The Cuckoo

I need to preface this entry with a few details about my workspace preferences. For many years I "worked" for Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and for most of that penance I did not have an allocated desk at my designated workplace. Instead I used the nearest vacant "hot desk" whenever I needed to pop in to the office. This approach has many benefits for an employer. It is far cheaper than providing desk space for the entire workforce and is perfect for a flexible, mobile workforce. It also, by definition, re-enforces a "clear desk policy" ... After all who is going to bother putting up photos of loved ones and pets, arrange boxes of tissues, mount clipframed Industry Qualification certificates and stick Gonks across the top of a monitor only to have to remove them at the end of the working day.*

So to summarise; I have been used to sitting at a spartan workspace and leaving it clear of any belongings or paperwork at the end of the working day. To be honest I like the absence of clutter ... I guess it suits the minimalist side of my personality.

Here at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers things are different. I am free to work from home but I also have an allocated desk at an office a few miles down the road. I spend most of my time in my home office and tend to pop in to the proper office once a week. My desk at work reflects my ingrained habits and has the necessary tools but exhibits very little personalisation. There is a docking station for my laptop, a secondary screen, an IP phone, my trackball mouse, a Land Rover Mug and a teaspoon ...Oh, I forgot that it also has a small monotone image of my avatar taped to the divider that separates me from the adjacent workstation.

However I need to be clear that it is MY DESK and other inhabitants of the office space are well aware of this. They sit at their desks, I sit at mine. There are, I should mention, a number of vacant/unallocated desks in the area where I sit

So why is it that recently a chap has started to sit at my desk when I am not there? I first noticed this a few weeks back when I went to log on to my 'phone and noticed that the login screen showed someone elses logon details. It didnt take a rocket scientist to work it out and 30% confirmed that the "cuckoo" was starting to use my desk on a regular basis.

A couple of weeks ago I turned up at work and actually found the cheeky fucker sat in my seat. I am guessing that he could tell I wasnt impressed by the way I dumped my laptop bag alongside him and asked him to move while I had a quick chat with a colleague about a project. When I returned he had moved to one of the nearby vacant desks and, instead of offering an apology, advised that he rather liked the wide secondary screen that I have connected to my docking station.
Basically this cuckoo has an allocated desk in another part of the office but instead of using that he sits in my chair at my desk, using my equipment because he likes my shiny, secondary monitor. For some reason this really fucks me off!

I am guessing that I must be getting a bit territorial in my old age and he better fucking watch it because if he doesn't sod off back to his own desk he could well find me scent marking my desk and the environs in an attempt to keep him off my patch.

Although scent marking** my desk space was tempting I have decided that I actually quite like Piano Moving and would like to remain employed. I therefore decided to employ some slightly more sophisticated tactics to secure my patch. My first was quite simple ... I took a biro and penned the words "bad man's desk" at the bottom of the monotone print of my avatar that is pinned to the desk divider.

I then heard a conversation that suggested that the cuckoo might have OCD tendencies as he avoids touching hand rails on stairs "because of the germs". Bingo! When I left the office yesterday I ensured that my coffee mug remained unwashed and was stategically placed in the middle of the desk. I also positioned a minging teaspoon between the QWERTY and ASDF rows of my keyboard.

Surprise, surprise; when I walked in to work today my desk was vacant and the cuckoo was sat opposite me. Perhaps he has finally got the message.

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* Anyone who thinks it is to prevent industrial espionage is deluded
** Think Hippopotamus spraying it's excrement at the edge of the Great Congo River

Bad Man 1 : Psychopathic Cockerel 0

I was up early and decided to head off down to VI's cottage straight away with the false hope that the evil bastard would be still asleep. Obviously he is a cockerel and everyone knows they are up at dawn so it came as no real surprise to hear the bugger clamouring to be let out as I wandered up the path.

I took the sensible approach and fed VI's pigeons first and then steeled myself for the hens and the accompanying psychopath. I sensibly stood outside the run and opened to coop door …

… I kid you not, the cock headed straight for me and was strutting and jumping with no thought to mounting the hens which is what most cocks do when they are let out in the morning. He really is an aggressive little sod. I managed to access the coop by careful positioning of the coop door and fence netting so succeeded in collecting the eggs and left a frustrated cock fuming inside the run.

That done, it was a quick run down the road to feed the sheep and then back home to let my chickens out.

I spent the morning in the office before exiting at lunchtime, getting a haircut at the nearby Barber* and working from home in the afternoon.

In the evening I finally fixed the two pieces of oak trim in the inglenook which means I have no excuse and now need to start the chemical stripping of the woodwork.

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* I have been using a "Salon" in the village for the past few years but have never been particularly impressed with the quality of the cuts. This cut was far better and exactly the same price.

I really should pay more attention

It is Monday and I settled at my desk to attend to today's working matters. The day wasn't particularly arduous and time was found to walk the dogs and contact Dave to arrange delivery of the new clock and the collection of the surplus pine furniture.

I finished at a very civilised five o'clock and then headed over to the Vets to have T&Ms' ears examined. Fortunately their recent rubbing and scratching is nothing more than a build up of wax. They are off to be groomed next week so this will be dealt with as their ears will be plucked as part of the grooming regime.

Back at home I found time to mow the lawn and put a second coat of oil on two trim strips that will be fitted in the inglenook. I then joined TP and 30% for dinner. My last task of the day was to head up the Village to VI's house to shut up his chickens and this is where the title of this entry has a modicum of relevance …

… It was still light when I arrived at VI's house and consequently his small flock was still out in the run. I threw some corn in their house to encourage them in and they came over to investigate. I was about to climb in to the run to herd them in when his large Light Sussex Cock came up to the fence and started to strut in front of me. Moments later the evil fucker was launching himself at me with a fair pair of spurs outthrust. I didn't really fancy having this monster coming in at me at chest or even face height so I grabbed a handy bamboo cane and, shall we say, "encouraged" him in to his coop.

I'm bloody certain that I don't fancy collecting the eggs with that malevolent sod at liberty in the run tomorrow morning. As I drove home I had a faint recollection of VI mentioning that his cock was a little feisty. As it said in the title; I really should have paid him more attention.

Keeping Busy

Sunday morning was taken up with a second trip out to Rubery/Rednal to collect TP's car. This became a family outing as 30% was required to drive me out there and TP obviously wanted to come along and ride home in his new vehicle.* Unfortunately this didn't pan out, as TP needed to be in work by midday and the Car Lot Manager took his time rolling up to work this fine Sunday Morning. ** As a result TP had to leave with 30% and I had to hang around for about ten minutes until the manager turned up.

Once the tardy sod actually appeared it was a rapid presentation of the invoice followed by a hand over of keys and paperwork. I then headed over to the nearest petrol station to deal with the amber light on the fuel gauge! Once I had sorted out the driver's seat position the little car drove well and half an hour later I was home and reversing up to the top of the drive.

Lunch followed and I then headed out for a walk around the Three Miler. The walk was shower free but the weather was incredibly chilly especially considering that we are well in to May.

30% and I then took a tea break before heading out to drop off a few items at the Tip. On our return we stopped at Village Idiot's house, where I was appraised of my Poultry and Sheep care duties as he will be spending next week holidaying in the Isle of Wight. TP was then collected from work and we eventually walked through the door for the last time today.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon sanding and oiling a couple of oak trim pieces that will sit inside the Inglenook before retiring to the sofa for a kip.

Oh, and it looks like I will be 'phoning Dave and asking him to deliver one of the clocks when he comes to collect the pine furniture later in the week.

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* He can't drive it yet as he has not yet passed his test and there seemed little point in insuring it when it will just sit at the top of the drive until he has.
** He eventually arrived around 11.40 when he should have opened up at eleven o'clock. His sorry tale of having to retrace his steps to retrieve a forgotten mobile 'phone was an inadequate excuse from my perspective.

He will never have any money again ...

It was no surprise that TP was up, dressed and ready to leave the house on time this morning as we are off to look at a car. He hasn't yet passed his test but we have space on the drive and this one looked like it could just be too good to pass over …

… earlier this week we were sat in the Lounge and I was enduring Eastenders.  Apparently TP and 30% were watching it and the fact that they both had their heads buried in their iPhone and iPad demonstrates the quality of the programme and the minimal effort needed to follow the plot. They were both searching for potential cars for TP and 30% found a bright yellow Fiat Seicento.

Back to the present, we were soon sat in the Defender heading up to the outskirts of Birmingham and found ourselves waiting for a second hand car lot* to open. The manager turned up and we had a wander and a prod around the car and it simply looked too good to be true. There wasn't a mark on the paint work. The panels were straight and the engine ran like a little sewing machine. The only minor issue was that the Driver's seat was filthy. We wandered in to the Office and started to review the paperwork and the low mileage was supported by a sheaf of old MOT certificates.

I then noticed that the MOT certificates were all issued by someone with the same name as the registered owner of the vehicle. Now everything made sense. This tiny little Fiat had been a runabout and courtesy car in a garage. This explained its 4,000 miler per annum mileage as it had never been exposed to proper family life.

I am no car expert but it seemed to be very good** and most importantly TP liked it, so we decided to take a punt and will be picking it up tomorrow.

We headed home for lunch and in the afternoon I took a ride over to see Dave the Stripper. I had a couple of other items that had not been subject to our bargaining on Thursday so these were thrown in the back of the Defender and taken for his perusal. To cut a long story short, the chair and pine bookcase netted another £70 and one of the two Long Case clocks was fabulous. I took few photos and hope I can convince 30% that we should buy the preferred clock.

Back at home I finally grouted around the slate flag in the Hall and settled in front of the TV for a quiet evening as TP was revising for his A/S Levels and 30% was spending the evening in Birmingham at a Dance Performance with Jules.

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* I am guessing that the owner would prefer Used Car Dealership
** It will need an MOT and Road Fund Licence in the next couple of months and I am sure that a couple of new tyres wouldn't go amiss either.

A Deal with Dave

As I was browsing my in-box this morning the telephone rang. It was Dave the Stripper, who called to ask if it was convenient to return the stripped cupboard doors at lunchtime. I wasn't exactly rushed off my feet today so I enthusiastically accepted his offer.

When we had dropped the doors off last Saturday we had mentioned that we were looking to sell a few antique pine pieces that I had neither the time nor inclination to restore. We also mentioned that we might be looking for another long case clock, as our 30 hour clock is currently residing in the Dining Room, while the Hall is renovated, and looks absolutely perfect in there.

Dave is always on the lookout for antique pine as it sells well* and was more than happy to come over and take a look. He also mentioned that he had a couple of 8 Day Clocks due to arrive in his workshop and that there was always the possibility of a deal.

Returning to the present, Dave was as good as his word and arrived at half past twelve. We had a pleasant chat and I showed him the furniture we wanted to sell …

… a price was agreed. It wasn't as good as I would have liked but he has to make a profit and it does mean that I will recover a significant quantity of garage space when he comes to pick up the pieces next week. He also mentioned that the two clocks had now arrived and that we were welcome to pop in and have a look.

It looks like tomorrow is going to be a busy day as TP has found a car that he likes and I have promised to accompany him to view it. I also fancy checking out these clocks.

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* Lord knows why! He struggles to shift beautiful oak and mahogany pieces that will out last any pine and are far better quality furniture.

I may have been procrastinating ...

It has been a quiet couple of days here at The Pile and there is little to report on the work front.

At home I had taken to repeated sweeping and  tidying of tools in the Hall rather than actually doing anything and this evening I finally decided to break out of that unproductive loop by fitting the final length of skirting. It was a pig of a job that involved careful chiselling of the slate flags to remove the worst protuberances. I then needed to scribe the bottom edge of the board and trim to match the uneven profile of the floor. The final task was to plane a chamfer on the last few inches of the board so that the Dining Room door would still open in to the Hall…

… Did I just say "final"? What I meant was that I could then offer a silent prayer to the Gods that my drill holes would all terminate in masonry or brick rather than mortar, use far more Gripfill* than is actually necessary on the reverse of the board, offer another silent prayer or two and then start to screw the damned thing in place using a temporary wedge in an attempt to curve the board to the shape of the uneven wall.

I did say it was a pig of a job.

All I can do now is wait a few days for the adhesive to fully cure before I remove the wedge and pray once more that the board will accept the flex rather than revert to normal and pull the 3" screws from the wall.

Having done this I could then revert to sweeping and tidying again so that I will be able to get in to the Inglenook and grout the replacement flag and a complete a couple of other minor jobs.

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* Other Building adhesives are available but use the water based ones at your peril … they are bloody useless.

A Quiet Day

After the Bank Holiday I was expecting to return to multitude of emails but that was not the case. There was very little that needed my attention and this was probably fortunate as I needed to take an hour or so out of my day for a follow up appointment with the Dentist.

This involved sixty seconds of prodding, tapping, humming and hawing before we reached a joint decision. Basically there is a very slim chance that a root canal filling will be effective and I asked about the possibility of an implant as an alternative. My Dentist agreed that this was an option and will be arranging a consultation with an Implantologist* for me.

In my mind this is the first step on the way to becoming a Cyborg and I can already see myself with metallic jaws looking like a still from one of the Terminator movies.

Stepping away from Dental and Occupational matters I can report that I fixed the last sections of architrave in place this evening and now just have a single length of skirting board to put in place.** I am doing my best to do ANYTHING but start the chemical stripping of the original woodwork but it is an inevitable task that is getting nearer day by day.

As there is no coherent thread in this Journal entry I will finish by advising that 30% has gone in to a Holiday booking frenzy and we now have four days on a Narrow Boat booked for August and a long weekend in Bruges seems to be in the offing too.

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* Yes, really.
** This will not be straightforward. Andy & Steve were somewhat thoughtless when plastering and the skirting will need to be chamfered or planed at one end to allow the Dining Room door to open in to the Hall.

Worcester disappoints & progress is made in the Hall

The plan for Monday morning was to nip in to Worcester. TP was looking for new strings for his recently acquired Tanglewood, 12 string, electric guitar,* I was tempted by a Sale at Jaeger and 30% just fancied a wander. We also planned to visit a car dealer and take a peek at a potential new vehicle …

… By lunchtime we were all back at home generally disappointed with the trip. All of the guitar shops were closed for the Bank Holiday, I could find nothing I fancied in the menswear department and the car was not carrying its age or mileage well.

The afternoon was spent back in the Hall and by early evening I had made significant progress fixing architrave and skirtings to the walls and door frames. I still have a wall and door frame to attend to plus the fiddly sections of oak that need to be inserted in the Inglenook.

Oh, today and yesterday's productivity cleared significant items from the garage and meant that I could now extract the Porn Mower and persuade TP to use it.

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* A Littleton Auction steal!

Carpentry and not a lot more

As is traditional and commonplace, judging by recent TV commercials, my plan for the Bank Holiday weekend mostly comprised DIY activities.

Up until yesterday all I seemed to have been doing of late has been the removal of the fabric of the house and the creation of a fine collection of building materials.* However, after yesterday's achievement with the replacement of the broken flag I felt somewhat more positive about progress and today I continued in that vein …

… The plan for today was to make a start on the second fix carpentry. Normally this would simply be a matter of cutting the architrave and skirtings to length and fixing them in place. Unfortunately this was not the case in the Hall. The don't 'n dab method of plastering has resulted in a need to cut packing strips for all sections of architrave to ensure that they sit flush with both walls and door frames.

These strips need to be neat as they are not concealed and, as there are three more door ways** to be trimmed, there are several to cut. Most of the day was spent cutting, gluing and screwing these strips to sections of architrave and, as the day progressed, the Hall became filled with lengths stacked waiting for the glue to dry.

As the day waned I was  not overly impressed by progress. The room simply looked more cluttered rather than more complete. Hearing the clock strike gin o'clock I decided to fix the first length of skirting board instead of hitting the bottle. A few minutes of effort involving 3" screws and builders adhesive had it firmly fixed to the wall and this had another benefit …

… I could finally bring in the oak coffer in from the garage and free up a little more space in there!

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* I/We have also managed to fill the garage to the point that work or simply moving in there is virtually impossible. This is somewhat counter productive in view of the fact that I need access to the table saw and other tools on a regular basis to complete the secondary fix in the Hall. It is fair to say that I have reached the point of ranting about items that have not yet been disposed of and the fact that every job is extended by 50% due to the need to constantly rearrange items before work can commence.
** I had already done one; the Office Door frame on 19th April

Today I learnt an important lesson …

… William* and Noggin are both adult cats. Noggin is nearly three and we have lost count of William's years, but he must be seven or eight. Their age is of no real concern, basically they are both adult, both have free access to the great out doors and both are fully house trained …

… so why did one of the little sods think that the rectangular space of earth and stone, left when I lifted the broken flag last weekend,  was a fantastic, period litter tray! Yes, the first task this morning was to tidy up the aperture and as I knelt, with hammer and bolster in hand, I noticed a distinctive odour. One of the little sods had pissed in this nice new earthy patch, obviously believing it had been provided for their indoor convenience.

The rest of the morning was spent on the task of replacing the flag and included cutting a hardboard template for the flag. I only had one piece of slate to fill the aperture and stood little chance of ever getting another that would be close to the right colour or thickness so was understandably cautious to get it right before I attacked it with a new diamond cutting disk,

By Lunchtime I was gently lowering a heavy flag on to a carefully prepared bed of mortar. It was a snug fit but some judicious thuds with a rubber mallet and some gentle agitation soon had it sat beautifully in the Inglenook.

The rest of the afternoon was spent routing the wood I picked up on Monday. This was nominal 150 x 25 mm PSE softwood but a couple of hours with a 1/2" Router and Beading Cutter produced the lengths of Skirting I need for the Hall.

Late in the afternoon 30% and I also managed to find time to take the cupboard doors over to Dave the Stripper in Worcester and we had a pleasant chat and a wander around his stock before heading home. Dave has advised that he will drop the doors over later in the week.

I was hoping that the trip to Worcester was the last of my activities and that I could spend the remainder of Saturday slumped on the sofa with a gin and tonic in my hand. Unfortunately this was not the case as TP's girlfriend had spent the day here and due to some later transport revisions I became responsible for chauffeuring her home later on in the evening.

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* aka Eddie or Eddie Percent dut to the fact that he lost a rear leg and tail following an accident with a car a fight with a bear many years ago.

Picture Post

Friday was quieter than expected. I headed in to the office to submit an expense claim and expected to be tied up reviewing a Proposal with our client. Fortunately for me, the client was unavailable and the hour long review became a somewhat disorganised fifteen minutes attempting to find a mutually convenient time for most attendees …

… I am so glad that I have Project Managers to deal with this for me.

The rest of the day involved further calls, a finish at a very civilised hour, purchases from the DIY store* and a trip over to view the lots at Littleton Auctions.

In view of the fact that it was a slow news day I have pulled this snap from the hard drive bytes allotted to our recent Sri Lanka trip. This impressive Bull was encountered on our first Game Drive through the Udawalawe National Park.

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* Don't get excited, it was a bag of cement mix to fix the replacement slate flag in the Hall

It is not all about work ...

I appreciate that there is a significant gap in the Journal from last Autumn until I recommenced a few weeks back. One could assume, incorrectly, that very little happened but I can reassure that that was most definitely not the case. I have no intention of attempting to fill in this gap in this post but hopefully over the next few months some of the missing entries will get covered in some form or another.

I appreciate that tales from the wonderful world of outsourcing and networking do not make the most exciting read so perhaps I will use the missing months as filler instead.

Since Thursday's achievements are unlikely to be of interest to the casual observer I will use this entry to bring you up to speed on the Home Office. Back in July last year I finally cleared the room that was destined to become our Office/Study. I even posted a few photographs to show what a grimy, miserable space it was.

In the intervening months, plaster has been stripped, ceilings have been taken down, rewiring has been completed and much, much more. We finally managed to move the furniture back in about ten weeks ago and it now looks like this …

The Badger was a steal from a local junk emporium.
I just had to fabricate a plinth for him from some scavenged mahogany

Toasty warm in winter and the original stone hearth was a real find

The curtains are temporary …
and I had to build and fit the door frame as well as hang the door

It is a lovely place to work

Helping Out

I had consciously reduced my workload before we headed off to Sri Lanka at the beginning of April. As result of the this approach I have some spare capacity and have volunteered to assist a colleague and mentor* with a particularly nasty RFP.

I need to advise that it is not the scope of the RFP that is nasty it is just that there have been problems getting the support needed to complete the Proposal and Pricing so I have offered moral support, intellectual capital from some of my previous efforts and have volunteered to chase up on a couple of deliverables to give her more bandwidth.

It has been an interesting day and it seems that I may have ruffled a few feathers when an enquiry I initiated showed that there was limited chance of getting a certain cost as the provider was on vacation until the day before the RFP response is due. The ruffled feathers belonged to a chap who apparently "had this in hand" …

… He obviously did not and wasn't too pleased with this exposure.

I have also picked up a new project which is very vague in its scope and deliverables so can see that I will be spending some time attempting to peer through the metaphorical fog.

A free hour late in the afternoon gave time for a walk with T&M before I needed back to the laptop for an hour's call before dinner.

I now feel like I am just about back in the saddle after returning from holiday.

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* As in; she Mentors me, although she does say that it is a two way flow

Keeping Busy

This morning I was suited, booted and out of the door a little before eight o'clock. The reason for this unusual behaviour was that I had been asked to attend a presentation from a potential supplier, who would be responsible for delivering a significant element described in an RFP we are responding to.

My Satellite Navigation unit estimated that I had an hour to spare so the rush hour traffic delays were of no concern and I was delighted to find that my journey was mostly on quiet A roads.*

I arrived at my destination about thirty minutes before the event was due to commence and all would have been well if my destination had been anywhere but Milton Keynes. I had conveniently forgotten what an anonymous, soulless place it is and how hard it can be to actually identify destinations from the road system, even with the aid of Sat Nav …

… to cut a long story short I eventually arrived a fashionable ten minutes late but the event had still not kicked off.

It was an interesting day and I learnt a lot of useful things about the products of a major provider in the Mobility Services arena. I'm not sure about the relevancy of the event to the RFP and I am guessing that only a couple of paragraphs of my ten pages of notes will need to be discussed at the debriefing.

I was also fortunate in that the day ended well in advance of it's scheduled 18.00 hrs close and I was actually home and back in front of my laptop by a little after four in the afternoon. I had time for a quick chat with my colleague in Nevada before heading out in the afternoon sunshine with T&M for a circuit of the Three Miler. A chance encounter with Paul the Plumber also allowed me to line him up for a visit once he has returned from his holidays.

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* Apart from an eighteen miles stretch of the M40

I got wood!

Rest assured that the title is not a euphemism and I am not about to recount a tale of "sap rising', renewed male vigour or seasonal increases in testosterone levels …

… I finally found time today to leap in to the Defender, head in to Redditch and procure the necessary timber and architrave for the skirting boards and door frames in the Hall.

The rest of the day was spent in briefing sessions as I am supporting a frolleague by attending a session with a potential suppler tomorrow.*

Oh, and I walked the dogs too.

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* Funnily enough Financial Prudence prevented her from attending due to her being conveniently based in the Lake Tahoe area and the session had been arranged in Milton Keynes.

Lazy Day

If I am honest I really tried to do as little as possible today. The weather featured intermittent heavy showers and, after yesterday's soaking I didn't feel like walking T&M in the rain again.*

The consequence of my lethargy and poor weather meant that I had a relatively lazy day and definitely did not extend myself. In the morning I ran TP over to the Rugby Club where he was playing in a Sevens Tournament. I didn't stay to watch and instead returned and spent a tedious time carefully scraping away paint from the woodwork in the Hall.

After Lunch, and a second trip to collect TP, I finally finished stage 1 of the woodwork preparation. My lack of timber meant that no second fix carpentry was going to take place so I pondered what to do next …

… On the right of the Inglenook there is a badly broken slate flag that has been patched with mortar at some point in the past. The repair was dreadful and the flag needed to be removed and replaced. The obvious problem was getting hold of a slate flag that would match the rest of the Hall floor. Fortunately I had a plan and headed out to the garage where I had stashed a slate hearth stone that had literally come to light when we dismantled the old wardrobes in our bedroom. The wardrobes had concealed a bricked up fireplace with it's hearth stone still in place. I had removed the flag before the new wardrobes had been constructed and finally it's moment had arrived.

It took a good hour of scrubbing and careful scraping to remove the grime and copious paint splashes obliterating it's surface but at the end of this process I could see that I had a near perfect match. It was then a simple matter of some judicious hammer work to dislodge the pieces of broken flag. The aperture will need to be tidied up and the flag trimmed to size before I can tick this as completed but I have made a sound start.

I now need to add mortar to my shopping list at the Builder's Merchant.

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* They didn't seem particularly perturbed by the lack of a walk. IF they did their protest was registered by means of an extended sleep on the sofa in the lounge!

A synonym of Exaggeration is Inflation

This morning involved an early start and by half past seven all three of us were in the car, heading off down the road. The reason for this exodus was that 30% had bought TP and me a Hovercraft Experience for Christmas and today was the day we would get to experience well … err … hovercrafting … or whatever the appropriate verb is.

An hour's drive found us on a rural Industrial Estate a few miles North of Coventry, looking at green fields, a small lake, a scruffy modern interpretation of a Nissen Hut and a few Hovercraft abandoned on the sward.

Now, before we go any further, I need to go on the record by saying that the experience was thoroughly enjoyable and it is fair to say that I would leap at the opportunity to have another go in one of these inherently wayward vehicles. They are an absolute scream once you have got to grips with the fact that there is minimal contact between the vehicle and the land/water and as a consequence getting them to steer takes some novel skills. It is fair to say that they are like nothing I have ever driven before.

The basic approach is to kneel in the craft as far forward as possible. The controls are unbelievable basic; there is a set of handlebars for steering and a throttle lever. That is it. No dials, no trim levers, nothing but left, right and faster …

… so I was somewhat surprised when our instructor casually dropped in to his lecture that one "flies" a hovercraft. Really? Flies? I think not!

After a few basic instructions TP and I were soon let loose in the craft. After all the instructions can be summarised as follows:-

Forward: Simply increase the throttle until the craft rises and moves forward. The greater the amount of throttle the faster it goes.
Braking: Simply release the throttle and the craft will loose it's cushion of air and come to a halt. It is not a good idea to release the throttle at full speed, a controlled approach is recommended.
Turning: Kneeling well forward in the craft, simply turn the handlebars to their full extent. At the same time ensure that you move your entire body as far over in the direction that you wish to turn. The handlebars alter the direction of the air flow from the fan at the rear and shifting your body weight  increases the drag on the skirt and allows the craft to grip the ground and turn. Basically; if you don't lean, it won't turn and the more throttle you apply in the turn the easier the manoeuvre is.

That, basically, is it. The above instructions will not make you a hovercraft genius but it should allow you to steer one across a field. With nothing more that the above we were soon kneeling in the craft and  completing slaloms and full power turns. It was great fun and the taster session culminated with being let loose around a course for a couple of laps. It was thoroughly enjoyable and I would definitely like to take the more advanced course where one is allowed to take the craft on water as well as the land.

Now going back to the point I made earlier, the Instructor informed us that one flies a hovercraft. I have to say that I consider that something of an exaggeration. To me flying is something that involves complicated machinery, countless hours of practice, examinations, tests and medicals. Flying does not involve turning up in a field in Leicestershire, getting 5 minutes instruction and then being allowed to blat about a field in a fibreglass shell with a 1000 cc air conditioning motor and a fan blade strapped to the back of it.

It was great fun but the most I am going to accept is that you Pilot a hovercraft.

It was a good plan ...

… Unfortunately fouled by an unmitigated risk.

Today I planned to pop in to the nearest depot of the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers. I had some expense claims that I needed to submit and I thought that I could call in to the Builders' Merchants at lunchtime to collect the timber and architrave I needed for the Hall.

It seemed a simple enough plan of the killing two birds with one stone variety. My expenses would be claimed and I would have the timber I need to progress with the refurbishment of the Hall. What could possibly go wrong?

Obviously I needed to take the Defender and this meant that I had to get in to work reasonably early. The overspill car park has a 2m height limit and the Defender's roof rack will not permit entry. I therefore needed to arrive early enough to secure a space in the limited parking in front of the office where there is no heigh restriction. I rolled in to work at quarter past eight and had my pick of spaces …

… Result!

I headed in to the Office and had both a sociable and productive morning. I linked up with a few colleagues and also managed to respond to a set of comments and questions that my customer had made on a recently presented proposal.

The morning flew by and as midday approached I packed up my laptop and headed out towards reception…

… I looked out across the car park and noticed that is was absolutely pissing down with rain. I had no coat and was quite most by the time had dashed 50 yards and clambered in to my Land Rover.

As I started her up I contemplated the joys of clambering about on the roof rack in the pouring rain securing several lengths of timber. I then mentally leapt forward in time and considered unloading them when I reached home …

… I did what any sensible man would do, thought "Fuck It, I'll get it next week" and headed home to finish the working day from the home office.

As I said in the title, it was a great plan but there was sod all I could do about the weather and I hate getting soaked.

I really do hate getting wet.

This week could have been so much worse

I am delighted to report that my return to work has been quite gentle. There was not a mass of Customer Requests waiting to be addressed and my work had been managed by colleagues whilst I was away. As a result I have returned to work and been allowed to make my way through an overflowing in-box safe in the knowledge that my active projects have been cared for in my absence.

In the weeks before we headed off to Sri Lanka I was careful to manage my workload so that the number of active projects was scaled back and I am delighted to say that that my colleagues did a great job of keeping the plates spinning so I have had a gentle week rather than the more usual chaos that negates the postive effects of a holiday within 5 minutes of returning to work.

As a result I have now addressed all of my mail and can report that my projects are all back on track...

... one of them is still a complete horror but it is a horror that is on track rather than an unmanaged horror.

Away from work I managed another walk around the Three Miler and removed more paint from the woodwork in the Hall. The paint stripping is going to be quite an ordeal as I am aiming for a waxed and polished finish which means that there will need to be chemical stripping and repeated sanding to remove every last trace of paint from woodwork that has been repeatedly painted over the past 250 years. The large cupboard that houses the electricity meter has been stained rather than painted and is unlikely to strip well. As a result that cupboard may well end up being painted with just the doors being stripped, courtesy of an extended period in a tank of caustic soda solution.