Ticks in Boxes ...

... or probably more accurately "covering my arse".

This is the start of the week in which we pull together the first deliverable for our American colleagues. We have been asked to develop some "guesstimates"  and send them over The Pond at the end of the week. To be honest we know very little about the  project scope so everything is highly assumptive and therefore, by definition, wrong ...

... so, why are we doing this? Well taking the positives first it is forcing my European team to think about the task ahead and to forge links with their opposite numbers in the US. It also gives them something to do while we wait for details of the scope and stops them wandering off to do something else*.

If I take off the Rose Tinted Spectacles I am concerned that it will just give my US chums a stick to beat me with at a later date**.

This is a very artificial exercise that will go nowhere near the client and, as a consequence, I am not overly excited about our current activities. The lack of clarity does however create some very interesting questions about the feasibility and in some cases the legitimacy of our approach. I have therefore spent some of my time drafting some carefully worded communications to the Global Lead ensuring that he understands our position and in some cases requesting confirmation that he has completed certain "compliance" activities of his own. It's not that I don't trust him ...

... actually, it is!

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* They are like cats. They are difficult to herd and have a tendency to do what they like. As a consequence this is a dead mouse to keep them occupied until the hunt really starts ...
... Oh, and yes I reckon that some of them do spend their days licking their own bum holes.
** They have already developed their own estimate of my costs and I know that it will be way too low so when I come in with something developed locally they will moan like crazy.

Weekend Round Up

Have you ever had one of those days where you thought that a joint decision had been made to perform a certain activity but actually found out that this had been revised?

Well that accurately sums up Saturday...and yes, apparently  I was bloody informed of it at some vague point in the preceding ten days. Instead of making a serious attempt at finishing the stripping of the wallpaper and woodwork on the Stairs and Landing I found myself stood in freezing cattery for over an hour, talking absolute bollocks with some Nutter of a local who obviously hadn't had what she deemed a decent chat since Christmas. 30% had decided that we had to go out and inspect the aforementioned establishment to make sure that it was suitable to accommodate Noggin & Tog when we go away in February. It was fine as maximum security cat prisons go and they will have a miserable week there but will return pretty much as they arrived apart from hopefully being slightly more pleased to see us than usual. I had worked out that it was fine in about 5 minutes and 30% had arrived at the same decision in similar time frame so why the fuck did I have to stand there freezing my tits off listening to utter drivel for another 60 minutes.

This was followed by a trip over to Bad Man senior's house to collect Step Mum Sue's exercise bike*. There is no such thing as just "popping in" to my Dad's house for 5 minutes and this sortie took another hour and a half. By the time we got home it was most definitely a "late lunch" and we were well in to the afternoon before the dishwasher was stacked ...

... now I know that there was plenty of time to "make a start" on the decoration prep work but I didn't feel inclined to get started only to be forced to pack up a short while later and clear up a load of crap and dust. This is one of those jobs where you really want a full day at it, so I kicked my heels for the remainder of the afternoon sat in front of the 'Mac continuing with the DVD Library Project.

In Summary, Saturday did not live up to my expectations.

Sunday was filled by Rugby in the morning and Dog Clipping in the afternoon. These two activities may have been punctuated by a snooze on the sofa.

Down at the Rugby Club TP had a really good game against some strong opposition and, whilst his team did not win, they put on a very good show and came away with a creditable score. The afternoon saw me feeling absolutely knackered, hence the snooze, and to be honest the dog clipping was done simply to avoid accusations of slothfulness.

All in all this was not one of my most productive 48 hour period but I guess I can't expect every weekend to go according to plan.

---

* This contraption is most definitely not for my benefit as the Tree Miler does a reasonable job at slowing** the rate of bad man waist expansion
** note "slowing" rather than "reducing"

So here we are at Friday ...

It has been a few days since I last put virtual pen to virtual paper. The reason for this lack of diaristic output is that I have been expected to work for a living ...

... Bloody Cheek! To be honest it has been a while since I was last busy and by "a while" I mean the beginning of November last year. I lost most of November on "medical absence" due to my hand operation and the only piece of work I was given on my return probably took no more than a total of three or maybe four days effort to complete. So basically, apart from pulling my team together and doing a bit of background reading for the latest project, I have been coasting for a couple of months and it is only in the past week that I have been"back in the saddle".

How has it been? Well most of the cliche's that I would tend to use seem to be related to manual labour. "putting my shoulder to the wheel" and "laying foundations" are a couple. "Drawing lines in the sand" also seems to have been a frequent activity too...

Am I enjoying it? To be honest; "Yes" it is good to be back doing what I am supposed to be doing and seeing that I can actually add value. I have to admit that there are moments where I would like to have the ability to take certain individuals by the throat and squeeze until their lifeless form falls from my grasp to the dirt, but after a few deep breaths and a little lateral thinking I tend to go with a phone call or a carefully worded e-mail and seem to be getting the results that I want.

What have I learnt this week? A couple of things really; firstly, that people who claim to be experts may not know nearly as much as one would expect, and secondly, that when a resource seems to drop off the radar think the worst and escalate.

It is now wine time. The fire is lit and supper is only 30 or 40 minutes away, My in-box contains nothing critical and the weekend is here. The work laptop has been shut down and I'm looking forward to the weekend with a slightly smug feeling of having had quite a good week.

I'd better watch it. We all know that pride comes before a fall ...

... and this latest project has got a LONG way to go yet.

And We're Off .... sort off

Today The Band and I were summoned to a virtual meeting where we were informed that
Dante's Nine Circles of Hell had definitely been selected as a possible Supplier of Musical Entertainment to a new Client. A few competitors and we would shortly* be receiving a set of requirements, against which we can design our Show...

... That was the Good News. The Bad News was that we would be given very little time to design and cost our extravaganza. We have therefore been asked to develop something "vanilla", while we wait, that we can then "build off" once the Client gets it's arse in to gear and decides what they really want. This is a bit like having the band get together in a chilly rehearsal room to put together a set and rehearse the numbers with a strong possibility of the client wanting a completely different set of tunes. For all I know we could be rehearsing classic rock and the Client actually wants US Middle of the Road.**

I therefore spent a good few hours trawling through some archived material trying to clarify the types of tunes our prospective client might like. Even at this early stage it is apparent that certain members of the Band don't like some of the selected tracks. It is also apparent that certain members of the Band are having difficulty reading sheet music and I am already being forced to tell them what the notes are when the lazy fuckers are quite capable of doing it themselves.

Some things never change!

---

* Before Christmas it was "it'll be with us by the end of December, 1st week of January at the latest". It is now "Could be the end of this week but more likely the end of the month". Is is just me that is seeing a pattern here?
** Hall & Oates here we come

A Quiet Start to the Week

The title of this entry sums it up.

A call has been scheduled for tomorrow lunchtime to get us all started on the latest project. The simple fact that the Client hasn't given us a brief doesn't seem to be an issue. Part of me can see that it is better to get some work done and tweak it once we have better information but another part can see that this could be an expensive and risky approach.

Away from work, Winter finally seems to have arrived, after a very mild December, and we have had a few frosts this week. These are nothing like the -20 degree Celsius frosts of last year but the ground is hard and white and the weather seems to  excite the dogs. I watched them charge around the lawn like lunatics; leaping, bounding and play fighting.

Imagine what they're like if they miss a walk

The slow day meant that the fire was lit early in the evening and the heat seems to have the exact opposite effect on the animals. Tyson, Marauder, Noggin and Tog are now sprawled over the sofas and rugs soaking in every bit of the warmth. The only non-participant is Eddy. For whatever reason he seems to insist on nipping in and out via the cat flap all evening...

... The only problem with this is that the cat flap is currently locked as N&T are not yet allowed out in the garden. This means that my evenings are interrupted by frequent trips to act as Doorman for Eddy*.

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* "Thanks badman. I'm not sure when I'll be back but be a good chap and wait up for me. It's not as though you have anything important to do and I don't want to be waiting around by the door as it's quite chilly outside"

Coach Incident near M42/M6 Junction

Sunday, like most Sundays during the Rugby season, started about an hour earlier than I would have liked. Actually it is not the start time it is more the fact that I cannot lounge around drinking coffee and get started at a time of my choice but have to abide by a schedule set by the team Coach.

Today we were due to be at a pitch to the North West of Birmingham at ten o'clock sharp. This meant de-icing and climbing in to a chilly car by nine at the latest. Take note of the term "de-icing" as this is important later on.  I also need to point out that I had had checked my iPhone e-mail just before we left to obtain the destination post code for the Sat Nav ...

... Imagine therefore our delight to drive thirty or more miles and sit in a Rugby Club car park for 25 minutes and see no familiar faces. After making enquiries it transpired that the match had been cancelled due to a frozen pitch and it was obvious that whatever means of communicating the cancellation was deployed neither text message, phone call or e-mail was thought necessary.

Taking a glass half full* view, at least we arrived home a couple of hours earlier than if the match had taken place.

This meant that the dogs got walked before lunch and the afternoon was mine to continue the DVD Library project and finally connect up the Apple TV. I can report that this little contraption is a typical Apple device; a piece of cake to install and set up, works beautifully and is a delight to use. It was therefore quite ironic that the day of it's debut was the one day that the TV schedules contained programming that we quite fancied viewing ...

... there is always Monday ...

... and Tuesday, and Wednesday ...

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* unusual for me, I know

Busy Day

Saturday started with a culinary mission. 30% and I spent a few hours converting a couple of pork joints, via a mincer and food processor,  into a large batch of faggots and 6 lbs of Gloucester Sausages.

Whilst this was going on I could periodically hear my laptop beeping as Noggin decided to use the keyboard as a suitable place to sun himself. Sausage meat encrusted hands and a token nod in the direction of food prep hygiene meant that this was ignored and the beeping seemed to subside quite quickly as he either settled or moved on. The cooking came to a close and after tidying the kitchen we sat down to lunch and this is when I learnt two things....

1) always close your laptop lid when leaving it unattended, and
2) just how intricate the tiny, interconnected plastic and metal components are that sit beneath the [Del] and [Return] keys on a laptop keyboard...

... I then spent an infuriating 20 minutes with tweezers, supplementary illumination and a sketch of my findings beneath the [PgDn] key before I got the damned thing back together*.

30% thoughtfully pointed out that it might be a good idea to put the machine away in future. This "I told you so" received it's just deserts a few moments later when I heard her admonishing Tyson for helping herself to a couple of faggots left, in Tyson's and my opinion, way too close to the edge of the worktop.

The day continued with a walk around the Three Miler and a trip in to Worcester to pick up a couple of HDMI cables for the Apple TV. Whilst I was mooching around Maplins, 30% had wandered in to a nearby Home Furnishing store for a browse and I joined her once I had picked myself up off the floor after recovering from the the shock of the price of HDMI components ...

... and so we found ourselves wandering around aisles of cushions, glasses and mirrors and then we saw it nestling amongst a collection of rugs. It screamed "IMPULSE BUY" and now we are the owners of a Blue Wildebeest hide. Sometimes you just have to go with a gut instinct and work out where it can go in the house at a later date. I think it fair to say that the hide most definitely falls in to this category but it looks fantastic and we have plenty of floor and wall space to fill in The Pile.

Having completed our shopping trip it was time to wend our way over to Trish's house for a splendid Dinner and then a return home at a civilised hour...

... Oh, and I nearly forgot; we had our first egg of the year today. One of the Minorcas has finally got with the programme.

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* This Desk Side Support visit was accompanied by a constant stream of expletives and invective questioning Noggin's parentage and proposing an entirely suitable number of options for bringing his life to  an early and painful end.

When?

The fragmentary and contradictory information coming from my US colleagues about the start, and more worryingly the end, date of my next project is becoming very frustrating.

Today I saw one e-mail saying we would have a clear steer on what we were to do towards the end of next week. Another said that it might be the back end of the month before the Client decides on the scope of our work. That second mail then went on to say that we would start work anyway without a clear idea of what we were doing*...

... I see a "fun" few weeks ahead of me and the deferred start date could mean that the work reaches its conclusion, or at least reaches a critical point  in the week that 30% and I have booked away in a cottage on the Gower Peninsula. To complicate matters further the colleague who is riding shotgun with me also has that week booked off. I see an interesting chat with the Idiot Manager ahead to wander around the edges of this resourcing issue without ever reaching a satisfactory conciliation or actually any conclusion at all.

Away from/during work the video library project continues and I now have more than 70 titles ripped to the 1TB drive. As I glance across at the shelves behind me there still seems to be an awful lot of titles still to be done. The plans for the weekend include a trip out to pick up a couple of HDMI cables and an HDMI switch unit and it will be time to explore the debris that has accumulated under the unit that houses the various satellite receivers and audio/video paraphernalia...

... I am expecting dust, at least one discarded dog chew and the odd tennis ball**. I am hoping that this is technology that requires only one expedition in to these dark and dusty realms.

---

* Nothing new there then.
** Before you adopt the look of intense distaste, are you sure that it is spotless and pristine behind your telly? If so, can you let me have your cleaner's 'phone number.

School Report

On the work front I need to do little more than reference Tuesday's Journal Entry. Today was very much more of the same.

On the home front TP had the first of his GCSE Science examinations today and came home reporting that all went well. He had also been given the results from his first Maths paper where he got an A and his recent English mock exam where an A* was awarded. We are all delighted, although 30% was somewhat miffed as this display of swottery means that he was excused the regular dressing down for his equally regular failure to empty the dishwasher and recycling bin.

40 miles for 5 minutes

Wednesday saw yet another trip in to the nearest Circle of Hell. On this occasion I had been summoned by my second line manager for an update on the latest project. To be honest she is a pretty good Boss and was incredibly supportive on my last project, so it was no big deal to drive in to work and spend a few minutes giving her a heads up on where we were and what was likely to be in store. She made the trip doubly worth it when she said she would look in to a minor resourcing issue that had presented itself in the last 24 hours.

To be honest, today was pretty much a repeat of Monday with plenty of frolleagues in attendance and the consequential piss-taking that results...

... Amazing fact of the day is that Granddad Jack's wife has so much confidence in his ability to master the piano that she felt it necessary to give him only three lessons as his Christmas present, the unspoken assumption being that this is all that is necessary for him to achieve a professional level of competency. We all therefore expect him to be capable of a recital at some point around the beginning of February*.

Quote of the day came up in a chat with Jack about the appraisal system and whether one's rating should be viewed with optimism or pessimism, I decided that I am currently erring between "glass half full" and "drained poison chalice"!

I am still in a "holding pattern" and took the opportunity, presented by the ongoing delay in my project, to nip home shortly after lunch and walk T&M in the late afternoon rather than the dark.

I continue to digitise the family DVD library and am hoping that the ease of access presented by an Apple TV will actually encourage us to watch a few films rather than the tripe that the TV Schedulers seem to be offering at present. I am aware that easy access means that we will no longer need to stand bent at the waist with one's head tilted to an extreme angle to read the titles but am concerned that having me, 30% and TP offering suggestions for an evening's viewing will result in conflict rather than consensus...

... it is an old adage that a man can walk in to a DVD rental outlet** make a decision on a film and walk out in about 5 minutes. His wife can walk in and do the same, but if they both go in together and attempt to find a film that suits them both it takes and hour and they walk out with a film that neither of them want to see. They spend the rest of the evening blaming their partner for the shitty film and only an experienced marriage guidance councillor can actually save the relationship.

I'm starting to have second thoughts.

---

* I have never attempted to play the piano but understand that Mozart had it pretty much mastered by the age of 6 so I see no reason why Jack, who has at least 54 years on Wolfgang Amadeus, can't achieve Concert Pianist standard in the next few weeks.
** I originally typed "video shop" and then realised a) this was seriously outdated and b) none under the age of 20 would have clue what I meant. The sad thing is that I can remember the first Video shop opening in our local town when I was 17 or 18 years old.

A Ripping Day

I think I may have mentioned that I am currently sat in a "holding pattern" waiting for my next project to kick-off. There is only so much "getting your ducks in a row" that a man can take before the Cliche Police burst in through the door and I "accidentally fall down the station steps get a damned good kicking".

I therefore spent a good chunk of today perambulating between my work laptop, where I checked for "significant e-mails", and the iMac. I am in the process of ripping a large number of DVDs to an MP4 format as another of my Christmas presents was an Apple TV and this is of little value without a media library to support it. The Mac was therefore doing an admirable job of turning the family DVD library in to a neat little directory of files on the external 1TB Drive.

Golfy had suggested a couple of applications to download to deliver a polished product and these are now ripping and embedding meta data like there is no tomorrow.

40 miles for 20 minutes

Today I had planned  a trip in to the nearest Circle of Hell for my appraisal meeting. Normally I would be on  the way in at around eight in the morning but I was not exactly busy and didn't want to spend all day in a sterile Office kicking my heels. My plan was to spend the morning at home and then wander in at some point in the afternoon. This seemed like a great idea apart from the fact that I was sharing the "home office" with 30% and T&M.

30% seemed to be spending a lot of time explaining processes   v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y  and in very precise English to colleagues in India and T&M had decided that today was a great day to practise their barking ...

... at a little after nine o'clock I discovered that Golfy was also in the Office and this was the clincher. I had a quick shave and bundled my laptop in to it's bag. I was soon on the road and heading in to work rather than endure the mayhem at home.

Dante's nearest Circle of Hell was actually quite good fun as I bumped in to many colleagues during the day and seemed to spend much of my time chatting and  "pressing the flesh".

The working day ended with a wander over to a nearby, and newly opened, hotel to try out it's bar before trundling back home ...

... oh, and the Appraisal Meeting ... Can't Complain.

Weekend Round Up

Saturday started at a very leisurely pace for 30% and me but not so for TP, whose failure to set an alarm only left him 40 minutes to get his arse out of bed and be at the bus stop to meet up with his friends for an outing to Worcester.

We drank coffee and watched as he scurried round. It is nice to know that he does actually have a sense of urgency but it is unfortunate that this rarely aligns itself with our scheduling! Having bade farewell to TP we had a leisurely breakfast and headed in to town for a traipse around the supermarket. I wouldn't normally document such a mundane activity* but on this trip to Sainsbury's I wandered down the "Reduced" aisle and a new keyboard and a 1TB External Disk Drive found their way in to the trolley. The former is for my work machine as I am not a fan of laptop keyboards, the latter was to be connected to the iMac and will provide the infrastructure for a video media library.

The afternoon involved the usual round of dog walking and domestic duties and I'll make no further mention as this tale of domestic tedium is reaching levels where those of a sensitive disposition may be at risk.

Sunday continued in a similar vein; a trip to the Rugby club for TP to train, an enjoyable but muddy walk around the woods and fields by the club and an afternoon spent working out how to convert an extensive library of DVDs to MP4 files on the aforementioned new external drive.

The narrative may suggest something to the contrary but it was a great weekend.

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* actually, reading through some Journal entries, I believe I have noted far more boring things than this

Calm before the Storm

It is Friday and the end of the first week of the year. To be fair it has been far less frenetic than it could have been due to a delay in the start of my latest project but a call on Friday morning indicated that this was truly the calm before the storm.  As Fred Astaire put it so perfectly "There may be trouble ahead"!

As for Friday, I finished my input in to the spreadsheet from Hell and then send it on to the next unlucky recipient*.

I was pretty much finished by lunchtime and the afternoon involved nothing more arduous than a walk with T&M...

... oh, and a stroll out to the garage and log pile for kindling and err logs.

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* Think pass the parcel with horrific forfeits and absolutely no chance of winning the prize

Work 'n Play

I have spent all of my working day cutting, pasting, re-calculating and re-formatting data ...

... Kill me now!

By five o'clock I had lost the will to live so I shut down the laptop, lit the fire and warmed my bones for an hour. By the time 30% arrived home I had recovered a modicum of enthusiasm and set to slicing the bacon that I finished curing earlier in the week. This meant that I also had an excuse to play with the vacuum packer that was a Christmas gift from 30%'s Mum and Dad.

I just need a label printer now

This was the trial of the new cure recipe that contains star anise and needless to say a rasher got thrown in the pan for the necessary taste test. I can report that it works very well. The bacon has a sweet and spicy note to it's flavour and one of the four packs is most definitely not going to make it to the freezer.

The loin produced just under 3 lbs of bacon (about 36 rashers). I haven't the foggiest what it cost but would guess that it was in the region of £8 - £9. This give me cost of £3 per lb for the bacon which seems to compare very well with current supermarket prices.

What is the definition of futility?

After a very easy Tuesday I started on what was to become a very tedious Wednesday. Initially I thought that I was going to have another quiet day but things changed after a call with a couple of pen pushers ...

... I now have to spend the remainder of my week extracting data from a series of spreadsheets, reformat it and and then paste it in to another spreadsheet. A colleague and I were repeatedly advised that this was a mandated process and there was a considerable amount of name dropping* when the discussion reached the subject of completion dates blah, blah, blah, blah.

It will not take a rocket scientist/brain surgeon/chimp scratching it's arse to realise that this electronic equivalent of form filling is not my favourite job as it's purpose is not clearly defined and it's value is easily questioned...

... let me give you an analogy in an attempt to explain the non relevance of this stupid bloody task...

... Imagine an Explorer stood on the coast of a newly discovered land. He arrived there by the usual route; heard a fascinating story from a drunk in a pub, researched the roots of this tale, combined this with a desire to see native ladies, who are renowned for having bare bosoms,  and decided to seek funding for a voyage of exploration.

So now we find him stood on a white sand beach with a huge pile of boxes wondering a) where the matches are and, more importantly, b) where the native ladies are...

... we now leap many months forward in time. Our Explorer Chap has recruited porters, seen more bare breasts than you can shake a stick at, and has trudged hundreds of miles through almost impenetrable jungle. He has shot anything that came in to sight, has endured scorching heat and frightful diseases and, on more than one occasion, wondered whether it was actually necessary to bring a pianoforte on this journey.

All of this was in the spirit of exploration and our breast obsessed Explorer eventually returns home with a huge collection of exotic biological and ethnographic samples. He has sufficient tales to  dine out on for the rest of his days** and last but not least A MAP.

Now imagine him returning to his Patron to be confronted by a couple of lackeys that have no interest in any of these discoveries and instead ask him to re-write and re-format his original exploration grant application.

Is it me?

I suppose I should point out that this analogy is not perfect but it is close enough. The truth of the matter is that I have been asked to present a set of costs as they were on the date of a particular review. This presentation takes no account of a series of major subsequent events that mean that this is no longer relevant...

... However, it is easier to tell my Dick of a Manager that I have been doing this rather than "playing with my iMac"

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* The same names that depend on me doing my proper day job to a) justify their existence and, more importantly b) be successful at it so they actually get a salary
** although some of them will need to be cleaned up for mixed company

A close inspection of the grindstone

It was a major relief to find that the first day back at work after the Christmas/New Year break was incredibly quiet. I am about to start a new project and had been forewarned that I might have to hit the ground running today.  It was therefore a complete delight to find my in-box filled with promotional e-mails from Amazon, eBay and many other Internet based retailers but nothing significant from my colleagues in The States...

... I therefore spent a few minutes filling my trash folder with the aforementioned "promotionals" and wondered what the hell I could do to fill the remainder of my day.

To kill some time I removed the flitch of back bacon from the fridge, washed off the dry cure and soaked it for an hour before wrapping it and hanging it in the kitchen. I had started this cure a couple of days after Christmas and am intrigued to see whether the star anise makes a difference to the flavour of the bacon. I suspect it will be sliced and taste tested before the week is out.

Back in front of the laptop I discovered that the only conference call of the day had been cancelled and hence my working day was to comprise nothing more than shuffling a few e-mails.

Away from work I took T&M for a VERY BLUSTERY walk. Over the past few days I have been using a whistle to attract their attention before giving them a command. The reason for this new approach is because they seem to be somewhat desensitised to verbal commands. This is probably down to the fact that we all prattle on to them like they are members of the family and hence they now ignore everything we say*. The whistle has caused a complete transformation. I have been using it in conjunction with edible rewards and the dogs now come charging back to me after a single blast. It is still early days and I have yet to use it to recall them from playing with another dog but it seems to have potential...

... watch this space.

I also managed to move my i-Tunes library from my work laptop to the iMac. After a bit of faffing the two devices talk to each other as nature intended and my laptop now has far less baggage cluttering up it's drives. I should probably point out that the "faffing" is down to my lack of familiarity with iTunes and Mac OS X rather than the machine.

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* just like teenagers really

Who changed the rules?

Apparently it is no longer the "done thing" to have a G&T at eleven and a glass of wine with lunch.

It was "de rigeur" yesterday but today it is a key indicator of impending alcoholism!

The Festivities draw to a close

New Years Day started a little before 9 o'clock with 30% presenting me with a cup of coffee in bed. This is a most unusual occurrence as she is not, by nature, an early riser*. After that splendid start to the day it was time to get a wriggle on as we had guests for lunch. I thoughtfully left 30% to the kitchen type stuff and got T&M out on their leads for a traipse around the Three Miler.

Now this might seem a little selfish but there was concurrence on this approach. By walking T&M early they would be a) tired and therefore far less boisterous on the arrival of our guests and b) it meant that neither of us would need to stir after munching our way through a splendid Sunday/New Years Day roast lunch to walk the little sods.

Lunch was lovely. We were joined by Trish and Andy who are the parents of one of TP's school friends; Nathan. It was Trish and Nathan who we accompanied to Twickenham back in November to see Australia destroy the Barbarians.  Andy is more often to be seen project managing air-conditioning installations in Dubai but was home for Christmas and it was great to see him after nearly two years.

Nathan had joined us here at The Pile for New Years Eve which meant that TP had company and 30% and I could slump on the sofa and do little more than occasionally provide the boys with food and soft drinks.

Having read this entry I agree that it is a complete and utter temporal mess but I cannot be arsed to re-write it. Basically Nathan came for a sleep over yesterday and Trish and Andy joined us today for lunch. If it's not clear now it never will be.

If I mention the stuff about Trish borrowing the car for an airport run because hers is too small it just gets even more complicated so I'm not even going to mention that ...

Oh Shit I did, Hmmm, I'll just gloss over that and hope nobody notices that...

... needless to say we had a lovely start to the new year with proper friends. We ate good food and the company could not be bettered. I only hope the year continues in the same vein.

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* as understatements go this is one of monumental proportions; think along the lines of thousands of slaves dragging huge stone blocks up ramps in a desert to get some idea of the scale of this understatement**
**then multiply by 6.34

Air Dried Ham; Day 21

So I find myself at the end of 2011; if you are expecting a neat summary of my achievements over the past year you are about to be disappointed. That would defeat the aim of keeping a Journal. If you want to know how the year panned out for me check the preceding pages.

The day started with an early wander around the Three Miler with T&M. I really owed them a walk as a combination of atrocious weather and a trip in to town meant that no walk had happened yesterday. The Christmas/New Year walkers were out in their hordes this morning and I counted more than a dozen of them. I have had a minor rant about them on previous occasions so I'll not bother with that today other than to make the observation that their numbers are expected to decline significantly in the next 48 hours and by the end of next week it will just be the usual miscreants out in the lanes.

After lunch it was time to excavate the leg of pork that I had been salting in the garage in preparation to make an air dried ham.

The leg weighed 6 kilos (a tad over 13 lbs) when it was placed in the salt on 9th December. After 21 days it now weighs 4.77 kg (10 lb 9 oz) so the salting appears to have reduced the weight by approximately 20%.

 After a thorough rinsing in cold water the leg is patted dry and then given a good wash in white wine vinegar.

It is then dried, wrapped in a double layer of muslin and then hung out in the garage for the next 6 months. All being well I should have a fine Prosciutto type ham towards the end of May 2012.

---

Other Stuff: 

TP returned home today after a few days away with his Mum, Bro and Sis down at Grandma's. 

On an entirely unconnected matter; 30% let Noggin & Tog have their first experience of outside today. Noggin nearly caused 30% to have a fit of the vapours when he headed straight for the main road. Tog, on the other hand, was far more cautious and took a long look around before a careful exploration of the patio. Having completed one circuit he re-entered the house with the look of a cat that thought the garden had not quite lived up to his expectations...

... perhaps he will change his mind when he discovers mice, shrews, voles and LBBs*.

On a slightly connected matter the Christmas Tree was taken to the local recycling point after achieving a world record three and one half day residence as a piece of living room installation art before cat attacks caused it to be deconstructed and placed in the garden. I think it says something that I liked it upright with baubles and lights intact whilst N&T preferred it sprawled across the floor with it's trimmings strewn across the room...

... We have a little under 12 months to rectify these artistic differences.

---

* Little Brown Birds

An Apple (a) day

Wednesday involved a trip over to Bad Man senior's to provide Step Mum Sue with what is know in the trade as a desk side visit. We had bought them a Kindle e-reader for Christmas and she wanted a little guidance on downloading books via the USB cable*. Having "closed that ticket" we took a brief trip in to Worcester before returning home for lunch and the daily walk.

The afternoon finally saw my new i-Mac removed from it's box and set up. It is a thing of beauty and after the painful tedium and irritating frustration of a Windows PC it is an absolute delight to use. It will take me a while to familiarise myself with the interface but so far it seems very intuitive...

... and as for the screen, it is huge and the image quality is amazing

 ---

* There are two things to note here; 1) "Senior's" home is not a wifi hotspot and 2) "Senior's" approach to computing is based around a very sophisticated voice interface ...

... "Sue, can you Google this for me, Sue can you print that off for me, Where is that photo we took on holiday? etc etc".

Alternative Cure

It was another lazy day here at The Pile. The only item on the agenda was lunch with 30%'s Mum and Dad followed by a walk with T&M and an extended period of pottering.

I did start the cure of a loin of pork that 30% bought just before Christmas and has sat, until today, developing an inferiority complex beside a huge turkey carcass and a honey and mustard glazed ham in the fridge. Hopefully the cure will improve it's self esteem and in seven days time it will be happy to strut it's stuff as a full blown piece of dry cured, back bacon.

I have varied the dry cure by adding four pieces of star anise to the 2.25 kilos of dry cure mixture and it will be interesting to see what effect this has. It was recommended as an aromatic in the cure by a local butcher but the discussion did not cover quantities so it will be a case of trial and error to get the flavouring just right.

Creme de Menthe & Banana; his finest hour

"Tell 30% not to worry about the dessert, I've got that sorted", these were the words that immediately followed bad man senior's acceptance of the Boxing Day lunch invitation...

... it did not take a rocket scientist to suss out that bad man senior would be bringing a trifle because EVERYONE loves a trifle and "senior" is famous, or possibly infamous, for his trifles. Let me explain; many, many years ago my mum was absolutely crazy for trifle. Now there is a hell of a back story about my mum that would fill volumes let alone a Journal entry but for the sake of brevity lets just summarise that a set of unfortunate circumstances in a Renault 4 left her as mad as a hatter and bad man senior as the main carer...

... and every Sunday Mater would INSIST on having trifle for tea. Now I am not exaggerating, my crazy mother would insist on trifle for tea and believe me it was easier to comply than suggest an alternative, much, much easier to comply...

... and so the fruity, slightly boozy, creamy dessert that every loves on special occasions became a Sunday staple at my childhood home and since then I have done my best to avoid them. It is not that I dislike trifle but I have developed a theory that every human being has a natural trifle limit and that I exceeded mine at some point in 1978. I'm not actually sure what happens in the result of a major trifle overdose but you can be sure that I am not going to risk spending time in intensive care due to some close-to-fatal jelly/sherry synergistic poisoning...

... 30%, on the other hand, is still way off the point of trifle toxicity and as a consequence is more than happy to be presented with a free trifle. Pater, who is inordinately fond of 30% is therefore more than willing to present her with one of his specialities. Hence Boxing day lunch was to include a sherry trifle dessert.

I should point out that over the years Dad's natural curiosity and tendency to experiment perhaps combined with a lack of sherry lead him to develop a number of interesting trifle variants. The main source of his inspiration was a 1960s G Plan side board with a drinks cupboard that was filled with, you've guessed it, a 1960's liqueur collection. He lays claim to the first ever use of Tia Maria in a trifle and I have no reason to doubt that he has used Cherry Brandy, Baileys and Cointreau rather than endure the ire of my mother.

Yes, over the years I have sampled every type of trifle known to man and a certain number that are banned in all but the most lawless of parts of the planet ...

... out of politeness I agreed to a small portion and was served something the size of a small family car. I lifted the first spoonful to my mouth and it was just as I remembered it ...

... "Thanks Dad, it was lovely"

I definitely wasn't expecting that

It was a quiet Christmas day here at The Pile; dogs were walked, food was eaten, a few drinks were imbibed and presents were exchanged.

TP is now kitted out for his skiing trip in February and 30% was overjoyed with her hand bag and blown away by the unexpected ear rings...

... as for me, I was thoroughly spoilt. I won't go in to details but a transvestite granny smith with some associated infrastructure sums up a few of my gifts quite neatly...

... and as for the mounted wild boars head; MENTAL!

Merry Christmas


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

We need a couple of concrete blocks

So Christmas Eve dawned and immediately after breakfast TP and I set out for a local Nursery to pick up the Christmas Tree. There had been much debate about how a tree would fare with two very inquisitive kittens but we finally succumbed subject to a few provisos set out by 30% as to which desecrations could be hung from its boughs.

After the purchase of the tree I took T&M for a quick whizz around the Three Miler before we nipped in to Worcester for some traditional last minute shopping. Last weekend's trip in to Stratford had been less than successful and TP and I really needed to get a little something special to put in 30%'s stocking. We had a loose plan but our initial forays were less than fruitful. Absolutely every thing we saw just wasn't quite right. We therefore broke off from our search and went for an old favourite; perfume. As we wandered back towards the car I had to admit that I wasn't totally happy with the selection of gifts. That ideal little something just hadn't been found and then the clouds parted and a shaft of light illuminated the Jewellers window and there they were ...

... a gorgeous pair of ear rings that were a perfect compliment to the necklace that she treasures. Within a matter of minutes they were gift wrapped and we were heading back to the car park. Shopping done we joined Jools for a late lunch and exchange of gifts before heading home.

Back at The Pile the tree was unwrapped and installed in the living room where TP and I dressed it. It lasted less than an hour before Noggin and Tog had climbed it and brought it crashing to the floor. It was then decreed that the kittens needed to be accompanied in the lounge at all times until twelfth night*

Imagine now a speeding clock with the hands settling at six in the evening. 30%'s family join us for the Village Carol Concert. This is a fantastic open air celebration on the Green under the Christmas Tree. It is very well arranged with a local Silver Band and PA System, so that everyone can hear the melodies, and Carol Sheets so that everyone knows the words. It is always well attended and it is not unusual to draw in visitors from several miles away. It might seem odd, considering my lack of faith, to enjoy a carol concert but I do despite my renowned inability to carry a tune.

After the concert 30% served Dinner. Further exchanges of presents occurred and by half past nine we had the house to ourselves once more. As we settled down to relax Noggin and Tog returned invigorated and resumed their attack on the Christmas Tree. It was toppled at least once more and several of the decorations were strewn across the floor. It now stands a noticeable few degrees off vertical and I think that TP will need to redecorate at some point tomorrow.

As we retired to bed I pointed out that we need a couple of concrete blocks to sort out the tree. "What?" she enquired, "to weigh down the base and make it more stable?"...

... "No" I replied "We tie one to each of the cats. That will stop the little sods wrecking it"

---

* Fat Bloody Chance

Nothing of huge import to impart today.

Cathy H-R turned up on the door step with the Turkey and after a brief natter departed safe in the knowledge that she had a buyer for half of the pig she would be slaughtering in February.

T&M were then taken for an early walk and were subsequently bathed as the lanes are even muddier than last reported. We then all tidied ourselves up and nipped over to a reasonably local pub for a non-birthday lunch.

In the afternoon I set to boiling a large gammon joint that was finished off in the oven with a  honey and mustard glaze ... mmm!

30% was also creative in the kitchen* and TP amused himself by tidying his bedroom and searching for the i-Phone 3 that has been lost for the best part of a week.

Dad and a small sampling of Sues** paid visits with cards and gifts in the late afternoon and the evening revolved around the trinity of sofa, log burner and television.

---

* Delia's Black Bean Chili
** Mad Bat and Step Mum Sue

Quote of the Day

On the last team call before Christmas our charming manager had managed to issue the most insipid and insincere Christmas wish to the team. It was delivered as though it was a trivial and unnecessary annoyance  in his otherwise perfect agenda.

Golfy and I had a post call analysis ...

Golfy            He is the Black Hole of mirth

bad man       He needs a fucking good kick in the event horizon

I'm putting the band back together...

Yes, you heard it right. I'm putting the band back together ...

... after the mega successful tour earlier this year ,where we covered 14 EMEA countries and made a couple of Stateside appearances too, the record label have asked me to put the band back together for another European tour.

It is great to be going back on the road but this is tinged with sadness as I know that I am unlikely to get the original 2010/11 line-up back on the tour bus. I know for a fact that Fat Deb is not going to be on vocals but, to be honest, she never knew the running order of the set and was always forgetting the lyrics so that's no great loss. Her replacement looks like he has a top notch rock 'n roll pedigree judging by his surname and I am expecting great things, in fact a Quality performance, from Mr Bowie.

Judge Dread is back on the team too, having been appointed by the record label to make sure that our performance is as good as it can possibly be and that we don't have any problems with prop malfunctions when we go live.

It is with great, and hopefully mutual, disappointment that Tigger is not lined up to take on his usual role at the keyboard. He is currently performing in the Armada Room at the Holiday Inn with Merv and the Magic Tones*. We've had a couple of chats about him coming back and he's keen but there seems to be some contractual/managerial issue that means that he's forced to sit there looking down the cleavages of senior citizens while picking out the notes of The Girl from Ipanema on his organ.

The Brass Section is made up of the usual Europeans. They are not the most sociable of guys but they have an unnatural ability to put so much in to their work. I cannot recount the occasions where Tigger and I looked at their previous performances and were truly incredulous at what they could fit in to their moments in the spotlight.

So there we have it, most of the band are lined up and ready to start rehearsals in early January. There are going to be some rough nights ahead of us but what else can you expect with American Management. Now where did I put my favourite Harmonica ?

---

* That's a nowhere gig if ever there was one.

Weather Report

I know that the odds were against it and with over 40 years experience of British winters I knew there was virtually no chance of a repeat of last year's December snow fall but I always hoped for more of that fantastic weather. Yes, it was incredibly cold with temperatures down to minus 20 degrees centigrade, but it was beautiful.

This December we have the opposite. It is mild and soggy and my daily walk is becoming an exercise in avoiding mud splattered roads, soaking wet fields and woodland paths that have turned in to sloughs. The reason for this pedestrian delicacy is not personal. I can simply take off a pair of muddy boots and throw on a clean pair of jeans. No, the reason for this mud avoidance is for the sake of T&M. They both have long coats and these are a magnet for water and mud. As a consequence our walks  are planned to take in the dryer routes with the aim of avoiding daily baths and long hours spent drying in the hall before they are allowed in to the lounge.

Hopefully we will get a cold snap soon as slippery muddy paths and soggy dogs do tend to diminish the enjoyment of my daily walk.

Noggin & Tog or is it Toggin and Nog?*

I've not made any significant mention of Noggin and Tog since they turned up towards the end of September. They have both settled in amazingly well and from day one seemed totally unflustered by the over eager attentions of Tyson and Marauder.

Just the other day I was sat at the laptop and Noggin; the confident one was sat on a chair beside me. He decided to entertain himself by reaching through the back of the chair to bat Tyson about the head with his paws. Tyson's response was to take this quite stoically and "gently" snap at his paws when they came within reach of her jaws. Fortunately Noggin's fearlessness was matched by Tyson's patience and this game continued for several minutes before Noggin' became distracted by the cursor moving across the computer screen.

Noggin is quite a character; very inquisitive and always the first to investigate anything new in the house. It is Noggin who has learnt that the alarm goes off at seven and can be found purring by your ear at five minutes ahead  of the hour because he knows that cat food is imminent.  Noggin is the mountaineer who quickly picked out the route to the summit of island in the kitchen and then leapt to each and every work surface. He has advanced further and can now leap straight from floor to work surface**.

Noggin is the cat who likes to sit in stuff and is never happier than having a box, basket or virtually any container to curl up in. 

Noggin trying out a handbag for size

 Tog, on the other hand, is completely different. He loves company and is curled up beside me now. He even likes being stroked but he is not one for being picked up or carried and is far less confident or athletic than Noggin. He is, in my opinion, stunningly handsome with broad, dark, ginger stripes covering most of his body with only his belly, chin and paws white.

He is very alert but he is not the athlete that Noggin is becoming. Tog aspires to be able to reach the worktops and has even attempted the ascent of the stool that leads to the summit of the island. Unfortunately for him he can make it to the second rung but, like many a novice mountaineer, has not sussed out how to master the overhang that is the seat...

... this is bad news for 30% and me because he is now developing the habit of climbing up the backs of our legs in an attempt to reach the kitchen surfaces. And that bloody hurts!

---

* 30% wants to rename them as she says their names are too similar and therefore confusing. 
** I know it  is not hygienic but virtually all cats do it. Even Eddy with his three legs can manage it but only if yowling at someone to lift him up fails.

From Stratford to Rugby

There is not a huge amount to report from the weekend.

I took TP in to Stratford to do some Christmas Shopping and have to say it was not the most successful of trips. To be fair a lot of that is to do with the quality of retail establishments in the town but TP's disinterest and general vagueness needs to be combined with crappy shops and the Seasonal morons crowds to give you an idea of the experience. I see a trip in to Worcester at some point next week to pick up something suitable for TP to present to 30%.

Sunday morning was the usual outing for Rugby, it was an "away" match and it did not look promising as we stood waiting for the kick-off and snow fell from a very grey sky. Fortunately the flurry was brief and the sun soon made an appearance. The opposition were very good and TP's team were soundly beaten. I have to be honest though and note that TP played with a lot more aggression, was catching and passing very well and made a couple of solid attempts for the try line only to be brought down by some sizeable opponents.  Other observations from the match are a) that the Full Back is an idiot, very keen but still an idiot, and needs to play his position or not play at all and b) the captain needs to develop some maturity and pass the ball out to the backs rather than playing like he is a team of one.

The trip home was concluded with a brief visit to the Supermarket and I bought a huge gammon joint that will become a honey roast ham subject to me finding a pan big enough to boil it in.

Oops, one slipped through ...

.... or taking the "Christmas" out of Christmas.

I think it is fair to say that I am not a huge fan of the cynical, commercialised monstrosity that Christmas has become. I'm certain that I am on solid ground when I question the motives of those behind the array of tawdry and generally useless items that appear in the shops with festive decoration and a somewhat inflated price tag.

However, even as an atheist, I understand that this is not what Christmas is truly about and I certainly respect those that wish to take time out at this time of the year to celebrate the birth of Christ. I don't have the faith and therefore need to construct a Christmas that has some meaning for me and avoids any major friction with those that worship in Church and those that worship on the High Street...

... So my Christmas has to be a  time for relaxation in the comfort of my own home and spending some quality time with friends and loved ones. There are gifts. There is a tree. There are even carols but as I get older the childish avarice is long gone and I feel that "quality time with friends and loved ones" should not be restricted to the back end of the year and hence question the relevance of Christmas as it pertains to me.

Before I go any further I need to stress that I am not anti-Christmas, it just does not have a huge amount of relevance to me and I feel somewhat coerced to conform. I suppose it is a bit like the Office Party. It is a party and so you should be able to let your hair down and really enjoy yourself but you know that the Boss and colleagues are watching and there are rules that must be followed. Christmas is somewhat similar; it is a celebration but there are a set of unwritten rules that must be followed unquestioningly. Over the years I have reviewed and questioned many of these but breaking them seems virtually impossible in light of tradition.

Now where was I going with this ...

... Oh yes, this might seem a little "Bah Humbug" but at least I acknowledge the presence of Christmas and am happy* to take part in a "miming to the backing track" sort of way. However I am not so sure about the Senior Daemons at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. This morning I received an e-card and so I clicked the link and watched. It was a 4 minute video in which 34 General Managers of the Organisation passed on a Seasonal Greeting. "Fair enough" you might think, but in those 34 Seasonal messages the word Christmas was only mentioned once. Yep ONCE. The actual script seemed to be a repetitive variation on the theme of "Happy Holidays" and "Have a Great New Year".

Now I am wondering whether this message was intentionally constructed in this way to avoid any offence to non-Christian colleagues because I can see no other reason why one of the two most important Christian celebrations got diluted down to "Have a Happy Holiday and a great 2012" by 33 out of 34 speakers .

I'm not a Christian but am quite annoyed by what appears to be a sanitisation of a religious message. Whether it be Diwali,  Eid, Christmas or Hanukkah, their religious festivals should be acknowledged and celebrated not sanitised and euphemised.

Rant over.

---

* "happy ish"

Russell Howard at the LG Arena

Wednesday; the onslaught of inactivity is overwhelming!

The one scheduled conference call was cancelled, although this was actually fortunate as it coincided with the only "must do" on my agenda viz collecting TP from school at 3.30 and running him over to the Dentist.  Other than that and a walk my day was very quiet.

The evening saw a trip over to the LG Arena in Birmingham to see Russell Howard's Right Here, Right Now show. It was a fun evening of mostly observational comedy and 30% had arranged some fantastic seats only 20 or so rows back from the stage. Highlight of the evening for me was the tale of the West Country man whose daughter's pet mouse had died. He glued it to a toy motorbike and then buried it in the garden ...

... to really mess up a future episode of Time Team.

I have to be honest and say that although I enjoyed the show it wasn't the best piece of stand-up that I have seen. The audience loved him and that created a positive atmosphere that helped the show along but some of the material was not as honed as others on the circuit at the moment.

In his defence it must be very challenging to write a show and get up and perform when there are so many satellite TV channels showing comedy at the moment. The editing of those shows ensure that only the best gags from the best performers are featured and therefore sets a very high bar for a live performance.

Nothing, nada, naught, zero, zilch ... to see here !

It has been a very quiet couple of days here at The Pile. To say that work was on a slow simmer is an extreme exaggeration and I have been forced to regularly return to the pan just to make sure that the gas hasn't gone out.

Monday would have come and gone with nothing worthy of mention if it hadn't been for the encounter with Vetus homo iratus on my walk...

... its probably best if I leave it at that*.

Tuesday was slightly busier as I made a start on getting to grips with the new project that looks to kick off early in the New Year. I read through a few documents and, whilst I have a better understanding of what is going on, I have to admit that they raise more questions than they answer. I see a phone call with The States in the very near future to try to get an idea of what it is they exactly want from us. I also expect them to be very disappointed when I raise a few legal and corporate restrictions against that which they are proposing.

---

* You will note, however, that this entry is NOT entitled "Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes..."

Foxes, Fenton and Fallow Deer

Sunday started with the regular trip down to the Rugby Club. It was a training session so 30% and I dumped TP and took T&M for a walk.

We found a lovely circular route that took us out over the local farmland and through a parcel of woodland before dropping us back at the training pitch. The dogs had an absolute blast; charging here, there and everywhere with their noses pushed in to whatever they could find. Unfortunately one of their "finds" was a large pile of fox shit and the sods managed to roll in it before we could call them off. This meant that a bath was on the agenda as soon as we got home. We also nearly had a "Fenton" * moment while we were walking through the woods ...

.... as we wandered down the path I heard a rustle away to my right and turned to see three Fallow Deer running through through the trees less than twenty yards away. T&M were off like rockets charging after them. Marauder gave up pretty quickly but Tyson was pretty intent and charged off in to the distance. She came back after a couple of minutes of calling covered in leaves, twigs and other woodland debris. Having discovered the delights of chasing deer she remained absolutely wired for the rest of the walk in the anticipation of another encounter.

Once home the dogs were bathed and lunch was eaten. I then set about stacking the logs that had been delivered earlier in the week. I must have curried favour with the Gods as the logs have sat there for most of the week and not a drop of rain has fallen. In fact it was only as I stacked the last few that the heavens opened and it poured down. RESULT.

The rest of the day was a fairly usual Sunday. I took a trip over to Chippy Ian's for a natter, a cuppa and to settle a recent debt. I then returned home and set to with the hot air gun and completed the door frame  at the foot of the stairs. After stripping away coats of paint I have uncovered a fine elm frame that will be oiled and waxed rather than hiding its charms under a coat of white gloss.

All in all it was quite a productive day.

---

* For the benefit of the blissfully unaware; this is a reference to the internet meme that is currently circulating showing a black Labrador chasing deer in Richmond Park to the complete distress of it's owner. The anguished shout of "Fenton, Fenton, FENTON ...... Oh Jesus Christ!" must strike a chord with any dog owner.

Lady Bracknell summed it up quite nicely

Today I was out on the Three Miler a little after nine o'clock. The reason for the early start was that we planned to spend a good chunk of the day in Birmingham on a reconnoitre for 30%'s Christmas present. Since T&M were to be home alone for a good few hours it only seemed fair for them to have their constitutional before we departed.

For quite some time 30% has yearned for a Mulberry handbag. She has many handbags and is regularly to be found scouring eBay for another "must have"  bag*. However these are nothing when compared to the items of fascination, nay adoration and worship, that are displayed on the Mulberry website**.

Well today was the day and Selfridges was our first point of call to finally move from the visual to the tactile.  They didn't have the particular bag 30% desired but showed some of the finest customer service I have ever experienced when they phoned a competitor who had the right model albeit not in the desired colour and even gave us explicit directions on how to get there. Fifteen minutes later we in Harvey Nichols and 30% was wafted to handbag heaven...

... and now, or rather in fifteen days, she will have the handbag of her dreams. The funny thing is that it is a completely different design and a completely different colour from the one she thought she wanted.

 ---

*There is a long standing joke that it is I that has the handbag collection since it seems to be my Paypal account that is used whenever payment is due.
** I'm guessing that the sensation is similar to me finding a mint condition Ducati 900 SS (1991 to 1998) with FSH, one careful owner, low mileage (all dry) etc etc etc

 

Air Dried Ham, Day 1

The working day was spent with my head down trying to complete the spreadsheet from hell. It's not fun and seems to have no real benefit or future use but its completion is mandated and so I spent many hours locating and manipulating data because a nameless individual says I have to...

... oh well, I've nearly finished and once I have the charmless cows who are demanding it will be off my back until the next contract is signed and that will be months away.

After work, I set to and packed the leg of pork in salt. This is the first stage of the process to produce an air dried ham. A good inch of table salt is poured over the base of the box. This is then sprinkled with cracked black peppercorns and coriander seeds. The boned leg is then weighed and the cavity created by the removal of the bone is packed with salt. It is then placed in the box and further salt is added until the leg is covered with at least an inch of salt between it and the sides and base of the box. There must also be at least an inch of salt covering the meat too.

A board is placed on top of the salt and it is weighted with bricks, these should be in the region of twice the weight of the pork leg. The salted leg is now left in a cool room for a period of time calculated using the metric of 3 to 4 days per kilo of pork. The leg is 6 kilos so it is going to be salted for about 21 days. It will be New Years Eve before it sees the light of day again.

In case anyone is interested, it took approximately 27 kilos of salt to pack the leg.

Turkey or Beef?

Thursday started with a shave and presentable apparel because Christmas Lunch was on the menu at the nearest circle of hell. To be honest I wasn't particularly fussed about whether I partook of the canteen's festive offering or not but it was a good excuse to link up with Tigger and Grandad Jack for a few laughs.

The plan was just to meet up for lunch but that rapidly got enhanced to include a couple after work at the local.

Any time spent with Tigger and Jack rapidly degenerates in to a stream of ridiculous stories and daft jokes and consequently is considered time well spent.

To give some idea of how it goes here is a transcript from an Instant Message ...

bad man             Wot time are we going to the pub?

Grandad Jack     17.30

bad man             is that the year of your birth?

Grandad Jack     ‘koff

bad man             :-)

The day wasn't all fun 'n frolics though. I have been dragged back in to the deal that was signed back in the Summer and now have to spend the next few days completing the spreadsheet from hell.

The day certainly wasn't fun 'n frolics when I got home and had to spend a few moments discussing* English assessments and Work Experience placements with TP.

---

* The discussing actually went on for quite some time and did involve references to lack of preparation on TP's part and regular reminders issued by my good self and 30%. I really don't know where he gets his obstinate streak from.

I need a much bigger bag

The most important task this morning was to nip over to the Butchers to pick up the leg of pork I had ordered last Saturday.

I turned up and was shown a complete leg at a price that was too good to be true. A man with a very sharp knife in his hand advised that there was a considerable discount if I bought the whole leg …

… so I did. 15 minutes later I was walking out with the boned leg plus bones and trimmings in a separate doggy bag. I am going to end up with an absolutely enormous Prosciutto as the leg weighs a little over 13 lbs, allowing for moisture loss it is still going to be a hefty ham…

… I am also going to need considerably more salt than the 12 kilos 30% bought home a couple of days ago.

Last year’s experiment used a 3 lb shoulder joint which took about 10 kgs of salt and needed salting for about 10 days. This year I am looking at a salting period of at least 40 days using the recommended metric of 3 to 4 days per lb. I haven’t a clue how much salt I will need but I am guessing that I am looking at 20 kilos to adequately pack the leg with a minimum of an inch of salt between the meat and the sides of the box.

The leg is now sitting in the fridge whilst I buy all local stocks of salt.

On the work front I finished the critical piece of work that was dumped on me I was given on Friday. I have fired this across the Atlantic where it was received without even a murmur…

… Let’s hope that is a good sign.

Right how big are the bags of salt at Tesco?

Things to do

My Colonial Colleagues finally responded to my list of questions and, "Surprise Surprise"  they provided half arsed answers and a demand for my deliverable to be available to them in the next 48 hours.

This isn't as bad as it initially sounds as everything is very simple and very low risk. The one issue I do have is to ensure that I have covered my arse and have all boxes ticked. My Sales Administrator seems to think that I do not need to have check marks in the aforementioned containers but I note that he doesn't seem to be prepared to put that in writing and he has a certain notoriety for doing as little as is humanly possible* at work. I have therefore spent much of today ensuring that the right people know what I am doing and are given the opportunity to say "STOP"...

... so far, so good. The right people have been alerted and are making the right sorts of noises so my fingers crossed in the hope that no-one starts putting flies in the ointment.

---

* Tigger and I think he just sits out on the verandah and drinks Pimms all day.

Kicking Things Off

Monday has arrived and so I made a start on the most critical of the two pieces of work that my Charmless Manager chucked at me late on Friday afternoon. I had a quick chat with one of the Sales Support Team and most of my assumptions appear to be valid...

... it is a very simple piece of work and I just need to ensure that I adequately cover my arse and ensure that all necessary ticks are in boxes before I chuck it back across the North Atlantic. I therefore drafted a lengthy list of questions, demands and assumptions and e-mailed it over to my colleagues in The Colonies.

You can't have too many of these.

I then had a quick look at the next project and realised that that was likely to be a completely different kettle of fish* but that nothing urgent was going to come up this side of Christmas. I therefore put it to one side and will give it further consideration when boredom strikes towards the end of the week.

That basically was all I had to do on the work front. I'm not exactly maxxed out but with the Christmas Break on the horizon I hope things keep quiet until after the New Year. This time last year I was in the first iteration of my first major deal and was working right up until Christmas Eve. To be honest I hadn't really wound down from work until about 27th December and would like to be much more chilled about things this year.

The other big news from today is that 30% has managed to book us a week away in a cottage on The Gower Peninsula in February when TP is away on his skiing trip. The cottage is accessed down a rough track only suitable for 4 wheel drive vehicles and is right on the edge of a sandy bay. It looks remote and fantastic and are really looking forward to some windswept walks and evenings in front of a fire.

The only other news from today is that, in the true spirit of decoration procrastination I avoided peeling away remnants of  wallpaper on the stairs and landing and instead found a door frame that needed stripping.

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* actually more accurately described as a complete and utter bastard of a project

Nothing to see here

There is very little to report for Sunday.

It was an early start as TP had an away match so we were out of the house by quarter past nine. TP's team got beaten by a very experienced team but they put on a good show and I thought the game was very good. TP made some fine tackles and playing at Outside Centre rather than Wing seems to suit him much better. All they need to do now is have a couple of fixtures where the opposition are more closely matched to give them a much needed confidence boost.

After the match it was home for lunch and another spell in the very fresh air as I walked T&M around the Three Miler. Then it was my finest hour as I lit the log burner ...

... funnily enough, once you get one of those burning in your living room you don't tend to do much else for the rest of the day.

Home alone .. ish

30% is away for a sleepover at her friend Pinky's house. Not being one for half measures, she was away with her overnight bag at ten thirty this morning with plans for a day's shopping in Worcester followed by a visit to a Chinese Buffet and then back to the aforementioned Pinky residence for wine and relationship counselling or perhaps more precisely post-relationship counselling.

This meant that I had the house to myself apart from TP, Tyson, Marauder, Noggin, Tog, Eddie and the chickens. I make that pretty much Home Alone as, apart from feeding and watering, they pretty much take care of themselves. Some of them do need their litter tray emptying but I won't go in to that as it will embarrass TP.

The morning was taken up with a trip over to the nearest DIY store for a couple of electrical components. On the way their I popped in to one of the local Butchers and finally ordered a tunnel boned leg of pork for this year's Prosciutto. After an enjoyable chat with the Butcher an order was placed and the leg will be ready for collection on Wednesday. It will actually be half a leg rather than the full leg as that would be a huge amount of Parma ham if all went well and a very expensive mistake if it didn't.

Once back from town I spent an hour or so removing the surface mounted light switch at the foot of the stairs and replaced it with a neat recessed switch box and shiny new switch. The stairs and landing are the next project on the decorating list and at the moment I seem to be finding anything to avoid finishing the preparation. In that vein the next job to be put off for a while is stripping the remnants of the wall paper.

The rest of the afternoon was taken up with a walk and a snooze on the sofa. I awoke just in time to prepare supper for TP and I and then returned to the sofa for a quiet evening in front of the TV.

I seem to have got to the end of Saturday without mentioning last night's Sarah Millican stand up performance. So putting that right I can report that it was a great evening. She was fast and bawdy with a great blend of anecdotal jokes and improvisation based on audience interaction. I'm not quite sure what my favourite joke was but the routine about what to use when you run out of toilet paper was very funny and Sarah's choice of Flash Wipes is obviously not to be recommended.

Just when I thought I was done for the week

Before I start I'll mention that we had the first light frost of the Autumn today, It was nothing to shout about, just that the lawn was just slightly crunchy as a I wandered over to let the chickens out. 

For most of Friday I thought "there's not going to be a lot to report in The Journal today". The morning was filled with a couple of conference calls. The first was best described as a  Mother's meeting and the second covered an educational slide deck that I had already reviewed.

The afternoon included a walk around the Three Miler with T&M and by half past four I was about to close everything down as were were out early this evening to see Sarah Millican at the Warwick Arts Centre. As I was wishing Golfy a great weekend I was messaged by our Manager to to ask if I was free for a call.

I stupidly said yes and within 5 minutes had suddenly acquired two pieces of work to do. Now I don't have a problem with being given work to do it is just that the timing of the work allocation is typical of this idiot's approach. Let's recap ...

... it is 4.30 and Dante's Nine Circles of Hell is notorious in the Industry for everyone knocking off at lunchtime on a Friday. Now this might be a slight exaggeration but realistically what am I supposed to do with a couple of new projects in the next 30 minutes before I finish for the week? Most of the relevant contacts will have the same view as me and will want to leave things until Monday so why didn't my Manager?

I'll tell you why, because a) he doesn't appear to have the ability to analyse how his actions are perceived by others and b) I really don't think he understands how people tick. Who in their right mind would give a member of their team a new piece of work thirty minutes before the start of the weekend? What was he expecting me to do with it?

IS IT ME?

Thursday's News

Hmmm! Apparently yesterday's Journal entry has caused a bit of a kerfuffle. On opening this morning's post it became apparent that Amnesty International (Domestic Appliance, Power Tool and Garden Equipment Division) are not at all happy about the Tumble Dryer.

To be honest this isn't the first time I have been the subject of their scrutiny as anyone who is familiar with the malevolent practises of the notorious criminal lawn mower will know. However, following the disappearance under mysterious circumstances sad passing away of the lawn mower coupled with the fact that the replacement is treated like a Thoroughbred Stallion, I thought that they had lost interest and I would be allowed to govern here at The Pile without unwanted external interference ...

... but no, I now have a 15,000 word report summarising my alleged crimes against electrical and petrol powered devices and advising that a whole new investigation is under way following anonymous reports that a Tumble Dryer named Beko has been incarcerated without trial in a cellar at The Pile.

I am now in the process of drafting a carefully worded response to their allegations. To be honest I should treat the report for the nonsense it is and simply ignore it, but it is another quiet day so I have pulled together a few notes ...

... The main thrust of my reply will be based on the treatment given to other appliances at home. After all lets have a look at the Slow Cooker. Despite taking forever to do anything that inverted tortoise of a contraption is treated like Royalty. It sits on the worktop snug in its own electrically heated jacket and after each use it is lovingly hand washed in warm soapy water, then towelled dry and carefully placed back in its base. Are those the actions of a Despot who treats appliances like dirt under his feet? I think not.

Then there is the chain saw that I am on record as declaring my undying admiration for and, of course, the Porn Mower whose perfection has been recounted on several occasions. This is without even starting on the care and attention that the Motorcycles get.

Basically I think the AI (Domestic Appliance division)* are operating outside of their remit here. I think after careful consideration they will see that a) my treatment of powered goods is superior to that of most Developed Nation States and that b) they have no bloody jurisdiction here at The Pile anyway.

As a closing statement I would just like to point out that any Domestic Appliance that likes to have women's underwear stuffed in it's mouth is likely to quite enjoy being chained to a wall in a dark cellar!

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* What this comes down to is the embarrassing lack of action on their part when Tony Hawks ** kidnapped a Fridge, smuggled it across International borders and literally dragged it around a foreign country for his own entertainment and profit ***. This is the White Goods equivalent of a Dancing Bear!
** No, not the fucking skateboarder you illiterate
*** Round Ireland with a Fridge by Tony Hawks (Ebury Press)

Slow Day

Bloody Hell! What am I going to write about today? If Monday and Tuesday were "quiet" Wednesday was like an empty Morgue...

... TP was off school today due to the strike being held by the Civil and Public Service "workers". He decided to take a trip in to Worcester with a couple of his mates so my working day was only slightly disrupted by his day care requirements viz collection from the City Walls Road Car Park at four o'clock and the writing of a cheque for his Guitar lesson. Other than that, I barely felt his presence.

Golfy and I had an extended work discussion that covered a variety of key subject areas*, none of which I can recall, but that took up a good chunk of the morning.

I also managed to relocate the new tumble dryer from the hall to the cellar where it will be chained to the wall, in the damp darkness and will be expected to perform it's drying duties without thanks until it expires like the last one**.

After lunch I took T&M for a walk and had yet another gossiping session with Golfy before departing on the aforementioned mission to Worcester.

The evening saw me in charge of cooking supper which, with the assistance of a call from 30%, was timed to perfection and was served up within 5 minutes of her walking through the door at 7:15.

That's just about it for Wednesday.

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*50% gossip, 30% nonsense, 4% work, 15% death threats and general ill wishes to fellow workers
** a little harsh perhaps but 30% won't allow me to incarcerate anyone without trial down there so I have the Tumble Dryer in the iron mask and imagine the rest.

Virgin on the ridiculous!

It was another quiet day today. I did however instigate a piece of Manager Manipulation or, as Golfy puts it, major creeping...

... every week we have a team call and, for some strange reason, the Chair is usually too busy to host it so I end up with the job and the resulting minutes. To be honest I don't mind. Its not a tough gig and and my idiot Boss probably thinks its a more significant activity than it actually is.

To say my manager is a bit geeky is a bit like saying that the Pope is slightly catholic and, for balance, that the Devil may not have you best interests at heart when he directs you to Molten Brimstone Pool#14. Yes, he absolutely loves technology* and will spend hours farting around to automate an activity when a repeating meeting invite and a couple of emails will do the trick. My perception manipulation creeping was to emulate this technology fetish and perform a similar activity for the weekly team meeting. I had a Mmwahaha moment as I removed another potential area of criticism from the nitpicking idiot's list of doom.

Other News: on a fairly frequent basis the tabloids will print a picture of a crisp or slice of toast that bears a slight resemblance to an iconic figure such as Jesus or the Virgin Mary.  Quite how anyone knows what Jesus or TVM actually looks like mystifies me since they both pre-date the daguerreotype by the best part of two millennia.  What they are actually saying is that they have found a potato that looks like Robert Powell** or the front cover of The Ladybird book; The little lord Jesus...

... I may have rambled off there but I am slowly getting the point. Today I went for one of my 5-a-day and found this in the fruit bowl

Its a bloody miracle

If you look closely in the right lighting you can see that it bears a slight resemblance to a Virgin Atlantic airliner. I'm guessing that its just not clear enough to be picked up by The Press.

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* My Manager. I'm not sure whether the Devil is a Mac User or not.
** Powell played the lead in Jesus of Nazareth in the 1970's