I'm outta here

It is Friday and my last day at work before a week's holiday. I think it fair to say that I am so glad to be away from work even though I know that I will return to a complete and utter nightmare. The reason for this is that my current project is running behind schedule due to delays in finalising the client requirements. Everyone knows that we are at least a week behind in our plan and everybody but one is freely admitting it. The problem is that the One is the Lead Sales Exec in America.  In his heart of hearts he knows that he is not going to get this signed by the end of March but there is so much Senior Executive focus on this deal that he cannot be seen to paint the true picture ...

... as a result he spent a merry forty five minutes on the phone last night attempting to apportion blame to this side of the pond. We stood firm against his unjust criticisms and pointed out that his minimalist approach to communications and ludicrously short timescales for review of documents* weren't really helping move things along. To make matters worse the Client in Europe is not really focussed on progressing this deal as they are under contract for another forty months so an extension is understandably not at the top of their to do list. In the end he did what was expected and promised to improve the trans-Atlantic communications and to apply pressure to the client where vital information was not forthcoming. **

 The realist in me recognises that we are going to be worked like slaves to achieve the non-achievable target and then there will be a last minute extension. This is why I am taking a week off; first, it allows me to recharge my batteries and secondly, it is one less week of dealing with bullshit. This is not a mature approach. Rushing this project will introduce errors and the last minute extension will be used to get Senior Executives to mandate the release of an imperfect product rather than taking it at the appropriate pace and delivering a decent proposal. In view of all of this I did my best to do some preemptive arse covering and had a briefing call with my Second Line Manager this afternoon. ****

By six o'clock I had run out of steam couldn't be bothered to do any more.  I set my out of office, changed my voice-mail message and turned off my e-mail application.

Bollocks to the lot of them.

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* in his diatribe it became apparent that when he sent over a document for us to review what he expected back was comments along the lines of that's great, go for it.  What he most definitely did not want was expert analysis and identification of areas of risk that could expose Dante's to excessive cost or poor service delivery.
** I equate this statement the same degree of trust and belief as I do the response the cheque is in the post ***
*** This is the second biggest lie in the history of mankind. The first is no Darling, I won't come in your mouth.
**** I hope that a) she read between the lines and b) remembers we had the conversation

A change of plan

30% and I were both really looking forward to a week away in Pwll Du Bay, so it came as a disappointment to learn that our tranquil week was likely to be somewhat less solitary than expected ...

... The owner contacted us to advise that the building works on the cottage had overrun and that the drilling for the ground water heating system was likely to be a backdrop to our week on The Gower. The main reason we go there is because it is so quiet and people free so the idea of spending time with a band of merry Ground Works Contractors was absolutely not what we had in mind.* I should point out that she did offer a partial refund but in the end we decided to cancel and re-book for Easter.**

As a result 30% and I will be having a staycation next week. We have no real plans but I am guessing that we will get a few jobs at home completed and have the time to actually go out and hunt for the dining table and possibly a new car for 30%.

The one thing I am sure about is that I am most definitely not telling Dante's about my change of plans. As far as they are concerned I am away on holiday in the wilds of Wales.

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* especially if the weather was appalling and we wanted to spend the day at the cottage in front of the fire.
** there is a possibility of better weather then too

Oh Joy, it is Monday.

A couple of inches of wet snow had fallen overnight and the garden looked quite attractive in the early morning light. However, signs of thawing were already apparent and it didn't look like it would lie on the ground for long.

Work was it's usual endless riot of laughter and amusement. Today's big news was that my request for replacement of the individual assigned to provide holiday cover had been ignored. As a result only two of the five days I am away will be covered. To make matters worse my deputy only works three days a week so I either need to perform my hand over on Wednesday or, more realistically, spend Friday evening writing a War and Peace email attempting to describe how to keep this shit* on course.

Of more interest were the lots that 30% collected from the Auction House at lunchtime; the coal box looks fantastic after a quick polish and is now sitting beside the fireplace in the dining room. As for the African spear tips, they too are very attractive and today's game is to lay them out in a pattern that would look attractive as a framed mount.

You could do some mischief with these

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* this is not a typo

Anyone know how to make an electric ukulele?

Sunday's weather forecast had never sounded promising; cold and wet, turning to snow later and the Met Office had certainly got the morning's weather spot on. There was never going to be a dry spell today and I also had a lot to do so I bit the bullet and took T&M out for a soggy walk whilst 30% drove TP over to the rugby club for a training session.

I was out and back by ten thirty and spent a merry ten minutes toweling down the dogs before thawing myself with a cup of coffee. 30% was back by about eleven and I got her to help me carry yesterday's trunk project from the garage in to the house where I applied a coat of wax polish. This took up the remainder of the morning and I finished as lunch was served.

The afternoon was spent back out in the garage assisting TP's with his electric ukulele project. Today's objective was to prepare the solid mahogany body for the electronics. A socket was drilled out for the jack plug and the mortice for the volume and tone controls was chiseled out. We also got the holes drilled through the body for the wires connecting controls, jack and pick-up.

This took most of the afternoon and it is fair to say that it was most definitely not the weather for working in a large unheated garage. As a result my next priority task was to light a fire and thaw my bones in front of it. As the daylight faded the rain turned to sleet and then snow ...

... looks like I will be drying off the dogs AGAIN before I go to bed tonight.

I need a break

Saturday seemed to be a day of fetching and carrying combined with frustrating loitering.

The day started with me running TP over to a nearby Paintball establishment to link up with his rugby mates for a team building activity. Having completed this paternal duty I returned home for a coffee whilst 30% and I entered a few on-line bids on a local Auction house's website.  We had attended the viewing yesterday evening and there were a couple of items that we quite liked, however neither of us thought hanging around an auction room on the off-chance of being successful was a good use of our morning.

30% has hopes of finding the table at this fortnightly auction but I am not so sure. I appreciate that a table might come up but the general condition of the lots suggests that there is a quality gap between what she is looking for and what tends to be up for sale. Then there is the factor of how long she is prepared to leave the dining room without furniture. To be honest I  think a bargaining session with a relatively local antique dealer is more likely to be fruitful.*

With our bids made I donned hat and coat and took T&M for a walk around a drizzly Three Miler.** On my return my next task was to pop over to the local feed store and pick up some shavings for the chicken coops. I returned and found myself with one of the aforementioned periods of loitering ... 30% advised that she would be getting lunch in about half an hour and so I was left with 30 minutes to fill. Every task I had on my to do list would fill much more than this and so I kicked my heels and hung around frustrated a not being able to get on with anything.

After lunch I finally succumbed to 30%'s unsubtle hints*** and clipped T&M's faces. Having got this ten minute job out of the way, I then paid a call on BMS and SMS. The reason for this visit was manyfold; to catch up on their news, to reduce our glut of eggs, to borrow a router for TP's electric ukulele project and to collect my exchanged Christmas Present. We chatted and drank tea as the afternoon passed and I realised that TP needed to be picked up.

Next stop was the Paintballing site to collect a cold and soggy son before heading back to The Pile. It was now about four o'clock and, as I said at the start of this entry, all I had done was fetch and carry and loiter for five minute spells before my next task became due. When we got home the auction results had finally listed on the internet and we now appear to be the owners of a fine mahogany coal box **** and a collection of African spear heads. *****

It was now nearly five o'clock and I didn't feel like I had really achieved much so I wandered out to the garage to take out my frustrations on a few pieces of timber ...

... a couple of hours later I was pleased to report that a stripped pine trunk has now been sanded and given a coat of wood reviver and will be ready for polishing tomorrow.

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* although more costly than she would like.
** Note to self: I saw C&M walking the Three Miler earlier in the week and C was pushing a trundle wheel. When I asked he confirmed that he was measuring it to see whether it really was three miles in length. I must remember to ask him what his findings were ... and it is true of C that once a Quantity Surveyor, always a Quantity Surveyor.
*** Hello Darling, does your face need clipping? repeated ad nauseam
**** in need of nothing more than a coat of wax polish
***** in need of mounting in some sort of box frame

Easy come, easy go

A couple of hours later there was another knock at the door. I fought my way past two frenetic canines and opened the door. It was yet another middle-aged lady* and she too was lacking the expected parcel, stylus and electronic pad. "Hello" she said "Have you got my chicken?". I confirmed that I had and that it was merrily pecking away in one of my runs. She then went on to regale me with an unnecessary narrative of how distraught her daughter would be if the bird could not be found.**

I then threw her a curve ball by suggesting that she came back when it was dark as it would be far easier to retrieve the roosting bird from the coop than to chase it up and down the run. She showed signs of  a visible mental hiccup as she assimilated this suggestion,  agreed to my plan and departed.

As I returned to my desk I considered the fact that from her perspective it might have looked a little odd that I was not prepared to instantly return the abscondee to her less than perfect care. However she was obviously unaware that I have a fucking job of work to do and have far better things to do that run around after middle-aged women and their errant poultry problems.

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* actually there were two of them but one of them remained silent and looked as if she really didn't want to be there.
** I did what any man would do here and tuned 80% 90% 95% of this wittering out and waited for a gap where I was expected to insert a vague non-committal response.

Receiving stolen goods?

This morning I was sat at the desk mulling over various tasks and how to progress them effectively with as little personal effort as possible when I heard a knock at the door. "Ah" I thought "that must be the upholstery hide that 30% has ordered for the dining room chairs". I rushed to the door, fighting my way past two barking poodles, and found a middle aged lady stood on the step. With a keen eye I took in the lack of large parcel or stylus and electronic pad and quickly came to the conclusion that she was no Delivery Driver.

Her next question took me aback slightly; "Do you keep chickens?" she asked. I replied in the affirmative and she then advised that she had found one in her garden and from her non-expert description I decided that it could be one of our Marans. I grabbed a pair of shoes and followed her down the road passing the time of day. As we walked I started to think that this was a bloody long way for one of my birds to have strayed. Your average chicken is not generally an adventurous creature. Provided that there is food and water, a place to lay eggs and decent accommodation they will come home to roost each and every night. The phrase coming home to roost is perfectly true of Galliforme behaviour. To have reached this lady's garden this bird would have needed to cross at least eight or ten gardens and a couple of estate roads. I kept my concerns to myself and chattered away ...

... eventually we reached her house and I was shown through to the garden. There on the patio, pecking at scraps of red pepper, was a Maran hen. With a turn of speed that surprised the owner, I had the hen captured and tucked under one arm. As I was walking through the house saying thank you and so forth the hen shifted in my grip and splayed one wing and it was at that point that I noticed that it's wings had been clipped. I pointed this out to the owner along with the fact that this proved that the bird was most definitely not one of mine. She advised that if I was happy to take it she was happy to see it go so I left ensuring that she was aware that I now labelled her as some dark, nefarious trafficker in stolen poultry.

As for the hen, it is now in the run with our dozen legitimate pullets getting itself on the outside of as many layers pellets as it can stuff in to it's crop. I made a note of her address and mentally considered dropping off half a dozen eggs as a thank you. Mind you, if the bugger doesn't lay, I also know where to take the damned thing back.

A suggestion?

I rarely make reference to happenings deemed  newsworthy as there are plenty of real and virtual pages covering them but today was a slow day so I have a suggestion for UK food producers ...

... have a chat with your packaging company of choice and get two extra stickers produced; one saying 25% off and the other stating may contain horse meat.

Problem solved.

Going nowhere fast

I checked out of my hotel and was in the Office bright and early this morning.  As with yesterday, I bumped in to one of my colleagues on arrival and we settled to clear accumulated emails before today's meeting. During our conversations it became apparent that the sessions planned for Thursday and Friday were only 2 hours in duration. We both agreed that this did not warrant me staying in London for another two days and that a conference line should be made available for me to dial in to. I was delighted to not have to use Dante's God awful booking system to locate a hotel for tonight and looked forward to being at home, however late in the evening that might be.

Today's sessions were slightly more relevant to my role but it was apparent that there is a significant gulf between Dante's view of when the new Agreement will sign and the client's time line. Our Sales Guys want this done and dusted by the end of March but the Client doesn't expect to have a clear statement on requirements for two or three weeks at least.* These requirements are key to finalising my work and if I was to make a bet I would say that a late April signing is going to be challenging enough.

The workshop finally folded mid afternoon and by half past four I was Oxford bound on a commuter filled train. I had escaped any official actions from the workshops but had a personal list of activities and enquiries I needed to progress.

 At the moment there is a distinct lack of clarity on this project. Everywhere I look I see misunderstanding and contradiction.  I also hear a lot of waffle but no-one appears to actually be creating targets or objectives and steering this in the right direction.

This badly needs some focus and planning.

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* and, if you ask me, that is bloody optimistic

Why am I here?

As intimated yesterday, it was an early start this morning. It was probably worse* for 30% as she had kindly volunteered to drop me off at the station and was therefore hauling her arse out of bed for no personal gain.

I managed to catch some sleep on the train down to Paddington and crossed the city without delay. At around nine thirty I walked in through the electronic security barriers at one of Dante's principal Circles of Hell and found myself  face to face with the Imps, Daemons and Clients** I was there to meet... Perfect Timing.

Let's forget sequential event recording here and drop back to the end of last week. There was an extreme lack of clarity over the need for me to be in London. The main driver for my attendance was a series of Client workshops held over four days and it was hoped, note  HOPED, that these meetings would clarify the changes they require to their service. There was no real detail on objectives or outputs beyond the first two days. The net result of this lack of clarity was that the Lead US Sales Exec had already declined to attend and I responded by reducing my hotel booking to a single night with the intention of taking stock on Tuesday ...

... I am so glad I did. Today's meeting was attended by more than a dozen senior client and Dante's managers and executives and featured the standard, unimpressive, corporate sandwiches and nibbles. The hourly cost of the attendees must have been colossal and was inversely proportional to the output of the session. It most definitely did not identify required changes to the service and was actually a mothers' meeting of uninformed individuals recounting half truths over historic service issues. At the end of the day not one actual action or direction had been set to address any of the problems. It had just been a lot of hot air. It became apparent during the meeting that the Client Team had no knowledge of the what they had procured and expected a completely different range of services to be delivered. To use an analogy they had bought a boat and were now wondering why they couldn't use it to drive in luxury from London to Birmingham in two hours. Dante's weren't getting away from the session without criticism either. It was apparent that they had made no effort in educating the client in what they had and, more importantly, hadn't procured and also had made no effort to assist the customer in rectifying the gulf in expectations. During the day there were also intimations that the some of the individuals running the service had been derelict in their duties.

I did my best to remain to attentive and, during breaks, to negotiate an escape route back to Worcestershire tomorrow evening. I have to report that, so far, I have made no significant progress but the hotel is fully booked for Tuesday night ...

... I am not yet sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

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* I may have mentioned before that she is NOT one of nature's Larks
** I suppose I should use an alias term for Clients and Customers. I can think of a particular word beginning with c that might suit

Grudge Match

Sunday too was also fully booked. The morning started very early and I was out walking T&M before the clock struck nine. Whilst I was out traipsing around the Three Miler, 30% dropped TP off at the rugby club for pre match practice. We returned to the club in time for the eleven o’clock kick off…

… it was a local Derby against TP’s old club and it didn’t start too well. TP’s team were down by a good few tries by half time and looked lack-lustre at best. The opposition were also fairly aggressive and the expectation was of a landslide victory. However in the second half TP’s team returned to the pitch invigorated and played incredibly well. They didn’t do enough to win but only lost by a couple of points and certainly outplayed the opposition. It was a shame that this was most definitely a grudge match and whilst a few punches on the pitch can be overlooked the one thrown by a member of the away team as they were clapped off the pitch wasn’t  particularly sporting.

In the afternoon TP and I returned to the garage and spent several hours cutting a socket in to his ukulele body perfectly sized to receive the donor neck. The light was fading as we returned to the house and another weekend had been exhausted.

The final task of the day was to pack an overnight bag for next week’s trip to London. I haven’t a clue how long to pack for as the information on the Client workshops is scant at best. I was originally going to stay until Friday but am now hoping to be coming back home on Tuesday night. If my plans go awry I could end up sleeping in Cardboard City on the South Bank.

Like that was ever going to happen

The weather forecast for Saturday indicated that it was going to be cold but sunny, perfect weather for trialling my recently acquired Rolleicord with it’s roll of Ilford HP5 waiting to be exposed. I made this intention clear to 30% and she seemed to be in agreement, so my plans for Saturday left the bulk of the afternoon free to wander around in an eccentric fashion with an antique hanging from my neck…

…or so I thought. The discussions with TP earlier in the week made it clear that I needed to set aside a goodly amount of time to assist him with his electric ukulele project. 30% also advised that she had arranged for a visit by Dave and Dot, the former of whom is the guitar player in 30%’s Dad’s band and has assembled a few axes in his time. On top of this I was also advised that this was the final opportunity for TP to spend some time with his girlfriend before heading off to Austria for his half term skiing trip. I saw my plans evaporating in the heat of familial demands. I rapidly gave these matters some thought and came up with a plan …

… it was arranged that TP’s GF would spend the afternoon and evening with us thereby satisfying the requirement for time spent together and, at the same time, leaving some time in the morning to work on the stalled ukulele project.

And so Saturday arrived. The weather was as predicted and I was out very early in the day to get T&M walked. As I returned through the Church Yard I was taken by the Church in the sunlight and, after dropping the dogs off at home, I returned to take a few trial photos before rushing back to meet up with Dave & Dot.

Dave’s advise was valuable and, as soon as he left, TP and I wandered out to the garage and made a start on cutting a halving joint on the ukulele neck. This is new territory for me as I have never worked on a musical instrument before and unlike most woodwork I cannot simply cut another piece of timber if I make a cock up. At this point I suppose I ought to explain that TP has constructed a body from mahogany and the project involves the transplant of the neck, bridge and other components from another electric ukulele. Basically, if we balls it up we will need to acquire another ukulele to obtain the donor components. The session went well and the result of our efforts was a jig to hold the neck and a neat halving joint cut.

We wandered back in to the house, pleased with our efforts, just as TP’s GF arrived. As I thawed 30% reminded me that we needed to drive over to Alcester to pick up an office chair. It was an eBay win and looked ideal for TP’s bedroom décor. She mentioned that a brief visit to the supermarket was needed and that she had also happened across an Audi TT coupe in a garage in Redditch. I took my camera along on the slim chance of there being some light left to take pictures but I already knew that the five shots I took in the churchyard were today’s photographic output.

The chair got collected, the supermarket got visited and the TT got inspected*. We returned home in the fading light. I lit a fire and a start was made on supper.

Normally my Journal entries tend to have very little material recorded after dinner but today was an exception. My final task of the day was to take TP’s GF home …

… as I reversed out of their poorly lit driveway I heard a sickening crunch. I had only gone and reversed 30%’s car in to the low wall that borders the driveway. I inspected the damage when I got home and could see that a visit by the local Chips Away body repair man is on the horizon.

Bugger!

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* it looked like an honest car and after a valet and some work on a couple of paintwork blemishes it may well be the one. A refundable deposit was placed and a test drive was provisionally arranged for next Wednesday.

A change is as good as a rest

Today  it was time for something completely different ... well, when I say completely different, there were actually quite a few similarities but, as things that have similarities go, this one was completely different. Let me explain ...

... Dante's Nine Circles of Hell likes to be viewed in a positive way by the general public at large and consequently has a Division of Daemons who arrange voluntary activities out in the community. At this point, as an aside, I would love to see a size comparison of the Voluntary Division Daemons and the Tax Division Daemons as, I am sure we would all know which one was the larger team.* Getting back on track, today Tigger and I had, for one day only, arranged a small, two venue tour. Yep, most of the band were scattered to the distant horizons but today we were back on the road as a two man ensemble for we had taken a proverbial step forward and volunteered for one of this year's community programmes.

After a many weeks of waiting and a number of frustratingly unanswered e-mails with less than sparkling individuals I had managed to coordinate and schedule the voluntary activities for today. ** As a result we found ourselves trundling up to the North, Eastern Districts of the fine and glamorous city of Birmingham to install some Nursery equipment at two Children's Day Care Centres.

It was great to be back in Tigger's company and I think we both thought that it had been far too long since we had got stuck in to a jar of hunny together. They may not have been any profit in today's activities but we were both fairly sure that it was likely to be sticky in some areas.

We arrived at the first venue and introduced ourselves at the reception. Whilst our welcome was not exactly frosty, we were most certainly not greeted with any enthusiasm and were just pointed at a huge cardboard box and then ignored. The job was not particularly arduous and entailed assembling large brightly coloured pieces of plastic and strapping in some cheap technology to ensure that it was a) bloody noisy and b) had lots of fast moving, anthropomorphic monstrosities to entertain the little bastards darlings.

As neither of us had done anything like this before there was much head scratching and consultation of instructions and like all proper workmen we had an expectation of a steady stream of tea and coffee. This was thirsty work and whilst the paying guests appeared to by nicely catered for, receiving milk and snacks on a regular basis, Tigger and I were left gasping and spitting feathers. During the two hours we were there not one drink was offered and when we did need to talk to the Nursery staff to ask vital questions like where are the the other boxes? and is there someone we can just talk through what we have done? we were given a less than effusive response... Miserable Sods.

It was then time for a true workmen's lunch, taken in the cab of the Defender, looking out across the fine vistas of the local Civic Centre. Refreshed and re-energised we drove over to our next venue. Our reception there was as cheese is to chalk and we were warmly greeted, instantly offered hot beverages and settled in to our working area. Whenever anyone walked past we were chatted with and one of their members of staff had actually done a good deal of the assembly prior to our arrival. As a result we were done and dusted in an hour and were trundling back towards The Pile before two o'clock in the afternoon.

It was an enjoyable day as a) there was actually a physical product as a result of our efforts b) the work had been done as a team and c) once the first unit had been assembled we knew what we were doing and the work could be progressed without the constant battle and confusion that is at the very core of what we normally do.

Oh, and if you are looking for a Nursery in the vicinity of Birmingham Airport I know which one I would recommend.

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* One would like to think that these two Divisions are rarely ever involved with each other but the cynic in me would think that they are, in fact, quite closely connected.
** I did say that there were similarities

Marauder to the rescue.

Work is starting to ramp up and it is fair to say that the day simply rushed by. Apart from an hour out in the soggy lanes walking the dogs, I was head down at the laptop until I finally closed everything down a little before six.

I needed to finish early this evening as 30% and I are going over to the Artrix Theater in Bromsgrove to see Colin Blunstone... so, as I said, it was a case of tools down and tidy up. First evening duty was to shut up the chickens and I then let T&M out for a race around the garden. After five or ten minutes I called them back but there was no sign of Marauder. Somewhat concerned after several calls, I grabbed a torch and scouted the grounds. I eventually found her staring intently though the fence that separates the garden from the High Street... There, flustered in the rapidly fading light, was a hen that had failed to make it's way back to the coop and most definitely aiming to be fox fodder. With TP's assistance I rescued the hen and shoved her back in the safety of the hen house.

Marauder received a biscuit in recognition of her services to the Poultry Population.*

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* She is on record as saying she would have rather just had twenty minutes alone with the aforementioned hen!

Bleugh

Yes "bleugh" sums up quite nicely how I felt when I woke for work on Monday. The cold was still there and I really didn't feel like doing much. My main objective of the day was get some contractual definitions associated with some baselines and after a short call I managed to locate a couple of individuals to take this forward. Other than that my day was fortunately pretty light and, if I am totally honest, a fire was lit in the mid afternoon and I fell asleep in front of it.

On Tuesday I felt marginally better and sidled up to the laptop with an improved frame of mind. First order of the day was to sort out some arrangements for a piece of voluntary work that Tigger and I have agreed to do. It involves installing some computer equipment out in the community and I was finally able to determine that the kit had been delivered and that provisional installation dates could be set. I fired off a mail to all parties and out of courtesy carbon copied IM and his soon to be replacement ...

... IM's response was a complete surprise. It was a very snotty missive that went along the lines of "this is the first I have heard about this" and "I don't recall being asked to sanction vacation for you to do this".  Both Tigger and I had discussed this with him on previous occasions and we pointed this out to him in our separate responses. What transpires is that he felt that he should have been consulted again before we set the date for the activity. He is a complete wanker, as the only question he would have asked would have been whether our respective projects would be impacted by the day spent doing voluntary work. Funnily enough, that was at the forefront of both Tiggers' and my minds when we planned this escapade. We picked a quiet day. As a result it is fair to say that IM is leaving his role in the same way he arrived ... by being a patronising control freak who has a very poor choice of communication methods and consequently ensures that most people have a low opinion of him.

To be honest the day didn't really improve. The US Lead Team got really snotty about a one hundred and three page Contract Schedule that had not been reviewed within the two day timescale that they set! It looks like I am going to have to take a run through it as most of the subject matter experts are on holiday or training courses. I am far from well acquainted with Contract so my input is going to be of a general nature at best. Oh well, if they will set stupid timescales and not get buy in or support, I am assuming that their quality expectations are set accordingly.

I also chased up the assignment of my No. 2 on the latest project and found that the assignee only works a three day week. I have worked with this individual before and she has a lot of positive qualities but unfortunately she is as naive as they come and we are working in an environment where, at times, one simply cannot pack up work on Wednesday and say "see you Monday". I tried to protest but simply got "We don't have anyone else".

As a result I was not in the best frames of mind when I finished the day and really didn't need the one-sided discussion with TP about his electric ukulele project, the amount of work that needs to be done, the timescales to complete that work and the involvement I am likely to have...

... and I had to ferry the ungrateful little sod to and from Rugby Training too.

Weekend Round Up

As predicted, I was late to bed last night after collecting TP from the party. It was close to one o'clock before I climbed in to bed so I was not overjoyed to be wide awake a little after six on Saturday morning. I seem to lack the lying in gene so I rose and spent the early morning hours drinking coffee and watching television.

Eventually 30% and TP surfaced; the former keen to spend the morning at the auction house and the latter slightly less keen to spend the day with his mother and his much younger siblings. Just before we were about to leave for the auction Postie arrived at the door carrying a large Amazon liveried box. "What have you bought now?" came the interrogative tones of 30%. I replied that I hadn't a clue and hurriedly scrawled a squiggle across Postie's grimy, touch sensitive screen before coming back inside and setting the box down. On closer examination it could be seen that the Amazon box was an example of recycling in action and my hopes were raised as I slid a knife through the parcel tape holding the package together ...

... Oh Joy, there nestled in layers of bubble wrap was my recent impulse buy from eBay. I have hankered after one of these beauties for the best part of twenty years and I finally stupidly made a last minute bid on one at the beginning of the week. Peering out from the cardboard nest was a vintage, 1950's Rolliecord twin lens reflex camera. I haven't a clue whether it works or not and consequently whether I have just wasted the best part of ninety quid on it but it is gorgeous and I already have a 120 roll film sat in the desk waiting to be loaded ... watch this space.

I reluctantly put the camera to one side and 30% and I nipped over to the auction. It was an interesting experience and a few bids were made on some of the items we had earmarked yesterday. We didn't win any of those items but did come away with a mahogany gentleman's shaving mirror for twenty five quid and all it will need is a dab of glue under a small piece of lifted veneer and coat of polish to restore it to it's original glory.

Back at home the afternoon was taken up with a walk around the Three Miler and I then made a start on the dining room job list. I managed to fit the picture light and apply a coat of liquid wax to the door frames before it was time to get myself tidied up for this evening's Burns Night Supper ...

... this has become an annual event for us although we are still not wholly sure why we go. None of us are Scottish, we can't stand the venue, the meal is barely the right side of mediocre and the land lady is the most sour faced cow you will ever meet but we do love haggis and Colin; the Organiser is such a splendid chap that it would be rude not to attend.

As we wandered home after the meal I noticed a nasty scratchy feel at the back of my throat. Out of the blue I appeared to have picked up a cold or sore throat or something. Over night the scratchy feeling worsened and every time I coughed I woke. That was two crap night's sleep in a row.

Sunday started with a trip over to Leamington to take a look at a car 30% had found on the internet. The advertisment made it sound very promising but the reality was somewhat different and a quick walk around the car had me saying a most definite "no" and dashing 30%'s hopes of driving away in a yellow Audi TT quattro. It may have had a low mileage but it hadn't been well looked after and four knackered alloys and a host of scratched body panels said this car was a long way away from being the one. We drove home past the TT that we had test driven a few weeks ago. It was, by far, a better car and it's presence on the forecourt showed that there are plenty of them for sale, they are not selling like hot cakes and there is no need to rush in to this particular purchase.

Back at home I fitted the ceiling light in the dining room ably assisted by TP and after lunch I grudgingly donned hat and coat and took T&M for a walk. The cold was getting worse and I would have much rather been asleep on the sofa ...

... however, my to do list beckoned and I dug out my acrylic paints and disguised the two dutchmen that I had inserted in one of the dining room door frames. Exhausted by this artistic endeavour I retired to the sofa and, a couple of hours later, I woke to the smell of Sunday dinner being cooked. Slightly refreshed, or should that be slightly less jaded I completed the penultimate task on my to do list and finished the cleaning and waxing of the fire surround. 30% has arranged for the set of dining chairs to be cleaned and reupholstered so it is getting to the point where we really do need to get a table.

Coasting through to the weekend

Andy and Steve arrive bright and early this morning and hit the ground running. Within minutes they were stood in the dining room, tea in hand, debating their respective Pop Master scores over the previous four days. Their plan today was to get the final coat of emulsion on the ceiling, the final coat of varnish on the doors to the garden, sand and apply the top coat to the woodwork and get two coats of emulsion on the walls ...

... I left them to it and retired to the office to make a start on my working day. My main objectives were to submit a resource request in order that I can get a team of SMIs assembled to do some work and, secondly,  to wriggle my way out of progressing the baseline spreadsheet activity that I seem to have been lumbered with ... well, I succeeded on one count anyway!

A&S finished at around four o'clock and I have to say that the room looks stunning. The combination of white woodwork, the oak floor and the green walls looks fantastic and I will take some photo's once I have finished the few loose ends. It looks like my job list over the weekend is as follows:-

• fit picture light
• fit ceiling light
• finish waxing the fire surround
• find my acrylic paints and colour match in the "dutch men" with the old pine of the door frame
• apply liquid wax to the door frames, small cupboard door and architraves
• remove stripped pine door, give it a final sand and then apply liquid wax

I'm not sure how many of these I will get through as 30% is keen to visit a local auction on Saturday and there is also the local Burns Night Supper on Saturday night too.*

Before Supper, 30% and I took a trip over to the auction house at Middle Littleton for a viewing. 30% is understandably keen to find the table for the dining room and was hopeful that a splendid Mahogany edifice would be found amongst the lots. Unfortunately that was not the case but there were sufficient items of interest to persuade us that a return visit tomorrow would be worthwhile even if it achieved nothing more than getting the feel of the operation. Before we left the viewing we had a quick chat with the Auctioneer and he advised that the lots were a little thin on the ground due to the recent snow and that the next sale in early February was likely to be rammed with goodies. I can see this becoming a regular haunt.

And that just about sums up the day. I know I will be late to bed tonight as TP is out at a party. I have volunteered to collect him and his girlfriend at eleven thirty and tour Worcestershire in the dark, taking in the delights of Eckington and Norton, before I manage to get my arse in to bed.

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* I know it is a day too late but I only attend. I don't arrange it.

Tea Break's over ...

It is Thursday which means the week is nearly done. I will admit that the weekend is always welcome but, as this week has involved getting back in to the swing of things after a long break, I am already looking forward to a couple of days off. I know that things will become far more intense over the next month but simply getting this beast moving has quite taken it out of me. I have realised how unused to work I have become after more than a month away from the coal face ...

... I finally dragged the mojo out from under the cupboard and it is now sulking grumpily in a shoebox* on my desk. Hopefully, in time, it's attitude will improve and I can let it loose to scurry around the office like a slightly past it, scurrying thing**. I have issued my draft timetable back to the Lead Team in America and have finished off the baseline spreadsheet that was dumped in my virtual in-box earlier this week...

I'm not coming out.

... I set up a review call with the interested parties and there were minimal changes to be made. Once those were done it was fired back over The States for the Lead Team to consider. It is really frustrating that there are a number of people far better placed to perform this task but it has been left for me to progress. This is one of those tasks where I am constantly going to be asking the same people "is this OK?" and "what amount should be put in this cell?". It would be so much easier if those people were tasked with the job but, for some strange reason, it has been left with me.***

Away from work, Andy & Steve arrived promptly at nine ish and got stuck in to a busy day of drinking copious quantities of tea, demonstrating their pop knowledge and occasional painting. They have me well trained and I ensure that two cups of strong tea; one with two sugars, one with one and a half are delivered at twenty past ten. The tea is then ready for drinking as soon as the Radio 2 Pop Master quiz commences at half past the hour. By the end of the day all of the woodwork had been primed and undercoated and the walls and ceilings had at least one coat of emulsion applied. With a fair wind they should well have finished by the end of tomorrow and I can't wait to see what it looks like with the green we have chosen for the walls.

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* I thoughtfully cut air holes in the lid but am now wishing I didn't as there is now a strong aroma of stale piss emanating from this temporary cage.
** Maybe I should have put more thought in to that metaphor
*** reading between the lines it is because those people are shite.

Looking for grip

Over the past couple of days I may have found my solutioning mojo. The only problem is that, whilst I may have found it, I haven't yet reached it, as it has scuttled under a cupboard and is peering out at me in a "there is no way I want to get involved in that" kind of way...

... On Tuesday I did what I had committed to and prepared a draft plan of the activities that we need to complete to get this deal signed. I dutifully tarted up the spreadsheet with lots of colour and formatting to disguise the fact that it was a very limited amount of work and set up a call to get it reviewed and agreed. I then attended a call with the American Sales Lead who promptly advised that we would be delivering our proposal to the client at least one week earlier than had previously been stated which meant that my plan now needed to be withdrawn and redrafted ... Bugger! 

I also learnt that the client wants us to revise our Service and deliver against more aggressive Service Levels, a draft of these was provided. At least I was on firm ground here and within 30 minutes of the call ending I had spoken to our Subject Matter Expert on SLAs and she had agreed to take a look at them and provide an impact analysis. She went on to say that my timing was perfect as she was about to issue a general communication advising that her team should carry out a review of this type on all future deals ... Result!

After Monday's inability to achieve anything, I realised that this was the high to finish on so I  switched off the laptop and returned to the cleaning and polishing of the oak fire surround in the dining room.*

This morning the mojo was still lurking under the cupboard, out of reach, and appeared to have made a nest. I swear it winked**at me as I tried to grasp it and then resumed it's nibbling on a discarded dog biscuit. When I get hold of the little sod ...

... Today was mostly filled with the redrafting of plans and the development of a baseline spreadsheet that no-one else wanted to step up and own. This is one of those jobs that most definitely needs to be reviewed and approved by a number of people but not one of them is willing to actually put pen to paper so muggins here is left to do the donkey work! I re-worked my draft plan and had it reviewed and, other than a few tweaks, it stood up well to scrutiny. This project is going to be filled with challenges as there is limited time to pull the solution together and the period of peak activity coincides with the half term holiday so SMIs*** are going to be in short supply. In my recent appraisal I had some feedback that suggested that I could come across as being negative**** so I decided to use the word "challenging" and leave it at that.

The call finished and the sun appeared to be loitering in the vicinity of the yard arm so, again, the laptop was switched off and I whizzed over to the DIY store to get some paint mixed for the Dining Room...

... Yes, Andy & Steve make an appearance tomorrow.

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* There is a lot of it and it has many mouldings and spindles, so my approach has been a section at a time.
** I said "WINKED"!
*** SMI: Subject Matter Idiot, an individual paid for a level of expertise they do not actually possess. Coincidentally their level of knowledge is directly proportional to the amount of work the do.
**** This is because I work with a bunch of delusional individuals who a) have no knowledge of how long a certain activity takes and b) don't really give a fuck anyway. This results in an endless chain of projects that can be summarised as trying to fit a quart in to a pint pot.

A bit of a struggle getting started

Since before Christmas, work has been very thin on the ground and this has meant that the organisation of my time has been very much left to me. I have pottered around the house, done immense work in the dining room, walked the dogs frequently and unhurriedly and, as a last resort, have progressed a series of leadership training modules. It now looks like this regime is going to change significantly as my latest project has just surfaced from it's midwinter slumber and is starting to stretch it's sleep stiffened limbs...

... it is the same pile of shite that I was playing around with in October and November last year. The client has finally decided that we are it's IT Outsourcer of choice and we are to provide them with a firm price this time. The Sales Team optimistically think they will have this signed, sealed and delivered by the end of March.*

The trickle of e-mails started in the middle of last week and I did what any conscientious Project Manager would do and ignored them until a budget was made available for me to book my time to. It now appears that a measly few pounds has been made available and I am now to make a start on planning this phase of the engagement...

... Do you know, after so many weeks of floating around doing what I pleased, combined with a ten day Christmas Break, I found it very hard to do anything constructive today. I attended a call with the EMEA Sales Lead, committed myself to reviewing an American plan and drafting something for Europe that lines up with the key dates. I did fuck all for the rest of the day but am hoping that guilt will kick in early tomorrow and I will actually justify the hours that I plan to put down in Dante's electronic time sheet.

If I am honest I am actually a morning person and tend to use my afternoons for the quick, less complex elements of my work. I also like to think before I act, so an afternoon call was never going to have me chomping at the bit and rushing head long in to a flurry of activity. This evening will allow me to mull over a few things and I am hopeful of a significant change in attitude that will result in me knocking up my draft plan tomorrow morning.**

 And that is about it; a day spent procrastinating instead of actually doing any work. I reserved my productive urges for domestic activities and made a start on waxing the fire surround in the dining room. As you can see from the pictures, there is quite a lot of it.

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* That may well be true for my colleagues in North America and Asia but the Europeans are already muttering about crappy service and the need to see a sustained improvement before they will think about putting pen to paper.  See also foot note below.
** Oh look, Gloucester Old Spots in the South Western sky at an altitude of 2,000' !