A Letter from America

Friday 23rd August

We were out of bed shortly after five o'clock this morning as we needed to be at Birmingham by seven to check in for the 8.55 United Airlines flight to Newark. 

Seven or so hours later we emerged from US Customs and caught a shuttle bus to the Affinia Dumont Hotel at the junction of Lexington and East 34th Street. Our suite is up on the 17th floor and has views of the Chrysler Building only eight blocks away to the East. 

After dumping our bags we headed out and made out first tentative exploration of NYC. The Empire State Building is a couple of blocks West of our hotel and we passed it as we headed up towards Times Square. We dipped in and out of Stores as we wandered and Macy's was one of our stops. Jet lag and general tiredness started to kick in and we looped back via the Chrysler Building as we headed back towards our hotel. 

I feel that I should give my initial impression of New York City and basically it is a city, ignore the hype and that is exactly what it is; a city, no more, no less. I'm not saying I dislike it but it is just a large city with it's particular set of land marks and customs and I look forward to exploring it over the next few days. 

So far I can report that the hamburger I ate at a nondescript delicatessen was amazingly tasty and put British "gourmet"  burgers to shame, I was delighted to find 10 dollars on the sidewalk as I wandered the streets and ecstatic when I discovered that the local Deli sells Leffe Blond ...

... Belgian Lager and Summer in New York City, is there a better way to start a holiday. 

And I haven't even mentioned the topless  young lady I encountered in Times Square!

Life Events

Thursday 22nd August

Today was significant for both TP and me. In the case of my one and only son, it was GCSE results day, whilst in my case it was my last 
"working day" in The Nine Circles of Hell. 

The plan was for 30% to take TP in to school to collect his results whilst I loaded T & M in to the back of the Defender and took them over to the kennels where they will spend the next twelve days in the eccentric care of Chris and Yvonne. 

Theoretically both missions should have had the same duration so I was slightly concerned to return to an empty house. My mind went in to overdrive and I started to imagine worst case scenarios. Basically TP needed a minimum of B grades to allow him to enter the Sixth Form and study the A-level subjects of his choice. Unfortunately he had not bothered to develop a back- up plan so if he had failed to make the grades we had half a day to make alternative study arrangements.

I am delighted to say there was no need as they arrived home twenty minutes after me and reported a fine set of results with TP attaining his predicted grades in all of his subjects...

...so he will be studying maths, physics, chemistry and music technology when term starts in a couple of weeks. 

After sincere congratulations and 'phone calls to grand parents we lunched and then I headed over to The Nearest Circle of Hell to return my lap top and pass. 

Fortunately my manager was not able to make the trip to see me off in person and had tefloned this task to a far more pleasant manager. We chatted as he ticked off the various items on his check list and it became apparent that he thought my decision to leave was wise. We also learnt that we both worked for the Inland Revenue at the same time and that he managed the DCS Engineer who provided much of the on site support for the systems and infrastructure I managed in Nottingham back in the 1990's...

... It is a small world!

I finally left the Nine Circles of Hell after a farewell chat with Grand Dad Jack* and headed in to Redditch to collect the oven element. 

It will therefore come as no surprise to learn that I then spent half an hour sprawled on the kitchen floor putting the oven back together. 

The remainder of the day was predictable too as holiday preparations were completed ...

... We have an early morning flight out of Birmingham to New York tomorrow. 

---
*I will miss the old sod. 

I love it when a plan comes together ...

... unfortunately today it was a case of almost, but not quite !

A few weeks ago an element failed in one of our ovens and, from previous experience, I was aware that I was looking at a sum in the region of one hundred and twenty pounds to get a man out to fix it. For this expenditure all I would get was a new oven element installed and I thought I might be able to get better value for my money with a fairly simple plan.

I ordered the element from the cooker manufacturer and once I knew approximately when it would arrive I booked in a mobile cooker cleaning service to come and give the beast a damned good going over. My plan was simple; during the cooker cleaning the oven would be dismantled and cleaned and all I had to do was halt proceedings for five minutes whilst I installed the new element and Bob's your Uncle' I would have a sparkly and fully functioning cooker for about the same price I had been quoted to come and install a twenty quid element.

This morning a very nice Gentleman arrived at The Pile and spent a good four hours giving our range cooker a thorough valeting and was more than happy for me to interrupt proceedings to install the new element ...

...Unfortunately the morons that manufactured the cooker managed to dispatch the wrong element despite being provided with both model and serial numbers. A quick phone call ensured a replacement would be here in the next few days but I now have the internal components of one of our ovens forming an interesting art installation on the kitchen worktop until it arrives.

The Completer/Finisher in me wasn't happy with this state of affairs so I headed in to Redditch to see if the local Domestic Appliance Spares Shop had an element in stock ...

... "it'll be here tomorrow Mate" was the reply I received. I ordered it working on the principal that it is always useful to have a spare and this way the oven will be restored to full functionality before we head off for our Summer Holiday.

I'm guessing that tomorrow could be a very busy day what with packing, dropping T&M off at the kennels, collecting TP's GCSE results, returning my laptop to the nearest circle of hell AND fixing the cooker.

Other Stuff

TP arrived home after his few days away in Cornwall and we "christened" the pristine hob by cooking the puff ball that I foraged a couple of days ago. It was lovely sliced, coated with bread crumbs and pan fried in butter. We served the mushroom slices topped with fried eggs and accompanied by home cured bacon.

It was very much a home made supper.

On becoming the invisible man ...

The main activity on this morning's agenda was my Exit Interview with my manager. It came as no surprise that this was completed with a complete lack of flair and a minimum of interpersonal skills on his part and basically involved him reading items from his managerial checklist with the occasional pause for me to provide the appropriate confirmation.

After 15 minutes were were finished and I was somewhat taken aback to find myself formally placed on Garden Leave with clear instructions not to enter any of the Circles of Hell without prior permission from a Daemon. Neither was I allowed to have any "business contact" with any of my colleagues from that point forward. Within moments of my interview ending an email arrived in my inbox covering the terms of my Garden Leave and, with the exception of the final sentence which thanked me for my contribution , the rest of the letter read like I was under suspicion of committing the most heinous of crimes ... Fucking Charming!

I finished off a couple of final deliverables and took one final peep at my inbox. It was interesting to note that my Manager had cancelled my access to an application that allows remote access to my email. Under the terms of my Garden Leave I am to "remain available for [Dante's] to communicate with" so how the hell does that work? 

My manager cancelled my mobile phone* over a week ago and has now removed my ability to access e-mail from home. How the fuck am I supposed to make myself available for Dante's to communicate with? Perhaps I am to use this spare time to develop my telepathic powers!

I should point out that I need to meet up with another manager at the nearest Circle of Hell on Thursday to return my laptop and at present only know the time of the interview as a room number was missing from the invitation ...

... Looks like I had better brush up on the mind reading skills pronto!

Feeling slightly bruised by this unnecessarily brusque handling of my final couple of days I wandered away from the laptop and decided to do something else instead ...

... I crammed myself in to my leathers, hauled the Ducati from the garage and headed over to a Vehicle Bodywork Company in Bidford on Avon to get a quote for the repairs to my recently scuffed fairing panel. I had a lengthy chat with a much tattooed gentlemen who introduced himself as "Dagger" and it was agreed that I should leave the spray job until the beginning of Winter and then drop off the damaged panels for him to paint at his leisure. His estimate for this work was a very economical eighty quid.

I left Bidford and then headed over towards the Nearest Circle of Hell in the hope of persuading Grand Dad Jack to come out for a natter, as he had frequently expressed an interest in perusing my bike. It came as no surprise that GJ was away from his desk on one of his extended tea breaks and consequently he was not answering his 'phone.

I headed back home and after putting my bike away I took T&M for our usual walk around the Three Miler arriving home to find 30% putting the finishing touches to supper.

I'm really not sure how I feel about today.

---

* This is the 'phone that I bought but that he refuses to allow to be "unlocked' from Dante's preferred cell 'phone provider. I wonder how annoyed he would be to know that the handset is now unlocked and my new Sim card has been accepted. There are several ways to skin a cat.

Why are you carrying an Ostrich Egg?

As to be expected, things are very quiet as I walk towards the perimeter of the Nine Circles of Hell. Consequently my most significant deliverable this morning was a Bolognaise Sauce that was later piled on a heap of spaghetti for supper this evening.

As the morning petered out I took an early lunch and then headed over to the local DIY store to pick up a few bags of dry mix concrete. It was then a trundle over to BMS's residence where the aforementioned concrete was wetted and mixed before being applied to his drive to form a more gentle ramp in to his garage ...

... apparently his mobility scooter is the lowered suspension model and it bottoms out when he enters the garage at speed.

All being well, he should be able to make high speed departures once the concrete has set in a couple of days time.

The remainder of the day was as quiet as the morning. I had a brief kip on the sofa before heading out around the Three Miler with T&M. As I wandered along the lanes I saw a white, almost spherical shape in the verge and headed over for a closer inspection. I was delighted to find a fresh puffball mushroom and carefully pried it loose from the earth as they make good eating. I spent the remainder of the walk looking like I was carrying the spoils from an Ostrich nest raid.

30% and I are alone at present as TP is spending a few days in Cornwall with one of his friends but we were joined this evening by Sally the Upholsterer with the curtains for the dining room. We had a pleasant evening catching up on each others news although it would be fair to say that Sally has had a rough time recently.

Supervision Needed?

For the past few days 30% hasn't felt quite right and after a morning wandering around the shops in Worcester we returned home and she took to her bed. It soon became apparent that she had picked up a bug and I was left pretty much to my own devices with regard to catering and entertainment.

The entertainment was easily covered and I lost most of the afternoon to a hideously long snooze on the sofa. I then attempted to banish the post siesta drowsiness with a walk but rain drops started to fall from a leaden sky and the Three Miler was more accurately described as the Three Quarter Miler this evening.

I then needed to prepare "Dinner for One" and, after a wander around the kitchen, settled upon a omelette as eggs were in plentiful supply. Four eggs, a slice of ham and some cheese were rapidly formed in to a perfect omelette and a couple of chunks of crusty bread provided a perfect accompaniment to this sofa supper.

As I pondered the variety of sweet and savoury fillings that can be folded in to an omelette I wondered whether Marmite would work.

Is this what they mean by Garden Leave ?

I had one and one half days of annual leave to take before I emerge from the Nine Circles of Hell in to the blinding sunrise of a new job. Yesterday afternoon and all day today have been strategically booked to dissuade any of my colleagues or managers from attempting to give me anything to do. My logic is as follows ...

... No-one is going to expect anything much from me  in the last week, or rather 4 days, of my penury in Dante's Inferno. However, in my penultimate week, the Daemons might be less forgiving, so I have booked my remaining leave to minimise their opportunities for giving me work.*

Before I recount today's activities I probably need to fill in my activities over the past few weeks. Basically I decided to take Garden Leave whether Dante's liked it or not. My approach was as follows; I decided to perform the bare minimum that I assumed would avoid me being on the receiving end of any irritating complaints. This involved me dialling in to the early morning team call where I announced my presence. I then said nothing more unless I was asked a direct question. Needless to say, none were asked and my interpretation of this was that I was not required for the rest of the day and I metaphorically wandered off to do something far more interesting.***

Obviously I didn't have a Team Call today and, after a leisurely breakfast, I dealt with a few items of personal paperwork and accounting before heading over to Bad Man Senior's residence. The plan for today was to collect BMS, several lengths of timber and his decrepit garden gate. All being well the timber would get assembled to form a new gate and BMS and I would have a relatively relaxing day pottering in the garage with a leisurely lunch roughly around the mid point ...

... and that is exactly what we did. By four o'clock I was loading a new garden gate on to the Defender's roof rack and we headed back to the BMS residence where the gate dropped neatly on to the original hinge pins. After a swift cup of tea courtesy of SMS I attached the latch and bolt and the gate was as good as new.

All I need to do now is spend and hour or so tidying up the garage.

---

* According to their own "guidelines" I should be on Garden Leave but for reasons kept to themselves they seem content to leave me "working" ** on a Client Engagement.
** Snigger!
*** My lawn looks lovely and there is nothing better than an hour's kip on the sofa on a warm afternoon.

Where are we going to hang it?

Saturday started with a trip over to the picture framer to collect the small oil painting that we acquired at Littleton Auction a month ago. It looks fantastic now it has been framed and all we need to do now is decide on where to hang it.

After collecting the painting from Evesham we headed over to Redditch where 30% attended an eye test and I decided to refresh elements of my work wardrobe. After all, I suppose I had better look the part in view of the fact that any reputation I had means very little to my new employer.

We arrived home in time for lunch and then I have to admit both 30% and I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I awoke as the heat of the day started to wane and took T&M out for a circuit of the Three Miler. Upon my return it was time to tidy myself up as we had decided to sample the menu at one of the Pubs in the Village.

It is well over a year since we last visited this Hostelry and it has had troublesome times. Tenant after tenant has failed to make a viable business of it and in the past few months the freehold was finally sold. It has been purchased by a local couple and they have made a sound start on re-establishing the business. They have tidied up the entrance, designed a simple but elegant pub grub menu and appear to run it with a level of enthusiasm borne making a significant investment.

We had a good meal in pleasant surroundings and I took slight pleasure in noting that, as we left after our meal, The Bull's Head appeared to have significantly more trade than the other pub sat on the Village Green.

There are some Tossers about

At present the Engagement is in a phase of back-to-back telephone calls each and every day. The calls are to establish requirements and hopefully the client will actually decide not only what they want but also when they want it too.

"Now," I hear you ask "why would one be interested in attending these calls?" Initially I had the same thoughts; Why would I want and sit with a phone glued to my ear listening to material that had no real importance to me? Especially after the delightful prospect of Garden Leave lay shattered like a crystal glass impacting on a cold stone floor. These are all very good and valid points but the way I see it is as follows ...

... If I MUST continue to work on this deal then spending all day on a conference call is the least worst option. All I do is dial in, announce my name and say absolutely nothing for the remainder of the call. I leave the windbags at Dante's to fill each sixty minute slot with noise that I pay no heed.This leaves me time to have Instant Messenger conversations with friends and colleagues and explore and progress the activities I need to complete as part of my exit plan.*

After all, if I have spent seven hours of the day on a series of conference calls it would be churlish in the extreme to expect a significant output of work products in the same time frame.**

So that is how I propose to fill the remaining fourteen working days at Dante's. Actually this number has now been reduced to twelve and one half working days as my complete and utter bell-end of a manger has finally deigned to respond to my Exit Plan e-mail and it is fair to say that a couple of his responses have annoyed me somewhat but he did grudgingly confirm that my leave had been pro rated and that I had an extra day and a half to book.

First I had better explain that, after giving notice on Monday, I was advised that he needed forty eight hours to get things in motion. I felt that this period expired around midday on Wednesday and so was somewhat disappointed to hear nothing at all. After all, I am only going to resign from Dante's once while he, as a manager, should be expected to experience it on a number of occasions. *** I didn't know what processes should be taking place and was looking to him for guidance. Actually a formal acknowledgement of my resignation would have been polite and professional too.

In this information vacuum I started to work my way through my perceived set of exit actions and fired off a few e-mails to my manager with pertinent questions. All I got back was a holding reply which told me nothing. I then picked up on a conference call**** an utterance that suggested that my manager was off work next week. I therefore sent him an e-mail asking for a formal response to my questions and nomination of a managerial deputy during his absence.

In response I got a snotty email that carried the absolute bare minimum of information and there was one answers that infuriated me ...

... I asked if I would be allowed to port my work mobile 'phone number when I left Dante's. I also asked if my 'phone bought by me through a company scheme could be unlocked thereby allowing me a wider choice of service providers after departure. I should say at this point that both of these requests are documented as permissible in the Leaving Dante's Checklist.

I was therefore somewhat taken aback when he replied advising that in the circumstances he was not prepared to authorise. Now I can grudgingly accept that he might decline porting my 'phone number as there could be a conflict of interest due to the relationship between Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers but I can see absolutely no reason for him not authorising the unlocking of my handset. The phone is my personal property and is restricted to a particular Service Provider because it was bought through a company scheme. There is no conflict of interest in allowing me a wider choice of mobile 'phone services in the future.

Basically he is either taking a dog in a manger attitude or just doesn't have the intellect to have understood what I am actually asking for.

Still, as they say, there are several ways to skin a cat and I am now in possession of the IMEI number that will allow me to choose any provider I like.

It is annoying about the number porting though.

---

* There is probably a goodly chunk of cyberloafing too. That is a lovely turn of phrase
** Pot calling the Kettle Black? ... possibly
*** actually, the way things are looking, he could be doing it a lot more in the next few months
**** amazing that I was actually listening!

A Bleak Outlook for Some?

It is fair to say that my plans for a long Summer off work have come to naught and a managerial decision has been made that I will continue in my current role for the next two weeks; working alongside the chaps who will take over. I still don't get to escape then as I am required to hang around like some moth eaten chimp* in a supporting role until I finally emerge from the Circles of Hell on 22nd August.

Apparently a certain Idiot Manager has decided that my departure bears no significant risk** to the Engagement hence I am to stay in post. What this really means is that Dante's is critically short of people following their recent cull of personnel and basically they haven't got a pot to piss in when it comes to resourcing. It is a very strange place to be working at present and it is not only the cull that is impacting staffing. A number of key managers are moving on and then there are the occasional voluntary departures like mine.

Now the news that I am leaving is out in the open a number of colleagues have commented that I am doing the right thing and have intimated, some more openly than others, that they, or people they know, are thinking about doing the same. A discussion with a manager revealed that he had lost over 22 people in the cull. Each and everyone of them had gone on to find a new role with an increased salary. One of them achieved a 100% pay rise. I asked him if he had managed to retain a critical mass to allow him to continue delivering his function. He looked me in the eye and simply said "I am fucked".

So what of the future at the Nine Circles of Hell? I don't know but I do know that they are in for some interesting times over the next few months. The current climate and environment is doing a fantastic job in increasing my certainty that changing my job was the right thing to do. People are leaving, the Sales Pipeline has reduced to a trickle of stagnant waste, the Industry is changing and there is no clear direction from the Senior Daemons on how The Nine Circles of Hell will respond.

So, I suppose the question is how am I going to fill my last three weeks at Dante's? I am attempting to limit my rock pushing activities to the traditional nine 'til five and ensure that my Exit Plan activities take precedence. I managed to take up almost all of a working day yesterday with the setting up of my replacement lap top ...

... I have fifteen working days to go and still have one and a half days of holiday to build in to that.

---

* and that is exactly what I propose to do. I will sit there with a look of disdain on my face, picking things both real and imaginary from my pelt, examining each one in detail before either eating it or flicking it across the cage.
** so the fact that I have no sense of investment in, or ownership of, the engagement combined with the fact that it is very difficult to fill a leadership role when you won't actually be available to lead a force out on to the battlefield aren't seen as risks ... Hmmm ?

I finally did it

After ten long weeks, which featured a traumatic telephone interview and an amazing face to face encounter, I have finally received written confirmation of the offer of a job as Shifter Junior at The Neat & Tidy Piano Movers and have been able to submit my resignation to Dante's Nine Circles of Hell.

It is fair to say that my First Line Manager was somewhat taken aback by my news and after a significant period of spluttering and expressing disappointment he finally got with the programme and recognised my reasons for moving on. I confirmed my notice in an email and also put a paper copy in an envelope and wandered down to the post box. Talk about thorough, about the only way I haven't delivered my resignation is via the medium of dance!

I think it is fair to say that I have little interest in the future of the current project and am hoping that a replacement will be assigned within the next forty eight hours. Dante's has quite sensible rules about putting resignees in close association with customers and I am hoping to use this to my advantage and finagle a period of garden leave.

It will be great if I can blag a six week summer holiday, roll on Wednesday to see if this plan comes to fruition.

Weekend Round Up

Saturday started very early and I was pottering around the house shortly after six o'clock. The hot humid weather is still with us and once I am awake I tend not to be able to fall back to sleep hence I have been seeing some very early mornings recently. I pottered for a while and was joined at a surprisingly early* eight o'clock by 30%. After sharing a few moments and thoughts whilst we both drank coffee, I headed out for a circuit of the Three Miler with T&M.

I was back at home by nine and had time for another cup of coffee before we headed over to the Auction House. At last night's viewing we had seen a number of interesting lots including a 17th Century, reproduction oak sideboard. It probably dates from the 1950's but was a perfect size and colour for the Dining Room and consequently warranted being at the auction in person rather than relying on a commission bid and loosing the lot.

Basically the sideboard was coming home with us and it did along with a second oak sideboard, an amazing set of bellows, a iron and brass balance on a wooden stand and a couple of porcelain figurines.

A Twisted Fire Starter?

Sideboard number one just fitted inside 30%'s Seat and we took it and a few of the smaller items as we made our way home for lunch. After we had eaten, TP and I unloaded the sideboard and left 30% applying a coat of wax polish as we returned to Littleton to pick up the rest of the loot.

By the time we got home again 30% had just about finished cleaning up the piece and  we shifted it in to the dining room where it looks perfect.

I now had some free time so I headed out to the garage where I finally finished the restoration of the Victorian garden bench. It is fair to say that there was some swearing and use of a Spanish Windlass to get the final bolts in place but it looks lovely and now has pride of place on the terrace beneath the dining room window.

After a full day the evening was spent on the sofa watching a movie** before retiring to bed.

After Saturday's early start, Sunday was a refreshing change. I managed to go back to sleep after waking at five and was dragged from, my slumber at a pleasant eight o'clock by 30%, who came bearing coffee and news that the chickens had been let out and the dogs emptied.

We had a leisurely start to the day and headed over to the Rugby Club as ten o'clock approach. TP had a training session and we had decided to take T&M for a walk over the woods and fields of a local estate as an alternative to their usual loop around the Three Miler. After a fine walk in the sun we headed back to the club, collected TP and returned home for lunch.

I may as well end this post here and now as, after eating, I wandered in to the lounge and promptly fell asleep on the sofa for two hours. I awoke with that groggy feeling of having slept for far too long and set about filling in the raft of forms that arrived in the Kat's package ...

... Having completed that it was time to get ready for a short drive out for Sunday Dinner. The justification for this was partly in celebration of my recent news and partly because 30% couldn't be arsed to cook.  We had a table reserved at The Why Not but up on arrival is was apparent that the table was right in the centre of a Christening Party and the chance of a free slice of cake did not make amends for the chaos that would be all around us. We politely declined the table and headed down the road and stopped, in desperation, at The Neville Arms ...

... That was a big mistake. We hadn't eaten there for eight years or more and I now remember why. The food was very poor; lacking taste and having the appearance of being hastily assembled. 30% expected a starter of mushrooms served on a toasted wholemeal crouton but what she actually received was mushrooms that normally garnish the steak dishes, drowned in a steak sauce and sitting on a slice of soggy white bread.

Rest assured that the proper celebration dinner is yet to be arranged.

---

* for her
** The Shipping News

A letter from the Kat

The plan for Friday was to cross off half a dozen items from my to do list before knocking off at a reasonable time and heading over to preview the lots at Littleton Auctions ...

... and that is basically what happened. End of Journal entry.

... apart from the fact that the letter from the Kat was finally stuffed through the letter box sustaining a minor tear to one corner in the process. I eagerly pounced on this package and started to leaf through it's contents. All looked well and I could finally start to implement plans that I had been assembling in my head for six weeks at the very least.

At this point I'll make an interesting observation. I pinged two senior Daemons at Dante's to discuss the implications of the package from the Kat. One of these Daemons works outside my immediate Circle of Hell and our paths haven't formally crossed for the best part of eighteen months. She was more than happy to hear from me and accepted a call within five or ten minutes of my initial instant message.* The other senior Daemon was my second line manager. I first pinged her at eleven in the morning requesting a short call. She eventually responded a little after four advising that she would take a call at half past the hour. I pointed out that her suggested timing was no good for me as I had an Engagement Kick-Off call to host so decided to spread my news using the medium of the Instant Messenger application.

As she crawled from the crater left by my bombshell she was seen to type the message "Oh Lord" followed by "You have shocked me". With her attention finally captured we actually managed to have a call shortly after five in the evening.**

It was pleasant but it doesn't change anything.

---

* That's one reference sorted
** For quite some time I have had the impression that 2nd LM operates a system whereby her deals fall in to one of two divisions. If you are in the Premier League then her time is yours. If you happen to work a deal in the lower division then don't hold your breath.

Girding my loins

Wednesday and Thursday has been spent preparing the team for the ordeal we are about to embrace. There is much to do, little time to achieve it and a stunning lack of detail about how we are to reach our target.

I am doing my best to add structure and focus but, for reasons that will shortly become apparent, I am also trying to keep away from much of the detail on this engagement. Part of the reason for this is that I have an incredibly capable second-in-command and he knows the Technical details far better than I do, having spent more than three months embedded with the Delivery Teams. With only five weeks until we deliver our proposal, I was never going to gain an understanding equivalent to his so I have let him wear the horn rimmed spectacles and I have donned the flying helmet and silk scarf and have taken on the role of dashing squadron leader ...

... unfortunately this is likely to be one of those roles where I die unexpectedly half way through the film.*

I suppose I should point out that I arrived back at The Pile on Wednesday after a couple of days in the South. There is still no sign of the parcel from The Kat but I am sure that it will be along before the end of the week.

So after two long days of hassling, harrying, organising, coaxing and cajoling I just about have an International Team informed and poised ready to start developing a Global Services solution.

OK, I'll stop bullshitting. This one is showing all the warning signs of yet another Train Wreck courtesy of Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and their comedy approach to Outsourcing.

---

* or perhaps disappear in a Pea Souper somewhere over The Channel with no signs of wreckage or flotsam when the sun breaks through.

Atmosphere changes

Tuesday involved an early start. I was out of the house by six thirty and wandering around a Business Park in stormy Uxbridge well before nine o'clock in the morning.

It was a bloody frustrating day. Tim Nice-but-Dim likes to have me around as some form of security blanket and, as a result, I have to adopt his working pattern. He is the proverbial cuckoo and flits from vacant room to vacant room, moving whenever people, who have actually bothered to book a facility, turn up and glare at us interlopers.

I do not like this approach. It is unstructured, certainly not conducive to effective working and fundamentally fucking rude. If I add in the fact that I could not achieve network connectivity in the client office it is fair to say that I spent a good chunk of my morning hanging on Tim N-b-D's coat tails and achieving sweet FA.

As a result I spent as much time as possible down the road at a relatively convenient Circle of Hell where I could at least receive emails and contact work colleagues.*

The most significant news of the day is that there appears to be some Client in-fighting about what is to be delivered and by when. As a result our time line has been contracted by two weeks and we now need to have our Proposal ready when a number of significant team members, including myself, are on holiday. To make matters worse we still have no clear requirements from the client and, if they manage to pull their finger out, I estimate that we will have about one week to refine our solution before we need to take it through the arduous series of gate reviews prior to release.

This is obviously far from good and both Dante's team and the Client's consultants recognise this but, for the moment it looks like the Client Procurement Director will have his way.

I have played this game enough times to know that there is no point in baulking and all I can do is attempt to define a deliverable that we stand half a chance of delivering in the limited time available.**

I also learnt an important lesson today. Never leave an office in the Greater London conurbation at five thirty in the evening ...

... five miles in one hour! I needed that double G&T in the hotel bar when I finally got there.

---

*"Ah! ..." I hear you say; "surely your iPhone was working?" ... and you would be correct but there is no way that I would regard it as an effective substitute for a full blown laptop. They are great for single sentence communications ... Think Twitter or Facebook status updates but there is no way on earth that you would want to draft a detailed email on one.
** whilst at the same time expecting an extension when sanity finally prevails.

A call from the Kat

I spent most of my working day with a telephone pressed against the side of my head. As a result any incoming calls were directed to the answerphone. The working day had just about finished and I was wandering aimlessly about the house simply enjoying the relative freedom granted by not having to sit in front of a laptop and listen to middle management prattle ...

... As I walked in to the kitchen I saw 30% listening intently to a telephone handset. She made the international gesture* that indicated that I should shut the fuck up and not interrupt her.

The message was from The Kat. It is good news and it looks like I should be getting a parcel through the post in the next few days.

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* an outstretched arm, palm face down, fingers loosely spread and firmly patting the head of an invisible child.

A long & full weekend

I'm not sure whether I have been too hot and tired to sit  at a keyboard and write recently or whether I have just misplaced my blogging mojo. I feel that the entries are becoming a little samey and my lack of inclination to write means my entries are certainly less frequent than usual hence this one is a case of three days in one ...

Friday; Hot Dogs anyone?
Today we were out of the house early and spent the day at the CLA Game Fair at Ragley Hall near Alcester, Warwickshire. We had a splendid day wandering around the various retail stands and exhibitions but Christ was it Hot! The sun was shining from a cloudless sky and out in the full sun temperatures were well above 30 degrees centigrade.

We took T&M along, as dogs are welcome, and they coped well in the morning but seemed grateful when we doused them with water at lunch time in an attempt to cool them down. As the temperatures continued to climb through the afternoon, soaking the dogs became a regular activity to keep them comfortable. Fortunately there were dog baths and showers all over the showground and we even found a dog swimming pool, so this was never a problem. However, as we tired and headed back towards the car, it was apparent that Tyson had had enough of the heat as she insisted on walking in the shade of the trade tents wherever possible.

We also noticed that, despite the presence of dog water bowls at most of the stands and stalls, T&M refused to drink from any of them; waiting until we got back to the car to drink from the water we had brought along. I find it interesting that they will drink from puddles and ditches out around the Three Miler but turn up their noses at a bowl of water that some other dog has used.

Saturday; Pushing a couple of projects forward
Saturday started cool and overcast which was a relief after yesterday's scorcher. I made the best of the lower temperatures and decided that I would load up the trailer and take the debris from last weekend's studly demolition to the tip ...

... How wrong was I! The humidity levels were high and it was still very warm. TP and I were dripping with sweat after lugging the demolished fireplace from the study to the trailer. On arrival at the Tip it was apparent that very few individuals were stupid enough to be undertaking manual work on such a warm day. We soon had the rubbish unloaded and were headed back home.

In the afternoon I continued my debris clearance theme and took the chainsaw to some lengths of hardwood timber that had originally formed the mantel shelf of the study fireplace. It seemed wrong to be hacking up 60mm thick hardwood but the realist in me knows that I will never find a use for it and it is far better cut up in to chunks and added to the wood pile.

Having made a lot of noise and saw dust I headed over to the DIY store to pick up some hardware for the bench project and stopped off to see BMS & SMS on the way back home. I filched an extra length of oak board for the project and caught up on their news whilst drinking tea and playing with a very excitable Tilly.

I arrived back home to find that 30% had been busy in the garden but had had to abort her pruning activities after a falling branch had caught her eye as it fell from a laurel she was trimming. She wasn't making a fuss but having had a scratched cornea a couple of years back I was extremely conscious of how painful it can be and would not be surprised if a visit to A&E is in the offing.

I filled the remainder of my afternoon and early evening planing and trimming the oak boards that would form the seat and back for the restored Victorian bench.

Sunday: A trip to A&E
Unfortunately it came as no surprise that 30%'s eye was no better and a trip to A&E was necessary. My amateur diagnosis was confirmed by the professionals and it looks like 30% is in for a few painful days sat in a darkened room until the cornea heals.

Fortunately A&E was fairly quiet but I will make mention of the couple who brought in their baby for medical attention. They were obviously sufficiently concerned enough about their infant to decide that a trip to Casualty was warranted. However not so concerned about this emergency that they couldn't afford the time to pop through McDonald's Drive Thru and pick up a couple of coffees on the way to the hospital! I kid you not, they swanned in to A&A in their Sunday best with a Latte in one hand and the other on the bars of the baby's stroller! ... is it me?

We arrived home shortly before midday and 30%'s plan was, understandably, to not do much more than snooze in a darkened room. We therefore lunched early and she was about to disappear upstairs when Steve and Helen arrived ...

... it was only a fleeting visit from Helen as she had a supermarket visit on her itinerary but she called in to say "hello" and collect her gate-cum-wicket that I had made last weekend. It was a relief that my design aligned with her concept and all she has to do now is apply a chalk paint and decorate ... Steve has promised photos of the finished article.

Steve expected to be at The Pile somewhat longer as it was planned that he would repair the scratches on the Ducati's fairing. Unfortunately his visit was fleeting too as  a colour match could not be found. He did recommend a Body Shop a few miles away and it looks like I will need to get them to order paint from the manufacturer rather than go with the colour match approach.

The rest of my day was spent routing and sanding the timber for the bench and I managed to apply a few coats of exterior furniture oil before returning to the house to prepare dinner under 30%'s beady eye.*

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* Note "beady eye", singular. The other one was less beady and more sort of weepy.

Putting the cart before the horse.

The past three days have been as busy as Monday was quiet. The work load hasn't been excessive but my business days have been filled from end to end. I won't go in to detail as there is nothing of interest or import. We are at the early stages of a sales engagement and the Sales Executive is more of a relationship type than a strategist. Unfortunately he really needs to be both and it seems to fall to me to provide the strategic guidance.

To make matters worse he sounds just like the Tim Nice-but-Dim character created by Harry Enfield and every time he speaks I find myself picturing the upper class twit. I won't list his crimes here but it is worth pointing out that he can't even get the code name of the project right and refers to a maker of winter sporting equipment rather than the large migratory fish that gave the engagement its correct moniker.

So, what have I been up to over the mid part of the week? Most of my activities have revolved around the development of budgetary estimates and the rework of them as information provided by Tim Nice-but-Dim proves itself to be complete bollocks. I did take trip in to The Nearest Circle of Hell on Wednesday for a fascinating series of Vendor presentations by companies that are tendering to provide certain services on this deal. This in itself confused me and is yet another example of how confused this engagement seems to be. Let me explain ...

... I have only been assigned to the deal for a couple of weeks and it was apparent from the first meeting with the client that the final requirements are not yet established. We know the general nature of what we will be required to do as this is a contract renegotiation but there will be scope changes. I therefore do not understand why the engagement team felt confident of approaching Third Party Service Providers and asking them for their best and final price. Is it just me that thinks this is putting the cart before the horse?

There was a glimmer of light on Thursday when our Bid Manager finally joined the team. I am hoping that she will assist in giving the much needed structure to the team and I can start working with Tim NBD on what he wants to sell ensuring that he remembers that our budget is made up of what Dante's has managed to find down the backs of their collective sofas.

Outside of work I haven't done much. T&M have been walked whenever possible and this evening I took a trip over to Stratford to collect an oak ledge and brace door that I ordered to replace the one that current fills this role in the study. The door is a beauty but is a second reference to the title of this post as it is going to be a good few weeks before the study is anywhere near ready for second fix carpentry.

Tomorrow I have taken a day's holiday and we will be spending the day at the CLA Game Fair. It should be a fantastic day and one of those rare events where T&M will be most welcome.

With the current heat wave in full swing there is no need to pray for a sunny day.

Fortunately it was a slow day

Both TP and I had dental appointments this afternoon. The timing of these meant that much of the afternoon would be spent in sunny Bromsgrove either reading a magazine or attempting to force my body through the molecular structure of the chair in an attempt to escape the de-scaler ... I'm not a huge fan of the dentist.

In view of this enforced sojourn in a dental waiting room, I did my best to make good use of the time by dropping off my wheel rim and tyre up at MP Trading prior to the appointments. The tyre was fitted and balanced while we took turns in the dental chair and was collected before we drove home. It seems like I have been to the dentist every week for the past month following TP' s unfortunate accident with a beer bottle but I can now report that his treatment plan has been completed and, for once, my check up revealed no need for any additional work.

By the time I arrived home I had spent the entire afternoon away from my desk but fortunately it didn't look like I had been missed. I fitted the spare wheel back on the car and then headed out for a walk with T&M. Moving on to the subject of dogs, I can report that 30% has been repeatedly visiting a Poodle Rescue website recently as a young, cream dog has caught her eye. She finally bit the bullet this afternoon and rang the contact number ...

... after a long chat we have forms to complete and return to ascertain our suitability. We also need to know whether this lad is suitable for us, particularly in view of the fact that we have 1.8 cats* in residence.

30% asked why a ten month old dog was up for adoption and was advised that he had been previously owned by a couple with three children under four years old. He had not been given the attention or investment of time that he deserved and the family had now realised their mistake in acquiring a large energetic and excitable dog that needs daily exercise and regular grooming. Apparently the poor lad doesn't even know his own name.

This seems to be a case of someone having more money than sense.

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* if you are new to The Journal I will point out that Eddy** lost a hind leg and his tail as a result of a car accident five years ago hence he has been measured and judged 0.8 of a cat.
** Eddy percent ... just say it out loud.

A sunny day in a deckchair ... not!

First real task of the morning was to drive over to the Rugby Club and collect TP after a night under canvass with beer. He was surprisingly chipper due to a very sensible, self imposed abstinence and  seemed ready for his dish washing shift at the Hand Cart and Fortified Structure this afternoon.

Back at home I headed in to the garage to add the finishing touches to Helen's gate-cum-wicket. Having finished that I wandered in to the study where I decided that it was far too hot to fire up the wall paper stripper. I consequently decided to make a start on the far more relaxing task of demolishing the fireplace and ripping out the built in cupboard in the study. After a sweaty, dusty couple of hours the cupboard components were leant against one wall and the fireplace was now a pile of bricks on the hearth. The red mist of demolition had obviously descended as the picture rails were then torn from the walls and chucked on top of the heap of debris. Delighted by this scene of carnage I retired to the garden with a long, cool drink to plan the logistics of a tip run next weekend.

Lunch followed and then 30% and I headed over to pay another visit to Bad Man Senior and Step Mum Sue. The purpose of this visit was to raid their neighbour's bonfire for the huge quantity of firewood that was destined to burn in the open air rather than in a fireplace. We tutted about this lunacy and within half an hour had a decent pile of firewood cached in BMS's garden. Tea and birthday cake were then consumed before we liberated a few lengths of oak from BMS's garage for my garden bench project.

At home once more, we sunned ourselves in the garden before attending to poultry and dogs. The former have red mite and their coop needed spraying with insecticide, the latter needed and seemed to enjoy a cool bath ...

... I had quite forgotten that Tyson is black as opposed to a dark, dusty grey.