Monday Schmunday

Sad Face – it's Monday and I am back at work. Tigger and I have a looooong five days ahead of us as we pull together all the strands of our project and weave them in to a single piece. It is not fun. We really need twice or thrice the time we actually have and are working with over stretched colleagues and equipment that simply is not really capable of running the tooling we are mandated to use...

… as I said, it is not fun. We do our best to see the lighter side of things and there are jokes and laughter but beneath it all there is a vein of frustration directed at the tooling, team member availability and performance and the lack of accurate information from out client. At present all I can hope to present is a “sow ear”* at the final review on Friday.

Away from work I seem to be making an inordinate number of cups of tea as Andy & Steve are back to finish the painting of the Landing and Stairs. They have done a fabulous job and as soon as I can get the current phase of the project completed I am really looking forward to completing the finishing touches to the freshly decorated space.

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* We will have to wait until the next iteration of the project to see if we can knock up a silk purse.

Day of Rest?

Sunday started with an early walk with T&M whilst 30% dropped TP over at the Rugby Club for a practice session. I then made a start on cutting the final piece of elm needed to repair the trim on the stairs. This was not a five minute job as the task involved the creation of a template and numerous trial fits before the piece of timber could be reduced to the appropriate thickness, sanded smooth and held in place with a monumental amount of Pink Grip!

It was then time for a trip out to pick up TP, and get a few necessities from Redditch. The afternoon was filled with phase one of the huge tidy up of the house and garage as both have become dumping grounds during the recent decorating activities...

... I thought I was on for a quiet weekend!

Home at last

The weekend has finally arrived and after the decorating at home and the past four days at work it is a most welcome break. 30% and I are both pretty tired and, as a consequence, we have pared our itinerary down to the bare minimum.

That meant that we had two tasks to achieve today; the first was to pick up the Defender as the refurbishment has now been completed and the second was to take the door from the bottom of the stairs in to a Paint Stripper in Worcester.

30% ran me over to Belbroughton to pick up my Land Rover around lunchtime and it is fair to say that she looks fantastic both inside and out. There are still a couple of minor jobs that need to be performed but the transformation is well on the way to completion. This wasn't just a cosmetic makeover as she has had the flywheel and clutch replaced and new front shocks too which means that the driving experience has been improved too.

Back at home I set to removing the aforementioned door and putting up a stair gate as a temporary barricade*. 30% and I then hitched the trailer to the Defender and took the door over to the Strippers. At this point you would think that the story would go along the lines of we pass the time of day with Stripper, hand over door, agree price and determine a collection date. And that was the original plan but then we started to look around his workshop/sale room and started to find some amazing items at very good prices. To cut a long story short 30% saw and fell in love with a Georgian Long Case Clock and a Victorian Cylinder Desk and these will be delivered the week after next.

By the time we finally got home it was early evening which gave us enough time for a walk around the Three Miler with T&M before a call was made to the local Chinese Takeaway.

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* T&M and Andy & Steve is not a great combination unless you want emulsioned dogs  or paw prints as part of your interior decor.

Lean Times ...

... from a Journal keeping perspective. This entry could just have well been entitled "Where the Fuck have I been".

My last post was made on the 4th April and it is now the 14th. I suppose I had better pull together a précis of the past nine or ten days. Don't worry; I'll leave out the interesting bits.

As previously mentioned, much of the week leading up to the Easter weekend was spent carrying out the preparation work on the stairs and landing. I think it fair to say that this was a soul destroying task. At the end of each day we were filthy and tired and the room looked just the same apart from a liberal quantity of dust on every surface. We turned a metaphorical corner on Easter Monday when we decided that enough had been done and a huge clean up took place. 30% even managed to find time to put a coat of liquid wax on the Landing floor whilst I spent an inordinate amount of time on the refurbishment of the elm trim panels on the staircase.

During the past week Andy & Steve have spent a couple of days on site and the walls and woodwork are now all bearing the correct colours. They will be back on Monday to apply the final coats of emulsion and satinwood.

We did manage a modicum of leisure time whilst we were off work but not a huge amount. 30%'s birthday was on 5th April and we lunched at The Brook on the outskirts of Redditch and took a wander around some local antique establishments. There was no surprise present as we had both decided that we should treat ourselves to a new iPad3 as a joint gift. TP already has an iPad. It is a fabulous little tablet but it seems to be permanently held in his grimy hands and he can rarely be persuaded to offer it up for use by another member of the family. After much faffing around to see whether we could get any discount anywhere we finally just went and bought the damned thing from Tesco on Easter Monday. It is a lovely piece of equipment and I am hoping that it will become 30%'s browsing tool of choice meaning that she will leave her work laptop in it's bag and not spend her leisure time "just looking at a couple of e-mails"*.

Badman Senior, Step Mum Sue and Tilly joined us for dinner on Easter Sunday and we had a lovely rib of beef. BMS was on good form and infuriated us all by feeding T&M from the table. He adores the dogs and just cannot resist giving them treats. If you look at the girth of Tilly you will see how weak his will power is. Fortunately we are made of sterner stuff here at The Pile and T&M have managed to retain their lithe conformation...

... it was a tale told by BMS that gave me the title for this Journal entry. It is nothing apocryphal or funny. It was just a recollection from his past and for some reason I thought I should jot it down so that it doesn't become forgotten...

Back in the 1930's my Grandfather was a Market Gardener in the Vale of Evesham. At this time of year the sprout harvest was finished and the Asparagus harvest was yet to come in so this was seen as a very lean time. To make ends meet my Grandfather used to work as a stage hand at the Scala Theatre on the High Street during this lull in veg production. The Scala is long gone and became the Clifton Cinema many years before I was born. That too has long since closed and subsequent reincarnations as Bingo and Night Clubs don't seem to have been particularly successful either. BMS also remembers his father delivering the Evesham Journal to outlying villages as a way of bringing in a few shillings until the 'gras was ready to cut.

The Easter break is now over and I am back at work. Tigger has returned from New York and we have spent this 4 day working week trying to get things in to shape for next week's review cycle and release of costs to our American colleagues. It has been quite an ordeal. We are making head way but it is like wading though treacle and if a thing can go wrong it certainly will. So far we have had to struggle with both personnel and tooling. Many of the people we need are on holiday and the work products they have delivered have either been wrong or right but in the wrong format. The result of this is that everything needs to be checked and tweaked or in some case duplicated so that we can pull everything together in to a single entity. Approvers are now starting to get nervous and I am frequently having to step in to persuade, cajole and name drop to ensure that ticks get put in the right boxes.

After a long day with a Power Sander or a long day in front of a laptop I have been reluctant to do anything more than vegetate with a glass of wine in front of the TV and I offer this up as my excuse for not blogging for the best part of ten days.

Before I finish I will just mention that one of the hens has gone broody this week and 30% managed to source a dozen or so fertile eggs. If all goes well we may have chicks around the second of May.

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* She is not a person to whom relaxation comes easily and consequently using a work laptop for web surfing makes taking a peek at the in-box all too easy. I. on the other hand, tend to go with "Fuck them, I've finished work for the day"

A change in the weather

After the mild and sunny weather last week, today's sleet and wind came as a bit of a shock. It was most unpleasant and outside was definitely not where I wanted to be.

This morning 30% needed to be at work to meet up with a colleague from the US. TP and I dropped her at the Office and then took the car to carry out a few pre-birthday essentials such as cards, flowers and more abrasives from Screwfix...

... and people say there is no romance in my soul?

The journey home included extensive detours to 30%'s parents and a couple of shops and, as a result; lunch was a late one.

My afternoon was spent sanding the elm door frame at the foot of the stairs and applying a coat of Danish Oil to that, the hand rail and the exposed beams on the Landing. 30% busied herself with various culinary and domestic chores as her brother and his girlfriend were joining us for dinner.

For those that may be interested

I tend to write my Journal entries first thing in the morning before I start work. This is one of the reasons why I generally produce a "weekend roundup" rather than individual entries for Saturdays and Sundays. As I am not at work this week I have managed to make it to Tuesday without having put pen to paper. So here, is a round up of recent events ...

Sunday: The Mission Continues

To be fair, Sunday was nowhere near as hard work as Saturday. 30% and I had completed our sanding activities with less than an hour's effort and then spent a further hour vacuuming up the dust. We then got a coat of Danish Oil on the bannisters and newels and a coat of wax on the cupboards. The rest of the day was spent pottering on general domestic activities.

Monday: A Visit

Today Mrs Oranges & Lemons paid us a visit with her air dried ham. She had had this beast hanging for the best part of 12 months and now it was time for the unwrapping and, hopefully, slicing. I think Mrs O&L was a little apprehensive and that is certainly something I can understand. I have only air dried one ham and I was very nervous about eating a piece of meat that had not been cooked in the conventional sense. We unwrapped it and it looked fine. There were a few patches of green mould and there were also a couple of maggots but there was nothing that indicated that the cure had failed and after a good scrub with white wine vinegar it looked fine.

We pared away the outer skin and then set to with the bacon slicer to convert her air dried ham in to a couple of kilos of prosciutto. It was a successful first cure and the ham has an interesting almost cheesy tang to it.

I am quite comfortable declaring it a success as I am writing this 24 hours after sampling the ham and can report no adverse affects.

Monday was also the day that TP returned from his tour of Iceland and he appears to have had a fabulous time. He was very keen to get his photos downloaded to the computer and show us his souvenirs which included a pair of knitted mittens and a cured red fox tail.

Andy & Steve were also back on site today to put a skim of  plaster over the stair case and landing. They have done a fantastic job and will be back in a couple of weeks to apply paint to their pristine. smooth walls.

Tuesday: Back on Yer Heads Lads*


After an early walk around the Three Miler with T&M I was back on sanding duties.

30% had "conveniently" arranged a hair dressing appointment which left me on a solo mission on the stairs and landing. Today I completed the hand rail on the stairs, the window sill and I also managed to wire brush 250 years of debris from the exposed beams on the landing. Most of the debris seems to have accumulated on me so it is a case of a quick shower and then a period of extended vegetation in front of the televisions.


Where is my G&T?

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* You must know this joke. It is as old as the hills.
A Chap dies and finds himself being escorted to Hell rather than his preferred eternity in heaven.
He wanders past pools of bubbling brimstone and flaming pits with the moans and screams of eternal damnation in his ears.
As he pauses by a pool of foetid semi liquid he watches a hideous daemon sat staring at a group of people up to their chins in this ichor drinking from bone china cups.
He is taken aback by this and, as he wanders on, he comments to his escort that Hell is nowhere near as bad as he thought...

.. He then hears the Daemon say "Back on yer 'eads Lads, Tea Break's over."

Productive but not exciting

If sanding the stripped bannisters and newel posts of a pine stair case to a satin smooth finish is your thing read on, otherwise I respectfully suggest that you find something else to fill your time.

Today 30% and I have spent a long and dusty day preparing the wood work on the Landing & Stairs. After clearing the floor and sealing the Bedroom doors to prevent dust ingress, 30% took on the oak cupboard that Chippy Ian built for us and I took on the stairs.

There isn't much more I can say. The wood is now a lot smoother and we were both covered in a very fine dust. We cleaned ourselves and the room up, took the dogs for a quick walk and then collapsed on the sofa with a drink and dinner.

The only problem is that we still have four door frames, the skirting boards, the window sill and exposed beams to sand plus the repairs to the trim panels on the stairs and the bleaching of a couple of stains on the soak flooring to complete before the end of the week.

Breaking Up

Today was my final day of work before a ten day Easter break. Yes, I have ten days away from work and will be spending them at home, probably with a power sander in my hand.

As was to be expected most of today was spent in hand-over activities and completing as much as possible "up front" as I know I am going to be very busy when I get back. My out of Office is now set and Tigger is clearly identified as the stuffed furry animal to be contacted if anyone needs anything.

I have had company here at home today as Andy & Steve are here to carry out the preparation for skimming of the Landing and Stairs. The original lime and horsehair plaster has stood up pretty well to the past two and a half centuries but there are a few areas where it is no longer bonded to the walls and the patching associated with building works and re-modelling mean that a skim is needed to pull it all together. Whilst removing the loose plaster S&A exposed one end of the oak lintel over the window. I made a quick styling decision and the entire beam was exposed. It will need a little attention with a wire brush but will look fantastic when surrounded by fresh smooth plaster.

S&A completed all the prep work and left having applied a bonding coat to the bare areas and a coat of PVA to all of the other walls. They will be back on Monday to apply the finish coat. After S&A had finished I switched off my Instant Messenger and took T&M for a walk...

... As I was nearing the end of the walk a Golden Retriever came charging towards us. He was trailing his lead but there was no sight of his owner anywhere. I recognised him as belonging to a local family that are currently doing their best to develop a bit of a reputation. I am no fan of the family and do my best to avoid them but could hardly leave their dog loose. There was also no way I was going to shake him off as he is intact and T&M are both in season.  I am guessing that the children had been walking him and couldn't restrain him. He has a good nature but has not been trained and is VERY strong. I assume he got wind of T&M and simply followed his nose. I therefore ended up grabbing his lead, calming him down with a swift kick up the arse and taking him home. It came as a relief but no surprise that there was no-one at home to receive him. After waiting around for 5 minutes there was no sign of the family so I found the side entrance and shut him in the back garden. I'm sure he was safer there than running loose in the village.

Back home there was time for a quick coffee and a shower and shave before 30% and I drove over to The Bridge at Bidford on Avon for supper. This is a super little restaurant that 30% has dined at on a couple of occasions but it was my first visit. I have to report that it lived up to its reputation and was lovely*. The interior decor is a mixture of rustic and modern and it has a huge window running the full length of the dining area giving a view over the river. The food was great. I had chicken livers done in garlic and cream followed by Sea Bass with pasta, pesto and pine nuts followed by a Creme Caramel. 30% went for scallops and bacon to start, a very posh burger as her main and an Eton Mess variant for pud. It was a lovely start to the holiday and it was really nice to be out as a couple rather than as a family which is the norm nowadays.

We had coffee at home on the sofa and watched a film before retiring to bed knowing that the alarm will not need to be set for another ten days. Fantastic.

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* If I could make one tiny criticism,  their food deserves linen napkins. Paper serviettes will never do and their tariff suggest they could bear the laundry costs.

A Mind Reader I am not

For some reason I reviewed Monday's Journal entry today and noted that I expected to have a quiet week with Tigger taking over command...

... it just goes to show how crappy my foresight is. I have spent the past few days running around like the proverbial blue arsed fly re-assembling my team and developing an outline of the changes they need to make in the design of our project. This has been complicated by the fact that the Global Lead doesn't seem interested in anything outside the walls of his office and just seems to expect my revisions to appear on the required date as a result of a series of intertwined miracles.

His lack of communication is now being taken seriously by Christopher Robin and chums and an escalation seems to be on the horizon. I think they finally focused on this problem when I provided an email from an Australian colleague showing that they had absolutely no knowledge of the need for changes.

I held a kick-off call for the team this afternoon and it seemed to go reasonably well. I am hoping that their silence means that all is clear and they are ready to crack on. The realist in me knows that it is actually an expression of their lack of interest and the challenge for Tigger next week is to keep them on track.

Away from work I received a text message from the wordsmith formerly know as TP. He is limping his way around Iceland* on a school trip and the best he could manage when delivering a description of this land of fire and ice was ... "just going past volcanoes at the moment".

I suppose he is only limited to 140 characters.

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* the near bankrupt country, not the frozen food store

Here we go again

After hearing mutterings for the past couple of weeks, I have managed to pin down the Head Honcho in the US and got him to confirm that he does need me to provide him with an updated set of costs in about three weeks time*. This is the chap who is crap at communication and, once again, I got a single line saying "Yes, I need updated costs" but no detail of the changes that need to be made.

I have therefore spent much of the day working out how my work products will change so that my hastily assembled team can make a quick start rather than sitting around waiting for Mr Uncommunicative.

I knocked out a high level set of design changes but couldn't put them in front of the team until the Head Honcho had confirmed that they were appropriate. I therefore had poor Tigger chasing him around a Manhattan Office with the firm instruction to sit on him until he read and responded to my proposals. Tigger's role is mostly Bouncing and making up numbers and I really should have got Piglet on board for a game of Piggy in the Middle.

Eventually, about an hour before a much needed Gin & Tonic, Tigger called to say that the Head Honcho agreed with my proposals. This is a huge relief as it means that I can get the team heading in a clear direction before Tigger has to manage them remotely from down town, New York next week.

Other Stuff
We received a text from TP to let us know that the Blue Lagoon in Iceland was amazing. there was no mention of his foot so I am assuming that he did not leave swirling red trails, of the type most attractive to sharks, as he swam around these Geo-thermally heated pools.

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* If I hadn't badgered him, when would he have told me ?

Movie Quotes

"If you build it they will come" - Ray Liotta  in Field of Dreams

"If I drop the kettle, it will dent" - badman in The Kitchen

No, He is not going for a Pizza

TP or "Jammy Git" as he should more accurately be described is off to Iceland tomorrow for a 5 day Geography Field Trip. 30% and I have been to the Trip Presentation sessions and we both agree that Iceland is wasted on him and we would be far more appreciative of the tour. To be blunt it looks fantastic and takes in the Fire and Ice features for which this country is renowned.

I was therefore somewhat perturbed when he wandered downstairs at the weekend and grunted "I've got some sort of rash thing". I examined the rash thing and realised that this would need Professional scrutiny.  As a result I have had to prostrate myself in front of the Doctor's Receptionist begging and bending the facts to ensure that he got seen by a GP and was cleared to fly to Iceland.

After a couple of consultations we have been advised that all is well and it is likely to have been triggered by a recent throat infection. They have confirmed that it is not infectious and he can go and wander over glaciers and volcanoes.

We were obviously relieved so you can imagine how peeved I was when he walked in the house and managed to cut the sole of his foot. This was no minor scratch. It was one of those where you can see a trail of blood spots leading from the scene of the accident. After cleaning and applying pressure it seemed to stop bleeding. This was a good sign and I also managed to locate a "Rolls Royce" of adhesive dressings that was left over from my hand operation back in November last year. This was applied and he claims that all is well and that he can walk.

I thoughtfully added extra Elastoplast to his luggage and hope he heals quickly. 

Hand-over

I'm on holiday next week. We are not going away and, instead, plan to finish the "preparation" on the stairs and landing. Work, on the other hand, had a completely different set of plans for me and wanted me to fly out to New York tomorrow and stay there until Wednesday next week. Normally I would consider rearranging my leave to accommodate but we are at the end of the leave year, I have a nit picking, pedant of a manager, I really want to get the house finished plus a thousand other reasons why I decided I wouldn't travel to NYC*.

As a result Tigger will be my most capable Deputy and what little work I did today involved making sure he was as prepared as possible for the trip. This is a challenge in itself as the US Project Manager is piss poor at communication and we have scant detail of what he wants Tigger to do. To give you some idea of the low quality of this PM's communications let me precis his request for UK representation in the US this week. His request was a one line e-mail asking for a UK representative to attend a client meeting and preparation. This e-mail did not include any dates and neither did it include any address or agenda details, background information was as rare as Unicorn Pooh**...

... funnily enough, item one on Tigger's "to do" list is development of a Communications Plan.

With Tigger on-board and heading off to the US for the main activity I am drifting in a back-water this week and will be hard pressed to keep myself busy at work.

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* If we are successfully down-selected by the client there will be another opportunity in April or early May.
** I had to Instant Messenger him last week to actually find out when and where he needed Tigger.

Weekend Round Up

It is becoming a regular feature that Saturday and Sunday's activities are recounted in a single Journal entry going under the title of "Weekend Round Up". Not wishing to interrupt this evolving tradition here is a summary of this weekend ...

Saturday: Unleashing The Beast

After some non-specific pottering 30% and I headed towards deepest Stourbridge to drop the Land Rover off at The Defender Centre. The car should be with them for a week or so whilst various mechanical, cosmetic and functional changes are made. Under the bonnet the replacement of the dual mass flywheel and clutch will eliminate the judder that accompanies hurried exits from junctions. On the outside Alpine Windows will be installed in the roof which will then be colour matched to the body. On the inside there is a long list of improvements all aimed at making it slightly less van like; heated seats in the front, a pair of tip-up seats in the rear plus trim and insulation /sound deadening. Once finished I am guessing that I will be extremely reluctant to put anything shitty in it ever again.

Back home we lunched and then I took T&M around the Three Miler. The weather is stunning considering Spring has barely started. The down-side to this is that 30% keeps turning off the heating. I will break chronological conventions here by mentioning that being a late riser she is blissfully unaware that the nights and early mornings are still very chilly and that the heating most definitely still needs to be on until after breakfast.

Clambering back on to the linear time track I find myself back at home after walking the dogs. The lawn is looking dreadful after the Winter and I decide to unleash The Porn Mower in the vain hope that a trim will sort things out. This is very much like hoping that sticking plaster is a suitable treatment for accidental amputation and I really need turf, grass seed, exclusion zones and long hours with a sprinkler if I really want to use the word lawn with any credibility.

Sunday: Stair Repairs

After a couple of weeks off we were back at the Rugby Club this morning for a training session. Being conscientious parents we left TP there on his own and disappeared in to Redditch for supplies. The supplies were a large amount of paint, to be applied to the stairs and landing, and a small amount of groceries, to accompany a shoulder of lamb this evening. 

As is the norm; lunch was followed by a walk and I then made a start on the refurbishment of the stair case...

... The older parts of The Pile date back to the 1750s and the stairs are most definitely one of the older parts. Building techniques in those days tended to be along the lines of using what was near at hand and as a result there are some rather peculiar construction features to be seen in the house. These are all quite sturdy. They have, after all, lasted more than 250 years but their "finishing" is, shall we say, a little rough and ready.

The stair case is a classic case in point. A couple of weeks ago I stripped the paint from the trim panels on either side of the stairs. These were found to be made of elm and in pretty good condition. The only problem was that the gaps between the trim panels and the stair treads were large and unsightly and these gaps had been concealed with crude strips of 1/2" softwood. 

The plan is to sand, oil and wax these trim panels so the softwood strips have to go. I have therefore spent a good chunk of the afternoon cutting replacements from my supply of old, elm boards. These new strips are of a simple design but the addition of a bull-nose to the edges and front corner and the use of very old timber mean that they look to be part of the stair case rather than crude additions. I have cut half a dozen so far from a final total of eighteen. It doesn't sound like many but the strips need to be prepared from inch thick planks and each one needs to be individually sized...

... I wonder how busy I'll be this week?

Thought for the day

Tigger and I spent a huge amount of time on the 'phone today talking nonsense but we did manage to come up with this pearl of wisdom...

Pooh                I think the best thing in the world is finding half a Pork Pie in the fridge?

Tigger              Wouldn’t a whole Pork Pie be even better?

Pooh                No, because it is very difficult to prove that you have sneaked a slice of an already cut pie

Tigger              Ah, I see. In that case wouldn’t it be better to find two cut Pies in the fridge?

Pooh                It would.

Am I sitting comfortably?

The Car Trimmer called yesterday to let me know that he had finished the Land Rover seats. As a result my first activity this morning was to get some cash from the auto bank and then nip round to his workshop. I turned up and we had a natter and he joked that the seats were far too good for the Defender. We then got on to the subject of the refurb and he commented that the door cards were a bit scruffy. I agreed and asked about having them sprayed. I had been pondering their replacement but new cards were in the region of £350 and I had found that price a little off putting. He gave them a quick glance and said that he could have them looking as good as new for £50. A deal was struck and the car will be dropped down there as soon as it comes back from the Defender Centre.

My attention was then directed to the seats. I can quite honestly say I was lost for words. They look fantastic. I am guessing that they were a pretty straightforward task looking at the other vehicles in the shop. At the time of my visit there were two late 1980's Mercedes SL coupe's and a Range Rover all awaiting his attention. The Defender was, perhaps, a little outside his normal market sector.

As work was quiet I took the opportunity to install the seats as soon as I got home.

There is not a lot else to report; a long overdue haircut was performed and my troublesome camera arrived back from Canon's Service Centre. After a few initial shots I am not yet convinced that they have actually fixed the problem.

Man Hunt

Wednesday saw Tigger and me meet up at the Nearest Circle of Hell. There were a number of reasons for this outing and they are outlined below in order of importance:-

• My Social Development. 30% thinks it is very important for me to mix with other human beings on a regular basis. Apparently I get a bit "odd" if I spend too much time at home with just the dogs for company.
• Spreading joy and delight amongst our colleagues. My interpretation of some of the looks we got during the day suggested that perhaps were just a bit too joyful for some of the people in the office
• The barter of half a dozen eggs for one medium cup of black coffee plus two empty egg boxes. The chickens are laying like maniacs now Spring is here and I badly need containers for the glut.
• General discourse on work in general and the continued character analysis assassination of the Idiot Manager. This latter discussion topic is now mandated whenever two or more job holders congregate for a period of more than 36 seconds. The discussion must be repetitive, not produce action items but must conclude that the man is, at the very least, a Tit.
• A game of "Hunt the Senior Daemon".

It is this final  activity that is the subject of today's entry. Tigger and I have been instructed that we must request Governmental Security Clearance in case we get seconded on to some work that may be on the horizon. This, as you might expect, involves filling out several forms, and providing proof of one's identity.

I was somewhat reluctant to send one of my empty hunny jars and Tigger just didn't get it. He pointed out that EVERYONE knew who Tigger is, even very small children, so why would he need to prove his identity? I pointed out that he might need to get in to a secure location when there weren't any small children around to verify his credentials and integrity. Tigger wouldn't accept this until I pointed out that this might occur after their bedtime.

Tigger and I were still very reluctant to send in our passports as our job has a nasty habit of requiring us to cross the Atlantic at very short notice and this is tricky if your passport is 110 miles away on your Manager's desk. We therefore decided to submit a photocopy that had been duly certified, as a true and accurate copy, by a Senior Daemon at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell.

We foolishly thought it would be easy to find a Senior Daemon and wandered in to the Office we normally frequent. There was no sign at all of manager. We then wandered down to one of our old haunts and tried there. There was no-one of sufficient authority there either. Next on our list was a visit to see Grand Dad Jack. He knows everyone and we were sure he would be able to point us at someone...

... but there was no-one in Jack's lair* either. At this point we were getting desperate and wondered if a Restaurant Manager would do. Eventually, after three separate forays, Jack suggested we ask for assistance from one of his more rotund lionesses. She pointed us in the direction of a chap who was more than happy to validate a photocopy.  Job done, applications now in the post. The irony of this search is that Dante's is notorious for having a huge number of Daemons but on the one occasion you need to find one they are conspicuous in their absence.

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* Jack's resides in his lair like a venerable, but still sprightly, lion. His favourite resting place gives him fine view of the plains and frequent sightings of young lionesses.

Status Report

30% is now 36 hours in to her three day Jolly in the Netherlands. I am writing this for her benefit as she will be fearing the worst and will envisage TP and I as having gone feral without the benefit of her ministrations...

... Fear Not! We are not sat half naked, surrounded by our own waste, picking nits from each other's hair...

... Yet!

If you ignore me ...

... I do not go away.

For the past few days at work I have been managing the compilation of a set of questions that we would like our prospective client to answer. This has been run with a very tight time line imposed by the US Team. As a result I have spent much of my time attempting to persuade, cajole and on occasions subtly strong arm SMIs* to deliver the goods.

One of the SMIs was on holiday last week so I persuaded the Americans to extend their dead line and then worked with the SMI's Team Leaders and Managers to ensure that he was available to do the job first thing this morning. There was a fair bit of work for him to do so I wanted him to start as early as possible so that everything could be finished and fired over to The States before they woke up.

Being a courteous sort of chap I refrained from 'phoning the SMI at eight o'clock when I started work. Instead I sent him a text asking him to contact me as soon as he started work. I followed that up with an Instant Message and, when nine o'clock finally arrived, I phoned ...

... no answer, so I left a detailed voice message and waited...

... and waited. I needed to pop out to drop the Defender seats and covers over at the Trimmers so I updated the IM and left a further VM and nipped in to Redditch. I got home about 40 minutes later and checked my inbox, the IM tool and my phone. No contact from the SMI...

... I started chasing colleagues of the SMI and discovered that he was en-route to my Nearest Circle of Hell so I nudged a colleague at that location and asked them to "collar" the SMI and tell him I needed to talk to him urgently ...

... Eleven o'clock came and went and I had left further voice mails, additional IMs but not a peep was heard from the SMI. I eventually got hold of him at around eleven thirty when he advised that he was working on another project and had no knowledge of my request for his time or need for his services. He did comment that he had several missed calls from me. At this point I tried to put myself in his place and failed miserably ...

... If my mobile was showing half a dozen missed calls from the same number, a text message, a few detailed voice messages advising of an urgent task and a number of instant messages showing the same requests I think I would ring the Requestor back as soon as possible and try to get things resolved. This SMI decided that he would totally fucking ignore me, presumably in the hope that I would just disappear.

The little git refused to make a start on my task and it was only after a low level escalation and plea to another colleague that he actually, grudgingly agreed to start the task he was bloody supposed to do in the first place.

I really hope that he asks me for feed back as part of our appraisal process.

---

* SMIs: Acronym, Subject Matter Idiots (plural). Please note that unfortunately there is always more than one SMI. Like the word Gallows there is no such thing as a singular form of SMIs. Thinking about this I wish that SMIs were even more closely connected to Gallows**
** in a sort of ropy, dangling way

Weekend Round Up

Saturday started at a leisurely pace. After breakfasting I spent an hour or so removing the driver's seat from the Defender and also stripping out the rear load space mat. This latter task involved partial removal of the Dog Guard to free the  fitted rubber mat from the rear of the car. With the cab and rear finally empty I could give it a long overdue clean. I am working on the, probably deluded, principal that the cleaner the car is when it goes in to the workshop the cleaner it will be when it returns.

Just as I got in to the car cleaning activities I was forced to take a break to pick up TP who had spent the night at a friends house. They had had an inaugural band practise session and by the look of him it had been a late finish. He refuses to admit it, but he isn't an "owl" and late nights do him no good at all. As a result I was collecting a teenager who appeared to have lost most of their mental capabilities and had a response time that was measured in hours rather than seconds.

This meant that the trip to the local Garden Centre for Mother's Day gifts was one where I did the thinking, choosing and paying and he could only be relied upon for the necessary supporting role of "Hanger on". To be fair it was a successful trip and suitable gifts were purchased for both Step and Natural Mothers.

The rest of the day was dominated by the final three matches of the Six Nations Tournament. I avoided the pre-match and half time analysis and just about finished cleaning the inside of the car. I have to admit that I am amazed at how tidy it looks now that the sand, mud, silt, grit, and feathers have been removed and a liberal dose of trim polish has been applied.

Sunday was another quiet one. After breakfasting together TP had arranged to spend Mother's Day with his Mum, brother and sister. This left 30% and me with a free day. We started with a walk around the Three Miler. This was my first attempt since pulling a muscle and it was taken at a leisurely pace. We were joined by 30%'s friend Jules and Max. Max is a Collie cross, rescue dog that belongs to a cousin or aunt or some other relative. Jules is dog lover whose lifestyle doesn't suit dog ownership and so has possibly come to a perfect arrangement where she has the pleasure of Max's company for walks but avoids the food bills and the crap in the garden.

After walking we lunched and then 30% nipped in to Worcester in search of luggage suitable for overhead lockers. I'm not quite sure why, as we have several, but apparently they were all too large and she wanted something smaller. With the wisdom that comes from ten years of life with 30% I bade her Good Luck in her hunt and wandered off to fit the borrowed drivers seat in to the Defender. I spent another couple of hours playing with the car; cleaning the grimy load space mat and packing the seats in to the rear for the trip to the Trimmer tomorrow morning.

Twinges

For the past three days I have been suffering twinges in my lower back. The reason for this, I think, is as a result of one of Marauder's idiosyncrasies...

... At one point in the Three Miler there is a stile to be crossed. The builder of the aforementioned stile thoughtfully constructed it with a gap of a suitable size for most dogs. Tyson leaps through with barely a thought whilst Marauder, on the other hand, simply refuses to climb through.

I have tried bribery with treats, they do not work. I have tried abandonment; walking more than 75 yards, that does not work either. She simply looks plaintively between the rails despite the fact that she could easily fit through. At this point I should mention that there are several other fences and gaps in hedges that Marauder will scramble through without a moment's hesitation but she will simply not climb through this stile. I have tried encouragement. I have even manipulated her through the gap. Nothing has succeeded she will not jump through.

As a result I have to lift her over each and every time we need to pass it. Normally this is a slick procedure, we both know the score; M waits patiently by the obstacle whilst Tyson charges away down the next field. I  place one hand between M's forelegs and the other under her abdomen and lift her over the stile. I must have down this more that four or five hundred times in her life without incident* but on Tuesday I felt a tug in my side and since then I have been considerably less mobile than normal.

I'm guessing that I have pulled a muscle and it appears to be slowly improving but for the past three days my walk has been restricted to a couple of circuits of the local playing field and T&M have had to be entertained chasing a tennis ball launched from a "wanger".** I have to admit that the first hundred yards of this walk is bloody painful but once I get moving I feel a whole lot better. It just goes to show that sitting at a desk all day long is most definitely not good for one.

Apart from the twinging muscle there is little else to mention. Work involves the collation of data from a number of sources in to single spreadsheet with the upcoming joy of having to review the contents on several hours of transatlantic conference calls early next week. Some days the fun just doesn't end.

The Defender refurb project also lurches forward with the arrival of the seat components today. These will be delivered to the Car Trimmer on Monday and the seats should be ready for collection by the end of next week.

30% has also managed to blag a three day Jolly Business Trip to The Netherlands next week so TP and I will be Home Alone from Monday through until Wednesday.

---

* apart from a muddy footprint or two on my coat
** one of those Atlatl based devices that allow you to hurl a tennis ball a huge distance and also allow you to pick them up without the need to bend down,

Jumping forward a Generation

Yesterday evening we came forward a comedic generation and saw Rich Hall at the Glee Club in Birmingham. I am a huge fan of Rich and have seen him perform many times over the years. I have even been lucky enough to see him perform as his White Trash, Jailbird alter ego Otis Lee Crenshaw at this very venue.

It was a great night which ended with Hall being joined on stage by a guitarist and drummer to perform a set of improvised songs woven around interactions with some of the audience members. I had seen much of the material before on TV and even versions of the songs but that didn't diminish the man's performance. He got huge laughs from the crowd and it was a brilliant routine.

On the work front; Tigger and I are currently performing as a Duo when we really need the whole band. The task in hand isn't particularly arduous it is just that we need to do it very quickly and, unfortunately for us, most of the band are either performing at other gigs or are on holiday. The very short timescales are a real demotivator as it means that there will be no real opportunity for any quality control ...

... and if you are just chucking shit over the wall, why chuck anything at all?

Actually before I go, I will just give a few lines to the US Project Manager that is directing this activity. She is most definitely at the forefront of a totally new way of communicating. Tigger and I have sat and listened to her on several conference calls and we are in total agreement that on an individual basis we understand virtually every word she says. HOWEVER, when we attempt to combine them in to sentences and extract a meaning we haven't got a clue what she is on about.

She is also one for inventing words. Now I know that a malapropism often happens when one is talking but she  really does invent words. I have in my possession a spreadsheet that includes the word explosure. I took time out to Google this "word" and it only appears in the Urban Dictionary. Now this is a fine piece of literary work but you will generally find that it's contents are rarely used in formal meetings or communications. I therefore fail to see how a term describing clothes so tight they are at risk of ripping can be linked to finding details of server hardware and their interrelationships in a data centre.

Is it me?

Classic Comedy

Yesterday evening we went to see Barry Cryer perform at The Palace Theatre in Redditch. Barry is probably best know now for his utterances on Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but he has spent the best part of 50 years writing material for, and working with, some of the biggest names in British Comedy. As a result he has a huge amount of material and anecdotes to draw from and that was how his set was assembled.

Basically he used the alphabet as his framework, going from A through to Z, reeling off jokes, stories and songs associated with each letter. He was joined on stage by pianist Colin Sell who is also a regular on "I'm Sorry ...". It was a great evening in a real gem of a Theatre.

I am no great fan of Redditch and this was my first visit to The Palace. It was a delight. It is a tiny venue seating an audience of maybe 400 people and it's diminutive stature means that it is very intimate. It dates back to just before the first World War and has recently been refurbished and provided with a modern glass fronted entrance. Prior to this encounter I would have said that there was absolutely no reason to visit Redditch. I can now think of one very good one.

Barry was very good and it was a shame that there were so many empty seats. A chap sat next to us in the front row had booked less than 24 hours before the show and there were 350 seats available including a number in the front row of the stalls. Mind you , if you have ever visited Redditch, the lack of Radio 4 listeners in the general populace will come as absolute no surprise.

It is probably worth mentioning that many of the jokes were older than 30% or me and it was interesting to see TP roaring with laughter at a Comedian who is nearly as old as his Grand Father. I thought Barry might be seen as a bit "past it" by TP but it just goes to show what I know.

A consequence of Barry's age is that this was described as a "sit down" rather than a "stand up" routine. Mind you the old devil did get up just before the interval for a couple of numbers sung to a different tune. This included the Laughing Policemen sung to the Dam Busters March and My Old Man's a Dustman sung to the melody of Heartbreak Hotel.

All in all it was a fab night out and the venue added to the experience giving it an old Music Hall feel.

A Chance Encounter

Lunchtime today found me frantically rushing around the kitchen knocking up a Shepherd's Pie for Supper. The reasons for the frantic rushing was that I had a conference call in the diary at one o'clock and the reason for supper being prepared in advance was that we are out this evening to see Barry Cryer at The Palace Theatre in Redditch.

Five minutes before the conference call I answered a knock at the door and was engaged in conversation by a Gentleman in his late 60's...

"Hello" says I. "Hello" he replied, rapidly followed by "I'm lost". At this point I expected him to ask for a particular road in the Village or perhaps a local Hamlet that is a little off the beaten track. I certainly wasn't expecting the next couplet in this conversation...

... "Where are you trying to get to?" says I. "Birmingham" says he.

At this point my brain took time out to consider the situation. I was stood talking to a man who was having problems trying to find Britain's second largest city. If he couldn't manage to locate Birmingham I could see him having some serious challenges locating a particular suburb, street or building in the aforementioned city. How many of us actually head out to an unknown location apparently without either map or satellite navigation unit these days? I know that I can be a little flippant about my preparations for a journey but even my minimalist approach includes noting down the destination address and taking either an Atlas or a Sat Nav. Sometimes, if I am really keen, I will plan out the route before I leave AND take a mobile 'phone and contact numbers in case I get lost.

This chap appeared to have taken none of these preparatory activities and seems to be relying on luck to get there. He was at least twenty five miles from his destination city and had got lost already. It is not as though he was just having problems with the final mile. This chap was obviously seriously out of his depth.

I suggested that he follow the main road and then take a turn and follow the signs for Redditch. Once in Redditch he would then pick up signs for Birmingham. He didn't look convinced so I advised that he could follow the same road towards Alcester and then pick up the A453 that would take him to the Motorway. "Which Motorway?" he asked. I nodded in jaded confirmation when posited the M42.

"Ah. OK. How will I know that I am going in the right direction as I have a habit of going the wrong way". At this point my incredulity level is off the scale. He added that he was heading for the airport so I suggested that he look for signs towards Solihull to keep him on the right track. He seemed reasonably satisfied with this and pottered back towards his car.

As he wandered off I pondered his obvious lack of planning, lack of resources and blind faith in support from chance encounters along the way.

A few months ago a Chap went missing on a journey along the M25 and was eventually found 30 hours later, safe and sound, but a little confused, parked in a London suburb. I remembered reading this and wondered who would let their elderly relatives drive journeys that are beyond their abilities? Apparently it is far more common than I thought and is definite evidence that there really are some bloody stupid people around.

Its all coming together

Debbie called this morning to let me know that the rear seats and sundry items for the Defender will be available for collection by next Monday at the latest. This was great news. Her next statement was music to my ears when she went on to say that if I paid cash there would be no VAT...  Result !

Next item on the list was a call to the Vehicle Trimmer and the seats will be dropped off next week and he should turn them round in a few days ...

... this was followed by a call to Marc at The Defender Centre and he can take the car in for the refurbishment and repairs in the following week so by Easter she should be magnificent.

Progress

A couple of weeks back 30% arranged for Steve* to call round to give us a couple of quotes.  One of these was to put a skim of plaster over the walls of the stairs and landing. Basically this part of the house is long overdue for decoration but had reached that point where all of the prep jobs take longer than the time available at a weekend and consequently just weren't getting done.This is now back on track with S&A coming at the end of the month for the aforementioned skim leaving 30% and me to spend our Easter  holiday with some serious sanding to do.  S&A will then return a few weeks later to apply paint to the now smooth walls and woodwork.

So what, one might ask, has this got to do with Sunday 11th March? Well today all three of us spent a good chunk of the day stripping off patches of wall paper and the gloss paint on the stairs to allow the aforementioned plastering to progress.

Breaks were taken for Rugby**, Dog Walking and also a trip down the Village to link up with Matt & Philip who are sons of one of 30%'s colleagues. M&P both own Land Rovers too and I had arranged to borrow a driver's seat for a couple of weeks while my seats are at the Car Trimmers.

---

* as in Andy & Steve; The Decorators
** The England v France International rather than TP's escapades, of which there were none this week.

Am I sitting comfortably?

There is not a huge amount to report for today. After breakfasting with 30% we went our separate ways; she towards Stratford for some proper shopping and me just down the road for some Land Rover seat "shopping". After winning the seat covers I needed to obtain two rear seat frames and there is a very well known Internet retailer that is conveniently based a stone's throw away. I called yesterday evening and they were more than happy to have a look over what I had acquired and ensure that I bought the correct seat type...

... So I spent a happy 40 minutes in the company of Debbie discussing dogs, Land Rovers, Kids and erm Land Rovers and my order was placed. The parts should be here within a week and she even said she would "see if she could do something about the VAT if I paid cash". I now need to see if I can borrow a driver's seat from anyone or my car will be off the road for a week or so while the Trimmer does his stuff.

The rest of the morning was filled with a walk around the Three Miler a which then meant that the afternoon was free. This allowed me to watch the Wales v Italy Rugby International, have a short kip on the sofa and then remove the passenger and centre seat from the Defender...

... and surprisingly these activities were all completed without swearing.

C is for Canon ...

... yes and c is for c**ts too but I'm going to do my damnedest to get this down in chronological order so I'll get to that multinational in a few paragraphs ...

... The day started early with a quick run up to The Defender Centre which sits in Banjo Country between Bromsgrove and Stourbridge. My initial reception was definitely one of disinterest until the Mechanic released that their absent salesman had not invited along a customer who wanted a sows ear turned in to a silk purse. Once they had take a look at the car and the wish list they realised it was all doable and turned positively enthusiastic about the job and a few other odds and ends that would really tidy up the appearance of the car.

At this point I'll just get back to the Defender Centre Salesman for a couple of observations. I had arranged to see him on Friday morning and so was somewhat surprised to have to talk to him via a mechanic's mobile because he was at home "watching an auction" and wouldn't be in for about half an hour. Now I have an expectation of a car salesman. I expect them to be unreliable, and he had definitely ticked that box, I also expect them to be creative in their Bullshit and I think he had totally failed by telling me the obvious truth here. The stupid bugger was  sat at home with his trousers round his ankles looking at porn on the Internet whilst he waited to place a bid on an eBay auction during the final 40 seconds.

Anyway, moving on, they agreed to work up a quote and I left to get back to my working day. At home sat in front of the laptop I heard T&M announce the arrival of the Postman. I wandered out to pick up the post and spied a letter addressed to me. I opened it to find a letter that appeared to indicate that Canon want me to pay for the repairs of my camera despite a) being under a US warranty and b) having offered to undertake reasonable repairs on a goodwill basis. The letter was a standard quotation with no reference to my complaint or any previous communications so I phoned them for clarification...

... it transpires that they will not repair my camera on a good will basis and their previously undefined reasonable costs now seems to vary between £30 and £50 depending on which Customer Service Manager I spoke to. At present the repair quote sits at £170 and I pointed out that £72 of that was an inspection cost i.e. a Service that they had already agreed to undertake free of charge and a further £9 was to clean a lens that was less than 9 months old. I pointed out that approximately 50% of their quote was for stuff I either didn't need or stuff they had already agreed to do free of charge. In other words it was, and their is now other way of stating this, artificially inflated.

The current situation is that they have agreed to revise the quote, I will then pay for the work and then claim the costs back from Canon US. I may go with this plan or alternatively I may go to their Director as, after three requests, they agreed to provide his name and address. At this point I think it fair to say that the customer service offered by Canon is absolutely fucking appalling as  they have reneged on their promise and provided an artificially inflated quote in an attempt to support their position. They are fucking charlatans.

Having finished my rant at Canon I then decided to chase up the location of my Land Rover Seat covers so I phoned the Second Hand Car Dealer in Coventry that had sold them to me. I asked for "John" as that was the name on the e-mail advising that they had been "lost". I was told, in a somewhat suspicious tone, that there was no-one called John there. At this point I changed tack and advised that I was calling about the Land Rover Seat covers. The chap also changed tack, went in to full on sales mode and started telling me what a fantastic set they were and that I could have them for £150. I let him ramble on for a while before advising that I had won them in an eBay auction for £25, had already paid for them and had now been told they were "lost"...

... There was a tumbleweed moment whilst the Salesman shifted a few mental gears before advising that a) some mistake had been made and b) I could not have them for £25. We both knew that the covers, if they were as described, were a steal at £150 so I really didn't want to upset the apple cart and end up with a refund so I let things play out. The chap was a true salesman and told me I could have them for £100. After a bit of tooing and froing we agreed on £80 and I climbed in to the car to pick them up before he changed his mind.

Once home I examined the goods and I think it fair to say that I have a very good deal. Lord knows how this chap came across these covers but there are three front seat covers and eight rear seat covers. They are all in "as new" condition and the only issue is that some of the seams have been cut where they were removed from the original vehicle. As a consequence I will need the services of a Car Trimmer but there is one just down the road who has quoted £150 to fit them.

So today has been one of ups and downs. I am really very cross with Canon and really very pleased with the seat cover deal. I suppose on balance things are heading in the right direction.

Oh, and I did some work too.

Is that Rat I can smell?

At the beginning of the week I spotted a company selling a full set of half leather seat covers for a Defender on eBay. Now these would really improve the luxury rating of the Land Rover so I watched them with interest ...

... yesterday evening they were still at 99p so I placed my bid about 40 seconds before the end time and waited with baited breath ...

... Result! I was the winner for a little under £25 plus postage. I promptly paid and started dreaming of how the car would look with half leather seats. I couldn't believe my luck as the auction had a "Buy it Now" price of £150 and I had won it for a sixth of that price...

... in the corner of my mind a niggle started ...

... this evening I received an e-mail from the seller advising that I should refrain from paying as the set of covers had been misplaced during a relocation to new storage facilities and they would contact me once the items had been found.

My cynical mind translates this as "we really expected to get more fore these items and are hoping to fob you off with this excuse allowing us to re-post them at a later date". I have replied advising that I have already paid and asking for them to contact me to progress this matter to a satisfactory resolution.

The realist in me is seeing taking this through an eBay Dispute process ultimately ending with me getting a refund rather than a set of seat covers worth the best part of £400.

Watch this space to learn which Coventry Car Dealer to avoid like the plague.

Tyson's Bumper Book of Crime. Number 2 in a totally unexpected series

I've been on a bit of a mission today. First task on the "to do" list was to prepare a Bolognese sauce for Supper. I managed to combine this with listening to an hour long team call so that definitely counted as work.

Lunch was hastily prepared and eaten  and I then nipped down the road to pick up a Defender "A Bar" that I had won on eBay last night. There is no way that I can pass this off as work so I'll explain that trip away as my lunch hour.

T&M were frantic for a walk upon my return so I went straight out again for a circuit of the Three Miler. The weather is beautiful and I would have lingered but I had spent less time than normal in front of the Laptop today and really needed to make sure nothing urgent had arisen.

I therefore didn't need "30%'s Best Girl" to roll in fox shit necessitating a bath before we could re-enter the house ...

... Thanks Tyson!

---

* It is interesting to note that Tyson's last criminal escapade was almost 12 months ago and bears a striking similarity to today's event.

My Luck was in

I spent a brief while perusing that Global Marketplace of stolen goods and Chinese fakes that is commonly known as eBay today...

... I couldn't believe my luck when I  found a Defender "A-Bar" being auctioned. It was only a few miles down the road and was half the price that these are normally sold for. No-one had bid on it and the auction ended this evening.

My luck didn't run out and I can pick it up tomorrow.

With the simple addition of a couple of 8" Spots she will have a little more "presence" and I might be able to see where I am going at night.

Catching Up

It is Monday morning and a quick glance show that I have jotted nothing down since last Thursday. I suppose I had better rectify this lack of output.

Friday: Hanging Around

On Thursday evening I received a snotagram from an American Delivery Director querying some of my recent deliverables and requesting a call. You will note that "requesting" was presented in italics and was therefore optional in the way that pouring water on yourself is optional if your shoes are on fire. I therefore politely responded making myself available for a call, clarifying my position and hung around all afternoon for him to ring or respond ...

... he didn't.

Saturday: Out and About

Saturday morning saw me take the Defender over to Liverage 4x4 to let them give it a once over and then discuss refurbishment options. They seemed a friendly bunch and had some fine looking machinery over there but my shopping list will result in a very big bill. I am assured that she would look like she just left the production line and that her general sound condition definitely makes it a worthwhile venture. It is just whether I am prepared to take the financial hit. I await the quote with interest.

The afternoon saw a walk with T&M and then a visit to Bad Man Senior's residence for dinner. This was very pleasant as he had taken it upon himself to roast a leg of lamb and, as is traditional, had prepared a trifle for 30%.  We mentioned that his supreme trifle expertise had made it's way in to The Journal and he smiled and advised that he felt his finest trifle was one based on Sloe Gin that had put my mother to sleep for many hours. Anyone unlucky enough to have ever encountered my mother in the second half of her life will appreciate that she was far more tolerable in repose.

It is rarely a late night at BMS's now and we were home before the ten o'clock news.

Sunday: Frozen Fish

TP had a rugby match this morning and the weather was foul. It was bitterly cold and a steady rain was falling. 30% took pity on T&M and decided that I should walk them before the match, get them home and dried so that they were not shivering on the touch line for the best part of a couple of hours.

Did you see what she did there? She kindly arranged for me to get wet and cold before the match so that T&M could spend the morning snoozing on their beds, having been exercised and towelled dry, whilst I then froze my proverbials off in rain that was turning to sleet*...

... You can see where I come in the pecking order.

The match was against TP's original Rugby Club and we were hoping for a win but that was not to be in a very muddy match that had the backs bogged down and frequently had a tendency to slip from rugby to mud wrestling as tempers frayed on both sides.

At home and thawed I took it easy for a couple of hours before rattling the pots and pans in the kitchen. We had an early supper planned as we were out to see Richard Herring's** What is Love, Anyway? show at the Warwick Arts Centre that evening. 30%'s Mum, Dad and Sister joined up for both the show and supper and seemed to enjoy the show at the very least.

Herring was very good; intelligent, constantly witty and incredibly fast paced. We saw his "Christ on a Bike" tour last year and whilst the subject of religion tickled more of my funny bones this was still a great piece of work.

---

* that is the "Frozen" part of the title dealt with
** and that is the "Fish"

Shopping List

The recent trip to Wales in the Defender made us realise that, whilst it is a truly great car, it could definitely do with a few tweaks to give it a few more home comforts and an even greater load carrying capacity.

Initially we were thinking along the lines of a roof rack and a couple of rear seats but before long 30% was suggesting that I look for an upgrade to a County Station Wagon. A quick look at used Land Rover prices made it apparent that they were selling for silly money at present and that investing some of this year's bonus on a refurbishment of the current Defender was probably the best way forward.

There is a local company who specialise in this type of work and I made a call and arranged to go an see them on Saturday to discuss my options and get some idea of cost. I am now drawing up a shopping list with the aim of sprucing up the 90 and making her a little less "van" and a little more "capable tourer".

I wonder how much of my shopping list will make it to reality?

Is it me?

Covering letter written - Check
Camera carefully packaged - Check
Royal Mail website investigated for postage options- Check

Suitably prepared I wandered down to the local Post Office and requested that my parcel be sent on a recorded, signed for, next day delivery basis with a with Compensation capped at a value of £1,000.

The chap in the Post Office carefully weighed my package and then gave me the cost of sending it using the Standard Parcel Service which is only suitable for items with a value of no more than £46. I pointed out that the contents were worth considerably more than £46 and reiterated my request for the compensation cover of up to £1,000. He then responded by telling me that it could be sent "next day" with cover up to £500 for £9.05...

... at least we were heading in the right direction. I pointed out that I wanted it covered for the higher level of compensation and he advised that I would incur an additional ninety pence in charges. I told him that was exactly what I wanted.

I am fairly certain that I had told him exactly what I had wanted when I first walked in to the Office but for reasons totally unknown to me he decided to try to sell me a totally different postal service. I appreciate that he might have felt that he was doing me a favour by starting with the cheapest options first but I had come in and asked for a specific service and then had to spend a good few minutes coaxing the chap to give me what I had asked for in the first place.

Is it me?

Result ?

I wasn't quite sure how to view Tuesday.

My toothache had diminished but it still needed looking at. I suppose the optimist would say that the lack of pain was a good thing but the realist in me said that a trip to the Dentist really needs to happen and I rarely exit that establishment with a smile on my face.

My camera was still broken but at least I had a detailed complaint sat in someone's in-box at their Service Centre. I can but hope that sense prevails on that issue.

My working day looked to be fairly uneventful with very little in my diary ...

... all in all the word "Meh*" really summed up how I felt this morning.

I breakfasted and then prepared to start the day and this is when the sun started to peep through the clouds. First I rang the dentist and they advised that they had an appointment at eleven which was perfect as the only scheduled work call of the day would be finished by ten.

Fifteen minutes before I was due to leave for the Dentist the phone rang. I picked it up and was asked if I was Mr Badman. I confirmed that I was and the caller advised that she was Vicky from Canon. She advised that she had reviewed my complaint and had decided that, as a good-will gesture, Canon UK was prepared to repair my camera provided that costs were "reasonable". All I needed to do was package it up and send it with a covering letter to their service centre in Hertfordshire. 

Obviously buoyed by this news I trundled over to the Dentist where I was prodded and probed and advised that the tooth's future is uncertain but a course of antibiotics might sort out the problem. I was stunned as I climbed from the chair and my Dentist advised that there was no charge for the consultation.

By this point I was wondering whether I had slipped in to some alternative universe as today seemed to have taken a complete change in direction.

In the afternoon things settled in to a more normal plane of existence when the Americans came on line and started asking some very vague questions. I spent the best part of a hour trying to get some clarity on what they wanted and what they were planning to do but I might as well have been talking to the cats.

In the end I picked up the 'phone and had a chat with a US colleague who worked on the previous project and has now been assigned to the current one. This Good Shepherd advised that the US team were in such deep water that they had given up on using a snorkel, had progressed beyond scuba gear and were now looking at using a bathysphere to try and get themselves out of the shit they now found themselves in.

The requests for me to review some of my costs was going to have the same effect as trying to take a pee in the middle of a hurricane; pointless, having little effect other than now being soaked in both rain and piss.

The day ended with 30% suggesting that I consider replacing The Defender rather than spending cash on the upgrades I had in mind.

Hmmm?

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* Meh: an expression of indifference or boredom

Don't you hate being right

It was another Red  Letter Day today when my Manager pinged me to let me know how much bonus I was to be awarded after a hard year of pushing rocks uphill. I was pleasantly surprised and the news couldn't have come at a better time as one of my teeth is starting to ache, my Land Rover needs some love and attention and ...

... as predicted last Thursday, my suspicions about Canon's customer service were proved right today when Canon UK confirmed that they had absolutely no interest in the faulty camera I bought in America and that I should bugger off and annoy their US colleagues. After some choice invective I decided to attempt this and found that Canon's US web-sites will only allow US residents to raise Service Requests and that non-residents should contact their local Canon Group ...

... Urghh! This was starting to go round in circles. My local Canon Group had already expressed a complete lack of interest and when I phoned again the Customer Service Representative could not grasp the issue and suggested that I use "snail mail" to link up with the US to open my warranty claim. My remonstrations that I could not be the first person to have this issue and the fact that their web applications would not allow me to open a US warranty claim fell on deaf ears and they simply gave an insincere apology and advised that they would be more than happy to fix the camera if I was prepared to pay.

By now I was fucking fuming. Rather than ruin my evening I sat down and wrote a long, detailed and in some places illustrated e-mail of complaint that pointed out the deficiencies of their Global Operating model, their lack lustre Customer Service and their crappy product quality. I hit send safe in the knowledge that someone at Canon was going to wince when they opened that one.

To be fair, the legitimate punishment for poor customer service should be to be flayed and then dipped in a warm salt bath while the recipient of the poor service watches and occasionally shoots vinegar at you from a Super Soaker water pistol.... Too strong?

Weekend Round Up

Saturday: Overdue Tasks 

For the first time in a fortnight I am at home for the weekend and my stated aim was to have some "down time". The preceding week had been demanding and I really didn't feel like running around. As a consequence much of the morning was spent clipping Tyson & Marauder. This was a job that was regularly interrupted for coffee breaks whilst the clipper blades cooled and were oiled. We had let the dogs coats grow over the Winter and, with Spring approaching, it was time for them to be shorn. It is amazing how skinny they look after their 3" long coats are reduced to 1/8th of an inch.

The shearing was followed by lunch and then a walk. I then set about connecting a first generation Apple TV* to the television in the bedroom. This was a fairly straightforward exercise and we now have access to the video library upstairs too.

As an aside, I needed to buy an HDMI lead to install the Apple TV. I had bought a couple of these a few weeks ago when I installed the 2nd Gen ATV in the living room and literally winced at the cost of these cables which can easily exceed £20 depending on the cable length. It is possible to pay silly money for these leads. With Christmas credit card bills still fresh in my mind I therefore bought a 1m HDMI cable from Amazon for the princely sum of £1.59 including postage. It was so cheap I worked on the principle that if it was rubbish I was prepared to loose a couple of quid and step out and pay a tenner for a replacement...

... No Need! The cable was perfect; well manufactured and did exactly what was required of it. I am now wondering what the profit margin is on some of these cables and how their manufacturers would attempt to justify the price differentials.

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* Purchased from Tigger

Sunday: Red Letter Day

TP had Rugby practice this morning so 30% and I made best use of the time by taking T&M for a good walk around the fields and woods just over the road from the club. The weather was splendid and  we covered the best part of four miles while TP got muddy diving in to tackle bags.

In the afternoon I had another go at the dogs and clipped their faces. I just need to do their feet now but they are not that keen on having their toes clipped; ticklish perhaps?

After that I settled in front of the TV to watch the Scotland:France match but couldn't keep my eyes open and ended up snoring on the sofa. It seemed like I had spent a good chunk of the day avoiding watching rugby.

The title of today's entry comes from the fact that a long awaited e-mail finally arrived in my in-box this morning...

... hopefully Tigger got one too.

Contact

After a text and two voicemails I finally managed to grab Tim Hyett's attention today. The Ducati has been in his workshop since last October and I wondered whether he had got round to the light refurbishments we had planned. He sent a text advising that the exhausts had been polished and the engine cases were about to be painted. All being well she should be ready for collection in a couple of weeks.

Other than that, the day was fairly uneventful. The project deliverable was finally sent to the Lead Team in the US and I made a few loose plans to occupy my time over the next couple of weeks.

I also found a few minutes to download the holiday photos and was quite pleased with this one.

Pwll Du Bay, February 2012

Finishing things ... and starting things

The weather today was quite astonishing. Yesterday I had to hold on to my hat as I climbed the hill to stop the wind blowing it clean away. The skies were grey and it felt cold and damp. Today is the complete opposite; the skies are blue and I wish I had left my fleece at home as the temperature climbed in to the high teens.

There are no work tales today as my plan is to now have a very gentle second half to the week. There is still a final, tedious task to be done but it is a one man job and I, fortunately, am not that man. All being well Friday will be a very early finish.

I finally got around to finishing off the bacon that I started curing a few weeks back.  It had spent the past two weeks wrapped in muslin and hanging from the rafters in the garage. There was no specific reason for this. It was just that I needed somewhere cool to keep it while I was occupied by work and our holiday in Wales. The belly joint has now been sliced and I have just over two pounds of Streaky Bacon to freeze. The cured cheeks have been cubed and these produced nearly three pounds of lardons. Most of these have been batched, packed and frozen but I held back half a pound and made Spaghetti Carbonara for Supper this evening. This culinary effort was judged a success by TP and 30%* and I must admit I was quite pleased with it myself.

I also need to give warning of a possible rant about Canon in the near future. After a week away in Wales with the EOS Rebel T2i that I bought in the States last year I can confirm that it is most definitely not right.  On occasions the mirror will lock up when taking a shot and this can only be rectified by turning it off, removing the battery and then replacing and turning it back on. It also doesn't seem to like being used in a "portrait" mode and has a tendency to do nothing but tell me to replace the battery pack. I rang the Canon Customer Service Desk to lodge a warranty claim and they advised that I need to send it back to the US as that is where I bought the camera. I pointed out that they were a global company and that was not acceptable adding that the only reason I bought the camera out there was because my EOS 350D's shutter failed on the first day of my holiday. They chap on the Service Desk took pity and raised a ticket and I now need to wait to see if Canon UK will take pity on me and repair the faulty camera...

... I found it quite ironic that I was being told that I needed to progress this with Canon in the US rather than the UK when Canon UK uses a Dutch Service Desk. It seems to support my view that they are a Global Organisation and should operate as one. Rant not yet started.

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* 30% did have an ulterior motive in getting me to cook supper as she knew it would prompt me to replace the blown light bulb over the cooker.

And Relax

The title of this Journal entry would more normally be seen heralding the weekend but it seems appropriate for today too.

As may be guessed, the Review Call went quite well and I have been given a green light to send my materials and costs over to the US to be built in to a Global response for the client. I did think the Senior Daemon's comments about lacking a unique selling point were a little churlish in view of the fact that a) my scope was incredibly restricted and b) the Americans dictate the overall design. Never mind, at least he said "Yes".

All I need to do now are some housekeeping duties and get everything sent out to The States. The pressure is obviously considerably reduced and I can, as the title states, relax a little. I found time this afternoon to step away from the desk and take T&M for their first walk around the Three Miler since returning from Wales last week. I also finished work at a civilised hour and was able to fall in to a persistent vegetative state on the sofa until bed beckoned and sleep followed rapidly after the News at Ten.

Pre-match Jitters

Today is the day before my Project Review call with the Vice President of our Organisation. He is a very senior Daemon indeed and it is he that gives the ultimate thumbs up before I can package my deliverables and send them over to my American colleagues. As a consequence much of today has been spent tweaking my Presentation Deck and chasing up fragments of information just in case a tricky question is asked.

I have done a few of these review calls now and I can honestly say that they get better as you do more of them but I am most definitely not at all comfortable with them. It is fair to say that I just want to leap forward fifteen or sixteen hours and get this damned call out of the way.

I recall the first review I presented where the pre-call adrenaline had me jumping around like a maniac and I can definitely confirm that they don't call it a "fight or flight" reflex for nothing.  I suppose just wanting to get it out of the way is a definite improvement and I wonder how many more I need to do before a) the stress does me in or b) I see it on the same level of annoyance as taking the wheelie bin out in the rain.

As a diversion I did end up pouring oil on waters that had been troubled by Judge Dread. He had managed to totally alienate a European colleague from whom he required an approval. As a result I had to step in, get a call arranged, provide a slide deck and then host the call as JD felt that it was best if he kept quiet ...

... it's not like I had anything else to do!

As I make this Journal entry I know that everything is as it is. There is no time to make any further changes. I just hope that I have done enough and there are no glaring errors.

Roll on eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.

Chiefs & Indians

Monday involved a trip to the nearest Circle of Hell to perform a Hand Back with Tigger. Most of the day was spent in a windowless room staring at a PowerPoint Presentation projected on to one of the walls. Tigger had done a fine job of keeping the ship on a steady course and all being well we should be in to Port some time on Wednesday.

That is not to say that there aren't a few last minute activities that need to be completed and tomorrow's agenda seems to be mostly chasing for stuff that should have been completed a good few days back.11th Hour changes are common place in this job which means that we are all kept on our toes right until the very last minute.

This is why I was somewhat miffed to find that Judge Dread had managed to annoy one of his European colleagues to the point of them declining to discuss an issue any further and I was being dragged in to sort out his problems...

... talk about spilling milk and then just wandering off!

By five o'clock my head refused to take in any more information and it was time for home. TP had completed his first day of work experience at a local Engineering firm and was almost* vociferous in recounting tales of his first day at work. 30%, like me, had returned to work after a week away and had a mountain of unread mails in her in-box. I'm not sure what she did with hers but I just filed mine and relied on Tigger to point out the nasty ones.

The title of today's entry comes from the saying "Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians". There were times today when four of us deliberating over a problem tended to make it bigger rather than solve it faster. It was so much easier on the last project when it was just Tigger and Pooh bumbling along, each knowing the best time to stop for lunch and elevenses, twelvses and threeses and who was best at sharpening the sticks or counting all the numbers...

...Happy Days, I really miss the old team. In fact I think I may demand a return to the Hundred Acre Wood if the client wants us to take our wet finger out of the air, dry it and do stuff properly.

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* ALMOST. He is 15 and usually manages a grunt at best. In this instance almost vociferous means a limited number of complete sentences

Weekend Round Up

It is Sunday evening and I am finally at home. The past 36 hours have been spent as "responsible adult" accompanying TP on his mini Rugby Tour. To be honest it was OK but, if I am even more honest, after a week away in Wales the last thing I wanted to do was to schlep down South in advance of what is going to be a hectic and critical week at work.

So let's start with Saturday; we drove down to Twickenham where we took a tour of the home of the English Rugby Team. This was vaguely interesting but was it worth driving the best part of 100 miles for? ...

... No, not really. I like watching the game but I am not so obsessed that I want to examine the venue. If we think about this in greater depth would athletics fans want to examine a 400m running track and do Formula 1 fans want to look at the pit lane and vacant garages? I am guessing that the hard core fans might but I most definitely do not fall in to that category.

After the tour we walked across to the Harlequins Ground to watch the evening match against the Worcester Warriors. This was a pleasant one mile walk during which the heavens opened and ensured that we were all thoroughly soaked. I then sat in a wet seat and watched a match where both teams were playing in mud-brown after a quarter of an hour. This meant that I was a) freezing cold and b) had problems identifying who had the ball. It was actually quite a good match but the near freezing temperature made a decent job of removing any enjoyment.

The match finished around half past seven and the car was a welcome shelter from the cold and wet as we then drove up to Didcot for our overnight stop. This was a cheap hotel and an average meal. Nothing to complain about but nothing to praise either.

Sunday dawned and we took a short drive over to Wallingford for the lad's match. I think it fair to say that the opposition were very, very good and TP's team did well to score a couple of Trys in the face of such opposition.

After the match it should then have been a simple drive up the M40 to get home but we then seemed to enter a low budget Horror Movie from the 1970s. For some reason Wallingford did not want us to leave...

... let me explain. First we needed diesel so used the Sat Nav to locate a Petrol Station. The nearest one was temporarily closed to received a fuel delivery, the next one the Sat Nav suggested didn't actually exist and the third one was inaccessible due to a Police road closure. Remember this it is important later one. We finally found fuel a few miles away and finally hit the "take me home" button on the Sat Nav.

There I was thinking "that is it, the Rugby Tour is finally over, in an hour or so I'll be home". How wrong was I? At every turn the Sat Nav insisted on taking us back to the road that had been closed by the Police. We tried several evasive manoeuvres but every time it kept taking up back to this bloody road block. I think it fair to say that I was not a Happy Bunny. I was tired and just wanted to be home but Wallingford was not playing fair. It seemed that the only road to the Motorway was blocked and we would be doomed to spend eternity circling a very middle-class Oxfordshire town.

Eventually TP managed to make sense of the map and we headed North. I am sure that I saw sinister dark figures in pursuit as we sped away towards Oxford.