If this is what you mean by work …

… then I have to say I don’t really like it

Monday started way too early and by twenty to seven I was climbing in to 30%’s car for a drive down the M40 towards Heathrow. Unfortunately there was no flight at the end of this trip. It just happens that the rehearsal room for the latest production just happens to be close to London’s main airport.

I arrived shortly after nine o’clock and soon found my colleague. The rest of the day was spent in a meeting room half listening to debate and conversation whilst trying to concentrate on merging two spreadsheets detailing Suppliers and Software products. After eight solid hours I had produced a beast of a spreadsheet that extended to over 2,500 lines …

… I pity the poor sods that need to review and update it.

The original plan was for me to stay overnight at Heathrow for a further day of fun tomorrow when I was to observe rehearsals for a presentation to the prospective client. However the client rescheduled the presentation session to the following week and as a result my travel and hotel plans needed a complete overhaul …

… The “plus” is that I was able to travel home this evening, the “minus” is that I will be staying in some crummy Holiday Inn in darkest East London on Wednesday and Thursday nights.

By six o’clock I had emailed the spreadsheet to a selected list of victims so I packed up my kit and headed back to the car. I wasn’t looking forward to the drive home after this morning’s two and a half hour slog along a congested M40. It was peak rush hour and I was expecting the worst. How wrong was I? After a busy few miles on the M4 and M25 I joined the M40 and it was virtually empty. Within ninety minutes I had driven one hundred miles and was walking in through the door at The Pile where I was greeted with a G&T and a list of messages …

… now which did I attend to first?

Fixing Stuff …

… or not, as the case may be.

This morning was warm and sunny and, I thought, a perfect opportunity to haul the sideboard from the garage and get it rubbed down. It was a fairly straightforward job and the timber was soon becoming silky, smooth to the touch. However the problem with sanding is that the object is scrutinised in detail and I was soon noticing further problems or areas that would become problems in the future. Basically the sideboard dates from the 1830s and is of a fairly crude construction. After nearly 200 years of use it is showing its age and it the point where it needs serious restoration* is not far off.

I probably have the skills required for the restoration but the issue is the time needed to perform the work. We also regarded this piece as a stopgap as we would both prefer an oak or mahogany sideboard that featured fewer drawers and more cupboard space. After a discussion with 30% it was agreed that we would abandon the restoration as the sideboard was now at a saleable stage. We will get it advertised over the next few weeks and continue searching for something more in keeping with the room and table.

With that project abandoned I must admit that I spent the remainder of the morning kicking my heels. After lunch 30% and I headed in to town to pick up a few necessities including food, diesel, a toilet flush handle, a replacement double socket power outlet, two bicycle tyres and a pair of replacement pedals …

… the more peculiar elements in that list defined much of the remainder of my day.

TP’s new job at the Handcart & Fortified Structure requires that he have a reliable form of transport and at present he most definitely does not. Having knackered the derailleur on his bike he has now moved on to using 30%’s Mountain Bike. This has seen little use in all of the years we have been together and was in need of a few replacement parts to assuage the effects of twenty years of neglect. I therefore spent an hour or so fitting new tyres and replacing the pedals as corrosion meant that they no longer spun freely.

I am hoping that this will mean that he will now return from work without accompanying tales of woe involving failed cycle components or loss of air from Mr Dunlop’s revolutionary pneumatic tyres. **

Having sorted out TP’s transport problems I headed back inside and hit the sofa for a snooze before performing a couple more repair jobs. I’ve already described our peculiar shopping list so you can probably work out what I was up to.

Dinner followed and then I checked the results of my eBay auctions. I am pleased to say that both items sold and  £150 will soon be nestling in my Paypal account. More importantly, the sale of the old pine dining table was key to the next stage of the house refurbishment. Once it has been collected the Hall will be furniture free. This means that I can relocate the Office in to the Hall leaving the Study ready to be gutted and re-modelled … before pictures coming soon.

The rest of the evening was spent watching television and packing in preparation for the first of next week’s two business trips.

---

* or re-purposing

** because it always falls to me to perform repairs. TP’s approach is to abandon each bike once it reaches the point of terminal failure and then move on to the next one!

Guests for Lunch

Today we had planned to have our first dinner party in the now almost complete dining room. Originally this should have taken place over the May Bank holiday weekend but busy schedules and TP's new job have resulted in dinner becoming lunch and today was finally agreed upon as the date for the get-together.

A consequence of this was that there has been much house tidying in progress over the past few days and this morning my first job was to prepare a marinade for some salmon steaks. It was a few minutes work to get half a farmed fish coated in a mixture of olive oil, garlic, rosemary, crushed chillies, sun-dried tomatoes, Worcester sauce and seasoning and it was then popped in the fridge in an attempt to give the bland, pink fish some flavour.

With my culinary contribution completed I breakfasted and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M in an attempt to wear them out before our guests arrived. By the time I got back 30% and TP had just about completed the domestic preparations and I had little to do apart from inserting a leaf in to the table in advance of luncheon.

At a little after twelve we were joined Bond, Moneypenny, Rosie and Jim and their sons. My God, Did they bring some beer with them! In a very short space of time nibbles were being nibbled and Pimms and Leffe were being quaffed. In short, after throwing pizza at the kids, we spent much of the afternoon and early evening drinking and eating our way through three courses and a cheese board.

I will confess that I needed to have a small sleep after they had gone.

Cooee, Mr Shifter *

First task of the day was to mail a copy of my CV over to 30%. Recent discussions with colleagues have highlighted a vacancy at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers which appears to be a very close match to my skills. 30% has therefore put my CV forward via the Neat & Tidy Employee referral programme to take on the role as Shifter Junior...

... If TP ever reads this in the future, I wonder if any of these cryptic, cultural references will stand the test of time or just seem peculiar. Let us hope that You Tube and Wikipedia still exist in the years ahead.

Having done that I settled down to half listen** to the Review call that would determine whether the latest solution could be priced and presented to the client. It went as well as expected and the Lead PM just needs to close out a couple of actions before he can pause, take a deep breath and gallop headlong in to the next phase of the Engagement.

The rest of the day was fairly relaxed up until the point where I had a call with another very experienced Solutioner about my role in the Musical about the Department Store. I thought I was auditioning for the role of understudy to Mrs Slocombe's Pussy but it appears that, for one week only, I will be in the spotlight performing as the Mr Grace.*** We chatted about the ins and outs of the production and it became apparent that I was required to spend much of next week in and around The Capital ...

... That is the last thing one wants to hear at half past three on a Friday afternoon as Dante's expense approval system is a disorganised fuck up that involved e-mails, pdf files and databases and once that obstacle course is completed there is the joy that is their Hotel and Travel booking system. If one then adds in the fact that there are budgetary constraints it will come as no surprise that it took several e-mails, phone calls, estimate revisions and a brief liaison with a Senior Sales Director before I could get confirmation that I was actually allowed to travel.

Is it any wonder that I am looking for alternative employment?

This evening 30% and I travelled over to Warwick to see Julian Clary in his Position Vacant, Apply Within tour. Hmmm! What can I say? Clary is a master of camp comedy and biting comments and there were brief moments of his genius but overall the show was piss-poor. The first half was short at under forty minutes in length, if the two songs were excluded, and the material was a little thin. The second half involved Clary selecting seven male members**** from the audience and performing a selection process with the aim of finding him a new husband. The show culminated with a wedding ceremony and diverse alarums. It wasn't very good. Clary was reliant on willing members of the audience to get laughs and the sequence of seven interviews and practical tests soon became repetitive. It was lazy comedy, reliant on the audience laughing at paying punters rather than Clary's talent with acerbic put down and narrative. I'm being generous with a 3 / 10.

Sorry Julian, but no warm hand on your exit this evening.

---

* I have to admit that I am probably not doing very well if I need a footnote for the title. Apologies to anyone who is a) under the age of 40 and b) doesn't hail from the British Isles as the relevance of this title will be totally lost on you. I suppose I had better attempt to explain, "Cooee, Mr Shifter" is a line from one of the most famous PG Tips Chimps series of commercials. The line is actually performed by the delightful Irene Handl and was dubbed over cleverly edited advert which showed two chimps attempting to move a piano down a flight of stairs. The punchline was, of course ...

Shifter Junior:      Dad, Do you know the piano is on my foot?

Mr Shifter:            You hum it Son, and Ill play it

** Why would I pay full attention? I disengage from the deal today and move on to yet another interim assignment.
*** I'm not even going to attempt to explain Are You Being Served? to the Junior and International readership ... sorry, look it up.
**** Was that a euphemism ?

It is nearly the weekend

There is little to report for today. Marauder is deserving of a brief entry in the Bumper Book of Crimes when I let her out in to the garden and she caught sight of a Leghorn that had absconded from the run. Energetic leaps and bounds were accompanied by air-borne feathers and startled cackling as the hen got pinned to the ground and plucking commenced ...

... Fortunately Marauder is smart enough to know that the chickens are off limits and withdrew when she heard me yell. I then had to grab her and Tyson by the collar and lead them back in to the house. Did I mention that I was hosting a Team Call at the time? ... oops!

Late in the afternoon I gave up, as my rapidly approaching disengagement has induced almost complete disinterest in this deal and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. Upon my return I dragged the Porn Mower from the garage and gave the lawn its second cut of the year. We have friends over for lunch on Saturday and it was my token attempt at making the garden look presentable.

Just don't look too closely.

Walking off the stage

The Review that was supposed to take place this morning got cancelled. It appears that, for some strange reason, the Sales Team have been understating the potential receipts from this show by 50% or more. Now the costs have been disclosed it is apparent that this is a much bigger production. Clip levels have been breached and mandated additional reviews must take place. This is a boon to the Lead Project Manager, as he was nowhere near ready for the review, and now has a couple more days to rehearse and prepare. The good thing about this is that the delay is not of his making and consequently he will not have Sales beating him up.

I spent most of today chasing for approvals and coaching the Lead PM for the next stage of this project. It is a great deal with a reasonable value and I must admit I would love to be running it. It is straightforward and relatively politics free. However I must leave at the end of the week and join another cast in another show.*

Ah well, at present my role seems to be to float from one deal to another, taking on ill-defined roles while I wait for a decent script to arrive in my in-box.

---

I apologise for the mixed metaphors

* I think it is a Musical about a Department Store. I am hoping to take the role of Mrs Slocombe's Pussy

eBay Idiots

I rarely text. It is a form of communication that has little relevance to me. I'll use it if I have to but gossip in 140 character chunks really doesn't appeal.*  Its use has to suit my purposes. There have been occasions where an SMI has been "off net" and has not responded to e-mails or phone messages. In such as situation a carefully worded text tends to grab their attention. I also use text to communicate with Tim at Moto-vation. He rarely responds to 'phone calls or answers voice mails but a text seems to get his attention.**

When I am forced to text I have to admit that I am very "old school". I use full sentences, correct grammar and punctuation. I avoid txt spk like the plague. I loathe text speak. It is a virtual manifestation of teenage grunting and the last thing I want to be exposed to or, for that matter, be expected to respond to. If TP grunts at me I ask for elaboration and reply in my usual conversational manner ... I do not lower my communicational abilities to his level and grunt in response.

At the moment I have a couple of items being auctioned on eBay so was delighted and enthralled to receive this enquiry in respect of my auction for a pine table and four chairs ...

hi hv u gt a bye it nw thanks

This grunting idiot had managed to piss me off with the use of nine words. Now I am using words in its broadest definition as, personally, I would only recognise hi, bye, it and thanks as actual words. I also need to state now that "bye" has no bloody place in that sentence. I also need to point out that I am using sentence in the broadest sense of the word, as the string of characters lacks the capital letters, punctuation and a number of key vowels and consonants that would ordinarily be needed.

I decided that the best response to this prospective bidder was to give a reply that was far closer to a pass mark in an English Language examination. I went with this ...

Good Evening [name removed to protect the fuck wit], Thank you for you inquiry but I have to reply in the negative as my preference is to let the auction run its full course.  
I wish you the best of luck if you do decide to place a bid or two.  
Kindest Regards
bad man

I was hoping that this would encourage, nay challenge, the illiterate to put a little more effort in to their scrawlings. I was sorely mistaken as, shortly afterwards I was sent the following ...

aw so enit u gt a price in mind

I took a few moments to control my ire and decided that I would be wasting my time by setting an example and moving on to direct insults*** would only result in my eBay account being blocked. There was only one thing I could do ... resort to sarcasm ...

Hello again [name removed to protect the fuck wit],  
I have to be honest and say that I would like to get enough from this auction to retire to the South of France. I estimate that £12 million should be adequate to fund that fantasy. 
However reality intrudes and I have to acknowledge that you, or anyone for that matter, is not going to bid that much for my table so, as I said in my previous message, I'll let the auction run its course and see what I get. 
 Good Luck if you decide to bid. 
Regards 
bad man

Funnily enough he has not come back to me and there are still no bids.

---

* if you are going to gossip, grab a coffee, get face to face and have a proper character assassination session. A bitchy text is half arsed at best.
** ... eventually
*** I demonstrated extreme self restraint when I didn't respond with u r a cnt

Monday Stuff

First things first, this one got accidentally left on the press overnight ...

... after several weeks of web searches and consultation of calendars and exam timetables 30% has finally decided where we are going on holiday, when we are going on holiday and flight bookings have been made. A number of destinations were considered during her research and here is a summary of what was considered and the reasons for rejection:-

• Luxor, Egypt - great destination but too hot in late June
• India - fantastic but pricey in view of plan to celebrate our 50th birthdays with a special holiday*
• Western States, USA (fly drive) - very expensive flights
• A tour of Slovakia and Austria - this sounded shite to me after the preceding options**

So after much Googling I can now advise that we will be spending ten days exploring New York and its environs later on in the Summer. All I need to do now is cancel the holiday I had booked when I thought we were going away in June.

Having rectified that omission let's move on to today. Work was the usual periods of boredom interrupted by tasks that a) didn't really interest me and b) should have been done weeks ago. I progressed them with as little effort as I thought I could get away with. I really am quite disinterested in this deal and the main reason for this is that I am not being stretched at all and do not have a proper role. I do what I can to keep things heading in the right direction but don't really have a defined role or responsibilities.

This morning both 30% and I were working at home and we were joined by Steve, an old friend, who was here to fix the massive scrape I managed to add to the bumper of 30%'s car a few weeks ago. He spent most of the morning with us restoring the scarred bumper to as new condition and then refused to take any payment for it. 30% forced eggs upon him and it was agreed that a dinner invitation would be arranged to repay him for such a great job. He also took away a scratched panel from the Honda and promised to sort that out over the next couple of weeks.***

The replacement handles for the sideboard arrived today. These were judged acceptable and were affixed during my lunch break. All we need now is some decent weather so I can drag it out of the garage and get it sanded.

As the afternoon progressed I was "pinged" by IM it looks like I am to be re-assigned to a new project for a couple of weeks. The peculiar thing about this new assignment is that I will be carrying out a different role in each of the two weeks. This will be interesting as, whilst that might work in a production line environment, I am absolutely certain that it does not translate to the development of outsourcing infrastructure solutions.

I eventually managed to escape from the desk shortly after four o'clock and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. The weather is unseasonably cold and we got caught in a shower. As a result we returned home soggy and a fire got lit to add some cheer to a chilly evening.

Normally my recount today's activities would dwindle at this point but I am responsible for the care of VI's livestock so headed off down the village to shut up coops and collect eggs.

I'll cover my experiences with eBay idiots tomorrow.

---

* and the funding of TP's Exchange Trip to Zambia
** I have subsequently been advised that it is very nice out there but I am yet to be convinced
*** The back story to this dates back nine years to when 30% and I were in the process of moving in to The Pile. I was about to ride the Honda from 30%'s house to our new home and she got dropped at a standstill on a gravel drive.**** I managed to find a brand new replacement fairing half on eBay but never managed to find the removable inspection panel. Hence this one panel has always carried these scars.
**** note to self: NEVER move a bike when I am hypoglycemic

Come and fetch me

Sunday dawned cool but dry and I started my day with my usual routine. Chickens were fed and let out then coffee was made and drank whilst I sat and wrote yesterday's Journal entry. I then wandered out to the garage to reaffix the sideboard door after yesterday morning's repair session.

I hadn't been out there long before a pyjama'd 30% appeared in the doorway, wondering what I was up to ...

... This morning's primary activity was to nip over to Cheltenham to collect the Ducati and by ten o'clock I clambered in to 30%'s car with helmet, gloves, jacket and chequebook.* After a quick whizz down the M5 and a race up Birdlip Hill we dropped down in to the outskirts of Cheltenham and pulled in to the small and slightly scruffy, industrial units that are home to Moto-vation. My bike was sat ready to be collected. Her paintwork was gleaming and she chirruped** every few minutes as if to say come on, lets go. I passed the time with Tim, paid a very acceptable invoice and then fired her up and threw my leg over her.

After a quick blast up through Leckhampton and down the other side of the hill I spent the next fifteen minutes carving through traffic on the motorway, before taking the Worcester exit and enjoying a few miles of curving A roads back to The Pile. I have made an informal resolution to use my bikes as much as possible this Summer and I really hope that the weather allows me and the Ducati to get better acquainted.

I arrived back home in time for lunch and headed out shortly afterwards for a walk with T&M. As forecast, rain started about twenty minutes in to my walk and towels were needed to dry off the dogs when we returned home after an hour in the nearby lanes.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pottering and significant activities included clipping T&Ms' faces and advertising the old dining table on eBay. In the early evening another fire got lit just in time for TP's return from his first day of work at the pub. He was knackered after five hours of washing up but seemed to enjoy it and will be back there next Saturday for his next shift. I did need to point out that he is not yet management and, as a result, he does not get a valet parking service ...

... in other words; he still has to put his bike away when he gets home!

---

* He doesn't take cards as I found out last year when I attempted to pay for the engine re-paint. Fortunately he is a trusting chap and I was able to whisk her away and drop a cheque in the post the next day.
** the alarm was in workshop mode.

Sideboard repairs

It wasn't exactly a Spring Day today. There was a cold wind and a grey sky with very few breaks in the clouds, add in showers of rain and there was little to encourage me to spend much time outside. It came as a relief to find that the Ducati would not be ready for collection until tomorrow morning when, hopefully the weather will have improved somewhat.

It was one of those rare days when I didn't have anything particularly significant planned, especially now that collection of my bike was off the list, so I wandered out to the garage in search of something to occupy me. I have to admit that, having spent a fair amount of effort clearing the garage over the past few weeks, it is now a guilty pleasure to spend time in there. I have a huge amount of bench and floor space and my tools can now be reached without having to squeeze past or clamber over the clutter that had accumulated. As a result, even though it was quite chilly in there this morning, it is now enjoyable to work in there.

There are still a couple of areas in the garage that require attention. One of these is occupied by TP's bike. The derailleur needs replacing and he has abandoned it, using 30%'s Mountain Bike instead. He has been warned that it needs to be repaired or it will be scrapped. The other area of garage that needs to be cleared is currently home to an eighteenth century,  pine sideboard. This is destined to live in the dining room* but it needs some mild restoration beforehand.

Over the past week I have replaced a worn out rear leg and this morning I made a start on the drawers. These are in great condition apart from the handles. The sideboard originally had turned wooden handles that have long since been lost leaving a 5/8" diameter hole in the front of each drawer. These holes were partially obscured by some replacement brass handles but these too, are at the end of their working life and only two of five remain functional. I have ordered a set of antiqued brass replacements and, while I wait for them to arrive, I made a start on filling the holes in the drawer fronts left when the original handles fell apart. This involved cutting 5/8" diameter cylinders of pine and these were glued in to the holes. After sanding and waxing they will be barely noticeable once the new handles are in place.

That activity filled my morning and in the afternoon I headed out for a walk with T&M. I only encountered one shower and we arrived home damp rather than soaked. The rest of the afternoon was very lazy and the only activity anywhere near worthy of mention was that I advertised TP's motorcycle leathers on eBay. He has sadly outgrown then as they were, by his own admission, cool.

As the evening drew in a fire was lit to insert a little comfort and cheer in to what had been quite a stern, grey day.

---

* until 30% finds a mahogany one she we likes

A day in the home office

One good thing about working in the Nearest Circle of Hell is that periods of boredom can be filled by wandering off for a chat. I did not have that ability today and was chained to the laptop with little to do. My sentence lasted until four o'clock when I hosted a preliminary review call for the latest deal ...

... Hmmm! I think it fair to say that the Lead Project Manager needs to polish his Delivery Style very quickly if he wants to have a successful call next Wednesday. I remember my first one and it was neither fun nor an award winning performance but I got through it and am trying to give my colleague a few hints and tips. The problem is that he loves the technical side of the work and the delivery of a beautifully assembled cost model but he needs to develop his management skill set in order that he can deliver a concise and authoritative presentation that reassures the reviewers that he is in charge, knows what he is doing and is believable.  At the moment he is a ditherer who takes the discussion down metaphorical rabbit holes at every opportunity.

After thirty minutes the call ended and my weekend officially started.

Tough Love

For most of this week I have been working alongside Judge Dread* in an attempt to get this wobbly wagon running smoothly. There is nothing particularly scary about the solution but the team structure and management is all a bit flaky and, as a result, there are some considerable challenges to overcome if they are to be ready for their major review next Wednesday.

After several days of subtle suggestion and delivery of informal coaching we have run out of time and patience. As a result the theme for today was delivery of blunt consequential messages along the lines of stop doing "x" and start doing "y" or you will fail. The Lead Solutioner is a nice guy who wants to get everything just so but, and Judge Dread puts it quite succinctly, he needs to find his inner bastard and start telling people what he fucking wants and when he fucking wants it!

His main problems are inexperience and a poorly selected team where the main SMI is wholly inappropriately skilled. As a result he has been concentrating on technical and ignoring the management parts of his job title. Today we have attempted to pull him up from the technical depths and get him to concentrate on the route through to a successful review rather than development of a polished cost model.

After a day of coaching that was definitely used some of the skills I have picked up as the father of a sixteen year old boy I headed home and took T&M out for a walk. I could not believe how cold and windy it was after the glorious sunshine of Tuesday evening.

I was half tempted to light a fire when I got home.

---

* JD is an ex-solutioner who now assesses the "Deliverability" of our solutions. He isn't too bad provided one is aware of the following; firstly, he wasn't that great as a solutioner and never worked on anything particularly huge and secondly don't trust him, especially when you can't see him ... he likes to have little conversations behind closed doors

Sometimes you need to take charge

Rain stopped play today and, due to parking arrangements, I was encouraged to use 30%'s car to travel in to work this morning.

There is not a lot to report on the working day. I had a call about the status of the deal that occupied much of my time from October through until early April this year. Reading between the lines I think that one is dead in the water and will not require any attention for twelve months or more. Back to the current engagement, today's problem to overcome was that the Sales team had made a few promises about scope that had only come to light in the past twenty four hours ...

... the problem is that the Lead Project Manager needs to finalise every thing by Friday afternoon in preparation for a major review next Wednesday. I wandered in to a meeting covering this additional scope and listened to the Sales Exec talk about Revenue Streams and the Lead PM plead for information that he would never get. After five minutes I thought I understood the problem so left the meeting room in search of a whiteboard marker ...

... upon my return I put on a mildly bossy persona and threw up a quick diagram / graph on the board. The audience gave a series of nods so I summarised by telling them to sod off and model a simple bubble of costs with sufficient stated assumptions to cover their collective arses. "but, but, but ... ?" came the response from the PM so I pointed out that with two days to go he had no option but to follow this very simple approach. He is a good PM but is focussing on detail and having everything just right rather than being endpoint orientated and knowing that some times being in the queue outside the ball park is close enough.

The bulk of the day was spent in in a solution review which allowed me to get thoroughly acquainted with current affairs via the BBC News website.

I eventually arrived home at around six o'clock having already decided that there would be no evening walk due to a threatening sky and drizzle. Instead I wandered out to the garage and fixed the replacement leg to the sideboard before returning to the house for dinner.

As we settled down for the evening VI appeared on the doorstep and joined us for an hour or so. The main reason for his visit was to ask me to look after his chickens and pigeons when he is on holiday next week. I agreed to pop down on Friday evening to be given an overview of Poultry Husbandry Village Idiot style.

Step forward, stand down

Today started well. Using twisted employee logic; the working week starts today but by tomorrow we will be half way through the week and on the downward slide towards Friday. Fan-bloody-tastic! On this basis it is almost the weekend already and I have very little in my in-box to trouble me.

The weather forecast was for a dry, sunny day so I pulled a shiny Honda from the garage and headed in to the Nearest Circle of Hell. The traffic Gods looked down and bestowed upon me a traffic free, one and a half miles of "S" Bends. These were taken at a sensible sixty five miles per hour* and I must admit I was very tempted to stop, turn around and try them from the other direction.

A sense of duty** prevailed and I headed in to work and settled in to a very empty office. Fortunately Grandad Jack turned up shortly afterwards and we met up in the canteen for tea. The working day went well and I was hailed as a hero for not arranging a review session ... basically no-one wanted to attend the review but when a Director suggests that it might be a good idea to have one there are very few people brave enough to contradict that view. I was asked to set up the session as I had worked with this Director before so I pinged her and used a few magic words carefully selected to fertilise her disinterest. As soon as she was aware that this iteration of the engagement was not providing a firm price and that it was a contract renegotiation she agreed that we could forego the review.

The rest of the day was spent extracting estimates from a delivery model and tidying them up before presenting them to Approvers for their metaphorical thumbs up. By four o'clock I was scratching around for anything to do and decided to head home. As I returned to my laptop I noticed an instant message from IM. He wanted to know if I could be in London tomorrow to attend a meeting with a client. I pointed out that I had prearranged activities for Wednesday but that they could be cancelled if needed. He thanked me and then said he would get back to me if he needed me to travel. I was therefore forced to loiter in front of my laptop until five o'clock to see if I was needed. Five o'clock came with no further contact from IM so I chased for an update. He had no further news so I advised that I was leaving work and would check with him again when I got home.

After a traffic dodging, twenty mile run I arrived home, put the Honda away and booted up the laptop. IM still had no news and asked if I would take a call later on if I was needed up the smoke. I advised that this was fine and then headed out for a walk with T&M in the glorious evening sunshine. When I wandered back in to the house an hour later I checked my laptop and IM had finally advised that my presence was not required in the Capital. It is fair to say that I was relieved by this decision. I was quite happy to traipse down to London and blag my way through a meeting with a client, about whom I know nothing, but I would rather not if it could be avoided. *** What I wasn't looking forward to was the screwing up of my evening having briefing calls and obtaining necessary permits to travel ... Phew, narrow escape!

Today's big news is that TP has been called by the Handcart and Fortified Structure and his first shift of washing up will be next Sunday ...

... welcome to the world of work.

---

* the speed limit is 50 mph you tit!
** stop sniggering
*** it also means that I avoid the pain of having to get travel and budgetary approvals via Dante's tortuous processes

Three great things about Bank Holidays

1) The weekend is 3 days in duration
2) The following working week is one day shorter
3) They seem to annoy Americans

This is all goodness.

Woodwork, walking & waxing

Yesterday evening I made a start on the repairs to the old pine sideboard. I had removed the damaged back leg, cleaned up the underside and glued in an oak pad to receive the new leg. This morning I got busy in the garage and made up the new leg from some scraps of 22 mm oak boards. It is a fairly simple affair of two pieces of board that are mitred to form an "L" shaped leg and I have strengthened this structure with another piece of oak to hold it all square.

Sketch of dresser leg

The leg is drawn upside down to give a better view of its components and assembly. The only components that can't be seen are the biscuit joints and liberal quantities of glue holding it all together. I then left the leg drying on the workbench and headed back in to the house.

There was a rumour of some part-time work at local Pub and TP needed to provide them with a copy of his CV. 30% decided that we could walk over there with T&M and have lunch as it was a beautiful day so, shortly before twelve o'clock, we headed across the village and out towards, for want of a better alias, The Hand Cart & Fortified Structure. The route was one we had never wandered before and it took us across arable fields and past an ancient hay meadow that belongs to Worcestershire Wildlife Trust. After the best part of an hour we found ourselves sat in the Pub garden perusing a menu...

... the CV was deposited, lunch was eaten and, rested and sated, we headed back towards The Pile. We actually managed to follow the true route of the footpath on our return journey rather than the approximation  of our outward walk.

The rest of the afternoon was taken up by giving the Honda a wash. The great thing about washing the bike was the enforced break I had to take while it dried off in the sun. After an hour with my feet up I pushed her back in to the garage and started to give her a coat of polish.

I had forgotten how long it takes to give a bike a proper clean!

First cut of the season

The first part of Sunday was consumed, yet again, by Rugby. After last week's final match of the Season, today was presentation day, so I headed out around the Three Miler early in the morning to allow T&M to stretch their legs. 30% dropped TP at the club and we headed over there later on to watch the speeches, hand shaking and post-presentation celebrations.* I also consumed a £1 beef burger that was significantly better than the one I paid £9 for on Friday.

We arrived back home for a late lunch and then I headed back out to the garage to continue the reorganisation. The final pallet was removed and rapidly converted to firewood with the assistance of the chainsaw. I then gave the Porn Mower her first outing of the season ... I primed the carburettor and pulled the starter cord and she fired up at the first attempt. Twenty minutes later I was tucking her back in to the garage. I would like to say that the lawn looks fantastic but I can only manage better and I need to be careful as that is stretching the truth. I really need to spend a good afternoon out there with soil, grass seed and a couple of rolls of turf followed by a month of watering to get the lawn in to a reasonable condition.

Next on the list was to clean and lubricate the chain on the Honda which involved an our hour spent with a paintbrush and paraffin removing grease from the chain before giving it a fresh spray of lube. I am hoping I can find time tomorrow to give her a bloody good clean as she is filthy.

Final activity of the day was to make a start on the early nineteenth century pine sideboard that was stripped last year and has cluttered up the garage since then. One of it's back legs was damaged when it was returned from the stripper and today I made a start on its repair. The legs are basic affairs made from pine board and nailed to the sideboard base.  This is most definitely not a high end piece of furniture but it will be fine until we can find something we like better and I plan to make the replacement leg from oak which should be somewhat more resilient.

It looks like today's activities may have set the agenda for tomorrow.

---

* This seems to involve a race where the participants have to stand on a chair and consume a pint of lager also containing a mars bar and pickled egg. First man to empty the glass wins. Fingers can't be used to grasp either the chocolate or the egg.

Meat Fest

If my week was "slow" today was most definitely a change of pace.

After breakfasting, first job of the day was to take the Ducati in to Moto-Vation in Cheltenham for a service and MOT. 30% kindly offered to follow and give me a lift back.* I had pre-arranged the delivery of my bike using the medium of SMS** so was somewhat perplexed to find the workshop closed and the usual array of Italian exotica nowhere to be seen. The chap from the Scooter workshop next door popped his head round the corner and advised that TH was off at a social event and would not be back in until next Tuesday. I cursed a little and explained my predicament ... "No worries" responded Scooter Man, " I do all TH's MOTs any way, leave it with me and I'll pass it across to him next week".  So I did what any sane person would do and handed the keys and alarm fob of an appreciating, modern, Italian classic to a man I had never met before and wandered off to see if 30% had arrived.

Farly promptly after I got home I sent TH a text to advise of my possibly over trusting gullible actions. He replied reasonably soon afterwards to advise that it was he that had cocked up the dates and that leaving it with Mr Scooter was perfectly fine. Al being well I should be able to pick her up in a week or so.

On the way home from Cheltenham 30% and I popped in to Worcester to pick up the holiday films that had finally been developed and printed. On the plus side I can advise that the Rolliecord and the Weston Light Meter definitely work as all of the shots came out but there are a few peculiar patches on some of the prints and negatives which are indicative of light leaks. These patches are irregular which suggests to me that light hit parts of the film during loading or developing so I will persevere with another couple of rolls before deciding whether to continue with the Rollie or sell her on and look for a Bronica.

We arrive home just before midday and I took down the two pieces of guanciale that had been hanging in the kitchen. After hanging for a week they were ready to be cubed and frozen. Twenty minutes of knife wielding later I had over two pounds of pancetta bagged and ready for the freezer ... although a few pieces did find their way in to a pan on the hob.

Guanciale (dry cured pigs cheek)

A cured meat theme permeated the rest of the day as, after lunch and a walk with T&M, I finally took down the ham that had been air drying in the garage for the past six months.

Don't go "urghh!" What do you think is on the outside of a Brie

Penicillium spp

It had acquired a coating of white and green mould during its sojourn in the rafters and this was removed by giving it a brisk scrub with white wine vinegar.  I then lugged out the bacon slicer and set to for a mammoth slicing session. After more than an hour we ended up with over a kilo of thinly sliced ham and there is a huge piece lurking at the back of the fridge waiting for a follow up session.

If am honest a significant quantity of ham was tested during the afternoon and a cold Leffe was then needed to cleanse the palate. This had soporific effects and I snoozed on the sofa until dinner.

I need to get back to work for a rest.

---

* She also still thinks that each time she sees me get on my bike will be the last. This is ironic as the closest I have come to death was in our bed.
** as this seems to be the only reliable way of liaising with this quite splendid independent Ducati specialist.

I did slow down today

As has been the case for most of this week, today hardly left me breathless; A few e-mails were read, a few calls were attended and the working day can be summarised as long spells of boredom interrupted by occasional activity. I can think of only two occasions where I came anywhere near justifying my existence today.

The first of these relates to a Division of Dante's that provide us with certain Security Services. I had asked them for an updated quote and, for some strange reason, they treat this activity like a completely new business opportunity and set up opportunity records and take it through selection processes to decide whether they actually want to do it or not. I attended their Selection Call and persuaded them that it was a good idea to move forward ... That was today's fifteen minutes of fame.

The second occasion was late in the day where I arranged a review call to examine my statement on tooling on this current deal. What? I hear you ask. Yes, I know, it is sad and hardly relevant but this is a hoop that each and every deal has to jump though before a price can be put on the client's table. There is more too ... I have to ask a a panel to authorise the use of tools other than Dante's standards before we can offer a price, even though we have been using those same tools for the past four years with this client.

So for much of today I did very little and the work I did was overcoming Dante's imposed obstacles to winning business.

By four o'clock I had lost the will to live and headed out with the dogs for a walk. On our return I tidied myself up and 30% and I headed out to Littleton Auctions to to view the lots in advance of tomorrow's sale. There were a few bits and pieces that grabbed our attention but nothing that we will actually bother to bid on.

At the end of viewing we headed back home and stopped at The Fish at Wixford, where we met up with 30%'s brother and the Elf, for supper. It was nice to catch up on their news* but I wasn't overly impressed with the establishment. The burger they served was grey, hard and dry and the service started well but fell apart from the point when we were asked if we wanted to see the Dessert Menu ...

... we waited and we waited and we waited some more but nothing arrived. We continued chatting and eventually decided to give pudding a miss so I eventually caught the eye of a member of staff and requested the bill. It arrived quite promptly so I dropped a credit card on top of it and waited for it to be collected ... .. we waited and we waited and we waited some more but no-one arrived. In the end I picked up the saucer containing bill and card and headed up to the bar where I plonked it in front of the member of staff that had delivered it in the first place. I got an apology and and quite prompt service but I don't think I'll be eating there again. It just wasn't very good.

---

* The Headline item was that a new home is needed for their Camper Van after a formal removal notice has been placed on it by the land owner

I really ought to slow down

For the past three days I have been using my bike to get to work and it is great. The weather is warm, the roads are dry and, with some careful filtering, there are absolutely no queues or hold ups, despite travelling during peak periods. The problem is that it has been such a long time since I rode my bike that I am enjoying the novelty probably a little too much ...

... it is not that my style of riding is dangerous but it is fair to say that I am exceeding the speed limits far too often and really need to slow down before Plod catches sight of me. The problem is that a new set of tyres and an incredibly willing motor make it very difficult to ease off the throttle.

On my journey in to work there are a couple of miles of country lanes with low hedges, open vistas and a flowing set of bends. They don't look particularity special when viewed on a map but the reality is fantastic. I am not alone in knowing this and bikers are regularly seen riding this stretch purely for the pleasure of it. The problem is that, despite appearing to be a wide lane, the road is actually classified as an "A Road" and traffic regularly puts pay to any fun and games on this short stretch of road...

The Cartographers got this so wrong

 ... Every day this week I have found myself sat behind some other vehicle whose presence has limited the pleasure of tipping a bike from side to side through these twists and curves. However this evening I had the road to myself. There was no traffic in either direction and I found myself and the Honda flowing along this lane with nothing to disturb this simple pleasure.

You probably had to be there, but I was very glad you weren't.

For a view on today's activities please refer to the previous Journal entry

No, seriously, I mean it ...

... today was virtually the same as yesterday from a work perspective and I am not going to repeat myself. Of course there were differences; there were no early morning discussions about vehicle parking at The Pile and today's obstructive Subject Matter Idiots were different to yesterdays but if I look back at this day from a year in to the future do I really need to recount the minor details that distinguish today from yesterday? I think not.

I will mention that it was a glorious evening and I did head straight out with T&M for a walk before dinner. Apart from that see yesterday.

Going to work

For the past two weeks there has been a significant alteration in my working arrangements. Three days each week I travel in to the Nearest Circle of Hell and actually meet up with the people I am working with. 30% and TP think that this social contact is good for me ... I however am not so sure!

It is nice to bump in to friends and I frequently link up with Grandad Jack for lunch and extended coffee breaks but it is starting to hit my pocket. So far I am down £4, as Jack has yet to cough up for the eggs he had last week and today I Robot ponced a quid off me, as he was short of car parking fees. At this rate I'll be skint by the end of the week and I'm not certain that being co-located actually creates working synergies as, from my perspective, I got fuck all done today. Working from home is far more efficient  for me as it means that spare moments can be spent on domestic duties rather than chatting or being politely mugged by frolleagues who "seem to be short of cash".

Then there is the daily commute, This as far from the best use of my time and there is also the cost of fuel and the impact on the planet. Today I attempted to address both the time and cost of travel by taking the Honda in to work. It is probably best to overlook the additional time it took to get my helmet and jacket on, extract the bike from the garage, get the engine warmed up and have a one-sided row* with 30% about where I had left her two cars and my Land Rover ...

... as I was saying, if we overlook the time required for these additional activities it most definitely shortens the journey time as the Defender is never going to be any good filtering through heavy traffic or hitting 100 mph on the few stretches of dual carriage way.  I think it fair to say that the only way the journey could be improved was if I didn't have to carry the bloody laptop with me.

Work was the usual series of formal and impromptu discussions. New activities were initiated and others, that should now be completed, stubbornly refuse to progress ... for the past few days I have been trying to get a statement on the tooling being used in our current project. I am making very slow progress and today I tried to get the Subject Matter Expert to provide guidance. This involved "door stepping" someone, who looked like they had just walked in to their first proper job, in an attempt to get five minutes of their time. The little git refused to assist even though this is most definitely part of his role to support.

I am slowly developing a list of wankers I never want to work with again on this new job.

As five o'clock approached I reviewed today's achievements and was disappointed by the brevity of this virtual list. It then dawned on me that I am not in charge so I mentally shrugged, grabbed my lid and jacket and headed off to play with the traffic.

The evening wasn't really very productive but I spent some time cutting more dental moulding and ordered some wood stain as I am going to have to attempt some colour mixing to achieve a match with the original polished moulding.

---

* She was rowing. I refused to partake.

I wish more of my Mondays were like this

The current assignment is a little unusual for me in that I am not leading the team. I have been asked to "help out" and, although I was temporarily "in charge" last week, today I am back to providing a supporting role and doing my best to find useful things to do. I am amazed at how little stress is involved in this particular job. I grub around, looking under rocks and rotten logs, and pass beautifully prepared morsels back to the Leader to see whether they are acceptable or not ...

... the thing is, I have passed plenty of sweetmeats across to him but am not getting any feedback. I appreciate that he is busy but if he took some time out to delegate some aspects of the project across to me he might find it yielded a significant reduction in his workload. This delegation isn't happening so I am having a relatively easy time at the moment and it is so nice to not have to start work before nine and to knock off around five.

There is not a lot more I can say of any interest; spreadsheets got filled, e-mails got sent and calls got attended. A walk with T&M broke up the day and eventually the clock chimed five o'clock.*

My to do list has been considerably shortened over the past few weeks and after spending ten minutes repositioning the Box Frame on the Landing** I was wondering what to do ...

... I ended up out in the garage where I made a start on the light restoration of the Mahogany Corner Cupboard we bought back in February. The cupboard has a crown moulding that has a dental moulding directly underneath it. Over the years a section of the dental moulding has come away and a few pieces have broken off giving it a gap toothed appearance. I had acquired a couple of strips of mahogany and spent a happy hour replicating sections of the dental moulding. The next task will be to stain them an appropriate colour and get them glued back in place.

It all seems so easy when I type this in to The Journal.

---

* So it was probably about four minutes past.
** the original hanging looked dreadful but simply dropping it eight inches and moving it across a couple of inches too made all the difference.

Madness, Motors & Mates

One day last week I took lunch with Grandad Jack. This is always a humorous affair and one of that day's stories concerned the current Mrs H.  Apparently Mrs H has it in her head that wireless computer networking causes cancer and, as a result, Jack has to hard wire his laptop in to his home broadband socket. He has tried to explain that his house is liberally permeated with all manner of electromagnetic waves from television and radio through to mobile telephone and next door's wireless network but to no avail. Mrs H will not budge from her opinion and an RJ45 LAN cable will forever be seen nestling in Jack's laptop bag ...

... Now why would I mention this? We all laughed at this tale of an unfounded but strongly held view and Jack's grudging compliance. I am also guessing that the diners were thinking "I'm glad my significant other doesn't display that level of irrationality". I was too until today when 30% came bloody close.

This morning we were off to the final match of the Rugby season at a ground that turned out to be just down the road from the Warwick Arts Centre in Coventry. Before we left 30% informed me that she had turned off the dehumidifier as she didn't want to leave it on while we were out of the house. I pondered this for a moment and then asked if she was aware that the unit was designed such that, if required, it could be left permanently running in, for example, a holiday cottage or caravan. 30% acknowledged this new and pertinent fact but her opinion wavered not. She pointed out that it was a heater and she didn't want to leave it running for fear of fire. I pointed out that it was actually more like a refrigeration unit than a heater but it was still not allowed to run unattended.

I really could not be bothered to debate this monument of irrationality and we headed off to the rugby game after turning off the dehumidifier. The refrigerator, fridge freezer and two upright freezers on the property were, however, all allowed remain on while we were out!

The last match went well. I didn't think it was brilliant but TP's team came away with a 17:5 victory which was a great way to end one of their best seasons so far. It also means that we now get our Sunday mornings back after six months of working around training and match fixtures.

A late lunch was promptly followed by a walk around the Three Miler with T&M as we were expecting visitors in the afternoon. 30% had arranged for an old frolleague of hers to pay us a call. She had semi lost touch but her new car has a couple of minor blemishes and, as he runs the local ChipsAway franchise, this seemed like an opportune situation to rekindle the friendship. To cut a long story very short; he turned up with his new fiancee and we ended up with an invitation to their wedding at the end of August.

It was also a case of fortuitous timing as 30%'s brother and the Elf turned up at the same time to show off their recently acquired 1970 VW Minivan. It was quite charming and will make a splendid camper van provided the availability of funds matches their plans and desires. The reason their visit was fortuitous was that 30%'s brother has had his car "keyed" and needs the services of an auto paint technician.*

 By the time the house had emptied it was time to light a fire and spend a quiet evening with only the only effort expended being the few steps in to the dining room for dinner.

Shit, it's work again tomorrow.

 ---

* The VW van does too but the words full body and respray are ones that will feature in any quotation for that work.

On a Mission

I have been on a Mission today and have wreaked havoc amongst the many items on my to do list. Let me explain ...

... I woke at a reasonable hour and, after liberation of chickens, spent a lazy time drinking coffee and preparing for the day. This involved extricating the Honda from the garage as I have made a resolution to use both of the bikes as much as possible this Summer after last year's complete wash out. Now a motorcycle wouldn't be my normal choice of vehicle for a visit to a DIY store but I was fairly confident that it could transport me and a load comprising; a replacement ball valve and a few corner bracing brackets. It was great to be out on the bike as she made a mundane trip in to a fun ride and is a lot easier on my pocket than the Defender when it comes to fuel.

I arrived home just as 30% prepared to head out on whatever errands was she had planned for the morning* and decided to extend my ride a little further by grabbing a handful of cash and nipping down the road to pay PtP for his recent, and hopefully final, assistance with the leak issue.

Debts settled, I finally made a start on the first job of the day which was to replace the ball valve in the en suite wc. I am not a huge fan of plumbing tasks and, whilst I have had successes, I have also bitten off more that I can chew on a couple of occasions too, so am now very wary of jobs that start with the instruction turn off the mains supply. ** On this occasion the job went well and the cistern now refills without the foghorn sound that is indicative of a knackered ball valve.

I had just finished tidying and had gone on to put last week's guanciale cure to soak for an hour when there was a knock at the door. 30% had advertised my redundant mitre saw on a Freecycle web site and one of the local Redditch Vultures had descended for a choice piece of carrion. I passed the time of day with him and let him lug it off to his car cheerfully advising that the sawdust now coating his jumper was free. mind you the saw was too.

After a quick lunch the guanciale was dried, wrapped and hung from the hooks in the kitchen. I then took T&M out for a walk. For the first time in weeks I took a diversion from our normal route and headed over the fields. The dogs had a wonderful time especially around the rabbit warrens on the hill. After an hour out in the fields and lanes I needed something to fill the rest of my afternoon ...

... I am conscious that I have been wittering on about it for many weeks so I finally settled down and completed my box frame project. The spear heads were mounted and the components assembled and screwed together. It has been a bit of a project starting with a few sketches and ending up with a fine decorative feature.

From this ...

To this.

It is fair to say that the evening involved me doing nothing more complex than slouching on the sofa.

---

* I later found out that it was a supermarket trip and adjustment of the tracking on her car
** as they have a tendency to spiral down in to sprays of water, frustration, swearing, the need to call in a Professional, being patronised and ending up with a significant invoice!

Today's Miserable Sod was far better

Friday was spent attempting to cajole information from unwilling colleagues and insert it in to a spreadsheet. I was somewhat frustrated to repeatedly hear "I've never heard of that strategic tool", from people who like to use the words Subject, Matter and Expert when describing their roles, as I attempted to develop a declaration of the projects alignment with Dante's vision of the future ...

... In the end I was forced to significantly reduce my quality standard to a level where I was happy if I had managed to put correctly spelled words in a spreadsheet cell!

Eventually five o'clock was chimed by the clock* in the hall and I signed off. I was more than ready to start the weekend.

This evening we headed over to Warwick Arts Centre to see Rich Hall perform his stand up show and a fine time was had by all. I must admit that many of the stories, jokes and ad libbed songs were repeated from his previous run of shows but there was a smattering of new and updated material. Despite the lack of new jokes it was still hugely funny and Hall effortlessly delivered his set in his curmudgeonly yet likeable way. It was definitely an 8/10 gig and would have been much nearer the perfect 10 if he had a greater quantity of new material.

---

so it was probably about three minutes past five

Miserable Sod

It was  another day at the nearest Circle of Hell keeping plates spinning. I will avoid boredom by not going in to detail save for two items of news. The first of these is that the Lead Solution Manager is now virtually back at work. I'm not sure whether I mean virtual as in working but not physically in the office or virtual as in almost or nearly working as he recovers from his chicken pox. After further thought I actually think I may have picked a word where both definitions are relevant in it's single use.

The other newsworthy item was that I was called in to a meeting and had my first real encounter with the Account Executive and what a miserable sod he turned out to be. Now I do not walk in to work and expect to be lauded or have rose petals strewn across my path as I walk amongst the cubicles but I am used to most people being friendly and generally pleased to be working together on a common goal ...

... Mr Grumpy was most definitely not one of these and simply started Alpha Male posturing and making barely veiled threats about how much grief he was going to give people if he slipped the delivery date and then ended up with price he didn't like. He also started hassling me about plans and delivery dates when, as I had clearly fucking explained, I had only been engaged at the back end of last week and had spent all of this week doing the work of a man who was off sick.

I did what I normally do with large men who like to throw their weight around and simply stood up to him and made sure that he understood the facts, whilst refusing to be intimidated by unnecessary demands ...

... it is not as though I needed any more friends at the moment anyway.

The working day eventually ended and I headed back to The Pile where I pottered for a while before dining and slouching on the sofa. The only domestic activity of any significance was the production of a new batch of cure as I have two pig's cheeks turning slowly in to guanciale in the cellar fridge.

Roll on five o'clock Friday.

What's long and hard and very little comes out of the end of it ?

No, not an erect penis , as you might be thinking ... I was actually summarising my working day. Once again, I hauled my unlucky arse in to the Defender and headed over to the Nearest Circle of Hell to continue in my new, but temporary, role as Lord of the Chimps. This is the job where I know virtually nothing but have played the game before, As a result I appear to be exuding some sort of pheromone which makes the rest of the team think I know what I am doing.

I managed to avoid exposing my ignorance today and, after putting on my thoughtful face, spent four fucking hours in a solution review. I am guessing that my thoughtful face lasted about 30 minutes before it headed off under the table for a snooze and was replaced by my bored rigid, get me out of here face which, based on observations, seems to have much more staying power.

At the end of the review I had a better understanding of what the team were doing and had made a few suggestions about areas they might like to address.* I then had the joy of a ninety minute call attempting to clarify network requirements.

It is fair to say that the network call wiped out the last smidgeon of enthusiasm I had left in my body so I packed up the laptop and headed back towards The Pile.

By the time I got home I had regained some enthusiasm and today's mail had given me something to do ...

A couple of months ago, while working on TP's electric ukulele project, my router died. I must have had it for over twenty years and it simply, spluttered, sparked and refused to work. I borrowed BMS's router to finish the ukulele but, as I used it, I realised how accustomed I had got to my Old Bosch Router. The Bosch is only a low powered 400 watt motor but it is so well designed, compact and, for twenty years, has done everything I asked of it. I was quite sorry to see it go and and, since it's death, it has sat waiting to go to the Tip.

For some strange reason I got it in to my head that the router's brushes had failed. I don't know where the hell this notion came from, as I am not really one for meddling with mechanical devices, but the idea came and would not go away. In the end I lifted the router from the junk pile and disassembled it on the work bench. As I took it apart I noticed a Made In Switzerland label and this encouraged me to continue. I opened up the tool and it was assembled like the proverbial Swiss watch, everything was beautifully put together, from quality components and it was ridiculously simple to get to the brushes ...

Today the replacement brushes arrived, so I headed out to the garage and spent half an hour replacing them and giving the tool a minor service. I eventually plugged it in and hit the power switch. It now runs perfectly and has now been lovingly placed back in it's box to nestle alongside the router bits.

On the bike front; Tim from Moto-vation has responded to my chaser call and it looks like I will be taking the 996 over to Cheltenham at the beginning of May. The tax disk also arrived for the Honda so I can now legitimately take her out on the road again.

As the day ends I know that I have definitely fixed one thing, I'm not so sure about the project at work though.

---

* One of these areas is the Mid-Range Chap's fashion sense, as his T Shirt looks like his Mum bought it for him.

Another day in a real office

After two days on the job I have suddenly acquired the status of font of all knowledge and have spent much of the day in long discussions about matters where I am so far behind the curve that my knowledge level is more Children's story than Encyclopaedia Britannica...

... As a result I have been forced to resort to relying on common sense and honesty in my responses and it is working well so far. There have been occasions where some bullshit and bravado has been required too but at least the team have a replacement captain short, gobby figurehead during this week of uncertainty. I am doing my best to keep matters progressing whilst the Lead Solution Manager lies at home, presumably applying calamine lotion.

After a long day in the office all I wanted to do was come home and slouch on the couch so it will come as no surprise that I was simply delighted to be dragged over to Cheltenham Town Hall to see Jimmy Carr.

I am far from a fan of the moon faced, tax dodger but 30% had been given a pair of tickets for her birthday and felt obliged to take me along. To be fair the gig wasn't that bad and overall I gave it a 6 / 10 on the basis that some of the jokes made me laugh. However it wasn't a particularly sophisticated routine and looked like he had taken a 1970s club comedian's act and simply updated it for modern times. It was basically a series of very short gags. Each followed broadly the same structure with a single set up line and then the punchline. Some of them were funny, some of them were not and, despite his reputation for controversial material, there was nothing to offend the audience apart from a lack of effort involved in the writing of his set.

It was better than I had expected it to be but I am glad I didn't have to pay for the tickets.

Why Me ?

It looks like my week will be interesting as within twenty minutes of starting work I was pinged by a colleague ...

... He is the Project Lead on the bid where I have been asked to lend a hand and it appears that he has gone down with Chicken Pox over the weekend. He informed me that he is unlikely to be in work this week and asked me to keep an eye on a couple of activities. Oh Well, they only have a couple of weeks before they submit a price to the client and I know Sweet Fanny Adams about the project scope, project plan, project team, project status, etc etc. However, there seems to be no-one else around to take charge so I did the decent thing ...

... What on earth could go wrong? I'm sure it will be fine! *

Away from work, leak number three has been repaired by PtP and the curtain poles have been ordered from the Blacksmith. I have ordered a set of new brushes for my router and have chased up the Ducati Service and status of my photo processing.

The problem is, new items are appearing on my to do list faster than I am completing them.

---

* I am taking this forward on the basis that, ultimately, it is SEP ... Someone Else's Problem

There was less of today than expected

Much like last Sunday, most of today was taken up by a Rugby Match. TP's team were scheduled to play a few miles down the road against some seriously strong opposition that I wouldn't bet against. On a more positive note the club is also infamous for it's tremendous bacon sandwiches so, even though a defeat was likely, I stood a good chance of watching the game with a full belly ...

...  It is fair to say that the result came as no surprise to me. TP's team played well against a tough team but the opposition were well drilled and hungry for a win having been consistently beaten all season. As a result the final score was 37:3 with TP and his mates managing only a single penalty goal. I was somewhat bemused by the reaction of the Coaches to the score. As I stated, the opposition are notoriously good and, even if they had just come through a poor season, the game was still like a minnow coming up against a shark. 

Oh well, at least I got myself on the outside of a magnificent bacon and sausage sandwich for the princely sum of £1.80.

We arrived back home a little after one o'clock and, after lunch I headed out with T&M for a walk around the Three Miler. Upon our return, fatigue took over me and I hit the sofa for a restorative nap. Forty minutes later I reluctantly dragged myself up on to my feet and headed down to the cellar to recover the pig's head from the fridge. After putting an edge on my favourite knife, I removed the cheeks and trimmed them up. They were then given a good massage with cure mixture and returned to the fridge in a plastic tub. By the end of the week these will be converted in to guanciale which has become a store cupboard staple here at The Pile.

I then headed out to the garage to continue my tidying and spent an hour pottering, sweeping and clearing space. I returned to the house shortly before dinner to be informed that TP had rung a local pub about a job and needed to drop a CV in to the manager. We therefore spent a few minutes sketching out the achievement of his brief existence and left him to type it up ...

... Dinner was the first meal taken in the new Dining Room and it was lovely to sit and eat in a light and airy, uncluttered room after so many years in the gloom of the old hall. After dinner I would normally head for the sofa but this evening I headed out in the Defender so that TP could drop his CV off in the hope of seeking gainful employment over the summer.

I note that the questions of transport to and from this potential employment opportunity has not yet been discussed.

Mafia visit and the art installation

Since it's purchase and use a few months back, my morticer has taken on the role of a piece of modern sculpture and has been installed in our current dining room where it had attracted curious glances from visitors and frustrated outbursts from the family when they need to get past the damned thing. I see this a indisputable evidence of it's status as art as it has evoked emotional responses from it's audience. However, as a result of today's efforts, it now has a new home in the Museum of Metropolitan Art garage. Let me explain ...

After, cutting and jointing a couple of the bench legs yesterday I was keen to get on with the job and was breakfasted, and working before nine o'clock. By the time 30% surfaced at around ten o'clock I had glued and screwed the first half of the frame together and was well on the way to constructing the second. I won't bore an already dwindling readership with the minutiae of it's construction and will move on towards lunchtime when 30% was about to leave for an afternoon of Musical Theatre in Birmingham ...

... As she was about to depart, taking a minor detour to drop TP off at the Rugby Club, she noticed a large carrier bag had been deposited on our doorstep. On closer examination it became apparent that we had either upset the local Mafia Big Style or Cathy H-R had recently slaughtered a pig ... The bag contained a pig's head and, as I am sure I would remember if I had moved in on a local protection racket or drug ring, I am fairly certain that Cathy's customers have again refused the head when buying half a pig. It therefore looks like I will be starting a guanciale cure tomorrow then.

Most of the day was spent building the bench and further tidying the garage. By half past four I had finished and was absolutely shattered.  I didn't have much opportunity to rest as T&M still needed to be walked so it was a case of a quick coffee and out around the Three Miler.

After the walk I then had to collect TP from the Rugby Club where he had been assisting with a Charity Event. Normally I would have taken the Defender but the beautiful weather and a lack of diesel meant that the Honda got dragged from her lair and was used to pick him up. By the time I got home I was exhausted and TP was left to order a Chinese takeaway. Fortunately I had just enough energy left to rectify the Defender / Diesel issue and collect "number 90" from Astwood House Chinese.

The rest of the evening was spent trying, but failing, to fall asleep on the sofa, whilst praying that the twinges of heartburn didn't flare up in to full blown indigestion.

A full day

After the usual morning routine of coffee, chicken liberation, emptying of dogs and breakfast I gathered my helmet, gloves and jacket and accepted a lift from 30% over to Redditch Motorcycles to pick up the Honda. I'm becoming accustomed to their somewhat disorganised approach and it came as no real surprise that, whilst the bike was MOT'd, serviced and had a new set of tyres, it wasn't actually there ...

... basically it had been MOT'd at a workshop in Alcester and needed to be collected. There was no point getting wound up about this so I chatted to Chris as he opened up the shop. Eventually his assistant arrived which meant that Chris could give me a pillion ride over to pick up my bike. Whilst I was loitering I did attempt to throw my leg over the BMW 1200GS in the showroom but the cruel shark of reality surfaced in my pipe dream of ownership, there was no way a short arse like me would ever be comfortable on anything that tall.

It was great to have the bike back on the road and, as I headed back to The Pile, it felt much more planted with new rubber. I may well have the Ducati serviced there if I can't get a response from Moto-vation as Chris is now happy to work on these complicated Italian V Twins.

Back at home I rang PtP and asked him to come over and check out yet another bloody leaking pipe.* I really can't believe our misfortune as I have noticed that another of the pipes in the bathroom has a slight weep from one of the compression joints ... at the moment it looks like everything in the house is dripping as both T&M have come in to season too. PtP advised that he would see if he could pop round later on to have a look and I reassured him that it wasn't urgent as it was a weep not a leak and could wait if he was busy.

Having got the important things out of the way, I finally sat down at my laptop and sent my CV over to Mr O&L to see whether any of the Management at Neat & Tidy Piano Movers would be interested in procuring my services. I then settled to work.

It was the normal disorganised nonsense and the political wrangles about who owns my current project continue. I am stuck in the middle of a bunch of Execs all chasing a win bonus but they can't all own the Engagement. It is fair to say that a couple of them are going to be quite pissed off in the next week or so as the hand-over workshop I was asked to run is likely to be cancelled.  This basically means that we are going to keep it rather than hand it back to the Account Team ... This will, without doubt, be an interesting spectacle.

I pushed a few rocks around on the latest project and started to sequentially arrange ducks but I was well aware that it is Friday and, quite literally, could not be arsed to start anything huge with the weekend imminent. Instead, I pottered and kept busy sorting out the Honda's Road Fund License and tweaking my to do list.

Late in the afternoon PtP popped round and examined my pipework. His verdict was that I really should find another Plumber as it will be a pig of a job ... we laughed and after a good natter he promised to pop around on Monday unless a more lucrative job turned up over the weekend.

It was fair to say that Paul's visit created a natural end to my working day and TP and 30% arrived home shortly thereafter. After greetings and news I headed out to the garage and made a start on my new work bench and within an hour had much of the timber cut and had made  a start on the joints to fix the top rails to the legs. As I finished trimming the final rebate 30% summoned me and we headed out for the final job of the day ... we nipped over to see Sally to collect our reupholstered dining chairs. She has made a superb job of them and they look fantastic now they have been cleaned, polished and recovered in a Sage Green leather.

I'm guessing that we may actually get to eat in the Dining Room this weekend.

---

* in the same area as the ones he fixed last week. This one will be a complete and utter pig to fix as it sits behind the soil stack and is far from accessible.

Hello, and what do you do ...

This morning I left 30% in charge of receiving my delivery of plywood and 2" x 4" and headed in to the nearest Circle of Hell to meet the new team I have been assigned to assist. It has been an absolute age since I was last in an Office environment and 30% is has a firm opinion* that working from home is not good for me and that I need human contact rather than just relying on her shouting dulcet tones and TP's grunts. I point out that I have a whole population of imaginary friends to talk to but she just throws this back at me as evidence that I need to get out more. I generally leave these conversations by saying that I will discuss them with Tyson and Marauder and we'll get back to her once we have reached a collective decision.**

Anyway, I seem to have wandered slightly off the point there, back to the Office, I found the new team by good fortune as I wandered in to their general locale in the open plan layout ...

... as I was about to use my phone to ring my contact I heard "Hello badman". I turned and noticed an ex-colleague from many years ago that had done rather well for herself and now managed a group of Junior Account Executives. We exchanged pleasantries, including me mentioning what I was up to, and within a flash I was being led up the walkway and was being introduced to Uncle Tom Cobley and all. 

I am bloody hopeless with names and, in an instant, had forgotten all but my main man who I will be supporting over the next few weeks. It was interesting to note that I was not completely surrounded by strangers as I have worked, or crossed paths, with at least four of the team in my fifteen year career sentence at Dante's. I spent the day attempting to work out what the hell they were up to and where I might be able to provide some assistance. They seemed quite happy with my input and I picked up a few actions to progress. The interesting point about this is that as I am most definitely not the Lead Solutioner I am totally relaxed about the whole job. My arse is not on the line here and every thing I do will be viewed as supportive and productive provided I don't fuck anything up.

During the day I found time to send out invitations for workshop I am planning to hand back my current project to the Account Team. These seem to have caused a little spat as the Account Team are expecting me to give it back and the Sales Team want me to hold on to it. I am in a situation where I neither know who my master is or what they want me to do so I have set up a call with a bunch of Execs and I propose to let them argue it out amongst themselves whilst I sit back and take minutes.

By four o'clock it was fair to say that I was well and truly over the excitement  of seeing other people and headed back home to take the dogs for a walk.

I have decided that colleagues just give you somebody to talk to instead of working.

---

* not a single one of her opinions requires Viagra ... never!
** at this point she pulls one of those faces. You know what I mean. I think they are generally referred to as withering looks

Other Stuff

During the day I managed to find time to chase up Job Finder Steve for his appraisal of my CV. It is fair to say that he liked it and that is was ideal for roles similar to what I do at present, but he suggested that I could further promote my soft skills to broaden the range of roles available. It looks like I will be making a few minor tweaks tomorrow before passing it over to a possibly interested party.

Keeping Busy

The almost complete lack of activity on my Project has given me time to fill. I have done my best to keep busy by addressing the never ending to do list that is generally summed up as life.

This morning I arranged for the Builders Merchants to deliver a sheet of ply and length of 4" x 2"  tomorrow morning. I will then have enough materials for my work bench and plan to throw that together on Saturday. I then wandered out to the garage, Ducati keys in hand ...

... Another filthy dust sheet was removed and I swear she winked at me as daylight hit her for the first time in months. I put her alarm in to service mode and spent a few minutes maneuvering her so she was facing the garage door and put her up on to a workshop stand.* The ignition was switched on and the instrument cluster lit up. I hit the starter button and she fired up. I instantly hit the kill switch to give her a chance to throw some oil around the long dormant engine before running her for any length of time. I repeated this a couple of times and then let her run filling the garage with her throbbing engine notes and petrol tainted exhaust fumes ...

... next job on the list was to send a text to Moto-vation to see if they can find an MOT and Service slot for her in the next couple of weeks.

I headed back to my desk for a while and a little after eleven the dining table was delivered. I gave the Driver a hand to carry it in to the Dining Room and it looks absolutely fantastic. It is a late Victorian. mahogany extender with ball and claw carved feet and is in beautiful condition for it's age. I can't wait for the chairs to arrive, curtain poles to arrive, curtains to be made ...

... Yes, I know there are still a few jobs to do before the room is finally finished!

Later on in the day I was "pinged" by IM who advised that he wanted me to continue to wind down my current project and provide a little process support on another contract extension activity. I am more than happy to help out but am becoming more than a little frustrated at the gulf that seems to be appearing between my job title and the nature of the work I am being allocated.

The "working" day ended and all three of us headed over to TP's school for a meeting about a 6th Form exchange programme, in which TP is interested in participating ...

... it looks like he may be heading out to Zambia next Easter!

---

* she has a racing pedigree and a result of this is that she cannot be started whilst her side stand is down. I therefore either need to hold her or put her on a workshop stand to start the engine.

Always the Quantity Surveyer

A few weeks ago I bumped in to C&M ..."C" was pushing a trundle wheel in an attempt to determine the actual length of the Three Miler.

Today, whilst walking the dogs, I met C&M out for a blustery walk and remembered to ask about his findings ...

... I can now report that, measured as a "circular" route starting at the Pub in the Green, the Three Miler is officially 2.66 miles in length.

I can, however, still claim a three mile walk as the return journey from home to the Pub is at least 600 yards.