Wax Bannister *

William Arthur Xavier "Wax" Bannister:

Born 1 January 1898 - Deceased 23 April 1924

Child Prodigy, Athlete, Gentleman. Inspiration to all Middle Distance Runners.

Today's post is dedicated to this little known amateur runner in an attempt to raise his profile and give him the recognition he truly deserves.  It is a little know fact that "Wax" is attributed with running the first sub-four minute mile back in 1924 with an astounding, but unrecognised, 3 minutes 56 seconds, but more of that later.

Wax was born in to a privileged background and at an early age was recognised as a child prodigy. His stunning intellect and physical prowess caught the attention of British Intelligence and he was recruited from his Boarding School as an Agent in the First World War. It was whilst serving in Greece that he became fascinated with running and, at the end of hostilities, he continued this sport as a recreational diversion from his career as a Professor of  Defence Science & Technology.

Many of his creations are closely guarded secrets to this day but it can be revealed that he was responsible for the early versions of the "rab-bots" that guard Golfy's secret lair. He can also lay claim to the anti-tank badger and the proposal to use auto-asphyxiating spaghetti if the Italians ever got "a bit stroppy".

Back on the cinder track Wax was most definitely "old school" and shunned the new fangled flannel shorts, vests and plimsolls that were becoming popular with young whippersnappers who fancied a crack at setting a record for the mile. Wax tended to prefer corduroy slacks and de-studded football boots for training although he would remove his jacket, tie and shirt studs for  more serious competition. It was during these runs that Wax gained his nickname as a result of his tendency to apply a secret mixture of Carnauba and Beeswax to the inner thighs of his trousers in an attempt to reduce the inevitable friction of corduroy against corduroy.

One should not be fooled in to thinking that Wax was against progress as he was the first British runner to use pacemakers in record attempts. A lifelong dog lover, Wax tended to use Border Collies or Airedales during training and would move on to Whippets for his record attempts. It is alleged that he once ran an exhibition race at White City against a very strong field of Greyhounds and came a creditable third.

It was in late 1923 that Wax began training in earnest with the aim of running a mile in under four minutes. On 14th September he had received a telegram informing him that his American, arch rival Stanley "Stan" Astaire-Luft planned to break the four minute barrier on Independence Day the following year. This prompted an intense training programme with the aim of setting the record on St Georges Day.

Although rivals, Astair-Luft and Bannister were friends too and Bannister was delighted to receive a modern, American, low friction wax that Astaire-Luft had thoughtfully shipped from a new laboratory in Wisconsin.  His Widow, Hermione, recalled that he was so pleased to receive it and planned to use it in the record attempt.

St Georges Day 1924 dawned and the cool, clear weather was perfect for the attempt. Eight of the finest Lancastrian Whippets had been selected to act as pace makers and a calm Bannister stepped out on to the cinder track. A Gentleman from The Times was on hand to act as timekeeper at this historic event and a few locals gathered as the mist cleared and Bannister approached the starting line.

A pistol crack started the attempt and Bannister set out at a steady pace keeping a constant distance between him and the first whippet. The race was uneventful although there was a comical moment around the twelve hundred yard mark when Wax nearly dropped his pipe and a bystander had to offer a lucifer to relight the lucky Briar. At around the fifteen hundred yard mark Wax was running like one of the King's Thoroughbreds and the record seemed within his grasp. He crossed the line in a stunning 3 minutes and 56 seconds and promptly self-combusted to the shock and astonishment of onlookers.

It was a tragic end to a momentous occasion and all were distraught at the loss of one of Britain's finest young men. Later investigations indicated that some observers thought they saw plumes of smoke rising from Bannisters trousers during the final quarter mile. These rumours were never substantiated and neither was the theory that stray spark from the Briar caused the heated wax to ignite as Bannister crossed the line.

Conspiracy Theorists will point to the fact that Astaire-Luft provided the wax that Bannister used on that fateful day and also that Astaire-Luft later openly accused Bannister of using Liquorice Comfit suppositories to achieve the incredible feat. At that time liquorice was a banned stimulant and, as a result, Bannister's feat never entered the Record Books.

Wax Bannister; Gentleman Athlete at least you are remembered here. 

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* actually this was another item on my to do list but I came up with this instead.

Another Slow Day

Monday was another quiet day at work. I took advantage of this and hit the to do list with a vengeance. As a result the basin and shower drains have been treated with caustic soda solution and the trim panels on the stairs have been coated with a liquid wax product that has given them a beautiful lustre.

The weather today is as balmy as yesterday's was blustery so, after a pleasant stroll around the Three Miler, I hauled the Porn Mower from it's lair and mowed the lawn. This was a long overdue cut and at 8" in length I actually  had to mow it twice to get a tidy looking sward.

After the restorative powers of a glass of Rioja I took on the final task of the day and gave the door at the foot of the stairs it's second coat of Danish Oil, one more to go and then it is time for a finishing coat of wax.

At this rate I am going to need a new list.

I'm thinking of building an Ark

The weather for the past week has been pretty soggy but today was even worse. It was cold, very windy and pouring with rain. I was very glad the Rugby Season had finished as a couple of hours pitch side in this would have been most unpleasant as I was to find out later ...

... The morning saw me cross another item of my to do list; I fabricated the final piece of elm trim for the stairs and fixed in place. That does, of course, mean that I can now add apply finishing coat to stair trim to the list. Bugger! The rest of the morning was spent applying the first coat of Danish Oil to the door at the foot of the stairs.

After lunch it was time to brave the elements and take T&M out for a walk. It is fair to say that the weather had not improved. The roads and paths were sodden and carpeted with young leaves torn from the trees by the wind. We came across a number of small trees blown down and skirted a couple of fluddles* on the way round the Three Miler. It is fair to say that we all returned home soaked and it was a case of "new trousers please".

It was at this point in the day that I rediscovered my inner child as I emptied my pockets and discovered sweet papers, a rubber band, a length of string, a twenty pence coin and a piece of paper containing an illegible scrawl. All I needed was a stone and a battered Dinky toy for the full set. Should I be worried that there was no mobile phone or wallet or any other adult accoutrements? My pockets are definitely eight rather than forty eight.

Once thawed and dry I continued with my regression to boyhood and spent half an hour in the garage repairing a puncture in TP's bike ...

... He owes me now!

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* fluddle: noun, a pool of standing water too large to be a puddle but too small to be called a flood. A fluddle must be large enough to cover the full width of a road to merit the term.

Site Clearance

Saturday started with an early walk around the Three Miler with T&M, lunch followed and then 30% and I set out to take a car full of surplus domestic items to the local Charity Shop. Our first point of call was Pinkie's house where we dropped off a couple of borrowed items that were long overdue for return. This visit was fortuitous as Pinky is most definitely in need of some storage and shelving and was most grateful to take ownership of the CD unit, book case and glass fronted cabinet that are currently giving our Dining Room the appearance of a loaded Pickfords Lorry. Coffee was drunk, a date was arranged for delivery and we set off to drop the rest of the crap load at The Primrose Hospice Charity Shop.

It was late afternoon by the time we returned home and I crossed another item off my list by rehanging the  door at the foot of the stairs and replacing the rattly, Victorian, Rim Lock with a Thumb Latch.

I know its not exciting but I can't be spending every minute of every hour living life to the max or, as is more usual, swearing about things in general.

A Day with Bad Man Senior

I knew in advance that Friday was going to be a very slow day from a work perspective so I arranged to pick up Bad Man Senior & Tilly and bring them over to The Pile for a leisurely lunch. BMS has been feeling a little under the weather recently and we both felt that a change of scenery would be beneficial. He phrasing was a little more concise and he summed it up with "I'm glad to be out of the bloody house". I'm guessing that a combination of advancing years, ageing bones, miserable weather and the constant presence of a monosyllabic twenty two year old son was making the chaos that happens at The Pile seem like light relief.

A couple of weeks ago we were chatting on the 'phone and after we had finished I realised that we had really were scarily alike. We were both moaning about our children, me about TP's lack of thought and inability to do anything more that grunt and BMS was having similar issues with my half brother. His second family means that his experiences of raising a son have been revisited and consequently there is perhaps more common ground than might be expected between father and son.

Anyway, we had a great time and he was delighted to inspect the recently decorated Landing and our furniture acquisitions. He always loved the Landing and often said that he would like to sleep up there and be able to see the stars from the skylights.

He is an incorrigible old devil and, after inspecting my bookcase, advised that I should buy the one that apparently will be arriving in the workshop next week. Thanks Dad ...

... I think I probably will

If a tree falls in a forest ...

... and there is no-one there to hear it, does it make a sound?*

It was a slow news day today so Golfy and I got creative with technology. Another spin on the thought experiment that forms the title and first line of this entry is What happens to the light when you shut the fridge door?

Using our combined intellects we can now provide the answer to the question that has puzzled all but the designers of refrigeration appliances. Our scientific approach was as follows; first we established a face-time conversation using our iPhones. I then placed my iPhone in the fridge so that Golfy could see what happened when the door was shut. I then opened the door removed the phone from behind the cheese and we discussed the event.

Golfy then performed the same actions at his locale so that I too could experience being shut in a fridge.**

Other Stuff:

Today the Long Case Clock and Cylinder Desk that 30% bought were delivered along with a cast iron fire back and a bookcase. So I spent a good hour or so assisting with the unloading of the items plus a Beginners Guide to the care and maintenance of the clock. It is a beautiful thing and the ticking is very relaxing, there in the background delimiting the seconds. The bell, too, is lovely and it is quite peculiar as I know the clock has only been here a few hours but it is as though it has been here forever. It really seems to belong in the house.

With the arrival of the desk I have been able to move in to the office at home. The room is tatty and needs some serious work but at least I will no longer get shouted at for leaving my laptop on the Dining Table. I also found out the price of the book case and can advise that I will not be able to buy any books for quite some time. 

As for the fridge experiment...

... it was ruined by a falling tree.

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* By the way, there is no such thing as one hand clapping. That is called waving badly in these parts
** I suppose I had better add a health warning that shutting yourself in a fridge is a dangerous thing to do. Mind you, if you are that bloody stupid I am sure that you will manage to shorten your life span by some other idiotic activity. Is you dick cold? Try the toaster.

Progress?

Another quiet day at work.

On the home front I am slowly working my way through my list and have managed to strike through the entry pertaining to the power socket on the landing. Sanding door has an in progress comment against it and it would have possibly been completed had the heavens not opened today. I suppose I need to add that the door has just been stripped and is being sanded outside before being reattached to it's frame, hence when it pissed down it all got put back in the garage and I retired and did some proper work instead.

Chippy Ian was here today adding some strengthening timbers to our staircase. I know I have mentioned before that they are very old and very primitive in their construction but Ian was of the opinion that they are still reasonably sound and the insertion of a few supports underneath have really firmed things up. There is a possibility that I may also be able to barter a spare towel radiator for Ian's labour as he has expressed interest in one that I have tucked away following the DIY Chain fiasco eighteen months ago.

The bartering approach was also raised later in the day when 30% was discussing curtain making and re upholstery requirements with Sally; a local lady that is a genius with a sewing machine and upholstery hammer too. Sally was interested in a few pieces of pine furniture that are surplus to requirements and we are hopeful that we can swap our goods for her services.

The final activity of the day and a significant item on my to do list was Clear Office. The Office is not an office. It is a room that has become a dumping ground for items of furniture and general bric-a-brac that are not required but there is a general unwillingness to dispose of them. We need to clear this room a) because it needs to be gutted and refurbished and b) because we are having a desk and bookcase delivered tomorrow and need space to put them. The net result of clear office is that the Dining Room is now so full of furniture that you could not swing the proverbial feline in there....

... I see an urgent need for Clear Dining Room to be added to the list or perhaps Arrange Yard Sale or Have Bonfire.

Don't blame me Dara

This evening we went to see Dara O'Briain at Warwick Arts Centre performing his Craic Dealer show. It was a great night out and there were loads of laughs. We were sat right in the middle of the front row and had lots of interaction with him particularly TP and 30%'s colleague Rich who, at one point claimed to be a Sex Therapist called Dick!

There was however one thing that rankled. Dara seemed to be of the opinion that perhaps the audience wasn't as enthusiastic as they could have been and there were a couple of asides along the lines of "a Tuesday Night Audience in Warwick" and a lack of response to certain jokes. Now I had a great time but need to point out that it was Dara that arranged the gig for Tuesday 24th April and therefore any blame for a mid week, school night audience rather than one projecting Friday Night fever rests squarely on his shoulders.

I can definitely confirm that we did not, as a collective audience, discuss and agree to assemble on the outskirts of Coventry on 24th April and then decide to invite Dara along. It was most definitely the reverse. That being the case, don't moan at us if we don't have the enthusiasm of a group of people who don't have to go to work tomorrow.

Hopefully it will be a quiet week

It is surprising what a difference a week can make. Last Monday I just wanted to get the week over with. Today I was quite looking forward to my week at work. The main reason for this is that the pressure has most definitely alleviated. Our project is approved and has been released to the US team and, whilst there are likely to be follow-on activities and questions, we have basically done what needs to be done for the current iteration of the project.

So the working day was mostly "housekeeping duties" but there has been a significant amount of down-time which was felt to be deserved after the preceding few weeks. I was called upon to assist with a Commercial Review but that was only a matter of recycling a couple of slides and regurgitating the five minute spiel that I had been spouting for the past month.

The rest of the day was taken up with a lengthy and humourous discussion with Tigger on a variety of subjects that were nothing to do with pushing boulders uphill at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell.

Away from my desk I appear to have taken ownership of a "to do" list since I will be having a quiet week at work. I would try to imply that 30% was the instigator of this fiendish catalogue but it is self imposed. Mind you, once the aforementioned partner was aware of THE LIST it was interesting to note that it started to grow with non-fun items like hang the washing out.

To be honest I didn't get very far with the list today. The washing did go out and come back in again and I did make a start on socket box. This is where it gets very boring so look away now ...

... on the recently decorated landing we have a power outlet on the floor. The power outlet is standard British, white, ABS plastic and stands out like the proverbial sore thumb as it is surrounded by oak floorboards. I managed to purchase a very nifty power socket that has an oak face plate but could not find a similar patress box. As a result I have spent an hour or so cutting some timber to create a mitred oak surround to conceal the plastic socket box. I'm quite please with the result and once oiled and waxed it should match the socket perfectly.

I also managed to buy a new book case without actually asking the price ... oops!

Man of the Match

After yesterday's Rugby Club Dinner I was feeling slightly less than chipper when I woke this morning. To be honest it was nothing that a couple of paracetamol couldn't assuage and apart from being lethargic and famished all day I wasn't too bad.

We had a relatively early start as it was the final match of the Season and we were out past Leamington for an away game against a team that are closely matched in terms of skill and ability. TP had an absolutely blinding match and played a key part in the first of his team's tries. Later in the game he collected the ball in his own team's half and raced over half the pitch, dodging a number of tackles to put the ball down between the posts. It was a blinding try and he could have possibly had another if the referee hadn't blown the final whistle as TP was approaching the try line. It was a peculiar decision as a rugby match usually ends when the ball goes in to touch not when it is still in play.  He made a few peculiar decisions during the game and his neutrality was questioned by a number of Spectators. In the end it made no difference, TP's team won and he was selected as Man of the Match.  It was a great way to end the Rugby Season.

Needless to say, yesterday's late night and indulgences meant that I took it easy for the remainder of the day and apart from a walk around the Three Miler I did nothing worth jotting down here.

It is definitely Spring

We are well in to Spring now. The verges are filled with wildflowers and the hedges are alive with birds. A couple of weeks ago I finally got a half-decent sighting of one of the Green Woodpeckers that frequent the hill that overlooks the Village. I hear their alarm calls on a regular basis but this was the first time I actually saw more than a distant blur; one flew across the road in front of me and I actually saw the flash of red feathers on it's head and it's yellow rump before it disappeared from sight.

Today I encountered another bird that is heard more often than seen; the Cuckoo. Again I was walking the dogs and it's familiar call was heard in the distance. It reminded me of a saying from my childhood.

The cuckoo comes in April

Sings it's song in May

Changes it's tune in the middle of June

And then it flies away.

 It has been a fairly intense week and the rest of the day was taken at a leisurely pace. After lunch 30% and I popped in to Worcester to pick up the door from the Strippers and the afternoon was spent pottering around the house.

Then it was time for a scrub up and donning of the Dinner Suit as we were out for the Rugby Club Annual Dinner. TP and many of his team mates were waiting at table in return for a generous donation to their Tour Fund. 30%, Jules and I had a fantastic night apart from the point where I found I was drinking Bacardi and Tonic rather than the  G&T I ordered...

... I'm guessing some poor devil had a Gin and Coke which doesn't sound any better.

They Think Its All Over ...

Today is the second anniversary of The Journal and by luck or sound judgement it is actually a milestone day at work too, so I will be ending this second year of diary keeping on either a success or a dreadful failure.

This is the day of the final review of the latest iteration of our project. At a quarter to five this evening I will either be in possession of the lucky potato* or will be having it rammed unceremoniously where the sun doesn't shine.

The working day was quite bizarre as it was way too late to make changes to our offering and the problem with the Belgians was being handled high above our heads. As a result Tigger and I spent most of the day chatting on the phone. The only exceptions were a couple of update calls on the Belgian Problem. The second one actuality had a Senior Belgian in attendance and I am guessing that words had been exchanged somewhere in the stratosphere as he was now grudgingly compliant and we had a green light for the final approval call.

At four o'clock Tigger and I dialed in to the call. I think it fair to say that I was quite apprehensive as there had been a lot of rumour about the project and Judge Dread had been forecasting doom, gloom and a possible savaging all week. In actual fact the call went really well and within twenty minutes it was apparent that we were going to get a positive response. The second half of the call was just about calming a few concerns and noting down a few observations and comments.

Post review Tigger and I had a deserved self congratulatory call and then let our US colleagues know that they were good to go with our numbers...

... I'm a bit tired now and really need a kip.

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* The lucky potato is the term Tigger and I use to reference the approval of our project by one of the most senior Daemons at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. The aforementioned Daemon cherishes the famous tuber and only bestows it, and his blessing, on those that are worthy. We are truly in awe of the lucky potato.

What is going on up in the clouds?

Thursday was spent waiting for a group of European Executives to reconsider a decision that would stymie our current project. They are strange, remote and almost mythical beasts and my contact with them is via an individual I don't know very well. The result is that I don't feel comfortable hassling too frequently or pressing for elaborations on his single line responses. Obviously I just need to sit and wait for things to pan out but that is not a comfortable position when my US Masters need my stuff by Friday evening so that they can polish the turd and present it to the Client in the middle of next week.

The net result is that I feel that I am stood facing a Tsunami and all I can do is hand out flimsy, polythene splash protector capes of the type sold at the water rides in Theme Parks.

The day ended with no significant progress and acceptance on my part that this is way above my head ...

... Ho Hum!

Other Stuff: TP should probably have picked a better week to loose his mobile phone as he is definitely one idiot too many!

Wednesday ...

... bring me their fucking heads on a plate day!

It is not going well. One of Judge Dread's European colleagues is saying "no go" which is putting the whole deal at risk. I have spent a huge chunk of the day attempting to get Executive Guidance and, for some worrying reason, no-one wants to talk to me. The best I got was agreement from my Idiot Manager to attend a briefing call tomorrow morning. Does no-one seem to understand that this needs to be resolved now and Executive attention is exactly what is needed. This is way above my lowly level.

In addition to that the Subject Matter Idiots are performing in their normal lacklustre fashion and despite being asked to provide me with their approval e-mails on Monday it is now Wednesday and a significant number of them have yet to deliver the goods. I wish that my sense of urgency was a little more infectious. I know that a lot of these people are over worked and have too much to do but I have to focus on my project and chase and harry the team for their long overdue deliverables.

At the same time I am making tentative approaches up the management food chain as I need a senior Executive to give the Europeans a "JFDI" instruction. These Execs are strange beasts and you never know whether they will give you their support or bite your head off.

I think it is fair to say that it is one of those days when stacking shelves at the local supermarket looks like a great new career opportunity.

A Blast from the Past

On Wednesday I was summoned to attend a conference all on the Project we successfully completed last year.

The call was to review and approve a complicated and, in my opinion, valueless spreadsheet that I had been forced in to completing over several days in December and January. I think it fair to say that I didn't consider the job worthwhile but I thought it had more value than the name dropping, slopey shouldered, process obsessed cow that was driving this activity.

She was true to form, when she opened the call and then attempted to hand it over to myself and a colleague to present. Needless to say neither of us had been asked to present and were not prepared. As can be seen from the Journal it is more than 3 months since I had any involvement in this at all.

We made a start and then the sun peeped through the black clouds when one of the Executive Approvers piped up. This particular approver is quite a character and is known for going from calm to  unprofessional ranting in under six seconds. She was true to form and within a few minutes phrases along the lines of "I don't see the point of this" and "You are only doing this because you can't use the cost modelling tool" were coming out left right and centre. She peaked with "I'm not approving this because I don't think it serves any purpose" and from that point forward I relaxed and enjoyed the carnage.

None of the grievances were directed towards me or my colleague and I have to admit that I took great pleasure sitting silently in the background listening to The Cow attempting to defend her monstrosity.

Sometime even the shittiest days have something beautiful happen.

Tuesday Schmoozeday *

Tuesday was very much like Monday but without the tea making and Decorators.

Instead Tigger and I found ourselves at The Nearest Circle of Hell following an invite summons from Judge Dread. We spent the day experiencing the same frustrations interspersed with expensive and mediocre coffee. The only difference was that we could actually see the Subject Matter Idiots in glorious Technicolour. Unfortunately we had to listen to them too.

I think I can summarise by saying there was a huge amount of effort for very little actual progress.

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Schmooze: Making ingratiating small talk – talk that is business oriented, Did you see what I did there?

Monday Schmunday

Sad Face – it's Monday and I am back at work. Tigger and I have a looooong five days ahead of us as we pull together all the strands of our project and weave them in to a single piece. It is not fun. We really need twice or thrice the time we actually have and are working with over stretched colleagues and equipment that simply is not really capable of running the tooling we are mandated to use...

… as I said, it is not fun. We do our best to see the lighter side of things and there are jokes and laughter but beneath it all there is a vein of frustration directed at the tooling, team member availability and performance and the lack of accurate information from out client. At present all I can hope to present is a “sow ear”* at the final review on Friday.

Away from work I seem to be making an inordinate number of cups of tea as Andy & Steve are back to finish the painting of the Landing and Stairs. They have done a fabulous job and as soon as I can get the current phase of the project completed I am really looking forward to completing the finishing touches to the freshly decorated space.

---

* We will have to wait until the next iteration of the project to see if we can knock up a silk purse.

Day of Rest?

Sunday started with an early walk with T&M whilst 30% dropped TP over at the Rugby Club for a practice session. I then made a start on cutting the final piece of elm needed to repair the trim on the stairs. This was not a five minute job as the task involved the creation of a template and numerous trial fits before the piece of timber could be reduced to the appropriate thickness, sanded smooth and held in place with a monumental amount of Pink Grip!

It was then time for a trip out to pick up TP, and get a few necessities from Redditch. The afternoon was filled with phase one of the huge tidy up of the house and garage as both have become dumping grounds during the recent decorating activities...

... I thought I was on for a quiet weekend!

Home at last

The weekend has finally arrived and after the decorating at home and the past four days at work it is a most welcome break. 30% and I are both pretty tired and, as a consequence, we have pared our itinerary down to the bare minimum.

That meant that we had two tasks to achieve today; the first was to pick up the Defender as the refurbishment has now been completed and the second was to take the door from the bottom of the stairs in to a Paint Stripper in Worcester.

30% ran me over to Belbroughton to pick up my Land Rover around lunchtime and it is fair to say that she looks fantastic both inside and out. There are still a couple of minor jobs that need to be performed but the transformation is well on the way to completion. This wasn't just a cosmetic makeover as she has had the flywheel and clutch replaced and new front shocks too which means that the driving experience has been improved too.

Back at home I set to removing the aforementioned door and putting up a stair gate as a temporary barricade*. 30% and I then hitched the trailer to the Defender and took the door over to the Strippers. At this point you would think that the story would go along the lines of we pass the time of day with Stripper, hand over door, agree price and determine a collection date. And that was the original plan but then we started to look around his workshop/sale room and started to find some amazing items at very good prices. To cut a long story short 30% saw and fell in love with a Georgian Long Case Clock and a Victorian Cylinder Desk and these will be delivered the week after next.

By the time we finally got home it was early evening which gave us enough time for a walk around the Three Miler with T&M before a call was made to the local Chinese Takeaway.

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* T&M and Andy & Steve is not a great combination unless you want emulsioned dogs  or paw prints as part of your interior decor.

Lean Times ...

... from a Journal keeping perspective. This entry could just have well been entitled "Where the Fuck have I been".

My last post was made on the 4th April and it is now the 14th. I suppose I had better pull together a précis of the past nine or ten days. Don't worry; I'll leave out the interesting bits.

As previously mentioned, much of the week leading up to the Easter weekend was spent carrying out the preparation work on the stairs and landing. I think it fair to say that this was a soul destroying task. At the end of each day we were filthy and tired and the room looked just the same apart from a liberal quantity of dust on every surface. We turned a metaphorical corner on Easter Monday when we decided that enough had been done and a huge clean up took place. 30% even managed to find time to put a coat of liquid wax on the Landing floor whilst I spent an inordinate amount of time on the refurbishment of the elm trim panels on the staircase.

During the past week Andy & Steve have spent a couple of days on site and the walls and woodwork are now all bearing the correct colours. They will be back on Monday to apply the final coats of emulsion and satinwood.

We did manage a modicum of leisure time whilst we were off work but not a huge amount. 30%'s birthday was on 5th April and we lunched at The Brook on the outskirts of Redditch and took a wander around some local antique establishments. There was no surprise present as we had both decided that we should treat ourselves to a new iPad3 as a joint gift. TP already has an iPad. It is a fabulous little tablet but it seems to be permanently held in his grimy hands and he can rarely be persuaded to offer it up for use by another member of the family. After much faffing around to see whether we could get any discount anywhere we finally just went and bought the damned thing from Tesco on Easter Monday. It is a lovely piece of equipment and I am hoping that it will become 30%'s browsing tool of choice meaning that she will leave her work laptop in it's bag and not spend her leisure time "just looking at a couple of e-mails"*.

Badman Senior, Step Mum Sue and Tilly joined us for dinner on Easter Sunday and we had a lovely rib of beef. BMS was on good form and infuriated us all by feeding T&M from the table. He adores the dogs and just cannot resist giving them treats. If you look at the girth of Tilly you will see how weak his will power is. Fortunately we are made of sterner stuff here at The Pile and T&M have managed to retain their lithe conformation...

... it was a tale told by BMS that gave me the title for this Journal entry. It is nothing apocryphal or funny. It was just a recollection from his past and for some reason I thought I should jot it down so that it doesn't become forgotten...

Back in the 1930's my Grandfather was a Market Gardener in the Vale of Evesham. At this time of year the sprout harvest was finished and the Asparagus harvest was yet to come in so this was seen as a very lean time. To make ends meet my Grandfather used to work as a stage hand at the Scala Theatre on the High Street during this lull in veg production. The Scala is long gone and became the Clifton Cinema many years before I was born. That too has long since closed and subsequent reincarnations as Bingo and Night Clubs don't seem to have been particularly successful either. BMS also remembers his father delivering the Evesham Journal to outlying villages as a way of bringing in a few shillings until the 'gras was ready to cut.

The Easter break is now over and I am back at work. Tigger has returned from New York and we have spent this 4 day working week trying to get things in to shape for next week's review cycle and release of costs to our American colleagues. It has been quite an ordeal. We are making head way but it is like wading though treacle and if a thing can go wrong it certainly will. So far we have had to struggle with both personnel and tooling. Many of the people we need are on holiday and the work products they have delivered have either been wrong or right but in the wrong format. The result of this is that everything needs to be checked and tweaked or in some case duplicated so that we can pull everything together in to a single entity. Approvers are now starting to get nervous and I am frequently having to step in to persuade, cajole and name drop to ensure that ticks get put in the right boxes.

After a long day with a Power Sander or a long day in front of a laptop I have been reluctant to do anything more than vegetate with a glass of wine in front of the TV and I offer this up as my excuse for not blogging for the best part of ten days.

Before I finish I will just mention that one of the hens has gone broody this week and 30% managed to source a dozen or so fertile eggs. If all goes well we may have chicks around the second of May.

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* She is not a person to whom relaxation comes easily and consequently using a work laptop for web surfing makes taking a peek at the in-box all too easy. I. on the other hand, tend to go with "Fuck them, I've finished work for the day"

A change in the weather

After the mild and sunny weather last week, today's sleet and wind came as a bit of a shock. It was most unpleasant and outside was definitely not where I wanted to be.

This morning 30% needed to be at work to meet up with a colleague from the US. TP and I dropped her at the Office and then took the car to carry out a few pre-birthday essentials such as cards, flowers and more abrasives from Screwfix...

... and people say there is no romance in my soul?

The journey home included extensive detours to 30%'s parents and a couple of shops and, as a result; lunch was a late one.

My afternoon was spent sanding the elm door frame at the foot of the stairs and applying a coat of Danish Oil to that, the hand rail and the exposed beams on the Landing. 30% busied herself with various culinary and domestic chores as her brother and his girlfriend were joining us for dinner.

For those that may be interested

I tend to write my Journal entries first thing in the morning before I start work. This is one of the reasons why I generally produce a "weekend roundup" rather than individual entries for Saturdays and Sundays. As I am not at work this week I have managed to make it to Tuesday without having put pen to paper. So here, is a round up of recent events ...

Sunday: The Mission Continues

To be fair, Sunday was nowhere near as hard work as Saturday. 30% and I had completed our sanding activities with less than an hour's effort and then spent a further hour vacuuming up the dust. We then got a coat of Danish Oil on the bannisters and newels and a coat of wax on the cupboards. The rest of the day was spent pottering on general domestic activities.

Monday: A Visit

Today Mrs Oranges & Lemons paid us a visit with her air dried ham. She had had this beast hanging for the best part of 12 months and now it was time for the unwrapping and, hopefully, slicing. I think Mrs O&L was a little apprehensive and that is certainly something I can understand. I have only air dried one ham and I was very nervous about eating a piece of meat that had not been cooked in the conventional sense. We unwrapped it and it looked fine. There were a few patches of green mould and there were also a couple of maggots but there was nothing that indicated that the cure had failed and after a good scrub with white wine vinegar it looked fine.

We pared away the outer skin and then set to with the bacon slicer to convert her air dried ham in to a couple of kilos of prosciutto. It was a successful first cure and the ham has an interesting almost cheesy tang to it.

I am quite comfortable declaring it a success as I am writing this 24 hours after sampling the ham and can report no adverse affects.

Monday was also the day that TP returned from his tour of Iceland and he appears to have had a fabulous time. He was very keen to get his photos downloaded to the computer and show us his souvenirs which included a pair of knitted mittens and a cured red fox tail.

Andy & Steve were also back on site today to put a skim of  plaster over the stair case and landing. They have done a fantastic job and will be back in a couple of weeks to apply paint to their pristine. smooth walls.

Tuesday: Back on Yer Heads Lads*


After an early walk around the Three Miler with T&M I was back on sanding duties.

30% had "conveniently" arranged a hair dressing appointment which left me on a solo mission on the stairs and landing. Today I completed the hand rail on the stairs, the window sill and I also managed to wire brush 250 years of debris from the exposed beams on the landing. Most of the debris seems to have accumulated on me so it is a case of a quick shower and then a period of extended vegetation in front of the televisions.


Where is my G&T?

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* You must know this joke. It is as old as the hills.
A Chap dies and finds himself being escorted to Hell rather than his preferred eternity in heaven.
He wanders past pools of bubbling brimstone and flaming pits with the moans and screams of eternal damnation in his ears.
As he pauses by a pool of foetid semi liquid he watches a hideous daemon sat staring at a group of people up to their chins in this ichor drinking from bone china cups.
He is taken aback by this and, as he wanders on, he comments to his escort that Hell is nowhere near as bad as he thought...

.. He then hears the Daemon say "Back on yer 'eads Lads, Tea Break's over."

Productive but not exciting

If sanding the stripped bannisters and newel posts of a pine stair case to a satin smooth finish is your thing read on, otherwise I respectfully suggest that you find something else to fill your time.

Today 30% and I have spent a long and dusty day preparing the wood work on the Landing & Stairs. After clearing the floor and sealing the Bedroom doors to prevent dust ingress, 30% took on the oak cupboard that Chippy Ian built for us and I took on the stairs.

There isn't much more I can say. The wood is now a lot smoother and we were both covered in a very fine dust. We cleaned ourselves and the room up, took the dogs for a quick walk and then collapsed on the sofa with a drink and dinner.

The only problem is that we still have four door frames, the skirting boards, the window sill and exposed beams to sand plus the repairs to the trim panels on the stairs and the bleaching of a couple of stains on the soak flooring to complete before the end of the week.

Breaking Up

Today was my final day of work before a ten day Easter break. Yes, I have ten days away from work and will be spending them at home, probably with a power sander in my hand.

As was to be expected most of today was spent in hand-over activities and completing as much as possible "up front" as I know I am going to be very busy when I get back. My out of Office is now set and Tigger is clearly identified as the stuffed furry animal to be contacted if anyone needs anything.

I have had company here at home today as Andy & Steve are here to carry out the preparation for skimming of the Landing and Stairs. The original lime and horsehair plaster has stood up pretty well to the past two and a half centuries but there are a few areas where it is no longer bonded to the walls and the patching associated with building works and re-modelling mean that a skim is needed to pull it all together. Whilst removing the loose plaster S&A exposed one end of the oak lintel over the window. I made a quick styling decision and the entire beam was exposed. It will need a little attention with a wire brush but will look fantastic when surrounded by fresh smooth plaster.

S&A completed all the prep work and left having applied a bonding coat to the bare areas and a coat of PVA to all of the other walls. They will be back on Monday to apply the finish coat. After S&A had finished I switched off my Instant Messenger and took T&M for a walk...

... As I was nearing the end of the walk a Golden Retriever came charging towards us. He was trailing his lead but there was no sight of his owner anywhere. I recognised him as belonging to a local family that are currently doing their best to develop a bit of a reputation. I am no fan of the family and do my best to avoid them but could hardly leave their dog loose. There was also no way I was going to shake him off as he is intact and T&M are both in season.  I am guessing that the children had been walking him and couldn't restrain him. He has a good nature but has not been trained and is VERY strong. I assume he got wind of T&M and simply followed his nose. I therefore ended up grabbing his lead, calming him down with a swift kick up the arse and taking him home. It came as a relief but no surprise that there was no-one at home to receive him. After waiting around for 5 minutes there was no sign of the family so I found the side entrance and shut him in the back garden. I'm sure he was safer there than running loose in the village.

Back home there was time for a quick coffee and a shower and shave before 30% and I drove over to The Bridge at Bidford on Avon for supper. This is a super little restaurant that 30% has dined at on a couple of occasions but it was my first visit. I have to report that it lived up to its reputation and was lovely*. The interior decor is a mixture of rustic and modern and it has a huge window running the full length of the dining area giving a view over the river. The food was great. I had chicken livers done in garlic and cream followed by Sea Bass with pasta, pesto and pine nuts followed by a Creme Caramel. 30% went for scallops and bacon to start, a very posh burger as her main and an Eton Mess variant for pud. It was a lovely start to the holiday and it was really nice to be out as a couple rather than as a family which is the norm nowadays.

We had coffee at home on the sofa and watched a film before retiring to bed knowing that the alarm will not need to be set for another ten days. Fantastic.

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* If I could make one tiny criticism,  their food deserves linen napkins. Paper serviettes will never do and their tariff suggest they could bear the laundry costs.

A Mind Reader I am not

For some reason I reviewed Monday's Journal entry today and noted that I expected to have a quiet week with Tigger taking over command...

... it just goes to show how crappy my foresight is. I have spent the past few days running around like the proverbial blue arsed fly re-assembling my team and developing an outline of the changes they need to make in the design of our project. This has been complicated by the fact that the Global Lead doesn't seem interested in anything outside the walls of his office and just seems to expect my revisions to appear on the required date as a result of a series of intertwined miracles.

His lack of communication is now being taken seriously by Christopher Robin and chums and an escalation seems to be on the horizon. I think they finally focused on this problem when I provided an email from an Australian colleague showing that they had absolutely no knowledge of the need for changes.

I held a kick-off call for the team this afternoon and it seemed to go reasonably well. I am hoping that their silence means that all is clear and they are ready to crack on. The realist in me knows that it is actually an expression of their lack of interest and the challenge for Tigger next week is to keep them on track.

Away from work I received a text message from the wordsmith formerly know as TP. He is limping his way around Iceland* on a school trip and the best he could manage when delivering a description of this land of fire and ice was ... "just going past volcanoes at the moment".

I suppose he is only limited to 140 characters.

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* the near bankrupt country, not the frozen food store

Here we go again

After hearing mutterings for the past couple of weeks, I have managed to pin down the Head Honcho in the US and got him to confirm that he does need me to provide him with an updated set of costs in about three weeks time*. This is the chap who is crap at communication and, once again, I got a single line saying "Yes, I need updated costs" but no detail of the changes that need to be made.

I have therefore spent much of the day working out how my work products will change so that my hastily assembled team can make a quick start rather than sitting around waiting for Mr Uncommunicative.

I knocked out a high level set of design changes but couldn't put them in front of the team until the Head Honcho had confirmed that they were appropriate. I therefore had poor Tigger chasing him around a Manhattan Office with the firm instruction to sit on him until he read and responded to my proposals. Tigger's role is mostly Bouncing and making up numbers and I really should have got Piglet on board for a game of Piggy in the Middle.

Eventually, about an hour before a much needed Gin & Tonic, Tigger called to say that the Head Honcho agreed with my proposals. This is a huge relief as it means that I can get the team heading in a clear direction before Tigger has to manage them remotely from down town, New York next week.

Other Stuff
We received a text from TP to let us know that the Blue Lagoon in Iceland was amazing. there was no mention of his foot so I am assuming that he did not leave swirling red trails, of the type most attractive to sharks, as he swam around these Geo-thermally heated pools.

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* If I hadn't badgered him, when would he have told me ?

Movie Quotes

"If you build it they will come" - Ray Liotta  in Field of Dreams

"If I drop the kettle, it will dent" - badman in The Kitchen

No, He is not going for a Pizza

TP or "Jammy Git" as he should more accurately be described is off to Iceland tomorrow for a 5 day Geography Field Trip. 30% and I have been to the Trip Presentation sessions and we both agree that Iceland is wasted on him and we would be far more appreciative of the tour. To be blunt it looks fantastic and takes in the Fire and Ice features for which this country is renowned.

I was therefore somewhat perturbed when he wandered downstairs at the weekend and grunted "I've got some sort of rash thing". I examined the rash thing and realised that this would need Professional scrutiny.  As a result I have had to prostrate myself in front of the Doctor's Receptionist begging and bending the facts to ensure that he got seen by a GP and was cleared to fly to Iceland.

After a couple of consultations we have been advised that all is well and it is likely to have been triggered by a recent throat infection. They have confirmed that it is not infectious and he can go and wander over glaciers and volcanoes.

We were obviously relieved so you can imagine how peeved I was when he walked in the house and managed to cut the sole of his foot. This was no minor scratch. It was one of those where you can see a trail of blood spots leading from the scene of the accident. After cleaning and applying pressure it seemed to stop bleeding. This was a good sign and I also managed to locate a "Rolls Royce" of adhesive dressings that was left over from my hand operation back in November last year. This was applied and he claims that all is well and that he can walk.

I thoughtfully added extra Elastoplast to his luggage and hope he heals quickly. 

Hand-over

I'm on holiday next week. We are not going away and, instead, plan to finish the "preparation" on the stairs and landing. Work, on the other hand, had a completely different set of plans for me and wanted me to fly out to New York tomorrow and stay there until Wednesday next week. Normally I would consider rearranging my leave to accommodate but we are at the end of the leave year, I have a nit picking, pedant of a manager, I really want to get the house finished plus a thousand other reasons why I decided I wouldn't travel to NYC*.

As a result Tigger will be my most capable Deputy and what little work I did today involved making sure he was as prepared as possible for the trip. This is a challenge in itself as the US Project Manager is piss poor at communication and we have scant detail of what he wants Tigger to do. To give you some idea of the low quality of this PM's communications let me precis his request for UK representation in the US this week. His request was a one line e-mail asking for a UK representative to attend a client meeting and preparation. This e-mail did not include any dates and neither did it include any address or agenda details, background information was as rare as Unicorn Pooh**...

... funnily enough, item one on Tigger's "to do" list is development of a Communications Plan.

With Tigger on-board and heading off to the US for the main activity I am drifting in a back-water this week and will be hard pressed to keep myself busy at work.

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* If we are successfully down-selected by the client there will be another opportunity in April or early May.
** I had to Instant Messenger him last week to actually find out when and where he needed Tigger.

Weekend Round Up

It is becoming a regular feature that Saturday and Sunday's activities are recounted in a single Journal entry going under the title of "Weekend Round Up". Not wishing to interrupt this evolving tradition here is a summary of this weekend ...

Saturday: Unleashing The Beast

After some non-specific pottering 30% and I headed towards deepest Stourbridge to drop the Land Rover off at The Defender Centre. The car should be with them for a week or so whilst various mechanical, cosmetic and functional changes are made. Under the bonnet the replacement of the dual mass flywheel and clutch will eliminate the judder that accompanies hurried exits from junctions. On the outside Alpine Windows will be installed in the roof which will then be colour matched to the body. On the inside there is a long list of improvements all aimed at making it slightly less van like; heated seats in the front, a pair of tip-up seats in the rear plus trim and insulation /sound deadening. Once finished I am guessing that I will be extremely reluctant to put anything shitty in it ever again.

Back home we lunched and then I took T&M around the Three Miler. The weather is stunning considering Spring has barely started. The down-side to this is that 30% keeps turning off the heating. I will break chronological conventions here by mentioning that being a late riser she is blissfully unaware that the nights and early mornings are still very chilly and that the heating most definitely still needs to be on until after breakfast.

Clambering back on to the linear time track I find myself back at home after walking the dogs. The lawn is looking dreadful after the Winter and I decide to unleash The Porn Mower in the vain hope that a trim will sort things out. This is very much like hoping that sticking plaster is a suitable treatment for accidental amputation and I really need turf, grass seed, exclusion zones and long hours with a sprinkler if I really want to use the word lawn with any credibility.

Sunday: Stair Repairs

After a couple of weeks off we were back at the Rugby Club this morning for a training session. Being conscientious parents we left TP there on his own and disappeared in to Redditch for supplies. The supplies were a large amount of paint, to be applied to the stairs and landing, and a small amount of groceries, to accompany a shoulder of lamb this evening. 

As is the norm; lunch was followed by a walk and I then made a start on the refurbishment of the stair case...

... The older parts of The Pile date back to the 1750s and the stairs are most definitely one of the older parts. Building techniques in those days tended to be along the lines of using what was near at hand and as a result there are some rather peculiar construction features to be seen in the house. These are all quite sturdy. They have, after all, lasted more than 250 years but their "finishing" is, shall we say, a little rough and ready.

The stair case is a classic case in point. A couple of weeks ago I stripped the paint from the trim panels on either side of the stairs. These were found to be made of elm and in pretty good condition. The only problem was that the gaps between the trim panels and the stair treads were large and unsightly and these gaps had been concealed with crude strips of 1/2" softwood. 

The plan is to sand, oil and wax these trim panels so the softwood strips have to go. I have therefore spent a good chunk of the afternoon cutting replacements from my supply of old, elm boards. These new strips are of a simple design but the addition of a bull-nose to the edges and front corner and the use of very old timber mean that they look to be part of the stair case rather than crude additions. I have cut half a dozen so far from a final total of eighteen. It doesn't sound like many but the strips need to be prepared from inch thick planks and each one needs to be individually sized...

... I wonder how busy I'll be this week?

Thought for the day

Tigger and I spent a huge amount of time on the 'phone today talking nonsense but we did manage to come up with this pearl of wisdom...

Pooh                I think the best thing in the world is finding half a Pork Pie in the fridge?

Tigger              Wouldn’t a whole Pork Pie be even better?

Pooh                No, because it is very difficult to prove that you have sneaked a slice of an already cut pie

Tigger              Ah, I see. In that case wouldn’t it be better to find two cut Pies in the fridge?

Pooh                It would.

Am I sitting comfortably?

The Car Trimmer called yesterday to let me know that he had finished the Land Rover seats. As a result my first activity this morning was to get some cash from the auto bank and then nip round to his workshop. I turned up and we had a natter and he joked that the seats were far too good for the Defender. We then got on to the subject of the refurb and he commented that the door cards were a bit scruffy. I agreed and asked about having them sprayed. I had been pondering their replacement but new cards were in the region of £350 and I had found that price a little off putting. He gave them a quick glance and said that he could have them looking as good as new for £50. A deal was struck and the car will be dropped down there as soon as it comes back from the Defender Centre.

My attention was then directed to the seats. I can quite honestly say I was lost for words. They look fantastic. I am guessing that they were a pretty straightforward task looking at the other vehicles in the shop. At the time of my visit there were two late 1980's Mercedes SL coupe's and a Range Rover all awaiting his attention. The Defender was, perhaps, a little outside his normal market sector.

As work was quiet I took the opportunity to install the seats as soon as I got home.

There is not a lot else to report; a long overdue haircut was performed and my troublesome camera arrived back from Canon's Service Centre. After a few initial shots I am not yet convinced that they have actually fixed the problem.

Man Hunt

Wednesday saw Tigger and me meet up at the Nearest Circle of Hell. There were a number of reasons for this outing and they are outlined below in order of importance:-

• My Social Development. 30% thinks it is very important for me to mix with other human beings on a regular basis. Apparently I get a bit "odd" if I spend too much time at home with just the dogs for company.
• Spreading joy and delight amongst our colleagues. My interpretation of some of the looks we got during the day suggested that perhaps were just a bit too joyful for some of the people in the office
• The barter of half a dozen eggs for one medium cup of black coffee plus two empty egg boxes. The chickens are laying like maniacs now Spring is here and I badly need containers for the glut.
• General discourse on work in general and the continued character analysis assassination of the Idiot Manager. This latter discussion topic is now mandated whenever two or more job holders congregate for a period of more than 36 seconds. The discussion must be repetitive, not produce action items but must conclude that the man is, at the very least, a Tit.
• A game of "Hunt the Senior Daemon".

It is this final  activity that is the subject of today's entry. Tigger and I have been instructed that we must request Governmental Security Clearance in case we get seconded on to some work that may be on the horizon. This, as you might expect, involves filling out several forms, and providing proof of one's identity.

I was somewhat reluctant to send one of my empty hunny jars and Tigger just didn't get it. He pointed out that EVERYONE knew who Tigger is, even very small children, so why would he need to prove his identity? I pointed out that he might need to get in to a secure location when there weren't any small children around to verify his credentials and integrity. Tigger wouldn't accept this until I pointed out that this might occur after their bedtime.

Tigger and I were still very reluctant to send in our passports as our job has a nasty habit of requiring us to cross the Atlantic at very short notice and this is tricky if your passport is 110 miles away on your Manager's desk. We therefore decided to submit a photocopy that had been duly certified, as a true and accurate copy, by a Senior Daemon at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell.

We foolishly thought it would be easy to find a Senior Daemon and wandered in to the Office we normally frequent. There was no sign at all of manager. We then wandered down to one of our old haunts and tried there. There was no-one of sufficient authority there either. Next on our list was a visit to see Grand Dad Jack. He knows everyone and we were sure he would be able to point us at someone...

... but there was no-one in Jack's lair* either. At this point we were getting desperate and wondered if a Restaurant Manager would do. Eventually, after three separate forays, Jack suggested we ask for assistance from one of his more rotund lionesses. She pointed us in the direction of a chap who was more than happy to validate a photocopy.  Job done, applications now in the post. The irony of this search is that Dante's is notorious for having a huge number of Daemons but on the one occasion you need to find one they are conspicuous in their absence.

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* Jack's resides in his lair like a venerable, but still sprightly, lion. His favourite resting place gives him fine view of the plains and frequent sightings of young lionesses.

Status Report

30% is now 36 hours in to her three day Jolly in the Netherlands. I am writing this for her benefit as she will be fearing the worst and will envisage TP and I as having gone feral without the benefit of her ministrations...

... Fear Not! We are not sat half naked, surrounded by our own waste, picking nits from each other's hair...

... Yet!

If you ignore me ...

... I do not go away.

For the past few days at work I have been managing the compilation of a set of questions that we would like our prospective client to answer. This has been run with a very tight time line imposed by the US Team. As a result I have spent much of my time attempting to persuade, cajole and on occasions subtly strong arm SMIs* to deliver the goods.

One of the SMIs was on holiday last week so I persuaded the Americans to extend their dead line and then worked with the SMI's Team Leaders and Managers to ensure that he was available to do the job first thing this morning. There was a fair bit of work for him to do so I wanted him to start as early as possible so that everything could be finished and fired over to The States before they woke up.

Being a courteous sort of chap I refrained from 'phoning the SMI at eight o'clock when I started work. Instead I sent him a text asking him to contact me as soon as he started work. I followed that up with an Instant Message and, when nine o'clock finally arrived, I phoned ...

... no answer, so I left a detailed voice message and waited...

... and waited. I needed to pop out to drop the Defender seats and covers over at the Trimmers so I updated the IM and left a further VM and nipped in to Redditch. I got home about 40 minutes later and checked my inbox, the IM tool and my phone. No contact from the SMI...

... I started chasing colleagues of the SMI and discovered that he was en-route to my Nearest Circle of Hell so I nudged a colleague at that location and asked them to "collar" the SMI and tell him I needed to talk to him urgently ...

... Eleven o'clock came and went and I had left further voice mails, additional IMs but not a peep was heard from the SMI. I eventually got hold of him at around eleven thirty when he advised that he was working on another project and had no knowledge of my request for his time or need for his services. He did comment that he had several missed calls from me. At this point I tried to put myself in his place and failed miserably ...

... If my mobile was showing half a dozen missed calls from the same number, a text message, a few detailed voice messages advising of an urgent task and a number of instant messages showing the same requests I think I would ring the Requestor back as soon as possible and try to get things resolved. This SMI decided that he would totally fucking ignore me, presumably in the hope that I would just disappear.

The little git refused to make a start on my task and it was only after a low level escalation and plea to another colleague that he actually, grudgingly agreed to start the task he was bloody supposed to do in the first place.

I really hope that he asks me for feed back as part of our appraisal process.

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* SMIs: Acronym, Subject Matter Idiots (plural). Please note that unfortunately there is always more than one SMI. Like the word Gallows there is no such thing as a singular form of SMIs. Thinking about this I wish that SMIs were even more closely connected to Gallows**
** in a sort of ropy, dangling way

Weekend Round Up

Saturday started at a leisurely pace. After breakfasting I spent an hour or so removing the driver's seat from the Defender and also stripping out the rear load space mat. This latter task involved partial removal of the Dog Guard to free the  fitted rubber mat from the rear of the car. With the cab and rear finally empty I could give it a long overdue clean. I am working on the, probably deluded, principal that the cleaner the car is when it goes in to the workshop the cleaner it will be when it returns.

Just as I got in to the car cleaning activities I was forced to take a break to pick up TP who had spent the night at a friends house. They had had an inaugural band practise session and by the look of him it had been a late finish. He refuses to admit it, but he isn't an "owl" and late nights do him no good at all. As a result I was collecting a teenager who appeared to have lost most of their mental capabilities and had a response time that was measured in hours rather than seconds.

This meant that the trip to the local Garden Centre for Mother's Day gifts was one where I did the thinking, choosing and paying and he could only be relied upon for the necessary supporting role of "Hanger on". To be fair it was a successful trip and suitable gifts were purchased for both Step and Natural Mothers.

The rest of the day was dominated by the final three matches of the Six Nations Tournament. I avoided the pre-match and half time analysis and just about finished cleaning the inside of the car. I have to admit that I am amazed at how tidy it looks now that the sand, mud, silt, grit, and feathers have been removed and a liberal dose of trim polish has been applied.

Sunday was another quiet one. After breakfasting together TP had arranged to spend Mother's Day with his Mum, brother and sister. This left 30% and me with a free day. We started with a walk around the Three Miler. This was my first attempt since pulling a muscle and it was taken at a leisurely pace. We were joined by 30%'s friend Jules and Max. Max is a Collie cross, rescue dog that belongs to a cousin or aunt or some other relative. Jules is dog lover whose lifestyle doesn't suit dog ownership and so has possibly come to a perfect arrangement where she has the pleasure of Max's company for walks but avoids the food bills and the crap in the garden.

After walking we lunched and then 30% nipped in to Worcester in search of luggage suitable for overhead lockers. I'm not quite sure why, as we have several, but apparently they were all too large and she wanted something smaller. With the wisdom that comes from ten years of life with 30% I bade her Good Luck in her hunt and wandered off to fit the borrowed drivers seat in to the Defender. I spent another couple of hours playing with the car; cleaning the grimy load space mat and packing the seats in to the rear for the trip to the Trimmer tomorrow morning.

Twinges

For the past three days I have been suffering twinges in my lower back. The reason for this, I think, is as a result of one of Marauder's idiosyncrasies...

... At one point in the Three Miler there is a stile to be crossed. The builder of the aforementioned stile thoughtfully constructed it with a gap of a suitable size for most dogs. Tyson leaps through with barely a thought whilst Marauder, on the other hand, simply refuses to climb through.

I have tried bribery with treats, they do not work. I have tried abandonment; walking more than 75 yards, that does not work either. She simply looks plaintively between the rails despite the fact that she could easily fit through. At this point I should mention that there are several other fences and gaps in hedges that Marauder will scramble through without a moment's hesitation but she will simply not climb through this stile. I have tried encouragement. I have even manipulated her through the gap. Nothing has succeeded she will not jump through.

As a result I have to lift her over each and every time we need to pass it. Normally this is a slick procedure, we both know the score; M waits patiently by the obstacle whilst Tyson charges away down the next field. I  place one hand between M's forelegs and the other under her abdomen and lift her over the stile. I must have down this more that four or five hundred times in her life without incident* but on Tuesday I felt a tug in my side and since then I have been considerably less mobile than normal.

I'm guessing that I have pulled a muscle and it appears to be slowly improving but for the past three days my walk has been restricted to a couple of circuits of the local playing field and T&M have had to be entertained chasing a tennis ball launched from a "wanger".** I have to admit that the first hundred yards of this walk is bloody painful but once I get moving I feel a whole lot better. It just goes to show that sitting at a desk all day long is most definitely not good for one.

Apart from the twinging muscle there is little else to mention. Work involves the collation of data from a number of sources in to single spreadsheet with the upcoming joy of having to review the contents on several hours of transatlantic conference calls early next week. Some days the fun just doesn't end.

The Defender refurb project also lurches forward with the arrival of the seat components today. These will be delivered to the Car Trimmer on Monday and the seats should be ready for collection by the end of next week.

30% has also managed to blag a three day Jolly Business Trip to The Netherlands next week so TP and I will be Home Alone from Monday through until Wednesday.

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* apart from a muddy footprint or two on my coat
** one of those Atlatl based devices that allow you to hurl a tennis ball a huge distance and also allow you to pick them up without the need to bend down,

Jumping forward a Generation

Yesterday evening we came forward a comedic generation and saw Rich Hall at the Glee Club in Birmingham. I am a huge fan of Rich and have seen him perform many times over the years. I have even been lucky enough to see him perform as his White Trash, Jailbird alter ego Otis Lee Crenshaw at this very venue.

It was a great night which ended with Hall being joined on stage by a guitarist and drummer to perform a set of improvised songs woven around interactions with some of the audience members. I had seen much of the material before on TV and even versions of the songs but that didn't diminish the man's performance. He got huge laughs from the crowd and it was a brilliant routine.

On the work front; Tigger and I are currently performing as a Duo when we really need the whole band. The task in hand isn't particularly arduous it is just that we need to do it very quickly and, unfortunately for us, most of the band are either performing at other gigs or are on holiday. The very short timescales are a real demotivator as it means that there will be no real opportunity for any quality control ...

... and if you are just chucking shit over the wall, why chuck anything at all?

Actually before I go, I will just give a few lines to the US Project Manager that is directing this activity. She is most definitely at the forefront of a totally new way of communicating. Tigger and I have sat and listened to her on several conference calls and we are in total agreement that on an individual basis we understand virtually every word she says. HOWEVER, when we attempt to combine them in to sentences and extract a meaning we haven't got a clue what she is on about.

She is also one for inventing words. Now I know that a malapropism often happens when one is talking but she  really does invent words. I have in my possession a spreadsheet that includes the word explosure. I took time out to Google this "word" and it only appears in the Urban Dictionary. Now this is a fine piece of literary work but you will generally find that it's contents are rarely used in formal meetings or communications. I therefore fail to see how a term describing clothes so tight they are at risk of ripping can be linked to finding details of server hardware and their interrelationships in a data centre.

Is it me?

Classic Comedy

Yesterday evening we went to see Barry Cryer perform at The Palace Theatre in Redditch. Barry is probably best know now for his utterances on Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue but he has spent the best part of 50 years writing material for, and working with, some of the biggest names in British Comedy. As a result he has a huge amount of material and anecdotes to draw from and that was how his set was assembled.

Basically he used the alphabet as his framework, going from A through to Z, reeling off jokes, stories and songs associated with each letter. He was joined on stage by pianist Colin Sell who is also a regular on "I'm Sorry ...". It was a great evening in a real gem of a Theatre.

I am no great fan of Redditch and this was my first visit to The Palace. It was a delight. It is a tiny venue seating an audience of maybe 400 people and it's diminutive stature means that it is very intimate. It dates back to just before the first World War and has recently been refurbished and provided with a modern glass fronted entrance. Prior to this encounter I would have said that there was absolutely no reason to visit Redditch. I can now think of one very good one.

Barry was very good and it was a shame that there were so many empty seats. A chap sat next to us in the front row had booked less than 24 hours before the show and there were 350 seats available including a number in the front row of the stalls. Mind you , if you have ever visited Redditch, the lack of Radio 4 listeners in the general populace will come as absolute no surprise.

It is probably worth mentioning that many of the jokes were older than 30% or me and it was interesting to see TP roaring with laughter at a Comedian who is nearly as old as his Grand Father. I thought Barry might be seen as a bit "past it" by TP but it just goes to show what I know.

A consequence of Barry's age is that this was described as a "sit down" rather than a "stand up" routine. Mind you the old devil did get up just before the interval for a couple of numbers sung to a different tune. This included the Laughing Policemen sung to the Dam Busters March and My Old Man's a Dustman sung to the melody of Heartbreak Hotel.

All in all it was a fab night out and the venue added to the experience giving it an old Music Hall feel.

A Chance Encounter

Lunchtime today found me frantically rushing around the kitchen knocking up a Shepherd's Pie for Supper. The reasons for the frantic rushing was that I had a conference call in the diary at one o'clock and the reason for supper being prepared in advance was that we are out this evening to see Barry Cryer at The Palace Theatre in Redditch.

Five minutes before the conference call I answered a knock at the door and was engaged in conversation by a Gentleman in his late 60's...

"Hello" says I. "Hello" he replied, rapidly followed by "I'm lost". At this point I expected him to ask for a particular road in the Village or perhaps a local Hamlet that is a little off the beaten track. I certainly wasn't expecting the next couplet in this conversation...

... "Where are you trying to get to?" says I. "Birmingham" says he.

At this point my brain took time out to consider the situation. I was stood talking to a man who was having problems trying to find Britain's second largest city. If he couldn't manage to locate Birmingham I could see him having some serious challenges locating a particular suburb, street or building in the aforementioned city. How many of us actually head out to an unknown location apparently without either map or satellite navigation unit these days? I know that I can be a little flippant about my preparations for a journey but even my minimalist approach includes noting down the destination address and taking either an Atlas or a Sat Nav. Sometimes, if I am really keen, I will plan out the route before I leave AND take a mobile 'phone and contact numbers in case I get lost.

This chap appeared to have taken none of these preparatory activities and seems to be relying on luck to get there. He was at least twenty five miles from his destination city and had got lost already. It is not as though he was just having problems with the final mile. This chap was obviously seriously out of his depth.

I suggested that he follow the main road and then take a turn and follow the signs for Redditch. Once in Redditch he would then pick up signs for Birmingham. He didn't look convinced so I advised that he could follow the same road towards Alcester and then pick up the A453 that would take him to the Motorway. "Which Motorway?" he asked. I nodded in jaded confirmation when posited the M42.

"Ah. OK. How will I know that I am going in the right direction as I have a habit of going the wrong way". At this point my incredulity level is off the scale. He added that he was heading for the airport so I suggested that he look for signs towards Solihull to keep him on the right track. He seemed reasonably satisfied with this and pottered back towards his car.

As he wandered off I pondered his obvious lack of planning, lack of resources and blind faith in support from chance encounters along the way.

A few months ago a Chap went missing on a journey along the M25 and was eventually found 30 hours later, safe and sound, but a little confused, parked in a London suburb. I remembered reading this and wondered who would let their elderly relatives drive journeys that are beyond their abilities? Apparently it is far more common than I thought and is definite evidence that there really are some bloody stupid people around.

Its all coming together

Debbie called this morning to let me know that the rear seats and sundry items for the Defender will be available for collection by next Monday at the latest. This was great news. Her next statement was music to my ears when she went on to say that if I paid cash there would be no VAT...  Result !

Next item on the list was a call to the Vehicle Trimmer and the seats will be dropped off next week and he should turn them round in a few days ...

... this was followed by a call to Marc at The Defender Centre and he can take the car in for the refurbishment and repairs in the following week so by Easter she should be magnificent.

Progress

A couple of weeks back 30% arranged for Steve* to call round to give us a couple of quotes.  One of these was to put a skim of plaster over the walls of the stairs and landing. Basically this part of the house is long overdue for decoration but had reached that point where all of the prep jobs take longer than the time available at a weekend and consequently just weren't getting done.This is now back on track with S&A coming at the end of the month for the aforementioned skim leaving 30% and me to spend our Easter  holiday with some serious sanding to do.  S&A will then return a few weeks later to apply paint to the now smooth walls and woodwork.

So what, one might ask, has this got to do with Sunday 11th March? Well today all three of us spent a good chunk of the day stripping off patches of wall paper and the gloss paint on the stairs to allow the aforementioned plastering to progress.

Breaks were taken for Rugby**, Dog Walking and also a trip down the Village to link up with Matt & Philip who are sons of one of 30%'s colleagues. M&P both own Land Rovers too and I had arranged to borrow a driver's seat for a couple of weeks while my seats are at the Car Trimmers.

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* as in Andy & Steve; The Decorators
** The England v France International rather than TP's escapades, of which there were none this week.

Am I sitting comfortably?

There is not a huge amount to report for today. After breakfasting with 30% we went our separate ways; she towards Stratford for some proper shopping and me just down the road for some Land Rover seat "shopping". After winning the seat covers I needed to obtain two rear seat frames and there is a very well known Internet retailer that is conveniently based a stone's throw away. I called yesterday evening and they were more than happy to have a look over what I had acquired and ensure that I bought the correct seat type...

... So I spent a happy 40 minutes in the company of Debbie discussing dogs, Land Rovers, Kids and erm Land Rovers and my order was placed. The parts should be here within a week and she even said she would "see if she could do something about the VAT if I paid cash". I now need to see if I can borrow a driver's seat from anyone or my car will be off the road for a week or so while the Trimmer does his stuff.

The rest of the morning was filled with a walk around the Three Miler a which then meant that the afternoon was free. This allowed me to watch the Wales v Italy Rugby International, have a short kip on the sofa and then remove the passenger and centre seat from the Defender...

... and surprisingly these activities were all completed without swearing.

C is for Canon ...

... yes and c is for c**ts too but I'm going to do my damnedest to get this down in chronological order so I'll get to that multinational in a few paragraphs ...

... The day started early with a quick run up to The Defender Centre which sits in Banjo Country between Bromsgrove and Stourbridge. My initial reception was definitely one of disinterest until the Mechanic released that their absent salesman had not invited along a customer who wanted a sows ear turned in to a silk purse. Once they had take a look at the car and the wish list they realised it was all doable and turned positively enthusiastic about the job and a few other odds and ends that would really tidy up the appearance of the car.

At this point I'll just get back to the Defender Centre Salesman for a couple of observations. I had arranged to see him on Friday morning and so was somewhat surprised to have to talk to him via a mechanic's mobile because he was at home "watching an auction" and wouldn't be in for about half an hour. Now I have an expectation of a car salesman. I expect them to be unreliable, and he had definitely ticked that box, I also expect them to be creative in their Bullshit and I think he had totally failed by telling me the obvious truth here. The stupid bugger was  sat at home with his trousers round his ankles looking at porn on the Internet whilst he waited to place a bid on an eBay auction during the final 40 seconds.

Anyway, moving on, they agreed to work up a quote and I left to get back to my working day. At home sat in front of the laptop I heard T&M announce the arrival of the Postman. I wandered out to pick up the post and spied a letter addressed to me. I opened it to find a letter that appeared to indicate that Canon want me to pay for the repairs of my camera despite a) being under a US warranty and b) having offered to undertake reasonable repairs on a goodwill basis. The letter was a standard quotation with no reference to my complaint or any previous communications so I phoned them for clarification...

... it transpires that they will not repair my camera on a good will basis and their previously undefined reasonable costs now seems to vary between £30 and £50 depending on which Customer Service Manager I spoke to. At present the repair quote sits at £170 and I pointed out that £72 of that was an inspection cost i.e. a Service that they had already agreed to undertake free of charge and a further £9 was to clean a lens that was less than 9 months old. I pointed out that approximately 50% of their quote was for stuff I either didn't need or stuff they had already agreed to do free of charge. In other words it was, and their is now other way of stating this, artificially inflated.

The current situation is that they have agreed to revise the quote, I will then pay for the work and then claim the costs back from Canon US. I may go with this plan or alternatively I may go to their Director as, after three requests, they agreed to provide his name and address. At this point I think it fair to say that the customer service offered by Canon is absolutely fucking appalling as  they have reneged on their promise and provided an artificially inflated quote in an attempt to support their position. They are fucking charlatans.

Having finished my rant at Canon I then decided to chase up the location of my Land Rover Seat covers so I phoned the Second Hand Car Dealer in Coventry that had sold them to me. I asked for "John" as that was the name on the e-mail advising that they had been "lost". I was told, in a somewhat suspicious tone, that there was no-one called John there. At this point I changed tack and advised that I was calling about the Land Rover Seat covers. The chap also changed tack, went in to full on sales mode and started telling me what a fantastic set they were and that I could have them for £150. I let him ramble on for a while before advising that I had won them in an eBay auction for £25, had already paid for them and had now been told they were "lost"...

... There was a tumbleweed moment whilst the Salesman shifted a few mental gears before advising that a) some mistake had been made and b) I could not have them for £25. We both knew that the covers, if they were as described, were a steal at £150 so I really didn't want to upset the apple cart and end up with a refund so I let things play out. The chap was a true salesman and told me I could have them for £100. After a bit of tooing and froing we agreed on £80 and I climbed in to the car to pick them up before he changed his mind.

Once home I examined the goods and I think it fair to say that I have a very good deal. Lord knows how this chap came across these covers but there are three front seat covers and eight rear seat covers. They are all in "as new" condition and the only issue is that some of the seams have been cut where they were removed from the original vehicle. As a consequence I will need the services of a Car Trimmer but there is one just down the road who has quoted £150 to fit them.

So today has been one of ups and downs. I am really very cross with Canon and really very pleased with the seat cover deal. I suppose on balance things are heading in the right direction.

Oh, and I did some work too.

Is that Rat I can smell?

At the beginning of the week I spotted a company selling a full set of half leather seat covers for a Defender on eBay. Now these would really improve the luxury rating of the Land Rover so I watched them with interest ...

... yesterday evening they were still at 99p so I placed my bid about 40 seconds before the end time and waited with baited breath ...

... Result! I was the winner for a little under £25 plus postage. I promptly paid and started dreaming of how the car would look with half leather seats. I couldn't believe my luck as the auction had a "Buy it Now" price of £150 and I had won it for a sixth of that price...

... in the corner of my mind a niggle started ...

... this evening I received an e-mail from the seller advising that I should refrain from paying as the set of covers had been misplaced during a relocation to new storage facilities and they would contact me once the items had been found.

My cynical mind translates this as "we really expected to get more fore these items and are hoping to fob you off with this excuse allowing us to re-post them at a later date". I have replied advising that I have already paid and asking for them to contact me to progress this matter to a satisfactory resolution.

The realist in me is seeing taking this through an eBay Dispute process ultimately ending with me getting a refund rather than a set of seat covers worth the best part of £400.

Watch this space to learn which Coventry Car Dealer to avoid like the plague.