True Grit .....

.... and determination.

Monday marks the third day of the prep work.

I took T&M for an early walk and then clambered in to the bedroom. I suppose I need to add that the two doorways have been "tented", with dust sheets taped over the outside, so that the doors and frames can be rubbed down without the pervasive dust and grit filling the rest of the house.

It is not a fun job. It is hot and filthy and you are either balancing on a set of steps or are hunched on hands and knees. There seems to be very little middle ground.


Today I think we finally turned a corner but there is still a long way to go. 30% joined me and volunteered for the stripping of the window sills and the skirting boards. I persevered with the two cupboards and the door on to the landing and after lunch I actually vacuumed them "free" of dust and applied the first coat of oil to the bare wood.

The oil really brings out the colour and grain of the old timber and I would like to say that it has spurred me on but I take a lingering look at the skirting boards and shudder.

Weekend Round Up

Saturday; St Georges Day.

As previously advised, The Journal is likely to be less than exciting over the Easter Break as I have a mountain of decoration preparation to get through. I finally finished stripping the door frame and then 30% and I nipped over to Alcester to choose a light fitting for the bedroom. I then returned and spent a "happy" couple of hours making good the ceiling of one of the cupboards that had been somewhat destroyed damaged during the replastering of the bedroom ceiling a few weeks back by Andy & Steve.

I finally emerged from a very gritty, cramped space with enough time to take T&M around the Three Miler before I showered and shaved for the St Georges Day "Do".

"C" is a somewhat eccentric but delightful CBE who is in his late 70s and arranges both the Burns Night and the St Georges Day celebrations at one of the local pubs. These both follow a similar theme with a set menu, a few speeches, a load of drink and many laughs. 30%, TP, Jules and I are lucky enough to be on the guest list for these occasions so we all turned up at The Old Bull for a lovely evening of food, wine and discourse.


TP had spent the past week with his Mum and Grandma and arrived home in time for this Spring festivity.

I'm not really one for celebrations but St Georges Day now has quite a degree of significance for us as it is the anniversary of the date that TP came to live with us after a particularly lengthy and unpleasant Court Case resulting in a Residency Order. Saturday marks the fourth anniversary of the day that TP came to live with us.

And so, after a boozy night, we all rolled in to our beds to wake on Easter Sunday.

Before the "prep" work continued there were gifts of Easter Eggs and the chickens provided an appropriate breakfast; boiled for 30% and poached for TP and I. After breakfast it was back to the grind.

Having finished the stripping in the bedroom, Sunday marked the start of sanding. It is a grim job. Even with power sanders it is a grim job. I have a random orbit, a half sheet, a belt and a detail sander and every one of them will get used in the preparation work in the bedroom. I have two door frames, two doors and a cupboard to sand. Of these, only one door frame will be painted. Every thing else needs to be sanded clean of paint and smooth enough for an oil and wax finish. It will look fantastic when it is finished but is is a grim, dusty ordeal. Having stripped the wood it is a dusty progression through 80 then 120 and finally 240 grade abrasives to reach a silky smooth finish.

There will be more sanding to come as we still need to do the skirting boards and the wardrobe will need a "tickle" once Chippy Ian has affixed the doors.

I emerged from the bedroom around 5 in the evening and was literally coated from head to toe with orange saw dust. The first beer didn't last long!

30% served a splendid Easter Roast and I set this down slumped on the sofa eyeing a Madagascar vanilla and white chocolate egg on the shelf to my right.

Be prepared for a tedious few days .........

..... as 30% and I will be focused on the preparation work in the bedroom in advance of the Decorators visit in about three weeks time. The Journal is therefore likely to get more repetitive than usual

This morning we went in to Stratford to pick up a few essentials from the DIY store and coffee beans from Whittards. It was then home for a light lunch and back in to Bedroom#1until the weather cooled down enough for the dogs to be walked.

Today's job has been the stripping of the door frame and the repair of the architrave as we have replaced the door and changed from a rim lock to a Suffolk Latch. This means that I have a 4" chunk of an antique architrave to replace now the rim lock has been discarded. Fortunately I have a few pieces in the garage and with a few pins and some wood filler all will be well. As my Dad says "It's a good job Painters follow Carpenters".

Away from the decorating mission, I finished the dry curing of the piece of belly pork and pigs cheeks this evening. These have now been washed, soaked, dried and wrapped in muslin and will now be hung in the garage for a week or so before slicing or cubing or smoking or whatever else I decide to do with them.

The Belly is most likely to be left as green bacon and simply sliced to become rashers of streaky. The cured cheek is an experiment and, at the moment, I am planning on cubing it and using it like lardons of pancetta would be used in cooking. Apparently Guanciali (cured pigs' cheeks) is one of the ingredients in a pukka Spaghetti Carbonara so I may be trying one of those at the back end of the week.

Zen and the art of the Conference Call

Down in the Hundred Acre Wood Golfy (aka Tigger) and I have been tidying up before we try to spend a good few days climbing the oaks and sitting in the sun enjoying the almost merged Easter and May Bank Holiday break.

We held a few conference calls and it became apparent how similar they are to the game of Pooh Sticks. Let me explain; firstly to play Pooh Sticks you need a bridge. Bridges are useful things and it became apparent on one of our calls that my job is to build metaphorical bridges. Even though I am apparently working with adults who are capable of looking after themselves they seem to be totally unable to contact people whose names they know without me formally introducing them and making the initial contact for them. For God's sake this is a truly archaic situation where I am required to chaperone or match-make these initial meetings. So there you have it building the bridges so we can play Pooh Sticks.

Now once we get the conference call up and running you learn that a stick has two ends; a nice end and a not so nice end - hence the name of the game; Pooh Sticks. On a conference call you need to understand the rules so that you always end up with the pleasant end of the stick. A few key tips are as follows:-

• always draft the actions/minutes. It might seem like a slog but you get to put your particular slant on the narrative and get to allocate the actions
• always ask for feedback on the accuracy of you minutes/actions. No-one ever responds so your view of the world must therefore be unquestionably accurate. After all, no-one asked for changes
• always try to host the call and summarise the actions and be sure to allocate the tricky ones to other invitees. I am, after all, a bear with very little brain
• always be at the front of the queue to accept the straightforward actions. You may have ten of them but if you can clear them before elevenses it leaves the rest of the day free for Hunny Sandwiches or planning an Easter Woozle Hunt.

Follow these key tips and you will always end up with the pleasant end of the stick and everyone else will soon learn why the game is called Pooh Sticks.

What do you mean, you thought it was about the first one to get their stick under the bridge? For Christ's sake if you are hunting Nelifunt you need to be playing advanced Pooh Sticks.

Sharpening our pointed sticks

For a good few days now Golfy and I have been sat high in an oak in the Hundred Acre Wood swinging our legs and telling tales of sword fights and fantastic beasts. We have sat in the sun and looked out over the fields and watching the Villagers running after pheasants and rabbits.

This small game is not for us. Its Hunny or nuthing for Golfy and me. Actually we are after a Nelifunt but we need Christopher Robin to start the hunt so here we sit in the dappled sun light imagining the hunt and laughing at the Villagers chasing small game along the hedgerows.

Today Judge Dread sat astride his Lawmaster with his holstered Lawgivers at his hips and rode from Mega City One to the Hundred Acre Wood. We were expecting the worst and many of the woodland creatures had secreted themselves in burrows and warrens in fear of his roar ..........

.............. "I am the Law!"

Golfy and I steeled ourselves and climbed down from the oak and wandered towards the glade where the fallen beech makes a great seat for planning the Nelifunt hunt. Eventually Dread turned up and we were expecting the worst. We were somewhat surprised to find that he had been spending his evenings preparing a leaflet on community policing and had some very good suggestions for us preventing antisocial behaviour and limiting the chances of shed theft.

Experience thus far has been that Judge Dread has taken his role as Judge, Jury and Executioner very seriously but he now appears to be confusing his roles and the cryo-rehabilitation in Demolition Man appears to have taken effect and he now appears to be more interested in us having a successful Nelifunt Hunt than telling us that we are a shower of shit with no chance of hitting a barn door at twenty paces.

I am guessing that this is probably a little on the cryptic side for most readers but if you are hunting a Bull Nelifunt and there are other hunters out there you lie low in the long grass and do your best to make sure that you are down wind and have a clear sight on the target. All we need now is for Christopher Robin to declare "open season"

Tuesday has been just one social whirl.

In between work tasks I had lunch with my Dad and also went over to a timber yard with Chippy Ian to pick up the oak for the fitted wardrobe that he is constructing in the bedroom. £300 lighter we returned and I continued with work.

Chippy Ian is a fellow Biker and he asked if I wanted to link up with him and one of his friends for a run out this evening. The tax disk had arrived for the Ducati in the past couple of days and I had been looking for an opportunity to break her out from under her dust sheet so watches were synchronised and a rendezvous point was selected.

This resulted in a mad dash out of the door as soon as CI had finished for the day so that T&M could get their, and my, daily constitutional. I arrived home at a little before six and had about 30 minutes to rehydrate, get the Ducati started, checked over and warmed up and throw myself in to my boots and leathers before setting out towards Ian's house.

It was a beautiful evening and we set off out through Evesham and Pershore before heading out through Bredon and Ashchurch and then climbing up in to the Costwolds via Winchcombe. Sudeley Castle was a fine site settled in the landscape under the  evening sun.

A quick stop at a pub for a coffee and then a run home via Stow on the Wold, down The Fish  and back in to The Vale.

It was great to be back on the Ducati but, to be honest, the roads were probablymore appropriate to the Honda as the Ducati is a little "focussed" and  far better suited to fast open roads and flowing turns rather than Cotswold Lanes. Still a great evening and I look forward to the next one.

Nearly There

Monday and it is back to work after a very productive weekend.

At present we are waiting for out client to make a decision and are in a "holding pattern". I am doing what I can but, to  be honest, I am having problems getting motivated as all of this could be for nothing if the decision goes against us.

So Golfy & I* are sat on a branch at the edge of the Hundred Acre Wood swinging our feet and shooting the breeze after inviting Piglet & Roo** to a party that might not happen.

It is very frustrating to be under utilised as there is a mountain of work to do at home. To sit here on tick over when I can see so many DIY jobs that need doing does make me feel somewhat constrained. However, Chippy Ian is here and making great progress on the wardrobe carcass. He has sole rights to the bedroom from 8 until 4 so any DIY on my "to do" list can only be progressed in the evening.

Mind you, no DIY this evening as T&M return to puppy training after a long lay off due to various reasons including "seasons" and a Peter Kay gig.

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* I'll leave it to you to decide who is Tigger and who is Pooh.
**A couple of European colleagues who's specialist knowledge will be needed if we have to make Hunny sandwiches in a weeks time.

DIY

This morning was the final Sunday Rugby session of the season. It was a training session so there was no rush and we turned up at tennish.

TP went off to lark around with his team mates and 30% and I  took T&M for a quick romp around the fields behind the pitches.

On our return it was a quick lunch and then back in to the bedroom ..... easy tiger ..... back in to the bedroom to finish off the electrics. The final spur was connected up and I applied myself to the task of stripping. I finished the larger of the two cupboard doors and removed it from its hinges and took it outside for sanding. The random orbit sander has made a fantastic job of removing the final traces of primer and it will look beautiful once it has been oiled and finished. Unfortunately the Velcro on the sanding plate of my detail sander gave up the ghost so I cannot finish the door. I need to find a replacement pretty quickly as there is a massive amount of sanding to be done. I see a return trip to Screwfix on the horizon.

Whilst stripping ........ easy tiger ...... Chippy Ian phoned and advised that a job he had planned for Monday had been delayed. Every cloud has a sliver lining as this means that he will be turning up tomorrow morning to make a start on the fitted wardrobes in the bedroom.

I have now managed to get myself outside of a Leffe Blonde and a glass of something pink .... don't ask .... it was in the fridge and had an ABV percentage - nuff said.

Elastic Trickery

Andy & Steve are booked in to decorate the Bedroom starting on the 17th of May and that date is galloping towards us.

I have a huge amount of preparation to complete before they turn up as they are expecting to perform a quick whizz over the wood with sandpaper and then break out the emulsion and satin wood. My Job List is as follows:-

• Sand both doors, apply Danish Oil and then finish with a coat of wax
• Strip and sand the door frame
• Strip, sand, oil and wax the two window sills
• Strip both cupboards, sand, oil and wax
• Replace the two surface mounted sockets with recessed boxes and new double sockets
• Install a junction box in the ring main and run off two spurs terminating in double sockets; one to be recessed below the TV bracket and the other in a flush mounted box that will ultimately be  built in to the end wall of the wardrobe
• Install a pendant light fitting
• Replace the Pull switch over the bed
• Floorboard refurbishment
• Fit skirting boards in to the en-suite doorway recess

As can be seen, there is a fair bit to do and this is without the built in wardrobes that Chippy Ian has been booked in to build and the fiddly little jobs like filling cracks and holes.

I have made a start on the list and am pleased to say that the two cupboards are already stripped but today I took a break from the heat gun and the shave hook and applied myself to the elastic trickery.

I took myself down to the local DIY store and returned with new sockets, socket boxes, 2.5 mm, twin core and earth cable and light fittings and have been as happy as the proverbial pig pottering around replacing the ugly and obtrusive surface mounted boxes with neat flush mounted sockets. I have installed a junction box in the ring and installed one of the two spurs. I have sorted out the cable run for the second spur and plan to install the socket box and connect that all up tomorrow. A light pendant has also been fitted.

I've still got a lot of sanding and waxing to do but have broken the back of the electrical work. 

 

Guanciale

Guanci what? ....

..... Let me explain. I got a call from Cathy H-R yesterday and she advised that the half pig that we had ordered would be available for collection this evening. At half past five I picked up the cheque book and drove over to pick up the carcass. Cathy had slaughtered a couple of pigs and most of her customers are only really interested in the prime cuts. As a result, for my £70, I left with the half of the largest pig plus both heads and all of the trotters.

Now, what do I do with two pigs heads? I have previously made brawn, but on this occasion I had something more unusual planned; Guanciale. Guanciale is an Italian dish and is basically cured pig's cheeks. I mixed up a batch of dry cure and prepared the cheeks by removing the jaw bones. I also had a piece of belly pork spare so that got de-boned and cured to provide either pancetta or a few rashers of streaky.

Once the meat has been prepped it was well rubbed with the dry cure and stacked in a plastic box in the fridge. It will be rubbed with cure every day for the next week before being washed and air dried. It will be a month in the case of the Guanciale but the pancetta will only be hung for a week or so before being smoked and eaten.

The Guanciale is likely to be cut in to lardons so realistically the belly pork is most likely not to attain it's Italian pancetta aspirations and remain as a definitely very English streaky bacon.

As for the rest of the head, TP has taken the ears, rubbed them with olive oil and has baked them in a low oven as a treat for T&M and 30% is roasting the rest of the heads and I'm guessing that T&M are in line for those cuts too.

Getting There

Another trip to my nearest circle of hell as the Electricity Company had decided to turn off the power for the day so they could clear overhanging trees from the supply lines. This meant that important appliances like the kettle were out of action so the Office seemed a reasonable solution.

I trundled in and perfected the art of multitasking ....

... turn on laptop, initiate training lecture number 5 of 11, mute volume and dial in to manager's weekly call. At the end of the call I had been updated on what my colleagues thought of these lectures and managed to knock off lectures 6 and 7 during an extended coffee break.

That is pretty much how the day progressed. I knocked out minutes and stroppy emails whilst lectures 8 through 11 ran in the background. By three o'clock I was done and the power supply was likely to be restored so bade farewell to my colleagues and came home.

The late afternoon saw me take T&M out for a walk and Chippy Ian and his Wife Deb called in to measure up for the windows that are to be replaced over the Summer. We will finally say goodbye to the plastic, sealed unit monstrosities that were installed about 6 months before we bought The Pile and install casement and sash units that have the benefit of double glazing but are appropriate to the house.

We also have Ian booked in to build the fitted wardrobes in our bedroom before Andy & Steve arrive in late May paint brushes in hand.

All in all I have had a pretty successful day. My domestic ducks are not wonky and I now know where to go and look if need some information on the various technical elements of my job.

Rubbing your tummy & patting your head ......

Being a member of an International workforce means that getting us all to use the same tools in the same way is a necessity but also a challenge.

Apparently classroom based training is now too fucking expensive old fashioned and modern alternatives allow the work force to be educated at a time that suits them and with minimal disruption to the day to day business of the Organisation.

Right, enough of the bull shit, are you familiar with the concept of a negative confirmation ? This is where you send someone a letter or email and say "if you don't respond I will assume that, from the 30th April, I will own your immortal soul and all your worldly goods become mine". Basically if you employ the scatter gun approach you will have plenty of souls and quite a lot of capital by the end of the month.

Where I am I going with this? Computer based training, that is where I am going with this.

This is the educational equivalent of the "negative confirmation". You send all your victims a web link and a "complete by date". Then you wait until the "complete by date" and resend the link and a new CBD. You repeat a couple more times and then send a threatening email and a "drop dead date" and then you are able to report back that all of your victims employees have been trained and are fully skilled in the new process for rolling rocks up a hill.

This, of course, is absolute bollocks. I am afraid that it is difficult to give a precise translation for "bollocks" to any US readers so I will suggest that you go with "nonsense" but you probably need to be aware that bollocks has many uses  from noun to verb to adjective and depending on the context it can appear to be totally contradictory. It's a British thing, dont get up tight just be aware that in this instance I mean nonsense.

Education is where a the students are assessed for their current level of understanding in a particular subject. They may know nothing, a little or a lot. From this assessment a clear set of educational aims or goals are developed based on increasing the level of knowledge in the aforementioned subject. Using this defined knowledge gap a syllabus is constructed that allows the student to gain knowledge and understanding. The syllabus is then developed in to lectures and practicals and so forth and presented in a way that allows the Tutor to check the progress of the student and ensure that knowledge is being gained.

Sending me a link to a PowerPoint Presentation is not education it is akin to chucking a book over the fence and hoping that someone picks it up and reads it. This approach is appalling. Let me explain ....

..... I find a slot in my day to "be educated". I click on the link and a window opens up. I am told the duration of the presentation and the number of slides. I click on the start button and off we go ....

.... yep, "off we go to sleep" or "off we go to do something else" or "off we go to cut off our own heads". There is no interaction it is just a charmless presenter in transmit mode. There is no opportunity to stop them or ask a question and it is so easy to loose track as you ponder on a point made a little to long and then loose track of the narrative. That is if you are lucky enough to have a narrative that corresponds to the material on the slides. It might sound odd but the best least worst of these presentations is where the Presenter just reads the slides. There are some where the Presenter's narrative has little relevance to the slide being shown and you are then trying to listen to a narrative whilst reading a slide that bears no relation to the words you are hearing.

It is like watching TV whilst listening to talk radio or patting your head while trying to rub your stomach. It can be done but it is not conducive to taking on new facts.


Also these presentations are given by Manager rather than professional educators. None of this material has been properly developed or assessed for it's value and combined with a one-way delivery method means that little or nothing gets taken on board.

Add in to this the fact that despite setting the status message on my instant messenger to say I am being educated twats people still ping me to ask me inane questions and then ping again when I don't respond in the next six seconds.

You may have guessed that I am not having fun and I have several more hours of this to get through. The frustraing thing is that the material is important and useful but it is just so badly put together and delivered via a totally unsuitable medium.

Its a raid!

No journal entry yesterday as it was work, followed by a quick walk for T&M, a rushed dinner and then in to the car and over to the NIA in Birmingham for the last night of the Peter Kay "Tour that doesn't tour tour".

I feel that the NIA must be quite daunting for a stand-up comedian. It must be a challenge to form a connection with an audience in a venue of that size and get them to go with you on that journey that is a successful stand up set. A few years back I saw Eddie Izzard in the same venue and it just didn't seem to work. I am a huge fan of Eddie but he just seemed too remote and the laughs just didn't flow.

Now Peter Kay seems to have an ability to bond with the audience from the start. Within seconds he had the audience laughing with some atrocious old gags and then smoothly transitioned to his material that had "in joke" references to previous tours and was based on his unique observational approach. It was a great night and the audience loved him. If I am honest I would say that it was not his best material but it was acutely observed, beautifully paced and perfectly timed and it was still consistently "laugh out loud" funny.

Today involved a trip to my nearest circle of hell to link up with Golfy and spend a happy few hours reviewing and revising a vast amount of risks, assumptions, issues and dependencies associated with the current project. With over 250 lines of information to cover we felt that it was best to do this face to face rather than attempt it via a phone call.

The Defender had an air of a mobile shop this morning as there was a dozen eggs for the Gloucester Boy and a sample of Black Pudding Sausages to see if he can be persuaded to appreciate the charms of the blood sausage.

Visiting the local "ish" circle of hell turned a real chore in to a reasonably tolerable task as The Boer and Grand Dad Jack were both on site and lunch and coffee breaks degenerated in to raucous laughter as we told tall and bawdy tales and generally took the mickey out of each other. This was a welcome relief from the spreadsheet review and we ended the day having done a great piece of work and also having managed to have a few laughs too.

Mad Sunday

Today's Journal Entry title comes from the one day during the Isle of Man TT races when any individual can ride Mountain Section of the course.....

..... The Pile is located alongside a popular route with motorcyclists. I see them and hear them and, when time allows, I join them on one or other of my bikes.

So today was quite frustrating because the weather was glorious but I had a mountain of cooking that I needed to get done before I got anywhere near a motorcycle. I stood in the kitchen preparing veg for a batch of Pea 'n Ham soup and watched as they flowed down the road, engines muted as they throttle off to observe the 30 mph limit. Come on Chaps, give me a break you're not making this any easier!

The morning progressed, the bikes continued to pass the house and I got the pot of soup on the hob and then started cubing and mincing pork and black pudding to make a batch of Black Pudding sausages. By early afternoon we had eight litres of soup and eleven pounds of sausages packed in to the freezer. I have just noticed that I have managed to mix both imperial and metric measures in a single sentence and have probably committed a Euro crime as a result. My defence is that a litre of soup is three servings as is a pound of sausages. I would have written 454g but I felt it didn't flow.

At 2.30 I grabbed the garage keys and unplugged the Honda from the life support system* and wheeled her in to the sun. Ignition on- check, choke on - check, engine in neutral - check, clutch in and press the starter button. I don't want her start first time as I want her to pump oil over the engine internals and get the oil pressure up before she fires up....

.... a few more tries on the starter button and fuel flows down from the tank in to the carbs and she splutters, then burbles in to life. I reduce the amount of choke and wander off to get chain lube and a foot pump as she starts to warm up. I check her over as she idles in the sun; lights, tyre pressures and oil level and......

..... then have to put her away as 30%'s family have turned up for a cuppa and a walk. I was going to write CURSE THEM but it was fine. They are good company and it was nice to catch up. After tea and a quick review of progress on The Pile we took a wander round a very sunny Three Miler with T&M.

Note to self: Get the Ducati taxed

It is now early evening and I finally get out for my first ride of the year. Accompanied by TP, we take a quick circuit that includes several sets of "twisties" and a fast section of dual carriage way too. It was great. There was very little traffic and what was there was soon overtaken. So I finally got out after a weekend of waiting and look forward to many more sunny days in 2011.

------------------------------------

* Optimate battery charging system

Parenting

Today is Presidents Day. Before you rush off to examine your calendar to see what corner of the world is celebrating let me explain .....

...... A few weeks back TP's rugby team played and won against a team from Sutton Coldfield. Today is that team's Presidents Day and we were invited back to play them at home. This meant that I had a shit load of things to do before we all met up in the club car park at eleven o'clock.

By eight thirty I was breakfasted and caffeine charged and was climbing in to the Defender for a trip over to the feed stores to pick up 3 cwt of layers pellets. I was traumatised by the fact that the price has gone up a tenner in the past 12 months and am glad that I can simply reduce my flock to cut the feed bills. God knows how farmers can manage with the aggressive pricing policies that the supermarkets apply.

The price of wheat has gone up from £110 per tonne in June last year to nearly £200 per tonne now. That is a doubling of the feed price, add in the increases in fuel costs and general inflation and you have to ask how the supermarkets can keep food prices as low as they can and offer aggressive price cuts on meat products. One really has to ask what corners are being cut and who is being screwed in this economic model.

Sorry I digressed, but I have concerns about animal welfare and production standards when the  Supermarkets can sell two chickens for £5 or £6 and can halve pork prices on a regular basis.

Once home I managed a further coffee and then took T&M out for an early walk. The Opponent Club's dog policy is an unknown and so the terrible two will have to stay at home rather than risk being shut in the car for a couple of hours. They are pretty good at home on their own but it only seems fair to give them a good run before leaving them cooped up inside while we go out.

The match was a bit of a disaster. The opponents seemed to have significantly increased the size of their squad in the past 6 weeks and more realistic/cynical observers commented that the second row and flankers seemed a little more mature that the rest of the team. TP's team were massacred. Lets leave it at that.

Having run round like a mad thing to complete domestic duties so that I could donate 5 hours of my time to junior rugby I was a little annoyed that TP could do little more than grunt in response to anything I said today. Actually, scratch "little annoyed" and replace it with bloody furious. All he had done was get up, feed and dress himself while I had ensured that all those annoying little jobs had been completed so that I could chauffeur him North of Birmingham to get his arse kicked.

Needless to say we had "words" upon our return and a somewhat chastised TP was to be found wrestling the beast around the lawn for the first cut of the year. Regular readers of The Journal will know that the lawn mower and I are not the best of friends  - "Die You Red Rusty Bastard" - and making TP mow the lawn from now until eternity seems to be an admirable solution to this dysfunctional relationship.

A session with the Mountfield followed by half an hour with the yard broom and general garden maintenance under 30%'s tutelage seems to have improved TP's demeanour and by Dinner Time his company was tolerable to pleasant .........

............ Teenagers!

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Other Stuff:

I bumped in to Cathy H-R at the Village Shop on the way back from my walk and she advised that her two pigs will be going for slaughter next week. I have a half pig on order and she has offered me both heads which I gratefully accepted as I have found a recipe for cured pigs cheeks which looks like it could be very interesting.

I also managed to make a start on the preparation work in the bedroom this afternoon and a beautiful pine cupboard has slowly emerged from beneath 150 years of paint and grime.

I aint dead yet ......

Back on the 6th October 2010 I started a charcuterie experiment. We had just bought a half pig and I decided to attempt an air dried ham.

The leg was boned and and packed in a box of salt with weights applied to compress the joint. Ten days later it was removed from the box of salt, washed in white wine vinegar, wrapped in muslin and hung up in the garage.

Now six months have passed, so I steeled myself and  took down the ham. The muslin wrapping had a few patches of grey, green mould but my research indicated that this was to be expected. Apparently black mould is a bad sign but green and white are acceptable and one should rely on their nose. If it smells bad, throw it away. If is smells OK it probably is.

I unwrapped the ham and the surface was covered in a grey, green mould. It didn't look appetising but it smelt just like a commercial air dried ham.

Following the advice I had gleaned from the internet, I washed the ham with white wine vinegar and patted it dry. It certainly looked a lot less scary after that.

I summoned my last reserves of courage, picked up a sharp knife and cut away the outer surface. The smell was amazing. I cut a few thin slivers and sampled it .....

...... it tastes great. The texture near the surface of the ham is quite similar to beef jerky as it is dry and somewhat coarse but as the surface is pared away it becomes more like a prosciutto. The flavour is beautiful, not too salty and definitely comparable with a commercial ham.

All I need to do now is be still breathing tomorrow and I will be able to declare this cure a success.

Mother and Children doing well ....

After the surprise whelping of my Dad's hat on Tuesday, I thought I would take this opportunity to show you the latest picture of the litter.

I think Golfy has taken a shine to the one in the middle

 As can be seen, they are all doing really well and it wont be long before we need to find homes for them.

Still no news ....

On the work front there is still no news on the latest project. I managed to grab the attention of one of the Global Leads and was advised that our Senior Team are in with the client this afternoon and are expected to be given "a number". In other words our price is too high and they are going to be given a pricing target.

This snippet of information didn't really tell us much and there are so many permutations of "whats" and "ifs" that Golfy and I decided that we were not going to get anywhere with analysis and decided to talk rubbish instead for most of the day. The other interesting fact here is that I am having to drag updates from the Global Lead and forward them on to my colleagues in Europe, Japan and Asia ......

...... Apparently communication is not his strong point.

While we are waiting for the client decision we do what we can to improve the shape of the project* but this is challenging without additional information and my team really need to apply themselves on other activities that have more pressing time scales.

Other stuff

The day was beautiful and the lull in the workload meant that I had the opportunity to take a leisurely stroll round the Three Miler with T&M rather than some of the more rushed or missed walks recently.

This evening 30%'s friend; Jules will be joining us for dinner and it will be great to catch up with her and her news.

Not a lot else to report really and after the madness of the past few weeks I am enjoying coasting in neutral for a day or so.

 --------------------------------

* "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" - Dory in Finding Nemo. Golfy's suggested quote was from the out takes; "Nemo, where the fuck have you been?"

I wonder where I get it from?

This is an actual telephone conversation between me any my Dad ......

Bad Man jnr.      Hi Dad, you left your hat here when you called round to drop off 30%'s birthday present

Bad Man snr      Never Mind, I’ll pick it up when I pop round next week.

Bad Man jnr.      OK, so long as you don’t need it …..

Bad Man snr.     No, I’ve got plenty of hats. If it has a litter you can keep one of them ….

Bad Man jnr.      Fantastic, it will be like a speedy little tortoise

Obviously it’s not just me who thinks this way.

A good sized litter for a young Trilby bitch.

Dangling ...

Today has been spent responding to repeated requests for news about our Client's decision. Over the weekend I had occasionally checked my e-mail hoping for an announcement. None came and so this morning I was repeatedly saying "no news, as soon as I hear anything I'll let you know".

The US finally came on-line after lunch and I contacted the American Lead to be advised that the decision may be pushed back a few weeks and more will be known tomorrow. A FEW WEEKS! .....

.....So, what do we do now? We take deep breaths, wait a little longer, revise our resource plans once time scales are known and do what we can to progress those matters that can be progressed. Needless to say it is not going to be a late night tonight and the dogs have already been walked.

-------------------------

Other stuff

The shell shock brought on by our Mothers Day visit to the Biscester Village retail outlet seems to be diminishing but I'm not sure that I will ever truly recover from the mental scarring that 4 hours surrounded by superficial, shopaholic, fuckwits has given me. I saw it all there! I can confirm that the Fashion Police definitely needed a Black Maria or two and I hope the coalition government see fit to ensure that this particular area of front line policing is not impacted by budget cuts.

Low point of the day* was the posturing guy with the blond highlights outside Superdry. He thought he looked the dogs bollocks but all I saw was him in the hairdressers chair wearing the rubber hat with his hair pulled through the holes  having the bleach applied. Also worthy of mention was the lady in shorts with tanned legs. It might have been a good look for her 15 years ago but the extra 28 lbs and the extremely noticeable cellulite were not working for her.

Now you might think I'm being an absolute bitch. Perhaps I am, but if you're going to try to make a statement be prepared to have someone critique it. Also "does my bum look big in this?" was a valid question that should have been asked and answered honestly in a number of cases yesterday.

* actually this wasn't the low point of the day, that was the shop assistant so thick that he couldn't cope with the question "do you have these in a 28 inch waist?". I hasten to add they were for TP not me.

Rhubarb, Rhubarb

Yesterday we took a trip in to Stratford to pick up a few odds and ends and took a wander around the Farmers Market. There were a couple of stalls selling Rhubarb which has just come in to season. Now normally I wait for VI to arrive on the doorstep with stems that he has acquired in his wanderings. Thus far this year none has turned up so I dug deep in to my pockets and purchased a kilo.

Now before you drift off, I need to point out that these lovely tart pink stems are going nowhere near a crumble and are not going to be simmered to form a compote. Here are my ingredients ....

The  observant will notice a complete lack of flour or fat. All I have here are a litre of very cheap vodka, appropriately 600g of Rhubarb, about 300g of sugar and a splash of vanilla extract. The Rhubarb gets chopped up in to small dice and is added to the preserving jar along with the sugar, the vodka and a few drops of vanilla essence. Clamp the lid shut, give it a good shake and put in a dark cupboard.

 Shake it every day for the next week, then shake weekly for the next six or seven weeks*. Finally filter and bottle.

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* Keep an eye on it. If you leave the rhubarb in for too long the colour of the liqueur can fade from pink to grey. Those in the know say 6 to 8 weeks at most.

No Washing Up

This evening we all applied spit and polish and drove out for dinner.

We approach Mothering Sunday and 30%'s birthday in the next few days so I had made a reservation for the Belle House in Pershore. None of us had eaten there before but an acquaintance who had been of great assistance in the project to get the Vespa back on the road last year said it was worth a visit.

He was spot on the mark. The restaurant is a converted Georgian House on the High Street, which is confusingly called Bridge Street*, and has an associated Deli next door - they confusingly call that a Traiture. Our table was on the first floor in an oak panelled, high ceilinged room. The service was great and the food was fantastic. Apparently they run demonstration sessions which might be an interesting diversion.

I won't bore with the details of who had what but the assiette of deserts was splendid as was the Guinea Fowl with the side order of local asparagus.

-----------------------

* Pershore is a quite attractive little Georgian Town that has seemed to miss out on any great development. It therefore has an air of a reasonably well kept back water. It has always been the butt of local humour and even now older Pershore residents will bridle if they hear someone from Evesham mention the practice of "putting the pig on the wall to see the band go by". This implied insult is based on their simple and naive nature and desire to show their livestock something exciting.

Food Hygiene ....

Today 30% learnt that if cooked chicken is left in the fridge uncovered it evaporates* at an amazing rate....

...... Apparently even cling film (Saran wrap for  any US readers) won't stop cooked poultry from simply dissipating in to the atmosphere. It needs to be covered with aluminium foil or other non-transparent material for it to remain in the fridge without significant reduction in it's volume or net weight.

---------------------------

* There are a number of foods that will evaporate. Most scientists will tell you that only  liquids evaporate and will do this very slowly in cool environments. What do they know? Have they seen the strange way that a Pork Pie appears to segment and diminish if left unattended?

Decisions Decisions ...

Today is the day that our prospective client makes the decision about which Supplier they would like to try to form a contract with.

So basically it is a case of "shit or bust". Either way someone is in for a rough ride. If we fall at this final hurdle I wouldn't want to be one of the Lead Sales Execs. If we clear it and take the lead Golfy and I am in for a god-awful 6 weeks starting on Monday.

In anticipation of success I have been making as many preparations as possible but today my efforts had a certain air of potential futility and I felt that, although success is likely, I should just sit and wait until Monday. I didn't, but I felt that way.

Picture Post. No. 6

Two days of meetings attempting to improve the knowledge and interlock between an American and European Team....

..... Obviously time for a picture post then

 

 This youngster was found minding his own business in a field in NW Scotland during our 2009 holiday. I'm not sure it is possible to take a bad picture of Highland Cattle......


...... "So, What are you breeding them for? Milk production, carcass conformation, productivity?"

"No, I just like 'em pretty".....

...... Now there is a scary thought!

So, how was it?

I picked up the Defender before work and am pretty pleased with the difference. To be honest the roads between the workshop and home are hardly ideal to test it out but it is far more responsive to the throttle.

It is a diesel four wheel drive truck with gearing and differentials to suit so is never going to be a rip snorting beast that drifts through the corners and leaves smoking trails of rubber as it pulls away from the lights. That sort of performance would require some form of NOS injected big block V8 which is hardly practical but would be highly entertaining.

First gear is a crawler so is very little affected but I found that as I change up the box there is far more power there. The engine spins up much faster, the throttle response is much improved and top gear acceleration is now a reality rather than a dream.

Hopefully I will get away from the desk to use it at some point this week......

.... work has been less than exciting. It is a hard slog. To continue with the motoring analogy, to date it has been like pushing a car uphill. It now seems to be like pushing a car uphill on its roof.

Weather Report

And the roiling clouds split asunder and a shaft of light lit up the scorched earth and there roaring mightily stood the Defender .....

...... "Bad Man, it's Mark from MP Trading. Your Defender's been Power upgraded. Its like a missile. You can come and get it. Phone me."

Sometimes, just sometimes, I get a message worth listening too.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 7 in an occasional series

Marauder narrowly escaped a charge of Actual Bodily Harm after today's walk ......

..... our route took us past a free range egg farm and we dutifully put both T&M on leads as we walked the section of foot path that passes the barns and poultry enclosures. Once clear T&M were liberated and they charged off only to find a hen that had decided that working for a living was not for her and had plans to see  more of Warwickshire.....

.....  I don't think her plans to experience more of the world included being pinned down between Marauder's paws and plucked.*

--------------------------

* To any particularly concerned about Hen Welfare I can report that the hen escaped with only feather loss. I am also guessing that working for a living is probably a lot more appealing after this morning's experience.

It was a normal start to Sunday with an alarm call as TP has a rugby match. Fortunately 30% and I have recovered from the worst of the "bug" and we piled in to the Defender and arrived at the club at 9.45 for pre-match training.

30% and I took T&M for a nice long walk whilst TP and his team mates prepared ....

.... obviously they needed more time, much more time, as they got their arses severely kicked this morning by a squad featuring a number of Warwickshire County players.

This afternoon saw us trundle up the road to attend VI's first birthday party. Now regular readers will know that VI is definitely not one year old. He is actually 60, but has never had a birthday party until today. It was a really nice afternoon "do", all very relaxed and informal with a cold buffet and a surprisingly good home brewed cider supplied by one of the Guests. Mad Bat and Dickie were there too and it was lovely to catch up with their news. We also managed to put an order in for half a pig and selected a few cuts of beef from a forthcoming slaughter. It was sort of a rural version of home shopping.

30% and I had decided on a nice new pair of size 12 wellingtons for VI and these were gratefully received as his current pair are well and truly knackered. Apparently the new pair will be be undergoing sea trials in May when VI and his long suffering spouse take a trip to Borth.

We arrived home well before 7 as we are both still not fully recovered from the bug and I propose to do nothing more energetic than press buttons on a remote control this evening.

The Dreaded Lurgy

Yesterday afternoon I started to feel unwell, nauseous to be honest.

I seem to have come down with the "bug" that is going round at present. This one is quite nasty. I'm usually pretty resilient to such things but I ended up in bed and haven't eaten anything for the best part of 24 hours. *

TP was unwell on Sunday and it seems that it is now 30% and my turn to share in it ....

..... yes 30% arrived home from work with a similar symptoms.

------------------------

* as for the rest of the symptoms, you really DON'T want to know

If I could turn back time .....

I have just dialled in to a Conference Call where it transpired that "Statutory Consultation Periods" and "Expressions of Interest" were the main subjects of discussion.

As I waited for the call to commence, there was a knock on the door. T&M went mental and I opened the door with the phone held to the side of my head......

..... it was a Romany Lady selling Lucky Heather.

Perhaps I should have made a purchase?

Bad Night's Sleep

I woke on Friday morning having had the worst night's sleep. Let me explain....

...... Spring is here and the mouse population is booming. Potato and Eddy have free rein so come and go as they please. Last night Eddy hopped up stairs and decided to play with his latest "friend" in the bedroom that has just been plastered.

Yep, that's the one, the empty bedroom with bare floor boards that is nice and echoey. T&M being inquisitive dogs decided to go and investigate and soon we had a cat, a mouse and two dogs clattering round the bedroom. It is now three o'clock in the morning and I am wide awake.


Eddy then decides to take his prey downstairs and things quieten - briefly. I try to settle but am disturbed by a peculiar scraping sound. I wander down stairs. The mouse has obviously climbed inside one of my boots and Eddy is trying to encourage him out.

Using my opposable thumbs and monkey brain, I open the back door and shake the little bugger out. I then retire to bed with Eddy giving me a "look".

I then toss and turn for another couple of hours before falling properly asleep just before the alarm.

Judge Dread ....

Today we have been spending time trying to get our Quality People more comfortable with our Project.

We have been holding a number of calls to further familiarise them with the scope and issues as they seem not to be able to pick up a 'phone or draft an e-mail independantly. Apparently I am their serf.

Today we held a call with Human Resources and during this call Judge Dread shouted out a question about billing and revenue streams during a particular phase of the project....

..... I was somewhat taken aback and asked him to explain the relevance of the question to an HR discussion. He then said "so we are only talking about HR"......

..... "Er, yes" was my reply since that was the specialism of the Key Speaker.

Is it me?

I wonder if he take this approach in other parts of his life. If so, I can see him walking up to the Doctor's Receptionist and asking for a couple of fillets of Sea Bass.

Today ....

... is the day that I celebrate my Birthday. It is not the day that I was born. That date sits a couple of days before Christmas and is not a great day to have a Birthday. As a consequence, a few years back I decided to have an official birthday but could never find a day that seemed suitable.

After all, if you have 364 other days to choose from which one do you go for? Obviously you can weed out the crappy ones such as those in the same month as your day of birth and obviously you don't want to clash with any of your  friends or families anniversaries or other religious festivities but that is still going to give you a good 250 dates to choose from.

I settled on the 23rd March. The fact that I was born on the 23rd of a different month is pure coincidence. The reason I chose this date is because back in 2008 I had what some people refer to as  a "life changing experience". I would rather refer to it as a killer after dinner story.

Those who know me really well know a lot more detail than I am prepared to record here but back on 23rd March 2008 after a busy day tiling the kitchen floor I had a major headache. The sort that comes on very rapidly and results in incoherence and vomiting. I later found out that I had suffered a sub-arachnoid brain haemorrhage. To cut a long story short these are a killer. 40% of people who have them don't make it to the hospital and, of those who do, 40% leave the hospital severely disabled.  I survived pretty much unscathed which means that I am one of the lucky 36%. It took the best part of 6 months to get back to work and a full year before I was back to "normal" but here I am with a great after dinner story* and the perfect day to select as my official birthday**.

So there you have it. Am I a changed person as a result of nearly shuffling of this mortal coil? No, not really. I do know I am lucky and I do know that every day should be treasured. I also have very little tolerance for people who think that a work deliverable is the most important thing in the world.

As for today I have been bogged down in arranging a series of meetings to get my project's quality rating improved. To be honest I had totally forgotten that it was my "official b'day" until a card arrived from 30%'s mum and dad.

That leads me to my final point. At the age of 47 I have pretty much got past the excitement of a birthday and perhaps having most of them overshadowed by Christmas is the reason why. I am sure that 30% and I will do something nice in the not too distant future and I am sure that at some point I will think of something that I would like as a gift. But there is no rush as I joke that I am now immortal as none of the gods wanted to take me 3 years ago in 2008.

-------------------------------------------

* I have another one about a "Lads trip to Amsterdam" and a live sex show but I need to be very drunk to tell that one.

** Probably not a good idea to tell me you have a bad headache. Mine lasted 5 weeks and they used to move me on to morphine at night when I had reached prescription limits of codeine and paracetamol. Incidentally the drugs only took the edge off the pain I had to wait for my body to clear the haemorrhaged blood before the pain dissipated. 

Nothing was stirring not even a mouse ....

 ..... I know they weren't stirring. The little vermin sods were sat on the sofa having worked out how to control Sky+. Let me explain ......

..... I now recount the only possible set of circumstances that could have lead to the tale TP recounted when he returned from school today.

Eddy, it is always Eddy, had obviously brought in a rodent victim for some "entertainment". The aforementioned victim was obviously of sterner stuff than Eddy expected and made a run for it and managed to hide out in some corner of The Pile.

The little sod has been deep under cover learning our ways and becoming familiar with every routine and habit. It then discovered Sky + and watched the recording of The Great Escape. I can see the little sod now, kicking back on the sofa, munching on a Dorito that TP had previously dropped down the crack between the cushions. I can see him now; studying the plot and then the Eureka moment as he sees the way out of the prison......

..... he scuttles upstairs and secretes himself in TP's school bag. He knows all too well that he is never going to go hungry in there with the crumbs that accumulate. He lies in wait listening for the slam of doors, the bus stop bullshitting and finally the settling of kids on the bus. This is it, a blast of light as TP opens his bag and Mousey scuttles out and up TPs arm. TP takes Mousey to the Driver who escorts him outside and with a cheery "Danke" he has made his escape.....

I am the Law ....

I have noticed of late, that The Journal is becoming less interesting than usual. I am entrenched in a piece of work that both fascinating and tedious, exhausting and invigorating. It is also very on/off. At the moment it is very "on" so I tend to leave the laptop at the end of the day with little energy for much else.

Today was spent trying to get a particularly intractable member of the team on side. It looks like we are going to have to spoon feed and pamper him to stop his irrational outbursts. On a call today he complained that he couldn't hear because a dog was growling ....

....... I always knew Tyson was a good judge of character.

War Room

On the work front we enter the final phase of the project......

Within the next couple of days we will provide the client with our latest set of numbers and, all being well, we will progress to the final stage.

This means that all the assumptions we have made need to be verified and all of our risks need to be mitigated and this is an area where I, and I think Golfy too, are stood with necks bent back staring up a very steep learning curve. Whilst we have both been involved in this general type of work for many years this is a very different ball game and there are a whole array of new elements that we need to become familiar with and address.

We have not yet been given the thumbs up to progress but there is so much work to do in such a ridiculously small amount of time that we need to throw ourselves in to the next phase before we know we have "made the cut".

Fortunately one of the whip carrying Daemons has decided that we need assistance and so Golfy and I have been sat in a bunker with a very experienced colleague reviewing our status and planning the next phase of our campaign. It was a long and tiring day and there is still much to do but the end of day summarisation seemed to say that we weren't in too bad a shape.

I managed to take a moment out during the day to capture this snap of us during our deliberations.

Lets go and grab a carrot and then assess these risks ...

Where does the time go?

Sunday started way too early as TP had an away game over near Leamington.

We dutifully hauled our backsides out of bed and trundled to a very pleasant club to be advised that they had "pitch issues" and that TP's game would need to be delayed until after the Under 13's match as there was only one playable pitch.

I did a swift mental calculation and proved that however good and cheap their bacon rolls and coffee would be there was no way that it would make up for the 90 minutes of sleep that I had just sacrificed at the altar of Rugby Union.

Fortunately TP's team won 22:17 so my offerings had been accepted and the team were rewarded.

The late start to the match put us behind for the rest of the day and to be honest we achieved little more. T&M had their usual walk and I managed to sort out and submit my expenses. All I need to do now is a final clear of the bedroom in advance of Andy & Steve's arrival, plastering trowels in hand.

Site Clearance

Today has been a "bit of a mad one" too.

30% rose at a quarter to nine and managed to dress, ablute and throw a coffee down her neck before disappearing down the road to the hairdressers for a nine o'clock appointment. I had a slightly more leisurely start to the day but was soon out of the door to take T&M for their walk.

Back home, 30% and I lunched before emptying and dismantling the vile flat-pack wardrobe in the bedroom in preparation for the Plasterers arrival on Monday. The wardrobe was a bit of a monster and we decided that passing the sections out of the window was far simpler than carrying them down the stairs and out of the back door. 20 minutes later we were hitching the trailer to the Defender and loading up the vast pile of chipboard.

A quick trip to the local tip and we were then able to relax and survey the result of our efforts.

30% decided that a quick trip to Stratford was in order whilst I opted to put my bum on the sofa and watch the England:Ireland Rugby International. Ireland were fantastic. England were most definitely not.

Oh, I forgot to mention ....

Eddy* came in through the cat flap last night and dropped a dead, but still warm, mouse on the hearth rug.

Tyson walked over, gave it a sniff and then promptly ate it. The look on 30%'s face was a picture as she covered her ears to avoid listening to the enthusiastic crunching.

By the way, Eddy didn't look too impressed either. If I was Tyson I would think long and hard before messing with Eddy.

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* For any newcomers, Eddy is a three legged cat - hence Eddy Percent (say it out loud)

Standing on a Ridge

I have had a bit of a week.

I'll try not to make this too boring so intend to be brief. back in September last year I started a new role at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. I have been pushing rocks uphill for the past five years and wanted a change so here I am in another circle with some very Senior Demons, more temptations and much bigger rocks!

It seems less like Hell and that, in itself, is worrying. Am I starting to enjoy my job again? Am I finally wearing pips at Starfleet? .....


..... We will see.

For the past few months I have been progressing a project through a number of iterations with a client. Initially I was quite heavily supported by a Senior Colleague but for this current phase I have been mostly flying solo apart from recently when I have been ably assisted by Frolleague Golfy.

To change analogies or mix metaphors it has been, and I hate to use the phrase because I think that most people sound like complete knobs when they say it, "a bit of a Journey".

Here are five words:-

job    can    do    this    I

Looking back from the ridge upon which I current stand they form the phrase "I can do this Job". If I swivel 180 and look forward they reassemble to make the question "Can I do this job?".

So far, so good but I know, because absolutely every Fucker takes pleasure in telling me, that the next and final phase is going to be so much worse that what has been before.

More Channelling

I have have had a peculiar day. I have had an intense review session with my European colleagues which appeared to go reasonably well but then went tits up because the Chair revoked on the summarising action that he declared at the end of the call.

Instead of taking the "split decision" to a Senior Exec he backed down and now appears to be presenting an "un approved" decision. Needless to say this has caused all sorts of ructions and I propose to move slightly in to the shadows and watch for a few hours to see what happens.

I appreciate that this is not peculiar but what is most strange is that for most of the day I appear to have been channelling an Estate Agent's thoughts and voice. Not just any Estate Agent (Realtor for any US Readers) but one who appears to sell Lairs to Criminals. I am not talking Crack Houses to "Homies" here I am talking about pukka hollowed out mountains to International Shadow Figures. I can't get the bloody voices out of my head....

.... This is the scene; I am in some Swanky Office. You know the sort, high quality images of the residences and their fine interiors, prices that make you wince and walk on. In limps my prospective client, a scar down one side of the face, a cat and a henchman. He enters and in a faint European accent advises that he is looking for a new "base for his operations" and wonders what I have on my books. I escort him in to the office and politely suggest that the Henchman might like a coffee from the machine. Typically the Henchman says nothing and stands stock still. I follow Mr Ex in to the Private office and present a number of glossy brochures.....


I have a number of possible properties on my books at the moment. Perhaps you would like to consider this very traditional Volcano Lair with sliding lake allowing helicopter access direct in to the interior. It dates from the 60's and has been beautifully maintained. The Seller is an old friend and we know that he has had the Lake mechanism serviced annually and it is whisper quiet. We appreciate that some do regard this type of base as somewhat dated but I have to say that retro is "in". It is absolutely delightful and a snip at this asking price.....

....... yes, I am sure that the Volcano is inactive but, of course, we would recommend that all of our Purchasers do avail themselves of a full structural, and in this case, Geological Survey before completion......

..... Yes, this other volcano is slightly more spacious and does have a more modern monorail transit system as opposed to the older electric golf carts but I would point out that there is a slum township on the lower slopes. Some say a cunning disguise but we here say "trashy" and most definitely not you.

If the volcano residence is not for you perhaps we can offer something different. I do appreciate that the Volcano is only really suitable for Gentlemen that operate in a single Geographical Region. As an alternative, have you considered and under sea complex. We have a fine one just adjacent to the Marianas Trench. It is an up and coming area and is perfectly placed for the hijacking of high value goods being transported by shipping including the old favourite; radioactive waste.


I have to say that the views from this residence are absolutely fantastic and there are no troublesome neighbours. Have you seen this interior shot showing the circling sharks ......

..... do you know, I think you are right, that IS a severed hand falling from the jaws of that one on the left.......

..... The previous owner - oh he is a lovely chap. Retired now. got out of the game at the right time and has settled in Devon and runs an organic Veg Box Business as a hobby.....

.... Basically made a mint holding most of the Russian Federation to ransom with a threat of contaminating their oil supply and took the money and ran after considerable cosmetic surgery.....

... No, not you, yes I appreciate that it is a little out of the way and Ocado are never going to deliver.....

.... by the way I just noticed that your cat's titbits look just like severed pinkies, how cute ....

... Oh, they are ........ Well I never ....


.... now, where was I, we've looked at Volcanoes and they are a possibility, the under sea complex is a little oppressive and gloomy, have you ever thought about a Jungle Complex? No, not one of the old ones, they are all sat behind Aztec ruins, are full of spiders and have dodgy air condioning....

.... what I am proposing for you is 90 square miles of pristine Jungle. Total seclusion, great weather and beautiful views and, here is the big plus, you get the Complex that really meets your needs. We happen to have an up and coming Architect who can bring your dreams to life. He has had the perfect upbringing to visualise your needs, develop them further and bring them to life in this verdant setting.

His background gives him the perfect mental perspective to make this work, his mother hated him, his father hated him, his friends mocked him and his teachers loathed him. Even his Teddy preferred to be tied to the front of a dust cart than join him in bed. These experiences have made him the perfect guy to build your base for world domination and a joint degree in Architecture, Politics and Nuclear Physics make him the man to turn your dreams to reality .....

.... No, Oh I see, Mrs Ex isn't keen on that amount of gardening. Hmmm, Ok, we are down to the last one in the pile....

.... I have to warn you that it is expensive and some of my less discerning clients have not been able to pick up on the atmosphere. This one is most definitely gritty and urban in a totally remote, non-urban way......

..... It is perfect for the man who wants to rule the world and will give you the best location for that type of operation. It is delightful, very modern, very monochrome, lots of space, easy maintenance and plenty of parking, no intrusive neighbours, no nearby military bases or aggressive, interfering right wing Governments that want to be seen as whiter than white and try to limit your "operations"....

  ..... viewing, err yes ............ I'm sure we could arrange a viewing although that might not be for a couple of weeks........


... the location, well .......

... it is the dark side of the moon.

Wasted

This week has been somewhat intense, especially after last week's US trip followed by the Under 14's Rugby Tour. Basically I feel like I haven't stopped to wind down for the past 12 days and am feeling somewhat frazzled.

This week I have to progress my project through a series of Executive Reviews in order that I can pass my outputs to my US colleagues who can, in turn, crank a handle and present some numbers to our client. I have 5 reviews in 4 days and, so far, I have managed to clear every hurdle. I am not saying that this is an easy ride - it is far from that - but so far we have managed to get conditional approvals to progress to the next stage. This intense schedule has also dictated that I visit the Office for the first three days of the week which is an unusual working pattern for me.

I appreciate that this is far from exciting but it has occupied so much of my time this week that I have had little time for anything else. Today, however, there was a brief lull and Golfy and I met up at the nearest circle of hell and disappeared down the Pub at lunchtime like the dedicated professionals that we are.

I also managed to get home at a reasonable hour and managed to pop over to the Blacksmith to pick up the curtain rails and also take T&M round the Three Miler for the first time since Sunday.

My final review is tomorrow afternoon and hopefully I will then be able to relax and ease my way in to the weekend.

Channelling Your Pets

Today has been spent reviewing the project with the aim of ensuring it is in a fit state to go through a series of Executive Reviews later on this week.

There is no way that I can make this entertaining or interesting so I thought I'd provide a brief description of one of my latest diversions......

..... since T&M joined out family unit they have become exactly that, members of the family. They have their own personalities and peculiarities and consequently anthropomorphism has blossomed and each one has become a furry person with much the same rights and degree of latitude as that given to young children.

This has allowed me to develop a new form of entertainment known at The Pile as Pet  Channelling. This is quite straightforward but does allow me to get away with some of the most outrageous behaviour. Basically I crouch near either T&M and start a conversation with them in much the same style as Johnny Morris in Animal Magic except that there is more bad language than in the children's BBC TV Programme. Generally I tend to "channel" Marauder as her personality is the more talkative of the two dogs. Tyson is more of the "strong silent type". Obviously I am delivering both parts of the conversation but it is amazing how much I can get away with as both 30% and TP seem to go with the flow and take part in this ridiculous charade.

Here's an example of a recent Channelling Experience....

Badman              Hello Marauder, did you miss me?

Marauder            Yes  (in a plaintive tone)

Badman              Did you have a nice week with 30% and TP while I was away?

Marauder            I wanted to come with you (again in a plaintive tone)

Badman              I’m sure you had lots of nice walks with 30%

Marauder            No, it was shit!

So, there you have it, give Pet Channelling a try and create a whole new dimension to your relationship with your furry companions.

Match Day

TP and I rose at eight, breakfasted and headed over to the host Rugby Club. Their team were absolutely enormous. I have never seen 14 year olds like them. In terms of skill they were on par with TP's team but their size gave them a considerable advantage and it was a home win.

Back home TP and I watched the England v Scotland International before 30% and I took T&M around the 3 Miler.....

...... it's great to be home at last.

Revolving Doors

I arrived back in Birmingham at around 6.45 am and was firing up the Defender in Long Stay 1 about 30 minutes later.

After a 40 minute drive I walked through the doors at home to be enthusiastically greeted by 30% and T&M. Actually, if the truth be told, 30% has to wait for T&M to calm down before she can get close enough for a kiss and a hug .....

..... they do get a little excited.

I had barely walked through the door before we were climbing back in to the car to take TP over to the Rugby Club. 30% had made a couple of calls and had arranged for another parent to take TP over to the days first activity; a Water Park session so that I could spend a couple of hours at home before leaving for Newcastle-under-Lyme. I therefore  managed to unpack one bag, repack another, shove a bacon sandwich down my throat and have a nap before I climbed back in to the car and trundled up to Newcastle-under-Lyme.

I have never been to this part of the world before and can now report that I saw absolutely nothing to drag me back, motorways, dual carriage ways, speed bumps, warehouses  and motels......

....... welcome to North Staffordshire!

After finding the Hotel, and TP,  we drove over to the host Rugby Club and watched the Ireland : Wales International before returning to the hotel for Dinner. I was pretty shattered and made it through to 10.30 before retiring to bed .....


....... where I had to do my Good Samaritan act as an elderly lady was collapsed outside my room apparently suffering from a hypoglycaemic attack (low blood sugar). I'm diabetic so am familiar with the condition and took the appropriate measures;  I quickly emptied a few sugar sachets in to a mug, added warm water, stirred  and got her to drink it. She slowly became more lucid but none of the people in attendance could get her upright and her partner was pissed and useless. Eventually we called a paramedic and it became apparent after a blood test that her problem was alcohol rather than poor diabetic management.

Tiredness rapidly converted my concern to irritation as it became apparent that a) she had just got drunk and fallen over and b) her tanked up companion couldn't be arsed and showed not one iota of concern for her condition.

I eventually slipped in to bed at 11 having had 4 hours sleep* in the past 36. I could, as my Dad would have put it, slept on a clothes line I was so tired.

* in a Continental Airlines cattle class seat

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Other Stuff - Whilst I was in Boston Chippy Ian had finished the Linen Cupboard on the Landing and I finally got to see it. He has done an absolutely fantastic job and his design is perfect for the space and age of the house. He will be back fairly soon to build wardrobes in the same style once Andy & Steve have re-plastered the bedroom ceiling.

No Peace for the Wicked

A hotel room in Cambridge MA. It is 6.30 in the morning. Bad Man is stumbling around in his underwear and a T-shirt packing his suitcase.

Fish                 Badman, we need to talk.

Badman           Sure Amerigo, What’s up?

Fish                 Badman, this relationship is not working. To be honest, I feel used. You had me dragged from the Tank downstairs where I was happy with my fishy buddies and for the past week I have swam around this crappy bowl on my own and you have hardly spent 10 minutes in the room let alone had any quality time with me …..

Badman           But Amerigo …..

Fish                 Don’t you “But, Amerigo” me. You have treated me really badly and I want out of this relationship. You have treated me like crap and I’m telling you I want out of this. I spoke to Sebastian and he said you were a really nice guy but you are a shitty, uptight British idiot and I hope you get a cramped, window seat on a rammed flight that is delayed you ass hole.

That didn’t go very well at all did it? With retrospect I guess that I should have found time to visit the Mall and get Amerigo a gift at the very least. But, what do you buy a hotel fish? I suppose he might have liked some new plastic weed or could have got him a Castle. Mind you, he is very much a US Goldfish so he would probably have been happier with a little plastic Condo to swim in and out of. 

My Mom warned me about people like you !

  

As you may have guessed I have had a pretty intense week that didn’t leave much room for “me time”.  Working in the States means that my UK based team mates have a 5 hour advantage on me and they use that time well. They devote many hours to filling my in-box with as many emails as they possibly can. This means that my in-box is rammed even though I had diligently cleared it the day before.

The plan for this week is to have 4 days of sessions with our Client with the aim of honing our Proposal to a greater degree of relevance and accuracy. I need to keep on top of the information flows making sure that new data gets fed back to the UK and that UK questions get answered by the client or our US colleagues.

Needing to keep material moving has meant that most days have started with me checking my mail at around 6 in the morning and taking a couple of hours to get the priority stuff dealt with before getting breakfast and crossing the road to the Office. On Tuesday I woke at around 4.30 am due to Jet Lag and stupidly wandered over to my Laptop. I ended up having a chat with Golfy who has been ably “minding the shop” back in Blighty whilst I am infiltrating Corporate America.

The early start is a great way of keeping stuff moving back in the UK but it does result in a long working day. Each day has ended with a hour long Review and Highlights meeting that finishes around 7.30 pm but there have often been additional activities after that. To cut to the chase, I have rarely left the Office before 8 pm and then it has been a case of going straight to a restaurant for dinner and a couple of beers before returning to my room. I have then generally crashed immediately hence the issue with the Fish that is currently demanding relationship counselling.

So, there you have it, the pattern of the week has been 12 to 14 hours days of meetings and information management followed by a few hours of relative relaxation with my US workmates before retiring to partake of the intermittent sleep of the mildly jet-lagged.

I’m basically knackered and the flight home is once again rammed. I think wistfully back to my last trip when I had a row to myself and could stretch out. This time it will be a fitful doze in a Cattle Class seat.

I won’t really be able to kick back and relax on Saturday either as it is TP’s Rugby Tour and I will be driving him up to Newcastle under Lyme in Staffordshire within two or three hours of landing back in the UK.

With that thought at the forefront of my mind I had better sign off. I would like to be able to promise that normal service will be resumed next week but I am guessing that a series of Executive Reviews is likely to occupy most of my time