To fail to prepare ...

... is to prepare to fail. Benjamin Franklin put it so succinctly when he stated the need for organisation and planning if one was to succeed in an endeavour. My initial thoughts on the latest assignment is that they have certainly been busy doing "stuff" but there are some fundamental preparatory items that just haven't been developed. I should point out that "they" are the embryonic Engagement Team and they have been in place for a time period measured in months rather than weeks or days.

I have only been assigned a couple of days and I have already drafted a solution responsibility matrix which identifies which of the globally dispersed individuals will be responsible for which solution elements. This is fundamental if there are to be no gaps or overlaps in our final deliverable. Today I was presented with a worrying request. I was asked to review the budget for the development of the solution. With the current level of planning this is like walking up to a man on the street and saying "how much is a car?". It is a question that cannot be answered without parameters that define the requirement. At present there is no information on when the client will provide us with requirements and the date we are proposing to deliver a price seems to move in and out with the tide! There was no way that I could comment on a budget without a bid plan that identifies the key milestones and phases of this engagement. Did one exist? ... Did it Fuck!

So you can guess what I pulled together yesterday afternoon.

I could continue this diatribe with tales of hour long calls with no agendas or actions but I am trying to be positive and make firm but gentle recommendations that will put the team on the right track. I just hope that I can get off at the next station.*

Putting work to one side, I had a slightly more successful day. I managed to combine taking TP to the dentist with collection of a replacement spare wheel from Mark at MP Trading. This lingered in the back of the car for a couple of hours before I took it down the village and dropped it off with Andy who will sort out the media blasting and powder coating. I also took the two Victorian cast iron bench ends that I have had in my possession for the best part of twenty years after finding them in the back of a shed in a house I bought. They have a twisted ivy element to their design and will look fantastic once they have been cleaned up and painted but it is fair to say that twenty years is a long time for a project to be on hold.

I hope it doesn't take me another twenty years to get the timber for the seat or, for that matter, get the tyre fitted to my replacement spare wheel.

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* or failing that,leap from the Guard's Van and tumble, limbs flailing, down an embankment

Ninety six square feet

Perhaps a slightly random title but an explanation will be forthcoming, Let me explain ...

... I'll quickly race through the supermarket visit, lawn mowing and dog walking and arrive breathless and glistening at Sunday's principal achievement. I finally cleared the dregs from the study and laid the protective hardboard sheets in preparation for pulling down the ceiling and taking out the fireplace.*

Let's paint the picture rail apart from the bit behind the curtains

Charming reconstituted stone fireplace.

note 2'6" of unpainted skirting board

I appreciate that it looks grim and has a truly tasteless fireplace-cum-wall unit that takes up one complete wall but it is a lovely room to work in. Being on the ground floor it is close enough to family life but it is in a quiet corner of the house and the door can be closed to shut out domestic distractions. We plan to install a small log burner in the fireplace so the room will be toasty in winter without the need to run the central heating throughout the day. All in all it has the potential to be a lovely room to work in, I just need to spend a few months sorting it out.

Finally, it took three 8' x 4' sheets of hardboard to cover the floor so I know that the study has a floor area of ninety six square feet.**

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* not to mention rectification of the dreadful surface mounted electrics
** it is actually 108 square feet (9' x 12') but the fireplace and cupboard weren't included in my calcs.

A sunny Saturday

First order of business this morning was to clamber in to the Defender and head out to collect TP from his after Prom party. Unusually for TP, he was ready and waiting outside the venue with four friends. They were all sprawled on the ground soaking up the early morning sun and looked suitably dishevelled after what I am guessing was a very late night with more beer that was wise.

Half an hour later I had dropped them off at their respective residences and was back at The Pile for a quick cup of coffee. I then collected 30% and we headed over to Evesham where we dropped off our oil painting at the picture framer and then headed over to the DIY store for some 8 x 4 sheets of hardboard that will be laid down over the office floor to form a temporary protective cover for the original elm floorboards when the ceiling is pulled down.

It was then time for lunch followed by a spot of DIY as I hung the oak framed mirror in the kitchen and then recruited TP to help unload bales of shavings and sheets of hardboard from the Land Rover. The weather today was amazing and I left my walk with T&M as late as possible but the Three Miler was still sweltering as we completed the loop in the later afternoon sun.

The reason I could not delay their walk any later was because 30% and I spent a delightful evening with S&H sat around a table in their garden, telling tales, exchanging news, eating some great food and, in the case of S and myself, drinking beer and gin. We had a lovely time and I must admit that I fell in to an alcohol induced snooze on the car journey home.

An unusual conveyance in to the weekend

I find myself at the end of the working week and have to be honest; reporting that I have done my best to avoid hard work over the past couple of days. It can't be just me that thinks that Thursday or Friday are the worst days of the week to start a new endeavour. New assignments should start at the beginning of the week, not half way through when one is already mentally preparing to stop working  and embrace the weekend ...

... well that is the way  my mind works so I have done very little on the latest project since my "official" start on Thursday. I have explored the scope, both in terms of service and geography, and have pondered its apparent deficiencies and what needs to be done to get things heading in the right direction. I don't think that's too bad having had less than forty eight hours exposure to the beast but I haven't raised a sweat yet.

This morning I finished the oak framed mirror that I started last Sunday. A coat of wax polish was applied to the frame and I then inserted the mirror glass and backing board and pinned it all in place. It was a case of perfect timing as it is the day of TP's School Prom* and he found a 4' x 1' dressing mirror ideal for checking out his outfit of tail coat, dress shirt and bow tie before I dropped him at a friend's house for pre-Prom beers.

With TP away partying 30% and I headed over to the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers** Summer Family Evening. Every year her employer arranges a fair for employees and their families and a local outdoor space will be filled with Marquees, fairground rides and stalls, a hog roast and ice cream stall and all is supplied free of charge. It is amazing when compared to Dante's Nine Circles of Hell which appears miserly by comparison.

We had a lovely time wandering around, talking to friends and acquaintances, munching on the free buffet and taking in the sights. A hands on display of exotic pets was a real hit with the children and I must admit both 30% and I were quite taken with the pythons and the coati mundi. I also experienced a new form of transport when I had a trial ride on a Segway. These are the bizarre two wheeled platforms that  looks like they should have no inherent stability. It was an amusing diversion and I soon became accustomed to the basic principles of propelling the device around a course. However I have to report that a) I felt that the helmet and high-vis vest were totally unnecessary and b) I can see why these are rarely encountered in the real world ... it is an expensive gadget at best.

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* Yes, I know it is a dreadful Americanism and School Disco is the British equivalent
** This is an alias

A plan comes together ...

I knew from the moment that I saw the space where my spare wheel used to be that I was never going to get it returned so there was no point letting it ruin my day. I just needed to accept it and sort it out in the most economic way possible. I didn't want to claim against my car insurance as that would negate my no claims bonus so it was a case of how do I get a genuine Land Rover deep dish alloy and tyre for the lowest possible cost* ...

...My first call was made to Mark at MP Trading and he commiserated and advised that he had a scruffy OEM deep dish alloy on a Defender he was breaking. He advised that I could have it for somewhere around £30 but I would need to have it shot blasted and powder coated and I would also need a tire. I accepted the quote and asked him to remove the best of the wheels. As we discussed options for rubber, powder coating and collection another cosmic tumbler dropped in to place when I realised that I would be barely a mile from Mark's workshop next Monday when I take TP to the dentist.

With the wheel rim reserved I now needed a tyre and that was simple. Tucked away in the front cellar I have a pile of tyres that were fitted to my alloys when I bought them a few years ago. Most of the tyres are reasonable at best but the spare was unused. A quick inspection confirmed that it was the correct size and whilst it is not the same manufacturer or tread pattern as those on the Defender it is more than adequate as a spare.

 Next on the list was to arrange the refurbishment of the rim and that is where one of my dog walking acquaintances becomes relevant. Jazz's owner; Andy runs a powder coating business and I have previously discussed getting a couple of items refinished by him but have never got around to it. The need for a spare wheel was the metaphorical kick up the arse I needed to get in touch and put a bit of business his way. Yet another cosmic tumbler dropped in to place as I bumped in to him whilst I was walking T&M this afternoon. A quick chat confirmed that he was more than happy to take on the work and I arranged to drop the rim at his house early next week.

I then purchased some replacement wheel nuts and this was done on-line and set me back £27, including postage. Mindful of the theft, one of the nuts is a locking wheel nut of the same type as is fitted to the rest of the car. Hopefully this will prevent another automotive violation!

All that is left to do is to assemble these components at some point later next week and I should be back to normal and only about £100 lighter in the wallet.

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*  The cost of an OEM wheel rim is circa £230 and a BF Goodrich All Terrain 235 x 85 is going to add a further £140. When I start adding in wheel nuts too I am easily going to hit £400.

Other Stuff

Today was my first walk out with T&M since Tyson ripped her claw. We had a gentle stroll around the Three Miler and all seems well.

I also made a start on my latest work assignment. It is another contract renegotiation and I spent much of today with a 'phone glued to my ear attempting to understand the scope and work out what needs to be done to get this beast moving forward. It also reminded me of how small this industry is when I learnt that I would be working with a couple of colleagues I last served time with more than five years ago.

It is a Global deal with a limited range of services and it will be led from the UK. It is an interesting opportunity and, for once, I have been brought in early enough to allow it to be managed effectively although my holiday plans may clash with the first client deliverable.

Not Happy

For the past three days I have been trundling in to the Nearest Circle of Hell to attend a training course covering Dante's Lamborghini of a cost modelling tool. It was very informative and the trainer was his usual self right down to the selection of personal photographs that interspersed his lecture slides, the irreverent narrative, the borderline xenophobia and even the rhino patterned tie made an appearance. He is most definitely one of a kind and I have a soft spot for him and his eccentricities.

The last day ended and I wandered out to the car park.  As I walked around the back of the Defender to throw my laptop in the rear I noticed that things were not as they should be ...

... some f***ing c*** had stolen the spare wheel off the mount on the back door. I subsequently spent a further forty five minutes going through the formalities of reporting the crime to both site security and police knowing that there was no real chance of ever catching the thieving arse hole and  recovering my wheel.

I'm not having a good week with my vehicles.

Ouch!

For some reason it seemed that most of Sunday morning was taken up by walking Marauder around the Three Miler. I am guessing that a combination of getting up later than usual, dropping TP off at the Rugby Club for fitness training and then taking a walk that might have included a few conversational halts were the main reasons why there seemed to be less of the morning than I expected.

As M and I wandered back to the The Pile we saw 30% heading off to collect TP and within twenty minutes she was back and making lunch.

After lunch I decided to haul the Ducati from the garage and take her out for a spin ... I wish I hadn't. I warmed her up and let her roll to the bottom of the drive where I waited for a gap in the traffic.  The nearby policeman with a speed gun meant that I was far less enthusiastic with the throttle when the traffic thinned and I stupidly stalled the bike. She toppled over at a virtual standstill and I now have a nice little scuff on the fairing lower ... I hope Steve can get an accurate colour match for Ducati model year 2000 yellow!

I did take a brief ride out but my heart wasn't in it and, after taking a tea break with BMS and SMS, I headed home and tucked her up in the garage. Whilst there my eyes fell upon the large pine framed mirror that we won at yesterday's auction and I started to root around for some new frame materials ... Before I knew it I was being called in for dinner and the sections of a fine oak frame were laid out on the bench ...

... After dinner I wasn't particularly taken with TP and 30%'s choice of television so I headed out and glued and clamped the frame.

Art

30% and I have quite different tastes in decorative art and, as a result of these artistic differences, do not have many pictures hanging on the walls of the The Pile. We have a few framed photographs of Tyson & Marauder and several of my "antique" mirrors that I throw together from time to time but very little art. In the spare room that is forever known as the purple bedroom* there is a stack of framed art but not one has been deemed worthy and made it on to the walls.

I like traditional oils and water colours whilst 30%'s tastes lie in a much more modern and much more commercial vein. We are generally poles apart but yesterday in the auction rooms a couple of cosmic cogs enmeshed as we stumbled upon a small unframed canvas. It was a very old and beautifully executed scene of two farmers scything hay in a meadow. We both liked it and after we had got over the amazement a commission bid was placed.

I drove over to the auction this morning to see whether we had been successful and was delighted to find that we had won the oil painting and a number of other items including some repro Staffordshire flat backs and a large bevelled mirror. It looks like we will be off to find a decent picture framer next weekend.

The remainder of the day was filled with normal domesticity. Marauder was walked and the lawn was mown. The Office project was also given a little attention as further items were cleared. It is a truism that there is nothing like an empty space for attracting junk and this virtually cleared room had already started to reaccumulate domestic items. I returned tools to the garage along with the two curtain rails that will be hung once the room is finished. I also disposed of the bin bag of hair following my use of the space as a grooming salon last weekend. There is still a random assortment of items that 30% refuses to let us touch but seems strangely reluctant to address either ... if she is not careful I will declare a statute of limitations on these and take matters in to my own hands. I also made enquiries about a replacement ledge and brace door and a very nice gentleman called Graham is going to get back to me with a quote in the next couple of days.

As for the room clearance, can anyone suggest where I should put the stuffed boars head?

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* When we bought The Pile this box room was painted a deep purple and for several weeks when we remodelled the house two of the exterior walls, ceiling and roof were removed which meant that it was on display to every passer by. Our Builders used to use it as a land mark when ordering supplies ... "is it easy to find?" .... " Oh yes, just look for the purple wall and the radiator in the air"

Encapsulate this in a few words ... I can't

I suspect that if I asked someone to picture the end of a race they would envisage an athlete, with their head held high, thrusting their chest forward in to the tape that marks the finish line. That is not exactly how my "race" finished today ...

... for the past couple of weeks I have been coordinating the completion of a set of third party contracts and documents of understanding that all needed to be in place such that the main Agreement with the client could be signed this morning. This job has been a Royal pain in the arse. The Specialist Procurement personnel have been out of the office more than they have been in it, both of them seem somewhat less than motivated and most definitely lacking in any project management ability. The signing of the main Agreement was deferred by a week so they even had more time but they still managed to make a complete and utter pig's ear of things and we arrived at our deadline with barely sufficient documentation to satisfy the Daemons that these sub-contracts were in place. The ink was still wet on some of them and, if I am honest, other associated documents remain to be agreed and signed.

So let us review our imaginary Olympian with hair streaming behind them and replace that image with a decrepit octogenarian collapsing ahead of the line and, with breath rattling from their failing lungs, pulling themselves by their finger tips to the finish.

It is fair to say that I like to take a pride in my work and I leave this assignment with a self assessment of adequate and when I say adequate it should probably be accompanied by the adverb barely.

Moving on to Life rather than Work, today's moment of humour came when I took Tyson back to the Vet as her torn claw is troubling her and has bled on a couple of occasions. The Vet suggested sedating her so that the claw could be removed and I agreed that this was the best course of action. He asked whether she had eaten anything this morning as the light anaesthetic could induce vomiting. I think he was expecting a yes or no so was taken aback when I looked at her and then back at him and replied that she had eaten a ham sandwich ...

... I reminded the Vet that her drugs needed to be taken with food and both T&M have food constantly available so I needed something tempting to ensure her pills sat on a full stomach; hence a ham sandwich. He laughed at this unconventional approach and we continued with the pre-op consents and confirmation of contact details. I left her there with instructions to call for a progress report at two o'clock.

Two o'clock came and I called to be informed that all had gone well and that I could collect her later in the afternoon. She is now curled up on the sofa as right as ninepence.

30% returned from work somewhat excited* by her new role and it fair to say that she needed to do a bit of shouting to get it out of her system ... eventually, reassured by the sight of Tyson virtually restored to normal levels of craziness, she was ready to start the weekend and we headed over to Littleton Auctons to view the lots.

Tomorrow could be expensive.

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* This is most definitely a euphemism

Sick Note

There is little to report from the past couple of days. I'm getting over my cold however Tyson's recovery has not been so straightforward. The anti-inflammatories and antibiotics have had the desired effect on her torn claw and consequently she is quite happy wandering around with a barely a limp. This increased actvity is loosening the claw and on a couple of occasions it has started to bleed. I have had to apply a dressing to stem the flow and to keep her from niggling at the wound. She looks quite comical with her paw bandaged and has a tendency to sit with her paw held up for all to see.

Realistically the injury isn't going to heal until the nail is removed and it looks like I will be back at the Vet's tomorrow for another consultation.

Bleurgh !

If I am honest I did very little today. My head is full of cold and I felt quite dreadful. I spent the bare minimum of time at the laptop, just enough to keep matters on track as we head towards Friday when this deal gets signed.

I did manage a walk around the Three Miler with Marauder and felt somewhat better for being outside in the sun. Mind you, it could just have been the vast quantities of over the counter medication that I have been throwing down my throat.

I encouraged TP out in to the garden this afternoon and he made a reasonable job of edging the lawn. I also let him loose with a garden sprayer filled with weedkiller to sort out the herbal invaders in the block paving ... I hope I don't regret this in a couple of weeks time when things start to die ... after all, a while back I was tempted to draw a huge cock and balls on Idiot Manager's front lawn with a solution of RoundUp!

I spent the evening at home slouched on the sofa alone as 30% and TP headed out to a School Barbecue arranged as part of the Zambian Exchange programme. I really don't feel very sociable at the moment.

When home and work collide

I had a dreadful night's sleep and can recall waking almost every hour. My head was full of cold and it is fair to say that I didn't feel my best. Looking on the bright side, at least I only have to wander as far as the home office rather than schlep to London or some other location where my physical manifestation is mandated.

First job of the day was to arrange an appointment for Tyson at the Vets. A nine o'clock slot was available so I lifted* her in to the back of the Defender and headed down the road ...

... Fifty five British Pounds later I discovered that Tyson had partially torn one of her claws and an infection had set in. She was given a jab to ease the pain and hit the infection and she is to "take it easy" for the next few days whilst she consumes a variety of antibiotics and anti-inflammatories.

I headed home and settled in to my day's work. This included submitting my expenses and managing the signature of a variety of Third Party Contracts and Documents of Understanding. I would like to think that I am having some impact but the realist in me knows that the impending signature of a new contract with a client is the real impetus driving the activity. At best my role is that of either Shepherd or Reporter.

In the early afternoon I headed out for a walk with Marauder before yet more shepherding as I coaxed TP out of the door and whisked him over to the Dentist for an inspection of his damaged incisor ...

... it is settling back in to its socket and a further two appointments have been scheduled for root canal fillings to the tooth and its neighbour.

By the time I arrived home I felt most unwell and would have liked to call it a day but I had a conference call arranged for six thirty that I needed to attend. I'm glad I did as it was hysterical. The purpose of the call was to review a document of understanding and agree it in principle. What it actually turned out to be was one of Dante's most unprofessional senior Daemons having a  rant at another sect of Devils and pointing out that she would not be incurring any financial penalties if they had cocked up their estimates.

As I said, at best I am either shepherding or reporting on this activity.

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* obviously to ensure she didn't hurt her paw. However, it is a regular source of amusement that Marauder will leap, from a standing start, in to the back of the Land Rover whilst Tyson, even when in full health, will simply place her front paws on the load bed and wait patiently for one of us to lift her rear end in to the car.

I've felt better

I woke this morning and felt like I had gone three rounds with a champion boxer after yesterdays re-stacking of the wood pile. My back and legs ached and it is fairly obvious that the recent weeks of hotel stays and office based working have done me no good at all. I need to get back in to my exercise regime. To make matters worse I have woken with a snotty nose and a scratchy feeling at the back of my throat. My initial diagnosis is a cold but 30% says hay fever. I guess it could be but I have never suffered like this before.

Tyson is no better so a) it looks like a trip to the Vets tomorrow and b) it was just Marauder and I that took a walk after breakfast. I have never walked Marauder on her own and I was amazed at how she behaved. She was a different dog, she was calm and walked to heel most of the time and there was no straining at the lead as we set off down the road. We were stopped a few times on our walk and acquaintances asked about Tyson's whereabouts. We also received three separate compliments about Marauder's recent clip ... it was nice to have independent confirmation that I had done a decent job.

After completing the Three Miler I dragged the pawn mower from the garage and whizzed around the lawn before the first of today's showers hit the village. The morning's exertions combined with an achy back meant that I was knackered and starving so a lazy, extended lunch was taken before 30% and I nipped out to pick up some fruit 'n veg from a nearby farm shop.

On our return I fully intended to do nothing but snooze on the sofa but I felt the need to do something constructive so I unwrapped the curtain poles that I had collected from the Blacksmith last Monday and wandered in to the dining room ...

... after assembling a pile of assorted tools and deployment of some imaginative invective the rails now grace the door and window frames and 30% can now arrange for Upholsterer Sally to come around to measure up for curtains.

Mr Teasy Weasy?

I have a suspicion that my body is far more in tune with the rising and setting of the sun than I would like it to be. For much of this week I have been waking early and this morning, despite obvious fatigue, I was up and about by half past five. I pottered, drank coffee and just enjoyed being at home rather than the succession of sterile boxes I have been forced to inhabit for much of the past couple of weeks. It is a sorry state of affairs when the only space that had any personal significance is the cab of the Defender and I was only in that for the commute to and from the office!

Anyway, enough of that, I am home now and not away for at least a couple of weeks. 30% surfaced early for her and we were in to the Defender and heading towards Worcester before the clock struck ten.* The purpose of our visit was to collect the remainder of the wood Jules had scavenged for us and to present her with her birthday card and gift. We passed the time with Jules and exchanged news before heading back home.  The sky threatened rain so we left the wood in the Land Rover and wandered in for a coffee.

I then fancied a walk so grabbed a hat and coat and was instantly joined by an excited T&M. We had hardly got fifty yards from the door when I noticed that Tyson was limping so the walk was aborted and I headed back somewhat annoyed and frustrated to find one of the dogs had picked up an injury while I was away. With time on my hands I went and collected the clippers from the garage and gave them their summer haircut.  It took a good couple of hours to get them so they looked reasonably presentable rather than though they had just got over a bad case of mange!

By this time my early start had caught up with me and I crashed on the sofa for an hour or so** before waking and feeling slightly more human. 30% was attacking and Everest of ironing so I thought that I had better do something productive too ... I shuffled cars and positioned the Land Rover for an easy extrication of the wood ...

... As I took the first few pieces to the pile at the back of the garage I realised that I may have made it easy to unload the wood but stacking it was going to be a complete bastard of a job. The pile was a collapsed mess and as a result I spent an hour outside re-stacking the wood pile.

I wandered in at beer o'clock and caught up with TP's news of his day with his Mother and siblings before settling down for a sofa dinner. I then did something that I have never done before  ...

... 30% had combed the tangles from Marauder's topknot and I had a pair of scissors at hand so I started to trim it back in to shape. Previously I had left this to the professionals but M was a star and lay still allowing me cut back the 70's Afro that was starting to develop on her head. Encouraged by my efforts Tyson got coiffeured too.

I'm not sure I am ready for a career change to dog grooming but I am more than willing to take them out in public looking as they do.

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* Despite 30% and TP knowing that the clock only likes to be wound between the hours of eight and nine they somehow manage not to follow this simple instruction. As a result they prematurely initiate the chiming mechanism and put the chimes out of synchronisation with the actual hour. Hence the clock struck ten at nine o'clock ... and yes it is only me that knows how to put the damned thing back on track.
** possibly an under estimate

The longest day

Yep, they got that right! It definitely felt like the longest day as I spent four bloody hours, I repeat, four bloody hours in a page turn review of a nineteen page contract document in the company of a lawyer and a procurement specialist. It is fair to say that they were in their element whilst I and the Supplier's Director were not. From well before the midpoint onwards we were exchanging pained expressions which clearly had a sub-text of "Christ they are making hard work of this".

To make matters worse the review filled the hours from ten until two and by the time I wandered in to Dante's refectory the staff were cleaning the counters and there was little to choose from apart from a rubbery cheese and soggy tomato baguette ... mmm lovely.*

It appears that I am still needed to provide support for a couple of days next week but this will be on a part-time basis and from home so, at the very least, I will finally get some exercise and a break from hotel restaurant food.

This evening we headed over to The Bridge at Bidford where we met up with The Elf to celebrate her birthday. We had a lovely meal although the Restaurant Manager who escorted us to our table was a little snotty. Our table wasn't particularly fantastic either and I spent most of the evening being blinded by the setting sun and having to ask 30% to adjust the louvre blinds in an attempt to prevent cataracts. The moment the sun had dipped behind the horizon Mr Snotty appeared from nowhere and, without a word, reached across the table to open the blinds. I have to be honest and say that he was verging on fucking rude. Fortunately the company, food and the waitress service made up for the manager's lack of civility and we had a delightful evening catching up with each other's news.

I was expecting to be unenthusiastic about another restaurant steak dinner but I realised that there is a huge difference between dining alone and dining with friends. It isn't the food and it isn't the location, it is the company that makes the meal.

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* just in case you hadn't noticed, that was sarcasm.

If life gives you lemons ...

... then make lemonade.

Thursday was another early start. This time I was in to the office before the canteen had opened so I turned left and headed to the fourth floor to set up my laptop before wandering back downstairs to break my fast. A little sense prevailed this morning and a slightly more restrained almond croissant and banana were selected for breakfast before the daily shit shovelling commenced.

Alternating between a visually sterile, threadbare office and a very similar hotel room has not been particularly enjoyable andI had been tempted to head back home early. The perfect opportunity arose today when a Procurement Manager arranged a contract review tomorrow at my Nearest Circle of Hell. * I seized the moment and suggested my early departure to the Lead Project Manager. He took the bait, hook, line and sinker and I spent the rest of the day with my head down attempting to gain purchase with my allocated tasks.

By five thirty I had got as far as I could with work so called it a day and headed out in to the traffic towards the hotel. Twenty five minutes later I was wandering towards room 309 for the last time and wasted not a moment as I hastily threw my clothes in to a bag. I paused briefly to return my key at the Reception desk before clambering in to the Defender and heading homeward.

I wandered in to The Pile just in time for dinner and was greeted enthusiastically by T&M and even 30% and TP seemed quite pleased to see me.

It comes as a relief that this assignment is virtually over. It hasn't been particularly hard work but it has involved unnecessary travel and hotel stays. In addition the work is poorly defined and insufficient to keep me occupied. As a result I have had to spend long days attempting to look busy on a job that is best described as herding cats.

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* Let me just be clear that a three hour long, "page turn" review of a contract document is most definitely an example of life giving you lemons.

This is not a job

I was out of bed early this morning and walked in to the foyer of the client offices at a quite remarkable half past seven in the morning.

The lack of restaurant facilities at the Travelodge was the impetus for this early start and I turned right and headed for the refectory. I had worked up quite an appetite on the drive in to the office so I pitched up to the counter and ordered the "seven item, Full English". It is fair to say that I wasn't quite ready for the portion size ... the plate was piled so high it was spilling on to the tray and I was charged less than £3 for this cholesterol extravaganza.

I am afraid that was the high point of my working day and for the following ten hours I alternated between reviewing contract documents and just trying to look busy.

As I type this I am sat in the Holiday Inn restaurant with a G&T wondering what the chances are of me being "cut loose" next week.

Anything is better than providing holiday cover.

The grass is always greener ...

Now I have been around long enough to know this idiom well and be aware that generally the word "not" needs to be inserted in to this phrase.

At the moment this metaphor is a recurring theme in my life but today I really was in a grass is greener situation. Let me explain ...

... Last week I stayed at a Holiday Inn and it was OK, nothing great, but it was perfectly acceptable. This week it had no available rooms so I was allowed to book a room that was not featured on Dante's list provided I observed tight spending limits.

As a result I find myself fifty yards away from last week's hotel at a Travelodge and it is an experience that I never want to repeat again EVER!

To call it a shit hole would be paying it a compliment. I can honestly say that it is the cheapest, tattiest arsehole of a place that I have ever encountered and remember I have slept in a mobile home in Monument Valley that smelt of horse piss ... By comparison that place had charm

The room is the most depressing, tatty environment and is long overdue for refurbishment. The walls are perforated by screw holes where infrastructure has been removed and plastic rawlplugs still protrude from the holes. The furniture is made from laminated, particle board that has several unexplained holes where the laminate has come away and the board beneath has been picked at by a succession of depressed "guests" leaving craters an inch or more in diameter. All of the furniture appears to have been soaked with water at some point in its history as the edges have swollen and bulged showing more chipboard peeking out between laminate and edging strip. This has proved to be an irresistible temptation to previous residents too and this to has been picked at repeatedly. The room has the unmistakable odour of air freshener attempting to cover up cigarette smoke and if I highlight any more of its faults I am concerned that I will enter a depression that may take years to recover from.

To make matters worse I had to wander across the car park* to dine at the Holiday Inn as the Travelodge has no restaurant** I therefore was able to experience briefly how green the grass can be before trudging home to accommodation only marginally better than a cardboard box under a bridge on the Oxford ring road.

Roll on Friday.

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* Which has a separate fee! How may hotels do you know where the cheapskate fuckers make you pay for car parking?
** although, based on the state of the room this is probably a very, very good thing

Reservations

The good news, if you can call it that, is that TP's incisor doesn't appear to be fractured and has now been gently* repositioned and splinted while it reattaches to its socket.

The bad news is that this weeks hotel is a Travelodge on the outskirts of Oxford ...

... What have I done to deserve this?

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* although not as gently as TP would have liked