Between a rock and a hard place ...

... with a 'phone stuck to my ear.

After my late night call with Christopher Robin I have spent most of the day on calls with the Deal Team discussing how to deal with a significant increase in the number of PCs. Understandably the Sales Guys just want to close the deal and simply want to increase the price using our current unit rates. Unfortunately it is not that simple and this change is so large that it will invalidate our unit rates in certain countries. Hence the Delivery Guys will not approve this approach.

I have therefore been summoned to call after call to reiterate this message. When I wasn't on these calls I was talking to our End User Guy who has the largest most sophisticated fag packet I have ever seen in my life. He did a sterling job of coming up with best and worst case estimates and lets just say that the best of them is not particularly encouraging.

It might sound quite stressful but to be honest I just rolled with it. We are scheduled to deliver final contract papers early on Saturday morning and this change will take the best part of a week to do anywhere near properly. Realistically all I am here to do is clarify the impact,  report approval positions and do my best to quantify the impact of the change. It will then be down to some Executive Daemon sat in their own Brimstone Jacuzzi to make a call and the deal will be signed, in blood of course.

The working day actually finished at a reasonable hour and I did get to break away from the 'phone and chat with my Dad and Sue when they called to collect Tilly. We had been dog sitting as they had spent the day at my younger brother's Graduation in Cardiff.

Do you know what time it is?

Thursday pretty much came and went, if you know what I mean.

The main gripe from my perspective is that I seemed to be repeatedly drafted in to do other people's jobs. These were jobs that were well outside my remit and clearly attributable to other team members but, for whatever reason, I seemed to be getting the shitty end of someone else's stick. I dealt with the sticky matters (did you see what I did there?) and eventually stepped away from the laptop.

The  remainder of Thursday evening was spent doing very little before 30% and I retired to bed at around half past ten ...

...  about an hour in to deep slumber we were disturbed by the telephone. I switched on the light and 30% reached for the phone ...

... "Hello? Yes? Who's that speaking please? Just a moment, I'll get him for you. He is asleep in bed"

It was Christopher Robin who was over in Boston. Apparently the client had discovered an extra 2,000 PCs in Europe and he needed an instant impact analysis of this and how quickly we could revise our pricing. I spent a bleary eyed hour talking them through the ins and outs of this before I was permitted to return to my pit.

I am fairly sure that tomorrow is not now going to be a gentle glide in to the weekend.

Weeds

Today I took the compact camera out with me on my walk...

I haven't done this for a while but I have been promising myself that I would get a  couple of pictures of T&M that show my first attempt at a lamb clip. I also like to illustrate the Journal as it is a way of giving my photos a purpose, so many pictures are given only a fleeting glimpse before being tucked away in a drawer or filed on a computer hard disk.

So today I picked up the compact and off we went. The skies weren't particularly inspiring so I was peering in to the hedgerows rather than taking in the views.

Tyson

Marauder

Field Scabious

Field Scabious

Meadow Brown Butterfly

Thistle Flower

 On the final leg of the Three Miler I walk along the edge of a field that is planted with fodder beans. T&M were darting in and out of the crop chasing real and imaginary creatures. As I tried to locate Tyson amongst the 3' tall bean plants I noticed this ....

Sat on its own in the field was this solitary sunflower. Apparently a weed is a plant that is growing in the wrong place. A rose in a corn field is often given as an example. Here is my contribution.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 9 in an occasional series

This evening I let T&M out at around ten o'clock for a last minute run around the garden / toilet opportunity.

Marauder was somewhat reluctant to come back in but eventually returned after numerous calls. She wandered in to the lounge and plonked herself on the sofa in front of the TV news. After a minute or so I heard chewing and turned to see that she had returned with a mouse carcass hidden in her mouth and was now giving it a thorough mastication....

... she dropped it on command and that was the point that I discovered that it was ripe with maggots.

Little chance of derailment?

Tuesday was another quiet day.

I need to be available in case an urgent response to a particular question is needed but I am becoming more and more puzzled, or possibly less and less concerned, by the discussions that are being held and the issues that are being raised.

We are literally days away from the signing of a major International Contract. Some of the most senior Devils* from Dante's Nine Circles of Hell have ridden in on flaming chariots built from skulls to ensure that this deal gets signed. Taking account of that, do my colleagues really think that the presence or absence of a back to back agreement with a third party vendor or an imprecise definition in a Service Level Objective is going to stop this Juggernaut?

The answer is patently "No". The sales guys are in there doing their stuff and, if they hadn't already, they would be putting their Grand Mothers on eBay to ensure this deal gets closed.

I therefore half listen to the conference calls and deal with my actions, knowing full well that short of finding out that we will be contracted to prepare an army of cloned, killer weasels that will allow our prospective client to take over the world nothing is going to stand in the way of getting this signed.

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* Apparently the Lord Beelzebub himself has become involved to ensure that this "happens"

Not the most significant day of my life

I often write yesterday's Journal entry today ...

... if that makes sense*.

I suppose it is a way of filtering the previous day's events and determining what I consider worthy of jotting down. It is also part of my daily routine; a cup of coffee and a few moments to think about yesterday and whether any of it is worth noting! There are a few days over the past months when I have gone for a Picture Post which suggests that some of my days are somewhat less than exciting.

Monday 11th July was one of those days. On the work front we are waiting for the client to sign up to our contract. If all goes well this will happen in the next week or so. Tigger and I are basically hanging around shuffling papers and generally just being there in case we are needed to answer an urgent question. There are a few tweaks to perform here and there but basically our work is done until the papers get autographed.

I gave Monday some thought and the main thing that seemed to stand out was the following ...

Golfy and I had a discussion which rambled about and then landed on the subject of the Duck Billed Platypus. Apparently they are all called William. I then advised Golfy that they have a poisonous claw and a bifid penis.  He was not impressed with me cluttering his head with further rubbish.

Why is it, that of all the things I did, this is the thing that stuck in my head and why do I know that the Platypus has a poisonous spur and a penis with two heads? I can't remember how old I am some days.

Oh, and we had Haggis for supper.

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* I will write Monday's entry on Tuesday and then "back date" it to Monday's date.

Subdued Day

Sunday was an understandably subdued day.

Spud was buried in the garden. Sausages got made, bacon was salted, dogs got walked.

We will miss the big fellow.

From Good to Bad

30% and I had the weekend to ourselves with TP away on his field trip.

We drew up a list of things we wanted to achieve and the day started with a trip to the Supermarket to offload some dry cleaning and on-board some groceries. Pork was on offer so a couple of Loins were bought to be turned in to back bacon and a couple of leg joints were bought for sausage making.

On the return journey we stopped at Redditch Motorcycles  so that I could collect the Honda after it's MOT. Chris had forgotten to change the oil so I had a pleasant half hour mooching around the workshop shooting the breeze while this was done before I could part with cash and ride it home.

Back home we lunched and then T&M were walked before we took another trip out. This time to Stratford for coffee beans and to arrange for new lenses to be fitted in my specs.

The evening saw us have dinner and settle down to watch a film. As the movie was about to reach it's climax we were disturbed by a loud knocking at the door. We opened the door to find one of TP's acquaintances stood there. He told us that a cat had just been run over outside the house.

It was Potato, better known to us as Spud.

Spud. Autumn 2005 - 9th July 2011

Friday Fun

There is not a huge amount to report from Friday.

TP left for school with a weekend bag as he has a 3 day geography field trip down on Portland Bill studying Coastal Processes. Work was steady; not so quiet that I became bored and not so manic that I had to remain at the key board until late in the evening. This was fortuitous as this evening 30's employer holds a "Family Fun Do" a few miles away at the Rugby Club where TP plays.

This is an outdoor event for employees and their families with free food and soft drinks. There are Dodgems and Tea Cup rides and plenty of "inflatable fun" including the opportunity to take part in Zorb Balling or life sized table football.

It was a pleasant evening and we were joined by Jules who came along to catch up with her old work mates. We also bumped in to the Oranges and Lemons tribe which is always a pleasure and Master O&L gave me the perfect excuse for two outings on the Bumper Cars whilst Mr O&L escorted his younger sister. I have to say that it still remains to be established whether it was I or Master O&L that was steering but, based on leg length, I am fairly sure that it was me depressing the power pedal.

Later in the evening I was briefly abandoned but before I get to that I have take a minor diversion ...

... 30% frequently complains that I walk too fast and of late, with her recent foot injury, I have had to temper my pace. When she is firing on all four cylinders I do tend to walk a little faster than her although I have noticed this does depend on whether we are walking around the Three Miler or whether there  is the possibility of a new hand bag to be added to her collection...

... back at the Rugby Club 30% suggested that we walk over and say hello to a frolleague's wife who we hadn't seen for a good couple of years. So we wandered over and I sat down and started to converse. I then turned my head and saw that 30% and Jules had left a trail of flaming footprints as they had scarpered at an incredible speed towards the table football. I then had an interesting twenty minutes talking to a very nice lady who is, shall we say, a  little fragile and basically very different in outlook and approach to life from me.

Let's just say that a session of polite small talk was hard going and I never did establish what it was that necessitated 30%'s high speed exit.

Trying the patience of a Saint

TP                          Dad, what is Hosiery

Bad Man               It’s French for Socks

pause

TP                          No it’s not!

Bad Man               It’s a collective term for footwear like socks, stockings and tights …. and mittens

TP                          Oh, thanks

30%                       You don’t put mittens on your feet

Bad Man               Would you like to retract that comment in light of the current participants in this conversation?

30%                       frustrated silence followed by grudging acknowledgement

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 8 in an occasional series

30% returned home from work and noticed an Avocado missing from the Kitchen work top. She asked me if I knew of it's whereabouts. I denied all knowledge and so began a quick scout around the house to look for the aftermath of a Canine / Avocado encounter...

... none was found and I could see a glimmer of hope in Marauder's eyes but then 30% went out in to the garden and returned with an Avocado stone found at the centre of the lawn.

30%              What’s this?

Bad Man      A Tortoise Egg ?

Marauder      I ent sayin nuffin!

It was interesting to note that Tyson kept very quiet during this Crime Scene investigation.

Phew

The tooth extraction was nowhere near as bad as I expected it to be.

To be honest my new Dentist didn't do herself any favours at all at the first consultation on Monday. I told her that I was an absolute coward so she reassuringly responded with the following forecast ...

... "Oh don't worry Mr Bad Man. Things will be fine. We'll use plenty of anaesthetic you won't feel a thing"

OK, I'm fine at this point. Well, when I say fine I actually mean that I will reluctantly come back and endure the torture. But the blood crazed lunatic then went on with the following ...

... "On teeth like these, where root canal work has been done, the roots can become brittle and fracture during extraction. If that's the case we may need to just cut the gum, drill in to the jaw bone and there may be a stitch or two". Note the key words here CUT, DRILL, JAW BONE, STITCHES. She should have stuck while she was ahead as not one syllable of that utterance encouraged me to return. I have most definitely not been looking forward to this morning's visit.

Fortunately the extraction was straightforward and apart from the ominous cracking noises it went without a hitch. It is at times like this that I wish I didn't have such a vivid imagination. I also wish that I had the personal restraint that would have prevented me peering at the blood and gore covered pre-molar as it lay on the dentist tray.

It was later in the day that I finally released why dentists are so bloody well off. I bet that thieving git goes to bed every night with a sack full of teeth under her pillow. I further wager that the Tooth Fairy has installed a credit card payment handset rather than lugging a huge bag of money to her house every day. 

An insult from the French ...

The French like to call us "Les Ros Bifs" . Apparently this is an insult.

Well, I have given this matter a little thought and have to say that I am actually quite flattered at being associated with this dish. I think the French should have really taken a little more time to think this through. You see, if you are too busy retreating in the face of danger, having affairs, blocking Channel ports or setting fire to imported produce at the side of a Motorway this is what happens, you end up having your sarcasm back fire and that is not a pretty situation.

To attempt to explain myself we need to go back to the beginning of man's history in the post glacial British Isles. If we peer between the branches of the birch and oak forests that have established since the retreat of the ice we see a magnificent  beast browsing on the herbs and shoots that cover the wood land floor. It is an Aurochs; the ancestor of all modern domestic cattle. This beast stood 2 metres at the shoulder and weighed in excess of a tonne. Comparisons with modern cattle show it to be much heavier in build and with a larger brain...

... and remember, it had two very sharp points at the front end. We are all aware of the reputation that a modern bull has for short temper. Imagine what one of these beasts was like *.

So there we have it; an ancient British Man stood at the edge of a Forest Glade. He picks up his flint tipped spear, wipes a bead of sweat from his brow and takes aim at this large, dangerous animal. With this first kill the British Nation will become forever associated with cutting a chunk off the hind quarters of this beast and  roasting it.

Well Mr Frenchie, as I have just established, first you have to kill the damned thing because they don't tend to shed rump or topside in the same way that apples and nuts fall from trees.

Now lets, tie a few logs together with vines and take a hazardous Journey across the Channel (La Manche) to see what our French Neighbours are up to...

... The sun is shining as we walk through the woods and we come at last to a marshy area, buzzing with insects and high with reeds and rushes. It is hot and humid and there we see the archaic French Man crouched at the edge of a pool. His furs are soaked and covered with a foul smelling mud. His hair is plastered against his forehead. He is bravely hunting the prey for which his future nation will forever be associated ...

... Yes, while your savage Englishman was taking on a huge and fearsome beast with basically a sharp stick, his contemporaries across the Channel were bravely risking life and limb hunting frogs and snails in the French marshes and ponds.

I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions ......

* In the future there may not be a need to imagine. Although the last of these fine creatures was killed in the early 1600s their DNA lives on in modern cattle and there are plans, through selective breeding of archaic stock, to produce something very akin to the Aurochs.

I am guessing ...

... that the Tooth Fairy has a statute of limitations and that I am not going to get any reimbursement for the £49 I forked out at the Dentist today.

Yes, after the Crown fell out last Thursday I popped in the the Dentist for a consultation. It is as I feared and a further appointment has been made for Wednesday morning for an extraction. Apparently there is only so much repair work that a tooth can take and over the years this one has had fillings followed by root canal work before finally being crowned about 5 years ago.

I will, of course, consult with Bad Man Senior* just in case he feels flush and will pop a fiver under my pillow** but I am guessing that my chances are slim to zero.

On the work front I had another argument stone walling session with the Luxembourgers followed by much better luck with the Swiss and the Execs. All of the changes that we have had to make to reduce cost should actually necessitate another Review Cycle. Fortunately I have been keeping the Execs up to speed with VERY SIMPLE slides showing what we have done and VERY CAREFULLY worded e-mails reassuring them that no crimes have been committed. This evening they confirmed that no further review is required which means that the rest of the week should be reasonably steady.

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*   Truly one of the scariest incarnations of the Tooth Fairy in the entire Universe
** This is actually a parental obligation and he needs to be careful as this is verging on Child Neglect

Time for a Haircut

Sunday started at a civilised hour with coffee and toast. Then it was a case of "divide and conquer".

30% took TP over to Rugby Fitness Training whilst I took T&M out for a walk before the day got too warm for them. The walk was fine and we were back in a little over an hour. After rehydrating it was time to break out the Porn Mower and loose some more fluids striding up and down the turf followed by a good forking over the compost heap.

By the time TP and 30% had returned I was finished and had settled my backside on the sofa to watch the Mugello MotoGP. This was never going to happen. To be honest I don't have the patience to sit and watch an hour of bike racing and lunch followed by a kip seemed a more attractive option...

... so that is what I did.

Later in the afternoon I did something that I have been threatening for quite some time but thus far have failed to find the nerve to complete. I gave T&M a lamb clip. To date I have only been brave enough to clip their faces and their feet but the time had come to have a go at their bodies. Both dogs were amazingly patient and within an hour both sported a reasonable attempt at the cut. I will post pictures in the next day or so but I am pleased with my first attempt...

... I am guessing that the dogs are too in view of the warm weather.

Testing, Testing

Saturday started relatively early as 30% had an eye test scheduled for half past nine in Redditch. I had also managed to arrange mine for midday so we planned to spend a leisurely morning Chav Spotting in the Kingfisher Centre when we were not occupied with this....

E

N D

H   C   U

A   O   H   T

D    H    L   E   N

I had also managed to arrange for the Honda to have it's MOT test as I realised that this had expired a week or more ago. Unfortunately realisation dawned mid way through the ride out on Tuesday evening. Oops! 

So I dropped the Bike off at Redditch Motorcycles and then 30% and I popped in to town. There is little more to report on the subject. Chavs were spotted by the score and eyes were tested. I may need a new pair of spectacles but, like the idiot I am, I forgot to take my current glasses in to be checked against the new prescription.

Whilst on the subject of Chavs*, I did wonder whether there was a collective noun for them. I have pondered this for a while and, unless anyone knows any better, I propose "moronical" as in " a moronical of Chavs". If anyone has any better suggestions please feel free to offer them up.

The rest of the day was reasonably relaxed. T&M got walked and then were bathed and brushed. Dinner was served in the garden  and then an evening was spent in front of a film on the TV. All in all a relatively relaxing day.

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* or as Mr Miliband would like to see them; "those for whom social mobility is a fine aspiration"...**
** ... and their response; "uh ?"

Time for the Nuclear Weapons, I think !

Friday came and went.

Most of the day was not particularity noteworthy; calls were held, mails got sent, missing resources were escalated and located. The main focus at present is an exercise to reduce our costs and special mention must go to my colleague in Luxembourg. Let's call him Michel.

Michel is part of our team and his specialisation is in the specifics in Luxembourg. If anything is to happen in Luxembourg Michel is the man to ensure it is properly recorded, that it complies with the appropriate legislation, that it has been through the proper reviews, that it covers every possible eventuality including the sun crashing in to the earth, that it is presented in such a way that it is virtually impenetrable and therefore impossible to scrutinise ...

... are you getting the picture? Thanks Michel, you are the most obstructive,  awkward, uncooperative, vague, stalling Bastard that I have ever had the displeasure to work with.

To give you an idea of what a complete arse hole this man is let me present an example. A couple of weeks ago we noticed that Michel had costs in his project for support of a particular infrastructure requirement. We discussed this with him and pointed out that the latest information, provided by the client clearly indicated that they had none - that is zero, nada, zilch - of this type of infrastructure. This obstructive Fucker still refused to remove the million dollars of cost until I had provided him with written evidence from the Lead in America and then he went through an internal review and challenged the Lead because there was an empty cell rather than a zero in the particular spreadsheet.

I know this looks like I have a personal vendetta against this guy but my feelings are reciprocated at the most senior levels on the Global Project but it is me and Tigger that have the displeasure of dealing with him on a day to day basis.

Today we held a call with all of the team to discuss the need to reduce costs and the time line for  doing so. Good old Michel was his usual self and stood fast against a tide of logic and clear instructions that indicated that he was carrying costs for services we did not need to provide. That Fucker then told us that he was not able to comply with the very tight time scales and deliver by Monday lunchtime. I decided to respond with "that is not acceptable" and a reiteration of the delivery date.

I am also working with the Swiss who had similar errors in their costings but their approach was the exact opposite. They simply said "OK- show us the evidence" and then went away to get everything sorted for the beginning of next week.

At one point in this deal the Luxembourgers were accruing hundreds of thousand of dollars of cost for a  service that was not in scope. There justification was that this was just in case an entirely separate Agreement was at odds with local regulations. How on earth they intended to get the client to sign up to that was never established but it makes you think that as well as being obstructive they might also be bent and stupid too.

I have one final piece of evidence to show what an absolute cock Michel is. He has included over £360,000 dollars of travelling expenses for a country that is no bigger than the average dining table. I have repeatedly challenged the ludicrous assumptions used to come up with this ridiculous figure and have just been stone walled.

I have to say that the longer I think about this situation the more I think that this is a case of profiteering whilst using local legislation to hinder closer scrutiny.

Here we go again

Today I planned to settle down and tidy up some documentation that had been festering in a folder for perhaps too long. Much of the mad rush of the bid cycle is over and I thought I had enough time to make a start on the paperwork.

Tigger has been assigned a project of his own to lead so I have been offering some pointers based on my experiences on this "trial by fire". I am very conscious that Tigger is just as experienced as I am and hope I don't come across as some sort of "know it all" when we both know the truth is so very different.

So there we have it; I am sat on my favourite branch in the wood scratching away with a quill pen whilst Tigger is bouncing from Pillar to Post trying to find out about a project from Chief Shitting Bull and his merry band of Indians...

... and so the day progressed.

All was going well until my tummy started rumbling and lunch was overdue. I attended a couple of calls and they indicated that things were not going well with the client. I think it is fair to say that "Your price has gone up 7% and don't come back until you've fixed it" is a pretty concise definition of a stalled negotiation. From that point forward the mutterings started and needless to say I was sat at the laptop late in to the evening make preparations to see where further costs can be removed.

This is somewhat ironic as we have a new Manager who has just thrown his Teddies out of the Pram about people working overtime without prior approval. He really doesn't have a clue about the nature of the work and is busy setting rules and issuing dictates rather than spending time looking at what people are doing*. My first impression of him was that he looked like a Yes Man in a suit. So far I have seen nothing to suggest that my intuition was off target.


All of this activity was set against escorting 30% on a couple of trips to the local hospital for some tests. They came back "clear" and there is nothing to be worried about. Her injured foot is also on the mend so if she does decide to dress up as a horse she stands less chance of being shot.

To cap it all I managed to loose a crown today so now have a trip to the Dentist to arrange. 

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* His people are trying to win new business to ensure that the Corporation grows and that our competitors do not. This pays his salary and he should start to earn it by supporting them rather than by bitching about having to check expenses.

Picture Post. No. 8

I was talking to one of my work colleagues earlier today and he asked if I had any trips out to the States planned in the near future. His meaning was in association with the current project. "Yes" I quipped and followed up with the fact that we are off on a road trip to Yellowstone at the beginning of August.

I am ready for a holiday. The last occasion I had any time off work was at Easter and that was spent preparing our bedroom for the painters. I can't wait to step out in to that Vegas Sunshine, walk in to Hertz, grab a set of car keys and head out in to the open spaces of the American West.

With that in mind here is another couple of views of the Grand Canyon. It's not on my itinerary this year. If you are interested in that you will just have to wait for a few more weeks.

Not a lot of other news. On the home front we have finally taken 30%'s Nursing Chair over to be restored and reupholstered. It will look lovely once it has been completed and will be positioned in the corner of the bedroom for Eddy to sleep on.

What I have been missing

Today saw Tigger and me take a brief trip down to The Village where we had a few calls, met two new faces on the team and dealt with a couple of nagging irritations.

It was a short day and I was home by half past two for another call and some mails before I was out of the door with T&M for our daily traipse around the three miler. All day I had been keeping an eye on the weather. The forecasts have been somewhat wide of the mark recently and heavy rain had originally been expected. I was hoping they were wrong as I had planned to go out for a ride on my bike.

Work has kept me off my bike for the past month but that has finally eased and the Rain Gods were ignoring Worcestershire and the Costwolds this evening. We had an early supper and then TP and I got kitted up and rode over to Chippy Ian's house. After a brief chat Mick arrived, accompanied by his girlfriend Cheryl on her GSX R600. This evening Deb rode pillion with Ian as we set off towards Broadway before taking the back road towards Winchcombe. We then cut off towards Stanway to collect a new rider; Steve and his partner Emma.

We then headed up on to the top of the hills taking the lanes around Sudeley Castle and Guiting Power. Our ride then took us through Bourton on the Water and over to Burford where we stopped for a drink before returning home through Milton under Wychwood and Stow on the Wold.

It was a beautiful evening and the Cotswolds were a splendid sight of rolling fields of sheep or poppy studded, wheat and barley. The vistas as you reach the tops of the hills or come out of the woods are incredible. The whole of the Gloucestershire and Worcestershire countryside is just laid out in front of you and is an absolute delight..

As I rode I realised that this was probably the first time I had really switched off for the past month. This was a strange thing, it was not that the ride was fast and I had not time to think. In fact it was a very leisurely ride and I had plenty of time to mull things over. It was just that the combination of the bike, the roads and the views occupied my thoughts and the project was put on a shelf and forgotten for a few hours ...

... and that, as they say, is a good thing.