Sock worms.

Over the past couple of weeks I seem to have been suffering from an attack of sock worms.

For anyone lucky enough not to have encountered them they are the moles of the sock drawer. Basically virtually every pair I have selected to go with the outfit chosen for the day has a nasty thin patch that looks like it has been made from a fine net.

This is obviously an example of evolution in progress and I must get in touch with Richard Dawkins about this. When I was a child - "What do you mean, WHEN?" quote 30% - the sock worms used to gnaw large holes in socks usually in the heel or toe area. They were obviously gaining nourishment from the sock and possibly using some of the sock fluff for nesting material. Nowadays the species of sock worm that have infested my sock draw seem to graze over the ball of the foot areas leaving a thin area that is not a hole but is definitely not a sock.

This is either evolution or a species new to science. What concerns me is that, like most people, my sock drawer is in close proximity to my underwear draw and the effects of sock worms grazing on my magic pants could be catastrophic. Imagine the possible results. I could climb the stairs and find some colossal annelid that looks like it belongs in Star Wars - remember, the one that lived in the asteroid and nearly ate the Millennium Falcon - or Frank Herbert's Dune thrashing around on the landing with the most fearsome jaws dripping ooze on to the rug.

This is obviously not a scenario I want to walk in to because I have quite a lot of work on at the moment and really don't need to have to be Googling giant worm pest eradication and then waiting ages for the man to come round because "its that time of year" and "You wouldn't believe how common a problem these are nowadays".

So, appropriate measures have been taken. Any socks showing signs of infestation have been removed from the drawer and have been incinerated in a device formerly used for dealing with biohazardous materials thrown away. The chest of drawers has been professionally fumigated.- "About time too" quote 30%- and a friend of a friend has advised us to use lavender. For the Love of God! I want them dead, not smelling nice and think that DDT would be more appropriate.

30% came home via the supermarket and presented me with a bundle of Leisure Socks. "I saw these and thought of you" she said with an ironic expression that clearly meant that she felt the term leisure was most appropriate.

Now, I have never seen a "made outside the EEC" persons foot but I know that foot binding has been illegal for may years so I am pretty sure that "made outside the EEC" feet look very much like any other human feet on the planet. Why, then, is a "made outside the EEC" sock shaped like a baggy, fluffy tube with a slight bend about half way along its length? Also, WAKE UP - One size does not fit all. If you make socks that are size 6-11 you are fine if you have giant clod hopper feet but if you foot is diminutive you are going to end up with a load of surplus sock bunched up at the end of your shoes.

You put the dreadful things on, walk around for about 30 seconds and the bloody things seem to rotate around their longitudinal axis so that the pseudo heel sits on top of your foot making them irritating at best and damned uncomfortable if you are wearing shoes.

After the attack of the sock worm and the failed trial of "made outside the EEC" leisure socks  I took a trip to a reliable supplier of Gentleman's apparel and found that it is still possible to buy socks that are the same size and shape as my feet. If you lay them out they are foot shaped. They have heels and toes and come in a range of sizes that they fit inside shoes.

I see from the news yesterday that Sir Terry Leahy is leaving Tesco. Obviously my letter of complaint about the socks had the impact I had hoped for. I shall expect the new Guy to fall on his sword if I ever buy a corked bottle of wine.