Quick, Hide the evidence..........

This evening saw me pop round to Cathy's to pick up half a pig. I reckon I actually got more than half or she needs to have her holding checked over with a Geiger counter because I have four trotters and a complete head. I have therefore uprated my half to about 56% rather than phone the National Enquirer about a two headed, eight legged, porcine monster that has savaged the community and been killed by a SWAT team at the end of a 12 hour rampage of blood and gore ...........

........... well, it could have happened like that.

It came to £68 and 30% estimates that it is no more that £1 per 1 lb which is a great deal provided you can store the meat. Fortunately we are a 3 freezer household and they are all full now.

The hind leg looks fantastic and I have already 'phoned Dad to borrow Grand Dad's boning knife and I have also scrounged some ply to make a box for the salting stage of the ham curing. More on that once I get started. At the moment the leg is resting in the fridge for a day or so until I find the 2 or 3 hours I need to get it all going.

Tomorrow I plan to smoke a couple of cuts of the bacon that I cured. Working from home is great as I work near the Inglenook and can keep one eye on the smoking fire to make sure it doesn't burn too hot. It is not a sophisticated process; the bacon is hung on hooks and suspended from a rod in the chimney. A very small, smokey fire is lit and kept burning for 3 or 4 hours. End result, lightly smoked bacon. More on that tomorrow.

Cathy also advised that Village Idiot has been released from Hospital as they have decided that he has not had a heart attack. He does suffer from a muscle wasting disease and apparently exertion caused an unusual heart rhythm which was mistaken for an attack.

This is obviously good news but I am having problems assembling a sentence which has "VI" and "exertion" in it. It must have been one hell of a brook trout that took his worm on Thursday evening - that's all I can say.

It has all got a bit culinary today.

Village Idiot called in yesterday evening and has again liberated a quantity of Rhubarb from one of his "customers" gardens and kindly given it to me.

I have called in a clean up squad and am pretty sure that the soft fruit * police will have problems pinning anything on me as a "Receiver" unless they read this Journal. The stems were prepped and stewed before breakfast and the the leaves are now in the compost heap. All of the implements have been washed and the Rhubarb is cooling before being packed in to the Freezer.

"You got nuffing on me Guv - that's been in there for months". I will be using the Cat's Brief if an arrest follows.

My lunch break saw me preparing a marinade for some Salmon steaks. I'm not a huge fan of the fish - unless smoked and served with soft scrambled eggs -  but letting it rest in a marinade comprising Oil, Garlic, Black Peppercorns, Salt, fresh Rosemary, Chili flakes and Worcester Sauce certainly improves it. I just grind all of the ingredients in a pestle and mortar and let the fish swim in that for as long as possible before baking or pan frying....

... a few New Potatoes and some fresh green beans and that is Supper sorted.

There will be more Foody stuff later as 30% has bought some shoulder of pork at a bargain price and the plan is to make a batch of Black Pudding Sausages this evening.

* Before the Pedants come rushing in, I know that Rhubarb is a leaf stem not a fruit and therefore more akin to Celery or Cale than Strawberries or Tomatoes which are true fruits.

A change of pace

What a lovely day.

The weekend is here - nothing special planned and hopefully I will be popping down to Camelot HQ on Monday to pick up a big cardboard cheque rather than be sitting in front of an e-mail application.

What a great way to reject a meeting. " Sorry I'd love to attend but the Sun will be taking a photograph of me accepting a large cardboard cheque presented by a C-List celebrity at the time you have asked me to review your project plan. Rgds a bad man".

Back to reality, had a lovely evening walk and 30% was home in time to accompany me. Tyson is a little willful at the moment and I am guessing it is her hormones. A little troubling that she is charging off at present and ignoring shouts.whistles and claps to attract her attention and call her back. Typical Woman really - does what she wants, when she wants. I have obviously brought her up properly and Ms Greer and associates will be congratulating Tyson for her decision to take control of her life and not be constrained by the directions of a man she lives with chooses to share her life with..

Women's Rights for dogs. I never thought I'd reach that point when I started typing this entry. If any of this looks planned that is coincidence or good fortune. Elements of it may be loosely strung together when I am walking the dogs or stuck on the call from hell but a lot of the time I just start with a blank page and go for it.

Obviously with the weather so splendid at the moment I need to give another salute to my hat which is performing its fine weather duties of shielding my eyes and neck from the sun superbly. A brief nod to Stetson Hats - that's it end of product placement.

This entry is totally back to front as today started with me doing my normal morning routine plus knocking up a Rhubarb Compote - stewing a few Rhubarb stems - that Village Idiot dropped off last night. I love Rhubarb and VI had brought over a dozen or so stalks that he had liberated from a garden that he is supposed to be watering while its owner is away on their hols.

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth these are now stewed in their own juices with a couple of desert spoons of sugar and are living in the fridge. They will go nicely with a scoop of vanilla ice cream or what ever else I can find in there. Easy, lovely and free.

A Thai curry for dinner accompanied by a Couple of Beers - Leffe Blonde - end of product placement and the weekend has truly started.

It's the carbs

I found time yesterday to have another fiddle with the other bike and again managed to start her but she has developed a habit of dumping a quantity of petrol over the garage floor instead of running. Using my limited deductive powers I tried starting her with the fuel cock switched off and it was a Doctor Frankenstein "IT LIVES!" moment. Swiftly followed by an "It's Died" moment when I turned the fuel on and flooded it.

This suggests that the carburetters are gummed up with old fuel deposits and will need a bit of attention to get her to run for anything more that a few seconds. Now my mechanical skills are at the "take it off, put it back on" level and I think cleaning precision balanced components and hoping they will work afterwards is probably beyond me plus the garage isn't the cleanest environment to work in so a trip to the Workshop needs to be arranged.

30% and I have made a damn good start on the Kitchen with much filling and sanding. That pretty much sums up what will be happening today too.

Yesterday evening's entertainment was in the form of the Village Idiot turning up with two frozen mackerel - Don't Ask, Just Don't Ask - and requesting assistance to load his few sheep in to a trailer so he can drop them off at a local farm for shearing. I said I was up for this and would pop round this evening adding that the mackerel were quite likely to find their way in to our Hot Smoker.

VI then advised that he had a forthcoming appointment at the Magistrates Court as a result of a misunderstanding with the DSS or whatever they are called now. He had previously had a few interviews about sums of cash in certain  bank accounts that invalidated claims he was making and thought he was in the clear when they simply advised that he needed to pay back the over claim. It now seems that they have decided that a court appearance is in order too.

30% and I have recently been giving the matter of employment a lot of consideration in view of our recent brushes with redundancy and as tax payers VI's incredibly blase view of what basically distills down to fraud didn't meet with our approval. As a result 30% gave VI both barrels and pointed out quite clearly and concisely that she did not appreciate VI coming round and, to use the modern idiom, "giving it the Large" about making fraudulent claims and the minimal punishment he was likely to get from the Magistrates in view of his heart condition that prevents him from working but doesn't seem to stop him from doing quite a lot of decorating and gardening "on the side".

I could wax lyrical about VI but it is definitely a case of extremely eccentric inbred ingrate.....

... and after after moving 10 of his sheep off to a local farm for sheering I hope he looks kindly upon me when his lambs have been butchered because the bugger certainly owes me a cheap one!

Tension Mounts.

A brief entry this evening.

If you say this in your finest Kenneth Williams voice and add "Matron" at the end it might raise a smile or we could always go with the traditional "as the Actress said to the Bishop".

Mate with Van arrived this evening and the Vespa was strapped in. Talk about mixed feelings, I want her to go so that she can be put back where she belongs; on the road. On the other hand seeing her tied down in the back of a Van I watch her go filled with trepidation concerned that she will end up on her side; stricken, fluids leaking out during her Journey to the Workshop.

I would say that it is like seeing your child ride off on their "two wheeler" for the first time but it it isn't. If they fall off the services at A&E are free and how much damage can a 5 year old do to itself falling 12 inches on to grass! The Vespa falling over in the back of transit is far more serious and worrying.

My family calls as yesterday evening was marked by a visit by the local village idiot!. You may recall from yesterday's entry that I had been in a client workshop and wanted to come home and relax. Instead I listened to the chaotic ramblings of a local nutter for two and a half hours. I will fill in the details when I can find the energy and my sense of humour has been restored.