Christmas Shopping

This morning we headed in to Stratford as 30% wanted to gauge my reaction to a couple of ideas she had for my Christmas and Birthday presents. She had given me advance notice that she was considering a tailor made leather coat from a chap who operates from a stall on the market and also that Pragnells; the high end jeweller had slashed 30% from their prices on Tag watches … This was definitely shopping at both ends of the commercial spectrum and ranged from sipping coffee amongst millions of pounds worth of gemstones to chatting with Johnny under his tarpaulin covered pitch surrounded by vendors that range from artisans to costermongers.

I do already have a Tag watch.* I bought it back in the late 1990's after my unexpected exit from the Inland Revenue. An out of court settlement, in response to my claim of constructive dismissal, produced a small windfall and I purchased a Swiss watch rather than just fritter it away. At the time I bought it I had no idea what a fantastic watch I had bought, only that it looked subtly beautiful and was far from common amongst my friends and colleagues. It is only after fifteen years of ownership that I can report that they are incredibly tough time pieces. The entries in this Journal show that I do tend to get involved in some rather grubby jobs from time to time and, for all but the filthiest, my watch hasn't left my wrist. There is not a mark on the sapphire glass and it still keeps perfect time. I love it for both it's reliability and it's looks.

So, why do I want another one? It is a good question but I am not sure that I can give a good answer. Probably because we can afford one and, although they are expensive, I know it will give decades of service unlike most of the time keeping shite that most people wear on their wrists.**

To cut a long story short we wandered out of Pragnells with not one but two new watches. Both were Tag Heuer and both are automatic. Basically the combination of huge price discounts combine with plenty of surplus cash sloshing around in our bank accounts meant that 30% and I will work out the fine details of what is present and what is self indulgence at some point in the near future. The first of these indulgences is a 2012 Carrera Calibre 1887 Chronograph SpaceX. It is a limited edition of 2012 watches that was produced to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of a Swiss watch in space. The second is a Link Automatic and is probably a little more workaday than the SpaceX but is still a delight with it's second glass on the rear showing the self winding mechanism.

The leather coat has yet to be made but I was shown a sample that Johnny had made for his wife. It is based on a Belstaff jacket but will be made in leather and mine will have a few minor modifications beyond those to suit the contours of my frame. I need to give colour and design some thought over the week before we return next Saturday to confirm the order.

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* It is a 1997 2000 Quartz model
**  It took me more than ten years to get 30% to realise that she, or more accurately I, was spending a lot of money on fashion watches that would break after a year or so of ownership. Last year she finally succumbed to a ladies Tag with a black face and a ring of tiny diamonds embedded around the face. It was her Christmas present and she adores it. On the subject of cost of ownership I bought mine back in 1999 for around six hundred pounds. After fifteen years of ownership it has cost me about one pound a week!

Setting the bar high

At the mid point in the afternoon the 'phone rang and it was Dave from Redditch Shotblasing. My frame and tinware was ready for collection. As soon as work allowed I headed over to to their workshop and used the strategically placed pallet to avoid stepping in the enormous puddle that blocked their doorway.*

There in the gloomy, gritty, monotone interior of the workshop was my frame and cardboard box of tinware all beautifully wrapped in bubble-wrap and tissue paper to protect it from damage. Dave carried  it all out to the car and unwrapped a couple of items for me to inspect the colour in daylight … I was absolutely flabbergasted. The colour was a splendid green, perhaps a shade or two darker than the background colour of The Journal website, and the finish was beautiful. I thanked him profusely and was even more delighted when I discovered that the price I had been quoted included VAT.

I headed home and realised that the quality of the powder coating had set the bar high and I now needed to ensure that everything else was completed to a similar standard … reusing nasty fasteners was always a repugnant idea to me and now even more so.

As is traditional, I proposed storing the refurbished parts in the spare bedroom and, to be scrupulously fair to 30%, she did little more than give me a look in response to this suggestion. When I pointed out that the frame did have bare steel areas that needed protecting from rust until the bearings were reinserted, she even went as far as to suggest where in the bedroom I should place it … she is amazingly tolerant of me and my eccentricities.

So that was my exciting news for today … I am trying to avoid thinking about moving the new tumble drier down the stairs to the cellar

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* It was a rainy day today

I need a roll of bubble-wrap

There have been faint signs of progress with the Enfield project over the past couple of days. Yesterday I received an automated message from DHL indicating that I had Customs Duties* to pay on a package in their delivery system. I accessed their on-line systems to find that the rear hub is still in New Delhi but should be delivered early next week. I need the front hub before I can get the wheels rebuilt so a chaser was sent to another Indian spare parts supplier to check on progress.

I also had a call from Redditch Shot-blasting this morning. The frame and tinware should be powder coated this afternoon so all being well I will be able to collect them at some point on Friday. I must admit that I am quite excited to see the results and am hopeful that I have made the right choice of colour.

Realistically it is going to be a while before I am able to start the reassembly of the bike. The engine still needs to be degreased, then there is the refurbishment of the engine plates and the polishing of the engine cases to complete before I can join frame and engine back together. In the meantime I think I need to purchase a large roll of bubble-wrap to protect these newly coated parts form accidental damage.

I also managed to pick up a couple of pieces of work and will be helping out my frolleague Lou on a monstrous project she is managing.

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* Even after taking account of Customs Duty payments the rear hub is still less than half of the price a UK Parts Company is quoting.

Bonfire Night and other memories

Work is still quiet and as a consequence I actually made it out for a walk around the Three Miler with T&M this afternoon. I also made it out to the garage and the Enfield gearbox is somewhat cleaner than yesterday's photograph.

As the evening progressed we ended up with with T&M cowering on the sofa as the Bonfire Night celebrations kicked off in the village. It is fair to say that Tyson is incredibly stressed by the explosions and just sits and pants until it eventually quietens. She normally dawdles in the garden when I let her out for her late night pee but this evening she was out, squatting and back in under two minutes. She really doesn't like fireworks and Marauder isn't much better. Whiffler didn't seem too alarmed but 30% reported that a couple of overhead detonations caused him to become agitated.

I remember as a child loving the weeks leading up to Bonfire Night. We still lived at Corbiere; the Bungalow at Lower Field Farm in Wickhamford. Although my Dad no longer farmed there we used to scavenge amongst the farm buildings* from September onwards and build the most enormous bonfires on a patch of ground to the side of the stables.

I recall particularly one year when the Bonfire was so large that there were safety concerns. Fortunately out neighbour was Fred Bates who had a garage at the top of Abbey Road in Evesham. This was during the height of the Northern Ireland conflict and Fred had a contract to build small fire appliances based on Land Rover chassis for use in Belfast. We actually had one of these in attendance … just in case. The fire didn't get out of control but I can remember unearthing glowing embers in the remnants of the fire a full seven days after Bonfire Night.

We also had a mountain of fireworks to let off although they were nothing like the amazing ones that can be bought nowadays. It was a more innocent time and the shop at the top of Pitchers Hill** was far more lax with restrictions on the sale of fireworks to minors. I recall wandering up a couple of times each week with a couple of shillings scrounged from my mum or dad and taking an age to choose the most spectacular fireworks from the display before hurrying home to store them in a tin for the Big Night.

Autumn was always a delightful time of year and Bonfire Night was part of the lead up to the excitement of Christmas. To this day I still delight in fireworks and bonfires it is just that having T&M means that this is a pleasure I must forego … and am more than happy to do so.

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* When BMS and his Father dissolved their partnership the farm was sold and taken on by an Irish Guy called Rowntree who ploughed up all of the pasture and converted the farm from diary to arable. No-one knew where he lived and the arable nature of the farm meant that there was never anyone there apart from during the key phases of the arable cycle; ploughing, sowing and harvesting.

For most of the year it was our personal realm. We had one hundred acres of land and deserted farm buildings to roam over. We drove old cars and motorbikes across the stubble in Autumn and built the most extravagant dens in the straw filled barns. We wandered the deserted building with air rifles, always hopeful of shooting a rat and on one wonderful occasion I encountered a stoat in ermine white in the old dairy. I will always remember it sitting bolt upright watching me whilst I stood immobile taking in this tiny little predator.

Out in the fields a brook ran along one of the farm boundaries. It was edged with Willows that had long ago been pollarded and one in particular had a magnificent bowl at the top of it's trunk that could hold half a dozen children and young teenagers. I remember being there with my sisters and other friends in a hot Summer; enjoying the shade from the trees and the cool waters of Badsey Brook on our toes.

On the other side of the farm was an almost impenetrable coppice called The Spinney. Again I remember adventures here including the time Chris Bates and I managed to work our way through the middle of this bramble filled thicket. I also recall another occasion when I came face to face with a Tawny Owl when tree climbing there.

** The Village Shop and Post Office; owned and operated by Margaret Winkett.*** There was another shop in the Village run by the Woodcocks but, for some reason my mother would never shop there. It was only in later years that I learnt that my Dad had an affair with Anne Woodcock hence her understandable refusal to cross the threshold. I have a rather vague recollection of an encounter between my mother and Mrs W when she interrupted an assignation … I must jot that down when my day is so tedious that I have nothing else to mention.

*** I also have a few memories of Margaret's plump, blonde daughter; Lynne but I'm not sure that they are suitable for inclusion in the Journal.

From shitty to shiny

This evening T&M were heaved in to the back of the car and taken for a follow up appointment at the Vet's. After a five minute examination I was informed that their ear infections are much improved and my wallet was relieved of a crisp ten pound note.

That's about the most significant event of my day … Work was incredibly quiet and the Enfield project is somewhat hampered by the need to get the engine outside for degreasing.*  I was mildly frustrated by the current hiatus, where I can do little more than source or price parts, so I headed out to the garage to amuse myself before dinner.

My plan was to clean the filth from the more exposed parts of the wiring loom but I soon tired of this and realised that my primary objective had to be to get the engine cleaned up. I can't put it back in to the frame filthy so cleaning followed by  polishing of the engine cases needs to be my priority. I therefore settled with a can of degreaser and a rag and made a start on removing the crud from the back of the gearbox. This may be a somewhat surgical attack rather than the wholesale assault it really needs but it keeps me occupied and the more I remove in the week, the less there is to scrub off at the weekend.

I did say it was nasty … rear of gear box part way through degreasing

It does have potential … polishing test on gearbox casing

As can be seen from the photographs, the engine cases are badly oxidised but tests, with a Dremel and a metal polishing kit, show that they have the potential to be restored to a lovely sheen.

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* Definitely a job for a dry weekend rather than a dark, damp Autumn evening.

What am I going to do now?

It was the first day back at work after a week away.

I must admit that I didn't have any great sense of urgency this morning as I had already been made aware that we had not been down-selected by our latest client. Consequently I sidled up to the laptop shortly before nine o'clock* and refreshed my mailbox. Less than two hundred mails flowed in and I soon had these whittled down to a handful after the junk and irrelevant had been deleted. Had we been successful things would have been very different but, by mid morning, I was kicking my heels.

My afternoon's agenda had already been populated with a couple of calls so I used the free time in the morning to wander in to the kitchen and knock up a Bolognese sauce for dinner. Just as I had finished I head a knock at the door … It was Les; an acquaintance from the Village with whom I have a common interest in motorcycles. He had learnt about my latest project, when I bumped in to him a couple of weeks ago, and had called round to check out the contents of my garage. We spent a pleasant hour chatting and firing up my bikes before he left and I returned to my desk.

So that covers my working day. Obviously I need to find myself some new projects, as the dissection of the corpse of our recent venture is not going to keep me busy … and I have a strong suspicion that the failings I identified are likely to be rapidly swept under the carpet anyway.

The evening saw me head back out to the garage to cover the bikes and attempt to clean up the Enfield's headlight before joining TP and 30% for dinner.

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* Just in case some sneaky Bugger had decided to arrange a nine o'clock call on my first day back at work.

Weekend Round Up --- or not, as becomes apparent

I finished my week's holiday with a rather lazy weekend. My significant activities seemed to either involve dog walking or pottering in the garage and it is pottering that is the subject of this entry.

The Enfield is now at a transitional stage. The deconstruction has now been completed and, with parts being refurbished and a pile of shiny new components sat waiting on the work bench,  it is reaching the point where reassembly will soon commence, This next stage will, no doubt, include ongoing refurbishment and replacement of components as parts are found to be filthy or damaged beyond the point of economical repair.*

As this project has progressed I have attempted to compile a list of parts that will be needed and jobs that need doing. One of those jobs is the rebuilding of the wheels. At the moment the Enfield has 19" wheels front and rear but the new bike will have a 21" wheel up front and an 18" at the rear. I have the new rims and spokes and the plan was to employ a local chap to build the new wheels on the original hubs.

This is a perfectly normal approach but seemed to involve a huge amount of faffing around. The wheel builder would need to take possession of the intact wheels to take crucial measurements such as any offset of the hubs. These measurements would need to be recorded before the wheels were dismantled. I would then need to collect the hubs, remove the bearings and then ship them over to a Powder Coater to refurbish the bubbling mess that passes for paintwork. Only once the hubs had been refurbished would I be able to take them back to the wheel builder for incorporation in to my shiny new rims.

I started to tot up estimates for the refurbishment of the hubs along with replacements for components corroded or worn beyond acceptable use and wondered whether a new pair of hubs might be a more sensible approach. A few minutes on eBay located exactly what I needed. Both are located in India and will take a few weeks to arrive here but the price is remarkable and I will end up with brand new wheels … and none of the to-ing and fro-ing to the wheel builder and powder coater.

I appreciate that there is an element of risk buying components from Indian Suppliers via eBay but the damned bikes are made there, have minimal variation between models and all I am really doing is cutting out the significant mark up that the best known UK Spare Parts Supplier seems to be applying.

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* I am well aware that the Enfield is beyond economical repair but it wasn't bought with motivations for financial gain. It was about having something that is almost the antithesis of my working life … an oily, mechanical Yin to the sterile, electronic Yang of modern working life.

Cracking on with things

This morning I had been nominated to drop TP and Peanut off at Redditch Station as they were spending the weekend with his mother.

As is usual they needed to be encouraged from their pit and nagged repeatedly to ensure they actually made it to the station in time for their bloody train … if my son were any more laid back I swear he would be fucking horizontal. As someone who is habitually early, his last minute approach to life drives me up the wall and is a regular source of friction between us. Today I swore that I would be intentionally late when I pick him up on Sunday to see how the little sod likes being kept waiting!

To kill time whilst waiting for TP, I headed out to the garage and inventoried the parts that needed to be powder coated. I ended up with sixteen items that ranged from the frame and swing arm through tin ware to small items of bracketry.

After delivering TP to the station I headed home where I loaded up the boot with the motorcycle components and then made a second trip in to Redditch to drop them off at Redditch Shotblasting. This company had been recommended by the dealer from whom I had bought the bike and I was reassured that I had made the right choice when, after a cursory glance at the contents of the car, the proprietor recognised it as  Royal Enfield frame. We talked* through my requirements and my confidence grew further when I learnt that they had done powder coating for the National Motorcycle Museum exhibits and would be having a display stand at tomorrow's open day. The only decision left was the colour and I eventually settled on a glossy green that had something of a 1950's army surplus feel to it.

All I need to do now is wait the week or ten days it will take to complete the job.

After lunch I pottered a little while longer in the garage and knocked up a couple of engine stands for the upcoming degrease/decontamination. 30% and I then took the dogs out for a walk around a shortened version of the Three Miler. The afternoon also included a visit from our Structural Engineer and we discussed and agreed the approach we will be taking for our remodelled steps and retaining wall project.

We then made our second trip of the week to the Vet's.** On this occasion we went to have Marauder's eye checked. She has a minor tear on her third eyelid, probably as a result of playing with Whiffler, and was prescribed antibiotic eye drops as a precautionary measure.

As the day waned middle-aged lethargy kicked in and we settled for a quiet evening in. However we were more vigilant than usual this evening as Whiffler is suffering some quite nasty after effects from drinking puddle water.

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* It almost got creepy when I mentioned where I lived and he reeled off my current and previous vehicles … He is a Defender fan and his girlfriend lives in the same village as us … he walks her dog past The Pile most mornings.
** The first was on Monday as both T&M have a minor ear infection.

Friends for Dinner

There is not a huge amount to say about Thursday. I woke early and crept in to the kitchen to make coffee, aware that I had three comatose teenagers crashed on the sofas in the living room. I was tempted to wake them but my benevolent side conquered and I left them to their alcohol induced  slumber until a much more civilised nine o'clock.

At the mid point of the morning I ran TP's mates home and spent the remainder of the morning doing very little indeed. After lunch I headed out to the garage and spent an hour or so removing the final two lugs from the Enfield frame. Once I had finished 30% and I donned our boots and headed off for a walk with Tyson, Marauder and Whiffler.

This evening we were joined by Jules and Annette for dinner and that's just about sums up the day.

Mid Week Dining

The activity I had planned for this morning was something I had never done before and I was somewhat apprehensive …

… I planned to take an angle grinder to a perfectly serviceable motorcycle frame and start cutting chunks of metal from it. Obviously a cut in the wrong place would leave me with, at best, a missing mounting point for a component or, at worst, a knackered frame.

Needless to say I started simple by removing a pair of lugs for an obsolete side panel. I cut well above the frame tubing, to minimise the risk of damage, and then used grinding and  flap wheel disks to remove the remaining lug and weld material. After an hour of work I stood back to review progress and was fairly happy with the way things were going. The surface would look great once powder coated and the frame would not be littered with redundant brackets that provide a multitude of rust traps.

After my first hour I took a break and accompanied 30% on a wander around Tesco's aisles. There is not much one can say about a supermarket visit really but I will make one observation about 30%'s shopping habits  … in my mind, most people walk around the supermarket in an orderly fashion; up one aisle, around the end and down the next, continuing in this fashion until they reach the last aisle and then head for the cash registers. 30%, on the other hand, does not. She is all over the place; leaping forward a couple of aisles, then dropping back three to collect something from her list. This makes it a nightmare to keep track of her when she says "can you just go and get some olives". It takes me a couple of minutes to grab the aforementioned olives and then another twenty to locate my randomly wandering partner. I swear I will electronically tag her the next time we go shopping.

Lunch followed and I then headed out to the garage for another couple of hours of minor frame modification. The weather was grey and drizzly so there was no three mile walk today but we did take all three dogs for a run around the local green where they had a great time charging up and down the bank and around the pools.

As the afternoon flowed in to the evening we tidied ourselves up and headed out to the Oak at Upton Snodsbury for dinner. TP was entertaining a couple of mates with pizza, beer and movies so we had decided to leave them to it and dine alone for what seemed like the first time in ages.* The food was glorious and I can heartily recommend the grilled halloumi stack followed by the sea bass as a winning combination … I probably should have left it there and not had the Belgian waffles for pudding. I wandered out absolutely stuffed as the portions are generous as well as beautifully cooked.

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* We eventually recalled that it was a Lobster Evening at the same venue back in July.

So much for a holiday lie-in ...

… This morning I woke and hadn't a clue what time it was as the bedside alarm was helpfully flashing 18:24. The level of daylight suggested that the sun might be peeping over the horizon so I took a chance, rose, dressed and wandered down stairs. It was just before six o'clock and Whiffler was still snoozing in his crate. After letting him out for a pee, I made coffee and took a very gentle start to the day.

As dawn slowly turned in to morning I pottered, drank more coffee and breakfasted. A little before nine o'clock I got my arse in to gear and also in to the car …

… First stop was at Redditch Motorcycles where I had a long and pleasant chat with the proprietor; Chris as he opened up the shop. I handed over the Enfield forks and left him with a rather imprecise set of instructions which involved fork springs, seals and powder coating. We then agreed that I should not hassle him for at least a month as he has an absolute mountain of work on at the moment.

My next stop was at Screwfix where the service was far less personable, but I was soon supplied with grinding disks and was heading back over to Chadwick End to return the incompatible parts to Hitchcocks. After a chat with the parts counter chap I headed towards home, walking through the door in the late morning.

I then amazed myself and dragged out the lawn mower for the second time in ten days. Forty minutes later I had certainly worked up an appetite for lunch.

The afternoon saw me degenerate in to sloth and a long snooze was taken on the sofa. I then summoned TP and took the dogs for a walk. As is now usual TP accompanied me for the first fifteen or so minutes before turning back to avoid over exerting Whiffler. It was a pleasant enough walk but I was amazed at the number of people and cars on the Three Miler today. It was incredibly busy for a single track lane that doesn't really go anywhere apart from the three or four properties dotted along it's length.

There is little more to add. I had intended to make a start on removing brackets from the Enfield frame but a combination of poor light and low blood sugar made me think that it was better put off until tomorrow.

Quote of the day

Whilst discussing Whiffler with 30% this morning I delivered this nugget of wisdom …

"Putting to one side the fact that he is much bigger, he hasn't grown at all since we got him"

I also have a suspicion that Eddy may well be masquerading as the Pope of the Dogs. The fact that he isn't even a dog makes his ascendance to this role peculiar and I am wondering if I am witnessing a Worcestershire version of the Pope Joan fable.*

As you may, by now, have guessed my holiday has truly started and it seems that my brain runs using an alternative OS when I don't need to work.

This morning I headed over to Hitchcocks Motorcycles at Chadwick End to pick up the Trials Kit for The pile of components formerly known as The Enfield. This may seem somewhat premature but I want to remove redundant lugs and brackets from the frame prior to powder coating. Consequently I need to test fit the components to ensure I don't get grinder happy and remove something critical.

I spent most of the morning at the Sales Counter as I had a long and expensive list of parts to collect. Whilst I was there a number of customers came and went and they, along with the staff, made me feel quite youthful by comparison. It is appears that there may well be a minimum age for Enfield Ownership and spares handling that I have yet to reach. I discussed this nugget with 30% on my return and she promptly pointed out that I was a) delusional and b) old … Thanks!

On my return I unpacked the car and piled my new toys on one of the benches in the garage. We then lunched and took a walk around the Three Miler. 30% only did a portion of the walk to save Whiffler's little legs as TP had already taken him for a walk in the park earlier in the day.

Unsurprisingly my afternoon was spent examining my goodies and I now have a reasonable idea of what I can cut from the frame. I had planned to nip in to Screwfix to pick up a new grinding disk but never actually made it that far and, instead, decided to do that tomorrow. I can combine it with a return trip to Hitchcocks, as there is no way two of the parts are compatible with my frame.

That just about sums up my day. I did meddle with the bike in the evening and managed to blank off the EGR port on the cylinder head and also remove the front disk as the hubs will need to be removed, polished and built on to new rims in the very near future.

There was, surprisingly, a work call too … While I was out my boss called and left a message with 30%. I called him back and he advised that we had not been successfully down-selected by the client. Apparently we had been ranked in third place and the client wants to put our offer "on ice" in the event that the negotiations with their two preferred Vendors do not work out.

As gentle let down's go that one is on  a par with "it's not you, it's me". In other words; complete bollocks and my personal opinion is that the Sales Team never fully understood the politics or the Client requirement from the very first moment.

As for me, I am strangely disappointed by this event. Although I had grave reservations about the solution I actually hoped to be able to work through the deficiencies and develop a viable offering. Bugger!

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* I never said I was original.

If at first you don't succeed*

A great and late night out and a puppy that has no comprehension of the BST/GMT switch do not make a good combination and it is fair to say that I felt dreadful as I wandered down stairs to let Whiffler out for a pee. This was at six o'clock. I was desperately short of sleep and had a minor hang over. The consequence of this was that the first three hours of the day were spent on the sofa and even strong black coffee was ineffective at raising energy levels.

Food actually did the trick and once I had got  myself on the outside of a couple of cinnamon bagels I felt able to do more than just press buttons on the remote control.

As is likely to be a recurring theme for the week, I wandered out to the garage and pondered the filthy engine and gearbox. After some gentle rubbing of the fins on the cylinder head I could see that it had the potential to clean up nicely but I rapidly came to the conclusion that the lump needed to be taken outside and degreased properly. This would need TP's assistance and would not happen today as he was out at work.

It doesn't look too bad from a distance

If you think this is grotty you should see the front sprocket

As an alternative I decided to attempt to separate the fork ends from the main tubes. The alloy fork ends are badly corroded and need stripping and polishing, but first I need to separate them from the fork assembly … it is fair to say that I got absolutely nowhere and headed back in to the house to consult manuals and the internet.

Lunch sated my hunger and the web had provided suggestions on deconstructing my front suspension so I headed back out the the garage … Once again I got nowhere and was reluctant to use brute force on the forks so decided to vent my frustration on the neck tube bearing races. These little sods need to be removed prior to powder coating and had thwarted me yesterday. Today I made a slight tooling change and tried again. A few clouts with a hammer on the end of a drift and the little devils clanged on to the garage floor.

My frustration was somewhat dissipated by this success and I left my lair, cleaned myself up and took T&M for a walk.

That just about cover's the days activities. The combination of hang-over, too little sleep and exercise meant that I was snoring on the sofa by half past nine and was snoring in bed shortly after ten.

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* do something else instead

The "who" of the "what"?

The first activity of the day was to run 30% in to Redditch to collect her car, which had finally been repaired.

Once back at home I headed out to the garage to undertake a rather unpleasant task. The Enfield's frame and swing arm needed to be degreased in preparation for powder coating and this meant that an eight year accumulation of chain lube, oil and road dirt needed to be removed from the lower parts of the frame. My chosen method involved a domestic steam cleaner with a barbecue cleaning brush. I then applied a commercial degreaser, which was left for a good five or ten minutes before a stainless steel pan scourer was used to shift the stubborn residue. Hot water was then used to clean everything off.

I had a secondary motive for getting these two components cleaned up. I had noticed that the swing arm had some scoring from a loose chain so, once cleaned up, I headed over to Arden Motorcycles to get their opinion from an MOT perspective. The verdict was that the swing arm was fine and they also recommended a local company for the powder coating.

Relieved that I didn't need to buy a replacement swing arm I headed home and, after lunch returned to the garage where I separate the rear brake pedal from it's shaft and sorted other items that will need to be powder coated. As four o'clock approached I emerged from my lair and prepared to walk the dogs.

30% joined me on my walk and, for the first time, Whiffler was taken around the Three Miler. It was probably a little too far for him but there was method in our madness, as we were out for dinner this evening and hoped that the walk would tire him.

That just about sums up the day apart from the emergence of a new character in my panoply of lunacy. Early in the day I was talking to Marauder and she advised that she did not need to sit in order to received tidbits of cheese. Apparently she has a dispensation that means sitting is no longer obligatory. I enquired as to the source of the dispensation and was advised that it was granted by The Pope of The Dogs.

I found out little more about this canine cult leader apart from the fact that he has a fantastic hat.

Time for a break

Since my assignment to the latest project I have become a huge fan of Fridays; being the official start of the weekend. Although weekend working has occurred a few times in the recent past things have quietened somewhat recently, as we wait for our client to make a decision. I was particularly looking forward to today as it is my last working day for a whole week. I have nine whole days to do exactly as I please.*

Neither of us have anything major planned other than to spend the week at home and enjoy doing domestic stuff. It goes without saying that I am hoping to spend a good amount of time in the garage getting the Enfield's frame ready for powder coating but I also want to get out and get some dog walking done too as T&M have been somewhat exercise deprived due to the impact of work and the recent arrival of Whiffler.

However before the holiday could start I needed to get work out of the way. I had a pretty full day that involved hosting a couple of calls, arranging for an analysis of costs and margin to be completed and completing a hand over to my Boss, who will be minding the deal while I am off. I managed to get all of this completed and did also find forty minutes for a much needed kip after a very bad night's sleep.

By five o'clock I was finished. My out of office was set and I shut down the laptop. My holiday starts here.

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* Provided 30% has been notified in advance and has granted written approval. It should be noted that she retains veto powers that can be employed at any point.

I used to work for this bunch of pricks*

It is more than twelve months after I left their employment and Dante's Nine Circles of Hell are still managing to screw around with my life … let me explain.

Back in September I received a tax calculation from the Inland Revenue that suggested that I owed them a significant quantity of unpaid tax. I took a quick look at their sums and noticed that their salary figure for 2013/14 was £24,000 more than I actually earned. I dug out a copy of my P60 to verify this and called them. After waiting in a queue for twenty minutes I eventually spoke to a chap who listened carefully and took down all the details including the reference from my P60. This troubled me as the P60 is an official Inland Revenue document that summarises earnings, tax and national insurance contributions for every employee in the UK. You would sort of hope that Tax Office staff would use one of these as a reference document when calculating tax.

To cut a long story short; Tax Year 2013/14 was the year I moved from being a Daemon in the Nine Circles of Hell to being Shifter Jnr at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers. It appears that Dante's Nine Circles of Hell had submitted duplicate forms covering my earning during the six months I worked for them. The morons at the Tax Office had summed these duplicate returns and added them to my Piano Moving earnings rather than discarding one of the duplicate forms.

I was somewhat relieved to find it was a simple mistake and the chap at the Tax Office reassured me that it would now be resolved. He did warn that this could take up to eight weeks as it would involve communication with Dante's Nine Circles of Hell.

We now leap forward four weeks and, this morning, another tax calculation arrived in the post. I opened it and saw that it was a duplicate of the original with the same mistakes. In fact not a single number had changed.

As a result I spent twenty five minutes in a queue this morning before talking to another Official from the Inland Revenue. It was one of the most fruitless discussions I have ever had. I described the history of my case and repeated all of the details including a summary of the previous call with the Tax Office. All I got in return was that the Tax Officer did not understand why a new calculation had been issued, neither could she confirm that it was incorrect but she could advise that new information had come to hand and my calculation had now been forwarded to another Department.

What the Fuck does any of that mean? From my perspective it looks like they have not managed to get any sense from the PAYE Dept at the Nine Circles of Hell and have just regurgitated an incorrect tax calculation in the hope that I will just pay it … like that is ever going to fucking happen!

I asked if there was anything I could send that would help to move this along; advising that I had all of my payslips, P60 and bank statements that clearly demonstrated my earning over the year in question. I was told that this was not needed and I find that very interesting. If my earnings and deductions are not needed then I am a symptom rather than the problem and the little I could learn suggested that Dante's screw up impacted more than just me.

I'm still not fucking impressed and pointed this out in a polite fashion to the Tax Office … and it could still take another eight to twelve weeks to resolve!

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* Yep, I worked for the Inland Revenue too (1987 - 98)

Modern Orifice Life

The possibility of a free curry, and the fact that my Boss was going to be in the office today, meant that I was lured from my lair and was to be found wandering around The Depot this morning.

Actually getting in to work was an exercise in logistics as 30%'s car is still not repaired. It was therefore necessary for her to drive me in to work, dropping T&M off at the Grooming Salon en route. It soon became apparent that the free curry was not going to happen, as it was dependent on the presence of a Senior US Executive, who had mysteriously gone awol somewhere between Texas and Redditch. To be honest I can totally understand him being a no show as Redditch must be somewhat underwhelming after the delights of Houston or Dallas.

I therefore settled at my desk, waded through a hefty pile of receipts and finally cleared my outstanding expense claims. This involved several trips to nearby MFDs* which gave me plenty of opportunity to shoot the breeze with friends and colleagues. To be honest I had a lovely morning. I didn't actually do much work but got plenty of networking done.**

The afternoon was slightly more constructive and I used the two hours of calls to prepare a set of minutes from a call I hosted yesterday. The working day ended shortly before five when 30% collected me and then the dogs from the grooming salon.

That pretty much sums up my day but 30% did have a significant piece of news. The reason she needed the car today was for a hospital appointment. It seems that she has a large fibroid and may well need to have an operation in the near future. There is no cause for concern and she has received the news stoically … in fact, it seems that she is perhaps looking forward to a few weeks off work while she recovers from the surgery.

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* MFD: Multi Function Devices, a combined printer, scanner, photocopier unit
** I saw Fiona's photos from Cuba and talked to Tim about motorbikes

Confinement, Excitement & Metaphysics

I have felt somewhat constrained for the past three days. A combination of work and being the only responsible adult at home* has meant that my days have been spent in front of a laptop or keeping an eye on a semi-continent puppy. I feel that it would have been wrong to take T&M out for a long walk and leave Whiffler in his cage … I have sufficient foresight to imagine the nightmare of walking Tyson, Marauder and Whiffler without another person to assist. He will need to be far more disciplined on the lead before I attempt that milestone.

Consequently Tuesday was much like Monday in that I worked and listened for a tell tale yap that indicated that I needed to let the puppy out for a wee.

30% returned in the early evening and caused much excitement amongst the canine members of the household. She was certainly way too much fun for Whiffler and, after three dry days, he spent most of the evening piddling on the floor. It was apparent that my company is so uninspiring that bladder control was far more interesting than spending time with me. 30%, on the other hand, is excitement that exceeds one's powers of self containment.**

I did however finally get the opportunity to escape the confines of the house and after an hour in the garage I can report that I finally separated the Enfield's frame from it's engine. The next stage in the process with be degreasing the components ready for powder coating and possibly some minor frame modifications to remove some now obsolete lugs and brackets.

I have just realised that despite it now being a pile of components I have still referred to it as The Enfield. I'm not sure whether it would be better described as "The components formerly known as The Enfield". However, this is now heading dangerously close to one of those bullshit debates about trees falling in uninhabited forests.

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* 30% is on a three day break at Champneys Health Spa
** if you are a four month old puppy

Thinking Ahead

It is Monday. It is half past six and, once again, I find myself preparing to head in to Birmingham for a trip to the Dentist.

On this occasion it was a quick five minutes in the chair whilst he removed four sutures and checked on the healing of the gum. He is happy with progress and I need to return in four weeks time for a further check-up. I must admit that two hours of travelling for a 15 minute appointment is now becoming tiresome and I wish we could leap forward to the point where an impression is taken and something that actually sits above the gum is fabricated. At present all I have  to show for my investment is a dull, grey metal disk that caps the implant.

Putting dentistry to one side I headed home as quickly as the train timetable allowed and was soon sat back at my desk. The day was spent cost modelling and analysis of the aforementioned models combined with calls to discuss the latest Customer requests for information. It seems that an observation I made last week has ruffled a few feathers and the Sales Team may actually have to go out and do some proper work.

I eventually escaped the clutches of work around half past seven and congratulated myself for the foresight that meant a piping hot sausage casserole was waiting in the slow cooker.

A quieter Sunday

Whiffler decided to wake us up a five o'clock this morning. Presumably the little sod has decided that if he is not to use the house as a lavatory he will find other ways to irritate us. Fortunately 30% volunteered to venture downstairs and sooth the beast, possibly to avoid me wandering down and strangling the damned thing. This meant that I had a couple more hours of sleep and stumbled downstairs at a more acceptable eight o'clock.

After breakfast I ventured out around the Three Miler with T&M, returning mid morning. I then headed out to the garage to get medieval with the Enfield in an attempt to remove the frame from the engine. The cutting disk was brought in to play along with a large hammer and the centre stand is now resting on the pile of scrap. I did need to cut through one of the frame studs to release the stand so will need to add a couple of replacement items to my ever increasing shopping list.

I emerged from my lair at lunchtime and, after eating, bade farewell to 30%, as she is off the Champneys Health Spa for a couple of days with her friend Jules. TP was out at work which meant that my afternoon activities were somewhat constrained as I was on Whiffler Watch. I therefore decided to take him for a walk before returning and knocking up a casserole for TP's and my dinner on Monday.

The rest of the day was relatively leisurely … if you call being on constant watch for a semi-continent puppy "leisurely".