Fortunately it was a slow day

Both TP and I had dental appointments this afternoon. The timing of these meant that much of the afternoon would be spent in sunny Bromsgrove either reading a magazine or attempting to force my body through the molecular structure of the chair in an attempt to escape the de-scaler ... I'm not a huge fan of the dentist.

In view of this enforced sojourn in a dental waiting room, I did my best to make good use of the time by dropping off my wheel rim and tyre up at MP Trading prior to the appointments. The tyre was fitted and balanced while we took turns in the dental chair and was collected before we drove home. It seems like I have been to the dentist every week for the past month following TP' s unfortunate accident with a beer bottle but I can now report that his treatment plan has been completed and, for once, my check up revealed no need for any additional work.

By the time I arrived home I had spent the entire afternoon away from my desk but fortunately it didn't look like I had been missed. I fitted the spare wheel back on the car and then headed out for a walk with T&M. Moving on to the subject of dogs, I can report that 30% has been repeatedly visiting a Poodle Rescue website recently as a young, cream dog has caught her eye. She finally bit the bullet this afternoon and rang the contact number ...

... after a long chat we have forms to complete and return to ascertain our suitability. We also need to know whether this lad is suitable for us, particularly in view of the fact that we have 1.8 cats* in residence.

30% asked why a ten month old dog was up for adoption and was advised that he had been previously owned by a couple with three children under four years old. He had not been given the attention or investment of time that he deserved and the family had now realised their mistake in acquiring a large energetic and excitable dog that needs daily exercise and regular grooming. Apparently the poor lad doesn't even know his own name.

This seems to be a case of someone having more money than sense.

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* if you are new to The Journal I will point out that Eddy** lost a hind leg and his tail as a result of a car accident five years ago hence he has been measured and judged 0.8 of a cat.
** Eddy percent ... just say it out loud.

A sunny day in a deckchair ... not!

First real task of the morning was to drive over to the Rugby Club and collect TP after a night under canvass with beer. He was surprisingly chipper due to a very sensible, self imposed abstinence and  seemed ready for his dish washing shift at the Hand Cart and Fortified Structure this afternoon.

Back at home I headed in to the garage to add the finishing touches to Helen's gate-cum-wicket. Having finished that I wandered in to the study where I decided that it was far too hot to fire up the wall paper stripper. I consequently decided to make a start on the far more relaxing task of demolishing the fireplace and ripping out the built in cupboard in the study. After a sweaty, dusty couple of hours the cupboard components were leant against one wall and the fireplace was now a pile of bricks on the hearth. The red mist of demolition had obviously descended as the picture rails were then torn from the walls and chucked on top of the heap of debris. Delighted by this scene of carnage I retired to the garden with a long, cool drink to plan the logistics of a tip run next weekend.

Lunch followed and then 30% and I headed over to pay another visit to Bad Man Senior and Step Mum Sue. The purpose of this visit was to raid their neighbour's bonfire for the huge quantity of firewood that was destined to burn in the open air rather than in a fireplace. We tutted about this lunacy and within half an hour had a decent pile of firewood cached in BMS's garden. Tea and birthday cake were then consumed before we liberated a few lengths of oak from BMS's garage for my garden bench project.

At home once more, we sunned ourselves in the garden before attending to poultry and dogs. The former have red mite and their coop needed spraying with insecticide, the latter needed and seemed to enjoy a cool bath ...

... I had quite forgotten that Tyson is black as opposed to a dark, dusty grey.

A full day

This morning started with an early walk around the Three Miler with T&M. I was back at home before ten o'clock but the day was very warm already. My return coincided with 30%'s departure for a  visit to the supermarket and I looked for something to occupy me...

... I clambered around behind the garage and eased a dozen or more lengths of pallet wood from the stack. The plan was to use these to fabricate a garden gate to be used as part of the decorations at Helen and Steve's wedding reception. I must admit that I was concerned as to whether my thoughts and ideas aligned with Helen's as her design brief was, for want of a better word, brief.

With the wood sorted I headed inside, praying for creative inspiration, and wandered in to the study where I started to gather up the tatters of wall paper from the floor. It was possible that I had fallen foul of the spirits of procrastination. After half clearing the floor I noticed that the morning was rapidly disappearing so encouraged TP to get his act together and prepare himself for the demonstration of Touch Rugby at a nearby Carnival. The way time was moving on combined with 30%'s continued absence suggested that when she did arrive there was going to be some frantic activity and TP did not want to be the cause of further delay.

30% eventually arrived, laden with shopping and things were calmer that I expected. She set about assembling an early lunch while I whisked TP off to the Carnival for the aforementioned rugby demo. I returned, lunched and then we headed over to see BMS and SMS for today was SMS's birthday.

We had a lovely time catching up on each others news and also making sure BMS was well after the minor procedure he underwent yesterday at a local hospital. Any time spent with BMS and SMS does tend to be enjoyably random. Today was no different and we ended up at their neighbour's house gathering up lengths of timber left over from a recent garage construction. BMS wants to use them to construct a new garden gate and I was recruited to construct a functional gate at some point in the near future. BMS also kindly offered several lengths of oak that will be perfect to form the seat and back for the garden bench project that has recently been started after a twenty year slumber.

As we were about to leave my mobile 'phone rang. It was TP calling to advise that the Rugby Demo had not taken place and that he had walked home where he was sat in the garden without a door key. We bade our farewells to BMS and SMS and headed home.

With a good chunk of the afternoon still available I knuckled down and assembled Helen's decorative gate feature. I was still rather concerned as I wanted it to be just right. To allay these worries I emailed over a couple of photos with a three word title; "Yes or No?". The email was followed up with a 'phone call and was relieved that both Steve and Helen though it was just the job ... phew!

The day ended with a trip over to the Rugby Club for the team's summer barbeque. We had a splendid time chatting, drinking and eating whilst the lads played enthusiastic games on the pitches as the heat of the day waned.

God knows what state TP will be in when I collect him tomorrow morning ... he is camping out at the club and the tent is full of booze!

Refreshing News

I wandered down stairs this morning and heard a graunching noise coming from my laptop's cooling fan. It didn't sound too healthy. This unit has had a noisy fan since I  first received it over three years ago and has, on occasion, displayed a FAN ERROR message instead of booting up. Today I did what I had done on so many previous occasions and restarted my laptop ...

... Hmmm! FAN ERROR. I tried to restart a few more times and on each occasion it made horrible noises and displayed its succinct yet despondent FAN ERROR complaint. I even tried giving it a sharp thumb in the area of the fan in an attempt to dislodge any obstructions but all that did was add the ejection of a huge cloud of dust to the abortive start up sequence. I believe the technical term for the laptop is fucked.

I then had the joys of talking to Dante's high quality help desk in India where a very pleasant young man listened to my assessment of the problem, put me on hold for two minutes and then asked totally irrelevant questions along the lines of "what happens when you enter your password?" I refrained from swearing at him but did point out in no uncertain terms that the laptop required engineer assistance as start up was aborted well before any password screen. The dullard eventually got the message. I got a ticket number and I set about doing my best to carry out my working day with an i-Phone that has no network signal.

After a short while an Engineer phoned and I arranged to nip in to the Nearest Circle of Hell to let him give a professional assessment of the laptop. To cut a long story short he avoided using the word fucked on the problem ticket and instead went with Beyond Economic Repair. I now have a loan unit containing my hard disk and have started the process of ordering a brand new laptop all the way from that pinnacle of quality goods and engineering ... China.*

As the working day was drawing to a close** I wandered in to the kitchen in time to see a silver pickup park up outside The Pile. The driver climbed from the cab and I recognised him as Andy the Powder Coating acquaintance. He had completed the coating of the Defender spare wheel and the bench ends and was offering a personal delivery service in to the bargain. I have to say that I am truly amazed by the quality of the job. The wheel is immaculate and the bench ends are a glistening white and show a level of detail in the cast iron that is fantastic. I asked him what I owed him and he pondered for a moment before sheepishly asking if forty quid was OK. I was astounded and would have happily paid twice that for the job. He seemed pretty pleased too when I nipped back in to the house and raided 30%'s purse so he was paid on the spot.

All I need to do now if find a tyre fitter and some lengths of oak.

---

* This may turn out to be somewhat ironic but let's just wait and see.
** Remember that a) this is Friday and b) I work at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell so the day tends to start drawing to a close pretty soon after elevenses and certainly by four in the afternoon which is regarded as a late one!

Bad Man takes a slow, steamy strip - LOOK AWAY NOW!

After another working day of confusion, waffle and misdirection I abandoned the laptop and headed back in to the study to continue stripping wall paper. It might seem that this job is taking much longer than it should but I am in no rush to complete this task as I have not yet arranged for a skip to be delivered. There is no point pulling down the ceiling without a skip so I would abandon this Journal now if you don't want me to recount tales of a long leisurely strip ...

 ... The weather is also incredibly hot and filling a room with steam makes it a job that is best performed in short bursts with regular breaks for beer or gin and tonic.

Whilst on the subject of breaks I had a welcome interruption from my study-cum-steam room endeavours when I received a call from Helen to advise that she and Steve would be paying us a visit on Sunday week. The purpose of the visit is to attend to the recently acquired scrape on the fairing of the Ducati but I hope that we get some time for socialising too.

Helen has asked me to construct a non-functional garden gate, that will be used at their forthcoming wedding where it will form a structure to support a floral display. I plan to have this completed for their visit ...

... I hope I don't let her down.

Catching up

There is not a huge amount to report from the past couple of days. The main work activity on Tuesday was to develop an estimate of the budget required to fund the team that will be needed to develop the latest solution.

Once I had exited the virtual office I powered up the steam stripper and spent a happy hour in the study removing ancient wood chip wall paper from the walls. The walls themselves are in reasonable condition considering the age of the plaster work but the colour is a rather unpleasant shade best described as "I shouldn't have had that curry" brown. The plan is to have them skimmed with a new coat of plaster but that is a way off and there is much work to be done before Andy & Steve appear with floats in hand.

My plan of action is to get the walls stripped of paper and then identify a free weekend when TP and I can pull down the ceiling. It will then be a simple matter of getting a skip ordered and we can "get medieval" on the ceiling and fireplace. I will then have a blank canvas and can start on simple tasks like rewiring and complicated tasks like the worrying damp patches on one of the walls ...

... I am guessing that Chippy Ian will be called upon to give advice and professional services quotations!

Moving on to Wednesday; this was a day that started much earlier that I would have liked. I crammed myself in to a suit and was sat in the car by quarter past six in the morning. I than had a dreary drive down an overloaded M40 to spend four hours in meetings discussing "next steps" with the latest client.

The meetings were reasonable and the Sales Exec on this engagement is human enough to acknowledge the duration of my journey home and consequently told me to sod off around four o'clock in the afternoon. This meant that I was home by six and able to enjoy a pleasant evening at home with 30% and TP.

To fail to prepare ...

... is to prepare to fail. Benjamin Franklin put it so succinctly when he stated the need for organisation and planning if one was to succeed in an endeavour. My initial thoughts on the latest assignment is that they have certainly been busy doing "stuff" but there are some fundamental preparatory items that just haven't been developed. I should point out that "they" are the embryonic Engagement Team and they have been in place for a time period measured in months rather than weeks or days.

I have only been assigned a couple of days and I have already drafted a solution responsibility matrix which identifies which of the globally dispersed individuals will be responsible for which solution elements. This is fundamental if there are to be no gaps or overlaps in our final deliverable. Today I was presented with a worrying request. I was asked to review the budget for the development of the solution. With the current level of planning this is like walking up to a man on the street and saying "how much is a car?". It is a question that cannot be answered without parameters that define the requirement. At present there is no information on when the client will provide us with requirements and the date we are proposing to deliver a price seems to move in and out with the tide! There was no way that I could comment on a budget without a bid plan that identifies the key milestones and phases of this engagement. Did one exist? ... Did it Fuck!

So you can guess what I pulled together yesterday afternoon.

I could continue this diatribe with tales of hour long calls with no agendas or actions but I am trying to be positive and make firm but gentle recommendations that will put the team on the right track. I just hope that I can get off at the next station.*

Putting work to one side, I had a slightly more successful day. I managed to combine taking TP to the dentist with collection of a replacement spare wheel from Mark at MP Trading. This lingered in the back of the car for a couple of hours before I took it down the village and dropped it off with Andy who will sort out the media blasting and powder coating. I also took the two Victorian cast iron bench ends that I have had in my possession for the best part of twenty years after finding them in the back of a shed in a house I bought. They have a twisted ivy element to their design and will look fantastic once they have been cleaned up and painted but it is fair to say that twenty years is a long time for a project to be on hold.

I hope it doesn't take me another twenty years to get the timber for the seat or, for that matter, get the tyre fitted to my replacement spare wheel.

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* or failing that,leap from the Guard's Van and tumble, limbs flailing, down an embankment

Ninety six square feet

Perhaps a slightly random title but an explanation will be forthcoming, Let me explain ...

... I'll quickly race through the supermarket visit, lawn mowing and dog walking and arrive breathless and glistening at Sunday's principal achievement. I finally cleared the dregs from the study and laid the protective hardboard sheets in preparation for pulling down the ceiling and taking out the fireplace.*

Let's paint the picture rail apart from the bit behind the curtains

Charming reconstituted stone fireplace.

note 2'6" of unpainted skirting board

I appreciate that it looks grim and has a truly tasteless fireplace-cum-wall unit that takes up one complete wall but it is a lovely room to work in. Being on the ground floor it is close enough to family life but it is in a quiet corner of the house and the door can be closed to shut out domestic distractions. We plan to install a small log burner in the fireplace so the room will be toasty in winter without the need to run the central heating throughout the day. All in all it has the potential to be a lovely room to work in, I just need to spend a few months sorting it out.

Finally, it took three 8' x 4' sheets of hardboard to cover the floor so I know that the study has a floor area of ninety six square feet.**

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* not to mention rectification of the dreadful surface mounted electrics
** it is actually 108 square feet (9' x 12') but the fireplace and cupboard weren't included in my calcs.

A sunny Saturday

First order of business this morning was to clamber in to the Defender and head out to collect TP from his after Prom party. Unusually for TP, he was ready and waiting outside the venue with four friends. They were all sprawled on the ground soaking up the early morning sun and looked suitably dishevelled after what I am guessing was a very late night with more beer that was wise.

Half an hour later I had dropped them off at their respective residences and was back at The Pile for a quick cup of coffee. I then collected 30% and we headed over to Evesham where we dropped off our oil painting at the picture framer and then headed over to the DIY store for some 8 x 4 sheets of hardboard that will be laid down over the office floor to form a temporary protective cover for the original elm floorboards when the ceiling is pulled down.

It was then time for lunch followed by a spot of DIY as I hung the oak framed mirror in the kitchen and then recruited TP to help unload bales of shavings and sheets of hardboard from the Land Rover. The weather today was amazing and I left my walk with T&M as late as possible but the Three Miler was still sweltering as we completed the loop in the later afternoon sun.

The reason I could not delay their walk any later was because 30% and I spent a delightful evening with S&H sat around a table in their garden, telling tales, exchanging news, eating some great food and, in the case of S and myself, drinking beer and gin. We had a lovely time and I must admit that I fell in to an alcohol induced snooze on the car journey home.

An unusual conveyance in to the weekend

I find myself at the end of the working week and have to be honest; reporting that I have done my best to avoid hard work over the past couple of days. It can't be just me that thinks that Thursday or Friday are the worst days of the week to start a new endeavour. New assignments should start at the beginning of the week, not half way through when one is already mentally preparing to stop working  and embrace the weekend ...

... well that is the way  my mind works so I have done very little on the latest project since my "official" start on Thursday. I have explored the scope, both in terms of service and geography, and have pondered its apparent deficiencies and what needs to be done to get things heading in the right direction. I don't think that's too bad having had less than forty eight hours exposure to the beast but I haven't raised a sweat yet.

This morning I finished the oak framed mirror that I started last Sunday. A coat of wax polish was applied to the frame and I then inserted the mirror glass and backing board and pinned it all in place. It was a case of perfect timing as it is the day of TP's School Prom* and he found a 4' x 1' dressing mirror ideal for checking out his outfit of tail coat, dress shirt and bow tie before I dropped him at a friend's house for pre-Prom beers.

With TP away partying 30% and I headed over to the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers** Summer Family Evening. Every year her employer arranges a fair for employees and their families and a local outdoor space will be filled with Marquees, fairground rides and stalls, a hog roast and ice cream stall and all is supplied free of charge. It is amazing when compared to Dante's Nine Circles of Hell which appears miserly by comparison.

We had a lovely time wandering around, talking to friends and acquaintances, munching on the free buffet and taking in the sights. A hands on display of exotic pets was a real hit with the children and I must admit both 30% and I were quite taken with the pythons and the coati mundi. I also experienced a new form of transport when I had a trial ride on a Segway. These are the bizarre two wheeled platforms that  looks like they should have no inherent stability. It was an amusing diversion and I soon became accustomed to the basic principles of propelling the device around a course. However I have to report that a) I felt that the helmet and high-vis vest were totally unnecessary and b) I can see why these are rarely encountered in the real world ... it is an expensive gadget at best.

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* Yes, I know it is a dreadful Americanism and School Disco is the British equivalent
** This is an alias

A plan comes together ...

I knew from the moment that I saw the space where my spare wheel used to be that I was never going to get it returned so there was no point letting it ruin my day. I just needed to accept it and sort it out in the most economic way possible. I didn't want to claim against my car insurance as that would negate my no claims bonus so it was a case of how do I get a genuine Land Rover deep dish alloy and tyre for the lowest possible cost* ...

...My first call was made to Mark at MP Trading and he commiserated and advised that he had a scruffy OEM deep dish alloy on a Defender he was breaking. He advised that I could have it for somewhere around £30 but I would need to have it shot blasted and powder coated and I would also need a tire. I accepted the quote and asked him to remove the best of the wheels. As we discussed options for rubber, powder coating and collection another cosmic tumbler dropped in to place when I realised that I would be barely a mile from Mark's workshop next Monday when I take TP to the dentist.

With the wheel rim reserved I now needed a tyre and that was simple. Tucked away in the front cellar I have a pile of tyres that were fitted to my alloys when I bought them a few years ago. Most of the tyres are reasonable at best but the spare was unused. A quick inspection confirmed that it was the correct size and whilst it is not the same manufacturer or tread pattern as those on the Defender it is more than adequate as a spare.

 Next on the list was to arrange the refurbishment of the rim and that is where one of my dog walking acquaintances becomes relevant. Jazz's owner; Andy runs a powder coating business and I have previously discussed getting a couple of items refinished by him but have never got around to it. The need for a spare wheel was the metaphorical kick up the arse I needed to get in touch and put a bit of business his way. Yet another cosmic tumbler dropped in to place as I bumped in to him whilst I was walking T&M this afternoon. A quick chat confirmed that he was more than happy to take on the work and I arranged to drop the rim at his house early next week.

I then purchased some replacement wheel nuts and this was done on-line and set me back £27, including postage. Mindful of the theft, one of the nuts is a locking wheel nut of the same type as is fitted to the rest of the car. Hopefully this will prevent another automotive violation!

All that is left to do is to assemble these components at some point later next week and I should be back to normal and only about £100 lighter in the wallet.

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*  The cost of an OEM wheel rim is circa £230 and a BF Goodrich All Terrain 235 x 85 is going to add a further £140. When I start adding in wheel nuts too I am easily going to hit £400.

Other Stuff

Today was my first walk out with T&M since Tyson ripped her claw. We had a gentle stroll around the Three Miler and all seems well.

I also made a start on my latest work assignment. It is another contract renegotiation and I spent much of today with a 'phone glued to my ear attempting to understand the scope and work out what needs to be done to get this beast moving forward. It also reminded me of how small this industry is when I learnt that I would be working with a couple of colleagues I last served time with more than five years ago.

It is a Global deal with a limited range of services and it will be led from the UK. It is an interesting opportunity and, for once, I have been brought in early enough to allow it to be managed effectively although my holiday plans may clash with the first client deliverable.

Not Happy

For the past three days I have been trundling in to the Nearest Circle of Hell to attend a training course covering Dante's Lamborghini of a cost modelling tool. It was very informative and the trainer was his usual self right down to the selection of personal photographs that interspersed his lecture slides, the irreverent narrative, the borderline xenophobia and even the rhino patterned tie made an appearance. He is most definitely one of a kind and I have a soft spot for him and his eccentricities.

The last day ended and I wandered out to the car park.  As I walked around the back of the Defender to throw my laptop in the rear I noticed that things were not as they should be ...

... some f***ing c*** had stolen the spare wheel off the mount on the back door. I subsequently spent a further forty five minutes going through the formalities of reporting the crime to both site security and police knowing that there was no real chance of ever catching the thieving arse hole and  recovering my wheel.

I'm not having a good week with my vehicles.

Ouch!

For some reason it seemed that most of Sunday morning was taken up by walking Marauder around the Three Miler. I am guessing that a combination of getting up later than usual, dropping TP off at the Rugby Club for fitness training and then taking a walk that might have included a few conversational halts were the main reasons why there seemed to be less of the morning than I expected.

As M and I wandered back to the The Pile we saw 30% heading off to collect TP and within twenty minutes she was back and making lunch.

After lunch I decided to haul the Ducati from the garage and take her out for a spin ... I wish I hadn't. I warmed her up and let her roll to the bottom of the drive where I waited for a gap in the traffic.  The nearby policeman with a speed gun meant that I was far less enthusiastic with the throttle when the traffic thinned and I stupidly stalled the bike. She toppled over at a virtual standstill and I now have a nice little scuff on the fairing lower ... I hope Steve can get an accurate colour match for Ducati model year 2000 yellow!

I did take a brief ride out but my heart wasn't in it and, after taking a tea break with BMS and SMS, I headed home and tucked her up in the garage. Whilst there my eyes fell upon the large pine framed mirror that we won at yesterday's auction and I started to root around for some new frame materials ... Before I knew it I was being called in for dinner and the sections of a fine oak frame were laid out on the bench ...

... After dinner I wasn't particularly taken with TP and 30%'s choice of television so I headed out and glued and clamped the frame.

Art

30% and I have quite different tastes in decorative art and, as a result of these artistic differences, do not have many pictures hanging on the walls of the The Pile. We have a few framed photographs of Tyson & Marauder and several of my "antique" mirrors that I throw together from time to time but very little art. In the spare room that is forever known as the purple bedroom* there is a stack of framed art but not one has been deemed worthy and made it on to the walls.

I like traditional oils and water colours whilst 30%'s tastes lie in a much more modern and much more commercial vein. We are generally poles apart but yesterday in the auction rooms a couple of cosmic cogs enmeshed as we stumbled upon a small unframed canvas. It was a very old and beautifully executed scene of two farmers scything hay in a meadow. We both liked it and after we had got over the amazement a commission bid was placed.

I drove over to the auction this morning to see whether we had been successful and was delighted to find that we had won the oil painting and a number of other items including some repro Staffordshire flat backs and a large bevelled mirror. It looks like we will be off to find a decent picture framer next weekend.

The remainder of the day was filled with normal domesticity. Marauder was walked and the lawn was mown. The Office project was also given a little attention as further items were cleared. It is a truism that there is nothing like an empty space for attracting junk and this virtually cleared room had already started to reaccumulate domestic items. I returned tools to the garage along with the two curtain rails that will be hung once the room is finished. I also disposed of the bin bag of hair following my use of the space as a grooming salon last weekend. There is still a random assortment of items that 30% refuses to let us touch but seems strangely reluctant to address either ... if she is not careful I will declare a statute of limitations on these and take matters in to my own hands. I also made enquiries about a replacement ledge and brace door and a very nice gentleman called Graham is going to get back to me with a quote in the next couple of days.

As for the room clearance, can anyone suggest where I should put the stuffed boars head?

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* When we bought The Pile this box room was painted a deep purple and for several weeks when we remodelled the house two of the exterior walls, ceiling and roof were removed which meant that it was on display to every passer by. Our Builders used to use it as a land mark when ordering supplies ... "is it easy to find?" .... " Oh yes, just look for the purple wall and the radiator in the air"

Encapsulate this in a few words ... I can't

I suspect that if I asked someone to picture the end of a race they would envisage an athlete, with their head held high, thrusting their chest forward in to the tape that marks the finish line. That is not exactly how my "race" finished today ...

... for the past couple of weeks I have been coordinating the completion of a set of third party contracts and documents of understanding that all needed to be in place such that the main Agreement with the client could be signed this morning. This job has been a Royal pain in the arse. The Specialist Procurement personnel have been out of the office more than they have been in it, both of them seem somewhat less than motivated and most definitely lacking in any project management ability. The signing of the main Agreement was deferred by a week so they even had more time but they still managed to make a complete and utter pig's ear of things and we arrived at our deadline with barely sufficient documentation to satisfy the Daemons that these sub-contracts were in place. The ink was still wet on some of them and, if I am honest, other associated documents remain to be agreed and signed.

So let us review our imaginary Olympian with hair streaming behind them and replace that image with a decrepit octogenarian collapsing ahead of the line and, with breath rattling from their failing lungs, pulling themselves by their finger tips to the finish.

It is fair to say that I like to take a pride in my work and I leave this assignment with a self assessment of adequate and when I say adequate it should probably be accompanied by the adverb barely.

Moving on to Life rather than Work, today's moment of humour came when I took Tyson back to the Vet as her torn claw is troubling her and has bled on a couple of occasions. The Vet suggested sedating her so that the claw could be removed and I agreed that this was the best course of action. He asked whether she had eaten anything this morning as the light anaesthetic could induce vomiting. I think he was expecting a yes or no so was taken aback when I looked at her and then back at him and replied that she had eaten a ham sandwich ...

... I reminded the Vet that her drugs needed to be taken with food and both T&M have food constantly available so I needed something tempting to ensure her pills sat on a full stomach; hence a ham sandwich. He laughed at this unconventional approach and we continued with the pre-op consents and confirmation of contact details. I left her there with instructions to call for a progress report at two o'clock.

Two o'clock came and I called to be informed that all had gone well and that I could collect her later in the afternoon. She is now curled up on the sofa as right as ninepence.

30% returned from work somewhat excited* by her new role and it fair to say that she needed to do a bit of shouting to get it out of her system ... eventually, reassured by the sight of Tyson virtually restored to normal levels of craziness, she was ready to start the weekend and we headed over to Littleton Auctons to view the lots.

Tomorrow could be expensive.

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* This is most definitely a euphemism

Sick Note

There is little to report from the past couple of days. I'm getting over my cold however Tyson's recovery has not been so straightforward. The anti-inflammatories and antibiotics have had the desired effect on her torn claw and consequently she is quite happy wandering around with a barely a limp. This increased actvity is loosening the claw and on a couple of occasions it has started to bleed. I have had to apply a dressing to stem the flow and to keep her from niggling at the wound. She looks quite comical with her paw bandaged and has a tendency to sit with her paw held up for all to see.

Realistically the injury isn't going to heal until the nail is removed and it looks like I will be back at the Vet's tomorrow for another consultation.

Bleurgh !

If I am honest I did very little today. My head is full of cold and I felt quite dreadful. I spent the bare minimum of time at the laptop, just enough to keep matters on track as we head towards Friday when this deal gets signed.

I did manage a walk around the Three Miler with Marauder and felt somewhat better for being outside in the sun. Mind you, it could just have been the vast quantities of over the counter medication that I have been throwing down my throat.

I encouraged TP out in to the garden this afternoon and he made a reasonable job of edging the lawn. I also let him loose with a garden sprayer filled with weedkiller to sort out the herbal invaders in the block paving ... I hope I don't regret this in a couple of weeks time when things start to die ... after all, a while back I was tempted to draw a huge cock and balls on Idiot Manager's front lawn with a solution of RoundUp!

I spent the evening at home slouched on the sofa alone as 30% and TP headed out to a School Barbecue arranged as part of the Zambian Exchange programme. I really don't feel very sociable at the moment.

When home and work collide

I had a dreadful night's sleep and can recall waking almost every hour. My head was full of cold and it is fair to say that I didn't feel my best. Looking on the bright side, at least I only have to wander as far as the home office rather than schlep to London or some other location where my physical manifestation is mandated.

First job of the day was to arrange an appointment for Tyson at the Vets. A nine o'clock slot was available so I lifted* her in to the back of the Defender and headed down the road ...

... Fifty five British Pounds later I discovered that Tyson had partially torn one of her claws and an infection had set in. She was given a jab to ease the pain and hit the infection and she is to "take it easy" for the next few days whilst she consumes a variety of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories.

I headed home and settled in to my day's work. This included submitting my expenses and managing the signature of a variety of Third Party Contracts and Documents of Understanding. I would like to think that I am having some impact but the realist in me knows that the impending signature of a new contract with a client is the real impetus driving the activity. At best my role is that of either Shepherd or Reporter.

In the early afternoon I headed out for a walk with Marauder before yet more shepherding as I coaxed TP out of the door and whisked him over to the Dentist for an inspection of his damaged incisor ...

... it is settling back in to its socket and a further two appointments have been scheduled for root canal fillings to the tooth and its neighbour.

By the time I arrived home I felt most unwell and would have liked to call it a day but I had a conference call arranged for six thirty that I needed to attend. I'm glad I did as it was hysterical. The purpose of the call was to review a document of understanding and agree it in principle. What it actually turned out to be was one of Dante's most unprofessional senior Daemons having a  rant at another sect of Devils and pointing out that she would not be incurring any financial penalties if they had cocked up their estimates.

As I said, at best I am either shepherding or reporting on this activity.

---

* obviously to ensure she didn't hurt her paw. However, it is a regular source of amusement that Marauder will leap, from a standing start, in to the back of the Land Rover whilst Tyson, even when in full health, will simply place her front paws on the load bed and wait patiently for one of us to lift her rear end in to the car.

I've felt better

I woke this morning and felt like I had gone three rounds with a champion boxer after yesterdays re-stacking of the wood pile. My back and legs ached and it is fairly obvious that the recent weeks of hotel stays and office based working have done me no good at all. I need to get back in to my exercise regime. To make matters worse I have woken with a snotty nose and a scratchy feeling at the back of my throat. My initial diagnosis is a cold but 30% says hay fever. I guess it could be but I have never suffered like this before.

Tyson is no better so a) it looks like a trip to the Vets tomorrow and b) it was just Marauder and I that took a walk after breakfast. I have never walked Marauder on her own and I was amazed at how she behaved. She was a different dog, she was calm and walked to heel most of the time and there was no straining at the lead as we set off down the road. We were stopped a few times on our walk and acquaintances asked about Tyson's whereabouts. We also received three separate compliments about Marauder's recent clip ... it was nice to have independent confirmation that I had done a decent job.

After completing the Three Miler I dragged the pawn mower from the garage and whizzed around the lawn before the first of today's showers hit the village. The morning's exertions combined with an achy back meant that I was knackered and starving so a lazy, extended lunch was taken before 30% and I nipped out to pick up some fruit 'n veg from a nearby farm shop.

On our return I fully intended to do nothing but snooze on the sofa but I felt the need to do something constructive so I unwrapped the curtain poles that I had collected from the Blacksmith last Monday and wandered in to the dining room ...

... after assembling a pile of assorted tools and deployment of some imaginative invective the rails now grace the door and window frames and 30% can now arrange for Upholsterer Sally to come around to measure up for curtains.

Mr Teasy Weasy?

I have a suspicion that my body is far more in tune with the rising and setting of the sun than I would like it to be. For much of this week I have been waking early and this morning, despite obvious fatigue, I was up and about by half past five. I pottered, drank coffee and just enjoyed being at home rather than the succession of sterile boxes I have been forced to inhabit for much of the past couple of weeks. It is a sorry state of affairs when the only space that had any personal significance is the cab of the Defender and I was only in that for the commute to and from the office!

Anyway, enough of that, I am home now and not away for at least a couple of weeks. 30% surfaced early for her and we were in to the Defender and heading towards Worcester before the clock struck ten.* The purpose of our visit was to collect the remainder of the wood Jules had scavenged for us and to present her with her birthday card and gift. We passed the time with Jules and exchanged news before heading back home.  The sky threatened rain so we left the wood in the Land Rover and wandered in for a coffee.

I then fancied a walk so grabbed a hat and coat and was instantly joined by an excited T&M. We had hardly got fifty yards from the door when I noticed that Tyson was limping so the walk was aborted and I headed back somewhat annoyed and frustrated to find one of the dogs had picked up an injury while I was away. With time on my hands I went and collected the clippers from the garage and gave them their summer haircut.  It took a good couple of hours to get them so they looked reasonably presentable rather than though they had just got over a bad case of mange!

By this time my early start had caught up with me and I crashed on the sofa for an hour or so** before waking and feeling slightly more human. 30% was attacking and Everest of ironing so I thought that I had better do something productive too ... I shuffled cars and positioned the Land Rover for an easy extrication of the wood ...

... As I took the first few pieces to the pile at the back of the garage I realised that I may have made it easy to unload the wood but stacking it was going to be a complete bastard of a job. The pile was a collapsed mess and as a result I spent an hour outside re-stacking the wood pile.

I wandered in at beer o'clock and caught up with TP's news of his day with his Mother and siblings before settling down for a sofa dinner. I then did something that I have never done before  ...

... 30% had combed the tangles from Marauder's topknot and I had a pair of scissors at hand so I started to trim it back in to shape. Previously I had left this to the professionals but M was a star and lay still allowing me cut back the 70's Afro that was starting to develop on her head. Encouraged by my efforts Tyson got coiffeured too.

I'm not sure I am ready for a career change to dog grooming but I am more than willing to take them out in public looking as they do.

---

* Despite 30% and TP knowing that the clock only likes to be wound between the hours of eight and nine they somehow manage not to follow this simple instruction. As a result they prematurely initiate the chiming mechanism and put the chimes out of synchronisation with the actual hour. Hence the clock struck ten at nine o'clock ... and yes it is only me that knows how to put the damned thing back on track.
** possibly an under estimate

The longest day

Yep, they got that right! It definitely felt like the longest day as I spent four bloody hours, I repeat, four bloody hours in a page turn review of a nineteen page contract document in the company of a lawyer and a procurement specialist. It is fair to say that they were in their element whilst I and the Supplier's Director were not. From well before the midpoint onwards we were exchanging pained expressions which clearly had a sub-text of "Christ they are making hard work of this".

To make matters worse the review filled the hours from ten until two and by the time I wandered in to Dante's refectory the staff were cleaning the counters and there was little to choose from apart from a rubbery cheese and soggy tomato baguette ... mmm lovely.*

It appears that I am still needed to provide support for a couple of days next week but this will be on a part-time basis and from home so, at the very least, I will finally get some exercise and a break from hotel restaurant food.

This evening we headed over to The Bridge at Bidford where we met up with The Elf to celebrate her birthday. We had a lovely meal although the Restaurant Manager who escorted us to our table was a little snotty. Our table wasn't particularly fantastic either and I spent most of the evening being blinded by the setting sun and having to ask 30% to adjust the louvre blinds in an attempt to prevent cataracts. The moment the sun had dipped behind the horizon Mr Snotty appeared from nowhere and, without a word, reached across the table to open the blinds. I have to be honest and say that he was verging on fucking rude. Fortunately the company, food and the waitress service made up for the manager's lack of civility and we had a delightful evening catching up with each other's news.

I was expecting to be unenthusiastic about another restaurant steak dinner but I realised that there is a huge difference between dining alone and dining with friends. It isn't the food and it isn't the location, it is the company that makes the meal.

---

* just in case you hadn't noticed, that was sarcasm.

If life gives you lemons ...

... then make lemonade.

Thursday was another early start. This time I was in to the office before the canteen had opened so I turned left and headed to the fourth floor to set up my laptop before wandering back downstairs to break my fast. A little sense prevailed this morning and a slightly more restrained almond croissant and banana were selected for breakfast before the daily shit shovelling commenced.

Alternating between a visually sterile, threadbare office and a very similar hotel room has not been particularly enjoyable andI had been tempted to head back home early. The perfect opportunity arose today when a Procurement Manager arranged a contract review tomorrow at my Nearest Circle of Hell. * I seized the moment and suggested my early departure to the Lead Project Manager. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker and I spent the rest of the day with my head down attempting to gain purchase with my allocated tasks.

By five thirty I had got as far as I could with work so called it a day and headed out in to the traffic towards the hotel. Twenty five minutes later I was wandering towards room 309 for the last time and wasted not a moment as I hastily threw my clothes in to a bag. I paused briefly to return my key at the Reception desk before clambering in to the Defender and heading homeward.

I wandered in to The Pile just in time for dinner and was greeted enthusiastically by T&M and even 30% and TP seemed quite pleased to see me.

It comes as a relief that this assignment is virtually over. It hasn't been particularly hard work but it has involved unnecessary travel and hotel stays. In addition the work is poorly defined and insufficient to keep me occupied. As a result I have had to spend long days attempting to look busy on a job that is best described as herding cats.

---

* Let me just be clear that a three hour long, "page turn" review of a contract document is most definitely an example of life giving you lemons.

This is not a job

I was out of bed early this morning and walked in to the foyer of the client offices at a quite remarkable half past seven in the morning.

The lack of restaurant facilities at the Travelodge was the impetus for this early start and I turned right and headed for the refectory. I had worked up quite an appetite on the drive in to the office so I pitched up to the counter and ordered the "seven item, Full English". It is fair to say that I wasn't quite ready for the portion size ... the plate was piled so high it was spilling on to the tray and I was charged less than £3 for this cholesterol extravaganza.

I am afraid that was the high point of my working day and for the following ten hours I alternated between reviewing contract documents and just trying to look busy.

As I type this I am sat in the Holiday Inn restaurant with a G&T wondering what the chances are of me being "cut loose" next week.

Anything is better than providing holiday cover.

The grass is always greener ...

Now I have been around long enough to know this idiom well and be aware that generally the word "not" needs to be inserted in to this phrase.

At the moment this metaphor is a recurring theme in my life but today I really was in a grass is greener situation. Let me explain ...

... Last week I stayed at a Holiday Inn and it was OK, nothing great, but it was perfectly acceptable. This week it had no available rooms so I was allowed to book a room that was not featured on Dante's list provided I observed tight spending limits.

As a result I find myself fifty yards away from last week's hotel at a Travelodge and it is an experience that I never want to repeat again EVER!

To call it a shit hole would be paying it a compliment. I can honestly say that it is the cheapest, tattiest arsehole of a place that I have ever encountered and remember I have slept in a mobile home in Monument Valley that smelt of horse piss ... By comparison that place had charm

The room is the most depressing, tatty environment and is long overdue for refurbishment. The walls are perforated by screw holes where infrastructure has been removed and plastic rawlplugs still protrude from the holes. The furniture is made from laminated, particle board that has several unexplained holes where the laminate has come away and the board beneath has been picked at by a succession of depressed "guests" leaving craters an inch or more in diameter. All of the furniture appears to have been soaked with water at some point in its history as the edges have swollen and bulged showing more chipboard peeking out between laminate and edging strip. This has proved to be an irresistible temptation to previous residents too and this to has been picked at repeatedly. The room has the unmistakable odour of air freshener attempting to cover up cigarette smoke and if I highlight any more of its faults I am concerned that I will enter a depression that may take years to recover from.

To make matters worse I had to wander across the car park* to dine at the Holiday Inn as the Travelodge has no restaurant** I therefore was able to experience briefly how green the grass can be before trudging home to accommodation only marginally better than a cardboard box under a bridge on the Oxford ring road.

Roll on Friday.

---

* Which has a separate fee! How may hotels do you know where the cheapskate fuckers make you pay for car parking?
** although, based on the state of the room this is probably a very, very good thing

Reservations

The good news, if you can call it that, is that TP's incisor doesn't appear to be fractured and has now been gently* repositioned and splinted while it reattaches to its socket.

The bad news is that this weeks hotel is a Travelodge on the outskirts of Oxford ...

... What have I done to deserve this?

---

* although not as gently as TP would have liked

As days go, this one should have been better.

Sunday morning was somewhat energetic; the dogs got walked, the lawn was mown and this reckless activity might explain why the majority of the afternoon was spent in a mildly hypoglycaemic state. This was not an ideal way to spend Fathers’ Day but I was reasonably coherent by the time BMS, SMS, Tilly and 30%’s parents joined us for dinner.

I can report that the new dining table easily seats seven and that a “three rib” joint of beef leaves plenty over for midweek meals and cold beef sandwiches …

… just a shame that I have to base myself from sunny Oxford this week.

Probably what I needed ...

It was a quiet and very domestic day today.

I awoke reasonably early and spent an hour or so filling in on-line forms and uploading digital copies of documentation while 30% slowly entered the land of the living. We then paid a visit to a local meat wholesaler who had been recommended by a friend. It was agreed, before entering, that we would be restrained taking a sample first, come back again approach ...

... Hmmm! Things didn't quite go to plan and we ended up with a huge quantity of meat to re-stock our dwindling supplies at home. One of the purchases was a complete, boned loin of pork which provided a loin joint, six loin steaks and a further 10" piece of loin that will be cured to give us some back bacon.* We also acquired a large quantity of black pudding which proved to be very tasty and will allow us to make some much needed black pudding sausages in the near future. Legs of lamb, a large brisket joint, sausages, chicken breasts and a compulsory pork pie completed our order and I can report that the little we have sampled has proved to be very good indeed.

We then headed in to Redditch for a trip to the supermarket and to pick up dog food before returning home for lunch. Lunch was followed by a much needed walk around the Three Miler and, despite a heavy shower early on, I actually managed to avoid a soaking by the showers that have punctuated the day.

The remainder of the afternoon was filled with some light butchery as we reduced catering packs and joints down to family sized portions and I started the cure of the aforementioned loin of pork

I really should have mowed the lawn but I will stand by the it's too wet to cut alibi if questions are asked.

---

* As I will be in Oxford next week TP will be introduced to the art of curing and will be responsible for this task.

Fortuitous Scheduling?

After another unrewarding day in the office I packed up my laptop as four o'clock approached and headed back out on to Oxford's ring road. It was a slow crawl out to the motorway where the traffic spaced out a little. I arrived home at half past five to find 30% stood on the drive nattering to a passerby.

The "reason" for my early departure from work was that I was required to ferry TP and mates to a party this evening and 30% was unable to assist as she was having her hair done ...

... so I was a little taken aback when she advised that she had just left the salon and TP was nowhere to be seen. I'm not complaining, I was home at a reasonable time and could just loiter for an hour or so until I was required to operate the Dad's Taxi Service.

After dropping TP off at the party I headed home for a steak dinner and a large G&T. 30% and I had just settled on the sofa for an evening when the 'phone rang...

... It was TP calling to advise that he had just chipped and dislodged one of his front teeth as a result of an accident involving a beer bottle and a mate.* I eventually got to speak to an adult who advised that it was a fairly minor chip and the tooth was still reasonably straight but TP was quite shaken by the episode and it was best if we came and collected him.

We did so and then had a chat with a very nice lady at NHS Direct who gave me advise on the symptoms of concussion and advised that we should seek emergency dental treatment if the pain became unbearable or the blood flow recommenced.

It is perhaps fortunate that he has root canal treatment scheduled for this tooth next Monday, although I am guessing that there may be changes to his treatment plan after tis little mishap.

---

* Whenever TP is involved with this adolescent something ALWAYS goes wrong.

The only thing in life that is constant ...

... is change!  Well, I have to say that I am not so sure.

If you want to know what my Thursday was like please refer to yesterday's entry and replace "chicken dinner" with "steak dinner" and "contracts drafted" with "risks reviewed".

Nothing to see here

Wednesday went like this ...

... Out of bed by six thirty and morning ablutions rapidly followed. Thirty minutes later I was partaking of a healthy bowl of muesli followed by a less healthy "full English" 

By seven thirty I was crawling around the ring road and by eight I was wandering in to an office that looks more like a house after the removal men have finished. *

After eleven hours of dull and repetitive hassling to get contracts drafted I headed back to the Holiday Inn for a G&T and a chicken dinner. I then headed back to my room and collapsed on the bed...

... This is far from the most exciting assignment I have ever been given!

---

* complete with dust balls and abandoned domestic debris

Red Letter Day?

Tuesday started with a drive down the M40 to Oxford.  The sat nav optimistically informed me that I would reach my destination in an hour and a quarter. It had obviously not been programmed to take account of Oxford's rush hour and it didn't seem to have a particularly precise knowledge of the ring road either.

I eventually arrived at the client site and was escorted up to a deserted wing of the building where the team had set up camp with oddments of furniture and mismatched chairs. I kid you not when I report that I saw our Pricer attempting to use a shelving unit turned on its side as a desk...

... It's a glamorous life working in IT Outsourcing.

The day was the usual round of spreadsheets, calls and impromptu meetings. I now have a reasonable idea of what I am required to deliver ... It is the usual story of having to harry overloaded team mates for deliverables they just don't have the time to produce.

Three times this afternoon I was interrupted by calls on my mobile. They were following up on yesterday's meeting and it is patently obvious that it went very well. There are a few formalities that I need to complete but all being well this will develop in to a fantastic opportunity.

I thought the feedback had sunk in but I knew it hadn't when the waitress taking my dinner order asked how my day had been. I shrugged and pulled a face to indicate that it had been nothing special ... a brief moment passed as I gathered my thoughts and realised what a great and scary day it had actually been.

A surprisingly good day

Have you ever had a day that was expected to be an ordeal but in actuality went amazingly well?

Well today was one of those days. The morning started with a face to face meeting, so I got myself suited and booted and arrived comfortably early. I was surprised by the lack of butterflies and felt at ease as I delivered my pitch. I was rewarded with beaming smiles and positive feedback and I departed feeling that I had given a good performance.

I left and spent the remainder of the day in the office back at The Pile. It was nice to be at home for once, as the rest of the week will be spent at a client site in Oxford. I passed the time getting up to speed with the next assignment but it is fair to say that I had an easy day and an hour was found to walk T&M around the lanes.

The evening included the now regrettably regular, last minute packing of a bag. Tomorrow I will be heading down the M40 to push another rock up another hill ...

The thing is, it isn't my rock and it isn't my hill.

Weekend Round Up

After a week in London, this weekend seemed at least a day shorter than it should have been. To make matters worse next week is likely to be quite intensive too, as I have an important meeting early on Monday morning and am filling in a gap on a new project too. I could have done with three days of "me time" but instead got the standard family sized, two day weekend which had been fortified with the jobs I should have done during the week but couldn't because I was in a hotel in the Capital.

Let's start with Saturday ...

... out of the house by five to nine and a very short walk to get my haircut, Next on the list was a trip to the feed store to stock up on layers pellets* and then it was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M. I arrived back around midday just in time to greet the O&Ls who joined us for lunch and an extended afternoon of chat. It was lovely to see them all and we all had a fine time eating, restrained drinking and chewing the fat.

We had a quiet evening at home together. I did my best to think about nothing ... I may have achieved this but I cannot be sure.

Sunday arrived far too quickly and the morning was taken up by walking the dogs and preparing a PowerPoint presentation. After lunch 30% and I headed in to Worcester to pick up a couple of new shirts and then over to Jules' house to collect the remainder of the pallet wood she acquired from her workplace. It rapidly became apparent that Jules had severely underestimated the quantity of wood she had as we filled the back of the Defender and will need another trip next weekend to pick up the rest.

The rest of the afternoon was spent reviewing and refining my presentation taking frequent breaks to do anything other than what I was supposed to be doing. As a result I can report that the back of the Defender has been swept clean of sawdust and splinters and Steve has been provided with the colour code** for a 1995 Honda CBR 600 F-S ...

... did I ever say that I have a tendency to procrastinate?

---

* I used 30%'s car and once again managed to scrape the damned thing. 
**NH-1  NH1K if you are interested. This is vital to Steve if he is to match the black on the scratched fairing inspection/access panel.

Has the wind changed?

Today was as quiet as I expected, although next week will not be as I have yet another "last minute" assignment and it looks like I will be spending most of the next two or three weeks in Oxford. Yet again I am pulled from the substitute's bench to make up the numbers in a team before being sent back to watch and wait for a match where I will play both halves. It is fair to say that I am already less than enthused with being dragged from pillar to post, supporting deals about which I know nothing and in which I have no sense of ownership.

I really need to find another job.

As for today, I spent most of this morning claiming my expenses and at one point, had to construct a spreadsheet to determine VAT allocations on a less than clear hotel invoice. I suppose it is my own fault for exceeding evening meal limits. This session of accounting, photocopying and mailing was interrupted by a wander over to the local surgery for an eye test. I then returned and tidied my in-box before lunch.

Unusually 30% came home for lunch and brought along a frolleague;* Rich. We spent a pleasant hour putting the world to rights and exploring the delights of delivering network services to oil and gas suppliers.

The afternoon was quieter still and I would have said that the most significant thing was my first walk around the Three Miler for five days but late in the afternoon Idiot Manager pinged and then sent an SMS** to attract my attention. This was when he informed me about the need to be in Oxford ...

... unfortunately it will be less gleaming spires and more vehicle component manufacturing.

---

* Frolleague: portmanteau noun derived from friend and colleague
** I wasn't sat at my laptop

Clock Watching

I have two days left until I finish my current assignment and I delivered my principle piece of work yesterday. This means that I have nothing left to do and am just hanging around in case something crops up. The team are focused on finalising the Proposal and Contract Schedules for delivery to the Client tomorrow and I am there like the Teddy at a Dinner Party for 13.*

This was hammered home when we dialled in to the final review call before the price release and my name was omitted from the attendees in the room ...

... I'll get me coat!

There was no point hanging around in London and joining a commuter crammed, rush hour train so I left the Office at three thirty sharp and within an hour was heading North on the 16:22 out of Paddington. Mechanical issues caused a couple of delays but I was back in Evesham by seven o'clock and 30% appeared in the Station car park five minutes later with T&M in the back of the car.

 I was whisked home to a gin and tonic and a home cooked supper of cottage pie. I'm not kidding when I say that it beat the restaurant cooked, steak dinners and waitress service by a country mile.

Shortly after dinner Jules appeared at the back door. A large quantity of pallets had been cut up at her Employer's site and she had thoughtfully acquired this scrap timber for our wood burner. I was truly amazed at the amount of wood she had piled in to the back of her car and further delighted when she advised that she had half as much again for us to collect from her home over the weekend.

If there is one thing better than a real fire it is a real fire with free fuel.

---

* It is regarded as bad luck for thirteen to sit down to dinner together. I heard somewhere of a restaurant that has a Teddy Bear to make a sitting of fourteen should thirteen guests ever arrive for a meal.

It is all downhill from here

Wednesday, the hump in the middle of the week. Once it has passed, it is a gentle coast through to the weekend.

This is particularly true of my current assignment as today was the day of our Solution review. This is the penultimate gate our project has to pass through before we can release our price to the customer. Once this review has been completed I will have very little to do as I will be disengaging at the end of this week and moving on to pastures that will be new but, as yet, are unknown.

This has been a short-term assignment* and, as a result, I have had to define and delimit my role rather than the more usual approach which is just to get on with whatever needs doing. There is a new process for today's review  so I made it my mission to educate myself and ensure that the procedure was followed.

I can report that, after a week and half of preparation, I spent the morning scrabbling around for documentation and invoking threats upon those whose submissions were extremely  late, I finally had all of the deliverables stored in databases and the Presentation slides available for the reviewers. Unusually it was not me that needed to present to the review board so although I needed to have everything in place for the afternoon conference call I had none of the responsibility or pressure that accompanies ownership of the solution.

I therefore half-listened as the review progressed and it came as little surprise that we were given a conditional approval with half a dozen actions that we needed to complete over the next couple of days.

The rest of the working day was spent addressing those actions and I left the office a little after six and rode the Tube back to Marble Arch for another night in The Cumberland.

I will be home by this time tomorrow.

---

* three weeks

Kill them all. Now!

I've expressed my frustrations with the muddled thinking of SMIs on many previous occasions. Well, today's experience indicates that there are still virgin seams of idiocy for the lucky Prospector.

I'll use an analogy to allow me to convey today's example of lunacy. It went something like this ...

SMI           bad man, we have a major risk. Basically we don't know how fat this person is so we don't know whether they will fit on the bus.

bad man    Ok, I agree that is a risk but it is hardly a major risk as we have time to weigh them before the bus leaves and make alternative transport arrangements if necessary.

There was a pause ... then

SMI           We can reduce the risk by arranging personal transportation for the possibly chubby person now

This had me perplexed so I responded with …

bad man    How can you arrange personal transportation for the person if you don't know the size of the passenger? Surely the risk is still present and remains unmitigated?

There was another pause so I repeated my question. Eventually the SMI came back with ...

SMI           We have been given information on the passenger's weight.

bad man    If you have been given the weight of the passenger then you know whether they will fit on the bus or whether you need an alternative. There is no risk.

SMI           Yes, that’s right. I'm going to close down the risk.

I paused, took a deep breath and imagined their slow, painful death...

It may have involved lemon juice and salt!

There are checkout queues ...

... and then there are Marks and Spencer checkout queues.

This morning I climbed aboard the 6.50 Express from Evesham and headed towards the Capital for what is likely to be an intensive week. All being well it should culminate in the delivery of our Proposal to the client but I wouldn't bet next month's salary cheque on that!

At lunch time I wandered out of the office and headed down the road to a Tesco Metro store. I grabbed a sandwich and some fruit and headed towards where I expected the lengthy lunchtime checkout queue to end. For some reason the line was much longer than normal, stretching all of the way around the small store and reaching almost to the entrance.

Being a patient sort of person I thought "Fuck this for a game of soldiers", dumped my prospective purchases on a convenient shelf and headed out of the store in search of somewhere less busy.

Enjoying the Spring sunshine, after a morning in a cool drab office, I strolled down the road and walked in to M&S. I chose my lunch and, to my dismay, noticed another enormous queue. By this point hunger tempered my impatience and I stood in line. As I waited I noticed a store assistant walking the length of the queue with a tray ...

... Some genius had decided to calm potentially irritated shoppers by offering them portions of flapjack while they waited their turn to pay.

It bloody worked too.

A Sunny Sunday

I was up and about well before 30% and TP so, after breakfasting, I headed back in to the Study to continue the clearance. My first job was to take down the light fitting and pack it away. A pendant light fitting now hangs in its place and will remain there for the next few months of demolition and reconstruction. Having done that, the mahogany corner cupboard project was relocated to the garage along with the bacon slicer and other odds and ends … did I ever mention that the Study had a natural tendency to attract junk and act as spill-over area for projects?

I then persuaded 30% to assist me in the rationalisation of the contents of two cupboards. Half an hour later the Charity Shop pile was significantly larger and we had more space in which to store “keepers” from the Study.

These activities consumed the morning and, following lunch, we threw T&M in the back of the Defender and headed over to the nearby Country Estate to repeat the walk we took last week. After a splendid hour in the sun we headed home.

Wanting to make the most of the fine weather I found the flimsiest of excuses to extricate the Ducati from the garage and headed in to Redditch to pick up a strip light starter from the DIY store. I then took the twistiest roads I could find over to Bad Man Senior’s house where I stopped for a tea break and to catch up on their news.

Back at home I fixed the faulty fluorescent light in the garage and then filled the time before dinner by packing a bag for next week’s trip to London. When I say “packing a bag” what I actually mean is that I piled the clothes and sundry items I will need on the bed. For some reason I dislike packing bags and suitcases and will always leave it until the very last minute … thinking about this for a moment I realise that I am quite happy to pack a bag in a hotel room. This seems to suggest that it is not the bag pacing that I dislike but the fact that work will drag me away from home for most of the week when I would much rather be at home.

After dinner and an evening of television I eventually succumbed and placed my clothes in a bag minutes before climbing in to bed. It is an early start tomorrow as I need to be on the ten to seven train to Paddington.

House Clearance

This morning all three of us headed over to Littleton Auctions and took a wander around the lots. There were a couple of items of interest and we made a few bids on an old safe and a lovely inlaid Edwardian bedroom chair but backed out short of winning either. 30% took a liking to an old yoke and kept bidding until the hammer fell at £12. It is a really nice piece and will look great on the wall somewhere in the house.*

We loitered to see what price a mounted Stag's head went for, but baulked and left when the bidding started at £650. Apparently it was mounted by a well known Taxidermist but I am afraid that, to me, it was just a dusty Red Deer and eBay has far more exotic mounts for less than half of the opening bid.

We arrived home in time for lunch and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M as soon as we had eaten. The dogs and I have been deprived of walks this week due to work and next week will not be any better as I will be based in London until Thursday evening.

After a restorative coffee I mowed the lawn, again conscious of the fact that I am away next week and the grass will be up to my knees in a week's time. After giving the garden a token tidy up I headed back to the house and, with the assistance of 30% and TP, we made a start on clearing the Study and setting up the home office in the Hall ...

... after an hour the main items of furniture had been relocated and we could see that with some ruthless decision making the remainder of the clutter could soon be disposed of.

I must admit that I am quite looking forward to refurbishing the Study but in a corner of my mind I wonder what horrors will appear as wallpaper and plaster are removed.

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* Once a bracket has been fabricated, as I found out later after the trial hanging.

Filling a Gap

Tuesday

After a three day weekend that was periodically interrupted by work concerns I wandered in to the Nearest Circle of Hell on Tuesday to find that my concerns were valid...

... On his last day before disappearing for a week long holiday the Lead Project Manager asked me to pull together a set of slides for a Project Review on his first day back. I made reference to some of the new processes* associated with this review and got a blank stare in return. This was the cause of my concerns as my limited recent experiences were  enough to know that the new process was a complete and utter bastard with huge amounts of checklists, artifacts and prescribed deliverables that needed to be in place before the review call.

Having given the back story let's return to Tuesday morning where I made the acquaintance of the Bid Manager responsible for arranging this review. It is fair to say that he was as knowledgeable as the Lead Project Manager so I sent him off to do some research and get the review arranged. 

I now knew what my working week would be like. I would be struggling to pull together a vast raft of materials for a solution review by a team that are beyond Germanic in their nit picking, inflexible approach to procedures. This was not going to be fun and, to make matters worse, I know very little about the solution and the team of SMIs are so busy that they don't have time to do their own work let alone help me with mine. 

There was a brief ray of sunshine in to my dark world when I discovered that  next Monday is a Bank Holiday in Ireland and the review could not take place until next Tuesday. This would allow me some time to get the Lead PM back up to speed and another 24 hours to cobble some shit together for the review.

Having gained a little clarity on how shitty my week would be, I stepped though a metaphorical door and started to look at project costs. After twenty minutes in that room I rather fancied stepping back out and getting a metaphorical Bricklayer in to brick up the door way using quick drying cement. Basically the costs are monumental and there are still more to come in. The target price is minuscule and there is unlikely to be enough time to do anything but watch a big number get even bigger.**

I am not going to have a great week and, to be honest, I don't plan to document much of it here.

Wednesday

Wednesday was another day spent at the Nearest Circle of Hell attempting to document and describe the Beast for the review. I managed to make limited headway today and wandered out of the Office at five thirty with few ticks on my to do list.

One might ask why I wasn't burning the midnight oil on this deal and you can take your pick from these options:-

a) Budgetary issues mean that I need to limit time spent working on this deal

b) Most of my deliverables will not be available until the very last minute

c) I have no skin in the game

d) I have tickets for a Box at the Palace Theatre in Redditch to see Andy Parson

e) all of the above

Thursday

I spent today working from home as I had an important 'phone call in my diary this morning. It is fair to say that a planning and communications cock up meant that I was fifteen minutes late for the call and had to be chased to dial in.

The call was OK but went nowhere near as well as I had hoped for and I have spent the past few days reliving the conversation and thinking I wish I had said ...

Bollocks!

On a more positive note; the chap who bought our old pine table on eBay finally pitched up to collect the damned thing. As a result we now have two crisp fifties in the loose change pot and the Hall is now free of furniture. This means that we can now set up the home office in the Hall and make a start on the Study refurbishment.

Friday

Oh Joy! Today I was again in the Nearest Circle of Hell for an Executive Review of the project I am baby minding. I spent ten hours solid *** listening to a rehash of the review that took place last Wednesday. I have to say that good things came out of this review but it was far too late for the observations and recommendations to be implemented effectively when we have to have everything finalised by the end of next Monday. 

I eventually shut down the laptop and headed home at around six thirty in the evening and was extremely glad of the G&T that was presented to me when I walked in to the kitchen at home.

In an attempt to make me feel like I had achieved something this week I hung up the slate notice board that I had made over the past few days.

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* I acquired brief overview of these on the last project

** The project price has to stabilise before you can start to trim it back.

*** I left the room on five occasions and each departure was for no more than 8 minutes. Two of the trips were for beverages, one to grab a sandwich and the other were to the Gents.

Relaxing while I have the chance

There is not a huge amount to report today. I applied a couple of coats of Danish Oil to the slate/blackboard/kitchen notice board that I made yesterday and left it to dry in the garage. I'll finish it with a coat of wax, fix a slotted mirror plate on the back and it will be ready to hang in the kitchen. It hasn't been the most complicated of projects but sometimes simple things are the best.

By mid-morning I was at a loose end and 30% suggested a walk through the fields and woods on a nearby Country Estate. We threw T&M in the back of the Defender, drove over and parked by a Barn that has been converted in to a group of small commercial premises in the middle of nowhere.* We had a lovely walk in the Spring sunshine and our timing was perfect in that we arrived back at The Pile hungry and just in time for lunch.

I must admit that idleness got the better of me after the walk and the afternoon was spent watching TV and snoozing on the sofa. It was, after all, a Bank Holiday Monday and therefore almost mandatory that  I took it easy for at least part of the day.

I'm back in work tomorrow and have to admit that the weekend has been punctuated with nagging thoughts that the latest projects is nowhere near ready for the reviews that are planned over the next seven days.

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* It comes as no surprise that the tenures of most of the businesses there are measured in months rather than years as there is little passing trade or traffic. You would need damned good reputation or web presence to stand any chance of survival at such a remote location.

Blackboards, Bikes and a Birthday

I had nothing that I needed to do this morning so I wandered out to the garage to knock up something that I had been considering for a while. Let me explain ...

... In the kitchen there hangs a rather kitsch blackboard and I bloody loathe it. I tolerate it's presence as it a very useful thing but I dislike it in almost equal measure. The reasons I dislike it are down to it's design. It is tall and narrow and consequently shopping lists become a list of abbreviations. Any Teacher will tell you that chalk tends to dictate its font size and this board is obviously designed for 24Pt text but the commonly available chalk in the UK is more like 36Pt.  As a result, in the near future I will be proposing a set of new domestic abbrevs including WUL for washing up liquid.

The other reason I cannot stand this item is that 45% of it's useful area is taken up with a naff graphic of a ginger cat. I don't like the picture. It is reasonably well executed but has not one iota of appeal to me, and consequently makes a poorly dimensioned blackboard even less useful. The final nail in the coffin of this piece is that the blackboard paint doesn't have a particularly good matt finish which means that the chalk often fails to leave a mark ...

... Here ends the case for the Prosecution.

So, as I was saying, I wandered out to the garage and found a thin 30cm square slate left over from when I tiled the kitchen floor. A diamond cutting blade in an angle grinder made light work of resizing the tile and I ended up with a 30cm x 24cm rectangle.* All I needed to do now was construct a frame. As I was fiddling with some pieces of scrap oak floor boards I noticed that the slate slotted neatly in to the groove in the edge of the boards. This was an ideal way to hold the slate within the frame and would give me a product reminiscent of a Victorian school slate.

I set to with table saw, planer and mitre saw and soon had the frame components laid out on the bench. At this point I was disturbed by 30% and I noticed two things about her arrival in the garage; firstly she had not brought me a cup of coffee and secondly she was hastily wrapped in a towel and looked mildly flustered ...

... She hurriedly advised that I needed to go and collect TP as he had experienced another catastrophic cycle failure on his way over to the Handcart & Fortified Structure. I whizzed down the road and found that one of his bike's pedals had parted company from the main crank. The bike got thrown in the back of the car and TP was dropped off at work. At this point I calculate that TP is managing no more than three cycle journeys without experiencing component failure and necessary repair! I commented that 30%'s cycle was much like herself; in great shape twenty years ago but now rapidly falling apart and demanding high maintenance.

This did not get the laugh I had hoped for!

I sloped back to the garage where I glued and clamped the frame. Then I wandered in for a spot of lunch before taking T&M for a walk. It was a glorious afternoon and, upon my return,  I couldn't resist the urge to take the Ducati out for a ride. I headed in to Redditch to pick up a pair of 14mm crank nuts to repair TP's bike and then headed over to see Bad Man Senior taking the most twisty roads I could find.

I spent a very pleasant half an hour or so with BMS, Tilly and Brother J drinking tea and catching up on their news before heading back home. I put my bike away and then spent five minutes fixing TP's bike.

With the evening rapidly approaching I was urged to get changed as 30%'s Mum and Dad were joining us for dinner. This had been arranged to celebrate 30%'s Dad's birthday which took place yesterday. Dinner was most pleasant and after parting company we settled for an evening of TV after a productive but very enjoyable Bank Holiday Sunday.

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* I appreciate that this is not huge for a blackboard but I have ordered a chalk pen from Amazon which will allow legible shopping lists going forward.

Beer with Lunch ...

... never the best of ideas.

Today; S&H were joining us for lunch so the morning was spent ensuring that the house had a semblance of order. 30% applied herself to the food and domestic arrangements whilst I took T&M out for a walk to reduce their energy levels. This was a very sensible idea as will become apparent later.

The weather was somewhat warmer than the bitter cold we experienced yesterday and this had allowed the lawn to dry out. I took advantage and gave the grass a trim to give the garden a quick tidy too.

S&H arrived between one and two and we settled at the table for lunch and chat that filled most of the afternoon. I was on table clearing* and drinks duties and, as a consequence, served myself with quite a few glasses of premium Belgian lager. I stayed the right side of drunkenness but personal honesty  means that I have to report that I fell asleep on the sofa shortly after they left and slumbered through until eight in the evening.

It's a good job I hadn't got anything planned for the rest of the day.

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* When 30% puts on a spread she really puts on a SPREAD! I did offer to install an extra leaf in the table to accommodate the vast array of pickles, salads and cheeses she loaded on to the table. I also enjoy her Tsunami aftermath approach to the arrangement of these morsels

Filling in the gaps

It is Friday, and the end of a week of forced learning. I suppose I had better explain what I have been up to since the Journal entries have been brief and intermittent over the past few days ...

... After Monday's trip down to Heathrow for my induction on to the latest project, I have been doing my best to get up to speed with things. The Lead Project Manager is considerably more experienced than I and has a magnificent depth of knowledge. Unfortunately his technical prowess is not matched by his scheduling ability and he is buggering off for a week's holiday next week. This week I have been expected to pick up everything that has happened over the past few months and then keep things on track for the week that he is away.

This sounds pretty straightforward but, and it is a huge BUT, upon his return I am expected to have everything ready for the Solution review so that the client can be provided with a proposal and price on Friday 7th June. Personally I think that I have climbed on to the footplate in the last few moments before a train wreck and watched the driver leap and roll down the side of the embankment. I appreciate that this is not a great analogy, as he will climb back on just before we crash in to the buffers and send up a monumental burst of splinters, steam and mangled metal, but you get the picture ... it is me that gets the grief and hassle as we charge headlong towards a review that we are nowhere near ready for.

After Monday's travel plan adjustments I took the train** down to London early on Tuesday and stayed there through until Thursday afternoon. For most of the time I have been trying to get a sense of what is going on whilst assembling Contract Schedules in my spare time. It is a bloody nightmare as it takes time to pick up the nuances and interrelationships of the facts and issues, but time is the one thing I do not have. I guess I will have to go with my standard approach of common sense responses and an occasional prayer to the Gods for good fortune ...

... I am so fucked!

Friday was spent at home in front of the laptop. Most of my day was spent developing a contract document.* I eventually escaped from the office around five o'clock and took a brisk walk around a freezing Three Miler. I was tempted to light a fire on my return but refrained when I remembered that we were out this evening to see Bill Bailey perform his Qualmpeddler tour at Warwick Arts Centre. 

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow ...

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* I was''t required to write it, just cut and past elements in from other documentation.
** the scheduling of, and engineering staff on, this one were far superior to the situation on my metaphorical train referenced earlier in this Journal entry

While the cat is away ...

The mouse made a start on a contract schedule, and then left the office at three thirty sharp so he could make the 16.22 from Paddington.

I'll be home before seven this evening.

At the end of a long day

After eight long hours in a solution review followed by thirty minutes strap hanging to a hotel out in Stratford, East London I was looking forward to a refreshing beverage ...

I had to get a little Heath Robinson to overcome the kettle / base connectivity issue I encountered