Luxembourg, Schmuxemburg

What a fun time I have had today.

At one of yesterday's meetings Tigger and I were instructed that one of us had to have a case packed and to be in Luxembourg next Thursday morning. "Oooh!" I hear you say "A European Trip, how lovely" ...

... Well yes it would be if it weren't for the God-awful Corporate Travel Booking Tool and the 4 levels of approval required to leave the country. You may have guessed that I have pulled the short straw and will be travelling to the smallest country in Europe*.  I haven't a clue of what I am required to do there other than attend a meeting. Obviously I understand the general background but it would be nice if someone would consider spending 10 minutes briefing me on the purpose of the meeting....

... That is not likely to happen so I have spent an hour or so this morning making travel plans and initiating the approval process.

I'm quite interested to visit The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg but am not  overly keen on meeting my colleagues over there. They were far from cooperative on the recent project. In fact they were bloody obstructive on occasions. I can recall one point where they were actually inserting costs for services that weren't in-scope and the round of Executive Escalations when they refused to remove them.

As a result, it is fair to say, this was not an environment where long lasting friendships were established and I am not looking forward to the false bonhomie I will have to project to a bunch of fucking crooks that would have screwed me over given half a chance.

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* I think you will find that Monaco is a Principality.

Have you seen this man?

I climbed off my branch in The 100 Acre Wood this morning and drove in to The Village to meet up with Tigger and other members of the team for some exiting meetings.

I wandered in to the Office a little before nine o'clock and imagine my horror when I noticed that Tigger has been kidnapped and replaced with a doppelgänger.  I quickly covered up my concerned look and put on my Poker Face. I then spent the rest of the day carefully acting as though nothing was out of the ordinary. I need to point out that it is a cunning deceit and the Double looked and acted exactly like Tigger. It is only my acute attention to detail that made me notice a minor difference in his coiffure that drew my attention to this devious abduction.

I wonder about the Kidnapper's nefarious aims as no ransom demand has yet been found.

Now that I am safely away from work I can now report the matter to the Authorities and do my best as a concerned citizen to assist in locating Tigger. I have therefore developed an "e-fit" picture of the suspect. If you see this man do not approach but report his presence at once to the nearest police officer.

WARNING
Do not approach this man - he may be dangerous

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Other Stuff: Does anyone know the escape velocity that needs to be achieved in order to draw my attention away from an unnaturally blond head?

Fair Game?

Not a lot to report for this Bank Holiday Monday. The morning was spent producing a vast batch of faggots* and these are now residing in the freezer.

On the home front a chap called round and gave us a truly outstanding quotation for some block paving that will resolve a couple of problem areas in the garden. We literally accepted the quote on the spot and he should be turning up with his gang in the next couple of weeks.

The afternoon saw a walk with T&M and this is where the title of this entry has a modicum of relevance. As we wandered round the Three Miler I noticed that the young pheasants had just been released from the rearing pens and were wandering up the road with less savvy than a teenager in a strip club ...

... unfortunately Tyson was quicker than me and charged up the road after them. They are now much more streetwise and Tyson was definitely put through her paces. They all escaped relatively unscathed.

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* For anyone in the US, please don't take offence, these are a traditional UK "meatball" made from pork, onions, breadcrumbs, suet and liver. I have not taken to hurling insults about sexual preference in The Journal ...

... yet

A soupcon of news

The jet-lag from the US trip has been pretty rough this time and I am only now getting anywhere near the UK time zone. 30% is affected similarly but as for TP, who knows! He is 14 and it is difficult to tell whether he is suffering the malaise of the International Jet Setter or is just being a teenager.

Today saw a little kitchen activity and I spent the morning preparing a batch of Pea and Ham soup for the freezer. Once that was simmering nicely T&M were walked and I was back home in time for lunch.

The afternoon saw a trip over to Hampton to visit 30%'s brother and his partner in their new house and we spent a happy hour or so chatting, drinking coffee and looking at the carnage that follows any house move. 30% did her best to offload surplus furniture from The Pile but didn't manage to pique their interest. I think she should have tried harder and her failure is full justification for a bonfire.

First Blood

Nothing special was planned for Saturday, TP was away with his Mum to visit his Grandma in Surrey for a few days and 30% and I had a fairly leisurely day laid out before us. The aim was to get T&M walked and then bathed and then we would pop over to Solihull for some shopping leaving the dogs at home drying off.

So, having waved TP off, I started with the walk. We hadn't gone very far and had just entered a small patch of woodland at the edge of the village, T&M charged off in to the undergrowth and I heard a squeal. I assumed they had disturbed a rat and wandered on calling them to follow.  Marauder failed to appear which is unusual for her so I clambered through the brush to investigate. I found Marauder stood over the body of a rabbit with a sort of "what do I do now?" look on her face.

On closer examination the rabbit showed early signs of Myxomatosis which might explain how M managed to catch it. I was going to say that this is the first item of prey that Marauder has ever caught but that would be ignoring a few stray chickens that she has come across up by the Free Range Egg Farm. I have always managed to liberate these intact bar a few feathers and a ruffled disposition. This, however, is Marauder's first wild kill*.

The rest of the day went pretty much according to plan and the evening saw 30% and I sat on the sofa with a Thai Green Curry and two sweet smelling dogs.

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* Mice** don't count
** If the plural of mouse is mice, is the plural of rats; rice?

We're Back

Its Thursday and we are all settled back in at The Pile. The Jet Lag has been a little troublesome and TP and I were up and about at half past four in the morning on Wednesday. I seem to be over the worst of it but still cannot make it much past the first few minutes of the Ten o'clock News without falling asleep.

We picked up T&M from the kennels on the way back from Heathrow and that was a splendid reunion. We had a fantastic time in The States but we all really missed the dogs. I suppose it goes to show how much they are part of all of our lives. They seem to have had a great time at the kennels and have returned none the worse apart from the fact that they are very dirty and smell of horse shit! It seems that they have been exercised in a Manege and took great delight in rolling in the delicious smells that they found!

Tigger has done a most excellent job whilst I was away and I returned to a very manageable in-box. That has now been cleared and work is reasonably quiet as we wait for Local Country Agreements to be signed on the  current project and for the next project to kick off.

I took my first walk around the Three Miler this evening and note that the Blackberries are ripening. Marauder and I paused to eat a few as we wandered around. Tyson isn't particularly fussed about them but Marauder will pick them from the brambles herself. While we were away many of the fields were harvested in the long spell of dry weather and T&M now have acres of stubble to charge across.

I now have some 700 or more photos to trawl through to see which ones are worth inserting on to The Journal.

Journey Stats

US Miles Driven:  2,438
US States Visited:  7  (Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Idaho, Arizona, Wyoming & Montana)

Day 14: Quote of the day

This Wal-Mart is crap. The last one sold guns and shit!


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Day 13: 24 Hours in Vegas

It's my third stay in this town and it still isn't growing on me.

I'm not a fan. Its cheap, it's tacky and every facet is designed to separate you from your cash whilst ensuring that you receive little if anything in return.

Everyone seems to do the same tired, zombie like trudge from shop to shop, hotel to hotel and casino to casino. They slurp lurid iced cocktails and clutch either burgers or wailing brats with the other hand.

There are those that sit chained to the one armed bandits pressing buttons. Gone is the reward of coins falling in the tray, both winnings and stake are added to or taken from a credit type card. They sit like patients in a dialysis unit rather than Gamers in a casino.

The Hens and Stags are all having a great time but it's not for me.




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Day 12: Nephi, UT to Las Vegas, NV

Another 300 mile drive so it's numb bum again.

We arrived in the Sin City around three in the afternoon and checked in to New York New York.


A wander up the strip is the most significant achievement especially in 104 degrees of heat.


It is made of jelly beans

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Day 11: Canyon, Yellowstone to Nephi, Utah

450 miles in one hit stopping only for fuel and coffee. I now have a numb bum.

We are on the long run back to Las Vegas. The total distance is over 750 miles but we have broken the back of it today. We have a little over 300 miles to do tomorrow.

The journey took us out of Yellowstone's West exit and along route 20 in to Idaho before taking the I 15 South past Salt Lake City.

The drive was a fairly easy run through farm land with mountain ranges an ever present backdrop. The only painful part was hitting Salt Lake City during rush hour and having bumper to bumper, stop/start traffic for an hour or more.

Nephi is a pleasant enough little town but the restaurant was dry! Thank Heavens we had a bottle of wine in the ice box. I needed a glass after today's drive.


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Day 10: Mammoth to Canyon

We took a quick wander around the Travertine terraces at Mammoth before we left this morning. They were impressive but I have a memory from nearly 20 years ago of climbing the terraces at Pamucale in Turkey and in my memories the Turks have it on size and gleaming whiteness. Of course I know how time distorts and have promised myself that I will unearth the old photos to compare.

After leaving Mammoth we took a brief detour in to the Lamar Valley as we had been advised that there was plenty of wildlife there. They were not wrong, within a few miles we had passed two herds of Bison each numbering at least 100 animals.

After a spot of Bison watching we returned to our route which took us over Mount Washburn. Near the summit we stopped for a break and 30% got chatting to a fellow visitor. She returned and excitedly informed is that there were reports of a Grizzly Bear a few miles down the road.

The "Bear Jam" came into view and we managed to find a parking place. For the next hour we watched as a solitary Grizzly wandered across the hillside 100 yards away rooting amongst the herbs. When it eventually disappeared from view we climbed back in to the car and were soon checking in to our cabin in Canyon.



This is not the Grizzly

After a leisurely afternoon we took a drive out to view the canyon and Falls before spending a fruitless hour watching a bison carcass in the hope of seeing scavenging wolves. None came but we had a great natter with two brothers-in-law touring the park.

Tomorrow we leave the park for the long drive back to Las Vegas.


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Day 9: Old Faithful to Mammoth

If I see another fucking geyser or hot spring I swear I will go Postal.

Don't get me wrong, the geysers are impressive and the vivid colours of the hot springs are beautiful and alluring but you can definitely have too much of a good thing.




Day 3 of geyser spotting was definitely too much for me and I now see them simply as pools that smell like a neglected lavatory. Some of the ones I saw today were reasonably impressive and the chromatic pool was truly memorable but many of them looked and smelt like boiling puddles of Elk piss with twigs in them.

I think I am now at the point where I would say do the Old Faithful walks, visit the Chromatic Pool and the bubbling mud at Fountain Paint Pots and leave it that. To be cynically honest a boiling kettle or a deep hot bath after a week long vegan diet are a fair match for the rest of them.

We are now at Mammoth in the North of the park which is famous for it's travertine terraces. In my present humour these may be too close to geysers for my liking.




After days of scouting for wildlife Mammoth is a complete surprise as we are at much higher altitudes and there are Elk all over the place. They are literally wandering about in front of the hotel.

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Day 8: Bison Jam

This morning we were breakfasted and out of our cabin by half past eight. We spent the morning taking a leisurely three or four mile hike around the geysers that surround Old Faithful. Our early start meant that we were always well ahead of the crowds and it was only as we approached Hamilton's Store at lunchtime that we saw larger groups of people.

The walk was punctuated at short intervals with geysers and thermal pools and the highlights included seeing The Castle spout which it only does a couple of times each day. The thermal pools are quite mesmerising as the water is crystal clear and the colours and forms of the mineral and algal deposits are truly beautiful.

After lunch we wandered back past Old Faithful and stopped to chat with a couple from Florida. Actually we stopped to stroke their large black Golden Doodle and thought we had better talk to them too out of politeness as it has been a week now with no canine company and we do miss T & M.

We got to talking about the park wildlife and they advised us to drive the 90 mile South Yellowstone loop as there was a 200 head herd of bison on the meadows between Canyon and Fishing Bridge.

So that was our afternoon sorted. The drive was a gentle 45 mph run through forest, open meadows and rolling hills. Yellowstone's volcanic history was never far away and from time to time a geyser or steaming vent came in to view.

Within a few miles we found our first wildlife as a group of four Elk cows sunned themselves by the roadside. Further on we were halted by our first "Elk Jam" as we crawled a mile or more to where a bull Elk was grazing by the roadside. The photos were a more than adequate reward for the wait to see such a fine animal.

Further on 30% excitedly called us to a halt as she had spotted a solitary Bison Bull resting by the road. As we took photos a Biker slowed and shouted that there were 200 just down the road. He hadn't exaggerated. Once we reached the end of the traffic queue were were rewarded with a herd of Bison and they are truly magnificent beasts. We even saw a bull swim across the river directly alongside the car and then shake off the water and dust bathe less than 20 yards away.

The real treat was a mile or so further on where we pulled in to a wooded picnic area where a dozen or more bison were resting in the shade. There were cows with light tan coloured calves and also a fine snorting and grunting bull who was escorting a cow that was obviously about to come in to season.

We arrived back at OF a little after seven and relaxed before dinner at The Old Faithful Lodge.
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Quote of the day: Ye Gods TP it smells like privy at Midsummer.

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Day 7: Grand Tetons to Yellowstone

Today we took our leave of Jackson Hole and headed on to Yellowstone National Park. Our chosen route was up through the Teton Park and we took the slower, narrow road from the Park entrance towards Teton Village. The road runs alongside the Snake River and we were rewarded with a close encounter with a cow moose. TP grabbed a couple of photos before the traffic build up forced us to move on.

The drive up to Yellowstone was an easy 70 miles of gently curving roads through forest interspersed with sunny meadows. We are staying in a cabin* a stones throw from the Old Faithful Geyser and arrived in the early afternoon. This gave us enough time to see Old Faithful do it's stuff a couple of times and take a walk around Geyser Hill before supper up at the Lodge. After dinner we sat out on the veranda and watched the sun set behind Old Faithful. A great end to the day.




Mineral Spring near Old Faithful, Yellowstone
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* think "shed with a bed"

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Day 6 continued

The planned early start didn't happen and instead we started with a leisurely, al fresco breakfast before taking a drive through the park.

We eventually arrived in Teton Village;a ski resort at the foot of Rendezvous Mountain. We took the lift to the 10,000 foot summit and enjoyed a brief stroll before settling at the mountain top cafe to enjoy the views in the company of a beer.

Back down in Teton Village we took another lift up to a restaurant where 30% partook of a champagne cocktail and we shared a couple of appetisers. Again the views were truly spectacular and the great food and drink added a touch of luxury to the splendour of the vista ....

.... However there was an "even better than that" moment as we saw our first Moose relaxing in the shade as we rode the lift to the top.

Tomorrow we set out for Yellowstone which is some 70 miles North.

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Day 6: Beer & Cocktails on a Mountain

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Day 5: Grand Tetons National Park

Today we took a short drive out of Jackson Hole and had our first day in the Grand Tetons National Park. It is quite a small park by US standards being only 25 miles by about 45,

The views are dominated by the Teton range that still bear snow in the middle of August.


We parked up by Jenny Lake and took the shuttle boat to the far shore where we took a short but strenuous walk up Cascade Canyon to the Hidden Falls and Inspiration Point.

In the afternoon I settled down with my book on the shore of String Lake. TP and 30% swam in this glacial lake and by their squeals it lived up to this description.

This evening saw us in prime seats for America's oldest sport ...

... Yes, we went to the Jackson Rodeo and had a great couple of hours watching all the Rodeo staples including Bull Riding, Barrel Racing and Calf Roping.

Tomorrow we plan to have an early start in an attempt to spot some of the larger wildlife before they lie up to avoid the heat of the day.

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Day 4: Vernal Ut to Jackson Wy

Today was always going to be a long, long drive. The Mapquest website indicates that it is 285 miles and estimates the journey time at just under 6 hours.

We therefore planned to leave Vernal early and keep on going until we arrived in Jackson which is just outside the Grand Tetons National Park in Wyoming.

Before leaving we made the traditional holiday visit to Walmart. I have to be honest here and admit that this is visit #2. Visit #1was yesterday and I now have three pairs of jeans to have taken up when I get home! Today's visit was to pick up a replacement SLR and I walked out with a new Canon EOS 550D.

The journey was fine. The views were fantastic and we arrived in Jackson around three o'clock. I did score top marks in the game of roadkill i-spy when I spotted a dead coyote en route. It certainly beats the flabbits back home.

Jackson is a pleasant little town, a little touristy perhaps but fine all the same. I carried on my shopping spree here and now have a new hat to replace the Stetson that received Marauder's attention a few months ago.

TP and 30% were also bitten by the shopping bug and I see a handbag purchase coming up. I'm not so sure that a stuffed bison head is going to make it back home though.


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Day 3: A slight change of plan

The original plan for today was to travel up to Dinosaur, Co but things didn't pan out quite as we expected, however let's recount things in chronological order.

We Breakfasted in Moab, Ut before returning to Arches National Park to continue yesterday's sightseeing. It is a truly beautiful and breathtaking place and we spent the morning driving through the park stopping frequently to walk out to the many viewpoints. In true US National Parks Service style most major sights are easily reached via well built paths only a short walk from the frequent roadside car parks. This is a boon as, although we enjoy a good walk, 30% is still recovering from her broken foot.


I amused myself giving new names to the rock formations and congratulated myself on "the proud sheep", "the dragon" and "the chameleon" but then things got out of hand and a ranger asked me to leave after a particularly prominent column was christened "mademoiselle's pleasurer"*.

After lunch we took our leave of Arches and started out for Dinosaur some 200 miles away. The I 70 soon took us out of Utah's canyons and desert and before long we were on route 139 taking in Colorado's farm lands, mountains and valleys.

We had planned to stay in Dinosaur and take a brief detour through the Dinosaur National Monument. The Dinosaur Quarry is closed until October 2011 when the new Visitor Centre will open so we knew that the main feature was "out of order". It was therefore a fairly easy decision to push on to Vernal when we found that both Dinosaur and Jensen had no accommodation available. Dinosaur incidentally is a rats arse of a place where the most attractive feature was a yard full of scrap cars. Talk about trading on a name, avoid it all costs!

So here we are in Vernal and tomorrow will see us drive nearly 250 miles to Jackson Wy; the entrance to the Grand Tetons National Park.
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* this may not be true

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Day 2: Bryce Canyon to Arches National Park

Today saw us head out on route 12 from Bryce Canyon National Park. Our first stop was only a few miles down the road where we took a brief detour to the Kodachrome Basin State Park before heading on to Escalante to take in the sights of the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument*.

This was one of the last areas of the USA to be mapped due to the remote and rugged terrain and the road we drove between Escalante and Boulder was not completed until the 1940s. Prior to this mail was brought in by mules. The views across the plateau are truly breathtaking.

Today has been a day away from the Interstate routes driving through some of the most beautiful canyon country. Our final destination of Arches National Park truly topped everything we have seen so far. The eroded red sandstone structures are truly awe inspiring to one more used to Britain's more conservative geography and geology.


Courthouse Towers


3,500 tons of Balanced Rock


North & South Windows

This evening we are staying in Moab which is positively cosmopolitan after yesterday's stop in Tropic where we were informed that the resident horse had left in search of adventure.
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* one of the wildlife highlights of the day was Humming Birds at Escalante. They were charming but I have decreed that my holiday will not be complete until I see a Mountain Lion and a Bear in death duel over the corpse of a Buffalo.

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Day 1: Las Vegas to Bryce Canyon

We arrived in Vegas last night at about 8pm local time and were shattered as our body clocks were saying 4 in the morning.

The reserved Pontiac G6 was not available from Avis and we were given a Subaru Impreza instead. TP and I expected a WRX. How wrong were we. It was about the size of a VW Golf and had a tiny boot. We used it to get to our hotel and then swapped it for a Nissan Maxima first thing this morning. "First thing" really was first thing as the aforementioned jet lag had us wide awake at a little after three a.m.

So We were heading North out of Vegas on the I15 before eight in the morning. We are headed for Bryce Canyon and will cover somewhere in the region of 220 miles to get there. Bryce is a US National Park best known for it's hoodoos. These are rock columns formed as a result of rain and snow melt erosion.



We had a great day taking in the splendour of America's Open vistas and took a short hike down into the canyon to get a different perspective on these fantastic structures.





It has been a great fist day only slightly marred by the fact that my Canon SLR has had a hissy fit and refuses to do anything but display an error 99 code. I am not best impressed that I am now hauling a very expensive/worthless bag of camera kit around !

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Heathrow

A Sunny Day at Heathrow T5 - Not!

Here's a thought; why do they have luggage shops at airports? I cannot think of very many situations that would necessitate the purchase of a new suitcase at an airport. I'll acknowledge that a last minute Samsonite malfunction might require a replacement to be bought at check-in but I doubt that this is the basis for a successful business model.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know as I have never seen anyone in an airport car park with arms full of clothing that they plan to pack in the Departure Lounge.

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Other Stuff
Chippy Ian arrived this morning to start fitting our new windows. The first one was offered in to place before we left for the airport and it looks fantastic compared to the nasty double glazed units that are being replaced. By the time we get home he will have finished and that is the last major job that the house needs. As 30% glibly puts it "it's just decorating from here on in" ...

... "yes Dear"




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I'll be back...

... and so we reach Sunday.

The lawn has been mown, the bags have been packed, T&M have been taken to the kennels. 30%'s brother Stevie has been briefed and will take on house sitting duties for the next two weeks.

We are now ready to leave apart from those last minute items that need to be used on the day of departure. I must admit that I have a rather blasé approach to packing. I work on the principal that I need a credit card, my tickets, passport and insulin. So long as I have that I can work through most problems. It is therefore surprising that 30% always asks me to pack the cases. Apparently I am better at tucking objects in to cases than her ...

... mind you, having seen the state of the Dishwasher when she attempt to fill it, I shudder at the thought of what her case would look like!

I'm not sure whether there will be any Journal entries over the next couple of weeks. I have my i-Phone so they are a possibility but I make no promises.

So to anyone who reads this nonsense I will say "bye for now and I'll see you in a couple of weeks".

Cheerio

bad man

Don't ask me

So here we are. It is Friday and my last day at work for a couple of weeks.

The day started with the regular early morning chat with Tigger where much laughing took place and some work was apparently done. Tigger is running the show for the next couple of weeks and will start with a deserved trip to Boston where he will spend 5 days doing 45 minutes work :-)

Most of my day was spent tying up loose ends and ensuring key activities would be progressed. I did have an Executive escalation call that I was not looking forward to. I was presenting someone else's material and was concerned that I would get interrogated to a level deeper than my understanding. Fortunately the Gods smiled upon me and basically my working day ended there.

I took T&M out for an early walk as today is Bad Man Senior's 79th Birthday. We met up with BM Snr, Step Mum Sue and Brother for Dinner at a local hostelry. It was a lovely evening but was most definitely not a late one and we were back home well before the News at 10.

Another early start

Today was another five thirty start. This time I was down in London at Canary Wharf for a Customer meeting. I didn’t have to present and didn’t get any questions so had quite a pleasant couple of hours before we trundled in to the Central London Circle of Hell for another meeting with the Client.

This was less pink and fluffy and a lot more down in to the nitty gritty. It went very well but it rapidly became apparent that our American Colleagues, on both sides, have been a little economical with the truth and a little slapdash with the facts when we originally developed our Proposal…

… I see some challenging conversations will be held over the next few months but first we need them to sign our UK Contract - appropriate Executive pressure was applied.

I then had time for a couple of gins with a colleague before sampling the delights of the British Public Transport system**. With the 2012 Olympics only 12 months away I have this message for London Commuters and Olympic Ticket holders…

… YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKED*!

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* My Consumer advise would be to flog the tickets on e-Bay and use the proceeds to buy a “Fuck Off” big flat screen telly and watch them from the comfort of your own home

** Take the train, you can work, you can stretch your legs, there are refreshments.  So how come my experience mainly seems to be having my head repeatedly banged by a wide range of elbows and suitcases and being presented with a table flap that is not big enough to hold my laptop so that the screen is readable. Let's also not forget the oh, so smooth ride that means that every single word is mistyped as I am jolted from side to side.  Do not, I repeat DO NOT get me started on the toilets either. In summary the train is fine so long as you are not hungry, have emptied your bladder first and just want to sleep until you reach your destination. In fact the train is great if this is your plan as you invariably find you get to sleep for longer than planned due to convenient points failures or, in my case, a dead train blocking the platform at Oxford

I really needed another couple of hours ...

... for some strange reason I was very tired when the alarm went off at seven o’clock this morning. I think it was probably all down to dealing with the pressure of yesterday’s session and the trials we had to endure to actually reach the venue. I am sure this must be right as Tigger felt exactly the same.

The morning session was a quiet affair and we closed everything down at lunchtime. I then had a quick meeting with my Boss before we climbed back in the Land Rover and head back to the Sunny Shires.

It was nice to have a relatively relaxed day after the hassle of running this damned hand-over session. The actual presentation side of things was straightforward it is the buggering about arranging things that was a Grade A pain in the arse.

Other Stuff

30% has had a hectic couple of days as she has been running the house, looking after TP and had to prepare a Presentation in under 12 hours for an internal interview that was held this morning. She felt it went well so we wait with fingers crossed for news.

They say bad things happen in threes

Well Tigger and me really put that to the test this morning. Let me explain ….

… Today is the first day of our hand-over session. We have spent the past couple of weeks herding cats in an attempt to get this damned thing arranged and we must run the meeting so that the Delivery Guys understand what they are supposed to be doing.  The session was scheduled to start at ten o’clock in a Hampshire town that has nothing famous to brag about. *

I dutifully hauled my sorry arse out of bed at five thirty**, performed ablutions and got in the Defender to drive over to Tigger’s house. The plan was to drive down in Tigger’s car. I arrived at the hollowed out volcano to find Tigger outside shouting “Fuck” repeatedly at his car. On enquiring as to the nature of the problem he said “Fuck” some more and then advised that his immobilizer was working rather too well. This was obviously Bad Thing #1 and we rapidly decided that the Defender would be the car of choice to travel down to sunny Hampshire – problem solved.

As I loaded Tigger’s bag in to the capacious rear I had a moment of self doubt. This rapidly turned in to another “Oh Fuck” moment as a quick check revealed that, in the early morning rush, I had managed to leave my wallet thirty miles away on top of the microwave. I said “Fuck” a few more times and considered going back to get it but that would totally screw our start time. This was obviously Bad Thing #2. Tigger did the honourable thing and offered to fund my trip on his corporate card and I could sort refunds out when we got home – problem solved.

So off we started towards our destination and had a quite delightful trip across the Cotswolds. After a while we hit the M4 and then the M3 and I noticed a sign for our destination. I mentioned this to Tigger who was in the Navigator’s seat. He calmly said that we were fine on the Motorway and should not turn off. I followed his instructions as I was unfamiliar with the route but got very concerned when I recognised a roundabout and remonstrated that we were headed for an entirely different Circle of Hell to the one we were supposed to be at. This was obviously Bad Thing #3. Tigger then said “Fuck” some more and then put the correct location in to the Satellite Navigation app. We had gone about 20 miles out of our way but had plenty of time in reserve so wouldn’t be late – problem solved.

Now some people might think, that after that start, the day would have been a nightmare but we arrived in plenty of time, our Agenda was good and our presentations were well received. To be honest it couldn’t really have gone any better and by 4.30 were had finished the first day’s session and were headed back to the hotel.

Yes – this might be the start of Bad Thing #4. It was very hot, we were very tired and we had all managed to persuade the hotel receptionist that we were worthy of complimentary drinks vouchers. I did have to do the Shrek Cat Face as part of my plea but I did get a free pint of Stella. The more I think about this the less I remember but apparently we did have a very funny night and a great Thai meal and did stay up until two o’clock in the morning.

I did some subtle checking and there was no suggestion that I committed any crimes as I do have a tendency to get a little over excited when I’m drunk.

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* We Googled it and it really does have nothing of interest to see and nothing of interest has ever happened there. That probably makes it unique in the British Isles and I may mention that to the town council. They might like to use it in their next “Come to Best Soaking***” Town Promotional material.

** Please make a mental note of this early hour as it may help explain later events

*** This is an anagram

5 Days to go ...

... the Count Down has officially started. I have just five days left at work before we head off to America for our Summer Holiday. It is going to be a very busy week and I have a few significant meetings to get through before I can click "Enable" on my Out Of Office message.

I've made a start

Sometimes I have Polos in my pocket

Sometimes I have dog biscuits in my pocket

Sometimes I have both

Sometimes Polos undergo a packaging malfunction

Sometimes the dogs get minty gravy bones

Sometimes I get gravy flavoured mints

Sometimes worse things happen!

------

DIY News

After an extended period of procrastination I finally made a start on the preparation work needed on the Stairs and Landing.  There was an abortive attempt to fit the final piece of skirting board last week but I quickly discovered that one of the radiators needs to be removed and repositioned to achieve this. As this will involve the local Plumber I have put this off until we get back from our holiday...

... so what did I do today? I stripped the paint from the Bannisters and am quite pleased with the result. I am aware that there is a huge amount of work to do before we are ready for the painters but at least I have now made a start.

Haircuts all round

I had an early start today to make an 8.15 appointment for a haircut. Fortunately the coiffeuse is only a 5 minute walk from home so at least there was no need to schlep in to town, park etc. By 9 o'clock I was back home; shorn and drinking coffee.

I had nothing major planned for the rest of the day when 30% came up with a stroke of genius...

... Yesterdays walk with T&M involved an encounter with a cat. They spotted it patrolling a hedgerow and charged off to investigate. The cat scarpered leaving the dogs frantically circling searching for it. I appreciate that this seems like an odd  diversion but I will get to the point. You see, once the dogs have got in to "chasing mode" that is it. Every rustle, every squeak is, in their minds, something that must be pursued and caught. So most of the walk was spent charging in and out of hedges and careering along the edges of fields in search of imaginary beasts. The end result was that they returned home with their coats filled to maximum capacity with grass seeds.

So faced with the effort of dragging grass seeds from 3" long poodle fur plus a weather forecast predicting very hot weather plus them facing two weeks in kennels 30% suggested that we give them an all over clip. I found the clippers, plugged them in and soon had two very skinny looking dogs.

I really fancy having a go at a sheep next. 

No, don't worry, I've got nothing else to do ...

Today it appeared that I got mistaken for MS Office Service Desk Support Specialist*.

First I may need to explain that I work with Professional IT Services Specialists. I therefore have a perfectly reasonable expectation that they can use Office software products to a proficient standard.  I'm not talking about them being Tools Gurus** or anything like that but they should be able to create a document or use a spreadsheet to manipulate data at the very least ...

... or that's what I thought. This morning I received a mail from our Contracts Guy. Let's call him Slippery Pete. Now over the past few weeks I have had a few e-mail exchanges with Slippery where he seems to want me to do his job. The communications go along the lines of "Badman, have you reviewed Section A of the Contract to ensure our Services are appropriately described?". I then have to trawl though Contracts so that I can point the aforementioned Legal Specialist at sub-sections and turn the question around to ask him if they meet his requirements.

In a less cynical moment I once assumed that he had a lot on his plate and was just to busy to deal with these enquiries but this moments is long gone. I now think that he is a lazy Inadequate, especially after today's e-mail. It went like this ...

"Bad man, is there any way you could convert your table in to MS Word document so I can then cut and paste it in to the Contract"

The table in question was a very simple, very small matrix created in MS Excel. I was somewhat flabbergasted by the request as it probably took longer to draft the email than it would have to highlight the cells in the spreadsheet, press Ctrl + c to copy them and then position the cursor at the required point in the Contract document and press Ctrl + v to paste them in as a table.

After a minor rant to Tigger about the lazy fuckwit I drafted a suitably informative reply. I'm guessing that the sarcasm was too subtle as he replied with "Thanks!!!".

Is it me?

-------

* Now there is a fabricated Job Title if ever there was one. I see quite a few in my line of work and one of my favourites is a chap across the Pond who describes himself as "Executive I/T Architect - Solution Integration Architect". That sounds like Lord High God, chief of all Wizards but he actually appears to be a "Gopher", as in go for this, go for that.
** mind you, if I drop the "Guru" I'm bang on in this case

Black Clouds?

A bit of an odd title considering that today was absolutely beautiful.

The title references a senior Daemon at Dante's who feels that his opinion and demands may have not been fully considered during the frantic two weeks when Tigger and I were working every hour god sent in order to catch us a nelifunt.

He has a bee in his bonnet about a Delivery issue and it appears that he is trying to use our Project to publicise his concerns. It therefore looks like I am going to be his whipping boy for a couple of hours next week while he has his little rant. I have encountered him before and he is one of those people that are always in transmit mode. It doesn't matter what I say or do, he is right and anything I say is going to be wrong.

I have therefore assembled some carefully worded slides and suggested appropriate Subject Matter Experts. I will read from my slides and direct any questions to the SMEs that he may, or may not, have invited. I'm going with the approach of "the less I say, the less he has to latch on to".

Don't get me wrong, his concern is valid and the issue is real but my project is a symptom not the cause and he needs to bark up a very different tree to put things right. My managers share this view so at least I know that I am not being hung out to dry here.

The call is scheduled for the afternoon of Friday 5th August and he has a flight to catch immediately afterwards. At worst this limits the amount of ranting I have to endure and at best he may be distracted by whether he has packed his passport or not.*

--------

* If any members of UK HM Revenue & Customers are reading this they should keep a close eye on wheezing Americans Execs leaving the country on Friday next. The chances are that their cases are filled with contraband. If you can't find any in the case you know where to look next lads ....

Quote of the Day

Today Golfy and I met up down in The Village to assemble a piece of reusable Intellectual Capital...

... we threw together a PowerPoint Presentation that we would both be using over the next couple of weeks in an attempt to disengage from the Project.

During this escapade a fairly obvious statement was presented as a question and it earned the natural response of "Does the Pope shit in the woods". A brief discussion followed and I have now managed to argue myself in to a position where I have denied the existence of bears. As evidence of that I am presenting a photo of a Pope that I took - I nearly said shot - in San Diego in 2006.

A Pope, relaxing

Horses for Courses

Tuesday evening saw a ride out with Chippy Ian, Mick, Cheryl and Steve. TP is away at his Grandma's so I contemplated taking the Ducati. I mentioned this to Ian when he called and he thought that the loosely planned route would suit it ...

... Cheers Ian.

I had ridden her on Sunday and most of the 40 or 50 miles had been a nightmare. She is designed to win races and consequently is suited to fast twisting roads with series of bends. Junctions and Traffic Lights, country lanes and pot holes are not her natural territory. My Sunday route avoided the narrow lanes but instead found horse boxes, caravans and open top tourers every where. It was a hot sweaty grind of crunched gear changes and bridled power. There were moments of pleasure when the road opened up, over taking was feasible and 3rd, 4th or even 5th gear could be selected but these were few. They do however make up for the general frustration JUST!

Back to Tuesday evening, Ian's rout took us out through Pershore and over to Upton-on-Severn before climbing up to British Camp on the Malverns, so far, so good. We headed out towards Ledbury and were now in to Herefordshire, famous for its country lanes ...

... yep COUNTRY LANES. I now had several miles riding a race bike in first and second gear, forced in to a race crouch with most of my upper body weight borne by my forearms. This was not fun. The company was great, the stop at the Pub for coffee was welcome and I had a great evening. I was just glad to bear off at Pershore and find a few open roads that allowed me to up the pace somewhat and use her at her optimum revs and pace rather than trundle her past a hop yard.

Ho Hum.

Hello, anybody there ?

I've not blogged for a few days ...

... the reason why is probably laziness, or is it? Every time I write something I get two or three sentences in and then scrub it out. The reason for this is that within a couple of sentences I mention "The Project" - You see, I did it again - and a few words later I find myself yawning.

I think that it has become "all encompassing" and now it has signed I just want to be rid of it and move on to something else. I also want to re-balance my focus so it is less "work" and more "nonsense". I am very conscious that the deal has taken over a large part of my thoughts and I want them back  ....

... yep, I want my thoughts back right NOW. Yes, all you little sparks of consciousness about PC baselines and cost case adjustments can just piss off back to where you came from and let me get back to the mental state where I can devote my time to seeing whether varieties of soup is a good theme to use when you name your cats ...

... For example :-

• Gazpacho - a perfect name for any fat cat
• Mulligatawny - what a great name for a Tabby
• Tomato - any ginger cat
• Tom Yum - a slender Siamese Tom Cat perhaps
• Vichyssoise - definitely an  elegant feline name, if ever there was one

Is it just me that thinks that there seems to be some strange link between soup and cats? Think about it, Wonton, Borscht, Chowder, they are all great cat names. I admit that cream of mushroom is never going to work but there are plenty of soup names that would suit your cat. Thinking about it sadly departed Potato, who was really called Spud, is actually a soup name too. If you need hard evidence that I'm on to something that is it.

Moving back to a slightly saner plane of consciousness some other stuff did happen over the past few days.

30% discovered that she actually broke a bone in her foot when she tripped a few weeks ago. This late diagnosis was made when she went for some Physio for a completely different ailment. The good news is that it is healing nicely and she needs no plaster or additional support and should just carry on "as is". Needless to say, she is somewhat peeved that she didn't visit A&E at the time of the injury and benefit from a few days off sick.

I was invited to attend a series of meetings in the States during the week of the 8th of August. This is actually the first week of our road trip to Yellowstone so I will be holidaying out West rather than sitting in an East Coast Office. I did manage to delegate this to Tigger who is now busy working out the route from the Boston Office to the nearest Apple Store.

On the home front, I completed the cure of the bacon I started ages ago and I now have 6 lbs of Black, Back Bacon in the freezer. There is also a tub of lardons in the fridge, chopped up from the leftovers. 30% threw a handful in to the frittata that was this evening's supper and I can confirm that I am very happy with the way this cure turned out.

TP has broken up from school and has started his holidays by seeing how much time he can spend as a guest in other people's houses. so far he has managed a night at Henry's before disappearing with his Mum down to his Grandma's for a week. Every time I look at the pile of recycling and the full, but clean, dishwasher I realise how much I miss him*.

Finally my younger brother called round this afternoon. He has recently graduated from Cardiff University as an Illustrator and we are all very proud of him. Back in January I gave him a little help with his Thesis and by way of thanks he agreed to update the Avatar that I use in The Journal. Today he came over and gave me the jpg file. I am absolutely delighted with it. See for yourself ...

 ---------

*I appreciate that I may have told that joke before but it is worth repeating in case you missed it first time around.

Apparently they did ...

... sign the contract but there have been no fanfares or ticker tape parades. It has all been very quiet and this is very unusual as Dante's Nine Circles of Hell do like to make an announcement on occasions such as this. There are promises of "announcements later in the week" once the client has completed its internal and external communications. So we shall see whether Tigger and me get a mention in the Supporting Cast.

If one knows what to look for, a quick Google search will rapidly confirm that the deal has been done and who is now in bed with whom. I have to admit that this stage of the deal is quite tedious. There is very little to do until the local contracts are signed and the Delivery Guys are ready to take on the project. So I sit on my branch in The Hundred Acre Wood listening telling stories I have told many times before and chasing Bunnies and Weasels  for long overdue deliverables.

Away from work, the weather was reasonably clear this evening so I had an early supper and took a ride out on the Honda with Chippy Ian, Mick and couple of other guys.

Rather than having to sit at home and scratch my head trying to remember where we had been, I used a satellite tracking application on my phone to log our route and it was then a fairly simple matter of extracting that route and presenting it as a map here in The Journal. So there you have it, 109 miles of twisty Cotswold lanes with some of the finest views. At one point the sky did turn a strange blue colour and a nasty bright object appeared in the sky but it didn't trouble us for long and we soon had that comforting grey cloud that has typified the weather for the past week or so. There was also a late evening stop at a Pub in Burford for coffee and we were able to sit and chat outside on that fine Cotswold High Street.

Waiting ...

Will they or won't they?

It seems that all the i's have been dotted and the t's crossed. The arguments have been settled * and today will be the day that the contract gets autographed. Backs will be slapped, hands will be shaken, there will be "high fives" ** and I am guessing that a few high end consumer goods will now be order for a few of the senior team members.

It will be late in the evening before I hear anything and it is obviously now too late for me to do anything but think about the next stage of the project and start to prepare to hand it over the the Transition and Delivery Teams.

There will still be a raft of Country Agreements to be signed and Project changes that will need to be progressed but today is the big hurdle. After the autograph session today we have it in the bag***

------

* let's see how long that lasts 
** God Bless our Colonial Cousins, as they know not how to behave. A simple "well done, old chap"  is more than sufficient.

*** Tigger and me just need some sharp scissors to cut the head of the nelifunt and some good glue so we can stick it on the wall above the fireplace

Weekend Round Up

After Friday's intense series of calls and debates Saturday was a welcome blank on the calendar. TP was taken to a local carnival where he was playing Touch Rugby as part of a recruitment drive for his club. 30% was down at the workshop having her hair done so I was left to my own devices.

I am proud to say that I frittered away a good few hours drinking coffee, watching TV and reading the on-line edition of the New Scientist. After lunch I took T&M for a short walk. The weather was atrocious and there was no way that I would manage the Three Miler without a soaking so I did a much abbreviated route and managed to avoid anything more than a few drops of rain.

Later in the afternoon we both collected TP from the carnival and then returned home and finished our slothful day.

Sunday was marginally more productive. I extracted the two pork loins that I have been dry curing; soaked them for an hour and then liberally massaged them with black treacle before returning them to the fridge. In another six or seven days these will be fine pieces of Black, Back Bacon.

We also spent a couple of hours making preparations for our holiday. 30% booked our first night's stay in Las Vegas and I completed the on-line Visa waivers for TP and 30%. We then started to break up the long trip from Las Vegas up to Yellowstone in to reasonable chunks.

The chosen route will take us over to Bryce Canyon National Park and then on to The Arches National Park. We will then leave Utah and visit the Dinosaur National Monument which straddles the Utah / Colorado State Line. From there it is a long haul up to Jackson, Wyoming for the Grand Tetons National Park  which is at the Southern end of our destination; Yellowstone. This is in the region of 1150 miles, excluding any trips off the beaten track, and we have seven days to complete it. We have chalets booked in Yellowstone for four nights and then will take the more direct route down the I5 back to Vegas. This is around 800 miles and we have three days to reach Las Vegas for a final night on The Strip before we fly home...

... so that's the theory, lets see how it all pans out.

I also finally committed myself and ordered a new zoom lens for my digital SLR. I have been mulling this over for several weeks and have steered away from my "never to happen" fantasy of buying a Canon professional lens and went with the sensible option of the Canon EF 75-300mm f/4.0-5.6 III Lens at a very reasonable price.  I was tempted by the latest, image stabilised model but much of my photography nowadays is with a compact as I usually have two dogs which deter me from lugging an SLR camera around.  I decided that potential use would never justify the price of the latest model ...

... and I also have my eye on a fine carbon fibre Hugger that will sit nicely on the swinging arm of the Ducati.

That pretty much summarises the weekend; relaxation and holiday planning. Roll on August.

Between a rock and a hard place ...

... with a 'phone stuck to my ear.

After my late night call with Christopher Robin I have spent most of the day on calls with the Deal Team discussing how to deal with a significant increase in the number of PCs. Understandably the Sales Guys just want to close the deal and simply want to increase the price using our current unit rates. Unfortunately it is not that simple and this change is so large that it will invalidate our unit rates in certain countries. Hence the Delivery Guys will not approve this approach.

I have therefore been summoned to call after call to reiterate this message. When I wasn't on these calls I was talking to our End User Guy who has the largest most sophisticated fag packet I have ever seen in my life. He did a sterling job of coming up with best and worst case estimates and lets just say that the best of them is not particularly encouraging.

It might sound quite stressful but to be honest I just rolled with it. We are scheduled to deliver final contract papers early on Saturday morning and this change will take the best part of a week to do anywhere near properly. Realistically all I am here to do is clarify the impact,  report approval positions and do my best to quantify the impact of the change. It will then be down to some Executive Daemon sat in their own Brimstone Jacuzzi to make a call and the deal will be signed, in blood of course.

The working day actually finished at a reasonable hour and I did get to break away from the 'phone and chat with my Dad and Sue when they called to collect Tilly. We had been dog sitting as they had spent the day at my younger brother's Graduation in Cardiff.

Do you know what time it is?

Thursday pretty much came and went, if you know what I mean.

The main gripe from my perspective is that I seemed to be repeatedly drafted in to do other people's jobs. These were jobs that were well outside my remit and clearly attributable to other team members but, for whatever reason, I seemed to be getting the shitty end of someone else's stick. I dealt with the sticky matters (did you see what I did there?) and eventually stepped away from the laptop.

The  remainder of Thursday evening was spent doing very little before 30% and I retired to bed at around half past ten ...

...  about an hour in to deep slumber we were disturbed by the telephone. I switched on the light and 30% reached for the phone ...

... "Hello? Yes? Who's that speaking please? Just a moment, I'll get him for you. He is asleep in bed"

It was Christopher Robin who was over in Boston. Apparently the client had discovered an extra 2,000 PCs in Europe and he needed an instant impact analysis of this and how quickly we could revise our pricing. I spent a bleary eyed hour talking them through the ins and outs of this before I was permitted to return to my pit.

I am fairly sure that tomorrow is not now going to be a gentle glide in to the weekend.

Weeds

Today I took the compact camera out with me on my walk...

I haven't done this for a while but I have been promising myself that I would get a  couple of pictures of T&M that show my first attempt at a lamb clip. I also like to illustrate the Journal as it is a way of giving my photos a purpose, so many pictures are given only a fleeting glimpse before being tucked away in a drawer or filed on a computer hard disk.

So today I picked up the compact and off we went. The skies weren't particularly inspiring so I was peering in to the hedgerows rather than taking in the views.

Tyson

Marauder

Field Scabious

Field Scabious

Meadow Brown Butterfly

Thistle Flower

 On the final leg of the Three Miler I walk along the edge of a field that is planted with fodder beans. T&M were darting in and out of the crop chasing real and imaginary creatures. As I tried to locate Tyson amongst the 3' tall bean plants I noticed this ....

Sat on its own in the field was this solitary sunflower. Apparently a weed is a plant that is growing in the wrong place. A rose in a corn field is often given as an example. Here is my contribution.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 9 in an occasional series

This evening I let T&M out at around ten o'clock for a last minute run around the garden / toilet opportunity.

Marauder was somewhat reluctant to come back in but eventually returned after numerous calls. She wandered in to the lounge and plonked herself on the sofa in front of the TV news. After a minute or so I heard chewing and turned to see that she had returned with a mouse carcass hidden in her mouth and was now giving it a thorough mastication....

... she dropped it on command and that was the point that I discovered that it was ripe with maggots.

Little chance of derailment?

Tuesday was another quiet day.

I need to be available in case an urgent response to a particular question is needed but I am becoming more and more puzzled, or possibly less and less concerned, by the discussions that are being held and the issues that are being raised.

We are literally days away from the signing of a major International Contract. Some of the most senior Devils* from Dante's Nine Circles of Hell have ridden in on flaming chariots built from skulls to ensure that this deal gets signed. Taking account of that, do my colleagues really think that the presence or absence of a back to back agreement with a third party vendor or an imprecise definition in a Service Level Objective is going to stop this Juggernaut?

The answer is patently "No". The sales guys are in there doing their stuff and, if they hadn't already, they would be putting their Grand Mothers on eBay to ensure this deal gets closed.

I therefore half listen to the conference calls and deal with my actions, knowing full well that short of finding out that we will be contracted to prepare an army of cloned, killer weasels that will allow our prospective client to take over the world nothing is going to stand in the way of getting this signed.

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* Apparently the Lord Beelzebub himself has become involved to ensure that this "happens"

Not the most significant day of my life

I often write yesterday's Journal entry today ...

... if that makes sense*.

I suppose it is a way of filtering the previous day's events and determining what I consider worthy of jotting down. It is also part of my daily routine; a cup of coffee and a few moments to think about yesterday and whether any of it is worth noting! There are a few days over the past months when I have gone for a Picture Post which suggests that some of my days are somewhat less than exciting.

Monday 11th July was one of those days. On the work front we are waiting for the client to sign up to our contract. If all goes well this will happen in the next week or so. Tigger and I are basically hanging around shuffling papers and generally just being there in case we are needed to answer an urgent question. There are a few tweaks to perform here and there but basically our work is done until the papers get autographed.

I gave Monday some thought and the main thing that seemed to stand out was the following ...

Golfy and I had a discussion which rambled about and then landed on the subject of the Duck Billed Platypus. Apparently they are all called William. I then advised Golfy that they have a poisonous claw and a bifid penis.  He was not impressed with me cluttering his head with further rubbish.

Why is it, that of all the things I did, this is the thing that stuck in my head and why do I know that the Platypus has a poisonous spur and a penis with two heads? I can't remember how old I am some days.

Oh, and we had Haggis for supper.

-------

* I will write Monday's entry on Tuesday and then "back date" it to Monday's date.

Subdued Day

Sunday was an understandably subdued day.

Spud was buried in the garden. Sausages got made, bacon was salted, dogs got walked.

We will miss the big fellow.

From Good to Bad

30% and I had the weekend to ourselves with TP away on his field trip.

We drew up a list of things we wanted to achieve and the day started with a trip to the Supermarket to offload some dry cleaning and on-board some groceries. Pork was on offer so a couple of Loins were bought to be turned in to back bacon and a couple of leg joints were bought for sausage making.

On the return journey we stopped at Redditch Motorcycles  so that I could collect the Honda after it's MOT. Chris had forgotten to change the oil so I had a pleasant half hour mooching around the workshop shooting the breeze while this was done before I could part with cash and ride it home.

Back home we lunched and then T&M were walked before we took another trip out. This time to Stratford for coffee beans and to arrange for new lenses to be fitted in my specs.

The evening saw us have dinner and settle down to watch a film. As the movie was about to reach it's climax we were disturbed by a loud knocking at the door. We opened the door to find one of TP's acquaintances stood there. He told us that a cat had just been run over outside the house.

It was Potato, better known to us as Spud.

Spud. Autumn 2005 - 9th July 2011

Friday Fun

There is not a huge amount to report from Friday.

TP left for school with a weekend bag as he has a 3 day geography field trip down on Portland Bill studying Coastal Processes. Work was steady; not so quiet that I became bored and not so manic that I had to remain at the key board until late in the evening. This was fortuitous as this evening 30's employer holds a "Family Fun Do" a few miles away at the Rugby Club where TP plays.

This is an outdoor event for employees and their families with free food and soft drinks. There are Dodgems and Tea Cup rides and plenty of "inflatable fun" including the opportunity to take part in Zorb Balling or life sized table football.

It was a pleasant evening and we were joined by Jules who came along to catch up with her old work mates. We also bumped in to the Oranges and Lemons tribe which is always a pleasure and Master O&L gave me the perfect excuse for two outings on the Bumper Cars whilst Mr O&L escorted his younger sister. I have to say that it still remains to be established whether it was I or Master O&L that was steering but, based on leg length, I am fairly sure that it was me depressing the power pedal.

Later in the evening I was briefly abandoned but before I get to that I have take a minor diversion ...

... 30% frequently complains that I walk too fast and of late, with her recent foot injury, I have had to temper my pace. When she is firing on all four cylinders I do tend to walk a little faster than her although I have noticed this does depend on whether we are walking around the Three Miler or whether there  is the possibility of a new hand bag to be added to her collection...

... back at the Rugby Club 30% suggested that we walk over and say hello to a frolleague's wife who we hadn't seen for a good couple of years. So we wandered over and I sat down and started to converse. I then turned my head and saw that 30% and Jules had left a trail of flaming footprints as they had scarpered at an incredible speed towards the table football. I then had an interesting twenty minutes talking to a very nice lady who is, shall we say, a  little fragile and basically very different in outlook and approach to life from me.

Let's just say that a session of polite small talk was hard going and I never did establish what it was that necessitated 30%'s high speed exit.

Trying the patience of a Saint

TP                          Dad, what is Hosiery

Bad Man               It’s French for Socks

pause

TP                          No it’s not!

Bad Man               It’s a collective term for footwear like socks, stockings and tights …. and mittens

TP                          Oh, thanks

30%                       You don’t put mittens on your feet

Bad Man               Would you like to retract that comment in light of the current participants in this conversation?

30%                       frustrated silence followed by grudging acknowledgement

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 8 in an occasional series

30% returned home from work and noticed an Avocado missing from the Kitchen work top. She asked me if I knew of it's whereabouts. I denied all knowledge and so began a quick scout around the house to look for the aftermath of a Canine / Avocado encounter...

... none was found and I could see a glimmer of hope in Marauder's eyes but then 30% went out in to the garden and returned with an Avocado stone found at the centre of the lawn.

30%              What’s this?

Bad Man      A Tortoise Egg ?

Marauder      I ent sayin nuffin!

It was interesting to note that Tyson kept very quiet during this Crime Scene investigation.

Phew

The tooth extraction was nowhere near as bad as I expected it to be.

To be honest my new Dentist didn't do herself any favours at all at the first consultation on Monday. I told her that I was an absolute coward so she reassuringly responded with the following forecast ...

... "Oh don't worry Mr Bad Man. Things will be fine. We'll use plenty of anaesthetic you won't feel a thing"

OK, I'm fine at this point. Well, when I say fine I actually mean that I will reluctantly come back and endure the torture. But the blood crazed lunatic then went on with the following ...

... "On teeth like these, where root canal work has been done, the roots can become brittle and fracture during extraction. If that's the case we may need to just cut the gum, drill in to the jaw bone and there may be a stitch or two". Note the key words here CUT, DRILL, JAW BONE, STITCHES. She should have stuck while she was ahead as not one syllable of that utterance encouraged me to return. I have most definitely not been looking forward to this morning's visit.

Fortunately the extraction was straightforward and apart from the ominous cracking noises it went without a hitch. It is at times like this that I wish I didn't have such a vivid imagination. I also wish that I had the personal restraint that would have prevented me peering at the blood and gore covered pre-molar as it lay on the dentist tray.

It was later in the day that I finally released why dentists are so bloody well off. I bet that thieving git goes to bed every night with a sack full of teeth under her pillow. I further wager that the Tooth Fairy has installed a credit card payment handset rather than lugging a huge bag of money to her house every day. 

An insult from the French ...

The French like to call us "Les Ros Bifs" . Apparently this is an insult.

Well, I have given this matter a little thought and have to say that I am actually quite flattered at being associated with this dish. I think the French should have really taken a little more time to think this through. You see, if you are too busy retreating in the face of danger, having affairs, blocking Channel ports or setting fire to imported produce at the side of a Motorway this is what happens, you end up having your sarcasm back fire and that is not a pretty situation.

To attempt to explain myself we need to go back to the beginning of man's history in the post glacial British Isles. If we peer between the branches of the birch and oak forests that have established since the retreat of the ice we see a magnificent  beast browsing on the herbs and shoots that cover the wood land floor. It is an Aurochs; the ancestor of all modern domestic cattle. This beast stood 2 metres at the shoulder and weighed in excess of a tonne. Comparisons with modern cattle show it to be much heavier in build and with a larger brain...

... and remember, it had two very sharp points at the front end. We are all aware of the reputation that a modern bull has for short temper. Imagine what one of these beasts was like *.

So there we have it; an ancient British Man stood at the edge of a Forest Glade. He picks up his flint tipped spear, wipes a bead of sweat from his brow and takes aim at this large, dangerous animal. With this first kill the British Nation will become forever associated with cutting a chunk off the hind quarters of this beast and  roasting it.

Well Mr Frenchie, as I have just established, first you have to kill the damned thing because they don't tend to shed rump or topside in the same way that apples and nuts fall from trees.

Now lets, tie a few logs together with vines and take a hazardous Journey across the Channel (La Manche) to see what our French Neighbours are up to...

... The sun is shining as we walk through the woods and we come at last to a marshy area, buzzing with insects and high with reeds and rushes. It is hot and humid and there we see the archaic French Man crouched at the edge of a pool. His furs are soaked and covered with a foul smelling mud. His hair is plastered against his forehead. He is bravely hunting the prey for which his future nation will forever be associated ...

... Yes, while your savage Englishman was taking on a huge and fearsome beast with basically a sharp stick, his contemporaries across the Channel were bravely risking life and limb hunting frogs and snails in the French marshes and ponds.

I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions ......

* In the future there may not be a need to imagine. Although the last of these fine creatures was killed in the early 1600s their DNA lives on in modern cattle and there are plans, through selective breeding of archaic stock, to produce something very akin to the Aurochs.