THE Talk

I woke at around three o'clock on Saturday morning feeling a disturbance in The Force. It slowly dawned on me that my blood sugar might be low so I rose to check it and rectify as necessary. As I wandered across the landing I noticed that TP's bedroom door was ajar and, even in my tired and mildly confused state, realised that this was not usual … he normally closes it at night!

I headed downstairs and confirmed my diagnosis. My blood sugar was 2.6.* As I took onboard fuel I heard a door upstairs creak as it was pulled shut and wondered what on earth TP was doing out of bed at three int he morning.** Then it dawned on me … is his girlfriend really in the spare bedroom, or has there been some after hours sneaking about? Testing my hypothesis was out of the question as a) I was stark naked and b) my appearance in either room was going to result in embarrassment or harassment charges, so I returned to my bed and my dreams.

I mentioned this nocturnal occurrence to 30% at a far more civilised time and she actually took it better than I had expected ... in that neither TP nor the GF were immediately brought to the kitchen at gun point for a summary trial and execution. I did however think that there was a strong possibility that a discussion would take place while I was wandering down to the Post Office to tax the car.

Walking back in to The Pile I encountered a rather sheepish looking TP and GF and 30% announced that they had a little talk. I saw no signs of bloodshed nor bandages and the crockery all seemed to be intact too so I assumed that it had all gone quite well. 30% summarised that she was OK with revised sleeping arrangements but was a little disappointed that they had snuck around rather than simply ask.*** It seemed appropriate that I do some parenting at this point so I asked that they take no chances with contraception as, if TP needed my guidance and assistance with a letter from the Inland Revenue about a tax rebate, there was no way he and the GF were sufficiently matured to handle an unplanned pregnancy!

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* around 5 is normal. I prefer it slightly higher overnight.
** He sleeps like the proverbial log
*** a simple case of not knowing how to broach a difficult subject

Three Counties Show

The plan for today was to spend it wandering amongst the exhibits at the Three Counties Show. VI had thoughtfully provided us with Exhibitors passes so we had access to the premium parking spaces close to the Show Entrance and, once the wrist bands were attached*, we were able to walk in without having to go through the tawdry process of actually handing over hard cash.

It was an absolute scorcher of a day and we had a lovely time pausing frequently to appreciate the restorative powers of gin and pig based products wrapped in bread. I took a few photos along the way and decided that black and white seemed to work quite well, perhaps it is because exhibition and judging of livestock that has been taking place in these parts for a couple of hundred years or more.

Young Aberdeen Angus Bull

You're not from around here!
Belted Galloway

Neither are you
Wensleydale Sheep

At last, a local!
Hereford Bull

We eventually arrived home shortly after seven, baked by the sun and absolutely shattered after a lovely day at the foot of the Malvern Hills.

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* using tape so that they can be re-used by VI tomorrow

Made in Mexico? **

Thursday was the last day of my working week. Friday is to be taken as holiday and 30% and I will be spending it at the Three Counties Show near Malvern with a couple of Dutch Frolleagues.*

I spent the morning in the office dealing with expenses amongst other things and, around midday, headed home via Stratford on Avon. The reason for this detour was that I needed to collet a part from the local Land Rover dealer to rectify one tiny but annoying defect with our otherwise perfect new car …

… I had flipped down the sun visor a couple of days ago and noticed that the retaining clip for the visor was detached from the head lining. A quick call to the local Dealer's parts department was necessary and, for the princely sum of £6.11, they arranged for a replacement to be available by ten the next morning ...

… The part was collected and, at home, it was a five minute job with a screw driver to remove the damaged component and replace it with a new one.

The rest of the working day went reasonably well and by quarter past five I had closed down and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M.

The evening was spent with 30%, Shamini and Jo at a local Indian Restaurant getting on the outside of a variety of Balti dishes. They had spent the day at a food and garden event at the NEC in Birmingham and it ssounded like a couple of them had sampled as much free booze as possible during their day of wandering the stand and displays.

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* Shamini is an ex Piano Mover who now works for our Customer . Her husband; Jo is also involved in the supply of services to the same client. During Shamini's work conversations with 30% it became apparent that she was a huge fan of the British Countryside, livestock and cows in particular. They therefore decided to come over and spend some holiday time in the Midlands taking in an Agricultural Show and also a local Steam Event as Jo loves Steam Engines.

** Not what I expected to see printed on a Land Rover spare part

A Successful Campaign

It is hard to believe that it was only ten days ago that I drafted the Defender's specification in preparation to sell it …

… An on-line advertisement was placed on Preloved but, although getting plenty of views, it had only attracted a single enquiry so last weekend I bit the bullet and actually paid for an advertisement on AutoTrader. A couple of days had passed with no sign of interest so yesterday I placed further advertisements with a pair of Specialist Magazines devoted to Land Rovers in all of their shapes and forms. I had even gone as far a putting a For Sale sign in the rear window of the car.

So that was it, in the space of ten days I had established my advertising campaign and just needed to sit back and wait.

This morning I was talking to one of my colleagues when my mobile phone rang. At this point it probably needs to be stated that my personal mobile rarely ever rings and if it does it would either be 30% or TP calling. I put my work mate on hold and answered the mobile … it was a chap enquiring whether the Defender was still available. I told him I was stuck on a work call and promised to call him back in the next twenty minutes. I then did what any Salesman would do and unceremoniously dumped the call with my colleague as quickly as possible as there was no profit in it for me.

I called the prospective buyer back and talked him through the car's history and specification. I was well aware that my car was a good one but was also aware that I was asking top price for it so was delighted when the chap said he wanted to drive down from North Wales this very day to view it.

He eventually turned up at around four in the afternoon which coincided with a work call that I needed to host. I therefore handed him with a sheaf of paperwork and pointed him in the direction of an unlocked car* and left him to give it a good look over. Once my call had finished I joined him and talked him through the Defender's features and upgrades. All the way through this narrative my prospective buyer kept making very positive noises so we headed out for a test ride. If he had any concerns about the car they were put to rest when he saw how it performed compared to the Defender 110s he was more familiar with.

As we headed back in to the village he offered the price I was hoping to get and we shook hands without the need for haggling. A considerable quantity of cash was handed over and counted and half an hour later I watched as she was driven off down the road.

As I said a couple of days ago, I had a great deal of affection for the Defender and I must admit that I felt quite strange seeing her go after owning and upgrading her over the past six years. She was one of the best around and that was demonstrated by the fact that she was sold for a price in excess of what I paid for her in 2008.

I'll finish this Journal entry with two closing thoughts. Firstly; I am bloody glad I made the decision to haul the trampoline to chez Oranges & Lemons on Sunday and secondly; I now have a quantity of Land Rover spares to list on eBay.

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* I kept hold of the keys

Christ I'm Hungry!

I was up and out of the door by seven fifteen this morning. Twenty minutes later I was parked up at the Station and heading for the ticket machine. The reason for this early start was a nine o'clock dental appointment in the centre of Birmingham and there was no way I was going to drive in.

After a pleasant thirty minute ride in I arrived at New Street and wandered out of the Station in to the morning rush. Fortunately I had a better idea of where I was going this morning after my previous consultation and was soon sat in the waiting room feeling somewhat apprehensive.

Nine o'clock soon came around and I was directed to the chair where a very easy going chap, wearing a face mask and magnifying glasses, started to pump industrial quantities of anaesthetic in to my lower, right jaw. For some strange reason I felt far more relaxed that I normally do at the dentist and after about ten minutes I was sufficiently numb and the "procedure" commenced.

As mentioned, it was molar that needed to be removed in preparation for an implant and it needed several minutes of firm manipulation before it popped out of the socket at quite a rate. I was then required to sit while the initial clot formed before I was relieved of £120 and told to return in eight weeks for a progress check. All being well, the titanium insert will be placed in my jaw four weeks after that so it will be early Autumn before the implant is completed.

An hour later I wandered in to work and discovered that my laptop rebuild was well under way but would not be finished until mid afternoon. I was given a loan machine and headed up to the office where I did a reasonable imitation of work considering I had no access to the majority of my e-mail files  and did not really feel up to hosting two hours of back to back conference calls.

I must admit that the mornings procedure left me feeling somewhat dazed and a complete lack of food probably wasn't helping. I therefore rearranged the non-urgent calls and headed home as soon as my laptop was rebuilt.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who works with a Company Laptop that the rest of my afternoon featured a long call with the Corporate Help desk to rectify the omissions and failings of the rebuild process. I can now report that the damned thing appears to be working properly but I have little confidence in it doing the same tomorrow or the next day …

… I know it is going to fall over again. It is just a case of when!

Dinner was a bowl of soup, sipped slowly and carefully. As it hit my stomach I realised that up until seven o'clock I had survived on four cups of black coffee and a dunked, digestive biscuit. No wonder I was hungry.

Our evening finished with a visit from a frolleague who lives in the village. She came over to make some tweaks to our Broadband router which should prevent the issues we have been having when trying to run concurrent VPNs to the same server.

Work, you bastard, work!

Monday seemed to be evolving in to a quiet day until I realised that my bloody email application was refusing to connect to the server. A quick reboot* provided temporary resolution and a consequent flurry of emails. 

Fortunately I had logged details of my troublesome laptop with the Helpdesk on Friday and have arranged to have the damned thing rebuilt tomorrow. This is somewhat serendipitous  as I have a dental appointment in the morning so will get 30% to drop it in for me. All being well I should return from the dentist and collect a computer that effing works. 

The remainder of the working day was uneventful; time was found to walk T&M and TP returned from his last two A/S level exams  and reported all went well. 

By way of a small celebration we headed out to an Indian restaurant in Redditch for our evening meal. We hadn't been there for many years and had forgotten quite how good it was. 30% also reminded me that we had our first date there ... but then again she also says our first date was a chaperoned cinema trip to see Monsters inc.

I'm not sure whether she just can't make up her mind which event qualifies ... As for me, I'm probably just trying to blot it out. 

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* there is no such thing as a quick reboot on a Windows PC using a VPN to connect back to corporate server infrastructure 

Almost a Lazy Day

Sunday was, in so many ways, far brighter than yesterday. For starters I managed to sleep until shortly before seven. Then, when I did take a peek out of the window, I saw bright sunshine rather than yesterday morning's roiling black clouds and electrical storm.

At this point I should probably mention that TP had attended a party at a friend of a friend's house last night. This shindig took place a couple of hundred yards away from home and,  upon waking I was advised that, apparently he had not come home.  30% had had an awful night, concerned about a the multitude of highly improbable horrors that had befallen TP in a new build development on the other side of the road. I, on the other hand, had slept soundly and simply assumed that the stupid sod had gone out without his keys and had ended up on a sofa for the night.

I wandered down stairs and got myself on the outside of a double espresso. Within a few minutes there was a tap at the back door and I let a sheepish TP in. My assumption was correct regarding his keys and I left him to mooch about the house as I returned to my morning rituals.

The start to the day was gentle and, as ten o'clock approached, I removed the Bullet from the garage and headed over to Worcester to pick up the spare key for the Range Rover. I was out for about an hour and, upon my return, needed something to occupy me until lunchtime. That "something" was to head out and put some diesel in the Defender before getting the trailer hitched up …

… Some while back we had dismantled TP's trampoline and had promised it to the Oranges and Lemons clan.  Their two youngsters are the perfect age to argue, fight and injure themselves on it and so we had offered this device of unnatural selection and inducement of familial discord. They had carelessly accepted this offer and consequently the afternoon saw me head across the Vale of Evesham with a loaded trailer bouncing around behind me. 30% and TP followed in TP's recently insured Fiat.

We spent an hour or so with Ian O-L; drinking coffee, chatting and assembling the aforementioned Device of Discord before we headed back to The Pile. I quite fancied a kip on the sofa and developed a fiendish plan that would allow a snooze. I collected the loin of pork that I had been curing and washed it off before putting it to soak for an hour. I then had an hour to kill …

… and ended up going out for a short drive with 30% to familiarise her with the new car. Upon our return I took the bacon* from it's bath and left it to drain before I finally managed a short snooze. As  Sunday afternoon kips go, this was a half hearted 4/10 rather than a full blown, ninety minute, snore-fest that would qualify for a rating of 8 or 9 out of ten.

As the afternoon waned, I collected leads from their hooks and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. The walk was pleasant despite the intermittent fine rain that dampened our coats…

… and that just about sums up Sunday apart from giving a brief mention to the two Tire Kickers who flagged me down in the vicinity of Alcester having seen the For Sale sign in the back of the Defender … "No, it does not have air conditioning" and "No, it is not expensive when compared to the trashed Farm Trucks and Off-roaded wrecks that are a few grand cheaper".

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*This has now been massaged with Black Treacle and will sit for another week before being hung and ultimately sliced.

Commander Data, Set Course & Engage!

After a busy week I was looking forward to getting up at a time of my own choosing this morning rather than being jolted from my slumbers by the alarm ...

… Unfortunately I am an early riser and the number of times I have lain in bed past eight, let alone nine, in the past twelve months can be numbered on the fingers of one hand. This morning I wanted it to be one of those rare occasions when 30% rises before me and gently nudges me awake with a cup of freshly brewed coffee. It wasn't to be. I woke shortly after four and tossed and turned for the best part of an hour until I gave up and wandered downstairs. I was tired but just couldn't sleep so drank coffee and read until the rest of the family crawled from their pits. To be fair I didn't have to wait too long for company, as shortly after six a magnificent thunderstorm could be heard a few miles away and this disturbed the dogs and consequently 30%.

The big event for today was to head in to Worcester to pick up the new car. TP and 30% were eventually ready to go and we climbed in to the SEAT for the last time. TP was dropped off at his Girlfriend's en route and a few minutes later we were sat in an office working our way through part exchange and registration documents. During the hand-over the Salesman advised that the car was very low on fuel and pointed us in the direction of the nearest garage …

… Eventually the administration was completed and we were finally handed the keys. It is fair to say that both 30% and myself had reached quite a state of excitement over the past few days as the car is quite magnificent and has a certain presence. We clambered aboard and took in the expanses of leather, the acres of glass and the array of controls. It is quite sumptuous in the cabin and 30% jokes that it is more comfortable than our living room.

After fiddling with the seating position I started her up, slid the gear change in to drive and pulled off the forecourt. Knowing that the Range Rover had a reputation for drinking diesel we were still startled to see the tank range immediately drop from eleven miles to four! In the logical parts of our brain we appreciated that this averaging algorithm needed to accrue driving data before it could give us a realistic estimate but the emotional response was definitely a plea to the nearest Deity.

After a couple of miles around Worcester's bypass we located the Garage and pulled up to a vacant pump. We had no idea of tank range or capacity and agreed that £50 should do for starters. I fuelled up and paid then rejoined 30% in the cabin. As I started the car I checked the file gauge and was astonished to see that the needle was still short of the half way mark. Ye Gods, the tank on this is truly enormous!

We then headed home enjoying the commanding views and comfort. It was reassuring to see the tank range read-out settle down and start to give sensible information. All being well, the 3 litre, straight six in the Range Rover should actually give a better fuel economy than the 2.5 litre, 5 cylinder Defender TD5 lump.

At home it was time for lunch and then I settled down with the hand book in an attempt to make some sense of the arrant of controls and features available to me. I finally worked out that the strange device on the key fob was a remote control for a factory fitted, auxiliary heater that allow the car to be warmed up on a cold Winter's morning from the comfort of the house. I also discovered that the steering wheel was heated as well as front and rear seats…

… I don't name my cars, not even the Defender, for which I have a great deal of affection,  but if I did Enterprise could be a possible contender.

After the excitement of the latest acquisition, the rest of the day was quiet. T&M got walked and I had a failed attempt at a snooze on the sofa. I finally found an excuse to set course and engage the Range Rover later on in the evening when I needed to pick up TP and GF from school where they had been supporting a fundraising event.

Occupation related, physical relocation inducers

I headed in to work this morning…

… There are generally only two possible reasons for me heading in the The Depot. Reason number one is that I have expense claims to deal with and reason number two is that 30% wants to work at home*. There are other reasons such as my Boss is in the office today but this is a rare disturbance in the force and can generally be excluded from  my list of occupation related, physical relocation inducers.

Today both reasons drove me out of my lair and I was ensconced at my desk by nine o'clock. It was a matter of some relief to find my desk was vacant and I soon had myself set up and ready to face the working day. I do not intend to bore by going in to the details of work but will summarise by saying that I have been providing some support to my Boss on a huge opportunity that spans the globe. An element of this has been split out for contractual reasons and is being progressed as a stand-alone activity. My involvement is limited to tracking actions and progress, arranging for the pricing of elements and enhancing and analysing spreadsheets of Service Levels. All of this is time consuming but not overly onerous. However my support has been greatly appreciated and today we finally pulled the last strands together such that the Sales Team could finally submit their proposal to the customer.

I was therefore able to get home early in the evening** and T&M got walked around the Three Miler for the first time in several days.

There is little else to report apart from the fact that I remembered that I had guanciale curing in the cellar. This had the coating of cure mixture washed off. It was then soaked for about an hour before drying it, wrapping it in muslin and hanging it up from one of the meat hooks in the kitchen. It should be ready to dice and freeze in about a weeks time. I also have a small loin joint curing but this one could do with another day before it is taken out of the cure.

So that just about sums up my Friday. It has been along and busy week and I am really looking forward to the weekend.

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* and a) she is bloody noisy plus b) the home Broadband connection doesn't seem to handle dual VPNs very well. The net result of this is dropping from conference calls at inopportune moments and consequent shouting.
** However, before I left I removed the power cable from my secondary screen, the ball from my trackball mouse and the headset from my desk phone and locked them all in my desk. It appears that the Cuckoo has still not got the message and continues to use my desk. I really am quite close to the point of reconsidering scent marking my territory.

Picture Post

It was a long day and I have no intention of jotting down tales of conference calls and attempts to achieve ill defined objectives.

Amongst the calls I received the first expression of interest in The Defender  and a batch of photos were sent*, as requested. I also found time to order a dog guard for the Range Rover and 30% reported that she had made contact with the Salesman, sorted out the payment for the car and had confirmed that it had sailed through it's MOT test.

This is all well and good but it doesn't exactly provide me with enough material for today's Journal entry.  So it will come as no surprise that I have fallen on back on the usual page filler and gone with another Picture Post...

American Museum of Natural History, New York

This little chap and many of his friends formed part of a living exhibition in the American Museum of Natural History in New York. Considering it is taken through glass and needed flash to get the exposure I am quite pleased with the shot. I can also confirm that the original is more then adequate quality to be the screen saver on my Mac.

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* However no further communications have been received in response to these photographic masterpieces though!

Your going to put "what" in "where"!

It was another long day of piano shifting and it therefore didn't help that I needed to slip away from my desk for a couple of hours for an appointment with a Specialist at a local hospital. I had a couple of straightforward non-invasive tests and a quick chat with the consultant…

… Apparently there is something amiss but he needs a visible inspection before he can confirm his diagnosis. He outlined two conditions he suspects could be at the root of the problem and the use of a fiber optic camera should pin down which one is present. I will then end up facing minor surgery or medication dependent on his findings.

As it says in the title of this Journal entry …

Missing You Already ...

The expectation for today was that it would end with a new radiator hanging from the wall in the Hall and that the Defender would be significantly cleaner …

… Well, one of those objectives was achieved. The mobile Valeter turned up around ten o'clock and set to removing the Winter's grime and algal growths from the Defender. Taking breaks from work I kept him topped up with coffee and monitored progress. He has done a super job and he even had time to give 30%'s TT a quick wash and polish before heading off.*

In my lunch break I grabbed a camera and took a few photos. The main purpose is obviously to get her sold but I must admit that there is also an element of remembrance. There are very few, if any cars, I have ever owned that I have had strong feelings for but I have loved owning this uncomfortable, slow, diesel slurping load lugger. I am sure that I will miss her as she has played a key part in many memorable events including holidays and the refurbishment of The Pile.

Big on the outside

Snug on the inside …
it's the anti-Tardis

 

As mentioned earlier in this entry, Paul was not able to install the new radiator due to illness but he did drop it off with promise to turn up at some point over the weekend.

The remainder of the working day was a slog of calls and encouragement of ne'er do wells to progress actions they felt "were not theirs to own". All was going well, in fact I thought I was having a good day, until I noticed that my email application was throwing up an error message and decided to perform a remedial reboot. After a successful re-start I discovered over forty urgent mails that needed my attention … Fuck!

The consequence of this was that T&M did not get a walk for the second day running and I worked later than I would have hoped. Once I had finished with Piano Moving I could not escape from the computer and settled down to create an on-line advertisement for the Land Rover.

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* He may be back sooner than he thinks as the cynic in me doubts how well the Range Rover will be cleaned as part of the pre-hand-over preparations.

Head Down

Monday was very much a case of "head down and get on with it". There is not a huge amount to report; meetings were hosted, minutes were issued and projects were progressed. After a few lean weeks in late April and early May I  now have plenty to keep me out of trouble. I also managed to find time to book a mobile vehicle valeter to come and spruce up the Defender.

I finished at a reasonable hour and TP and I headed in to Worcester to perform a couple of checks on the new car and to get the necessary payment details. I then ended up in the hall filling cracks and gaps… Paul the Plumber is allegedly arriving tomorrow to refit the hall radiator and I would rather fill the gap between the skirtings and wall before his visit than after.

As the evening drew in I leafed through the Defender's paperwork and started to draft the specification in order to get it advertised…

… Does anyone want a late 2003 Defender 90 Hard Top, Belize Green, FSH, VGC, blah, blah, blah?

I didn't want a silver one

The principle objective for Sunday was to make SIGNIFICANT progress with filling the woodwork in the Hall. As soon as nine o'clock had passed I could be found attending to the nail holes and other imperfections with a filling knife and wood filler in hand. All was going well until a little before ten when the 'phone rang It was Village Idiot…

… A couple of weeks ago I had taken care of his sheep and poultry while he was sunning himself in the Isle of Wight and upon his return I had carelessly offered assistance should his sheep require dagging. The call was to remind me of this offer and to call in the favour.

Actually the job didn't sound too bad and, after picking up a few bags of layers pellets at the local Feed Store, I headed over to VI's cottage and hitched his petite stock trailer to the back of the Defender.* We then headed up the lane to a nearby paddock where two ewes were constrained in a pen constructed from hurdles and pallets. All I needed to do was wrestle each of these in to the trailer and then run them  over to the Egg Farm on the Three Miler where they would be sheared at some point in the next couple of days.

After returning the trailer to VI's drive, I headed back home and found I had just enough time for a rushed cup of coffee before I was required take TP in to work. Upon my return I finally found an hour to make SOME progress in the Hall.

At this point I should probably mention that 30% had spent a portion of yesterday evening on the internet and had found a potential car. To be honest it sounded too good to be true, being described as immaculate condition and very low mileage. A call had been made to the Dealer who had advised that it was sort of sold but no deposit had been left and that we were welcome to come and view it.***

Consequently a hasty lunch was taken and we headed over to the far side of Worcester. Initially there was no sign of the car but the Salesman pointed to a garage where it stood in the shadows, obscured by a chap valeting a Jaguar. Within minutes the car was driven out of the garage and we took a look.

It was magnificent. Clean alloys and body work on the outside and acres of piped cream leather in the interior. There was a moment of mild comedy when I was inspecting the rear seats and noticed something wedged between the upholstery and the trim. Initially I thought it was a piece of bubblegum but as I extracted it and inspected it I realised that I had just found a rather pricy in the ear hearing aid! … Now how in hell's name does one manage to loose a hearing aid?

An inspection of the limited paperwork followed and it was apparent that it had a full main dealer service history. We then took her out for a short test drive. After a run down some A roads and a few lanes it was apparent that the ride was superb and with a little adjustment to the seating position this was a car we could cross continents in.

A deal was struck and the Seat was accepted in part exchange. We will pick up the new car in a week's time. The only cloud in this sunny vista is that I now need to get the Defender cleaned up, advertised and sold. Mind you the bulk of the work on the house is now finished, so I no longer need a load lugger, and the dogs will easily fit in the back of a Range Rover Vogue.

Back at home the day continued. The lawn was mown and 30% and I took T&M for a walk around the Three Miler. More cracks and gaps were filled and roast pork was eaten.

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* VI has recently "gone up in the world"** and acquired a brand new Suzuki which does not have a tow hitch
** Successfully applied for Mobility Allowance
*** I was not taken in by this Sales tactic

Not according to plan

Saturday's activities started a little after nine when Kathy H-R knocked at the door and deposited four suspicious, dripping plastic bags …

… She had called yesterday evening to ask if we wanted any pork as she had just had a kill and had a few joints left over. There was, of course, also the head for a batch of guanciale. We had gratefully accepted and I was now looking at what I thought was a minor change to my plans for today.

I had planned to make a start on filling the nail holes and so forth in the new woodwork in the Hall and thought that dealing with a few joints of pork would take no more than thirty minutes but my estimate was way off the mark. I started with the heads and soon had the cheeks removed and trimmed. I also cut off the ears to roast as a treat for T&M. I then reached in to the cupboard to grab a jar of cure mixture and found barely a handful in the jar…

… Bollocks! This meant that a further half hour was spent finding ingredients and grinding spices to make a couple of kilos of dry cure mixture. Only then could I get the cheeks salted and packed away in the cellar.

I was then able to attack the joints. The handful of chops were quickly sorted and packed in bags of three. The joints, however, were a different matter altogether. All of them needed to be boned, have the skin scored* and be trussed up ready for roasting. By the time I had them packed in bags, labelled and stashed in the freezer eleven o'clock was long gone and I was looking at a pile of bones and the final bag of trotters.**

The Jam Kettle was dusted down and filled with water. The trotters and bones were thrown in along with handfuls of roughly chopped veg, herbs and seasoning.  It would take a good three hours to convert this in to stock and I used the first one to tidy up the kitchen.

30% conveniently arrived back around one in the afternoon just as the last traces of carnage and butchery had been cleared away. We lunched together before I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. By the time we had returned the stock was just about done and it wasn't far off three o'clock.

It was then a case of a quick cuppa before we headed out to check out a few cars at a local dealership.  There were some very attractive models there but we held back from talking to the Salesman as we know a chap who works there and need to enquire about discount before possibly taking things further.

Back home I eventually made a start on Saturday's objective … filling nail holes, remember? … some nine hours later than planned.

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* A Stanley Knife is the perfect tool for this and I had one handy … in the hall with the rest of my tools!
** In case you were wondering; 30% had conveniently arranged an appointment with local Jeweller so I was flying solo on this mission.

IF(O2="12x7x4", "12x7x8", "oops")

After a brief discussion with my Boss yesterday there was a possibility that I might need some help today …

… so first thing this morning I dragged the Bullet from the garage and headed in to the Depot. On my way in to work I stopped off for fuel and as I wandered back to the Enfield I was accosted by an elderly gentleman with a strong local accent. "I used to have a real one of those" was his opening gambit and he then went on to regale me with tales of classic motorcycles and the speed of which his Royal Enfield was capable. To be fair he was nice old chap and his dismissive initial comment was softened when he cast his eye over her and said that she looked really good …

… and I had the final word when I left the forecourt. I simply swung my leg over and hit the starter button and she fired up instantly. There was no struggle to kick over a 500cc single … and there were no drips of oil on the ground either.

Once at work I settled myself in and eventually addressed the problem I was facing. I had 1200 lines of data and these entries contained one of eleven possible values. I needed to convert the data cells to a new set of values. At this point it is probably worth mentioning that I am more of a words and actions type of person than the sort that revels in complex spreadsheet formulas. I have heard of vlookups and I know what they do … but I'm fucked if I know how to create one!

Anyhow, back to the problem in hand. I was aware that I could use nested IF statements to perform a fast and accurate conversion and the natural estimator in me knew that an hour spent fathoming this would be time well spent. I wasn't overly confident of flying solo but settled to the task in hand and the first attempt simply returned "Formula Error" messages. This was bloody frustrating as if I used a much shorter set of IF statements it seemed to work just fine. In the end I had to build up my set an element at a time and within a few minutes I was done. The formula was copied an pasted in to 1200 cells and the data was converted.

I was quite chuffed with my small success, especially as I had not needed to consult an MS Excel Guru who inhabits a cubicle a little way down the office. I had also got this out of the way by lunch time and could return home and spend the afternoon working from home. However, before I left I took the time to remove the power cable from my secondary screen and lock it in my desk … It appears that the Cuckoo just hasn't got the message!

The afternoon waned and 30% arrived home a little after five o'clock. We took a ride out to the Sale Room in Littleton, met up with Moneypenny and took a wander around the lots. It looks like tomorrow's auction won't be the most exciting sale we have ever attended but there are a couple of lots that might be worth watching.

Unfortunately the 15th Century Fireback is a) a replica and b) too wide.

At least it's not another elephant photo

Most of today was spent working alone in an office in Victoria.  My Boss and colleagues obviously can't handle two sequential days in the office so I was on my lonesome until mid afternoon when I headed out for a pre rush hour train back to the Midlands.

There is little of any great interest to report about my day* so I have trawled my photo archive and retrieved a couple of snaps from last years trip to New York. Normally these would have been presented in the weeks following that holiday but I didn't produce a single Journal entry for six months as I got to grips with the fundamentals of the new role.

So, as it says in the title to this entry; at least it is not another Sri Lankan elephant.

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* I'm guessing TP will want to put it behind him too as it was his Driving Test today and it didn't go as well as hoped.

So that's what you look like!

Wednesday was an even earlier start as I needed to be at Evesham Station for the 06.49 to Paddington. 30% had graciously offered me a lift to the station so she was up early too but I found out later that she had gone back to bed for an hour upon her return home.

The reason for the trip down to London was that my frolleague* and mentor; Lou was in from Nevada for a Yellow Pad session with our Customer and I had managed to blag an "over nighter" so I could join up with the deal team for a few drinks, a meal and a lot of laughs.**

My working day was spent in an office in Victoria where I kept a few balls in the air and helped out my Boss with a key opportunity that is described as a "must win".*** The support was mostly to do with engaging a somewhat obstreperous Pricer and invovled me formatting costs to align with her demanding requirements.

At some point in the afternoon I finally got to meet Lou face to face for the first time and after congratulating her on her successful session with the customer we chatted for a while before heading off to complete our working days.

It was just shy of seven before we had all finished up and we then headed off to a nearby pub for a few drinks and a natter. Fortunately the weather was fine and we were able to booze "al fresco" where we actually stood a chance of hearing each other above the noise of a packed London Pub.**** As the evening progressed our numbers thinned as the locals headed off home and we headed to another pub for dinner and more gin.

I rolled out of the pub at a respectable eleven o'clock and decided that I couldn't face the Tube. A cab was hailed and twenty minutes later and twenty quid lighter I was deposited at the doorstep of the Roach Motel.***** I have to be fair to the Cabby and report that he a) declined a tip and b) knocked a pound off my fare because we got held up in traffic around Hyde Park.

Within ten minutes I was checked in to a "budget" room and settled down for the night.

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* noun: portmanteau of FRiend and coLLEAGUE
** The Sales Guy insisted that I had every right to be there after I had helped out by attending a workshop with a vendor and had assisted with knocking up some estimates to support our ROM pricing.
*** always a dangerous statement to make.
**** The Phoenix, Victoria
***** Normally expense guideline would not allow an overnight stay in the capital for a team meeting, but my Boss was flexible in view of the fact that it was a rare chance to meet up with a US based team mate. Lets just say that I had to be somewhat creative in my choice of Hotel to meet the cost challenge I was set!

Trouser Mathematica

The day started early and I found myself stood on the platform at Redditch Station at quarter to eight in the morning.

The reason for this unusual start was that I had an appointment with an Implantologist in Birmingham at nine and there was no way I fancied the alternative of driving in and finding car parking. Once I had actually found the Practice* the consultation went well and a provisional appointment has been made for the extraction of the dodgy crown. My transition to a Cyborg commences.

Once back at home I settled in the study, cleared the accumulated emails and made a start on this abbreviated working week. Five o'clock eventually arrived. I shut the laptop down and headed out for a walk with T&M.

I had barely reached the centre of the village when I heard a "hello" called out behind me. I turned and saw Deb** doing her best to stay upright with Cappy, her chocolate Lab, hauling her in our direction. We decided that company would be good and decided to walk the Three Miler together.***

The dogs were unleashed and charged excitedly about the lanes. Within a couple of hundred yards Cappy had managed to trip me up. I found myself falling "arse over tit" and landing in the lane in a most inelegant fashion.

I scrambled to my feet, dusted myself off and, no worse for wear, continued my walk.

At home, an hour or so later, I was chatting to TP and 30% and I asked if the back of my trousers were muddy as a result of my trip. TP opined that they were "filthy" ...

... I took a look myself and noticed a muddy smear about the size of a hand print on the leg of me jeans. "Is that it?" I asked. "Yep" TP replied "they are disgusting". There then followed a long, three way debate about just how dirty my otherwise unblemished jeans were. My position was, and remains, that the muddy mark covered no more than 5% of the total trouser area and a minimum of 25% mud coverage is needed to qualify as filthy.

You have to be up around 50% dirt to enter the realms of disgusting.

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* Curse you Apple Maps app
** neighbour, friend and also colleague at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers.
*** this is dog walking etiquette ... Always ask if company is welcome as many walkers, myself included, prefer to walk alone and enjoy the mind clearing benefits that brings. Of the couple of dozen dog owners I know there are only two or three I will actually walk with, the remainder I just cross paths with.

High Tea

Monday morning was spent finishing the stripping of the woodwork in the Hall. It only took a couple of hours and, having completed this milestone task, I started to clear the room of tools and debris. As I worked and pottered to and from the garage I was witness to much hustle and bustle in the house as 30% had invited the majority of her immediate family over for High Tea this afternoon…

…  The tea had been arranged to celebrate 30%'s Dad's birthday* and we were to be joined by 30%'s sister, brother, The Elf, Mum and, of course, the birthday boy. As a mountain of sandwiches, savouries, sweets and cakes were prepared I did my best to make the hall and my self look at little more civilised and little less like a building site. I also took T&M for a walk around the Three Miler in an attempt to curb their enthusiastic welcome of guests.

At half past three our visitors arrived and after chat and viewing of the latest projects we settled in the dining room to a table heaving under a mountain of tea time delicacies. 30% was concerned that an additional leaf needed to be inserted to seat eight of us. I assured her that this wasn't necessary and all were comfortably spaced around the table. She was also worried about a blemish on the table cloth but that was never going to be an issue with a table covered from end to end and side to side with savoury dishes, scones and cream, and, of course, freshly brewed tea** brought home from our recent tip to Sri Lanka.

We sat, chatted and ate until the early evening. Our visitors departed around seven in the evening and we settled to a lazy evening in front of the television.

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* His Birthday is 25th May but, better late than never
** Broken Orange Pekoe, if you were wondering.