Encapsulate this in a few words ... I can't

I suspect that if I asked someone to picture the end of a race they would envisage an athlete, with their head held high, thrusting their chest forward in to the tape that marks the finish line. That is not exactly how my "race" finished today ...

... for the past couple of weeks I have been coordinating the completion of a set of third party contracts and documents of understanding that all needed to be in place such that the main Agreement with the client could be signed this morning. This job has been a Royal pain in the arse. The Specialist Procurement personnel have been out of the office more than they have been in it, both of them seem somewhat less than motivated and most definitely lacking in any project management ability. The signing of the main Agreement was deferred by a week so they even had more time but they still managed to make a complete and utter pig's ear of things and we arrived at our deadline with barely sufficient documentation to satisfy the Daemons that these sub-contracts were in place. The ink was still wet on some of them and, if I am honest, other associated documents remain to be agreed and signed.

So let us review our imaginary Olympian with hair streaming behind them and replace that image with a decrepit octogenarian collapsing ahead of the line and, with breath rattling from their failing lungs, pulling themselves by their finger tips to the finish.

It is fair to say that I like to take a pride in my work and I leave this assignment with a self assessment of adequate and when I say adequate it should probably be accompanied by the adverb barely.

Moving on to Life rather than Work, today's moment of humour came when I took Tyson back to the Vet as her torn claw is troubling her and has bled on a couple of occasions. The Vet suggested sedating her so that the claw could be removed and I agreed that this was the best course of action. He asked whether she had eaten anything this morning as the light anaesthetic could induce vomiting. I think he was expecting a yes or no so was taken aback when I looked at her and then back at him and replied that she had eaten a ham sandwich ...

... I reminded the Vet that her drugs needed to be taken with food and both T&M have food constantly available so I needed something tempting to ensure her pills sat on a full stomach; hence a ham sandwich. He laughed at this unconventional approach and we continued with the pre-op consents and confirmation of contact details. I left her there with instructions to call for a progress report at two o'clock.

Two o'clock came and I called to be informed that all had gone well and that I could collect her later in the afternoon. She is now curled up on the sofa as right as ninepence.

30% returned from work somewhat excited* by her new role and it fair to say that she needed to do a bit of shouting to get it out of her system ... eventually, reassured by the sight of Tyson virtually restored to normal levels of craziness, she was ready to start the weekend and we headed over to Littleton Auctons to view the lots.

Tomorrow could be expensive.

---

* This is most definitely a euphemism

Sick Note

There is little to report from the past couple of days. I'm getting over my cold however Tyson's recovery has not been so straightforward. The anti-inflammatories and antibiotics have had the desired effect on her torn claw and consequently she is quite happy wandering around with a barely a limp. This increased actvity is loosening the claw and on a couple of occasions it has started to bleed. I have had to apply a dressing to stem the flow and to keep her from niggling at the wound. She looks quite comical with her paw bandaged and has a tendency to sit with her paw held up for all to see.

Realistically the injury isn't going to heal until the nail is removed and it looks like I will be back at the Vet's tomorrow for another consultation.

Bleurgh !

If I am honest I did very little today. My head is full of cold and I felt quite dreadful. I spent the bare minimum of time at the laptop, just enough to keep matters on track as we head towards Friday when this deal gets signed.

I did manage a walk around the Three Miler with Marauder and felt somewhat better for being outside in the sun. Mind you, it could just have been the vast quantities of over the counter medication that I have been throwing down my throat.

I encouraged TP out in to the garden this afternoon and he made a reasonable job of edging the lawn. I also let him loose with a garden sprayer filled with weedkiller to sort out the herbal invaders in the block paving ... I hope I don't regret this in a couple of weeks time when things start to die ... after all, a while back I was tempted to draw a huge cock and balls on Idiot Manager's front lawn with a solution of RoundUp!

I spent the evening at home slouched on the sofa alone as 30% and TP headed out to a School Barbecue arranged as part of the Zambian Exchange programme. I really don't feel very sociable at the moment.

When home and work collide

I had a dreadful night's sleep and can recall waking almost every hour. My head was full of cold and it is fair to say that I didn't feel my best. Looking on the bright side, at least I only have to wander as far as the home office rather than schlep to London or some other location where my physical manifestation is mandated.

First job of the day was to arrange an appointment for Tyson at the Vets. A nine o'clock slot was available so I lifted* her in to the back of the Defender and headed down the road ...

... Fifty five British Pounds later I discovered that Tyson had partially torn one of her claws and an infection had set in. She was given a jab to ease the pain and hit the infection and she is to "take it easy" for the next few days whilst she consumes a variety of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories.

I headed home and settled in to my day's work. This included submitting my expenses and managing the signature of a variety of Third Party Contracts and Documents of Understanding. I would like to think that I am having some impact but the realist in me knows that the impending signature of a new contract with a client is the real impetus driving the activity. At best my role is that of either Shepherd or Reporter.

In the early afternoon I headed out for a walk with Marauder before yet more shepherding as I coaxed TP out of the door and whisked him over to the Dentist for an inspection of his damaged incisor ...

... it is settling back in to its socket and a further two appointments have been scheduled for root canal fillings to the tooth and its neighbour.

By the time I arrived home I felt most unwell and would have liked to call it a day but I had a conference call arranged for six thirty that I needed to attend. I'm glad I did as it was hysterical. The purpose of the call was to review a document of understanding and agree it in principle. What it actually turned out to be was one of Dante's most unprofessional senior Daemons having a  rant at another sect of Devils and pointing out that she would not be incurring any financial penalties if they had cocked up their estimates.

As I said, at best I am either shepherding or reporting on this activity.

---

* obviously to ensure she didn't hurt her paw. However, it is a regular source of amusement that Marauder will leap, from a standing start, in to the back of the Land Rover whilst Tyson, even when in full health, will simply place her front paws on the load bed and wait patiently for one of us to lift her rear end in to the car.

I've felt better

I woke this morning and felt like I had gone three rounds with a champion boxer after yesterdays re-stacking of the wood pile. My back and legs ached and it is fairly obvious that the recent weeks of hotel stays and office based working have done me no good at all. I need to get back in to my exercise regime. To make matters worse I have woken with a snotty nose and a scratchy feeling at the back of my throat. My initial diagnosis is a cold but 30% says hay fever. I guess it could be but I have never suffered like this before.

Tyson is no better so a) it looks like a trip to the Vets tomorrow and b) it was just Marauder and I that took a walk after breakfast. I have never walked Marauder on her own and I was amazed at how she behaved. She was a different dog, she was calm and walked to heel most of the time and there was no straining at the lead as we set off down the road. We were stopped a few times on our walk and acquaintances asked about Tyson's whereabouts. We also received three separate compliments about Marauder's recent clip ... it was nice to have independent confirmation that I had done a decent job.

After completing the Three Miler I dragged the pawn mower from the garage and whizzed around the lawn before the first of today's showers hit the village. The morning's exertions combined with an achy back meant that I was knackered and starving so a lazy, extended lunch was taken before 30% and I nipped out to pick up some fruit 'n veg from a nearby farm shop.

On our return I fully intended to do nothing but snooze on the sofa but I felt the need to do something constructive so I unwrapped the curtain poles that I had collected from the Blacksmith last Monday and wandered in to the dining room ...

... after assembling a pile of assorted tools and deployment of some imaginative invective the rails now grace the door and window frames and 30% can now arrange for Upholsterer Sally to come around to measure up for curtains.

Mr Teasy Weasy?

I have a suspicion that my body is far more in tune with the rising and setting of the sun than I would like it to be. For much of this week I have been waking early and this morning, despite obvious fatigue, I was up and about by half past five. I pottered, drank coffee and just enjoyed being at home rather than the succession of sterile boxes I have been forced to inhabit for much of the past couple of weeks. It is a sorry state of affairs when the only space that had any personal significance is the cab of the Defender and I was only in that for the commute to and from the office!

Anyway, enough of that, I am home now and not away for at least a couple of weeks. 30% surfaced early for her and we were in to the Defender and heading towards Worcester before the clock struck ten.* The purpose of our visit was to collect the remainder of the wood Jules had scavenged for us and to present her with her birthday card and gift. We passed the time with Jules and exchanged news before heading back home.  The sky threatened rain so we left the wood in the Land Rover and wandered in for a coffee.

I then fancied a walk so grabbed a hat and coat and was instantly joined by an excited T&M. We had hardly got fifty yards from the door when I noticed that Tyson was limping so the walk was aborted and I headed back somewhat annoyed and frustrated to find one of the dogs had picked up an injury while I was away. With time on my hands I went and collected the clippers from the garage and gave them their summer haircut.  It took a good couple of hours to get them so they looked reasonably presentable rather than though they had just got over a bad case of mange!

By this time my early start had caught up with me and I crashed on the sofa for an hour or so** before waking and feeling slightly more human. 30% was attacking and Everest of ironing so I thought that I had better do something productive too ... I shuffled cars and positioned the Land Rover for an easy extrication of the wood ...

... As I took the first few pieces to the pile at the back of the garage I realised that I may have made it easy to unload the wood but stacking it was going to be a complete bastard of a job. The pile was a collapsed mess and as a result I spent an hour outside re-stacking the wood pile.

I wandered in at beer o'clock and caught up with TP's news of his day with his Mother and siblings before settling down for a sofa dinner. I then did something that I have never done before  ...

... 30% had combed the tangles from Marauder's topknot and I had a pair of scissors at hand so I started to trim it back in to shape. Previously I had left this to the professionals but M was a star and lay still allowing me cut back the 70's Afro that was starting to develop on her head. Encouraged by my efforts Tyson got coiffeured too.

I'm not sure I am ready for a career change to dog grooming but I am more than willing to take them out in public looking as they do.

---

* Despite 30% and TP knowing that the clock only likes to be wound between the hours of eight and nine they somehow manage not to follow this simple instruction. As a result they prematurely initiate the chiming mechanism and put the chimes out of synchronisation with the actual hour. Hence the clock struck ten at nine o'clock ... and yes it is only me that knows how to put the damned thing back on track.
** possibly an under estimate

The longest day

Yep, they got that right! It definitely felt like the longest day as I spent four bloody hours, I repeat, four bloody hours in a page turn review of a nineteen page contract document in the company of a lawyer and a procurement specialist. It is fair to say that they were in their element whilst I and the Supplier's Director were not. From well before the midpoint onwards we were exchanging pained expressions which clearly had a sub-text of "Christ they are making hard work of this".

To make matters worse the review filled the hours from ten until two and by the time I wandered in to Dante's refectory the staff were cleaning the counters and there was little to choose from apart from a rubbery cheese and soggy tomato baguette ... mmm lovely.*

It appears that I am still needed to provide support for a couple of days next week but this will be on a part-time basis and from home so, at the very least, I will finally get some exercise and a break from hotel restaurant food.

This evening we headed over to The Bridge at Bidford where we met up with The Elf to celebrate her birthday. We had a lovely meal although the Restaurant Manager who escorted us to our table was a little snotty. Our table wasn't particularly fantastic either and I spent most of the evening being blinded by the setting sun and having to ask 30% to adjust the louvre blinds in an attempt to prevent cataracts. The moment the sun had dipped behind the horizon Mr Snotty appeared from nowhere and, without a word, reached across the table to open the blinds. I have to be honest and say that he was verging on fucking rude. Fortunately the company, food and the waitress service made up for the manager's lack of civility and we had a delightful evening catching up with each other's news.

I was expecting to be unenthusiastic about another restaurant steak dinner but I realised that there is a huge difference between dining alone and dining with friends. It isn't the food and it isn't the location, it is the company that makes the meal.

---

* just in case you hadn't noticed, that was sarcasm.

If life gives you lemons ...

... then make lemonade.

Thursday was another early start. This time I was in to the office before the canteen had opened so I turned left and headed to the fourth floor to set up my laptop before wandering back downstairs to break my fast. A little sense prevailed this morning and a slightly more restrained almond croissant and banana were selected for breakfast before the daily shit shovelling commenced.

Alternating between a visually sterile, threadbare office and a very similar hotel room has not been particularly enjoyable andI had been tempted to head back home early. The perfect opportunity arose today when a Procurement Manager arranged a contract review tomorrow at my Nearest Circle of Hell. * I seized the moment and suggested my early departure to the Lead Project Manager. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker and I spent the rest of the day with my head down attempting to gain purchase with my allocated tasks.

By five thirty I had got as far as I could with work so called it a day and headed out in to the traffic towards the hotel. Twenty five minutes later I was wandering towards room 309 for the last time and wasted not a moment as I hastily threw my clothes in to a bag. I paused briefly to return my key at the Reception desk before clambering in to the Defender and heading homeward.

I wandered in to The Pile just in time for dinner and was greeted enthusiastically by T&M and even 30% and TP seemed quite pleased to see me.

It comes as a relief that this assignment is virtually over. It hasn't been particularly hard work but it has involved unnecessary travel and hotel stays. In addition the work is poorly defined and insufficient to keep me occupied. As a result I have had to spend long days attempting to look busy on a job that is best described as herding cats.

---

* Let me just be clear that a three hour long, "page turn" review of a contract document is most definitely an example of life giving you lemons.

This is not a job

I was out of bed early this morning and walked in to the foyer of the client offices at a quite remarkable half past seven in the morning.

The lack of restaurant facilities at the Travelodge was the impetus for this early start and I turned right and headed for the refectory. I had worked up quite an appetite on the drive in to the office so I pitched up to the counter and ordered the "seven item, Full English". It is fair to say that I wasn't quite ready for the portion size ... the plate was piled so high it was spilling on to the tray and I was charged less than £3 for this cholesterol extravaganza.

I am afraid that was the high point of my working day and for the following ten hours I alternated between reviewing contract documents and just trying to look busy.

As I type this I am sat in the Holiday Inn restaurant with a G&T wondering what the chances are of me being "cut loose" next week.

Anything is better than providing holiday cover.

The grass is always greener ...

Now I have been around long enough to know this idiom well and be aware that generally the word "not" needs to be inserted in to this phrase.

At the moment this metaphor is a recurring theme in my life but today I really was in a grass is greener situation. Let me explain ...

... Last week I stayed at a Holiday Inn and it was OK, nothing great, but it was perfectly acceptable. This week it had no available rooms so I was allowed to book a room that was not featured on Dante's list provided I observed tight spending limits.

As a result I find myself fifty yards away from last week's hotel at a Travelodge and it is an experience that I never want to repeat again EVER!

To call it a shit hole would be paying it a compliment. I can honestly say that it is the cheapest, tattiest arsehole of a place that I have ever encountered and remember I have slept in a mobile home in Monument Valley that smelt of horse piss ... By comparison that place had charm

The room is the most depressing, tatty environment and is long overdue for refurbishment. The walls are perforated by screw holes where infrastructure has been removed and plastic rawlplugs still protrude from the holes. The furniture is made from laminated, particle board that has several unexplained holes where the laminate has come away and the board beneath has been picked at by a succession of depressed "guests" leaving craters an inch or more in diameter. All of the furniture appears to have been soaked with water at some point in its history as the edges have swollen and bulged showing more chipboard peeking out between laminate and edging strip. This has proved to be an irresistible temptation to previous residents too and this to has been picked at repeatedly. The room has the unmistakable odour of air freshener attempting to cover up cigarette smoke and if I highlight any more of its faults I am concerned that I will enter a depression that may take years to recover from.

To make matters worse I had to wander across the car park* to dine at the Holiday Inn as the Travelodge has no restaurant** I therefore was able to experience briefly how green the grass can be before trudging home to accommodation only marginally better than a cardboard box under a bridge on the Oxford ring road.

Roll on Friday.

---

* Which has a separate fee! How may hotels do you know where the cheapskate fuckers make you pay for car parking?
** although, based on the state of the room this is probably a very, very good thing

Reservations

The good news, if you can call it that, is that TP's incisor doesn't appear to be fractured and has now been gently* repositioned and splinted while it reattaches to its socket.

The bad news is that this weeks hotel is a Travelodge on the outskirts of Oxford ...

... What have I done to deserve this?

---

* although not as gently as TP would have liked

As days go, this one should have been better.

Sunday morning was somewhat energetic; the dogs got walked, the lawn was mown and this reckless activity might explain why the majority of the afternoon was spent in a mildly hypoglycaemic state. This was not an ideal way to spend Fathers’ Day but I was reasonably coherent by the time BMS, SMS, Tilly and 30%’s parents joined us for dinner.

I can report that the new dining table easily seats seven and that a “three rib” joint of beef leaves plenty over for midweek meals and cold beef sandwiches …

… just a shame that I have to base myself from sunny Oxford this week.

Probably what I needed ...

It was a quiet and very domestic day today.

I awoke reasonably early and spent an hour or so filling in on-line forms and uploading digital copies of documentation while 30% slowly entered the land of the living. We then paid a visit to a local meat wholesaler who had been recommended by a friend. It was agreed, before entering, that we would be restrained taking a sample first, come back again approach ...

... Hmmm! Things didn't quite go to plan and we ended up with a huge quantity of meat to re-stock our dwindling supplies at home. One of the purchases was a complete, boned loin of pork which provided a loin joint, six loin steaks and a further 10" piece of loin that will be cured to give us some back bacon.* We also acquired a large quantity of black pudding which proved to be very tasty and will allow us to make some much needed black pudding sausages in the near future. Legs of lamb, a large brisket joint, sausages, chicken breasts and a compulsory pork pie completed our order and I can report that the little we have sampled has proved to be very good indeed.

We then headed in to Redditch for a trip to the supermarket and to pick up dog food before returning home for lunch. Lunch was followed by a much needed walk around the Three Miler and, despite a heavy shower early on, I actually managed to avoid a soaking by the showers that have punctuated the day.

The remainder of the afternoon was filled with some light butchery as we reduced catering packs and joints down to family sized portions and I started the cure of the aforementioned loin of pork

I really should have mowed the lawn but I will stand by the it's too wet to cut alibi if questions are asked.

---

* As I will be in Oxford next week TP will be introduced to the art of curing and will be responsible for this task.

Fortuitous Scheduling?

After another unrewarding day in the office I packed up my laptop as four o'clock approached and headed back out on to Oxford's ring road. It was a slow crawl out to the motorway where the traffic spaced out a little. I arrived home at half past five to find 30% stood on the drive nattering to a passerby.

The "reason" for my early departure from work was that I was required to ferry TP and mates to a party this evening and 30% was unable to assist as she was having her hair done ...

... so I was a little taken aback when she advised that she had just left the salon and TP was nowhere to be seen. I'm not complaining, I was home at a reasonable time and could just loiter for an hour or so until I was required to operate the Dad's Taxi Service.

After dropping TP off at the party I headed home for a steak dinner and a large G&T. 30% and I had just settled on the sofa for an evening when the 'phone rang...

... It was TP calling to advise that he had just chipped and dislodged one of his front teeth as a result of an accident involving a beer bottle and a mate.* I eventually got to speak to an adult who advised that it was a fairly minor chip and the tooth was still reasonably straight but TP was quite shaken by the episode and it was best if we came and collected him.

We did so and then had a chat with a very nice lady at NHS Direct who gave me advise on the symptoms of concussion and advised that we should seek emergency dental treatment if the pain became unbearable or the blood flow recommenced.

It is perhaps fortunate that he has root canal treatment scheduled for this tooth next Monday, although I am guessing that there may be changes to his treatment plan after tis little mishap.

---

* Whenever TP is involved with this adolescent something ALWAYS goes wrong.

The only thing in life that is constant ...

... is change!  Well, I have to say that I am not so sure.

If you want to know what my Thursday was like please refer to yesterday's entry and replace "chicken dinner" with "steak dinner" and "contracts drafted" with "risks reviewed".

Nothing to see here

Wednesday went like this ...

... Out of bed by six thirty and morning ablutions rapidly followed. Thirty minutes later I was partaking of a healthy bowl of muesli followed by a less healthy "full English" 

By seven thirty I was crawling around the ring road and by eight I was wandering in to an office that looks more like a house after the removal men have finished. *

After eleven hours of dull and repetitive hassling to get contracts drafted I headed back to the Holiday Inn for a G&T and a chicken dinner. I then headed back to my room and collapsed on the bed...

... This is far from the most exciting assignment I have ever been given!

---

* complete with dust balls and abandoned domestic debris

Red Letter Day?

Tuesday started with a drive down the M40 to Oxford.  The sat nav optimistically informed me that I would reach my destination in an hour and a quarter. It had obviously not been programmed to take account of Oxford's rush hour and it didn't seem to have a particularly precise knowledge of the ring road either.

I eventually arrived at the client site and was escorted up to a deserted wing of the building where the team had set up camp with oddments of furniture and mismatched chairs. I kid you not when I report that I saw our Pricer attempting to use a shelving unit turned on its side as a desk...

... It's a glamorous life working in IT Outsourcing.

The day was the usual round of spreadsheets, calls and impromptu meetings. I now have a reasonable idea of what I am required to deliver ... It is the usual story of having to harry overloaded team mates for deliverables they just don't have the time to produce.

Three times this afternoon I was interrupted by calls on my mobile. They were following up on yesterday's meeting and it is patently obvious that it went very well. There are a few formalities that I need to complete but all being well this will develop in to a fantastic opportunity.

I thought the feedback had sunk in but I knew it hadn't when the waitress taking my dinner order asked how my day had been. I shrugged and pulled a face to indicate that it had been nothing special ... a brief moment passed as I gathered my thoughts and realised what a great and scary day it had actually been.

A surprisingly good day

Have you ever had a day that was expected to be an ordeal but in actuality went amazingly well?

Well today was one of those days. The morning started with a face to face meeting, so I got myself suited and booted and arrived comfortably early. I was surprised by the lack of butterflies and felt at ease as I delivered my pitch. I was rewarded with beaming smiles and positive feedback and I departed feeling that I had given a good performance.

I left and spent the remainder of the day in the office back at The Pile. It was nice to be at home for once, as the rest of the week will be spent at a client site in Oxford. I passed the time getting up to speed with the next assignment but it is fair to say that I had an easy day and an hour was found to walk T&M around the lanes.

The evening included the now regrettably regular, last minute packing of a bag. Tomorrow I will be heading down the M40 to push another rock up another hill ...

The thing is, it isn't my rock and it isn't my hill.

Weekend Round Up

After a week in London, this weekend seemed at least a day shorter than it should have been. To make matters worse next week is likely to be quite intensive too, as I have an important meeting early on Monday morning and am filling in a gap on a new project too. I could have done with three days of "me time" but instead got the standard family sized, two day weekend which had been fortified with the jobs I should have done during the week but couldn't because I was in a hotel in the Capital.

Let's start with Saturday ...

... out of the house by five to nine and a very short walk to get my haircut, Next on the list was a trip to the feed store to stock up on layers pellets* and then it was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M. I arrived back around midday just in time to greet the O&Ls who joined us for lunch and an extended afternoon of chat. It was lovely to see them all and we all had a fine time eating, restrained drinking and chewing the fat.

We had a quiet evening at home together. I did my best to think about nothing ... I may have achieved this but I cannot be sure.

Sunday arrived far too quickly and the morning was taken up by walking the dogs and preparing a PowerPoint presentation. After lunch 30% and I headed in to Worcester to pick up a couple of new shirts and then over to Jules' house to collect the remainder of the pallet wood she acquired from her workplace. It rapidly became apparent that Jules had severely underestimated the quantity of wood she had as we filled the back of the Defender and will need another trip next weekend to pick up the rest.

The rest of the afternoon was spent reviewing and refining my presentation taking frequent breaks to do anything other than what I was supposed to be doing. As a result I can report that the back of the Defender has been swept clean of sawdust and splinters and Steve has been provided with the colour code** for a 1995 Honda CBR 600 F-S ...

... did I ever say that I have a tendency to procrastinate?

---

* I used 30%'s car and once again managed to scrape the damned thing. 
**NH-1  NH1K if you are interested. This is vital to Steve if he is to match the black on the scratched fairing inspection/access panel.

Has the wind changed?

Today was as quiet as I expected, although next week will not be as I have yet another "last minute" assignment and it looks like I will be spending most of the next two or three weeks in Oxford. Yet again I am pulled from the substitute's bench to make up the numbers in a team before being sent back to watch and wait for a match where I will play both halves. It is fair to say that I am already less than enthused with being dragged from pillar to post, supporting deals about which I know nothing and in which I have no sense of ownership.

I really need to find another job.

As for today, I spent most of this morning claiming my expenses and at one point, had to construct a spreadsheet to determine VAT allocations on a less than clear hotel invoice. I suppose it is my own fault for exceeding evening meal limits. This session of accounting, photocopying and mailing was interrupted by a wander over to the local surgery for an eye test. I then returned and tidied my in-box before lunch.

Unusually 30% came home for lunch and brought along a frolleague;* Rich. We spent a pleasant hour putting the world to rights and exploring the delights of delivering network services to oil and gas suppliers.

The afternoon was quieter still and I would have said that the most significant thing was my first walk around the Three Miler for five days but late in the afternoon Idiot Manager pinged and then sent an SMS** to attract my attention. This was when he informed me about the need to be in Oxford ...

... unfortunately it will be less gleaming spires and more vehicle component manufacturing.

---

* Frolleague: portmanteau noun derived from friend and colleague
** I wasn't sat at my laptop

Clock Watching

I have two days left until I finish my current assignment and I delivered my principle piece of work yesterday. This means that I have nothing left to do and am just hanging around in case something crops up. The team are focused on finalising the Proposal and Contract Schedules for delivery to the Client tomorrow and I am there like the Teddy at a Dinner Party for 13.*

This was hammered home when we dialled in to the final review call before the price release and my name was omitted from the attendees in the room ...

... I'll get me coat!

There was no point hanging around in London and joining a commuter crammed, rush hour train so I left the Office at three thirty sharp and within an hour was heading North on the 16:22 out of Paddington. Mechanical issues caused a couple of delays but I was back in Evesham by seven o'clock and 30% appeared in the Station car park five minutes later with T&M in the back of the car.

 I was whisked home to a gin and tonic and a home cooked supper of cottage pie. I'm not kidding when I say that it beat the restaurant cooked, steak dinners and waitress service by a country mile.

Shortly after dinner Jules appeared at the back door. A large quantity of pallets had been cut up at her Employer's site and she had thoughtfully acquired this scrap timber for our wood burner. I was truly amazed at the amount of wood she had piled in to the back of her car and further delighted when she advised that she had half as much again for us to collect from her home over the weekend.

If there is one thing better than a real fire it is a real fire with free fuel.

---

* It is regarded as bad luck for thirteen to sit down to dinner together. I heard somewhere of a restaurant that has a Teddy Bear to make a sitting of fourteen should thirteen guests ever arrive for a meal.

It is all downhill from here

Wednesday, the hump in the middle of the week. Once it has passed, it is a gentle coast through to the weekend.

This is particularly true of my current assignment as today was the day of our Solution review. This is the penultimate gate our project has to pass through before we can release our price to the customer. Once this review has been completed I will have very little to do as I will be disengaging at the end of this week and moving on to pastures that will be new but, as yet, are unknown.

This has been a short-term assignment* and, as a result, I have had to define and delimit my role rather than the more usual approach which is just to get on with whatever needs doing. There is a new process for today's review  so I made it my mission to educate myself and ensure that the procedure was followed.

I can report that, after a week and half of preparation, I spent the morning scrabbling around for documentation and invoking threats upon those whose submissions were extremely  late, I finally had all of the deliverables stored in databases and the Presentation slides available for the reviewers. Unusually it was not me that needed to present to the review board so although I needed to have everything in place for the afternoon conference call I had none of the responsibility or pressure that accompanies ownership of the solution.

I therefore half-listened as the review progressed and it came as little surprise that we were given a conditional approval with half a dozen actions that we needed to complete over the next couple of days.

The rest of the working day was spent addressing those actions and I left the office a little after six and rode the Tube back to Marble Arch for another night in The Cumberland.

I will be home by this time tomorrow.

---

* three weeks

Kill them all. Now!

I've expressed my frustrations with the muddled thinking of SMIs on many previous occasions. Well, today's experience indicates that there are still virgin seams of idiocy for the lucky Prospector.

I'll use an analogy to allow me to convey today's example of lunacy. It went something like this ...

SMI           bad man, we have a major risk. Basically we don't know how fat this person is so we don't know whether they will fit on the bus.

bad man    Ok, I agree that is a risk but it is hardly a major risk as we have time to weigh them before the bus leaves and make alternative transport arrangements if necessary.

There was a pause ... then

SMI           We can reduce the risk by arranging personal transportation for the possibly chubby person now

This had me perplexed so I responded with …

bad man    How can you arrange personal transportation for the person if you don't know the size of the passenger? Surely the risk is still present and remains unmitigated?

There was another pause so I repeated my question. Eventually the SMI came back with ...

SMI           We have been given information on the passenger's weight.

bad man    If you have been given the weight of the passenger then you know whether they will fit on the bus or whether you need an alternative. There is no risk.

SMI           Yes, that’s right. I'm going to close down the risk.

I paused, took a deep breath and imagined their slow, painful death...

It may have involved lemon juice and salt!

There are checkout queues ...

... and then there are Marks and Spencer checkout queues.

This morning I climbed aboard the 6.50 Express from Evesham and headed towards the Capital for what is likely to be an intensive week. All being well it should culminate in the delivery of our Proposal to the client but I wouldn't bet next month's salary cheque on that!

At lunch time I wandered out of the office and headed down the road to a Tesco Metro store. I grabbed a sandwich and some fruit and headed towards where I expected the lengthy lunchtime checkout queue to end. For some reason the line was much longer than normal, stretching all of the way around the small store and reaching almost to the entrance.

Being a patient sort of person I thought "Fuck this for a game of soldiers", dumped my prospective purchases on a convenient shelf and headed out of the store in search of somewhere less busy.

Enjoying the Spring sunshine, after a morning in a cool drab office, I strolled down the road and walked in to M&S. I chose my lunch and, to my dismay, noticed another enormous queue. By this point hunger tempered my impatience and I stood in line. As I waited I noticed a store assistant walking the length of the queue with a tray ...

... Some genius had decided to calm potentially irritated shoppers by offering them portions of flapjack while they waited their turn to pay.

It bloody worked too.

A Sunny Sunday

I was up and about well before 30% and TP so, after breakfasting, I headed back in to the Study to continue the clearance. My first job was to take down the light fitting and pack it away. A pendant light fitting now hangs in its place and will remain there for the next few months of demolition and reconstruction. Having done that, the mahogany corner cupboard project was relocated to the garage along with the bacon slicer and other odds and ends … did I ever mention that the Study had a natural tendency to attract junk and act as spill-over area for projects?

I then persuaded 30% to assist me in the rationalisation of the contents of two cupboards. Half an hour later the Charity Shop pile was significantly larger and we had more space in which to store “keepers” from the Study.

These activities consumed the morning and, following lunch, we threw T&M in the back of the Defender and headed over to the nearby Country Estate to repeat the walk we took last week. After a splendid hour in the sun we headed home.

Wanting to make the most of the fine weather I found the flimsiest of excuses to extricate the Ducati from the garage and headed in to Redditch to pick up a strip light starter from the DIY store. I then took the twistiest roads I could find over to Bad Man Senior’s house where I stopped for a tea break and to catch up on their news.

Back at home I fixed the faulty fluorescent light in the garage and then filled the time before dinner by packing a bag for next week’s trip to London. When I say “packing a bag” what I actually mean is that I piled the clothes and sundry items I will need on the bed. For some reason I dislike packing bags and suitcases and will always leave it until the very last minute … thinking about this for a moment I realise that I am quite happy to pack a bag in a hotel room. This seems to suggest that it is not the bag pacing that I dislike but the fact that work will drag me away from home for most of the week when I would much rather be at home.

After dinner and an evening of television I eventually succumbed and placed my clothes in a bag minutes before climbing in to bed. It is an early start tomorrow as I need to be on the ten to seven train to Paddington.

House Clearance

This morning all three of us headed over to Littleton Auctions and took a wander around the lots. There were a couple of items of interest and we made a few bids on an old safe and a lovely inlaid Edwardian bedroom chair but backed out short of winning either. 30% took a liking to an old yoke and kept bidding until the hammer fell at £12. It is a really nice piece and will look great on the wall somewhere in the house.*

We loitered to see what price a mounted Stag's head went for, but baulked and left when the bidding started at £650. Apparently it was mounted by a well known Taxidermist but I am afraid that, to me, it was just a dusty Red Deer and eBay has far more exotic mounts for less than half of the opening bid.

We arrived home in time for lunch and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M as soon as we had eaten. The dogs and I have been deprived of walks this week due to work and next week will not be any better as I will be based in London until Thursday evening.

After a restorative coffee I mowed the lawn, again conscious of the fact that I am away next week and the grass will be up to my knees in a week's time. After giving the garden a token tidy up I headed back to the house and, with the assistance of 30% and TP, we made a start on clearing the Study and setting up the home office in the Hall ...

... after an hour the main items of furniture had been relocated and we could see that with some ruthless decision making the remainder of the clutter could soon be disposed of.

I must admit that I am quite looking forward to refurbishing the Study but in a corner of my mind I wonder what horrors will appear as wallpaper and plaster are removed.

---

* Once a bracket has been fabricated, as I found out later after the trial hanging.

Filling a Gap

Tuesday

After a three day weekend that was periodically interrupted by work concerns I wandered in to the Nearest Circle of Hell on Tuesday to find that my concerns were valid...

... On his last day before disappearing for a week long holiday the Lead Project Manager asked me to pull together a set of slides for a Project Review on his first day back. I made reference to some of the new processes* associated with this review and got a blank stare in return. This was the cause of my concerns as my limited recent experiences were  enough to know that the new process was a complete and utter bastard with huge amounts of checklists, artifacts and prescribed deliverables that needed to be in place before the review call.

Having given the back story let's return to Tuesday morning where I made the acquaintance of the Bid Manager responsible for arranging this review. It is fair to say that he was as knowledgeable as the Lead Project Manager so I sent him off to do some research and get the review arranged. 

I now knew what my working week would be like. I would be struggling to pull together a vast raft of materials for a solution review by a team that are beyond Germanic in their nit picking, inflexible approach to procedures. This was not going to be fun and, to make matters worse, I know very little about the solution and the team of SMIs are so busy that they don't have time to do their own work let alone help me with mine. 

There was a brief ray of sunshine in to my dark world when I discovered that  next Monday is a Bank Holiday in Ireland and the review could not take place until next Tuesday. This would allow me some time to get the Lead PM back up to speed and another 24 hours to cobble some shit together for the review.

Having gained a little clarity on how shitty my week would be, I stepped though a metaphorical door and started to look at project costs. After twenty minutes in that room I rather fancied stepping back out and getting a metaphorical Bricklayer in to brick up the door way using quick drying cement. Basically the costs are monumental and there are still more to come in. The target price is minuscule and there is unlikely to be enough time to do anything but watch a big number get even bigger.**

I am not going to have a great week and, to be honest, I don't plan to document much of it here.

Wednesday

Wednesday was another day spent at the Nearest Circle of Hell attempting to document and describe the Beast for the review. I managed to make limited headway today and wandered out of the Office at five thirty with few ticks on my to do list.

One might ask why I wasn't burning the midnight oil on this deal and you can take your pick from these options:-

a) Budgetary issues mean that I need to limit time spent working on this deal

b) Most of my deliverables will not be available until the very last minute

c) I have no skin in the game

d) I have tickets for a Box at the Palace Theatre in Redditch to see Andy Parson

e) all of the above

Thursday

I spent today working from home as I had an important 'phone call in my diary this morning. It is fair to say that a planning and communications cock up meant that I was fifteen minutes late for the call and had to be chased to dial in.

The call was OK but went nowhere near as well as I had hoped for and I have spent the past few days reliving the conversation and thinking I wish I had said ...

Bollocks!

On a more positive note; the chap who bought our old pine table on eBay finally pitched up to collect the damned thing. As a result we now have two crisp fifties in the loose change pot and the Hall is now free of furniture. This means that we can now set up the home office in the Hall and make a start on the Study refurbishment.

Friday

Oh Joy! Today I was again in the Nearest Circle of Hell for an Executive Review of the project I am baby minding. I spent ten hours solid *** listening to a rehash of the review that took place last Wednesday. I have to say that good things came out of this review but it was far too late for the observations and recommendations to be implemented effectively when we have to have everything finalised by the end of next Monday. 

I eventually shut down the laptop and headed home at around six thirty in the evening and was extremely glad of the G&T that was presented to me when I walked in to the kitchen at home.

In an attempt to make me feel like I had achieved something this week I hung up the slate notice board that I had made over the past few days.

---

* I acquired brief overview of these on the last project

** The project price has to stabilise before you can start to trim it back.

*** I left the room on five occasions and each departure was for no more than 8 minutes. Two of the trips were for beverages, one to grab a sandwich and the other were to the Gents.

Relaxing while I have the chance

There is not a huge amount to report today. I applied a couple of coats of Danish Oil to the slate/blackboard/kitchen notice board that I made yesterday and left it to dry in the garage. I'll finish it with a coat of wax, fix a slotted mirror plate on the back and it will be ready to hang in the kitchen. It hasn't been the most complicated of projects but sometimes simple things are the best.

By mid-morning I was at a loose end and 30% suggested a walk through the fields and woods on a nearby Country Estate. We threw T&M in the back of the Defender, drove over and parked by a Barn that has been converted in to a group of small commercial premises in the middle of nowhere.* We had a lovely walk in the Spring sunshine and our timing was perfect in that we arrived back at The Pile hungry and just in time for lunch.

I must admit that idleness got the better of me after the walk and the afternoon was spent watching TV and snoozing on the sofa. It was, after all, a Bank Holiday Monday and therefore almost mandatory that  I took it easy for at least part of the day.

I'm back in work tomorrow and have to admit that the weekend has been punctuated with nagging thoughts that the latest projects is nowhere near ready for the reviews that are planned over the next seven days.

---

* It comes as no surprise that the tenures of most of the businesses there are measured in months rather than years as there is little passing trade or traffic. You would need damned good reputation or web presence to stand any chance of survival at such a remote location.

Blackboards, Bikes and a Birthday

I had nothing that I needed to do this morning so I wandered out to the garage to knock up something that I had been considering for a while. Let me explain ...

... In the kitchen there hangs a rather kitsch blackboard and I bloody loathe it. I tolerate it's presence as it a very useful thing but I dislike it in almost equal measure. The reasons I dislike it are down to it's design. It is tall and narrow and consequently shopping lists become a list of abbreviations. Any Teacher will tell you that chalk tends to dictate its font size and this board is obviously designed for 24Pt text but the commonly available chalk in the UK is more like 36Pt.  As a result, in the near future I will be proposing a set of new domestic abbrevs including WUL for washing up liquid.

The other reason I cannot stand this item is that 45% of it's useful area is taken up with a naff graphic of a ginger cat. I don't like the picture. It is reasonably well executed but has not one iota of appeal to me, and consequently makes a poorly dimensioned blackboard even less useful. The final nail in the coffin of this piece is that the blackboard paint doesn't have a particularly good matt finish which means that the chalk often fails to leave a mark ...

... Here ends the case for the Prosecution.

So, as I was saying, I wandered out to the garage and found a thin 30cm square slate left over from when I tiled the kitchen floor. A diamond cutting blade in an angle grinder made light work of resizing the tile and I ended up with a 30cm x 24cm rectangle.* All I needed to do now was construct a frame. As I was fiddling with some pieces of scrap oak floor boards I noticed that the slate slotted neatly in to the groove in the edge of the boards. This was an ideal way to hold the slate within the frame and would give me a product reminiscent of a Victorian school slate.

I set to with table saw, planer and mitre saw and soon had the frame components laid out on the bench. At this point I was disturbed by 30% and I noticed two things about her arrival in the garage; firstly she had not brought me a cup of coffee and secondly she was hastily wrapped in a towel and looked mildly flustered ...

... She hurriedly advised that I needed to go and collect TP as he had experienced another catastrophic cycle failure on his way over to the Handcart & Fortified Structure. I whizzed down the road and found that one of his bike's pedals had parted company from the main crank. The bike got thrown in the back of the car and TP was dropped off at work. At this point I calculate that TP is managing no more than three cycle journeys without experiencing component failure and necessary repair! I commented that 30%'s cycle was much like herself; in great shape twenty years ago but now rapidly falling apart and demanding high maintenance.

This did not get the laugh I had hoped for!

I sloped back to the garage where I glued and clamped the frame. Then I wandered in for a spot of lunch before taking T&M for a walk. It was a glorious afternoon and, upon my return,  I couldn't resist the urge to take the Ducati out for a ride. I headed in to Redditch to pick up a pair of 14mm crank nuts to repair TP's bike and then headed over to see Bad Man Senior taking the most twisty roads I could find.

I spent a very pleasant half an hour or so with BMS, Tilly and Brother J drinking tea and catching up on their news before heading back home. I put my bike away and then spent five minutes fixing TP's bike.

With the evening rapidly approaching I was urged to get changed as 30%'s Mum and Dad were joining us for dinner. This had been arranged to celebrate 30%'s Dad's birthday which took place yesterday. Dinner was most pleasant and after parting company we settled for an evening of TV after a productive but very enjoyable Bank Holiday Sunday.

---

* I appreciate that this is not huge for a blackboard but I have ordered a chalk pen from Amazon which will allow legible shopping lists going forward.

Beer with Lunch ...

... never the best of ideas.

Today; S&H were joining us for lunch so the morning was spent ensuring that the house had a semblance of order. 30% applied herself to the food and domestic arrangements whilst I took T&M out for a walk to reduce their energy levels. This was a very sensible idea as will become apparent later.

The weather was somewhat warmer than the bitter cold we experienced yesterday and this had allowed the lawn to dry out. I took advantage and gave the grass a trim to give the garden a quick tidy too.

S&H arrived between one and two and we settled at the table for lunch and chat that filled most of the afternoon. I was on table clearing* and drinks duties and, as a consequence, served myself with quite a few glasses of premium Belgian lager. I stayed the right side of drunkenness but personal honesty  means that I have to report that I fell asleep on the sofa shortly after they left and slumbered through until eight in the evening.

It's a good job I hadn't got anything planned for the rest of the day.

---

* When 30% puts on a spread she really puts on a SPREAD! I did offer to install an extra leaf in the table to accommodate the vast array of pickles, salads and cheeses she loaded on to the table. I also enjoy her Tsunami aftermath approach to the arrangement of these morsels

Filling in the gaps

It is Friday, and the end of a week of forced learning. I suppose I had better explain what I have been up to since the Journal entries have been brief and intermittent over the past few days ...

... After Monday's trip down to Heathrow for my induction on to the latest project, I have been doing my best to get up to speed with things. The Lead Project Manager is considerably more experienced than I and has a magnificent depth of knowledge. Unfortunately his technical prowess is not matched by his scheduling ability and he is buggering off for a week's holiday next week. This week I have been expected to pick up everything that has happened over the past few months and then keep things on track for the week that he is away.

This sounds pretty straightforward but, and it is a huge BUT, upon his return I am expected to have everything ready for the Solution review so that the client can be provided with a proposal and price on Friday 7th June. Personally I think that I have climbed on to the footplate in the last few moments before a train wreck and watched the driver leap and roll down the side of the embankment. I appreciate that this is not a great analogy, as he will climb back on just before we crash in to the buffers and send up a monumental burst of splinters, steam and mangled metal, but you get the picture ... it is me that gets the grief and hassle as we charge headlong towards a review that we are nowhere near ready for.

After Monday's travel plan adjustments I took the train** down to London early on Tuesday and stayed there through until Thursday afternoon. For most of the time I have been trying to get a sense of what is going on whilst assembling Contract Schedules in my spare time. It is a bloody nightmare as it takes time to pick up the nuances and interrelationships of the facts and issues, but time is the one thing I do not have. I guess I will have to go with my standard approach of common sense responses and an occasional prayer to the Gods for good fortune ...

... I am so fucked!

Friday was spent at home in front of the laptop. Most of my day was spent developing a contract document.* I eventually escaped from the office around five o'clock and took a brisk walk around a freezing Three Miler. I was tempted to light a fire on my return but refrained when I remembered that we were out this evening to see Bill Bailey perform his Qualmpeddler tour at Warwick Arts Centre. 

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow ...

---

* I was''t required to write it, just cut and past elements in from other documentation.
** the scheduling of, and engineering staff on, this one were far superior to the situation on my metaphorical train referenced earlier in this Journal entry

While the cat is away ...

The mouse made a start on a contract schedule, and then left the office at three thirty sharp so he could make the 16.22 from Paddington.

I'll be home before seven this evening.

At the end of a long day

After eight long hours in a solution review followed by thirty minutes strap hanging to a hotel out in Stratford, East London I was looking forward to a refreshing beverage ...

I had to get a little Heath Robinson to overcome the kettle / base connectivity issue I encountered

If this is what you mean by work …

… then I have to say I don’t really like it

Monday started way too early and by twenty to seven I was climbing in to 30%’s car for a drive down the M40 towards Heathrow. Unfortunately there was no flight at the end of this trip. It just happens that the rehearsal room for the latest production just happens to be close to London’s main airport.

I arrived shortly after nine o’clock and soon found my colleague. The rest of the day was spent in a meeting room half listening to debate and conversation whilst trying to concentrate on merging two spreadsheets detailing Suppliers and Software products. After eight solid hours I had produced a beast of a spreadsheet that extended to over 2,500 lines …

… I pity the poor sods that need to review and update it.

The original plan was for me to stay overnight at Heathrow for a further day of fun tomorrow when I was to observe rehearsals for a presentation to the prospective client. However the client rescheduled the presentation session to the following week and as a result my travel and hotel plans needed a complete overhaul …

… The “plus” is that I was able to travel home this evening, the “minus” is that I will be staying in some crummy Holiday Inn in darkest East London on Wednesday and Thursday nights.

By six o’clock I had emailed the spreadsheet to a selected list of victims so I packed up my kit and headed back to the car. I wasn’t looking forward to the drive home after this morning’s two and a half hour slog along a congested M40. It was peak rush hour and I was expecting the worst. How wrong was I? After a busy few miles on the M4 and M25 I joined the M40 and it was virtually empty. Within ninety minutes I had driven one hundred miles and was walking in through the door at The Pile where I was greeted with a G&T and a list of messages …

… now which did I attend to first?

Fixing Stuff …

… or not, as the case may be.

This morning was warm and sunny and, I thought, a perfect opportunity to haul the sideboard from the garage and get it rubbed down. It was a fairly straightforward job and the timber was soon becoming silky, smooth to the touch. However the problem with sanding is that the object is scrutinised in detail and I was soon noticing further problems or areas that would become problems in the future. Basically the sideboard dates from the 1830s and is of a fairly crude construction. After nearly 200 years of use it is showing its age and it the point where it needs serious restoration* is not far off.

I probably have the skills required for the restoration but the issue is the time needed to perform the work. We also regarded this piece as a stopgap as we would both prefer an oak or mahogany sideboard that featured fewer drawers and more cupboard space. After a discussion with 30% it was agreed that we would abandon the restoration as the sideboard was now at a saleable stage. We will get it advertised over the next few weeks and continue searching for something more in keeping with the room and table.

With that project abandoned I must admit that I spent the remainder of the morning kicking my heels. After lunch 30% and I headed in to town to pick up a few necessities including food, diesel, a toilet flush handle, a replacement double socket power outlet, two bicycle tyres and a pair of replacement pedals …

… the more peculiar elements in that list defined much of the remainder of my day.

TP’s new job at the Handcart & Fortified Structure requires that he have a reliable form of transport and at present he most definitely does not. Having knackered the derailleur on his bike he has now moved on to using 30%’s Mountain Bike. This has seen little use in all of the years we have been together and was in need of a few replacement parts to assuage the effects of twenty years of neglect. I therefore spent an hour or so fitting new tyres and replacing the pedals as corrosion meant that they no longer spun freely.

I am hoping that this will mean that he will now return from work without accompanying tales of woe involving failed cycle components or loss of air from Mr Dunlop’s revolutionary pneumatic tyres. **

Having sorted out TP’s transport problems I headed back inside and hit the sofa for a snooze before performing a couple more repair jobs. I’ve already described our peculiar shopping list so you can probably work out what I was up to.

Dinner followed and then I checked the results of my eBay auctions. I am pleased to say that both items sold and  £150 will soon be nestling in my Paypal account. More importantly, the sale of the old pine dining table was key to the next stage of the house refurbishment. Once it has been collected the Hall will be furniture free. This means that I can relocate the Office in to the Hall leaving the Study ready to be gutted and re-modelled … before pictures coming soon.

The rest of the evening was spent watching television and packing in preparation for the first of next week’s two business trips.

---

* or re-purposing

** because it always falls to me to perform repairs. TP’s approach is to abandon each bike once it reaches the point of terminal failure and then move on to the next one!

Guests for Lunch

Today we had planned to have our first dinner party in the now almost complete dining room. Originally this should have taken place over the May Bank holiday weekend but busy schedules and TP's new job have resulted in dinner becoming lunch and today was finally agreed upon as the date for the get-together.

A consequence of this was that there has been much house tidying in progress over the past few days and this morning my first job was to prepare a marinade for some salmon steaks. It was a few minutes work to get half a farmed fish coated in a mixture of olive oil, garlic, rosemary, crushed chillies, sun-dried tomatoes, Worcester sauce and seasoning and it was then popped in the fridge in an attempt to give the bland, pink fish some flavour.

With my culinary contribution completed I breakfasted and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M in an attempt to wear them out before our guests arrived. By the time I got back 30% and TP had just about completed the domestic preparations and I had little to do apart from inserting a leaf in to the table in advance of luncheon.

At a little after twelve we were joined Bond, Moneypenny, Rosie and Jim and their sons. My God, Did they bring some beer with them! In a very short space of time nibbles were being nibbled and Pimms and Leffe were being quaffed. In short, after throwing pizza at the kids, we spent much of the afternoon and early evening drinking and eating our way through three courses and a cheese board.

I will confess that I needed to have a small sleep after they had gone.

Cooee, Mr Shifter *

First task of the day was to mail a copy of my CV over to 30%. Recent discussions with colleagues have highlighted a vacancy at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers which appears to be a very close match to my skills. 30% has therefore put my CV forward via the Neat & Tidy Employee referral programme to take on the role as Shifter Junior...

... If TP ever reads this in the future, I wonder if any of these cryptic, cultural references will stand the test of time or just seem peculiar. Let us hope that You Tube and Wikipedia still exist in the years ahead.

Having done that I settled down to half listen** to the Review call that would determine whether the latest solution could be priced and presented to the client. It went as well as expected and the Lead PM just needs to close out a couple of actions before he can pause, take a deep breath and gallop headlong in to the next phase of the Engagement.

The rest of the day was fairly relaxed up until the point where I had a call with another very experienced Solutioner about my role in the Musical about the Department Store. I thought I was auditioning for the role of understudy to Mrs Slocombe's Pussy but it appears that, for one week only, I will be in the spotlight performing as the Mr Grace.*** We chatted about the ins and outs of the production and it became apparent that I was required to spend much of next week in and around The Capital ...

... That is the last thing one wants to hear at half past three on a Friday afternoon as Dante's expense approval system is a disorganised fuck up that involved e-mails, pdf files and databases and once that obstacle course is completed there is the joy that is their Hotel and Travel booking system. If one then adds in the fact that there are budgetary constraints it will come as no surprise that it took several e-mails, phone calls, estimate revisions and a brief liaison with a Senior Sales Director before I could get confirmation that I was actually allowed to travel.

Is it any wonder that I am looking for alternative employment?

This evening 30% and I travelled over to Warwick to see Julian Clary in his Position Vacant, Apply Within tour. Hmmm! What can I say? Clary is a master of camp comedy and biting comments and there were brief moments of his genius but overall the show was piss-poor. The first half was short at under forty minutes in length, if the two songs were excluded, and the material was a little thin. The second half involved Clary selecting seven male members**** from the audience and performing a selection process with the aim of finding him a new husband. The show culminated with a wedding ceremony and diverse alarums. It wasn't very good. Clary was reliant on willing members of the audience to get laughs and the sequence of seven interviews and practical tests soon became repetitive. It was lazy comedy, reliant on the audience laughing at paying punters rather than Clary's talent with acerbic put down and narrative. I'm being generous with a 3 / 10.

Sorry Julian, but no warm hand on your exit this evening.

---

* I have to admit that I am probably not doing very well if I need a footnote for the title. Apologies to anyone who is a) under the age of 40 and b) doesn't hail from the British Isles as the relevance of this title will be totally lost on you. I suppose I had better attempt to explain, "Cooee, Mr Shifter" is a line from one of the most famous PG Tips Chimps series of commercials. The line is actually performed by the delightful Irene Handl and was dubbed over cleverly edited advert which showed two chimps attempting to move a piano down a flight of stairs. The punchline was, of course ...

Shifter Junior:      Dad, Do you know the piano is on my foot?

Mr Shifter:            You hum it Son, and Ill play it

** Why would I pay full attention? I disengage from the deal today and move on to yet another interim assignment.
*** I'm not even going to attempt to explain Are You Being Served? to the Junior and International readership ... sorry, look it up.
**** Was that a euphemism ?

It is nearly the weekend

There is little to report for today. Marauder is deserving of a brief entry in the Bumper Book of Crimes when I let her out in to the garden and she caught sight of a Leghorn that had absconded from the run. Energetic leaps and bounds were accompanied by air-borne feathers and startled cackling as the hen got pinned to the ground and plucking commenced ...

... Fortunately Marauder is smart enough to know that the chickens are off limits and withdrew when she heard me yell. I then had to grab her and Tyson by the collar and lead them back in to the house. Did I mention that I was hosting a Team Call at the time? ... oops!

Late in the afternoon I gave up, as my rapidly approaching disengagement has induced almost complete disinterest in this deal and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. Upon my return I dragged the Porn Mower from the garage and gave the lawn its second cut of the year. We have friends over for lunch on Saturday and it was my token attempt at making the garden look presentable.

Just don't look too closely.

Walking off the stage

The Review that was supposed to take place this morning got cancelled. It appears that, for some strange reason, the Sales Team have been understating the potential receipts from this show by 50% or more. Now the costs have been disclosed it is apparent that this is a much bigger production. Clip levels have been breached and mandated additional reviews must take place. This is a boon to the Lead Project Manager, as he was nowhere near ready for the review, and now has a couple more days to rehearse and prepare. The good thing about this is that the delay is not of his making and consequently he will not have Sales beating him up.

I spent most of today chasing for approvals and coaching the Lead PM for the next stage of this project. It is a great deal with a reasonable value and I must admit I would love to be running it. It is straightforward and relatively politics free. However I must leave at the end of the week and join another cast in another show.*

Ah well, at present my role seems to be to float from one deal to another, taking on ill-defined roles while I wait for a decent script to arrive in my in-box.

---

I apologise for the mixed metaphors

* I think it is a Musical about a Department Store. I am hoping to take the role of Mrs Slocombe's Pussy

eBay Idiots

I rarely text. It is a form of communication that has little relevance to me. I'll use it if I have to but gossip in 140 character chunks really doesn't appeal.*  Its use has to suit my purposes. There have been occasions where an SMI has been "off net" and has not responded to e-mails or phone messages. In such as situation a carefully worded text tends to grab their attention. I also use text to communicate with Tim at Moto-vation. He rarely responds to 'phone calls or answers voice mails but a text seems to get his attention.**

When I am forced to text I have to admit that I am very "old school". I use full sentences, correct grammar and punctuation. I avoid txt spk like the plague. I loathe text speak. It is a virtual manifestation of teenage grunting and the last thing I want to be exposed to or, for that matter, be expected to respond to. If TP grunts at me I ask for elaboration and reply in my usual conversational manner ... I do not lower my communicational abilities to his level and grunt in response.

At the moment I have a couple of items being auctioned on eBay so was delighted and enthralled to receive this enquiry in respect of my auction for a pine table and four chairs ...

hi hv u gt a bye it nw thanks

This grunting idiot had managed to piss me off with the use of nine words. Now I am using words in its broadest definition as, personally, I would only recognise hi, bye, it and thanks as actual words. I also need to state now that "bye" has no bloody place in that sentence. I also need to point out that I am using sentence in the broadest sense of the word, as the string of characters lacks the capital letters, punctuation and a number of key vowels and consonants that would ordinarily be needed.

I decided that the best response to this prospective bidder was to give a reply that was far closer to a pass mark in an English Language examination. I went with this ...

Good Evening [name removed to protect the fuck wit], Thank you for you inquiry but I have to reply in the negative as my preference is to let the auction run its full course.  
I wish you the best of luck if you do decide to place a bid or two.  
Kindest Regards
bad man

I was hoping that this would encourage, nay challenge, the illiterate to put a little more effort in to their scrawlings. I was sorely mistaken as, shortly afterwards I was sent the following ...

aw so enit u gt a price in mind

I took a few moments to control my ire and decided that I would be wasting my time by setting an example and moving on to direct insults*** would only result in my eBay account being blocked. There was only one thing I could do ... resort to sarcasm ...

Hello again [name removed to protect the fuck wit],  
I have to be honest and say that I would like to get enough from this auction to retire to the South of France. I estimate that £12 million should be adequate to fund that fantasy. 
However reality intrudes and I have to acknowledge that you, or anyone for that matter, is not going to bid that much for my table so, as I said in my previous message, I'll let the auction run its course and see what I get. 
 Good Luck if you decide to bid. 
Regards 
bad man

Funnily enough he has not come back to me and there are still no bids.

---

* if you are going to gossip, grab a coffee, get face to face and have a proper character assassination session. A bitchy text is half arsed at best.
** ... eventually
*** I demonstrated extreme self restraint when I didn't respond with u r a cnt

Monday Stuff

First things first, this one got accidentally left on the press overnight ...

... after several weeks of web searches and consultation of calendars and exam timetables 30% has finally decided where we are going on holiday, when we are going on holiday and flight bookings have been made. A number of destinations were considered during her research and here is a summary of what was considered and the reasons for rejection:-

• Luxor, Egypt - great destination but too hot in late June
• India - fantastic but pricey in view of plan to celebrate our 50th birthdays with a special holiday*
• Western States, USA (fly drive) - very expensive flights
• A tour of Slovakia and Austria - this sounded shite to me after the preceding options**

So after much Googling I can now advise that we will be spending ten days exploring New York and its environs later on in the Summer. All I need to do now is cancel the holiday I had booked when I thought we were going away in June.

Having rectified that omission let's move on to today. Work was the usual periods of boredom interrupted by tasks that a) didn't really interest me and b) should have been done weeks ago. I progressed them with as little effort as I thought I could get away with. I really am quite disinterested in this deal and the main reason for this is that I am not being stretched at all and do not have a proper role. I do what I can to keep things heading in the right direction but don't really have a defined role or responsibilities.

This morning both 30% and I were working at home and we were joined by Steve, an old friend, who was here to fix the massive scrape I managed to add to the bumper of 30%'s car a few weeks ago. He spent most of the morning with us restoring the scarred bumper to as new condition and then refused to take any payment for it. 30% forced eggs upon him and it was agreed that a dinner invitation would be arranged to repay him for such a great job. He also took away a scratched panel from the Honda and promised to sort that out over the next couple of weeks.***

The replacement handles for the sideboard arrived today. These were judged acceptable and were affixed during my lunch break. All we need now is some decent weather so I can drag it out of the garage and get it sanded.

As the afternoon progressed I was "pinged" by IM it looks like I am to be re-assigned to a new project for a couple of weeks. The peculiar thing about this new assignment is that I will be carrying out a different role in each of the two weeks. This will be interesting as, whilst that might work in a production line environment, I am absolutely certain that it does not translate to the development of outsourcing infrastructure solutions.

I eventually managed to escape from the desk shortly after four o'clock and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. The weather is unseasonably cold and we got caught in a shower. As a result we returned home soggy and a fire got lit to add some cheer to a chilly evening.

Normally my recount today's activities would dwindle at this point but I am responsible for the care of VI's livestock so headed off down the village to shut up coops and collect eggs.

I'll cover my experiences with eBay idiots tomorrow.

---

* and the funding of TP's Exchange Trip to Zambia
** I have subsequently been advised that it is very nice out there but I am yet to be convinced
*** The back story to this dates back nine years to when 30% and I were in the process of moving in to The Pile. I was about to ride the Honda from 30%'s house to our new home and she got dropped at a standstill on a gravel drive.**** I managed to find a brand new replacement fairing half on eBay but never managed to find the removable inspection panel. Hence this one panel has always carried these scars.
**** note to self: NEVER move a bike when I am hypoglycemic

Come and fetch me

Sunday dawned cool but dry and I started my day with my usual routine. Chickens were fed and let out then coffee was made and drank whilst I sat and wrote yesterday's Journal entry. I then wandered out to the garage to reaffix the sideboard door after yesterday morning's repair session.

I hadn't been out there long before a pyjama'd 30% appeared in the doorway, wondering what I was up to ...

... This morning's primary activity was to nip over to Cheltenham to collect the Ducati and by ten o'clock I clambered in to 30%'s car with helmet, gloves, jacket and chequebook.* After a quick whizz down the M5 and a race up Birdlip Hill we dropped down in to the outskirts of Cheltenham and pulled in to the small and slightly scruffy, industrial units that are home to Moto-vation. My bike was sat ready to be collected. Her paintwork was gleaming and she chirruped** every few minutes as if to say come on, lets go. I passed the time with Tim, paid a very acceptable invoice and then fired her up and threw my leg over her.

After a quick blast up through Leckhampton and down the other side of the hill I spent the next fifteen minutes carving through traffic on the motorway, before taking the Worcester exit and enjoying a few miles of curving A roads back to The Pile. I have made an informal resolution to use my bikes as much as possible this Summer and I really hope that the weather allows me and the Ducati to get better acquainted.

I arrived back home in time for lunch and headed out shortly afterwards for a walk with T&M. As forecast, rain started about twenty minutes in to my walk and towels were needed to dry off the dogs when we returned home after an hour in the nearby lanes.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pottering and significant activities included clipping T&Ms' faces and advertising the old dining table on eBay. In the early evening another fire got lit just in time for TP's return from his first day of work at the pub. He was knackered after five hours of washing up but seemed to enjoy it and will be back there next Saturday for his next shift. I did need to point out that he is not yet management and, as a result, he does not get a valet parking service ...

... in other words; he still has to put his bike away when he gets home!

---

* He doesn't take cards as I found out last year when I attempted to pay for the engine re-paint. Fortunately he is a trusting chap and I was able to whisk her away and drop a cheque in the post the next day.
** the alarm was in workshop mode.

Sideboard repairs

It wasn't exactly a Spring Day today. There was a cold wind and a grey sky with very few breaks in the clouds, add in showers of rain and there was little to encourage me to spend much time outside. It came as a relief to find that the Ducati would not be ready for collection until tomorrow morning when, hopefully the weather will have improved somewhat.

It was one of those rare days when I didn't have anything particularly significant planned, especially now that collection of my bike was off the list, so I wandered out to the garage in search of something to occupy me. I have to admit that, having spent a fair amount of effort clearing the garage over the past few weeks, it is now a guilty pleasure to spend time in there. I have a huge amount of bench and floor space and my tools can now be reached without having to squeeze past or clamber over the clutter that had accumulated. As a result, even though it was quite chilly in there this morning, it is now enjoyable to work in there.

There are still a couple of areas in the garage that require attention. One of these is occupied by TP's bike. The derailleur needs replacing and he has abandoned it, using 30%'s Mountain Bike instead. He has been warned that it needs to be repaired or it will be scrapped. The other area of garage that needs to be cleared is currently home to an eighteenth century,  pine sideboard. This is destined to live in the dining room* but it needs some mild restoration beforehand.

Over the past week I have replaced a worn out rear leg and this morning I made a start on the drawers. These are in great condition apart from the handles. The sideboard originally had turned wooden handles that have long since been lost leaving a 5/8" diameter hole in the front of each drawer. These holes were partially obscured by some replacement brass handles but these too, are at the end of their working life and only two of five remain functional. I have ordered a set of antiqued brass replacements and, while I wait for them to arrive, I made a start on filling the holes in the drawer fronts left when the original handles fell apart. This involved cutting 5/8" diameter cylinders of pine and these were glued in to the holes. After sanding and waxing they will be barely noticeable once the new handles are in place.

That activity filled my morning and in the afternoon I headed out for a walk with T&M. I only encountered one shower and we arrived home damp rather than soaked. The rest of the afternoon was very lazy and the only activity anywhere near worthy of mention was that I advertised TP's motorcycle leathers on eBay. He has sadly outgrown then as they were, by his own admission, cool.

As the evening drew in a fire was lit to insert a little comfort and cheer in to what had been quite a stern, grey day.

---

* until 30% finds a mahogany one she we likes

A day in the home office

One good thing about working in the Nearest Circle of Hell is that periods of boredom can be filled by wandering off for a chat. I did not have that ability today and was chained to the laptop with little to do. My sentence lasted until four o'clock when I hosted a preliminary review call for the latest deal ...

... Hmmm! I think it fair to say that the Lead Project Manager needs to polish his Delivery Style very quickly if he wants to have a successful call next Wednesday. I remember my first one and it was neither fun nor an award winning performance but I got through it and am trying to give my colleague a few hints and tips. The problem is that he loves the technical side of the work and the delivery of a beautifully assembled cost model but he needs to develop his management skill set in order that he can deliver a concise and authoritative presentation that reassures the reviewers that he is in charge, knows what he is doing and is believable.  At the moment he is a ditherer who takes the discussion down metaphorical rabbit holes at every opportunity.

After thirty minutes the call ended and my weekend officially started.

Tough Love

For most of this week I have been working alongside Judge Dread* in an attempt to get this wobbly wagon running smoothly. There is nothing particularly scary about the solution but the team structure and management is all a bit flaky and, as a result, there are some considerable challenges to overcome if they are to be ready for their major review next Wednesday.

After several days of subtle suggestion and delivery of informal coaching we have run out of time and patience. As a result the theme for today was delivery of blunt consequential messages along the lines of stop doing "x" and start doing "y" or you will fail. The Lead Solutioner is a nice guy who wants to get everything just so but, and Judge Dread puts it quite succinctly, he needs to find his inner bastard and start telling people what he fucking wants and when he fucking wants it!

His main problems are inexperience and a poorly selected team where the main SMI is wholly inappropriately skilled. As a result he has been concentrating on technical and ignoring the management parts of his job title. Today we have attempted to pull him up from the technical depths and get him to concentrate on the route through to a successful review rather than development of a polished cost model.

After a day of coaching that was definitely used some of the skills I have picked up as the father of a sixteen year old boy I headed home and took T&M out for a walk. I could not believe how cold and windy it was after the glorious sunshine of Tuesday evening.

I was half tempted to light a fire when I got home.

---

* JD is an ex-solutioner who now assesses the "Deliverability" of our solutions. He isn't too bad provided one is aware of the following; firstly, he wasn't that great as a solutioner and never worked on anything particularly huge and secondly don't trust him, especially when you can't see him ... he likes to have little conversations behind closed doors

Sometimes you need to take charge

Rain stopped play today and, due to parking arrangements, I was encouraged to use 30%'s car to travel in to work this morning.

There is not a lot to report on the working day. I had a call about the status of the deal that occupied much of my time from October through until early April this year. Reading between the lines I think that one is dead in the water and will not require any attention for twelve months or more. Back to the current engagement, today's problem to overcome was that the Sales team had made a few promises about scope that had only come to light in the past twenty four hours ...

... the problem is that the Lead Project Manager needs to finalise every thing by Friday afternoon in preparation for a major review next Wednesday. I wandered in to a meeting covering this additional scope and listened to the Sales Exec talk about Revenue Streams and the Lead PM plead for information that he would never get. After five minutes I thought I understood the problem so left the meeting room in search of a whiteboard marker ...

... upon my return I put on a mildly bossy persona and threw up a quick diagram / graph on the board. The audience gave a series of nods so I summarised by telling them to sod off and model a simple bubble of costs with sufficient stated assumptions to cover their collective arses. "but, but, but ... ?" came the response from the PM so I pointed out that with two days to go he had no option but to follow this very simple approach. He is a good PM but is focussing on detail and having everything just right rather than being endpoint orientated and knowing that some times being in the queue outside the ball park is close enough.

The bulk of the day was spent in in a solution review which allowed me to get thoroughly acquainted with current affairs via the BBC News website.

I eventually arrived home at around six o'clock having already decided that there would be no evening walk due to a threatening sky and drizzle. Instead I wandered out to the garage and fixed the replacement leg to the sideboard before returning to the house for dinner.

As we settled down for the evening VI appeared on the doorstep and joined us for an hour or so. The main reason for his visit was to ask me to look after his chickens and pigeons when he is on holiday next week. I agreed to pop down on Friday evening to be given an overview of Poultry Husbandry Village Idiot style.