A Successful Campaign

It is hard to believe that it was only ten days ago that I drafted the Defender's specification in preparation to sell it …

… An on-line advertisement was placed on Preloved but, although getting plenty of views, it had only attracted a single enquiry so last weekend I bit the bullet and actually paid for an advertisement on AutoTrader. A couple of days had passed with no sign of interest so yesterday I placed further advertisements with a pair of Specialist Magazines devoted to Land Rovers in all of their shapes and forms. I had even gone as far a putting a For Sale sign in the rear window of the car.

So that was it, in the space of ten days I had established my advertising campaign and just needed to sit back and wait.

This morning I was talking to one of my colleagues when my mobile phone rang. At this point it probably needs to be stated that my personal mobile rarely ever rings and if it does it would either be 30% or TP calling. I put my work mate on hold and answered the mobile … it was a chap enquiring whether the Defender was still available. I told him I was stuck on a work call and promised to call him back in the next twenty minutes. I then did what any Salesman would do and unceremoniously dumped the call with my colleague as quickly as possible as there was no profit in it for me.

I called the prospective buyer back and talked him through the car's history and specification. I was well aware that my car was a good one but was also aware that I was asking top price for it so was delighted when the chap said he wanted to drive down from North Wales this very day to view it.

He eventually turned up at around four in the afternoon which coincided with a work call that I needed to host. I therefore handed him with a sheaf of paperwork and pointed him in the direction of an unlocked car* and left him to give it a good look over. Once my call had finished I joined him and talked him through the Defender's features and upgrades. All the way through this narrative my prospective buyer kept making very positive noises so we headed out for a test ride. If he had any concerns about the car they were put to rest when he saw how it performed compared to the Defender 110s he was more familiar with.

As we headed back in to the village he offered the price I was hoping to get and we shook hands without the need for haggling. A considerable quantity of cash was handed over and counted and half an hour later I watched as she was driven off down the road.

As I said a couple of days ago, I had a great deal of affection for the Defender and I must admit that I felt quite strange seeing her go after owning and upgrading her over the past six years. She was one of the best around and that was demonstrated by the fact that she was sold for a price in excess of what I paid for her in 2008.

I'll finish this Journal entry with two closing thoughts. Firstly; I am bloody glad I made the decision to haul the trampoline to chez Oranges & Lemons on Sunday and secondly; I now have a quantity of Land Rover spares to list on eBay.

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* I kept hold of the keys

Christ I'm Hungry!

I was up and out of the door by seven fifteen this morning. Twenty minutes later I was parked up at the Station and heading for the ticket machine. The reason for this early start was a nine o'clock dental appointment in the centre of Birmingham and there was no way I was going to drive in.

After a pleasant thirty minute ride in I arrived at New Street and wandered out of the Station in to the morning rush. Fortunately I had a better idea of where I was going this morning after my previous consultation and was soon sat in the waiting room feeling somewhat apprehensive.

Nine o'clock soon came around and I was directed to the chair where a very easy going chap, wearing a face mask and magnifying glasses, started to pump industrial quantities of anaesthetic in to my lower, right jaw. For some strange reason I felt far more relaxed that I normally do at the dentist and after about ten minutes I was sufficiently numb and the "procedure" commenced.

As mentioned, it was molar that needed to be removed in preparation for an implant and it needed several minutes of firm manipulation before it popped out of the socket at quite a rate. I was then required to sit while the initial clot formed before I was relieved of £120 and told to return in eight weeks for a progress check. All being well, the titanium insert will be placed in my jaw four weeks after that so it will be early Autumn before the implant is completed.

An hour later I wandered in to work and discovered that my laptop rebuild was well under way but would not be finished until mid afternoon. I was given a loan machine and headed up to the office where I did a reasonable imitation of work considering I had no access to the majority of my e-mail files  and did not really feel up to hosting two hours of back to back conference calls.

I must admit that the mornings procedure left me feeling somewhat dazed and a complete lack of food probably wasn't helping. I therefore rearranged the non-urgent calls and headed home as soon as my laptop was rebuilt.

It will come as no surprise to anyone who works with a Company Laptop that the rest of my afternoon featured a long call with the Corporate Help desk to rectify the omissions and failings of the rebuild process. I can now report that the damned thing appears to be working properly but I have little confidence in it doing the same tomorrow or the next day …

… I know it is going to fall over again. It is just a case of when!

Dinner was a bowl of soup, sipped slowly and carefully. As it hit my stomach I realised that up until seven o'clock I had survived on four cups of black coffee and a dunked, digestive biscuit. No wonder I was hungry.

Our evening finished with a visit from a frolleague who lives in the village. She came over to make some tweaks to our Broadband router which should prevent the issues we have been having when trying to run concurrent VPNs to the same server.

Work, you bastard, work!

Monday seemed to be evolving in to a quiet day until I realised that my bloody email application was refusing to connect to the server. A quick reboot* provided temporary resolution and a consequent flurry of emails. 

Fortunately I had logged details of my troublesome laptop with the Helpdesk on Friday and have arranged to have the damned thing rebuilt tomorrow. This is somewhat serendipitous  as I have a dental appointment in the morning so will get 30% to drop it in for me. All being well I should return from the dentist and collect a computer that effing works. 

The remainder of the working day was uneventful; time was found to walk T&M and TP returned from his last two A/S level exams  and reported all went well. 

By way of a small celebration we headed out to an Indian restaurant in Redditch for our evening meal. We hadn't been there for many years and had forgotten quite how good it was. 30% also reminded me that we had our first date there ... but then again she also says our first date was a chaperoned cinema trip to see Monsters inc.

I'm not sure whether she just can't make up her mind which event qualifies ... As for me, I'm probably just trying to blot it out. 

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* there is no such thing as a quick reboot on a Windows PC using a VPN to connect back to corporate server infrastructure 

Almost a Lazy Day

Sunday was, in so many ways, far brighter than yesterday. For starters I managed to sleep until shortly before seven. Then, when I did take a peek out of the window, I saw bright sunshine rather than yesterday morning's roiling black clouds and electrical storm.

At this point I should probably mention that TP had attended a party at a friend of a friend's house last night. This shindig took place a couple of hundred yards away from home and,  upon waking I was advised that, apparently he had not come home.  30% had had an awful night, concerned about a the multitude of highly improbable horrors that had befallen TP in a new build development on the other side of the road. I, on the other hand, had slept soundly and simply assumed that the stupid sod had gone out without his keys and had ended up on a sofa for the night.

I wandered down stairs and got myself on the outside of a double espresso. Within a few minutes there was a tap at the back door and I let a sheepish TP in. My assumption was correct regarding his keys and I left him to mooch about the house as I returned to my morning rituals.

The start to the day was gentle and, as ten o'clock approached, I removed the Bullet from the garage and headed over to Worcester to pick up the spare key for the Range Rover. I was out for about an hour and, upon my return, needed something to occupy me until lunchtime. That "something" was to head out and put some diesel in the Defender before getting the trailer hitched up …

… Some while back we had dismantled TP's trampoline and had promised it to the Oranges and Lemons clan.  Their two youngsters are the perfect age to argue, fight and injure themselves on it and so we had offered this device of unnatural selection and inducement of familial discord. They had carelessly accepted this offer and consequently the afternoon saw me head across the Vale of Evesham with a loaded trailer bouncing around behind me. 30% and TP followed in TP's recently insured Fiat.

We spent an hour or so with Ian O-L; drinking coffee, chatting and assembling the aforementioned Device of Discord before we headed back to The Pile. I quite fancied a kip on the sofa and developed a fiendish plan that would allow a snooze. I collected the loin of pork that I had been curing and washed it off before putting it to soak for an hour. I then had an hour to kill …

… and ended up going out for a short drive with 30% to familiarise her with the new car. Upon our return I took the bacon* from it's bath and left it to drain before I finally managed a short snooze. As  Sunday afternoon kips go, this was a half hearted 4/10 rather than a full blown, ninety minute, snore-fest that would qualify for a rating of 8 or 9 out of ten.

As the afternoon waned, I collected leads from their hooks and headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. The walk was pleasant despite the intermittent fine rain that dampened our coats…

… and that just about sums up Sunday apart from giving a brief mention to the two Tire Kickers who flagged me down in the vicinity of Alcester having seen the For Sale sign in the back of the Defender … "No, it does not have air conditioning" and "No, it is not expensive when compared to the trashed Farm Trucks and Off-roaded wrecks that are a few grand cheaper".

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*This has now been massaged with Black Treacle and will sit for another week before being hung and ultimately sliced.

Commander Data, Set Course & Engage!

After a busy week I was looking forward to getting up at a time of my own choosing this morning rather than being jolted from my slumbers by the alarm ...

… Unfortunately I am an early riser and the number of times I have lain in bed past eight, let alone nine, in the past twelve months can be numbered on the fingers of one hand. This morning I wanted it to be one of those rare occasions when 30% rises before me and gently nudges me awake with a cup of freshly brewed coffee. It wasn't to be. I woke shortly after four and tossed and turned for the best part of an hour until I gave up and wandered downstairs. I was tired but just couldn't sleep so drank coffee and read until the rest of the family crawled from their pits. To be fair I didn't have to wait too long for company, as shortly after six a magnificent thunderstorm could be heard a few miles away and this disturbed the dogs and consequently 30%.

The big event for today was to head in to Worcester to pick up the new car. TP and 30% were eventually ready to go and we climbed in to the SEAT for the last time. TP was dropped off at his Girlfriend's en route and a few minutes later we were sat in an office working our way through part exchange and registration documents. During the hand-over the Salesman advised that the car was very low on fuel and pointed us in the direction of the nearest garage …

… Eventually the administration was completed and we were finally handed the keys. It is fair to say that both 30% and myself had reached quite a state of excitement over the past few days as the car is quite magnificent and has a certain presence. We clambered aboard and took in the expanses of leather, the acres of glass and the array of controls. It is quite sumptuous in the cabin and 30% jokes that it is more comfortable than our living room.

After fiddling with the seating position I started her up, slid the gear change in to drive and pulled off the forecourt. Knowing that the Range Rover had a reputation for drinking diesel we were still startled to see the tank range immediately drop from eleven miles to four! In the logical parts of our brain we appreciated that this averaging algorithm needed to accrue driving data before it could give us a realistic estimate but the emotional response was definitely a plea to the nearest Deity.

After a couple of miles around Worcester's bypass we located the Garage and pulled up to a vacant pump. We had no idea of tank range or capacity and agreed that £50 should do for starters. I fuelled up and paid then rejoined 30% in the cabin. As I started the car I checked the file gauge and was astonished to see that the needle was still short of the half way mark. Ye Gods, the tank on this is truly enormous!

We then headed home enjoying the commanding views and comfort. It was reassuring to see the tank range read-out settle down and start to give sensible information. All being well, the 3 litre, straight six in the Range Rover should actually give a better fuel economy than the 2.5 litre, 5 cylinder Defender TD5 lump.

At home it was time for lunch and then I settled down with the hand book in an attempt to make some sense of the arrant of controls and features available to me. I finally worked out that the strange device on the key fob was a remote control for a factory fitted, auxiliary heater that allow the car to be warmed up on a cold Winter's morning from the comfort of the house. I also discovered that the steering wheel was heated as well as front and rear seats…

… I don't name my cars, not even the Defender, for which I have a great deal of affection,  but if I did Enterprise could be a possible contender.

After the excitement of the latest acquisition, the rest of the day was quiet. T&M got walked and I had a failed attempt at a snooze on the sofa. I finally found an excuse to set course and engage the Range Rover later on in the evening when I needed to pick up TP and GF from school where they had been supporting a fundraising event.

Occupation related, physical relocation inducers

I headed in to work this morning…

… There are generally only two possible reasons for me heading in the The Depot. Reason number one is that I have expense claims to deal with and reason number two is that 30% wants to work at home*. There are other reasons such as my Boss is in the office today but this is a rare disturbance in the force and can generally be excluded from  my list of occupation related, physical relocation inducers.

Today both reasons drove me out of my lair and I was ensconced at my desk by nine o'clock. It was a matter of some relief to find my desk was vacant and I soon had myself set up and ready to face the working day. I do not intend to bore by going in to the details of work but will summarise by saying that I have been providing some support to my Boss on a huge opportunity that spans the globe. An element of this has been split out for contractual reasons and is being progressed as a stand-alone activity. My involvement is limited to tracking actions and progress, arranging for the pricing of elements and enhancing and analysing spreadsheets of Service Levels. All of this is time consuming but not overly onerous. However my support has been greatly appreciated and today we finally pulled the last strands together such that the Sales Team could finally submit their proposal to the customer.

I was therefore able to get home early in the evening** and T&M got walked around the Three Miler for the first time in several days.

There is little else to report apart from the fact that I remembered that I had guanciale curing in the cellar. This had the coating of cure mixture washed off. It was then soaked for about an hour before drying it, wrapping it in muslin and hanging it up from one of the meat hooks in the kitchen. It should be ready to dice and freeze in about a weeks time. I also have a small loin joint curing but this one could do with another day before it is taken out of the cure.

So that just about sums up my Friday. It has been along and busy week and I am really looking forward to the weekend.

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* and a) she is bloody noisy plus b) the home Broadband connection doesn't seem to handle dual VPNs very well. The net result of this is dropping from conference calls at inopportune moments and consequent shouting.
** However, before I left I removed the power cable from my secondary screen, the ball from my trackball mouse and the headset from my desk phone and locked them all in my desk. It appears that the Cuckoo has still not got the message and continues to use my desk. I really am quite close to the point of reconsidering scent marking my territory.

Picture Post

It was a long day and I have no intention of jotting down tales of conference calls and attempts to achieve ill defined objectives.

Amongst the calls I received the first expression of interest in The Defender  and a batch of photos were sent*, as requested. I also found time to order a dog guard for the Range Rover and 30% reported that she had made contact with the Salesman, sorted out the payment for the car and had confirmed that it had sailed through it's MOT test.

This is all well and good but it doesn't exactly provide me with enough material for today's Journal entry.  So it will come as no surprise that I have fallen on back on the usual page filler and gone with another Picture Post...

American Museum of Natural History, New York

This little chap and many of his friends formed part of a living exhibition in the American Museum of Natural History in New York. Considering it is taken through glass and needed flash to get the exposure I am quite pleased with the shot. I can also confirm that the original is more then adequate quality to be the screen saver on my Mac.

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* However no further communications have been received in response to these photographic masterpieces though!

Your going to put "what" in "where"!

It was another long day of piano shifting and it therefore didn't help that I needed to slip away from my desk for a couple of hours for an appointment with a Specialist at a local hospital. I had a couple of straightforward non-invasive tests and a quick chat with the consultant…

… Apparently there is something amiss but he needs a visible inspection before he can confirm his diagnosis. He outlined two conditions he suspects could be at the root of the problem and the use of a fiber optic camera should pin down which one is present. I will then end up facing minor surgery or medication dependent on his findings.

As it says in the title of this Journal entry …

Missing You Already ...

The expectation for today was that it would end with a new radiator hanging from the wall in the Hall and that the Defender would be significantly cleaner …

… Well, one of those objectives was achieved. The mobile Valeter turned up around ten o'clock and set to removing the Winter's grime and algal growths from the Defender. Taking breaks from work I kept him topped up with coffee and monitored progress. He has done a super job and he even had time to give 30%'s TT a quick wash and polish before heading off.*

In my lunch break I grabbed a camera and took a few photos. The main purpose is obviously to get her sold but I must admit that there is also an element of remembrance. There are very few, if any cars, I have ever owned that I have had strong feelings for but I have loved owning this uncomfortable, slow, diesel slurping load lugger. I am sure that I will miss her as she has played a key part in many memorable events including holidays and the refurbishment of The Pile.

Big on the outside

Snug on the inside …
it's the anti-Tardis

 

As mentioned earlier in this entry, Paul was not able to install the new radiator due to illness but he did drop it off with promise to turn up at some point over the weekend.

The remainder of the working day was a slog of calls and encouragement of ne'er do wells to progress actions they felt "were not theirs to own". All was going well, in fact I thought I was having a good day, until I noticed that my email application was throwing up an error message and decided to perform a remedial reboot. After a successful re-start I discovered over forty urgent mails that needed my attention … Fuck!

The consequence of this was that T&M did not get a walk for the second day running and I worked later than I would have hoped. Once I had finished with Piano Moving I could not escape from the computer and settled down to create an on-line advertisement for the Land Rover.

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* He may be back sooner than he thinks as the cynic in me doubts how well the Range Rover will be cleaned as part of the pre-hand-over preparations.

Head Down

Monday was very much a case of "head down and get on with it". There is not a huge amount to report; meetings were hosted, minutes were issued and projects were progressed. After a few lean weeks in late April and early May I  now have plenty to keep me out of trouble. I also managed to find time to book a mobile vehicle valeter to come and spruce up the Defender.

I finished at a reasonable hour and TP and I headed in to Worcester to perform a couple of checks on the new car and to get the necessary payment details. I then ended up in the hall filling cracks and gaps… Paul the Plumber is allegedly arriving tomorrow to refit the hall radiator and I would rather fill the gap between the skirtings and wall before his visit than after.

As the evening drew in I leafed through the Defender's paperwork and started to draft the specification in order to get it advertised…

… Does anyone want a late 2003 Defender 90 Hard Top, Belize Green, FSH, VGC, blah, blah, blah?

I didn't want a silver one

The principle objective for Sunday was to make SIGNIFICANT progress with filling the woodwork in the Hall. As soon as nine o'clock had passed I could be found attending to the nail holes and other imperfections with a filling knife and wood filler in hand. All was going well until a little before ten when the 'phone rang It was Village Idiot…

… A couple of weeks ago I had taken care of his sheep and poultry while he was sunning himself in the Isle of Wight and upon his return I had carelessly offered assistance should his sheep require dagging. The call was to remind me of this offer and to call in the favour.

Actually the job didn't sound too bad and, after picking up a few bags of layers pellets at the local Feed Store, I headed over to VI's cottage and hitched his petite stock trailer to the back of the Defender.* We then headed up the lane to a nearby paddock where two ewes were constrained in a pen constructed from hurdles and pallets. All I needed to do was wrestle each of these in to the trailer and then run them  over to the Egg Farm on the Three Miler where they would be sheared at some point in the next couple of days.

After returning the trailer to VI's drive, I headed back home and found I had just enough time for a rushed cup of coffee before I was required take TP in to work. Upon my return I finally found an hour to make SOME progress in the Hall.

At this point I should probably mention that 30% had spent a portion of yesterday evening on the internet and had found a potential car. To be honest it sounded too good to be true, being described as immaculate condition and very low mileage. A call had been made to the Dealer who had advised that it was sort of sold but no deposit had been left and that we were welcome to come and view it.***

Consequently a hasty lunch was taken and we headed over to the far side of Worcester. Initially there was no sign of the car but the Salesman pointed to a garage where it stood in the shadows, obscured by a chap valeting a Jaguar. Within minutes the car was driven out of the garage and we took a look.

It was magnificent. Clean alloys and body work on the outside and acres of piped cream leather in the interior. There was a moment of mild comedy when I was inspecting the rear seats and noticed something wedged between the upholstery and the trim. Initially I thought it was a piece of bubblegum but as I extracted it and inspected it I realised that I had just found a rather pricy in the ear hearing aid! … Now how in hell's name does one manage to loose a hearing aid?

An inspection of the limited paperwork followed and it was apparent that it had a full main dealer service history. We then took her out for a short test drive. After a run down some A roads and a few lanes it was apparent that the ride was superb and with a little adjustment to the seating position this was a car we could cross continents in.

A deal was struck and the Seat was accepted in part exchange. We will pick up the new car in a week's time. The only cloud in this sunny vista is that I now need to get the Defender cleaned up, advertised and sold. Mind you the bulk of the work on the house is now finished, so I no longer need a load lugger, and the dogs will easily fit in the back of a Range Rover Vogue.

Back at home the day continued. The lawn was mown and 30% and I took T&M for a walk around the Three Miler. More cracks and gaps were filled and roast pork was eaten.

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* VI has recently "gone up in the world"** and acquired a brand new Suzuki which does not have a tow hitch
** Successfully applied for Mobility Allowance
*** I was not taken in by this Sales tactic

Not according to plan

Saturday's activities started a little after nine when Kathy H-R knocked at the door and deposited four suspicious, dripping plastic bags …

… She had called yesterday evening to ask if we wanted any pork as she had just had a kill and had a few joints left over. There was, of course, also the head for a batch of guanciale. We had gratefully accepted and I was now looking at what I thought was a minor change to my plans for today.

I had planned to make a start on filling the nail holes and so forth in the new woodwork in the Hall and thought that dealing with a few joints of pork would take no more than thirty minutes but my estimate was way off the mark. I started with the heads and soon had the cheeks removed and trimmed. I also cut off the ears to roast as a treat for T&M. I then reached in to the cupboard to grab a jar of cure mixture and found barely a handful in the jar…

… Bollocks! This meant that a further half hour was spent finding ingredients and grinding spices to make a couple of kilos of dry cure mixture. Only then could I get the cheeks salted and packed away in the cellar.

I was then able to attack the joints. The handful of chops were quickly sorted and packed in bags of three. The joints, however, were a different matter altogether. All of them needed to be boned, have the skin scored* and be trussed up ready for roasting. By the time I had them packed in bags, labelled and stashed in the freezer eleven o'clock was long gone and I was looking at a pile of bones and the final bag of trotters.**

The Jam Kettle was dusted down and filled with water. The trotters and bones were thrown in along with handfuls of roughly chopped veg, herbs and seasoning.  It would take a good three hours to convert this in to stock and I used the first one to tidy up the kitchen.

30% conveniently arrived back around one in the afternoon just as the last traces of carnage and butchery had been cleared away. We lunched together before I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M. By the time we had returned the stock was just about done and it wasn't far off three o'clock.

It was then a case of a quick cuppa before we headed out to check out a few cars at a local dealership.  There were some very attractive models there but we held back from talking to the Salesman as we know a chap who works there and need to enquire about discount before possibly taking things further.

Back home I eventually made a start on Saturday's objective … filling nail holes, remember? … some nine hours later than planned.

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* A Stanley Knife is the perfect tool for this and I had one handy … in the hall with the rest of my tools!
** In case you were wondering; 30% had conveniently arranged an appointment with local Jeweller so I was flying solo on this mission.

IF(O2="12x7x4", "12x7x8", "oops")

After a brief discussion with my Boss yesterday there was a possibility that I might need some help today …

… so first thing this morning I dragged the Bullet from the garage and headed in to the Depot. On my way in to work I stopped off for fuel and as I wandered back to the Enfield I was accosted by an elderly gentleman with a strong local accent. "I used to have a real one of those" was his opening gambit and he then went on to regale me with tales of classic motorcycles and the speed of which his Royal Enfield was capable. To be fair he was nice old chap and his dismissive initial comment was softened when he cast his eye over her and said that she looked really good …

… and I had the final word when I left the forecourt. I simply swung my leg over and hit the starter button and she fired up instantly. There was no struggle to kick over a 500cc single … and there were no drips of oil on the ground either.

Once at work I settled myself in and eventually addressed the problem I was facing. I had 1200 lines of data and these entries contained one of eleven possible values. I needed to convert the data cells to a new set of values. At this point it is probably worth mentioning that I am more of a words and actions type of person than the sort that revels in complex spreadsheet formulas. I have heard of vlookups and I know what they do … but I'm fucked if I know how to create one!

Anyhow, back to the problem in hand. I was aware that I could use nested IF statements to perform a fast and accurate conversion and the natural estimator in me knew that an hour spent fathoming this would be time well spent. I wasn't overly confident of flying solo but settled to the task in hand and the first attempt simply returned "Formula Error" messages. This was bloody frustrating as if I used a much shorter set of IF statements it seemed to work just fine. In the end I had to build up my set an element at a time and within a few minutes I was done. The formula was copied an pasted in to 1200 cells and the data was converted.

I was quite chuffed with my small success, especially as I had not needed to consult an MS Excel Guru who inhabits a cubicle a little way down the office. I had also got this out of the way by lunch time and could return home and spend the afternoon working from home. However, before I left I took the time to remove the power cable from my secondary screen and lock it in my desk … It appears that the Cuckoo just hasn't got the message!

The afternoon waned and 30% arrived home a little after five o'clock. We took a ride out to the Sale Room in Littleton, met up with Moneypenny and took a wander around the lots. It looks like tomorrow's auction won't be the most exciting sale we have ever attended but there are a couple of lots that might be worth watching.

Unfortunately the 15th Century Fireback is a) a replica and b) too wide.

At least it's not another elephant photo

Most of today was spent working alone in an office in Victoria.  My Boss and colleagues obviously can't handle two sequential days in the office so I was on my lonesome until mid afternoon when I headed out for a pre rush hour train back to the Midlands.

There is little of any great interest to report about my day* so I have trawled my photo archive and retrieved a couple of snaps from last years trip to New York. Normally these would have been presented in the weeks following that holiday but I didn't produce a single Journal entry for six months as I got to grips with the fundamentals of the new role.

So, as it says in the title to this entry; at least it is not another Sri Lankan elephant.

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* I'm guessing TP will want to put it behind him too as it was his Driving Test today and it didn't go as well as hoped.

So that's what you look like!

Wednesday was an even earlier start as I needed to be at Evesham Station for the 06.49 to Paddington. 30% had graciously offered me a lift to the station so she was up early too but I found out later that she had gone back to bed for an hour upon her return home.

The reason for the trip down to London was that my frolleague* and mentor; Lou was in from Nevada for a Yellow Pad session with our Customer and I had managed to blag an "over nighter" so I could join up with the deal team for a few drinks, a meal and a lot of laughs.**

My working day was spent in an office in Victoria where I kept a few balls in the air and helped out my Boss with a key opportunity that is described as a "must win".*** The support was mostly to do with engaging a somewhat obstreperous Pricer and invovled me formatting costs to align with her demanding requirements.

At some point in the afternoon I finally got to meet Lou face to face for the first time and after congratulating her on her successful session with the customer we chatted for a while before heading off to complete our working days.

It was just shy of seven before we had all finished up and we then headed off to a nearby pub for a few drinks and a natter. Fortunately the weather was fine and we were able to booze "al fresco" where we actually stood a chance of hearing each other above the noise of a packed London Pub.**** As the evening progressed our numbers thinned as the locals headed off home and we headed to another pub for dinner and more gin.

I rolled out of the pub at a respectable eleven o'clock and decided that I couldn't face the Tube. A cab was hailed and twenty minutes later and twenty quid lighter I was deposited at the doorstep of the Roach Motel.***** I have to be fair to the Cabby and report that he a) declined a tip and b) knocked a pound off my fare because we got held up in traffic around Hyde Park.

Within ten minutes I was checked in to a "budget" room and settled down for the night.

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* noun: portmanteau of FRiend and coLLEAGUE
** The Sales Guy insisted that I had every right to be there after I had helped out by attending a workshop with a vendor and had assisted with knocking up some estimates to support our ROM pricing.
*** always a dangerous statement to make.
**** The Phoenix, Victoria
***** Normally expense guideline would not allow an overnight stay in the capital for a team meeting, but my Boss was flexible in view of the fact that it was a rare chance to meet up with a US based team mate. Lets just say that I had to be somewhat creative in my choice of Hotel to meet the cost challenge I was set!

Trouser Mathematica

The day started early and I found myself stood on the platform at Redditch Station at quarter to eight in the morning.

The reason for this unusual start was that I had an appointment with an Implantologist in Birmingham at nine and there was no way I fancied the alternative of driving in and finding car parking. Once I had actually found the Practice* the consultation went well and a provisional appointment has been made for the extraction of the dodgy crown. My transition to a Cyborg commences.

Once back at home I settled in the study, cleared the accumulated emails and made a start on this abbreviated working week. Five o'clock eventually arrived. I shut the laptop down and headed out for a walk with T&M.

I had barely reached the centre of the village when I heard a "hello" called out behind me. I turned and saw Deb** doing her best to stay upright with Cappy, her chocolate Lab, hauling her in our direction. We decided that company would be good and decided to walk the Three Miler together.***

The dogs were unleashed and charged excitedly about the lanes. Within a couple of hundred yards Cappy had managed to trip me up. I found myself falling "arse over tit" and landing in the lane in a most inelegant fashion.

I scrambled to my feet, dusted myself off and, no worse for wear, continued my walk.

At home, an hour or so later, I was chatting to TP and 30% and I asked if the back of my trousers were muddy as a result of my trip. TP opined that they were "filthy" ...

... I took a look myself and noticed a muddy smear about the size of a hand print on the leg of me jeans. "Is that it?" I asked. "Yep" TP replied "they are disgusting". There then followed a long, three way debate about just how dirty my otherwise unblemished jeans were. My position was, and remains, that the muddy mark covered no more than 5% of the total trouser area and a minimum of 25% mud coverage is needed to qualify as filthy.

You have to be up around 50% dirt to enter the realms of disgusting.

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* Curse you Apple Maps app
** neighbour, friend and also colleague at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers.
*** this is dog walking etiquette ... Always ask if company is welcome as many walkers, myself included, prefer to walk alone and enjoy the mind clearing benefits that brings. Of the couple of dozen dog owners I know there are only two or three I will actually walk with, the remainder I just cross paths with.

High Tea

Monday morning was spent finishing the stripping of the woodwork in the Hall. It only took a couple of hours and, having completed this milestone task, I started to clear the room of tools and debris. As I worked and pottered to and from the garage I was witness to much hustle and bustle in the house as 30% had invited the majority of her immediate family over for High Tea this afternoon…

…  The tea had been arranged to celebrate 30%'s Dad's birthday* and we were to be joined by 30%'s sister, brother, The Elf, Mum and, of course, the birthday boy. As a mountain of sandwiches, savouries, sweets and cakes were prepared I did my best to make the hall and my self look at little more civilised and little less like a building site. I also took T&M for a walk around the Three Miler in an attempt to curb their enthusiastic welcome of guests.

At half past three our visitors arrived and after chat and viewing of the latest projects we settled in the dining room to a table heaving under a mountain of tea time delicacies. 30% was concerned that an additional leaf needed to be inserted to seat eight of us. I assured her that this wasn't necessary and all were comfortably spaced around the table. She was also worried about a blemish on the table cloth but that was never going to be an issue with a table covered from end to end and side to side with savoury dishes, scones and cream, and, of course, freshly brewed tea** brought home from our recent tip to Sri Lanka.

We sat, chatted and ate until the early evening. Our visitors departed around seven in the evening and we settled to a lazy evening in front of the television.

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* His Birthday is 25th May but, better late than never
** Broken Orange Pekoe, if you were wondering.

Nose to the grindstone

There are many positive things I could say about Sunday; the weather was better than Saturday, I spent it at home with the family rather than at work with a laptop and I made progress with the renovation of the Hall…

… However it is this final entry on the list that made the day seem arduous and tiring. Basically, apart from meals and a walk with the dogs, I spent all day chemical stripping the frame of the floor to ceiling cupboard in the Hall. This involved covering a small area* with a home made, chemical gloop, waiting a few minutes and then rubbing vigorously with wire wool. The resulting slurry then needed to be washed off the wood with clean water and the wood surface was then neutralised with white vinegar.

I have made great progress. The eighteenth century oak, appearing from under the paint residue, looks fantastic but it is hard going. My fingers and shoulders are sore from my labours and I have another morning's work before I can strike this task from the "to do" list.

I was dreading this task from the start and procrastinated for a while before actually getting on with it. All I can say is "I'll be glad when this is over".**

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* say about the size of an A4 sheet of paper
** The Hall also features another large cupboard that looks to date from the 1940's or 50's and houses the electricity meter. The original plan was to strip that one too. This , however, has been revised as the frame and sides have been stained rather than painted and would never strip successfully. Plan B is that the doors will be natural wood and will sit in a tastefully painted carcass.

I'm not going out in that!

I woke early on Saturday to fine weather but within thirty minutes that had changed and torrential rain started to fall from a leaden sky …

… and it didn't stop.

When T&M wandered downstairs with 30% an hour or so later I opened the door to the garden and encouraged the dogs out for a pee. Marauder grudgingly accepted but was back in a couple of minutes, taking no longer than was absolutely necessary. Tyson, on the other hand, refused to step outside and I swear that dog did not pee until about one in the afternoon when there was a break in the downpour.

I wasn't keen on heading out in the rain either and spent the morning chemical stripping the frame of the smaller of the two cupboards in the Hall. This went pretty well and is now just about ready for finishing. As lunchtime approached 30% returned from a shopping trip and her arrival was preceded by TP, who had spent the night at his girlfriend's house.*

After lunch the weather cleared somewhat and I donned coat and hat before heading out around the three miler. All three of us needed a walk having not been out since Wednesday. We managed to stay dry for most of the walk but as we headed back in the village I felt drops of rain. I took a stoical view of this, after all most of the walk had been dry and we were only ten minutes from home …

… However, within 100 years the Heavens opened and it was pouring down. We trudged on with T&M pausing every so often to shake the rain from their coats then, coming down the road, I saw a familiar vehicle. 30% had taken on the role of Search & Rescue party and had come to pick us up instead of receiving us soaked by a walk through the storm.

We arrived home in a relatively dry state and the dogs were soon towelled down. I then spent a fun session in front of the computer changing a series of passwords following the recent security breach of eBay servers.

The rest of the day was uneventful, TP was ferried to and from work, a Chinese Takeaway was eaten and a film was watched. It wasn't an exciting day but it was perfect. Things were achieved, exercise was taken and I felt quite rested after a busy week.

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* in the spare room!

Thank God there is a three day weekend ahead

If I thought Thursday was busy, Friday was even more frenetic!

Fortunately, and I cannot believe I am using the word "fortunately" in this context, I woke a little after five and consequently was fuelled and ready to hit the in-box at around seven in the morning. This head start was exactly what I needed and by nine thirty I took control of a review meeting having drafted and populated an action tracker and issued it to the meeting attendees beforehand.

My Boss was on the call and he said my approach was "perfect". There was no time for any self congratulation though as three sequential calls followed and it was midday before I came up for air.

Again, there was no time for a break as 30% had purchased* an Art Deco Bookcase earlier in the week and we both leapt in to the car to head out to collect it. One might ask why she is buying a bookcase when we already have a quartet of Lebus, glass fronted, Barrister's bookcases dotted around the house …

… Well, her handbag collection has now reached a size where storage and display facilities are needed and this '30's piece of furniture was deemed just the job. I am hoping that this encourages her to make a start on her hoard in "The Purple Bedroom." **

The afternoon was equally hectic and at one point I was attending once conference call and minuting another. It eventually all calmed down around five in the evening and I didn't do much more that hit the sofa for the rest of the day.

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* or rather, I had been instructed to do so on her behalf.
** I don't recall whether I have ever mentioned this before but we have a room forever known as "The Purple Bedroom". It was painted a strident purple before we bought the house and achieved notoriety during the building work we had done back in 2007. During the build this room was clearly visible from the road as two walls and the roof had to be demolished and reconstructed. It was so noticeable that the builders used it as a landmark when giving directions to delivery drivers … "just carry on down the High Street and stop when you see the purple wall" … it never failed!***
*** I should point out that is is now a far more sedate "Ivory Lace"

Head Down.

I'm not sure what to jot down for today.

By the time I surfaced some time around six in the evening I realised that I had been head down all day on a wide variety of projects including a new one where my Boss would like me to "help out as needed". This was not the most useful guidance I had ever received but, looking at it in a positive light, it appears that he trusts me and values my input on a very significant opportunity.

So that was it; a day spent at the laptop with a short break for lunch but no time to head out around the Three Miler.

Away from work I have finally finished the chemical stripping of the mantle shelf above the Inglenook and am sure that, after sanding, it will look fantastic. I realise that this job is taking some time but I would rather be over cautious than end up with woodwork that is permanently stained due to aggressive chemical strippers.

Friday is fast approaching and I hope I can finish this element* of the Hall renovation over the three day Bank Holiday weekend.

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* I still have a door frame and two cupboard frames to strip

A Blast from the Past?

Work is picking up and I am avoiding the temptation to write a Journal entry cataloguing the excitement of a series of Networking Projects.

Instead I'll pick a day or two from the missing six months and attempt to fill in some of the gaps…

… towards the back end of December last year I made it made it to my fiftieth birthday and pessimistically realised that I had just entered my sixth decade. I have to be honest and say that the morning of my birthday was not the happiest I have ever been and  I felt quite depressed to have an age that had a five at the beginning rather than a four. This dark cloud didn't hang around for long as I was well aware that I cannot halt the passage of time and I just needed to get over it, and on with things.

Now the transition from one decade to another is seen as a significant event and, unbeknownst* to me, 30% was keen to get me that special something. As I just implied, she was keen for it to be a surprise but a week or so in to the month she had an attack of nerves and demanded that I stopped what I was doing and attended to the iPad.**

She advised that she was tempted to buy me "this" but wanted to be sure that I would like it before she committed to the purchase. I took receipt of the tablet and looked down and there was the website of a classic vehicle dealer showing a Royal Enfield Bullet Classic. It was an Indian made bike with minimal mileage and was only four years old. I was gobsmacked by this thoughtfulness and generosity and stammered a delighted acceptance.

I now have more space in the garage
but it really needs tidying

Within 24 hours a deal was struck and a delivery date was arranged. It turned up a week later on the back of a car transporter after a run down from York in the pouring rain. This meant that I spent a few days over the Christmas and New Year break cleaning off the accumulated grime.

It is fair to say that she is neither the fastest nor the best handling bike I own but she looks truly delightful in the bright sunshine and sounds fantastic. I am tempted to procure a dateless number plate so I can replace the modern yellow acrylic plate with a traditional black plate with white letters and numbers.***

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* I have never used this word in a written sentence and I am fairly sure I haven't voiced it either.
** Yes, this is the jointly owned iPad that I am not allowed to use as, apparently, 30%'s lungs will terminally explode if she lets go of it … She certainly makes a lot of noise when I take it off her!
*** This results in shouts of Hypocrite as I am on record as disparaging those who need to label their vehicle with a piss poor attempt to convey their name whilst being restricted by car registration conventions.****
**** I don't want to spell out my name. I just want to make my bike look forty or fifty years older

Winging it

It was an odd sort of day today. For starters T&M had to be dropped off at the Groomer's salon early this morning so I spent the day alone.  I also seem to have a plethora of small scale projects on my platter plus a "Beast" that I am helping out with. Consequentially I was busy flitting from project to project or from home to Redditch to dispatch and collect the dogs.

In the morning I was summoned to a call about The Beast. I had been looking after a couple of activities and had been invited to this call to represent my colleague. She wanted me to make sure that the key objectives were met. I settled down expecting to be an Observer in a discussion about Hosting of virtual servers but within moments ascertained that a couple of my team mates were not particularly skilled in summarising project background and requirements.

I therefore found myself sitting in the Captains chair and hosting the discussion. I am far from an expert and spent much of the time "winging it" and there were a couple of occasions where I just plain Bullshitted my way through the discussion. Things got particularly tricky when I was asked how a Rough Order of Magnitude price had been developed and I managed to state that it had been developed  by fusing Intellectual Capital, similar opportunity costings and standardised pricing units rather than incriminating colleagues and advising that we had just "stuck a wet finger in the air".

At the close of the call I summarised the actions and scarpered from the virtual meeting room. I had barely hung up when my 'phone rang again. It was one of my Manager's Peers who had been on the call. Apparently my Bullshitting Hosting skills  had been appreciated and he particularly liked the way I managed to avoid saying "we just made up the numbers".

It has taken me a while to realise that Leadership and giving direction really is appreciated in these parts. I guess that taking an Upright off a Lorry is one thing but setting up a Concert Grand is another.

DIY

I have been putting off the chemical stripping of the woodwork in the Hall for quite some time but eventually carried out a small trial at the weekend. That trial involved Nitromors and wire wool and I have to report that the results did nothing to encourage me. Basically it was very poor. I could see it taking weeks and still leaving a very indifferent finish.

30% had suggested that I use a home made stripper comprising wallpaper paste, caustic soda and water but I had resisted the temptation as I am stripping hardwoods and they are notorious for staining in the presence of water let alone sodium hydroxide …

… Well today, in desperation, I bit the bullet and performed a test patch in a concealed area. I didn't leave the alkaline gloop on for very long and, after a vigorous rub with wire wool, the solution was washed down with clean water and neutralised with a white vinegar solution.

The results are fantastic and I am sufficiently encourage to continue the task. I just need to be restrained and do a very small area at a time.

Incidentally, I did dip a fresh piece of oak in the home made stripper and within minutes it had changed to the colour of raw umber. This  is definitely a process to be executed with care.

Shabby

It was a late, but incredibly enjoyable night with Bond and Moneypenny and it came as no surprise that I felt somewhat jaded when I crawled from my pit at around eight this morning. I threw a couple of painkillers and several coffees down my throat and soon felt a little more human.

The plan for this morning was to head over to see BMS & SMS, so shortly before eleven I threw a few tools in the back of the car and headed off down the road. The aim of the visit was to install a couple of hand rails in the bathroom and this was addressed after cups of coffee and catching up on each others' news. It was a lovely morning and BMS is very keen to pop over and see our recent auction wins.

Back at home it was time for lunch and then I headed in to the Dining Room ... When we emptied the hall, prior to starting it's renovation, I moved the 30 hour long case clock in to the dining room but have not had it running. The recently acquired 8 day clock now sits in the Hall so today's plan was to secure the 30 hour clock to the wall and get it running. This wasn't a major task. A hole was drilled in the wall and a spacer was cut to fill the gap between clock and wall. A hefty screw was used to secure the clock to the wall and then all I had to do was adjust the position of the mechanism in the case, re-set the striking mechanism, set the time, wind it up and nudge the pendulum in to action.

This activity took it's toll on my hung-over self and I retired to the sofa for a kip. Feelings of guilt forced me from this snooze about an hour later and I headed out in to the garden and whizzed around with the pom mower. I felt that the tidy sward actually justified a further snooze and sneaked another twenty five minuets before pre-dinner bustle disturbed me.

After a splendid steak supper 30% and I hung a couple of pictures …

… We came home from yesterday's auction with a couple of late 19th Century oils and we also acquired a beautiful, elm, bible box that was, most definitely an impulse buy.* Yesterday we tried this little occasional table in a few rooms but it didn't look right in any of them. I was disappointed by this and was considering putting it back in to the next sale, but 30% found the perfect place in the Dining Room. It now sits to one side of the fireplace and supports an antique set of scales.  This frenzy of creativity urged me on and I got the two oils hung before retiring to the sofa until both clocks struck eleven.**

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* as was the silver capped, otter's foot which I just had to have
** This currently happens a few minutes apart as the 8 day is running fast and I need to lengthen the pendulum.

Lot to do

Saturday started earlier than I would have liked but six o'clock found me wide awake. I headed downstairs and hit the coffee and a couple of hours later I heard 30%'s delicate footsteps on the staircase. We had a quick chat before I headed out around the Three Miler with T&M.

The reason for this unusual weekend preparedness was the need to get over to Littleton Auctions for a couple of lots that had caught our eye. We stopped off at VI's house en route and dropped off his house key, enquired about his holiday and commiserated over the loss of the squab on my watch. VI was resplendent in his boxer shorts, having just showered, and was amazingly comfortable about receiving guests in his underwear. He took the loss of the young pigeon well and seemed to think that he should perhaps use a fantail dove to incubate and rear the young as the parents didn't seem to be particularly good at it. It was only a flying visit and we left promising to set up a wine and cheese evening in the very near future.

It was then a quick race over to Littleton to hit the auction. The weather was beautiful and we didn't fancy being crammed in to a stuffy sale room but when we arrived there we found it to be very civilised and neither packed nor dead. The auctioneers were trialling an internet bidding service and we found that although we had arrived an hour in to the auction they were nowhere near their normal 100 lots per hour rate. 30% went to check on a couple of commission bids we had left on very early lots while I queued for coffee and bacon rolls.

Unfortunately I hadn't won my stuffed Barbel, neither had 30% been successful with her art deco oak bookcase but we had won an old oil painting that we both quite liked. We settled down to watch the lots and it wasn't long before the first serious lot came up.It was an oil on canvas of corn stooks and fortunately there was only one other bidder who dropped out leaving us with a lovely rural landscape to hang on the wall at home.

It was then a long, long wait to virtually the last lot of the sale. It was a pair of art deco, diamond and white gold, drop earrings that 30% had settled on for one of her 50th Birthday presents. My bid went unchallenged so we won them at their reserve price…

… I am guessing that she will be wearing these when we head out this evening for supper with Bond & Moneypenny.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent helping TP set up a carpet cleaner so he could remove a rather dubious stain from his car seat. I then headed in to the hall to start the chemical stripping of the woodwork …

… that went as badly as expected!

Channelling your Pets

I know that I had used this title before but it perfectly sums up my start to the day.

I was having a cup of coffee before I headed off to work* when I happened to pass the biscuit jar. Being a naturally inquisitive individual I took a peek and notice the presence of Oreos. As I stood there munching one Marauder looked up at me and this dialogue followed;

Marauder:       You could make dog biscuits like that.
bad man:         Really Marauder?
Marauder:       Yes, like gravy bones on the outside but with
                             chicken pate in the middle .. or duck … or pork.
                             We could call 'em "Dogeos"
bad man:         That's a great idea M
Marauder:       Yes, get Pedigree on the 'phone. You do the
                             buttons, I'll do the talking.
bad man:         OK, I'm on it.
Marauder:       I'm an "ideas" sort of dog.

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* In the office on four occasions this week, impressive!

Ding Dong!

Thursday saw me in the office for the third day running this week. The reason for this increased attendance is that my Boss is in town this week and a) he offered me a free curry on Wednesday and b) it seemed a good idea to actually appear to be working rather than be conspicuous by my absence.

A good chunk of the morning was spent on a coaching call with one of my team mates. The unusual thing about this was that I was the coach rather than the coachee. I was rather surprised to be asked to perform this role, especially as I have only nine months experience of Piano Moving, however it became apparent that my years of experience of making up bullshit numbers and then adding vaguely plausible justifications was a new skill in these parts. As a result I spent the morning prattling away and we soon had a cost estimate for theoretical team of individuals, available to calm down an irate customer when a lot of shiny infrastructure fails to operate as promised.

I left the office at midday and headed back home as Dave the Stripper had arranged to call round in the afternoon. He arrived shortly before four o'clock and was soon setting up the new long case clock in the Hall. It looks beautiful there and, as if that wasn't enough, he also gave me back a considerable amount of garage space when he took away a dresser base, a pine cupboard and a small pine desk as the non-cash elements of the deal.*

The working day came to a close and we all headed over to the local Auction Rooms to preview the lots in Saturday's Antiques and Fine Arts Sale. There is a rather fine oil of Corn Stooks in a field that we both like and 30% is rather taken by some Art Nouveau earrings.  As for me …

... I quite like the mounted Barbel in the bow fronted glass case.

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* There was a cheque for a Monkey too

The Cuckoo

I need to preface this entry with a few details about my workspace preferences. For many years I "worked" for Dante's Nine Circles of Hell and for most of that penance I did not have an allocated desk at my designated workplace. Instead I used the nearest vacant "hot desk" whenever I needed to pop in to the office. This approach has many benefits for an employer. It is far cheaper than providing desk space for the entire workforce and is perfect for a flexible, mobile workforce. It also, by definition, re-enforces a "clear desk policy" ... After all who is going to bother putting up photos of loved ones and pets, arrange boxes of tissues, mount clipframed Industry Qualification certificates and stick Gonks across the top of a monitor only to have to remove them at the end of the working day.*

So to summarise; I have been used to sitting at a spartan workspace and leaving it clear of any belongings or paperwork at the end of the working day. To be honest I like the absence of clutter ... I guess it suits the minimalist side of my personality.

Here at the Neat & Tidy Piano Movers things are different. I am free to work from home but I also have an allocated desk at an office a few miles down the road. I spend most of my time in my home office and tend to pop in to the proper office once a week. My desk at work reflects my ingrained habits and has the necessary tools but exhibits very little personalisation. There is a docking station for my laptop, a secondary screen, an IP phone, my trackball mouse, a Land Rover Mug and a teaspoon ...Oh, I forgot that it also has a small monotone image of my avatar taped to the divider that separates me from the adjacent workstation.

However I need to be clear that it is MY DESK and other inhabitants of the office space are well aware of this. They sit at their desks, I sit at mine. There are, I should mention, a number of vacant/unallocated desks in the area where I sit

So why is it that recently a chap has started to sit at my desk when I am not there? I first noticed this a few weeks back when I went to log on to my 'phone and noticed that the login screen showed someone elses logon details. It didnt take a rocket scientist to work it out and 30% confirmed that the "cuckoo" was starting to use my desk on a regular basis.

A couple of weeks ago I turned up at work and actually found the cheeky fucker sat in my seat. I am guessing that he could tell I wasnt impressed by the way I dumped my laptop bag alongside him and asked him to move while I had a quick chat with a colleague about a project. When I returned he had moved to one of the nearby vacant desks and, instead of offering an apology, advised that he rather liked the wide secondary screen that I have connected to my docking station.
Basically this cuckoo has an allocated desk in another part of the office but instead of using that he sits in my chair at my desk, using my equipment because he likes my shiny, secondary monitor. For some reason this really fucks me off!

I am guessing that I must be getting a bit territorial in my old age and he better fucking watch it because if he doesn't sod off back to his own desk he could well find me scent marking my desk and the environs in an attempt to keep him off my patch.

Although scent marking** my desk space was tempting I have decided that I actually quite like Piano Moving and would like to remain employed. I therefore decided to employ some slightly more sophisticated tactics to secure my patch. My first was quite simple ... I took a biro and penned the words "bad man's desk" at the bottom of the monotone print of my avatar that is pinned to the desk divider.

I then heard a conversation that suggested that the cuckoo might have OCD tendencies as he avoids touching hand rails on stairs "because of the germs". Bingo! When I left the office yesterday I ensured that my coffee mug remained unwashed and was stategically placed in the middle of the desk. I also positioned a minging teaspoon between the QWERTY and ASDF rows of my keyboard.

Surprise, surprise; when I walked in to work today my desk was vacant and the cuckoo was sat opposite me. Perhaps he has finally got the message.

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* Anyone who thinks it is to prevent industrial espionage is deluded
** Think Hippopotamus spraying it's excrement at the edge of the Great Congo River

Bad Man 1 : Psychopathic Cockerel 0

I was up early and decided to head off down to VI's cottage straight away with the false hope that the evil bastard would be still asleep. Obviously he is a cockerel and everyone knows they are up at dawn so it came as no real surprise to hear the bugger clamouring to be let out as I wandered up the path.

I took the sensible approach and fed VI's pigeons first and then steeled myself for the hens and the accompanying psychopath. I sensibly stood outside the run and opened to coop door …

… I kid you not, the cock headed straight for me and was strutting and jumping with no thought to mounting the hens which is what most cocks do when they are let out in the morning. He really is an aggressive little sod. I managed to access the coop by careful positioning of the coop door and fence netting so succeeded in collecting the eggs and left a frustrated cock fuming inside the run.

That done, it was a quick run down the road to feed the sheep and then back home to let my chickens out.

I spent the morning in the office before exiting at lunchtime, getting a haircut at the nearby Barber* and working from home in the afternoon.

In the evening I finally fixed the two pieces of oak trim in the inglenook which means I have no excuse and now need to start the chemical stripping of the woodwork.

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* I have been using a "Salon" in the village for the past few years but have never been particularly impressed with the quality of the cuts. This cut was far better and exactly the same price.

I really should pay more attention

It is Monday and I settled at my desk to attend to today's working matters. The day wasn't particularly arduous and time was found to walk the dogs and contact Dave to arrange delivery of the new clock and the collection of the surplus pine furniture.

I finished at a very civilised five o'clock and then headed over to the Vets to have T&Ms' ears examined. Fortunately their recent rubbing and scratching is nothing more than a build up of wax. They are off to be groomed next week so this will be dealt with as their ears will be plucked as part of the grooming regime.

Back at home I found time to mow the lawn and put a second coat of oil on two trim strips that will be fitted in the inglenook. I then joined TP and 30% for dinner. My last task of the day was to head up the Village to VI's house to shut up his chickens and this is where the title of this entry has a modicum of relevance …

… It was still light when I arrived at VI's house and consequently his small flock was still out in the run. I threw some corn in their house to encourage them in and they came over to investigate. I was about to climb in to the run to herd them in when his large Light Sussex Cock came up to the fence and started to strut in front of me. Moments later the evil fucker was launching himself at me with a fair pair of spurs outthrust. I didn't really fancy having this monster coming in at me at chest or even face height so I grabbed a handy bamboo cane and, shall we say, "encouraged" him in to his coop.

I'm bloody certain that I don't fancy collecting the eggs with that malevolent sod at liberty in the run tomorrow morning. As I drove home I had a faint recollection of VI mentioning that his cock was a little feisty. As it said in the title; I really should have paid him more attention.

Keeping Busy

Sunday morning was taken up with a second trip out to Rubery/Rednal to collect TP's car. This became a family outing as 30% was required to drive me out there and TP obviously wanted to come along and ride home in his new vehicle.* Unfortunately this didn't pan out, as TP needed to be in work by midday and the Car Lot Manager took his time rolling up to work this fine Sunday Morning. ** As a result TP had to leave with 30% and I had to hang around for about ten minutes until the manager turned up.

Once the tardy sod actually appeared it was a rapid presentation of the invoice followed by a hand over of keys and paperwork. I then headed over to the nearest petrol station to deal with the amber light on the fuel gauge! Once I had sorted out the driver's seat position the little car drove well and half an hour later I was home and reversing up to the top of the drive.

Lunch followed and I then headed out for a walk around the Three Miler. The walk was shower free but the weather was incredibly chilly especially considering that we are well in to May.

30% and I then took a tea break before heading out to drop off a few items at the Tip. On our return we stopped at Village Idiot's house, where I was appraised of my Poultry and Sheep care duties as he will be spending next week holidaying in the Isle of Wight. TP was then collected from work and we eventually walked through the door for the last time today.

I spent the remainder of the afternoon sanding and oiling a couple of oak trim pieces that will sit inside the Inglenook before retiring to the sofa for a kip.

Oh, and it looks like I will be 'phoning Dave and asking him to deliver one of the clocks when he comes to collect the pine furniture later in the week.

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* He can't drive it yet as he has not yet passed his test and there seemed little point in insuring it when it will just sit at the top of the drive until he has.
** He eventually arrived around 11.40 when he should have opened up at eleven o'clock. His sorry tale of having to retrace his steps to retrieve a forgotten mobile 'phone was an inadequate excuse from my perspective.

He will never have any money again ...

It was no surprise that TP was up, dressed and ready to leave the house on time this morning as we are off to look at a car. He hasn't yet passed his test but we have space on the drive and this one looked like it could just be too good to pass over …

… earlier this week we were sat in the Lounge and I was enduring Eastenders.  Apparently TP and 30% were watching it and the fact that they both had their heads buried in their iPhone and iPad demonstrates the quality of the programme and the minimal effort needed to follow the plot. They were both searching for potential cars for TP and 30% found a bright yellow Fiat Seicento.

Back to the present, we were soon sat in the Defender heading up to the outskirts of Birmingham and found ourselves waiting for a second hand car lot* to open. The manager turned up and we had a wander and a prod around the car and it simply looked too good to be true. There wasn't a mark on the paint work. The panels were straight and the engine ran like a little sewing machine. The only minor issue was that the Driver's seat was filthy. We wandered in to the Office and started to review the paperwork and the low mileage was supported by a sheaf of old MOT certificates.

I then noticed that the MOT certificates were all issued by someone with the same name as the registered owner of the vehicle. Now everything made sense. This tiny little Fiat had been a runabout and courtesy car in a garage. This explained its 4,000 miler per annum mileage as it had never been exposed to proper family life.

I am no car expert but it seemed to be very good** and most importantly TP liked it, so we decided to take a punt and will be picking it up tomorrow.

We headed home for lunch and in the afternoon I took a ride over to see Dave the Stripper. I had a couple of other items that had not been subject to our bargaining on Thursday so these were thrown in the back of the Defender and taken for his perusal. To cut a long story short, the chair and pine bookcase netted another £70 and one of the two Long Case clocks was fabulous. I took few photos and hope I can convince 30% that we should buy the preferred clock.

Back at home I finally grouted around the slate flag in the Hall and settled in front of the TV for a quiet evening as TP was revising for his A/S Levels and 30% was spending the evening in Birmingham at a Dance Performance with Jules.

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* I am guessing that the owner would prefer Used Car Dealership
** It will need an MOT and Road Fund Licence in the next couple of months and I am sure that a couple of new tyres wouldn't go amiss either.

A Deal with Dave

As I was browsing my in-box this morning the telephone rang. It was Dave the Stripper, who called to ask if it was convenient to return the stripped cupboard doors at lunchtime. I wasn't exactly rushed off my feet today so I enthusiastically accepted his offer.

When we had dropped the doors off last Saturday we had mentioned that we were looking to sell a few antique pine pieces that I had neither the time nor inclination to restore. We also mentioned that we might be looking for another long case clock, as our 30 hour clock is currently residing in the Dining Room, while the Hall is renovated, and looks absolutely perfect in there.

Dave is always on the lookout for antique pine as it sells well* and was more than happy to come over and take a look. He also mentioned that he had a couple of 8 Day Clocks due to arrive in his workshop and that there was always the possibility of a deal.

Returning to the present, Dave was as good as his word and arrived at half past twelve. We had a pleasant chat and I showed him the furniture we wanted to sell …

… a price was agreed. It wasn't as good as I would have liked but he has to make a profit and it does mean that I will recover a significant quantity of garage space when he comes to pick up the pieces next week. He also mentioned that the two clocks had now arrived and that we were welcome to pop in and have a look.

It looks like tomorrow is going to be a busy day as TP has found a car that he likes and I have promised to accompany him to view it. I also fancy checking out these clocks.

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* Lord knows why! He struggles to shift beautiful oak and mahogany pieces that will out last any pine and are far better quality furniture.

I may have been procrastinating ...

It has been a quiet couple of days here at The Pile and there is little to report on the work front.

At home I had taken to repeated sweeping and  tidying of tools in the Hall rather than actually doing anything and this evening I finally decided to break out of that unproductive loop by fitting the final length of skirting. It was a pig of a job that involved careful chiselling of the slate flags to remove the worst protuberances. I then needed to scribe the bottom edge of the board and trim to match the uneven profile of the floor. The final task was to plane a chamfer on the last few inches of the board so that the Dining Room door would still open in to the Hall…

… Did I just say "final"? What I meant was that I could then offer a silent prayer to the Gods that my drill holes would all terminate in masonry or brick rather than mortar, use far more Gripfill* than is actually necessary on the reverse of the board, offer another silent prayer or two and then start to screw the damned thing in place using a temporary wedge in an attempt to curve the board to the shape of the uneven wall.

I did say it was a pig of a job.

All I can do now is wait a few days for the adhesive to fully cure before I remove the wedge and pray once more that the board will accept the flex rather than revert to normal and pull the 3" screws from the wall.

Having done this I could then revert to sweeping and tidying again so that I will be able to get in to the Inglenook and grout the replacement flag and a complete a couple of other minor jobs.

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* Other Building adhesives are available but use the water based ones at your peril … they are bloody useless.

A Quiet Day

After the Bank Holiday I was expecting to return to multitude of emails but that was not the case. There was very little that needed my attention and this was probably fortunate as I needed to take an hour or so out of my day for a follow up appointment with the Dentist.

This involved sixty seconds of prodding, tapping, humming and hawing before we reached a joint decision. Basically there is a very slim chance that a root canal filling will be effective and I asked about the possibility of an implant as an alternative. My Dentist agreed that this was an option and will be arranging a consultation with an Implantologist* for me.

In my mind this is the first step on the way to becoming a Cyborg and I can already see myself with metallic jaws looking like a still from one of the Terminator movies.

Stepping away from Dental and Occupational matters I can report that I fixed the last sections of architrave in place this evening and now just have a single length of skirting board to put in place.** I am doing my best to do ANYTHING but start the chemical stripping of the original woodwork but it is an inevitable task that is getting nearer day by day.

As there is no coherent thread in this Journal entry I will finish by advising that 30% has gone in to a Holiday booking frenzy and we now have four days on a Narrow Boat booked for August and a long weekend in Bruges seems to be in the offing too.

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* Yes, really.
** This will not be straightforward. Andy & Steve were somewhat thoughtless when plastering and the skirting will need to be chamfered or planed at one end to allow the Dining Room door to open in to the Hall.

Worcester disappoints & progress is made in the Hall

The plan for Monday morning was to nip in to Worcester. TP was looking for new strings for his recently acquired Tanglewood, 12 string, electric guitar,* I was tempted by a Sale at Jaeger and 30% just fancied a wander. We also planned to visit a car dealer and take a peek at a potential new vehicle …

… By lunchtime we were all back at home generally disappointed with the trip. All of the guitar shops were closed for the Bank Holiday, I could find nothing I fancied in the menswear department and the car was not carrying its age or mileage well.

The afternoon was spent back in the Hall and by early evening I had made significant progress fixing architrave and skirtings to the walls and door frames. I still have a wall and door frame to attend to plus the fiddly sections of oak that need to be inserted in the Inglenook.

Oh, today and yesterday's productivity cleared significant items from the garage and meant that I could now extract the Porn Mower and persuade TP to use it.

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* A Littleton Auction steal!

Carpentry and not a lot more

As is traditional and commonplace, judging by recent TV commercials, my plan for the Bank Holiday weekend mostly comprised DIY activities.

Up until yesterday all I seemed to have been doing of late has been the removal of the fabric of the house and the creation of a fine collection of building materials.* However, after yesterday's achievement with the replacement of the broken flag I felt somewhat more positive about progress and today I continued in that vein …

… The plan for today was to make a start on the second fix carpentry. Normally this would simply be a matter of cutting the architrave and skirtings to length and fixing them in place. Unfortunately this was not the case in the Hall. The don't 'n dab method of plastering has resulted in a need to cut packing strips for all sections of architrave to ensure that they sit flush with both walls and door frames.

These strips need to be neat as they are not concealed and, as there are three more door ways** to be trimmed, there are several to cut. Most of the day was spent cutting, gluing and screwing these strips to sections of architrave and, as the day progressed, the Hall became filled with lengths stacked waiting for the glue to dry.

As the day waned I was  not overly impressed by progress. The room simply looked more cluttered rather than more complete. Hearing the clock strike gin o'clock I decided to fix the first length of skirting board instead of hitting the bottle. A few minutes of effort involving 3" screws and builders adhesive had it firmly fixed to the wall and this had another benefit …

… I could finally bring in the oak coffer in from the garage and free up a little more space in there!

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* I/We have also managed to fill the garage to the point that work or simply moving in there is virtually impossible. This is somewhat counter productive in view of the fact that I need access to the table saw and other tools on a regular basis to complete the secondary fix in the Hall. It is fair to say that I have reached the point of ranting about items that have not yet been disposed of and the fact that every job is extended by 50% due to the need to constantly rearrange items before work can commence.
** I had already done one; the Office Door frame on 19th April

Today I learnt an important lesson …

… William* and Noggin are both adult cats. Noggin is nearly three and we have lost count of William's years, but he must be seven or eight. Their age is of no real concern, basically they are both adult, both have free access to the great out doors and both are fully house trained …

… so why did one of the little sods think that the rectangular space of earth and stone, left when I lifted the broken flag last weekend,  was a fantastic, period litter tray! Yes, the first task this morning was to tidy up the aperture and as I knelt, with hammer and bolster in hand, I noticed a distinctive odour. One of the little sods had pissed in this nice new earthy patch, obviously believing it had been provided for their indoor convenience.

The rest of the morning was spent on the task of replacing the flag and included cutting a hardboard template for the flag. I only had one piece of slate to fill the aperture and stood little chance of ever getting another that would be close to the right colour or thickness so was understandably cautious to get it right before I attacked it with a new diamond cutting disk,

By Lunchtime I was gently lowering a heavy flag on to a carefully prepared bed of mortar. It was a snug fit but some judicious thuds with a rubber mallet and some gentle agitation soon had it sat beautifully in the Inglenook.

The rest of the afternoon was spent routing the wood I picked up on Monday. This was nominal 150 x 25 mm PSE softwood but a couple of hours with a 1/2" Router and Beading Cutter produced the lengths of Skirting I need for the Hall.

Late in the afternoon 30% and I also managed to find time to take the cupboard doors over to Dave the Stripper in Worcester and we had a pleasant chat and a wander around his stock before heading home. Dave has advised that he will drop the doors over later in the week.

I was hoping that the trip to Worcester was the last of my activities and that I could spend the remainder of Saturday slumped on the sofa with a gin and tonic in my hand. Unfortunately this was not the case as TP's girlfriend had spent the day here and due to some later transport revisions I became responsible for chauffeuring her home later on in the evening.

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* aka Eddie or Eddie Percent dut to the fact that he lost a rear leg and tail following an accident with a car a fight with a bear many years ago.

Picture Post

Friday was quieter than expected. I headed in to the office to submit an expense claim and expected to be tied up reviewing a Proposal with our client. Fortunately for me, the client was unavailable and the hour long review became a somewhat disorganised fifteen minutes attempting to find a mutually convenient time for most attendees …

… I am so glad that I have Project Managers to deal with this for me.

The rest of the day involved further calls, a finish at a very civilised hour, purchases from the DIY store* and a trip over to view the lots at Littleton Auctions.

In view of the fact that it was a slow news day I have pulled this snap from the hard drive bytes allotted to our recent Sri Lanka trip. This impressive Bull was encountered on our first Game Drive through the Udawalawe National Park.

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* Don't get excited, it was a bag of cement mix to fix the replacement slate flag in the Hall