Don't you hate being right

It was another Red  Letter Day today when my Manager pinged me to let me know how much bonus I was to be awarded after a hard year of pushing rocks uphill. I was pleasantly surprised and the news couldn't have come at a better time as one of my teeth is starting to ache, my Land Rover needs some love and attention and ...

... as predicted last Thursday, my suspicions about Canon's customer service were proved right today when Canon UK confirmed that they had absolutely no interest in the faulty camera I bought in America and that I should bugger off and annoy their US colleagues. After some choice invective I decided to attempt this and found that Canon's US web-sites will only allow US residents to raise Service Requests and that non-residents should contact their local Canon Group ...

... Urghh! This was starting to go round in circles. My local Canon Group had already expressed a complete lack of interest and when I phoned again the Customer Service Representative could not grasp the issue and suggested that I use "snail mail" to link up with the US to open my warranty claim. My remonstrations that I could not be the first person to have this issue and the fact that their web applications would not allow me to open a US warranty claim fell on deaf ears and they simply gave an insincere apology and advised that they would be more than happy to fix the camera if I was prepared to pay.

By now I was fucking fuming. Rather than ruin my evening I sat down and wrote a long, detailed and in some places illustrated e-mail of complaint that pointed out the deficiencies of their Global Operating model, their lack lustre Customer Service and their crappy product quality. I hit send safe in the knowledge that someone at Canon was going to wince when they opened that one.

To be fair, the legitimate punishment for poor customer service should be to be flayed and then dipped in a warm salt bath while the recipient of the poor service watches and occasionally shoots vinegar at you from a Super Soaker water pistol.... Too strong?

Weekend Round Up

Saturday: Overdue Tasks 

For the first time in a fortnight I am at home for the weekend and my stated aim was to have some "down time". The preceding week had been demanding and I really didn't feel like running around. As a consequence much of the morning was spent clipping Tyson & Marauder. This was a job that was regularly interrupted for coffee breaks whilst the clipper blades cooled and were oiled. We had let the dogs coats grow over the Winter and, with Spring approaching, it was time for them to be shorn. It is amazing how skinny they look after their 3" long coats are reduced to 1/8th of an inch.

The shearing was followed by lunch and then a walk. I then set about connecting a first generation Apple TV* to the television in the bedroom. This was a fairly straightforward exercise and we now have access to the video library upstairs too.

As an aside, I needed to buy an HDMI lead to install the Apple TV. I had bought a couple of these a few weeks ago when I installed the 2nd Gen ATV in the living room and literally winced at the cost of these cables which can easily exceed £20 depending on the cable length. It is possible to pay silly money for these leads. With Christmas credit card bills still fresh in my mind I therefore bought a 1m HDMI cable from Amazon for the princely sum of £1.59 including postage. It was so cheap I worked on the principle that if it was rubbish I was prepared to loose a couple of quid and step out and pay a tenner for a replacement...

... No Need! The cable was perfect; well manufactured and did exactly what was required of it. I am now wondering what the profit margin is on some of these cables and how their manufacturers would attempt to justify the price differentials.

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* Purchased from Tigger

Sunday: Red Letter Day

TP had Rugby practice this morning so 30% and I made best use of the time by taking T&M for a good walk around the fields and woods just over the road from the club. The weather was splendid and  we covered the best part of four miles while TP got muddy diving in to tackle bags.

In the afternoon I had another go at the dogs and clipped their faces. I just need to do their feet now but they are not that keen on having their toes clipped; ticklish perhaps?

After that I settled in front of the TV to watch the Scotland:France match but couldn't keep my eyes open and ended up snoring on the sofa. It seemed like I had spent a good chunk of the day avoiding watching rugby.

The title of today's entry comes from the fact that a long awaited e-mail finally arrived in my in-box this morning...

... hopefully Tigger got one too.

Contact

After a text and two voicemails I finally managed to grab Tim Hyett's attention today. The Ducati has been in his workshop since last October and I wondered whether he had got round to the light refurbishments we had planned. He sent a text advising that the exhausts had been polished and the engine cases were about to be painted. All being well she should be ready for collection in a couple of weeks.

Other than that, the day was fairly uneventful. The project deliverable was finally sent to the Lead Team in the US and I made a few loose plans to occupy my time over the next couple of weeks.

I also found a few minutes to download the holiday photos and was quite pleased with this one.

Pwll Du Bay, February 2012

Finishing things ... and starting things

The weather today was quite astonishing. Yesterday I had to hold on to my hat as I climbed the hill to stop the wind blowing it clean away. The skies were grey and it felt cold and damp. Today is the complete opposite; the skies are blue and I wish I had left my fleece at home as the temperature climbed in to the high teens.

There are no work tales today as my plan is to now have a very gentle second half to the week. There is still a final, tedious task to be done but it is a one man job and I, fortunately, am not that man. All being well Friday will be a very early finish.

I finally got around to finishing off the bacon that I started curing a few weeks back.  It had spent the past two weeks wrapped in muslin and hanging from the rafters in the garage. There was no specific reason for this. It was just that I needed somewhere cool to keep it while I was occupied by work and our holiday in Wales. The belly joint has now been sliced and I have just over two pounds of Streaky Bacon to freeze. The cured cheeks have been cubed and these produced nearly three pounds of lardons. Most of these have been batched, packed and frozen but I held back half a pound and made Spaghetti Carbonara for Supper this evening. This culinary effort was judged a success by TP and 30%* and I must admit I was quite pleased with it myself.

I also need to give warning of a possible rant about Canon in the near future. After a week away in Wales with the EOS Rebel T2i that I bought in the States last year I can confirm that it is most definitely not right.  On occasions the mirror will lock up when taking a shot and this can only be rectified by turning it off, removing the battery and then replacing and turning it back on. It also doesn't seem to like being used in a "portrait" mode and has a tendency to do nothing but tell me to replace the battery pack. I rang the Canon Customer Service Desk to lodge a warranty claim and they advised that I need to send it back to the US as that is where I bought the camera. I pointed out that they were a global company and that was not acceptable adding that the only reason I bought the camera out there was because my EOS 350D's shutter failed on the first day of my holiday. They chap on the Service Desk took pity and raised a ticket and I now need to wait to see if Canon UK will take pity on me and repair the faulty camera...

... I found it quite ironic that I was being told that I needed to progress this with Canon in the US rather than the UK when Canon UK uses a Dutch Service Desk. It seems to support my view that they are a Global Organisation and should operate as one. Rant not yet started.

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* 30% did have an ulterior motive in getting me to cook supper as she knew it would prompt me to replace the blown light bulb over the cooker.

And Relax

The title of this Journal entry would more normally be seen heralding the weekend but it seems appropriate for today too.

As may be guessed, the Review Call went quite well and I have been given a green light to send my materials and costs over to the US to be built in to a Global response for the client. I did think the Senior Daemon's comments about lacking a unique selling point were a little churlish in view of the fact that a) my scope was incredibly restricted and b) the Americans dictate the overall design. Never mind, at least he said "Yes".

All I need to do now are some housekeeping duties and get everything sent out to The States. The pressure is obviously considerably reduced and I can, as the title states, relax a little. I found time this afternoon to step away from the desk and take T&M for their first walk around the Three Miler since returning from Wales last week. I also finished work at a civilised hour and was able to fall in to a persistent vegetative state on the sofa until bed beckoned and sleep followed rapidly after the News at Ten.

Pre-match Jitters

Today is the day before my Project Review call with the Vice President of our Organisation. He is a very senior Daemon indeed and it is he that gives the ultimate thumbs up before I can package my deliverables and send them over to my American colleagues. As a consequence much of today has been spent tweaking my Presentation Deck and chasing up fragments of information just in case a tricky question is asked.

I have done a few of these review calls now and I can honestly say that they get better as you do more of them but I am most definitely not at all comfortable with them. It is fair to say that I just want to leap forward fifteen or sixteen hours and get this damned call out of the way.

I recall the first review I presented where the pre-call adrenaline had me jumping around like a maniac and I can definitely confirm that they don't call it a "fight or flight" reflex for nothing.  I suppose just wanting to get it out of the way is a definite improvement and I wonder how many more I need to do before a) the stress does me in or b) I see it on the same level of annoyance as taking the wheelie bin out in the rain.

As a diversion I did end up pouring oil on waters that had been troubled by Judge Dread. He had managed to totally alienate a European colleague from whom he required an approval. As a result I had to step in, get a call arranged, provide a slide deck and then host the call as JD felt that it was best if he kept quiet ...

... it's not like I had anything else to do!

As I make this Journal entry I know that everything is as it is. There is no time to make any further changes. I just hope that I have done enough and there are no glaring errors.

Roll on eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.

Chiefs & Indians

Monday involved a trip to the nearest Circle of Hell to perform a Hand Back with Tigger. Most of the day was spent in a windowless room staring at a PowerPoint Presentation projected on to one of the walls. Tigger had done a fine job of keeping the ship on a steady course and all being well we should be in to Port some time on Wednesday.

That is not to say that there aren't a few last minute activities that need to be completed and tomorrow's agenda seems to be mostly chasing for stuff that should have been completed a good few days back.11th Hour changes are common place in this job which means that we are all kept on our toes right until the very last minute.

This is why I was somewhat miffed to find that Judge Dread had managed to annoy one of his European colleagues to the point of them declining to discuss an issue any further and I was being dragged in to sort out his problems...

... talk about spilling milk and then just wandering off!

By five o'clock my head refused to take in any more information and it was time for home. TP had completed his first day of work experience at a local Engineering firm and was almost* vociferous in recounting tales of his first day at work. 30%, like me, had returned to work after a week away and had a mountain of unread mails in her in-box. I'm not sure what she did with hers but I just filed mine and relied on Tigger to point out the nasty ones.

The title of today's entry comes from the saying "Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians". There were times today when four of us deliberating over a problem tended to make it bigger rather than solve it faster. It was so much easier on the last project when it was just Tigger and Pooh bumbling along, each knowing the best time to stop for lunch and elevenses, twelvses and threeses and who was best at sharpening the sticks or counting all the numbers...

...Happy Days, I really miss the old team. In fact I think I may demand a return to the Hundred Acre Wood if the client wants us to take our wet finger out of the air, dry it and do stuff properly.

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* ALMOST. He is 15 and usually manages a grunt at best. In this instance almost vociferous means a limited number of complete sentences

Weekend Round Up

It is Sunday evening and I am finally at home. The past 36 hours have been spent as "responsible adult" accompanying TP on his mini Rugby Tour. To be honest it was OK but, if I am even more honest, after a week away in Wales the last thing I wanted to do was to schlep down South in advance of what is going to be a hectic and critical week at work.

So let's start with Saturday; we drove down to Twickenham where we took a tour of the home of the English Rugby Team. This was vaguely interesting but was it worth driving the best part of 100 miles for? ...

... No, not really. I like watching the game but I am not so obsessed that I want to examine the venue. If we think about this in greater depth would athletics fans want to examine a 400m running track and do Formula 1 fans want to look at the pit lane and vacant garages? I am guessing that the hard core fans might but I most definitely do not fall in to that category.

After the tour we walked across to the Harlequins Ground to watch the evening match against the Worcester Warriors. This was a pleasant one mile walk during which the heavens opened and ensured that we were all thoroughly soaked. I then sat in a wet seat and watched a match where both teams were playing in mud-brown after a quarter of an hour. This meant that I was a) freezing cold and b) had problems identifying who had the ball. It was actually quite a good match but the near freezing temperature made a decent job of removing any enjoyment.

The match finished around half past seven and the car was a welcome shelter from the cold and wet as we then drove up to Didcot for our overnight stop. This was a cheap hotel and an average meal. Nothing to complain about but nothing to praise either.

Sunday dawned and we took a short drive over to Wallingford for the lad's match. I think it fair to say that the opposition were very, very good and TP's team did well to score a couple of Trys in the face of such opposition.

After the match it should then have been a simple drive up the M40 to get home but we then seemed to enter a low budget Horror Movie from the 1970s. For some reason Wallingford did not want us to leave...

... let me explain. First we needed diesel so used the Sat Nav to locate a Petrol Station. The nearest one was temporarily closed to received a fuel delivery, the next one the Sat Nav suggested didn't actually exist and the third one was inaccessible due to a Police road closure. Remember this it is important later one. We finally found fuel a few miles away and finally hit the "take me home" button on the Sat Nav.

There I was thinking "that is it, the Rugby Tour is finally over, in an hour or so I'll be home". How wrong was I? At every turn the Sat Nav insisted on taking us back to the road that had been closed by the Police. We tried several evasive manoeuvres but every time it kept taking up back to this bloody road block. I think it fair to say that I was not a Happy Bunny. I was tired and just wanted to be home but Wallingford was not playing fair. It seemed that the only road to the Motorway was blocked and we would be doomed to spend eternity circling a very middle-class Oxfordshire town.

Eventually TP managed to make sense of the map and we headed North. I am sure that I saw sinister dark figures in pursuit as we sped away towards Oxford.

Revolving Doors

We're home again after our week in Wales but in my case only briefly. Tomorrow TP* and I are off for the mini rugby tour ...

... I can hardly wait; a behind the scenes tour of Twickenham, a night in a cheap hotel with people who at best can be described as acquaintances and the lads will play on Sunday. I think it's fair to say I would rather be at home.

We returned home to a raucous greeting from Eddy who had stayed at home and been tended to by VI. 30% thought he was pleased to see us. I am much more fluent in feline and am pretty sure his miaowing was best translated as "turn the thermostat up, it's been bloody freezing in here".

There's not a lot more to say about today, just the regular unpacking and restocking that follows any trip away.

* TP is only just returned too from his skiing trip in Italy. Apparently is was great and no bones were broken. Well, none of his anyway.

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Knackered

The plan for this morning was to take a walk along Broughton Bay but some iffy signage, or lack thereof, meant that we actually ended up on the sands of Rhosilli Bay once again.

This was not a major issue and we all enjoyed the space and solitude at the far end of this fine beach.

After lunch we scrutinised the map and had another go at reaching Broughton Bay. This time we parked up in Cwm Ivy and after a walk across the dunes were soon walking towards Whiteford Sands. We had some unexpected entertainment as the RAF were practising bombing runs just across the water on the Cefn Sidan ranges.

By the end of the afternoon we were all shattered and even T&M lacked any enthusiasm for chasing a ball so it was back to the cottage for our last evening before we return home tomorrow.


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Coastal Views

This morning we wandered out of Pwll Du Bay and took the cliff path towards Caswell Bay. For virtually all of its mile and three quarter length the path hugs the cliff edge with precipitous drops to the sea below.

The views were splendid and Caswell Bay gave T&M an opportunity to chase after a ball and we treated ourselves to coffee and a cake at the cafe at the head of the bay.

After "elevenses" we returned the way we had came and lunched back at the cottage.

The afternoon saw us try the coastal path in the opposite direction. This was a much rougher track and after a steep climb up through the woods we were eventually rewarded with views across towards Three Cliffs Bay.

Aching calves and the threat of rain meant that the original plan to loop back through Bishopston Valley was curtailed and we cut back across Pwll Du head and were soon back home.

This evening the plan is to drive up to the village and try the menu at The Joiners Inn.


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Location:Pwll Du Bay

Bishopston Valley Walk

Today the Land Rover stayed parked up and we left Pwll Du Bay on foot.

Our route took us up through the woods of Bishopston Valley and after a couple of miles we arrived at the edge of the village. After another mile we were stood in front of the Valley Inn wondering if they were "dog friendly"...

... they were, and we were soon settled in the bar and doing our best to get on the outside of a couple of G&Ts and the Fisherman's Platter.

Refuelled we took the rough track back to the cottage that clings to the edge of the cliff.



The views of the bay are fantastic but the overcast skies are not great for photographs. Still, it would be churlish to complain about the weather as it is the middle of February and so far we have had no rain.

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Location:Gower Peninsula

Body Count

Marauder's holiday hobby seems to be the location of as many dead things as possible. The body count thus far is as follows:-

Seals (advanced state of decomposition) ... 2
Cat (also well rotted) ... 1
Bass (lacking eyes,presumably due to Gulls) ... 1

God knows what she will find tomorrow!


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Location:The Gower Peninsula

Another Day, Another Bay

Today saw us drive a few miles down the road and walk out and back across the two mile arc of Oxwich Bay.

It was another grey and cloudy day but the rain held off and we had a fine walk across the sands as the tide retreated.



A late lunch was taken at the Oxwich Hotel. They welcomed dogs and, after some initial fidgeting, T&M settled under the table with only occasional bribes to keep them quiet. This is their first ever venture inside a hostelry and I am amazed at how good they were.

Back at the cottage the log burner is lit and a quick walk across the bay is planned before we settle in for the evening.


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Location:Oxwich Bay

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crime. No. 10 in an occasional series

The tide was right in at Pwll Du this morning, with the waves washing against the mound of rounded cobbles that stands between the cottages and the bay.

The was hardly any beach to walk on so we climbed in to the Defender and drove over to Rhossili with its 3 mile arc of sandy bay.

Having parked up we clambered down the steep path to the bay and stood in the still cool air taking in the view under the grey cloudy sky ...

... Meanwhile Marauder found a decomposing seal carcass and proceeded to roll vigorously against it.

I'm guessing the is no chance of a pub lunch after our six mile walk but the need for a bath before she is allowed back in the cottage is an absolute certainty.


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Location:Rhossili Bay

Going Away

TP is away in Northern Italy skiing so 30% and I decided to take advantage of his absence and spend our 10th anniversary with T&M in a cottage in a secluded bay in South Wales.



The cottage is situated at the end of a rutted dirt track that winds its way down the side of a valley in to the bay and the final obstacle is a river to be forded before the destination is reached. Needless to say we took the Defender rather than 30%'s Seat.

So here I sit cosy beside the log burner with a glass of St Emilion feeling very relaxed. How different from 48 hours ago ...

... This break has been booked for weeks. As a result my request for leave was submitted weeks ago too. I flagged up the need for a stand-in at work verbally more than a month ago and my written request for support was dispatched a good three weeks ago. So why, dear reader, does it take my fuck-wit of a manager until Thursday to provide me with a name leaving a little over one working day to get them up to speed with a hundred million dollar project at a critical point in its design process...

... and why does he seem to do his best to avoid selecting Tigger who has a huge amount of valid experience and instead try to lumber me with an able chap who has no previous experience?

I could go on at length about requests for me and my supporting chap to cancel our leave and the failed commitment to provide resource on Tuesday and then on Wednesday...

... the man seems to have some perverse agenda that seems to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. To be honest he seems to be totally out of his depth. It is getting to the point where my colleagues and I are totally bemused.

But now I am going to put that arse out of my mind safe in the knowledge that somewhere common sense prevailed and Tigger is minding the shop.

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Location:The Gower Peninsula

Snowy Sunday

The two or three inches of snow that fell last night was already starting to melt when I ventured out to let out the chickens. There was still a decent layer but the temperatures were well above freezing and the white blanket already had a soggy, heavy texture that told of a rapid melt rather than a slow, lingering covering.

Rugby training had been understandably cancelled so the dogs were walked early. This gave the maximum amount of drying time before they were allowed in the lounge. TP also disappeared early for a sledging session with his mates at a nearby farm.

After lunch I spent a happy hour sorting out the Apple TV. I have finally finished ripping our video library and have over 300 titles sat on an external drive so you can imagine my frustration when the Apple TV periodically decides to forget my WEP password or simply refuses to integrate with my media library on the i-Mac. This is pretty unusual for Apple gear which is usually very good at this sort of thing and I am hoping that this re-configuration will put the connectivity problems to bed.

The rest of the day involved the Ireland vs Wales match, the packing of TP's case for his skiing trip, much sitting by the fire and plenty of TV watching...

... did I mention the analysis of QA Delegation conditions? Probably not!

My Good Deed for the Day?

I woke this morning with a nagging feeling that I had to get up for work. The relief as the mental fog cleared and I realised it was Saturday was enormous.

Today's  plans were not far off non-existent if I am to be totally honest. We had sort of agreed to pop over to the Rugby Club for a Pizza Evening combined with the Six Nations Calcutta Cup match on the TV in the Bar but, if I am truly honest, I don't think we were ever going to drag ourselves out particularly if the forecast snow arrived.

But I am getting ahead of myself;  after a leisurely start to the day a few flakes appeared on the wind and I put on hat and coat to walk T&M before it really started to snow. I was just about to leave the house when our local Community Support Officer appeared on the door step. He was following up on Thursday's call. Basically he was looking for our agreement for him to go and make contact with the miscreant and, in his own words, "go and give him an old-fashioned bollocking". We agreed and he disappeared with a glint in his eye. There is a bit of history between him and this family and I think he was quite looking forward to this opportunity to pay them a call.

The rest of the day was a fairly lazy Saturday. The dogs got walked. The bacon I have been preparing was removed from the cure, soaked, dried and wrapped and is now hanging from a couple of meat hooks in the kitchen.

In the early afternoon, the snow started and the fire got lit. As predicted, the trip to the club got written off and we settled in front of the fire to watch the rugby with the occasional wander to the window to see how deep the snow was...

... and that would be the end of today's entry if it wasn't for 30%'s concern about a motorist who had pulled in to the nearby lay-by. The driver's windscreen wipers had broken and she was understandably having difficulties driving in falling snow. It transpired that she only lived a few miles up the road so we chucked her and her belongings in the back of the Defender and took her on to her destination. That could be regarded as my good deed for the day but to be honest I do love a drive out in the snow and her misfortune gave us the perfect opportunity to get it off the drive.

We do like a snowy adventure in the Land Rover.

Well, I've made it to Friday

It's Friday and I appear to have fallen in to a pattern of twice weekly blogging or, as it is known in these parts, "Scobi's Trap". Apparently this is a very difficult thing to get out of as can be seen if you look at Golfy's Blog. Some may say that he may well be falling in to "Stretch's Abyss of Nothingness" but I know he will keep it together.

As it may be guessed by my lack of output, it has been a bit of a busy one and, for the past three days, once I have managed to extract myself from the laptop the last thing I wanted to was go back to it for recreational purposes*.  So here is my round up of the week. Incidentally don't you be looking for fun and excitement it is drudge and grind with a glimpse of Bad Man Senior's Dark Side on Friday.

Wednesday - He'll have us all in Gaol
Today's title refers to the chap in America who is leading the Global Project. Let's call him Cowboy Kevin. He is a real charmer until you spend a few minutes analysing what he does and doesn't say. He doesn't like to be questioned and if you raise a difficult issue he will talk over the top of you rather than let you explain the situation so that it can be understood and resolved. Basically he is an arrogant Fuck.

Also he doesn't appear to like my e-mails because he reads them and then refuses to answer them. Basically he doesn't like difficult questions and in this game you have to like dealing with difficult questions.

Well today he told us that our project scope would include being responsible for a range of services immediately after the Contract has been signed. ** There is a teensy, weensy issue with that approach and unfortunately I can't go in to too much detail here due to confidentiality but lets just say that his approach contravened a number of European laws and would have resulted in a number of quite senior Daemons at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell  being at risk of imprisonment.

The net result of this was a series of calls running in to the evening that put the US team back on the right track and, although they have not totally backed down, they now acknowledge that their approach will not work for Europe...

... Note to self: find a few minutes tomorrow to set out the European position and send it to Cowboy Kevin copying the great and the good and our Legal people.

Thursday - More Risky Business
Thursday involved a trip down to my nearest Circle of Hell to be trained in the use of our Risk Logging Tool. Up until now I have used a simple spreadsheet / e-mail combination for risk management but this is a Beast of a tool. A lot of people don't like it but, having had an introduction and started to enter in some of the serious risks on the latest escapade, I can advise that it is a bit of a slog to get them logged and that it takes a conscious effort to ensure that it is regularly updated but, in the long term, it will be well worth the effort...

... "look in the Tool" is far easier to type in response to an e-mail than a trawl around my mail archives to find the particular communication that a person wants to see.

The rest of the working day was spent in conference calls and meetings. The majority of these did nothing to move the Beast forward. In fact, the majority of these calls seemed to be to ensure that the team were up to speed .... Communication rather than Resolution.  I know that both are necessary but with the amount of time I have available I need to have far more resolution and communication needs to be concise and not repeated - SMIs Take Note!

Thursday evening saw me just want to vegetate in front of the fire. I did manage the fire element of that desire but vegetating was not going to happen. Instead I spent an hour or so chatting with a very nice Community Support Officer about some local Youths who now seem to be moving away from harmless pranks in to the realms of vandalism and assault.  I'm not sure where this will end up but I'm guessing that there is more going on than meets the eye.

Friday - Playing Games
The title actually relates to Bad Man senior rather than me.

Today BMS called round for lunch and a chat. If I am really honest I have so much work on that I really didn't have time but I could tell that he really wanted to get away from the house and so I made an early start and planned a later than normal Friday finish so that I could switch off the laptop for an hour or so in the middle of the day.

What actually happened was that I spend the first forty minutes of his visit with a 'phone glued to my ear and he was left to potter and chat to Tyson and Marauder***.

Right, the playing of games, let me explain; BMS is eighty later this year. Step Mum Sue will also be 60 and this year is also their 25th Wedding anniversary. Basically there is a need for a bit of a celebration in the Summer. Add to this that I have two sisters that I don't have any contact with and things get a bit sticky when it comes to Family Gatherings.

Now BMS fully understands the position of me and my sisters as he also has a sister he almost never has any contact with but he does occasionally like to stir things up ...

... Last Sunday the Sisters were at BMS's house for Lunch and the conversation turned to his upcoming Birthday celebrations. This was the point at which BMS pointed out that they could arrange what they liked but they had better ensure that bad man. 30% and TP were on the invitee list or he wouldn't be turning up.  Apparently there was, what is known in the trade as,  a tumble weed moment. This was only dissipated when Brother-in-law**** asked for another glass of wine.

Now BMS knows that there is so much distance (geographically and in outlook) between me and my sisters that it would be better for all of us if we did not attend but there are times when he does like to make my sisters squirm and feel very awkward ...

... it is rare that his manipulative side ever shows itself as he is a very straightforward man but it is quite amusing to see that he has put his two controlling daughters in an uncomfortable position. He knows that I will decline and there are likely to be a couple of events but he is the Patriarch after all and there are occasions when the Silver-back roars and the family group takes notice...

... as the saying goes; "You can choose your friends ..."

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* There is always a very high risk of an inadvertent peep at the in-box and that just results in swearing and another hour on a fruitless mission.
** The HUGE assumption there being that the Client will actually like our Proposal and sign up  to it
*** This involves them sitting adoringly at his feet while he feeds them digestive biscuits
**** BMS is not a huge fan of BiL. He would call him a parasite but doesn't want to offend the Tapeworm community

Tuesday's Child ...

... is obviously a lazy git who can't get his act together to write a Journal entry.

To be honest the past few days have been very busy and I have made a conscious effort to ensure that when I CAN get away from the Laptop I DO get away from the laptop. Well I have made a decision to avoid the optional two hour call this evening* and hence have a few minutes to bring the Journal up to date while TP and 30% catch up with Eastenders.

So lets get the weekend covered off ...

... Saturday started with an early walk with T&M. The soggy weather has meant that the lanes and paths are absolutely revolting at the moment and the dogs seem to have picked up a huge amount of filth in their coats. Consequently the dog bath was pulled out from alongside the garage and the two were given a thorough scrubbing on our return. The afternoon involved a trip over to Stratford for a few groceries. 30% and I were both pretty tired and if I am honest we both took the remainder of the day at a very leisurely pace.

Sunday was the usual Rugby fixture although this one was a midday kick off. The was a bit of a pain. The hours delay in the start had quite an impact and leaves just not enough time at either end of the day to do anything significant. Fortunately TP's team had an away win 12:0 but to be honest the game was scrappy and his team actually played better the previous week when they lost to a strong opposition.

As I said, the midday kick off meant that the game took the lion's share of the day and there was only just enough time for a walk with T&M in the late afternoon before the sun set.

Sunday evening saw me start the cure of the pork belly and cheeks. There is not a lot more to say on that subject. They'll be cured for 5 or 6 days and should be ready for smoking or eating by the end of the week. It is ages since I last smoked any meat and I am really tempted to have another go. It is just whether the work schedule will allow it.

Monday involved a trip in to the Office to link up with my colleague who is riding "shotgun" on the latest project. The day involved loads of calls and e-mail after e-mail clarifying requirements, stating assumptions and urging the monster forward. I was finally advised who will be "looking after the shop" while I am away on holiday in the middle of February and much of the evening was spent trying to revise the project plan to accommodate the monstrous review cycle and the limited availability of attendees who, like me, plan to take the half term off work.

Today has been much like Monday; a succession of calls and e-mails in an attempt to get sufficient understanding of the client's requirements to allow us to put some sensible costings together. It is a hard slog and I am starting to see the aggressive timescales in a positive way as it means that we will finish this sooner.

I'm too tired to rant about the more lacklustre members of the team and to be honest it had all been said before. I looked back at the Journal entry on Subject Matter Idiots and realised that the entry relates to one of my current team. It is fair to say that he hasn't really changed.

I can also report that my Idiot Manager has returned from his skiing holiday and was neither suffocated in an avalanche nor killed in a freak ski lift accident. This just goes to show that my streak of luck is probably running out. He is an absolute idiot as was proved when he stated that he couldn't see any point or benefit in combining two separate reviews where I would present exactly and I mean EXACTLY the same material. He also seemed to have a problem comprehending that they had been combined on a previous occasion.

Is it me?

---

* There is a repeat tomorrow morning

It has been a bit of a week

Friday has arrived and I suppose I had better set myself down and recount the week's activities. Now I normally aim to write  a Journal entry five or six days out of seven but this week I have failed miserably. I cannot claim that I didn't have time because that just wasn't true. It was more the case that after an extended day in front of a laptop the last thing I really wanted to do was re-live it and condense it at the same laptop for the purposes of The Journal. So, lets have a look at the week ...

Tuesday: You want WHAT, by WHEN?


Tuesday was panning out quite nicely. I spent nearly all of the day herding and corralling my team to make sure that their end of week deliverable would be completed and all seemed fine with the world. There was still no sign of the detailed client requirements so we were still fannying around with an exercise to estimate some costs based on the little we know and the huge amount we have guessed.

It was about half past five and my Instant Messenger "pinged". I'll repeat that, "it was about half past five". That's it HALF PAST FIVE, Five Thirty .... The time when everyone I work with is finishing for the day, stepping away from their laptops and preparing to spend time with their families...

... Where was I, yes, the Instant Messenger pinged. It was my Idiot Manager's Lackey who asked me if I could pull a complete technical solution together in 24 hours and have it approved and ready for pricing by first thing Thursday morning. I can tell you that I responded with plenty of smiley faces and the "rolling on the floor laughing" one too as I had arranged a full day workshop on my current project and didn't have the bandwidth for this. I seriously though that The Lackey was taking the piss*

A quick phone call confirmed my suspicions this was no joke and he was quite serious. I was required to go from a state of zero knowledge to having a reasonable understanding of a project brief, gather a small team and get plenty of ticks in boxes by close of business tomorrow. Now I will admit that the project was simple in scope and the most significant piece of work had already been developed** but this was still one hell of a task and apparently it was felt that "I was the man to do it".

I'll just reiterate that it was half past five when I was passed this poison chalice which means that I had absolutely no chance of making any useful contacts that evening so instead spent a fun couple of hours clearing say all the stuff that I should have been doing tomorrow and writing some blunt emails to obtain the key individuals I would need to pull this thing together.

---

* although I should have remembered that he is not one well known for a sense of humour.
** Try riding a bike with one wheel and no saddle to realise that sometimes you have to have the whole package

Wednesday: Put to the test

There is not much more I can say about Wednesday. It was the expected cycle of calls and conversations, persuasion and threats and smoke and mirrors. The great thing about Wednesday is that Golfy was recruited to, as he puts it so splendidly, "make up the numbers".

It was really refreshing to work together again, albeit briefly, as we get the job done but have a riot of a time in the process.  The chap I have working on my main project is a really nice guy and very competent but he just doesn't have the same pizzaz as Golfy so it is most definitely not Pooh & Tigger on the road again.

Anyway I digressed, back to Mission Impossible, five o'clock arrived and it was time for the final review call. I took the Main Man through the presentation and Tigger gave him the numbers. We finished and paused ...

... The Man from Del Monte' he say "Yes".

So I proved that it could be done and have now totally shot myself in the arse as the next time they need something done in no time at all it will be Muggins here who they ask. With the benefit of hindsight fucking it up and failing might have been a better plan.

As the working day came to a close I had little chance to bathe in the glory as a mail in my in-box indicated that the detailed project scope information had finally arrived for my main project and the timescales for response looked grim, VERY GRIM.

Wednesday Evening saw us wander down to the local pub to take part in The Burns Night Supper. I'm most definitely not a Scot and was pretty tired after the working day but I do love haggis and it is a community activity that, for some strange reason, I like to take part in.  It was a pleasant supper and we had out usual table with VI and his long suffering wife, Jules, TP, 30% and I.  We were all pretty tired and the little hand hadn't reached ten before we were home and thinking about bed.

Thursday: All over the place

To be honest yesterday's diversion totally threw me and I had real problems trying to get focussed on the principal project. There were occasional follow-on calls from the diversion and for most of the day I just flapped, totally daunted by the huge amount of information I was expected to absorb, simplify and disseminate to my team and the limited time we would have to pull this gargantuan beast together.

By the evening I had managed to re-gain my focus and had a first draft of a plan. Tomorrow would be spent getting the Juggernaut moving in the right direction.

Friday: Bad Parenting


After a week of Journal entries totally focussed on work this might seem like a strange change of tack but I will explain, albeit cryptically because you never know who might read this rubbish. Over the past few days  30% and I have been placed in a couple of situations where we have encountered some truly vile children. These are not children who come from underprivileged backgrounds or anything like that. These are children who just seem to have been brought up without guidance on what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. In one case it is because the parent doesn't have a clue and in the other it seems that it is because the parents don't give a damn.

In both cases it means that 30% and I have had exposure to these horrible children and are rapidly coming to the conclusion that bad parenting is probably a form of child abuse. I could go on but it is probably best that I do not. All I will say is that, after this morning's session with TP's head master he seems very keen to have a chat with the local Community Support Officer.

Back at work I started to get my Juggernaut moving and had surprisingly little resistance. I had the usual notes about planned absences but I expected these and was already escalating to get cover during the half term week when every man and his dog is on holiday. My old friend Michel in Luxembourg was his usual co-operative self and sent me an e-mail in broken English whining that there was no way he could do what needed to be done in the time allotted. Some things never change! I responded, carbon copying The Great and The Good, encouraging him to be positive and use his experience and skills to find a way forward blah, blah, blah. Basically there is no way I am putting up with that communist little shit and if he can't do the fucking job his Boss better find someone who can ... FAST.

All in all it has been a pretty good week, Thursday was a bit wobbly but I am back on track. I just have a terrible amount of reading to do this weekend.

Friday evening saw another change of tack as I put on my Butchers apron and spent some time packing a half pig that I had collected from Kathy H-R. I must admit I surprised myself with the boned, rolled shoulder that I created and I also have cheeks and a boned piece of belly for guanciale and pancetta.

Now where is my jar of cure?

Ticks in Boxes ...

... or probably more accurately "covering my arse".

This is the start of the week in which we pull together the first deliverable for our American colleagues. We have been asked to develop some "guesstimates"  and send them over The Pond at the end of the week. To be honest we know very little about the  project scope so everything is highly assumptive and therefore, by definition, wrong ...

... so, why are we doing this? Well taking the positives first it is forcing my European team to think about the task ahead and to forge links with their opposite numbers in the US. It also gives them something to do while we wait for details of the scope and stops them wandering off to do something else*.

If I take off the Rose Tinted Spectacles I am concerned that it will just give my US chums a stick to beat me with at a later date**.

This is a very artificial exercise that will go nowhere near the client and, as a consequence, I am not overly excited about our current activities. The lack of clarity does however create some very interesting questions about the feasibility and in some cases the legitimacy of our approach. I have therefore spent some of my time drafting some carefully worded communications to the Global Lead ensuring that he understands our position and in some cases requesting confirmation that he has completed certain "compliance" activities of his own. It's not that I don't trust him ...

... actually, it is!

---

* They are like cats. They are difficult to herd and have a tendency to do what they like. As a consequence this is a dead mouse to keep them occupied until the hunt really starts ...
... Oh, and yes I reckon that some of them do spend their days licking their own bum holes.
** They have already developed their own estimate of my costs and I know that it will be way too low so when I come in with something developed locally they will moan like crazy.

Weekend Round Up

Have you ever had one of those days where you thought that a joint decision had been made to perform a certain activity but actually found out that this had been revised?

Well that accurately sums up Saturday...and yes, apparently  I was bloody informed of it at some vague point in the preceding ten days. Instead of making a serious attempt at finishing the stripping of the wallpaper and woodwork on the Stairs and Landing I found myself stood in freezing cattery for over an hour, talking absolute bollocks with some Nutter of a local who obviously hadn't had what she deemed a decent chat since Christmas. 30% had decided that we had to go out and inspect the aforementioned establishment to make sure that it was suitable to accommodate Noggin & Tog when we go away in February. It was fine as maximum security cat prisons go and they will have a miserable week there but will return pretty much as they arrived apart from hopefully being slightly more pleased to see us than usual. I had worked out that it was fine in about 5 minutes and 30% had arrived at the same decision in similar time frame so why the fuck did I have to stand there freezing my tits off listening to utter drivel for another 60 minutes.

This was followed by a trip over to Bad Man senior's house to collect Step Mum Sue's exercise bike*. There is no such thing as just "popping in" to my Dad's house for 5 minutes and this sortie took another hour and a half. By the time we got home it was most definitely a "late lunch" and we were well in to the afternoon before the dishwasher was stacked ...

... now I know that there was plenty of time to "make a start" on the decoration prep work but I didn't feel inclined to get started only to be forced to pack up a short while later and clear up a load of crap and dust. This is one of those jobs where you really want a full day at it, so I kicked my heels for the remainder of the afternoon sat in front of the 'Mac continuing with the DVD Library Project.

In Summary, Saturday did not live up to my expectations.

Sunday was filled by Rugby in the morning and Dog Clipping in the afternoon. These two activities may have been punctuated by a snooze on the sofa.

Down at the Rugby Club TP had a really good game against some strong opposition and, whilst his team did not win, they put on a very good show and came away with a creditable score. The afternoon saw me feeling absolutely knackered, hence the snooze, and to be honest the dog clipping was done simply to avoid accusations of slothfulness.

All in all this was not one of my most productive 48 hour period but I guess I can't expect every weekend to go according to plan.

---

* This contraption is most definitely not for my benefit as the Tree Miler does a reasonable job at slowing** the rate of bad man waist expansion
** note "slowing" rather than "reducing"

So here we are at Friday ...

It has been a few days since I last put virtual pen to virtual paper. The reason for this lack of diaristic output is that I have been expected to work for a living ...

... Bloody Cheek! To be honest it has been a while since I was last busy and by "a while" I mean the beginning of November last year. I lost most of November on "medical absence" due to my hand operation and the only piece of work I was given on my return probably took no more than a total of three or maybe four days effort to complete. So basically, apart from pulling my team together and doing a bit of background reading for the latest project, I have been coasting for a couple of months and it is only in the past week that I have been"back in the saddle".

How has it been? Well most of the cliche's that I would tend to use seem to be related to manual labour. "putting my shoulder to the wheel" and "laying foundations" are a couple. "Drawing lines in the sand" also seems to have been a frequent activity too...

Am I enjoying it? To be honest; "Yes" it is good to be back doing what I am supposed to be doing and seeing that I can actually add value. I have to admit that there are moments where I would like to have the ability to take certain individuals by the throat and squeeze until their lifeless form falls from my grasp to the dirt, but after a few deep breaths and a little lateral thinking I tend to go with a phone call or a carefully worded e-mail and seem to be getting the results that I want.

What have I learnt this week? A couple of things really; firstly, that people who claim to be experts may not know nearly as much as one would expect, and secondly, that when a resource seems to drop off the radar think the worst and escalate.

It is now wine time. The fire is lit and supper is only 30 or 40 minutes away, My in-box contains nothing critical and the weekend is here. The work laptop has been shut down and I'm looking forward to the weekend with a slightly smug feeling of having had quite a good week.

I'd better watch it. We all know that pride comes before a fall ...

... and this latest project has got a LONG way to go yet.

And We're Off .... sort off

Today The Band and I were summoned to a virtual meeting where we were informed that
Dante's Nine Circles of Hell had definitely been selected as a possible Supplier of Musical Entertainment to a new Client. A few competitors and we would shortly* be receiving a set of requirements, against which we can design our Show...

... That was the Good News. The Bad News was that we would be given very little time to design and cost our extravaganza. We have therefore been asked to develop something "vanilla", while we wait, that we can then "build off" once the Client gets it's arse in to gear and decides what they really want. This is a bit like having the band get together in a chilly rehearsal room to put together a set and rehearse the numbers with a strong possibility of the client wanting a completely different set of tunes. For all I know we could be rehearsing classic rock and the Client actually wants US Middle of the Road.**

I therefore spent a good few hours trawling through some archived material trying to clarify the types of tunes our prospective client might like. Even at this early stage it is apparent that certain members of the Band don't like some of the selected tracks. It is also apparent that certain members of the Band are having difficulty reading sheet music and I am already being forced to tell them what the notes are when the lazy fuckers are quite capable of doing it themselves.

Some things never change!

---

* Before Christmas it was "it'll be with us by the end of December, 1st week of January at the latest". It is now "Could be the end of this week but more likely the end of the month". Is is just me that is seeing a pattern here?
** Hall & Oates here we come

A Quiet Start to the Week

The title of this entry sums it up.

A call has been scheduled for tomorrow lunchtime to get us all started on the latest project. The simple fact that the Client hasn't given us a brief doesn't seem to be an issue. Part of me can see that it is better to get some work done and tweak it once we have better information but another part can see that this could be an expensive and risky approach.

Away from work, Winter finally seems to have arrived, after a very mild December, and we have had a few frosts this week. These are nothing like the -20 degree Celsius frosts of last year but the ground is hard and white and the weather seems to  excite the dogs. I watched them charge around the lawn like lunatics; leaping, bounding and play fighting.

Imagine what they're like if they miss a walk

The slow day meant that the fire was lit early in the evening and the heat seems to have the exact opposite effect on the animals. Tyson, Marauder, Noggin and Tog are now sprawled over the sofas and rugs soaking in every bit of the warmth. The only non-participant is Eddy. For whatever reason he seems to insist on nipping in and out via the cat flap all evening...

... The only problem with this is that the cat flap is currently locked as N&T are not yet allowed out in the garden. This means that my evenings are interrupted by frequent trips to act as Doorman for Eddy*.

---

* "Thanks badman. I'm not sure when I'll be back but be a good chap and wait up for me. It's not as though you have anything important to do and I don't want to be waiting around by the door as it's quite chilly outside"

Coach Incident near M42/M6 Junction

Sunday, like most Sundays during the Rugby season, started about an hour earlier than I would have liked. Actually it is not the start time it is more the fact that I cannot lounge around drinking coffee and get started at a time of my choice but have to abide by a schedule set by the team Coach.

Today we were due to be at a pitch to the North West of Birmingham at ten o'clock sharp. This meant de-icing and climbing in to a chilly car by nine at the latest. Take note of the term "de-icing" as this is important later on.  I also need to point out that I had had checked my iPhone e-mail just before we left to obtain the destination post code for the Sat Nav ...

... Imagine therefore our delight to drive thirty or more miles and sit in a Rugby Club car park for 25 minutes and see no familiar faces. After making enquiries it transpired that the match had been cancelled due to a frozen pitch and it was obvious that whatever means of communicating the cancellation was deployed neither text message, phone call or e-mail was thought necessary.

Taking a glass half full* view, at least we arrived home a couple of hours earlier than if the match had taken place.

This meant that the dogs got walked before lunch and the afternoon was mine to continue the DVD Library project and finally connect up the Apple TV. I can report that this little contraption is a typical Apple device; a piece of cake to install and set up, works beautifully and is a delight to use. It was therefore quite ironic that the day of it's debut was the one day that the TV schedules contained programming that we quite fancied viewing ...

... there is always Monday ...

... and Tuesday, and Wednesday ...

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* unusual for me, I know

Busy Day

Saturday started with a culinary mission. 30% and I spent a few hours converting a couple of pork joints, via a mincer and food processor,  into a large batch of faggots and 6 lbs of Gloucester Sausages.

Whilst this was going on I could periodically hear my laptop beeping as Noggin decided to use the keyboard as a suitable place to sun himself. Sausage meat encrusted hands and a token nod in the direction of food prep hygiene meant that this was ignored and the beeping seemed to subside quite quickly as he either settled or moved on. The cooking came to a close and after tidying the kitchen we sat down to lunch and this is when I learnt two things....

1) always close your laptop lid when leaving it unattended, and
2) just how intricate the tiny, interconnected plastic and metal components are that sit beneath the [Del] and [Return] keys on a laptop keyboard...

... I then spent an infuriating 20 minutes with tweezers, supplementary illumination and a sketch of my findings beneath the [PgDn] key before I got the damned thing back together*.

30% thoughtfully pointed out that it might be a good idea to put the machine away in future. This "I told you so" received it's just deserts a few moments later when I heard her admonishing Tyson for helping herself to a couple of faggots left, in Tyson's and my opinion, way too close to the edge of the worktop.

The day continued with a walk around the Three Miler and a trip in to Worcester to pick up a couple of HDMI cables for the Apple TV. Whilst I was mooching around Maplins, 30% had wandered in to a nearby Home Furnishing store for a browse and I joined her once I had picked myself up off the floor after recovering from the the shock of the price of HDMI components ...

... and so we found ourselves wandering around aisles of cushions, glasses and mirrors and then we saw it nestling amongst a collection of rugs. It screamed "IMPULSE BUY" and now we are the owners of a Blue Wildebeest hide. Sometimes you just have to go with a gut instinct and work out where it can go in the house at a later date. I think it fair to say that the hide most definitely falls in to this category but it looks fantastic and we have plenty of floor and wall space to fill in The Pile.

Having completed our shopping trip it was time to wend our way over to Trish's house for a splendid Dinner and then a return home at a civilised hour...

... Oh, and I nearly forgot; we had our first egg of the year today. One of the Minorcas has finally got with the programme.

---

* This Desk Side Support visit was accompanied by a constant stream of expletives and invective questioning Noggin's parentage and proposing an entirely suitable number of options for bringing his life to  an early and painful end.

When?

The fragmentary and contradictory information coming from my US colleagues about the start, and more worryingly the end, date of my next project is becoming very frustrating.

Today I saw one e-mail saying we would have a clear steer on what we were to do towards the end of next week. Another said that it might be the back end of the month before the Client decides on the scope of our work. That second mail then went on to say that we would start work anyway without a clear idea of what we were doing*...

... I see a "fun" few weeks ahead of me and the deferred start date could mean that the work reaches its conclusion, or at least reaches a critical point  in the week that 30% and I have booked away in a cottage on the Gower Peninsula. To complicate matters further the colleague who is riding shotgun with me also has that week booked off. I see an interesting chat with the Idiot Manager ahead to wander around the edges of this resourcing issue without ever reaching a satisfactory conciliation or actually any conclusion at all.

Away from/during work the video library project continues and I now have more than 70 titles ripped to the 1TB drive. As I glance across at the shelves behind me there still seems to be an awful lot of titles still to be done. The plans for the weekend include a trip out to pick up a couple of HDMI cables and an HDMI switch unit and it will be time to explore the debris that has accumulated under the unit that houses the various satellite receivers and audio/video paraphernalia...

... I am expecting dust, at least one discarded dog chew and the odd tennis ball**. I am hoping that this is technology that requires only one expedition in to these dark and dusty realms.

---

* Nothing new there then.
** Before you adopt the look of intense distaste, are you sure that it is spotless and pristine behind your telly? If so, can you let me have your cleaner's 'phone number.

School Report

On the work front I need to do little more than reference Tuesday's Journal Entry. Today was very much more of the same.

On the home front TP had the first of his GCSE Science examinations today and came home reporting that all went well. He had also been given the results from his first Maths paper where he got an A and his recent English mock exam where an A* was awarded. We are all delighted, although 30% was somewhat miffed as this display of swottery means that he was excused the regular dressing down for his equally regular failure to empty the dishwasher and recycling bin.

40 miles for 5 minutes

Wednesday saw yet another trip in to the nearest Circle of Hell. On this occasion I had been summoned by my second line manager for an update on the latest project. To be honest she is a pretty good Boss and was incredibly supportive on my last project, so it was no big deal to drive in to work and spend a few minutes giving her a heads up on where we were and what was likely to be in store. She made the trip doubly worth it when she said she would look in to a minor resourcing issue that had presented itself in the last 24 hours.

To be honest, today was pretty much a repeat of Monday with plenty of frolleagues in attendance and the consequential piss-taking that results...

... Amazing fact of the day is that Granddad Jack's wife has so much confidence in his ability to master the piano that she felt it necessary to give him only three lessons as his Christmas present, the unspoken assumption being that this is all that is necessary for him to achieve a professional level of competency. We all therefore expect him to be capable of a recital at some point around the beginning of February*.

Quote of the day came up in a chat with Jack about the appraisal system and whether one's rating should be viewed with optimism or pessimism, I decided that I am currently erring between "glass half full" and "drained poison chalice"!

I am still in a "holding pattern" and took the opportunity, presented by the ongoing delay in my project, to nip home shortly after lunch and walk T&M in the late afternoon rather than the dark.

I continue to digitise the family DVD library and am hoping that the ease of access presented by an Apple TV will actually encourage us to watch a few films rather than the tripe that the TV Schedulers seem to be offering at present. I am aware that easy access means that we will no longer need to stand bent at the waist with one's head tilted to an extreme angle to read the titles but am concerned that having me, 30% and TP offering suggestions for an evening's viewing will result in conflict rather than consensus...

... it is an old adage that a man can walk in to a DVD rental outlet** make a decision on a film and walk out in about 5 minutes. His wife can walk in and do the same, but if they both go in together and attempt to find a film that suits them both it takes and hour and they walk out with a film that neither of them want to see. They spend the rest of the evening blaming their partner for the shitty film and only an experienced marriage guidance councillor can actually save the relationship.

I'm starting to have second thoughts.

---

* I have never attempted to play the piano but understand that Mozart had it pretty much mastered by the age of 6 so I see no reason why Jack, who has at least 54 years on Wolfgang Amadeus, can't achieve Concert Pianist standard in the next few weeks.
** I originally typed "video shop" and then realised a) this was seriously outdated and b) none under the age of 20 would have clue what I meant. The sad thing is that I can remember the first Video shop opening in our local town when I was 17 or 18 years old.

A Ripping Day

I think I may have mentioned that I am currently sat in a "holding pattern" waiting for my next project to kick-off. There is only so much "getting your ducks in a row" that a man can take before the Cliche Police burst in through the door and I "accidentally fall down the station steps get a damned good kicking".

I therefore spent a good chunk of today perambulating between my work laptop, where I checked for "significant e-mails", and the iMac. I am in the process of ripping a large number of DVDs to an MP4 format as another of my Christmas presents was an Apple TV and this is of little value without a media library to support it. The Mac was therefore doing an admirable job of turning the family DVD library in to a neat little directory of files on the external 1TB Drive.

Golfy had suggested a couple of applications to download to deliver a polished product and these are now ripping and embedding meta data like there is no tomorrow.

40 miles for 20 minutes

Today I had planned  a trip in to the nearest Circle of Hell for my appraisal meeting. Normally I would be on  the way in at around eight in the morning but I was not exactly busy and didn't want to spend all day in a sterile Office kicking my heels. My plan was to spend the morning at home and then wander in at some point in the afternoon. This seemed like a great idea apart from the fact that I was sharing the "home office" with 30% and T&M.

30% seemed to be spending a lot of time explaining processes   v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y  and in very precise English to colleagues in India and T&M had decided that today was a great day to practise their barking ...

... at a little after nine o'clock I discovered that Golfy was also in the Office and this was the clincher. I had a quick shave and bundled my laptop in to it's bag. I was soon on the road and heading in to work rather than endure the mayhem at home.

Dante's nearest Circle of Hell was actually quite good fun as I bumped in to many colleagues during the day and seemed to spend much of my time chatting and  "pressing the flesh".

The working day ended with a wander over to a nearby, and newly opened, hotel to try out it's bar before trundling back home ...

... oh, and the Appraisal Meeting ... Can't Complain.

Weekend Round Up

Saturday started at a very leisurely pace for 30% and me but not so for TP, whose failure to set an alarm only left him 40 minutes to get his arse out of bed and be at the bus stop to meet up with his friends for an outing to Worcester.

We drank coffee and watched as he scurried round. It is nice to know that he does actually have a sense of urgency but it is unfortunate that this rarely aligns itself with our scheduling! Having bade farewell to TP we had a leisurely breakfast and headed in to town for a traipse around the supermarket. I wouldn't normally document such a mundane activity* but on this trip to Sainsbury's I wandered down the "Reduced" aisle and a new keyboard and a 1TB External Disk Drive found their way in to the trolley. The former is for my work machine as I am not a fan of laptop keyboards, the latter was to be connected to the iMac and will provide the infrastructure for a video media library.

The afternoon involved the usual round of dog walking and domestic duties and I'll make no further mention as this tale of domestic tedium is reaching levels where those of a sensitive disposition may be at risk.

Sunday continued in a similar vein; a trip to the Rugby club for TP to train, an enjoyable but muddy walk around the woods and fields by the club and an afternoon spent working out how to convert an extensive library of DVDs to MP4 files on the aforementioned new external drive.

The narrative may suggest something to the contrary but it was a great weekend.

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* actually, reading through some Journal entries, I believe I have noted far more boring things than this

Calm before the Storm

It is Friday and the end of the first week of the year. To be fair it has been far less frenetic than it could have been due to a delay in the start of my latest project but a call on Friday morning indicated that this was truly the calm before the storm.  As Fred Astaire put it so perfectly "There may be trouble ahead"!

As for Friday, I finished my input in to the spreadsheet from Hell and then send it on to the next unlucky recipient*.

I was pretty much finished by lunchtime and the afternoon involved nothing more arduous than a walk with T&M...

... oh, and a stroll out to the garage and log pile for kindling and err logs.

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* Think pass the parcel with horrific forfeits and absolutely no chance of winning the prize

Work 'n Play

I have spent all of my working day cutting, pasting, re-calculating and re-formatting data ...

... Kill me now!

By five o'clock I had lost the will to live so I shut down the laptop, lit the fire and warmed my bones for an hour. By the time 30% arrived home I had recovered a modicum of enthusiasm and set to slicing the bacon that I finished curing earlier in the week. This meant that I also had an excuse to play with the vacuum packer that was a Christmas gift from 30%'s Mum and Dad.

I just need a label printer now

This was the trial of the new cure recipe that contains star anise and needless to say a rasher got thrown in the pan for the necessary taste test. I can report that it works very well. The bacon has a sweet and spicy note to it's flavour and one of the four packs is most definitely not going to make it to the freezer.

The loin produced just under 3 lbs of bacon (about 36 rashers). I haven't the foggiest what it cost but would guess that it was in the region of £8 - £9. This give me cost of £3 per lb for the bacon which seems to compare very well with current supermarket prices.

What is the definition of futility?

After a very easy Tuesday I started on what was to become a very tedious Wednesday. Initially I thought that I was going to have another quiet day but things changed after a call with a couple of pen pushers ...

... I now have to spend the remainder of my week extracting data from a series of spreadsheets, reformat it and and then paste it in to another spreadsheet. A colleague and I were repeatedly advised that this was a mandated process and there was a considerable amount of name dropping* when the discussion reached the subject of completion dates blah, blah, blah, blah.

It will not take a rocket scientist/brain surgeon/chimp scratching it's arse to realise that this electronic equivalent of form filling is not my favourite job as it's purpose is not clearly defined and it's value is easily questioned...

... let me give you an analogy in an attempt to explain the non relevance of this stupid bloody task...

... Imagine an Explorer stood on the coast of a newly discovered land. He arrived there by the usual route; heard a fascinating story from a drunk in a pub, researched the roots of this tale, combined this with a desire to see native ladies, who are renowned for having bare bosoms,  and decided to seek funding for a voyage of exploration.

So now we find him stood on a white sand beach with a huge pile of boxes wondering a) where the matches are and, more importantly, b) where the native ladies are...

... we now leap many months forward in time. Our Explorer Chap has recruited porters, seen more bare breasts than you can shake a stick at, and has trudged hundreds of miles through almost impenetrable jungle. He has shot anything that came in to sight, has endured scorching heat and frightful diseases and, on more than one occasion, wondered whether it was actually necessary to bring a pianoforte on this journey.

All of this was in the spirit of exploration and our breast obsessed Explorer eventually returns home with a huge collection of exotic biological and ethnographic samples. He has sufficient tales to  dine out on for the rest of his days** and last but not least A MAP.

Now imagine him returning to his Patron to be confronted by a couple of lackeys that have no interest in any of these discoveries and instead ask him to re-write and re-format his original exploration grant application.

Is it me?

I suppose I should point out that this analogy is not perfect but it is close enough. The truth of the matter is that I have been asked to present a set of costs as they were on the date of a particular review. This presentation takes no account of a series of major subsequent events that mean that this is no longer relevant...

... However, it is easier to tell my Dick of a Manager that I have been doing this rather than "playing with my iMac"

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* The same names that depend on me doing my proper day job to a) justify their existence and, more importantly b) be successful at it so they actually get a salary
** although some of them will need to be cleaned up for mixed company

A close inspection of the grindstone

It was a major relief to find that the first day back at work after the Christmas/New Year break was incredibly quiet. I am about to start a new project and had been forewarned that I might have to hit the ground running today.  It was therefore a complete delight to find my in-box filled with promotional e-mails from Amazon, eBay and many other Internet based retailers but nothing significant from my colleagues in The States...

... I therefore spent a few minutes filling my trash folder with the aforementioned "promotionals" and wondered what the hell I could do to fill the remainder of my day.

To kill some time I removed the flitch of back bacon from the fridge, washed off the dry cure and soaked it for an hour before wrapping it and hanging it in the kitchen. I had started this cure a couple of days after Christmas and am intrigued to see whether the star anise makes a difference to the flavour of the bacon. I suspect it will be sliced and taste tested before the week is out.

Back in front of the laptop I discovered that the only conference call of the day had been cancelled and hence my working day was to comprise nothing more than shuffling a few e-mails.

Away from work I took T&M for a VERY BLUSTERY walk. Over the past few days I have been using a whistle to attract their attention before giving them a command. The reason for this new approach is because they seem to be somewhat desensitised to verbal commands. This is probably down to the fact that we all prattle on to them like they are members of the family and hence they now ignore everything we say*. The whistle has caused a complete transformation. I have been using it in conjunction with edible rewards and the dogs now come charging back to me after a single blast. It is still early days and I have yet to use it to recall them from playing with another dog but it seems to have potential...

... watch this space.

I also managed to move my i-Tunes library from my work laptop to the iMac. After a bit of faffing the two devices talk to each other as nature intended and my laptop now has far less baggage cluttering up it's drives. I should probably point out that the "faffing" is down to my lack of familiarity with iTunes and Mac OS X rather than the machine.

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* just like teenagers really

Who changed the rules?

Apparently it is no longer the "done thing" to have a G&T at eleven and a glass of wine with lunch.

It was "de rigeur" yesterday but today it is a key indicator of impending alcoholism!

The Festivities draw to a close

New Years Day started a little before 9 o'clock with 30% presenting me with a cup of coffee in bed. This is a most unusual occurrence as she is not, by nature, an early riser*. After that splendid start to the day it was time to get a wriggle on as we had guests for lunch. I thoughtfully left 30% to the kitchen type stuff and got T&M out on their leads for a traipse around the Three Miler.

Now this might seem a little selfish but there was concurrence on this approach. By walking T&M early they would be a) tired and therefore far less boisterous on the arrival of our guests and b) it meant that neither of us would need to stir after munching our way through a splendid Sunday/New Years Day roast lunch to walk the little sods.

Lunch was lovely. We were joined by Trish and Andy who are the parents of one of TP's school friends; Nathan. It was Trish and Nathan who we accompanied to Twickenham back in November to see Australia destroy the Barbarians.  Andy is more often to be seen project managing air-conditioning installations in Dubai but was home for Christmas and it was great to see him after nearly two years.

Nathan had joined us here at The Pile for New Years Eve which meant that TP had company and 30% and I could slump on the sofa and do little more than occasionally provide the boys with food and soft drinks.

Having read this entry I agree that it is a complete and utter temporal mess but I cannot be arsed to re-write it. Basically Nathan came for a sleep over yesterday and Trish and Andy joined us today for lunch. If it's not clear now it never will be.

If I mention the stuff about Trish borrowing the car for an airport run because hers is too small it just gets even more complicated so I'm not even going to mention that ...

Oh Shit I did, Hmmm, I'll just gloss over that and hope nobody notices that...

... needless to say we had a lovely start to the new year with proper friends. We ate good food and the company could not be bettered. I only hope the year continues in the same vein.

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* as understatements go this is one of monumental proportions; think along the lines of thousands of slaves dragging huge stone blocks up ramps in a desert to get some idea of the scale of this understatement**
**then multiply by 6.34

Air Dried Ham; Day 21

So I find myself at the end of 2011; if you are expecting a neat summary of my achievements over the past year you are about to be disappointed. That would defeat the aim of keeping a Journal. If you want to know how the year panned out for me check the preceding pages.

The day started with an early wander around the Three Miler with T&M. I really owed them a walk as a combination of atrocious weather and a trip in to town meant that no walk had happened yesterday. The Christmas/New Year walkers were out in their hordes this morning and I counted more than a dozen of them. I have had a minor rant about them on previous occasions so I'll not bother with that today other than to make the observation that their numbers are expected to decline significantly in the next 48 hours and by the end of next week it will just be the usual miscreants out in the lanes.

After lunch it was time to excavate the leg of pork that I had been salting in the garage in preparation to make an air dried ham.

The leg weighed 6 kilos (a tad over 13 lbs) when it was placed in the salt on 9th December. After 21 days it now weighs 4.77 kg (10 lb 9 oz) so the salting appears to have reduced the weight by approximately 20%.

 After a thorough rinsing in cold water the leg is patted dry and then given a good wash in white wine vinegar.

It is then dried, wrapped in a double layer of muslin and then hung out in the garage for the next 6 months. All being well I should have a fine Prosciutto type ham towards the end of May 2012.

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Other Stuff: 

TP returned home today after a few days away with his Mum, Bro and Sis down at Grandma's. 

On an entirely unconnected matter; 30% let Noggin & Tog have their first experience of outside today. Noggin nearly caused 30% to have a fit of the vapours when he headed straight for the main road. Tog, on the other hand, was far more cautious and took a long look around before a careful exploration of the patio. Having completed one circuit he re-entered the house with the look of a cat that thought the garden had not quite lived up to his expectations...

... perhaps he will change his mind when he discovers mice, shrews, voles and LBBs*.

On a slightly connected matter the Christmas Tree was taken to the local recycling point after achieving a world record three and one half day residence as a piece of living room installation art before cat attacks caused it to be deconstructed and placed in the garden. I think it says something that I liked it upright with baubles and lights intact whilst N&T preferred it sprawled across the floor with it's trimmings strewn across the room...

... We have a little under 12 months to rectify these artistic differences.

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* Little Brown Birds

An Apple (a) day

Wednesday involved a trip over to Bad Man senior's to provide Step Mum Sue with what is know in the trade as a desk side visit. We had bought them a Kindle e-reader for Christmas and she wanted a little guidance on downloading books via the USB cable*. Having "closed that ticket" we took a brief trip in to Worcester before returning home for lunch and the daily walk.

The afternoon finally saw my new i-Mac removed from it's box and set up. It is a thing of beauty and after the painful tedium and irritating frustration of a Windows PC it is an absolute delight to use. It will take me a while to familiarise myself with the interface but so far it seems very intuitive...

... and as for the screen, it is huge and the image quality is amazing

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* There are two things to note here; 1) "Senior's" home is not a wifi hotspot and 2) "Senior's" approach to computing is based around a very sophisticated voice interface ...

... "Sue, can you Google this for me, Sue can you print that off for me, Where is that photo we took on holiday? etc etc".

Alternative Cure

It was another lazy day here at The Pile. The only item on the agenda was lunch with 30%'s Mum and Dad followed by a walk with T&M and an extended period of pottering.

I did start the cure of a loin of pork that 30% bought just before Christmas and has sat, until today, developing an inferiority complex beside a huge turkey carcass and a honey and mustard glazed ham in the fridge. Hopefully the cure will improve it's self esteem and in seven days time it will be happy to strut it's stuff as a full blown piece of dry cured, back bacon.

I have varied the dry cure by adding four pieces of star anise to the 2.25 kilos of dry cure mixture and it will be interesting to see what effect this has. It was recommended as an aromatic in the cure by a local butcher but the discussion did not cover quantities so it will be a case of trial and error to get the flavouring just right.

Creme de Menthe & Banana; his finest hour

"Tell 30% not to worry about the dessert, I've got that sorted", these were the words that immediately followed bad man senior's acceptance of the Boxing Day lunch invitation...

... it did not take a rocket scientist to suss out that bad man senior would be bringing a trifle because EVERYONE loves a trifle and "senior" is famous, or possibly infamous, for his trifles. Let me explain; many, many years ago my mum was absolutely crazy for trifle. Now there is a hell of a back story about my mum that would fill volumes let alone a Journal entry but for the sake of brevity lets just summarise that a set of unfortunate circumstances in a Renault 4 left her as mad as a hatter and bad man senior as the main carer...

... and every Sunday Mater would INSIST on having trifle for tea. Now I am not exaggerating, my crazy mother would insist on trifle for tea and believe me it was easier to comply than suggest an alternative, much, much easier to comply...

... and so the fruity, slightly boozy, creamy dessert that every loves on special occasions became a Sunday staple at my childhood home and since then I have done my best to avoid them. It is not that I dislike trifle but I have developed a theory that every human being has a natural trifle limit and that I exceeded mine at some point in 1978. I'm not actually sure what happens in the result of a major trifle overdose but you can be sure that I am not going to risk spending time in intensive care due to some close-to-fatal jelly/sherry synergistic poisoning...

... 30%, on the other hand, is still way off the point of trifle toxicity and as a consequence is more than happy to be presented with a free trifle. Pater, who is inordinately fond of 30% is therefore more than willing to present her with one of his specialities. Hence Boxing day lunch was to include a sherry trifle dessert.

I should point out that over the years Dad's natural curiosity and tendency to experiment perhaps combined with a lack of sherry lead him to develop a number of interesting trifle variants. The main source of his inspiration was a 1960s G Plan side board with a drinks cupboard that was filled with, you've guessed it, a 1960's liqueur collection. He lays claim to the first ever use of Tia Maria in a trifle and I have no reason to doubt that he has used Cherry Brandy, Baileys and Cointreau rather than endure the ire of my mother.

Yes, over the years I have sampled every type of trifle known to man and a certain number that are banned in all but the most lawless of parts of the planet ...

... out of politeness I agreed to a small portion and was served something the size of a small family car. I lifted the first spoonful to my mouth and it was just as I remembered it ...

... "Thanks Dad, it was lovely"

I definitely wasn't expecting that

It was a quiet Christmas day here at The Pile; dogs were walked, food was eaten, a few drinks were imbibed and presents were exchanged.

TP is now kitted out for his skiing trip in February and 30% was overjoyed with her hand bag and blown away by the unexpected ear rings...

... as for me, I was thoroughly spoilt. I won't go in to details but a transvestite granny smith with some associated infrastructure sums up a few of my gifts quite neatly...

... and as for the mounted wild boars head; MENTAL!

Merry Christmas


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