More Channelling

I have have had a peculiar day. I have had an intense review session with my European colleagues which appeared to go reasonably well but then went tits up because the Chair revoked on the summarising action that he declared at the end of the call.

Instead of taking the "split decision" to a Senior Exec he backed down and now appears to be presenting an "un approved" decision. Needless to say this has caused all sorts of ructions and I propose to move slightly in to the shadows and watch for a few hours to see what happens.

I appreciate that this is not peculiar but what is most strange is that for most of the day I appear to have been channelling an Estate Agent's thoughts and voice. Not just any Estate Agent (Realtor for any US Readers) but one who appears to sell Lairs to Criminals. I am not talking Crack Houses to "Homies" here I am talking about pukka hollowed out mountains to International Shadow Figures. I can't get the bloody voices out of my head....

.... This is the scene; I am in some Swanky Office. You know the sort, high quality images of the residences and their fine interiors, prices that make you wince and walk on. In limps my prospective client, a scar down one side of the face, a cat and a henchman. He enters and in a faint European accent advises that he is looking for a new "base for his operations" and wonders what I have on my books. I escort him in to the office and politely suggest that the Henchman might like a coffee from the machine. Typically the Henchman says nothing and stands stock still. I follow Mr Ex in to the Private office and present a number of glossy brochures.....


I have a number of possible properties on my books at the moment. Perhaps you would like to consider this very traditional Volcano Lair with sliding lake allowing helicopter access direct in to the interior. It dates from the 60's and has been beautifully maintained. The Seller is an old friend and we know that he has had the Lake mechanism serviced annually and it is whisper quiet. We appreciate that some do regard this type of base as somewhat dated but I have to say that retro is "in". It is absolutely delightful and a snip at this asking price.....

....... yes, I am sure that the Volcano is inactive but, of course, we would recommend that all of our Purchasers do avail themselves of a full structural, and in this case, Geological Survey before completion......

..... Yes, this other volcano is slightly more spacious and does have a more modern monorail transit system as opposed to the older electric golf carts but I would point out that there is a slum township on the lower slopes. Some say a cunning disguise but we here say "trashy" and most definitely not you.

If the volcano residence is not for you perhaps we can offer something different. I do appreciate that the Volcano is only really suitable for Gentlemen that operate in a single Geographical Region. As an alternative, have you considered and under sea complex. We have a fine one just adjacent to the Marianas Trench. It is an up and coming area and is perfectly placed for the hijacking of high value goods being transported by shipping including the old favourite; radioactive waste.


I have to say that the views from this residence are absolutely fantastic and there are no troublesome neighbours. Have you seen this interior shot showing the circling sharks ......

..... do you know, I think you are right, that IS a severed hand falling from the jaws of that one on the left.......

..... The previous owner - oh he is a lovely chap. Retired now. got out of the game at the right time and has settled in Devon and runs an organic Veg Box Business as a hobby.....

.... Basically made a mint holding most of the Russian Federation to ransom with a threat of contaminating their oil supply and took the money and ran after considerable cosmetic surgery.....

... No, not you, yes I appreciate that it is a little out of the way and Ocado are never going to deliver.....

.... by the way I just noticed that your cat's titbits look just like severed pinkies, how cute ....

... Oh, they are ........ Well I never ....


.... now, where was I, we've looked at Volcanoes and they are a possibility, the under sea complex is a little oppressive and gloomy, have you ever thought about a Jungle Complex? No, not one of the old ones, they are all sat behind Aztec ruins, are full of spiders and have dodgy air condioning....

.... what I am proposing for you is 90 square miles of pristine Jungle. Total seclusion, great weather and beautiful views and, here is the big plus, you get the Complex that really meets your needs. We happen to have an up and coming Architect who can bring your dreams to life. He has had the perfect upbringing to visualise your needs, develop them further and bring them to life in this verdant setting.

His background gives him the perfect mental perspective to make this work, his mother hated him, his father hated him, his friends mocked him and his teachers loathed him. Even his Teddy preferred to be tied to the front of a dust cart than join him in bed. These experiences have made him the perfect guy to build your base for world domination and a joint degree in Architecture, Politics and Nuclear Physics make him the man to turn your dreams to reality .....

.... No, Oh I see, Mrs Ex isn't keen on that amount of gardening. Hmmm, Ok, we are down to the last one in the pile....

.... I have to warn you that it is expensive and some of my less discerning clients have not been able to pick up on the atmosphere. This one is most definitely gritty and urban in a totally remote, non-urban way......

..... It is perfect for the man who wants to rule the world and will give you the best location for that type of operation. It is delightful, very modern, very monochrome, lots of space, easy maintenance and plenty of parking, no intrusive neighbours, no nearby military bases or aggressive, interfering right wing Governments that want to be seen as whiter than white and try to limit your "operations"....

  ..... viewing, err yes ............ I'm sure we could arrange a viewing although that might not be for a couple of weeks........


... the location, well .......

... it is the dark side of the moon.

Wasted

This week has been somewhat intense, especially after last week's US trip followed by the Under 14's Rugby Tour. Basically I feel like I haven't stopped to wind down for the past 12 days and am feeling somewhat frazzled.

This week I have to progress my project through a series of Executive Reviews in order that I can pass my outputs to my US colleagues who can, in turn, crank a handle and present some numbers to our client. I have 5 reviews in 4 days and, so far, I have managed to clear every hurdle. I am not saying that this is an easy ride - it is far from that - but so far we have managed to get conditional approvals to progress to the next stage. This intense schedule has also dictated that I visit the Office for the first three days of the week which is an unusual working pattern for me.

I appreciate that this is far from exciting but it has occupied so much of my time this week that I have had little time for anything else. Today, however, there was a brief lull and Golfy and I met up at the nearest circle of hell and disappeared down the Pub at lunchtime like the dedicated professionals that we are.

I also managed to get home at a reasonable hour and managed to pop over to the Blacksmith to pick up the curtain rails and also take T&M round the Three Miler for the first time since Sunday.

My final review is tomorrow afternoon and hopefully I will then be able to relax and ease my way in to the weekend.

Channelling Your Pets

Today has been spent reviewing the project with the aim of ensuring it is in a fit state to go through a series of Executive Reviews later on this week.

There is no way that I can make this entertaining or interesting so I thought I'd provide a brief description of one of my latest diversions......

..... since T&M joined out family unit they have become exactly that, members of the family. They have their own personalities and peculiarities and consequently anthropomorphism has blossomed and each one has become a furry person with much the same rights and degree of latitude as that given to young children.

This has allowed me to develop a new form of entertainment known at The Pile as Pet  Channelling. This is quite straightforward but does allow me to get away with some of the most outrageous behaviour. Basically I crouch near either T&M and start a conversation with them in much the same style as Johnny Morris in Animal Magic except that there is more bad language than in the children's BBC TV Programme. Generally I tend to "channel" Marauder as her personality is the more talkative of the two dogs. Tyson is more of the "strong silent type". Obviously I am delivering both parts of the conversation but it is amazing how much I can get away with as both 30% and TP seem to go with the flow and take part in this ridiculous charade.

Here's an example of a recent Channelling Experience....

Badman              Hello Marauder, did you miss me?

Marauder            Yes  (in a plaintive tone)

Badman              Did you have a nice week with 30% and TP while I was away?

Marauder            I wanted to come with you (again in a plaintive tone)

Badman              I’m sure you had lots of nice walks with 30%

Marauder            No, it was shit!

So, there you have it, give Pet Channelling a try and create a whole new dimension to your relationship with your furry companions.

Match Day

TP and I rose at eight, breakfasted and headed over to the host Rugby Club. Their team were absolutely enormous. I have never seen 14 year olds like them. In terms of skill they were on par with TP's team but their size gave them a considerable advantage and it was a home win.

Back home TP and I watched the England v Scotland International before 30% and I took T&M around the 3 Miler.....

...... it's great to be home at last.

Revolving Doors

I arrived back in Birmingham at around 6.45 am and was firing up the Defender in Long Stay 1 about 30 minutes later.

After a 40 minute drive I walked through the doors at home to be enthusiastically greeted by 30% and T&M. Actually, if the truth be told, 30% has to wait for T&M to calm down before she can get close enough for a kiss and a hug .....

..... they do get a little excited.

I had barely walked through the door before we were climbing back in to the car to take TP over to the Rugby Club. 30% had made a couple of calls and had arranged for another parent to take TP over to the days first activity; a Water Park session so that I could spend a couple of hours at home before leaving for Newcastle-under-Lyme. I therefore  managed to unpack one bag, repack another, shove a bacon sandwich down my throat and have a nap before I climbed back in to the car and trundled up to Newcastle-under-Lyme.

I have never been to this part of the world before and can now report that I saw absolutely nothing to drag me back, motorways, dual carriage ways, speed bumps, warehouses  and motels......

....... welcome to North Staffordshire!

After finding the Hotel, and TP,  we drove over to the host Rugby Club and watched the Ireland : Wales International before returning to the hotel for Dinner. I was pretty shattered and made it through to 10.30 before retiring to bed .....


....... where I had to do my Good Samaritan act as an elderly lady was collapsed outside my room apparently suffering from a hypoglycaemic attack (low blood sugar). I'm diabetic so am familiar with the condition and took the appropriate measures;  I quickly emptied a few sugar sachets in to a mug, added warm water, stirred  and got her to drink it. She slowly became more lucid but none of the people in attendance could get her upright and her partner was pissed and useless. Eventually we called a paramedic and it became apparent after a blood test that her problem was alcohol rather than poor diabetic management.

Tiredness rapidly converted my concern to irritation as it became apparent that a) she had just got drunk and fallen over and b) her tanked up companion couldn't be arsed and showed not one iota of concern for her condition.

I eventually slipped in to bed at 11 having had 4 hours sleep* in the past 36. I could, as my Dad would have put it, slept on a clothes line I was so tired.

* in a Continental Airlines cattle class seat

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Other Stuff - Whilst I was in Boston Chippy Ian had finished the Linen Cupboard on the Landing and I finally got to see it. He has done an absolutely fantastic job and his design is perfect for the space and age of the house. He will be back fairly soon to build wardrobes in the same style once Andy & Steve have re-plastered the bedroom ceiling.

No Peace for the Wicked

A hotel room in Cambridge MA. It is 6.30 in the morning. Bad Man is stumbling around in his underwear and a T-shirt packing his suitcase.

Fish                 Badman, we need to talk.

Badman           Sure Amerigo, What’s up?

Fish                 Badman, this relationship is not working. To be honest, I feel used. You had me dragged from the Tank downstairs where I was happy with my fishy buddies and for the past week I have swam around this crappy bowl on my own and you have hardly spent 10 minutes in the room let alone had any quality time with me …..

Badman           But Amerigo …..

Fish                 Don’t you “But, Amerigo” me. You have treated me really badly and I want out of this relationship. You have treated me like crap and I’m telling you I want out of this. I spoke to Sebastian and he said you were a really nice guy but you are a shitty, uptight British idiot and I hope you get a cramped, window seat on a rammed flight that is delayed you ass hole.

That didn’t go very well at all did it? With retrospect I guess that I should have found time to visit the Mall and get Amerigo a gift at the very least. But, what do you buy a hotel fish? I suppose he might have liked some new plastic weed or could have got him a Castle. Mind you, he is very much a US Goldfish so he would probably have been happier with a little plastic Condo to swim in and out of. 

My Mom warned me about people like you !

  

As you may have guessed I have had a pretty intense week that didn’t leave much room for “me time”.  Working in the States means that my UK based team mates have a 5 hour advantage on me and they use that time well. They devote many hours to filling my in-box with as many emails as they possibly can. This means that my in-box is rammed even though I had diligently cleared it the day before.

The plan for this week is to have 4 days of sessions with our Client with the aim of honing our Proposal to a greater degree of relevance and accuracy. I need to keep on top of the information flows making sure that new data gets fed back to the UK and that UK questions get answered by the client or our US colleagues.

Needing to keep material moving has meant that most days have started with me checking my mail at around 6 in the morning and taking a couple of hours to get the priority stuff dealt with before getting breakfast and crossing the road to the Office. On Tuesday I woke at around 4.30 am due to Jet Lag and stupidly wandered over to my Laptop. I ended up having a chat with Golfy who has been ably “minding the shop” back in Blighty whilst I am infiltrating Corporate America.

The early start is a great way of keeping stuff moving back in the UK but it does result in a long working day. Each day has ended with a hour long Review and Highlights meeting that finishes around 7.30 pm but there have often been additional activities after that. To cut to the chase, I have rarely left the Office before 8 pm and then it has been a case of going straight to a restaurant for dinner and a couple of beers before returning to my room. I have then generally crashed immediately hence the issue with the Fish that is currently demanding relationship counselling.

So, there you have it, the pattern of the week has been 12 to 14 hours days of meetings and information management followed by a few hours of relative relaxation with my US workmates before retiring to partake of the intermittent sleep of the mildly jet-lagged.

I’m basically knackered and the flight home is once again rammed. I think wistfully back to my last trip when I had a row to myself and could stretch out. This time it will be a fitful doze in a Cattle Class seat.

I won’t really be able to kick back and relax on Saturday either as it is TP’s Rugby Tour and I will be driving him up to Newcastle under Lyme in Staffordshire within two or three hours of landing back in the UK.

With that thought at the forefront of my mind I had better sign off. I would like to be able to promise that normal service will be resumed next week but I am guessing that a series of Executive Reviews is likely to occupy most of my time

Wings & Carousels

So, here I am. 33,000‘ above the North Atlantic in a Boeing 757 that is absolutely rammed to the gills. I have been given a window seat and, it is fair to say, am not best impressed.

I am becoming somewhat claustrophobic as I get older and am feeling hemmed in by my laptop, the chap in front who has reclined his seat and my two travelling companions who I have to trouble every time I need to leave my seat. I used to enjoy the window seat but now I will happily let others take in the view and I will enjoy the comparative room and freedom of the aisle seats.

I suppose I should put away the laptop and give my self the illusion of some more space. I did try to complete some work and got as far as knocking up a spreadsheet for one of my colleagues but the environment is hardly conducive to doing anything more complicated than that.

How different this is to my last trip when, on both flights, I was the sole occupant of the row and was able to stretch out. On that trip I had the best of both worlds; plenty of room and the views from the window too.

I eventually arrived in Newark and, for once, was pleasantly surprised. Actually I was bloody amazed. Things were running like a Swiss watch and I was through immigration,  baggage reclaim, customs and the security checks for the internal flight in under 30 minutes. On the past two occasions these processes have taken 90 minutes or more so today was a welcome surprise after the cramped 7 and a half hour flight.

I arrived in Boston at around 4 in the afternoon and took a cab to the hotel. I checked in and ordered my fish*. Amerigo arrived some 40 minutes later and he is now happily doing circuits of his bowl as I write this entry.

I killed off threescore emails and then joined up with a few of my colleagues for a Chinese meal and learnt that when reading fortune cookies you have to add the words  "between the sheets" or  "in bed" after the fortune ....

... it really does give them a much needed lift.

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* My preferred hotel is pet friendly and will supply a goldfish for your room if requested. I do as I quite enjoy having the little fellow around.

Licking their wounds

Sunday started early as T&P was playing in the grudge match between his previous and current Rugby Clubs.

We were all out of the house by half past nine so that TP could train before the game. 30% and I did our own pre match warm up by taking T&M around the fields before the eleven o’clock kick off.

We hoped for a win and things looked good when TP’s team took an early 5 point lead with an unconverted try. Unfortunately they lost focus and the Visitors quickly equalised. Despite managing to keep on the pressure and keep the ball in the opponents half for an impressive amount of the game the Home team did not manage to increase their score.

Unfortunately the Opposition scored on two more occasions so the long hoped for win was not to be. TP’s team played really well and it was a close game. With a little more luck they could have got the win they deserved. As expected things did get a little heated at times and the Referee came close to putting one of the visitors in the Sin Bin for throwing a punch.

It will be the Autumn before they meet again if the rivals can still manage to pull a team together. One of the reasons we moved clubs, putting aside the conduct issue with one of the Coaches, was that they seemed to have problems pulling in sufficient lads to form a squad and that was apparent today when they arrived with no substitutes.

The rest of the day was pretty domestic. I had to pack for tomorrow’s trip to Boston and I also popped over to see my Dad. He is licking his wounds too as he took a tumble in the week and has a number of bumps and bruises and possibly a cracked rib. I was relieved to find that he was in good humour but is obviously in pain when he has to move. I gently chastised him for not paying a visit to his GP and urged him to do so if the pain doesn’t subside. I hope it is just bruising as I have cracked a few ribs of my own over the years and they are incredibly painful and take a long time to heal.

It will be an early night tonight as I have a five o’clock start to make a seven o’clock check-in at Birmingham airport.

Being Prepared ......

Andy & Steve have been booked in to take down our bedroom ceiling and re-plaster. They will be here for the week commencing 21st March.....

..... so this morning was spent dismantling our bed and moving it out on to the Landing ensuring that there was still space for Chippy Ian to work when he returns on Monday to finish the Linen Cupboard. It might seem that this is all a bit premature but I am away in Boston for the next week and return on Saturday 12th March just in time to accompany TP to the wilds of Staffordshire for his Rugby Tour.

The following week is likely to be filled with work activities so realistically it is best to get as much done up front.

After lunch 30% and I took T&M for a walk and then nipped in to town to drop some no longer needed items off at the Charity Shop, stock up with supplies and pick up some electrical components from the DIY store.

The rest of the afternoon was spent sorting out the light switch in our bedroom. For some strange reason this had been surface mounted with the cables run through plastic conduit. It was a fairly simple matter to re-route the cables and install a new box and switch such that it is neatly mounted flush with the wall and with the cables concealed from view. Andy & Steve will rectify the plasterwork when they arrive in a couple of weeks.

Looking to tomorrow TP has a rugby match against his old team and it will be something of a grudge match. Lets hope his team play as well as they did last week as it would be especially good to beat the old side.

Most of today was spent tying up as many loose ends as possible and getting my ducks in a row as I am crossing the pond on Monday.

I think you will find that I have just called a Full House on Management Bull Shit Bingo!

In reality I managed to tie my shoes to the chair leg and the ducks are hung in a very crooked line with the one at the front looking like it has just taken the contents of both barrels of a 12-Bore up it's chuff.

Fortunately Frolleague Golfy has climbed on board to assist over the next week or so and will be there with Tape and Spirit Level to ensure that the Ducks would pass Hilda Ogden's* inspection. I have made this reference to Coronation Street as Golfy makes no secret of his fanatasicm and I need to keep him on-side.

They still look wonky to me.

The next couple of weeks are going to be a bit manic with a high likelihood of veering right in to the shit at the back end. Ah well, its only 14 days, I may need to make some arcane sacrifice to curry favour with the Gods.

As the day length increases in line with my workload I have been walking T&M later in the afternoon. The recent high pressure has meant that the days are cold but the skies are clearer and this evening I had a lovely walk. I had timed it perfectly ....

...... actually this should have read "luckily" and the sun was setting over the hill behind the Church as we wandered back in to the village. There were no clouds and I was treated to a fantastic couple of minutes as I paused to watch the Sun merge with and then drop below the horizon. That means that the Sun is officially over the yard arm and I can open a bottle of wine. Mind you five o'clock is a bit early perhaps I'll shift another few emails first.

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* I am aware that Hilda was better known from a Decor perspective for her "muriel" but apparently she also had ducks.

Don't tell 30%

I had to host a Review in Farnborough today.

Home to Office is 120 miles, Journey in; 2 hours and 20 minutes, journey home; 2 hours 20 minutes including a 15 minute stop for a conference call. Both journeys involved the M25 during rush hour, several country lanes, a very busy M40 and Farnborough town centre.

30%'s car seems to be performing very well and picks up nicely when the traffic clears!

Picture Post. No. 5

Forgive me,  but my day has been e-mails followed by calls "ad-infinitum". I have made great progress but not one iota of that will be of interest to you.

I have therefore picked out this one from the archives as today's entry. This is a shot of Half Dome taken in Yosemite National Park in the Summer of 2006.

The view from the car park !

Yosemite is an incredible place with an awe inspiring scale to someone used to UK Geographical dimensions. Half Dome is so high that climbers actually "camp out" on that sheer face when they make an ascent with ropes. Apparently they haul up a narrow collapsible platform to sleep on held to the face by camming devices or whatever it is those head cases use.

It is truly beautiful and amazing that the Sequoia National Park is only a few miles away and equally wondrous.

It's not good news ...

A few weeks ago I had minor moan about my Wellies. They were less than 12 months old and the heel was already so worn down that the internal cavity was just visible......

..... well, on a recent walk I noticed a cool feeling in the region of my toes, Hmm, I thought and wandered on. The cool feeling took on an element of dampness and then, as time progressed, a hint of definitely soggy.

I arrived home to find one foot as dry as bone and the other "not".

Like any caring Wellington owner I took them in to an Emergency Cobbler but the  prognosis was grim. "It's not good news ...." he said "... and such a young pair too, barely in to their stride". I surreptitious wiped a tear from my eye and stifled a sniff. "Is there anything you can do?" I asked, knowing the answer already. "The best thing we can do is put them out of their misery. Don't worry it will be painless, a swift hobnail driven in to nervous system and it will be all over"

It was nice that he sugar coated it. I wouldn't have wanted the grim details. I left them there to be euthanised and will pick them up later on. I'm not sure whether to go with a simple burial in the garden or a cremation although I guessing that the Environmental Health will have a go about me casting my Argylls on to a funeral pyre.

They say two out of three aint bad .....

...... but I'm not sure that I wholeheartedly agree.

My Day went like this. Pretty much the first activity after seeing TP off to school was to drop the Defender over at the workshop - CHECK.

Then back home to receive Chippy Ian so that he could make start on the Landing cupboards - CHECK

The make a few work calls to ensure that the rest of the week goes in the right direction rather than veering off course like a riderless bike - CHECK

So that's it, my day is set up and I should be able to enjoy my day off work. 30% had a day off too so we took T&M for a walk before returning to keep Ian filled with tea and perform other domestic odds and ends - I got to wax TP's bathroom door - the fun just never ends....

...... and so we get to the point where we appraise the day's activities and that is where the title of this entry gets a modicum of relevance. Ian has made a great start. The Linen Cupboard will be brilliant giving us some much needed storage on the open Landing  but without impacting the space to any great degree. He should only need a couple more days to complete the carcassing and make to two pairs of doors. Win number 1.

The work calls all seemed to go smoothly and I am therefore claiming that as Win number 2 although I am sure to regret this smugness by about Wednesday when it all goes tits up.

So that leaves the Defender and I am sure that you are ahead of me here .....

..... The Stage 1 tune has not happened. I was hoping to be razzing around the lanes in a truck with a lot more oomph but that was not what happened. The ECU upgrade is pretty straightforward process. The mechanic procures the remap software, a one use item, and installs it on the ECU. The fact that the remap software is a single use item ensures that the Software House gets paid for every remap. They have a variety of control methods and it appears that, for whatever reason, this remap cannot be applied to the Defender due to a software glitch - FUCKING PROGRAMMERS - Mark has therefore paid for an upgrade that will not apply and I am sat here without a car until some geek pulls his finger out and stops playing World of Warcraft long enough to do what he should have done right in the first place. I am mildly irritated by this but am sure it will be sorted in the next day or so.

Star Performance

And so Sunday starts.

For me waking on Sunday morning is like when you are driving the car and don't depress the clutch far enough. That grinding of gears that makes the mechanically sympathetic wince is a bit like the start of a Sunday. You wake, the mental gears grind and you wince knowing that Monday is a whole lot nearer. But then you need to press the pedal down and enjoy what you've got left. Theoretically I have a day off tomorrow but I seem to need to do an hour of work here and there throughout the extended weekend to keep the various balls in the air.

Anyway, enough of that and let's turn to Andy Parsons or, as the Daily Mail described him "... a surprisingly well informed Green Grocer". Like many I came across Andy as a regular on the BBC show Mock The Week. I thought he had something but 30% was not so sure so the Jury was split as we took up front row seats at Warwick Arts Centre last night.

Andy closing his set

He was really good. A pretty straightforward set delivered in a mildly disgruntled way and spiced with plenty of sarcasm and irony. 30% was won over by his well paced stream of on-target gags.

Now I appreciate that you may be thinking that I say "go see him/her" after all of the stand-up gigs so for fair measure I had better point out that I have seen some absolute Turkeys in my time.  Andy was definitely great but I would never pay good money to see Stewart Lee after he bombed at Warwick about 18 months ago. I enjoyed Reg D Hunter's flashes of genius but he was pretty pissed/stoned and for much of the set was a little off key. Canadian One-liner king Stewart Francis is great but he has very limited range of material and if you have seen much of him on TV you will have seen his set already.

Anyway, give Andy a go. The Gruntled Tour is running through to May according to his website and learn how to avoid looking shit on Mock The Week...

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Other Stuff:

It is Sunday and TP is in the house. This means that Rugby is the principal morning activity. We arrived early so he could train and took T&M for a walk before the eleven o'clock kick off. As we took up position on the touch line the heavens opened and poured a steady rain on the proceedings only stopping a few minutes before the full time whistle blew.  The weather didn't affect TP's team and they put in a competent performance and the game ended in a deserved win. TP seemed to have had a pretty steady game playing out on the wing. He made some cracking tackles and had two or three serious attempts at taking the ball to the try line. I was really pleased at how he had played and it appeared that I was not the only one.....

....... he appeared from the changing room, clutching a hot dog in one hand and the man of the match award in the other. I am indeed a proud Dad.

The rest of the day has been spent clearing the landing in preparation for Chippy Ian who will be turning up tomorrow morning to make a start on the Linen Cupboard.

The Wanderer Returns

TP has returned from his Austrian tour intact with tales of his skiing expertise. He has had a fantastic time and took to skiing like the proverbial duck to water. He has never skied before but was moved up a class after the first 10 minutes when he had already mastered the snow plough and basic turns.

It seems that he has progressed incredibly well and quickly caught up with his friends that had previous skiing experience. He must have been pretty handy as he showed us a video he had shot whilst skiing a red run - pretty impressive for only a few days of practice.

He arrived home yesterday afternoon absolutely shattered after a 20 hour coach Journey and has spent much of his time sleeping since. He was alert enough to notice that he was now sleeping in his new bedroom and that 30% and I had installed a new wardrobe and supplied some very funky bed linen to go with his chosen colour scheme of Taxi Yellow and Orange.

His skiing exploits have prompted 30% to consider a winter holiday next year and I was surprisingly asked for my views on a Winter holiday.....

.... I agreed that the Seychelles or the Maldives would be nice in February 2012. Ouch! Apparently that was not what 30% meant.

Today the plan was to take T&M for an early walk, pop in to Tesco and then have lunch at a local pub. This would leave the afternoon free for an hour or so of work in front of the Rugby  followed by a kip and then over to Warwick Arts Centre to see Andy Parsons do a stand-up set this evening.

This is all running to schedule but I would like to make one announcement to the absolute cock that gesticulated aggressively at 30% and me while we were taking T&M for a walk. This Bell End* saw Marauder crouch to do her business and then we walked on. The blind git assumed that she had taken a dump and that we were ignorant dog owners that were just going to leave it there. In response, I do clear up my dog's shit but if he had been slightly more observant he would have noticed that a) Marauder is a Bitch and b) she was taking a pee.

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* aka the pretentious old prat who puts on a shonky Scots accent to address the haggis on Burns Night. I may take the opportunity to correct him when I next see him.

Swings & Roundabouts

Work has been a real grind today; lengthy calls, numerous emails and a momentary clearing of the fog to see a really crappy three weeks ahead. Ah well ,at least it was forward movement today albeit not very far.

I am also becoming very cynical about people saying they will do something. I now regard that as complete and utter bullshit until they send an email saying that they have completed the task.

But enough of that, Hopefully I have done enough that will allow me to take Monday off as a day's holiday with only a couple of hours effort required tomorrow to keep work crawling along like the first proto-amphibian that hauled it's slimy bulk out of a Devonian sea 400 million years ago or thereabouts. Yep, Dante's might think it is racehorse fast but the previous sentence is a far more realistic view.

Right, back to Monday. On Monday I had planned to take the Defender in to the workshop to have Alpine windows fitted in to the roof as part of it's civilisation. At present it has a van body and there are a few tweaks needed to make the back more passenger friendly. The great thing about Defenders is that they are easily altered and the plan was to simply remove sections of the roof and insert the aforementioned windows.

This was before the mechanic got cold feet and called. He advised that my Defender has the new smooth roof and he was therefore concerned that inserting the windows would increase flexing in the roof and could lead to leaky windows or them simply dropping out. He advised that similar "factory" roofs with alpine windows have a lip around the aperture to prevent flexing. Bugger, I thought.

It's an impression, not a Technical Drawing

"Don't worry" he advised "I can get you a replacement roof with the windows already fitted from a Dismantler and bolt it on". "As for your current roof" he continued "I'll buy that off you as I am always doing conversions". I probably need to point out that the Defender is one step away from a Mechano car and is incredibly easy to reconfigure from Estate, to Pick-up to Van. All it takes is a few bolts and usually WD40 and and Elastoplast. .......

...... The numbers all stacked up. The additional cost of the full roof was easily offset by the price the Mechanic would pay for the current one and the reduced time required to fit a roof as opposed to the modification of the existing lid. In other words it was pretty much cost neutral.

The only fly in the ointment was that this was not going to happen on Monday as a roof still needed to be located. I had a flash of genius .....

...... "Ah" I said "so you now have a spare few hours on Monday". "Yes" Mark, the mechanic agreed. "OK, how about still having her in and giving her a Stage 1 ECU remap then?" I suggested. Mark laughed and agreed. So, now the Defender is going to have her BHP and Torque adjusted to a slightly more aggressive level which should make her slightly more civilised at Traffic Lights and Junctions. RESULT!

Ploughing a 10 acre field with a Merry Tiller

That is how the yesterday finished.

First things first lets have a quick recap of the day. To be fair most of it went very well. The sun came out. For the first time this week it was a pleasure to wander round the lanes with T&M, hat off, coat open - steady now - and feeling the sun and breeze on my face.

On the work front, most of the stuff I needed to do went well and it was only the final job that has been somewhat problematic. Fortunately there are other ways of achieving the goal so it will not weigh heavy on my conscience if I don't get it done.

The job, yes, I was getting to that, I have an enormous model that covers the entire planet and this model has been developed in a Lamborghini* of a tool. To continue the automotive analogy, realistically I could do with a Ford equivalent because the tool is way too sophisticated for much all of the stuff I will ever do with it.

The tool itself consumes huge amounts of memory and processing power on my laptop so when asked to divide a global model up in to Geographic chunks it simply sulked. It didn't crash or anything like that it sat there looking like it was doing something but was actually achieving nothing. To be honest I think the damned laptop put 1% of its processing powers in to showing me an animated graphic of an egg timer and spent the other 99% of its capabilities looking at high res images of computer chips on the internet - Dirty little sod!

 Hence I felt that I was attempting a job with a tool that was seriously inadequate. I'm guessing that a large chunk of today will be spent doing the same

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* as in it is very powerful, never works properly and the instructions are in Italian

Glass half empty

Yesterday was one of those days when everything I touched seemed to turn to shit......

.... I needed to print out a couple of hard copies and, due to a complete melt down of the OS on the home PC, needed to install the home printer to my work laptop. "Ah" you say, "that should be pretty straightforward" and I would agree. All I should have needed to do is bung in the CD, click Yes and I Agree at the appropriate points and watch an animated file fly from one folder to another.

My hardware, however, had other ideas and it required three attempts and a re-boot before the printer appeared in the printer list and that pretty much set the scene for the rest of the day.

Every time I tried to do something I was either interrupted or required to complete a number of pre-requisites before I could do what needed to be done. The net result was a somewhat jaded individual.

From this morning's viewpoint I know that I actually did quite well. I got a project review arranged for next week. I got clarity on how to run that review thanks to Golfy. I also managed to coax the home PC in to life with a bit of patience, a straightened paper clip and a massive pile of data CDs so there is no need to go out and procure a new PC for TP to do his homework on.

So, all in all, it was reasonably successful - it just felt like a crappy day.

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Other Stuff:
Marauder's Kennel Club Registration document finally arrived. It has taken the best part of a year to acquire this piece of paper as the Breeder decided that Marauder should be registered with an clause preventing any of her progeny from being registered. Even though we have no plans to breed from M we were quite miffed at this and requested its removal. Although the Breeder was willing to do so it has taken many letters and 'phone calls to get it sorted due to the fact that the Kennel Club point blank refused to liaise with the Breeder. This is in spite of the Breeder being quite happy for them to do so.

There is, of course,  a footnote because it is Marauder. Typically her poncy registered name is misspelt but, after dealing with the KC, I'm not going to go through the rigmarole of a name change.

Caution !

This Journal entry contains brief nudity and adult themes and may be upsetting for younger viewers.

Let me set the scene. It is half past ten and I have retired to bed to watch the News. 30% has wandered downstairs "au naturelle" for some undisclosed reason.

Whilst watching the news I pondered that being a Dictator must be really hard work if, in the past 40 years, Colonel Gaddafi couldn't find the time to promote himself further up the army ranking system. Whilst musing on how much time suppressing political opposition takes up I heard 30% shouting at Tyson downstairs. This is unusual as 30%'s general conversation with Tyson goes along the lines of "Who's my best girl".

The shouting continued so I hauled my arse out of bed - look away now, really there is nothing for you to see here - and stumbled down the stairs.

In the Hall I find Eddy, Tyson, Marauder and a half naked 30% all scurrying round excitedly. I make discrete enquiries and am advised that Tyson has just eaten a live mouse. I am suitably shocked at this and say "good, saves me catching the bugger" and am about to retire to bed when I am instructed to check Tyson's jaws ......

..... I assume for shreds of mouse stuck between the teeth - so difficult to remove, and who wants mouse breath next morning?

While I am doing this 30% kindly locates the still living mouse scampering round the floor. There follows an amusing naked romp involving the removal of dogs and cat, gathering of boxes and capture of misplaced rodent vermin.

I really need to talk to both the sodding cat and Tyson. They need to be taught not to play with their food as the end result is that I missed the weather and I do so like to comment on what Shefali Oza wears on the Midlands Weather forecast. Christ that woman needs a new wardrobe and don't get me started on Genelle Aldred!

Hedgerow Salad

The weather today is miserable. It is cool. It is damp. It is grey and dreary. It is not even worthy of being called weather. It is sort of what you would imagine would happen if someone switched off the weather or it defaulted to a limp home mode. I don't like it when it is like this. I would rather that it was pissing down with rain or hurling hail down on the ground than this insipid, damp, lack of meteorological action. I suppose I just like "weather with balls;" pouring rain, blazing sun, a gale anything but this.

Work has been similarly insipid. Nothing significant to do, just lots of irritating things that need to be kicked off or completed before the chaos starts in a week or so. I'll be back out in Boston in a couple of weeks time trying to get sufficient information so that our fag packet number is good enough to put in a contract.*

This afternoon I reluctantly grabbed coat, hat and the usual dog walking ephemera and set off with T&M round the Three Miler. I enjoy the walk and the opportunity to get away from the desk but the weather hardly made it the most enjoyable of rambles. T&M, of course, thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it and now have a new delicacy to add to their foraged snacks. For the past few weeks they have had pretty poor fare and have been subsisting on the odd road apple that they come across. There was a week of bounty when one of the local farmers was muck spreading and the roads were littered with extract of cow shed. The dogs were as happy as pigs in shit that week. That was pretty much how they smelt that week too.

This week however the Goosegrass (Galium aparine) has started to shoot and T&M absolutely love it. They charge from patch to patch nibbling away and seem to select it in preference to the other greenery. I noticed this last year too. I can only encourage them as the damned stuff will be a nightmare later on when it starts to seed and their coats are filled with the wretched stuff.

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* ooh look, Gloucester Old Spots coming in low from the South West. Their hams look beautiful silhouetted against the setting sun

Other stuff:
Chippy Ian rang back with the quotes and they are pretty close to what I had estimated. He has been booked for next Monday to start on the first of the jobs, the floor to ceiling linen cupboard on the Landing.

From Lazy to Bone Idle

With TP away falling down hills in Austria there is no Rugby training or games to fit in to my Sunday morning.

As a consequence no alarms were set and 30% and I further practice the art of the line-in. Eventually caffeine withdrawal got the better of 30% and she was first out of bed. I was roused with a double espresso at an especially civilised 9.15. The icing on the cake was that she had also let out the chickens so there was nothing to drag me from my pit.

The rest of the day involved me putting considerable effort in to "pottering". I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I have finally reached a pottering age but have also discovered that it is a euphemism for doing sod all but looking incredibly busy at the same time. This is therefore an art worth perfecting.

This evening saw a trip over to Warwick Arts Centre to see Radio 4's "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" stalwart Jeremy Hardy live on stage. He was dry, sharp and very witty with a stream of slightly edgy left wing intellectual conciousness that was very entertaining. It was difficult to pick out any material as a highlight but he was in the middle of a Middle Aged rant about Americanism where he came up with .....

......  "It's not I'm Good, it's Mustn't Grumble" . As it says "You probably had to be there"

Lazy Day

30% and I have had a very easy time of it today. We lay in until gone nine and, after a leisurely breakfast, popped in to Worcester for a wander round the shops. The weather today has been miserable which means that the sanding of doors in TP's recently decorated room is still on hold.

Perhaps it is for the best as we have both had a manic week so a lazy day is just what the Doctor ordered.

A welcome interruption at lunchtime was a text from TP to let us know that he had arrived in Austria.

The afternoon saw me drag a basket of logs in from the pile and take T&M out for a walk. The log burner was coaxed in to life on my return and I found that The Dam Busters was showing on HD so my afternoon was sorted.

The Mad Bat & Dickie are popping round this evening for a few drinks and a catch up. The Mad Bat's has had a particularly harrowing time recently so, understandably, it has been a good while since we last met up. It will be great to see them both and relax and chat in front of the fire.

Phew, I think I got away with it.

Today was deadline day at work. All week I have been updating numbers that needed to be passed to my American colleagues this evening. It was debatable whether I needed to have these numbers approved or not but, being the "new guy" I thought I had better get a Green Light.

I had a brief approval call and despite understandable concerns was allowed to proceed. This should be a cause for celebration but the further we progress the more the common concern is that it will end in tears. That is what can happen when Big Guns say "make it so".

Away from work my Dad popped round for coffee this morning and we spent half an hour catching up on each other's News. He asked if I was still writing the Blog and mentioned a tale that I might like to jot down. It concerns my Grandfather and Dad felt that it would sit well in the Journal.......

When my Dad was a boy the family home was very close to the local railway stations, note Stations plural it was GWR and LMS in those days. Instead of buying coal by the sack from the local Coal Merchant, Grand Dad would take his pick-up truck down to the Goods Yard and buy his coal loose there.  It was all above board and the process was that the pick-up would be weighed empty at the Goods Yard weighbridge. It would then be filled with coal and weighed again. A quick subtraction and Grand Dad was billed for the load of coal.....

.... "OK" I hear you saying "but it isn't the most interesting of tales". And I would agree if it wasn't for the fact that in those days the family dog was an enormous Springer Spaniel called Sam. Sam was massive for his breed and was probably about half a hundredweight if he was weighed. I appreciate that that is in "old money" and it translates to 56 lbs or about 25 Kilos in more modern coinage. Dad and Sam used to accompany Grand Dad when he used to buy coal but only Dad and Grand Dad used to get out of the truck when it was first weighed. This meant that the "empty weight" included 25 lbs of dog.

When the loaded truck was weighed everyone including Sam got out and Grand Father got 25 lbs of coal for nothing.

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 Other Stuff:
TP set off for his skiing trip to Austria today. as I look at the Dishwasher and the pile of recycling that needs taking out I think "God I miss him already"

Cold Cuts for Supper ?

Yesterday I was having a status review when I was asked to comment on a candidate's suitability for a role. It was all very off hand and an informal request.

I thought back fondly to when this candidate used to be a Task Manager for me and replied rather formally "I didn't feel able to comment on their suitability for the role". The Reviewer laughed and commented that I need not say any more.

As I said in the title, I think it is cold cuts for supper.

Progress.Part 2

The important things first; another egg was laid today. A Minorca egg this time which suggest that the day length has reached that critical point and the flock is about to start laying with a vengeance. To the non Hen savvy out there I suppose I had better point out how I know who lays what. My birds all run together as a single flock but each breed of chicken lays a different coloured egg. The Minorcas lay white eggs, the Marans deep chocolate brown, the Sussex pink tinted egg and the Araucanas actually lay a pale blue one. The combs and wattles also turn a deep red as the girls come in to lay so it is fairly easy to see who is earning their keep - even if their pay is chicken feed.

On the dog front Marauder encountered a couple of new Border Collies without barking today, although she did produce a few rumbles and grumbles later on the walk. Still this is an improvement on how she has been so hopefully she is finally calming down and becoming less nervous of other dogs.

On the work front I have managed to consolidate my costings and just need to discuss them with an Exec tomorrow before I get the thumbs up to pass them over to my US colleagues. I did learn today that when one of my colleagues says "yes, that seems a reasonable approach" what they actually mean is something very different when you ask them to put pen to paper. As they say - it is all part of the learning experience.

Back at the Pile, TP is off to Austria skiing with the school tomorrow so we are busy making sure that he is packed and ready to go. Earlier in the week he informed me that he is doing a project on The Middle Ages at school. Nowadays it is all "multi-discipline" and a project will cover many subjects including Science, History and Technology. I therefore helpfully suggested that he should train monkeys to Joust using cats as mounts and buy some leprosy bacteria culture (Mycobacterium leprae) off e-Bay and see if he could surreptitiously infect his form Tutor for that authentic  Medieval Beggar look *......


.... What do you mean "I'm not helping"

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* I thought innovation in a project was a good thing, as is going the "extra mile"

Picture Post. No. 4

Most of my day has been spent number crunching and the hours I wasn't doing that were spent walking T&M or packing TP's case for his skiing trip.

A consequence of this lack of news is that it is probably best if I go with a Picture Post rather than trying to make cramming salopettes in to a case sound interesting. Believe me I wouldn't even attempt to make consolidating cost estimates even slightly appealing.

Double Rainbow Loch Glencoul, Scotland. Aug 2009

This double rainbow was taken during our 2009 Summer Holiday in North West Scotland. It was taken from the window of the chalet which overlooked Loch Glencoul near Kylescu. It is an amazing place; remote beautiful and wild. The loch is home to seals and sea otters, although we only saw the former while we were there.

At low tide TP and I would wander down to the loch shore and collect wild mussels. After a quick scrub to remove the barnacles and weed 30% would cook them in a pan with white wine, shallots and garlic and serve them with a cream sauce. They were amazing and one evening TP actually found a small pearl in one of them.

Progress

Progress: making head way, moving forward, developing .....

...... Hmmm, probably far to early to tell.

I took Marauder to Dog Training last night and, for the first time in months, she was relatively calm whilst waiting to go in. There was no nervous barking, just friendly sniffing of her class mates. I also noticed while we were walking today that she didn't bark when we met Dave and his Welsh Terrier Grace. Is she making progress? Hmmm - probably far to early to tell.

I let the chickens out this morning and found that one of the Light Sussex had laid an egg. I have mentioned before that the hens are an aged bunch that only lay when the sun shines. We had a few eggs back in January when it snowed and I wondered at the time whether the light reflecting off the snow was enough to stimulate one of the Minorcas to lay. I may have had something there as it was very early in the year and the supply soon dried up again. It is getting to the point in the year when they should start to lay like crazy. They are certainly ploughing through the food at the moment and it would be nice if the relationship was a little more of a two way street.

On the work front...... actually "Bollocks" to the work front. Most of my team seem to think that I am there to apply the proverbial toilet paper. On a number of occasions today they have chucked crap over the wall and expected me to just live with it. To continue with the metaphor, since my hands were already dirty and full, I just threw it back at them and politely asked them to sort out their own problems rather than pass them to me. I have sat goggled eyed incorporating their outputs in to a costing tool for most of the day and can report that the tool is pretty lacklustre too. I have therefore signed off and called it a day.

Head Down

Today has pretty much passed me by. I managed to get out for a walk mid afternoon but other than that I has been sat on front of a laptop or with a phone glued to my ear.

I have to update a set of costs by the end of the week and am consequently chasing round to ensure that the right people are available and understand what to do. So far, so good but it is only Monday evening. I would suggest that we monitor the levels of expletives in the Journal as the week progresses.

Outside of work it was St Valentine's day and I was rewarded with a fantastic Monkey Card and a pair of tickets to see Dolly Parton when she tours in September. As 30% put it "a trip to see the Grand Tetons"*. This was a very appropriate cryptic clue considering our planned August road trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons National Parks.

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* Translate it via Google if you must

Rain Stopped Play

The plan for today was that 30% would take TP to Rugby Practice. She had volunteered to assist with the fund raising car wash at the Rugby Club. Having seen the state of her car, whichever poor devil got to wash that had definitely pulled the short straw. It was, to use the popular vernacular, minging.

I had planned to stay back at The Pile and sand the doors in TP's newly decorated bedroom.  This task was originally in the scope of the decorating work recently undertaken by Andy & Steve but they cocked up their estimates and didn't have enough time. So I now have a freshly painted room and two stripped, pine, ledge and brace doors to sand. Obviously I didn't want to fill a freshly painted room with dust so the plan was to drop them off their hinges and sand them outside on a couple of saw horses.....

....... as I said "that was the plan" until I checked the weather and saw that it was going to be drizzle followed by rain. Ho Hum, so I went with Plan B and put a coat of emulsion on the walls and ceiling in TP's bathroom.

Actually that was Plan C. Plan B was to place my arse on the sofa and watch a recording of yesterday's Rugby International. I know that there will be shouts of hypocrite following my piece on not getting the point of Sky + but the fact that I already knew the score and therefore painted the bathroom sort of reinforces the point I was trying to make; that most television isn't worth recording and, whilst TV ranges from an informative medium to an entertaining diversion, real life generally has the edge.

30% and TP returned shortly after midday and reported that the car washing had also been postponed due to the inclement weather. This means that the Seat is still crud encrusted and I am beginning to think that Thursday's break down was some form of protest. I am wondering if the lawn mower has been agitating again.

After Lunch Ian the Chippy and wife Debbie called round and we had a good natter and talked through the bits and pieces we wanted doing. They are a really nice couple and easy company and it will be great to have him involved in the next phase of the project.

The remainder of the afternoon was filled with a soggy walk round the Three Miler and then a quick bath for T&M.

The sun came out and 30% and I got busy today.

TP was spending the day with his Mum so it was a quick trip to Tesco, Lunch and then a list of chores. The new light and switch were installed in TPs bathroom and, after the dogs were walked, the bathroom cabinet was put on the wall.

Floors were scrubbed and swept and the debris that accumulates during the week was cleared away. Nothing exciting just a long list of domestic duties but a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day that The Pile looks a little more "together".

Over the past few months we have been more focussed on the renovations and we have a Chippy coming over tomorrow to quote for a few tasks including a fitted wardrobe in our Bedroom and a cupboard on the Landing.

He is a very capable Carpenter and General Builder and was part of the Team that built the extension back in 2007/08. Due to the age of the Property and it's consequent irregularity he built the roof by hand on site. There were no pre built roof trusses to be craned in to place and each length of wood was individually cut to fit. He also laid the oak floor on the Landing so we know that his carpentry repertoire runs from structural to decorative.

 All we need to do now is "get our ducks in a row" so that Andy and Steve have replaced the Bedroom ceiling before Ian is ready to come in a build the wardrobe.

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Other Stuff:

30%'s car came back from the local workshop. They had run a diagnostic test and no faults had come up and the damned thing started when they got it back to the workshop. It was fortunate that they tried to start it when they picked it up from home and it resolutely refused to fire up, otherwise we would have looked like a right pair of idiots. The fuel system has been checked and the filters replaced but nothing significant has come to light. It may have been contaminated fuel but they cannot be sure.  The Mechanic had come across this before in an Audi with the same engine and no cause could ever be identified. The engine type is normally very reliable so it is a case of fingers crossed that this is a "one off". Their advice was to join the AA and it if started to play up consider it time to get a replacement vehicle.

Work has started to ramp up as our prospective client has decided that they quite like the proposal that we have presented and we are through to the next stage. There will now be many weeks of discussion, debate and development of "numbers" hopefully followed by a similar amount of time devoted to Contractual debate before pen is put to paper.

Roller Coasters are for pussies .....

..... pass me the cream bowl.

Early yesterday evening 30% and I popped out to see a Blacksmith at his Forge over the other side of Droitwich. He was a nice guy and the iron curtain poles were just what we wanted so an order was placed for a couple of the bedrooms and the landing. We then returned to the car and drove off. Within 300 yards 30%'s car stalled in the middle of a country lane and refused to start.

Not what you want to see down a dark country lane

When I say Country Lane I mean COUNTRY LANE it was narrow with high banks and hedges either side."Ah" you are thinking "Banjo Country, stuck in the middle of nowhere"  - "No" this lane was like the M1. Within is a couple of minutes we had cars behind us and a truck in front. So there we were blocking a country lane in the dark.

I got out to explain our predicament to the truck driver. He was understanding and said he would reverse back. As we were talking a Traveller Gentleman in a small flat bed wagon asked if I wanted a tow out of the lane on to the main road. We gratefully accepted and within a few minutes were attached to his wagon by about 12' of rope - make a note of this as it becomes relevant later on.

So off we went at a fairly sedate 20 miles per hour down the lane. Mind you 20 mph down a narrow lane is bad enough add in that I am 12' from the back of a truck with no power steering and no brake servos and, lets say, it demanded a high degree of concentration.

At the end of the lane we stopped and my new Traveller friend came to untie us. He asked where we were from and we told him. He was unfamiliar with the village but was going to Redditch which was a damned site nearer civilisation than we were at present. He offered to tow us and we gratefully accepted. Thus began the ride of a lifetime.

If you have never been towed before let me tell you that it is not fun. It demands absolute concentration in a vehicle which handles like an absolute pig due to the lack of power assistance to steering and breaks. Remember I was 12' from the back of a truck and could see nothing so could only concentrate on his brake lights with my foot hovering over the centre pedal. It was dark and the route took us around the edge of Bromsgrove and down a dual carriage way. Roundabouts, drizzle and the end of the rush hour summed up the conditions. I wasn't having fun.

I hoped things would be better when we got on to the dual carriage way but my Traveller Buddy seemed to think that 50 mph was a suitable towing speed. So there we were, 12' from the back of a truck at 50 mph in the dark. Every cell of my body was screaming hit the brakes but I could do nothing but go along for the ride. You will not believe the sense of relief when we finally drew to a halt in Redditch.

As I said in the title Roller Coasters are for pussies, pay a Gippo £30 to tow you 16 miles along a blend of country lanes, suburban roundabouts and fast dual carriage ways if you really want to get your heart pumping and a real sense of danger.

Epilogue

A quick call to 30%'s younger brother got us a lift home and then Dickie and I went out with the Defender to tow the car at a far more sedate pace back home.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 6 in an occasional series

It has been noted that Marauder has been coming in from the garden with muddy paws, much muddier than usual.

Investigations have discovered a large hole has been excavated at the edge of the lawn near the chicken coop.

Marauder is asking that six similar offences be "taken in to consideration" after consultation with the cat's brief.

At the end of the walk

As we were nearing the end of our walk this afternoon a Buzzard lifted up from a paddock maybe 20 or 30 yards away. I watched as it slowly gained a little height and then headed off alternating between shallow glides and stiff wing beats.

It then dived and alighted in a tree about 200 yards away where the Bridle Path meets the field where TP sledges when it snows. It was a lovely few moments and, thinking it was finished, I turned to continue my walk.

As I adjusted my heading another Buzzard caught my eye coming in low from the North East. It too flapped and swooped then settled in the same tree, perhaps a pair.

Let's call it a draw

This morning I wandered down stairs to find Eddy with a mouse sat between his paws.

He looked up and in the manner of a true psychopath his expression changed, in an instant, from one intent on dissection and murder to one of pure innocence."He was lost and I was just giving him directions" was Eddy's response to my knowing look.

I collected up a small cardboard box and torch and in a couple of minutes the mouse was safely caught. It seemed intact and was soon released in the garden. All in all it was a rare comeback from the rodent team against some serious opposition. One all!

Humdrum

Very little to report today.

Yesterday evening's dog training went well with Marauder showing much improvement. This was the second week that she had attended without Tyson and she was far more comfortable with the exercises and generally more focussed. There was mention of the feasibility of splitting the two dogs in to separate classes but realistically I'm not sure that would be possible.

On the work front things are still quiet and I have a feeling of impending doom as I have a strong suspicion that every day of inaction now will mean extra long days in the near future. In other words, just because the client is not yet able to give us any direction does not mean that they will move their "end date".

I have a few odds and ends to keep me ticking over - barely.

Fasten your safety belts ....

.... it might get a little bumpy. Yesterday 30% and I had one of those odd conversations.

"You mean you had one of those odd monologues and I had to suffer it",

"Thank you Darling"

Basically we started off talking about the weather and ended up with a mutant combination of biblical character, enigmatic and slightly malevolent children's fairy tale anti hero and associated rodents. 

It went like this ... actually I had better forewarn the sensitive to look away now ...

...... Basically were we off to to watch TP play Rugby and I was dithering about whether to wear a hat or not. "Take one and put it in your pocket" advised 30% "You've got millions". "I've got millions of pockets ?" I replied. "That must mean I've got a coat like Joseph".

That was the first mental leap from one set of rails to another. Hold tight it gets worse.  I then managed to mangle this so that the son of Jacob was wandering around in the ancient Middle East in a coat with a million different coloured pockets. It then slid further in to chaos  ....

...... At this point the Pied Piper of Hamlin entered; stage left with his entourage of vermin. I'm not sure how I made this leap but it might have been a peculiar wardrobe based decision. To cut a long story short Joseph, well know star of West End Musicals and part time biblical figure is now wandering around with a horde of trained rats each of which is trained to sit in its own particular pocket.

30%'s long suffering response; "aren't rats colour blind?"

Must be a phase of the moon

For the past week, or so, whenever I have sat down and started to do something one or other of the bloody cats has started yowling or scratching at the to be let in or out. How is it that the little gits are so persistent and that their vocal demand is perfectly pitched to hit my central nervous system like lemon juice in a cut....

..... I am jerked, puppet like from my endeavour to act as door man for the little sods. This is where it gets ridiculous. Most of the time they don't seem to want anything particular. They just fancy a mooch round the closed off room and then want to come back and try another door or see whether they can kip on the keyboard, basically anything that interrupts me from my mission.

I am starting to think that they are in competition to see how many doors they can actually get me to open in a set amount of time. My suspicions were alerted this morning when Eddy wanted to view the cellar. There is absolutely nothing down there to entice a cat. It is a typical cellar; cool and slightly damp and marked by a complete absence of rodents. Whilst the remainder of the house features warm, soft beds and cat food Eddy wants to go and check on the St Emilion. He's messing with my head.

Well they need to be careful as Potato was sat by the meat slicer last night and I noticed that he would comfortably fit on the mechanism that slides the meat past the blade. It was at this point that a synapse sparked and a new Deli product was on the drawing board.....

..... Parma Cat. It would be a 100% certified number one seller, Cat shaped, wafer thin slices of air cured cat. How chic would that look on a plate? I hope the furry cads read this and realise that the one with the monkey brain and opposable thumb is getting ideas above his station.

It finally arrived ......

Butcher to his wife "I had to let go of Jim today. I found him with his cock in the bacon slicer".

Wife in response "Oh, that's revolting, what about the bacon slicer?"

Butcher "I fired her too"

It is certainly not the best joke in the world but it has a certain relevance today .....

.... first things first, the relevance is tenuous. I have not been dismissed from Dante's for inappropriate relations with company equipment. Anyone who actually reads this stuff will be aware that one of my hobbies is the curing of bacon, plus a singular foray in to air dried ham which will not be ready to sample for another month at least.

To date I have hand hand sliced the cured flitches which is fine and I can make a reasonable job of it. However a Bacon Slicer would allow a decent job right up to the end of the flitch when hand slicing results in a certain nervousness about one's fingers.

Several months ago I mentioned that I was curing bacon to Pat. Pat is an elderly divorcee who lives in the centre of the village. She is quite a character with two Jack Russell Terrers and a penchant for gin. She is a delight; straight talking, independent and a mean cook. Her cottage is right where I cross the High Street when I take T&M round the three miler and we regularly bump in to each other as she is always "coming and going".

"Oh" she said "You must talk to my son; Richard. He is a Butchery equipment supplier, based in Scotland". A few days later she called at the door and thrust a card in to my had. "Call him" she said "He'll sort you out with a slicer".  After having looked on e-Bay I had a vague idea of what I was after but was reluctant to bid on a Slicer without a better understanding. I called Pat's son and he was an absolute star. He talked me through the ins and outs and advised that bacon is one of the most challenging products to slice due to its texture and the expectation of quite thin rashers.

Top end kit runs in to the Thousands but he advised that he would be able to sort me out with a trade in unit for a couple of hundred provided that I would accept a bit of "tailing". This is where the end of the rasher tends to stretch and the final few millimetres of cut is somewhat ragged. As a hobbyist this was not a major issue so a deal was struck and he said that he would drop a slicer down the next time he visited his Mum......

...... and that was the last I heard from him for a good few months until the middle of this week when Pat slid a note through the letterbox. Richard had moved house and had lost my phone number but had not forgotten about me. He was visiting this weekend and I simply needed to call him if I was still interested.

The call was made and I now have a beast of a slicer sat on the island in the kitchen. It may seem an extravagance, perhaps it is, but we home prepare a lot of food that needs slicing from hams for sandwiches to the much mentioned bacon. We did try a domestic slicer that was loaned by a frolleague of 30% but it's performance was inadequate and it's cleaning a nightmare.

I now appear to have another power tool and this one is in competition with the chainsaw for the title of tool most likely to remove Bad man's body parts.

I love my chainsaw

I guess that like a lot of men I quite like power tools. The fact that The Pile is a bit of an ongoing project means that they are a necessity and get used on a fairly regular basis, all of them except one; my chainsaw.

She is supreme amongst the drills and saws, the routers and sanders, the planers and strippers. Why? Why because she is a Power tool with a Capital "P". I don't get to use her often but that little two stoke engine is outrageous. the noise, the smell and the sheer brutality as she chews her way through wood.

That is one of things about her. She demands absolute respect and absolute concentration. She is scary, dangerous and needs 100% concentration. She is both absorbing and enthralling.

Last week at the  Burns Night Supper I was seated at the same table as Village Idiot. At some point in the evening VI asked if I wanted a couple of pallets for the fire. I was short of kindling and accepted the offer. VI and I have a very casual relationship and there was a common and therefore unspoken understanding that the transfer of the pallets would happen at some point and that it required no further arrangements.

It was therefore no surprise when I found them dumped on the drive one afternoon this week when I returned from walking T&M. They were a couple of beauties; lots of nice thin planks that make great kindling and plenty of chunky corner pieces that burn easily and would soon form a good bed of hot ashes to kick out some heat and allow hardwood logs to take light.

This afternoon I finished work while it was still light and took the opportunity to break out the chainsaw and convert the couple of pallets in to firewood; literally. It was absorbing and a great change from my normal day. The kindling bin has been replenished and the chunkier pieces are smouldering as I type. There is nothing like coming home to a real fire and its even better when the fuel is "gratis" - Cheers VI.

I dont rate Sky +

I have been meaning to jot this down for a while but have never got round to it before today.

Is it just me or is Sky + bloody pointless. Don't get me wrong I enjoy the range of channels made available by satellite television but I am yet to see the real advantage of adding a hard disk to the box that allows you to record/rewind the channel you are watching plus record a programme on one other channel.

Lets go with pausing/rewinding live TV first. The way this is done is that Sky + has a buffer function that holds a maximum of 30 minutes of the selected channel. This allows you to rewind and replay an event just watched or pause an programme while real life intrudes. This is seen to be great for Sports fans and probably watchers of the pornographic channels too as they can watch that climactic moment time and time again or pause while they nip off for beer and snack* .  The thing is, while doing this the actual programme continues and one is left with two options; hit the square button and jump to real timing, missing what happened while your created your personal replay, or carry on watching in delay mode which has a tendency to screw up the viewing of later programmes .....

..... let me explain. If I am watching a football match, which is highly unlikely, and decide to rewind to watch a goal or go and answer the phone I have caused the programme to over run. This may be a few moments but could be several minutes. This can mean that I that I miss the start of the next programme because I am watching the end of this one.

Even more frustrating is pausing a programme while someone else in the household takes a phone call. You then end up sat in front of a frozen screen while a family member or friend rattles on in an inane fashion. They don't have to worry about missing Eastenders because it is paused and are oblivious to the irritation that rapidly manifests when you are listening to half a conversation whilst watching what has become a poor quality urban still life. In the good old days they would have a hurried conversation and then get back to the telly. Now the gits know they have half an hour to talk bollocks without missing a moment of the "drama". The net result of this increasingly frequent scenario is that the pain that is life in Walford is drawn out to even greater lengths and I get to miss the start of the documentary I had been looking forward to.

Let us now move on to the second "advantage" of Sky +. You can record up to two channels of TV simultaneously. To be fair here I can accept the use of begin able to record TV but a Sky + box can hold about 180 hours of the stuff.

What does anybody want with 180 hours of recorded TV? The standard Sky package has an enormous range of channels and I like to browse the programme guide and select a programme to watch. I am not interested in creating my own personalised TV channel. I like to select from what is offered. If one goes down the road of using the hard disk to just store and watch personal selections little or no time may be left for the gems that worm our way in to our viewing consciousness because there is "bugger all on".

Creating your own TV channel is like going in to a restaurant and just always asking them to cook your favourite dish. I like a good pate' as much as the next man but the smoked duck I selected at a restaurant a few weeks back was fantastic and I would never have thought to ask for it if it wasn't on the menu. Do you see what I am saying here? Sky + has a tendency to  limits your choices and can inhibit opportunities to find new televisual delights.

Moving on, I appreciate that there are certain benefits to watching pre-recorded TV, It gives you the ability to fast forward through, rather than endure, the ever increasing quantity of commercials that punctuate the media. This allows you to avoid the opera singing prat and the irritating meerkat vermin that invade every programme**.

I can't believe I snapped one of the little sods. San Diego 2006

 Mind you, there  is a down side to this. You then reduce an hour of TV to about 45 minutes and have to watch the last 15 minutes of something else which is basically a preview of what Alzheimers is going to be  like......

...... what has happened? Who is that man? Why are they trying to stick a tag on that shark?

To cut to the chase, TV is a great form of entertainment but it is just that, a form of entertainment. Enjoy it but don't get so wrapped up in it that you need to see every damned minute of the stuff. You don't need to watch every episode of Eastenders to keep up with the plot. To be honest it, and other soaps, are pretty predicable and it doesn't take a lot of effort to work out what you have missed and what is likely to happen next.

If you haven't got the time to watch a programme just let it go. Realistically there are so many channels and so little new material that it will be repeated within a couple of weeks and on Dave every other day within a month or so.

I like TV but I don't like the way the supporting technology is trying to make it something that it is not. It doesn't matter if you miss it. There are far better things you could be doing than watching a lot of the dumbed down nonsense that is broadcast.

I have to admit that I go with Lord Reith's approach of television to inform, educate and entertain. I have yet to see quite how cash in the attic or hole in the wall fit in to those categories.

Do yourself a favour and be selective but open to new opportunities. if it is crap tun it off or turn it over. Don't endure it.

Rant over

---------------

* or tissues and lube.
** I do have a plan for these two. It involves plunging the rodent in to liquid nitrogen and then bending the singer over - need I say more...... ?

Oops

A few days back 30% accosted me and asked if I had completed a chore that had some how appeared on my "to do" list. I thought for a moment before mendaciously responding with a "yes". "Seriously" she responded "have you really done that?".

Knowing that I was never going to get away with it I confessed but followed up with a pretty reasonable piece of bullshit to cover my tracks.....

.... I advised that I had recently been experimenting with time travel and 30% had just had a chance encounter with a "me" that had "fluxed" from the future where the chore had been completed as promised. That "me" had subsequently "fluxed" back and she was now talking to the current "me" that hadn't quite got around to the aforementioned job yet ....... but would do so shortly.

"I'll flux you" was her pithy response as I wandered off to complete the task. Apparently I can be somewhat infuriating at times. I cant see why?