Catching Up

Friday: A floor gets laid

After much procrastination I finally chained myself to the Laptop and completed the first draft of my Presentation. The driving force behind this sudden flurry of activity was an instant message from IM offering to review my work so I thought it a good idea to have something to review. That session went reasonably well and, although I have some work to do, I am heading in the right direction.

On the home front; Chippy Ian arrived bright and early and made a start on laying the floor boards. By the end of the day just over half the room had been finished and it is going to look fantastic on completion. Ian thinks it will be done by Monday and I will then take over and fix the skirting boards and convert the corner alcove in to a cupboard. I just hope that my carpentry skills are up to it. Ian also gave me a mission to complete over the weekend as he needs about one hundred and fifty oak plugs cutting to conceal the screws that hold the oak boards to the joists. He will also need to come back at some point to finish the installation of the fireback but his work schedule and the need to acquire vermiculite and fireproof mortar means that this will be at some yet to be defined point in the future.

Saturday:

Today started with the now regular trip in to Redditch to drop TP off for his voluntary duties at the Charity Shop. 30% accompanied me and we killed several birds with the same stone by combining this trip with a visit to the Super Market and other retail establishments. Key visits were the Butchers where we collected the leg of pork for the next air dried ham and the Gallery next door where, after two weeks of waiting, the half wit manager presented us with three mounts that were the wrong size. After the two week wait we were somewhat riled when he advised that he could re-cut the mounts and have then ready by lunch time…

… needless to say we took a refund and I found myself cutting the mounts later in the afternoon.

The day continued at a leisurely pace and we were joined for supper by 30%’s brother’s Girlfriend who, from this point forward will simply be referred to as Emma because the relationship based descriptive is far too complicated for my liking. She had been made redundant this week and Stevie is in Madrid at the moment so she joined us for “tea and sympathy”. She has taken this really positively and is already polishing up her CV and linking up with contacts to find a new position.

Sunday: Air Dried Ham - day one

It was another early start with a walk around the Three Miler with T&M whist 30% dropped TP off at the Rugby Club for pre-match practice. We then drove back to the club later to watch the match …

… it is probably best if I leave it there as they had an appalling match, played indifferently at best and got their sorry arses kicked by a very strong opposition.

After lunch I dragged the leg of pork from the fridge and started the air drying process. It is now sitting in a large plastic box, packed with 25 kg of salt and underneath a weighted board. It needs to be salted and pressed for 3 to 4 days per kilogramme of pork and at 14.5 lbs it will be the end of the month before it is ready to be washed, wrapped and hung up in the garage to dry.

I spent most of the remaining afternoon out in the garage where I was supposed to be cutting oak plugs for Ian…

… I actually found a few off cuts of oak floor boards and knocked up a picture frame instead.

It was an early night too as I need to haul my sorry arse out of bed at five o’clock tomorrow morning to catch an early train up to London. It looks like my quiet spell is coming to an end.

Things are starting to happen

Chippy Ian arrived at the crack of sparrows this morning and after half an hour of catching up with each others' news he made a start on the Dining Room. I did my best not to disturb him but seemed to supply an endless stream of tea so I could avoid doing what I was supposed to be doing and check on progress instead.* By the end of the day the floating joists had been tied together by inserting a small forest of noggins and the slate hearthstone was settled on a solid bed of mortar.

On the work front I have been tasked with progressing a new project which is associated with an existing Client's Account. I spent a few hours digging around  to get an idea of what I was supposed to be doing. It was the usual mess of unclear requirements, a Sales Team that want it done as quickly and as cheaply as possible and Account and Delivery  Executives that have only recently joined the team. It came as no great surprise that there had been relationship and client satisfaction issues and a combination of new management combined with a history of crappy service performance doesn't bode well for getting to the route cause or any fundamental facts for that matter. Scariest encounter of the day was with a colleague who performs an almost identical role to mine within the confines of the Account. He advised that he was a Contractor, had been in the role for three months, had no idea of his roles and responsibilities and had no training in the tools he was required to use. This is the equivalent of trying to buy a steak from a Vegan Butcher who has never held a knife before ... it is no wonder that Dante's is having problems if this is the calibre of personnel they are willing to employ at considerable expense...

... I gave up for the day and put my glad rags on as we then went over to the Artrix in Bromsgrove to see Mark Watson's stand up show, The Information Tour. It was a great night and he delivered a rapid, verging on manic, stream of anecdotes, jokes and stories with a nervy but engaging style. I have to say that he deserves a Geography House Point for knowing the capital city of Burkina Faso.** In summary it wasn't the best stand up performance I have seen this year but it was an engaging routine and I'd definitely watch out for his next show. 7.5/10.

---

* I was required at intervals to assist with shifting the fire surround, the positioning of the hearthstone and sundry fetching, carrying and lifting activities.
** Ougadougou

For the past two days ...

... I have been mostly avoiding developing a PowerPoint presentation.

I have however made it to the tip as Chippy Ian is here tomorrow to make a start on laying the Dining Room floor and I needed to dispose of the old chipboard flooring panels.

Ouch!

Monday was one of those rare days when I had nothing pressing to do. My recent documentation activities are just about complete and all I needed to do was to chase a couple of colleagues for their missing contributions.

I therefore took time out and finished off my mirror project by waxing the frame and inserting the mirror glass. It now hangs in the spare bedroom and goes rather well with the chest of drawers I refurbished a month or so back.

The day ambled on and I filled an hour with a walk and eventually it was time to collect the Defender from the workshop...

... Mark was his usual self and enthused about the general condition of the car, the fact that the Land Rover market was still quite buoyant and that following the refurbishment it was probably worth £500 to £1000 more than I paid for it four years ago. Unfortunately this did little to soften the bill for the service, MOT, brake callipers and CV joint.

 I now need to seriously disturb the wallet moths.

First Match of the Season

It was another early start today and I found myself out on the Three Miler well before nine o'clock. TP had a rugby match this morning and plan was to get the dogs walked beforehand so that 30% and I could spectate.

The first Under 16 match of the season was a reasonable start and although TP's team didn't win they put in a great performance, scored a couple of tries and held a more experienced team at bay. It will be interesting to see how they perform against some of their old rivals after a little more training and more match experience.

In the afternoon I retired to the garage and made a few adjustments to the rebate in the mirror frame I glued up yesterday. I then flipped it over, sanded and oiled it. Tomorrow's goal is to apply a coat of wax and insert the mirror glass.

And that is the sum of Sunday's activities; a quiet day at The Pile with some amateur sport and a pinch of DIY.

Project work

Saturday started with a flurry of activity and by eleven o'clock I had dropped TP off at the Charity Shop* and had taken T&M around the Three Miler. On my return it was time to get myself tidied up and 30% and I were out again. This time it was to a local Butcher to order a tunnel boned leg of pork for the next air dried ham. We took a sample of the ham we had unwrapped and sliced last weekend as it was purchased from the very same Supplier. I think it was fair to say that the Butcher was impressed by the product of our labours and took a few slices for his colleagues and Boss who is an air dried ham aficionado. I'll get the expert verdict when I pick up the leg next weekend. We then went back in to town and collected TP and a few groceries.

In the afternoon I retired to the garage and spent a couple of hours turning a few lengths of elm floor boards in to a mirror frame. I had plugged the nail holes in the boards last week and today I got medieval with a belt sander before routing a rebate to hold the mirror glass and a decorative beading on the face of the boards. It was then a case of cutting the mitres and using biscuit joints to hold the frame together. I glued it up and left it sat on the work bench to set.

If all goes well it will be sanded and oiled tomorrow.

---

* He "volunteers" there. I didn't leave him there to be put on a shelf with 50p scrawled inside his jacket.

Nearly finished

It was another quiet day at the laptop as I polished prose and inserted contributions from colleagues. I fired an updated copy over to IM and he eventually got back to me advising that he had only read half of it but that it looked good.  I'm on target to finish and submit it early next week and then just have the associated Presentation to develop ...

... I'm not sure how I feel about the Presentation. I know my subject and the documentation is accurate and of good quality. I guess I am just worried about "left field" questions putting me off my stroke.*

---

* Having read that I have to say that I have managed to produce a dreadful mixed metaphor resulting in the intriguing concept of Baseball with combined Rowing.

This Sounds Expensive

I had an early start this morning as I had to drop the Defender off for a Service and MOT test. I left it in the oily hands of Mark at MP Trading and went about my day. Calls were listened to, documentation was drafted and IM was true to form in that he "totally forgot" that he had agreed to review some material when I gave him a gentle nudge late in the afternoon.

Towards the end of the day I called Mark to see whether the car was ready for collection. He advised that it had passed it's MOT test with only a need for two rear shock absorbers but ...

... it really needed a new ball joint fitting at the front and inspection of the front brake calipers showed that the pistons were corroded. He advised that he could replace the pistons but the labour costs meant that new calipers were actually the more economical repair. It looks like I am going to be driving the courtesy car until Monday as the workshop is very busy and he will need to squeeze it in around a few jobs.

As it says at the top of this entry ...

As Dull as Monday's ditch water

If I thought yesterday was a non-event, today was even worse. I completed the re-write of my documentation and arranged for IM to actually review it properly and provide some feedback. That was it. That was how I spent my entire working day.

To break the massive tedium I did take a walk around the Three Miler with T&M and also had a brief spell pottering in the garage.

The only news of any import is that TP played a rugby match for the school team and managed to damage his little finger within a couple of minutes of running on to the field. The good news was that his team won 15:10, the bad news is that he may have broken his little finger which could mean that he has to defer his Grade 5 Guitar examination. Like the concerned parents we are, we decided to see how it improves over the next day or so before deciding on taking a trip to A&E.

Wordsmithing vs Taxi Driving

Tuesday was a quiet day spent re-drafting a reasonable chunk of my documentation and calling in favours from colleagues where I would like them to make a contribution. As is usual I achieved less than I would have liked but am on target to have a finished product by the beginning of next week.

Away from work I headed out on the Three Miler suitably prepared with scuba gear  and wellingtons. I was disappointed to find that all of the flood waters had subsided apart from a single, shallow fluddle.* It was easily avoided but I wandered through the middle in attempt to justify the discomfort of walking in wellingtons.

In the evening my grumbling stomach told me that the rugby season was definitely here as supper was delayed by a couple of hours to fit in with mid week practice. There also seems to be a significant increase in the demands on Dad's Taxi Service with a pick up from school** and two return trips to the rugby club.

---

* fluddle: noun, a pool of standing water too large to be a puddle but too small to be called a flood. A fluddle must be large enough to cover the full width of a road to merit the term.
** one of his bloody mates managed to tear away one of the retaining straps for the tip up seats in the back of the Defender. I swear if I ever meet that child in a darkened alley ...

Splosh

After what seemed like twenty four hours of rain it was another miserable day as I sat down at my desk to start the working week. My motivation levels were still minimal but I had a review call arranged with IM this morning to see whether I had wasted my time last week. True to form IM had failed to read either the meeting invitation or the draft document embedded therein so was typically unprepared for the call. He read through my work on the hoof and advised that I was well on the way but needed to hone my work to have more impact. I am somewhat encouraged by this but the cynic in me would have preferred it if those comments had come after a thorough deliberation rather than a hasty skim through.

Early in the afternoon the rain had eased off somewhat so I grabbed my hat and coat and took T&M for a walk. At a couple of places the roads were ankle deep in water and I had to take to the overgrown verges to avoid getting wet feet...

... However, as I neared home I was confronted by one hundred yards of flooded road and a choice. I could either turn back and walk five miles rather than three or attempt to get through the flood without getting a soaking.  At this point in the route the drainage ditches had filled and were overflowing back on to the road through the gullies that are cut in to the earth verges. I was presented with a narrow strip of overgrown land that I needed to traverse. To my left was a flooded road and to my right was an overflowing ditch. Marauder had already made some investigations of the depth of the flood water and in places it was a foot or more deep.

I started to make my way along the verge and periodically had to step over gurgling gullies that were emptying on to the road. After seventy or eighty yards I was presented with a dilemma. The flood water now covered the verge and my way was now blocked unless ...

I must have a word with the infographics team.

... if I could manage a four foot jump from a standing start I would be able to clear the flooded ditch and use the fence on the other side as a horizontal ladder to clear the last few yards of flood water. I leapt with a rare degree of grace and landed with the tiniest of splashes. I was still quite dry and all I needed to do now was clamber along the fence past the deepest part of the flood. T&M obligingly followed getting very wet. My plan was working and after thirty feet I could see the road rising from the flood waters. All I needed to do now was jump back across the ditch and I would be home dry within a quarter of an hour. I turned so that I was facing the span and again jumped from a standing start. I landed right at the very edge of the flooded ditch and time slowed as my left foot lost it's grip and slid down in to the depths ...

... my leg went in right up to mid thigh and it was a very soggy walk back through the village.

Filling Time

Bright eyed and bushy tailed we all loaded ourselves in to the car for the regular Sunday morning trip to the Rugby Club. 30%, T&M and I took off for a walk around the fields and woods whilst TP trained. We got back to the pitches around eleven to be instantly pressed in to signing a permission slip ...

... it appeared that the Under 17s were short of players and TP had volunteered to move up a year group and help out. He joined the game for the second half and ended up out on the right wing where he had a reasonable game. He didn't really get to run with the ball but made a good few tackles and no mistakes. The only downside to this first game of the season was that the rain started about twenty minutes before the final whistle and we were all quite soggy by time we climbed back in to the car.

I had nothing planned for the rest of the day and found myself out in the garage where I sorted out some lengths of old elm floorboards to be recycled in to a mirror frame. Last week 30% found an old bevelled mirror glass at the Charity Shop where TP volunteers and, with a little time and effort, it will be converted from junk in to a reproduction antique. I spent an hour or so dismantling the mirror and trimming the boards to a consistent width. I also cut some elm plugs and used these to fill any nail holes that would otherwise be visible in the finished piece...

... a few worm holes add character but a nail hole just looks shite.

Junk or Raw Materials?

Air Dried Ham: Day 282

Around the middle of December last year I bought a leg of pork with the aim of producing another air dried ham. After three weeks packed in salt it was washed in white wine vinegar, lovingly wrapped in a muslin shroud and hung up in the rafters of the garage to dry. Now nearly nine months later it was time to examine the fruits of my labours ...

After nine months hanging in the garage a dark green mould could be seen through the muslin wrapping.  Mind you, in view of some of the recent projects, it could just be an accretion of sawdust.

After unwrapping it was apparent that the mould was restricted to the cut surface of the ham. The skin was spotless, incredibly hard and a deep tan in colour.

There was absolutely no odour emanating from the ham and the next stage was to give it a thorough washing in white wine vinegar before paring away the outer surface. It was then a case of lugging the bacon slicer in to the kitchen and loading the ham in to the cradle.

 The first few slices were very dry and more akin to Jerky than ham but after a few more cuts we were rewarded with millimetre thin slices of a prosciutto type delicacy. It has a robust flavour with a saltiness that screams out for an accompaniment of wine or beer. I think it fair to say that I'll be starting the cure on another in the next month or so.

Lacking Enthusiasm

In an attempt to get some feedback on the documentation that has been my focus this week I fired off a copy to a senior colleague and also set up a review meeting with IM early next week. The lack of clarity on what is required is a great demotivator and, to be honest, I did very little other than that in the final working day of the week.

At lunchtime I hitched up the trailer to the Defender and set of for the centre of Worcester to pick up the slate hearthstone. I took the trailer as I had no idea how heavy the stone would be and didn't fancy wrestling it in and out of the Land Rover if it weighed a ton. I also took the view that if it was really heavy it could just sit in the trailer until Chippy Ian was ready to fit it. I subsequently found out that it was a manageable weight and took the stone mason's advice that it would be safer in the car where it stood less chance of being bounced around...

... I will obviously require TP's assistance to unload it before rugby training on Sunday.

The rest of the day was uneventful and in the evening we decided that cooking was not for us and took a wander down the road to see what was on offer at one of the local hostelries. We walked in to receive a number of "what are you doing in here" type looks from a group of drinkers at the bar and then headed towards the restaurant area which was ominously dark and quiet. It appears that it has, yet again, changed hands and the last management team removed all kitchen equipment on their departure* ...

... As a result we drove to a local that has very little atmosphere but has two massive advantages; it is very close to home and serves decent food at a reasonable price. There is nothing there that encourages one to linger so once our appetites were sated we headed back home and were relaxing on the sofa a few minutes before nine o'clock. It might seem a little lame to be home so early but, after a fairly busy week, popping out for a quick supper and then being able to chill on the sofa seems like the best of both worlds.

---

*This is not the first time that we have had this type of experience there and explains why we are such infrequent visitors. It really is a case of changing hands every couple of months.

Picture Post No. 17

Thursday was even more tedious than Wednesday and my frustration level is increasing as I fail to get any feedback on the work I am doing.  I have therefore opted for a Picture Post rather than continue to moan about work.

This little fellow was snapped at the San Diego Zoo back in 2006 and is a fair representation of what I would much prefer to be doing.

A Quickie

Not a lot to report for today; more words got typed but I have no idea whether I am producing literary genius or complete and utter bollocks. I really need to get an hour with Idiot Manager and get him to review the stuff and advise accordingly. I know that it is not exactly what he wants but I need to get a steer on whether I am heading in the right direction or so lost it would need military satellites to track me down. IM is one of the assessors of this piece of work and, for once, his opinion might actually be of some value.

Putting work to one side, I knocked off at a very civilised four o'clock as I needed to collect TP and one of his mates from school after rugby practice. I killed two birds with one stone by taking a slight diversion and dropped an old pine trunk over at Dave the Strippers. It is quite a nice old piece and is a great place to store the Christmas decorations but at some point in it's history it has either been stained or polished with a very dark wax. It is not a nice colour but a quick dip in Dave's tank should soon put that right.

Nose to the Grindstone

Today was most definitely not an exciting day and, to be honest, I don't expect much from the rest of the week either. I have been sat in front of the laptop drafting and redrafting documentation. I really need to get this job done and it will benefit me but I really don't like doing it. As a result I have to goad and bribe my self in to completing this task ... "No bad man, you can't have another cup of coffee until you've finished this section" or the traditional "Come on you lazy Fuck, you know it will be worth it in the end".

As a bit of an aside, as I was typing the preceding sentences I mistyped laptop and instead found myself sat in front of the alp top. Now that would have been splendid. I could really enjoy a few hours of Mountain views rather than this head scratching, keyboard pecking torture.

At the end of the day I had completed less than I had hoped for but more than I had achieved on Monday so at least I am heading in the right direction. I just hope that the material is up to scratch.

Away from work; I had my annual flu jab, the dogs got walked and TP was taken to evening rugby practice. I even found time to pop over to see BMS and SMS to drop off the photographs of Tilly.

As I said in the opening paragraph; not the most exciting of days.

Catching Up

I find myself watching the sun set on Monday and note that I haven't made a Journal entry since Thursday Last.  To be honest I have been just plain lazy so here is my attempt to make amends with a round up of the last few days.

Friday 
I managed to finish the piece of work off for the Americans by lunchtime and consequently had an easy slide in to the weekend ... well I would have if we hadn't got guests over for supper this evening. It was therefore a manic couple of hours as TP and I got the house looking straight before 30% arrived home from work. Our guests were Bond, Moneypenny, Rosie, Jim and their progeny. We had a lovely Friday evening catching up on each other's news and there was copious drink and laughter. 30%'s 24 hour roast leg of pork must get a mention here as it was absolutely delicious and was served like a mini indoor Hog Roast in baps with relishes and all the trimmings. As usual it was a "late one".

Saturday
As is now the norm I was tasked with taking TP in to Redditch for his voluntary session at the local Charity Shop. I combined the trip with a few chores and returned home with a new pair of jeans and sundry items from the DIY store. To be honest we had a fairly lazy morning day and the most significant activity was collecting the photos of T&M on our way in to pick TP up at lunchtime. The photos are great and it looks like I may be out in the workshop soon to make up a set of three frames as 30% has found just the spot for these family portraits. Actually this is definitely a new entry on the "to do" list as 30% returned from collecting TP from the Charity Shop clutching a large bevelled mirror. It's frame was in very poor condition but the mirror itself was lovely so it looks like I will be out in the workshop making four frames.

After lunch I took T&M for a wander around the Three Miler whilst 30% dropped TP off at a music festival being hosted by one of the nearby villages. He disappeared with two cans of Carling Black Label and strict instructions to a) not get drunk and b) make sure he got his arse on the eleven o'clock bus that night ...

... unbelievably he managed both!

Sunday
Sunday morning was consumed by Rugby Practice so 30% and I filled the time  by wandering over the fields of the local estate with T&M.

In the latter part of the day we were at home to visitors and received 30%'s brother and GF for afternoon tea and Jules arrived to join us for Sunday Dinner.

Monday
It looks like I may have a quiet week which is good as I have a few things that I really need to complete but first I had to be the dutiful father and take TP in to Birmingham Dental Hospital. His Dentist is concerned that some play fighting several years ago damaged a front tooth and that root canal work is required to ensure he keeps his smile intact. Specialist Consultation was required before the treatment plan commenced ...

... putting this in to plain English translates to us spending 3 hours enduring Birmingham's rush hour and paying £6.50 in car parking fees for an appointment that took forty minutes including the spell in the waiting room. The good news is that they are confident that the work is within the scope of his normal dentist and that the treatment will be carried out much closer to home.

The remainder of the day was spent in front of the laptop and ended abruptly with  significant swearing when a "session time out" lost the best part of an hour's work.

... and another

Today went reasonably well from a work perspective. I have given the American Team two out of the three cost deliverables they require and the outstanding one should be available within the next twenty four hours. All being well they will have a lovely weekend putting all those numbers in to a model while I have to endure the social whirlwind that 30% will have arranged for me.

Putting work to one side I can report that the timber arrived for the dining room skirting boards and joist reinforcements but the promised call back from the Stonemason about the hearthstone didn't happen...

... one more duck and I will have a row of them.

One step closer

Today I was head down for most of the day on a  new piece of work. We need to get some estimates pulled together very quickly to placate an upset client and attempt to oust a competitor. Fortunately much of the work will be done by my US colleagues and all I need to do is assist with some costing guidance. To use a culinary analogy; I'm out doing some of the shopping and they are stuck in the kitchen attempting to deliver haute cuisine.

When I wasn't on the 'phone or begging favours from colleagues I seemed to be making several cups of coffee for Paul the Plumber.  He was in to replace the radiators and pipework in the Dining Room before the floor is put down. The timber for the skirting boards and joist reinforcement arrives tomorrow, so all I need to do is get a date for the collection of the hearthstone and I can start nudging Chippy Ian to come and put it all together.

How the other half live

I found myself crawling out of bed at five o'clock this morning in order to be in London for a nine o'clock start. For reasons that are still not not fully understood I had been invited to the launch of a new Business Unit at Dante's Nine Circles of Hell. So I turned up at the appointed hour suited and booted, I registered at reception and affixed my name badge. After the obligatory bad coffee and mini pastries I wandered in to the Presentation Room found a seat and for once paid attention ...

... The Event was launched by one of the most Senior Daemons at Dante's and after a couple of minutes it was apparent that this was an auspicious occasion where three separate groups had been joined to form a new Business Unit. One of the aforementioned groups has a bit of a reputation in Dante's for a high degree of extravagance and it was apparent on this occasion where the Agenda included a free lunch and an end of day free drinks and networking session. There was also a massive amount of branded goods left lying around for attendees to stuff in to their laptop cases.

Working in a far, far more financially constrained Circle of Hell* I must admit that the Cynic in me thought that it would be a long, long time before this lot were dishing out free sandwiches and drinks again now they had Revenue and Profit targets. I did my best to educate them in the need to rein in their profligacies ...

... today's haul included two USB Memory Sticks, a pen, a leather business card wallet, a pocket sized USB mouse, an A5 hardback notebook and  a leatherette A5 Journal and pen.**

The laptop bag was so heavy I considered employing a Sherpa to haul it back to the Tube Station for me!

---

* a Severance programme every year for the past three years
** All goods featured subtle corporate branding

Back to it.

Monday; the first day of the working week, the key word there is “working”. After a fortnight off work I am back at my desk clearing e-mails and trying to work out what I will be doing over the next few weeks.

I had the fortunate situation of finishing my last piece of work on my last day before my holiday started and therefore there was not likely to be anything to do on that Project unless something had gone seriously awry. I appreciate that my Indian colleagues had made some ridiculous requests as I was about to finish but these would have either been completed by my buddy or have been thrown back at them as unachievable. Either way I wasn’t going to have to hit the ground running today.

After a trawl though my mail and a couple of instant messages it was apparent that I need to be in London tomorrow for a Security Services Sales Briefing.* After initiating the appropriate travel authorisations I carried on with the mission of completing all of those certification and review activities that had accumulated over the past two weeks.

On the Project front I noticed a flurry of communications about some impending work with a Client I have met with a few times over the past few months in deepest, darkest Dudley. It looked as though I was to be providing a supporting role on that deal but a call with Idiot Manager soon put me right … this was not the gig for me. This was a little bitter sweet as, although I was not really looking forward to carrying a supporting role, I have had a quiet year*** so far and a win would have been nice whatever role I was fulfilling.

The conversation with IM continued with him giving the briefest mention to my next project before taking an interesting turn…

… perhaps more on this in the next few weeks.

---

* I cannot tell you how excited I am about that **

** If anyone from America reads this it might be worth looking up the definition of the word sarcasm about now

*** A Global Deal lost and a handful of early bid stage successes but no final signatures

A Quiet Day

After a week at home Sunday was our last day of leisure before it is a case of "back on yer 'eads lads". In the morning we took TP to rugby practice and enjoyed a lengthy walk with T&M over the fields and through the woods on the nearby Estate.  The dogs got filthy and, as Tyson insists on attempting to climb in to the front of the Defender, I put aside some time in the afternoon to refit the dog guard.

The only other things worth mentioning was that the new pullets were let out in to their run today and unusually seemed to have enough intelligence to find their way back in to the coop at nightfall. * I also cleared the underfloor area around the radiator pipes in the Dining Room as Paul the Plumber is due to visit at some point this week to get them replaced.

I may have fitted in a snooze too.

---

*In the past scrambles in a dark run with a torch have been necessary to ensure less astute chickens were safe from the fox.

and this one wasn't any better

It was a reasonably early start today as TP needed to be dropped off in Redditch where he will be completing the Volunteering element of his Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award. For the next few months he will be assisting at a local Charity Shop and I was tasked with taxiing him in this morning. I made the best of this trip and managed to pick up a few groceries, order timber from the Builders Merchants, collect Chicken Run repair necessities from the DIY store and buy a couple of chicken drinkers from a feed store too. With that level of productivity I was panicking at the thought of what would be expected of me for the rest of the day.

Back at The Pile I changed down a couple of gears and drank coffee before wandering out the the garden to repair the obstinate gate on one of the chicken runs. After  the installation of a new hinge and latch and a couple of runs with an electric planer it was restored to full functionality ...

... the reason behind this flurry of poultry related activity is the new batch of pullets. They are currently shut in a coop to get used to their new home but, when let out, their run needs to be separated from the old lags to avoid any bullying until they are big enough to look after themselves.

A little before midday 30% popped out to collect TP and I continued with my efforts until the 'phone rang. It was the Vet and it wasn't good news, unfortunately Tog had stopped breathing during the operation and failed to respond to resuscitation attempts. I was left to break the bad news upon her return.

The rest of the day understandably progressed under a leaden sky ...

... the chicken run was netted to prevent youthful escapees and a grave was dug for young Tog.

Not the best of days ...

It wasn't the best start to the day when we discovered that Tog had been hit by a car. He clearly had a broken tail and was in a lot of pain but was still able to walk so it was straight in to the Vets for a consultation. After a couple of x-rays he was put on a drip and is under observation with a possibility of surgery tomorrow morning. The reason for the observation period is that a broken tail can sever the nerves that control bladder function and we could end up with either an incontinent cat or one that cannot urinate, either way euthanasia would be the only option. It is a case of fingers crossed that there no nerve damage and that he will go under the knife tomorrow to remove his tail and reattach the ruptured diaphragm.

Later in the morning Bad Man Senior and I went in to the wilds of Shropshire in search of chickens. It was a return to The Gobbets Rare Breed Centre where we purchased our first birds seven years ago. This time we picked out three Red Black Araucanas, two Barnevelders, a couple of Light Sussex and a pair of Brown Leghorns. to go with the three Marans that we acquired earlier in the week.

It was then home for lunch and an afternoon walk with T&M. For much of the Summer we have been avoiding the fields as it has been so wet but in the past couple of days we have finally been able to walk over the fields without getting a soaking. The dogs seem to enjoy the change and can charge around without the need for automotive vigilance.

30% popped up to the Vets, while I was walking, to take Tog some grapes and reported back that he was much brighter but, as yet, he had not peed. This suggest that he isn't incontinent but we still need to know whether he can actually urinate.

We finished the day with a drive up to the Why Not for an early supper, As the title says; it wasn't the best of days but sometimes you just have to do what you need to do.

They're only flat at the bottom!

Today's main objective was to pick up the oak from the flooring supplier in Stratford so I hitched the trailer up to the Defender and set out a little after ten o'clock. As pack after pack of boards was removed from the store I wondered about the capabilities of the trailer and have to admit that the tyres did look a little under inflated as I drove home at a sedate thirty five miles an hour...

... I realised why the trailer looked to be overloaded when it came to me single handedly unloading and it dawned on me that I had been carrying over a quarter of a tonne of wood! The seventeen square metres are now sitting in the Dining Room where they will acclimatise for a couple of weeks before Chippy Ian comes to fit them. All that is needed now is the carcassing timber to stabilise the floor joists and a few lengths of 150 mm x 25 mm PAR softwood which will be routed to match the skirting boards in the rest of the house. I plan to get that ordered from the Builders Merchant on Saturday when I take TP in to Redditch.

The rest of the day was pretty leisurely with nothing more strenuous than a walk with the dogs and I finally got around to culling the old hens...

... The local foxes will be having a feast tonight.

New Arrivals

I walked T&M straight after breakfast this morning as 30%'s idea to replace the chickens has now gone hypersonic ...

... I found her with iPad, 'phone and Poultry Breed manual canvassing the major local breeders to see exactly what young birds they had in stock. This morning we drove over to the other side of Redditch to meet Morris and to see his prize winning Cuckoo Marans. He was an incredibly well preserved eighty one year old and, after coffee and a chat, gave us free rein to make our selection from a group of twenty young birds. He had obviously selected his 2013 show birds already but these "rejects"were no scruffs and will be more than adequate as brown egg layers at The Pile. We selected three pullets at around sixteen weeks* of age and left with the sincere promise to return for a couple more if we were left with any more space in the coop.

It was then a case of back home to give the spare coop a sweep out and get them settled in their new home and start making some harsh decisions about the geriatrics they will replace. Later in the day 30% contacted the Poultry Breeder over in Cleobury Mortimer where we bought our first birds seven years ago. They have plenty of young stock available so we'll be away to the wilds of Shropshire at the back end of the week.

In the afternoon we met up with Bad Man Senior and Step Mum Sue over at a local Photographer's studio for the final element to their birthday present; Tilly was to be "snapped" and a portrait selected. T&M got in on the act too and were absolute stars, posing on the infinity wall with infinite patience. ** There were some wonderful shots taken and we will pop down in a few days to pick up the eight by tens. The nice thing about the session is that there are no fees*** but a £5 donation is requested for The Dogs Trust. There is also a chance that your pet can be featured on a Dogs Trust Poster or calendar.

After the modelling session it was back to The Pile for Dinner and to catch up with TP after his first day back at school. He was grinning when we returned as he has managed a crop of As and Bs in the first of the GCSE papers that he sat last year. I hope he performs as well with the remaining papers at the end of this school year.

---

* They should come in to lay at around 22 - 26 weeks but are put off by the shortening day length so there is a slim chance that they will lay this side of Christmas.
** Firm commands and a pocket full of liquorice work wonders!
*** apart from any prints selected, obviously

Almost a case of "cart before the horse"

30% was out early this morning for an extended gossiping session with the hair dresser.* While she was being attacked with Ladies Power Tools I wandered around the Three Miler with T&M and settled down with a book for a while.

After lunch 30% and I nipped in to Stratford with the aim of ordering the oak for the Dining Room floor. We failed miserably here as the Supplier was out on a job so it looks like I will be nipping in at some point later on this week. We did, however, nearly buy a dining table at a nearby antique shop ...

... it was a beautiful 1930's, Victorian style, solid Mahogany, extending table and we were just shy of striking a deal when we removed all of the decor *** to view it au natural. At this point we notice a single dent in the otherwise perfect surface that had been concealed by the central cloth runner.  Our ardour diminished and we headed on in to town to pick up a few supplies and complete a couple of errands.

It was an early supper this evening as TP and I met up with Chippy Ian, Mick and Shaky Steve for a ride out. We headed out of Evesham on the A46 towards Cheltenham. We then cut off the main road and travelled through Beckford and Bredon before coming in to Tewkesbury. From there it was a glorious run along the A438 towards Ledbury. I had a bit of a flashback in the vicinity of Hollybush as I realised that the last time I had ridden this road was more than twenty years ago and had crashed a Honda VF 500 FII after a tank slapper as I headed towards my Sister's for a weekend away from London.

Just out side Ledbury we turned on the the A449 and headed back towards Worcester. As we neared the car park for British Camp **** we took the B4232 that afforded us fantastic views across Herefordshire in the late evening sun. This back road took us through West Malvern where we picked up the B4219 and then the A4103 through Leigh Sinton and on in to Worcester. After a coffee break and a natter we crossed back over the Severn and headed back towards Evesham. TP and I peeled off at Spetchley Cross and were back at The Pile a little after nine thirty.

---

* Note to self: Remember to comment on how lovely her hair looks upon her return **
** Second note to self: Remember to actually look at the hair before commenting favourably this time!
*** It was set for six with glasses and serving dishes etc
**** aka Herefordshire Beacon, Malvern Hills

Time for an Inquiry?

This morning started with me hanging around for the dishwasher repair main while 30% headed out for supplies. The man with the screw driver eventually turned up a little before twelve and very soon had the task in hand ...

... it appears that at some point in the recent past one of the various plastic racks had become unclipped and when re-attached it had been misaligned which, in turn, meant that the door wasn't quite closing. The net result of this was a small puddle on the floor and the fee for this fix was a call out charge just shy of ninety quid! I appointed myself as Grand Inquisitor and set about interviewing interrogating the suspects. TP's "I was in Qatar" alibi seemed pretty watertight but 30% was uncharacteristically reticent on the subject and willing to absorb the cost of repair. The Court is now in recess while the verdict is being considered but I will leave you to draw your own conclusions.

After being relieved of ninety pounds I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M returning for a late lunch.

The afternoon saw 30% and I head over to Worcester to visit the Stonemason and order the slate hearthstone for the Dining Room. That completed we headed home but stopped off at a local Smallholder's store to see what Poultry they had available ... our birds a long past their best and lay very few eggs and it is time for a new batch. Unusually it is 30% that is taking the lead in this restocking and I am wondering whether she is hoping that attrition rather than a cull will deal with the current flock. The store only had modern hybrids available and that wasn't really what we were after so our Pensioners get to scratch around for a another day at least.

Back at home I finally finished the restoration of the Satinwood chest of drawers and these are now installed in the spare bedroom.

Junk Shop find

Paul the Plumber also turned up to size up the pipework that needs to be replaced in the Dining Room. Our main concern is that there are no joints under the floor as a leak would be a nightmare to fix. He took us through the various options and then left to work out what was the best option for us. He plans to pop over at some point next week to carry out the work.

As we settled down for the evening 30% piped up that she had arranged for us to visit a local Poultry Breeder who has some Cuckoo Maran* pullets available ...

... She is really keen isn't she.

---

*A traditional, dual purpose, French breed that lays incredibly dark brown eggs.

Back to it

It's that time of year again ... the rugby season has started and I found myself "encouraging" TP out of bed, washing up* and running him over to the club for a practice session. It was then back home for a late breakfast with 30% and out in to the garden for a session with The Porn Mower ... Christ it must have been wet here last week. The grass wasn't particularly long but the ground was sodden. I found out from conversations later in the day that it had been much wetter here than the traditionally soggy Gower and that flood warnings and constant rain had been the meteorological theme in these parts.

After hacking the lawn in to submission it was time to pick up TP and lunch before I hit the Three Miler with T&M. I had barely started when I bumped in to Paul the Plumber, his partner and their two Labradors. This was a fortunate meeting and within a few minutes had him lined up to come and see about replacing the copper radiator piping with plastic in the Dining Room. ** That was job number one crossed off the to do list.

With the walk completed I had time for a quick gluteal inspection of the sofa before it was time to hit the shower as we were out for Sunday Dinner with Trish and family. It may have been an early dinner but that just gave us much more time to chat, review photos from Qatar and catch up with all the news. It was a lovely evening but bed was a welcome sight after what had developed in to a fairly busy day.

---

* The bloody dishwasher has developed a leak
** On the subject of leaks, I don't fancy having one under an oak floor so the elderly, soldered copper is definitely being replaced with unjointed plastic

Home again

Saturday dawned sunny and bright and I took T&M for their last early morning walk along the tide line before we breakfasted, packed up the car and headed back towards Worcestershire. We have had a lovely week and have done very little other than eat, wander along the beach and read, sometimes that is exactly what you need and this was definitely one of those occasions ... a week of doing nothing.

30% and I really enjoy the sense of "convenient seclusion" at Pwll Du that is brought about by it's Pedestrian / 4WD only access. This means that despite the fact that it is only five miles or so from Mumbles it never has more than a score of visitors and often one has the beach entirely to oneself. I think there is a very strong chance that we shall visit again next February whilst TP is away skiing.

There were no particular high points to the week that need to be recorded here but it is definitely worth remembering that the rock pools around the edges of the bay are home to shrimps and these can be cooked in two minutes flat in a pan of boiling seawater. We only ate a few but they are very tasty fresh from the sea. This was definitely an appetiser that I would like to turn in to a main course if we visit again.

As we left I did my good deed for the day and provided Bob, our host, with a jump start. He had left this ignition of his Discovery on all night and needed to get to the top of the cliff to collect the scaffolding and Scaffolders for his next building project. He was going nowhere with a flat battery but I soon had him up and running.

So, after three hours we find ourselves at home with a large pile of laundry and three very attentive cats.  

Time to fuss them and slouch on the sofa, I think.

It's Elementary ...

Tuesday's itinerary included a morning walk out across the majestic sweep of Rhosilli Bay. TP and James flew their kite while 30% and I strolled and threw a ball for T&M. As we partook of a post perambulatory ice cream we noticed three grazing sheep each with a red mark on their back ...

... From this I deduced two interesting facts; firstly that these three had obviously been paintballing and we're members of the blue team, secondly and more alarming is the fact that there is a crack squad of ninja sheep out there going under the alias of red team!

It's Traditional

It's Bank Holiday Monday and true to form it rained all day. We all had a lazy day in and around the cottage apart from a brief trip in to Swansea to replace a dog lead that TP had managed to break the clip of on Saturday...

... He didn't even have the dogs at the time!

And ... Relax

I think it is fair to say that both 30% and I are slow to wind down but we are working hard to achieve a state of relaxation.

Sunday dawned bright and sunny and, after a leisurely breakfast, we left TP and friend James to swim in the surf while we wandered along the cliff path towards Caswell Bay. After forty minutes of walking we turned back as T & M would not be welcome on the beach. *

Back at Ship Cottage we lunched and the settled in for a snooze followed by my first foray in to the Kindle app on the iPad. TP and James managed to get themselves invited for a speed boat trip to the Marina in Swansea by the family staying in the other cottage in the bay.

The day finished with the boys attempting to fish from the rocks. Needless to say neither of them considered the rapidly setting sun and the clamber back over 100 yards of rocks in flip flops without a torch. They seemed quite surprised when I insisted on their return to the beach in the rapidly fading light...

... Bloody Kids!

---

* No Dogs from May to September

We're off at last

After a busy working week it was fair to say that I was not packed and ready to set off for Pwll Du at the crack of dawn on Saturday. As a result we spent a good part of the morning doing the things most people would have ticked off their "to do" list a few days ago; bags were packed, cat and chicken minding was handed over to VI and TP's hair was trimmed ...

... By half past ten I was to be found sat on top of the Defender cramming luggage into the roof bag and imagining myself setting off on an expedition rather than a week away in Wales.

The drive down was uneventful and we were arrived and unpacking a little before three. All I need to do now is change down a few mental gear ratios and get in to doing nothing.

I'm glad that's over

It is Friday. It is my last day at work before I have two weeks of holiday to do what I please.* I really should be kicking back, setting my out-of-office and clock watching until it is time to knock off ...

... Let me assure you that there was absolutely no chance of that scenario ever encroaching on my reality.

Today started with an urgent call with my Security SMIs. These idiots had failed to get their deliverable approved and I held a rather menacing fifteens minute call where I made it perfectly clear that I didn't want to know what happened yesterday but was far more concerned about what they were going to do today to put matters right.

My threatening tones must have worked as I had the necessary tick in the box about twenty minutes later.

This improved my demeanour somewhat but there was no way I was going to start winding down until after I had got through the Solution Review call with the VP at midday...

... The call went really well and after thirty minutes he gave us the go ahead to release our costs to the Indians.

I then had the opportunity to check my in-box and noted that the aforementioned team had contacted me four minutes before that call telling me to defer the reviews until I had reviewed my costs and reduced them; preferably by around 60%! **

After five minutes of swearing I politely pointed out that it was too late to rework and they would need to give me direction on scope and baseline changes if the numbers were to be changed. I also advised that a new solution was an option but that would take a few weeks to develop IF we could get SMIs and this would be way too late for their stated target contract signature date.

They promptly replied telling me they wanted a complete new solution ready for the end of next week. In a separate mail they requested another smaller, contradictory solution by end of day next Monday.*** after I had finished laughing my arse off I forwarded the mails over to IM ...

... It's about time he earned his salary.

---

* provided 30% agrees
** 6% might have been feasible but 60% suggests that the Lead Team don't have a sound grasp on reality.
*** that would be Bank Holiday Monday

Pulling it all together

It's not really surprising that I have missed a couple of Journal entries this week as work has been very busy. The principle activities have been ensuring that all of the necessary deliverables for a fixed price are available to send over to the Lead Team in India. The list includes finalising costs, multiple reviews and approvals and a Document of Understanding that ensures that the UK has its arse covered in the event of any nasty surprises.* It is fair to say that at the end of each day the last thing I wanted to do was write anything more.

Away from work the chap who bought the fireback on eBay was as good as his word and turned up on the doorstep on Wednesday evening to collect his purchase. Personally I wouldn't have selected a 5 Series BMW as my vehicle of choice for collecting a sooty, heavy, cast iron item but each to his own. We dissuaded him from attempting to put it on the roof bars** and watched him leave with it poking out of the back of his boot.

We also had an odd coincidence on Thursday evening ... a few days ago 30% mentioned that she wished we had hedgehogs in the garden and reminisced about the one that used to potter in her old garden and annoy her dog; Sell-by-date ... As I shut the door on the chicken coop I looked down and there in the run was a hedgehog presumably munching it's way through the huge number of slugs in the garden. I called 30% out to make the acquaintance of our newly discovered garden wildlife.

On Thursday TP returned from his trip to his Grandma's and was suitably impressed with the changes we had made to his bedroom on Saturday. To be honest neither of us had a chance to really catch up with each others' news as Chippy Ian called round this evening to give me the verdict on the Dining Room floor...

... after a quick examination his professional opinion is that it is not worth replacing the joists and that some carefully placed noggins will give the structure the integrity and stability necessary to support an oak floor. He is happy to do the work but I have a few preparatory activities to complete first. I need to get the local Plumber in to replace the radiator pipes with plastic as the last thing I want under a wooden floor is a leak. I need to get the structural timber and floorboards in to the room to acclimatise for a couple of weeks before Ian comes to lay them and I also need to source a slate hearth stone in order that he can install the new fireback too.

Sounds like a plan.

---

* it runs to over twenty pages but can be neatly summed up as "India pays for everything as they are getting all the profit"
** any rain and it would have been a lovely shade of "rust orange" by the time he reached Salford

Winding Down, I Wish!

I am now well in to the final week before my holiday which is also the final week to get a set of costs completed, approved and issued to India. As a result the focus has been pretty much directed on work rather than packing and winding down.

Monday was spent pulling the loose end together to ensure all the requirements had been covered and today's major activity was our full solution review. It only took the morning as our deliverable is relatively straightforward and it went well. We seem to have covered all the points and no major gaps appeared. Our Delivery Reviewer sees us a Low Risk from a technical perspective so I am hoping for an easy ride when we present to the Senior Daemon on Friday.

I can report that IM has returned from his long weekend and managed to add his usual magic to the day by gently admonishing me for talking to his Boss when he was out of the office and demanding to be included in an activity when I had already ensured he was on carbon copy...  He is, and always will be, a twat.

The rest of the working day was spent with my Buddy on this deal reviewing rewriting an Agreement to ensure that Dante's in the UK do not get shafted by the Indians if this deal ever gets signed. I eventually got home at around half past six after ten long hours in the Office to be greeted by two very excited and newly clipped dogs ... T&M have had their holiday haircuts.

I was hoping for an evening of vegetation in front of the television but that was not to be as VI and his long suffering wife turned up on the doorstep. This was good in a bad way as we were able to arrange cat and chicken feeding duties while we are away but it meant that after a long day in the office talking to people I had to spend my evening delivering social niceties when I would have rather shut down all but basic brain functions.

Finishing School

At the back of the garage is a dusty chest of drawers; we have had it for years. 30% found it in a Charity Shop and bought it after inspection showed it to be a very well constructed piece of hardwood furniture.* At some point lost in the mists of time it spent at few days in a Stripper's tank and since it's return has sat in the garage neglected and gathering dust.

It is destined to reside in the spare bedroom but before it gets anywhere near the house it needs to be refinished. Today I finally got "medieval on it's arse" with a variety of sanders, planers and other power tools. It is years since it was stripped but for some strange reason the drawers never fit properly afterwards so considerable time was spent planing, sanding and tweaking to ensure they actually slide in and out of the carcass without the accompanying curse of "get in their you little bastard". Apparently an application of soap on the runners is the coup de grace to stubborn drawers. I promised I would try that after I had finished with the belt sander!

After several hours working through the abrasive grades I finally ended up with a silky, smooth finish on the piece and, after dusting down, applied a coat of Danish Oil to the carcass. It is going to look fabulous once it is finished.**

Today was also the finish of another eBay auction. I had been threatening to take the old fire back that I removed from the Dining Room to the local tip but was persuaded to offer it to the world via the Global Flea Market. I couldn't believe it when some loony a) paid £36 quid for it and b) is prepared to drive all the way down from Manchester to collect it. I'm guessing scrap iron prices must be high at the moment.

---

* Satinwood, Edwardian
** two more coats of oil and then a wax polish

He's Off Again

Saturday started at a fairly leisurely rate but I was out of the door with T&M by nine thirty. I did say my goodbyes to TP before I left as he would be collected by his mum for a trip to his Grandma's before I would be back.

 Once back from the walk it was time to hitch the trailer to the Defender and make our way over to Dave the Stripper to pick up the book cases. He has done a super job and they are a perfect match for the ones we already have. While we were there 30% took a liking to mahogany, eight day, wall clock and I have to say that it would look lovely in the Dining Room but we have been on a bit of a spending spree recently and it can stay on Dave's wall unless the September windfall actually happens.*

 Once back home it was time for lunch followed by a huge amount of furniture rearrangement ...

... the running order went something like this ...

• TP's current bed was dismantled and reassembled in the spare bedroom
• TP's new bed was unpacked and assembled in his bedroom
• The smaller of the original bookcases was carried from the Study and installed in TP's bedroom
• The larger of the new bookcases was installed in the Study
• The smaller of the new bookcases was installed in the spare bedroom
• The exercise bike that 30% has never gone beyond looking at was removed to the front cellar

 This abbreviated list makes light of the fact that it was a very warm and very humid day and the peripheral activities and necessary trips up and down the stairs left 30% and I exhausted by supper time.

We managed a couple of movies and a compulsory episode of Family Guy before retiring to bed in a house that now almost  has a completed upstairs.

---

* see here for origins

What a Tit!

This morning's team call was filled by the Drama Ugly Sister telling us all of his huge problems and how each and  every one of them was a potential show stopper. I had my doubts, if I needed this up and running in the next couple of months he might have a point but this solution will not be needed until next Summer and everything we need was always on the Technology road map ...

... it is not as if we were asking to keep pigs in a hen house and I think he creating a storm in a teacup. An urgently arranged called with SMEs* later proved that point. Fundamentally, if this prat had engaged earlier and spoke to the Indians and the Team that run our target infrastructure we would have had none of this unnecessary drama two working days before we are supposed to be compiling costs. As is says in the title; what a Tit!

The rest of the day went smoothly. The ultimate review call was arranged for next Friday and I actually found time to start pulling the worlds most ridiculous slide deck together for presentation at that call.

Away from work we actually managed to go out for Dinner at a local pub. We had driven past it every time we visit Worcester but had never mad e it through the doors. The reason behind our visit was that 30% had fed a colleagues cat and hamster while they we away on holiday and a gift token for this hostelry was her reward ...

... I WILL point out the amusing incident where 30% gave this woman a major slagging on Tuesday as she refused to speak or even make eye contact when encountered at work only to have to eat her words on Wednesday when she received the aforementioned thoughtful gift as a thank you for her kind efforts ...

... TP and I may have pulled her leg a little on this point.

The food was great and the pan fired trout with garlic crushed new potatoes and a beurre blanc sauce went down my throat at a fare rate of knots. The only reasons for our short stay was fatigue from the busy week coupled with the vicinity of a table with 20 seats bearing a number of balloons indicating a 40th Birthday Party was going to happen.

---

* Note; SMEs not SMIs. 

SMIs or Monkeys. Which are best?

Did I really want to turn to this pristine, virtual page and start to write about Thursday 16th August? Did I really want to recount the tale of another day filled with calls and e-mails, pointless debates and the virtual arse wiping that certain of my colleagues expect me to perform?

To be honest; things are going reasonably well considering the tight timescale and the usual compliment of lacklustre Subject Matter Idiots. I am so glad that I have a few that actually appear to know what they are doing and are willing to grasp the simple concept of identifying an issue, determining an action to resolve that issue and then progressing that action to completion. It isn't rocket science.

I appear to have a couple of SMIs that are not so target focussed as I am. One seems to think that I am here to provide administrative support functions. I have already offered him Technical Support in view of his current lack of tooling skills but he is now coming across as a bit of a piss taker when he is asked me to chase for outstanding items and collate a slide deck. The last time I looked it did not say Secretarial Support at the bottom of my e-mails. The other SMI is a bit of a drama queen.* He really knows his stuff but every thing is a HUGE issue and his communications can be a little rushed so it is often not clear if he is progressing things or not and also whether the world is going to end or whether he has just chipped a nail. Part of the reason for him flapping is because Dante's diverted him to another project so he is two or three days behind everyone else and manically trying to catch up.** Today I finally managed to get some of his time and the call did not start well ...

... "Bad Man, I'm not sure that sending the Indians those documents was a good idea" ... I promptly responded that I found that statement somewhat fucking ironic as a) it was at his suggestion that I sent them and b) they were sent to determine whether a standard service met their needs because the he was too busy to engage with my work ...

... at least he had the interpersonal skills to realise just how fucked off I was and apologised tout suite.

---

* Mind you, if you had seen his Instant Messenger photo you might more accurately  think of him as a Panto Ugly Sister.
** This is obviously neither good for him nor my project but Dante's has not yet mastered the allocation of staff to projects. My personal opinion of this failing is that it is due to a tight arse approach where a) they will not employ a slight surfeit of staff to deal with workload peaks and b) they pay well below average and we all know what peanuts buy you. ***
*** A couple of weeks ago Golfy and I did some analysis on the adage that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys. We assumed that people might want a huge amount of monkeys due to a poor comprehension of the thought experiment that an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters will eventually deliver the Complete Works of Shakespeare. First things first; the mental image of a lot of monkeys with typewriters does bear a striking similarity to the view across Dante's open-plan offices. Putting that to one side, lets get back to the Monkeys. If you have an infinite amount of monkeys you are going to need a quantity of peanuts that is greater than infinity to keep them nourished. If an infinite amount of monkeys is tucking in to a pile of peanuts even greater than infinity, as sure as eggs are eggs, you are going to get a lot of monkey poo ...

... and you can bet your bottom dollar they are going to work out how to chuck their poo at you a long time before they get anywhere near "Signor Antonio, many a time and oft. In the Rialto you have rated me...

Therefore the moral of this story is that if you pay peanuts you are going to end up covered in crap.

A not so gentle Let Down

There is not a huge amount to report for today. It was mostly "head down and get on with" ... although that was after the early morning Inqury with IM ...

... Let me explain; a little more than a week ago I was asked to support a Business Development Team with some high level estimating. At the time I advised IM that I had plenty of other commitments but he glossed over this and asked told me to take on this piece too. As the days passed the Business Development Team flooded my inbox with e-mails and demonstrated that they expected far more from me than I would be able to provide in the measly time that had been allocated. In addition a dormant piece of work had raised it's head and was now demanding my full attention. I alerted IM to this workload issue and he sensibly suggested that I decline the Business Development Team meeting invitations and just get the estimate assembled using no more than the time originally allocated.

Either side of the weekend I managed to find time to review the raft of emails and my prognosis was bad in a good sort of way. There was plenty of information but very little was of use to me. Fundamentally there was nowhere near enough for me to develop their estimate without a considerable amount of work. I reported back to IM and advised him that I was proposing to go back to the team and politely let them down and direct their attention to a tool that they dislike and distrust but would give them something to present to the client. IM agreed with this and so, late on Tuesday evening, I crafted an e-mail to gently let down the BD Team ...

... I think it fair to say that they didn't take it well. As a result I had to spend a good thirty minutes explaining the minutiae of this activity and the reasons why I was unable to comply. To be fair to IM he was fully supportive of my position and felt that the BD Team were taking the piss ...

... BUT I don't trust IM as far as I could throw him and I wonder how supportive he would have been if I hadn't cleared my approach with him before I had backed off from this commitment.

Today's Lesson: If you are going to tell someone to Fuck Off make sure IM is in Agreement first. It is better to have one person on your back than two.

The Wanderer Returns

Putting aside work for a moment, TP arrived back home today after three weeks sunning himself in an Expat Compound in Qatar. The unfortunate thing was that work only really allowed me a moment to say hello and then I had to dive back in to the repeating conference calls and urgent e-mails that need to be handled if I am to stand any chance of kicking a solution out of the door by the middle of next week.

Eventually work quietened and I had the chance to walk the dogs and spend some time with TP and 30%. He had a fine time in Qatar and seemed to have spent much of his time in the pool. He sampled camel and reported back that it tasted a little like beef and he also returned with an Oud* and another stringed instrument played with a horsehair bow called a Rababah.

He will only be here for a few days before he disappears again, this time with his Mum to visit his Grandma. We are away to Wales at the end of next week and I may get to talk to him then.

---

* a round backed, stringed instrument of the guitar family

Mobilisation

Today there was only ever going to be one priority at work. That was to chase up resources, get my team assembled and get them briefed as we only have somewhere between six and eight days to develop a solution and get the costs fired over to the Lead Team in India.

I must have done something right in the past because the Gods smiled and before midday I had the key players identified and they were hassling me for directions. Around lunchtime I held an impromptu briefing call and was reasonably pleased with the reception to the ludicrously short timescales. There was a certain individual that threw a few brickbats but his criticism was misdirected and I alternated between ignoring him and pointing out that an impromptu call was just that ... something that had been thrown together at short notice to meet an urgent need. I then went on to point out that the urgent need was to give an overview to the team and that I had already committed to providing him with the requirement information he kept saying he hadn't got. It is at times like this that I really would just like to deliver an old school "Why don't you just shut the fuck up and listen, You Prick".

To be fair he did advise that we needed clearance for our approach from an Architect but I personally feel that he mentioned this in the hope that we would stumble and fall. I took the action and set to as soon as the call closed down.

I eventually got linked up with the Architect late in the day and managed to pull in a few of the SMIs for the discussion. The Gods smiled again and he had no objections in principle to our plan to use his environment to deliver our service. I was expecting him to be precious about the integrity of his design and baulk at our proposal to start bolting on non-standard bits and pieces to his infrastructure but he was quite happy for us to go ahead.

All in all it was a successful day but I need this run of luck to continue for another week if we stand a chance of meeting the deadlines. This type of activity is usually last in the line when it comes to resourcing and I am amazed that I have managed to pull a team together. I must leave you now and make an offering to the Gods of Outsourcing ...

... I think the kidneys* of a Network Solutioner are an appropriate gift this evening.

---

* I wonder if I go with the liver and heart too whether the same Gods will cause the other Indian team to suffer immediate and eternal damnation in some Hell of Hells? They are currently totally out of control and, after spending two weeks totally fucking up a piece of work, are now expecting us to pick it up and sort it out in under a week. I'm keeping my head down on this one.

30%'s new ability.

The chickens were irascible when I finally hauled my arse out of bed and let them out a little before nine o'clock. I left them to their irritable squawks and retired indoors to gently increase my caffeine levels. A little after ten I wandered outside again and headed over to the Feed Stores to pick up food and wood shavings for the disgruntled occupants of the Stalag at the end of the garden. I suppose the trip and unloading in to the garage took the best part of 30 minutes so it was probably about half past ten, quarter to eleven before I wandered back in to the house... 30% was still snoring upstairs.

On her eventual awakening we set about some light Sabbath Pottering. At one point I was having a mid morning banana and wandered in to the Study. 30% followed and instantly focused on a banana peel that I may have inadvertently left in there from Friday. "What's That? You Scuzzy Git" came her dulcet tones at a volume that caused three slates to slip from the roof.

Quick as a flash, and I am still amazed at the speed of my response, I calmly advised her that she had developed a super-human power and was actually looking in to the future where she was seeing the skin from the banana that was currently in my hand. In simple terms she was seeing the skin that I was yet to leave in the Study.  This obviously caused a mild intellectual derailment but 30% made a reasonable recovery and advised that she didn't care when it was she was more concerned about the where it was. I advised that I would move it as soon as it was really there and this seemed to calm things down. I also made polite enquiries about whether she had a Super-Hero Suit but this seemed to fall on deaf ears ... I may have a look through the wardrobe later and see if there is any lycra tucked away behind a secret panel.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful; the dogs were walked, loose plans were made for another trip to the tip and further garage clearance activities were considered. I actually got as far as shifting a stripped chest of drawers to a point near the garage doors where it can be taken outside for sanding if it ever stays dry for long enough.

---

* This isn't the first time I've used the Time Travelling defence. I first threw 30% the temporal curve ball a good while back and it worked pretty well then too.

I seem to be keeping the gossips busy

Today's plan was to get all of my chores out of the way as early as possible as we are out this evening for Dinner with 30%'s brother and his GF.

First on the list was to gather a few tools and trim the door at the foot of the stairs so that it clears the newly fitted carpet. That went reasonably smoothly and only needed offering up and tweaking a couple of times before I was happy to screw it to the frame permanently.

Next on the list was to load the recently acquired bookcases in to the Land Rover and trailer and deliver them over to Dave the Stripper in Worcester.  They should take a couple of weeks at most to be refinished so they will be back cluttering the garage before I know it.

By the time we got home it was most definitely time for lunch and then it was out around the Three Miler with T&M before, I am afraid to say, a solid hour's kip on the sofa occurred.

The title of today's post comes from a chance encounter with the chap who owns the small office building next door to The Pile. I don't know him particularly well but we always exchange a greeting and a few polite conversational nonentities. To be honest I tend to be a little wary of him as he has a tendency to ask quite intrusive questions ...

... today was one of those days.  His opening gambit today was to let me know that a conveniently forgotten acquaintance of his had let him know that I had now retired from work on health grounds and he continued by asking about my well being. I corrected this complete nonsense with minimal detail but assured him that I was fine, in gainful employment and suggested that this assumption had probably arisen as a result of the fact that I work from home and therefore could be seen in the Village when most are at their places of work.

As I wandered away I pondered the mentality of the "unknown" individual that had come up with and then decided to disseminate this complete piece of crap. I am guessing that my regular, day time walks with T&M have led them to construct a complete work of fiction to explain why I am not tied to some desk or stuck in a rep-mobile between the hours of 9 and 5. I have to admit that I can sort of understand why people might like to construct a scenario which explains my unusual working patterns but I cannot fathom why they would then present this fabrication as a fact in a conversation.

As mentioned earlier, the evening saw a trip in to Stratford for Dinner with S&E. We had a leisurely dinner at a Pasta Chain. The food was perfectly acceptable and the company was great. It was one of those evening when there was a strong temptation to return home and carry on but sense prevailed as S needed to be down in London VERY EARLY on Monday morning to carry out some decommissioning work at the Olympic venues. We therefore settled the bill the right side of midnight and went our separate ways.

Why I'm not in Politics

The current project workload looks a little daunting, especially with India Team#2 asking for a piece of work to be resourced, understood and completed in a little over a week. That type of activity is going to occupy most of my tiny brain leaving little to deal with the other pieces of crap IM has dumped on me. As a result the first call of the day was to  IM to do a little expectation adjustment and ensure that he is aware that you cannot get a quart from a pint pot.

With IM on side the next metaphorical room we entered was with India Team#2. After three quarters of an hour we developed a reasonable understanding of what they were after and identified a potential offering that should be fairly straightforward to solution and also deploy ... the only problem now is getting Subject Matter Idiots assigned to iron out the details. As a result the priority post call was to get a Resource Request in to the machinery ... Job Done! As an aside I should point out that this team were far more "on the ball" than the other India team I have to deal with and I am hoping that we can have a relatively smooth ride with these chaps.

Talking of "the other India Team", next on the list was a call with India Team#1. This is the bunch of fucking morons that just haven't got a clue and just seem to spend hour after hour on conference calls wittering about things that seem to have no relevance to the fundamental problems they need to resolve. Today was no exception, I entered the call 30 seconds after it's start time* and found myself midway though a tale about some major problem but at no point did anyone think that this was important enough to defer describing until all attendees were present or to summarise it on completion ...

... as I type this I have no fucking idea what the problem is but I do know that someone far enough up the food chain has finally realised that a) these people have the intellect of Mike the Headless Chicken ** and b)  this project makes no sense from any perspective either financially, operationally or politically. Fundamentally it is a pile of crap that we shouldn't touch with a barge pole and it looks like someone somewhere has finally got the message.

Towards the end of the call things got momentarily scary when the Indians thought that they could just pass their pile of shit over the fence to me and my colleague on a Friday afternoon and that we could spend the weekend and the early part of next week sorting it out. Fortunately the UK Sales Exec stepped in and gave them a polite "No Way". 

That was a good job because I was all ready to say "You're having a fucking laugh!"

---

* That is classed as early by Dante's etiquette standards
** Look him up. He really existed

I see how it should be done

Much of today was spent avoiding what I should be doing and preparing for an urgent client meeting in the Black Country. Talking of "black" that is also the colour of a cloud that appeared on the horizon an hour or so before I was due to depart ...

... for some weeks now I have been waiting for another piece of India lead work to commence.  I have been chasing for updates on a regular basis and have also flagged that resources are scarce in these parts and that we need as much notice as possible to stand a chance of getting to grips with their requirements and "cranking the handle"...

... I was pinged today by Bangalore to advise that they need me to develop a costed solution in six to eight days time. Fuckers! I got them to set up a kick-off call and raised a few warning flags and then put thoughts of my Indian colleagues suffering tragic and painful accidents to one side.

By midday I was climbing in to the Defender and trundling up towards Sandwell and Dudley station to collect a Sales Exec and taxi him to the meeting venue.

There were three of us in the meeting where the client wanted our views on their first venture in to Outsourcing. It was apparent that they view us very favourably and unless we do something really stupid we should stand a very good chance of success in the next few months.  The title of today's entry refers to the performance of one of my colleagues in this meeting. He is quite senior with several years of experience under his belt. He is not a particularly personable fellow but I was privileged to be given a lesson in how to dissect and analyse a  set of requirements and present suitable offerings to meet them. I did manage some relevant input in the meeting but watching this chap was a clear indication of how far I have to go yet.

I bet my taxi driver patter is better than his though.

Early finish

Day Two of the "Jolly" ...

... although I was a mandated attendee at the workshop there was nothing here that demanded my presence. As a result I had a good part of the day to contemplate the joys of sitting in a cramped sterile room with bunch of humourless people. There is only so much surreptitious web browsing that one can perform before a sneaky question catches you unawares. Ooops!

My lack of involvement did allow me the opportunity to make arrangements for tomorrow's trip in to the heart of The Black Country ... Dudley here I come !

Fortunately the afternoon session finished a couple of hours early and I was home at a very reasonable half past five. This gave me enough time to change and walk the dogs before supper and the joys of one's own sofa.