A crafty one out the back with Mr H Robinson, or ......

........  Smoking bacon the Bad Man way.

Before we start the Cat's Brief has pointed out that I should say lots of things along the lines of "if you try this don't blame me if it goes wrong and you get ill or die".  I'd like to add that Tesco or Danepak definitely don't produce their bacon this way but the stuff Great Grandma and Grandpa used to eat certainly came from a process like this.

So where do I start; a piece of pork loin has been dry cured in a salt/sugar/spice cure for about 6 days. It has been soaked in water for about an hour then dried, wrapped and hung in the garage for a further 8 days. Here it is in its nice little muslin jacket

It is unwrapped and a hook is inserted ..........

...... and then hung from a rod in the chimney.

What part of Santa is that ?

In the hearth a small charcoal fire is lit. No coal is used as that will taint the meat. Once the charcoal has that barbecue ready look it is raked out and a good couple of handfuls of oak sawdust is thrown on top. This is the point where it gets counter intuitive. Before I started smoking I spent my life lighting fires that burn beautifully. When smoking you want a fire that smoulders; enough heat to cause the sawdust to smoke but not too much or the meat will cook not smoke.

And that is all there is to it. Tend the fire for the next three or four hours adding more fuel or sawdust as necessary or damping down with a water spray if flames appear.

Here it is after smoking. The colour change is a result of the smoking process and can be quite marked depending on how long the cut is smoked for. The one thing that I cannot convey is the smell. An amazing smoky aroma with an element of cooling bonfire.

All that is left to do now is slice it and eat it or refrigerate or freeze.

The taste is fantastic.You can pick up the sweet and saltiness of the cure accompanied by the peppercorns and bay leaves, the smoke is there too but there is still a remnant of pork flavour. It doesn't just have that commercial homogenous bacon flavour.

Quick, Hide the evidence..........

This evening saw me pop round to Cathy's to pick up half a pig. I reckon I actually got more than half or she needs to have her holding checked over with a Geiger counter because I have four trotters and a complete head. I have therefore uprated my half to about 56% rather than phone the National Enquirer about a two headed, eight legged, porcine monster that has savaged the community and been killed by a SWAT team at the end of a 12 hour rampage of blood and gore ...........

........... well, it could have happened like that.

It came to £68 and 30% estimates that it is no more that £1 per 1 lb which is a great deal provided you can store the meat. Fortunately we are a 3 freezer household and they are all full now.

The hind leg looks fantastic and I have already 'phoned Dad to borrow Grand Dad's boning knife and I have also scrounged some ply to make a box for the salting stage of the ham curing. More on that once I get started. At the moment the leg is resting in the fridge for a day or so until I find the 2 or 3 hours I need to get it all going.

Tomorrow I plan to smoke a couple of cuts of the bacon that I cured. Working from home is great as I work near the Inglenook and can keep one eye on the smoking fire to make sure it doesn't burn too hot. It is not a sophisticated process; the bacon is hung on hooks and suspended from a rod in the chimney. A very small, smokey fire is lit and kept burning for 3 or 4 hours. End result, lightly smoked bacon. More on that tomorrow.

Cathy also advised that Village Idiot has been released from Hospital as they have decided that he has not had a heart attack. He does suffer from a muscle wasting disease and apparently exertion caused an unusual heart rhythm which was mistaken for an attack.

This is obviously good news but I am having problems assembling a sentence which has "VI" and "exertion" in it. It must have been one hell of a brook trout that took his worm on Thursday evening - that's all I can say.

Making Bacon

Pork seems to have been an undercurrent to the weekend.

Saturday saw us nip in to Stratford to complete a few errands. It was the fortnightly farmers market and the Rare Breed Pork Butcher's stall was there. This stall is usually manned by Richard. He's a lovely chap who is very encouraging with regard to my Butchery/Charcutuerie efforts and was responsible for suggesting that I graduate from curing Pork Bellies to a full side.

Unfortunately Richard was not around but one of his colleagues was also very helpful and took an order for a full side of Tamworth pork and some Hog casings to be picked up in a fortnight's time.

It was quite scary the first time I cured a full side. It is a lot of meat and is daunting both in terms of the size of the cut and also the price - especially if the cure fails and you end up with about 14 lbs of very "off" pork rather than dry cured bacon.

Once home from Stratford I brought in one of the pieces of Loin that I had cured a couple of weeks back. I put it through the slicer and, if I say so myself, it looked rather professional and quite appetising.



It was road tested on Sunday and performs as well as it looks.

Saturday morning also saw an unexpected phone call from a local Small Holder. Village Idiot had called a week or so back to mention that this Small Holder was killing a pig and wanted to know if I was interested in half the carcass. The call was from Cathy; the aforementioned Small Holder to let us know that the pig will be ready to collect on Monday. She also had some less good news, apparently VI has been taken in to Hospital having had another heart attack.

This is never good news but we never know how to take this as he has had several of these attacks and recovers with amazing rapidity. We are obviously hoping that he bounces back from this one just as promptly.

Back to the impending carcass, I have been tempted to try an air dried ham for some time; a Worcestershire version of a Prosciutto. Well the half pig is the perfect opportunity so Monday or Tuesday will see that project start.

Forever Child

You must have the patience of a Saint.
She's a delight, a forever child.
Filled with the joys and fears and innocence of those first few years.
Held there forever by some unfortunate chance.
A chemical permutation or a mismatch.
You must have the patience of a Saint.
I watch her and see her joy and love.
I see her absolute childlike glee.
I enjoy her enjoying life but hear the forced patience in her Mother's voice.
She is a delight but she is a child too long.
Her future, trapped in a childlike mind.
Full of love but those that love her back are likely to go before her.
What will happen to you Forever Child?

Autumn is here.

Amongst the mayhem and lunacy that is my day job I found an hour or so to take Tyson and Marauder out for an early evening walk.

The hedgerows have been weighed down with their burden of Autumn fruits for some weeks now and fungi are popping up everywhere. It is like the Property Developers amongst the Little People haven't been hit by the Global Economic Crisis at all. Obviously a good sized Toadstool is still a desirable location and there are plenty of Pixies and Gnomes that have the cash to spend on them. The Elvish Bankers  were obviously making some shrewd investments and stayed away from the sub-prime market that was lending to Goblins who hadn't got a cat's chance in hell of keeping up the payments.

The 'shrooms are popping up all over and the market is buoyant.

Where was I going? Oh yes - the fruits of Autumn have been on display for weeks but the weather, even when wet and overcast still hadn't lost all the traces of Summer but now as I walk the evenings are starting to draw in and a fleece and a hat are required to keep out the chill. Autumn is definitely here.

I like Autumn. I like the contrast of the sun shining after rain on a cold day. I like the fogs and mists that bring the limits of vision down to a few yards and give a special feeling if isolation. I like the late Autumn frosts that make the leaves even crisper and the ground as hard as iron. I like Autumn.

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Other stuff - TP and I took T&M to a later Dog Training class yesterday and I thought it went really well. Tyson has been a bit of a sod recently and I'm sure it is due to the fact that she likes to play up when there are lots of puppies around. The later class has older dogs that are more advanced and there are fewer of them. This means that there are more complicated exercises and more time to develop them. This environment seems to suit her and she performed brilliantly. Perhaps she likes to be challenged.

Today Dad popped round for lunch and brought Tilly with him. After some initial shouting from Marauder they all settled in well and she made herself at home. It is good for her to be socialised with other Dogs and getting on with T&M and Sell-by-date will mean that Dad can avoid Kennel fees and leave her with us if he ever wants to go away. Mind you him and Sue (step-mum) are so besotted I think they have already checked out their favourite holiday accommodation regarding their dog policy.

What am I / I am doing?

"Badman, we need you to write a Contract Schedule. Off you go, quick as you like"

Hmmm! This is not what I have been doing for a living for the past few years so its not like I'am expert or anything. In fact I probably fall in to the category of "man on the street" in terms of expereince .........

......... yep - that's right, the man sat on the street outside McDonald's with a dog on a string smelling of urine and Special Brew.

Anyway, I had a hunt around and found an example from a US Contract. I then farted around with it and sent it in for approval. They liked it so much they asked me to prepare another 8 versions for a few Countries in Europe and the Middle East. "tout de suite" - Gits!

This is the nature of my new job. Allegedly it is in the same job family as my previous role. My arse! It is about as similar as walking is to flying and you don't see many Swallows putting on their Nikes and setting off for North Africa "a pied" do you?

Anyway, am I enjoying it? That's a difficult one. It is probably too early to say but I can say this - I may be working longer hours, with a completely new set of TLAs*, processes, people etc etc but it is still preferable to my last role. It is coming together slowly and it is nice to be challenged and to be learning again.**

It is not leaving much time for Domestic stuff at the moment but I am sure that things will even out as I get to grips with things. At the moment understanding what can be put in to "pending" and what is "urgent" is not straightforward. My colleagues seem to think that everything falls in to the latter.

This evening sees TP and I off to Dog Training with Tyson and Marauder. My powers of prediction then see me falling asleep in front of the News.

Apologies for the work based entry but it seems to be all consuming at the moment.

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* TLA - three letter acronym

** This is as positive as I get about work. I could be awarded the position of CEO and I'd still be looking for the Bear Traps.

Weekend or "weak" end

After a very busy week at work trying to be efficient, whilst

a) infected with plague brought in to the house by TP, and
b) not really having a clue what I am supposed to be doing - new job, remember

neither 30% nor I wanted a particularly hectic weekend.

I woke early on Saturday and I mean early - 5.30 - I am knackered and full of snot and really want a lie in and my mind is saying "wake up Badman its the weekend" whilst my body is saying - actually I cant print what my body is saying because it is about 400 sequential expletives.

The mind won so I got up and settled in front of the early TV News and drank several double espressos. This got me to the point of walking upright on the evolutionary progress chart - you know - the one a couple behind the guy with the spear.

I'm not sure I like the way that Chimp is looking at me!

I then had an hour or so of work to get out of the way so I could forget work for 48 hours. By 9.30 my obligations to Dante's were fulfilled and the weekend was mine.

TP was going to spend the day in town with some mates so I ferried them in leaving the rest of the day a blank canvas.

A fine day was spent pottering around. New shelves were put in the garage. Shelves were filled, clutter removed. The day ended with a bonfire and that feeling of self satisfaction of achieving loads of things and feeling somewhat rested too.

Sunday morning was spent watching TP at rugby practice then home for lunch and a bit more tidying in the garage, The lawn got a bit of a trim and the dogs got walked. I then settled down for a bit of cooking. I had found a recipe on the internet for Lincolnshire haslet - a spiced pork meatloaf and was tempted to try it.

It was a bit of an odd recipe involving mincing pork and onions and combining them with lots of dried herbs and seasonings and slightly stale bread that has been soaked in water and squeezed dry but the end result is most pleasing and will definitely be added to the recipe folder. The pork loin that I started curing last Monday was also removed from the fridge, washed and soaked for an hour before being wrapped and hung up the garage for a week or so. There are 3 pieces of bacon, each just over 1 lb in weight. I sure at least one of them will get smoked sometime early next week.

30% says I am a carnivore who regards vegetables as garnish. This is not true - actually it is - but I eat raw carrots and celery just to spite her.

Motoring News

The "Prius" went in for her MOT this morning and passed with no "Advisory Notices".

I am obviously pleased as it means that the upcoming Service will be just that, with no additional repairs to be added to the service.

Any of you who have read this nonsense will know that the Prius is not, in fact, a Japanese, Hybrid engined "eco" car but a British 4 wheel drive. I can hear the Environmentalists wince from here but I have already pointed out that I bought her second hand and don't actually drive that far in a year which makes her carbon footprint a lot smaller than the size 13's most people assume she has. After all 20,000 miles per annum and a new car every three years does tend to kick out a lot of CO2 even if the car can give you 40+ miles per gallon.

Where am I going with this? Well, a comparison of this and last years MOT certificates show that I drove her just under 5,000 miles in the past 12 months. That is one of the benefits of working from home. It also means that I don't really feel that guilty about her fuel consumption of 30 mpg.

Using crude mathematics this means that my annual fuel consumption is in the region of 167 gallons. That's about 3 gallons per week or about £16 per week at current diesel prices.

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Random Fact: Today I gave Sell-by-Date a pedicure - bless him - he is so old that he doesn't really walk that far and consequently his claws don't get worn away.

Calm after the Storm

The quieter evening that I hoped for yesterday did not happen.

Another evening of last minute changes and winging materials over to my American colleagues. With a head full of snot every cell of my body was saying "just lie on the sofa, watch crap TV and do nothing".Unfortunately that was not to be and it was another night in front of the Laptop.

Deadlines have been met and today has started at a somewhat more leisurely pace.

I had an appointment with an Occupational Therapist this morning to check up on progress with my hand. That went well and she has confirmed that the exercises have worked and the mobility of the finger is now pretty much back to normal. It is still numb down one side but at least I can use it to a reasonable extent now.

Back in front of the laptop  I have spent most of the day clearing the bits and pieces that had been ignored while I have been focused on my "primary deliverables". I have also had to develop a couple of further iterations but am realising how boring this paragraph is becoming and am going to stop it n.....

......  This evening I have promised myself a 6 o'clock finish. There will be a walk with Tyson & Marauder and, to be honest, not a lot more.

I have some bacon that is being cured but that will only take a few minutes to massage in a few handfuls of cure and that is about it. Then I plan to spend the evening with 30% and TP and my viral chums - Yes - I still have the cold.

I am snotty.

Bloody Kids.

They spend all Summer in different parts of the world collecting germs. Come back to School and swap them like some Biological Warfare Trading Card Game and then bring them home and dump them on their parents along with school bags and lunch boxes.

You may have guessed that I have a cold and TP showed the first symptoms. He has therefore been judged and found guilty of Biological Warfare and not even the Cat's Brief is going to get him off that one.

To be honest it's not that bad but I have had a crap night's sleep and have that horrible scratchy sensation at the back of the throat. I am therefore milldy Grouchy but at least I am at the midpoint of the week and therefore am on the downward slide to the weekend.

There are a few work deadlines that need to be met so unfortunately I cant skulk off and find some less pressured work to occupy me until the symptoms subside.

The new job is allegedly going well. I have been thrown in at the deep end but apparently am doing good work according to Observers. Now that is a sick occupation. Standing on the side of the Lido watching someone grasping at the waters surface and catching a breath whenever possible. That's Dante's for you. I used to push rocks up a hill now I carry one on my shoulders in 6 feet of water - remember - I am a short arse.

I have to be honest though - the new job is much more preferable to the last one even with increased pressure, a learning curve that is more like a brick wall and not a huge amount of support.

I have been fretting over a deliverable only to find that a Sow's Ear is adequate when I had been trying to produce a Silk Purse - difficult when new to a role. I do however find this mildly concerning when the "sow's ear" deliverable feeds in to a Quality Review.

On the Home front it was Dog Training last night and we were advised that the Silver Tests were scheduled for November. Hmmm! based on T & M's performance last night we have some work to do.

Dog Training and a late night in front of the laptop (work) meant that everything else was rushed; Dinner, chat, chores etc. I am hoping that this evening will be more civilised but I expect that TP will want to go to Rugby Practice if work calls allow.

30% and I did grab a few minutes this morning and we have decided to put an increased offer in for the Coppice - scrub, more like. So it looks like I need to draft a letter to the Land Agents.

Kitchen Stuff

Yesterday evening saw me pricking a pound of sloes with a cocktail stick before throwing in enough sugar to kill a diabetic and the best part of a litre of cheap gin.

All of this was carefully placed in a Kilner type preserving jar and will be shaken every day for the next week or so and then left for at least three months, preferably more. The end result is a sweet liqueur that tempts even the most ardent Gin Hater. I have a bottle left over from last year's harvest and can confirm that,although great from the start, continues to improve with age. It looses some of the sweetness and subtle undertones of other hedgerow flavours appear.

I also topped up the Blackberry Vodka  - this is a similar preparation but involves Brown Sugar, Cloves and Cinnamon Sticks. I've never made it before so haven't a clue what it will be like. I love blackberries and am hoping that I will end up with a sweet, fruity yet slightly spiced liqueur. I started a batch off with some of the first blackberries back in the middle of August. That will be ready for straining and bottling in mid November, so only a couple of months to go before judgment can be passed.

30% had been to Tesco and returned home with a bag full of things that don't, on first impression, appear to make a meal. I then discovered that Pork Loins were this week's "special" so I ended up making a batch of cure* and rubbing it in to a large boned loin joint. Each day over the next 5 or 6 days it will be rubbed with more cure and put back in a cool place. At the end of the week it will be unsmoked or "green" bacon. The loin produces back bacon and for a little effort great rewards can be reaped.

At the end of the curing process it is soaked for an hour and dried. I then tend to wrap it and hang it out in the garage for about a week before either eating, freezing or smoking it.

Dad gave us a bag of shallots from his garden so these will be soaked in brine overnight and then washed and pickled in vinegar. I think 30% plans to kick that off this evening.

TP and I have Dog Training this evening so I will have limited time for things culinary.

Right - now it's time for a quick coffee and work.

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For anyone interested the cure is 3 parts salt to one part brown sugar plus cracked black peppercorns, crushed bay leaves and ground coriander

High Spirits

Crap title but I couldnt think of anything better.

Yesterday saw me taking TP to Rugby practice and I thought I would spend the 90 minutes drinking coffee from a flask and getting cold. In fact I ended up taking part in line-out practices and getting stuck in with the Under 14s. It was good fun and their lack of weight is made up for in suppleness and fitness but me and the two other Dads did manage to take a couple of line outs despite the squad's superior numbers.

It was fun and "yes" I can mange to move this morning.

Popped in to see Dad on the way home and got licked by the new puppy. She is called Tilly and is an absolute delight. Dad and Step Mum are absolutely besotted with her and describe her as the best birthday present ever! She is, of course, spoiled rotten and rules the roost but it is great to see how they are responding to having a new dog - a real breath of fresh air.

Yesterday afternoon saw us invited round to perform a bit of foraging in a local Orchard. C&M are a delightful retired couple who live close by and M decided to spend a portion of C's pension on a 2 acre orchard. It is lovely. She has just purchased a refurbished Shepherd's hut complete with bunk and stove so she can enjoy it at any time.

We reaped a bountiful harvest and came home with cooking apples, blackberries and sloes. We then divided and conquered. 30% produced a few batches of stewed blackberries and apples and I started off a litre of Blackberry Vodka. We were short of gin so will leave the sloe gin until this evening.

Today is work - obviously - but have managed to phone the Land Agents to make an offer on the coppice. It wasn't well received - but it was very low. 30% and I will have a chat later and decide on whether to go higher.

Weekend Stuff

Yesterday TP spent the day out with his Mum so 30% and I ended up on one of those days that never end.

You know how it goes. You walk out of the door after a late Saturday breakfast and then dont stop until about 8 o'clock at night.

Yes, it was one of those - not all bad, I hasten to add, just busy.

The first point of call was a DIY Store - not the one that screwed us about with the radiator, but one I loathe almost as much - where 30% and I spent a happy hour deciding on the colour for the rendered parts of the house as Andy & Steve have quoted a rather excellent price for the job.

As always we ended picking up a few other bits and pieces and ended up, as always, going through the checkout looking like we were going to built and paint a Gimp's Chamber. Is it just me that walks across the store's car park leaving a Checkout Girl thinking "what the Hell are they going to do with that" - or, as is far more likely "how drunk can I afford to get tonight".

Anyway, that was followed by a quick, whizz round Tesco and then home for a late lunch. On the way home we took a diversion and stopped to look at a 5 acre coppice that is for sale at the moment. 30% and I have been looking for a local paddock for a good few years but land here is expensive and small parcels are snaffled up by the pony brigade. This looks absolutely perfect as it is not suitable for ponies but would suit us. I think an offer may well be made. I am hopeful but have been at this point before and been let down several times.

The afternoon was filled with a walk for Tyson and Marauder and then a very early tea as we took TP to see a Monster Truck "Jam" in Birmingham in the evening. It was great - bloody noisy and very American and "low brow" but it was really fun.

Both 30% and I thought that the Pope could go a long way in the Popularity stakes if he swapped his white custom Mercedes for one of these.

That just about finished Saturday off and this morning sees me standing on the side of a rugby pitch while TP does his stuff.

Papal Visit

I'm really keen to see if I can persuade the Bear to wear a hat...........

......... think about it !

Pop Quiz or the 46+ Examination Board

Please insert the word "lucky" in to the following text and answer the three questions below:-

• A lump of Pixie's ear wax.

1. How many possible locations are there for the word "Lucky"?
2. What is the most suitable location for the word "Lucky"
3. Explain in no more that 4 paragraphs why you chose the particular insertion point.

Bonus question; how much of your life did you actually spend on this nonsense :-)

Incidentally this little puzzler had 30% and TP engaged for a good while on the drive up to Wales a couple of weeks ago.

DIY Chain Fiasco

During my 5 week absence we had the family bathroom ripped apart and renewed.

During this exercise I realised how much I truly despise one of the major DIY Warehouses in the UK. 30% and I went along and ordered various ceramic items, some taps and a rather nice heated towel radiator that would look just splendid and pump out plenty of heat in room that could be described as chilly.

OK, the orders were placed and we waited patiently. Everything arrived and was put to one side for Steve and Andy to sort out. Week one of the project was to rip out the old bathroom and re-plaster in prep for week 2 when the tiling and fitting would take place.

During a tea break Andy and Steve got bored and decide to have a peep at the towel radiator and noticed that one of the legs was badly bent. I rang the aforementioned DIY chain and they advised that a replacement would be sent in the next 48 hours. Fortunately I was on sick leave so would be there to receive the goods but did feel that under normal circumstances a 48 hour delivery window fell in to the category of taking the piss.

48 hours later the replacement rad had failed to arrive so I called again. This time the DIY chain didn't really want to do anything and I ended up talking to their Supplier. They committed to having on on-site the following day.

Well another day waiting for the rad went well - I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek on the telly had some lunch and all of this was only occasionally disturbed by Andy and Steve plastering. Mid afternoon I decided to give the rad Supplier a friendly call to see how they were and where my rad was.....

.... "Oh, we tried to deliver it but you weren't in"......

I bit my tongue and patiently explained that I was. "Ah but our driver knocked your door and got no answer. You have a blue front door". I replied "You're right I didn't answer because I have an oak front door. I think your driver called at the wrong address".

After a few calls the driver was diverted and he finally arrived at our house. I excitedly opened the package to inspect the goods before signing them only to find that the replacement rad was also bent in the same place. I declined to accept the delivery and hit the phone again.

Now we had a dilemma. We were about to leave for our holiday and Andy and Steve were due to start the re-fit on our return in just over a weeks time. We patiently explained this to both the DIY chain and their Supplier and they advised that they would have a new rad on site on the first working day after the bank holiday and would call us to confirm that it had arrived.

So moving forward 11 days, there I was waiting for the rad.

It probably comes as no surprise that it didn't arrive so I called the Supplier having decided that the DIY chain couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery.

They advised that the girl who normally deals with this is on holiday and it hasn't been checked in the warehouse as being OK for delivery. I fumed and asked for the Manager. I held for 15 minutes and then she advised that the replacement was also damaged, no new stocks were due in until the following week and she couldn't give a new date for delivery as they would need to be checked prior to delivery  in view of all the problems.

I thanked her for her assistance and advised that we no longer wanted the radiator. I also advised that I had wasted 4 days waiting for a serviceable item to be delivered and was not best impressed. I also pointed out that I still had the original damaged unit and if they wanted it back they would collect it at my convenience not theirs i.e. on a Saturday not a week day.

In the background Andy & Steve had asked to put off the refit for a week as they had a patio job that had been delayed by poor weather. This was fortunate as it gave me a chance to order a replacement rad. I took a gamble on an Internet supplier that offered a similar product with a 24 hour delivery and punched in my card details.

The Gods smiled on us for once - about bloody time after the palaver described above - and the rad arrived intact and also considerably less costly than the original one. We also got confirmation of our refund from the DIY chain.

Ah - all is well that ends well ..............  except for the fact that during the week of the bathroom refit I had a call from the original rad supplier to let me know that my (cancelled) rad would be delivered the next day.

In view of the fact that

• I had spent 4 days waiting for them to NOT sort out a problem
• Made many phone calls to people who couldn't give a toss
  
  ....  and received that "Customer Service Classic statement"
  
• "That's not my problem"

I decided to play dumb and let the stupid sods deliver the damn thing.

The outcome of this is that I now have two £500 towel radiators in my garage; one of which is bent and the other is un-inspected. Neither have been paid for.

Am sorely tempted to list the damn things on eBay.

I'm not dead.

exactly what it says on the tin.

Where have I been for the past 5 week ......

To be honest the finger operation has gone pretty well but for the first couple of weeks the last thing I wanted to do with it was bash it against a keyboard so I spent a frustrating time watching daytime TV and doing as much as I could in the kitchen. The nerves are affected by the operation so I have an index finger that still feels like it has just had root canal work at the Dentist. This make using it normally a bit of a challenge as sensitivity is poor and grip and control are both affected. Cooking was fun but I had to keep a close eye on what I was doing or it would have been severed or scalded quite easily.

Net result of my Kitchen based occupational therapy is a Freezer full of home made faggots - that is likely to result on some new readers using the words Freezer and Faggots in Google! I also managed several pints of Pea and Ham Soup and a Game Terrine using some Partridge, Pheasant and Pigeon that was provided by a friend that shoots.

After a fortnight of getting bored and cooking - actually I didn't get bored - I spent at least a few minutes every day sending praise aloft to the God or Gods that had allowed me to escape from the Account Team I had been working with at Dante's.

So that was the two weeks of certified sick leave and then 30%, TP, Tyson, Marauder and I spent a week up on the Lleyn Peninsular in Wales. For those of you that are Geographically challenged, if you see Wales as looking somewhat like a Pig's head the Lleyn Peninsular is the "ear" in the North that sticks out in to the Irish Sea. We had a great time and, as we took the Dogs, it was mostly long walks along beaches and up Bryn's - "its Welsh for Hill" - Thank you Mr Brydon. My lasting impression of the Lleyn is that it is like my 40 year old memories of Worcestershire except that it has more flavours of ice cream.

We then had a further week at home just doing stuff that needed doing and have that smug feeling that accompanies a slightly tidier house, garage and garden.

OK, so why haven't I produced anything for the past week or so - well I started a new role at Dante's at the beginning of last week and have been somewhat swamped to say the least.

Amongst all of this we have had the Chaps in to rip out the family bathroom and replace it with something suitable for People *. The work has gone really well and we are delighted with the results. There are still a few bits to do before we can cut the ribbon and declare it open and this will see me in the roof space to see whether recessed low voltage spots are really an option along with a load of painting in the not too distant future.

So, I have opened the Journal again and started to scrawl. No commitments to frequency though.

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* Believe me, before they started it looked like it should be a grainy shot in a documentary with a bloated body floating, face down in a filled bath - those are the perils of buying a "project house"

A suitable case for treatment

Birthday Present.

Today is my Dad's Birthday. 

If he was a dog he be about 11 years old.

A few weeks back I mentioned that he has decided to have another dog after 15 or more years without one and so this is his Birthday present. He adores Tyson, but she is way too energetic for an elderly Gentleman so it is fortunate that her breed comes in a smaller variety and this is what he has chosen.

I have this afternoon off work and we will be traveling up in to South Staffordshire to pick up the Pup. Yet another coincidence that Tyson & Marauder's joint alias is the "Straining Staffies" and that is where the new pup originates.

On the Home Front the Buff Brahma Cock is now in the fridge. I hope that keeps the Neighbour happy.

It is unfortunate that 30% had become a little attached to him but at least her feelings are eased by the fact that he had a good and long life before he was prepped for dinner. I'm not sure how common knowledge it is but most commercial poultry is killed at around 6 to 7 weeks old*. Free Range Birds are slightly older but rarely more than 12 weeks. Have you ever looked at a Free Range Bird in the Supermarket and gasped when they are asking £9 to £11 for a bird - that is the price of those extra weeks and a field to run round in.

The Buff Lad was about a year old and is probably a bit tough for a roast so I have jointed him and he will make a great casserole, as did the Light Sussex earlier in the week.

On the work front, I finish today and am likely to be off for the best part of a month. I have a minor operation on my hand tomorrow and am then likely to be signed off for a couple of weeks while it heals and am then away for the Family Holiday at the back end of August before starting in a new role at Dante's.

To quote John "Hannibal" Smith; "I love it when a plan comes together"

---------------------------------------------------

* at this age they still cheep rather than cluck and still have baby blue eyes**
** this is the reason I like to rear at least some of the chicken we eat at home

Yesterday's News

Things at work are slowing down as I complete the hand over of my current workload to a colleague.

This meant that I was able to take a lunch break and nip in to town to the auto-bank. Not particularly newsworthy, I'll admit, but on this occasion a lack of time pressures meant that I could take the dust sheet off the Vespa and take a slightly more extended route than is normal. It is somewhat frustrating that I have only just got her back to a roadworthy and road legal state and am about to have a hand operation that is likely to keep me off her for a good few weeks while it heals.

Moving on, Tuesday evening is dog training night. TP is off for a few days with his Mum so 30% stood in as Marauder's Handler and off we went to class....

... what a disaster that was! The normal trainer was off having had an operation on her foot and a replacement had been found - Trainer. not foot - talk about chalk and cheese! It was a nightmare - the key to dog training is consistency and repetition - this woman was contradictory, very poor at describing what she wanted from the class and unwilling to go with the approach that the normal trainer has. As a consequence I was confused so God only knows what Tyson and Marauder thought of it all.

It wasn't just me either. 30%  had to bite her tongue on a couple of occasions and we saw a few "looks" from other members too. After the class we tend to take the dogs for a quick run round the park in case they need a pee before the drive home. This gave us the opportunity for a bitching session with a few other members and in true team spirit we decided that the new trainer was piss poor and it was a good job Brenda is only off for a couple of weeks.

A few of us decided to throw a "sicky" next week and return to classes once Brenda is fit and able. That might seem a bit extreme but I learned how much I enjoy dog training and how much of that enjoyment was dissipated by a replacement trainer who seemed to think that the current approach is incorrect and needs a new strategy.

That is all well and good so long as you win Hearts and Minds and can take the Group along to this Brave New World. Unfortunately that was the flaw with her plan. There was nothing wrong with the old approach and if it ain't broke don't fix it - especially if you are only standing in for a couple of weeks.

Getting Up

At the moment TP is enjoying those long, school, summer holidays ..... and so am I. As he doesn't need to be persuaded from his pit at 7 a.m. neither do I. Like many of my colleagues I am able to work from home and it is nice to be able to get out of bed without the need to set an Alarm Clock, perform minor ablutions and still be ready for work on time.

30% is generally Office based so still needs to set the alarm which gives me even greater pleasure because I can then ignore the damn thing and doze for 40 minutes or so ...... "What about the chickens?" I hear you ask, "Sod them - they can have a lie in too" is my pithy response. Actually there is further bad news on the chicken front but more of that in a minute.

Going back to 30%, she needs to set the alarm to get ready for the Office but also seems to think that, because I can have a lie in, so can she. She then has to run round like a mad thing shouting in order to get out of the door and leave for work. Why she has to shout I'm not quite sure - it's just one of those things she does.

Right, back to the Poultry If your an urban dweller or of a sensitive nature you might want to go and Google something else because it might get a bit "rocky" from here on in.

First things first, Endemol's death on Saturday was very timely as we have received a notice from the Council about the noise of the Cocks. I don't have a problem with that. The notice is very polite and is just that, it is a notice that they have received a complaint and are obliged to investigate.

We have always been sensitive about the noise of the Cocks and their potential impact on our neighbours and have always made it clear to them that if they are disturbed we will do something about it. That is why I am a little peeved to have had a letter from the Council. Rather than knock on the door and say "Badman - they are getting a bit noisy, can you sort them out" some idiot has got themselves all worked up about the noise and gone to the council rather than just sort it out.

This is where I start my "Towny" rant. I am from a rural background and ringing the council is not the way to do things, just come round and knock on the door and ask! Endemol's death was perfect timing and yesterday saw the Light Sussex have it's neck pulled and it is now sitting in the slow cooker surrounded by vegetables and white wine. The Buff Brahma will get done towards the end of the week.

You will note that I am not going on along the lines of "this is the Country, the noise of Cocks is to be expected". I do actually feel that way but the bottom line is that my neighbour has got worked up enough about this to complain to the council so has probably gone beyond a reduction in noise and is expecting total silence. 30% and I had already decided to slim down the population before the complaint hit the mat so the decision had already been made.

So, no Cocks at the Pile for a while. The hens will sort out a new pecking order and everyone will get a better nights sleep. The Council investigation will come to naught.

..... and next year I can put another batch of eggs through the incubator and start the cycle of life again:-)


One final observation, if this had been France the Town Hall would have laughed at the complaint. Here in the UK we have to be more devious - eat the evidence and start again next year.

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crime - No 2 in an occasional series.

This morning Marauder decided to amuse herself by playing with a heavy duty paper bag of the type that one might use to carry home a nice new shirt from a favourite shop.

Unfortunately the location was the Bedroom and the time was 5 a.m. As is usual for Marauder, the play was ebullient, to say the least.

Domesticity

Today saw us pile in to the car and drop in to a local DIY Warehouse Store to take advantage of a 50% off Sale.

The family bathroom is one room that was vile when we bought the house and has been neglected as the extension gave us a stupendous Jack & Jill Bathroom - an "en-suite" accessible from two Bedrooms.

A few weeks ago I was having my haircut by a the Mum of a friend of TP and was moaning about the fact that the room was only suitable for bathing Tyson & Marauder and that we simply had to do something about it. She mentioned that her Husband had recently set up a Property Services Company and would be more than happy to quote for the job. Now her Hubby is a super chap so we called him and his quote was fantastic. I've seen his work, as he has just finished his wife's new Salon in the Village, so I know his workmanship is fantastic.

So off we went to order the Porcelain Goods, Taps, Shower Mixer and Towel Rail. I had ordered the Shower Tray and Screen earlier in the week from a chap in the Village who is setting up a Kitchen and Bathroom Studio next door to the Hair Salon. Steve, the aforementioned Hairdresser's Husband is doing the fitting out of the Studio which gives me an even greater sense of security about his workmanship and I got a great deal too.

Steve starts the strip out at the beginning of September so we have plenty of time for the fixtures and fittings to arrive. All I need to do now is measure up and get the tiles ordered. We know what we want so I just need to spend 20 minutes with a tape measure and a calculator and I can pop down to the Tile Warehouse to see what deal I can strike on Travertine and White tiles.

The rest of the day saw me upside down on the worktop fitting the low voltage halogens under the kitchen cupboards followed by a wander round the 3 Miler accompanied by 30% and T&M.

TP has finally recovered from his PGL week and it seems that he had a great time and actually met up with a Lad from his school and another Boy who was on an ATE week that TP attended last year. It's a small world!

TP is off to spend a week with his Mum next week so it is a case of revolving doors and 30% has been bogged down with his Laundry from last week and ironing for next week.

On a completely separate subject I have decided to treat myself to a compact digital camera with a decent optical zoom. I have a film and digital SLR but they are bulky to carry especially when I am walking T&M but I regularly see things that merit a snap and would like something small that I can just throw in to my pocket. Who knows, the Journal may get more pictures.

The King is Dead, Long Live the King.

Endemol
Born: August 2007
Died: 31 July 2010

A bit of a sad day at The Pile.

We returned from collecting TP at the end of his PGL week and returned to find Endemol; our Minorca Cock had died while we were away.

I come from Farming Stock and am not particularly sentimental but am sad to see him go as he was an absolutely stunning bird and a real character to have around. If you are not familiar with Cocks, other than knowing that they crow, they can be a diverse bunch; ranging from evil bastards that fly at you with their spurs at chest height because they see you as a competitor to soppy  old things that barely take notice of you.

Endemol was a Gentleman; not aggressive but elegant and refined. We will all miss him.

Back in 2007 we had recently acquired some Minorca Pullets from a fairly local breeder. Village Idiot said that he knew of a Minorca Cock at the other end of the Village and asked if we wanted to borrow him. We agreed and he turned up in a crappy cardboard box tied up with baler twine a few days later. If there is one thing you can say about VI - he has a certain style.

The Cock settled in and started to tread the pullets but we knew that he needed to be with them for at least 10 days for us to stand any chance of having some fertile eggs to incubate. However, after 3 or 4 days we had a Silky Hen go Broody and decided to put a few eggs under her "just in case". 21 days later we heard cheeping so we knew that "Dad" was fertile.

In the mean time we had started to collect eggs to put in to the incubator and so we ended up with 2 batches of chicks; one reared naturally by a broody and the other incubated and reared by us. Time passed and the chicks grew and at about 5 or 6 weeks we were able to work out which were boys and which were girls. Most of the boys were dispatched but we kept the best from each of the hatches and this is how Endemol got his name as he was the "Big Brother".

Endemol's Dad was returned to his owner and we realised that we liked having a Cockerel about and so we kept Endemol and he settled in to his life which basically consisted of food, sex and crowing.

He was so noisy that he couldn't sleep out in the coop at night as he would start up at around three in the morning. So, for fear of complaining neighbours, we used to tuck him up in a box in the cellar overnight and return him to his Hens in the morning. He got so used to this routine that when the hens returned to the coops at night he would wander in to the house as it got dark and would perch  on the back of a chair in the hall waiting for one of us to take him down to his box.

Maybe you can see now why we got attached to him. He was a real character.

Incidentally, people will tell you that a cock will not crow if it is dark and also if he cannot stand up and throw his head back to let rip. This is absolute nonsense. Endemol used to crow in a box in a pitch black cellar. His body clock let him know when to start. He didn't need the Sun to tell him it was wakey time.

His finest hour came in the Summer of 2008 when we entered him in the Minorca Class at the Three Counties Agricultural Show. He not only won his breed class but he was also judged to be the best of the Light Breeds and earned a place on the Champions Row.

This means that I can not only claim to have a prize winning cock but can also post a picture of it in the Journal.

Endemol's Finest Hour

End of Work Checklist

• Out of Office set  - Check
• Voice mail updated - Check
• Hair cut - Check
• e-mail shut down - Check

The long weekend starts here........

....  We have a day at the CLA Game Fair tomorrow and then on Saturday we are taking TP off to a PGL Camp up near Grantham for a week. The lucky git is going to spend a week riding motorbikes and driving quads, go-karts and ATVs. No wonder he is known as Spoilt B@stard round here.

When I were a lad ... it was The Double Deckers and an episode of Why Don't You and then they shut the telly down* until Play School at 4 o'clock and that was for little kids. They might, for some unknown reason, put the horse racing on in the afternoon but I would have rather stuck knives in myself than watch that.

Digression over - He is a good kid and he will enjoy the week but he does look at 30% and I in a bemused Stranger in a Foreign Land sort of way when we start mumbling on about only having 3 TV channels and no DVD or Computer or Games Consoles when we were his age.

"What did you do?" he asks and I know I am lucky that when we say we read or made things and went outside he understands because he does those things too and does not start to suffer withdrawal symptoms if he is removed from a room with a 40" Flat Screen in it.

He has had his hair cut short this evening after being just off the top of his collar for the past couple of years. He looks very different and it will take a bit of getting used to. It is also quite ironic as he tried Sea Cadets earlier in the year but didn't really take to it.

One of the differences of opinions was about his hair even though it met their criteria of being above the collar - JUST - he now has the perfect cut from their perspective but has decided to take another tack.

.......  and as for the rest of the weekend - I have to re-assemble the Kitchen.

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* They didn't but they did tend to show programmes which didn't tend to appeal to a 13 year old. For example; The News and The Open University and I hasten to add that the Testcard does not count as scheduled programming

Marauder's Bumper Book of Crime - an occasional series

Today I grabbed my fleece as showers were predicted.

I thrust "poo bags" in one pocket and my phone in the other and then grabbed a handful of dog biscuits as treats for good behaviour.  These were placed in the usual pocket and I watched as they trickled out on to the floor.

Somewhat bemused I investigated further ..........

............ That maniac dog had simply chewed through the pocket lining while the fleece was left conveniently on a chair back and had munched the biscuits that had been left there from yesterday.

Limbo

I am feeling like I am in a strange Limbo Land at the moment.

Dante's have a rule that states that there is a 90 day notice period before I can move from one post to another. I find this peculiar as, if I resigned to take an external post I would only need to serve one month's notice. I can see no reason for this extended period other than it gives the Lesser Demons more time to find another tortured Soul to replace me.

Why Do I feel like I am in Limbo? The work I am currently assigned is unstructured and very messy. There does not appear to be any formal processes or management systems to follow so it is frustrating too. But a good while back I decided to move to another role...

.... now here is an interesting thought - not one of mine, but interesting - You don't decide to seek a new job, You decide to leave your current job. I gave this some thought and it has some merit. If one's job is great it takes an enormous incentive to get an individual to leave and take a new post with all the risks and uncertainties involved. However, if one's current position is not pressing all, or for that matter any, of an individuals buttons they are far more likely to seek new pastures. It is the current job that is making them go not the new one.

I have to admit that I do fall in to this category I enjoy my role but I have been on my current assignment for over 3 years and that is far too long. I am long overdue for a change and hence am moving on. It may well be a Frying Pan / Fire situation but at least all the problems will be ones I havent seen before.

What I am trying to get across is that I am on an assignment that I will not see the end of, I am in the process of handing over my job to my replacement and am only committed to my current assignment for a few weeks more. My work ethic ensures that I will perform my duties to the best of my abilities but this extended notice period and now the hand over means that I am rapidly becoming a spare part.

I have said before that I like to keep busy but I am going to have to take a back seat so that my replacement can take up the reins. I will find a few odds and ends to keep me occupied but I feel that this extended period is not good for me or the role I am filling.

My Associates become frustrated because they know I will not be there to finish the job but the person they need does not get identified for weeks. Also I am forced to perform my job more as a Consultant than at the more detailed level that I usually operate as that would be a virtual impossibility to pass to a colleague.

So the 90 day rule - who does it actually benefit? Option a) me, Option b) the Customer, Option c) My colleagues or Option d) My Manager......

...... answers on a postcard or the back of a sealed envelop to the usual address.

Nothing to see here!

Tuesday.

Dropped in to the nearest circle of Hell to start passing over my work to the Tortured Soul that will take over from me when I move to another type of torture in a few weeks time.

He has taken over and pushed my rock up the hill on a few previous occasions and I know that he will do a great job. We both tend to push rocks in much the same way so the hand-over should be pretty straightforward.

I had a massive boulder operation going on last year and had to pass it to the same soul as I needed to go and have an Eagle peck at my Heart. When I came back a few weeks later all was well and the rock/hill situation was as Lucifer wanted......

.... a safe pair of hands!

On the Home Front it was dog training this evening and this is a revelation after Puppy Training which was becoming a little "samey". The training exercises are far more advanced and both Tyson & Marauder are really doing well. It is great for TP too as he is in a class with adults and it is a level playing field. He is able to work with Marauder and achieve at the same level as every one else. No "leg ups", no allowances. He is doing really well and it is great for his confidence and maturity. I am really proud of him.

It is a short week this week as I have Friday off. We are planning to spend the day at the CLA Game Fair. I am hoping for good weather and may have to make an offering to the Gods* to ensure Sunny Spells as a minimum rather than the Heavy Rain Showers that are currently forecast. 

* Hmmm - all I have a chickens and I think I'd need something approaching Human Sacrifice to get that degree of change in the weather. Ah well - better take a coat and wellington boots.

All I have to do now....

..... is put it all back together.

30% and I have finally finished painting the kitchen. We started it weeks ago and should be proudly showing off our efforts by now but a few things came up. There were occasions when simply doing nothing seemed a much better idea than applying emulsion to the walls. Anyway, we applied the last coats t the walls today and this is when I found out that I am probably no more intelligent than a pigeon...

.... let me explain. We have a tall larder fridge and we moved it in to sit along side the island so that we could paint the walls and skirting boards of the aforementioned appliance's aperture. As I have already explained it then lived in this temporary location for a few weeks but it now back in its proper place. The thing is, every time I make 30% a cup of coffee I go to get the milk from where the fridge was rather than where the fridge is.

In other words I have managed to condition myself to go to a location where I expect to received milk in much the same way as a pigeon will peck at a coloured spot in order to receive a few grains of corn. I hasten to add that I have managed to break this conditioning in under 24 hours but it was quite an odd experience to find oneself walking towards a space expecting to grab a carton of semi-skimmed.

Other decorating events. For  brief spell Marauder - it is always Marauder - had a few patches of "Putting Green" on her. That's the feature wall, the rest of the room is Ivory Lace. I didn't want an "accent" Dog so then spent a good few minutes cleaning off the paint. I then discovered that using the dish cloth did not earn 30%'s full approval.

This reminded me of a Fly/Drive holiday we had in the States three years ago. No, not the moaning about using the dish cloth to clean the dog, the fact that the dog was briefly green in places.

As part of our Road Trip we visited Monument valley which is in the Navajo Nation. If you have never been there it's worth a trip but the Navajo Nation has its own ground rules which mean that it is unlike the rest of the USA.

For starters there is no alcohol allowed. Apparently this is an attempt to control the alcoholism that is prevalent in the population. I have a couple of thoughts on this...

... thought number 1; that law is great and will stop people who can't drive and don't have any friends that can drive from drinking. Everyone else will just get in their car and buy it just outside the border. Thought number 2; the Nation ought to concentrate on making the Nation a little more hospitable and encouraging to visitors as they seem to have two potential industries farming and tourism and they don't seem very good at either. It is no wonder that the locals tend to drink.

The end result is that we spend a night in a Trailer Park in a static van that smelt of Horse Piss.

The Valley is a fantastic natural spectacle and worth a visit - just don't try to spend a night in the vicinity until the Navajo Nation get their act together.

What about the dog and the paint - Yes. I'm getting to that. To give you some idea of what it is like in the Nation, they paint a broad, coloured stripe of gloss paint down their dog's back to show that it isn't a stray. Hence the dogs at the Horse Piss Trailer Park were a a shade of aquamarine that matched the caravans. They smelt pretty similar too. The reason for this........

........ apparently a local hobby is shooting strays so painting your dog reduces the chance of it ending up as target practice for the bored and drunk locals.

Only in America.

I've just got my life back

Its Friday and the weekend has started.

I have had an odd week. For the past few days I feel that I have been a complete arse hole and have repeated pointed out deficiencies in an attempt to get matters on to a sound footing. Let me explain.....

Dante's Nine Circles of Hell is a very sound analogy for my Employer. We have the normal stuff that we do day in, day out like having tortured souls push rocks to the tops of hills. The rocks then roll back down and are pushed back up ad infinitum. Occasionally one of these rocks rolls in to a pool of molten brimstone and we have to engage other Souls and possible Imps to sort this out but this is all pretty much Business as Usual.

But Lucifer has a plan for Universal Domination and that means tempting new Souls to come to Dante's Circles of Hell. We have a set of 7 Service Lines to do this. You must have heard of them; Gluttony, Greed. Envy, Pride, Lust etc. and we use these to bring in new souls to torture.

Now you must understand that there are other Forces out there that will try to protect these Souls and divert them from Lucifer's path or at least ensure that they give Lucifer a good talking to. These other Forces fall in to a number of categories including Competitors and Lawyers.

As a consequence of this we have a number of Business Processes that we need to follow to ensure that we are torturing souls in the right way and have all the necessary paperwork assigning their Souls over to Dante's - signed in blood, Obviously - before we get them up to necks in Brimstone or chained to rocks whilst a large Eagle pecks at their heart on a daily basis.

Yes - I'm getting to the point - These processes are there for a good reason and have been designed by people far more experienced than I am. they are bulky and they are arduous but they are there for a reason and ensure that once we have a Soul chained to a rock they better have a bloody good reason for asking for Sunday off to go and see their Mum.

I have had to be an arse hole because I have been repeatedly pointing out that these processes need to be engaged to absolutely no avail.  I might as well have tried to fly by flapping my arms - and as you know I don't have the right Employer - you have to work for one of the other Guys if you want to have flying perks.

Yes - I was getting nowhere and then I started to point out what a lot of stupid questions they were asking and copied the Imp's Skidmarks manager in on a couple of mails and suddenly things start to happen.

This tells me three things;

1. I was probably right to press for these things to be done
2. The Skid Mark was probably not right to have ignored me
3. Escalation can be an effective tool

The thing is, do I want to be an arse just to get things done?

Escape Committee

Day # 263 - The Escape Committee met in Hut C. Golfy, Stretch and myself were joined by a new chap called The Doctor. Stretch & Golfy say he's a Decent Sort but he seems a little too friendly with one of the Camp Commandants for my liking. He may just be keeping tabs but I'm going to be cautious until I know him better.

We discussed progress on "Tom, Dick & Harry" and it seems like Tom is progressing better than the other two escape routes at present. I am certain that it is on target to surface deep in the trees and I plan to make my escape on the evening of 5th August when it is a new moon.

I obviously need a Dummy to put in my bunk in case the Night Guards sweep the hut with their torches and I hope to have news on the Dummy in the next day or so. Golfy & Stretch are concerned that I will get caught but I'm prepared and there is no way they are going to catch me off guard with "Good Luck". I know that the correct response is a puzzled look and "Danke" in my best Bavarian accent.

I had hoped to keep my escape Top Secret but it seems that Stretch lost his nerve under questioning and may have let something slip to one of the sub-lieutenants . Everything seems fine but I need to keep my ears open for any unexpected changes in Guard rotas.

Golfy is having problems with his Dick ....

..... having hit a strata of shale. He either needs to take apart  more of the bunks to shore up the length he has managed or give up and look for another way out of the camp. Personally I think the Glider has much style about it but is not the most practical option. Disguising himself as a Trooper and joining the back of the squad as they exit the main gate is much more likely to get him to the Swiss Border.

As for Stretch he has had no luck with Harry and may be here until the Conflict is over. He says he can see but his failing eyesight is common knowledge and I plan to run fast and can't carry him with me. He is a Good Egg and I know that he can be trusted to keep on making escape attempts. He know that this is his duty  as an Englishman's and an Officer. He is so Brave.

He should look on the  bright side though - he will get to open all of the Red Cross Parcels with me and Golfy gone. I gave him a parcel today that should make his supper much nicer than the gruel we have been getting these past 8 months.

I have to go now as they Guard is coming round - "quick, tuck this under the stove"

Heart Rate

Following on from yesterday's post I carried out a few basic calculations.

The average heart rate for a Human Being is 72 beats per minute. After a few divisions this can be seen to equate to about 39.6 years.

Apparently our ability to manipulate our environment and provide medical care gives us an extra 1 million heart beats or 26.4 years. That is quite an impressive improvement but surprisingly still not that far off the Biblical "3 score years and 10".

Using this basic information it would be wise to keep people you dislike as stressed a possible, thereby getting them to hit the magic 2.5B as early as possible.

It is with great disappointment that I learn that even if I can push the heart rate to an average of 100 bpm the Imp's Skid-mark is still going to be around for another 19.025 years. CURSES!

Saner stuff - it was the first Dog Training Class since Tyson has finished her Season. We have also now been promoted out of the Puppy Class since T&M achieved their Bronze KC Award. They both did really well and are definitely not the worst dogs in the new class and it is surprising how their behavior changes when they are in a class of older dogs.

Whilst in an educational vein it was also TP's Parents Evening and all was well. Anyone who knows TP will be relieved to hear that the XBox Controls and i Pod Touch privileges have been reinstated.

A change in the weather.

My mood matches the weather today - overcast, grey clouds, a little sullen perhaps.

A few entries back I boldly stated, or should that be "stated boldly" ? - that I wouldn't be mentioning work as it was hard to make it interesting to a reader with no actual investment in the Organisation. You didn't beleve me did you?

Well the Imp's Skidmark has been on form today. I had three emails from him. Every one of them, and I am not exaggerating, had been answered, prior to their issue by me over the past few days. He was, of course, on the distribution lists of these mails. I tried talking to his Senior PM but "birds of a feather...."

In the end I decided to reply to each of his mails embedding a pdf of the earlier mail where I had answered the questions he was now asking. I had responded to all three by 9.30 this morning.

Funnily enough I have had quite a quiet day today.

Other stuff: It is Step Mum's birthday today she will be 412 in cat years. I don't think I ever properly grasped that one. "How old us your dog?" "He is 9, which is 63 in dog years". No its not. It is 9 years. Your dog is not on a planet that is rotating round the sun 7 times faster than the one I am on, and the last time I looked the definition of a year was in the region of 365 days or the period of time it takes the Earth to complete a full orbit of the Sun.

What is happening here is that they are trying to equate the age of a dog with the age of a human so you can work out when it is likely to go and scorch patches on the Elysian Fields.

This is where it gets interesting - vaguely - not really interesting. For most mammals their lifespan is approximately 1.5 Billion Heart beats. The reason that mammals have different lifespans when measured in years is all down to body size. The smaller the animal the faster the heart beats and hence the shorter its life when measured as a unit of time.

The only exception to this is Human Beings as medical advances have allowed us to live longer than our body size would suggest. So, going full circle - comparing a dog's life span to a humans is a bit odd.

Success at last.

I forgot to mention that it was the Village Horse Show on Saturday. I had absolutely no intention of going as I am not a great fan of the horse. That has a lot to do with a pushy, horsey Mother but I'm not going to go in to that now. I just need to state that I can ride, but don't.

I have a great respect for working horses but I just cannot see the point of hacking..... and how bloody miserable do they look as you crawl past at 4 miles  per hour. Why do something if it makes you that unhappy? I'm not sure if it is a regional thing but the women and girls (never, actually very rarely, men) who hack around here look as miserable as sin.

Anyway, another digression, I had no intention of going but I was walking Tyson & Marauder on Friday evening and we happened across a Gentleman with two aged Collies. He asked if we were planning to enter them in the Dog Show that was in the Schedule of the aforementioned Horsey Extravaganza - thus the seed was sown.

I mentioned it to 30% and she thought it was a marvelous idea and I could see that it was going to get me out of at least 2 hours of emulsioning so obviously I was all for it.

The weather was splendid and the afternoon could only have been better if there had been a beer tent. Marauder came third in the Puppy class and Tyson stormed through to win the Dog in best condition. How she managed to not get a place in the Puppy class but win another class hands down does question the Judges objective set of criteria but I'm not going to dwell.

We drove home - too damned hot to walk and bathed in T&M's reflected Glory. 30% was considering making an official complaint as the dog that won best in show was from Stourport which is over 20 miles away and therefore not local - "Leave it 30, they're not worth it"......

.... plus they are going to regret getting a St Bernard when they realise it is basically a drool machine. I hate slobbery dogs - Sell-by-date take note!

Where are they now?

Today, for some reason, I found myself with an urgent desire to track down the Mice from the Marvellous Mechanical Mouse Organ that used to appear on 1970s Children's TV Series Bagpuss.

Now I bet you are all thinking Bagpuss; Saggy, cloth cat, baggy and a bit loose at the seams - Yeah Right! That is all "front". He was an evil manipulator that made Jabba the Hutt look like a thoroughly decent fellow - that stuff with Han Solo and the carbonite was all a misunderstanding that was sorted out over a few drinks a long time ago ....... in a Galaxy far, far away.

Sorry, bit of a digression, back to Bagpuss - That shop was a front for all sorts of  criminal activity including drugs and prostitution, Why do you think that you never saw much of Emily in any of the episodes? She was too busy upstairs "earning" to pay for Bagpuss's opium habit.

If you look closely at the character you can see that they are all nefarious individuals; Madeleine - Brothel Madame, Gabriel - a Drunk Musician and Professor Yaffle - a Gay Intellectual that amuses Bagpuss or Don Bagpuss as he is better known.....

..... and now to the Mice, that evil cloth cat had them hooked on drugs and enslaved them to work for him in that sham shop; fixing thing and putting them in the window for their owners to find and collect. What sort of Business Model is that? How can you run an Organisation with approximately 10 employees, that we know off, with no apparent income. It just doesn't add up. That cat was up to something - something VERY BAD.

Well I can report that every dog has his day and that dog was Shep. With little to do when not on the Blue Peter set he used to Moonlight as a Sniffer Dog for "The Met" and Don Bagpuss was one of his first major Busts. The Don was put away for a long time. Personally I think that he should have gone to "the Chair" but they could never get anyone to testify to the allegations about the Clangers "sleeping with the fishes".

Madeleine did a 10 year stretch in Holloway which was reduced to 3 after she spilled the Beans about Magpie hostess Jennie Hanley.

Yes, the Mice, they did OK - after rehab they took to the High Seas and became Pirates. They fashioned a Long ship from a Nike Training Shoe using the lace holes for the oars and can be seen locally when the stream is high singing in their high pitched voices......

"we will rape and we will pillage,
we will burn your bloody village ...."

I love a happy ending.

Thumbs Up

I forgot to mention that the Customer Services Team at Dualit deserve a vote of gratitude as the Bean Hopper for the coffee grinder has turned up.

I can now remove the large bandage holding a soggy wodge of coffee grinds against my skin. I was hoping it would work in a similar way to an HRT Patch.

I have had positive experiences with this Company before. Six months ago our Toaster  failed. It was about 20 months old and outside the warranty period. I called Dualit to see whether it could be repaired and the Lady at the end of the line simply asked what colour it was and where I lived. She then promptly sent out another unit.

I was amazed and it is a classic example of how much higher we rate a company when we see how well it responds to a problem. Apparently we will rate such an organisation higher than one that gives consistently good service. I have a 40 year old Kenwood Blender that is fantastic. It never misses a beat and I really rate them but Dualit sits higher in my Consumer Consciousness because of their Customer Service.

Incidentally, 30% smashed the Liquidiser on the Kenwood - she breaks all of my Kitchen toys :-(

All Sorts

Well Yesterday was somewhat monopolised by a lesser Demon from Dante's Inferno. No, he is not even worth the title Demon, Imp's skid mark is probably more appropriate. I spent the day being told stuff that I had told him and his two predecessors, and their Managers, weeks if not months before.

They have finally got the message. I don't understand why it takes so long. I'm mean I am not allowed to punch them in the head and recite the problem with each syllable being timed to a punch. Apparently we have a code of conduct which prevent this educational approach. I am therefore left to produce PowerPoint Presentations, E-mails and documents to describe the issue.

Now I'm not in the same galaxy as professional writers but I can string a few paragraphs together and one of my readers was complimentary about a succinct analysis I recently made in the Journal so I do not understand why it takes months for a real problem to be recognised.

Actually I do. I have had the pleasure to work with some really good Project Managers in my time all very different but all very good. This is not one of those occasions.

So, Yesterday, a 13 hour working day including an hour spent on the M25 travelling 11 miles. Most of the hour was actually spent travelling the first 7 of these. How do you think I handled that? ....

... actually it was OK. The Prius is nice and high and allows me to peer in to peoples cars and I just munched a load of chocolate and crisps and watched the world crawl while I listened to Radio 4.

The only thing that jars is that, by the time you get home and eat, there is very little of the day left for me. I don't count 6 hours in the car as "me time".

Also no Red Kites.

Today, I have found my Mojo and have had a good day pinning things down and getting them passed to the people who need to know, reviewing materials and pointing out how it can be improved. Real work and I feel that I have actually made a difference as compared to yesterday where I am banging my head against an immovable object - My PMs Evolutionary quotient.

You might ask what an Evolutionary Quotient is. I have just invented it. It is a number that indicates how far up the evolutionary tree one is. All species should have an EQ value of 100 i.e. 100 represents that you are 100 percent human or 100% E. coli.  My PM is about 42. In other words Eddy could probably do a better job.

You are probably guessing that I'm not too enamuored with him - and you would be right

Back to today  - I got loads done and had an enjoyable lunch with Dad - he brought home made Tomato soup over and we had a lovely time chatting and keeping up with each others news. He is really excited about his forthcoming birthday present. He doesn't say but I know he is. It will only be three or four weeks more before his puppy arrives and you can see from the way he interacts with Tyson and Marauder how keen he is to have a dog back in his life.

We talked about when I was a child and the Dogs he had then and before; Peggy the ratter and Lassie, Lulu and Fly the three working Border Collie Bitches that my Grandfather had when I was young. Apparently Fly was the best of these and cost £40 back in the early 1960s. That was a lot of money for a dog in those days but she was trained by a local Stock-man and apparently was unbelievable with Cattle and Sheep.

We also pinned down a saying that I recalled from my childhood but wasn't too clear on the details. I have a memory of my Grandfather saying that if you were looking to buy a piece of land you should first tie a donkey to the biggest thistle in the field.

What? I can almost hear you. Basically thistles are deep rooted and like good soil. If the soil is poor or there is bed rock just beneath the surface the thistles will not be good specimens and the Donkey will be left without a tether.

So that is just about it. TP had a successful Sports Day yesterday with two firsts in the 100m and Hurdles and a third in the 800m. I am obviously very proud as I am with the recent School Report which was so good that he actually got the XBox controls returned and I think that the IPod Touch privileges will be reinstated shortly too.

Torn... ?

Today the Other Bike was finally discharged from the Ward and I went and picked her up. Thanks Dad - you are obviously never too old to give your Kids a lift.

She is still lovely and managed to turn a head at the Workshop despite being 15 years old. Now the Vespa is a wild and torrid beast of a Bike and is approached with a feeling of apprehension every time she is ridden*. The Other Bike is completely different. She delights every time and you know that she will give you a fantastic ride but there are no "butterflies". That is not to say that she is boring, far from it but she instills confidence not awe. 

So I feel very differently about her than I do towards the Vespa but in no way is she a wall flower or second rate. She is Japanese in origin and will start every time, she will run forever if serviced properly, if it rains she will shrug it off and will not fall into a pile of rust overnight after the aforementioned downpour. She is the practical one. Comfortable, she will take you to the top of the Country and you wont need a Chiropractor at the end of the trip. She is the practical one. The Vespa is the High Maintenance option. Both are great, just different.

There is no Readers Wife/Supermodel differentiation going on here. If you are half way up Mount Kilimanjaro and there is a camp that needs setting up before the Heavens open - do you want your chosen Life Partner or Naomi Campbell helping out?

The Service and MOT Bill was incredibly low so a big thumbs up to Chris at Redditch Motorcycles. He decided, after a road test to leave the original rubber on as the tires are performing fine. That saved me the best part of £250. Definitely the way to encourage people to come back and explains why he is so busy.

This evening I took TP for his first ever pillion ride. We took it nice and steady and he absolutely loved it. I think it helped that two of his School Mates were passing as he climbed aboard. I asked him if his Cool Rating had risen or plummeted as a result of being spotted. "Definitely risen" was his response.

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* The feeling afterwards generally tends to be along the lines of "What a Rush" or " Die you Dawdling Gits"

A Fair Day

Today has been spent in a Conference hosted by Dante's most senior Demon in this fair isle.

On the whole it was an enjoyable day but it was very high on glossy presentation and incredibly low on tangible deliverables. I suppose this makes it easy for the senior demons to declare it a success.

I wonder where this cynicism has come from? It may be because these initiatives are a pretty regular occurrence and change tends to be fairly minimal as a result. I feel that I should say "thus far" in case this time they really mean that it, but in an Organisation the size of Dante's fundamental change is all but impossible and dilution of ideas and objectives is a fact of life.

On a more positive note I met a few new people and some of the Presentations were of relevance to the new role that I will be taking on in a couple of months time. So I left at the end of the day in a positive frame of mind.

I got home and picked up a message from the Other Bike's GP who had called to advise that all is well, MOT has been sorted and new rubber has been applied front and rear. A quick call to Dad was made and a lift has been arranged so I can go and collect her tomorrow.

TP will be delighted but in the incredibly nonchalant way that is necessary for a teenager in these modern times. "Cool" is about the most I can expect from him but I did get a "Thanks" when his leathers arrived today. He is very off hand about it but I know that he is really keen to get out on the Bike and he spent a good few minutes trying on his new attire and ensuring that both helmet and gloves worked as an ensemble.

So I will bid you Good Evening at the end of a Day where nothing much really happened but fortunately the little that did occur was all relatively good.

I'm not dead.

30% and I were discussing something this evening and we had one of those "jinx" moments where we both think and say the same thing. I can't recall what it was and it really doesn't matter. We have them a lot as we are very similar in a lot of ways.

But I digress, I said " I am like an open book to you" and she replied "possibly a pamphlet" and then revised this down to "actually probably more like an open comic". We laughed and that was a good start to the evening.

Both of our days have been frustrating and it is so nice to spend the evening taking supper in the garden and then just relaxing away from the posturing and game playing of the work environment.

Both of our Employers have recently undergone a culling process and this has had effects that may not have been quantified or expected. Many of the survivors seem to be suffering a form of battle fatigue having been on notice of possible redundancy for 3 months and having been notified that they are safe are now tired as a result of the stress and have a questioning outlook having been forced to consider their job role and what to do if they are forced to consider pastures new.

Basically they have undergone a period of self examination combined with a review of their working life and what it actually means to them. It comes as no surprise to me to talk to people that are less committed than they might have been previously.

That is why it is so good to have 30% come home and to be able to laugh and switch off.

So, what have I been doing since my last entry? Well I suppose I need to state that this is my Journal and if things are mundane or bogged down with work there is not much point in jotting it down. Do I want to look back at this in 6 months time and see oblique references to a tit of a Project Manager who is now long gone?

No, not really and I am sure that they will mean even less to you, if you are out there, so if the day is dull I will try to find something that is worthwhile but if not - no entry. The post about the Red Kites a couple of days back is a good example. The working day was long and left little time for anything else. The Kites were a high point that perhaps could mean something to a casual reader and, if I look back, the memory of them soaring above the Motorway is a better thing to hold on to than a debate about the technical intricacies of a long dead project.

So, what have I been up to? Well the weekend saw me take another crack at the lawn that has been mercilessly attacked by Tyson & Marauder. I hope that, as they are nearly ready to go on to adult dog food, the lower protein level will result in less scorch marks on the lawn.

So, I'm an open comic. I'd hope it was like Wilf in The Bash Street Kids but it is more likely to be something out of Bunty.

I forgot to mention.....

This talk of wild life has reminded me that the Bear may have returned to the locality.

I went to stroke Eddy a couple of days ago and he pulled his head away. This is very unusual as Eddy is one of those cats that loves to have his ears scratched and his cheeks rubbed. On closer inspection I could see that he had two nasty gashes on his head; one at the base of his left ear and the other above the right eye.

His claws are a little ragged too.

He has either been involved in a major scrap or has forgotten that cars are harder than cats. I really hope its just a bad fight as he really has used up all of his nine lives. With just three legs he cannot afford to damage any of his remaining limbs.

On the plus side his wounds are all superficial and are healing well - but then again cat bites tend to get infected, car wounds are less likely to.

Yesterday, and the day before.

Yesterday saw my working day start at 7.30 in the morning. Not a leisurely perusal of emails but assembling a status report in preparation for a 9 o'clock call.

"Why didn't you do it earlier?" I hear the scathing questioners. I tried, oh yes, I tried. I asked for the updates 36 hours in advance, and reminded for them too, and my dear colleagues decided to drop them in at the last possible minute. Don't worry - I know who you are and am likely to be equally cooperative should the tables turn.

A call at 8 and another at 9 and then a shower and shave and a Journey South. I wont go in to boring detail but it was a long day.

I took the Prius which is never the first choice for a Motorway Journey* but the drivers seat is very high, not at truck level but at least at White Van heights, and so commands quite splendid views from the M40. The high point was to see the Red Kites circling over the surrounding fields searching for prey. Their distinctive curved Swallow tail makes them easy to identify and they are a spectacular site and very common nowadays. Here in bad man's locality Buzzards are the re-surging bird of prey but it is reported that the Kites are making a comeback here too although I am yet to spot one locally.

I mentioned that a sausage making session was planned for Wednesday evening. This went well and we ended up with about 6.5 lbs of Black Pudding sausages and about 4 Lbs of Cajun sausages. Part of the process is to test fry a sample of the mix before stuffing to make sure that the seasoning is right. Wow! The Cajun recipe calls for Cayenne Pepper, Chili Powder, Garlic, Minced Onion, Salt, Black Pepper, Allspice and fresh Thyme as well as the contribution made by the Pig. They certainly hit the spot and it will be interesting to see what they are like once the flavours have had the chance to mingle and mature.

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* especially when Dante's mileage rate is taken in to consideration