Mr Teasy Weasy?

I have a suspicion that my body is far more in tune with the rising and setting of the sun than I would like it to be. For much of this week I have been waking early and this morning, despite obvious fatigue, I was up and about by half past five. I pottered, drank coffee and just enjoyed being at home rather than the succession of sterile boxes I have been forced to inhabit for much of the past couple of weeks. It is a sorry state of affairs when the only space that had any personal significance is the cab of the Defender and I was only in that for the commute to and from the office!

Anyway, enough of that, I am home now and not away for at least a couple of weeks. 30% surfaced early for her and we were in to the Defender and heading towards Worcester before the clock struck ten.* The purpose of our visit was to collect the remainder of the wood Jules had scavenged for us and to present her with her birthday card and gift. We passed the time with Jules and exchanged news before heading back home.  The sky threatened rain so we left the wood in the Land Rover and wandered in for a coffee.

I then fancied a walk so grabbed a hat and coat and was instantly joined by an excited T&M. We had hardly got fifty yards from the door when I noticed that Tyson was limping so the walk was aborted and I headed back somewhat annoyed and frustrated to find one of the dogs had picked up an injury while I was away. With time on my hands I went and collected the clippers from the garage and gave them their summer haircut.  It took a good couple of hours to get them so they looked reasonably presentable rather than though they had just got over a bad case of mange!

By this time my early start had caught up with me and I crashed on the sofa for an hour or so** before waking and feeling slightly more human. 30% was attacking and Everest of ironing so I thought that I had better do something productive too ... I shuffled cars and positioned the Land Rover for an easy extrication of the wood ...

... As I took the first few pieces to the pile at the back of the garage I realised that I may have made it easy to unload the wood but stacking it was going to be a complete bastard of a job. The pile was a collapsed mess and as a result I spent an hour outside re-stacking the wood pile.

I wandered in at beer o'clock and caught up with TP's news of his day with his Mother and siblings before settling down for a sofa dinner. I then did something that I have never done before  ...

... 30% had combed the tangles from Marauder's topknot and I had a pair of scissors at hand so I started to trim it back in to shape. Previously I had left this to the professionals but M was a star and lay still allowing me cut back the 70's Afro that was starting to develop on her head. Encouraged by my efforts Tyson got coiffeured too.

I'm not sure I am ready for a career change to dog grooming but I am more than willing to take them out in public looking as they do.

---

* Despite 30% and TP knowing that the clock only likes to be wound between the hours of eight and nine they somehow manage not to follow this simple instruction. As a result they prematurely initiate the chiming mechanism and put the chimes out of synchronisation with the actual hour. Hence the clock struck ten at nine o'clock ... and yes it is only me that knows how to put the damned thing back on track.
** possibly an under estimate

The longest day

Yep, they got that right! It definitely felt like the longest day as I spent four bloody hours, I repeat, four bloody hours in a page turn review of a nineteen page contract document in the company of a lawyer and a procurement specialist. It is fair to say that they were in their element whilst I and the Supplier's Director were not. From well before the midpoint onwards we were exchanging pained expressions which clearly had a sub-text of "Christ they are making hard work of this".

To make matters worse the review filled the hours from ten until two and by the time I wandered in to Dante's refectory the staff were cleaning the counters and there was little to choose from apart from a rubbery cheese and soggy tomato baguette ... mmm lovely.*

It appears that I am still needed to provide support for a couple of days next week but this will be on a part-time basis and from home so, at the very least, I will finally get some exercise and a break from hotel restaurant food.

This evening we headed over to The Bridge at Bidford where we met up with The Elf to celebrate her birthday. We had a lovely meal although the Restaurant Manager who escorted us to our table was a little snotty. Our table wasn't particularly fantastic either and I spent most of the evening being blinded by the setting sun and having to ask 30% to adjust the louvre blinds in an attempt to prevent cataracts. The moment the sun had dipped behind the horizon Mr Snotty appeared from nowhere and, without a word, reached across the table to open the blinds. I have to be honest and say that he was verging on fucking rude. Fortunately the company, food and the waitress service made up for the manager's lack of civility and we had a delightful evening catching up with each other's news.

I was expecting to be unenthusiastic about another restaurant steak dinner but I realised that there is a huge difference between dining alone and dining with friends. It isn't the food and it isn't the location, it is the company that makes the meal.

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* just in case you hadn't noticed, that was sarcasm.

If life gives you lemons ...

... then make lemonade.

Thursday was another early start. This time I was in to the office before the canteen had opened so I turned left and headed to the fourth floor to set up my laptop before wandering back downstairs to break my fast. A little sense prevailed this morning and a slightly more restrained almond croissant and banana were selected for breakfast before the daily shit shovelling commenced.

Alternating between a visually sterile, threadbare office and a very similar hotel room has not been particularly enjoyable andI had been tempted to head back home early. The perfect opportunity arose today when a Procurement Manager arranged a contract review tomorrow at my Nearest Circle of Hell. * I seized the moment and suggested my early departure to the Lead Project Manager. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker and I spent the rest of the day with my head down attempting to gain purchase with my allocated tasks.

By five thirty I had got as far as I could with work so called it a day and headed out in to the traffic towards the hotel. Twenty five minutes later I was wandering towards room 309 for the last time and wasted not a moment as I hastily threw my clothes in to a bag. I paused briefly to return my key at the Reception desk before clambering in to the Defender and heading homeward.

I wandered in to The Pile just in time for dinner and was greeted enthusiastically by T&M and even 30% and TP seemed quite pleased to see me.

It comes as a relief that this assignment is virtually over. It hasn't been particularly hard work but it has involved unnecessary travel and hotel stays. In addition the work is poorly defined and insufficient to keep me occupied. As a result I have had to spend long days attempting to look busy on a job that is best described as herding cats.

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* Let me just be clear that a three hour long, "page turn" review of a contract document is most definitely an example of life giving you lemons.

This is not a job

I was out of bed early this morning and walked in to the foyer of the client offices at a quite remarkable half past seven in the morning.

The lack of restaurant facilities at the Travelodge was the impetus for this early start and I turned right and headed for the refectory. I had worked up quite an appetite on the drive in to the office so I pitched up to the counter and ordered the "seven item, Full English". It is fair to say that I wasn't quite ready for the portion size ... the plate was piled so high it was spilling on to the tray and I was charged less than £3 for this cholesterol extravaganza.

I am afraid that was the high point of my working day and for the following ten hours I alternated between reviewing contract documents and just trying to look busy.

As I type this I am sat in the Holiday Inn restaurant with a G&T wondering what the chances are of me being "cut loose" next week.

Anything is better than providing holiday cover.

The grass is always greener ...

Now I have been around long enough to know this idiom well and be aware that generally the word "not" needs to be inserted in to this phrase.

At the moment this metaphor is a recurring theme in my life but today I really was in a grass is greener situation. Let me explain ...

... Last week I stayed at a Holiday Inn and it was OK, nothing great, but it was perfectly acceptable. This week it had no available rooms so I was allowed to book a room that was not featured on Dante's list provided I observed tight spending limits.

As a result I find myself fifty yards away from last week's hotel at a Travelodge and it is an experience that I never want to repeat again EVER!

To call it a shit hole would be paying it a compliment. I can honestly say that it is the cheapest, tattiest arsehole of a place that I have ever encountered and remember I have slept in a mobile home in Monument Valley that smelt of horse piss ... By comparison that place had charm

The room is the most depressing, tatty environment and is long overdue for refurbishment. The walls are perforated by screw holes where infrastructure has been removed and plastic rawlplugs still protrude from the holes. The furniture is made from laminated, particle board that has several unexplained holes where the laminate has come away and the board beneath has been picked at by a succession of depressed "guests" leaving craters an inch or more in diameter. All of the furniture appears to have been soaked with water at some point in its history as the edges have swollen and bulged showing more chipboard peeking out between laminate and edging strip. This has proved to be an irresistible temptation to previous residents too and this to has been picked at repeatedly. The room has the unmistakable odour of air freshener attempting to cover up cigarette smoke and if I highlight any more of its faults I am concerned that I will enter a depression that may take years to recover from.

To make matters worse I had to wander across the car park* to dine at the Holiday Inn as the Travelodge has no restaurant** I therefore was able to experience briefly how green the grass can be before trudging home to accommodation only marginally better than a cardboard box under a bridge on the Oxford ring road.

Roll on Friday.

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* Which has a separate fee! How may hotels do you know where the cheapskate fuckers make you pay for car parking?
** although, based on the state of the room this is probably a very, very good thing

Reservations

The good news, if you can call it that, is that TP's incisor doesn't appear to be fractured and has now been gently* repositioned and splinted while it reattaches to its socket.

The bad news is that this weeks hotel is a Travelodge on the outskirts of Oxford ...

... What have I done to deserve this?

---

* although not as gently as TP would have liked

As days go, this one should have been better.

Sunday morning was somewhat energetic; the dogs got walked, the lawn was mown and this reckless activity might explain why the majority of the afternoon was spent in a mildly hypoglycaemic state. This was not an ideal way to spend Fathers’ Day but I was reasonably coherent by the time BMS, SMS, Tilly and 30%’s parents joined us for dinner.

I can report that the new dining table easily seats seven and that a “three rib” joint of beef leaves plenty over for midweek meals and cold beef sandwiches …

… just a shame that I have to base myself from sunny Oxford this week.

Probably what I needed ...

It was a quiet and very domestic day today.

I awoke reasonably early and spent an hour or so filling in on-line forms and uploading digital copies of documentation while 30% slowly entered the land of the living. We then paid a visit to a local meat wholesaler who had been recommended by a friend. It was agreed, before entering, that we would be restrained taking a sample first, come back again approach ...

... Hmmm! Things didn't quite go to plan and we ended up with a huge quantity of meat to re-stock our dwindling supplies at home. One of the purchases was a complete, boned loin of pork which provided a loin joint, six loin steaks and a further 10" piece of loin that will be cured to give us some back bacon.* We also acquired a large quantity of black pudding which proved to be very tasty and will allow us to make some much needed black pudding sausages in the near future. Legs of lamb, a large brisket joint, sausages, chicken breasts and a compulsory pork pie completed our order and I can report that the little we have sampled has proved to be very good indeed.

We then headed in to Redditch for a trip to the supermarket and to pick up dog food before returning home for lunch. Lunch was followed by a much needed walk around the Three Miler and, despite a heavy shower early on, I actually managed to avoid a soaking by the showers that have punctuated the day.

The remainder of the afternoon was filled with some light butchery as we reduced catering packs and joints down to family sized portions and I started the cure of the aforementioned loin of pork

I really should have mowed the lawn but I will stand by the it's too wet to cut alibi if questions are asked.

---

* As I will be in Oxford next week TP will be introduced to the art of curing and will be responsible for this task.

Fortuitous Scheduling?

After another unrewarding day in the office I packed up my laptop as four o'clock approached and headed back out on to Oxford's ring road. It was a slow crawl out to the motorway where the traffic spaced out a little. I arrived home at half past five to find 30% stood on the drive nattering to a passerby.

The "reason" for my early departure from work was that I was required to ferry TP and mates to a party this evening and 30% was unable to assist as she was having her hair done ...

... so I was a little taken aback when she advised that she had just left the salon and TP was nowhere to be seen. I'm not complaining, I was home at a reasonable time and could just loiter for an hour or so until I was required to operate the Dad's Taxi Service.

After dropping TP off at the party I headed home for a steak dinner and a large G&T. 30% and I had just settled on the sofa for an evening when the 'phone rang...

... It was TP calling to advise that he had just chipped and dislodged one of his front teeth as a result of an accident involving a beer bottle and a mate.* I eventually got to speak to an adult who advised that it was a fairly minor chip and the tooth was still reasonably straight but TP was quite shaken by the episode and it was best if we came and collected him.

We did so and then had a chat with a very nice lady at NHS Direct who gave me advise on the symptoms of concussion and advised that we should seek emergency dental treatment if the pain became unbearable or the blood flow recommenced.

It is perhaps fortunate that he has root canal treatment scheduled for this tooth next Monday, although I am guessing that there may be changes to his treatment plan after tis little mishap.

---

* Whenever TP is involved with this adolescent something ALWAYS goes wrong.

The only thing in life that is constant ...

... is change!  Well, I have to say that I am not so sure.

If you want to know what my Thursday was like please refer to yesterday's entry and replace "chicken dinner" with "steak dinner" and "contracts drafted" with "risks reviewed".

Nothing to see here

Wednesday went like this ...

... Out of bed by six thirty and morning ablutions rapidly followed. Thirty minutes later I was partaking of a healthy bowl of muesli followed by a less healthy "full English" 

By seven thirty I was crawling around the ring road and by eight I was wandering in to an office that looks more like a house after the removal men have finished. *

After eleven hours of dull and repetitive hassling to get contracts drafted I headed back to the Holiday Inn for a G&T and a chicken dinner. I then headed back to my room and collapsed on the bed...

... This is far from the most exciting assignment I have ever been given!

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* complete with dust balls and abandoned domestic debris

Red Letter Day?

Tuesday started with a drive down the M40 to Oxford.  The sat nav optimistically informed me that I would reach my destination in an hour and a quarter. It had obviously not been programmed to take account of Oxford's rush hour and it didn't seem to have a particularly precise knowledge of the ring road either.

I eventually arrived at the client site and was escorted up to a deserted wing of the building where the team had set up camp with oddments of furniture and mismatched chairs. I kid you not when I report that I saw our Pricer attempting to use a shelving unit turned on its side as a desk...

... It's a glamorous life working in IT Outsourcing.

The day was the usual round of spreadsheets, calls and impromptu meetings. I now have a reasonable idea of what I am required to deliver ... It is the usual story of having to harry overloaded team mates for deliverables they just don't have the time to produce.

Three times this afternoon I was interrupted by calls on my mobile. They were following up on yesterday's meeting and it is patently obvious that it went very well. There are a few formalities that I need to complete but all being well this will develop in to a fantastic opportunity.

I thought the feedback had sunk in but I knew it hadn't when the waitress taking my dinner order asked how my day had been. I shrugged and pulled a face to indicate that it had been nothing special ... a brief moment passed as I gathered my thoughts and realised what a great and scary day it had actually been.

A surprisingly good day

Have you ever had a day that was expected to be an ordeal but in actuality went amazingly well?

Well today was one of those days. The morning started with a face to face meeting, so I got myself suited and booted and arrived comfortably early. I was surprised by the lack of butterflies and felt at ease as I delivered my pitch. I was rewarded with beaming smiles and positive feedback and I departed feeling that I had given a good performance.

I left and spent the remainder of the day in the office back at The Pile. It was nice to be at home for once, as the rest of the week will be spent at a client site in Oxford. I passed the time getting up to speed with the next assignment but it is fair to say that I had an easy day and an hour was found to walk T&M around the lanes.

The evening included the now regrettably regular, last minute packing of a bag. Tomorrow I will be heading down the M40 to push another rock up another hill ...

The thing is, it isn't my rock and it isn't my hill.

Weekend Round Up

After a week in London, this weekend seemed at least a day shorter than it should have been. To make matters worse next week is likely to be quite intensive too, as I have an important meeting early on Monday morning and am filling in a gap on a new project too. I could have done with three days of "me time" but instead got the standard family sized, two day weekend which had been fortified with the jobs I should have done during the week but couldn't because I was in a hotel in the Capital.

Let's start with Saturday ...

... out of the house by five to nine and a very short walk to get my haircut, Next on the list was a trip to the feed store to stock up on layers pellets* and then it was a walk around the Three Miler with T&M. I arrived back around midday just in time to greet the O&Ls who joined us for lunch and an extended afternoon of chat. It was lovely to see them all and we all had a fine time eating, restrained drinking and chewing the fat.

We had a quiet evening at home together. I did my best to think about nothing ... I may have achieved this but I cannot be sure.

Sunday arrived far too quickly and the morning was taken up by walking the dogs and preparing a PowerPoint presentation. After lunch 30% and I headed in to Worcester to pick up a couple of new shirts and then over to Jules' house to collect the remainder of the pallet wood she acquired from her workplace. It rapidly became apparent that Jules had severely underestimated the quantity of wood she had as we filled the back of the Defender and will need another trip next weekend to pick up the rest.

The rest of the afternoon was spent reviewing and refining my presentation taking frequent breaks to do anything other than what I was supposed to be doing. As a result I can report that the back of the Defender has been swept clean of sawdust and splinters and Steve has been provided with the colour code** for a 1995 Honda CBR 600 F-S ...

... did I ever say that I have a tendency to procrastinate?

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* I used 30%'s car and once again managed to scrape the damned thing. 
**NH-1  NH1K if you are interested. This is vital to Steve if he is to match the black on the scratched fairing inspection/access panel.

Has the wind changed?

Today was as quiet as I expected, although next week will not be as I have yet another "last minute" assignment and it looks like I will be spending most of the next two or three weeks in Oxford. Yet again I am pulled from the substitute's bench to make up the numbers in a team before being sent back to watch and wait for a match where I will play both halves. It is fair to say that I am already less than enthused with being dragged from pillar to post, supporting deals about which I know nothing and in which I have no sense of ownership.

I really need to find another job.

As for today, I spent most of this morning claiming my expenses and at one point, had to construct a spreadsheet to determine VAT allocations on a less than clear hotel invoice. I suppose it is my own fault for exceeding evening meal limits. This session of accounting, photocopying and mailing was interrupted by a wander over to the local surgery for an eye test. I then returned and tidied my in-box before lunch.

Unusually 30% came home for lunch and brought along a frolleague;* Rich. We spent a pleasant hour putting the world to rights and exploring the delights of delivering network services to oil and gas suppliers.

The afternoon was quieter still and I would have said that the most significant thing was my first walk around the Three Miler for five days but late in the afternoon Idiot Manager pinged and then sent an SMS** to attract my attention. This was when he informed me about the need to be in Oxford ...

... unfortunately it will be less gleaming spires and more vehicle component manufacturing.

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* Frolleague: portmanteau noun derived from friend and colleague
** I wasn't sat at my laptop

Clock Watching

I have two days left until I finish my current assignment and I delivered my principle piece of work yesterday. This means that I have nothing left to do and am just hanging around in case something crops up. The team are focused on finalising the Proposal and Contract Schedules for delivery to the Client tomorrow and I am there like the Teddy at a Dinner Party for 13.*

This was hammered home when we dialled in to the final review call before the price release and my name was omitted from the attendees in the room ...

... I'll get me coat!

There was no point hanging around in London and joining a commuter crammed, rush hour train so I left the Office at three thirty sharp and within an hour was heading North on the 16:22 out of Paddington. Mechanical issues caused a couple of delays but I was back in Evesham by seven o'clock and 30% appeared in the Station car park five minutes later with T&M in the back of the car.

 I was whisked home to a gin and tonic and a home cooked supper of cottage pie. I'm not kidding when I say that it beat the restaurant cooked, steak dinners and waitress service by a country mile.

Shortly after dinner Jules appeared at the back door. A large quantity of pallets had been cut up at her Employer's site and she had thoughtfully acquired this scrap timber for our wood burner. I was truly amazed at the amount of wood she had piled in to the back of her car and further delighted when she advised that she had half as much again for us to collect from her home over the weekend.

If there is one thing better than a real fire it is a real fire with free fuel.

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* It is regarded as bad luck for thirteen to sit down to dinner together. I heard somewhere of a restaurant that has a Teddy Bear to make a sitting of fourteen should thirteen guests ever arrive for a meal.

It is all downhill from here

Wednesday, the hump in the middle of the week. Once it has passed, it is a gentle coast through to the weekend.

This is particularly true of my current assignment as today was the day of our Solution review. This is the penultimate gate our project has to pass through before we can release our price to the customer. Once this review has been completed I will have very little to do as I will be disengaging at the end of this week and moving on to pastures that will be new but, as yet, are unknown.

This has been a short-term assignment* and, as a result, I have had to define and delimit my role rather than the more usual approach which is just to get on with whatever needs doing. There is a new process for today's review  so I made it my mission to educate myself and ensure that the procedure was followed.

I can report that, after a week and half of preparation, I spent the morning scrabbling around for documentation and invoking threats upon those whose submissions were extremely  late, I finally had all of the deliverables stored in databases and the Presentation slides available for the reviewers. Unusually it was not me that needed to present to the review board so although I needed to have everything in place for the afternoon conference call I had none of the responsibility or pressure that accompanies ownership of the solution.

I therefore half-listened as the review progressed and it came as little surprise that we were given a conditional approval with half a dozen actions that we needed to complete over the next couple of days.

The rest of the working day was spent addressing those actions and I left the office a little after six and rode the Tube back to Marble Arch for another night in The Cumberland.

I will be home by this time tomorrow.

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* three weeks

Kill them all. Now!

I've expressed my frustrations with the muddled thinking of SMIs on many previous occasions. Well, today's experience indicates that there are still virgin seams of idiocy for the lucky Prospector.

I'll use an analogy to allow me to convey today's example of lunacy. It went something like this ...

SMI           bad man, we have a major risk. Basically we don't know how fat this person is so we don't know whether they will fit on the bus.

bad man    Ok, I agree that is a risk but it is hardly a major risk as we have time to weigh them before the bus leaves and make alternative transport arrangements if necessary.

There was a pause ... then

SMI           We can reduce the risk by arranging personal transportation for the possibly chubby person now

This had me perplexed so I responded with …

bad man    How can you arrange personal transportation for the person if you don't know the size of the passenger? Surely the risk is still present and remains unmitigated?

There was another pause so I repeated my question. Eventually the SMI came back with ...

SMI           We have been given information on the passenger's weight.

bad man    If you have been given the weight of the passenger then you know whether they will fit on the bus or whether you need an alternative. There is no risk.

SMI           Yes, that’s right. I'm going to close down the risk.

I paused, took a deep breath and imagined their slow, painful death...

It may have involved lemon juice and salt!

There are checkout queues ...

... and then there are Marks and Spencer checkout queues.

This morning I climbed aboard the 6.50 Express from Evesham and headed towards the Capital for what is likely to be an intensive week. All being well it should culminate in the delivery of our Proposal to the client but I wouldn't bet next month's salary cheque on that!

At lunch time I wandered out of the office and headed down the road to a Tesco Metro store. I grabbed a sandwich and some fruit and headed towards where I expected the lengthy lunchtime checkout queue to end. For some reason the line was much longer than normal, stretching all of the way around the small store and reaching almost to the entrance.

Being a patient sort of person I thought "Fuck this for a game of soldiers", dumped my prospective purchases on a convenient shelf and headed out of the store in search of somewhere less busy.

Enjoying the Spring sunshine, after a morning in a cool drab office, I strolled down the road and walked in to M&S. I chose my lunch and, to my dismay, noticed another enormous queue. By this point hunger tempered my impatience and I stood in line. As I waited I noticed a store assistant walking the length of the queue with a tray ...

... Some genius had decided to calm potentially irritated shoppers by offering them portions of flapjack while they waited their turn to pay.

It bloody worked too.

A Sunny Sunday

I was up and about well before 30% and TP so, after breakfasting, I headed back in to the Study to continue the clearance. My first job was to take down the light fitting and pack it away. A pendant light fitting now hangs in its place and will remain there for the next few months of demolition and reconstruction. Having done that, the mahogany corner cupboard project was relocated to the garage along with the bacon slicer and other odds and ends … did I ever mention that the Study had a natural tendency to attract junk and act as spill-over area for projects?

I then persuaded 30% to assist me in the rationalisation of the contents of two cupboards. Half an hour later the Charity Shop pile was significantly larger and we had more space in which to store “keepers” from the Study.

These activities consumed the morning and, following lunch, we threw T&M in the back of the Defender and headed over to the nearby Country Estate to repeat the walk we took last week. After a splendid hour in the sun we headed home.

Wanting to make the most of the fine weather I found the flimsiest of excuses to extricate the Ducati from the garage and headed in to Redditch to pick up a strip light starter from the DIY store. I then took the twistiest roads I could find over to Bad Man Senior’s house where I stopped for a tea break and to catch up on their news.

Back at home I fixed the faulty fluorescent light in the garage and then filled the time before dinner by packing a bag for next week’s trip to London. When I say “packing a bag” what I actually mean is that I piled the clothes and sundry items I will need on the bed. For some reason I dislike packing bags and suitcases and will always leave it until the very last minute … thinking about this for a moment I realise that I am quite happy to pack a bag in a hotel room. This seems to suggest that it is not the bag pacing that I dislike but the fact that work will drag me away from home for most of the week when I would much rather be at home.

After dinner and an evening of television I eventually succumbed and placed my clothes in a bag minutes before climbing in to bed. It is an early start tomorrow as I need to be on the ten to seven train to Paddington.