The Week in Brief ... Again

It appears that the need to spend a day away in Europe seems to totally screw up my ability to maintain The Journal. My last entry was a week ago and I would go with a variant of the Catholic Confessional " Forgive me Father but it is seven days since my last Journal entry" but I am most definitely not Catholic and The Journal is definitely more record than confession.

So here I go with a round up of the last week. The main theme seems to be travel and transport problems but other shit happens too.

Sunday
I woke with that nasty scratchy feeling at the back of the throat that presages a cold. Great, that is just what I need this week.

The morning was filled with the usual trip to the Rugby Club so that TP could train. We took T&M and 30% and I walked the dogs while TP did his stuff on the practice pitch. We congratulated ourself on avoiding the rain which held off until the drive home and transport problem number one raised it's head. A couple of miles from home in the middle of a downpour the Defender's windscreen wipers gave up the ghost with a noise that would make even the most mechanically insensitive wince.  It is due for a Service and an MOT and now the wipers need fixing too. Bugger!

The wiper failure messed up my afternoon's plans as I had intended to drive round to Bad Man senior's house and take a redundant Freezer over to the local Tip. The frequent storms meant that this was not going to be possible so I spent the afternoon caulking cracks and filling holes on the Landing and the evening saw me packing a case for the trip to Zurich.

Monday
My flight out to Zurich was at lunchtime so I did very little in the way of work before driving over to The Nearest Circle of Hell where I met up with one of the Account Executives who had kindly offered to drive down to Heathrow. He is is a good few years younger than me and is probably best described as a Belfast Boy done Good. He has done very well for himself and the drive down was my first inside experience of a Porsche 911. As a rider of motorcycles I was prepared for the brutal acceleration and high speed but I must admit that my age has tempered the aggression in my driving whilst his is most definitely still there. I think it is fair to say that if we had had bionic hearing "look at that wanker in that Porsche" would have been a frequently repeated phrase from those we passed.

The main activity on Monday seemed to be drinking lager as we started in the Departure Lounge at Heathrow and continued through until a little after midnight in Zurich. After the trip to Luxembourg where I had seen nothing to suggest that I had left the UK I had intentionally planned my Swiss itinerary so I had the chance to see a little of Zurich and actually get a sense of Switzerland...

... after checking in to the Hotel which was just over the road from the Zurich football stadium we took a tram ride down to the Old City by the lake shore and spent a few hours taking in the fine architecture, imbibing several more lagers and tucking in to a beautiful but very expensive Thai meal.

 The trip home involved a compulsory visit to an Irish Bar where I switched to G&Ts before we poured ourselves in to another tram back to the hotel for a nightcap or two before retiring to bed.

Tuesday
I woke on Tuesday feeling much less shabby than expected and after a shower I climbed in to my suit and took the lift down to breakfast. The lift paused on the second floor and the Exec climbed in on his way outside for the first cigarette of the day. He looked absolutely dreadful and made me feel much much better. I was going to describe him as looking like death warmed up but road kill better described his appearance.

The day with the Swiss team was long but productive. They were a reasonably good natured bunch and they seem to be focused on getting their local contract signed and starting to deliver the necessary services. I picked up a few actions but nothing that couldn't be cleared over the next few days.

Surprise, surprise we finished the working day in the Zurich departure lounge with a lager before boarding our flight back to Heathrow....

... and that should be it. I should now be typing "after a short flight back to the UK I was chauffeured up the M40 in the 911 and was home by half past nine". How fucking wrong was I? The fuck wit baggage handlers at Heathrow couldn't get the luggage off the plane and we spent the best part of two hours waiting for our cases at Carousel 2. The end result was that it was gone ten thirty before I finally walked through the door at home.

Wednesday
I met up with Golfy at our Nearest Circle of Hell on Wednesday and we started the day being shouted at by Germans. I have to say that they were most unfriendly and I took some persuading to change my tack from taking an armoured Division across the Rhine to sort things out once and for all.

The Senior Account Exec took a slightly different approach and basically said "Oy Sausage Munchers. You can moan all you like but you are already on the hook to deliver this stuff and if you don't sign the local agreement you still have to deliver but you just cant bill for it. Lets see if her threats sort this out.

The rest of the day was filled with meetings, chat and failed attempts to clear the e-mail that had accumulated since Monday Morning.

Thursday
Thursday started with a trip over to Bromsgrove to drop the Defender over at MP Trading for repairs, servicing and MOT testing. Mark is up to his ears in work and it will be early next week before I can collect her and I am expecting a rather large bill.

The rest of the day was spent catching up on stuff and swearing at the utter, utter bastards who attempt to drag me in to stuff that is nothing to do with me or ask me for responses on matters that are quite clearly not in my area of responsibility. I bent poor Tigger's ear quite few times with my ranting.

The working day finally finished and I took a walk around the Three Miler enjoying the heat wave that currently has the UK basking in Mediterranean temperatures.

Friday
Friday was very much a case of "more of the same" and after finally completing the week's objectives I reached the mental nirvana that is "Fuck them all" and booked a couple of days off next week with the very real expectation that they will implode without me. I appreciate that this will not happen but after the arse wiping that I have had to do this week one wonders how some of them will find the coffee machines without me!

The evening saw 30%'s brother and his girlfriend visit for dinner and a very pleasant evening was spent catching up on their news and seeing how much lager/red wine I could drink without falling asleep*.

Saturday
Saturday started WAY TOO EARLY with 30% throwing two kittens at me while I still slept. These were followed in very quick succession by two standard poodles that leaped on to the bed to join in the fun. Just to make sure I was fully awake, 30% then started to chastise T&M for being too enthusiastic at full volume.

I was now most definitely awake and threw on some clothes and wandered downstairs in the vain hope that coffee would drive away the fatigue.

The morning saw me take the Ducati over to Moto-vation in Cheltenham for some some scheduled maintenance and 30% kindly followed me over to provide the necessary transport home.

The rest of the day has been spent in the garden mowing lawns and starting the Autumn tidy up. This looks like it could well run through to the Spring as there is a long list of jobs that need to be completed.

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* a litre of the former and two glasses of the latter thank you very much

New Arrivals

Saturday started gently with a few cups of coffee and a wander down the road for a haircut. I suppose I had better look reasonable tidy for the meetings with the Swiss on Tuesday.

Once shorn I climbed in to the car and set out to pick up the kittens. Normally I would have taken the Defender but 30% offered the use of her Seat and I accepted. I am truly glad that I did as the kittens proceeded to have the most horrendous smelling dump in the cat carrier as soon as I started the car and I spent the return journey with the window open....

... as I said, I'm glad it is her car that smells of cat shit rather than mine.

The arrival of the kittens has gone really well and whilst T&M are quite excited by them they have behaved really well. The cats seem quite unfazed to have two great big dogs towering over them, sniffing their nether regions. We now need to decide on names for them and Tog and Noggin seem to be the current favourites but who knows what will actually stick. We'll see what happens over the next few days but I have the feeling that at least one of these choices will morph in to something more appropriate as their characters become apparent.

I should point out that my suggestions that they should be named in tribute to the Dam Busters fell on stony ground. It is probably best that you don't ask.

Having got the cats settled in, I popped over to see the Mad Bat & Dickie on the pretence of borrowing Dickie's sack truck. After spending the best part of an hour catching up on their news I finally left with the aforementioned trolley and spent the afternoon clearing the lawn of paving slabs and stone left over from Hank's patio job.

30% and I have now decided that the remaining slabs would form a great shed base in a corner of the garden under one of the Yew trees. Absolutely nothing grows there and it would be a useful place to tuck away the "porn mower" and garden tools so it looks like Hank might be back sooner than he thought.

Once the lawn was cleared it got mown and the garden now looks a lot more civilised as prior to this afternoon's tidy up it only needed a rusting Metro on bricks to complete the Council Estate gritty urban chic look.

The evening saw a Pasta Supper disappear and after the afternoon's exertions bed beckoned early.

 As the day closes I think that, in the future, I will look back and remember this day as the one when we decided to buy a shed.

Road Closed

The Pile is located on a main road which is currently closed as Severn Trent are replacing the water mains.

Despite two signs in the middle of the highway clearly stating that the road is closed it is amazing how many people ignore them and drive past only to be forced to turn around in front of the house and head back in search of a diversion* ...

... out here in the sticks we take our entertainment where we can find it.

This evening VI turned up with his long suffering spouse and a lamb carcass. 30%'s wallet is now £100 lighter and the freezer is filled with  over 40lb of local lamb.

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* to be fair to the motorists Severn Trent could have done a better job of signing the diversion** in view of the fact that it is an A road
** apparently the diversion signs disappeared, allegedly removed by locals who didn't like the increased traffic on the back lane

Bike News

After a couple of left messages I got a call from Tim Hyett this morning. Tim is the owner of Moto-vation, an independent Ducati Dealer in Cheltenham, and as Autumn is now here it is time to book the Vespa in for a a bit of tidying up.

She is in great condition and has reached the stage where she is starting to appreciate in value. The consequence of this is that I now need to keep an eye on her and ensure that she remains a thing of beauty.

She will be going in at the beginning of October to have the engine removed and re-painted where there is some slight alloy corrosion causing paint bubbling. She will also have the exhaust pipes polished, a carbon hugger fitted and the rear shock absorber will also get some attention as the adjuster has seized.

The great thing about having the work done now is that there are unlikely to be any glorious evenings that I will miss while she is sat in Tim's workshop.

All I need to do now is encourage 30% to go to Cheltenham for a bit of shopping and that is my lift home sorted.

Wandering slightly off topic I also spent a fun hour and a half waiting at the local Doctor's surgery this morning. I have a recurrence of Trigger Finger in my left index finger and needed to get a referral to a Consultant. The actual consultation took less than five minutes and the Locum looked a little bemused when I turned up sat down and told him a) what was wrong with me and b) what I wanted him to do. I think he might be more used to people who take a  more passive approach to their healthcare needs.

There seems to be some strange link between getting the Ducati  sorted and having my hands fixed as it was June last year when she was restored to full health after 5 years off the road and then in the following August I was out of action for a good few weeks as the National Health service made a balls up of a Trigger Finger release for my right index finger*.

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* To this day the finger is numb down one side as the amateurs have managed to damage the nerve that serves the most sensitive finger on my dominant hand.

I almost forgot ...

... Village Idiot turned up on the doorstep this evening with three of the most enormous, verging on pornographic, carrots*. He didn't have time to pop in for a coffee but he did advise that he had taken some lambs in to the abattoir and would we like one.

I enthusiastically took him up on his offer and we now need to clear some space in the freezer.

All we need now are some spuds and onions and we have the makings of a fine Irish Stew

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* His son grows exhibition veg and these were some spares that didn't quite make the grade for a recent show.

Picture Post. No. 9

Tuesday was a case of "more of the same"; more document reviews and the same questions, sometimes asked by people who had asked them a number of times before!.

I am getting desperately frustrated by my apparent role as the font of all knowledge as it seems to be a case of "ask bad man" rather than "read the manual". I need to disengage to encourage them to use their heads rather than mine.

Rather than rant I have decided to go with a Picture Post and today's subject is Bryce Canyon in Utah. It was our first stop after leaving Las Vegas en route to Yellowstone. Bryce is renowned for it's Hoodoos. These are stone towers and are formed as a result of rain and snow melt erosion. Each tower is capped by a harder rock and it it this that protects the softer lower rocks as erosive forces wear away the surrounding matrix. It is an amazing place and the views across the Canyon with it's thousand of towering Hoodoos are incredible. One of the early settlers described it as "one hell of a place to loose a cow" and that neatly sums up the confusing local geography.

A trip to Switzerland .... AND BACK!

There is a black joke here at The Pile that revolves around my reluctance to visit Switzerland ...

... It goes along the lines of 30% asking if I'd like to go to Switzerland and me steadfastly refusing because no mention is ever made of any return journey*. She always says "Would you like to go to Switzerland?". In view of their infamy as the Euthanasia Centre of Europe I would much rather hear "Would you like to go to Switzerland and come back still breathing and most definitely not in a casket?"

Well, guess where I'm going next week? Yes' I'm off to see an Alp or two and I have checked, rechecked and once more checked my travel arrangements to ensure that a) there is a return flight and b) my accommodation is a hotel rather than a "clinic".  I'm also hoping to get to see some of the city this time as my trip to Luxembourg trip comprised a stay in a  hotel and a trip to a business park and there was nothing to indicate a National flavour. I could have been in Slough!

The rest of the day was the usual mixture of calls and e-mail which seem to revolve around me repeating myself and the rest of my team until the message sinks in. It seems that any message needs to be repeated at least three times and at least two other people need to concur before our Transition team finally get it.

I also schlepped in to the nearest Circle of Hell for a 4 hour meeting only to find that the host only wanted to see me for 20 minutes and much of what he wanted to discuss had already been covered in my written response to his bloody document. A phone call would have been sufficient.

Away from work I was to be found lying on the kitchen work surfaces cursing and swearing as I replaced bulbs in the cabinet lighting. What genius decided to make fiddly little 12 volt halogen bulbs with tiny pin connectors and then advise that you should not touch the bulb surface as the oil from your skin shortens their life? I was a happy little soul after spending a good while with torches, pliers and tissue paper to get the sodding things inserted in to the tiny light fittings.

On reading this I suppose I shouldn't really let little stuff like this irritate me ... Chill bad man, Chill!

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* Google The Dignitas Organisation to get a better understanding of my reluctance

Sunday in brief

Sunday came and went; The dogs got walked whilst TP attended a Rugby Training session and the afternoon saw a major clean out of one of the chicken coops that has a red mite infestation. The dogs had their faces clipped and Monday now looms like a grey cloud encroaching on a sunset.

No Surprises Here

As arranged, 30%, TP and I set out for the nether reaches of Droitwich this morning to "see" two Ginger Kittens. As I jot this down I wonder how many people actually go to see kittens and say "no, sorry mate, their not quite what I was looking for". I am guessing very few ...

... it does not, therefore, take a rocket scientist to work out that we went, we saw and we instantly fell for two tiny and very cute little killers. We passed whatever adoption criteria had been established, paid a deposit and will be popping over next weekend to pick them up.

For anyone who can't wait, I did manage to get one half decent snap of one of them as they careered around the room.

Hold still you little sod.

The other one is equally adorable and we now have the naming discussions to fill our evenings for a week or so.  This then becomes doubly complicated as virtually everyone in The Journal has an alias so I may also need to think up two nick-names for them pretty quickly.

The afternoon saw an abbreviated walk with T&M as the sky threatened rain and the house is messy enough without two soggy dogs to add to the chaos. We then popped over to see Bad Man Senior and took cake to ensure we were allowed through the front door. We spent a pleasant couple of hours catching up with each other's news and then liberated a few beetroot and leeks from the garden. The former will be made in to chutney and the latter will go well with Sunday Dinner.

The day closed with me sat on the sofa alongside 30%, who threw random cat names at me. This had the fortunate effect of distracting me from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves as it is a very, very bad film that is made truly magic by Mr Rickman's performance as the Sheriff of Nottingham. I knew my heart wasn't in it when the film referred to Nottingham as a city and I baulked, knowing that it didn't obtain city status until late in the 1800's*.

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* Apparently it was awarded City Status as part of Queen Victoria's Diamond Jubilee celebrations in 1897.

I'm glad thats over

The working day has finished and I am very tired. It has been a surprisingly hard week. The hours have not been excessive but it has been intensive with a plethora of conference calls and multiple reviews of a document completed.

I did have a "head in hands" moment today when I was told that I needed to respond urgently to a request for some help desk  services to be moved from one of the cheaper locations in Europe to one of the most expensive.  The request dissipated like clouds in a sunny sky when I pointed out that the client had already been given a rate per call for each country and there was no way in Hell they would accept the resulting 50% price increase.

I'd like to say that I was happy when five o'clock arrived but, to be honest, it was verging towards relief. 30% was equally fatigued and serious consideration was given to a takeaway but neither of us could summon the energy to drive to The Chinese. We instead compromised with a short walk around the playing field with T&M, throwing a tennis ball to burn of a bit of excess energy*, and a home cooked Chinese Chicken Curry.

The paving job is storming ahead and curbs have been laid in swooping curves, ballast and sand screeds have been laid and the first paviers have been positioned. It is really taking shape and is a vast improvement over the grim path it replaces.

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* Theirs not ours!

The true European

Thursday continued in the same vein as Wednesday with further reviews of documentation and calls with my European colleagues. On that subject; what is it with the French? I appreciate that I have had some differences with the Luxembourgers but at least they are relatively polite and professional. The French team are a completely different kettle of fish. They are abrupt and whiny, bordering on rude and there were a couple of occasions where I was tempted to tell them to bugger off and set fire to some sheep on a motorway*...

... to be fair it was only one member of the team that was a pain in the arse but one bad apple...

Away from work Hank had a short day on the patio project due to a cock up with the ballast delivery and achieved little more than offloading kerb stones and laying of a weed prevention membrane.

It also appears that 30% has arranged to go and see two ginger kittens at the weekend. I'm guessing that it is more than going to "see" them in view of the new litter tray and bag of litter that is sat in the boot of her car.

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* For anyone outside of Europe this is the typical Frenchman's response to any political issue; a motorway blockade followed by ritual burning of the offensive object. If any of them read this they'll be printing it out and torching it in the middle of the M5 before you can say "Bob est votre l'oncle"

A dull day in the office.

Wednesday was spent at my nearest Circle of Hell in a series of meetings with Senior Members of the Account Team. They are a likeable bunch but it was a pretty tedious day.  I finally crawled away a little before six with a raft of documents to review and some "urgent" slides to prepare!

At home there had been some serious excavation work in preparation for the block paving. Our original ideas have been somewhat revised due to the location of a tree and changing levels but the cleared area gives an idea of the final shape and it is going to be so much better than the strip of 1950's concrete slabs which were very utilitarian and simply provided a way of walking around the house without getting your feet muddy.

An unexpected visitor

Tuesday started in an unexceptional fashion. I was sat in front of my laptop responding to the usual drivel when T & M went absolutely mental, barking at the door out to the garden.

Now T & M going mental is nothing unusual and they always bark at unexpected sounds. The thing is that they tend to practice directional barking rather than random shouting. In other words if they are going crazy you just need follow their eye line to see what the problem is. Now the garden is not a prime location for an alarm call and this had me wondering what the hell was going on.

I wandered over to the door and saw a strange man bent over by the old potting shed. I was about to challenge him when he straightened up and I could see that it was Hank....

... Hank is the chap who gave us an absolutely outstanding quote for some block paving work along with a rather vague start date. Well apparently today is the day that the patio refurbishment starts and he has certainly made an impact. Most of the old slabs are lifted and stacked, the potting shed is no more and all of 30%'s potted plants are haphazardly scattered across the lawn. It is a bit embarrassing really as we had planned to do the site clearance for him but his unexpected arrival meant that he had to shift a multitude of garden decor before he could even start. Ooops!

He disappeared shortly after lunch having made short work of most of the demolition and apparently the digger arrives tomorrow and a cash advance was requested.

The rest of the day has been uneventful and I type this while TP attends the first evening practice of the 2011/12 rugby season. One thing that is worth mentioning was the outstanding rainbow that appeared while I was walking T & M.


It's an iPhone picture so don't expect SLR quality but it was truly beautiful forming a full arc across the ridge of Lords Hill.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hedgerow Supper

Whilst walking T&M on Saturday I noticed a Puffball Mushroom growing in the verge. These fungal fruiting bodies can grow to the size of a football or even larger and when ripe release literally trillions of spores when knocked or blown - hence the name; Puffball....

.... They also allegedly make good eating.

I mentioned my discovery to 30% and she was as interested as I to give it a go so I returned and picked it and it became the inspiration for Monday's supper.

I can take no credit for the recipe, it is one of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's but the ingredients seemed to go with the hedgerow origins of the prime ingredient and it is basically a tarted up version of bacon, eggs and mushrooms.

Puffball - this one is about the size of a large grapefruit

Bacon or pancetta is fried in a pan and chopped garlic is added. As soon as the garlic starts to brown the bacon is removed and put to one side. The puffball is peeled and cut in to slices about 1cm thick. These are dipped in beaten egg and are then coated in seasoned breadcrumbs. The puffball slices are then fried in the bacon fat.

The puffball slices are then placed on a plate and are topped with the garlicky bacon and a fried egg.

I like mushrooms but am not a connoisseur but I can advise that these tasted wonderful. The mushroom flavour was present with a fragrant, slightly perfumed overtone that added a further dimension. I was concerned that the garlic and bacon would overpower the puffball flavour but need not have worried. The recipe was spot on and this made a lovely Autumnal supper.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crimes. No. 9 in an occasional series

The late afternoon walk started so well; we wandered across the paddock at the foot of St Peter's, climbed the style, passed through the kissing gate and then crossed the footbridge by the badger's set. As we wandered through the wood at the edge of the Village Marauder decided to investigate the stream and returned coated in black, stinking, stagnant mud ...

... a bath is going to be a  must before she enters the house this evening.

The week in brief

This week I seem to have been somewhat remiss in jotting down my activities in The Journal so here, for anyone remotely interested, is a quick summary of the week.

Tuesday:
On the work front Tuesday was unexceptional. During the day an old friend called to say that he might be in the area in the evening and suggested we meet up. I haven't seen "Paparazzi Pete" for the best part of 12 years and we recently re-established contact via Linkedin. Unfortunately the Gods did not smile on us and the Channel 5 photo shoot was delayed until late in the evening which meant that his work prevented an evening of beer and raucous reminiscence.

Wednesday:
I trundled in to the nearest Circle of Hell for a catch up with Tigger and a handover meeting with the chap who will take over the commercial management of the deal we have just signed. I was finished by lunchtime and then drove down to Heathrow to catch a flight out to Luxembourg. I spent the evening with the Project Executive and managed to stay sober this time.


Thursday:
Thursday was an all day session with the Luxembourg Team and it went very well considering that neither of the teams trust each other. An interesting point was that the Luxembourg Directeur looked very much like an "old school" European Vampyre and I made a mental note to wear garlic on my next visit. In fact the meeting went so well that the Project Exec is considering a similar session in Switzerland and would like me to tag along to that one too.

Overall I am somewhat dismayed that I didn't get to see anything particularly Luxembourgish while I was over there. The hotel was at the edge of the modern concrete and glass Banking Sector and the Company Office was in a Business Park. For all I know BA might have just flown around for an hour and then landed me near Basingstoke. If the locals hadn't insisted on speaking French all the time I could have been anywhere.

One thing that did prove I was in Luxembourg was the taxi fare back to the airport. It was €80. Eighty fucking Euros! The whole country is no bigger than the table I am sat at! It cannot be physically possible to rack up a taxi fare that high without going through passport control. This goes some way to explain the half million dollars of travel costs the thieving gits put in to their cost case a few months back.

An evening flight had me back at Heathrow by half past seven and I was back at The Pile by ten.

Friday:
Friday was spent chatting to Tigger and catching up on stuff that had accumulated over the past couple of days. Tigger and I got a mention in the weekly dispatch issued by one of the most senior Daemons in the UK following the signing of the UK Contract on Monday. I'd like to say that this came as a complete surprise and we were bathing in this unexpected glory but the truth is that I drafted the note and submitted it for publication working on the principal that if you want good publicity write it yourself.

Away from work I had a fortuitous meeting with the local Plumber when I was walking T&M. He is a lovely chap but a complete nightmare to get hold of. I need his services as I have a radiator that needs to be disconnected so that I can replace the skirting board behind it. To my complete and utter amazement he advised that he would pop round on Saturday afternoon and remove the rad. I wandered away pondering on my current gullibility rating.

Saturday:
It was an early start as we needed to pop in to Worcester to get TP a new school blazer. We needed to be home by midday as the plumber had given us a rather vague appointment time. True to form the appointment slot came and went with no tradesman appearing at the door. At a little after three in the afternoon I was about to walk the dogs when he finally turned up. Twenty minutes later the job was completed and he was away.

As he disappeared down the road a mixture of thoughts passed through my head. These condensed as the following; a) I now have to do some DIY, b) 2 hours late is actually early considering the normal punctuality of the plumber and c) what are the chances of him returning to reconnect the rad before the end of Winter?

I then popped out to walk T&M and returned to find that Village Idiot had called and had left nine fertile eggs for me to put in the incubator. Apparently his wife has another cake to make for a local poultry breeder and the aforementioned breeder had provided the eggs ...

... these will be gently warmed for 21 days and "shop eggs" will go in the cake.

Sunday:
No surprises here, I spent a good part of the morning and early afternoon fitting skirting boards on the landing. The radiator brackets were repositioned so the rad won't foul the skirting board and I now wonder how long it will take to get Reliable Roger through the door to connect it all back up again.

The incubator was brought up to temperature and the eggs were set. I now have 21 days of egg turning and all being well will have chicks at the beginning of October. I stress "all being well" as the last attempt was a complete failure.

So that brings me up to date and I suppose I had better start my day job now ...

... well perhaps coffee and toast first.

One down ...

... thirteen to go.

Today's good news is that the first of the European Local Country Agreements was signed off today. This means that the Transition and Delivery Guys can start doing their job in earnest and it means that Tigger and I can officially hand this project over as there is now a contractual entity to hand it over to.

I appreciate that there are still a raft of Agreements to be signed but the first is enough to allow work to start and it is the official "beginning of the end" for this project as far as Pooh and Tigger are concerned.

This is great timing as there is news of another huge nelifunt out on the plains and our recent triumph has meant that Tigger and me will have no time to sit by the fire eating hunny sandwiches, toasting our toes and reminiscing. We must gird out loins and go out and get that one too.

To be honest we barely have enough work to fill our days and after ten long months on this hunt I am now well and truly ready for something different. I have enjoyed it enormously but our time is finished and we must now get our colleagues to step up and take it forward.

My recent holiday has helped to break the ties and all being well we should be hunting something different in a couple of weeks.

Lazy Sunday afternoon

30%                                TP and I are about to watch that film that I recorded last night. Are you coming to join us ?

Bad Man                        Is that the one with Ricky Gervais in it?

30%                                Yes.

Bad Man                        Isn’t it a bit sexually explicit for TP to watch?

30%                                What?

Bad Man                        Well, its got a c**t in nearly every scene.

Thought for the Day ...

... I'm guessing that it was at this time of year that they invented gravity.

With a hop and a skip ...

While we were in The States Chippy Ian did a fantastic job of ripping out some vile uPVC double glazing and replacing it with some more appropriate Sash and Casement windows. The ripping out and re-fitting was done really well and he made an absolutely fantastic job of hiding my trailer under a pile of packaging and redundant double glazing units ...

... as a result I now have a skip on the drive and spent a good portion of today filling it with the aforementioned debris.

We also had a bit of a clear up in the garden taking out a few Ash and Silver Birch saplings and a Conifer that had managed to work its way in to 30%'s bad books. TP's "den" was also dismantled and the potting shed was emptied as it will be demolished as part of the upcoming block paved patio project ....

... as a result I now have a FULL skip on the drive and a desire to do nothing more than snore on the sofa.

Its a little bit "Country" ...

Friday evening saw 30% and I put on our glad rags and drive over to the NEC in Birmingham to see Dolly Parton...

... I'm guessing that most of you have disappeared now so I'll just write for myself. We had the most amazing evening. I'm not a particular fan of Country & Western but I am prepared to experience most things provided they are done well and the show she put on was absolutely fantastic.

Her voice was amazing and many  of the numbers she sang were either a capella or with a single instrument such as a Dulcimer. There were, of course, the back catalogue classics such as Jolene and 9 to 5 that had the full support of the band too. I hadn't realised how versatile she was as demonstrated by the range of instruments played including banjo, guitar, piano, penny whistle, harmonica and the aforementioned dulcimer.

Of course, it wouldn't be Dolly Parton if they didn't have most surfaces covered with Rhinestones and they did, as did her costumes*. Her material ranged from Country and Bluegrass through to pop and rock and she did a medley including interesting Bluegrass versions of Help and Stairway to Heaven.

As I said earlier in this entry, I am prepared to experience most things provided they are done well and Dolly absolutely charmed the audience. Her narratives were engaging and witty and her performances were faultless. There was none of the mediocrity that pervades stage and screen under the guise of new talent and has me heading for the door or reaching for the remote control.

I can quite honestly say that I have never seen a show like this one and there were parts of it that were most unusual but she has, without doubt, the X Factor and the best word I can use to describe the experience was mesmeric.

This post would not be complete without mention of the audience which, I think it is fair to say, is one of the most peculiar I have ever sat amongst.

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* Quote of the evening; " I buy 'em two sizes too small ... and then I have 'em taken in ! "

Luxembourg, Schmuxemburg

What a fun time I have had today.

At one of yesterday's meetings Tigger and I were instructed that one of us had to have a case packed and to be in Luxembourg next Thursday morning. "Oooh!" I hear you say "A European Trip, how lovely" ...

... Well yes it would be if it weren't for the God-awful Corporate Travel Booking Tool and the 4 levels of approval required to leave the country. You may have guessed that I have pulled the short straw and will be travelling to the smallest country in Europe*.  I haven't a clue of what I am required to do there other than attend a meeting. Obviously I understand the general background but it would be nice if someone would consider spending 10 minutes briefing me on the purpose of the meeting....

... That is not likely to happen so I have spent an hour or so this morning making travel plans and initiating the approval process.

I'm quite interested to visit The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg but am not  overly keen on meeting my colleagues over there. They were far from cooperative on the recent project. In fact they were bloody obstructive on occasions. I can recall one point where they were actually inserting costs for services that weren't in-scope and the round of Executive Escalations when they refused to remove them.

As a result, it is fair to say, this was not an environment where long lasting friendships were established and I am not looking forward to the false bonhomie I will have to project to a bunch of fucking crooks that would have screwed me over given half a chance.

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* I think you will find that Monaco is a Principality.

Have you seen this man?

I climbed off my branch in The 100 Acre Wood this morning and drove in to The Village to meet up with Tigger and other members of the team for some exiting meetings.

I wandered in to the Office a little before nine o'clock and imagine my horror when I noticed that Tigger has been kidnapped and replaced with a doppelgänger.  I quickly covered up my concerned look and put on my Poker Face. I then spent the rest of the day carefully acting as though nothing was out of the ordinary. I need to point out that it is a cunning deceit and the Double looked and acted exactly like Tigger. It is only my acute attention to detail that made me notice a minor difference in his coiffure that drew my attention to this devious abduction.

I wonder about the Kidnapper's nefarious aims as no ransom demand has yet been found.

Now that I am safely away from work I can now report the matter to the Authorities and do my best as a concerned citizen to assist in locating Tigger. I have therefore developed an "e-fit" picture of the suspect. If you see this man do not approach but report his presence at once to the nearest police officer.

WARNING
Do not approach this man - he may be dangerous

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Other Stuff: Does anyone know the escape velocity that needs to be achieved in order to draw my attention away from an unnaturally blond head?

Fair Game?

Not a lot to report for this Bank Holiday Monday. The morning was spent producing a vast batch of faggots* and these are now residing in the freezer.

On the home front a chap called round and gave us a truly outstanding quotation for some block paving that will resolve a couple of problem areas in the garden. We literally accepted the quote on the spot and he should be turning up with his gang in the next couple of weeks.

The afternoon saw a walk with T&M and this is where the title of this entry has a modicum of relevance. As we wandered round the Three Miler I noticed that the young pheasants had just been released from the rearing pens and were wandering up the road with less savvy than a teenager in a strip club ...

... unfortunately Tyson was quicker than me and charged up the road after them. They are now much more streetwise and Tyson was definitely put through her paces. They all escaped relatively unscathed.

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* For anyone in the US, please don't take offence, these are a traditional UK "meatball" made from pork, onions, breadcrumbs, suet and liver. I have not taken to hurling insults about sexual preference in The Journal ...

... yet

A soupcon of news

The jet-lag from the US trip has been pretty rough this time and I am only now getting anywhere near the UK time zone. 30% is affected similarly but as for TP, who knows! He is 14 and it is difficult to tell whether he is suffering the malaise of the International Jet Setter or is just being a teenager.

Today saw a little kitchen activity and I spent the morning preparing a batch of Pea and Ham soup for the freezer. Once that was simmering nicely T&M were walked and I was back home in time for lunch.

The afternoon saw a trip over to Hampton to visit 30%'s brother and his partner in their new house and we spent a happy hour or so chatting, drinking coffee and looking at the carnage that follows any house move. 30% did her best to offload surplus furniture from The Pile but didn't manage to pique their interest. I think she should have tried harder and her failure is full justification for a bonfire.

First Blood

Nothing special was planned for Saturday, TP was away with his Mum to visit his Grandma in Surrey for a few days and 30% and I had a fairly leisurely day laid out before us. The aim was to get T&M walked and then bathed and then we would pop over to Solihull for some shopping leaving the dogs at home drying off.

So, having waved TP off, I started with the walk. We hadn't gone very far and had just entered a small patch of woodland at the edge of the village, T&M charged off in to the undergrowth and I heard a squeal. I assumed they had disturbed a rat and wandered on calling them to follow.  Marauder failed to appear which is unusual for her so I clambered through the brush to investigate. I found Marauder stood over the body of a rabbit with a sort of "what do I do now?" look on her face.

On closer examination the rabbit showed early signs of Myxomatosis which might explain how M managed to catch it. I was going to say that this is the first item of prey that Marauder has ever caught but that would be ignoring a few stray chickens that she has come across up by the Free Range Egg Farm. I have always managed to liberate these intact bar a few feathers and a ruffled disposition. This, however, is Marauder's first wild kill*.

The rest of the day went pretty much according to plan and the evening saw 30% and I sat on the sofa with a Thai Green Curry and two sweet smelling dogs.

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* Mice** don't count
** If the plural of mouse is mice, is the plural of rats; rice?

We're Back

Its Thursday and we are all settled back in at The Pile. The Jet Lag has been a little troublesome and TP and I were up and about at half past four in the morning on Wednesday. I seem to be over the worst of it but still cannot make it much past the first few minutes of the Ten o'clock News without falling asleep.

We picked up T&M from the kennels on the way back from Heathrow and that was a splendid reunion. We had a fantastic time in The States but we all really missed the dogs. I suppose it goes to show how much they are part of all of our lives. They seem to have had a great time at the kennels and have returned none the worse apart from the fact that they are very dirty and smell of horse shit! It seems that they have been exercised in a Manege and took great delight in rolling in the delicious smells that they found!

Tigger has done a most excellent job whilst I was away and I returned to a very manageable in-box. That has now been cleared and work is reasonably quiet as we wait for Local Country Agreements to be signed on the  current project and for the next project to kick off.

I took my first walk around the Three Miler this evening and note that the Blackberries are ripening. Marauder and I paused to eat a few as we wandered around. Tyson isn't particularly fussed about them but Marauder will pick them from the brambles herself. While we were away many of the fields were harvested in the long spell of dry weather and T&M now have acres of stubble to charge across.

I now have some 700 or more photos to trawl through to see which ones are worth inserting on to The Journal.

Journey Stats

US Miles Driven:  2,438
US States Visited:  7  (Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Idaho, Arizona, Wyoming & Montana)

Day 14: Quote of the day

This Wal-Mart is crap. The last one sold guns and shit!


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Day 13: 24 Hours in Vegas

It's my third stay in this town and it still isn't growing on me.

I'm not a fan. Its cheap, it's tacky and every facet is designed to separate you from your cash whilst ensuring that you receive little if anything in return.

Everyone seems to do the same tired, zombie like trudge from shop to shop, hotel to hotel and casino to casino. They slurp lurid iced cocktails and clutch either burgers or wailing brats with the other hand.

There are those that sit chained to the one armed bandits pressing buttons. Gone is the reward of coins falling in the tray, both winnings and stake are added to or taken from a credit type card. They sit like patients in a dialysis unit rather than Gamers in a casino.

The Hens and Stags are all having a great time but it's not for me.




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Day 12: Nephi, UT to Las Vegas, NV

Another 300 mile drive so it's numb bum again.

We arrived in the Sin City around three in the afternoon and checked in to New York New York.


A wander up the strip is the most significant achievement especially in 104 degrees of heat.


It is made of jelly beans

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Day 11: Canyon, Yellowstone to Nephi, Utah

450 miles in one hit stopping only for fuel and coffee. I now have a numb bum.

We are on the long run back to Las Vegas. The total distance is over 750 miles but we have broken the back of it today. We have a little over 300 miles to do tomorrow.

The journey took us out of Yellowstone's West exit and along route 20 in to Idaho before taking the I 15 South past Salt Lake City.

The drive was a fairly easy run through farm land with mountain ranges an ever present backdrop. The only painful part was hitting Salt Lake City during rush hour and having bumper to bumper, stop/start traffic for an hour or more.

Nephi is a pleasant enough little town but the restaurant was dry! Thank Heavens we had a bottle of wine in the ice box. I needed a glass after today's drive.


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Day 10: Mammoth to Canyon

We took a quick wander around the Travertine terraces at Mammoth before we left this morning. They were impressive but I have a memory from nearly 20 years ago of climbing the terraces at Pamucale in Turkey and in my memories the Turks have it on size and gleaming whiteness. Of course I know how time distorts and have promised myself that I will unearth the old photos to compare.

After leaving Mammoth we took a brief detour in to the Lamar Valley as we had been advised that there was plenty of wildlife there. They were not wrong, within a few miles we had passed two herds of Bison each numbering at least 100 animals.

After a spot of Bison watching we returned to our route which took us over Mount Washburn. Near the summit we stopped for a break and 30% got chatting to a fellow visitor. She returned and excitedly informed is that there were reports of a Grizzly Bear a few miles down the road.

The "Bear Jam" came into view and we managed to find a parking place. For the next hour we watched as a solitary Grizzly wandered across the hillside 100 yards away rooting amongst the herbs. When it eventually disappeared from view we climbed back in to the car and were soon checking in to our cabin in Canyon.



This is not the Grizzly

After a leisurely afternoon we took a drive out to view the canyon and Falls before spending a fruitless hour watching a bison carcass in the hope of seeing scavenging wolves. None came but we had a great natter with two brothers-in-law touring the park.

Tomorrow we leave the park for the long drive back to Las Vegas.


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Day 9: Old Faithful to Mammoth

If I see another fucking geyser or hot spring I swear I will go Postal.

Don't get me wrong, the geysers are impressive and the vivid colours of the hot springs are beautiful and alluring but you can definitely have too much of a good thing.




Day 3 of geyser spotting was definitely too much for me and I now see them simply as pools that smell like a neglected lavatory. Some of the ones I saw today were reasonably impressive and the chromatic pool was truly memorable but many of them looked and smelt like boiling puddles of Elk piss with twigs in them.

I think I am now at the point where I would say do the Old Faithful walks, visit the Chromatic Pool and the bubbling mud at Fountain Paint Pots and leave it that. To be cynically honest a boiling kettle or a deep hot bath after a week long vegan diet are a fair match for the rest of them.

We are now at Mammoth in the North of the park which is famous for it's travertine terraces. In my present humour these may be too close to geysers for my liking.




After days of scouting for wildlife Mammoth is a complete surprise as we are at much higher altitudes and there are Elk all over the place. They are literally wandering about in front of the hotel.

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Day 8: Bison Jam

This morning we were breakfasted and out of our cabin by half past eight. We spent the morning taking a leisurely three or four mile hike around the geysers that surround Old Faithful. Our early start meant that we were always well ahead of the crowds and it was only as we approached Hamilton's Store at lunchtime that we saw larger groups of people.

The walk was punctuated at short intervals with geysers and thermal pools and the highlights included seeing The Castle spout which it only does a couple of times each day. The thermal pools are quite mesmerising as the water is crystal clear and the colours and forms of the mineral and algal deposits are truly beautiful.

After lunch we wandered back past Old Faithful and stopped to chat with a couple from Florida. Actually we stopped to stroke their large black Golden Doodle and thought we had better talk to them too out of politeness as it has been a week now with no canine company and we do miss T & M.

We got to talking about the park wildlife and they advised us to drive the 90 mile South Yellowstone loop as there was a 200 head herd of bison on the meadows between Canyon and Fishing Bridge.

So that was our afternoon sorted. The drive was a gentle 45 mph run through forest, open meadows and rolling hills. Yellowstone's volcanic history was never far away and from time to time a geyser or steaming vent came in to view.

Within a few miles we found our first wildlife as a group of four Elk cows sunned themselves by the roadside. Further on we were halted by our first "Elk Jam" as we crawled a mile or more to where a bull Elk was grazing by the roadside. The photos were a more than adequate reward for the wait to see such a fine animal.

Further on 30% excitedly called us to a halt as she had spotted a solitary Bison Bull resting by the road. As we took photos a Biker slowed and shouted that there were 200 just down the road. He hadn't exaggerated. Once we reached the end of the traffic queue were were rewarded with a herd of Bison and they are truly magnificent beasts. We even saw a bull swim across the river directly alongside the car and then shake off the water and dust bathe less than 20 yards away.

The real treat was a mile or so further on where we pulled in to a wooded picnic area where a dozen or more bison were resting in the shade. There were cows with light tan coloured calves and also a fine snorting and grunting bull who was escorting a cow that was obviously about to come in to season.

We arrived back at OF a little after seven and relaxed before dinner at The Old Faithful Lodge.
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Quote of the day: Ye Gods TP it smells like privy at Midsummer.

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Day 7: Grand Tetons to Yellowstone

Today we took our leave of Jackson Hole and headed on to Yellowstone National Park. Our chosen route was up through the Teton Park and we took the slower, narrow road from the Park entrance towards Teton Village. The road runs alongside the Snake River and we were rewarded with a close encounter with a cow moose. TP grabbed a couple of photos before the traffic build up forced us to move on.

The drive up to Yellowstone was an easy 70 miles of gently curving roads through forest interspersed with sunny meadows. We are staying in a cabin* a stones throw from the Old Faithful Geyser and arrived in the early afternoon. This gave us enough time to see Old Faithful do it's stuff a couple of times and take a walk around Geyser Hill before supper up at the Lodge. After dinner we sat out on the veranda and watched the sun set behind Old Faithful. A great end to the day.




Mineral Spring near Old Faithful, Yellowstone
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* think "shed with a bed"

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Day 6 continued

The planned early start didn't happen and instead we started with a leisurely, al fresco breakfast before taking a drive through the park.

We eventually arrived in Teton Village;a ski resort at the foot of Rendezvous Mountain. We took the lift to the 10,000 foot summit and enjoyed a brief stroll before settling at the mountain top cafe to enjoy the views in the company of a beer.

Back down in Teton Village we took another lift up to a restaurant where 30% partook of a champagne cocktail and we shared a couple of appetisers. Again the views were truly spectacular and the great food and drink added a touch of luxury to the splendour of the vista ....

.... However there was an "even better than that" moment as we saw our first Moose relaxing in the shade as we rode the lift to the top.

Tomorrow we set out for Yellowstone which is some 70 miles North.

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Day 6: Beer & Cocktails on a Mountain

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Day 5: Grand Tetons National Park

Today we took a short drive out of Jackson Hole and had our first day in the Grand Tetons National Park. It is quite a small park by US standards being only 25 miles by about 45,

The views are dominated by the Teton range that still bear snow in the middle of August.


We parked up by Jenny Lake and took the shuttle boat to the far shore where we took a short but strenuous walk up Cascade Canyon to the Hidden Falls and Inspiration Point.

In the afternoon I settled down with my book on the shore of String Lake. TP and 30% swam in this glacial lake and by their squeals it lived up to this description.

This evening saw us in prime seats for America's oldest sport ...

... Yes, we went to the Jackson Rodeo and had a great couple of hours watching all the Rodeo staples including Bull Riding, Barrel Racing and Calf Roping.

Tomorrow we plan to have an early start in an attempt to spot some of the larger wildlife before they lie up to avoid the heat of the day.

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Day 4: Vernal Ut to Jackson Wy

Today was always going to be a long, long drive. The Mapquest website indicates that it is 285 miles and estimates the journey time at just under 6 hours.

We therefore planned to leave Vernal early and keep on going until we arrived in Jackson which is just outside the Grand Tetons National Park in Wyoming.

Before leaving we made the traditional holiday visit to Walmart. I have to be honest here and admit that this is visit #2. Visit #1was yesterday and I now have three pairs of jeans to have taken up when I get home! Today's visit was to pick up a replacement SLR and I walked out with a new Canon EOS 550D.

The journey was fine. The views were fantastic and we arrived in Jackson around three o'clock. I did score top marks in the game of roadkill i-spy when I spotted a dead coyote en route. It certainly beats the flabbits back home.

Jackson is a pleasant little town, a little touristy perhaps but fine all the same. I carried on my shopping spree here and now have a new hat to replace the Stetson that received Marauder's attention a few months ago.

TP and 30% were also bitten by the shopping bug and I see a handbag purchase coming up. I'm not so sure that a stuffed bison head is going to make it back home though.


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Day 3: A slight change of plan

The original plan for today was to travel up to Dinosaur, Co but things didn't pan out quite as we expected, however let's recount things in chronological order.

We Breakfasted in Moab, Ut before returning to Arches National Park to continue yesterday's sightseeing. It is a truly beautiful and breathtaking place and we spent the morning driving through the park stopping frequently to walk out to the many viewpoints. In true US National Parks Service style most major sights are easily reached via well built paths only a short walk from the frequent roadside car parks. This is a boon as, although we enjoy a good walk, 30% is still recovering from her broken foot.


I amused myself giving new names to the rock formations and congratulated myself on "the proud sheep", "the dragon" and "the chameleon" but then things got out of hand and a ranger asked me to leave after a particularly prominent column was christened "mademoiselle's pleasurer"*.

After lunch we took our leave of Arches and started out for Dinosaur some 200 miles away. The I 70 soon took us out of Utah's canyons and desert and before long we were on route 139 taking in Colorado's farm lands, mountains and valleys.

We had planned to stay in Dinosaur and take a brief detour through the Dinosaur National Monument. The Dinosaur Quarry is closed until October 2011 when the new Visitor Centre will open so we knew that the main feature was "out of order". It was therefore a fairly easy decision to push on to Vernal when we found that both Dinosaur and Jensen had no accommodation available. Dinosaur incidentally is a rats arse of a place where the most attractive feature was a yard full of scrap cars. Talk about trading on a name, avoid it all costs!

So here we are in Vernal and tomorrow will see us drive nearly 250 miles to Jackson Wy; the entrance to the Grand Tetons National Park.
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* this may not be true

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Day 2: Bryce Canyon to Arches National Park

Today saw us head out on route 12 from Bryce Canyon National Park. Our first stop was only a few miles down the road where we took a brief detour to the Kodachrome Basin State Park before heading on to Escalante to take in the sights of the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument*.

This was one of the last areas of the USA to be mapped due to the remote and rugged terrain and the road we drove between Escalante and Boulder was not completed until the 1940s. Prior to this mail was brought in by mules. The views across the plateau are truly breathtaking.

Today has been a day away from the Interstate routes driving through some of the most beautiful canyon country. Our final destination of Arches National Park truly topped everything we have seen so far. The eroded red sandstone structures are truly awe inspiring to one more used to Britain's more conservative geography and geology.


Courthouse Towers


3,500 tons of Balanced Rock


North & South Windows

This evening we are staying in Moab which is positively cosmopolitan after yesterday's stop in Tropic where we were informed that the resident horse had left in search of adventure.
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* one of the wildlife highlights of the day was Humming Birds at Escalante. They were charming but I have decreed that my holiday will not be complete until I see a Mountain Lion and a Bear in death duel over the corpse of a Buffalo.

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Day 1: Las Vegas to Bryce Canyon

We arrived in Vegas last night at about 8pm local time and were shattered as our body clocks were saying 4 in the morning.

The reserved Pontiac G6 was not available from Avis and we were given a Subaru Impreza instead. TP and I expected a WRX. How wrong were we. It was about the size of a VW Golf and had a tiny boot. We used it to get to our hotel and then swapped it for a Nissan Maxima first thing this morning. "First thing" really was first thing as the aforementioned jet lag had us wide awake at a little after three a.m.

So We were heading North out of Vegas on the I15 before eight in the morning. We are headed for Bryce Canyon and will cover somewhere in the region of 220 miles to get there. Bryce is a US National Park best known for it's hoodoos. These are rock columns formed as a result of rain and snow melt erosion.



We had a great day taking in the splendour of America's Open vistas and took a short hike down into the canyon to get a different perspective on these fantastic structures.





It has been a great fist day only slightly marred by the fact that my Canon SLR has had a hissy fit and refuses to do anything but display an error 99 code. I am not best impressed that I am now hauling a very expensive/worthless bag of camera kit around !

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Heathrow

A Sunny Day at Heathrow T5 - Not!

Here's a thought; why do they have luggage shops at airports? I cannot think of very many situations that would necessitate the purchase of a new suitcase at an airport. I'll acknowledge that a last minute Samsonite malfunction might require a replacement to be bought at check-in but I doubt that this is the basis for a successful business model.

If anyone has any suggestions please let me know as I have never seen anyone in an airport car park with arms full of clothing that they plan to pack in the Departure Lounge.

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Other Stuff
Chippy Ian arrived this morning to start fitting our new windows. The first one was offered in to place before we left for the airport and it looks fantastic compared to the nasty double glazed units that are being replaced. By the time we get home he will have finished and that is the last major job that the house needs. As 30% glibly puts it "it's just decorating from here on in" ...

... "yes Dear"




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I'll be back...

... and so we reach Sunday.

The lawn has been mown, the bags have been packed, T&M have been taken to the kennels. 30%'s brother Stevie has been briefed and will take on house sitting duties for the next two weeks.

We are now ready to leave apart from those last minute items that need to be used on the day of departure. I must admit that I have a rather blasé approach to packing. I work on the principal that I need a credit card, my tickets, passport and insulin. So long as I have that I can work through most problems. It is therefore surprising that 30% always asks me to pack the cases. Apparently I am better at tucking objects in to cases than her ...

... mind you, having seen the state of the Dishwasher when she attempt to fill it, I shudder at the thought of what her case would look like!

I'm not sure whether there will be any Journal entries over the next couple of weeks. I have my i-Phone so they are a possibility but I make no promises.

So to anyone who reads this nonsense I will say "bye for now and I'll see you in a couple of weeks".

Cheerio

bad man

Don't ask me

So here we are. It is Friday and my last day at work for a couple of weeks.

The day started with the regular early morning chat with Tigger where much laughing took place and some work was apparently done. Tigger is running the show for the next couple of weeks and will start with a deserved trip to Boston where he will spend 5 days doing 45 minutes work :-)

Most of my day was spent tying up loose ends and ensuring key activities would be progressed. I did have an Executive escalation call that I was not looking forward to. I was presenting someone else's material and was concerned that I would get interrogated to a level deeper than my understanding. Fortunately the Gods smiled upon me and basically my working day ended there.

I took T&M out for an early walk as today is Bad Man Senior's 79th Birthday. We met up with BM Snr, Step Mum Sue and Brother for Dinner at a local hostelry. It was a lovely evening but was most definitely not a late one and we were back home well before the News at 10.

Another early start

Today was another five thirty start. This time I was down in London at Canary Wharf for a Customer meeting. I didn’t have to present and didn’t get any questions so had quite a pleasant couple of hours before we trundled in to the Central London Circle of Hell for another meeting with the Client.

This was less pink and fluffy and a lot more down in to the nitty gritty. It went very well but it rapidly became apparent that our American Colleagues, on both sides, have been a little economical with the truth and a little slapdash with the facts when we originally developed our Proposal…

… I see some challenging conversations will be held over the next few months but first we need them to sign our UK Contract - appropriate Executive pressure was applied.

I then had time for a couple of gins with a colleague before sampling the delights of the British Public Transport system**. With the 2012 Olympics only 12 months away I have this message for London Commuters and Olympic Ticket holders…

… YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKED*!

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* My Consumer advise would be to flog the tickets on e-Bay and use the proceeds to buy a “Fuck Off” big flat screen telly and watch them from the comfort of your own home

** Take the train, you can work, you can stretch your legs, there are refreshments.  So how come my experience mainly seems to be having my head repeatedly banged by a wide range of elbows and suitcases and being presented with a table flap that is not big enough to hold my laptop so that the screen is readable. Let's also not forget the oh, so smooth ride that means that every single word is mistyped as I am jolted from side to side.  Do not, I repeat DO NOT get me started on the toilets either. In summary the train is fine so long as you are not hungry, have emptied your bladder first and just want to sleep until you reach your destination. In fact the train is great if this is your plan as you invariably find you get to sleep for longer than planned due to convenient points failures or, in my case, a dead train blocking the platform at Oxford

I really needed another couple of hours ...

... for some strange reason I was very tired when the alarm went off at seven o’clock this morning. I think it was probably all down to dealing with the pressure of yesterday’s session and the trials we had to endure to actually reach the venue. I am sure this must be right as Tigger felt exactly the same.

The morning session was a quiet affair and we closed everything down at lunchtime. I then had a quick meeting with my Boss before we climbed back in the Land Rover and head back to the Sunny Shires.

It was nice to have a relatively relaxed day after the hassle of running this damned hand-over session. The actual presentation side of things was straightforward it is the buggering about arranging things that was a Grade A pain in the arse.

Other Stuff

30% has had a hectic couple of days as she has been running the house, looking after TP and had to prepare a Presentation in under 12 hours for an internal interview that was held this morning. She felt it went well so we wait with fingers crossed for news.

They say bad things happen in threes

Well Tigger and me really put that to the test this morning. Let me explain ….

… Today is the first day of our hand-over session. We have spent the past couple of weeks herding cats in an attempt to get this damned thing arranged and we must run the meeting so that the Delivery Guys understand what they are supposed to be doing.  The session was scheduled to start at ten o’clock in a Hampshire town that has nothing famous to brag about. *

I dutifully hauled my sorry arse out of bed at five thirty**, performed ablutions and got in the Defender to drive over to Tigger’s house. The plan was to drive down in Tigger’s car. I arrived at the hollowed out volcano to find Tigger outside shouting “Fuck” repeatedly at his car. On enquiring as to the nature of the problem he said “Fuck” some more and then advised that his immobilizer was working rather too well. This was obviously Bad Thing #1 and we rapidly decided that the Defender would be the car of choice to travel down to sunny Hampshire – problem solved.

As I loaded Tigger’s bag in to the capacious rear I had a moment of self doubt. This rapidly turned in to another “Oh Fuck” moment as a quick check revealed that, in the early morning rush, I had managed to leave my wallet thirty miles away on top of the microwave. I said “Fuck” a few more times and considered going back to get it but that would totally screw our start time. This was obviously Bad Thing #2. Tigger did the honourable thing and offered to fund my trip on his corporate card and I could sort refunds out when we got home – problem solved.

So off we started towards our destination and had a quite delightful trip across the Cotswolds. After a while we hit the M4 and then the M3 and I noticed a sign for our destination. I mentioned this to Tigger who was in the Navigator’s seat. He calmly said that we were fine on the Motorway and should not turn off. I followed his instructions as I was unfamiliar with the route but got very concerned when I recognised a roundabout and remonstrated that we were headed for an entirely different Circle of Hell to the one we were supposed to be at. This was obviously Bad Thing #3. Tigger then said “Fuck” some more and then put the correct location in to the Satellite Navigation app. We had gone about 20 miles out of our way but had plenty of time in reserve so wouldn’t be late – problem solved.

Now some people might think, that after that start, the day would have been a nightmare but we arrived in plenty of time, our Agenda was good and our presentations were well received. To be honest it couldn’t really have gone any better and by 4.30 were had finished the first day’s session and were headed back to the hotel.

Yes – this might be the start of Bad Thing #4. It was very hot, we were very tired and we had all managed to persuade the hotel receptionist that we were worthy of complimentary drinks vouchers. I did have to do the Shrek Cat Face as part of my plea but I did get a free pint of Stella. The more I think about this the less I remember but apparently we did have a very funny night and a great Thai meal and did stay up until two o’clock in the morning.

I did some subtle checking and there was no suggestion that I committed any crimes as I do have a tendency to get a little over excited when I’m drunk.

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* We Googled it and it really does have nothing of interest to see and nothing of interest has ever happened there. That probably makes it unique in the British Isles and I may mention that to the town council. They might like to use it in their next “Come to Best Soaking***” Town Promotional material.

** Please make a mental note of this early hour as it may help explain later events

*** This is an anagram

5 Days to go ...

... the Count Down has officially started. I have just five days left at work before we head off to America for our Summer Holiday. It is going to be a very busy week and I have a few significant meetings to get through before I can click "Enable" on my Out Of Office message.

I've made a start

Sometimes I have Polos in my pocket

Sometimes I have dog biscuits in my pocket

Sometimes I have both

Sometimes Polos undergo a packaging malfunction

Sometimes the dogs get minty gravy bones

Sometimes I get gravy flavoured mints

Sometimes worse things happen!

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DIY News

After an extended period of procrastination I finally made a start on the preparation work needed on the Stairs and Landing.  There was an abortive attempt to fit the final piece of skirting board last week but I quickly discovered that one of the radiators needs to be removed and repositioned to achieve this. As this will involve the local Plumber I have put this off until we get back from our holiday...

... so what did I do today? I stripped the paint from the Bannisters and am quite pleased with the result. I am aware that there is a huge amount of work to do before we are ready for the painters but at least I have now made a start.

Haircuts all round

I had an early start today to make an 8.15 appointment for a haircut. Fortunately the coiffeuse is only a 5 minute walk from home so at least there was no need to schlep in to town, park etc. By 9 o'clock I was back home; shorn and drinking coffee.

I had nothing major planned for the rest of the day when 30% came up with a stroke of genius...

... Yesterdays walk with T&M involved an encounter with a cat. They spotted it patrolling a hedgerow and charged off to investigate. The cat scarpered leaving the dogs frantically circling searching for it. I appreciate that this seems like an odd  diversion but I will get to the point. You see, once the dogs have got in to "chasing mode" that is it. Every rustle, every squeak is, in their minds, something that must be pursued and caught. So most of the walk was spent charging in and out of hedges and careering along the edges of fields in search of imaginary beasts. The end result was that they returned home with their coats filled to maximum capacity with grass seeds.

So faced with the effort of dragging grass seeds from 3" long poodle fur plus a weather forecast predicting very hot weather plus them facing two weeks in kennels 30% suggested that we give them an all over clip. I found the clippers, plugged them in and soon had two very skinny looking dogs.

I really fancy having a go at a sheep next. 

No, don't worry, I've got nothing else to do ...

Today it appeared that I got mistaken for MS Office Service Desk Support Specialist*.

First I may need to explain that I work with Professional IT Services Specialists. I therefore have a perfectly reasonable expectation that they can use Office software products to a proficient standard.  I'm not talking about them being Tools Gurus** or anything like that but they should be able to create a document or use a spreadsheet to manipulate data at the very least ...

... or that's what I thought. This morning I received a mail from our Contracts Guy. Let's call him Slippery Pete. Now over the past few weeks I have had a few e-mail exchanges with Slippery where he seems to want me to do his job. The communications go along the lines of "Badman, have you reviewed Section A of the Contract to ensure our Services are appropriately described?". I then have to trawl though Contracts so that I can point the aforementioned Legal Specialist at sub-sections and turn the question around to ask him if they meet his requirements.

In a less cynical moment I once assumed that he had a lot on his plate and was just to busy to deal with these enquiries but this moments is long gone. I now think that he is a lazy Inadequate, especially after today's e-mail. It went like this ...

"Bad man, is there any way you could convert your table in to MS Word document so I can then cut and paste it in to the Contract"

The table in question was a very simple, very small matrix created in MS Excel. I was somewhat flabbergasted by the request as it probably took longer to draft the email than it would have to highlight the cells in the spreadsheet, press Ctrl + c to copy them and then position the cursor at the required point in the Contract document and press Ctrl + v to paste them in as a table.

After a minor rant to Tigger about the lazy fuckwit I drafted a suitably informative reply. I'm guessing that the sarcasm was too subtle as he replied with "Thanks!!!".

Is it me?

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* Now there is a fabricated Job Title if ever there was one. I see quite a few in my line of work and one of my favourites is a chap across the Pond who describes himself as "Executive I/T Architect - Solution Integration Architect". That sounds like Lord High God, chief of all Wizards but he actually appears to be a "Gopher", as in go for this, go for that.
** mind you, if I drop the "Guru" I'm bang on in this case

Black Clouds?

A bit of an odd title considering that today was absolutely beautiful.

The title references a senior Daemon at Dante's who feels that his opinion and demands may have not been fully considered during the frantic two weeks when Tigger and I were working every hour god sent in order to catch us a nelifunt.

He has a bee in his bonnet about a Delivery issue and it appears that he is trying to use our Project to publicise his concerns. It therefore looks like I am going to be his whipping boy for a couple of hours next week while he has his little rant. I have encountered him before and he is one of those people that are always in transmit mode. It doesn't matter what I say or do, he is right and anything I say is going to be wrong.

I have therefore assembled some carefully worded slides and suggested appropriate Subject Matter Experts. I will read from my slides and direct any questions to the SMEs that he may, or may not, have invited. I'm going with the approach of "the less I say, the less he has to latch on to".

Don't get me wrong, his concern is valid and the issue is real but my project is a symptom not the cause and he needs to bark up a very different tree to put things right. My managers share this view so at least I know that I am not being hung out to dry here.

The call is scheduled for the afternoon of Friday 5th August and he has a flight to catch immediately afterwards. At worst this limits the amount of ranting I have to endure and at best he may be distracted by whether he has packed his passport or not.*

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* If any members of UK HM Revenue & Customers are reading this they should keep a close eye on wheezing Americans Execs leaving the country on Friday next. The chances are that their cases are filled with contraband. If you can't find any in the case you know where to look next lads ....