him to continue delivering his function. He looked me in the eye and simply said "I am fucked".

So what of the future at the Nine Circles of Hell? I don't know but I do know that they are in for some interesting times over the next few months. The current climate and environment is doing a fantastic job in increasing my certainty that changing my job was the right thing to do. People are leaving, the Sales Pipeline has reduced to a trickle of stagnant waste, the Industry is changing and there is no clear direction from the Senior Daemons on how The Nine Circles of Hell will respond.

So, I suppose the question is how am I going to fill my last three weeks at Dante's? I am attempting to limit my rock pushing activities to the traditional nine 'til five and ensure that my Exit Plan activities take precedence. I managed to take up almost all of a working day yesterday with the setting up of my replacement lap top ...

... I have fifteen working days to go and still have one and a half days of holiday to build in to that.

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* and that is exactly what I propose to do. I will sit there with a look of disdain on my face, picking things both real and imaginary from my pelt, examining each one in detail before either eating it or flicking it across the cage.
** so the fact that I have no sense of investment in, or ownership of, the engagement combined with the fact that it is very difficult to fill a leadership role when you won't actually be available to lead a force out on to the battlefield aren't seen as risks ... Hmmm ?