Whiffler shines again at training

I have picked up a new project at work and have also volunteered to cover for a colleague while he is on holiday next week. Things are still very quiet and the lack of incoming work concerns me. Whether these concerns have any foundation remains to be seen. The new project kept me occupied for a while this morning but even that will be slow to get moving as the SME is on holiday until the latter half of the week. As a result I read the minimal information available and set up a call.

With time on my hands I took an hour out from work at lunchtime and 30% ad I headed over to the auction rooms to collect the Oriental Carpet we bought on Saturday. We don't actually know how big it is, as it was covered by a table, several chairs and a number of auction goers at the time of purchase, and it was definitely an impulse buy. The hope is that it will fit in the lounge … we shall see.

We aslo took over three inlaid mahogany bedroom chairs that we purchased a good while back having finally agreed that, whilst lovely, are not really what we wanted or needed. Hopefully these will sell at the auction in a fortnight's time.  The rug was bundled in to the back of the car and we were home before anyone had noticed I had gone.

The afternoon was as quiet as expected and by five thirty I had finished the last call of the day. 30% and I were straight in to the car and off to the Vet's where we had Whiffler weighed* so appropriate doses of wormer could be purchased. We then headed straight over to this evening's puppy training class.

Whiffler did really well and the high points of the session were lying down on his bed on command and also seeking out a treat hidden under one of half a dozen plastic pots. This latter exercise was performed off the lead. I simply let him loose and he trotted down the line of pots, sniffing each one in turn before stopping at the hidden cheese. He totally ignored the class participants and just got on and did his stuff … I was bloody amazed.

Mind you, I can't really claim much credit as Poodles are very bright and unfortunately that secret is out of the bag too. We were chatting to one of our classmates this evening and one of the first things she said was "I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she said Poodles were easy to train". We laughed and agreed that they did make one look like a good trainer.

---

* 22.5 Kg at six months of age

Afternoon Tea

First task of the day … well, when I say first task, what I really mean is first task after a few cups of coffee, a slice of toast and a bit of general loafing about. 

So, the heavily caveated first task of the day was an hour long walk around the Three Miler with the pack. The hour long walk was frustrating rather than relaxing, as we were meeting walkers and riders every three or four hundred yards and the dogs needed to be called back and put on their leads at each encounter. I used to enjoy my walks, returning from them relaxed and often with ideas to deal with life and works' niggling problems. However they are far from relaxing at the moment and I just return exhausted, filthy and with significant disdain for those I have met.*

Lunch happened and I had half an hour to fill before I needed to tidy myself up … I'll get to that in a minute … so I grabbed a hammer, tape measure and a picture hook and the Victorian oil of Gypsies by a Campfire is now hung in the dining room.

I then needed to shave and change as this afternoon I had arranged to pay my Godmother** a long overdue visit. At this point I need to make clear that I am crap at keeping in touch and despite receiving a Christmas Card from her every year and only living a dozen miles apart it is probably eighteen years since we last met.***

I therefore assembled the family, briefed them and we drove over to Evesham for afternoon tea with Auntie Joyce. I am not sure what can I say about an afternoon with an Octogenarian chatterbox but the tea was good, the shortbread biscuits were lovely, she is incredibly independent and didn't tell too many embarrassing stories to TP and 30%.  I'm not that great at small talk but 30% was excellent and made sure there were no awkward silences. We had a nice time and I am guessing we may well have her over to visit in the Spring.

Back at home I finally extracted the loin of pork from the cure, washed off the salt, wrapped it in muslin  and hung it up in the kitchen. I'll leave it up there for a week before slicing, packaging and freezing.I also found a few moments to degrease the Enfield's steering stem …

… it looks like I have some more painting to do!

---

* I could add hypoglycaemic to this list which might go some way to explaining the disdain
** Auntie Joyce really does merit a veritable plethora of Journal entries and perhaps I will start to jot these down. At this point what I do need to say is that she was the most excellent Godmother, concentrating very much on the mother aspect of the job title and totally ignoring the God element. As a child in the sixties and seventies she used to take me on some quite marvellous adventures including many visits to London. I recall visits to the zoo, the Natural History Museum, the Tutankhamen exhibition of 1972 and even a holiday in Scotland when I was barely eight years old. There was also the trip to Harrods for a diabetic Easter Egg when no other retailer sold them. It was bloody revolting but she cared enough to give it a go. Basically she spoiled me, having not had children of her own.
*** She was out when I dropped off a card and flowers at Christmas 2013

Auction Fever

As I mentioned yesterday, there were a few lots that caught our eyes at the auction viewing. It will therefore come as no surprise that we were comfortably seated, mugs of coffee in hand, in advance of the auction starting at ten o'clock this morning. We didn't have to wait long before 30% was raising her hand and a citrine and diamond ring would soon be gracing one of her fingers.

A while later the jewellery had finished and the Auctioneer had moved on to the paintings. The next lot was a small Victorian oil framed under glass. It was described as Travellers by campfire and is a rural scene of a gypsy family seated around an open fire. Apparently political correctness prevents me from using the terms pikies or  didicoys in association with this artwork. A couple of bids came in via the internet but 30% soon had this one too.

The next lot was my gamble …

... As we left the auction rooms last night I looked up and saw a filthy, unframed oil high on the wall. I could just about make out that it was a horse but it was so grimy that I could make out little more than the general outline. However, something about it caught my eye and, as I looked, the parts I could make out seemed to be very well executed. The Auctioneer advised that it was very early, dating from the 1700's but had no reserve and, at that time, no commission bids. With no idea of cleaning or restoration costs we took a huge punt and this one was purchased too.

It could be going straight back in … depending on restoration quotes!

I wandered off to get more coffee and returned to find that 30% had failed to bid on a large watercolour of sheep that she really liked. Apparently the painting had failed to make it's reserve so we may get another chance at it in a fortnight's time. The next lot was an impulse bid on a C19 monotone engraving of Terriers ratting. It was a steal at twenty five quid and I am certain we can find a spot for it somewhere.

By then we were just about done and should have left but we lingered to see how an arts and crafts hall chair and large oriental carpet fared … hmmm … where the hell are we going to put those!

The rest of the day was fairly restrained by comparison. The dogs were walked around the Three Miler and, for once, it was dry meaning that Whiffler did not need dunking piecemeal in a bucket of water. A lengthy snooze was taken on the sofa and I cooked an enormous honey roast ham.

The Enfield and an Auction Preview

Today I focussed on getting the brake drum / rear sprocket assembly mated to the rear wheel and then getting the whole damned lot installed in the swing arm. It wasn't major pain in the arse but there were a number of spacers, adjusters, nuts and bolts that needed to be assembled whilst holding the now quite heavy wheel in place and ensuring that the frame didn't tip off the wooden supports. It was definitely one of those jobs where an extra pair of hands would have been quite useful.

It all went off without a hitch and the partly assembled bike is a whole lot more stable with the wheel in place. It still needs to have the chain connected and be torqued up but I am in no hurry to do that at present.

I also dug out the battery holder from my stash of powder coated goodies and bolted that back in place. I am probably now at the point where I need to reinstall the loom before I do anything other than assemble the steering stem and forks.

Leaving the bike, 30% and I also headed over to Littleton to preview the lots for tomorrow's auction. There were a few items that caught our attention and all of them were in the first hundred lots …

… It seems likely that we will be returning tomorrow morning.

Fork it!

No photo today, as the Enfield looks pretty much like it did yesterday.

As the thread lock had arrived I was finally able to tighten up the rear sub-frame, torque up the rear shock absorbers and fit the chain guard.  A while later I was surveying the results of my efforts when I had a niggling thought … should I have fitted the seat springs to the rear subframe before I tightened everything up? I rummaged through my box of parts and soon dug out the saddle. A few moments later I was have a fuck it moment. I did, indeed, need to fit the springs to the sub-frame first as the bolts could no longer be inserted in to their holes. As a result I then spent a happy half hour undoing everything and then re-assembling in the right order … arse!*

As the working day came to a close I headed out in to the wilds of the Cotswolds in search of Business Park on the outskirts of Blockley. I had arranged to collect the replacement forks and was soon examining the goods. They look fine as they appear to have never done any miles at all. I have been warned that the brake caliper mounts may need some work to ensure the front disk aligns properly. Worst case scenario is that will need to buy a new fork slider but these forks were an absolute steal and still a bargain even if I do have to fork out** another forty quid for a replacement slider.

Back at home it dawned that I really need to get the steering stem sorted and installed so I can get these forks trial fitted and see how bad the caliper mount really is. I guess that is my weekend plan roughed out.

---

* in my defence I will point out that the Trials kit I purchased comes with fuck all in the way of instructions and, consequently, it is left to divine inspiration and a smidgen of common sense to ensure everything is assembled correctly.
** sorry!

I want it and I want it NOW!

Today's news is that my newly shod wheels look fantastic and I foolishly propped them in their approximate positions in relation to the Enfield's frame. The result of this mock up was a huge surge of impatience and it is fair to say that I want it assembled and running NOW!  Fortunately a tube of thread lock arrived in the post today so I at least I can now crack on with it.

The next potential stumbling block was the knackered forks. Late in the afternoon Chris from Redditch Motorcycles 'phoned to say that he had tracked down a possible replacement pair at Watsonian Squire so it looks like I may be heading over to Blockley at some point over the next couple of days. It also means that I need to get the steering stem and head lamp casing back in place ready to receive the forks.

So that just about covers Wednesday. Work is fine but I could do with a little more. The bike project is rolling along quite nicely and I even have a loin of pork curing in the cellar. Bloody hell! It looks like I have been quite busy when I summarise it.

Mostly Bike Stuff

There's not a huge amount to report for today. I managed to find half an hour free in the morning to drop the Enfield's wheels, tyres and inner tubes off at Redditch Motorcycles and they should be fitted and ready for collection some time tomorrow evening. Chris; the proprietor is also trying to locate a replacement set of forks or fork sliders so, hopefully, tomorrow will see newly shod rims and news on my knackered front end!

Progress on the bike has slowed for the past couple of days as an eBay purchase has gone bad and this is holding things up. I need a £10 tube of thread locker to ensure the various components don't vibrate loose and I purchased a tube before Christmas. The demand stuff has still not arrived despite contacting the seller who  allegedly sent a replacement on 29th December. The net result of this supply chain issue is that parts can be trial fitted but I can't torque anything up and move on until I get a 50ml tube of Loctite 243. It is somewhat ironic that parts have arrived from India in less than ten days but a low cost engineering adhesive is taking forever to arrive … mind you, I did need a stock of stainless steel washers too and these should now be winging their way to the Pile too.

All I managed to do today was to trial fit the chain guard. This needs to be installed before the rear wheel can be fitted and today's temporary installation suggest that it's brackets may need a tweak to ensure it will clear the gearbox mounting plates.

That is just about it for today. I have enough work on to keep me occupied which is good but not too much that I am swamped. The only other news s that TP appears to have a very bad hang over after last night's works "do" and has decided to spend the day vomiting and sleeping rather than attending lectures in college …

… That'll teach him!

In the dog house

The first full working week of the New Year and I managed to score a couple of house points at work.

I have been assigned to work with a colleague on an assignment and have been asked to keep an eye on him. This is not a position with which I am wholly comfortable. We have different skill sets and, whilst I am capable of managing the development of an RFP response, working my way through the intricacies of network design and infrastructure is certainly not one of my strengths. I am conscious of my own "developmental needs" am am therefore somewhat reluctant to point out those of a colleague.

Before Christmas I had made some enquiries about this assignment with our Legal and Regulatory Team and they had responded with some clear guidance.* Before I could handle this my colleague had simply chucked the mail over the fence to the Project Manager with a one line e-mail that basically said "what do you think?" I inwardly cursed at this lacklustre approach, completed an impact analysis of the guidance and set out the next steps we needed to take. I described these as "my thoughts" and sent them over to him copying our manager.

The net result of this was that a call was set up using my bullet points as an agenda and I received a call from my Boss. He advised that he had chuckled at my colleague's half arsed approach and then blatant use of my analysis to structure the follow-up call.  I am pleased to be doing well at work but I am not comfortable to be treading over others, however inadvertently, as I progress.

The rest of the working day was reasonably quiet and I managed a circuit of the Three Miler early in the afternoon. Little progress was made on the Enfield although the head steady bar was loosely attached and trial fit of the rear hub took place. I plan to have the tyres fitted tomorrow so the rear hub and wheel may actually be in place later in the week. I carried out some research over the weekend about the possibility of purchasing a set of replacement forks from India. It appears that The Shitter is somewhat peculiar in the front fork department and also an Export Only model. As a result it may be necessary to purchase replacement fork sliders and re-use the original fork stanchions … hopefully more news on this tomorrow.

And finally to the title of today's Journal entry … tonight was TP's works Christmas Do and I was required to collect him from the pub sometime after midnight. I was eventually called by one of his mates at one o'clock and was advised that he was "unwell". I had the foresight to take a bucket with me and soon had a very drunk son, smelling faintly of vomit, sat in the back of the car. Once at home we managed to remove his outer clothes and decided that he was better left downstairs rather than in his room … as a result he spent the night curled up on the dogs' bed with a duvet thrown over him.

---

* Clear Guidance from the L&R Team is a bloody miracle in itself. Previous encounters with them have usually resulted in the mindset best summarised as why did I bother!

Just "stuff"

As a result of yesterday's visit to the meat wholesaler, today started with some light butchery. A couple of hours were spent converting a couple of rib eye joints in to steaks and I started the cure of a pork loin.

By the time I had finished Whiffler was getting quite frantic, presumably because he missed a walk yesterday, so TP and I headed out around the Three Miler with the dogs. The dogs might have had fun but it wasn't a pleasant walk. It was very foggy so there was little to see and where the lanes weren't puddled they were covered with a slick of black mud. As a result dog washing was a must when we arrived back at the house.

Having had quite a busy morning I hit the sofa after lunch but rapidly realised how chilly it was. Despite having the heating on, neither 30% nor I felt particularly warm … I didn't take much encouraging to fetch kindling and logs and a fire was soon blazing in the log burner.

A matter of minutes after the fire was lit there was a knock at the door. Jules had turned up to pay 30% a visit so the next hour or so was spent drinking tea and catching up on each others' news. After Jules' departure I found some time to nudge the Enfield project a little further along.

Today's objective was to install the front engine mounting plates. It was a bit of a struggle to align the various studs and nuts with their respective holes in the mounting plates. frame tube and engine cases. It involved some head scratching and use of a steel rod to lever everything in to position followed by rapid insertion of key bolts to hold it all in position. I was fortunate to have TP's assistance with this particular task.

Keeping busy on a rainy day

After more than three weeks at home, with excursions limited to trips to the hospital, 30% was getting somewhat stir crazy …  so this morning we headed out for the mind blowing excitement that is Alcester. The problem we had to accommodate is that she cannot yet walk too far and as a consequence the local hotbeds of sin and depravity; Worcester and Stratford are beyond her limits of perambulation. Alcester may not be the most exciting destination on the planet but it does have very convenient town centre car parking.

As we headed out this morning I took a minor detour and stopped in at Redditch Motorcycles to see how the refurbishment of the Enfield's forks was progressing. I had dropped these off there sometime around the end of October/beginning of November and thought it was about time I checked on progress as it won't be long before I need them. This was today's bad news as the forks were beyond economic repair and it looks like I will need to source a new pair … most probably from India.

We headed on in to Alcester and our first stop was at the meat wholesalers. The net result of this visit was that Sunday is likely to involve a significant amount of butchery, including the curing of a loin of pork. We eventually made it to the town centre, took a gentle stroll up the High Street and a wander around Waitrose before heading home for lunch.

The weather today was vile and a walk was never going to happen so it will come as no surprise that the  afternoon was spent fiddling with the Enfield. The swing arm, rear subframe and new shock absorbers were all loosely installed … I just need some threadlock and I can get it all torqued up.

Back to work

I will freely admit that all I planned to do at work today was sift through the e-mails that had accumulated since the 22nd of December. I assumed that there would be very little to do, so was expecting a fairly lazy day. As I opened up my in-box things were looking fantastic.  There was a bare handful of mails and it was a matter of a few moments work to review and delete the majority of these. I was left with four mails, all bearing the same title …

… As I read through them it rapidly became apparent that I was going to have to do some work and the rest of the morning was spent reviewing the major deals of 2014 and summarising them on to a set of presentation slides. If I am honest it wasn't a terrible job and was far better than kicking my heels in front of a laptop waiting for something to happen, as has been common in recent weeks.

By lunchtime I had cleared the decks and in the early afternoon I headed around the Three Miler with the dogs. There were still hordes of holiday walkers but I am hoping they will disappear over the weekend to wherever it is they come from.

I was back home by mid afternoon and, feeling somewhat hypoglycaemic, stuffed my face with food and snoozed on the sofa whilst my blood sugar levels returned to what is classed as normal in these parts. As soon as I felt reasonably human again I headed out to the garage for some spanners and tightened up the bolt holding the engine mounting plate to the underside of the Enfield's gear box. There was no point delaying any further and I soon had the frame semi-unwrapped and sat alongside the motor.

TP was recruited to provide assistance and, after a lecture that included graphic threats should the frame get scratched, we carefully manoeuvred the frame back around the engine. The job went incredibly smoothly and we soon had the main studs inserted through the frame and the engine mounting plates. It was then a matter of a few minutes work to mount some ancillary brackets and tighten up the frame studs.

The front mounting plates still need to be installed but I am delighted with today's achievement.

Oh Shit, back at work tomorrow

30% and I had watched the New Year in and I had a distinct recollection of TP coming in from work at around two o'clock this morning.* I was therefore less than pleased to wake shortly after seven o'clock this morning but, unfortunately, I was not going to get back to sleep so I rose and started the day at a gently pace.

30% did make a brief appearance but headed back to bed to continue her lie in. In her defence I will point out that she was not hung over as neither of us had more than a single drink last night. After attempting to discuss the apparent necessity for nocturnal discourse** I headed in to the kitchen and cleared the decks. My eyes then fell upon a thawed breast of lamb that was destined to be this evening's dinner.

I was aware that a Lamb Pilaf took some cooking so grabbed a knife and boned and cubed the breast. Ever the completer/finisher I hunted down the recipe book and prepared the dish.  30% and TP wandered in to the kitchen just as I was adding the prepared ingredients to the slow cooker where it would simmer for most of the day.

Relieved of domestic obligations I spent the rest of the morning locating Enfield components that are key in restoring the union of frame and engine. By lunch time I had the gear box mounting plates attached finger tight. I was about to grab a torque wrench and a manual when 30% called me for lunch.

The afternoon saw a walk around the Three Miler. I hope the dogs enjoyed it more than I did. It was frustrating to have to repeatedly put the dogs back on their leads as each group of noisy Christmas Walkers was encountered and there was no rest upon my return as Whiffler was filthy and needed a bath. It is fair to say that I was shattered*** and did little more than light the fire and sit in front of it for the rest of the afternoon.

TP had been working an afternoon shift at the pub so we were together for dinner this evening and settled to watch a film on TV.

---

* This would be because my loving partner decided to call across the landing to ask him how his shift at the pub was. Christ! It is two in the morning I do not want to be woken to hear that it was busy. Of course it was busy it was New Year's bloody Eve.
** it is fair to say our opinions differed
*** three large dogs on leads give you quite an upper body workout

Oh, so that's how you do it

This morning started with a trip over to Worcester for 30% to attend a consultation with her Surgeon. He is happy with progress and it looks like she will be visiting the local surgery for wound dressing until her next appointment with him in three week's time.

Back at home I made a start on reassembling the Enfield's kick stand and immediately ran in to trouble. The freshly powder coated parts should have simply bolted together but the bolt had thread damage and was very reluctant to screw in to it's locating hole.

A consequence of this was that lunch was rushed so I could make it over to Hitchocks Motorcycles before they closed for the New Year Holiday. The chaps at Hitchcocks were soon working their way through my hastily scrawled list of replacements for knackered components and then took a look at my side stand bracket. It was a matter of a few moments work for them to run a tap* through the thread to clean it and a shiny replacement bolt was added to my box of parts.

Back at home I soon had the stand attached to the bracket and then I dug out the new return spring …

… Oh shit! How the hell was I going to fix that on the two retaining lugs. The damned thing is made from 3 mm gauge stainless steel and there was no way on Earth I could manage to stretch the thing a micron, let alone the nine or ten millimetres needed to install it. After an extended period of head scratching I stumbled across a nugget of wisdom on the internet. Apparently the technique was to insert pennies or washers between the turns of the spring to extend it and allow insertion.

It sounded simple enough so TP's change jar was raided and I headed off to the garage. The internet did not mention that a vice, garden gloves, mole grips and pliers were also needed to ram a stack of low denomination coinage and assorted washers in to the spring. However after fifteen or so minutes the end of the spring passed over the retaining rod and the spacers were tugged free.

I am hoping, but am far from confident, that the rest of the reassembly is somewhat more straightforward.

The remainder of New Year's Eve was spent at home watching a film. TP was working behind a bar at a local pub so Lord knows what time he will eventually make it back home.

---

* A set of these is likely to be added to my toolbox very soon

Meeting up

Monday was taken at a fairly gentle pace. The main event of the morning was a trip in to the hospital at Worcester for 30% to have her incision checked and dressed. We then headed home and 30% hit the sack for a snooze.  I roused her around one o'clock with a light lunch lunch.

The afternoon saw a walk around the Three Miler with the dogs and I must have met Christmas Walkers every couple of hundred yards. This necessitates all three dogs being called back and put on their leads to avoid muddy paws/clean coats or excited dogs/petrified walker type incidents. It is a pain in the arse and I will be glad when the New Year has passed and they will no longer feel the need to take a walk around the lanes.

I snoozed for an hour or so upon my return and also found a few minutes to apply a second coat of enamel to the gearbox mounting plate. As the evening approached we tidied ourselves and headed over to Rosie & Jim's house, taking a minor detour to collect Bond, Moneypenny and their offspring. We had a lovely evening with Rosie serving up a fantastic Jambalaya for dinner. Party games were played and we were introduced to the card game known as Spoons. I am not a huge fan of party games but have to admit that this one was hysterical and I can imagine quite catastrophic when drunk … I was, however, the designated driver this evening.

Picture Post

Today was hardly the momentous of Sunday's. The house is quieter than normal as TP is away at his Grandma's house and 30% and I were hardly rushing to achieve anything. The dogs were walked in the morning, the afternoon saw a visit to the supermarket and then we drove over to see BMS and SMS …

… We were not the only visitors at Dad's house. My Nephew and his partner were paying a visit and had, as expected, announced that Dad's will become a Great Grandfather towards the end of June 2015. After congratulations all round we chatted a while and then headed home.

Once at home; a fire was lit and I soon fell asleep in front of it for the best part of an hour. On waking I did manage to apply the first coat of enamel to the gearbox mounting plate on the Enfield. Bloody Hell! … theoretically I could actually be attempting to reattach frame to engine before I head back to work at the end of the week.

With so little going on I have, again, trawled my virtual trunk and retrieved a photograph from the past to fill some space. This little fellow was a regular visitor to courtyard outside the cottage at Pwll Du. We soon discovered that he could be tempted much closer with dried apricots and here he is munching his way through one of many that we gave him during our stay in April 2013.

Film Review

Today 30% and I sat down to watch a film about a mass kidnapping and the resultant effects of Stockholm Syndrome on the victims.  The quite bizarre aspect of this psychological study was that it was a musical … yep, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers was on TV.

We don't like Christmas Pudding

That is the complaint I hear each and every year from 30% and TP.

I, on the other hand, absolutely love Christmas Pudding* but very rarely get to eat it. Basically after stuffing my face with Christmas Breakfast, various Christmas nibbles and finally sitting down to a humungous Christmas Dinner I have very little room left for a portion of Christmas Pudding and there seems very little point cooking the little fellow just for me.

As a result one of the Kitchen cupboards has, for a few years,  held a box purporting to contain one of the Finest of Christmas Puddings. 30% had extracted it from it's lair just before the 25th and cast a very doubtful eye over the package. The box very clearly advised that the pudding was best before a date in 2012. Eyebrows were raised when I advised that I was going to eat the damned thing at some point over the holiday.

Well today I opened the box and studied the cooking instructions. There are many accounts of food being fit for consumption long after most would have thrown it away. Recollections of WW1 tins of chocolate and Wedding Cakes where the top tier was preserved for a Christening years later all convinced me that the pud would be fine. After all the damned thing was soaked in Courvoisier, what could possibly go wrong?

I pierced the still sealed cover and nuked the pudding in the microwave in accordance with the still legible instructions on the tatty box … about twenty minutes** later I removed the box from the microwave and unpeeled the cover. It was piping hot and smelt gorgeous. I turned it out on to a plate and cut myself a slice of the steaming pudding. A dollop of cream was added and a first bite was taken ...

… it was beautiful, rich, fruity and slightly boozy from the brandy that had preserved it for at least two years beyond what the manufacturers thought best. The strange thing was that both 30% and TP were brave enough to taste it and both said they really liked it.

---

* I did order a portion at The Oak when we dined there on the 23rd but it wasn't right. It tasted very strongly of marzipan and the texture was way too dry. I have a strong suspicion that the cheeky buggers simply heated and served a slice of de-iced Christmas cake and had hoped I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Unfortunately my palette is way more sophisticated than that and I fucking hate marzipan.
** 5 minutes on full power, stand for ten minutes followed by another 5 minutes on defrost setting

Mrs Tweedy's Bacon Sandwich

It had been arranged that 30%'s family would visit us for breakfast and an exchange of presents this morning. 30% wanted to present a full-on full English Breakfast until I reminded her of her convalescence and advised that bacon cobs would be served with ketchup of one's choice.*

Shortly after ten o'clock I could be found cooking a veritable mountain of bacon. There were only eight of us so twenty rashers of smoked back were judged ample, placed in a pre-warmed dish and rushed to the table along with two dozen crusty cobs. As the food started to disappear it became apparent that more bacon was needed so I returned to the kitchen and another thirty rashers of finest streaky were cooked and delivered to the table.

Now, I like my food but even I could only manage two cobs, both of which were packed with ample rashers of bacon, so I was somewhat amazed that 30%'s Dad and Sister both managed three. Neither of them are big people, her sister is positively tiny, but Christ can they put food away.

However, neither Roy nor Amy won the pig of the pig award. That honour was bestowed on Mrs Tweedy. At this point I should probably clarify Mrs Tweedy's identity. Back in the Summer 30%'s Mum and Dad did a spot of dog sitting whilst we had an overnight stay with friends in Cheshire. Tyson reported that she had found 30%'s mum squeezing the chickens in order to extract the eggs and from that day forward she has developed a reputation as the nemesis of hens much like the character Mrs Tweedy in the Aardman Animation Film  Chicken Run.

Now our Mrs Tweedy is not a big woman either, apparently there have been occasions when she has borrowed 30%'s sisters clothes.** Hopefully, by now, you have developed a picture of a somewhat shrewish woman with a frame that is erring towards gaunt. Well, this morning I was sat next to her and
happened to notice that a couple of bites in to her first bacon cob she paused and returned the roll to her plate. She opened the already healthily crammed butty and then added several more rashers of bacon to produce a bacons sarnie with a bacon to bread ratio*** even I would be amazed by.

I casually mentioned this to 30% later in the day and she confirmed that she too had noticed this boxing day gluttony and had been equally amazed.

---

* Generally I go with brown sauce with bacon and tomato ketchup with sausages. Don't ask me why but to reverse this arrangement is anathema to me … positively a crime against nature.
* The word mutton would normally come to mind but fucking sad and delusional is probably closer to the truth.
*** A mathematical model has been developed here at The Pile that determines whether there is sufficient bacon in the sandwich. At least 20% of the sandwich must be bacon, preferably much closer to 100%

Christmas Eve

After breakfast I hit my virtual "to do" list and extracted the gammon joint from the fridge and the rib of beef from the freezer. The former was taken up to the kitchen whilst the latter was left on a platter in the cellar to slowly thaw. The gammon was put in to a huge pan of water and hefted on to the hob. It was going to take some time to come to the boil so I wandered in to the study and made a start on wrapping 30%'s gifts.

By ten o'clock the gammon was simmering nicely and my wrapping was just about done. This was perfect timing as 30% and I needed to head in to Worcester to have her incision dressed.* TP was left in charge of the house with strict instructions to tidy up and keep an eye on the gammon.

We were home shortly after midday and by the time we had lunched the gammon was ready to be removed from the jam kettle. It was placed in a roasting dish, studded with cloves and basted with brown sugar and honey. It was then roasted for twenty five minutes and emerged from the oven looking quite splendid.

Buoyed by this culinary success I took a ride in to Tesco to pick up a few last minute necessities and to see if there were any bargains to be had. I did return with a Grade A fresh Turkey which had been reduced by twenty pounds but it was not exactly cheap even after the reduction.**

Back at home it was a case of unpacking the groceries and further present wrapping before settling in front of the TV for a film.

---

* The nurse seemed to think all was going well but took a swab just to be on the safe side. Both 30% and I took some convincing as the dressing smelt quite unpleasant. If I am truly honest I thought that one of use had trod in dog poo as we drove in to Worcester. It probably needs to be said that I have always had a keen sense of smell.
* Twenty eight pounds, or thereabouts.

Apparently I was given a tailor made leather coat*

Today is my Birthday.

 I woke just before six this morning and wandered downstairs to enjoy an espresso from the new Gaggia. I had spent a while yesterday evening flushing the thing through and grinding some beans so that this morning all I had to do was turn it on, let it heat up and then create a perfect double espresso. Whiffler even slept in so my first coffee of the day was undisturbed by a dog demanding to be let out for a pee.

Eventually 30% and TP appeared and I was rewarded with cards and humorous gifts. 30% presented me with a novelty ice cube tray that produces icebergs and Titanics to be added to one's Gin and Titonic. TP presented me with a large but very light gift that I shook but was none the wiser. 30% warned that it might be fragile and TP advised that it most definitely was breakable. I removed the paper to see that he had been to the Pound Shop to replace the Drain Cover that he destroyed with the wheelie bin a couple of weeks ago … Little Git!

During the morning I actually found 5 minutes to apply a coat of primer to the Enfield's last engine mounting plate while 30% was distracted by a telephone call. As I was cleaning my brushes I was informed that there was a free slot for her CT scan this afternoon so a 2:30 appointment was arranged at the hospital in Worcester.

The remainder of the morning was taken up by a visit by BMS and SMS who called in to pass on Birthday gifts and greetings. BMS advised that he is to receive some important news when his Grandson; Anthony calls in on the 27th … it didn't take Rocket Scientist to surmise that he is likely to become a Great Grandfather at some point in 2015.

Shortly after midday we headed over to The Oak at Upton Snodsbury for a birthday lunch and 30% and I then headed in to Worcester for her 2.30 appointment in the Imaging Suite at The Spire South Bank Hospital on the Bath Road. It was not far off four o'clock before we were back at home.

A good chunk of the early evening was spent lugging enormous presents down from the spare room and wrapping them in front of the TV. As birthdays go this one was par for the course … it had the usual Christmas interruptions plus, on this occasion, 30%'s hospital visit too for added variety.

One day I swear I will do exactly what I want on my Birthday. I know that is a very selfish thing to say but if you can't be selfish on your birthday when can you be? I am also aware that trying to have a birthday with Christmas knocking at the door is like trying to focus on a candle in front of the sun at midday … it ain't never gonna happen.

---

* Over the past couple of months I have made numerous visit to Jonny on Stratford Market as he has designed and then fitted a tailor made leather coat for me. It was to be my birthday gift but at the time of jotting this down 30% has made reference to it but has yet to present it to me. I hope it turns up soon it is supposed to be cold on Christmas Day.