Slow Day

Bloody Hell! What am I going to write about today? If Monday and Tuesday were "quiet" Wednesday was like an empty Morgue...

... TP was off school today due to the strike being held by the Civil and Public Service "workers". He decided to take a trip in to Worcester with a couple of his mates so my working day was only slightly disrupted by his day care requirements viz collection from the City Walls Road Car Park at four o'clock and the writing of a cheque for his Guitar lesson. Other than that, I barely felt his presence.

Golfy and I had an extended work discussion that covered a variety of key subject areas*, none of which I can recall, but that took up a good chunk of the morning.

I also managed to relocate the new tumble dryer from the hall to the cellar where it will be chained to the wall, in the damp darkness and will be expected to perform it's drying duties without thanks until it expires like the last one**.

After lunch I took T&M for a walk and had yet another gossiping session with Golfy before departing on the aforementioned mission to Worcester.

The evening saw me in charge of cooking supper which, with the assistance of a call from 30%, was timed to perfection and was served up within 5 minutes of her walking through the door at 7:15.

That's just about it for Wednesday.

---

*50% gossip, 30% nonsense, 4% work, 15% death threats and general ill wishes to fellow workers
** a little harsh perhaps but 30% won't allow me to incarcerate anyone without trial down there so I have the Tumble Dryer in the iron mask and imagine the rest.

Virgin on the ridiculous!

It was another quiet day today. I did however instigate a piece of Manager Manipulation or, as Golfy puts it, major creeping...

... every week we have a team call and, for some strange reason, the Chair is usually too busy to host it so I end up with the job and the resulting minutes. To be honest I don't mind. Its not a tough gig and and my idiot Boss probably thinks its a more significant activity than it actually is.

To say my manager is a bit geeky is a bit like saying that the Pope is slightly catholic and, for balance, that the Devil may not have you best interests at heart when he directs you to Molten Brimstone Pool#14. Yes, he absolutely loves technology* and will spend hours farting around to automate an activity when a repeating meeting invite and a couple of emails will do the trick. My perception manipulation creeping was to emulate this technology fetish and perform a similar activity for the weekly team meeting. I had a Mmwahaha moment as I removed another potential area of criticism from the nitpicking idiot's list of doom.

Other News: on a fairly frequent basis the tabloids will print a picture of a crisp or slice of toast that bears a slight resemblance to an iconic figure such as Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  Quite how anyone knows what Jesus or TVM actually looks like mystifies me since they both pre-date the daguerreotype by the best part of two millennia.  What they are actually saying is that they have found a potato that looks like Robert Powell** or the front cover of The Ladybird book; The little lord Jesus...

... I may have rambled off there but I am slowly getting the point. Today I went for one of my 5-a-day and found this in the fruit bowl

Its a bloody miracle

If you look closely in the right lighting you can see that it bears a slight resemblance to a Virgin Atlantic airliner. I'm guessing that its just not clear enough to be picked up by The Press.

---

* My Manager. I'm not sure whether the Devil is a Mac User or not.
** Powell played the lead in Jesus of Nazareth in the 1970's

Picture Post. No. 15

It was another quiet day today. My most significant achievement at work was to achieve a score of 86% in  an on-line test covering the training material I reviewed last week. I suppose I should have considered taking the test again and aiming for a clean sheet but to be honest I have already had experience of including this type of service in a solution and know that there is a team of Specialists that have to be brought in to work out what to do and and how much it costs. I am assuming that those guys are more than capable of attaining 100% in the test and I am therefore satisfied that my paltry score indicates that I know who to contact and what they would be proposing.

That, I am afraid to say, was the most significant activity at work today. I have plans for the rest of the week but the only other thing that occupied me today was to finish clipping Tyson and Marauders' hind feet. For some reason they get rather fidgety so I only clipped their faces and front legs yesterday and  today I addressed the remaining tootsies. They now look reasonably presentable but there is some extensive brushing and de-tangling to be done as their coats are getting quite long.

The lack of news means that it is time for another Picture Post. This one is yet another from our Summer Holiday and is the Grizzly Bear we encountered near Mount Washburn

It was a long way off even with a 300mm lens

It may not be a great photo but it was a real treat to spend nearly an hour watching the bear wander across the hillside grubbing around amongst the herbage for whatever morsels it could find and this is a great reminder of that day.

Weekend round-up

Saturday's activities had been set in stone for a good few months as we were off to Twickenham to see The Barbarians play Australia. This was the final element of TP's array of Birthday surprises. TP has a close friend; Nathan and their birthdays are only a few days apart. As a result of the birthday proximity and their friendship their celebrations frequently have a degree of overlap. This year 30% arranged the Top Gear Live event and Nathan's Mum; Trish arranged the trip to Twickenham.

At ten o'clock we* all climbed in to the car and set off down South. In accordance with my usual approach I had failed to do much up front planning based on my sketchy knowledge of the local Geography** and my blind faith that there would be adequate car parking in close proximity to the Stadium...

I'm sure that I have now wandered in to an alternate reality as, again, The Gods smiled upon me and we turned on the Sat Nav to be immediately instructed to take the Staines junction of the M25 and cruise up the A316 straight up to Stadium. We circled a roundabout and pulled in to a temporary car park at Richmond College and were only 200 yards from the Ground and even on the right side of the carriageway for a rapid departure back towards the motorway.

We had a great day and saw some cracking Rugby. It was slightly unfortunate that most of the Rugby was played by Australia and the final score of 60:11 says it all.

As for Sunday, it was pretty unusual. I drove TP to rugby practice and took T&M for a walk while 30% stayed at The Pile and did a serious amount of tidying.

After lunch the dogs were given a much needed clip to their faces and feet and the rest of the day was spent doing as little as possible.

All in all a rather pleasant weekend.

---

* Me, Trish, TP and Nathan
** I spent 6 years living just South of the River in Motspur Park, New Malden and "sort of" used to know my way around Staines, Richmond etc

Red Letter Day

Friday: I thought I'd got a reasonable Friday arranged for myself. If my in-box were a swimming pool it would most definitely be the shallow end*. I have no conference calls scheduled and all I need to do is complete a few on-line training courses before a civilised finish at five o'clock. How could you improve on that without taking a day's holiday?

Basically this was one of those days where I was eating the apple and expecting to find the worm at any point. At lunchtime I was halfway through a slice of toast when my Manager** pinged me on the Instant Messenger ...

... "Oh Shit" I thought, rapidly followed by "what does this twat want" and finishing with "I'm about to get dumped on". I grudging agreed to taking his call pointing out that I was free, if being half way through a sandwich fell in to his definition of free. I did but a smiley face on the end but was, in fact, being sarcastic***. Apparently being half way through lunch is free and I am of a mind to start some tests to see how formal the meal has to be before he doesn't call ....

Manager:   bad man, are you free for a call?

bad man:    I'm carving a roast swan for the Queen

Manager:   That's fine, it will only take a couple of minutes

bad man:    Sorry Maj, I'll get rid of this dick and then I'll dish up the roast potatoes.

Apologies for wandering off the point, I took the call and was somewhat amazed to find that I had been granted a Service Excellence Award and would be receiving the princely sum of $500 in my next salary payment. I was obviously chuffed with this but I STILL THINK THAT HE IS A COMPLETE COCK and he proved that by putting his usual tarnish on everything he touches.

Manager:   remember that that is dollars not pounds

bad man:    yep, got that

Manager:   and that it is subject to tax and national insurance deductions

bad man:    shut up before we reach the point where I owe you money!

So all in all my working day looked good at the start and actually improved. I am now slightly worried that I may have actually entered an alternative reality because I am fairly sure that there is a Natural Law that states that an easy day at work can only get worse, much worse.

---

* I think that this is a great analogy, even down to the fact that it has used plasters floating in it i.e. things you neither need or want to see.
** I refuse to call him my Boss on the grounds that suggests a degree of familiarity or even conviviality between us
*** unusual for me, I know.

I usually just let things pan out

Today I had actually put some effort in to planning my day ...

... Golfy and I were to meet up at The Nearest Circle of Hell. The aim was to have the shortest possible day stood in pools of molten brimstone and then retire to the nearest public house for a couple of drinks. This, as plans go, is pretty good and quite achievable. I do have some absolutely fantastic plans  but I do tend to find that my truly great visions tend to be quite hard to complete, By way of an example, the plan to draw a huge cock on my manager's front lawn in a strong solution of Round-up* was truly inspired but realistically it is never going to happen**.

Anyway, back to my scheduling, the plan was to work then visit the pub with Golfy, Grandad Jack and The Navvy. To fill my working day I arranged a couple of meetings interspersed with plenty of tea breaks. Now anyone who knows me well will be thinking "surely he means coffee breaks" but today, for some reason, the coffee was not sitting well with me and I spent the day drinking tea.

Apologies for the mundane digression there, the other great thing about this planning was that I had totally managed to avoid the School skiing trip meeting at seven o'clock by way of the fact that I would be sat laughing and joking in the pub; RESULT. Fortunately my delegation skills meant that 30% took on this parental duty ***

So, the day started and ran pretty well to plan. One of the meetings was an "interview". Our team has a monthly newsletter and every month one of the team gets selected picked on for a light hearted interview. This month the spinning bottle stopped at me and I had to sit and answer a string of the most peculiar questions. I won't recount them here to preserve my anonymity but needless to say Golfy and Grandad had huge laughs at my expense based on one of the answers I gave.

Apparently I am now the living embodiment of Elton John and apparently this is payback for the incredibly accurate e-fit photo of Golfy I produced a few weeks back.

The pub was fun but we all came to the conclusion that a couple of drinks was a dangerous point to stop as there was an incredible temptation to just keep going. Basically this is drinking equivalent of coitus interruptus.

I rolled on to the drive at eight in the evening and TP and 30% arrived a few minutes later. Supper was had in front of the TV and we basked in the warm glow of knowing that tomorrow is Friday.

---

* a systemic weedkiller
** only because I don't have his home address
*** Don't worry all you fans of equality ; I'll pay for this a thousand fold

I was doing something else

I have been moaned at by Golfy and the Mad Bat for the scarcity of Journal entries over the past couple of weeks. So  now I am back at work, I will do my best to avoid doing what I should be doing and will scrawl instead.

Why haven't I blogged? I don't really know. I just, sort of, lost the urge. There wasn't a huge amount going on and there was only so many times I could write "I walked the dogs" or "I did some cooking" before I felt responsible for engendering a feeling of extreme tedium in anyone that cared to linger here.

This is not to say that stuff didn't happen, I just didn't feel like weaving it in to a narrative. I guess that I just got plain lazy. So for all of you that have persevered with a bad man's journal here is list of some of the shit that happened over the past week or so ....

• I did make the Puy Lentil and Bacon soup. TP & 30% really liked it*
• I took TP and two of his chums to see Top Gear Live at the NEC**
• I paid a further visit to the Dentist to have a crown fitted ***
• I had my retinas photographed
• The camera that failed  on holiday was returned from the repair shop
• I took Marauder to the vets on two separate occasions ****
• I went to Motorcycle Live 2011 at the NEC

So there you have it, as my hand slowly healed I discovered what life would be like if I took early retirement...

... And now I am back at work and am spending the first few days clearing the e-mails that have built up and completing some mandated training. It is possible that I may have slightly exaggerated the amount of training and email to my Manager.

Other news: I now have irrefutable evidence that 30% cannot slice bread.

That's 25 degrees off vertical

Now I agree that this approach does give you a larger slice but if you are going to use that argument you may as well slice the loaf horizontally.  This bread assault is a regular occurrence in our house and there have been occasions where I have had to rectify a "compound mitre de pain" before my morning toast can be made.

---

* I'm yet to be persuaded.
** It was exactly as you would expect it to be
*** That bloody hurt ... "No Mr bad man, we don't numb you up for a crown fitting"
**** That cost over £100 but at least I no longer need to mop up dog pee

TP's 15th

Today is TP's birthday and the day started with cards and presents before he left for school. His main gift was an Electro Acoustic guitar and he was absolutely delighted with it. He has had an electric guitar for a good few years and, for reasons of his own, now wants to revert back to the more natural sounds of an acoustic. We therefore settled on a Takamine G series electro-acoustic Dreadnought to give him the best of both worlds and fortunately our present choice was exactly what he wanted - Phew.

A leisurely morning followed until a mild case of guilt set in and then I rustled up a couple of litres of leek and potato soup. I also finally got round to slicing the black back bacon that I had started curing a couple of weeks ago. This had spent a week in a dry cure and a further week coated in black treacle. After slicing I ended up with 4.5 lbs of sweet cured bacon plus another few ounces of lardons. The rashers are now sat in the freezer and the lardons may well end up in a Puy Lentil and Bacon soup.

The evening saw a Chinese take away served as the Birthday supper and we were joined by 30%'s brother and his good lady who came bearing gifts and cards.

Busier than expected

Wednesday's culinary offering was Butter Bean & Bacon soup. The recipe is pretty much as Delia Smith set it down so there is no need to reproduce it here. Its a great recipe, definitely got the "thumbs up"  and made sufficient to provide a lunch for me and 30% and also a portion for the freezer.

After making lunch I took 30%, T & M round the Three Miler. 30% was a dreadful nuisance, always stopping or lingering behind or running up to strangers and annoying them.  I have obviously been somewhat remiss and need to ensure that she is kept under proper control the next time I take her out for a walk.

Lunch followed the walk and then we were paid a visit by The Mad Bat. A visit from MB is always fun and a good hour or so was spent drinking tea and catching up with the news from the other end of the village. If it seems strange at The Pile there is a whole new level of lunacy in MB's locale*.

Having seen MB off the premises, Step Mum Sue walked through the door to drop off TP's birthday present. More tea was drunk and further news was shared.

The evening saw me visit the Consultant to have the stitches removed from my hand. All is well with the incision site and the dressing can finally come off in a couple of days. Apparently I am also OK to drive after the weekend ...

... I ignored this advice as I'm not prepared to stay in Droitwich until next Monday and climbed in to the Defender and trundled back home.

---

* Remember Village Idiot lives closer to her than us !

Goodness! Things to do

Tuesday was quite busy compared to my recent sparse agenda. After seeing TP off to school and 30% off to work I got busy in the kitchen. Today's effort was a batch of vegetable soup. It is incredibly straightforward and takes little effort and I have noted it down below if anyone cares to give it a try ...

• 12 oz carrots (peeled and cut in to 2" lengths)
• 12 oz celeriac (peeled and cut in to 2" cubes)
• 12 oz leeks (peeled, washed, halved and cut in to 2" lengths)
• 1 large onion (peeled and roughly chopped)
• 6 oz parsnips (peeled and cut in to 2" lengths)
• 6 oz potatoes (peeled and cut in to 2" cubes)
• 3 bay leaves
• salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 3.75 pints of stock (vegetable, chicken or a combination of the two)

• I weighed and prepared the ingredients as described above and put them in a large Slow Cooker and simply left them cooking for about 6 hours.
• After it had cooled a little the soup was liquidised and is ready to eat or freeze. A swirl of cream or crème fraiche and a few chopped chives can be added when serving.

Having got the soup on the go I had a quick chat with Tigger before taking T&M for a walk round a very gloomy and very soggy Three Miler. It is fair to say that Autumn has most definitely arrived.

Back home I had time for lunch and twenty minutes with my head in a book* before I was out again. This time it was a trip over to the Dentist to have a 30 minute crown preparation appointment. I'm no great fan of the Dentist but I have to admit that it was nowhere near as bad as it sounds. The final fitting is scheduled for next week and that shouldn't be too bad either. The appointment took up a good chunk of the afternoon and the book and soup blending took up the remainder.

We then all had an early supper before we headed over to Warwick Arts Centre to see Steven Merchant on his Hello Ladies tour. I am mostly familiar with Merchant from his involvement in The Office and the occasional appearances with his writing partner Ricky Gervais. I say occasional  as Gervais is one of the few people that has me reaching for the off button on the remote control as I find him intensely irritating. Consequently I was not particularly familiar with Mr Merchant. I have to say that he was absolutely brilliant. He was laugh out loud funny and his 6' 7" gangling frame gives him a naturally comedic appearance. His material was sharp and very well written and he had an amazing ability to engage with the audience and poke fun at himself.

It was a great night and I hope he does more solo work as I would definitely recommend him.

---

* Sovereign by C J Sansom - not his best,  but still very good

What's for Supper?

A while back I had the idea of using the Journal to jot down recipes for some of the things I cook as I have a tendency to adapt them rather than slavishly follow cook book instructions*. One such example is a Pea & Ham soup recipe that is a family favourite but that one will have to wait until I have a couple of Gammon Hocks...

... Today 30% asked me to marinate a fillet of Salmon. I'm not a huge fan of the farmed, pink fish but there are occasions when it is sold at a price that is just to good to be true. The aforementioned fillet was taken from a whole fish reduced to a ridiculously low price. It was brought home and filleted and frozen.

A few years back after eating yet another bland chunk of farmed Salmon I finally decided to get creative and this is what I came up with ...

• grind a level teaspoon of black peppercorns in a mortar
• add a couple of dried red chillies and grind them too
• next add a level teaspoon of salt, 4 crushed cloves of garlic, a handful of roughly chopped fresh rosemary and grind to release the flavours
• finally add a good glug of Worcester Sauce and 2 tablespoons of olive oil and mix well
• place the Salmon skin side down in an oven proof container and brush liberally with the marinade
• now cover with cling film and leave in the fridge for a minimum of 6 hours
• finally pan fry  or bake - whichever you prefer

It works really well and gives the fish a much needed boost. We usually serve it with fresh green vegetables and new potatoes for an easy weekday supper. The other great thing about this recipe is that it can be varied depending on what you have in the store cupboard/herb garden. The chillies can be replaced with Sun Dried tomatoes to give it a more Mediterranean feel.

---

* I then have a tendency to forget what I have done - hence the idea of jotting them down here as an aide mémoire

Weekend round up

Saturday saw me take a take a trip over to see the Orthopaedic Consultant. His brief appraisal went along the lines of; very good, take more pain killers, do more exercises, see me on Wednesday to have the stitches out.

The afternoon involved a trip in to Worcester to buy TP's Birthday present and a few other sundry items. After making the major purchase there was the inevitable moment of concern about whether we had bought the "right thing" in view of the fickle and shifting whims of the modern teenager. Fortunately 30% carried out some subtle investigations and it appears that I am unlikely to need to exchange the item.

Moving on to Sunday we found ourselves at the Rugby Club for the second match of the season. TP's enthusiasm for rugby has waned slightly recently and my own personal opinion is that this is as a result of a poor decision about his preferred playing position combined with a little bit of peer pressure from a couple of his so called mates.

Fortunately he was moved in from the Wing to Outside Centre and had an absolutely cracking game which featured some solid tackles and some nifty footwork that saw him break through the opposition's defence, run 40 yards and score a try just 10 feet away from the posts. The final score was 27: 7 to TP's team and this seems to have recharged his enthusiasm ...

... although I am tempted to have a quiet word with his mates.

Picture Post. No. 14

The recovering hand hampers both activity and the recording of the limited range of activities achievable. There is only so much I can report about dog walking, cooking and the Satellite TV scheduling before tedium sets in here so Lord knows how that limited repertoire would sit with anyone who cares to linger here.

As a consequence of my limited ability to type I have continued my review of this year's holiday photos and am presenting a selection here.

Today's selection are Elk and Bison that we encountered in during our drive of the South Loop in Yellowstone National Park.

Bull Elk

Elk Cows

Bison Bull

I am really pleased with the back lit shot of the Bison Bull. He had just swam across a river and crossed the road in front of our car. He then proceeded to shake himself dry just alongside us. Right Place, right time.

Picture Post. No. 13

Today's accomplishment was a beef stew that is now sat bubbling gently in the slow cooker.

With such low level of productivity I decided to go with another Picture Post.

This selection were taken around the Upper Geyser Basin in the Yellowstone National Park on days 7 and 8 of our US holiday. This area is best known for the Old Faithful Geyser which is famed for its regularity. While we were there it was erupting every ninety minutes or thereabouts. It is very impressive but one does tend to get a little blasé about it after the fourth or fifth eruption.

One evening we were sat talking to a local who recounted the tale of the tour bus driver who told his passengers that it was OK to walk up to the geysers mouth. Apparently a Japanese tourist was hurried away from a close inspection of the vent unaware that the surface has a tendency to give way and that the geyser spout is a combination of super heated water and steam.

Old Faithful, Yellowstone National Park

Old Faithful at sun set

The Upper Geyser basin is a fantastic place and the Thermal Pools are quite mesmerising. They are crystal clear allowing one to see right in to their depths with their amazing architecture of mineral growths and multicoloured mats of thermophilic bacteria. The Geysers are very impressive but for me it was colour, clarity and structures of the pools that really captured my attention.

Mineral formations and thermophilic bacteria

The Morning Glory Pool

Ouch!

The decline in to decrepitude continues ...

... today the dentist informed me that the large amalgam filling in the rear molar just had to go and be replaced by a nice new crown. 

What's cooking?

Today I offered to cook this evening's supper and had enough forethought to ask 30% to open the cans of tomatoes before she left for work as I had no chance of completing that task with my bandaged mitt.

I had further realised why I have been removed from active duty when it took me the best part of an hour to peel the onions and mushrooms in preparation for a Bolognaise sauce.

The spaghetti bolognaise turned out really well and was wolfed down by 30% and TP when they came home after Rugby practice.

Apart from that the day was relatively mundane. The dogs were walked and there was an "incident" with Marauder near the Poultry Farm but other than that I sat around and healed.

I need a plan

Three weeks, Twenty One days, THREE WEEKS.

It is Monday and I am now at home having been judged not fit for work for three weeks. After running around like a maniac for the past few weeks on the latest project I was thinking I would enjoy some enforced leave but now I am not so sure.

For starters the transition from 100% to zero mental effort is a bit of a jolt to the brain and that is combined with the frustration of only having one hand in full working order. Basically I am sat at home with a load of things I would like to do but even the simplest jobs need to be assessed and reworked so that they can be accomplished with one good hand and one little better than a boxing glove.

I have worked out that dog walking is feasible so that takes up an hour of my day and general tidying is well within my limits so that should take up more than my three weeks of sick leave. However heavy items or anything remotely grubby or soggy is most definitely off limits so garage projects are unfortunately not going to happen which is a real shame. 

I really enjoy working with my hands as well as my head and I really wish I was able to knock up something in the garage over the next few weeks. I'm not even able to drive so it looks like it will be limited to TV, books and tidying.

Ho hum!

Sick Note

It is up to you to decide which of the following three approaches I have used to jot down today's Journal entry;

1. Using a stick attached to a band around my forehead to peck at the keys
2. Dictation via 30%'s supreme typing skills*
3. Child exploitation of TP by making him do it** 

It was an early start and 30% was an absolute angel to get out of bed at half past six to have me over in Droitwich for seven thirty. I was soon wearing a surgical gown and by nine thirty I was lay on the table having large quantities of local anaesthetic  pumped in to my left hand.

15 minutes later it was all done and dusted and I was being monitored for complications before being trundled back to my room. After a quick cuppa and a snooze I called the saintly 30% and she selflessly dropped everything to come and pick up the  ingrate  invalid.

I collected my "Get out of Jail Free Card" Doctor's Note and was soon being chauffeured back to The Pile to spend the day catching up on some TV and sleep on the sofa.

---

* He I very much under values me her and he I should show some bloody gratitude and appreciation by going out and buying me her something nice like a Mulberry handbag 
** very much like option 2 but with more shouting

It just gets worse

By now the corpse of the Badger is very smelly indeed but still surprisingly bloated.

"bad man, how can it be that big? The magpies and crows have been pecking at it for three weeks"...

 ... actually it was a lot more "shouty" than that!

"Your assumptions are wrong, make different assumptions"....

... I did have the genius idea of this one; It is assumed that there will be a breakthrough in Fusion Power generation in the next few months that will lead to electricity being free at the point of delivery by mid 2012. This assumption would solve many of my problems but, for some reason, Tigger was not keen to progress with this one now he is in charge of the Enterprise ...

... Try not to crash it Matey

Role Play

Today Tigger attended a cultural awareness course. This involved him having his orange bits painted black so he could start to experience life from a Panther's perspective*...

"How was it Tigger?"

"Pooh it was great. I ate three deer and a Native who was planting pineapples. Pass me the dental floss will you old bean"

Back in the real world today has been pretty much the same as yesterday. Hence this nonsense rather than the usual griping about resources and costs.

---

* This may not be true

Thought for the Day

Did you ever watch Changing Rooms? It was a BBC Makeover show where two Celebrity Designers would be teamed with a two home owning couples. They would then survey a  problem room in each house and then, here's the catch, they would then swap homes and sort out each other's problem room over the course of a weekend.

Now, as someone who likes DIY and home decorating, I used to watch the programme and wince at the corners that were cut and think what an absolutely dreadful job they would deliver. Everyone knows that "the key to decoration is preparation" and if you only have 48 hours your room will look like you employed Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles to do the job*.

Now you might wonder why this is my thought for today. Basically the current project is being run using the Changing Rooms approach - lets do a quick and dirty job, it'll be fine because it will only be viewed through a cathode ray tube and no-one will see the spiders in the gloss and the massive cracks that we didn't have time to fill.

Unfortunately the couples have now swapped back and they aren't happy**

---

* You can bet they aren't cheap either!
** everyone seems to forget that they signed up to the show in the first place

Mission Impossible

Tuesday started with the Admiral's Team briefing and Tigger and I were there to recount the sorry state of the Enterprise. I gave my report as concisely as possible and watched all hell break loose. The Admiral was incredibly aggressive and seemed to be suffering a complete loss of memory about the train of events that lead us to where we are now. I stood my ground and took the flack and the net result is that a call needed to be held to see if we could progress the Mission with the Enterprise taking a less prominent role.

An interesting diversion was at the tail end of the briefing where one of the other Captains and our Commodore had verbal fisticuffs about crew numbers. We are reliably informed that there are NO issues with crew numbers...

... apparently the issue is with the way that Admirals are asking Captains to crew their ships. My Winnie-the-Pooh understanding of this is that all emergency situations now need to be planned in advance.

As Lunchtime approached Tigger and I stepped away from the problematic Replicator, it just will not dispense Hunny, and spent a happy hour in a briefing with another Captain. His plan is for the Enterprise to take a far less prominent role on the Mission and less prominence means less Glory. 

So it looks like, at best, we will limp along at the tail end of the fleet do the stuff that nobody else wants to do.

Now this might seem a bit cynical but certain Individuals have mentioned that we might have been set up on the current project. The thought is that we are in the "game" to make the US look good. Let's call it the Levis theory...

... even the most simple imbecile knows that a pair of Levis will cost far more in the UK than if you buy them in the US. This applies to many consumer goods and services, cars, property, food; they are all cheaper in the US.

The current project has the UK and US pricing a similar range of Services to present two pricing options to the client. The Sales Execs seem to be totally unaware of the Levis theory and think that we should be near to like for like costs with a small delta for additional UK activities.

There is a lot of "Make it so" management direction with absolute failure to acknowledge the fundamental flaws with the approach and the issues of resourcing and time lines.

I am very much looking  forward to receiving the tender ministrations of Nurse Chapel in a few days time.

They're not happy

The working week commences. Tigger and I are sat in the Briefing Cabin of the Enterprise pulling together our latest Mission Plan after the Admiral puked* all over last week's reports.

He needs us to get The Enterprise to the Gamma Quadrant Trade Negotiations by the end of the week and is not happy about the amount of gold pressed latinun we need to get her out of Space Dock. "You are incompetents" he bawled at us this morning. His rant continued with "I could procure a brand new ship from the Chinese Colony on New Beijing for the price you are quoting for having the Injectors recalibrated".

I'm guessing that our quip "Yes, but would you want to trust it to get you to the moon, let alone Vulcan?" whilst precise, was not the best judged of responses.

Basically he thinks we have had the Replicators re-programmed to deliver nothing but haute cuisine  and fine wine and that we have re-crewed the Enterprise with a team of the best looking, most highly qualified Mission Specialists in the Sector...

... We haven't. We just threw what we could together in the limited time available and he is a bit pissed off because we didn't have to time to got the planet Lidl to get everything cheap in a dented container with a label you don't recognise.

In the real world our review of our costs has made some significant reductions but the US are still not happy with them and I have spent a significant part of the afternoon having my arse chewed by American Salesmen. I'd like to take a moment to thank my UK Exec who stood to one side and let me take the bullets for him.

Cheers Mike.

---

* He claimed that he had Aldebaran Flu but I think it was too much Romulan Ale.

It is Monday tomorrow

The day started with the Rugby World Cup final but I rapidly got bored. I have no national affinity with either the All Blacks or the French so watching a fairly mundane match between the two was never going to reach the top of my "must do" list. I wandered over to the laptop and fired off a few work e-mails while 30% watched the second half.

After the match we threw T&M in to the back of The Defender and took them for a walk through a piece of Forestry land near where TP plays rugby. We had a great walk through the plantation and there were pheasants aplenty for T&M to pursue.

In the afternoon I took the Honda out of the garage and popped over to see Chippy Ian. I needed to return  a couple of books I had borrowed and took the opportunity for a ride as the upcoming hand operation means that I am unlikely to be doing much bike riding this side of next Spring. We had a cuppa and good old natter and he was keen to pick up the Ducati from Cheltenham if my hand prevented me riding it back.

The late afternoon saw further time spent in front of the laptop "polishing the turd". The latest project is a complete pile of rubbish in that the requirements are very expensive but the salesmen want to sell it cheaply. I am between Scylla and Charybdis here. If I drop the costs the solution will not be viable, if I keep them at a viable level the Sales Guys are not willing to present them to the customer. Basically I'm buggered.

I therefore put work to one side and did something worthwhile instead. 30% had bought a pork loin joint and it is now sat in the fridge on day one of the dry curing process. By the end of the week we will have 2.5 kilos of back bacon. I am guessing that it will then spend another week being massaged in Black Treacle as the Black Bacon has become very popular in these parts.

If I look back at my day I see that there were many good things that happened and I enjoyed them all. So why does the day feel like I have been sat under a grey sky when I look back at it? I'm guessing that might be the latest project.

If all goes to plan ...

Saturday started with a trip out to see an Orthopaedic Specialist in Droitwich. After a brief consultation he confirmed my layman's diagnosis and advised that my treatment plan was correct too ...

... I will be in for day surgery next Saturday. It is a recurrence of Trigger Finger in my left index finger and a brief procedure will be required to rectify it. Hopefully on this occasion there will be no nerve damage as happened when I left my right index finger in the hands of the NHS in August last year.

If all goes to plan the recuperation period* will facilitate my disengagement from the current projects and I'll be back in work just about the time the next big one is ready to start up. The big one has been on the books for weeks now but whenever anyone is asked it is always "at least another two weeks off"  or the even more discouraging "no news at the moment".

After the Consultation 30% and I drove over to Worcester to pick up TP's bike from Hallfords where it had been in for gear surgery. TP himself is spending a few days with Mama and Grandma so there will be no need to haul ourselves in to the car for Rugby Practice tomorrow morning.

Once home 30% and I lunched and then I took T&M for a wander around the Three Miler. While we were out 30%'s friend "Pinkie" and her children arrived so T&M had a 6 and 9 year old to play with on our return.

The rest of the day really faded away. A few work e-mails were dispatched, supper was cooked and eaten and the TV was switched on....

... and then off again not that much later.

---

* at least a week away from work

"SMIs"

Earlier this week I made reference to SMIs or Subject Matter Idiots to avoid the TLA.

In the old days these used to be called Subject Matter Experts and they were an absolute boon to the Jack of all Trades Outsourcing Solutioning Lead. These guys would know the best and cheapest way to do all matter of clever things and would know who to check with in other areas to ensure that there were no gaps and no overlaps. Where are they now?

Tigger and I bump in to them occasionally and they are a delight to work with but we are seeing more and more SMIs. These are people that are paid like SMEs but think like they are on minimum wage. They are verging on a waste of skin. They may be nice people but having a good sense of humour and an easy going manner is not going to get me a realistic set of costs by Monday morning. I really need skill, acumen and dedication and my SMI's do not appear to be able to spell these attributes let alone present them.

Let me give you a couple of examples. Tigger and me are working with a team of about eight people. At least two of them do not actually have the ability to use a job critical tool. This means that Tigger has been forced to use it for them. This tool is fundamental to the job we all do and I am being provided with untrained support. This is a bit like expecting a Pizza delivery guy to drive an articulated lorry. He knows the "rules of the road" but is certainly not qualified to drive a 44 tonne truck.

Example number two is actually about the cheapest way to do a particular task. I have one SMI who is a really nice guy. He is willing and is doing his best but had a very high cost in his sub-project. I pointed out that he had a 1,000 man-days of work all being done in the UK and that he could very easily have 700 of those days performed by less expensive Indian labour. I told him this verbally last week and again at the beginning of this week. I put it in an e-mail to him on Tuesday and fuck me if on Friday he still had this bloody work being done in the UK. I asked him why and he advised that he was unaware of how this could be done. I pointed out to him that we had taken this approach on the last project we had won and gave him names of people that were actually doing what we proposed. I ended up having to send him copies of e-mails from the previous project to prove that his area of Speciality were doing what I said.

How on Earth am I expected to stand a cat's chance in Hell of getting a decent set of project costs together when I am working with nice people but lacking the skills or specialist knowledge they are expected to have. Now I know that everyone has got to start somewhere and 12 months ago I was a novice in this area but I had some valid background experience and I when I came across something that I didn't understand I went and asked someone who did.

I didn't know I could still do that

I'll avoid work today as it is most definitely a case of the same old story. I will only mention one incident in the day where I was hosting a virtual team meeting and, at 12 minutes in to the call, I had to repeat my Introduction for the third time as late comers were still joining. I did take a moment out of the call to comment on their poor time management as the ignorant sods didn't even have the manners to introduce themselves or apologise for their tardiness....

.... that was a bit of a "tumble-weed moment" and hopefully they felt suitably chastised.

The subject of today's Journal entry is our local Plumber who arrived today to reconnect a radiator that had been disconnected to allow me to fit some skirting boards. All seemed to be going well and after an hour or so he advised that he had finished and would drop an invoice through the door at the weekend. As soon as he left I let Noggin and Tog out as they had been shut in the "soon to be Dining Room" out of the way. Imagine my surprise horror to see water pouring through the ceiling. I slipped on a pair of shoes and sprinted, yes actually bloody sprinted, the 200 yards down the road to the Plumbers house in the vain hope that he was going home rather than on the way to another job....

... The Gods smiled upon me and he was just getting out of his van. I still had enough breath to advise that I had a leak and we were back at the house a couple of minutes later.  Fortunately it was nothing major. Basically the daft sod had left a radiator valve open when he partially drained the system and had forgotten to close it when he re-pressurised. There is no major damage done as the ceiling is scheduled to be ripped down and re-plastered and there was no electrical components or wiring near the leak.

Phew!

Quote of the Day ...

I was hosting a conference call this afternoon where we discussed our latest set of project costs. My summation was as follows ...

... We are like Magpies pecking at the bloated corpse of a badger in the road.

Picture Post. No. 12

Wednesday has mostly been Tigger and me being "gently" interrogated about the poor state of the Star Ship Enterprise and asking us how we are going to leave Space Dock on time. I'll tell you now that I am rapidly running out of ways to politely say " For Christ's Sake you idiot I am not a miracle worker and I cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear in a ten day time frame".

In view of my frustrations I have therefore decided to go with another Picture Post. These were taken on Day 5 of our holiday at the Jackson Hole Rodeo.

Stetson held over heart; "God Bless America"

Got 'im

What is mean and pointy?

It was a great evening and it is claimed to be America's oldest sport.  I saw some of the finest riding I have ever seen in the Barrel Riding event. This involves riding a horse as fast as one possibly can over a start line and looping around three barrels positioned to form a large triangle in the arena. The control over the horses was amazing and their ability to literally turn on a dime had to be seen to be believed.


There were also fun events too and at one point they had youngsters Rodeo riding on sheep. Now I'm not oblivious to the fact that use of animals for entertainment is questionable but the stock welfare seemed to be carefully monitored and there were certainly no animal injuries during the event. Some of the cowboys looked a little battered though.

Think of a number

There is an extremely high probability that the statement "Think if a number" got me in to this mess ...

... let me explain; allegedly Tigger and I are trained to understand a set of requirements and then compile sets of estimates that will cover the costs of meeting those requirements. We do lots of other things too but the previous statement is a fairly accurate description of the job basics. Obviously there are lots of associated activities such as team management, client and internal liaison, management of interactions with other business units etc but fundamentally we work out how much shit costs.

To put it another way, if someone asks how much it costs to cook a meal most people will tot up the cost of the ingredients. Basically they will tell you how much their Tesco bill was. Tigger and me will start to work out lots of other stuff too like :-

• the time and associated cost of shopping for the ingredients
• the time and associated cost of preparing the meal
• the energy costs to cook, chill etc
• the cost of clearing up and washing the dishes at the end of the meal
• possibly even wear and tear on dishes and plates
• even a proportion of the cost of the tools and appliances used

Basically we will get to a number which explains why a Steak Dinner in a UK restaurant will easily cost you £25 when you could buy the steak in the supermarket for a fiver.

I have digressed a little but it appears that a nameless individual in the USA has produced a very poor and very low estimate of the likely price for the current project. They have also produced, and there is no other way to say it, a piss poor estimate of how long it will take to work out an Indicative Price.

The net result of this poor estimating is that I have run around like a maniac to gather a team together. They have had no time to develop a reasonable estimate and we now have a number that is colossal compared to the aforementioned inaccurate pricing estimate.

The US have been preparing a similar number and the two should have some similarities in much the same way as apples are similar to pears but unfortunately they do not. This, again, is the result of the poor estimate of how long we needed to do the job. We have been rushed. We have not had the time to understand the requirements properly and we have made some mistakes.

The result of all of this is that we I have had some very difficult discussions today and we have been grudgingly given some more time to refine our numbers. People are NOT HAPPY ...

.. neither am I.

The Meal from Hell

Today Tigger and I met at the nearest Starfleet Space Port and spent several hours preparing the Enterprise for our latest mission ...

... basically you need to use your mind's eye to picture the gleaming Bridge of the Enterprise, displays throw coloured highlights and there are those reassuring chirrups from the bridge infrastructure. Periodically there is that paper pulled from envelope sound as the Bridge doors open and an ensign in an attractively short uniform comes in to present Tigger or me with a tablet showing vital status information.

I am sat in the Captain's chair with my little Pooh legs dangling over the edge. Tigger, on the other hand, has no problems with his seating options due to his innate bouncing ability.....

... "Fuck me Tigger it's a bit different to the Hundred Acre Wood in here" say me.

"Pooh, my bear with little brain, they have only done it again and totally forgotten that we are stuffed toys and have given us another ginormous project to manage" replies Tigger ...

... "Oh, and don't swear so much. Lt Uhura doesn't like it and it makes you sound like a cu ...."

Yes, we are teamed together again and are trying our very best to cram a quart of workload in to a pint pot of time using fluid ounces of resource.*

 We had a fairly strenuous day of wrestling with costs, dealing with SMIs** and playing the system to ensure that our Technical Review is realistic rather than a punitive rating just because we hadn't filled in the right form and sent it to the right bunch of people.

At the end of the day we left the Space Port and joined a few colleagues from our last Mission for a couple of drinks and a meal. WHY DID WE DO THIS ?

We had dined out with some of them at the beginning of August and  they thought another team meal was a really good idea so we pitched up. It needs to be stated that we had just had a very intensive day and Tigger was still suffering from near fatal alcohol poisoning after a week of Beer and Golf in Marbella.  We arrived at the Pub and rapidly realised that everyone else at the table had a complete Personality bypass. It was dreadful, it was like wading through treacle. All they wanted to do was talk about work and none of them had the interpersonal skills to engage in any sort of social conversation.

At one point I went for a pee and sent Tigger a text to see if he was hating it as much as I was. His reply of "Kill them all" suggests he was of a similar opinion.

The meal itself was lovely. We went to a Mediterranean Restaurant called Gallu's in Leamington Spa and the food was really good. I had Piri Piri Chicken Livers followed by  Pork and Mussels in a white whine sauce as a main and was really pleased with the choice. I only wish that, with the exception of Tigger, the company was better. At times it felt like we had been invited out as the evening's entertainment but we were far too fatigued and sober than do anything more than try to keep the conversation from stalling.

My personal High / Low Point was when the subject of China came up and a colleague advised that his daughter was adopted from China. He added that he already had two sons and that he and his wife really wanted a daughter ... I managed to insert the quip that he "sent out for a Chinese"....

... we thought it was funny.

Eventually we were joined by the Exec that I travelled to Switzerland with a few weeks ago and he was a real breath of fresh air. We had a drink and a reasonable natter with him before making polite excuses and disappearing back to my favourite branch and the Hollowed out Volcano. It had been a long day and neither of us needed an evening like that. I have a phrase that really fits my opinion of the evening...

... I would have rather shoved live wasps up my arse!.

----

* to use the vernacular "we are so fucked".
** In the old days these used to be SMEs (Subject Matter Experts). Nowadays we are given SMIs (Subject Matter Idiots). These are people that are paid at least £30K but think like they are  paid minimum wage.

Sunday: Nothing to see here

In a break from the normal routine I dropped TP down at the rugby club and returned home to walk T&M around the Three Miler. It was a case of divide and conquer this morning as 30% would pick him up on her way back from the supermarket.

The rest of the day was taken up with general domesticity. The kitchen was tidied, the lawn was mown and I finally shifted the remainder of the half ton of sand from in front of the garage doors.

As I said in the title "Nothing to see here", the only moment of madness was when we realised that Tyson might actually be eligible to play for the All Blacks based not only on her colouring but also on the fact that her pedigree shows New Zealand champions a couple of generations back.

This combined with natural ball handling skills makes her a definite option if they are short for the final.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Everybody fight!

The behavioural trend at The Pile this week seems to be pugilistic to say the least ...

... let me explain. In ring 1 we have Noggin and Tog, being kittens they spend every waking hour knocking seven bells out of each other. Being kittens they are also very cute and their antics have us all in hysterics. They even have a tendency to fall asleep mid fight, presumably so they can recommence without the hassle of having to track down their opponent.

In ring 2 we have Tyson and Marauder, both of them are in season at the moment and they are simply a hormonal mess. They too spend most of their waking hours either sparring or trying to hump each other. Being Standard Poodles their size and enthusiasm makes then far from cute, especially when they hurl themselves on to the sofa whilst one is trying to wind down after a hectic day.

In ring 3 we have TP up against the tag team of bad man and 30%. He is generally a good kid but he is going through the typical teenager know it all/inconsiderate/ thoughtless/stroppy/hormonal stage and has been a real pain in the arse this week. Basically we have had a number of clashes this week over homework, his desire to buy a BMX bike and a couple of village fuck wits that he has taken to hanging out with. Hopefully we are making some headway but it has been a series of arguments that we could really do without. The only resident who has not been fighting is Eddy but even he has produced some quite belligerent snarls in response to Noggin & Tog.

And so I turn to Saturday ...

... I spent an hour or so clearing a couple of work mails and sent Tigger a text to arrange a briefing session before all hell breaks loose on Monday. The rest of the morning was spent completing a few odd jobs and loading TP's Mountain Bike in to the back of the Defender as it appears to have developed a gearing issue and requires the attention of an acned youth* in a Halfords workshop.

After lunch 30% and nipped in to Worcester to drop off the bike and pick up a Motorcycle Jacket that I had been tempted by last Thursday. On our return I walked the dogs and 30% hit the housework. The evening involved a home cooked curry and a wander up to the village hall where  a local bad were playing a gig.

---

* I believe they refer to themselves as cycle mechanics. If I had spent three years in an apprenticeship I would be pretty peeved at a 16 year old with a bike spanner assuming this job title based on their ability to mend a puncture.

I appear to have cracked a rib

Friday has finally arrived and it is a beautiful Autumn day. The sky is blue and cloudless and the weather is mild. This evening's walk around the Three Miler was a great escape at the end of a fairly successful day.

On the work front I can now report that Scotty is back in Engineering and will spending the weekend recalibrating the dilithium chambers so that we can look to disembark early next week*

The rest of the crew are starting to submit their tactical analyses and, providing we don't have any problems with Klingons, all should be good for a First Contact Engagement on Star date 2011.11.21. All we need is Tigger to return from his R&R on the pleasure planet Risa and we'll be ready to go.

Turning to the title of today's entry, I appear to have cracked a rib. This injury was not as a result of a brawl with a Nausicaan  but actually came from a collision with an item of street furniture.

Last week 30% and I spent the morning in Worcester. As we left the camera shop deep in conversation I walked straight in to a 4' high bollard. This was very painful and I assumed that I had suffered some bruising.  I was expecting the pain to subside over the next couple of days but it has not and at the moment coughing and sneezing are bodily functions to be avoided. This morning I popped in to the local Surgery for my flu jab and mentioned this incident to the Practice Nurse as she pumped influenza vaccine in to my arm. She smiled and after a quick chat confirmed my self diagnosis and advised that it would be six weeks before this minor crack healed.

I obviously don't know my own strength if I can break my own bones and will be taking care if either of my nostrils need excavating, I might fracture my own skull.

----

* This Star Trek bollocks translates to I now have a full project team on-board and can therefore pull my costs together early next week

Picture Post. No. 11

Thursday was pretty similar to Wednesday. Resources are still missing but my 2nd Line Manager contacted me this afternoon and is now on the case so hopefully we will be in better shape when I record Friday's fun and games.

I am still standing firm with my refusal to commit to a delivery date and so far no one has shouted at me although I have heard that a Senior Sales Exec has stated "we will not de-commit from our price submission date".  That is all fine and dandy providing you set your date after ensuring that you have the appropriate resources and have asked them for a realistic delivery date. Needless to say, he did not and as I am bound by a set of processes with absolutely no authority to bypass them I am standing my ground.

Away from work I was supposed to pop round to a local Farmer's to give her a hand dispatching a few cockerels but when I turned up a family row had taken place and she was in a bit of a state so we decided that the boys can have a temporary reprieve and we'll do the deed later on next week.

I also had a call from the camera repair shop and they advised that my old EOS 350D needs a new shutter mechanism, a clean and a service and that this is a viable repair in view of their current second hand values so I gave them the go ahead and it should be available in about three weeks time.

Whilst on the subject of photography I have decided to go with another Picture Post and have chosen a few photos from day 5 of this years holiday in America. These were taken in Jackson Hole, Wy and the nearby Grand Tetons National Park.

Jackson itself is a nice enough town. It is the nearest sizeable community to the Grand Tetons National Park and consequently is heavily focused on tourism. It has however managed to preserve its origins and grow whilst managing to avoid becoming tacky. There were plenty of restaurants and bars and an array of shops far beyond what anywhere else in the region could sustain if it wasn't for the constant flow of visitors along the main street. I liked it.

The Grand Teton Range

And this is what they all come for; The Grand Tetons National Park. It is a magnificent range of 13,000'  peaks surrounded by glacial streams and meadows. The fact that they lack any foothills and just rise straight up off the prairie adds to the spectacle.

On our first day in the park we took a ride across Jenny Lake and took a short hike up the trail to see the Hidden Falls and the views from Inspiration Point. The trail was packed with American Families* who detracted somewhat from the concept of wilderness but the views were fantastic and made up for the hustle and bustle of the trail.

Hidden Falls, Cascade Canyon

-----

* It was more like a Shopping Mall than a trail

When in doubt, Think of an analogy ...

The lack of resources and the impending deadline meant that today I had to implement Plan B.

Basically Plan B said the following...

Dear Mr Manager and Mr Sales Exec, You did not give me enough time and then you did not give me enough people on day one of the aforementioned, miserly time frame. Taking this in to account I have to advise that I will not be delivering the requested deliverable on the requested date. In fact, I will not be delivering them at all until you provide me with the appropriate pond life*.

Cheers

bad man

 Now obviously I applied suitable spin to this and did the appropriate calls to warm people up to the idea and ensure they understood why we were where we were**. The net result is that I appear to have come out of this rather well and may have managed to gain some more time to complete the work.

We are still under the cosh but at least the Senior team now have a realistic view of what we can and cannot achieve and are now allowing us to progress with an understanding that the dead line may have to be resuscitated and kept on life support for another week or so before they decide to pull out the plug and feeding tubes.

Although this seems like a major achievement the best thing about today is that I will no longer have to work unsupported through the weekend flogging the proverbial dead horse. We may now have time to do the job properly ... sort of.

----

* I actually said " You wanted a meal. The best I can do at the moment is give you some of the raw ingredients"
** God, I hate that fucking saying

Time for Plan B perhaps

Well that it Tuesday finished.

It has not been a good day. I have 5 days to do a piece of work and have it ready for review next Monday. In real terms this means that I actually have to work straight through the weekend to stand any chance of achieving this. I also need a number of key individuals assigned to provide deliverables.

I appreciate that this is one of many opportunities and that prioritisation decisions must be taken by the Management so I waited for my Boss* to advise on whether I would get them or not, nudging him gently by Instant Messenger on occasions over the morning.

By lunchtime I was advised that this project had been prioritised and then took a call from a Dispatcher to advise that although I had been "prioritised" there would still be gaping holes in my team. These would not be minor bullet holes in the Superstructure these would be massive fucking torpedo holes on the waterline just so we all have a common understanding.

Basically I am screwed but still bound by process so am in a position where I am being asked to give up my weekend to have a piece of incomplete nonsense ripped apart by a review process next early next week.

I definitely need a new plan.

-----

* I will not go on about him today but needless to say he was as much  use as a chocolate teapot today. Same as yesterday, still a Prick.

What do you get if you lock a fat fish in a safe?

After several weeks of hanging around with no real direction I have finally had some proper work to do today. Tigger has gone off to Spain for a golfing drinking break leaving me to run his latest project. The poor fellow  only got it last Thursday and had hadn't really got stuck in other than to request some assistance before he started packing his arm bands, Speedo "budgie smugglers"  and factor 30.

I had a brief overview call with him last Friday and that told me that there was going to be a lot to achieve in a very short time. Basically I have been tasked with getting a cost estimated developed and approved in the space of a week.

I'd be a liar if I didn't say that this occupied quite a few of my waking moments over the weekend but that allowed me to hit the ground running this morning and I feel that I have got a reasonable grasp of what we are trying to achieve. There is nothing particularly complicated or earth shattering about the project scope. The only issue is that a week is nowhere near long enough to do this ...

... actually scratch that. A week is plenty of time to do this if we had the resources we need on day one. My major obstacle to achievement is my pen pushing, bean counting, process obsessed, obstacle constructing twat of a manager. It goes like this; "ah bad man, but I need you to build me a profile of the resources you need down to a fraction of a head and the critical path for deployment". For Heaven's Sake! I have a week to do this and need two days of each resource type NOW. I do not have time to arse around drawing pretty patterns because he is obviously not used to  responding to Business pressures.

Now I appreciate that there are other projects that need the same resources but it is his job  to allocate or deny. At the moment all he appears to be doing is fannying around burning the little time I have avoiding making a decision.


My manager is basically the Ed Milliband of the IT Services world. Fundamentally says the right thing but ends up just sounding like a weird prat*. Basically his problem is that he doesn't have sufficient depth of knowledge of what his team do so manages us at a quite a superficial level.  This is a problem because the cracks in his knowledge show through quite regularly which means that trust is not engendered and neither is confidence. This is one of the reasons I am somewhat apprehensive about the appraisal he will give me at the end of the year despite my alleged successes.

Back to today, although it sounds dreadful I have actually had a pretty good day. It has been long and tiring but I have a goal and focus and actually feel that I have done something rather than the past few weeks where my role has been that of Corporate Andrex.

-----

* at best. The more I think about the more I realise how demotivated and negative I feel after talking to him.

On the mend.

I woke on Sunday feeling slightly more human and a gentle stroll across the fields in the sun whilst TP attended rugby practice did me the world of good.

I had another lazy afternoon that was punctuated by a little light housework and I made a start on relocating the half ton of sand that Hank kindly left on my drive...

... Cheers Hank.

------

Other Stuff:
I received a call from the local Farmer who supplies us with beef. She did make mention of an upcoming kill but the main purpose of her call was to ask me if I would give her a hand to dispatch some cockerels that have just reached killing weight.  I was flattered to be asked, but surprised that there was no-one at home she could have asked. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm off up to help her on Thursday evening and have been offered a couple of the birds as a reward for helping out...

... Cheers Kathy

Duvet Day

That pretty much describes my day; sprawled on the sofa and alternating between sleeping and watching television.

I declined breakfast and lunch and by mid afternoon I had started to feel slightly more human. I actually managed to step outside and put the trailer away after yesterday's Tip run and I also managed to joint the pheasant that Marauder caught on Thursday. Both activities left me shattered and the smell of pheasant did cause a gag or two.

However, by Supper time I actually felt peckish and joined 30% and TP for a Chinese take away meal ...

... a very small portion though.

If all goes well I might be brave enough to attempt a fart in a day or so.

Urghh!

I didn't feel particularly chipper when I woke this morning. There was nothing I could identify as being wrong but I just didn't feel quite right.

Shrugging of this non-specific feeling of mailaise I started my day with a trip over to my Dad's house where I picked up him and his redundant freezer. We came back via the local Tip and after several circuits of the facility managed to deposit the aforementioned freezer, bags of patio rubble and green waste in the appropriate receptacles.

Once home we settled at the table to chat and drink coffee and this was the point that I realised that the last thing I wanted to do was to eat or drink anything. I started to feel most unwell. I was definitely going down with something ...

... and that something was presenting all of the symptoms of gastric flu. I had a fever, the shakes and other things that begin with "sh" too but I won't go in to that.

It is fair to say that I did very little for the remainder of the day other than attend a DVLA mandated eye test as my Driving Licence is up for renewal and have a hand-over call with Golfy as I am covering for him while he swans off to Spain for a week of golf and beer.

I was tucked up in bed by half past four and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day.

A Day Off

Although today is a holiday there was no lie-in for me. Mark had rung to say that he had finished working on the Defender so 30% took me over to pick her up early this morning. The work was an MOT test, a service and a repair to the windscreen wipers and the bill was large, about what I expected, but still large. He also advised that my flywheel was on the way out but that I need not panic as it is not urgent and I should have a good few months before it needs to be done.

After giving me a substantial estimate we started to talk about my options and whether I should sell her on. He advised that her trade in value was only £1,000 less than I paid for her three years ago and I realised that whilst I had been hit by a few repair bills her depreciation had been negligible and the total cost of ownership was actually very good. I drove home pondering this and decided to get a few quotes for the flywheel/clutch replacement in the New Year.


Once home I ventured out on to the Three Miler with T&M. It was a fairly event free ramble until we wandered back towards the village. As were were walking along T&M suddenly dived in to the foot of the hedgerow and many scrabbling sounds could be heard. I assumed that they had found another another rabbit suffering from myxomatosis. I called them off and found Marauder stood over the body of a cock pheasant that she had caught. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I picked it up and it is now hung up in the cellar waiting for me to pluck and joint it. Thanks M.


Later in the morning 30% and I took a ride in to Worcester for a wander around and a light lunch. Whilst there I dropped my Canon EOS 350D body in for a repair estimate following it's failure when we were in America. I also wandered in to the local Motorcycle Dealership and was rather taken with a very nice Textile Motorcycle Jacket. To be honest. if I hadn't just been stung with the Defender repair bill I would have been flexing the plastic.


We lunched at Mac & Jac's in The Shambles which turned out to be a pleasant little deli-come-bistro and I can definitely recommend the Serrano ham, sun dried tomato and mozzarella flat bread.


The afternoon was pretty lazy but I did eventually rise from the sofa and load up the Defender with some debris from the recent patio work and garden clearance. The plan for tomorrow is to pop over and pick up Bad Man Senior and his redundant Freezer and come home via the local Tip.  Then we'll have lunch and I'll drop pater off at home later in the afternoon.

Picture Post. No. 10

Wednesday was another day in the Office for me. Tigger, on the other hand, declined on the grounds that he couldn't be arsed to drive in twice in the same week. Most of my day was spent in meetings of one sort or another but I can think of nothing of worth to note down here. The high points of the working day were the commute on the Honda and pressing the enable button on my "out of office" at the end of the day.

In view of the lack of excitement I have decided to go with another Picture Post and today I have selected a choice from Day 2 of our Summer Holiday. These were taken in Arches National Park in Utah.

Landscape Arch

Balanced Rock

South Window - I think!

Turret Arch

Although named for the 2,000 plus sandstone arches to be found there the park has many other geological features including petrified sand dunes and the hugely impressive sandstone towers that form the Courthouse Towers group. It is a gorgeous place and, like most of the US National Parks,  easily accessible by road and foot. I can see that some might say that the walkways detract from the concept of "untouched wilderness" but it can be argued that they prevent damage to the fragile desert soils and were a boon for us in view of 30%'s recently broken foot that would not have stood up to rock scrambles.

When planning our trip we nearly struck Arches off our itinerary on the grounds that it was too far off route. I am so glad we didn't as it was truly one of the high points of the holiday.

My work here is done .... almost.

In a break from the normal routine Tigger and I met up at the Nearest Circle of Hell today, rather than the more usual Wednesday congregation.

The reason for this change is that a vital process needs to be established and the victim process owner could only meet with us today.  Like a lamb to the slaughter he had kindly booked a room and arranged a teleconference for those that could not attend in person. He sat there smiling meekly with his preconceived ideas about the scope that we would address ...

... it may therefore have come as a bit of a surprise when we wandered in and hit him with both barrels, not giving him time to breathe let along disagree with our proposals. Before he had worked out what was going on we had established a tracking spreadsheet a full Governance System with the Account Executives and a regular weekly review where Senior team members would review and hopefully ratify the decisions...

... we then left the meeting informing the victim process owner that he was best placed to run this new process as we were about to disengage and he would provide the continuity that was vital to the success of this key activity*.

Apparently we left this meeting so fast that two trails of flaming footprints could be seen leading from the meeting room to the coffee bar.

Congratulating ourselves on job well done we then had an interesting discussion with a lawyer who seemed to think that Poland was not part of the European Union. Having put him right on that Geo-political fuck up we then corrected his understanding of our project scope and left him to bugger off and sort out whether Model Clause Agreements needed to be put in place.

All in all this had been a successful day and we were able to leave knowing that a couple of key disengagement activities had been completed.

However the great thing about today was nothing to do with that.  As a result of the Defender being in the workshop I used the Honda to get in and out of work. I normally only use her for recreational purposes and had forgotten how joyous she makes the daily commute. Heavy traffic no longer slows me down, overtaking is done with ease and each set of bends become and exercise in line and pace. It was only when I got home that I recalled that Tigger had commented on how bad the traffic was and this had gone right over my head as my drive in to work had been an absolute pleasure.

----

* some of this week's finest bullshit.