Let's just make shit up

Over the weekend my laptop had crashed and after booting it up this morning it smugly told me that some of it's files had become corrupted.* With this week's assignment due for completion by Wednesday I needed this like I needed a hole in the head.

I was pondering my assignment when Golfy, fully refreshed from his week away, pinged me. I did my best to dispel his post-vacation vigour by telling him tales of working woe, the shite assignment I need to complete and my hard disk issues. He then got his own back by insisting that I complete a CHKDSK with absolute urgency. Apparently if I failed to do this immediately the entire internet would dissolve or something like that.

I stupidly followed his instructions and learnt the following a) a CHKDSK takes the best part of ninety minutes on my laptop and I can do nothing while this is happening and b) a "percent" is a variable unit of measurement...

... as I was frantically watching my laptop's hour and a half of introspection and self examination my mind was considering the huge amount of work I had to do and how removing two hours from my working day was really not helping move things along. It was during my vigil that I did what any Estimator would do and tried to determine the duration of the CHKDSK by gauging the duration of each percentage increment. This is when I noticed that the seventh percentage increment appeared to take 4 minutes and the ninth appeared to take 30 seconds.

Now I know from my maths O-Level that a percentage increment is a non variable so I just wondered what on earth my laptop is actually displaying because a cheerful "This is going to take forever" message would have far more value than some new form of maths where there are 100 percentage units but they are all different sizes.**

I finally took back ownership of my laptop a little before eleven o'clock and made a start on the task. Over the weekend I had mulled it over and had a few ideas about how to rough out some estimated costs. The bulk of the day was filled with this and St Golfy the Pale was my salvation by providing some much needed and very welcome assistance with summarising baselines and estimating virtual server environment costs.

By the end of the working day I was able to chuck a 60% complete estimate over to the Sales Team for them to ponder***.

After a day like that I don't tend to do much after work but the dogs did get walked and more paint did get removed from the woodwork in the Dining Room.

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* I don't understand how this happened as I never browse porn on the work laptop.
** This suggests that Microsoft Programmers belong to the "I'll split this pie in half and I will have the big half" school of mathematics
*** imagine a very low wattage light bulb flickering as it's 4 volt power source dies.

Day of Rest ... allegedly

Sunday started a little before nine with me turning on the coffee machine and liberating a flock of disgruntled chickens from their coop. I had barely got back inside the house when the 'phone rang and it was David from Marden wanting to make arrangements to come and pick up his eBay bargains. Eleven o'clock was agreed and I then made contact with the first cup of coffee of the day.

Next item on the list was to rouse TP from his pit as he was off to Rugby training... I eventually cajoled him in to the car, delivered him to the Club House and then returned to deal with David from Marden. He was a nice enough chap and we soon had the stuff loaded in to his car and his wallet was suitably lightened. I then did the compulsory dog walk before lunch,

My plan for the afternoon was a kip on the sofa but, for unexplained reasons, sleep just didn't happen so T&M were rounded up and given a long overdue clip. They will be getting a professional cut before we go away on holiday so mine will suffice until then.

Trish and family called around for a coffee and a natter late in the afternoon and we finalised the arrangements for the Qatar trip. I appear to have volunteered myself to take them all down to Heathrow late in the evening of 22nd July.

With Dinner on the Horizon I finished my day stripping paint from the frame of the French Doors in the Dining Room.

I may have had a busy weekend but a weekend of work is far more attractive than the task that awaits me tomorrow.

First List, Last Item

Saturday's first task was one of a semi-legal nature ... As TP is off to Qatar with family friends we thought it might be a good idea for him and them to travel with some form of documentation that confirmed that she was a trusted friend rather than a abductor or child slave trafficker. After a quick trawl through the internet I managed to find what I needed and, as TP was spending the day with his Mum, this morning was the ideal opportunity to get the thing signed in front of a witness.

That done, I then popped in to Redditch to pick up a few DIY sundries. All was going so well until I asked for a chimney cowl* and the chap in the Builders Merchant refused to sell one to me quoting vague "Regulations". The net result of this interaction with this Jobsworth idiot is that I then had to trawl around the Redditch Ring Road to a Supplier who knew what they were talking about and who were quite happy to relieve me of "£32 plus the VAT mate".

Back at home I made a start on the main objective of the day which was to repair the noses of two of the stairs. Over the past couple of hundred years foot traffic has taken it's toll and the rounded, protruding lip of some of the treads has deteriorated.  These need to be fixed before the carpet can be laid so I set to with jigsaw, chisels, router and oak and cut out the old and replaced with new.

That completed the rest of the day was free so it was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M and then a short snooze on the sofa before Dinner.

Normally the evening would be a routine, TV facing slump but our two eBay auctions were ending tonight and I can report that the best part of half a Monkey** will be making it's way in to my Paypal account shortly.

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* One of the chimneys at The Pile needs a cowl to prevent rain ingress and 30% seems to have developed an irrational fear of Magpies and Squirrels and had insisted that we put one on the Log Burner chimney to stop them coming down and taking it apart ... or something like that. I just said "yes Dear"

** I'm not sure which half of the Monkey is the best part... maybe the top half ... I probably need to think about this some more.

Step Forward, Stand Down, Step Forward ...

... For Fucks Sake! I wish they would make their minds up.

The latest project is a piece of utter shit. It could actually be a quite interesting activity but the timescales are ludicrous and resources are minimal. I have been told that I am only allowed to give 50% of my time to it ...

... that is when I am actually allowed to work on it. As the title of today's entry suggests I have been told to get on with it, then told to stop and then told to get on with it again although the "word on the street" is that all of the Execs also think it is a piece of shit that isn't going anywhere. Right, that's me all fired up and keen to get on with it then.

Basically I have been asked to cook a half decent three course meal but am not allowed to use any chefs. The limit of my repertoire is toast and "boil-in-the-bag"* but the Sales Exec says that won't do and he really needs a good square meal steaming on the plate by next Wednesday. It is fair to say that whatever he gets on Wednesday there is a VERY strong chance that it will be "steaming". **

As a consequence much of my working day has been punctuated by the thought; "what the fuck am I going to do?"

Away from work Andy & Steve have finished the plastering in the Dining Room. The next job in there will be to lift the chipboard flooring so that we can get a good look at the state of the floor joists. The plan is to lay an oak floor but we have no idea how good or, more likely, bad the joists are and they will obviously need to be in good shape before we think about flooring.

Having said that, I will actually be back on the stair case this weekend as a couple of the stair noses need to be replaced before the carpet fitters can come and do their stuff

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* and managing a team of SMIs chefs
** Do I really have to explain this?

Impending Doom?

High point of today was a call from the Idiot Manager ... now anyone who has read my missives on "IM" will be picking themselves up from the floor after the use of the term "High Point" when describing any interaction with him. It appears that the powers that be have looked at my efforts over the past year and decided that a slight increase in Hunny rations is in order.* I thanked him and added that I looked forward to the hope of being able to afford meat once a month in the near future**.

Most of my day has been quite steady. I handed a piece of work back to a colleague who has returned from their hols and discussed a project that we are likely to be running together for the next few weeks. I then sat down and made a start on a significant quantity of on-line training that needs to be absorbed endured.***

All was going well until late in the day when I received a 'phone call from a Sales person I had never encountered before. She mentioned her name and then proceeded to spend 15 minutes rattling through a project that I needed to get on with as soon as possible. If I am honest I picked up less than 10% of what she said and I think it is fair to say it was as clear as mud. My feelings of despair were compounded by the fact that "IM" had mentioned a high likelihood of me being assigned to this so there was no way I could make a run for it. My name was definitely in the frame.

My feelings of gloom were further magnified at around seven in the evening when another work colleague rang to welcome me on board. His mutterings were slightly clearer and it appears they want a set of prices by the middle of next week with the aim of having final numbers at the end of the month. I carefully refrained from giving an opinion and advised that I would peruse the raft of e-mails that had suddenly appeared in my in-box. What I was actually thinking was "you have no fucking chance". I'm not being negative here. The voice of experience says that it takes a woman nine months to produce a baby. Nine women cannot do it in a month. The deliverables this chap has asked for cannot be produced in the timescales he has indicated especially when the requirements are vague and Subject Matter Idiots are very thin on the ground.

I therefore ended the conversation as quickly as possible as Bad Man Senior and Step Mum Sue are away on their holidays tomorrow and we had promised to pop over to deliver 60th Birthday cards for SMS and a hamper of goodies for them to take away with them.

On the Dining Room front Andy & Steve applied the finish coat of plaster to the ceiling and two of the walls  and will be back to finish tomorrow.

Overall today was a good day but the evening calls suggest a somewhat ominous future.

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* I won't be getting much fatter as a result
**  and perhaps we shall look at a picture of a turkey at Christmas
*** I now know that I can only endure the American pronunciation of the word "lever" for two PowerPoint slides before I want to meet the speaker and shake him warmly by the throat.****
**** it rhymes with "weaver" not "never"

It's not Rocket Science ...

... probably more like Domestic Science

On the work front I finally buckled down, completed my preliminary analysis of the latest project and wrote a lengthy e-mail asking for a huge amount of pretty fundamental information. Basically my colleagues in India appear to have chucked some numbers together with minimal input from Europe. The next phase of the project will be to provide a price open to acceptance and we are going to need something a whole lot more concrete than a "best guess" if we are to actually make any money on this deal. Fundamentally I do not have a lot of faith in the lead team's ability to estimate European costings and I also have a raft of questions about how their solution will actually work ... and don't get me started on how they will manage to resource it.

It is probably time for an analogy. I like analogies.* It is as though the Indian have told the client that they can provide a banquet and have provided both the menu and the price. What they haven't done is checked the price and availability of most of the ingredients or the availability of specialist chefs to cook them. If that wasn't enough they haven't actually specified what my kitchen team are required to cook.

Away from work the Dining Room is now boarded out and the bonding coat has been applied. Andy & Steve will be back in tomorrow to start the finishing coat. We also had the chimney sweep in to deal with the three most frequently used chimneys in the house.

As part of our ongoing clear out of "stuff" we have taken to advertising some of the surplus goods on eBay and one of these is a new Towel Radiator that we acquired a good while back due to total cock up by a DIY Chain. This was advertised last Saturday in an attempt to regain garage space and someone has actually bid on it. This was a joint cause for celebration as a) I get some space back in the garage and b) it had a £200 starting price ... Result!

On the subject of matters pecuniary, I also took a call from a Government Department this evening that has a special place in my heart on my hit list. It appears that they have reviewed my recent communications, made their enquiries and done their sums... I should be getting some good news in the next couple of weeks.

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* I have a strong suspicion that it is my brain's way of telling me that I have reached some sort of intellectual barrier.

Latest Projects

I found a modicum of motivation today and took a look at the next project I have been asked to run with. I think it is fair to say that there is nothing there to get particularly excited about. It looks like it will be an absolute pig to run with and even if we are successful there will be no glory in these parts ... in fact, if we do win it, it looks like it will be a nightmare to implement and deliver due to the way that it has been designed from a contractual perspective.

Oh well, at least it gives me something to get my teeth in to.

Away from work, Andy & Steve are here and preparing the Dining Room for plastering. All being well they will have the room boarded out by tomorrow and will be applying a skim on Thursday leaving Friday for finishing off and a couple of other minor jobs that need doing.

I also found half an hour to trim the cheeks from the pig's head and start the cure. It will take six or seven days to complete, needing a daily rub with the cure mixture. Early next week they will be washed and soaked for an hour and then hung for a further week before they are ready for consumption.

I am guessing that to many the idea of eating pig's cheeks may not seem that appetising but cured and diced they make fantastic lardons.

Free food

I forgot to mention that Kathy H-R called in yesterday morning to drop off a pigs head that was going spare after a recent kill. I had put the head in the cellar fridge without a glance and only late this afternoon found time to examine it ...

... The plan was to remove and cure the cheeks and roast the ears as a treat for T&M. As I started to review the two large bags I learnt two things; firstly the head was enormous and secondly it was still frozen and there was no way I would be making guanciale this evening. I also found that there was far more in the bag than the head and trotters. There were also a few ribs and a couple of other chunks of meat that also ended up in a roasting pan for the dogs. As for the head, that went back down to the cellar to thaw overnight and I set to grinding the spices for a batch of cure.

 It has been a slow day at work and Andy & Steve have been delayed by a day so they weren't around to distract me. The morning saw a trip in to school to have a chat with one of TP's teachers ... it was nothing major and can best be described as nipping something in the bud. Basically he had a good end of year report but a couple of comments indicated that he could do better with a little more focus and a little less chat.

As for work, that has been, shall we say, bemusing. I have recently been asked to provide some consultancy assistance to a pair of Sales Executives. In order to ensure cross-departmental funding they have to provide an activity code against which I book my time ... This they did and then, at the beginning of last week, they closed down the code and continued to ask questions and fill my time with the pondering of extremely vague, hypothetical, outsourcing scenarios. I have made a number of requests to reinstate the code to no avail and, as a consequence, seem to be having motivational issues.

The other reason for my bemusement is the activity they want me to perform. It appears that a fairly Senior Daemon in another Division of Dante's has made a commitment to the client that she will provide them with an indicative price for providing some services that are currently delivered from Germany ... so far so good ... the only slight problem is that She does not have the specifications for the infrastructure and, due to "political" reasons we are not able to approach the client for the necessary details.

Now a number of imps and gremlins have had a stab at guessing what the kit might look like but for all we know we are pricing a Bentley and the client has a Ford or vice versa.

Is it me?

Simply adorable

I crawled from bed a little before nine on Sunday and had a very gentle start to the day. 30% had planned a shopping trip in to Solihull and had agreed to drop a rather hung over TP off at Rugby Training leaving me with the morning to myself ...

... I reached for the hot air gun and finished stripping the door in to the Dining Room. I had just about finished by the time I needed to go and collect TP from the clubhouse. On our return there was still no sight of 30% so I made best use of the time and took T&M for a walk and arrived home to the smell of sausages cooking ... perfect timing.

After lunch 30% & TP disappeared for further shopping for his upcoming Qatar trip so the Dining Room door was removed from it's frame and taken outside to have the worst of the paint residue sanded. I had it back on it's hinges about fifteen minutes before TP & 30% returned.

The door will look great once it has been waxed but the interesting observation is the effect stripping it has had in the Hall. The Hall is the oldest part of the house and is peculiar in that it is South facing but manages to be quite a dark room. It's lack of light isn't helped by the fact that is is dominated by a number of cupboards and doors that have all been wood grained in a very dark, burnt umber colour. The door to the Dining Room was one of these and returning it to it's original pine really helps to lift the light levels in the Hall.

All Over the Place

Saturday started with a clear out of the tools in the Dining Room in preparation for plastering. I then really had to take T&M out for a walk as yesterday's torrential rain meant that we had not had a constitutional. To be honest the weather did not look too promising today either and the heavens opened before we reached the midway point. We all returned home thoroughly soaked.

Back home  and dried off it was time for lunch and then 30% and I took a drive out...

Stop 1 was to see Dave the Stripper and get a progress report on the Dresser Base. It should be completed and returned to us some time next week and after a wander around his workshop it looks like it will be accompanied by a set of 6 dining chairs too*.

Stop 2 was at Sally The Upholsterer's house where we dropped off the curtain material for the Landing, had a good long natter and warmed her up to the idea of reupholstering six Dining Chairs. This went down well and I can see another eBay session to find another hide as each chair will take an estimated 24" square**of leather.

Stop 3 was to see Trish ... Trish is the mum of one of TP's friends and has become a very good friend of ours over the past 5 years. Her husband; Andy works out in the Middle East and has recently started a contract in Qatar. The reason for the visit was that TP will be joining Trish, Nathan and sister; Abby when they visit Qatar for three weeks this Summer and we needed to provide passport details and so forth in order that flights could be booked.

We eventually got home from this marathon shopping/socialising session around six in the evening and whilst 30% made a start on supper I broke out the hot air gun and shave hook for a brief spell of paint stripping.

The evening involved much vegetation on the sofa whilst crimes were committed elsewhere ...

... Tyson was found to have helped herself to the remains of the quiche and TP returned from a party and didn't seem as steady on his feet as he should have been.

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* We also picked up a bed side cabinet but that came home in the car.
** I can also see a good few hours with furniture cleaner and wax polish as they are very grimy.

Ahead of the game

It doesn't require Rocket Scientist intellect to work out that I have had a number of tasks to complete this week, each of which being a "must do" before Andy & Steve arrive to plaster next Monday.

I can now report that these are all completed and A&S are welcome to come and hide my efforts beneath bonding and finish coats. I even managed to find time to hand strip one side of the door and, after sanding, it should look fantastic...

... All I need to do now is pick up my tools and give the room a sweep through.

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Other stuff

I got creative with the bread maker today too. This is a fab machine, that gets used regularly here at The Pile, and the "best of both" wholemeal/white flour loaf is a favourite for toast and sandwiches. Today I noticed a jar of chilli flakes on the worktop and remembered seeing a jar of sun-dried tomatoes too...

... tomato and chilli bread. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow.

The roof ladder also finally arrived for the Defender today so I'll be out bolting that on once the weather improves. I then stand a chance of being able to reach the roof rack.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crime. No. 11 in an occasional series.

Much of the Journal's content this week has been reporting the rewiring of the Dining Room. Today's entry is no different as I found myself atop a stepladder reconfiguring the ring main to connect the two sockets I re-sited yesterday. After an hour of making connections and checking and rechecking my work I went to the Switch Box and attempted to turn on the mains ...

... would it switch back on? Would it fuck! For some reason the trip switch would not allow power to be restored. Bollocks! After some head scratching and a lot of swearing I did the sensible thing and called 30%'s Dad. He is a retired electrician, amongst other things, and was quite happy to come over and give me a hand. While waiting for his arrival my annoyance turned to indignation and I started to recheck my work and then isolate each new circuit element in an attempt to find the problem. Within a few minutes I had discovered that the new spur was the problem and, once isolated, power was restored to the house ...

... just as 30%'s Dad arrived at the door.

He joined me in further analysis of the problem spur and noticed that a masonry nail securing the galvanised capping had nicked the cable insulation and was causing an earth leakage from the neutral wire. The location and absence of damage to the copper wire meant that some earth sheathing and insulation tape was an acceptable fix and rewiring the spur was unnecessary... phew.

Whilst this was going on Marauder had decided to find her own entertainment and, once the dust had settled, I wandered in to the lounge and noticed fragments of red plastic on the hearth rug. A quick search of the surrounding areas found the remnants of 30%'s watch ...

Can you fix it?

... oops.

More Elastic Trickery

Work continues to be quiet which means that my rewiring of the Dining Room can continue. I need to have it all finished before next Monday and I am glad that I have been able to make a start before the weekend. Today I managed to install a couple of double sockets that will replace a botched mess* on the wall by the fireplace. These are not yet wired in to the ring main but that will only take an hour or so when I next turn off the supply.

My investigations of the single socket near the door to the garden revealed that I am going to have to mortar in a couple of half bricks before I even think about chasing in a double socket box and re-routing the cables.

I must admit that I quite enjoy this type of work.

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* The ring main had been terminated in a junction box, that had been plastered over, half way down the wall. From that box a spur had been run to a "daisy chain" of two double sockets. The spur cabling had just been plastered over - no protective sheathing. The rectification involved relocating the sockets and restoring the ring main to one of them and establishing the other as a proper spur.

Elastic trickery

Tuesday was another quiet day and this lull gave me the time to nip in to B&Q to pick up a selection of electrical components. It also allowed me an early finish which meant that the switch and cabling for a picture light are now in place...

... and working.

Back at work for a rest ...

As I had hoped, today was quiet and I occupied myself tying up a few loose ends and crossing a few urgent items off a personal "to do" list.

30%'s parents paid a visit in the morning; carried out an electrical survey* of the Dining room and removed a box of eggs** in payment. I subsequently constructed a shopping list of electrical components and followed that up with a wander round the garage where I saved myself a fortune by tracking down 30 metres of 2.5mm cable and a couple of double socket boxes ... I still need to go to B&Q though***.

To be honest the day would have been better as a completely blank page in The Journal if it hadn't been for a wander around the Three Miler with T&M and a chance encounter with a mole near the Church. Firstly let me clarify that I am referring to the velvet furred, tunneling mammal rather than an Agent of espionage here...

... We were walking towards the church yard and I heard a scuffling noise. I looked down to see a mole quite happily rooting around in the leaf litter. He was quite oblivious to us and carried on for several minutes. As these little fellows are rarely seen above ground it was an interesting diversion to watch the mole equivalent of a fish out of water. Needless to say the soggy weather meant that I had left my camera at home.

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* 30%'s Dad
** 30%'s Mum
*** Sad Face :-(

My Shoulders Hurt

Sunday was taken at a slightly more relaxed pace. 30% took TP up to a rugby training session which involved a run in to the town centre to see the Olympic torch relay.* I loitered at home drinking coffee before taking T&M for a walk.

I then made a start on reviewing the state of the wiring in the Dining Room and can report that it is most definitely in need of updating and, in some cases, replacing. 30's Father was called upon to come and give a professional opinion and I will be giving him the guided tour tomorrow.

After lunch it was time for a run around the lawn with the Porn Mower and a short snooze on the sofa. I finished the day with a stripping session in the Dining Room.**

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* I see that TP is about as engaged as I am when he opined that the police escort and entourage was interesting but the Jimmy Saville look-a-like with the big fag lighter was rubbish.
** I made a start on the pine cupboard that utilises the void over the doorway.

Demolition

The skip is on the drive, dust sheets have been laid out in the rest of the house, TP and I are in our scruffiest clothes and are wearing a natty line in dust masks and eye protectors. There will be no more procrastination*. It is time to take down the Dining Room ceiling ...

...and that is how our day was filled; pulling down the Victorian era lath and plaster ceiling chunk by chunk followed by a forensic examination of the joists to remove any remaining nails. There was then a joyful couple of hours loading the debris in to a wheel barrow to be hauled and dumped in the aforementioned skip.

I think it is fair to say that by the end of the day we were both absolutely knackered.

Just as I was clearing up the last of the dust Steve appeared at the door to confirm that he and Andy would be here on the ninth. He was impressed by the state of the room and expressed surprise when he learnt that it had only taken us a day to prepare for the replastering.

Considering the age of this part of the house it is in good condition but a peculiarity of Victorian building techniques was that they would insert random blocks of wood in the inner face of an 8" wall.** There are a good few of these in this room and many of them have suffered the ravages of time. I believe the technical term for this is "rotten as fuck". Fortunately A&S are more than capable of chopping these out and replacing with bricks

All I need to do now is sort out the electrics before Andy & Steve turn up.

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* especially as Andy & Steve are booked in to come and re-plaster on 9th July
** presumably because they were available and less expensive than bricks

I haven't really been busy

I find myself in the latter half of Friday and note that The Journal is looking a little empty ...

... Well Tuesday and Wednesday were filled and I am using "filled" in the loosest sense of the word with preparation for a Client Meeting on Thursday and a series of on-line training / briefing / boring sessions that needed to be completed. I think it fair to say that these were not the most strenuous working days that I have ever encountered.

I finally reached Thursday, crammed myself in to my suit and trundled in to the Nearest Circle of Hell to meet up with the Sales executives that had arranged the client session. I must admit that I was having problems working out what the purpose of the session was and their suggestion that I just "chip in here and there" wasn't exactly clarifying matters either. A little before midday we set out for the meeting which was to be held in one of the slightly more civilised areas of the Black Country*. I must admit that I had a little fun at the expense of the Sales Exec as I had offered him a lift and left it until I opened the rear door of the Defender for him to work out that this was his ride to the Client's Office ...

... to be fair he took it really well.

We reached the Client's offices and were escorted in to a crummy conference room and spent the next three hours walking three fairly junior IT Managers through the basics of setting up an Outsourcing Agreement. I think it is fair to say that they were very naive and at one point appeared to be on the point of moving well in to the category of "shitting themselves". Reading between the lines it looks like their CIO has hired some hot shot Consultant and promised a humungous bonus if he can get rid of a load of cost in the next few months. The aforementioned Consultant is now breathing down the necks of the incumbent IT and Procurement Teams to get the  whole lot done for less.

To be honest the poor devils are floundering and we have offered some assistance to try to get the opportunity shaped so that it would suit us but some of the messages coming at in Thursday's session raised all sorts of alarms. Phrases like "mess for less" and "limited or zero growth" are not very likely to have me champing at the bit to get involved with this one further down the line.

And so I find myself at Friday ... this morning I took a trip down the M5 to sunny drizzly Weston-super-mare to pick up an eBay bargain. Last week I found a full length aluminium roof rack at an unbelievable price in the Global Flea Market. I watched it expecting it to soar in price but it just never happened and I now have a shiny piece of kit bolted to the roof at half the price I expected to pay.

We can now go on holiday without having to drag a Camping Trailer to South Wales.

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* If you have ever visited Tipton, Bilston or Walsall you might agree that Dudley and it's environs could possibly** be described as civilised
** I am using "civilised" in the loosest sense of the word

I hear dead people

I have a cordless 'phone at home. Now if I was typing this in the 1980's I might seem like some sort of early-adopter techno geek but here in 2012 it is an old-hat piece of technology in a world of smart 'phones and a population where a significant proportion no longer have a land line in their home.

OK, so where is this going? Well I have noticed that my cordless 'phone appears to be operating on an FM frequency that is very close to that of Radio 4. I use the 'phone a lot and first noticed it a good while back ... in the background there is a tinny, low level dialogue that is frustratingly just too quiet to identify. It was only when I picked up the unmistakable Archers theme tune one afternoon that I finally realised what the source was. Nowadays I am tuned in to it and can recognise the hourly time signal tones and snippets of voice and music.

Another explanation is that either my 'phone or me is somehow linked in to an alternate universe or plane of being. If that is the case and I am tuned in to the after life then I have gleaned some worry facts. Firstly there does not appear to be a naked Indian, with a gourd on his penis, acting as a Spirit Guide thereby denying me a lucrative career opportunity as a Medium.* The barely audible babble is not to be deciphered by a man wearing ochre and a member** of the Cucurbitaceae. I will not be making a mint by advising distraught relatives that recently departed Mam did want the house to go to Chanel and Tyler rather than let Dad sell it and invest in a dubious scheme involving a sure thing that will get 'em minted.


The other thing that is worrying me is that the after-life appears to be a bit Radio 4. Now I am a huge fan of Radio 4 but if, after shuffling off this mortal coil, I find that my atheist beliefs have been totally wrong and I am in fact to enter a higher plane of being the last thing I think I will need is The Today Programme, Woman's Hour, The Archers and Desert Island Disks. Great though they all are I would be hoping for something a little less terrestrial***

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* The cruel might say that I am most definitely not a Medium
** Did you see what I did there?
*** Some might describe it as the land of milk and honey. Hmm, if that is the case it is going to smell a bit after a few days and the wasps are going to be terrible.

Sunday in brief

There is not a huge amount to report for Sunday; a trip to the feed store was my first activity then I spent a couple of hours applying and polishing a coat of wax on the bannisters. This was my penultimate task on the Landing leaving just the replacement of a couple of stair nosings* before the carpet fitter can do his stuff. The afternoon involved a wander around the Three Miler and then very little else ...

... I see Monday approaching.

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* I have a ceiling to pull down first. These will be sorted in a couple of weeks time