Thursday, 17 March 2011

More Channelling

I have have had a peculiar day. I have had an intense review session with my European colleagues which appeared to go reasonably well but then went tits up because the Chair revoked on the summarising action that he declared at the end of the call.

Instead of taking the "split decision" to a Senior Exec he backed down and now appears to be presenting an "un approved" decision. Needless to say this has caused all sorts of ructions and I propose to move slightly in to the shadows and watch for a few hours to see what happens.

I appreciate that this is not peculiar but what is most strange is that for most of the day I appear to have been channelling an Estate Agent's thoughts and voice. Not just any Estate Agent (Realtor for any US Readers) but one who appears to sell Lairs to Criminals. I am not talking Crack Houses to "Homies" here I am talking about pukka hollowed out mountains to International Shadow Figures. I can't get the bloody voices out of my head....

.... This is the scene; I am in some Swanky Office. You know the sort, high quality images of the residences and their fine interiors, prices that make you wince and walk on. In limps my prospective client, a scar down one side of the face, a cat and a henchman. He enters and in a faint European accent advises that he is looking for a new "base for his operations" and wonders what I have on my books. I escort him in to the office and politely suggest that the Henchman might like a coffee from the machine. Typically the Henchman says nothing and stands stock still. I follow Mr Ex in to the Private office and present a number of glossy brochures.....


I have a number of possible properties on my books at the moment. Perhaps you would like to consider this very traditional Volcano Lair with sliding lake allowing helicopter access direct in to the interior. It dates from the 60's and has been beautifully maintained. The Seller is an old friend and we know that he has had the Lake mechanism serviced annually and it is whisper quiet. We appreciate that some do regard this type of base as somewhat dated but I have to say that retro is "in". It is absolutely delightful and a snip at this asking price.....

....... yes, I am sure that the Volcano is inactive but, of course, we would recommend that all of our Purchasers do avail themselves of a full structural, and in this case, Geological Survey before completion......

..... Yes, this other volcano is slightly more spacious and does have a more modern monorail transit system as opposed to the older electric golf carts but I would point out that there is a slum township on the lower slopes. Some say a cunning disguise but we here say "trashy" and most definitely not you.

If the volcano residence is not for you perhaps we can offer something different. I do appreciate that the Volcano is only really suitable for Gentlemen that operate in a single Geographical Region. As an alternative, have you considered and under sea complex. We have a fine one just adjacent to the Marianas Trench. It is an up and coming area and is perfectly placed for the hijacking of high value goods being transported by shipping including the old favourite; radioactive waste.


I have to say that the views from this residence are absolutely fantastic and there are no troublesome neighbours. Have you seen this interior shot showing the circling sharks ......

..... do you know, I think you are right, that IS a severed hand falling from the jaws of that one on the left.......

..... The previous owner - oh he is a lovely chap. Retired now. got out of the game at the right time and has settled in Devon and runs an organic Veg Box Business as a hobby.....

.... Basically made a mint holding most of the Russian Federation to ransom with a threat of contaminating their oil supply and took the money and ran after considerable cosmetic surgery.....

... No, not you, yes I appreciate that it is a little out of the way and Ocado are never going to deliver.....

.... by the way I just noticed that your cat's titbits look just like severed pinkies, how cute ....

... Oh, they are ........ Well I never ....


.... now, where was I, we've looked at Volcanoes and they are a possibility, the under sea complex is a little oppressive and gloomy, have you ever thought about a Jungle Complex? No, not one of the old ones, they are all sat behind Aztec ruins, are full of spiders and have dodgy air condioning....

.... what I am proposing for you is 90 square miles of pristine Jungle. Total seclusion, great weather and beautiful views and, here is the big plus, you get the Complex that really meets your needs. We happen to have an up and coming Architect who can bring your dreams to life. He has had the perfect upbringing to visualise your needs, develop them further and bring them to life in this verdant setting.

His background gives him the perfect mental perspective to make this work, his mother hated him, his father hated him, his friends mocked him and his teachers loathed him. Even his Teddy preferred to be tied to the front of a dust cart than join him in bed. These experiences have made him the perfect guy to build your base for world domination and a joint degree in Architecture, Politics and Nuclear Physics make him the man to turn your dreams to reality .....

.... No, Oh I see, Mrs Ex isn't keen on that amount of gardening. Hmmm, Ok, we are down to the last one in the pile....

.... I have to warn you that it is expensive and some of my less discerning clients have not been able to pick up on the atmosphere. This one is most definitely gritty and urban in a totally remote, non-urban way......

..... It is perfect for the man who wants to rule the world and will give you the best location for that type of operation. It is delightful, very modern, very monochrome, lots of space, easy maintenance and plenty of parking, no intrusive neighbours, no nearby military bases or aggressive, interfering right wing Governments that want to be seen as whiter than white and try to limit your "operations"....

  ..... viewing, err yes ............ I'm sure we could arrange a viewing although that might not be for a couple of weeks........


... the location, well .......

... it is the dark side of the moon.

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