Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Don't try this at home.

People ask me, they say "tell me bad man, where you do get your ideas for your journal?"

In my bloody dreams.

I don't get a huge amount of feed back*. I get the occasional comment and readers who really know me will ping me on Dante's Instant Messaging System to ask if the chemicals are prescription or non-prescription in origin. They may also ask if 30% is a qualified psychiatric nurse.

But I'm starting to wander already, If you had to listen to the non-copyright, assumed to be inspirational, repeating loop of muzak that precedes all of the conference calls I have to attend you would do anything to try and drown it out. So Journal material jottings fill this time.

You must know what I mean. It is all pan-pipes, and rhythmic slightly ethnic drums and undecipherable vocals that only a teenager can actually hear. It may have been quite nice the first time I heard it but it has long since lost its novelty value and they may as well play Greensleeves on a stylophone.

So, that is one of the "down times" when my mind starts to wander and, as you may well have guessed, a stroll with Tyson and Marauder can also nurture the seeds of ideas.

I need to take a moment to offer a piece of advice to the Bear Man who kindly left a comment saying that he found the piece I scrawled on Spiders slightly amusing and that it resulted in him spraying coffee on his iPhone. Bear Man you need one of these. Note the logo on the back. They are "ruggedized" and there is no need to buy a skin or iPhone DRESS as I prefer to call. them.

Now where was I? Yes, It may surprise you to know that I do like the occasional wind up and poor TP does occasionally get his leg pulled. He is 13 and his sense of humour is developing nicely. He has a strong sense of the absurd combined with a cynical, sarcastic streak - that latter element must come from his Mother.

He also knows that all Monkeys are funny.

This is a fundamental law that is built in to the fabric of the universe. This is probably more in the quantum arena than the more quantifiable e=mc2 stuff . More "is the cat in the box dead or not dead - well its both". Think along the lines of - is the quantum monkey funny or not funny - The answer is "Yes". Mind you if a monkey weighs 10 Lbs how big a thermonuclear explosion could it make?

Anyway wind ups. Here are a couple of my favourites preserved for posterity here in the Journal.

A while back just before Marauder arrived on the scene I told TP and 30% that about 50 years ago there were only 5 names that you could legally give to dogs in the UK; Shep, Towser, Rex, Lassie and one that I couldn't remember. I had them both going for a moment or two until I said that the missing name was Whiffler. That was the point at which they groaned and said there was no way Marauder was going to be called Whiffler. Curse Them!

I know it sounds bloody ludicrous but apparently it was not until 1993 that French parents had the freedom to give any name they liked to their progeny. Prior to that there was a prescribed list. Mind you - with all the Chelseas and Chardonnays around in the UK you might wonder why they repealed it. Remember, base your cobblers on fact and it can become plausible.

The other night I managed to get 30% going for a moment when she advised that her favourite ice cream was Raspberry Ripple. I advised that in this era of Political Correctness it was no longer acceptable to call it Raspberry Ripple and was now know as differently able ice cream.

Finally and this is one that the Legal Guys have asked me to advise should not be imitated - when driving with an impressionable person in the passenger seat - shut your left eye (in the UK, right in most other parts of the world) and exclaim excitedly that you can drive with both of your eyes closed. See whether your passenger a) goes in to extreme panic mode or b) realises after the 3rd set of lights and second roundabout that you do not in fact have supernatural powers.

If they go for c) call you a stupid pillock drop them off a couple of miles from home in the rain - serves them right for not appreciating the joke.

* comments are always welcome. If they are non-complimentary I will just delete them. If they are nice I may even reply.


  1. Chuckling again.... Understand the pan pipes and will try out the one-eyed driver on daughter... may get arrested.

  2. That music. Urghhhhhhhh. It gets in your brain, and I am like you, and like one of Pavlov's dogs. I only need to hear the first bar of music and I am tidying my home office, taking the chordless phone with me to make a coffee and sorting my email. I dread to think what might happen to me if I should ever hear the same music "in the wild".