Day Two of the "Jolly" ...
... although I was a mandated attendee at the workshop there was nothing here that demanded my presence. As a result I had a good part of the day to contemplate the joys of sitting in a cramped sterile room with bunch of humourless people. There is only so much surreptitious web browsing that one can perform before a sneaky question catches you unawares. Ooops!
My lack of involvement did allow me the opportunity to make arrangements for tomorrow's trip in to the heart of The Black Country ... Dudley here I come !
Fortunately the afternoon session finished a couple of hours early and I was home at a very reasonable half past five. This gave me enough time to change and walk the dogs before supper and the joys of one's own sofa.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
"Work" Shop
Tuesday morning found me standing on the platform of Redditch Station waiting to be whisked towards Nottingham. I was required to attend a Lessons Learned workshop for the large deal that we won last year and a couple of days in Nottingham seemed like a nice break from work ...
... the train took me in to New Street, Birmingham where I changed trains and then shuddered as I realised that I had chosen a carriage with a rather large and vociferous working class family.* Christ were they noisy and I really didn't fancy having my window gazing interrupted by their regular, noisy and inane eructions. Fortunately the Gods smiled down and caused a Goods Train to break down in the Burton on Trent area. This resulted in a diversion and most of the occupants including the loud family left to seek the replacement bus service. I therefore had a carriage virtually to myself and arrived in Nottingham only fifteen minutes later than expected.
The day went pretty much as expected. It was very much a "Jolly" and the few questions that were directed at me were easily handled. There were a few interruptions by my regular workload and it looks like I may be heading out to darkest Dudley on Thursday for some fun and games with a potential new client.
The evening saw the obligatory team meal at an Italian restaurant. It was a pleasant enough outing but a Tuesday night is not the best point in the week to pour several G&Ts down one's throat...
... I did, but refrained from ordering doubles in view of the fact that Friday is still far off in the distance.
... the train took me in to New Street, Birmingham where I changed trains and then shuddered as I realised that I had chosen a carriage with a rather large and vociferous working class family.* Christ were they noisy and I really didn't fancy having my window gazing interrupted by their regular, noisy and inane eructions. Fortunately the Gods smiled down and caused a Goods Train to break down in the Burton on Trent area. This resulted in a diversion and most of the occupants including the loud family left to seek the replacement bus service. I therefore had a carriage virtually to myself and arrived in Nottingham only fifteen minutes later than expected.
The day went pretty much as expected. It was very much a "Jolly" and the few questions that were directed at me were easily handled. There were a few interruptions by my regular workload and it looks like I may be heading out to darkest Dudley on Thursday for some fun and games with a potential new client.
The evening saw the obligatory team meal at an Italian restaurant. It was a pleasant enough outing but a Tuesday night is not the best point in the week to pour several G&Ts down one's throat...
... I did, but refrained from ordering doubles in view of the fact that Friday is still far off in the distance.
---
* the validity of the word "working" is highly debatable and "benefit claiming" is probably a much more accurate substitute.
Monday, 6 August 2012
The Indians perform as expected ...
Today I carried out an experiment to see if it is possible
to get out of bed minutes before eight o’clock, perform one’s ablutions, get suitably
attired and be at the Nearest Circle of Hell by nine … it isn’t.* One positive
outcome of this experiment is that I failed to dial in to the early morning call
with the Indian Team and therefore avoided listening to their waffly, shouty
bollocks, instead I was en route to work.
I had been informed that the Indian team would be providing us
with costs to review today and I had planned to link up with my new partner in
crime to peruse these over several cups of coffee. True to form the Indians failed
to provide anything and it now looks like it will be nearer the end of the week
before we have their numbers.
As a result I spent my time clearing as much as I could from
my inbox and was home by five o’clock. This allowed me to take T&M for a
ood walk around the Three Miler and arrive home in time for Dinner. A glass of
wine was presented with this …
… I am guessing that 30% has had “one of those days”
---
* The more astute will have realised that we didn’t set the
alarm and slept in.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Sunday; the day of rest.
I started with a trip out to pick up supplies as 30% had decided that we needed to combine a huge piece of pork and several packs of liver with a mountain of onions, a loaf of breadcrumbs and a mass of suet and seasonings ... yes, she had decided that we were going to make some faggots.*
I also needed to pick up a birthday card for Bad Man Senior and my simple trip to the Supermarket soon became a muti-shop, multi-town visit as I couldn't find a card that suited. An hour and a half later I eventually walked through the back door and was soon up to my elbows in raw meat ...
... This turned out to be a mammoth session and we ended up with more than seventy faggots portioned up in batches of six ready to be transferred to the freezer. By the time we had finished it was early afternoon and we then made a trip out to wish BMS a happy eightieth birthday.
A celebratory dinner** had taken place the previous week at the same venue that BMS and SMS had celebrated their wedding 25 years ago. It was something of a joint celebration as this year is SMS's 60th birthday, BMS's 80th and their Silver Wedding anniversary. It was therefore a much quieter "do" today and we just had tea and cake and a natter. We also managed to link BMS up with TP in Qatar via the wonders of FaceTime so TP could give his Birthday Greeting in person, so to speak.
---
* I have to say this every time in an attempt to avoid upsetting any of my American readers. Faggots are a British meatball made of minced pork, minced liver, onions, breadcrumbs and suet and are a tasty dish. They are not a disparaging reference to Homosexuals.** This was hosted by my two sisters. I was invited***but decided it was best for all if I declined.
*** grudgingly through gritted teeth and via BMS.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Another Saturday ...
... another Mission!
This morning 30% and I were in the car by nine thirty. We were headed over to Worcester to have a chat with Dave the Stripper about the cost of refinishing the two bookcases that we acquired last week. He thinks it will be in the region of £70 for each case and they will then be a perfect match for the ones we have already. It looks like I will be hitching up the trailer to drop them off in Worcester next Saturday.
On our return, hitching the trailer to the Land Rover was my next job as I needed to collect and deliver Bad Man Senior's "new" mobility scooter. This involved a short run over to Henley-in-Arden to collect The Beast and then a drive over to BMS's house to deliver it ... and, of course, take it for a quick test ride at full speed up the road.
I also collected BMS's Planer Thicknesser as he now needs his garage to house The Beast. The net result is that his workshop is being relocated, piecemeal to The Pile ... Thanks Dad. Unfortunately my garage is now so crammed that you couldn't swing a kitten let a lone a full sized cat and it will be that way for a while longer as the Dining Room furniture is taking much of the space.
It was finally time for a late lunch and then T&M were let loose on the Three Miler. I finally managed to get a snooze on the sofa late in the afternoon setting me up nicely for dinner and a movie evening with 30%.
This morning 30% and I were in the car by nine thirty. We were headed over to Worcester to have a chat with Dave the Stripper about the cost of refinishing the two bookcases that we acquired last week. He thinks it will be in the region of £70 for each case and they will then be a perfect match for the ones we have already. It looks like I will be hitching up the trailer to drop them off in Worcester next Saturday.
On our return, hitching the trailer to the Land Rover was my next job as I needed to collect and deliver Bad Man Senior's "new" mobility scooter. This involved a short run over to Henley-in-Arden to collect The Beast and then a drive over to BMS's house to deliver it ... and, of course, take it for a quick test ride at full speed up the road.
I also collected BMS's Planer Thicknesser as he now needs his garage to house The Beast. The net result is that his workshop is being relocated, piecemeal to The Pile ... Thanks Dad. Unfortunately my garage is now so crammed that you couldn't swing a kitten let a lone a full sized cat and it will be that way for a while longer as the Dining Room furniture is taking much of the space.
It was finally time for a late lunch and then T&M were let loose on the Three Miler. I finally managed to get a snooze on the sofa late in the afternoon setting me up nicely for dinner and a movie evening with 30%.
Friday, 3 August 2012
What a bunch of useless c .....
What does leadership mean to you? There are whole tomes on the subject and a number of different styles but fundamentally it all distills down to the action of heading up a team of individuals and ensuring that they complete a set activities. Now you can do this well, badly or Indian style and it is the latter that I have been experiencing this week.
One of my latest projects is being "lead" by an Indian team. They are responsible for the overall design and my role in this iteration of the project is to provide local consultancy. So far I have done my best to get an idea of what is going on and have attended calls and read relevant documentation. To be honest there seems to be very little that needs to be done in the UK other than provide career management for 30 or 40 individuals as everything else should be delivered from the chaps in Bangalore.
With these thoughts in mind I drafted an e-mail and requested clarification of scope and assumptions and patiently waited. I also ensured that the Indians were aware that they were developing the solution in this round and we were just here to provide advice and sanity check their numbers ...
... On this morning's call my patience finally gave out. I am fed up with the Indian method of leadership which appears to have the following tenets:-
At this point a member from the Indian team advised that he sent over a solution description this morning. The stupid fucker hadn't counted on the fact that I had taken time to review that pile of crap and was able to promptly respond that there wasn't a single reference to the UK in the entire fucking worksheet and it was therefore of no value to me at all.
At this point I stopped and watched the tumbleweed roll across the aural vista. Eventually the Senior Sales Executive gathered his thoughts* and suggested that the lead team were challenged by the short time frame and would soon be able to provide some clarity and that I shouldn't let their lack of delivery slow me down...
... That is a bit like telling a Fireman that they should let a lack of water slow down their extinguishing activities.
Fuckwits !
One of my latest projects is being "lead" by an Indian team. They are responsible for the overall design and my role in this iteration of the project is to provide local consultancy. So far I have done my best to get an idea of what is going on and have attended calls and read relevant documentation. To be honest there seems to be very little that needs to be done in the UK other than provide career management for 30 or 40 individuals as everything else should be delivered from the chaps in Bangalore.
With these thoughts in mind I drafted an e-mail and requested clarification of scope and assumptions and patiently waited. I also ensured that the Indians were aware that they were developing the solution in this round and we were just here to provide advice and sanity check their numbers ...
... On this morning's call my patience finally gave out. I am fed up with the Indian method of leadership which appears to have the following tenets:-
- Failing to provide any direction to the team
- Failing to answer relevant questions
- Ignoring clear statements of activity ownership
- Ignoring clear, expert direction on redeployment of personnel
- Making ridiculous and untested assumptions that are unworkable
At this point a member from the Indian team advised that he sent over a solution description this morning. The stupid fucker hadn't counted on the fact that I had taken time to review that pile of crap and was able to promptly respond that there wasn't a single reference to the UK in the entire fucking worksheet and it was therefore of no value to me at all.
At this point I stopped and watched the tumbleweed roll across the aural vista. Eventually the Senior Sales Executive gathered his thoughts* and suggested that the lead team were challenged by the short time frame and would soon be able to provide some clarity and that I shouldn't let their lack of delivery slow me down...
... That is a bit like telling a Fireman that they should let a lack of water slow down their extinguishing activities.
Fuckwits !
---
* that is never going to be a lengthy activity
Thursday, 2 August 2012
It rained today too ...
I appear to become a victim of my own success ...
... let me explain. A couple of weeks back I was asked to develop a rough estimate for some Business Development activities. It was a new approach because, for some reason I fail to comprehend, the Sales Team don't like using the tool that has been developed, honed and maintained by Dante's and instead would rather have an idiot from Worcestershire just make stuff up based on far less experience and far less source data.
They were so pleased with this less accurate figure that they have requested that I provide another team with similar support. At this point you might like to take a few moments to consider the psyche and intellect of Dante's Sales Team. I used to do this but now I try and avoid it as it leaves me confused and angry. I now just try to think of them as aged, brain damaged cats, snoozing on the sofa smelling of piss. If I keep this mental image in my head at all times I find that I can just about tolerate them.
So it appears that along with the Indians I now have the Cowboys to support too.
Away from work; we had the fitter in this morning to carpet the stairs and very nice they look too. I also managed to break away from the desk in the late afternoon to take T&M for a walk. All was going well until I was as far as I could possibly be from home...
... at that point the heavens opened and it poured down. We sheltered under a tree until the worst was over but it continued to rain all the way back to The Pile. I'm glad I had the foresight to take a hat and coat.
I just wish I had had the foresight to totally fuck up the last piece of work I did for the Business Development Team.
... let me explain. A couple of weeks back I was asked to develop a rough estimate for some Business Development activities. It was a new approach because, for some reason I fail to comprehend, the Sales Team don't like using the tool that has been developed, honed and maintained by Dante's and instead would rather have an idiot from Worcestershire just make stuff up based on far less experience and far less source data.
They were so pleased with this less accurate figure that they have requested that I provide another team with similar support. At this point you might like to take a few moments to consider the psyche and intellect of Dante's Sales Team. I used to do this but now I try and avoid it as it leaves me confused and angry. I now just try to think of them as aged, brain damaged cats, snoozing on the sofa smelling of piss. If I keep this mental image in my head at all times I find that I can just about tolerate them.
So it appears that along with the Indians I now have the Cowboys to support too.
Away from work; we had the fitter in this morning to carpet the stairs and very nice they look too. I also managed to break away from the desk in the late afternoon to take T&M for a walk. All was going well until I was as far as I could possibly be from home...
... at that point the heavens opened and it poured down. We sheltered under a tree until the worst was over but it continued to rain all the way back to The Pile. I'm glad I had the foresight to take a hat and coat.
I just wish I had had the foresight to totally fuck up the last piece of work I did for the Business Development Team.
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
It's not going to rain tonight.
Wednesday was spent clarifying the scope of the two shitty projects IM has passed to me. The first of these has been passed back to a colleague to progress. It has minimal scope and should be fairly straightforward. The other is being run by an Indian team and is a complete and utter mess. From a UK perspective there doesn't really appear to be a lot of UK scope and my value add was to construct a mail asking what they exactly expected to be delivered in the UK...
... it worries me that they can't actually describe their solution when, from the little I have seen it, appears that they need to get everything off-shored as soon as possible leaving little or nothing for the UK to do.
Ah well, as they say, I would get paid far, far less if there weren't so many problems to be handled.
I knocked off at a reasonable time this evening as a ride out was planned with Chippy Ian, Mick and Cheryl. By half past six I was fed and watered and heading over to Ian's house...
... We rode over to Evesham to meet up with Cheryl and Mick and then on to Broadway. From Broadway it was on to Winchcombe and I have to say that it's High Street never fails to delight me with its fantastic Cotswold Stone architecture. After Winchcombe we climbed up Cleve Hill and then dropped down though Prestbury in to Cheltenham. The views from Cleve Hill were fantastic but the sky was an ominous shade ahead and I had neglected to bring waterproofs.
Once on the other side of Cheltenham we headed out on the A435 towards Cirencester before cutting off the main road and in to the Village of Elkstone. As we travelled the last mile in to the Village the heavens opened and it absolutely poured down. At this point I should mention that this destination had been selected by Ian as he had to visit a client at the Rectory to see about some work so he was indoors chatting and drinking tea whilst we were seeking what ever shelter we could find from the deluge.
After ten minutes hunched miserably under a tree Ian was done and we decided that it was most definitely a case of "rain stopped play". We therefore had a frantic run down the A417 to the outskirts of Cirencester and popped in to a LittleChef Thief for a coffee and a break from the rain. After that it was the shortest route home which happened to be the A429 in to Stow-on-the-Wold and then the A424 and A44 back towards Evesham...
... twenty five minutes later I was wandering in through the door leaving a trail of drips on the floor.
... it worries me that they can't actually describe their solution when, from the little I have seen it, appears that they need to get everything off-shored as soon as possible leaving little or nothing for the UK to do.
Ah well, as they say, I would get paid far, far less if there weren't so many problems to be handled.
I knocked off at a reasonable time this evening as a ride out was planned with Chippy Ian, Mick and Cheryl. By half past six I was fed and watered and heading over to Ian's house...
... We rode over to Evesham to meet up with Cheryl and Mick and then on to Broadway. From Broadway it was on to Winchcombe and I have to say that it's High Street never fails to delight me with its fantastic Cotswold Stone architecture. After Winchcombe we climbed up Cleve Hill and then dropped down though Prestbury in to Cheltenham. The views from Cleve Hill were fantastic but the sky was an ominous shade ahead and I had neglected to bring waterproofs.
Once on the other side of Cheltenham we headed out on the A435 towards Cirencester before cutting off the main road and in to the Village of Elkstone. As we travelled the last mile in to the Village the heavens opened and it absolutely poured down. At this point I should mention that this destination had been selected by Ian as he had to visit a client at the Rectory to see about some work so he was indoors chatting and drinking tea whilst we were seeking what ever shelter we could find from the deluge.
After ten minutes hunched miserably under a tree Ian was done and we decided that it was most definitely a case of "rain stopped play". We therefore had a frantic run down the A417 to the outskirts of Cirencester and popped in to a Little
... twenty five minutes later I was wandering in through the door leaving a trail of drips on the floor.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Why Pies are good for you
It is a major "first" as today I have managed to write a Journal entry every day for a full month. I'm not saying that any of it is worth reading but I have managed to do it.
On the work front much of today was spent poking and prodding the two piles of shite that IM passed to me yesterday. Neither of them make a huge amount of sense from a transformed, integrated solution perspective and I spent much of the day persuading IM and the Sales Executive that there is little of any value for us and that we should leave as much of this to other teams...
... fortunately they agreed and my brief is just to keep an eye on things and make sure no-one does anything really stupid.
Golfy and I had a good natter today and we managed to work out that drink and pies are actually vital if one wants to avoid death. The logic behind this is as follows ...
... for the past few weeks I have been trying to shed a few pounds with a modicum of success. The approach taken is to cut out G&Ts and wine and avoid things like biscuits, bacon and pies. The net result has been a slow but steady reduction in weight. Now if I extrapolate this over time I will be totally non-existent in a little over 3 years, ergo drink, pies and biscuits are vital to sustaining life.
Taking this further we then started planning a wake for me and decided to hold it early so I could come along in person rather than in an open coffin. We then realised that if we put Booze and Pies on the Wake Buffet we stood a good chance of reversing this tragic hypothetical situation* ...
... I am cured.
On the work front much of today was spent poking and prodding the two piles of shite that IM passed to me yesterday. Neither of them make a huge amount of sense from a transformed, integrated solution perspective and I spent much of the day persuading IM and the Sales Executive that there is little of any value for us and that we should leave as much of this to other teams...
... fortunately they agreed and my brief is just to keep an eye on things and make sure no-one does anything really stupid.
Golfy and I had a good natter today and we managed to work out that drink and pies are actually vital if one wants to avoid death. The logic behind this is as follows ...
... for the past few weeks I have been trying to shed a few pounds with a modicum of success. The approach taken is to cut out G&Ts and wine and avoid things like biscuits, bacon and pies. The net result has been a slow but steady reduction in weight. Now if I extrapolate this over time I will be totally non-existent in a little over 3 years, ergo drink, pies and biscuits are vital to sustaining life.
Taking this further we then started planning a wake for me and decided to hold it early so I could come along in person rather than in an open coffin. We then realised that if we put Booze and Pies on the Wake Buffet we stood a good chance of reversing this tragic hypothetical situation* ...
... I am cured.
---
* I am now thinking about some experiments down in the lab and wondering whether embalming a dead mouse with rashers of streaky bacon would actually bring it back to life and, if it did, would it be a nice mouse or something a lot more "Stephen King"
Monday, 30 July 2012
Progress Report
Monday started with a call with the Idiot Manager where he imparted his mid year assessment of my performance. This was one of those unimaginative, stereotypical "What have you done well? What have you done not so well?" discussions and at the end of the call I was informed of the Management Teams current opinion...
... It is fair to say that I am quite happy with the assessment but, as they say, be careful what you wish for ...
... IM appears to like and trust me, and as a result, towards the end of the day he dumped two monumental piles of shit in my in-box and asked me to support them on an ill defined basis. Both of these projects have incredibly short time frames and scopes that are as clear as mud. My job appears to be to take a look and work out what we can or can't do.
Away from work, I finished lifting the Dining Room floor and started to consider our options for it's replacement. Chippy Ian is popping in later in the week to give us a professional opinion but our options appear to be to sort out the floor joists properly and lay a timber floor or pour in a concrete base and go with slate...
... A suspended timber floor is starting to look very expensive.
... It is fair to say that I am quite happy with the assessment but, as they say, be careful what you wish for ...
... IM appears to like and trust me, and as a result, towards the end of the day he dumped two monumental piles of shit in my in-box and asked me to support them on an ill defined basis. Both of these projects have incredibly short time frames and scopes that are as clear as mud. My job appears to be to take a look and work out what we can or can't do.
Away from work, I finished lifting the Dining Room floor and started to consider our options for it's replacement. Chippy Ian is popping in later in the week to give us a professional opinion but our options appear to be to sort out the floor joists properly and lay a timber floor or pour in a concrete base and go with slate...
... A suspended timber floor is starting to look very expensive.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
The trailer earns it's keep ... again
Sunday also started at a vile hour and five o'clock saw me shuffling around the kitchen in search of caffeine. 30% woke at a far more civilised nine o'clock and shortly thereafter we were called by the Seller of the two glazed bookcases we had won on eBay yesterday...
... 45 minutes later the trailer was hitched to the Land Rover and we were off down the M5 to Bath. The bookcases were an absolute steal and after a little light restoration will compliment the pair we already have.
We arrived home in time for a late lunch and, I have to be honest, after unloading the bookcases the lack of sleep took it's toll and I crashed on the sofa for a couple of hours.
I did very little for the rest of the day but over the weekend I did make a start on lifting the chipboard floor in the Dining Room...
... there are no bodies or anything nasty in sight just undersized, over spaced, floating joists. It was no wonder the floor had a bit of "bounce". It doesn't look too bad from my perspective but let's wait and see what Chippy Ian says when he calls in later on this week.
... 45 minutes later the trailer was hitched to the Land Rover and we were off down the M5 to Bath. The bookcases were an absolute steal and after a little light restoration will compliment the pair we already have.
We arrived home in time for a late lunch and, I have to be honest, after unloading the bookcases the lack of sleep took it's toll and I crashed on the sofa for a couple of hours.
I did very little for the rest of the day but over the weekend I did make a start on lifting the chipboard floor in the Dining Room...
... there are no bodies or anything nasty in sight just undersized, over spaced, floating joists. It was no wonder the floor had a bit of "bounce". It doesn't look too bad from my perspective but let's wait and see what Chippy Ian says when he calls in later on this week.
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Catching Up with the O&Ls
Saturday started at early o'clock due to hypoglycaemia issues. I awoke at around four in the morning with very low blood sugar (2.7) and after taking remedial action and then tossing and turning for forty five minutes decided to get up. I used a bucket of fresh coffee as a stimulant and TV as a time filler and eventually met up with 30% a little before nine.
We "divided and conquered" this morning with T&M being walked early and 30% taking a trip in to the supermarket. By midday the house was looking reasonably respectable and we were ready to receive our guests...
... The Oranges & Lemons Tribe arrived a little before one and we spent a long and leisurely afternoon talking and eating or, in the cases of O&L jnrs, talking, eating, playing with the dogs and drawing. We had a lovely time catching up on each other's news and simply nattering.
At the mid pint of the afternoon 30% remembered that a couple of eBay auctions she had been watching were coming to a close and I acted as her proxy bidder. A couple of very late bids were entered and it looks like we have a trip to Bath in the near future to collect a couple of very fine book cases.
We "divided and conquered" this morning with T&M being walked early and 30% taking a trip in to the supermarket. By midday the house was looking reasonably respectable and we were ready to receive our guests...
... The Oranges & Lemons Tribe arrived a little before one and we spent a long and leisurely afternoon talking and eating or, in the cases of O&L jnrs, talking, eating, playing with the dogs and drawing. We had a lovely time catching up on each other's news and simply nattering.
At the mid pint of the afternoon 30% remembered that a couple of eBay auctions she had been watching were coming to a close and I acted as her proxy bidder. A couple of very late bids were entered and it looks like we have a trip to Bath in the near future to collect a couple of very fine book cases.
Friday, 27 July 2012
Tidying Up
Friday started early as 30% was away for the day with her Dad driving trains on the Gloucester Warwickshire Railway to celebrate his 70th Birthday. Their early start gave me a huge amount of day to amuse myself in ...
... after a leisurely breakfast the sun was high enough to drive the dew from the lawn and the Porn Mower was coaxed in to life. After a couple of cuts I managed to restore order to the clippings strewn, ragged green chaos that had developed as a result of the recent wet weather.*
By the time I had finished lunch was only a little way off and, suitably replenished, I then dragged the Jet Washer from the garage and gave the Defender a good going over. As she sat dripping on the drive T&M got taken for a wander around the Three Miler.
Between these activities I also managed to find time to clean the multitudes of dead flies from my Helmet and Jacket after yesterday evening's run out on my bike.
30% returned home around six and we then drove over to Bad Man Senior's house for dinner. BMS and SMS have just returned from their holiday in Wales. This week away was a Wedding Anniversary / Birthday treat from us and they wanted to say thank you for the gift. Dinner was lovely and was accompanied by the mandatory trifle.
We then sat down to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony which, I think it is fair to say, we all found peculiar and generally incoherent. Parts of it were quite impressive, particularly the "forging of the Olympic rings" but overall it seemed to have an acid trip level of randomness and scenes such as the interweaving of the National Health Service piece with Children's Literature made about as much sense as roast beef with custard.
It just goes to show that if you make it big enough and add sparklers most people will clap anything.
... after a leisurely breakfast the sun was high enough to drive the dew from the lawn and the Porn Mower was coaxed in to life. After a couple of cuts I managed to restore order to the clippings strewn, ragged green chaos that had developed as a result of the recent wet weather.*
By the time I had finished lunch was only a little way off and, suitably replenished, I then dragged the Jet Washer from the garage and gave the Defender a good going over. As she sat dripping on the drive T&M got taken for a wander around the Three Miler.
Between these activities I also managed to find time to clean the multitudes of dead flies from my Helmet and Jacket after yesterday evening's run out on my bike.
30% returned home around six and we then drove over to Bad Man Senior's house for dinner. BMS and SMS have just returned from their holiday in Wales. This week away was a Wedding Anniversary / Birthday treat from us and they wanted to say thank you for the gift. Dinner was lovely and was accompanied by the mandatory trifle.
We then sat down to watch the Olympic Opening Ceremony which, I think it is fair to say, we all found peculiar and generally incoherent. Parts of it were quite impressive, particularly the "forging of the Olympic rings" but overall it seemed to have an acid trip level of randomness and scenes such as the interweaving of the National Health Service piece with Children's Literature made about as much sense as roast beef with custard.
It just goes to show that if you make it big enough and add sparklers most people will clap anything.
---
* The recent lack of unleaded in the petrol can didn't help matters much either
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Day Off
New Jeans purchased CHECK
New Spectacles collected CHECK
Plastering Debris taken to the Tip CHECK
How different today was from yesterday. The Sun is shining, there are no expectations of me and I have no expectations either. The net result is that the day is going to be take at our own pace; doing things if we want to and not if we don't.
The morning started with a quick trip in to Redditch to pick up new specs and a pair of Jeans. I have it my head that it must be great to wander in to a shop and buy some denims, take 'em home, rip off the labels and just put them on. I will never have this pleasure as, being a short arse, I always have that supplementary process of having them taken up* before I can wear them. I therefore had the supplementary task of dropping them off at the local Dry Cleaning and Alterations service.**
This morning 30% and I took T&M out for a walk around the farmland of a local Country Estate. It was a lovely walk taking in fields and woodland and ended with welcome refreshments at a convenient coffee shop.
After lunch we actually got busy, hitched the trailer up to the Land Rover and took a large amount of plaster debris over to the Tip.*** We then agreed that we had done plenty for the day and took time out to sit in the sun and take it easy.
As the sun started it's descent and the evening cooled a little I had an early supper and pulled the Ducati from the garage. The plan was to link up with Chippy Ian, Mick and Cheryl and follow our noses with a strong possibility of a Pub at some point too. Our route took us out on the back lanes from Evesham through Offenham to Bidford and then on to Stratford and Warwick. After Warwick we crossed back over the motorway on the A429 in the direction of Stow-on-the-Wold. After a while we turned off and settled in front of the Red Lion in Ilmington for refreshments. From Ilmington we headed home via Chipping Camden before dropping down from the escarpment taking in Honeybourne and Bretforton on the way back in to Evesham.
I arrived home around half past ten with a comprehensive collection of insects on my visor and a very numb bum.
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* Trust Me, with a 26.5" inside leg, turn ups are not a good look
** "They'll be back on Tuesday Love"
*** Andy & Steve's leftovers from a couple of weeks ago.
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Get me out of here!
Slides drafted for Review Call CHECK
In-box cleared CHECK
Out of Office message updated and set CHECK
Now what the hell am I going to do for the rest of the day as it is only half past nine...
... 30% and I have decided to take a couple of days off and have a long weekend. This has dovetailed perfectly with work in that our Estimate needed to be submitted to to the client today too. This meant that all of my work had been completed and there was little point in assigning me anything until I was back in work next week. As a result I spent much of today sitting around kicking my heels.
Unfortunately there was no hope of knocking off early as there were Review and Client calls late in the afternoon and I was stuck in front of the laptop until just before six.* The Review call was fine and the Client call was the usual bollocks ... They have repeatedly been told we have developed a rough estimate and they continue to try to pick it apart and ask detailed questions about a non-existent solution. This is getting very frustrating now and Little Miss Inept is doing my head in. Much of today's call was spent interrogating the corporate intranet for ISO certifications and passing them to her via Instant Messenger so that she could give the answers the client wanted.
The 'phone, Instant Messenger and e-mail account were shut off with the electronic equivalent of a resounding slam as soon as my post-call actions had been completed.
The evening saw 30% and I take a trip over to Kidderminster to have a wander around the Auction Rooms as we are on the look out for a Dining Table. There was nothing of interest there and so it looks like a good chunk of tomorrow has been freed up.
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* This might seem early but I am in front of the screen by seven thirty most daysTuesday, 24 July 2012
The Lightweight & Ninja Butter
Over the past week and a half I have become suspicious about the abilities, or more accurately lack of abilities, of the Sales Exec I am currently assisting. The first inkling that there might be issues was when we first spoke and she advised that she had only recently joined the ranks of Daemons at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell ... at this point it might be useful to imagine a bell tolling across a misty, monochrome landscape to give a sense of atmosphere ... I cast doubts aside and thought that she would be fine and would have the appropriate support and mentoring in place to deal with any gaps in her procedural knowledge. I carelessly assumed that she would have basic skills.
The next strike of the bell was heard when she mentioned that she was not good with spreadsheets and was not certain of how to apply a profit margin to some cost figures I had provided. Hmmm, I'm was starting to get a little worried at that point... BONG. Today the final proof of her skill level was when she advised that she was unable to embed spreadsheet in to a document and was also unable to locate the "button" that would show comments inserted during a review ... BONG!
So far on this engagement I appear to have developed the outline costs and walked a team of Executives through them gaining their approval, I have documented our approach and this document has been miraculously become our Proposal, presumably using the MS Excel formula advice given on applying a markup to a cost figure. I have reviewed and commented against a set of contractual T&Cs, I also appear to be to repository of all knowledge especially when a tricky question comes up. At this point I am wondering what the fuck the Sales Exec has actually added to the mix?
The final e-mail of the day contained a PowerPoint presentation that needs to be polished. There is no way I am going anywhere near it.
On a completely different set of tracks I noticed that we were short of bread and took a few minutes out of my working day to chuck the ingredients for a loaf in to the bread maker. Fairly early in the running order is a need to add 30g of butter to the bread tin. I wandered over to the fridge and checked the shelf ... no butter. I searched the other shelves ... still no butter.
At this point I did what any desperate person would do and tempted the wrath of 30% by 'phoning her at work. She advised that there was most definitely butter in the fridge and I advised that I had searched high and low and found no churned, milk fat products. 30% advised that it was definitely there but if I couldn't find it she would buy more. If I am totally honest here I think we were both a little terse by this point. After hanging up I wandered back to the fridge and carried out a forensic search. About four hours in to the search I noticed something lurking behind the Muller Lite Yoghurts ... it appears that 30% is now buying Ninja Butter that has the ability to blend in with it's surroundings making it almost invisible to the casual Butter Hunter.
It looks like I will be having toast for breakfast tomorrow after all.
The next strike of the bell was heard when she mentioned that she was not good with spreadsheets and was not certain of how to apply a profit margin to some cost figures I had provided. Hmmm, I'm was starting to get a little worried at that point... BONG. Today the final proof of her skill level was when she advised that she was unable to embed spreadsheet in to a document and was also unable to locate the "button" that would show comments inserted during a review ... BONG!
So far on this engagement I appear to have developed the outline costs and walked a team of Executives through them gaining their approval, I have documented our approach and this document has been miraculously become our Proposal, presumably using the MS Excel formula advice given on applying a markup to a cost figure. I have reviewed and commented against a set of contractual T&Cs, I also appear to be to repository of all knowledge especially when a tricky question comes up. At this point I am wondering what the fuck the Sales Exec has actually added to the mix?
The final e-mail of the day contained a PowerPoint presentation that needs to be polished. There is no way I am going anywhere near it.
On a completely different set of tracks I noticed that we were short of bread and took a few minutes out of my working day to chuck the ingredients for a loaf in to the bread maker. Fairly early in the running order is a need to add 30g of butter to the bread tin. I wandered over to the fridge and checked the shelf ... no butter. I searched the other shelves ... still no butter.
At this point I did what any desperate person would do and tempted the wrath of 30% by 'phoning her at work. She advised that there was most definitely butter in the fridge and I advised that I had searched high and low and found no churned, milk fat products. 30% advised that it was definitely there but if I couldn't find it she would buy more. If I am totally honest here I think we were both a little terse by this point. After hanging up I wandered back to the fridge and carried out a forensic search. About four hours in to the search I noticed something lurking behind the Muller Lite Yoghurts ... it appears that 30% is now buying Ninja Butter that has the ability to blend in with it's surroundings making it almost invisible to the casual Butter Hunter.
It looks like I will be having toast for breakfast tomorrow after all.
Monday, 23 July 2012
Nothing to see here
After the trail blazing activities of last week Monday was very quiet. All I needed to do was document the estimate and fire it over to the Sales Exec for her to polish and add spin before chucking it at the prospective client.
I passed the draft across just after lunch and then took an hour out to wander around the Three Miler in the glorious sunshine that has replaced the sodden weather we have had for the past couple of months.
After the walk I was back to documenting the estimate ... this time I was throwing together a "How To" guide as the Idiot Manager "suggested" I should do this after bombarding me with business-speak including that well known phrase intellectual capital. Personally I think that I stand a good chance of patronising every reader as it is well known that I am a bear of little brain and all I can do is provide a map as my colleagues are perfectly able to walk already.
I passed the draft across just after lunch and then took an hour out to wander around the Three Miler in the glorious sunshine that has replaced the sodden weather we have had for the past couple of months.
After the walk I was back to documenting the estimate ... this time I was throwing together a "How To" guide as the Idiot Manager "suggested" I should do this after bombarding me with business-speak including that well known phrase intellectual capital. Personally I think that I stand a good chance of patronising every reader as it is well known that I am a bear of little brain and all I can do is provide a map as my colleagues are perfectly able to walk already.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
It is going to be a long day
It was early on Sunday morning when I was dragged from my slumbers. In fact it was so early that many would class it as the middle of the night ... the 'phone was ringing ... I stumbled to the receiver and muttered a "hello" ... it was Trish; she had woken early and decided to get through the on-line flight check-in system and needed the expiry date of TP's passport. This necessitated a bare-arsed wander around the house locating spectacles and passport before advising the validity period of the aforementioned travel document.
I climbed back in to bed having noted that the clock said seven thirty. After tossing and turning for a few minutes I realised that I was wide awake and reluctantly got up again. This time I dressed and wandered down stairs for coffee ... It was going to be a long day.
The early start meant that I had a leisurely couple of hours before I took TP to rugby training. I then made a start on fitting the rear ladder to the Defender. This item has sat in a box in the Office for a couple of weeks and is an absolute must to get anything on to the roof rack that is now fitted. TP arrived back just in time to assist with fitting the bottom step to the rear bulkhead - his fingers are far more slender than mine.
After lunch it was time for a walk with T&M and a little down time before I picked up Trish, Abby and Nathan and returned to The Pile for an early dinner before we all hit the road for a Travelodge in the Heathrow area...
... Five hours and two hundred and twenty miles later I eventually walked back in the house ...
... sleep doesn't come easily to me after a 90 mph run along a dark motorway.
I climbed back in to bed having noted that the clock said seven thirty. After tossing and turning for a few minutes I realised that I was wide awake and reluctantly got up again. This time I dressed and wandered down stairs for coffee ... It was going to be a long day.
The early start meant that I had a leisurely couple of hours before I took TP to rugby training. I then made a start on fitting the rear ladder to the Defender. This item has sat in a box in the Office for a couple of weeks and is an absolute must to get anything on to the roof rack that is now fitted. TP arrived back just in time to assist with fitting the bottom step to the rear bulkhead - his fingers are far more slender than mine.
After lunch it was time for a walk with T&M and a little down time before I picked up Trish, Abby and Nathan and returned to The Pile for an early dinner before we all hit the road for a Travelodge in the Heathrow area...
... Five hours and two hundred and twenty miles later I eventually walked back in the house ...
... sleep doesn't come easily to me after a 90 mph run along a dark motorway.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
I can see ... that pin down there.
This weekend is marked by a lack of significant activities as 30% has kindly volunteered me to run Trish, her family and TP down to Heathrow tomorrow evening for their trip out to Qatar. That sounds like a great way to finish off the weekend ... five hours in the car. On a more positive note; it is mostly all motorway and the Olympics haven't started yet so it shouldn't be too bad.
As a result Saturday involved nothing more than a trip in to Redditch to have my eyes tested.* The afternoon saw me attempt to gain control over the lawn and then wander around the Three Miler with T&M.
I then considered an extended kip on the sofa but Dave the Stripper called to advise that he would be dropping off the Dresser Base and Dining Chairs this evening so a garage clearing session was mandated. I have to report that they all look fantastic or at least will do after a little care and maintenance.
As a result Saturday involved nothing more than a trip in to Redditch to have my eyes tested.* The afternoon saw me attempt to gain control over the lawn and then wander around the Three Miler with T&M.
I then considered an extended kip on the sofa but Dave the Stripper called to advise that he would be dropping off the Dresser Base and Dining Chairs this evening so a garage clearing session was mandated. I have to report that they all look fantastic or at least will do after a little care and maintenance.
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* one gained an O-level in maths, the other was found to be in excess of the drink drive limit
Friday, 20 July 2012
The Man from Del Monte, he say ".....
It is Friday and after this week I would really like to make it "Poets Day".* Unfortunately I am working with Americans at the moment and had calls in my diary until half past six this evening. This was very annoying as the main activity today was a review call with a trio of Executives and a Senior Architect at ten o'clock. If all went well I would spend much of the day kicking my heels waiting to listen to Americans natter for a couple of hours before I could knock off...
... so how did it go?
First a couple of steps back in time ... When I was first asked to pick up this piece of work I was informed that it was a new approach to developing a rough estimate quickly and a move away from our normal estimating tool. That was it. There was no guidance, no suggestions... "Just get on with it badman and make shit up as you go along". As a result I have spent the past week throwing notes, pseudo-facts and bullshit in to a scruffy, many tabbed spreadsheet with version control and summary sheets in the vain hope that they make it look like I know what I am doing.
It was this spreadsheet that I used as the foundation for the Exec presentation this morning. I took them through the numbers identifying how each had been developed; some ranged from actual numbers, some were "wet fingers in the air" based on previous experience and some were complete fiction driven as a percentage of the other stuff.
Questions were asked, comments were made and a few revisions were suggested and then the summary decision was presented. They loved it! The Executive Lead summarised stating that it was exactly what he wanted and that there would be much more of this type of work in the future and I had set the bench mark ...
... so that's me with a big target painted on my arse then!
After the call I made a few modifications to my estimates and passed them over to have them priced. It was then a slow day until the calls started in the late afternoon. The Sales Lead did her usual trick of dropping me in it and I crawled from the silence at the edges of the call and spent a few minutes trying to sound competent and took the client CEO through our principal assumptions made in the development of our estimate. We must have done something right as he had a complete attitude adjustment and was incredibly positive towards us, our approach and our numbers. I found out later that the Sales Lead had been bombarded with incredulous messages from our US colleagues about our achievements and performance.
It's been a long week but it is nice to end it on a high note.
... so how did it go?
First a couple of steps back in time ... When I was first asked to pick up this piece of work I was informed that it was a new approach to developing a rough estimate quickly and a move away from our normal estimating tool. That was it. There was no guidance, no suggestions... "Just get on with it badman and make shit up as you go along". As a result I have spent the past week throwing notes, pseudo-facts and bullshit in to a scruffy, many tabbed spreadsheet with version control and summary sheets in the vain hope that they make it look like I know what I am doing.
It was this spreadsheet that I used as the foundation for the Exec presentation this morning. I took them through the numbers identifying how each had been developed; some ranged from actual numbers, some were "wet fingers in the air" based on previous experience and some were complete fiction driven as a percentage of the other stuff.
Questions were asked, comments were made and a few revisions were suggested and then the summary decision was presented. They loved it! The Executive Lead summarised stating that it was exactly what he wanted and that there would be much more of this type of work in the future and I had set the bench mark ...
... so that's me with a big target painted on my arse then!
After the call I made a few modifications to my estimates and passed them over to have them priced. It was then a slow day until the calls started in the late afternoon. The Sales Lead did her usual trick of dropping me in it and I crawled from the silence at the edges of the call and spent a few minutes trying to sound competent and took the client CEO through our principal assumptions made in the development of our estimate. We must have done something right as he had a complete attitude adjustment and was incredibly positive towards us, our approach and our numbers. I found out later that the Sales Lead had been bombarded with incredulous messages from our US colleagues about our achievements and performance.
It's been a long week but it is nice to end it on a high note.
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* Poets Day: Acronym construct based on "Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday"
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