Sofa So Good ...

On the work front we now have  better view of the lie of the land. Our prospective client has decided that the material crap we carefully assembled chucked together  two weeks ago meets their selection criteria and we have been deemed suitable to turn up and deliver a presentation to them on 21st June...

... at this point I am taking a moment to consider how bad any of our Competitors must have been to not make the cut.

So with this additional detail I now know that our Session will be longer than we originally expected and I will now have ten slides to fabricate and present rather than my original five. I have to admit that I am not looking forward to this at all. I thought that there was a potential "get out" as I have a funeral to attend next week but the dates do not coincide ...

... Bugger!

Away from work Bad Man Senior joined* me for lunch today and we had a great couple of hours catching up with each others news. He is quite happy to potter around and play with the dogs** while I work. He seems to enjoy the change of scenery and pace as SMS still works which means that he often only has Tilly for company during the day. Neither of us had anything of great import to impart but we just enjoyed each other's company and he likes to catch up on our latest home improvements.

On the subject of Home Improvements, yesterday evening we popped over to collect a sofa from a local lady who is a bit of a genius when it comes to reupholstery. This cane backed item had sat in our garage for many years but seemed ideal for the landing. After a bit research we managed to buy an upholstery hide from eBay for less than the price of a square metre of decent Upholstery Fabric and so the sofa is now refinished in a beautiful chestnut coloured leather. It now has pride of place on the Landing and fits perfectly against the wall by the window.

We still need to sort out the curtains

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* When I say "joined" I mean "I picked him up" as he has given up his car and rarely drives nowadays leaving that sort of thing to Step Mum Sue (SMS).
** This involves getting them to sit in a line, staring adoringly while he feeds them morsels of Digestive Biscuits. It is no wonder that his Vet recommends that Tilly looses some weight and that I need to walk T&M for at least three miles most days

Carpe (t) Diem

It is Tuesday and procrastination at work would be very dangerous* so I made a start on throwing some ideas in to a PowerPoint Slide Deck. The creative juices were flowing oozing reasonably well and after half an hour or so I had my first subject outlined. I chucked a copy over to Victor to get some feedback and he seemed quite happy so, with that encouragement, I carried on.

Late in the afternoon I knocked off to receive an expected visitor ...

... Last Sunday 30% persuaded me to take time out and nip over to a nearby village where there was an Oriental Rug Sale. If I'm honest I didn't take much persuading as, over the years, I have picked up a few rugs on my travels in Turkey and holidays in Egypt. We both, however, were somewhat cautious with an expectation of encountering a couple of Shady Geezers flogging machine woven, chemically died, mass produced rugs...

We, in fact encountered, quite the opposite; the Host was an established importer with more than 20 years in the Business who certainly knew his stuff. His Carpets ranged from simple runners to massive, intricate pieces that originally graced the interior of nomadic tents. We wandered around admiring his wares but unfortunately the colourways just weren't what we were looking for. He advised that he only had a small portion of his stock on display and had some local deliveries to make later in the week and asked if he could pop in with some carpets that might be more to our decor.

Today he called in and it is fair to say that both 30% and I were gobsmacked by what he had selected. They were truly beautiful, hand woven pieces that had been produced 30 to 40 years ago. After much stroking and standing back to admire the designs we finally settled on a runner for the bedroom and two other rugs for the Lounge and Dining Room.**

Initially they seemed a little extravagant but after being quoted between £425 and £650 to supply and lay a decent quality stair carpet they actually seem incredibly reasonable. 

---

* There is a very real risk that we could be called upon to deliver this Presentation as early as next Monday so we need to have something to waffle in front of.
** Although, being rugs, they can be moved from room to room on a whim

Instead of a title imagine me shrugging ...

Today was a reasonably paced day at work. I had enough to get on with but nothing that needed doing urgently. So I settled down at the desk and made a start; flitting between activities and calls at a leisurely pace. All was going swimmingly until the three o'clock call ...

... After the frenetic activities of the week before last Victor had given me a few days to catch my breath and was now thinking of the next steps. Our prospective new client is a little imprecise on the timelines for this courtship* and there is a fairly strong possibility of us being called in to deliver a presentation at some point during the last two weeks of this month. Let's pause and take stock of that statement ...

... at some point between the 18th and 29th June (that is ten working days) there is a reasonable possibility that an unknown number of employees from Dante's Nine Circles of Hell will be invited to an unknown location ** and be asked to deliver a presentation of an unknown duration on a subject yet to be specified. The more observant amongst you will notice that the word "unknown" appeared a couple of times there. Now I fully understand why Victor wants us to be as prepared as possible and it is a reasonable supposition that our Presentation will be about the range of services we would propose to provide so that has converted one of the "unknowns" to a "probable" but we still don't know when, for how long and how many of us idiots they are prepared to provide tea and biscuits for.

As a result we are knocking up some generic material that can be honed and polished*** once we get our invitation. My problem is that I have been given four slides to draft describing a solution that doesn't exit yet - I kid you not. So far this prospective client has given us some scant information about their operations and asked a huge amount about our capabilities. They have been incredibly light on actual requirements and scope. I am therefore tasked with making some generic nonsense look like I have read their minds and have supreme insight that will solve all their woes...

There is then a reasonable possibility of me having to present and then take questions. Hmmm?

---

* Having said that I have seen far, far worse
** Highly likely to be near Basingstoke
*** the polishing sequence goes; 1) Turd, 2) Sow's Ear, 3) Silk Purse ****
**** 1 and 2 are common enough. 3 is as rare as Rocking Horse shit, which interestingly takes us back to 1.

Warning ...

... for all those thinking of coming to Britain.

As the economic issues in Europe bite deeper still job losses and poverty are now real problems across the Continent. These are dark times in deed and, with no sign of recovery, certain sections of the community are resorting to age old tactics to put bread on the table and keep the wolf from the door.

Thought to be a piece of history it is now apparent that the Highwayman is now making a comeback in parts of the UK and travellers are reporting incidents where  dashing but anonymous, black cloaked, pistol waving felons are holding up vehicles and pedestrians with the shout of "Stand and Deliver". These unfortunates are then having their wallets lightened and their spouses are being subjected to leering glances and mild sexual innuendo*.

In the UK the local authorities are doing their best to warn the public by erecting appropriate signage in high risk areas. This sign, and a number of similar variants, are being installed across the country and you should be on your guard against theft and worse.

Your Money or Your Life

The advice to travellers is to employ burly but friendly locals to accompany you on trips in rural parts. These can be recruited in any local tavern and will be quite willing to provide guard services for a shilling** at most. Feel free to approach any large, brutish looking men in a British Pub and ask them if they fancy a ride out down a dark lane with you. They will be more than happy to help out. For ladies travelling alone all I can suggest is the avoidance of low cut dresses and if the worst happens ...

... swoon.

---

* apparently not always unwelcome
** 5 pence or about 8 US cents

Hello Stranger

Much of June has been a total washout. The weather has been appalling and it feels more like March with the climate controls seeming to be stuck on the rain and cold winds setting. A result of this is that I have only been out on my bike once this year and have been not overly concerned about collecting the Ducati from Moto-vation in Cheltenham.

She has sat in Tim's workshop since the Autumn as, at 12 years of age, it was time for a minor refurbishment to keep her looking her best. After a minor hitch with the engine casing paint she was finally ready for collection today and, as luck would have it, Saturday looks like being the only fine day in this spell of miserable weather.

Once again,Tim had performed his magic and she looked fantastic sat outside the workshop. The engine casings had been re-painted after alloy corrosion had caused the original finish to bubble, the exhaust pipes had been polished and a carbon fibre "Hugger" mudguard had been fitted.

Shiny, shiny

Tim looked slightly concerned when he mentioned that the Hugger was a second hand unit that he had removed from another bike and that I could have it for 40% of the price of a new one. If he hadn't told me I would have never known as it was immaculate. It just goes to show what a decent  chap he is. I finally got around to asking about the bill and that was another surprise ...

... after nine months in his workshop and needing two attempts to get the engine paintwork correct plus an intricate piece of carbon fibre I was expecting, no hoping for, a bill that had three figures rather than four before the decimal point. I was flabbergasted when he presented the invoice and it was less than half of what I hoped it would be.

She is now safely tucked back in the garage, snug under a dust sheet, waiting for the sun to shine.

The rest of the day involved preparations for this evening as 30%'s Mum and Dad were over for dinner; dogs were walked, the house was tidied and food got cooked...

... A fine time was had and we have decided that Blackberry Vodka and Lemonade has the potential to be a VERY dangerous alcopop.

Baby Minding.

Bullshit has been created and I have provided feed back for half of the colleagues that have asked ...

... I am guessing that one of them might have regretted that decision when it comes to having his mid year review. Oh well, if he did fail to provide a deliverable on time* and he did needed to be reminded about it, did he really think that I was going to say that I thought the sun shone out of his arse?

On the work front I have been asked to look after a project whilst a colleague is away on holiday. I have some familiarity with it having done some work on it in the very early stages last year so it is not completely Terra Nova. We have spent a fortune on this piece of work and have still got nowhere near agreeing a contract with the client so the status can be summed up as follows ....

... we are not to spend any more money on this one without the Head Honcho's say so.

---

* it actually arrived a day after we had presented to the client without explanation or apology for the delay.

Back to work

After the long weekend I am back in the office at home catching up after the frantic running around last week in London. I have plenty to fill the next three days but it is nothing compared to last week. I spent the morning wading through Dante's expenses and personnel systems to ensure that I am appropriately reimbursed for my efforts and expenditure...

... It is time for mid-year assessments and the rest of the week will be spent drafting creative bull shit about my activities for the first half of the year and providing feedback on many colleagues who foolishly see me as a soft touch. To be honest most of them will get the glowing remarks they deserve but there are one or possibly two where they might have thought a little longer before putting me down for performance comments.

The rest of the day involved a walk around the Three Miler and the Gods appeared to smile on me as the rain started when I was only a few minutes from home. I therefore managed to avoid a soaking.

After our first day back at work 30% and I were both unanimous in our decision that today was most definitely not the day to give up drinking.

Picture Post No. 16

The main activity of today was to make a start on sorting out my photographic prints. I have a large wooden trunk of them and I started out with the intention of discarding all the poor shots and just retaining the good stuff ... Fat Chance! The revised plan was to throw out all of the duplicates and attempt to label each print pouch with event and approximate date information.

This plan has worked pretty well and I am now about three quarters of the way to completion and have managed to discard a reasonable amount of rubbish. I quite enjoyed the trip down memory lane and, at some point in the future, I will have another go and get the best shots scanned to the hard disk of the Mac.

I had an attempt today and this is the end result.

Bertie

This little fellow is Bertie. The snap was taken sometime around 1994 when I lived in Granby in Nottinghamshire.

In the early evening I had to drag myself away from memory lane as we are off out for a meal in Stratford with 30%'s brother and his good lady.

Catching Up - Again!

As predicted, Saturday night was most definitely a "bit of a do". As a result we were all feeling a little bit "tired" on Sunday. The miserable weather didn't particularly encourage us to do anything and consequently the only significant achievements were a trip to the Supermarket and I started a cure of a piece of Belly Pork.

The weather on Monday was  a vast improvement. The rain clouds had cleared and it was definitely a day for getting stuff done. After breakfast I prepared the veg for an enormous batch of Pea & Ham soup and left it simmering while I trundled over to Chippy Ian's to pay my debts and fill up the Defender with diesel.

Back at home we lunched and then TP and I did a reasonable impersonation of Removal Men. The surplus Sofa was removed from the lounge and put in the garage to await collection by the Charity shop. The smaller Sofa was moved from the "to be" Dining Room and positioned to replace the now redundant settee in the Lounge. The huge arm chair was moved from the Dining Room to the Office but that too may be headed to the Charity Shop too as it is way too large. Its only chance of reprieve is if the Dining Room can accommodate it ... I doubt it. The pine trunk was given a long overdue wax polish and was positioned on the Landing and the Dining Room is now starting to look semi-cleared*.

I then nipped out for a walk around the Three Miler with T&M before mowing the lawn. The weather is forecast to be dreadful this week and it looks like today would be my only chance to give it a trim. Once that was done it was time for a long overdue G&T before Bad Man Senior and Step Mum Sue arrived for Dinner.

30% had done us proud with a beautiful leg of lamb and it was great to see SMS in such good form as she has had what must be a very stressful week after the loss of her Father the previous Sunday. BMS was his usual incorrigible self and did much as he pleased including his usual "crime" of feeding all three dogs with scraps from the table. Dad and Sue did not stay late and 30% and I settled down for a little late night television whilst TP disappeared off to the see the Jubilee Beacon and the fireworks. On his return he informed us that he had been selected to carry the torch on the final leg of the Journey up to the top of the hill before handing it to the Beacon Lighter.

---

* The only problems that the remaining items are those fiddly things that take forever to sort and store. You know what I mean; photographs, CDs, ornaments and treasures. These all need to be found a permanent home or be discarded and that is not a five minute job.

The Elephant in the room

I was woken on Saturday morning by the smell of fresh coffee and the chimes from the clock told me that it was somewhere around nine*. 30% had brought me up a cup and I took my time getting out of bed. I can quite honestly say that I have not slept as soundly as I did last night for a very long time.

We had nothing strenuous planned for the day but were out in the evening for dinner with James Bond and Moneypenny. Rosie & Jim would be joining us too so and without doubt it would be a "bit of a do".

The morning saw a trip over to see Pinky and a browse around a carpet shop looking for something suitable for the stairs. The afternoon saw a wander around the Three Miler and a spruce up in preparation for the evening out ...

...and so I turn to the title of today's entry. This weekend is four days in length due to the late Spring Bank Holiday plus the additional Bank Holiday in celebration of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Now I am all for the Queen in that the alternatives are too horrific to think about ... A Presidency, for Christ's Sake! Just think about who we might get ... President Blair, Branson or Sugar ... every single one makes me cringe at the thought so I am quite happy with QE2 and, for that matter, any of her offspring sitting up there with a shit load of cash as an hereditary figure head and ensuring that the aforementioned avaricious and rather tawdry figures and their ilk can get no further than the House of Lords at best.

Having said that the Queen figures in my life not a lot more than I figure in hers.** We both tend to go about our respective business with little thought of the other. This leads me on to thoughts of celebrating the Jubilee. To me it is all a little odd as what we appear to be celebrating is the anniversary of someone doing their job. This "someone" is famous but remote and well known for disclosing virtually nothing of their thoughts or opinions. As a result all this flag waving and hoo-ha leaves me rather puzzled. What the hell are we actually celebrating? It seems to be the most ill defined theme for a party ever. The Elephant in the room is a subject that everyone knows about but no-one is willing to discuss. The Jubilee seems to be the "anti-elephant" as every seems to be discussing it but is it really there?

If you think it is please feel free to give me a concise and meaningful definition of the Jubilee element of your celebration.

Here's a final thought; if you had spent the past 60 years in a job how would you feel if the rewards was four full days of "more of the same". If I was Regent I'd tell them to get stuffed and spend the four days sat on the sofa in my pants.

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* After 250 years it looses a little time but it is generally "close enough"
** Unless, of course, she is the regular reader in London with a Covent Garden IP address

What a week

It has been a very intense few days. Our Document needed to be completed, reviewed, printed and submitted in an electric and hard copy format to our prospective client by Friday. I think it fair to say that on Tuesday this looked like trying to win the Tour de France on a three year old's tricycle. This is how the week went ...

Tuesday
On Tuesday I hauled my backside out of bed at six in the morning and 30% kindly dropped me at the Station in Evesham to catch the 6.50 in to Paddington. All being well, I should have been in the Office and typing plausible bullshit by half past nine. That was without the superb service provided by The London Underground. A journey that should have taken no more than twenty five minutes took me the best part of ninety and involved a diversion down the Victoria line to Stockwell, two separate trains on the northern Line got me almost back on track at Waterloo where I finally managed to join the Jubilee line for my destination of Southwark.

It is going to be chaos down there when an extra quarter of a million people are trying to use an already at  capacity system in an attempt to reach Olympic venues. I envision a scene like something from a post-apocalyptic movie where hostile, dead eyed natives with strange tribal markings prowl the tunnels feeding on the corpses of naive intruders in to their domain. To be honest its not far from that now.

The working day ran well in to the evening and it was eleven before I was checked in to my hotel and realised that I must change my profile in the travel tool as I was allocated a smoking room. I have smoked in seven or eight years and this was not a welcome end to a long day.

Wednesday
Wednesday started with me reaching the office a little after seven. I spent the entire day formulating client friendly responses about Dante's capabilities. There are a team of four or five of us doing this and each day is the same; we draft for most of the day then we review the latest iteration of the document and then we allocate the next batch of questions to be completed for the following day.

I actually managed to get back to the hotel for a late supper at around ten o'clock but there was a further hour at the keyboard before I crawled in to bed and slept the disturbed sleep of the wired person in a strange bed.

Thursday
This was "the big one"; our response needed to be delivered to the client by midday on Friday so today we needed to fill in all of the gaps, review as far as was humanly possible and then send it over for final formatting and printing.

Again I was in the office by seven with twice as much to complete today as I had managed yesterday. Breakfast and lunch were purchased from local shops and a pizza appeared on my desk at some point in the early evening. The only other breaks were frequent trips to the coffee machine to keep my frazzled brain functioning. By eleven in the evening I was just about there and my work was fired over to the individual compiling the document. A few last minute hitches and delays meant that it was a little after twelve before we wandered in to a conference room to view the results projected on to a screen.

At this point I should state that this was not as bad as it sounds and I have learnt a huge amount over the past week, not only about how to manage this process but also about Dante's capabilities and how to sell them to a client. I wouldn't mind doing another one of these ...

... not any time soon and definitely with a modified approach to the management of the task.

By now Thursday had become Friday and our night continued scanning page ofter page for obvious errors. We finished at around four in the morning and it was a cab back to the hotel for a couple of hours sleep.

Friday
The couple of hours sleep was awful. I was wired and tired and felt like I had the worst case of jet lag. I eventually fell asleep to wake ahead of the alarm at around seven o'clock. I packed and checked out of the hotel bumping in to Victor at the hotel reception.

Fatigue meant that neither of us had any desire for communication and we strap hung in silence as we headed back to the office.

Fortunately our work was done and all we were waiting for was the Publishers to complete the formatting of the document. Once they had finished we sent the file over to the printer to produce the hard copy and loaded an electronic version on to the Client's response dashboard ... by half past ten we were done and I was heading back towards Paddington for a train home.

30% collected me from the station accompanied by T&M and I sat in the back being enthusiastically greeted as only dogs can.

Once home it was back to bed for a an hour's kip in an attempt to feel slightly more human. I'm not sure that it worked but I was so looking forward to climbing back in to my own pit later that evening.

More Words

Today the main task at work has been to draft answers to a prospective client’s questions. This is something that I have not done before and I am finding it heavy going. The reason for this is that I am quite able to throw a few sentences together to produce a reasonable paragraph of bull shit conveying the corporate “we can do anything” message but I have no idea whether Victor wants this or something more technical.

I have therefore been passing my output over to him for comment. He seems reasonably happy but does like to tweak here and there. I am also aware that anyone with half a brain reading my responses will know that there may be many words but they don’t actually seem to say a lot. Maybe that the issue; perhaps the client just wants some clear high level “we can do that because… “ statements.

I should have really spent more time at the laptop today but this evening we are out for 30%’s father’s 70^th Birthday dinner so today has been planned to ensure that dogs get walked, work gets done, a suitcase gets dragged from the garage and packed and three days growth gets removed from my chin all before quarter past seven in the evening.

Weekend Round Up

Unfortunately I had a lot of work material to review in advance of next week so both Saturday and Sunday morning was spent in front of the laptop poring over questions and answers identify the all too many gaps. By lunch time on Sunday I had worked out the outstanding items that were within my remit and had sent out an urgent mail to the team to chase for the missing information.

To be honest I don’t have a great deal of confidence that I will get a response as the underlying theme of this project has been one of general indifference to the task. Absolutely every request has to be repeated and chased to get a response and when that arrives it generally has the appearance of being thrown together. It is apparent that no thought or effort has been applied to produce a product suitable of being put in front of a prospective client.

I’m not looking forward to next week as I will be chained to a desk in an office attempting to polish this turd. I am guessing there will be very late nights.

I was resolute that I would not work all weekend and Saturday afternoon saw me wobbling on a step ladder installing the new light in the Office. 30% and I then loaded yet another redundant piece of furniture on to the trailer and delivered it to a grateful friend in need of storage solutions.

Sunday afternoon saw the general de-cluttering continue and this time TP and I loaded up the trailer for a run to the local tip. The large pile of prunings has now disappeared and a monstrous 28” CRT TV made a long overdue trip to join many companions in a skip at the recycling centre.

Next on the list is a spare sofa to the local Charity shop but that can wait until work quietens a little.

TP and I also attempted to do a little tidying up in the garden but the heat made the simplest task exhausting and our hearts really weren’t in it. Eventually we were forced to stop and drink beer instead.

It's not getting any better

Today I finally managed to break away from the hard sums and instead, I wish I could say for light relief, took a look at the words we are proposing to set in front of the prospective client. Hmm, these are just as bad as the figures.

Our numbers have been concocted based on a reasonably factual figure. When I say factual I actually mean factual for a precise set of circumstances. We have then made a number of assumptions and applied a wide variety of ratios to this original figure to present a price for a completely different set of circumstances ...

... this is the outsourcing equivalent of knowing the price of eggs in America and making up  a set of calculations to present the price of a rasher of bacon in Australia.

Anyone can see that this is, and there is no other word for it, "Complete Bollocks" and having read the words I can advise that much of them are no better too. I am truly astounded by the lack of Proposal writing material at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell or perhaps it is more the lack of knowledge of where to access it.

Next week is going to be a nightmare as I am going to be stuck in a London office until late o'clock every evening panicking as we try to fill gaps and polish this turd. Thank God it needs to be issued by midday on Friday, at least the end is in sight.

Today was also the day that we would be advised whether we would be down-selected on the monstrous deal that I had been working for the best part of six months. Unfortunately the prospective client has mad!e significant changes to the scope and advised that although we were very capable and scored highly we were not selected to proceed ...

... Oh Bugger!

The Sales Exec for that failed bid called to offer commiserations and advise that it was certainly nothing to do with the parts we had managed. He is such a nice Guy and I really hope I can find something to work on with him very soon.

First Ride Out

Work was very much more of the same. Victor is so keen to get this finished and in the best possible state that he took the day off to accompany his wife to the Chelsea Flower Show leaving me to run with stuff ...

... Cheers Mate!

I therefore did what was needed, knocked off promptly at five o'clock, threw a light snack down my neck, hauled the Honda from the garage and took her out for the first run of the year. I met up with Chippy Ian and we went out on the A44 towards Broadway before heading out to Chipping Camden and climbing in to the Cotswolds to explore the narrow lanes around Ilmington and Hidcote. It was a beautiful evening and the Cotswolds were splendid in their late Spring apparel of greens and yellows. The evening haze impacted the distant views somewhat but it was still a lovely ride out.

The trip home involved the mandated pub visit and we stopped at the Sandys Arms in Wickhamford. This was a peculiar halt as I spent the first 22 years of my life living no more than 400 yards from this pub but had never had a drink there. I had visit the off-sales hatch many times in my childhood to buy a bottle of R Whites Cherryade and crisps but this was my first ever venture inside...

... well all I can say on that front was that I am glad I hadn't planned a special visit out there. They sell alcohol and soft drinks there is nothing else of merit. If you are looking for a Country Pub  there are plenty better within easy reach.

The off-sales hatch was still there but now obstructed by a passage way filled with redundant pub ephemera. I cant believe that I used to be so small that I could barely reach the counter.

W is for Wednesday ...

... W is for War Room.

Today Tigger and I were imprisoned against our wills in a very small cell and forced to do hard sums.

Highlight of the day was when Victor asked "if Tigger is doing the sums, what are you doing?" and my witty riposte was "Well I can always fuck off and do something else!".

It is fair to say that we are deep in the shit and only Tigger has a legitimate escape with his preplanned Golfing Granny Pulling escapades in Torquay next week. I have to stay here an do the hours until Friday 1st June when we deliver what ever we have pulled together to our prospective client.

Victor is expecting "Bells & Whistles" the realist in me is thinking more along along the lines of "no gaps and very few spellign misktakes".

It is at this point it is probably worth stating that our bid budget is miniscule and with the $50 available Victor wants our finished product to be a leather bound illustrated manuscript with the odd titillating picture here and there.  He is more likely to get something that looks like a Fourth Formers Jotter...

... so at least he stands a chance of a smutty sketch.

It Lives!

Today has been pretty much like yesterday apart from the fact that I worked from home.

The Sales Exec's view of progress is "not in good shape". That review was about as helpful as "don't run with scissors" * ...

... For Fucks Sake! I know it is not in good shape that is why I am asking him for clear guidance not some cheerful waffly bollocks that gets me absolutely fucking nowhere. This Exec is a nice guy but he is not too hot on the management aspect and I am guessing that this may well be new territory for him too.

Anyway, from now on he will be called Victor as in V is for Victor, V is for Vague amorphous bullshit spouting know-it-all.

Putting work to one side I took T&M for a walk around a very sunny Three Miler and then wandered in to the garage with the keys to the Honda ...

... Chippy Ian had rung yesterday and, after telling me how much I owed him for fixing our stairs, he suggested a ride out on Thursday - If I could still afford to buy petrol. The Honda had sat through the winter connected to a battery charger and fired up on the third or fourth attempt. Looks like I'll be finishing work at five o'clock prompt on Thursday.

It also looks like I'll be mowing the lawn this evening as I can't use tinkering with my bike as an excuse not to.

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* as in "tell me something I don't know"

Making Up the Numbers*

Today Tigger and I trundled in to the nearest Circle of Hell for the latest scintillating phase of our project...

We have already spent many happy hours coercing reluctant SMIs in to providing us with barely literate product descriptions when the prospective client actually wants honed prose that makes our products look like one simply cannot survive in Business without them!

Now we have to come up with some Rough Order of Magnitude Pricing to make them look attractive too. You know the sort of thing ... not so cheap that it looks like we are using a scabby monkey with one arm in a sling to support their systems and not so expensive that it appears that we have employed Steven Hawking as a Console Operator.

What a shitty day it has been ... and to make matters worse the Sales Exec has lined me up to present "our" findings to to the EMEA Sales Director on Wednesday. Needless to say the aforementioned Exec didn't actually bother to give any clear guidance until last Friday and certainly didn't ask me if I thought we would be anywhere near ready on Wednesday ...

... I don't.

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* The working title for this entry was "I am so screwed". The only glimmer of hope is that the last Project may recommence in earnest on Friday 28th and I get dragged back to work on that one**
** it is amazing that a Frying Pan / Fire scenario actually looks attractive at present.

Catching Up

Hmmm ... It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that the past few days have been quite busy and, as is usual when work is intense, I do my best to avoid a keyboard when I can. As a result I find myself sat in front of the TV on Sunday evening trying to remember what I have been up to since last Monday's entry.

Tuesday: How not to do it
Tuesday was another day of frustration as information failed to flow in. Late in the day our first set of responses arrived and I realised that one of the main reasons why I was feeling somewhat out of control was that my method of tracking progress was not the most the most efficient. I am sure I have mentioned that I have never carried out this type of task before and the short timescales have not allowed much time for planning, mentoring or reflection. As a result our "tracker" is a combination of document and spreadsheet. This is most definitely not the way to do it and I now know that the only way to do this efficiently is to spend time up front building a decent spreadsheet to detail all of the information that needs to be collated. Owners, responses and therefore progress can then be easily managed ...

... Oh well, I'll know how to do it properly next time.

Wednesday: T&M Get A Haircut
There is nothing much to say about work on Wednesday, "more of the same" sums it up quite neatly. The Idiot Manager showed himself to be a lazy sod by asking both Tigger and me for a copy of the same document and steadfastly refusing to actually contact the person that actually owns the document. The reticence on his part puzzles me but it is apparent that whatever the reason he sees no issue with taking up the time of busy people rather than going direct to the source. He could be shy but I think it more likely that he is just trying to flex his managerial muscle ... In his case this is an atrophied appendage much like your or my appendix.

Away from work T&M receive their first professional clip of the year and arrived home in the early afternoon looking very smart indeed.

Thursday: An Early Start
Today I was out of the door at quarter to six as I needed to be at a hotel near Basingstoke for a Briefing Session with our prospective client at nine o'clock. I was somewhat apprehensive as this is new territory for me but it went well, my questions were well received and my input to the follow up sessions at our nearby Circle of Hell seemed to hit the right spot too. It was a long day and I was very glad of the G&T when I finally walked through the door at half past seven.

Friday: Another Day in the Office
Again I had to climb in to the Defender but today I only had to trundle in to the Nearest Circle of Hell. The Sales Exec had finally got around to making his mind up on how he wanted to provide the client with sample pricing. I had been pushing for guidance on this for several days and I think it fair to say that I am not best impressed with having a fucking huge amount of work dumped on me and also being set up to present my "findings" to a Sales Director next Wednesday... For Fucks Sake - this is so bloody complicated it will take me a week to get my head around it let alone make up some numbers. It looks like Tigger and me will be back in the office next Monday.

In the evening we went over to see Paul Merton's Out of My Head show at Warwick Arts Centre. This was not your normal Stand Up routine and it saw Paul and a company of three other actors perform a Review type show based around the start of his career and a brief spell in a psychiatric hospital after suffering an extreme adverse ration to anti malarial pills. It was not crammed with belly laughs but it was funny and innovative when compared to most "comedy acts". There were several special effects performed where the cast were dressed in black and performed against a carefully lit black background to make them invisible; the squadron of white rabbits re-inserting Paul's brain to the Dam Busters theme tune was quite surreal.

Saturday: A Change of Pace
After a manic week at work I decided to try to forget about it for a while. This morning TP and I popped out to pick up a few vital items for his Duke of Edinburggh Award overnight hike that he will be undertaking on Sunday and Monday. He now has all his camping odds and sods and we also managed to buy a new pair of school shoes without argument too. This is amazing occurrence as he usually seems to have problems grasping why I am reluctant to buy him a pair of £100 high fashion items so that he can play football in them and have the toes scuffed by the end of the second day of ownership. ...

 ...needless to say the shoes were a lot less than £100 but I am not sure that my threats will prevent the playing of playground soccer.

The afternoon saw a trip over to Alcester to visit the food fair. It was a great afternoon out as the High Street had been closed to traffice and about a hundred stalls had been erected selling a wide variety of tasty treats. There were a lot of variants on the theme of chilli sauce but amongst the chaff there was wheat and a fine pork pie and some amazing sausages came home with us along with some fab nibbles to go with a gin and tonic...

... Olives anyone?

The evening saw TP's rucksack packed in preparation for tomorrow's hike.

Sunday: A Change of Plan
Today started early as TP and a couple of his mates needed to be dropped off at school by eight thirty for the start of their two day hike. Back home I breakfasted and then took T&M for a walk around the Three Miler.

On my return the plan was to deliver a large and surplus glass fronted cabinet to a friend but it was a case of "hangover* stopped play" so 30% and I lunched and then popped in to town for a few necessities before I retired to the sofa for a much needed kip.

I then spent a couple of hours with a laptop on my lap trying to get a headstart on next week, followed by another hour with the iPad typing this drivel...

... way too much typing and thinking for a Sunday if you ask me.

 --- 

* the friend's, not mine

Familiar Faces

Monday was pretty awful awful day at work. I am not at all comfortable with the role I have been asked to fill and the man in charge doesn't seem overly keen on giving direction. I therefore feel like I am getting nowhere and that is made worse by the fact that I also don't really know where I am supposed to be going. The net result is frustration and dissatisfaction. It is probably best if I leave it at that.

Away from work I spent some time pottering on the Landing and put these fellows up on the wall. They have been tucked away in a box for far too long and it is great to see them staring out. They might not be everyone's cup of tea and also might seem strange in a 1750's house but we think they look great and really seem to work in the space.

Bottom Right reminds me of a former Boss