Still Stalled

Tuesday continued in a very similar vein to Monday* ...

... the crunched numbers were given further analysis so that we truly knew that we are in the shit rather than, more sensibly, working on a plan to get us out of the aforementioned excrement. At one point in the day I had a brief discussion with the Sales Exec and I candidly mentioned that I was at a loss to see where we were headed with this analysis. I was somewhat taken aback that he admitted that he wasn't clear either. I need to stress that my surprise was at the fact that he admitted this to me, as his actions and statements have been lacking direction and leadership for a good few weeks.

The lack of a plan has meant that I have refused to work stupid hours each day. I can see no point in doing crazily long days when, for the moment, we are stood around looking at a bloated corpse of a deal. As a result I have made sure that I have taken an hour out the day to walk T&M around the Three Miler. On that subject all I can say is "Christ, it is bloody cold out at the moment" with bitterly cold winds and snow flurries coming in from the Continent.

Towards the end of the day a conference call was held with some senior interested parties and, as usual, they all stood around and poked the corpse with a stick hoping to make it ooze. At an opportune moment I took to the stage and outlined an action that might get the numbers in to better shape. Basically we need to remove cost and there is only one way that this can be done. The SMIs will get nowhere taking resources out of their solutions because they don't have the on the ground knowledge to know whether they are removing fat or cutting out critical organs. We need to have the Delivery Executive involved to sanction each and every head that we remove from the solution. As a result it looks like I will be having a long day in London on Thursday.

It was an early dinner this evening as 30% and TP headed out with the ukulele to see Doctor Dave. I filled this time crunching further numbers and chatting the the Sales Exec. At about half past eight the two returned with smiles on their faces ...

... apparently the volume control had failed and Dr Dave had simply bypassed the control making the ukulele reliant on the amplifier for adjustments. This is great news as the deadline for submitting this project is rapidly approaching and short of getting a new control box I was at a loss to help him.

---

*Apart from not having a trip to the Artrix in Bromsgrove to see Marcus Brigstocke's Brig Society tour. It was basically Brigstocke telling us that he was a posh bloke, but not as posh as David Cameron or Gideon George Osborne and how the Big Society concept hadn't really worked. I have to say that it was "OK" and raised a few laughs but, as a set, it didn't really hang together particularly well and I saw similarities to Mark Thomas' Peoples Manifesto concept so question the originality. The biggest laugh of the night was given to a member of the audience who told Brigstocke he was a Fudge Packer in response to an enquiry about his occupation. Sorry Marcus, it was funny but only 6/10 funny.

Stalled

Monday started with a very early call to the EMEA Sales Exec. I explained about my inability to prepare for a major review and attend his escalation call at one and the same time and he finally, but briefly, grew a pair of balls and informed me that I should cancel the review. It has taken this bleeding idiot the best part of a week to make this decision despite having arguments and evidences piled in to his in-box. On Saturday evening I even gave him a specific action to let me know one way or another by Sunday evening ...

... and yet I still find my self talking to him before I have even had breakfast today. What a Prick!

The day rumbled on and the reason for the current situation is that the costs are too high, the client wouldn't accept them, and there are contractual terms we are unlikely to be able to deliver so the Delivery Organisation will not accept them either.  For some peculiar reason the EMEA Sales Exec is only focussed on reducing cost and seems to ignore the fact that Delivery will not approve the solution.

As a result of this I have spent my day extracting and comparing cost figures to give him a detailed view of how bad the cost situation is. From my perspective this isn't really telling us anything we don't already know. It is just wasting time telling him that we are precisely £347,281 up in a certain area rather than about three hundred "K".*

 At present we are stalled with an inability to turn costs in to a compelling price and a Delivery Organisation that does not view the solution favourably. To get this machine** moving again we need to reduce costs and garner approval from our Delivery teams. His role is to pull together advice from all parties and put a high level plan and set of actions together to achieve that.

Piss arsing around with a spreadsheet of doom is not going to help!

---

* This is an example and not the magnitude of the real problem. Please believe me when I say that are cost increases are SO much  worse than this.
** Do not be thinking "finely tuned racer" instead one should picture a rust ridden heap that has just spluttered to a halt outside the Scrap Yard.

I wish he had chosen to make a table

I wandered through Sunday periodically checking my e-mail in the hope that the Sales Exec would see sense and cancel tomorrow's review call. The time not spent in front of the laptop was passed undertaking normal domestic duties ...

... first order of the day, after a Mother's Day breakfast of eggs in various guises, was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M. Upon my return all three of us gathered to bath the dogs. 30% and TP were on bathing duties and I was responsible for toweling them dry.

Next job was to complete final assembly of TP's electric ukulele. TP soldered the various components together and a single string was strung for testing purposes. The mini guitar was plugged in to his practice amp and we were rewarded with a significantly louder plink, plink, plink from the plucked string. Encouraged, we inserted the volume and tone controls in to the body and retested ...

... Nothing, Fuck! Well that is not wholly true, varying the tone or volume controls on the ukulele did have an audible affect on the amp's natural background hum so we knew that some form of connection was there but there was no sound. After a fruitless hour of connection checking it was time to call in an expert and a friend of 30%'s Dad will have a look at it on Tuesday evening. He has had a lifelong involvement with guitars; playing, building and selling. Fingers are crossed that this is an easy fix.

Frustrated by my inability to create sound from a lump of Mahogany, I retired to a freezing garage to sulk. The results of this session were the box components for a glazed, box frame I have designed to display the Spear Heads we acquired at Littleton Auctions a few weeks ago.

The box is basically a ply and softwood construction with the sides rebated to hold the base. The corners are screwed and glued but joints. It was assembled in the warmth of the house and now sits in the corner of the office drying. The next stage will be to line the box with tan coloured kid leather as a background for the spears. Then it will simply be a matter of mounting the spear heads, fixing the box to the back of glazed frame and chucking it on to the wall.

As the evening wore on I checked my e-mail one last time and noticed that the Sales Exec had invited me to a call early tomorrow when I really should be preparing for an Executive review call. The call he had set up had the potential to start to sort out the mess we are in but he hasn't made the decision to cancel my review call.

As a result I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and will need to make some very early calls in an attempt to rectify his cock ups.

Ignoring the Life Ring!

As we tucked in to a Chinese takeaway the 'phone rang. We ignored it and allowed the answerphone to do it's job ...

... it was the EMEA Sales Executive wondering if I could take a call this evening with him and the Pricer. I returned the call and grudgingly agreed to have a call at eight thirty. At the appointed hour I dialled in to his conference bridge and we started to discuss this train wreck of a deal. He was concerned about the increase in price over our last presentation in December last year and I was forced to remind him of a few conveniently forgotten facts ...

... Basically this deal wasn't properly solutioned when HE first led it in 2009 and then last year there was some cavalier scrubbing of cost to make the price point dictated by the client. Now we are being asked to provide a firm price it has been necessary to re-insert those costs to ensure Delivery capability. Like all Salesmen he really doesn't want to  go in with a high price and I can actually understand his position but my job is to protect Delivery and the only way I can cut cost is to reduce scope and that aint yet happening.

A short way in to the call it was decided that we should get the Lead Sales Exec involved and so the call became Transatlantic in nature...

... After doing our very best to get the American Sales Exec up to speed* he realised that there was no way the Client would sign up to our new price when the current price was far more palatable and contractually committed until the back end of 2016. He repeatedly stated that he would like to cut out the EMEA part of the bid so that we could go away and put something together that was an attractive Business proposition.**

This was our Get out of Jail Card. This would stop the train on the very edge of the collapsed canyon bridge. Would our EMEA Sales Exec take this gracious offer ?

Oh No. The stupid dithering idiot still wants to go through reviews that will fail and result in a price that is around twelve million dollars higher than it is today, rather than taking a few weeks and doing the job properly as opposed to chucking it together in 4 days flat.

---

* A monumental task for he literally hasn't a clue about the EMEA Services or Solution
** i.e. Cheaper for them, Deliverable for us

Taking a gulp of air

It has been nearly a fortnight since I put "pen to paper" and the reason for that is twofold; firstly after a twelve or thirteen hour day stuck in front of a laptop the last thing I have wanted to do is spend even more time pecking at a keyboard and secondly, the ins and outs of a badly assembled IT Services Outsourcing deal is never ever going to be fun reading.

Fundamentally I have spent most of the last fortnight stuck in my office with a 'phone stuck to my ear on back to back conference calls. At the same time I have been trying to communicate with a team of frustrated SMIs via hastily assembled emails and poorly spelled instant messages. It is fair to say that it has all been pretty shitty. The time line for this deal means that I am assembling a solution and costs whilst the requirements are still being negotiated and that means that  a) my solution is not going to align with what the client want and b) my solution may well not align with the contract finally agreed and that well mean that the Delivery Guys will be deep in the shit if this ever signs!

The Sales team are ignoring our carefully constructed arguments and solid reasons to stop, take a breath and do things properly and, as time has gone on, things are starting to unravel as the issues that have been ignored finally come to a head.

This sounds awful and I have to say that I am not really having fun but it is nowhere near as stressful as I had expected it to be. I think I have finally realised that this isn't worth getting worked up about. Basically what happens is I follow the process until we get to the eleventh hour. At that point I have a solution which is probably about 80 - 90 % acceptable with a few objectionable features that prevent a contract being agreed. At the eleventh hour a review happens, the objectionable features are exposed and an Exec somewhere starts shouting. People then start running around and all of the objectionable features either get accepted or forced in to a contract...

... and that basically is another deal completed.

To be fair last weekend was reasonably free but I did put in a couple of hours on Saturday and Sunday to keep on top of things.* I was unwilling to tie myself to the laptop for the sake of my own sanity and, more importantly, last weekend we were joined by a young visitor...

... Joe spent a couple of days with us while his Mum was in hospital for a scheduled operation. It has been quite a while since we had a "nearly eight" year old in the house and I have to say that he was an absolute pleasure. He ate like a horse, drank tea by the bucket full and  was willing to just join in and go along with our weekend agenda. After TP's teenage grunts and monosyllabic nature an eight year old's chatter and questions were quite refreshing.

This weekend has only just started and one of the first things I did was get outside and walk T&M. The long days of this week have meant that I literally have not stepped outside the boundaries of The Pile and TP has been on dog walking duties. It was nice to be outside in the fresh air but if I am honest work did keep creeping back in to my head as I wandered around the Three Miler.

I returned to an empty house as TP had headed in to Worcester and 30% was spending the day with Jules at a Spa in Malvern. I therefore settled down at the laptop to finalise my presentation for Monday's eleventh hour review before lunch. The afternoon saw a fire get lit and a small repair was performed on TP's electric ukulele...

... I think it will be a takeaway for supper tonight.

---

* This is not actually true. There is no way you can keep on top of things at the pace these deals run. All you can do is hope and pray that you focus on the right emails at the right time. To give some idea of the pace, a standard day will have six hours of scheduled conference calls plus impromptu discussions in the gaps between. There will be one or more contract schedules to review and comment against and these can be eighty pages in length. Finally, there are the technical issues of the actual solution that need to be addressed to. I just prioritise and pray I don't get caught out.

Long days ...

The past few days have been very long and can mostly be described as back to back telephone calls with the odd interval where I can take a pause for breath.* I am forced to extend the working day in to the evening to clear the incessant flood of urgent e-mails.

I attempt to multi task on conference calls and handle instant messages and mails but have to be honest and say that I am kidding myself if I am taking in the conversations that rattle on in the background in the background.

This is not the way to deliver a quality product and, without a doubt, something important is going to be missed from our project.  As a result I am attempting to ensure we keep on track and that my arse is covered when it all goes tits up.

T&M are also disgusted as we only managed to make it out for a walk on Tuesday.

---

* There have been a couple of occasions where a cordless 'phone with a mute button has allowed me to take a pee during a two and a half hour call.

I'm not sure Dante's is very good at this!

Monday was my first day back at work and from first impressions it didn't look like anything much had happened whilst I was away. The tasks I had asked to be progressed had been shuffled forwards, never as far forward as I would have hoped, but at least they had gone in the right direction. However the final requirement information I was waiting for was still not available.

I spent the day catching up on progress, linking up with colleagues and clearing the backlog of email. Late in the day, about an hour before I needed to finish to take TP to the dentist, I attended a call in preparation for tomorrows face to face with the client. As the call progressed it rapidly became apparent that the timescale for this project had been reduced from a highly challenging and extremely risky fortnight to about a week and a half ...

... and to make matters worse that "week and a half" starts today even though I don't have final requirements.

I took TP off to the dentist and considered various tactics to get Executive support for this nightmare, whilst I got a close up view of just how deep the roots are on a lateral incisor.* It was then a case of a hurried narrative of 30%'s day, supper and a further couple of hours in front of the laptop, including a chat with the UK Sales Exec, catching up on the time I lost carrying out out Paternal Duties.

The next couple of weeks are going to be Hell but I suppose the positive view is that it is only two weeks rather than four!

---

*CRINGE!

Always read the fine print

Once Sunday stared rolling 30% subtly made it clear that she quite fancied a trip down to Bath to view a car she had found on a dealer's website. As a result I got the dogs walked early and by eleven we were ready to set off down the M5 ...

... for some strange reason the drive down seemed to take forever and if I hear that bloody Sat Nav say "in point six miles take the second exit off the roundabout" I swear I will launch the damned thing through the window.*

We eventually arrived and had a look around the vehicle. On first inspection it appeared to be in great condition with a low mileage and the interior looked beautiful with the Baseball Leather seats that attracted 30% to it in the first place. I took a peek under the bonnet and noticed that the engine oil was absolutely disgusting and this started to flash amber lights when we started to peruse the accompanying paperwork. It's last service was only about four months ago so with such a low mileage I would have expected the oil to look fresher than it did ...

... and when we read the Audi Service Technician's recommendations on the Service invoice further concerns manifested. The car need somewhere in the region of two thousand pounds spent on suspension replacement and a cam belt change. By the Dealer's reaction I am guessing that a) he may not have looked through the paperwork with as much attention to detail and b) that sheet may well get lost before the next Punter walks through the door. The Service Tech's recommendations were backed up by advisory notices on the MOT so it was time to walk away.

We arrived back mid afternoon after taking a diversion through Tewkesbury just to escape the tedium of motorway driving. A fire was lit and TP and I made further progress on the Resistant Materials project; the wood filler was sanded smooth, glue was mixed and the neck was finally fixed on to TP's lovingly crafted solid mahogany ukulele body.

I'm back at work tomorrow ... fan-bloody-tastic!

---

* This was heard repeatedly as we skirted Bristol and headed on towards our destination

A cold day with a chance of badgers

Saturday was a quiet day. I took the dogs out mid morning and then gave TP some assistance with his electric ukulele project. He is at the stage where the body needs to be sanded down before the neck is attached. I must admit that the piece of salvaged mahogany he acquired looks fantastic now it has been finished and a coat of wax should really bring it to life.

After lunch 30% headed back in to Evesham on a mission  and left me to my own devices. I spent an hour or so drawing up some plans for a box frame to display the spear heads we bought at auction a couple of weeks ago and then wandered out to the garage to check on materials. I have most of the timber but will need a few fixings and sheet material before I can make much progress.  I also think there may well be some intense "head scratching" when I get to the point of mounting the spear heads and assembling the frame.

With that finished I lit a fire and settled down for a lazy afternoon. Some time later 30% returned from her trip to Evesham having successfully negotiated a price on an item we noticed in the old indoor market yesterday.*

We are now the owners of a stuffed badger. He is in lovely condition and simply needs a mount constructing to display him properly ...

... I must see if there is any more of that mahogany bench top going spare.

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* it has long since closed as a market and now optimistically describes itself as an Antique Centre. Junk Emporium is a little closer to the truth.

Here's a story ...

About thirty years ago my cousin had a monumental row with her mother and stormed off with her boyfriend. If you knew either of them that spat would have come as no surprise as both of them were quite spoilt in their own way.

Now I appreciate that, as stories go, that isn't much of one, but I haven't finished. To this day neither Mother nor Daughter have had any contact.* They have lived separate lives, each cut off from the other. Sadie, for that is my cousin's name just packed her bags and disappeared, setting up a new life with her new family.

Many years ago Bad Man Senior attempted to get in touch with her and I recall that a meeting did take place but no bridges were built and, after that brief encounter, she returned to her chosen life. That must have been more than fifteen years ago now and in real terms she is now just a distant memory. A childhood friend that was as close as a sister in our pre-school years but is now just an uncommon name that rarely surfaces in my thoughts ...

... until today. First stop of the day for 30% and I was Littleton Auction rooms where the table yet again failed to make an appearance. We then headed over to Evesham for a wander around a couple of sale rooms and found a possible. ** Anyone who has read The Journal will know that Evesham is my home town and that I have developed a disdain for the place as it has deteriorated over the past thirty years. We therefore set out for Craycombe Farm in an attempt to lift our spirits.

At Craycombe Farm we wandered around the Antique units and were thawing out in a very expensive establishment when we got chatting to the Proprietors. They were an elderly couple and, after a lifetime of Antique Deals, were as pleasant and trustworthy as a pair of underfed Vampires. As 30% enquired about the cost of having a table re-finished I watched as the wife quite openly and repeatedly encouraged her husband to increase his estimate for this task. It transpired that their son ran an associated antique restoration business and the Vampire Queen was ensuring he got his blood too. As we chatted further we mentioned that our next stop was to visit Jim who runs the wood turning business on the Farm.*** At this point they asked  if I had attended Prince Henry's High School as their son had briefly been a pupil there and also knew Jim.

I explained that I knew Jim through his wife Rose and the conversation wained. We made our excuses and left, never once turning our backs on the blood sucking duo. As we walked around the corner we bumped in to Jim and were soon stood in his workshop catching up on each others' news and chatting about our day. We recounted our conversation with Vlad and his undead Queen and Jim happened to mention the name of their son; Carl**** ...

... somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain a neuron glimmered ... Carl, Carl ... the glow increased and, one after another, neurons started to fire. I knew that name. Why did I know that name? I asked Jim if Carl had any notoriety and he shrugged and said that there was nothing he could think of. Suddenly, out of the blue, it came to me. "Does he have a wife called Sadie?" I asked. Jim looked somewhat taken aback and confirmed that he did.

So, after the best part of thirty years, a chance encounter with a pair of blood thirsty dealers followed by a chat with a friend and I come within a whisker of a cousin that I haven't spoken to for a generation. Will I make contact? I was going to say probably not but I know that the true answer is no. We have both drifted too far apart for a reunion to have any value or meaning.

---

* I believe my aunt may have written a letter in an attempt to make the peace but nothing came of it.
** It's back story suggested that it could be had for much less than the asking price and it would need that discount as a re-polish would be necessary to restore it to it's former glory. In the end we decided not to make an offer as, after laying out a 6' x 4' rectangle on the dining room floor, 30% MAY have finally realised that a four or five foot diameter circular table is the better option.
*** Jim, as in Rosie & Jim.
****surname redacted in a half arsed attempt to preserve anonymity

Other stuff
Today I also briefly had possession of my new helmet until close examination showed that I had been sent an ex-display item with a scratch on the brow. The damned thing was rapidly repackaged and sent back with a request for the new helmet I had actually ordered.

30% and I filled our afternoon by making a huge batch of pea and ham soup until it was time to collect TP from school after his Austrian skiing trip. He had been delayed by coach problems, missed ferries and diversions to avoid motorway crashes and arrived about four hours later than expected but reported that the resort was fantastic providing the best snow and apres ski entertainment he had ever experienced.

It is no wonder his nickname is Spoilt Bastard.

The search for THE table continues ...

The search for a dining table continued today with visit to Stratford. After taking T&M for an early morning walk we headed over to the home of the Bard for a wander around an Auction House, I have to be honest and say that I am getting more and more confused as 30% is sending some very mixed messages. The tables she says she REALLY likes are in tip top condition, highly polished and with an asking price as high as the gloss on their surface. However the tables she directs my attention to in Auction Houses tend towards either scruffy or totally impractical.

Today was a perfect example. We had visited this Auction for a viewing of a dark oak table she had seen in their on-line catalogue. Let's put aside the fact that I didn't like the carved edge and legs for a moment and consider the fact that the fucking thing was over six feet long at it's shortest and with it's six extra leaved added would reach a length of over fourteen feet. It was totally impractical for a room that is only 12' x 14' and matched neither the chairs we have just sent to be re-upholstered nor the fire surround she insisted remained as focal point in the dining room ...

... "but the Auctioneer's estimate is three to four hundred pounds" she reminded me. I silently said "yes, and that is because a) it is pig fucking ugly and b) no-one has a room or enough chairs to accommodate the monstrosity. It was totally inappropriate for the house and the clutter of the viewing room would not allow a close inspection either.  Talk about a pig in a poke. I toned down my true opinion by several notches and we moved on to the next table. This one was oak and was very scruffy. The top was badly scratched and would need a complete re-polish. It was a million miles away from the tables she admires on-line and I simply advised that we could do a lot better.

We finished our perusal of the lots and then nipped out of town to visit another Dealer 30% had located on the web. She had forgotten to read his web site so I hastily made a phone call from a lay-by near his house and made an appointment to view his stock. He had a couple of tables that had potential but our two minutes of notice meant that much of his stock was stacked in a poorly lit warehouse, so we left making promises to make a further appointment when he could move our preferred tables in to his viewing room.

In the post-viewing analysis it became apparent that 30% did quite like the look of one of his tables but the price put in the same bracket as one she lusts after in the wilds of Yorkshire.

Lord, give me strength.

In the afternoon I did my utmost to stay out of the biting cold and set up a temporary workshop in the house. I finished the glazing of my oak picture frames and inserted the mounted photographs. We now have a trio of portraits of T&M and need to find wall space to accommodate them.

In the late afternoon I finally found time for a nap in front of the fire and in the evening 30% then moved on to her equally haphazard search for an Audi TT. It is fair to say that her automotive selection process is just like her approach to furniture buying.

A minor mauling by a shark

As I set out on one of the very few motorcycle rides I took last year I noticed that some of the trim on my aged, but immaculate Arai Quantum F was starting to come away from the helmet shell. I have had the helmet for over ten years and, to be honest, it was well overdue for replacement but my limited annual mileage, it's great condition and the price of a new lid all have repeatedly persuaded me to put it off for yet another season.

That season has finally arrived and, after taking T&M for an early morning walk, I set off to the wilds of Hinckley as that was the most conveniently* located helmet superstore.** The reason for travelling to a major retailer was to try on as many helmets as possible to ensure great comfort and fit. To a non-biker I suppose the closest experience is buying a pair of shoes ... they need to look right, they need to fit perfectly and they have to say the right thing about the wearer. Then, in addition to this, imagine if it were illegal to be out and about without shoes so you couldn't just take them off if they started to rub.

As I mentioned at the start of this entry, it is more than ten years since I last bought a helmet but I can still remember the experience. *** Each helmet manufacturer uses a slightly different shaped shell and, as a consequence, some helmets fit better than others, so there I was in an Industrial unit on the outskirts of Hinckley trying on helmet after helmet ...

... I can report that nothing has really changed. The following facts sum up my helmet buying experience;

1. Bikers have the most appalling taste in helmet graphics
2. I don't know what happened to the wearers of AGV and Bell helmets in their formative years but am guessing that their heads were bound and compressed in some way
3. Shoei's are good fit BUT just not good enough
4. Why is is that every Shark helmet I put on bends the tops of my ears over?
5. Arai helmets fit me best.

As a result I tried to walk away with a size L, gloss black Arai Axcess II lid but was advised that they were out of stock. I wasn't particularly disheartened as the Internet is full of on-line motorcycle gear retailers and I was now assured that Arai helmets still fit me better than anything else out there.

Once home I found a retailer that was happy to sell me a new helmet with free delivery for twenty five pounds less than the establishment I visited ...

... so I ignored that, added a hundred quid to my budget, and went and bought myself a replacement Arai Quantum instead.

Other Stuff

The afternoon was spent freezing my whatsits off in the garage routing the rebates in the two oak picture frames I have made. These have now been sanded and given a coat of wax polish and hopefully I will find time tomorrow to glaze them and mount the pictures.

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* can 45 miles away be classified as convenient?
** They really do exist.
*** and the location; Farnborough. I took a minor diversion when down in the region for a meeting and spent a happy hour spending the insurance money**** received after dropping my Shark on the garage floor.
**** plus another tidy sum from my bank balance

Sauce for the Goose?

30% was good to her word and made an appearance shortly after eight o'clock this morning.* After breakfast I nipped out to the garage and glued and cramped the picture frame that I had started yesterday. We then nipped in to town for a whizz around the supermarket, and a couple of other errands.

On our return we lunched and afterwards I happened to mention that I might take a nap on the sofa. 30% gave me a look and was about to say something but rapidly reconsidered and uttered "it doesn't matter". Now I have enough sense to know that when 30% says it doesn't matter what she is not saying DOES matter. I enquired as to the nature of the thing that didn't matter and it appears that my proposal to have a Tuesday afternoon kip on the sofa was not a good use of our holiday and I should be doing something more ...

I did try pointing out that her viewpoint could possibly be viewed as a tad hypocritical in view of yesterday's mega lie-in but this was simply met with a withering look ...

... Oh well, the dining room door has now been sanded and coated with liquid wax.

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* Her normal reluctance to rise reminds me of a saying BMS used to chide my elder sister when she was in her teens; You'll lie in bed until the crows build a nest up your arse. Then you'll wake and wonder how the sticks got there.

Staycation; Day 3

On Saturday I mentioned the fact that 30% does like a lie-in and described Saturday's extended sleeping session as Gold Standard. Well if that described Saturday's inability to get out of bed, God knows what term I should use for today's session ...

... I wasn't exactly up early myself but managed to let out and feed the chickens, take a leisurely breakfast, make bread*, walk the dogs, re-salt the belly pork, order a load of logs and take in most of an hour long television programme before she sheepishly surfaced at eleven thirty.

We had an early lunch / late breakfast and then I loaded a set of 6 dining chairs in the the Defender and we drove them over to Sally; our Upholsterer of choice. The plan is to have Sally give the chairs a light clean and re-polish and then re-upholster with a grey green leather that we have recently purchased. We drank coffee and exchanged news with Sally before nipping in to the outskirts of Worcester to see whether Dave the Stripper had anything interesting in his shed.

Fortunately, for the sake of our wallets, Dave had nothing that caught our eye but one of his men was able to help me out by providing a couple of strips of mahogany that can be used to repair the damaged dental moulding on the corner cupboard we acquired on Saturday.**

Back at home we had a couple of hours of the afternoon left. 30% set to on the corner cupboard and gave it a good going over with furniture cleaner and I wandered out to the garage ...

... in the Autumn I had made a start on a trio of oak picture frames to display some prints of T&M. I had managed to complete the first frame but numbers two and three had never made it off the drawing board. Well today I made a start on putting this right and can report that frame number two is glued up and cramped on the workbench and the components for frame number three are cut and will be glued up tomorrow.

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* the bread maker has a three and a half hour cycle to produce a loaf and it was out and cooling as her Ladyship made her first appearance of the day
** I can report that after twenty four hours in the house the door closes. It is snug, but it shuts.

Staycation; Day 2

After crowing about having a freezer drawer full of Guanciale* and subsequently cramming it in to virtually everything she cooks, 30% reported yesterday that we were running short of home cured bacon. She offered a plea to the Gods to encourage Kathy H-R to slaughter a couple of pigs** whilst I took a slightly more direct approach ...

... and that is why the first job this morning was to bone a piece of belly pork and start the dry curing process. By the end of the week this will be a fine piece of streaky bacon hanging from a hook in the kitchen. A week further on it will be ready for slicing or cubing.

Next job on the list was to get T&M exercised so it was out and around the Three Miler. Upon my return I spent a lazy morning pottering before we sat down to a lunch of scrambled eggs and bacon on toast. I wouldn't normally be so precise about my repast but 30% pointed out that everything on the plate had been produced here at The Pile; home made bread, home cured bacon and eggs courtesy of the chickens.

In the afternoon we continued our hunt for a table and visited a couple of Antique warehouses over towards Stratford. Neither had what we wanted but we did end up purchasing a fine reproduction oak Captain's chair upholstered in black leather. It looks much more appropriate in front of the desk than the crappy pine chair I currently use.

At this rate this holiday is going to cost us a bloody fortune.

On the way back home we popped in to an Antique shop tucked away on a back road between Stratford and Alcester. As we walked in I noticed a copper lined, mahogany planter that looked rather familiar. I was certain I had seen it for sale at Littleton Auctions a week ago and we asked the proprietor if that was it's origin. He sheepsihly admitted it and almost*** looked embarrassed when I commented that I now knew his margin and knew how far he was likely to move on his prices. As we wandered around 30% noticed an oak arts & crafts sideboard that had also interested us at the auction. It had sold for £85 and was now on offer with an added coat of furniture wax for more than £360. It will come as no surprise that we made no purchases at this particular establishment.

With the afternoon drawing to a close we headed home, lit the fire and settled in for the evening. Supper was eaten from our laps and loose plans were discussed for the rest of the week.

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* A bacon made from cured pigs' cheeks
** None of her customers want the head so we get them given to us
*** the word almost is important. He was, after all, an Antique Dealer

Staycation; Day 1

Saturday started abruptly at seven o'clock ...

... that git of a son of mine had left for his skiing trip yesterday without bothering to cancel his repeating alarm as a result 30% and I were awakened ready for school. 30% can sleep on a clothes line in a hurricane but once I'm awake, I'm awake so I dressed and wandered down stairs ...

... after multiple cups of coffee, release of poultry, the early morning news and my breakfast I realised that 30% was in for a gold standard lie-in and that I may as well do something constructive with my time. I rounded up T&M and took them for a walk around the Three Miler. I arrived back home a little after eleven o'clock to find 30%, still pyjama'd, preparing a Spaghetti Bolognese on the stove.

We discussed our plans for the day and an early lunch followed by a tour of the Leominster Antique shops was settled upon. We had a pleasant time in the little Herefordshire Market town and saw plenty of splendid pieces of furniture but none of the tables were the one. On our return we stopped at a roadside cafe and Antiques barn as we descended from Bringsty Common.  As we mooched amongst some gloomy containers we came across a dusty mahogany corner cupboard. It was in great original condition and the only issue seemed to be that the door would not shut. The container was unheated so our guess was that the door may have swollen in the damp and was now binding on the face frame. It's price was very attractive so we took a punt and popped it in the back  of the car.

I just hope that the door shuts after a few days in a centrally heated home.

I'm outta here

It is Friday and my last day at work before a week's holiday. I think it fair to say that I am so glad to be away from work even though I know that I will return to a complete and utter nightmare. The reason for this is that my current project is running behind schedule due to delays in finalising the client requirements. Everyone knows that we are at least a week behind in our plan and everybody but one is freely admitting it. The problem is that the One is the Lead Sales Exec in America.  In his heart of hearts he knows that he is not going to get this signed by the end of March but there is so much Senior Executive focus on this deal that he cannot be seen to paint the true picture ...

... as a result he spent a merry forty five minutes on the phone last night attempting to apportion blame to this side of the pond. We stood firm against his unjust criticisms and pointed out that his minimalist approach to communications and ludicrously short timescales for review of documents* weren't really helping move things along. To make matters worse the Client in Europe is not really focussed on progressing this deal as they are under contract for another forty months so an extension is understandably not at the top of their to do list. In the end he did what was expected and promised to improve the trans-Atlantic communications and to apply pressure to the client where vital information was not forthcoming. **

 The realist in me recognises that we are going to be worked like slaves to achieve the non-achievable target and then there will be a last minute extension. This is why I am taking a week off; first, it allows me to recharge my batteries and secondly, it is one less week of dealing with bullshit. This is not a mature approach. Rushing this project will introduce errors and the last minute extension will be used to get Senior Executives to mandate the release of an imperfect product rather than taking it at the appropriate pace and delivering a decent proposal. In view of all of this I did my best to do some preemptive arse covering and had a briefing call with my Second Line Manager this afternoon. ****

By six o'clock I had run out of steam couldn't be bothered to do any more.  I set my out of office, changed my voice-mail message and turned off my e-mail application.

Bollocks to the lot of them.

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* in his diatribe it became apparent that when he sent over a document for us to review what he expected back was comments along the lines of that's great, go for it.  What he most definitely did not want was expert analysis and identification of areas of risk that could expose Dante's to excessive cost or poor service delivery.
** I equate this statement the same degree of trust and belief as I do the response the cheque is in the post ***
*** This is the second biggest lie in the history of mankind. The first is no Darling, I won't come in your mouth.
**** I hope that a) she read between the lines and b) remembers we had the conversation

A change of plan

30% and I were both really looking forward to a week away in Pwll Du Bay, so it came as a disappointment to learn that our tranquil week was likely to be somewhat less solitary than expected ...

... The owner contacted us to advise that the building works on the cottage had overrun and that the drilling for the ground water heating system was likely to be a backdrop to our week on The Gower. The main reason we go there is because it is so quiet and people free so the idea of spending time with a band of merry Ground Works Contractors was absolutely not what we had in mind.* I should point out that she did offer a partial refund but in the end we decided to cancel and re-book for Easter.**

As a result 30% and I will be having a staycation next week. We have no real plans but I am guessing that we will get a few jobs at home completed and have the time to actually go out and hunt for the dining table and possibly a new car for 30%.

The one thing I am sure about is that I am most definitely not telling Dante's about my change of plans. As far as they are concerned I am away on holiday in the wilds of Wales.

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* especially if the weather was appalling and we wanted to spend the day at the cottage in front of the fire.
** there is a possibility of better weather then too

Oh Joy, it is Monday.

A couple of inches of wet snow had fallen overnight and the garden looked quite attractive in the early morning light. However, signs of thawing were already apparent and it didn't look like it would lie on the ground for long.

Work was it's usual endless riot of laughter and amusement. Today's big news was that my request for replacement of the individual assigned to provide holiday cover had been ignored. As a result only two of the five days I am away will be covered. To make matters worse my deputy only works three days a week so I either need to perform my hand over on Wednesday or, more realistically, spend Friday evening writing a War and Peace email attempting to describe how to keep this shit* on course.

Of more interest were the lots that 30% collected from the Auction House at lunchtime; the coal box looks fantastic after a quick polish and is now sitting beside the fireplace in the dining room. As for the African spear tips, they too are very attractive and today's game is to lay them out in a pattern that would look attractive as a framed mount.

You could do some mischief with these

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* this is not a typo

Anyone know how to make an electric ukulele?

Sunday's weather forecast had never sounded promising; cold and wet, turning to snow later and the Met Office had certainly got the morning's weather spot on. There was never going to be a dry spell today and I also had a lot to do so I bit the bullet and took T&M out for a soggy walk whilst 30% drove TP over to the rugby club for a training session.

I was out and back by ten thirty and spent a merry ten minutes toweling down the dogs before thawing myself with a cup of coffee. 30% was back by about eleven and I got her to help me carry yesterday's trunk project from the garage in to the house where I applied a coat of wax polish. This took up the remainder of the morning and I finished as lunch was served.

The afternoon was spent back out in the garage assisting TP's with his electric ukulele project. Today's objective was to prepare the solid mahogany body for the electronics. A socket was drilled out for the jack plug and the mortice for the volume and tone controls was chiseled out. We also got the holes drilled through the body for the wires connecting controls, jack and pick-up.

This took most of the afternoon and it is fair to say that it was most definitely not the weather for working in a large unheated garage. As a result my next priority task was to light a fire and thaw my bones in front of it. As the daylight faded the rain turned to sleet and then snow ...

... looks like I will be drying off the dogs AGAIN before I go to bed tonight.