Wednesday; the onslaught of inactivity is overwhelming!
The one scheduled conference call was cancelled, although this was actually fortunate as it coincided with the only "must do" on my agenda viz collecting TP from school at 3.30 and running him over to the Dentist. Other than that and a walk my day was very quiet.
The evening saw a trip over to the LG Arena in Birmingham to see Russell Howard's Right Here, Right Now show. It was a fun evening of mostly observational comedy and 30% had arranged some fantastic seats only 20 or so rows back from the stage. Highlight of the evening for me was the tale of the West Country man whose daughter's pet mouse had died. He glued it to a toy motorbike and then buried it in the garden ...
... to really mess up a future episode of Time Team.
I have to be honest and say that although I enjoyed the show it wasn't the best piece of stand-up that I have seen. The audience loved him and that created a positive atmosphere that helped the show along but some of the material was not as honed as others on the circuit at the moment.
In his defence it must be very challenging to write a show and get up and perform when there are so many satellite TV channels showing comedy at the moment. The editing of those shows ensure that only the best gags from the best performers are featured and therefore sets a very high bar for a live performance.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Nothing, nada, naught, zero, zilch ... to see here !
It has been a very quiet couple of days here at The Pile. To say that work was on a slow simmer is an extreme exaggeration and I have been forced to regularly return to the pan just to make sure that the gas hasn't gone out.
Monday would have come and gone with nothing worthy of mention if it hadn't been for the encounter with Vetus homo iratus on my walk...
... its probably best if I leave it at that*.
Tuesday was slightly busier as I made a start on getting to grips with the new project that looks to kick off early in the New Year. I read through a few documents and, whilst I have a better understanding of what is going on, I have to admit that they raise more questions than they answer. I see a phone call with The States in the very near future to try to get an idea of what it is they exactly want from us. I also expect them to be very disappointed when I raise a few legal and corporate restrictions against that which they are proposing.
Monday would have come and gone with nothing worthy of mention if it hadn't been for the encounter with Vetus homo iratus on my walk...
... its probably best if I leave it at that*.
Tuesday was slightly busier as I made a start on getting to grips with the new project that looks to kick off early in the New Year. I read through a few documents and, whilst I have a better understanding of what is going on, I have to admit that they raise more questions than they answer. I see a phone call with The States in the very near future to try to get an idea of what it is they exactly want from us. I also expect them to be very disappointed when I raise a few legal and corporate restrictions against that which they are proposing.
---
* You will note, however, that this entry is NOT entitled "Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes..."
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Foxes, Fenton and Fallow Deer
Sunday started with the regular trip down to the Rugby Club. It was a training session so 30% and I dumped TP and took T&M for a walk.
We found a lovely circular route that took us out over the local farmland and through a parcel of woodland before dropping us back at the training pitch. The dogs had an absolute blast; charging here, there and everywhere with their noses pushed in to whatever they could find. Unfortunately one of their "finds" was a large pile of fox shit and the sods managed to roll in it before we could call them off. This meant that a bath was on the agenda as soon as we got home. We also nearly had a "Fenton" * moment while we were walking through the woods ...
.... as we wandered down the path I heard a rustle away to my right and turned to see three Fallow Deer running through through the trees less than twenty yards away. T&M were off like rockets charging after them. Marauder gave up pretty quickly but Tyson was pretty intent and charged off in to the distance. She came back after a couple of minutes of calling covered in leaves, twigs and other woodland debris. Having discovered the delights of chasing deer she remained absolutely wired for the rest of the walk in the anticipation of another encounter.
Once home the dogs were bathed and lunch was eaten. I then set about stacking the logs that had been delivered earlier in the week. I must have curried favour with the Gods as the logs have sat there for most of the week and not a drop of rain has fallen. In fact it was only as I stacked the last few that the heavens opened and it poured down. RESULT.
The rest of the day was a fairly usual Sunday. I took a trip over to Chippy Ian's for a natter, a cuppa and to settle a recent debt. I then returned home and set to with the hot air gun and completed the door frame at the foot of the stairs. After stripping away coats of paint I have uncovered a fine elm frame that will be oiled and waxed rather than hiding its charms under a coat of white gloss.
All in all it was quite a productive day.
We found a lovely circular route that took us out over the local farmland and through a parcel of woodland before dropping us back at the training pitch. The dogs had an absolute blast; charging here, there and everywhere with their noses pushed in to whatever they could find. Unfortunately one of their "finds" was a large pile of fox shit and the sods managed to roll in it before we could call them off. This meant that a bath was on the agenda as soon as we got home. We also nearly had a "Fenton" * moment while we were walking through the woods ...
.... as we wandered down the path I heard a rustle away to my right and turned to see three Fallow Deer running through through the trees less than twenty yards away. T&M were off like rockets charging after them. Marauder gave up pretty quickly but Tyson was pretty intent and charged off in to the distance. She came back after a couple of minutes of calling covered in leaves, twigs and other woodland debris. Having discovered the delights of chasing deer she remained absolutely wired for the rest of the walk in the anticipation of another encounter.
Once home the dogs were bathed and lunch was eaten. I then set about stacking the logs that had been delivered earlier in the week. I must have curried favour with the Gods as the logs have sat there for most of the week and not a drop of rain has fallen. In fact it was only as I stacked the last few that the heavens opened and it poured down. RESULT.
The rest of the day was a fairly usual Sunday. I took a trip over to Chippy Ian's for a natter, a cuppa and to settle a recent debt. I then returned home and set to with the hot air gun and completed the door frame at the foot of the stairs. After stripping away coats of paint I have uncovered a fine elm frame that will be oiled and waxed rather than hiding its charms under a coat of white gloss.
All in all it was quite a productive day.
---
* For the benefit of the blissfully unaware; this is a reference to the internet meme that is currently circulating showing a black Labrador chasing deer in Richmond Park to the complete distress of it's owner. The anguished shout of "Fenton, Fenton, FENTON ...... Oh Jesus Christ!" must strike a chord with any dog owner.
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Lady Bracknell summed it up quite nicely
Today I was out on the Three Miler a little after nine o'clock. The reason for the early start was that we planned to spend a good chunk of the day in Birmingham on a reconnoitre for 30%'s Christmas present. Since T&M were to be home alone for a good few hours it only seemed fair for them to have their constitutional before we departed.
For quite some time 30% has yearned for a Mulberry handbag. She has many handbags and is regularly to be found scouring eBay for another "must have" bag*. However these are nothing when compared to the items of fascination, nay adoration and worship, that are displayed on the Mulberry website**.
Well today was the day and Selfridges was our first point of call to finally move from the visual to the tactile. They didn't have the particular bag 30% desired but showed some of the finest customer service I have ever experienced when they phoned a competitor who had the right model albeit not in the desired colour and even gave us explicit directions on how to get there. Fifteen minutes later we in Harvey Nichols and 30% was wafted to handbag heaven...
... and now, or rather in fifteen days, she will have the handbag of her dreams. The funny thing is that it is a completely different design and a completely different colour from the one she thought she wanted.
** I'm guessing that the sensation is similar to me finding a mint condition Ducati 900 SS (1991 to 1998) with FSH, one careful owner, low mileage (all dry) etc etc etc
For quite some time 30% has yearned for a Mulberry handbag. She has many handbags and is regularly to be found scouring eBay for another "must have" bag*. However these are nothing when compared to the items of fascination, nay adoration and worship, that are displayed on the Mulberry website**.
Well today was the day and Selfridges was our first point of call to finally move from the visual to the tactile. They didn't have the particular bag 30% desired but showed some of the finest customer service I have ever experienced when they phoned a competitor who had the right model albeit not in the desired colour and even gave us explicit directions on how to get there. Fifteen minutes later we in Harvey Nichols and 30% was wafted to handbag heaven...
... and now, or rather in fifteen days, she will have the handbag of her dreams. The funny thing is that it is a completely different design and a completely different colour from the one she thought she wanted.
---
*There is a long standing joke that it is I that has the handbag collection since it seems to be my Paypal account that is used whenever payment is due. ** I'm guessing that the sensation is similar to me finding a mint condition Ducati 900 SS (1991 to 1998) with FSH, one careful owner, low mileage (all dry) etc etc etc
Friday, 9 December 2011
Air Dried Ham, Day 1
The working day was spent with my head down trying to complete the spreadsheet from hell. It's not fun and seems to have no real benefit or future use but its completion is mandated and so I spent many hours locating and manipulating data because a nameless individual says I have to...
... oh well, I've nearly finished and once I have the charmless cows who are demanding it will be off my back until the next contract is signed and that will be months away.
After work, I set to and packed the leg of pork in salt. This is the first stage of the process to produce an air dried ham. A good inch of table salt is poured over the base of the box. This is then sprinkled with cracked black peppercorns and coriander seeds. The boned leg is then weighed and the cavity created by the removal of the bone is packed with salt. It is then placed in the box and further salt is added until the leg is covered with at least an inch of salt between it and the sides and base of the box. There must also be at least an inch of salt covering the meat too.
A board is placed on top of the salt and it is weighted with bricks, these should be in the region of twice the weight of the pork leg. The salted leg is now left in a cool room for a period of time calculated using the metric of 3 to 4 days per kilo of pork. The leg is 6 kilos so it is going to be salted for about 21 days. It will be New Years Eve before it sees the light of day again.
In case anyone is interested, it took approximately 27 kilos of salt to pack the leg.
... oh well, I've nearly finished and once I have the charmless cows who are demanding it will be off my back until the next contract is signed and that will be months away.
After work, I set to and packed the leg of pork in salt. This is the first stage of the process to produce an air dried ham. A good inch of table salt is poured over the base of the box. This is then sprinkled with cracked black peppercorns and coriander seeds. The boned leg is then weighed and the cavity created by the removal of the bone is packed with salt. It is then placed in the box and further salt is added until the leg is covered with at least an inch of salt between it and the sides and base of the box. There must also be at least an inch of salt covering the meat too.
A board is placed on top of the salt and it is weighted with bricks, these should be in the region of twice the weight of the pork leg. The salted leg is now left in a cool room for a period of time calculated using the metric of 3 to 4 days per kilo of pork. The leg is 6 kilos so it is going to be salted for about 21 days. It will be New Years Eve before it sees the light of day again.
In case anyone is interested, it took approximately 27 kilos of salt to pack the leg.
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Turkey or Beef?
Thursday started with a shave and presentable apparel because Christmas Lunch was on the menu at the nearest circle of hell. To be honest I wasn't particularly fussed about whether I partook of the canteen's festive offering or not but it was a good excuse to link up with Tigger and Grandad Jack for a few laughs.
The plan was just to meet up for lunch but that rapidly got enhanced to include a couple after work at the local.
Any time spent with Tigger and Jack rapidly degenerates in to a stream of ridiculous stories and daft jokes and consequently is considered time well spent.
To give some idea of how it goes here is a transcript from an Instant Message ...
The day wasn't all fun 'n frolics though. I have been dragged back in to the deal that was signed back in the Summer and now have to spend the next few days completing the spreadsheet from hell.
The day certainly wasn't fun 'n frolics when I got home and had to spend a few moments discussing* English assessments and Work Experience placements with TP.
The plan was just to meet up for lunch but that rapidly got enhanced to include a couple after work at the local.
Any time spent with Tigger and Jack rapidly degenerates in to a stream of ridiculous stories and daft jokes and consequently is considered time well spent.
To give some idea of how it goes here is a transcript from an Instant Message ...
bad man Wot time are we going to the pub?
Grandad Jack 17.30
bad man is that the year of your birth?
Grandad Jack ‘koff
bad man :-)
The day wasn't all fun 'n frolics though. I have been dragged back in to the deal that was signed back in the Summer and now have to spend the next few days completing the spreadsheet from hell.
The day certainly wasn't fun 'n frolics when I got home and had to spend a few moments discussing* English assessments and Work Experience placements with TP.
---
* The discussing actually went on for quite some time and did involve references to lack of preparation on TP's part and regular reminders issued by my good self and 30%. I really don't know where he gets his obstinate streak from.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
I need a much bigger bag
The most important task this morning was to nip over to the Butchers to pick up the leg of pork I had ordered last Saturday.
I turned up and was shown a complete leg at a price that was too good to be true. A man with a very sharp knife in his hand advised that there was a considerable discount if I bought the whole leg …
… so I did. 15 minutes later I was walking out with the boned leg plus bones and trimmings in a separate doggy bag. I am going to end up with an absolutely enormous Prosciutto as the leg weighs a little over 13 lbs, allowing for moisture loss it is still going to be a hefty ham…
… I am also going to need considerably more salt than the 12 kilos 30% bought home a couple of days ago.
Last year’s experiment used a 3 lb shoulder joint which took about 10 kgs of salt and needed salting for about 10 days. This year I am looking at a salting period of at least 40 days using the recommended metric of 3 to 4 days per lb. I haven’t a clue how much salt I will need but I am guessing that I am looking at 20 kilos to adequately pack the leg with a minimum of an inch of salt between the meat and the sides of the box.
The leg is now sitting in the fridge whilst I buy all local stocks of salt.
On the work front I finished the critical piece of work that was dumped on me I was given on Friday. I have fired this across the Atlantic where it was received without even a murmur…
… Let’s hope that is a good sign.
Right how big are the bags of salt at Tesco?
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Things to do
My Colonial Colleagues finally responded to my list of questions and, "Surprise Surprise" they provided half arsed answers and a demand for my deliverable to be available to them in the next 48 hours.
This isn't as bad as it initially sounds as everything is very simple and very low risk. The one issue I do have is to ensure that I have covered my arse and have all boxes ticked. My Sales Administrator seems to think that I do not need to have check marks in the aforementioned containers but I note that he doesn't seem to be prepared to put that in writing and he has a certain notoriety for doing as little as is humanly possible* at work. I have therefore spent much of today ensuring that the right people know what I am doing and are given the opportunity to say "STOP"...
... so far, so good. The right people have been alerted and are making the right sorts of noises so my fingers crossed in the hope that no-one starts putting flies in the ointment.
This isn't as bad as it initially sounds as everything is very simple and very low risk. The one issue I do have is to ensure that I have covered my arse and have all boxes ticked. My Sales Administrator seems to think that I do not need to have check marks in the aforementioned containers but I note that he doesn't seem to be prepared to put that in writing and he has a certain notoriety for doing as little as is humanly possible* at work. I have therefore spent much of today ensuring that the right people know what I am doing and are given the opportunity to say "STOP"...
... so far, so good. The right people have been alerted and are making the right sorts of noises so my fingers crossed in the hope that no-one starts putting flies in the ointment.
---
* Tigger and I think he just sits out on the verandah and drinks Pimms all day.
Monday, 5 December 2011
Kicking Things Off
Monday has arrived and so I made a start on the most critical of the two pieces of work that my Charmless Manager chucked at me late on Friday afternoon. I had a quick chat with one of the Sales Support Team and most of my assumptions appear to be valid...
... it is a very simple piece of work and I just need to ensure that I adequately cover my arse and ensure that all necessary ticks are in boxes before I chuck it back across the North Atlantic. I therefore drafted a lengthy list of questions, demands and assumptions and e-mailed it over to my colleagues in The Colonies.
I then had a quick look at the next project and realised that that was likely to be a completely different kettle of fish* but that nothing urgent was going to come up this side of Christmas. I therefore put it to one side and will give it further consideration when boredom strikes towards the end of the week.
That basically was all I had to do on the work front. I'm not exactly maxxed out but with the Christmas Break on the horizon I hope things keep quiet until after the New Year. This time last year I was in the first iteration of my first major deal and was working right up until Christmas Eve. To be honest I hadn't really wound down from work until about 27th December and would like to be much more chilled about things this year.
The other big news from today is that 30% has managed to book us a week away in a cottage on The Gower Peninsula in February when TP is away on his skiing trip. The cottage is accessed down a rough track only suitable for 4 wheel drive vehicles and is right on the edge of a sandy bay. It looks remote and fantastic and are really looking forward to some windswept walks and evenings in front of a fire.
The only other news from today is that, in the true spirit of decoration procrastination I avoided peeling away remnants of wallpaper on the stairs and landing and instead found a door frame that needed stripping.
... it is a very simple piece of work and I just need to ensure that I adequately cover my arse and ensure that all necessary ticks are in boxes before I chuck it back across the North Atlantic. I therefore drafted a lengthy list of questions, demands and assumptions and e-mailed it over to my colleagues in The Colonies.
 |
| You can't have too many of these. |
I then had a quick look at the next project and realised that that was likely to be a completely different kettle of fish* but that nothing urgent was going to come up this side of Christmas. I therefore put it to one side and will give it further consideration when boredom strikes towards the end of the week.
That basically was all I had to do on the work front. I'm not exactly maxxed out but with the Christmas Break on the horizon I hope things keep quiet until after the New Year. This time last year I was in the first iteration of my first major deal and was working right up until Christmas Eve. To be honest I hadn't really wound down from work until about 27th December and would like to be much more chilled about things this year.
The other big news from today is that 30% has managed to book us a week away in a cottage on The Gower Peninsula in February when TP is away on his skiing trip. The cottage is accessed down a rough track only suitable for 4 wheel drive vehicles and is right on the edge of a sandy bay. It looks remote and fantastic and are really looking forward to some windswept walks and evenings in front of a fire.
The only other news from today is that, in the true spirit of decoration procrastination I avoided peeling away remnants of wallpaper on the stairs and landing and instead found a door frame that needed stripping.
---
* actually more accurately described as a complete and utter bastard of a project
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Nothing to see here
There is very little to report for Sunday.
It was an early start as TP had an away match so we were out of the house by quarter past nine. TP's team got beaten by a very experienced team but they put on a good show and I thought the game was very good. TP made some fine tackles and playing at Outside Centre rather than Wing seems to suit him much better. All they need to do now is have a couple of fixtures where the opposition are more closely matched to give them a much needed confidence boost.
After the match it was home for lunch and another spell in the very fresh air as I walked T&M around the Three Miler. Then it was my finest hour as I lit the log burner ...
... funnily enough, once you get one of those burning in your living room you don't tend to do much else for the rest of the day.
It was an early start as TP had an away match so we were out of the house by quarter past nine. TP's team got beaten by a very experienced team but they put on a good show and I thought the game was very good. TP made some fine tackles and playing at Outside Centre rather than Wing seems to suit him much better. All they need to do now is have a couple of fixtures where the opposition are more closely matched to give them a much needed confidence boost.
After the match it was home for lunch and another spell in the very fresh air as I walked T&M around the Three Miler. Then it was my finest hour as I lit the log burner ...
... funnily enough, once you get one of those burning in your living room you don't tend to do much else for the rest of the day.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Home alone .. ish
30% is away for a sleepover at her friend Pinky's house. Not being one for half measures, she was away with her overnight bag at ten thirty this morning with plans for a day's shopping in Worcester followed by a visit to a Chinese Buffet and then back to the aforementioned Pinky residence for wine and relationship counselling or perhaps more precisely post-relationship counselling.
This meant that I had the house to myself apart from TP, Tyson, Marauder, Noggin, Tog, Eddie and the chickens. I make that pretty much Home Alone as, apart from feeding and watering, they pretty much take care of themselves. Some of them do need their litter tray emptying but I won't go in to that as it will embarrass TP.
The morning was taken up with a trip over to the nearest DIY store for a couple of electrical components. On the way their I popped in to one of the local Butchers and finally ordered a tunnel boned leg of pork for this year's Prosciutto. After an enjoyable chat with the Butcher an order was placed and the leg will be ready for collection on Wednesday. It will actually be half a leg rather than the full leg as that would be a huge amount of Parma ham if all went well and a very expensive mistake if it didn't.
Once back from town I spent an hour or so removing the surface mounted light switch at the foot of the stairs and replaced it with a neat recessed switch box and shiny new switch. The stairs and landing are the next project on the decorating list and at the moment I seem to be finding anything to avoid finishing the preparation. In that vein the next job to be put off for a while is stripping the remnants of the wall paper.
The rest of the afternoon was taken up with a walk and a snooze on the sofa. I awoke just in time to prepare supper for TP and I and then returned to the sofa for a quiet evening in front of the TV.
I seem to have got to the end of Saturday without mentioning last night's Sarah Millican stand up performance. So putting that right I can report that it was a great evening. She was fast and bawdy with a great blend of anecdotal jokes and improvisation based on audience interaction. I'm not quite sure what my favourite joke was but the routine about what to use when you run out of toilet paper was very funny and Sarah's choice of Flash Wipes is obviously not to be recommended.
This meant that I had the house to myself apart from TP, Tyson, Marauder, Noggin, Tog, Eddie and the chickens. I make that pretty much Home Alone as, apart from feeding and watering, they pretty much take care of themselves. Some of them do need their litter tray emptying but I won't go in to that as it will embarrass TP.
The morning was taken up with a trip over to the nearest DIY store for a couple of electrical components. On the way their I popped in to one of the local Butchers and finally ordered a tunnel boned leg of pork for this year's Prosciutto. After an enjoyable chat with the Butcher an order was placed and the leg will be ready for collection on Wednesday. It will actually be half a leg rather than the full leg as that would be a huge amount of Parma ham if all went well and a very expensive mistake if it didn't.
Once back from town I spent an hour or so removing the surface mounted light switch at the foot of the stairs and replaced it with a neat recessed switch box and shiny new switch. The stairs and landing are the next project on the decorating list and at the moment I seem to be finding anything to avoid finishing the preparation. In that vein the next job to be put off for a while is stripping the remnants of the wall paper.
The rest of the afternoon was taken up with a walk and a snooze on the sofa. I awoke just in time to prepare supper for TP and I and then returned to the sofa for a quiet evening in front of the TV.
I seem to have got to the end of Saturday without mentioning last night's Sarah Millican stand up performance. So putting that right I can report that it was a great evening. She was fast and bawdy with a great blend of anecdotal jokes and improvisation based on audience interaction. I'm not quite sure what my favourite joke was but the routine about what to use when you run out of toilet paper was very funny and Sarah's choice of Flash Wipes is obviously not to be recommended.
Friday, 2 December 2011
Just when I thought I was done for the week
Before I start I'll mention that we had the first light frost of the Autumn today, It was nothing to shout about, just that the lawn was just slightly crunchy as a I wandered over to let the chickens out.
For most of Friday I thought "there's not going to be a lot to report in The Journal today". The morning was filled with a couple of conference calls. The first was best described as a Mother's meeting and the second covered an educational slide deck that I had already reviewed.
The afternoon included a walk around the Three Miler with T&M and by half past four I was about to close everything down as were were out early this evening to see Sarah Millican at the Warwick Arts Centre. As I was wishing Golfy a great weekend I was messaged by our Manager to to ask if I was free for a call.
I stupidly said yes and within 5 minutes had suddenly acquired two pieces of work to do. Now I don't have a problem with being given work to do it is just that the timing of the work allocation is typical of this idiot's approach. Let's recap ...
... it is 4.30 and Dante's Nine Circles of Hell is notorious in the Industry for everyone knocking off at lunchtime on a Friday. Now this might be a slight exaggeration but realistically what am I supposed to do with a couple of new projects in the next 30 minutes before I finish for the week? Most of the relevant contacts will have the same view as me and will want to leave things until Monday so why didn't my Manager?
I'll tell you why, because a) he doesn't appear to have the ability to analyse how his actions are perceived by others and b) I really don't think he understands how people tick. Who in their right mind would give a member of their team a new piece of work thirty minutes before the start of the weekend? What was he expecting me to do with it?
IS IT ME?
For most of Friday I thought "there's not going to be a lot to report in The Journal today". The morning was filled with a couple of conference calls. The first was best described as a Mother's meeting and the second covered an educational slide deck that I had already reviewed.
The afternoon included a walk around the Three Miler with T&M and by half past four I was about to close everything down as were were out early this evening to see Sarah Millican at the Warwick Arts Centre. As I was wishing Golfy a great weekend I was messaged by our Manager to to ask if I was free for a call.
I stupidly said yes and within 5 minutes had suddenly acquired two pieces of work to do. Now I don't have a problem with being given work to do it is just that the timing of the work allocation is typical of this idiot's approach. Let's recap ...
... it is 4.30 and Dante's Nine Circles of Hell is notorious in the Industry for everyone knocking off at lunchtime on a Friday. Now this might be a slight exaggeration but realistically what am I supposed to do with a couple of new projects in the next 30 minutes before I finish for the week? Most of the relevant contacts will have the same view as me and will want to leave things until Monday so why didn't my Manager?
I'll tell you why, because a) he doesn't appear to have the ability to analyse how his actions are perceived by others and b) I really don't think he understands how people tick. Who in their right mind would give a member of their team a new piece of work thirty minutes before the start of the weekend? What was he expecting me to do with it?
IS IT ME?
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Thursday's News
Hmmm! Apparently yesterday's Journal entry has caused a bit of a kerfuffle. On opening this morning's post it became apparent that Amnesty International (Domestic Appliance, Power Tool and Garden Equipment Division) are not at all happy about the Tumble Dryer.
To be honest this isn't the first time I have been the subject of their scrutiny as anyone who is familiar with the malevolent practises of the notorious criminal lawn mower will know. However, following thedisappearance under mysterious circumstances sad passing away of the lawn mower coupled with the fact that the replacement is treated like a Thoroughbred Stallion, I thought that they had lost interest and I would be allowed to govern here at The Pile without unwanted external interference ...
... but no, I now have a 15,000 word report summarising my alleged crimes against electrical and petrol powered devices and advising that a whole new investigation is under way following anonymous reports that a Tumble Dryer named Beko has been incarcerated without trial in a cellar at The Pile.
I am now in the process of drafting a carefully worded response to their allegations. To be honest I should treat the report for the nonsense it is and simply ignore it, but it is another quiet day so I have pulled together a few notes ...
... The main thrust of my reply will be based on the treatment given to other appliances at home. After all lets have a look at the Slow Cooker. Despite taking forever to do anything that inverted tortoise of a contraption is treated like Royalty. It sits on the worktop snug in its own electrically heated jacket and after each use it is lovingly hand washed in warm soapy water, then towelled dry and carefully placed back in its base. Are those the actions of a Despot who treats appliances like dirt under his feet? I think not.
Then there is the chain saw that I am on record as declaring my undying admiration for and, of course, the Porn Mower whose perfection has been recounted on several occasions. This is without even starting on the care and attention that the Motorcycles get.
Basically I think the AI (Domestic Appliance division)* are operating outside of their remit here. I think after careful consideration they will see that a) my treatment of powered goods is superior to that of most Developed Nation States and that b) they have no bloody jurisdiction here at The Pile anyway.
As a closing statement I would just like to point out that any Domestic Appliance that likes to have women's underwear stuffed in it's mouth is likely to quite enjoy being chained to a wall in a dark cellar!
** No, not the fucking skateboarder you illiterate
*** Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks (Ebury Press)
To be honest this isn't the first time I have been the subject of their scrutiny as anyone who is familiar with the malevolent practises of the notorious criminal lawn mower will know. However, following the
... but no, I now have a 15,000 word report summarising my alleged crimes against electrical and petrol powered devices and advising that a whole new investigation is under way following anonymous reports that a Tumble Dryer named Beko has been incarcerated without trial in a cellar at The Pile.
I am now in the process of drafting a carefully worded response to their allegations. To be honest I should treat the report for the nonsense it is and simply ignore it, but it is another quiet day so I have pulled together a few notes ...
... The main thrust of my reply will be based on the treatment given to other appliances at home. After all lets have a look at the Slow Cooker. Despite taking forever to do anything that inverted tortoise of a contraption is treated like Royalty. It sits on the worktop snug in its own electrically heated jacket and after each use it is lovingly hand washed in warm soapy water, then towelled dry and carefully placed back in its base. Are those the actions of a Despot who treats appliances like dirt under his feet? I think not.
Then there is the chain saw that I am on record as declaring my undying admiration for and, of course, the Porn Mower whose perfection has been recounted on several occasions. This is without even starting on the care and attention that the Motorcycles get.
Basically I think the AI (Domestic Appliance division)* are operating outside of their remit here. I think after careful consideration they will see that a) my treatment of powered goods is superior to that of most Developed Nation States and that b) they have no bloody jurisdiction here at The Pile anyway.
As a closing statement I would just like to point out that any Domestic Appliance that likes to have women's underwear stuffed in it's mouth is likely to quite enjoy being chained to a wall in a dark cellar!
---
* What this comes down to is the embarrassing lack of action on their part when Tony Hawks ** kidnapped a Fridge, smuggled it across International borders and literally dragged it around a foreign country for his own entertainment and profit ***. This is the White Goods equivalent of a Dancing Bear!** No, not the fucking skateboarder you illiterate
*** Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks (Ebury Press)
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Slow Day
Bloody Hell! What am I going to write about today? If Monday and Tuesday were "quiet" Wednesday was like an empty Morgue...
... TP was off school today due to the strike being held by the Civil and Public Service "workers". He decided to take a trip in to Worcester with a couple of his mates so my working day was only slightly disrupted by his day care requirements viz collection from the City Walls Road Car Park at four o'clock and the writing of a cheque for his Guitar lesson. Other than that, I barely felt his presence.
Golfy and I had an extended work discussion that covered a variety of key subject areas*, none of which I can recall, but that took up a good chunk of the morning.
I also managed to relocate the new tumble dryer from the hall to the cellar where it will be chained to the wall, in the damp darkness and will be expected to perform it's drying duties without thanks until it expires like the last one**.
After lunch I took T&M for a walk and had yet another gossiping session with Golfy before departing on the aforementioned mission to Worcester.
The evening saw me in charge of cooking supper which, with the assistance of a call from 30%, was timed to perfection and was served up within 5 minutes of her walking through the door at 7:15.
That's just about it for Wednesday.
** a little harsh perhaps but 30% won't allow me to incarcerate anyone without trial down there so I have the Tumble Dryer in the iron mask and imagine the rest.
... TP was off school today due to the strike being held by the Civil and Public Service "workers". He decided to take a trip in to Worcester with a couple of his mates so my working day was only slightly disrupted by his day care requirements viz collection from the City Walls Road Car Park at four o'clock and the writing of a cheque for his Guitar lesson. Other than that, I barely felt his presence.
Golfy and I had an extended work discussion that covered a variety of key subject areas*, none of which I can recall, but that took up a good chunk of the morning.
I also managed to relocate the new tumble dryer from the hall to the cellar where it will be chained to the wall, in the damp darkness and will be expected to perform it's drying duties without thanks until it expires like the last one**.
After lunch I took T&M for a walk and had yet another gossiping session with Golfy before departing on the aforementioned mission to Worcester.
The evening saw me in charge of cooking supper which, with the assistance of a call from 30%, was timed to perfection and was served up within 5 minutes of her walking through the door at 7:15.
That's just about it for Wednesday.
---
*50% gossip, 30% nonsense, 4% work, 15% death threats and general ill wishes to fellow workers** a little harsh perhaps but 30% won't allow me to incarcerate anyone without trial down there so I have the Tumble Dryer in the iron mask and imagine the rest.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Virgin on the ridiculous!
It was another quiet day today. I did however instigate a piece of Manager Manipulation or, as Golfy puts it, major creeping...
... every week we have a team call and, for some strange reason, the Chair is usually too busy to host it so I end up with the job and the resulting minutes. To be honest I don't mind. Its not a tough gig and and my idiot Boss probably thinks its a more significant activity than it actually is.
To say my manager is a bit geeky is a bit like saying that the Pope is slightly catholic and, for balance, that the Devil may not have you best interests at heart when he directs you to Molten Brimstone Pool#14. Yes, he absolutely loves technology* and will spend hours farting around to automate an activity when a repeating meeting invite and a couple of emails will do the trick. Myperception manipulation creeping was to emulate this technology fetish and perform a similar activity for the weekly team meeting. I had a Mmwahaha moment as I removed another potential area of criticism from the nitpicking idiot's list of doom.
Other News: on a fairly frequent basis the tabloids will print a picture of a crisp or slice of toast that bears a slight resemblance to an iconic figure such as Jesus or the Virgin Mary. Quite how anyone knows what Jesus or TVM actually looks like mystifies me since they both pre-date the daguerreotype by the best part of two millennia. What they are actually saying is that they have found a potato that looks like Robert Powell** or the front cover of The Ladybird book; The little lord Jesus...
... I may have rambled off there but I am slowly getting the point. Today I went for one of my 5-a-day and found this in the fruit bowl
If you look closely in the right lighting you can see that it bears a slight resemblance to a Virgin Atlantic airliner. I'm guessing that its just not clear enough to be picked up by The Press.
** Powell played the lead in Jesus of Nazareth in the 1970's
... every week we have a team call and, for some strange reason, the Chair is usually too busy to host it so I end up with the job and the resulting minutes. To be honest I don't mind. Its not a tough gig and and my idiot Boss probably thinks its a more significant activity than it actually is.
To say my manager is a bit geeky is a bit like saying that the Pope is slightly catholic and, for balance, that the Devil may not have you best interests at heart when he directs you to Molten Brimstone Pool#14. Yes, he absolutely loves technology* and will spend hours farting around to automate an activity when a repeating meeting invite and a couple of emails will do the trick. My
Other News: on a fairly frequent basis the tabloids will print a picture of a crisp or slice of toast that bears a slight resemblance to an iconic figure such as Jesus or the Virgin Mary. Quite how anyone knows what Jesus or TVM actually looks like mystifies me since they both pre-date the daguerreotype by the best part of two millennia. What they are actually saying is that they have found a potato that looks like Robert Powell** or the front cover of The Ladybird book; The little lord Jesus...
... I may have rambled off there but I am slowly getting the point. Today I went for one of my 5-a-day and found this in the fruit bowl
 |
| Its a bloody miracle |
---
* My Manager. I'm not sure whether the Devil is a Mac User or not.** Powell played the lead in Jesus of Nazareth in the 1970's
Monday, 28 November 2011
Picture Post. No. 15
It was another quiet day today. My most significant achievement at work was to achieve a score of 86% in an on-line test covering the training material I reviewed last week. I suppose I should have considered taking the test again and aiming for a clean sheet but to be honest I have already had experience of including this type of service in a solution and know that there is a team of Specialists that have to be brought in to work out what to do and and how much it costs. I am assuming that those guys are more than capable of attaining 100% in the test and I am therefore satisfied that my paltry score indicates that I know who to contact and what they would be proposing.
That, I am afraid to say, was the most significant activity at work today. I have plans for the rest of the week but the only other thing that occupied me today was to finish clipping Tyson and Marauders' hind feet. For some reason they get rather fidgety so I only clipped their faces and front legs yesterday and today I addressed the remaining tootsies. They now look reasonably presentable but there is some extensive brushing and de-tangling to be done as their coats are getting quite long.
The lack of news means that it is time for another Picture Post. This one is yet another from our Summer Holiday and is the Grizzly Bear we encountered near Mount Washburn
It may not be a great photo but it was a real treat to spend nearly an hour watching the bear wander across the hillside grubbing around amongst the herbage for whatever morsels it could find and this is a great reminder of that day.
That, I am afraid to say, was the most significant activity at work today. I have plans for the rest of the week but the only other thing that occupied me today was to finish clipping Tyson and Marauders' hind feet. For some reason they get rather fidgety so I only clipped their faces and front legs yesterday and today I addressed the remaining tootsies. They now look reasonably presentable but there is some extensive brushing and de-tangling to be done as their coats are getting quite long.
The lack of news means that it is time for another Picture Post. This one is yet another from our Summer Holiday and is the Grizzly Bear we encountered near Mount Washburn
 |
| It was a long way off even with a 300mm lens |
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Weekend round-up
Saturday's activities had been set in stone for a good few months as we were off to Twickenham to see The Barbarians play Australia. This was the final element of TP's array of Birthday surprises. TP has a close friend; Nathan and their birthdays are only a few days apart. As a result of the birthday proximity and their friendship their celebrations frequently have a degree of overlap. This year 30% arranged the Top Gear Live event and Nathan's Mum; Trish arranged the trip to Twickenham.
At ten o'clock we* all climbed in to the car and set off down South. In accordance with my usual approach I had failed to do much up front planning based on my sketchy knowledge of the local Geography** and my blind faith that there would be adequate car parking in close proximity to the Stadium...
I'm sure that I have now wandered in to an alternate reality as, again, The Gods smiled upon me and we turned on the Sat Nav to be immediately instructed to take the Staines junction of the M25 and cruise up the A316 straight up to Stadium. We circled a roundabout and pulled in to a temporary car park at Richmond College and were only 200 yards from the Ground and even on the right side of the carriageway for a rapid departure back towards the motorway.
We had a great day and saw some cracking Rugby. It was slightly unfortunate that most of the Rugby was played by Australia and the final score of 60:11 says it all.
As for Sunday, it was pretty unusual. I drove TP to rugby practice and took T&M for a walk while 30% stayed at The Pile and did a serious amount of tidying.
After lunch the dogs were given a much needed clip to their faces and feet and the rest of the day was spent doing as little as possible.
All in all a rather pleasant weekend.
** I spent 6 years living just South of the River in Motspur Park, New Malden and "sort of" used to know my way around Staines, Richmond etc
At ten o'clock we* all climbed in to the car and set off down South. In accordance with my usual approach I had failed to do much up front planning based on my sketchy knowledge of the local Geography** and my blind faith that there would be adequate car parking in close proximity to the Stadium...
I'm sure that I have now wandered in to an alternate reality as, again, The Gods smiled upon me and we turned on the Sat Nav to be immediately instructed to take the Staines junction of the M25 and cruise up the A316 straight up to Stadium. We circled a roundabout and pulled in to a temporary car park at Richmond College and were only 200 yards from the Ground and even on the right side of the carriageway for a rapid departure back towards the motorway.
We had a great day and saw some cracking Rugby. It was slightly unfortunate that most of the Rugby was played by Australia and the final score of 60:11 says it all.
As for Sunday, it was pretty unusual. I drove TP to rugby practice and took T&M for a walk while 30% stayed at The Pile and did a serious amount of tidying.
After lunch the dogs were given a much needed clip to their faces and feet and the rest of the day was spent doing as little as possible.
All in all a rather pleasant weekend.
---
* Me, Trish, TP and Nathan** I spent 6 years living just South of the River in Motspur Park, New Malden and "sort of" used to know my way around Staines, Richmond etc
Friday, 25 November 2011
Red Letter Day
Friday: I thought I'd got a reasonable Friday arranged for myself. If my in-box were a swimming pool it would most definitely be the shallow end*. I have no conference calls scheduled and all I need to do is complete a few on-line training courses before a civilised finish at five o'clock. How could you improve on that without taking a day's holiday?
Basically this was one of those days where I was eating the apple and expecting to find the worm at any point. At lunchtime I was halfway through a slice of toast when my Manager** pinged me on the Instant Messenger ...
... "Oh Shit" I thought, rapidly followed by "what does this twat want" and finishing with "I'm about to get dumped on". I grudging agreed to taking his call pointing out that I was free, if being half way through a sandwich fell in to his definition of free. I did but a smiley face on the end but was, in fact, being sarcastic***. Apparently being half way through lunch is free and I am of a mind to start some tests to see how formal the meal has to be before he doesn't call ....
Manager: bad man, are you free for a call?
bad man: I'm carving a roast swan for the Queen
Manager: That's fine, it will only take a couple of minutes
bad man: Sorry Maj, I'll get rid of this dick and then I'll dish up the roast potatoes.
Apologies for wandering off the point, I took the call and was somewhat amazed to find that I had been granted a Service Excellence Award and would be receiving the princely sum of $500 in my next salary payment. I was obviously chuffed with this but I STILL THINK THAT HE IS A COMPLETE COCK and he proved that by putting his usual tarnish on everything he touches.
Manager: remember that that is dollars not pounds
bad man: yep, got that
Manager: and that it is subject to tax and national insurance deductions
bad man: shut up before we reach the point where I owe you money!
So all in all my working day looked good at the start and actually improved. I am now slightly worried that I may have actually entered an alternative reality because I am fairly sure that there is a Natural Law that states that an easy day at work can only get worse, much worse.
** I refuse to call him my Boss on the grounds that suggests a degree of familiarity or even conviviality between us
*** unusual for me, I know.
Basically this was one of those days where I was eating the apple and expecting to find the worm at any point. At lunchtime I was halfway through a slice of toast when my Manager** pinged me on the Instant Messenger ...
... "Oh Shit" I thought, rapidly followed by "what does this twat want" and finishing with "I'm about to get dumped on". I grudging agreed to taking his call pointing out that I was free, if being half way through a sandwich fell in to his definition of free. I did but a smiley face on the end but was, in fact, being sarcastic***. Apparently being half way through lunch is free and I am of a mind to start some tests to see how formal the meal has to be before he doesn't call ....
Manager: bad man, are you free for a call?
bad man: I'm carving a roast swan for the Queen
Manager: That's fine, it will only take a couple of minutes
bad man: Sorry Maj, I'll get rid of this dick and then I'll dish up the roast potatoes.
Apologies for wandering off the point, I took the call and was somewhat amazed to find that I had been granted a Service Excellence Award and would be receiving the princely sum of $500 in my next salary payment. I was obviously chuffed with this but I STILL THINK THAT HE IS A COMPLETE COCK and he proved that by putting his usual tarnish on everything he touches.
Manager: remember that that is dollars not pounds
bad man: yep, got that
Manager: and that it is subject to tax and national insurance deductions
bad man: shut up before we reach the point where I owe you money!
So all in all my working day looked good at the start and actually improved. I am now slightly worried that I may have actually entered an alternative reality because I am fairly sure that there is a Natural Law that states that an easy day at work can only get worse, much worse.
---
* I think that this is a great analogy, even down to the fact that it has used plasters floating in it i.e. things you neither need or want to see.** I refuse to call him my Boss on the grounds that suggests a degree of familiarity or even conviviality between us
*** unusual for me, I know.
Thursday, 24 November 2011
I usually just let things pan out
Today I had actually put some effort in to planning my day ...
... Golfy and I were to meet up at The Nearest Circle of Hell. The aim was to have the shortest possible day stood in pools of molten brimstone and then retire to the nearest public house for a couple of drinks. This, as plans go, is pretty good and quite achievable. I do have some absolutely fantastic plans but I do tend to find that my truly great visions tend to be quite hard to complete, By way of an example, the plan to draw a huge cock on my manager's front lawn in a strong solution of Round-up* was truly inspired but realistically it is never going to happen**.
Anyway, back to my scheduling, the plan was to work then visit the pub with Golfy, Grandad Jack and The Navvy. To fill my working day I arranged a couple of meetings interspersed with plenty of tea breaks. Now anyone who knows me well will be thinking "surely he means coffee breaks" but today, for some reason, the coffee was not sitting well with me and I spent the day drinking tea.
Apologies for the mundane digression there, the other great thing about this planning was that I had totally managed to avoid the School skiing trip meeting at seven o'clock by way of the fact that I would be sat laughing and joking in the pub; RESULT. Fortunately my delegation skills meant that 30% took on this parental duty ***
So, the day started and ran pretty well to plan. One of the meetings was an "interview". Our team has a monthly newsletter and every month one of the team gets selectedpicked on for a light hearted interview. This month the spinning bottle stopped at me and I had to sit and answer a string of the most peculiar questions. I won't recount them here to preserve my anonymity but needless to say Golfy and Grandad had huge laughs at my expense based on one of the answers I gave.
Apparently I am now the living embodiment of Elton John and apparently this is payback for the incredibly accurate e-fit photo of Golfy I produced a few weeks back.
The pub was fun but we all came to the conclusion that a couple of drinks was a dangerous point to stop as there was an incredible temptation to just keep going. Basically this is drinking equivalent of coitus interruptus.
I rolled on to the drive at eight in the evening and TP and 30% arrived a few minutes later. Supper was had in front of the TV and we basked in the warm glow of knowing that tomorrow is Friday.
** only because I don't have his home address
*** Don't worry all you fans of equality ; I'll pay for this a thousand fold
... Golfy and I were to meet up at The Nearest Circle of Hell. The aim was to have the shortest possible day stood in pools of molten brimstone and then retire to the nearest public house for a couple of drinks. This, as plans go, is pretty good and quite achievable. I do have some absolutely fantastic plans but I do tend to find that my truly great visions tend to be quite hard to complete, By way of an example, the plan to draw a huge cock on my manager's front lawn in a strong solution of Round-up* was truly inspired but realistically it is never going to happen**.
Anyway, back to my scheduling, the plan was to work then visit the pub with Golfy, Grandad Jack and The Navvy. To fill my working day I arranged a couple of meetings interspersed with plenty of tea breaks. Now anyone who knows me well will be thinking "surely he means coffee breaks" but today, for some reason, the coffee was not sitting well with me and I spent the day drinking tea.
Apologies for the mundane digression there, the other great thing about this planning was that I had totally managed to avoid the School skiing trip meeting at seven o'clock by way of the fact that I would be sat laughing and joking in the pub; RESULT. Fortunately my delegation skills meant that 30% took on this parental duty ***
So, the day started and ran pretty well to plan. One of the meetings was an "interview". Our team has a monthly newsletter and every month one of the team gets selected
Apparently I am now the living embodiment of Elton John and apparently this is payback for the incredibly accurate e-fit photo of Golfy I produced a few weeks back.
The pub was fun but we all came to the conclusion that a couple of drinks was a dangerous point to stop as there was an incredible temptation to just keep going. Basically this is drinking equivalent of coitus interruptus.
I rolled on to the drive at eight in the evening and TP and 30% arrived a few minutes later. Supper was had in front of the TV and we basked in the warm glow of knowing that tomorrow is Friday.
---
* a systemic weedkiller** only because I don't have his home address
*** Don't worry all you fans of equality ; I'll pay for this a thousand fold
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
I was doing something else
I have been moaned at by Golfy and the Mad Bat for the scarcity of Journal entries over the past couple of weeks. So now I am back at work, I will do my best to avoid doing what I should be doing and will scrawl instead.
Why haven't I blogged? I don't really know. I just, sort of, lost the urge. There wasn't a huge amount going on and there was only so many times I could write "I walked the dogs" or "I did some cooking" before I felt responsible for engendering a feeling of extreme tedium in anyone that cared to linger here.
This is not to say that stuff didn't happen, I just didn't feel like weaving it in to a narrative. I guess that I just got plain lazy. So for all of you that have persevered with a bad man's journal here is list of some of the shit that happened over the past week or so ....
... And now I am back at work and am spending the first few days clearing the e-mails that have built up and completing some mandated training. It is possible that I may have slightly exaggerated the amount of training and email to my Manager.
Other news: I now have irrefutable evidence that 30% cannot slice bread.
Now I agree that this approach does give you a larger slice but if you are going to use that argument you may as well slice the loaf horizontally. This bread assault is a regular occurrence in our house and there have been occasions where I have had to rectify a "compound mitre de pain" before my morning toast can be made.
** It was exactly as you would expect it to be
*** That bloody hurt ... "No Mr bad man, we don't numb you up for a crown fitting"
**** That cost over £100 but at least I no longer need to mop up dog pee
Why haven't I blogged? I don't really know. I just, sort of, lost the urge. There wasn't a huge amount going on and there was only so many times I could write "I walked the dogs" or "I did some cooking" before I felt responsible for engendering a feeling of extreme tedium in anyone that cared to linger here.
This is not to say that stuff didn't happen, I just didn't feel like weaving it in to a narrative. I guess that I just got plain lazy. So for all of you that have persevered with a bad man's journal here is list of some of the shit that happened over the past week or so ....
- I did make the Puy Lentil and Bacon soup. TP & 30% really liked it*
- I took TP and two of his chums to see Top Gear Live at the NEC**
- I paid a further visit to the Dentist to have a crown fitted ***
- I had my retinas photographed
- The camera that failed on holiday was returned from the repair shop
- I took Marauder to the vets on two separate occasions ****
- I went to Motorcycle Live 2011 at the NEC
... And now I am back at work and am spending the first few days clearing the e-mails that have built up and completing some mandated training. It is possible that I may have slightly exaggerated the amount of training and email to my Manager.
Other news: I now have irrefutable evidence that 30% cannot slice bread.
 |
| That's 25 degrees off vertical |
---
* I'm yet to be persuaded.** It was exactly as you would expect it to be
*** That bloody hurt ... "No Mr bad man, we don't numb you up for a crown fitting"
**** That cost over £100 but at least I no longer need to mop up dog pee
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