To be honest this isn't the first time I have been the subject of their scrutiny as anyone who is familiar with the malevolent practises of the notorious criminal lawn mower will know. However, following the
... but no, I now have a 15,000 word report summarising my alleged crimes against electrical and petrol powered devices and advising that a whole new investigation is under way following anonymous reports that a Tumble Dryer named Beko has been incarcerated without trial in a cellar at The Pile.
I am now in the process of drafting a carefully worded response to their allegations. To be honest I should treat the report for the nonsense it is and simply ignore it, but it is another quiet day so I have pulled together a few notes ...
... The main thrust of my reply will be based on the treatment given to other appliances at home. After all lets have a look at the Slow Cooker. Despite taking forever to do anything that inverted tortoise of a contraption is treated like Royalty. It sits on the worktop snug in its own electrically heated jacket and after each use it is lovingly hand washed in warm soapy water, then towelled dry and carefully placed back in its base. Are those the actions of a Despot who treats appliances like dirt under his feet? I think not.
Then there is the chain saw that I am on record as declaring my undying admiration for and, of course, the Porn Mower whose perfection has been recounted on several occasions. This is without even starting on the care and attention that the Motorcycles get.
Basically I think the AI (Domestic Appliance division)* are operating outside of their remit here. I think after careful consideration they will see that a) my treatment of powered goods is superior to that of most Developed Nation States and that b) they have no bloody jurisdiction here at The Pile anyway.
As a closing statement I would just like to point out that any Domestic Appliance that likes to have women's underwear stuffed in it's mouth is likely to quite enjoy being chained to a wall in a dark cellar!
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* What this comes down to is the embarrassing lack of action on their part when Tony Hawks ** kidnapped a Fridge, smuggled it across International borders and literally dragged it around a foreign country for his own entertainment and profit ***. This is the White Goods equivalent of a Dancing Bear!** No, not the fucking skateboarder you illiterate
*** Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks (Ebury Press)
Now that's the sort of buffoonery we need around here - you evil despot! Be warned, the cutlery are even as we speak plotting in their drawer to overthrow you. I heard the "potato peeler" clattering with the "bloody sharp knife"! I'd suggest a bunker of some sort (possibly coal) should be constructed just in case they ever succeed...
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