Kill them all. Now!

I've expressed my frustrations with the muddled thinking of SMIs on many previous occasions. Well, today's experience indicates that there are still virgin seams of idiocy for the lucky Prospector.

I'll use an analogy to allow me to convey today's example of lunacy. It went something like this ...

SMI           bad man, we have a major risk. Basically we don't know how fat this person is so we don't know whether they will fit on the bus.

bad man    Ok, I agree that is a risk but it is hardly a major risk as we have time to weigh them before the bus leaves and make alternative transport arrangements if necessary.

There was a pause ... then

SMI           We can reduce the risk by arranging personal transportation for the possibly chubby person now

This had me perplexed so I responded with …

bad man    How can you arrange personal transportation for the person if you don't know the size of the passenger? Surely the risk is still present and remains unmitigated?

There was another pause so I repeated my question. Eventually the SMI came back with ...

SMI           We have been given information on the passenger's weight.

bad man    If you have been given the weight of the passenger then you know whether they will fit on the bus or whether you need an alternative. There is no risk.

SMI           Yes, that’s right. I'm going to close down the risk.

I paused, took a deep breath and imagined their slow, painful death...

It may have involved lemon juice and salt!

There are checkout queues ...

... and then there are Marks and Spencer checkout queues.

This morning I climbed aboard the 6.50 Express from Evesham and headed towards the Capital for what is likely to be an intensive week. All being well it should culminate in the delivery of our Proposal to the client but I wouldn't bet next month's salary cheque on that!

At lunch time I wandered out of the office and headed down the road to a Tesco Metro store. I grabbed a sandwich and some fruit and headed towards where I expected the lengthy lunchtime checkout queue to end. For some reason the line was much longer than normal, stretching all of the way around the small store and reaching almost to the entrance.

Being a patient sort of person I thought "Fuck this for a game of soldiers", dumped my prospective purchases on a convenient shelf and headed out of the store in search of somewhere less busy.

Enjoying the Spring sunshine, after a morning in a cool drab office, I strolled down the road and walked in to M&S. I chose my lunch and, to my dismay, noticed another enormous queue. By this point hunger tempered my impatience and I stood in line. As I waited I noticed a store assistant walking the length of the queue with a tray ...

... Some genius had decided to calm potentially irritated shoppers by offering them portions of flapjack while they waited their turn to pay.

It bloody worked too.

A Sunny Sunday

I was up and about well before 30% and TP so, after breakfasting, I headed back in to the Study to continue the clearance. My first job was to take down the light fitting and pack it away. A pendant light fitting now hangs in its place and will remain there for the next few months of demolition and reconstruction. Having done that, the mahogany corner cupboard project was relocated to the garage along with the bacon slicer and other odds and ends … did I ever mention that the Study had a natural tendency to attract junk and act as spill-over area for projects?

I then persuaded 30% to assist me in the rationalisation of the contents of two cupboards. Half an hour later the Charity Shop pile was significantly larger and we had more space in which to store “keepers” from the Study.

These activities consumed the morning and, following lunch, we threw T&M in the back of the Defender and headed over to the nearby Country Estate to repeat the walk we took last week. After a splendid hour in the sun we headed home.

Wanting to make the most of the fine weather I found the flimsiest of excuses to extricate the Ducati from the garage and headed in to Redditch to pick up a strip light starter from the DIY store. I then took the twistiest roads I could find over to Bad Man Senior’s house where I stopped for a tea break and to catch up on their news.

Back at home I fixed the faulty fluorescent light in the garage and then filled the time before dinner by packing a bag for next week’s trip to London. When I say “packing a bag” what I actually mean is that I piled the clothes and sundry items I will need on the bed. For some reason I dislike packing bags and suitcases and will always leave it until the very last minute … thinking about this for a moment I realise that I am quite happy to pack a bag in a hotel room. This seems to suggest that it is not the bag pacing that I dislike but the fact that work will drag me away from home for most of the week when I would much rather be at home.

After dinner and an evening of television I eventually succumbed and placed my clothes in a bag minutes before climbing in to bed. It is an early start tomorrow as I need to be on the ten to seven train to Paddington.

House Clearance

This morning all three of us headed over to Littleton Auctions and took a wander around the lots. There were a couple of items of interest and we made a few bids on an old safe and a lovely inlaid Edwardian bedroom chair but backed out short of winning either. 30% took a liking to an old yoke and kept bidding until the hammer fell at £12. It is a really nice piece and will look great on the wall somewhere in the house.*

We loitered to see what price a mounted Stag's head went for, but baulked and left when the bidding started at £650. Apparently it was mounted by a well known Taxidermist but I am afraid that, to me, it was just a dusty Red Deer and eBay has far more exotic mounts for less than half of the opening bid.

We arrived home in time for lunch and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M as soon as we had eaten. The dogs and I have been deprived of walks this week due to work and next week will not be any better as I will be based in London until Thursday evening.

After a restorative coffee I mowed the lawn, again conscious of the fact that I am away next week and the grass will be up to my knees in a week's time. After giving the garden a token tidy up I headed back to the house and, with the assistance of 30% and TP, we made a start on clearing the Study and setting up the home office in the Hall ...

... after an hour the main items of furniture had been relocated and we could see that with some ruthless decision making the remainder of the clutter could soon be disposed of.

I must admit that I am quite looking forward to refurbishing the Study but in a corner of my mind I wonder what horrors will appear as wallpaper and plaster are removed.

---

* Once a bracket has been fabricated, as I found out later after the trial hanging.

Filling a Gap

Tuesday

After a three day weekend that was periodically interrupted by work concerns I wandered in to the Nearest Circle of Hell on Tuesday to find that my concerns were valid...

... On his last day before disappearing for a week long holiday the Lead Project Manager asked me to pull together a set of slides for a Project Review on his first day back. I made reference to some of the new processes* associated with this review and got a blank stare in return. This was the cause of my concerns as my limited recent experiences were  enough to know that the new process was a complete and utter bastard with huge amounts of checklists, artifacts and prescribed deliverables that needed to be in place before the review call.

Having given the back story let's return to Tuesday morning where I made the acquaintance of the Bid Manager responsible for arranging this review. It is fair to say that he was as knowledgeable as the Lead Project Manager so I sent him off to do some research and get the review arranged. 

I now knew what my working week would be like. I would be struggling to pull together a vast raft of materials for a solution review by a team that are beyond Germanic in their nit picking, inflexible approach to procedures. This was not going to be fun and, to make matters worse, I know very little about the solution and the team of SMIs are so busy that they don't have time to do their own work let alone help me with mine. 

There was a brief ray of sunshine in to my dark world when I discovered that  next Monday is a Bank Holiday in Ireland and the review could not take place until next Tuesday. This would allow me some time to get the Lead PM back up to speed and another 24 hours to cobble some shit together for the review.

Having gained a little clarity on how shitty my week would be, I stepped though a metaphorical door and started to look at project costs. After twenty minutes in that room I rather fancied stepping back out and getting a metaphorical Bricklayer in to brick up the door way using quick drying cement. Basically the costs are monumental and there are still more to come in. The target price is minuscule and there is unlikely to be enough time to do anything but watch a big number get even bigger.**

I am not going to have a great week and, to be honest, I don't plan to document much of it here.

Wednesday

Wednesday was another day spent at the Nearest Circle of Hell attempting to document and describe the Beast for the review. I managed to make limited headway today and wandered out of the Office at five thirty with few ticks on my to do list.

One might ask why I wasn't burning the midnight oil on this deal and you can take your pick from these options:-

a) Budgetary issues mean that I need to limit time spent working on this deal

b) Most of my deliverables will not be available until the very last minute

c) I have no skin in the game

d) I have tickets for a Box at the Palace Theatre in Redditch to see Andy Parson

e) all of the above

Thursday

I spent today working from home as I had an important 'phone call in my diary this morning. It is fair to say that a planning and communications cock up meant that I was fifteen minutes late for the call and had to be chased to dial in.

The call was OK but went nowhere near as well as I had hoped for and I have spent the past few days reliving the conversation and thinking I wish I had said ...

Bollocks!

On a more positive note; the chap who bought our old pine table on eBay finally pitched up to collect the damned thing. As a result we now have two crisp fifties in the loose change pot and the Hall is now free of furniture. This means that we can now set up the home office in the Hall and make a start on the Study refurbishment.

Friday

Oh Joy! Today I was again in the Nearest Circle of Hell for an Executive Review of the project I am baby minding. I spent ten hours solid *** listening to a rehash of the review that took place last Wednesday. I have to say that good things came out of this review but it was far too late for the observations and recommendations to be implemented effectively when we have to have everything finalised by the end of next Monday. 

I eventually shut down the laptop and headed home at around six thirty in the evening and was extremely glad of the G&T that was presented to me when I walked in to the kitchen at home.

In an attempt to make me feel like I had achieved something this week I hung up the slate notice board that I had made over the past few days.

---

* I acquired brief overview of these on the last project

** The project price has to stabilise before you can start to trim it back.

*** I left the room on five occasions and each departure was for no more than 8 minutes. Two of the trips were for beverages, one to grab a sandwich and the other were to the Gents.

Relaxing while I have the chance

There is not a huge amount to report today. I applied a couple of coats of Danish Oil to the slate/blackboard/kitchen notice board that I made yesterday and left it to dry in the garage. I'll finish it with a coat of wax, fix a slotted mirror plate on the back and it will be ready to hang in the kitchen. It hasn't been the most complicated of projects but sometimes simple things are the best.

By mid-morning I was at a loose end and 30% suggested a walk through the fields and woods on a nearby Country Estate. We threw T&M in the back of the Defender, drove over and parked by a Barn that has been converted in to a group of small commercial premises in the middle of nowhere.* We had a lovely walk in the Spring sunshine and our timing was perfect in that we arrived back at The Pile hungry and just in time for lunch.

I must admit that idleness got the better of me after the walk and the afternoon was spent watching TV and snoozing on the sofa. It was, after all, a Bank Holiday Monday and therefore almost mandatory that  I took it easy for at least part of the day.

I'm back in work tomorrow and have to admit that the weekend has been punctuated with nagging thoughts that the latest projects is nowhere near ready for the reviews that are planned over the next seven days.

---

* It comes as no surprise that the tenures of most of the businesses there are measured in months rather than years as there is little passing trade or traffic. You would need damned good reputation or web presence to stand any chance of survival at such a remote location.

Blackboards, Bikes and a Birthday

I had nothing that I needed to do this morning so I wandered out to the garage to knock up something that I had been considering for a while. Let me explain ...

... In the kitchen there hangs a rather kitsch blackboard and I bloody loathe it. I tolerate it's presence as it a very useful thing but I dislike it in almost equal measure. The reasons I dislike it are down to it's design. It is tall and narrow and consequently shopping lists become a list of abbreviations. Any Teacher will tell you that chalk tends to dictate its font size and this board is obviously designed for 24Pt text but the commonly available chalk in the UK is more like 36Pt.  As a result, in the near future I will be proposing a set of new domestic abbrevs including WUL for washing up liquid.

The other reason I cannot stand this item is that 45% of it's useful area is taken up with a naff graphic of a ginger cat. I don't like the picture. It is reasonably well executed but has not one iota of appeal to me, and consequently makes a poorly dimensioned blackboard even less useful. The final nail in the coffin of this piece is that the blackboard paint doesn't have a particularly good matt finish which means that the chalk often fails to leave a mark ...

... Here ends the case for the Prosecution.

So, as I was saying, I wandered out to the garage and found a thin 30cm square slate left over from when I tiled the kitchen floor. A diamond cutting blade in an angle grinder made light work of resizing the tile and I ended up with a 30cm x 24cm rectangle.* All I needed to do now was construct a frame. As I was fiddling with some pieces of scrap oak floor boards I noticed that the slate slotted neatly in to the groove in the edge of the boards. This was an ideal way to hold the slate within the frame and would give me a product reminiscent of a Victorian school slate.

I set to with table saw, planer and mitre saw and soon had the frame components laid out on the bench. At this point I was disturbed by 30% and I noticed two things about her arrival in the garage; firstly she had not brought me a cup of coffee and secondly she was hastily wrapped in a towel and looked mildly flustered ...

... She hurriedly advised that I needed to go and collect TP as he had experienced another catastrophic cycle failure on his way over to the Handcart & Fortified Structure. I whizzed down the road and found that one of his bike's pedals had parted company from the main crank. The bike got thrown in the back of the car and TP was dropped off at work. At this point I calculate that TP is managing no more than three cycle journeys without experiencing component failure and necessary repair! I commented that 30%'s cycle was much like herself; in great shape twenty years ago but now rapidly falling apart and demanding high maintenance.

This did not get the laugh I had hoped for!

I sloped back to the garage where I glued and clamped the frame. Then I wandered in for a spot of lunch before taking T&M for a walk. It was a glorious afternoon and, upon my return,  I couldn't resist the urge to take the Ducati out for a ride. I headed in to Redditch to pick up a pair of 14mm crank nuts to repair TP's bike and then headed over to see Bad Man Senior taking the most twisty roads I could find.

I spent a very pleasant half an hour or so with BMS, Tilly and Brother J drinking tea and catching up on their news before heading back home. I put my bike away and then spent five minutes fixing TP's bike.

With the evening rapidly approaching I was urged to get changed as 30%'s Mum and Dad were joining us for dinner. This had been arranged to celebrate 30%'s Dad's birthday which took place yesterday. Dinner was most pleasant and after parting company we settled for an evening of TV after a productive but very enjoyable Bank Holiday Sunday.

---

* I appreciate that this is not huge for a blackboard but I have ordered a chalk pen from Amazon which will allow legible shopping lists going forward.

Beer with Lunch ...

... never the best of ideas.

Today; S&H were joining us for lunch so the morning was spent ensuring that the house had a semblance of order. 30% applied herself to the food and domestic arrangements whilst I took T&M out for a walk to reduce their energy levels. This was a very sensible idea as will become apparent later.

The weather was somewhat warmer than the bitter cold we experienced yesterday and this had allowed the lawn to dry out. I took advantage and gave the grass a trim to give the garden a quick tidy too.

S&H arrived between one and two and we settled at the table for lunch and chat that filled most of the afternoon. I was on table clearing* and drinks duties and, as a consequence, served myself with quite a few glasses of premium Belgian lager. I stayed the right side of drunkenness but personal honesty  means that I have to report that I fell asleep on the sofa shortly after they left and slumbered through until eight in the evening.

It's a good job I hadn't got anything planned for the rest of the day.

---

* When 30% puts on a spread she really puts on a SPREAD! I did offer to install an extra leaf in the table to accommodate the vast array of pickles, salads and cheeses she loaded on to the table. I also enjoy her Tsunami aftermath approach to the arrangement of these morsels

Filling in the gaps

It is Friday, and the end of a week of forced learning. I suppose I had better explain what I have been up to since the Journal entries have been brief and intermittent over the past few days ...

... After Monday's trip down to Heathrow for my induction on to the latest project, I have been doing my best to get up to speed with things. The Lead Project Manager is considerably more experienced than I and has a magnificent depth of knowledge. Unfortunately his technical prowess is not matched by his scheduling ability and he is buggering off for a week's holiday next week. This week I have been expected to pick up everything that has happened over the past few months and then keep things on track for the week that he is away.

This sounds pretty straightforward but, and it is a huge BUT, upon his return I am expected to have everything ready for the Solution review so that the client can be provided with a proposal and price on Friday 7th June. Personally I think that I have climbed on to the footplate in the last few moments before a train wreck and watched the driver leap and roll down the side of the embankment. I appreciate that this is not a great analogy, as he will climb back on just before we crash in to the buffers and send up a monumental burst of splinters, steam and mangled metal, but you get the picture ... it is me that gets the grief and hassle as we charge headlong towards a review that we are nowhere near ready for.

After Monday's travel plan adjustments I took the train** down to London early on Tuesday and stayed there through until Thursday afternoon. For most of the time I have been trying to get a sense of what is going on whilst assembling Contract Schedules in my spare time. It is a bloody nightmare as it takes time to pick up the nuances and interrelationships of the facts and issues, but time is the one thing I do not have. I guess I will have to go with my standard approach of common sense responses and an occasional prayer to the Gods for good fortune ...

... I am so fucked!

Friday was spent at home in front of the laptop. Most of my day was spent developing a contract document.* I eventually escaped from the office around five o'clock and took a brisk walk around a freezing Three Miler. I was tempted to light a fire on my return but refrained when I remembered that we were out this evening to see Bill Bailey perform his Qualmpeddler tour at Warwick Arts Centre. 

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow ...

---

* I was''t required to write it, just cut and past elements in from other documentation.
** the scheduling of, and engineering staff on, this one were far superior to the situation on my metaphorical train referenced earlier in this Journal entry

While the cat is away ...

The mouse made a start on a contract schedule, and then left the office at three thirty sharp so he could make the 16.22 from Paddington.

I'll be home before seven this evening.

At the end of a long day

After eight long hours in a solution review followed by thirty minutes strap hanging to a hotel out in Stratford, East London I was looking forward to a refreshing beverage ...

I had to get a little Heath Robinson to overcome the kettle / base connectivity issue I encountered

If this is what you mean by work …

… then I have to say I don’t really like it

Monday started way too early and by twenty to seven I was climbing in to 30%’s car for a drive down the M40 towards Heathrow. Unfortunately there was no flight at the end of this trip. It just happens that the rehearsal room for the latest production just happens to be close to London’s main airport.

I arrived shortly after nine o’clock and soon found my colleague. The rest of the day was spent in a meeting room half listening to debate and conversation whilst trying to concentrate on merging two spreadsheets detailing Suppliers and Software products. After eight solid hours I had produced a beast of a spreadsheet that extended to over 2,500 lines …

… I pity the poor sods that need to review and update it.

The original plan was for me to stay overnight at Heathrow for a further day of fun tomorrow when I was to observe rehearsals for a presentation to the prospective client. However the client rescheduled the presentation session to the following week and as a result my travel and hotel plans needed a complete overhaul …

… The “plus” is that I was able to travel home this evening, the “minus” is that I will be staying in some crummy Holiday Inn in darkest East London on Wednesday and Thursday nights.

By six o’clock I had emailed the spreadsheet to a selected list of victims so I packed up my kit and headed back to the car. I wasn’t looking forward to the drive home after this morning’s two and a half hour slog along a congested M40. It was peak rush hour and I was expecting the worst. How wrong was I? After a busy few miles on the M4 and M25 I joined the M40 and it was virtually empty. Within ninety minutes I had driven one hundred miles and was walking in through the door at The Pile where I was greeted with a G&T and a list of messages …

… now which did I attend to first?

Fixing Stuff …

… or not, as the case may be.

This morning was warm and sunny and, I thought, a perfect opportunity to haul the sideboard from the garage and get it rubbed down. It was a fairly straightforward job and the timber was soon becoming silky, smooth to the touch. However the problem with sanding is that the object is scrutinised in detail and I was soon noticing further problems or areas that would become problems in the future. Basically the sideboard dates from the 1830s and is of a fairly crude construction. After nearly 200 years of use it is showing its age and it the point where it needs serious restoration* is not far off.

I probably have the skills required for the restoration but the issue is the time needed to perform the work. We also regarded this piece as a stopgap as we would both prefer an oak or mahogany sideboard that featured fewer drawers and more cupboard space. After a discussion with 30% it was agreed that we would abandon the restoration as the sideboard was now at a saleable stage. We will get it advertised over the next few weeks and continue searching for something more in keeping with the room and table.

With that project abandoned I must admit that I spent the remainder of the morning kicking my heels. After lunch 30% and I headed in to town to pick up a few necessities including food, diesel, a toilet flush handle, a replacement double socket power outlet, two bicycle tyres and a pair of replacement pedals …

… the more peculiar elements in that list defined much of the remainder of my day.

TP’s new job at the Handcart & Fortified Structure requires that he have a reliable form of transport and at present he most definitely does not. Having knackered the derailleur on his bike he has now moved on to using 30%’s Mountain Bike. This has seen little use in all of the years we have been together and was in need of a few replacement parts to assuage the effects of twenty years of neglect. I therefore spent an hour or so fitting new tyres and replacing the pedals as corrosion meant that they no longer spun freely.

I am hoping that this will mean that he will now return from work without accompanying tales of woe involving failed cycle components or loss of air from Mr Dunlop’s revolutionary pneumatic tyres. **

Having sorted out TP’s transport problems I headed back inside and hit the sofa for a snooze before performing a couple more repair jobs. I’ve already described our peculiar shopping list so you can probably work out what I was up to.

Dinner followed and then I checked the results of my eBay auctions. I am pleased to say that both items sold and  £150 will soon be nestling in my Paypal account. More importantly, the sale of the old pine dining table was key to the next stage of the house refurbishment. Once it has been collected the Hall will be furniture free. This means that I can relocate the Office in to the Hall leaving the Study ready to be gutted and re-modelled … before pictures coming soon.

The rest of the evening was spent watching television and packing in preparation for the first of next week’s two business trips.

---

* or re-purposing

** because it always falls to me to perform repairs. TP’s approach is to abandon each bike once it reaches the point of terminal failure and then move on to the next one!

Guests for Lunch

Today we had planned to have our first dinner party in the now almost complete dining room. Originally this should have taken place over the May Bank holiday weekend but busy schedules and TP's new job have resulted in dinner becoming lunch and today was finally agreed upon as the date for the get-together.

A consequence of this was that there has been much house tidying in progress over the past few days and this morning my first job was to prepare a marinade for some salmon steaks. It was a few minutes work to get half a farmed fish coated in a mixture of olive oil, garlic, rosemary, crushed chillies, sun-dried tomatoes, Worcester sauce and seasoning and it was then popped in the fridge in an attempt to give the bland, pink fish some flavour.

With my culinary contribution completed I breakfasted and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M in an attempt to wear them out before our guests arrived. By the time I got back 30% and TP had just about completed the domestic preparations and I had little to do apart from inserting a leaf in to the table in advance of luncheon.

At a little after twelve we were joined Bond, Moneypenny, Rosie and Jim and their sons. My God, Did they bring some beer with them! In a very short space of time nibbles were being nibbled and Pimms and Leffe were being quaffed. In short, after throwing pizza at the kids, we spent much of the afternoon and early evening drinking and eating our way through three courses and a cheese board.

I will confess that I needed to have a small sleep after they had gone.

Cooee, Mr Shifter *

First task of the day was to mail a copy of my CV over to 30%. Recent discussions with colleagues have highlighted a vacancy at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers which appears to be a very close match to my skills. 30% has therefore put my CV forward via the Neat & Tidy Employee referral programme to take on the role as Shifter Junior...

... If TP ever reads this in the future, I wonder if any of these cryptic, cultural references will stand the test of time or just seem peculiar. Let us hope that You Tube and Wikipedia still exist in the years ahead.

Having done that I settled down to half listen** to the Review call that would determine whether the latest solution could be priced and presented to the client. It went as well as expected and the Lead PM just needs to close out a couple of actions before he can pause, take a deep breath and gallop headlong in to the next phase of the Engagement.

The rest of the day was fairly relaxed up until the point where I had a call with another very experienced Solutioner about my role in the Musical about the Department Store. I thought I was auditioning for the role of understudy to Mrs Slocombe's Pussy but it appears that, for one week only, I will be in the spotlight performing as the Mr Grace.*** We chatted about the ins and outs of the production and it became apparent that I was required to spend much of next week in and around The Capital ...

... That is the last thing one wants to hear at half past three on a Friday afternoon as Dante's expense approval system is a disorganised fuck up that involved e-mails, pdf files and databases and once that obstacle course is completed there is the joy that is their Hotel and Travel booking system. If one then adds in the fact that there are budgetary constraints it will come as no surprise that it took several e-mails, phone calls, estimate revisions and a brief liaison with a Senior Sales Director before I could get confirmation that I was actually allowed to travel.

Is it any wonder that I am looking for alternative employment?

This evening 30% and I travelled over to Warwick to see Julian Clary in his Position Vacant, Apply Within tour. Hmmm! What can I say? Clary is a master of camp comedy and biting comments and there were brief moments of his genius but overall the show was piss-poor. The first half was short at under forty minutes in length, if the two songs were excluded, and the material was a little thin. The second half involved Clary selecting seven male members**** from the audience and performing a selection process with the aim of finding him a new husband. The show culminated with a wedding ceremony and diverse alarums. It wasn't very good. Clary was reliant on willing members of the audience to get laughs and the sequence of seven interviews and practical tests soon became repetitive. It was lazy comedy, reliant on the audience laughing at paying punters rather than Clary's talent with acerbic put down and narrative. I'm being generous with a 3 / 10.

Sorry Julian, but no warm hand on your exit this evening.

---

* I have to admit that I am probably not doing very well if I need a footnote for the title. Apologies to anyone who is a) under the age of 40 and b) doesn't hail from the British Isles as the relevance of this title will be totally lost on you. I suppose I had better attempt to explain, "Cooee, Mr Shifter" is a line from one of the most famous PG Tips Chimps series of commercials. The line is actually performed by the delightful Irene Handl and was dubbed over cleverly edited advert which showed two chimps attempting to move a piano down a flight of stairs. The punchline was, of course ...

Shifter Junior:      Dad, Do you know the piano is on my foot?

Mr Shifter:            You hum it Son, and Ill play it

** Why would I pay full attention? I disengage from the deal today and move on to yet another interim assignment.
*** I'm not even going to attempt to explain Are You Being Served? to the Junior and International readership ... sorry, look it up.
**** Was that a euphemism ?

It is nearly the weekend

There is little to report for today. Marauder is deserving of a brief entry in the Bumper Book of Crimes when I let her out in to the garden and she caught sight of a Leghorn that had absconded from the run. Energetic leaps and bounds were accompanied by air-borne feathers and startled cackling as the hen got pinned to the ground and plucking commenced ...

... Fortunately Marauder is smart enough to know that the chickens are off limits and withdrew when she heard me yell. I then had to grab her and Tyson by the collar and lead them back in to the house. Did I mention that I was hosting a Team Call at the time? ... oops!

Late in the afternoon I gave up, as my rapidly approaching disengagement has induced almost complete disinterest in this deal and I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. Upon my return I dragged the Porn Mower from the garage and gave the lawn its second cut of the year. We have friends over for lunch on Saturday and it was my token attempt at making the garden look presentable.

Just don't look too closely.

Walking off the stage

The Review that was supposed to take place this morning got cancelled. It appears that, for some strange reason, the Sales Team have been understating the potential receipts from this show by 50% or more. Now the costs have been disclosed it is apparent that this is a much bigger production. Clip levels have been breached and mandated additional reviews must take place. This is a boon to the Lead Project Manager, as he was nowhere near ready for the review, and now has a couple more days to rehearse and prepare. The good thing about this is that the delay is not of his making and consequently he will not have Sales beating him up.

I spent most of today chasing for approvals and coaching the Lead PM for the next stage of this project. It is a great deal with a reasonable value and I must admit I would love to be running it. It is straightforward and relatively politics free. However I must leave at the end of the week and join another cast in another show.*

Ah well, at present my role seems to be to float from one deal to another, taking on ill-defined roles while I wait for a decent script to arrive in my in-box.

---

I apologise for the mixed metaphors

* I think it is a Musical about a Department Store. I am hoping to take the role of Mrs Slocombe's Pussy

eBay Idiots

I rarely text. It is a form of communication that has little relevance to me. I'll use it if I have to but gossip in 140 character chunks really doesn't appeal.*  Its use has to suit my purposes. There have been occasions where an SMI has been "off net" and has not responded to e-mails or phone messages. In such as situation a carefully worded text tends to grab their attention. I also use text to communicate with Tim at Moto-vation. He rarely responds to 'phone calls or answers voice mails but a text seems to get his attention.**

When I am forced to text I have to admit that I am very "old school". I use full sentences, correct grammar and punctuation. I avoid txt spk like the plague. I loathe text speak. It is a virtual manifestation of teenage grunting and the last thing I want to be exposed to or, for that matter, be expected to respond to. If TP grunts at me I ask for elaboration and reply in my usual conversational manner ... I do not lower my communicational abilities to his level and grunt in response.

At the moment I have a couple of items being auctioned on eBay so was delighted and enthralled to receive this enquiry in respect of my auction for a pine table and four chairs ...

hi hv u gt a bye it nw thanks

This grunting idiot had managed to piss me off with the use of nine words. Now I am using words in its broadest definition as, personally, I would only recognise hi, bye, it and thanks as actual words. I also need to state now that "bye" has no bloody place in that sentence. I also need to point out that I am using sentence in the broadest sense of the word, as the string of characters lacks the capital letters, punctuation and a number of key vowels and consonants that would ordinarily be needed.

I decided that the best response to this prospective bidder was to give a reply that was far closer to a pass mark in an English Language examination. I went with this ...

Good Evening [name removed to protect the fuck wit], Thank you for you inquiry but I have to reply in the negative as my preference is to let the auction run its full course.  
I wish you the best of luck if you do decide to place a bid or two.  
Kindest Regards
bad man

I was hoping that this would encourage, nay challenge, the illiterate to put a little more effort in to their scrawlings. I was sorely mistaken as, shortly afterwards I was sent the following ...

aw so enit u gt a price in mind

I took a few moments to control my ire and decided that I would be wasting my time by setting an example and moving on to direct insults*** would only result in my eBay account being blocked. There was only one thing I could do ... resort to sarcasm ...

Hello again [name removed to protect the fuck wit],  
I have to be honest and say that I would like to get enough from this auction to retire to the South of France. I estimate that £12 million should be adequate to fund that fantasy. 
However reality intrudes and I have to acknowledge that you, or anyone for that matter, is not going to bid that much for my table so, as I said in my previous message, I'll let the auction run its course and see what I get. 
 Good Luck if you decide to bid. 
Regards 
bad man

Funnily enough he has not come back to me and there are still no bids.

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* if you are going to gossip, grab a coffee, get face to face and have a proper character assassination session. A bitchy text is half arsed at best.
** ... eventually
*** I demonstrated extreme self restraint when I didn't respond with u r a cnt

Monday Stuff

First things first, this one got accidentally left on the press overnight ...

... after several weeks of web searches and consultation of calendars and exam timetables 30% has finally decided where we are going on holiday, when we are going on holiday and flight bookings have been made. A number of destinations were considered during her research and here is a summary of what was considered and the reasons for rejection:-

• Luxor, Egypt - great destination but too hot in late June
• India - fantastic but pricey in view of plan to celebrate our 50th birthdays with a special holiday*
• Western States, USA (fly drive) - very expensive flights
• A tour of Slovakia and Austria - this sounded shite to me after the preceding options**

So after much Googling I can now advise that we will be spending ten days exploring New York and its environs later on in the Summer. All I need to do now is cancel the holiday I had booked when I thought we were going away in June.

Having rectified that omission let's move on to today. Work was the usual periods of boredom interrupted by tasks that a) didn't really interest me and b) should have been done weeks ago. I progressed them with as little effort as I thought I could get away with. I really am quite disinterested in this deal and the main reason for this is that I am not being stretched at all and do not have a proper role. I do what I can to keep things heading in the right direction but don't really have a defined role or responsibilities.

This morning both 30% and I were working at home and we were joined by Steve, an old friend, who was here to fix the massive scrape I managed to add to the bumper of 30%'s car a few weeks ago. He spent most of the morning with us restoring the scarred bumper to as new condition and then refused to take any payment for it. 30% forced eggs upon him and it was agreed that a dinner invitation would be arranged to repay him for such a great job. He also took away a scratched panel from the Honda and promised to sort that out over the next couple of weeks.***

The replacement handles for the sideboard arrived today. These were judged acceptable and were affixed during my lunch break. All we need now is some decent weather so I can drag it out of the garage and get it sanded.

As the afternoon progressed I was "pinged" by IM it looks like I am to be re-assigned to a new project for a couple of weeks. The peculiar thing about this new assignment is that I will be carrying out a different role in each of the two weeks. This will be interesting as, whilst that might work in a production line environment, I am absolutely certain that it does not translate to the development of outsourcing infrastructure solutions.

I eventually managed to escape from the desk shortly after four o'clock and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. The weather is unseasonably cold and we got caught in a shower. As a result we returned home soggy and a fire got lit to add some cheer to a chilly evening.

Normally my recount today's activities would dwindle at this point but I am responsible for the care of VI's livestock so headed off down the village to shut up coops and collect eggs.

I'll cover my experiences with eBay idiots tomorrow.

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* and the funding of TP's Exchange Trip to Zambia
** I have subsequently been advised that it is very nice out there but I am yet to be convinced
*** The back story to this dates back nine years to when 30% and I were in the process of moving in to The Pile. I was about to ride the Honda from 30%'s house to our new home and she got dropped at a standstill on a gravel drive.**** I managed to find a brand new replacement fairing half on eBay but never managed to find the removable inspection panel. Hence this one panel has always carried these scars.
**** note to self: NEVER move a bike when I am hypoglycemic

Come and fetch me

Sunday dawned cool but dry and I started my day with my usual routine. Chickens were fed and let out then coffee was made and drank whilst I sat and wrote yesterday's Journal entry. I then wandered out to the garage to reaffix the sideboard door after yesterday morning's repair session.

I hadn't been out there long before a pyjama'd 30% appeared in the doorway, wondering what I was up to ...

... This morning's primary activity was to nip over to Cheltenham to collect the Ducati and by ten o'clock I clambered in to 30%'s car with helmet, gloves, jacket and chequebook.* After a quick whizz down the M5 and a race up Birdlip Hill we dropped down in to the outskirts of Cheltenham and pulled in to the small and slightly scruffy, industrial units that are home to Moto-vation. My bike was sat ready to be collected. Her paintwork was gleaming and she chirruped** every few minutes as if to say come on, lets go. I passed the time with Tim, paid a very acceptable invoice and then fired her up and threw my leg over her.

After a quick blast up through Leckhampton and down the other side of the hill I spent the next fifteen minutes carving through traffic on the motorway, before taking the Worcester exit and enjoying a few miles of curving A roads back to The Pile. I have made an informal resolution to use my bikes as much as possible this Summer and I really hope that the weather allows me and the Ducati to get better acquainted.

I arrived back home in time for lunch and headed out shortly afterwards for a walk with T&M. As forecast, rain started about twenty minutes in to my walk and towels were needed to dry off the dogs when we returned home after an hour in the nearby lanes.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pottering and significant activities included clipping T&Ms' faces and advertising the old dining table on eBay. In the early evening another fire got lit just in time for TP's return from his first day of work at the pub. He was knackered after five hours of washing up but seemed to enjoy it and will be back there next Saturday for his next shift. I did need to point out that he is not yet management and, as a result, he does not get a valet parking service ...

... in other words; he still has to put his bike away when he gets home!

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* He doesn't take cards as I found out last year when I attempted to pay for the engine re-paint. Fortunately he is a trusting chap and I was able to whisk her away and drop a cheque in the post the next day.
** the alarm was in workshop mode.